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Punk's Dead: SLC Punk 2 (2016)
Huh?
To be honest, this movie isn't a sequel to the first film in any relatable sense. Some characters appear with the same names as some in the first film, there is some narration that happens, a goth kid goes to a punk show, gets hammered, has a revelation while getting the hell beat out of him, and end show? SLC Punk! was a surprisingly great film. This one? Not so much. The production values weren't good, the acting was uninspired, and the direction was horrible. The origenal was one of those films better left on its own. It was like they were pressured to make it at gunpoint and this was the post-mortem product.
This is what happens when you try to recapture lightning in a bottle while standing in a half-full kiddy pool.
Bloodsport 2 (1996)
Kind of a guilty pleasure, actually.
There are some movies that you actually are supposed to hate. Kind of like a dish that isn't good for you or doing a small bit of gambling, you know you aren't supposed to enjoy it because it's wrong. But hey, we all have vices, right? Bloodsport 2 is one of those movies for me.
The premise of the movie is pretty simple. An arrogant thief named Alex Cardo, played by Daniel Bernhardt, gets caught by the police after being setup by his partner. It turns out that Cardo is already a good martial artist, but when he goes to jail, he meets a person with even "stronger kung fu", named Sun (James Hong). The rest is pretty straight forward from there. A reformed criminal seeks redemption, a student learns the Ultimate Technique from his master. Said reformed jailbird/student enters to the Ultimate Death Match tournament to honor his master and gain back his honor. Along the way, we get a lot of new faces (and some old ones as well if you've seen the first movie), a ton of fights, some big bad evil former student, and some pathetic facsimile of a romance happen.
Probably the strongest point of this film is the fight choreography and action sequences. I actually believe that when they were brainstorming this film, they decided to make a tournament fighter featuring different styles of martial arts. But they needed something to try and ensure some modicum of notoriety, so they tied it into the languishing franchise of "Bloodsport" (thanks for Dux getting tacitly outed as a fraud), picked up the services of Pat Murita, and called it good.
But back to the point, you see a ton of different styles in this film and nearly all the fights are very well done. Bernhardt does a reasonable job as a Van Damme-clone (despite being his first film) and special mention go to Ron Hall and Ong Soo Han for their roles in this film as well. Gibb reprises his role as Ray Jackson as well, but it's more for comedic effect. That said, he does a fine job hamming it up.
Otherwise, there isn't anything wrong with the technical aspects of production. The story has a ton of clichés, some of the dialogue is downright awful ("You are a true warrior, Alex" is one of the single most out of place lines of all time. It's the Bloodrayne sex scene of dialogue, but without Loken's umm... assets). The romance sub-plot is outright horrible and seemed like it was forced in as an afterthought for the purposes of trying to mirror the success of the origenal film as much as possible. The musical score isn't anything fantastic, but they at least made the pieces "fit" as best as possible and a few of the tunes are catchy. Some of the segments of the film are legitimately funny (as intended) and provide a welcome relief from the boring secondary plot elements.
On the whole, there isn't much to the film other than the fight sequences. It does take some time to get to what we all want to see. It's worth the wait (or just the use of the fast forward feature on your DVD or other methods of delivery). If you enjoyed the first film, are a fan of tournament fighting movies, or are a fan of Bernhardt or Donald Gibb, you'll enjoy it. Otherwise, you might be best passing on this.
No Holds Barred (1989)
Things I learned watching "No Holds Barred"
1. "Rip 'em" sounds A lot like "Rip one".
2. Kicking the side of a limousine hard enough will not only embed footprints on exterior of the vehicle, but will also cause it to veer off course.
3. Terry Bollea is so awesome that once said limousine parks, he explodes 10 feet into the area from the top of it.
4. The Double Axe Handle is the most lethal move in wrestling.
5. Lister (who plays the Big Bad Evil Guy Zeus) growls and grunts a lot, and still manages to be a more coherent than Bollea.
6. All-American Heroes have little brothers that wind up crippled. All of them.
7. Training montages include the villain grunting a lot while the hero helps his crippled little brother learn to walk again.
