Source:Ask Vector Prime/Guest column
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This is a copy of the Ask Vector Prime Grim Grams, Swindle's Spiel, Sentinel Shouting, Bee's Backtalk, Renegade Rhetoric, Shark Sonnets, and Spacewarp's Log pages at the latest update. The original Q&A and AllSpark Almanac series answers can be found at our archives here. The Ask Vector Prime Facebook page archive exists Ask Vector Prime here. The "Ask Sideways" Facebook entries can be found here. All spelling, grammatical, and formatting errors are left as is.
October 2015
October 1, 2015
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1503575056623303&id=1419639905016819&ref=bookmarks
- Axiom Nexus News Editor
- ED: What do you mean, Vector Prime left? Where did he go?
- Rook: That's what I intend to find out! He didn't apply for an off-world or off-reality transit pass, so he's clearly in violation of Axiom Nexus law. And with the rumors that Viron has just gone dark, the timing is more than suspect. I will not rest...
- ED: Rook, Vector Prime is far and away our most popular program.
- Rook: .. until I get to the bottom of this! I will turn over every rock, I will...
- ED: Rook, are you hearing me? He's your lead-in, for Primus' sake!
- Rook: ...question every one of his associates, I will...
- ED: Rook! Your only job for right now is to find a replacement columnist.
- Rook: ...hack every system... wait, what?
- ED: Find a replacement advice columnist while Vector Prime is, um, "on sabbatical."
- Rook: But... but I'm an investigative journalist! I don't have time for--
- ED: Make time. ANN can't afford to slide further in the ratings. Not after that stunt you pulled with Rhinox.
- Rook: stupid Vector Prime, just leaves whenever he feels like it...
- ED: What was that?
- Rook: I said I'd find a replacement. Not that it'll do us any good, his queue is password protected.
- Andromeda: Ummm... I have his password.
- Rook: What? How'd you--
- Andromeda: A few solar cycles ago, he asked me to answer one of his questions. I'm a reporter, I've got a good memory. Unless he changed it, but I doubt it. He left in such a hurry. I hope he's all right.
- ED: Then it's settled. Good work, 'Romy. Rook, get me that replacement, and get it yesterday!
- Rook, Andromeda: Yes sir!
https://www.facebook.com/AxiomNewsRook/posts/984098301633790?notif_t=scheduled_post_published
- Rook - Axiom Nexus News: Investigative Journalist
- Stupid Vector Prime, stupid editor, stupid stupid stupid.
- OK, let's try Cragun's List.
- "WANTED: ADVICE COLUMNIST
- NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED
- MUST BE WILLING TO START IMMEDIATELY."
- OK, let's see if that gets any hits.
https://www.facebook.com/AxiomNewsRook/posts/984099044967049
- Rook - Axiom Nexus News: Investigative Journalist
- Rook: I'm glad that you're interested in the position. So, tell me, what experience do you have?
- Grimlock: Me Grimlock have lots of experience. Me experience stomping Decepticons, me experience biting Decepticons, me experience blasting Decepticons, me experience--
- Rook: Got it, you're good against Decepticons. But you've not blasted or stomped any since coming to Axiom Nexus, right?
- Grimlock: Well, um, see--
- Rook: Nevermind, not really relevant to this job. What I need to know is, do you have experience helping people solve problems?
- Grimlock: Me Grimlock sure do! Help Daniel when he get lost in another universe.
- Rook: Dimension travel? You sound perfect. And you can start today?
- Grimlock: Me Grimlock can start right now if you want.
- Rook: Me Rook want! Me... I need to get back to the real work, finding out why the government is covering up that we've lost contact with the Viron cluster and what Vector Prime had to do with our current state.
- Grimlock: Ummm... what Byron mustard?
- Rook: Hahaha. You're quite the comedian, Grimlock. A real Skullcruncher.
- Grimlock: Me sure am!
- Rook: Good luck.
