HKU SPACE Community

College 香港大學專業進修附屬學院
• The greatest joy in life is to
know oneself from the inside
out.
(Adams,
1987)

2
• Who are you?
• Do you know yourself?
• Use 5 sentences to describe
yourself. Start with the subject
“ 我 / I……”

3
• Who you are: Self-concept
The totality of your thoughts and feelings
with reference to yourself as an object.
(Rosenberg, 1979)

•A person’s own subjective view or image of himself or

herself as a person

4
• Is “I” or “self” a static concept, or
is it a dynamic concept?
• Can you think of any of your self-
concept(s)
⮚ static?
⮚ changed?
5
• The Self is an ongoing process that evolves
throughout our lives
• A multidimensional process of internalizing
and acting from social perspectives

• Arises in communication with others

⮚ Perspective of particular others
⮚ Perspective of the generalized other

6
A. Particular others are specific people who are
significant to us
⮚ Direct definition
⮚ Reflected appraisal
🞐 Self-fulfilling prophecies
⮚ Identity scripts
⮚ Attachment styles

7
1. Direct Definition
Communications that tells us explicitly
who we are by directly labeling us and our
behaviours (Wood, 2013)
E.g. You are smart. You are stupid

8
2. Reflected Appraisal
⮚ How we think others appraise us
⮚ Self-fulfilling prophecy
When we internalize others’ expectations or
judgments about us and then behave in ways
that are consistent with those expectations and
judgments (Watzlawick, 2005)
E.g. You believe you are shy and do not have a good
time at party. If you finally go to a party, how will you act
at the party?
9
3. Identity Scripts
⮚ Rules that define our roles and guide
our living (Harris, 1969)
E.g. “A good education is the key to success.”
「工字不出頭」 (Blue collars will never get rich.)

10
4. Attachment Styles (Bowlby, 1969)

⮚ Patterns of caregiving that teach us who we and

others are and how to approach relationships
🞐 Secure
🞐 Fearful
🞐 Dismissive
🞐 Anxious/ambivalent

11
◆ Secure
◆consistently attentive and loving
=> I am lovable and ppl can be trusted
◆ Fearful
◆Rejecting, negative communications
=>infer self as unlovable and others are rejecting
◆ Dismissive
◆ unavailable parents, needs are not responded timely
=> Not accepting self as unworthy but low regard for others and
relationship. Learn to be a “little adult”.
◆ Anxious/ambivalent
◆Caregivers are sometimes caring, sometimes rejecting
=>inconsistent of themselves;
=> may invite affection, yet can deny wanting closeness 12
B. The Generalized Other
⮚ The views generally held by others in
society
🞐 Culture
🞐 Race
🞐 Gender
🞐 Sexual orientation
🞐 Socioeconomic class
13
• Guidelines for Improving Self-Concept
1. Make a firm commitment to personal growth
2. Gain and use knowledge to support personal
growth
🞐 Understand how your self-concept is formed
🞐 Self-disclosure
◆ Making the self known
◆ Reveal yourself so that others can know and understand
you (Hanna, Suggett, & Radtke, 2010)
14
 Benefits of Self- Risks of Self-disclosure
disclosure
Gain more self-understanding ▪ Being laughed at what you
say

▪ Get affirmation and ▪ Being dislike or rejected

validation
▪ Learn communication skills ▪ Information disclosed may
(e.g., providing feedback, be used against us
creating open and accepting
environment)

▪ Inevitable in achieving ▪ Fear of intimacy

intimacy

(Corey, Corey, Wood, Weiten, Dunn, & Hammer,

2016; Hanna, Suggett, & Radtke, 2010) 15
• How to minimize risks?
⮚ Proceed slowly in relationship
⮚ Revealing information personal but not intimate
⮚ Observe how others respond to your
communication and what they do with it
⮚ Observe whether others also disclose personal
information to you

16
• Guidelines for Improving Self-Concept
3. Set goals that are realistic and fair
4. Seek contexts that support personal change
🞐 Avoid self-sabotage
• involves behaviors or thoughts that keep you away
from what you desire
• your subconscious trying to protect you, prevent pain
and deal with deep-seated fear
• but creates problems in daily life and interferes with
long-standing goals 17
• After acknowledging how the self is
developed, it is also important to know that
“self” can be improved and developed.

• If you work hard and believe in your

capability to improve, you would always be
better than self of yesterday ~

18
Intra & Interpersonal
Competencies

Understanding
Your Personality
 Content
1. Stages of personality development
2. Factors affecting personality development:
⮚ Childhood
⮚ Adolescence
⮚ Transition to Adulthood
3. Gender influence on personality

20
 If someone asks you what your
personality is, how would you
respond/ say?

21
 Personality
An individual’s characteristics, is
relatively stable ways of thinking,
feeling and behaving across
different situations and over time.
(John & Gosling, 2000)

22
 What is your personality?
• Do you know what is your personality? In what
ways you can assess your personality?

Let’s try the modified Myers-Briggs Type Indicator

(MBTI) and see if the test results accurately
describe your personality.

23
 MBTI
(Myers and Myers, 1995)

• Extraversion—Introversion
⮚ Relates to an inward or outward
orientation and to life energy sources
◆ Extraversion-type: life energy is
directed to outer world
◆ Introversion-type: life energy is
directed to inner world
24
 MBTI
(Myers and Myers, 1995)

• Sensing—Intuition
⮚ Relates to preferred ways of taking in
information
◆Sensation-type: prefer to gather facts by
their senses; tend to be realistic, practical
and work well with facts
◆Intuitive-type: tend to value imagination
and inspiration, and good at new ideas,
25
prefer the big picture & like solving new
 MBTI
(Myers and Myers, 1995)

• Thinking—Feeling
⮚ Indicates whether one prefers to use
thoughts or personal values in
decision making and judgments.
◆ Thinking-type: use reasons and logics to
deal with problems impersonally
◆ Feeling-type: decision making is based
on personal values. Consequences of a
decision on important others and self
26
 MBTI
(Myers and Myers, 1995)