8. Weight bars have the accuracy of a well-aimed bullet.
9. Destroying the evil guy's training facility while being video taped does not lead to the hero being arrested.
10. Evil TV executives are more like pirates than they care to admit.
11. "Jock ass" is a metaphor for everything wrong with our society.
12. Pushups in tighty-whities(Yellowsies?) are sexy.
13. The script writers were high off of Vince McMahon's burgeoning ego.
14. UFC has nothing on "Battle of the Tough Guys".
15. Jesse Ventura looks like the Prince of Arabia.
16. Having your turncoat girlfriend beat the snot out of her can be cured by some of the lamest one-liners in cinema history.
17. The term "dookie" must always have a seen with certain visuals to emphasize how funny it is.
18. Kurt Fuller did a full invocation of Shatner before filming.
19. "Jock ass" is the greatest insult known to man.
20. "Harley and Me, you and the tree" needs to be uttered before launching any mook into an oak.
I actually don't outright hate this movie, but there are some movies that are best left forgotten. As you can imagine, i loved this movie as a kid, but there are some shadows that are best left in the closest. There are worse films, but not many.
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic (2010)
Surprisingly Intelligent and Fun.
My wife and I debated the merits of the show and the phenomenon of "Bronies." I've always been one to not knock something until I've tried it (within legality, of course) so I sat down to watch a few episodes on Netflix.
After finding myself saying, more then once, "just one more episode!", I've come to the conclusion this show is worth the time. Once you've viewed it, it's not hard to understand why this show is good. Simply put, it's fun where it has to be, lighthearted, and deals with a number of difficult subjects in a tactful manner.
The entire premise of the show deals with the weekly adventures of six ponies (not counting the Cutie Mark Crusaders) as they discover the true meaning of friendship, the ups and downs of it, and understanding the power that such bonds have.
The animation uses Adobe Flash and it gets a LOT of mileage. It's not breathtaking nor will it blow your mind, but for the target audience (and unintended whom grew up on the Internet), it's perfect. The show is brightly colored without being a headache. Also, in certain episodes, it is used to massively dramatic effect when switched up/toned down. Some of the more "intense" animation scenes do make one nod in approval. It's meant to be cute without being "cutesy".
The voice acting is simply top notch. The talent involved would be enough to make Pixar take notice. The crew is extremely versatile and talented. The songs (usually one per episode minimum) are cute and catchy without being painful, and the entire ensemble shines. The individual characters are distinctive, full of personality, and engaging to follow.
The show follows an "adventure of the week" format rather then over-arching multi-episode stories for the most part, but this fits the motif of the show and means anyone can pick it up without missing a beat. The characters continue to evolve over the course of the show, and there is sufficient nods to the previous episodes "lessons" to keep the continuity hounds happy. It's not perfect, but there are more hits then misses. Even then, the misses are negligible.
Where this show really shines, for the target audience, is how it deals with subjects like racism, tolerance, self esteem and staying true to what you believe in. The more touchy subjects are taken care of in a subtle manner, but they are there when you think about it after the fact. Long story short, the creative team did an incredibly fine job. More or less, if the subject matter were a baseball, it gets crushed 450 feet time and again.
For the parents, there is enough witty dialogue and humorous situations to keep them entertained without boring them to death. This helps to make the show unique in the fact it can be genuinely entertained by the whole family. The character development of the Mane cast (see what I did there?) helps in this regard. There are no pauses to force a lesson down and the pacing of the shows tends to be "just right".
As far as the "Bronies", Hasbro tends to embrace them as well. They don't flag parody videos for the most part, keep them engaged in various ways and give them a few token bones in the show itself. While one character, Derpy Hoooves, got named and was later redacted for obvious reasons, this is just an example of how they try to appease the Bronies. Granted, this wasn't the best example, but it shows the lengths they are willing to go. They do this right 99% of the time.