- Grimlock: Me Grimlock excited! Can't wait to help answer questions.
Grim Grams
October 1, 2015
Me Grimlock say thank you! Me very happy get to answer all questions you have. Me do my best to give you good smart answers like only a Dinobot can. Me tell nice reporter bot me not want to forget password for computer, so he write it in nice big post-it note and stick to side of monitor. Now me for sure no forget.
Now, me think it time to start. Me think me call this... Grim Grams.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Grim Grams,
Given the ruthlessness of Cemetery Wind, many of us are worried for the well being of Sam, Agent Simmons, Colonel Lennox and other Autobot allies from the Tyran cluster that did not appear on "Age of Extinction". Could you tell us what happened to them after the Battle of Chicago?
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A: Sanitary Wind? What Sanitary Wind? Me Grimlock never heard of it. Me think you no have to worry, Decepticons may be jerks but Autobots always stop them before puny humans get hurt. Me sure Sam and Agent Simon and Kermit Lemon all just fine.
- Q: So this is Ask Me Grimlock now? Lol is anything confirmed by you going to be considered canon by Tfwiki? If not, will you be angry?
- Grim Grams Cannons not make Grimlock angry. Me Grimlock love cannons. Me have anti-tank cannon that me like almost as much as atom-smashing submachine gun or galaxial rocket launcher.
Q: Dear Grim Grams,
What tastes better Beryllium Bologna or Cesium Salami?
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A: Me think both taste yummy. But Plutonium Pepperoni taste best of all.
Now you make me Grimlock hungry. Gonna order Strontium Spaghetti, be right back. Old question answer guy have ANN expense account, maybe he use same password.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Grim Grams,
What are the identities of these Recordicons in this image? What happened to them?
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A: Me Grimlock stomp puny Decepticons! Why you want know about puny Decepticons anyway? Much better you learn about me, Grimlock! Grimlock's favorite color red. Grimlock love Jurassic Park. Grimlock enjoy dancing.
October 2, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Grim Grams,
Is there a T-Bob in the Transformers Multiverse?
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A: T-Bob? Me Grimlock not know any T-Bob. Me Grimlock know T-Rex! T-Rex much more better than T-Bob.
Q: Dear Grim Grams,
Can you fight Unicron?
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A: Me Grimlock did fight Unicron! Me kick his butt. Maybe Hot Rod Prime give a little help too. Then me go to his head in space and turn his brain into new Autobots.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Grim Grams,
Is there a Transformer that turns into a Panda bear?
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A: Panda bear? Me not know. Me do know there is Transformer who turn into dinosaur. Can you guess who?
That right. It Sludge! Ha! Me Grimlock trick you.
Q: All Hail Grimlock!
Who was the tastiest Decepticon you ever munched on?
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A: This am best question me read yet! Me think Megatron taste best. Him think he tough but he go crunch just like any other 'Con loser.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Grim Grams,
To your knowledge has anyone ever tried to use cosmic rust against Unicron?
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A: Me Grimlock not think so. Me no like cosmic rust. It make many Autobots sick so Dinobots not allowed come to Ark. But me think Unicron too big for cosmic rust to make sick. Him Unicron planet, you know. Cosmic rust just teeny tiny little bugs. No way tiny bugs can stop big huge planet.
October 3, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Grim Grams,
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There are Transformers who have "parents" and "children". Do you have any sort of offspring?
A: Me Grimlock made Technobots! Maybe they my children. Maybe me buy Computron present on him birthday. Me think it November 14. Wheeljack and Ratchet make me. Then, Wheeljack and Ratchet are Technobot grandparents. Me sad they no get to meet Technobots. Me think they be very proud of Grimlock for building such important new Autobots.
- Q: By Jackpot. =)
- Grim Grams This picture make Grimlock sad.
Q: Dear Grim Grams,
Are you a member of the Lightning Strike Coalition?