• Judgment—Perception
⮚ Involves the processes of dealing
with the outer world and type of
environment that is preferred
◆ Judgment-type: more rigid, follow the
rules and orders, well organized; seek to
regulate and control life: organization
and order
27
◆ Perception-typemore flexible and less
 Stages of Personality Development
Erikson’s (1963) 8 psychosocial stages
Life Stage Core struggle Theme
1. Infancy Trust vs. Mistrust HOPE
(age 0-2) Maternal care

2. Early Childhood Self-reliance vs. Self-doubt WILL

(age 2-3) Mastery of self-control tasks

3. Preschool Initiative vs. guilt PURPOSE

(age 3-6) Making own decision

4. Middle Childhood Industry vs Inferiority COMPETENCE

(age 6-12) Learning at school and attaining
goals
28
 Stages of Personality Development
Erikson’s (1963) 8 psychosocial stages
Life Stage Core struggle Theme
5. Adolescence Identity vs Role confusion FIDELITY
(age 13-20) Development of personal identity

6. Early Adulthood Intimacy vs Isolation LOVE

(age 21-34) Forming close relationship and intimacy

7. Middle Adulthood Generativity vs Stagnation CARE

(age 35-69) Reevaluation of meaning of life

8. Late Adulthood Integrity vs Despair WISDOM

(age 70 onward) Looking back on your life and reviewing
29 choices
 Activity – life in a timeline
• Review your life before going to
secondary school.
⮚What are some of the happy events
happened that you most remembered?
⮚Any major achievement that you’re
proud of yourself?
⮚Write them down on the timeline
30
 Factors that affect personality
development during childhood:
Parenting Styles
Authoritative parents Authoritarian parents
• Hold firm limits and sets high goals for • Highly demanding and controlling
their children • May use threat of physical punishment
• Allow their children to explore

Permissive parents Neglectful parents

• Few demands • Not very involved in their children’s lives
• Tend to indulge their children • Only provide for basic physical needs

31
Baumrind (1967, 1971,
 Factors that affect personality development
during childhood: Parenting Styles
Children of Authoritative parents Children of Authoritarian parents
• High self-reliance & self-control • Fearful
• Able to cope with stress • Apprehensive
• Purposeful behavior • Passive
• Achievement-orientation • Vulnerable to stress
• Cooperative attitude • Moody
• Curious about life • A lack of purpose

Children of Permissive parents Children of Neglectful parents

• Rebellious • The least competent of the 4 groups
• Low self-reliance & self-control • Antisocial
• Impulsive • Lack self-regulation
• Aimless
• Low achievement
32
Baumrind (1967,
 Activity – life in a timeline
• Review your life during secondary
school.
⮚What are some of the happy events
happened that you most
remembered?
⮚Any major achievement that you’re
proud of yourself?
33
⮚ Write them down on the timeline
 Adolescence
• A turbulent and fast-moving period of life; a time for
making critical choices and forming a philosophy of life.
• Self-sufficiency – making decisions, assuming personal
responsibility for one’s choices (Newman & Newman, 2012)
• Psychological moratorium – adolescents can experiment
with different roles and values so they could sample life
before making major commitments (Erikson, 1963)
• Individuation – separating from family and build identity
based on one’s own experiences

34
 Transition to Adulthood
• There may be past premises appropriate in the
past but may no longer be valid.

• Individuals can change what is not working while

retaining those that serve them well.

35
 Time for reflection:
• What kind of a person would you
want to become?
• Which personality traits would you
want to keep and which would you
want to change?

36
 Gender Roles
• Gender stereotypes
⮚ widely accepted beliefs about females’
and males’ abilities, personality traits,
and behavior patterns
• Gender-role strain (Pleck, 1995)
⮚ Societal norms for gender ideals are
often contradictory, inconsistent, and
37
unattainable
 PAQ

Please fill in the Persoanlity

Attributes Questionnaire (PAQ)
(Spence & Helmreich, 1978)

38
 PAQ Scoring method
🞂 Now let’s score the PAQ
🞂 Put an X to items: 1, 4, 5, 11, 13, 14, 18, 23
🞂 Scoring: A=0, B=1, C=2, D=3, and E=4
🞂 Item 16 is reverse-scored as follows:
A=4, B=3, C=2, D=1, E=0.
🞂 Add up items 3, 7, 8, 9, 12, 15, 21, 22 = femininity
subscale
🞂 Add up 2, 6, 10, 16, 17, 19, 20, 24 = masculinity
subscale
39
 What does PAQ measure?
• Devised by Janet Spence and Robert Helmreich (1978), PAQ
assesses masculinity and femininity in terms of respondents’ self-
perceived possession of various personality traits that are
stereotypically believed to differentiate the sexes.
• The norms are based on a sample of 715 college students studied by
Spence and Helmreich (1978). The cutoffs for “high” scores on the
masculinity and femininity subscales are the medians for each scale.
• Obviously, these are very arbitrary cutoffs, and results may be
misleading for people who score very close to the median on either
scale. Hence, if either of your scores is within a couple of points of
the median, you should view your gender-role classification as very
tentative.

40
 What does PAQ measure?
• High in both masculinity and femininity:
⮚ Androgyny (noun, androgynous is adjective)
• High in femininity & low in masculinity:
⮚ Feminine sex-typed
• High in masculinity and low in femininity:
⮚ Masculine sex-typed
• Low in both masculinity and femininity:
⮚ Undifferentiated

41
42
My Femininity Score
High (above Low (at or
High (above median) below median)
median) 22-32 0-21
32-24
My Masculinity
Score
Low (at or

median) 23-0
below
 Alternatives to Rigid Gender Role
Expectations
1. Androgyny
⮚ Blending both typical male and female personality
traits and behaviors in the same person
2. Gender-role transcendence
⮚ Separating personality traits from biological sex
⮚ Going beyond rigid categories of masculine and
feminine
⮚ Allows for flexible behaviors in various situations

43
Intra & Interpersonal Competencies
 In this lesson, you will
• reflect on your value system
• examine from where you got your values
• evaluate whether your choice of lifestyle is
conducive to wellness
• What are values?
⮚ Values are core beliefs that
influence how we act.

⮚ Our values support the

choices we make in life.