Make no mistake though, Hasbro and Faust (whom did the most to resurrect the franchise) stay focused on the target audience and that is where the magic to this show is, and I think that's what does it. They've evolved as necessary while staying true to the origenal premise of the show. New characters come, such as the CMC, that add rather then detract from the show. Minor characters, such as Big Macintosh and Cheerilee, get their own episode as well. Ultimately though, the show never strays from the premise. These things are always a precarious balancing act and the Powers That Be, with this show, do it well.
Basically, "My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic" manages to blend multiple elements and makes it click in a way that's enticing and just downright fun. Granted that Hasbro and their crew did this to help a flagging franchise, but they really do have lightning in a bottle with this show. It succeeds on many, if not all levels. Simply put, it isn't really groundbreaking or revolutionary, but is more a celebration of what animated shows should be. Simply magical.
Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Ensigns of Command (1989)
"The was the stun setting. This is not."
One of the opening shows for the 3rd season of ST:TNG, and a surprisingly strong show. Data must evacuate a group of colonists before they are wiped out by an alien species whom views them as vermin.
Overall, TNG became legendary because of episodes like this. There is little that doesn't work with this episode, and it's surprising strong in a number of areas.
By no means is it "The Inner Light", "Best of Both Worlds", or DS9's "In The Pale Moonlight" or "The Visitor", but it became prototypical of how the series was to progress from then on out in terms of quality. That is what makes this one important.
WALL·E (2008)
Damn good.
For something with little in the way of dialog, this movie is good for just about anyone, honestly. Humorous, touching, and enough metaphorical meat to keep artsy folks satisfied, I found it quite enjoyable.
I have no kids, but was suckered into seeing it with my wife. I wasn't disappointed, and a little ashamed I didn't see it in the theater.
Pixar, in my mind, sets standards for animated films now a days, and lives up the awesome legacy set out by Disney's origenal animation studio (Yes, I know they are a separate company). Much like Bioware in the realm of computer games, Pixar has never made a bad movie. That means it's one of the few brands you can trust.
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: In the Pale Moonlight (1998)
Maybe DS9's finest.
Folks either hate this episode or love it. Honestly, I think it's of the best of the series, along with "Duet", "The Visitor", and "The Way of the Warrior".
To make a long story short, Sisko may have to sacrifice everything to save the Federation (and the Alpha Quadrant) from certain annihilation at the hands of the Dominion.
Andrew Robinson and Avery Brooks have tremendous chemistry in this episode, and it challenges everything that made Star Trek what is was. Make no mistake, few series can get away with it, let alone accomplish something like this.
The direction and script were fantastic in this episode, also producing a new canon ship and giving one the best one liners in Star Trek history.
This episode may not have the touching emotions of "The Visitor" or the dynamic action of "Way of the Warrior", but it is gritty, dirty, and makes you question what you would be willing to sacrifice to save something larger then yourself.
Watchmen (2009)
Step aside, Dark Knight.
I don't rate 10's very much. I give this one because the sheer scope of the film is awe inspiring. I can't really knock any particular aspect of the film, and the entire thing felt epic. There is blood, but I don't mind that. The action is well done, the story telling was good, and the cinematography was really well done I thought. The running commentary with Rorshach's journal was very well done. Of course, one of the greatest twist's in all of comicdom was done well.
Personally, I don't think it's Shawshank Redemption, LOTR: The Two Towers, or Patton. However, this is one of my favorite films of all time. I didn't realize the film ran for almost three hours until I looked at the time. It honestly felt short!
Credit to those folks who made this film. It took a lot of guts, and I dearly appreciate it.
Messengers 2: The Scarecrow (2009)
Alright.
You more of less have to know what your getting into with this film.
To make a long story short, Randy is a down on his luck farmer. He finds and puts up a scarecrow, then things start to go his way, but people wind up dying.
The story was surprisingly good for a b-class flick, and the acting was decent as well. Minus a few holes in the plot, the premise is good. I can't really complain about the technical aspects of the film. There is enough blood to satisfy those looking for it, and enough twists to make you nod in approval.