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A: Me Grimlock think it best leave politics to other bots. They always want you sign dumb petition or march in rally making chants. Me Grimlock love a good chant as much as any other bot but me have better things do. Like munch Decepticons or give advice on holovision. Me Grimlock famous! Hi, Kup!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Grim Grams,
Why did you lie to us about the Tyran Dinobots?
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A: Who tell lies about Dinobots? You tell me now, then Grimlock smash!
- Q: Vector Prime did, and then he told us you look like jerks!
- Grim Grams Me no look like jerks! Him look like jerks! Him look older than Kup and Kup am way too old already. Him always leaking on floor or driving backwards. Not rad new bot like me Grimlock.
Q: Dear Grim Grams,
Are there any female Dinobots? And if so what does she turn into?
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A: Me Grimlock not think so. There only five Dinobots me Grimlock know. Maybe me talk to Perceptor, ask him build new girl Dinobot.
If there be female Dinobot, me Grimlock think that she probably turn into giant robot dinosaur. You not know that? Me Grimlock think maybe you not very smart.
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1507822769531865&id=1419639905016819&ref=bookmarks
- Axiom Nexus News Editor
- ED: ROOK!
- Rook: Chief, I've almost finished tracking down--
- ED: Rook, have you seen Ask Vector Prime's ratings? They're plummeting!
- Rook: I... look, I replaced him with a dimensional-traveling hero. What more do you want from me?
- ED: Have you been watching his program?
- Rook: Well... I mean, I'm busy trying to figure out why the Multiverse is falling apart. I don't exactly have time for--
- ED: To put it bluntly, the bot is an idiot. I terminated his contract 5 breems ago.
- Rook: Oh, no.
- ED: Oh, yes. Replace him. With someone clever.
- Rook: <grumble grumble> you got it boss <grumble grumble>
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=985013441542276&id=890548954322059&ref=bookmarks
- Rook - Axiom Nexus News: Investigative Journalist
- Someone clever, he says. Let's see who we have. No, too boring. No, too random. No, too out there. Oh. Oh, he'll do nicely. A bit pricey, but then, who could put a price on ratings?
- Now, back to the hunt for answers! The truth is out there.
Swindle's Spiel
October 3, 2015
Greetings, Femmes and Gentlemechs. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Swindle, and I'll be your guide through the wonders of the Multiverse, answering all of your questions with style and aplomb. Too good to be true, you're saying? A service this amazing must cost a fortune, you think? Well, you're wrong. It's absolutely free! Let's go to straight to the first question in "Swindle's Spiel!"
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Swindle's Spiel,
Have you ever been sick? What are Cybertronian diseases like?
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A: Have I ever been sick? Who hasn't! But Swindle, Swindle & Swindle has the cure for what ails you! Reverse Evolution Virus have you feeling not yourself? We've got the REVERSE Reverse Evolution Virus. Or maybe you'd just call that the Evolution Virus. I don't name 'em, I just sell 'em!
Got a case of Corrodia Gravis? Metal Fatigue wearing away at your joints? Maybe the dreaded Cybercrosis? Not a problem, I've got the newest thing in medical technology, the Placebotron 5000. Lease it for a few vorns and you'll be right as acid rain. (Shipping and handling charges do apply, penalty for early termination.)
Suffering from the Cybonic Plague? Then STAY AWAY. I'm not scared, you understand, it's just the other customers I'm worried about. But if you've got a little case of an Energon Discharge Virus, swing on by and get yourself some Berzerker Button. Does it cure EDV? Of course not, but after a couple of sips, you won't care anymore!
So remember kids, Swindle, Swindle & Swindle has all your medical needs covered!
(Swindle, Swindle & Swindle does not have all your medical needs covered. If this is an emergency please contact a licensed med-tech.)
- Q: Wow, Oil Slick must like your store!
- Swindle's Spiel I've got a couple that are some of my best customers.