(Corey et al., 2016)

• Viktor Frankl (1963): what distinguishes us as
humans is our search for purpose… anything
can be taken from a man but one thing: to
choose one’s attitude, to choose one’s own way
• Nietzsche (cited in Frankl, 1963): “He who has a
why to live for can bear with almost any how”
(p.164).
• Values programming analysis (Morris E. Massey,
cited in Hanna, Suggett, & Radtke, 2014)

Age Method Influences

1-6 Imprinting Family, especially parents
and
significant caregivers
7-12 Modeling Heroes and stars, usually those
in the media
13-19 Socialization Peers
⚫ Societal influences
⚫ Life events
• Meaning in life is found through intense
relationships with others rather than through an
exclusive and narrow pursuit of self-realization
(Bellah et al., 1985).
• Although the world itself may appear meaningless,
our challenge as human beings is to create meaning
(Corey et al., 2016).
• A philosophy of life is made up of the
fundamental beliefs, attitudes, and values that
govern a person’s behavior.
• You may have wondered about:
⮚ life and death
⮚ love and hate
⮚ joy and fear
⮚ nature of the universe
• Spiritual / religious beliefs can offer hope in the
face of adversity and suffering and can offer a
perspective when we are overwhelmed by life’s
problems. (Dalai Lama & Cutler, 1998)
• The following questions may help you reflect on
your spirituality:
o Does my spirituality assist me in having a better
understanding of the meaning of life and death?
o Does my spirituality provide me with a sense of
peace and serenity?
o Does my spirituality help me integrate my
experiences and make sense of the world?
o Are my spiritual beliefs and practices helping me to
become the person I would like to be?
 Are you in charge of your health?
Check whether the following statements apply to you
(Corey et al., 2016)

⮚ I don’t have time to exercise several times a week.

⮚ No matter how I try to lose / gain weight, nothing seems to
work.
⮚ I hinder myself, and others hinder me, in my attempts to
lose / gain weight.
⮚ When I have a vacation, I’ll relax.
⮚ I need a drink or a smoke to relax.
⮚ I don’t have time to eat three balanced meals a day.
⮚ I simply cannot function without several cups of coffee.
⮚ If I don’t stop smoking, I might get lung cancer or die a
little sooner, but we all have to go sometime.
• Wellness is more than the absence of illness. It
entails a lifestyle choice to our physical and
mental well-being (Corey et al., 2016).
• Total wellness includes (Bloomfield & Kory, 1978):
⮚ Trim and physically fit
⮚ Full of energy, vigor, rarely tired
⮚ Active and creative
⮚ Self-assured, confident, optimistic etc.

Which of the above describe(s) you?

Factors Positive ☺ Negative ☹

• Safe Physical Environment • Unstable Physical Environment

• Regular Exercise • Lack of exercise
Physical • Healthy diet • Unhealthy Diet
• Rest & sleep • Restless & lack of sleep

• Feeling of trust • Lack of trust

• Feeling of power & • Low perceived power
control over life • Loss meaning of purpose
• Positive Self-esteem • High Self-blame or constantly
Mental blaming others
• Low Self-esteem

• Participate in social • Isolation

activities • Poor social network
• Strong social networks • Unsupportive family structure
Social • Supportive family
structure
 Behaviors that may harm your
well-being
Is / Are any of the following harming your
well-being?
•Addiction to the internet / your mobile phone
•Drinking alcohol
•Smoking cigarettes
•Bad relationship
•Procrastination
•???
 General warning
Signs that your Internet use may have become a problem (Saisan
et al., 2010)

• Losing track of time online.

• Having trouble completing tasks at
home or school.
• Isolation from family & friends.
• Feeling guilty or defensive about your
Internet use.
• Feeling a sense of euphoria while
involved in internet activities.
 Tips for dealing with Internet
addiction (UCSF Human Resources, n.d., para 4)
• Ask yourself, “What am I missing out on when I spend so much
time on the Internet?”
• Write down these activities and decrease your Internet time to pursue
some of them.
• Set reasonable Internet use goals and stick to them.
• Take frequent breaks, at least 5 minutes each hour, and engage in some
other activities.
• Alter your routine to break your usage patterns.
• If you spend evenings on the Internet, start limiting your use to
mornings.
• Seek out friends and acquaintances who “couldn’t care less”
about the Internet.
• Take time to appreciate other aspects of life.
•
Tips for dealing with Internet
Stay connected to the offline world.
addiction
• Visit news stands, book and(UCSF
musicHuman
stores, and participate
Resources, in4)
n.d., para
entertainment such as museums, music, and live theater.
• Novels and poetry readings are hard to experience online.
• Treat the Internet as a tool.
• Stay focused on the fact that the Internet is a means to an end.
• Plan your strategy—whether you’re looking for information or
entertainment—with the end in mind and you’ll save valuable time.
Take control of your health and well-
being
• The CHANGE Model (Olson, DeFrain, & Olson,
1999)
Commit yourself to a specific goal
Habits – break old and start new
Action – take one step at a time
Never give up – lapses may occur
Goal oriented – focus on the positive
Evaluate and reward yourself
Intra & Inter-personal Competencies
 What is Emotion?
⚫A complex state of feeling
⚫Results in physical and psychological changes
⚫Influence thoughts and behaviours

62
 External Event
Physiological Response
Label for Response Emotion

The Cognitive Labeling View of Emotions (Corey et al., 2016)

• Emotions: Our experience and

6
interpretation of internal sensations as
3
 • Expression occurs verbally and nonverbally:
• With verbal expressions, there may be the problem
of accurately stating what we are feeling.
• More commonly we reveal feelings through body
language – such as facial expressions, changes in
voice, and posture etc.