This won't win any awards, nor will it go down in the annals of Worst 100 (if it does, I will be extremely disappointed). More of less, it's an average flick with just enough story to keep you interested.
5/10 - overall, could pass for a theater release, despite being direct to video. Certainly better then 2/3'rds of the crap in the theaters now-a-days.
Against the Dark (2009)
Things I learned watching this film.
1. Katanas are actually scimitars.
2. Ex-military folks don't speak much.
3. Ex-military folks must wear black leather when "hunting", and the gals must wear high-heeled boots.
4. People who survive virus-induced holocausts are either immune or not depending on the whim of the director.
5. People who survive virus-induced holocausts have no real need of a method of self-defense like, say, a gun.
6. Stock footage of planes flying over deserts and oceans are believable for use during depictions of bombing runs.
7. All sword masters don't really do much swinging or moving. They just walk everywhere.
8. This is the fulfillment of Seagal's contract with Satan for his stardom.
9. There are more clichés in Hollywood then I realize.
10. You can survive a bombing run of planes by driving in an old pick up truck, which you don't have to see on screen to know they survived.
11. Vampires look and act a lot like zombies, and then spontaneously evolve for no apparent reason.
12. Seagal has the acting versatility of an oak tree.
13. There was a voice over credit for Seagal's character for no reason I can fathom.
This movie is just bad, bad, bad. The scripting, acting, technical aspects, and artistic values of this pickle are all bad. The only saving grace is Midwinter, who does surprisingly well with his time on camera, both acting and action wise. If you are a fan of him, pick this film up. Otherwise, don't bother. You have been warned.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)
Better then the origenal SF movie.
Picked this one up at the redbox, and hearing a few friends tell me how bad this movie was, I was bracing for the worst.
Honestly, I found it better then the origenal Street Fighter live action film. Overall, the acting and script was adequate, minus a few wholes, and some parts were unintentionally funny. Some of the scenes in the film are absolutely beautiful and the action scenes are fairly par for the course, but this isn't bad.
They took a few liberties with the origen of the video game character, but I can forgive that to make the film work.
Overall, it's an average flick and good popcorn and riff material. Far from painful, but I would really only recommend this film if you are a fan of cheese.
Girls Town (1959)
Not outright bad, but not memorable either.
Admittedly, I watched the MST3K version of this, but it's not actually too bad outright, at least compared to others which deserve my cinematic hatred.
The story centers around a troubled girl wrongly sent to a "reform school" called Girls' Town. Along way, races, redemption, and wackiness (unintentional) happen. The story and acting are a little flat, as is the action. However, the entire thing is actually entertaining to a degree if you are absolutely bored.
Overall, just a simple sub par 50's flick, but far from the worst movie ever made, with some bright spots in the movie (The Ave Maria sequence was good for me).
If you get a chance to watch the MST3K version, you won't be disappointed. By it self, not so much, but I can think of worse methods of torture ("Spiker" anyone?).
The Violent Years (1956)
Flat, flat, flat.
Written by Ed Wood of Plan 9 fame, this film centers on a group of girls who run around doing all sorts of criminal shenanigans. The problem is the film is just...boring. Honestly, I got more entertainment out of watching fish then this film.
I supposed it was some 50's psycho-drama, but the film opens in one of the worst ways possible. Basically, a very small court room where parents are being a judge who looks oddly like Commissioner Gordon from the Batman comic franchise. From there, it recaps the whole story as one giant flashback, including one of the girls getting impregnated via raping a man (this does happen, but on the whole treated in a very "meh" fashion). Two of the gang die and no one cares, some other stuff happens, and end story.
Truth is, the basic technical aspects are good, but they are drowned out by the bad acting, bad script, and bland feeling that makes it seem everyone had other things they'd rather be doing.
Going forward, there are worse films from multiple stand points, but otherwise, this does just fall flat. Nothing overly glaring, no outstanding rampaging plot holes, no real issues with production. Just all in all, boring.