- Q: But do you cary anything for GPS? Asking for an um "friend" - Black Z
- Swindle's Spiel You're in luck, Mr. Z! Red Alert developed a cure for that back in the Malgus great war, and we here at Swindle, Swindle & Swindle are the primary license-holder for Nexus cluster distribution. If you're under warranty, you're in luck. If not, worry not! We have easy monthly financing options available at a low, low 27% annual interest rate.
- Q: Placebotron sounds effective. How much is it?
- Swindle's Spiel It's so cheap, you won't be able to afford NOT to have one!
- Q: Hey Swindle, I hate to break it to you but none of us can actually buy what you're selling. Quadwal cluster and all that. So spare us the free advertisements.
- Swindle's Spiel That must be tough, being confined to just one reality. However, not too tough for Swindle, Swindle & Swindle to handle. We've got a wide range of Reality Bridges, Critias Gates, Dimensional Interfacers, Transwarp Drives, and other technologies that will allow you to be traveling through the Multivese in style!
- Q: Dear Swindle: Any new weapon you want to sell
- Swindle's Spiel The man asks if I have weapons. A cut-up you are, a real cut-up.
- Q: Do you have anything to cure the delusion that Transformers has ever actually been RUINED FOREVER?
- Swindle's Spiel Oh, no, has your friend been exposed to a particularly nasty Metafictional Bomb with the RUINED FOREVER software patch? You have my sympathies. While nothing that Swindle, Swindle & Swindle sells can help him, years of intense therapy may be able to rid him of these delusions. Send him my way, I know a couple of great psychologists. Besides, bots who think all of reality is fictional make great customers. They tend not to be overly tight with their credits.
October 4, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Swindle's Spiel,
Does Cybertronix have an alphabet? Could you tell us the names of the letters? For example, Ay, Bee, Cee...
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A: Friend, you're in luck. I won't bore you with the spelling of our phonetic system, which really doesn't translate well at that level. But what I will do is give you the ABCs of what we're selling down at Swindle, Swindle & Swindle! Yes, that's right, we've got everything, from Alternium to Zodiac Energy!
Think I can't do it? Think again! Swindle is always up for a challenge. Give me a letter, I'll give you a piece of merchandise.
- Q: Gimme a B!
- Swindle's Spiel You want a B? How about a Bouncer Bomb, guaranteed to destroy... something! Great for use when you've got your enemies in an enclosed space.
- Q: Dear Swindle: Wow, how much Alternium cost
- Ask Vector Prime We have 2 micrograms for 10,000 shanix, or 5 for 20!
- Q: What can I get with a C?
- Swindle's Spiel We've got the finest Cy-Gars, all the way from a Xobitor-cluster Zull!
- Q: Can I buy a vowel...or how 'bout the rest of them: E, I, O, and U...and sometimes Y.
- Swindle's Spiel Tall order, my friend. Let's see... ah, here's a nice Energon Infusor, I suppose you could count that as either an E or an I. Let's go with E, because I have a brand-new case of Inhibitor Claws for all your non-lethal crowd-control needs. We just got an Omni-Directional Relay in the other day, all the way from my buddy Demus on a Malgus-cluster Tebris VII. And, u, u, u... ah, here go go. Some nice Ultralight for all your fabrication needs. Oh, and you wanted a Y, as well. You're in luck, I've got the schematics for a Y-Wing Bomber, perfect to scan and use as an interstellar-flight-capable alt-mode. Whew! Let's try to keep to one letter at a time from now on.
- Q: How bout a g?
- Swindle's Spiel That's easy... I've had a pallet of G-Metal girders stacked in the back room for months! I'll let it go cheap.
- Q: Dear Swindle: How much i't cost
- Swindle's Spiel One girder, 40,000 shanix. Or get all 10 for 350,000.
- Q: What might a D get me?
- Swindle's Spiel I've got one of Weirdwolf's trained Dynametal Ducks on consignment. Does tricks and everything. Cutest little thing you ever did see.
- Q: How 'bout an F, my good bot?