6 (Hanna, Suggett, & Radtke, 2010)

4
 Communication Barriers
• Health problems:
• Suppression of emotions leads to
higher risk of asthma, high blood
pressure, colds, breast cancer (for
females) etc. (Goleman, 1997).
• Greater risk of early death (Pennebaker, 1997).
• Psychological problems:
• Tendency to feel hopelessness,
helplessness, and depression (Eysenck,
6
5
1988).
 • The ability to recognize which feelings
are appropriate in which situations,
and the skill to communicate those
feelings effectively.
• Linked to well-being.
• People who have high emotional
intelligence quotients (EQs):
• are more likely than people with lower
6 (Goleman, 1998; Goleman, Boyatzis, & McKee, 2002; Landa & Lopez-Safra, 2010)
6
EQs to create satisfying relationships.
 Consists of the following qualities:
•Aware of one’s own feelings.
•Know how to deal with emotions.
•Can handle setbacks and
disappointments.
•Able to channel feelings to achieving
goals.
6
7 •Can easily understand others’ (Corey et al., 2016)
 Negative Feelings
• Negative feelings of anger, anxiety, and
depression if strong and prolonged, can make
us more vulnerable to disease. (Goleman, 1997).

6
8
 Means to Change How You Feel
1. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) or
A-B-C theory (Ellis, 1984)
• A= activating event
• B= beliefs
• C= consequence
• It is the beliefs that cause emotion, not the
activating event.

6
9
 Examples
• Scenario 1:
• Socially rejected
• I mustn’t be lovely, no one will love me…
• feeling depressed

• Scenario 2:
• Socially rejected
🡪 Just because he/she rejected me, does not mean that
I am not lovable and no one will love me…….
🡪 feeling OK
7
0
 ⚫Recall an incident which led you to
experience very negative / destructive
emotion.
⚫Can you identify the A, B, and C of the
incident?
⚫Try to challenge the belief(s) that you
endorsed so that you can experience more
positive emotion and display more adaptive
behavior(s).
7
1
 2. Control Theory (Glasser, 1984)
• If you want to feel different, first change your
behaviors: do something that is pleasurable, e.g.
chat with your friends, watch a movie etc.

3. You simply need to keep a smiling face

• Facial expressions can change feelings (Averill, 1997)
• Laughter Yoga (Kataria, n.d.)

7
2
 But You May Need Professional Help
when:
• Confused thinking
• Prolonged depression (sadness or
irritability)
• Feelings of extreme highs and lows
• Excessive fears, worries, and anxieties
• Social withdrawal or isolation
• Dramatic changes in eating or sleeping
habits
•
7
3
 • Subjective well-being which includes positive
thoughts and feelings about one’s life.
• Can range from contentment to ecstasy .

7
5
 Some Questions For You:
• Do you like yourself?
• Do you feel a sense of personal control?
• Are you often optimistic?
• Are you an extrovert?
• Do you have close relationships?
• Do you have a spiritual foundation?
• Do you think you have a balanced lifestyle?
• Are you creative?
7
6
 Eight Characteristics of Happy
People
(Myers, 1993)
Happy people…
1.Like themselves
2.Feel a sense of personal control
3.Are optimistic
4.Are extroverted
5.Have close relationships
6.Have a spiritual foundation
7.Tend to have balanced lives
7 8.Are creative
7
 • Nothing is more destructive
to the human spirit & to
personal happiness than
never quite knowing who
you really are, what you
really want, and what you
were put here on earth to
accomplish.

7
9 (Hanna et al., 2010)
 ● Refers to our beliefs regarding how much control
we have over given situations and reinforcement.
● People who have internal locus of control tend to
see themselves as at the helm of their ship, free to
direct their lives.
● External locus of control occurs when a person
believes that he or she does not have any control
over given situations and rewards, but views what
will happen as a matter of fate, or as in the hands of
powerful others.

8 (Hanna et al., 2010)

0
8
1
 • Learn to have realistic self-appraisal and accept
our own true potential.
• Avoid falling into the perfectionist trap.
• Take responsibility:
• Don’t make excuses and keep saying you “can’t”.
• Time management
• Be active and take initiative in bringing in
pleasure instead of complaining that something
hasn’t happened yet.
• Avoid chronic procrastination
8 (Hanna et al., 2010)
2
 • When things go wrong, there is always a positive
side that you can discover or other ways to get
through the situation.
(Hanna et al., 2010)

8
3
 • Focus on the process instead of only on the results.
Every piece of experience is what you have already
gained.
(Hanna et al., 2010)

8
4
 What is listening?
Hearing = Listening?
• Listening is an active, complex process that
consists of:
• Mindfulness
• Physically receiving messages
• Selecting and organizing messages
• Interpreting Communication
• Responding
• Remembering

85
 Mindfulness
⮚ The first step of listening – making a decision to
•c
be mindful
⮚ Mindfulness Is
◆ being fully present in the moment
◆ tune in fully to another person and try to
understand what the person is communicating
◆ Listening without imposing our own ideas,
judgments or feelings
⮚ Mindfulness is a choice

86
 Physically receiving messages
• Hearing
• A physiological activity
• Sound waves hit our eardrums,
hence we beware of noises
• A prerequisite of listening
• Interfered by environmental factors e.g. noise
or fatigue
• Some gender differences on content of
87
listening
 Selecting and Organizing Material
• Selection can be based on
• Our interest
• Expectations
• Culture etc.
• Intense, loud, unusual stimuli catch our attention
more
• Organize stimuli after selection, understand not only
content but speakers’ emotions
• We construct others and their communication
• KEEP PERCEPTIONS TENTATIVE AND OPEN TO
REVISION
88
 Interpreting Communication
• To be person-centered
• Engage in dual perspective with the speaker
• Don’t impose our meanings on others,
or trying to correct or argue with them.
• Understand other’s perspective on
her/his terms
• Make an earnest effort to understand,
89 even though you may not agree with her
 Responding
• Communicating attention and interest
• Signs of effective responding include:
• Attentive posture
• Nodding
• Making eye contact
• Giving verbal responses such as
“mm-hmm” and “go on”
• Questions and comments inviting
90

others’ elaborations
 Remembering

• < 50% of a message remembered immediately after

we hear it
• Only 35% of a message recalled 8 hours after
hearing it
(Adler & Proctor, 2015)

91
 Your score is interpreted as follows:
• 25 or below:
– You may need listening training. Your deficiency may be
causing you some learning difficulties as well as interpersonal
problems.
• 26 to 35
– You are an average listener. With more attention to some of
the listening behaviors describe in the questionnaire, you
should be able to become a good or excellent listener.
• 36 to 45:
– You are a good listener. With a little effort, you should be able
to become an excellent listener. You are well above the
average person.
• 46 to 50:
– You are an excellent listener. Keep it up. You certainly are
benefiting from this important skill, especially92in the realm of
interpersonal relationships.
OBSTACLES TO MINDFUL LISTENING
• EXTERNAL OBSTACLES
1. Speed
✔ Ask the speaker to repeat or slow down

2. Noise
✔ Move away from a noisy area
✔ Turn off mobile phone

93
OBSTACLES TO MINDFUL LISTENING

3. Message overload
✔ To decide when to listen carefully or superficially
4. Message complexity
✔ Summon up extra energy
✔ Taking notes, asking questions for clarification
etc.

