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Friday, January 7th, 2011

1

Run, Rudy, Run! An Editorial

by The Awl @ 3:10 pm

Nothing would be better for our nation than to have America's Mayor™, Rudy Giuliani, throwing his hat in the ring for the Presidency for next year's election. He brings a major benefit to any serious political moment: the principle of chaos. His proximity to any political race, in fact, brings a mad destabilizing power. In New Hampshire in January of 2008, Rudy flew in to take 9% of the Republican primary vote, narrowly beating Ron Paul. (It should also be remembered that John Edwards nearly got twice that, in the Democratic vote.) The Gulianimentum threw everything into disorder, from the moment he arrived, flanked endlessly by state troopers. It skewed votes, bent minds, and opened up a special vista into the political process, namely: that any schmuck could run, thereby exposing the other candidates to serious scrutiny: are these people just "any schmuck" too? By and large, they were. (To be fair, Chuck Norris being constantly beside Mike Huckabee didn't help that cause either, let's not forget.) Read More

1

Things they don't teach you in journalism school: Reporters in Austin are taking concealed handgun classes so they can use the express lane when they need to enter the Texas Capitol. "The theory, apparently, is that people licensed to pack heat have undergone a thorough background check and can be waved right through." (You will also learn why some Texans carry more than one gun at a time.) @ 3:00 pm

0

Farewell, Larry King, Vampire Referee of America's Cultural Values

by Mike Barthel @ 2:25 pm

Talk show hosts: grr! We hate them! They are so inauthentic and trashy! They are poisoning our culture and so on! But now here it is 2011 and we are sorta-kinda mourning the retirement/evolution of two of the biggest: Oprah and Larry King. Larry aired his farewell on New Year's Eve, counting down the 25 most important moments in his show's history, which at first seems to validate all those old criticisms. Seeing Deep Throat next to Bette Davis and Marlon Brando next to Obama's inauguration sure does make it look like talk shows have no sense of importance. Larry is making serious things less serious, and America is still anxious enough about its own cultural importance that we dislike this. But maybe all of these things are equally serious. And maybe talk shows have become a kind of vital democratic institution. Read More

0

The dining demographics at the Charlie Mom Chinese restaurant in the Village: "Who comes here?, I asked my waiter. 'Old man. Old woman,' he said with halting English and stunning frankness." @ 2:10 pm

 
2

Crosseyed German Possum A Superstar

by Dave Bry @ 1:40 pm


"The reason for Heidi's crossed eyes is unclear, but zoo officials speculate that it might be because of fat deposits behind her eyes, caused by a bad diet early in life. The eyes might look off, but they cause the animal no pain, and don't affect her ability to get around, according to the zoo. She is, aside from her looks, a normal opossum. But those looks are the key to her new-found fame. As the song written in her honor predicts: 'Our Heidi is no model, and doesn't need blond hair, but she is already famous and soon will be a superstar.'"
—Oh, man. It's totally going to turn out that those fat deposits behind Heidi's eyes contain more than 77 times the approved level of dioxin. With more than 3,000 farms closed in a contamination scandal, German agriculture looks to be in for a rough 2011.

4

"Thousands of dead turtle doves rained down on roofs and cars in an Italian town in the latest in a growing spate of mass animal deaths across the globe. Residents in Faenza described the birds falling to the ground like 'little Christmas balls' with strange blue stains on their beaks." But, you know, not to worry. @ 1:30 pm

13

How to Know if You're Going to See "Season of the Witch"

by Choire Sicha @ 1:00 pm


• Have you previously and intentionally seen at least three of the following films: Ghost Rider, Knowing, Inkheart, National Treasure: Book of Secrets or Centurion?

• Would you describe yourself as extremely bored and lonely?

• Are you wearing a shawl right now, and do you empathize overly with women in ancient times who were burned at the stake?

• Do you smoke marijuana more than twice a week on average?

• Have you had major dental surgery this morning?

If you answered yes to four or more of these questions, you are actually going to see this insane Nicolas Cage Crusades-era vehicle, the highlights of which seem to be that it includes "real castles" in its locations and also is not Country Strong. But that still doesn't mean that you're going to like it.

9

CES: Shiny Things To Actually Want

by Choire Sicha @ 12:30 pm

Recently I was talking with Paul Graham, of genius startup incubator Y Combinator, for a story, and, while on a tangent, he made a case to the tablet-adverse folks like me. "The tablet, I believe now it's pretty safe to say, is the next model of computer," he said. "I think twenty years from now, kids will say, 'What's a computer?' And we'll say, 'Oh back before you used an iPad or an Android device for browsing the web, you had to use this thing with a keyboard and a big monitor.'" And I was like, really? (People like me, who use computers for text, find this idea slightly scary.) And he was like, yeah, dummy, basically: "It's still risky! But I'm pretty much ready to call it at this point." He also noted that, of startups he has seen, that "five years ago, everyone was starting a web startup. And now they're all—well, not all—they're starting things that build upon tablets." Believe it. So I've tried to pay particular attention to tablets during this CES. There's a ton of them! And I guess I'd better get used to loving them. Actually they're not so scary! Read More

15

Two-Headed Calf Creeps Me The Hell Out

by Alex Balk @ 12:10 pm


Seriously, with all the technological advances we've made in the last two decades, how come no one has invented an "unsee" button? Anyway, if I have to know about this, so do you. We're all in it together. [Shudders.]