- Swindle's Spiel You're organic, right? I don't want you to think Swindle, Swindle & Swindl handles only robot needs. We've got sizzling Frijoles served to order.
- Q: how about a s?
- Swindle's Spiel Want to send your commandos on a mission and be sure they won't spill their guts? I mean SURE sure? Nothing beats a Suicide Button! We'll sell you the device, but if you get the installation from us we can cut you a discount.
- Q: What does H bring in?
- Swindle's Spiel Getting a little too much unwanted attention? Hows about you pull out your very own Hyperspace Mallet! Drive off attackers or simply express your displeasure at unwanted romantic attention with a Hyperspace Mallet, today!
- Q: Anything for J?
- 'Swindle's Spiel For my money, you can't go wrong with a good, old-fashioned jetpack. Know an Autobot who's stuck on the ground? Not anymore. Strap one of these babies on and you'll be soaring with the Seekers in no time.
- Q: Will L get me anything good?
- Swindle's Spiel I have a 200-carat Lysken Crystal, absolutely flawless. It once belonged to the Princess Perfectina of Tau-Ursa. It can be yours for a mere 200,000 shanix... and yes, of COURSE I have financing.
- Q: How 'bout that K?
- Swindle's Spiel Hmmm... I've been going high-end, but sometimes you find yourself in a down & dirty bar brawl. In those instances, what wouldn't you pay for some integrated knuckle spikes? Pop right out and give your enemies what-for!
- Q: How much for M?
- Swindle's Spiel For you, my good man, I've got some Mechanite I'm selling at half-price. Useful if you need to disrupt electrical impulses.
- Q: What about a p?
- Swindle's Spiel I've been waiting for that one... I have a Project Prime team yearbook, signed by Fortress Maximus, Brainstorm, Goldbug, and Highbrow. Makes a great gift.
- Q: What might Q rake me in?
- Swindle's Spiel How about a nice Quasar Rifle? Blast away your enemies with a weapon that never needs reloading, never jams, and, in the right hands, never misses!
- Q: Got something for N?
- Swindle's Spiel Nanobots! Easily programmed, can accomplish in minutes what it'd take days to do by hand.
- Q: R's gonna be something great, huh?
- Swindle's Spiel Planning to travel through the void of space? Can't do that without a Rectifier Coil, no-siree! Available in regular, deluxe, and ultra-premium.
- Q: What about T?
- Swindle's Spiel Got yourself some Outlier powers and aren't sure how to control them? Let Swindle, Swindle & Swindle upgrade your cyber-limbic programming with a Transmetal Driver patch. Guaranteed to help you master your new superpowers.
- Q: I definitely need to know what you've got for V?
- Swindle's Spiel If you're into antiques with historical significance, you're in luck. I have the original Voyager 2, launched into the depth of space by your species back in 1977. Rumor has it that there's a secret message encoded on it, but me, I personally never went in for that DaVinci Code stuff. Still, you never know...
- Q: X sounds like it would be something crazy.
- Swindle's Spiel Believe it or not, nothing too special. I do have an Xbox 360 game console if you're into retro.
- Q: What about W?
- Swindle's Spiel All manner of whips and chains. Lightning Whips, Electro Whips, Cyber Whips, Cryo Chains, Battle Chains, and more. Perfect for the battlefield or anywhere else.
Q: Dear Swindle's Spiel,
Was Grimlock angry when he left?
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A: A perfectly understandable question! Robot Resources can be a daunting task; it's difficult to let an employee or contractor go gently without sending them into the arms of a competitor with all your trade secrets, or engendering a berserker rage that winds up with an intern torn limb-from-limb. (From limb. Mini-Cons these days, am I right? What, two arms and legs ain't enough for you?) It's also expensive! Who can keep up with the ever-changing bureaucratic requirements the Senate keeps handing down?