94
OBSTACLES TO MINDFUL LISTENING
• INTERNAL OBSTACLES
1. Preoccupation
◆ Absorbed in our own thoughts and concerns
2. Prejudgment
◆ Prejudge others or their communication, thinking
we already know what is going to be said
3. Reacting to emotionally loaded
language
◆ Words that evoke strong responses, either positive
95 or negative
OBSTACLES TO MINDFUL
LISTENING
4. Lack of effort
• Deferring the communication can be appropriate
5. Failure to adapt listening styles
• Listening for information, to support others, for
pleasure.
• Differences in listening rules based on membership in
gender, race etc..

96
 Forms of Non-listening
1. Pseudolistening
• Pretend to listen
• Tangential or irrelevant responses
delivered
2. Monopolizing
• Focusing communication on
ourselves instead of listening to
others
97
a) Conversational rerouting => topic back
Forms of Non-listening
3. Selective listening
• Screen out parts of a message that don’t interest us, or
make us uneasy
4. Defensive Listening
• Perceiving personal attacks, criticisms, or hostility in
communication that is not critical or mean-spirited
5. Ambushing
• Listening carefully for attacking a speaker
6. Literal Listening
• Listening only for content and ignore the relationship level
of meaning
98
 Reflection:

• Which form(s) of non-listening you

usually perform?
• Under which circumstances you would
perform this form of non-listening?
99
Give an example.
Adapting listening to communication
goals
1. Listening for pleasure
• Mindful
• Control distractions
2. Listening for information
• Don’t wander when information gets
complicated
• Control both internal and external
obstacles
• Ask questions for clarification
100
Adapting listening to communication
goals
3. Listening to support others –
Active listening
• concentrate on the hidden meanings
behind the content
• understand the emotions and needs
of the speaker
• avoid giving solutions at the
101 beginning
Active Listening Skills
• While your target is talking, look at him/her intently;
focus your attention to the speaker
• Be patient about your turn to speak.
• Minimal encouragers:
• Verbal: “mmh” “uh-huh” “Really?” “I see”
• Nonverbal: head nod, widened eyes, maintain a steady
eye contact
⮚ Ask open-ended questions to
encourage the speaker to talk
● 5W1H
• Clarifying
• reinstate and ask questions to get more
information and background
• your questions are to clarify that you
both
◆ “Isare sharing
this what the same meaning
you meant?”
103 ◆ “Is this how you feel?”
Active Listening Skills
• Paraphrasing
• Restating in your own words what you
think the speaker said
• DO NOT add to the message
• Speaker: My kids have been driving me
crazy.
• Listener: It sounds like you are really
bothered by them.
• Mirroring or Reflection-of-feeling
 Conclusion
Be mindful;
Adapt listening appropriately;
Listen actively;
Listening is never an easy task.
Keep learning how to improve it
throughout your life!
105
 Today’s agenda:
• After today’s class, you would have
learnt:
I. The features of a healthy relationship
II. Internal and external pressure on
friendship
III. The difference between confirming and
disconfirming communication
IV. How to manage conflicts effectively
106
 Features of a healthy relationship
• Willingness to invest
• Emotional closeness
• Acceptance
• Trust
• Support

107
 Features of a healthy relationship
• Investment
• What we put into relationships that we
valued, e.g., time, energy, feelings etc.
• Perceived equality of investment
affects relationship satisfaction
(Brehm, Miller, Perleman, & Campbell,
2001).
• If we perceive ourselves as having
invested more than our partner, we tend 108
 Features of a healthy relationship
• Emotional closeness
• Emotional intimacy
• Closeness through dialogue –
communication is the centerpiece of
friendship.
• Closeness through action – shared
activities create and express closeness.

109
 Features of a healthy relationship
• Acceptance
• Each of us has shortcomings, and
true friends accept us in spite of our
flaws.
• Important to our sense of self-worth.

110
 Features of a healthy relationship
• Trust
• Trust is earned over time.
• Self-disclosure can build and reflect trust
between people.
• Reciprocity of disclosure is crucial.
• Gender difference in self-disclosure:
• Western women make more verbal
disclosure than men.
• Men talk less about personal feelings,
111
especially perceived weakness or self-
 Features of a healthy relationship
• Support
• Women and men tend to differ in how
they support friends.
• Women generally provide more
emotional support.
• Men provide support through action.

112
 Reflection
• How do you define friendship?
• What are some of the qualities
that you look for in a friend?
• What are some of the qualities
that you have that draw your
friends to you?

113
 Internal obstacles to friendship
• Relational dialectics
• Tension or opposing forces in relationships.
• We strive to negotiate a balance between two dialectical needs.
• Autonomy vs. Connection
(I need my own space but I also want to be
close to others.)
• Novelty vs. Predictability
(I want to be stimulated but I also like routines
that provide a sense of security.)
• Openness vs. Closeness
(I desire open communication but I also need some degrees of privacy.)
114
 Internal obstacles to friendship
• Diverse communication styles
• Misunderstanding may arise from
diverse cultural backgrounds.

115
 External obstacles to friendship
• Competing demands from school,
work, romantic relationships, etc.
• Personal changes
• e.g. after major life transitions
• Geographic distance
• “Out of sight, out of mind”

116
 Confirming vs. disconfirming communication
climatess
• Communication climate is the overall feeling or
emotional mood between people, that is shaped by
verbal and nonverbal interaction between people.
• warm or cold, accepting or rejecting, open or guarded
• In satisfying relationships, the climate is generally
supportive and confirming.