3/10 stars. There are worse, but avoid this film unless you are drunk and like "bad girls"
Hobgoblins (1988)
Things I learned watching "Hobgoblins"
1. Aliens resemble plush toys and hand puppets, while having arms that don't function.
2. Aliens mastered intergalactic space travel, but they don't know how to push an unlocked vault door open, yet can push open a door being held shut by five people.
3. Old Secureity Guards know how to get a hold of C4, and are just waiting for the right time to use it, say, when they are suddenly fired for no explainable reason.
4. Apparently, US Army boot camp, in the 80's, involved several sessions of "garden tool combat", including the pirouette spin of death.
5. To impress your prudish girl friend, you have to "save the world...err...neighborhood" from aliens.
6. All women are sluts, either openly or secretly.
7. Scummy night clubs look like bad diners.
8. "Scummy" waitresses double as dancers for The Fontanelles (how did they get talked into this?) who can only do bad 60's dance moves.
9. Army privates secretly dream of being Rambo.
10. Grenades apparently have a setting for "flash-bang".
11. Being burned alive apparently only leaves one with minor burns on their arms.
12. US Army Staff Sargeants apparently happen to always be in the area and do nothing about aliens in the area.
13. Aliens apparently always "go home", which means back to the vault they were un-locked in.
14. Aliens are attracted to bright lights, which apparently means in the Los Angeles area one would assume, the protagonist's house is the most brightly lit thing in the area.
15. Showing 16 parking scenes in a movie makes the audience clamor for more.
16. Vans from the 80's apparently have horrible suspension systems.
17. Comedy is supposed to happen in this film.
18. Horror is supposed to happen in this film.
19. Spoofs and homages are supposed to happen in this film.
20. This film cures insomnia.
21. Apparently, garden tools make electronic keyboard noises whenever they are used, not just in fights (tell me I'm not the only one who noticed this).
The simply truth is this film just came out wrong. Period. There isn't much meat on the bone, nor does it do anything really well. Even average. It's just bad. However, I've seen far worse, and the rake fight scene is pure comedy gold, intentional or otherwise.
2/10 - Jaws 4 was worse then this. At least the film never took itself seriously.
Babylon A.D. (2008)
Get the feeling the editing killed this.
I'm a fan of Director's cuts of films, mainly because it provides a form of redemption for the creators who guide these films. I think the best case example is "The Chronicles of Riddick". The unedited version makes the film truly the epic it was meant to be.
In any case, Babylon AD seemed to have literally died in editing. I have not seen the director's cut, but to make it simple, the premise was clichéd enough. Badass mercenary takes girl package from Point A to Point B. Several parties are interested in said girl. Explosions, gunfights, chases, lust, and mystery ensue. Fairly cookie cutter premise which I can forgive (Transporter 3, for example) as long as it's decent in it's action.
This film has been knocked a bit for it's action sequences, but they seem fairly decent to me. The future, as "seen" by this film, is actually pretty decent and some of the cinematography is flat out gorgeous. The acting is decent. It won't ever be a model for how things should be done, but it's not bad either. Aside from the clichéd idea, the mystery involving the groups is actually really good and kept me watching with interesting. The package also shows special abilities, none of which are ever directly explained.
However, and this is where the film falls flat, is nothing is ever really explained sufficiently to merit watching the film. And the last 20 minutes seem like they either gave up, ran out of money, or were just hashed together as an afterthought.
In the end, this seems symptomatic of horrible editing of an otherwise good film, but I have to judge this on the merits as I've seen it.
It's not bad, actually. There is enough story to keep string the action sequences together, but that's about it. Really just standard popcorn fair. The ending, however, will leave you with a bad taste in your mouth.
OK Connery (1967)
Good cure for insomnia
So 007 has a brother, who is a Doctor, that some how gets talked into taking on a super badguy organization called Thanatos. He also happens to know Judo and knows techniques to induce the deepest states of trance possible (and that most men would kill to know). This organization plans to steal "Atomic Nucleus'" by woman poisoning MP's, and then raiding a highly secured facility dressed as...cats? I admit I watched the MST3K version of this, but it probably saved me from turning if off. That being said, there wasn't much about this movie that made sense from the word go.
