Liar Liar (1997)
Swoosie Kurtz: Dana Appleton
Photos
Quotes
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Fletcher Reede : Mrs. Cole, is this a copy of your driver's license?
[shows paper]
Samantha Cole : That's right.
Fletcher Reede : It says here you are a blonde, are you? If you don't remember, perhaps Mr. Falk will.
Samantha Cole : Brunette.
Fletcher Reede : Maybe if we play the tape again, maybe it's on there...
Samantha Cole : I'm a brunette!
Fletcher Reede : Thank you. Now let's see... weight, 105? Yeah, in your bra.
Dana Appleton : Your honor, I object.
Fletcher Reede : You would!
Dana Appleton : Bastard!
Fletcher Reede : Hag!
Judge Marshall Stevens : QUIET! Overruled! Weight?
Samantha Cole : 118.
[Fletcher gives her a look]
Samantha Cole : Alright, fine, fine, I'm 127.
Fletcher Reede : Uh, huh, and it says here you were born in 1964, but that's not true either is it? Is it!
Samantha Cole : No.
Fletcher Reede : Please tell the court what's on your birth certificate under Date of Birth.
Dana Appleton : Your honor, I object. What does this have to do with anything?
Judge Marshall Stevens : Overruled. Mrs. Cole, answer the question.
Samantha Cole : 1965.
Fletcher Reede : Now let me get this straight. That means you lied about your age to make yourself older. But why would any woman want to do THAT?
Samantha Cole : I changed it so I could get married.
Fletcher Reede : AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! My client lied about her age! She was only 17 when she got married, which makes her a minor. And in the great state of California, no minor can enter into any legal contract without parental consent.
[to Dana]
Fletcher Reede : Including...?
Dana Appleton : [sighs] Prenuptial agreements.
Fletcher Reede : Prenuptial agreements! This contract is void! The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard Community Property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets, or $11.395 million. Jordan fades back, swoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor!
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Judge Marshall Stevens : How are we this morning, Counselor?
Dana Appleton : Fine, thank you.
Judge Marshall Stevens : And how about you, Mr. Reede?
Fletcher Reede : I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.
[Shocked pause]
Judge Marshall Stevens : Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?
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Fletcher Reede : You had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? LIAR!
Dana Appleton : He's badgering the witness!
Judge Marshall Stevens : It's his witness.
Fletcher Reede : You slammed her! You dunked her donut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!
[Makes gobbling noises while pushing himself against the table]
Kenneth Falk : Alright! Alright, it's true, okay? I humped her brains out! There, now ya happy?
[awkward silence]
Fletcher Reede : No further questions.
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Dana Appleton : You wanna play hardball? I'm game.
Fletcher Reede : [mockingly] Wanna play hardball? I'm game.
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Fletcher Reede : [outtake] Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!
Dana Appleton : Your Honor, I object!
Fletcher Reede : You would!
Dana Appleton : Overactor!
Fletcher Reede : Jezebel
[bursts out laughing]
Fletcher Reede : .
Dana Appleton : [points at director] He put me up to it! Tom Shadyac!
Fletcher Reede : Oh no, they're on to me!
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Judge Marshall Stevens : I understand both parties have agreed to joint custody, is that correct?
Dana Appleton : Yes.
Fletcher Reede : Yes.
Samantha Cole : No! I'm contesting custody.
Fletcher Reede : What?
Samantha Cole : If I get sole custody of the kids, that's another 10 grand in child support payments.
Fletcher Reede : [dismayed] You just won $11 million!
Samantha Cole : Hey! I'M the victim here! You said it yourself. Now I'm gonna hit it where it hurts.
Fletcher Reede : [whispers] But... you said he was a good father.
Samantha Cole : [coldly] So?
[Fletcher stares at her in shock]
Judge Marshall Stevens : Well Mr. Reede, do we have an agreement on custody or not?
Fletcher Reede : [quietly and sadly] No.
Judge Marshall Stevens : [also sadly] I see. In that case, there will be a custody hearing on the 19th at 9 AM. Court is adjourned.
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[last lines]
Fletcher Reede : [outtake] Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!
Dana Appleton : Your Honor, I object!
Fletcher Reede : You would!
Dana Appleton : Overactor!
Fletcher Reede : Jezebel.
[bursts out laughing]
Dana Appleton : [points at director] He put me up to it! Tom Shadyac!
Fletcher Reede : Oh no, they're on to me!