117
Confirming vs. disconfirming communication
climates
Disconfirming communication Confirming communication
Evaluation Description
e.g. “Your desk is a mess.” e.g. “You seem to have more stuff on your desk
than usual.”

Certainty Provisionalism
e.g. “I’ve already figured out what I’m going e.g. “Probably what I would do in that situation is
to do, so just save your breath.” …”

Strategy Spontaneity
e.g. “Would you do something for me if I told e.g. “I really need your help with this computer
you it really mattered?” glitch.”

Control Problem orientation

e.g. A wife who earns a higher salary says to e.g. Conversation between coworkers: “It seems
her husband,” Well.. I like the Honda more that we have really different ideas about how to
than the Ford you want, and it’s my money tackle this new project. Let’s talk through what
that’s going to pay for it.” each of us has in mind and see how we can
connect our goals.”

118
 Confirming vs. disconfirming
communication climates
Disconfirming communication Confirming communication
Neutrality Empathy
lack of regard and caring for others e.g. “I can understand why you feel that way.
e.g. never respond to the speaker, just shrug. It’s an entirely reasonable way to feel in your
situation.”

Superiority Equality
e.g. “If you had my experience, you wouldn’t communicates respect and equivalent status.
suggest that.” We can have exceptional experience or ability
in certain areas and still show regard for others
and their contribution to interaction.

119
 Skills to develop / sustain confirming
ccommunication climates
⮚ Respond constructively to criticism.
⮚ Accept and respect diversity in
relationships
⮚ Affirm and assert yourself
⮚ State clearly and non-judgmentally how you feel, what you
need or want without disparaging others.
⮚ You neither put your needs above those of others
(aggression), nor subordinate your needs to those of
others (deference).
120
 Managing conflicts in relationships
• Interpersonal conflicts exist when people in
relationships have different views, interests or goals
and feel a need to resolve those differences.
• Conflicts are normal and unavoidable in any
relationship of real depth, the challenge is how to
manage conflicts effectively.

121
 Managing conflicts in relationships

• Cultural difference
• Asian cultures
• view conflict as inherently destructive
• emphasize relational harmony so people tend to avoid
winning conflicts at the cost of causing another person
to “lose face”.
• Western cultures
• emphasize individuality and assertiveness so they are
more competitive and reluctant to give in to others.

122
Managing conflicts in relationships
• Gender difference
• Women are more likely to discuss
conflictual issues, while men tend to
avoid or minimize conflict.
• Women are also more likely than men
to defer and compromise, both of which
reflect gendered prescriptions for
women to accommodate others.
123
 Conflict scenario
If one of the members in your project
group hasn’t shown much effort in
working on the group project (e.g.
often absent from meetings, submit
his / her work late), how will you deal
with the situation?

124
 Conflict management styles
High
Concern for self

Low
Low Concern for others High

125
 Conflict management styles

Avoidance
●Low concern for self and others.
●Non-assertively stay away from conflict.
●Avoiders believe that ignoring a problem will make it go
away.

126
 Conflict management styles
Accommodation

• Low concern for self, high concern for

others.
• You allow others to have their way
rather than asserting your own point of
view.
• Accommodators want to preserve the
relationship. 127
 Conflict management styles
●Competition

• High concern for self, low concern for

others.
• Competitors resolve conflicts by
aggression e.g. verbal attack and
physical threats.
• Win-lose situation.
128
 Conflict management styles
Compromise

• Moderate concern for self and others.

• Compromisers may sacrifice part of their
goals so that both can get at least some
of what they want.
• Partial satisfaction.

129
 Conflict management styles
Collaboration

• High concern for self and others.

• Win-win solution that satisfies the needs of
everyone involved.
• Collaborators need to clarify the
differences and similarities in positions,
ideally, come up with a common goal to
work on. 130
 Conflict management styles
• Collaboration might seem like the
ideal approach to resolving problems,
but there isn’t a single “best” way.
• Each of these approaches can be
justified in certain circumstances.
• Wisely use different approaches to
handle conflict effectively.
131
What is your conflict
management style?

132
• Avoidance: Q1, Q6, Q11, Q16, Q21
• Competition: Q2, Q7, Q12, Q17, Q22
• Compromise: Q3, Q8, Q13, Q18, Q23
• Accommodation: Q4, Q9, Q14, Q19, Q24
• Collaboration: Q5, Q10, Q15, Q20, Q25

133
 Conflict management skills
• Be empathic.
• Communicate support.
• Listen mindfully.
• Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings
and don’t blame others for them.
• Use I statements
• Check perceptions
• Paraphrase, ask questions directly etc.
• Focus on the positive aspects of your relationships.
134
Intra & Interpersonal Competencies

Family
 Lecture outline

I. Healthy and functional family and

positive parenting behaviors
II. Diversity in the definition of
“family”
III. The family life cycle
IV. Family communication patterns
V. Guidelines for effective 136
 What is a family ?

• A relatively small
domestic group of
kin (related by
biology, marriage,
or adoption) who
function as a
cooperative unit
(Hanna, Suggett, & 137
 Characteristics of a healthy and
functional family
• Love and affection are present.
• Respect and allow fulfillment of
needs and rights of each other.
• Support mental, emotional, spiritual
growth of each individual.
• Problems are acknowledged and
resolved.
 Positive parenting behaviors
1. Admitting mistakes
2. Spending quality time with children
3. Communicating openly
4. Demonstrating warmth and
affection
5. Showing appreciation
6. Teaching and modeling a core
value system 139
Diversity in the definition of “family”

• Most people conceive a “family” as

involving children, marriage, blood or
legal ties, heterosexuality, and a
shared household (Baxter, 2011).
• Yet, there are diverse types of
families, like a kaleidoscope.
140
Diversity in the definition of “family”

The different types of family:

Single
Cohabitatio Married parents
n
Without With step-child(ren)
children

141
 Household composition of domestic
households, 2001 and 2011
Household Compose of: 2001 2011
Couple 13.2% 15.0%
15.5 % (2016)
Couple + unmarried children 43.1% 39.4%
36.7 (2016)
Lone parent + unmarried children 9.9% 11.9% (2016 too)
Couple + (at least one of) their parents 1.1% 1.1%
Couple + (at least one of) their parents + 4.6% 3.7%
their unmarried children
Other relationship combinations 10.8% 9.6%
One-person 15.6% 17.1%
18.3%(2016)
Non-relative 1.7% 2.1%142
• Along with the change in the
composition of domestic households,
the average household size declined
from 3.0 in 2006 to 2.8 in 2016
• Between 2006 and 2016, the
proportion of households with one to
three persons increased from 63.8%
to 69.2%, reflecting
(i)the tendency of people living alone
143
 Reflection
• What is your family like?