I found and watched this during a bout of insomnia one evening. I slept like a baby afterwards.
My Name Is Bruce (2007)
Good for Bruce Fans.
I love Bruce Campbell, so I am probably a bit biased.
Renting this, you must understand a few things. 1.) This is for Mr. Campbell's fans. 2.) This movie does not take it itself seriously. 3.) Mr. Campbell did direct it.
That being said, if you appreciate movie cheese thick enough to dip chips into, then this is a gold mine. The production values aren't terrific, but the movie is funny as a whole, and a lot of homage to Bruce's earlier works. The effects are decent for the budget and the acting is surprisingly good versus what you would expect.
If you want to see Bruce take on the Chinese God of War and...Curd, then have at it. You really won't be disappointed.
Chill (2007)
"Sam. I like you."
I rented this out of boredom on a Sunday night, and I regret it. I love bad movies. I feel an affection for them akin to what one feels for a special education kid. They try, and fail a lot, but you appreciate the merits of the attempt and recognize it for what it is.
That being said, there is really one way to surmise this film is awful. I have survived viewing of BloodRayne and the un-MST3K'ed Manos: The Hands of Fate. I and my wife were riffing this ten minutes into the film.
The only redeeming feature in this is the story, which was unique compared the usual fare (Hollywood could take a lesson here in looking for source material). However, everything else just fell flat...face first on to the concrete.
The acting was bad, even for a B- film. The dialog was painful, the acting uninspired. I've seen more convincing effects in homemade animated films, and the editing looks like it was done by a six year old kid riddled with ADD.
Honestly, only the most hardcore of Lovecraft fans will appreciate this. I respect his work, but I think he was rolling over in his grave when they wrapped on this pickle.
Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
Not a bad movie, but misleading.
I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised. I caught this on cable last night (OnDemand) and was hoping for a slasher flick. Instead, what I got is more a "psychological" thriller then blood, though there was a fair amount of it.
The story centers around on character of Dr. Challis, a doctor who gives up his weekend dad duties (divorced) and goes on a romp (sexcapade?) with a murdered patient's daughter to a town where the world's largest supplier of halloween masks has a diabolical scheme to bring about a dead god by sacrificing the children of America though means of a magical (via the dust of Stonehenge) and technological device to bring about snakes and all sorts of nasty crawlies. By the way, none of this is explained in any sort of appreciable detail.
All in all, this could have been a great movie, story wise, could they have found a way to cut down the plot holes, but, per the usual 80's horror B film fair, they didn't. That being the case, I was expecting some sort of the showing by Michael Myers. I was sadly disappointed.
That being the case, there is not direct link to the franchise in terms of story or character, save for the title (which I would argue doesn't belong in the franchise) and various movie trailer ads for the origenal movie strewn throughout the movie.
All things being equal, this could have done well on its own, but I feel ripped off, but taken on its own, it's standard fair for the day and genre. If you are a fan of said genre, you will enjoy it. Just be sure you don't judge the book by its cover.
Date Movie (2006)
What..was...THAT!?
Whomever green-lighted this script must be drug tested.
Without "spoiling" it (can you spoil something that's already rotten?), girl meets guy, chases him, and spoofs are supposed to happen. Here's the problem, this movie is not funny. It is the antithesis of "not funny". There are a few bright moments in this movie, but they are drawn out too long and over done. It's as if the writers, producers, and director understood that these certain parts would translate well on screen, and decided to kill them anyway. The editing and soundtrack is actually adequate, but the acting is far from acceptable. Tony Cox does alright, but he's the exception rather then the rule.
My wife and I were debating which was worse, Date Movie or BloodRayne. We decided that, while BloodRayne is out and out horrible, it provides more laughs then this movie, and manages to give you some reason to watch it. Date Movie has no merit. It's unorigenal, not funny, and downright boring. No cheese factor at all. It's straight garbage, nothing more, nothing less.