6

"Newly discovered documents have revealed a bizarre footnote to the history of the Second World War: a Finnish mutt whose imitation of the Hitler salute enraged the Nazis so deeply that they started an obsessive campaign against the dog's owner." @ 12:00 pm

0

Patton Oswalt's Surprisingly Haunting Memoir

by Cameron Tung @ 11:30 am

Once you’ve made it, it’s hard to resist the urge to take a victory lap. For those who’ve succeeded in a big way on a large stage, the lap usually takes the form of a book, in which thinly disguised self-glorification attempts to pass for genuine reflection and introspection. And yet in his memoir Zombie Spaceship Wasteland, Patton Oswalt, who has racked up impressive achievements in stand-up, movies, and television, not to mention his status as the standard-bearer for alternative comedy, abstains from even the mere hint of self-satisfaction. Rather than just dully chart the path that led him out of obscurity and into startling professional success, the comedian instead focuses the gaze of his memory on the days before stand-up was even a glimmer of a dream to examine exactly what it is that he left behind. Read More

4

Destroyer, "Kaputt" And Why Everything's Fine With The Birds And The Environment And Stuff

by Dave Bry @ 11:00 am


Okay. It's been fun (is that the right word?) getting all hysterical about the great planetary die-off this week. (Sure, yes, "fun" is right.) But, really, everything's going to be okay. Read More

11

New York City Has Healthier Babies, Because They Want Them

by Choire Sicha @ 10:33 am

In 2009, according to the numbers just released by the City at the end of 2010, New York City had 126,774 live births! And 90,000 pregnancies—that were reported, at least!—ended in chosen termination. So of course the Archbishop is weeping and freaking out. Read More

5

Happy birthday to Rolling Stone founder Jann Wenner, who turns 65 years young today. Where did the time go? @ 10:20 am

2

The Streets Are Paved With Snowy Garbage

by Alex Balk @ 9:50 am


New York now: a city where the fast-falling precipitation drapes the piles of uncollected rubbish in a thin layer of winter's wonder. I am absolutely not being insincere when I say there's an eerie kind of beauty to it. At least now; by tomorrow it's just gonna look like trash and ruin again. Read More

6

Confused about the current trending Twitter topic "Great British Granny Bang? Here's some context. Hope that helps! @ 9:40 am

4

Here you will find pictures of a lemur hopping over a turtle. @ 9:30 am

3

Don Tyson, 1930-2011

by Dave Bry @ 9:00 am

Don Tyson, the Arkansas businessman who turned his family's chicken farm into a fortune 500 company, Tyson Foods, has died of cancer. He helped develop Chicken McNuggets for McDonald's and KFC’s Rotisserie Gold. As Little Rock financial analyst Mark A. Plummer told The New York Times in 1994, “It was pretty much Don’s vision that fueled the company. He saw that if you added more convenience by further processing the chicken, consumers would pay for it.”

45

Our Desperate, 250-Year-Long Search for a Gender-Neutral Pronoun

by Maria Bustillos | January 6th, 2011

All of a sudden Supreme Court judge Antonin Scalia decided to revive the crazymaking debate regarding the Fourteenth Amendment's protection for women—or, apparently, lack thereof. Here is what Justice Scalia told California Lawyer: "Certainly the Constitution does not require discrimination on the basis of sex. The only issue is whether it prohibits it. It doesn't…. If the current society wants to outlaw discrimination by sex, hey we have things called legislatures, and they enact things called laws. You don't need a constitution to keep things up-to-date. All you need is a legislature and a ballot box. You don't like the death penalty anymore, that's fine. You want a right to abortion? There's nothing in the Constitution about that. But that doesn't mean you cannot prohibit it. Persuade your fellow citizens it's a good idea and pass a law. That's what democracy is all about. It's not about nine superannuated judges who have been there too long, imposing these demands on society." That is pretty rich. I guess he thinks that these superannuated judges only get to haul in the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment when it benefits the likes of George W. Bush. Read More

5

Bird Songs For The Apocalypse (Or, The Last Mixtape Any Of Us Will Ever Listen To)

by Dave Bry | January 6th, 2011


I guess it shouldn't come as any surprise that a list of rock songs with the word "bird" in the title would be a list of great songs. After all, birds fly (or, well, they used to) and rock stars like to pretend to fly by using drugs and airplanes. Anyway, with the recent planetary news, birds are on the brain. It's not hard to connect the dots (though it is very hard to do so as wonderfully as some other people do): the world needs a soundtrack to end to. And, actually, we could do worse. Read More

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