144
The typical family life cycle

145
 Stage 1 – Establishing a family:
Young couples without children
• Partners settle into marriage or
cohabitation, work out expectations,
interaction patterns and daily
routines for shared life.
• Get accustomed to living together.
• Get used to the social labels and to
the social and legal recognition of the
146
 Stage 2 – Enlarging a family:
Families with infants or preschoolers
or both
• A child brings whole arrays of joys,
problems, challenges, and constraints
for the couple.
• New roles are introduced.
• Children decrease the amount of
couple time and change the focus of a
couples’ communication. 147
 Stage 3 – Developing a family:
Families with children in elementary or high
school

• This stage establishes the

foundations of the children’s self-
esteem, values, and lives.
• Parent-child relationships exert
critical influences on children’s
identities and self-concepts.
• The gender of parents and of 148
 Stage 4 – Encouraging
independence
• As children enter adolescence, they
tend to seek greater autonomy. Some
tension between parents and children
are expected.
• Children are learning to be less
dependent on their families.

149
 Stage 5 – Launching children
into the world
• Parents have to adjust to being a
couple again.
• Children are now young adults:
increased independence and self-
discovery.
• “Boomerang children”: When adult
children move back to live with their
parents, family roles have to be re- 150
Stage 6 – Post-launching of children
• All children have left home and the
couple is once again the primary unit.
• “Empty nest”: Partners may have to
redefine their marriage.

151
 Stage 7 – Retirement
⚫Full-time work is no longer a part of life: can
be either positive or negative for the couple.
⚫The family may grow again though the
addition of grandchildren.

152
 Family communication patterns
• Types of patterns (Koerner &
Fitzpatrick, 2002)
• Two dimensions:
• Level of conversation orientation
• Level of conformity orientation
• Is your family laissez-faire, protective,
pluralistic, or consensual?
153
 Family communication patterns
Conformity Orientation
(members are expected to respect hierarchy,
esp. parental authority)

Low High

Conversation
High Pluralistic Consensual
Orientation
(open or closed
communication?)
Low Laissez-faire Protective

154
 Family communication patterns
1. Laissez-faire families
⮚ Limited interaction between parents
and children
⮚ Children are relatively independent of
parents
⮚ Members do not feel close bonds
⮚ Low conversation, low conformity

155
 Family communication patterns
2. Protective families
⮚ Conflict is avoided
⮚ Children are expected to adhere to
parents’ values, beliefs and decisions
⮚ May undermine open and honest
communication between parents and
children
⮚ Low conversation, high conformity
156
 Family communication patterns
3.Pluralistic families
⮚ Family members are encouraged to
express their thoughts and feelings,
but agreement among family
members is not required or compelled
⮚ High conversation, low conformity

157
 Family communication patterns
4. Consensual families
⮚ Substantial depth and breadth in
communication
⮚ Everyone has a say; children are
encouraged to express their ideas and
feelings.
⮚ Parents expect and encourage children
to adhere to the parents’ values and
beliefs. 158
 Reflection
• Of the 4 family communication
patterns introduced, which
one(s) do you think are more
common in Hong Kong? Which
one(s) are less common? Why do
you think it is the case? What
about your family?
159
 Guidelines for effective
communication in families
1. Maintain equity in family
relationships
2. Make daily choices that enhance
intimacy
3. Show respect and consideration
4. Don’t sweat the small stuff
160
Maintain equity in family relationships
• Most of us want relationships that are equitable or fair in a
general sense (Wood, 2011).
• Equity theory: whether a relationship is satisfying and
enduring depends on whether the people in it perceive the
relationships as relatively equitable over time.
• Couple satisfaction seems especially affected by equity in
housework and child care.
• Women do the majority of child care and household chores,
even in dual-worker families: a “second-shift” for mothers.
🡪 Agree on a standard of housekeeping
🡪 Share the responsibilities and benefits of family life

161
 Make daily choices that enhance
intimacy
• Families are projects that reflect the choices made by the
members.
• Families are created or destroyed by those small choices
that are not dramatic.

Show respect and consideration

⚫ Members need to demonstrate continuously that they value
and respect each other.
⚫ Important to communicate respect even when discussing
problems and complaints.
⚫ Happy and unhappy couples differ in how they resolve
problems.
162
 Don’t sweat the small stuff
• Willing to overlook minor irritations and frustrations
inevitable when living together.
• Take responsibility for our perceptions and our feelings and
try to minimize blame.

163
The Eternal Mother, ( Ho, 2007)

She nagged and nagged: “Have you eaten

enough?” “Have you worn enough clothes?”
“Have you forgotten …?” (You dare not admit
to yourself that you might miss her nagging.
And you won’t mature until you find her
nagging entertaining.)

164
 Take home questions for you:
How can you, as a child, strengthen your family
relationships?
• More effective communications with your
parents and slibings?
• More empathy to family members?
• More quality time spent with them?
• More appreciations and understanding but
not blames on and criticisms to them?
• …

Your choices!
Intimate
relationships
 Content
• What is love
• Triangular theory of love
• Obstacles to love & intimacy
• Shyness & loneliness
• Ending a relationship

167
 Why love is important?
◆ Love and intimacy are factors
directly linked to our overall
health
◆ Enable us to live even in
conditions of hardship
◆ Helps us to develop meanings and
values of ourselves

168
 Why love is important?
Viktor Frankl (1963)
◆ A Holocaust survivor during WWII
◆ Developed Logotherapy
◆ Survivors from the hardships in
concentration camp shared
common attitude: the longing and
hoping of one day would be
reunited with their loved ones
169 outside the camp
 Difference between
love and loving

Erich Fromm (1956) : The Art of

Loving
◆ Authentic experience of intimacy
is a process of expressing one’s
inner qualities toward the others
(loving) instead of searching
outward for an objectified ideal
partner
170
 Myths about love
◆ Love is eternal
◆ Love implies constant closeness
◆ We “fall in” and “out” of love
◆ Love is exclusive
◆ Love is selfless
◆ Love and anger are incompatible

171
 Sternberg’s (1987)
Triangular Theory of Love

◆ Identifies three components of

love: passion, intimacy, and
commitment
◆ Love can be expressed in different
ways depending on the
components that are present or
lacking in a relationship
172
 Sternberg's (1987)
Triangular Theory of Love
Intimacy

Passion Commitment

173
 What is your style of
love
Worksheet:
The Sternberg Triangular Love Scale

174
 Sternberg's (1987)
Triangular Theory of Love
1. Passion
◆Intensely positive feelings &
fervent desire for another person
◆Emotional, spiritual, &
intellectual excitement
◆Differentiates romance from
other relationship, but not the
175
primary foundation for most
 Sternberg's (1987)
Triangular Theory of Love

2. Intimacy
◆ Feelings of closeness,
connection, & tenderness
◆ Abiding affection & warm
feelings
◆ Akin to close friendship
176
 Sternberg's (1987)
Triangular Theory of Love
3. Commitment
◆ Decision to remain in a
relationship
◆ Determination to stay together
despite trouble,
disappointments, sporadic
restlessness, & lulls in passion
◆ Relates to willingness to
177
sacrifice for & invest in
 Sternberg's (1987)
Triangular Theory of Love
Liking 喜愛 (Intimacy
alone) “WARM”

Romantic Love Companionate Love

浪漫的愛 友伴的愛
(Intimacy + Passion) (Intimacy + Commitment)

Consummate
Love Empty Love
Infatuation
完全的愛 空愛
瘋狂迷戀
(Passion alone) Fatuous Love (Commitment alone)
“HOT” 愚昧的愛 “COLD”
(Passion + 178

Commitment)
179
 Some characteristics
of consummate love
1. Relationship growth
⮚Healthy individuals grow in a
“positive direction” so do healthy
relationships

2. Fulfillment of needs
⮚Identify the needs in love
180
⮚Mutual satisfaction of needs
 Some characteristics
of consummate love

3. Behaviors of love
• Is this behavior represent
“love” or “fear”, “anger”
etc…?
• Do I feel loved?
• Do I feel affirmed?
- Intimate love enhances self-
181
esteem
 Authentic love
Crooks and Baur (2011) identify the following
characters in a long-term positive love
relationship:
⮚ Self-acceptance
⮚ Acceptance by one’s partner
⮚ Appreciation of one another
⮚ Quality in decision making
⮚ Effective communication
⮚ Commitment
⮚ Realistic expectations
⮚ Shared interests
⮚ Able to deal with conflict effectively
182
 Obstacles to love &
intimacy
1. Self doubt and low self-
esteem

“He is so handsome, but I am not

pretty… Does he really love me? Am I
being fooled?”

“I am unlovable…”

183
 Obstacles to love &
intimacy
Low self-esteem sets the stage
for unhealthy behaviors:
• Feel unworthy of love
• Being manipulated
• Insecurity & lack of trust
• Likely be needy or demanding in the
relationship
• Extreme negative reaction towards criticism
• Self-love is the foundation of loving others &
184
being loved!
 Obstacles to love &
intimacy
2. Fear of love
All relationships involve risk.
Why?
●Involve deep self-disclosure
●Involve commitment
“Ships can be safe when stay in ports, but
it is not what the ships are for”
In positive relationships ,the benefits of
185 loving & being loved may far outweigh the
pain & risk
 Obstacles to love &
intimacy
How to reduce the risk?
• Commit & invest slowly & gradually
• Learn from past hurts
• Keep self-esteem independent of relationship
⮚With self-love you can separate
the end of relationship from a
rejection of self

186
 Shyness and
loneliness
● Shyness can lead to feelings of loneliness
(Zimbardo, 1994)
● However, shyness does not necessarily have
to be a problem, if
⮚ You accept this is your way of
expressing yourself
⮚ You can learn to say and do what
you like when you are with
187
others and still retain your shy
nature
 Ways to overcome
shyness
⮚ Identify those social situations that you feel
most uncomfortable and pinpoint the reasons
underlying your shyness
⮚ Pay attention to your self-talk in these
situations: are you self-judging and do you
believe others are judging you?
⮚ Get out of your comfort zone

188
 Ways to get over a
break up
(Albo, n.d.; Ashworth, n.d.)

1.Realize That It's Over

Until you accept this, you can't start healing

2.Grieve
• Allow yourself time to grieve and get over the
relationship

189
 Ways to get over a
break up
(Albo, n.d.; Ashworth, n.d.)
3. Leave Your Ex Alone
• You both need a little time apart from each other, or
else you'll never stop hurting
• In a couple of months, you might be ready to try out a
friendship, but for now, try to avoid all contact

4. Keep Yourself Busy

• Hang out with your friends and family, play some
sports, hit the gym or dig into your favorite hobbies
• It'll make you feel good & get your mind off of the
breakup
190
 Ways to get over a
break up
(Albo, n.d.; Ashworth, n.d.)
5. Make a Change
• Give yourself a makeover, get into a new hobby, join a
new after-school activity or redecorate your room
• It may make you feel happy & give you a big burst of
confidence
6. Force Yourself to Snap Out of It
• Try to replace negative feelings with positive ones
7. Let Time Go By
• Time really does heal all wounds
• The pain you're feeling now won't last forever, even if it
feels like it will

191
 Conclusion

• Intimate relationship makes our life

meaningful and beautiful, yet, it’s
not easy to have one.

• If you have a good partner right

now, learn to polish the relationship
with efforts and knowledge.
192
• If you don’t have it yet, be patient and
wait for the right person. Start by
loving yourself first.

• If your present relationship upsets

you, try to remedy it with the
knowledge. If it really comes to an
end, accept it with courage. You will
become a better person with each love
experience.
193