Swindle, Swindle & Swindle Consulting, that's who! Outsource all your RR needs to SSSC and you'll never have to worry about an employee leaving angry ever again. Our trained specialists will let them down gently, with a minimum of property damage. We'll also make sure you don't get hit with any pesky fines for non-compliance. You'll also save a bundle by not having dedicated RR staff in place. So call the number on the bottom of your screen right now, and start saving today!
- Q: Any thing for Conjunx counciling?
- Swindle's Spiel Having troubles? Sorry to hear that. That's not a line we've gone into, but I can recommend some good 'bots from personal experience. Things haven't always been copacetic between Swindle, Swindle, and myself, you know. Hope it all works out between you and your C.E.
- Q: Alright, what's there names?
- Swindle's Spiel Blot and Froid are both pretty good. Tell 'em Swindle sent you, maybe they'll cut you a break.
Q: Dear Swindle's Spiel,
Free? What's the catch?
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A: NO CATCH! Axiom Nexus News pays me, so you get this incredible service ABSOLUTELY FREE. How can they afford to do it? How can they afford NOT to? This program is their number-one ratings getter, so they needed a charming and charismatic host to make sure they don't get overtaken by TF-NBC.
- Q: TF-NBC?
- Swindle's Spiel TransFormers - Nexus Broadcasting Corporation, of course. I made a killing shorting them on the DMIA a few years back.
- Q: Ah...and DMIA? Just trying to keep up with the acronyms.
- Swindle's Spiel The Dirk Manus Industrial Average, of course.
Q: Dear Swindle's Spiel,
What would you say is the most important trait one must have to be a good salesperson/robot?
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A: Great question. GREAT question. I can see that you're a human with dedication, ambition, and a great future in front of you. And having a strong sales technique will benefit you not just on the floor, but in all areas of your professional and personal life.
Unfortunately, there's no one trait that you need to have; it requires a whole host of skills to be a success in this line of work. Fortunately, you CAN learn them yourself. All you need to do is order my nine-datatrax set, entitled "Salesbotship: Getting to Yes." This set will teach you everything you need to know to succeed in life. You'll be amazed at how your confidence soars after you listen to the first datatrax. And best of all, they can be yours with an initial payment of only 1 shanix! You'll get the first datatrax delivered GalEx the very next day. Love it? Do nothing! We'll send the next datatrax the following orbital cycle for just 40 shanix, and one each orbital cycle after that for the same deal. Think it's not for you? Just contact our friendly staff and explain the situation and I'm sure we can work something out.
That's right. For just one shanix, you too can start your new life. (Shipping and handling fees apply. Early termination applies. Does not include tax, excise fees, or import duties.)
- Q: Wouldn't hiring a Wireless Automated Sales Person (or "WASP" for short) be cheaper?
- Swindle's Spiel In the short run, sure, you'll save a fortune on commissions. In the long run, if your business can handle a 20-30% drop in sales, more power to ya.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Swindle's Spiel,
Why does the head of the Wrecker combiner Ruination look like Emirate Xaaron?
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A: Why does anyone look like anyone? Nine times outta ten, it's the colors. And what does wonders for colors? Electronic Paint, that's what! We've got double coats, triple coats, quadruple coats, even our Quintesson-special quintuple coat. Tired of your boring yellow color scheme? Switch back and forth to Cliffjumper red, Wasp green, G2 gold, and Polar Assault white at will. I mean, I'm not allowed to mention his name without paying him royalties, but after my rather famous client had his last treatment he felt like a gold bug! So drop on down to Swindle, Swindle & Swindle and get your fresh coat of Electronic Paint today!
- Q: This wouldn't be the same G2 Gold that Slingshot used is it? I hear that didn't work out so well for him.
- Swindle's Spiel The courts found that Swindle, Swindle & Swindle wasn't liable for that. There was a disclaimer clearly printed on the back of the cannister in a highly-visible 2.5 point font.
October 5, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Swindle's Spiel,
From where did Megatron obtain the alien Transmetal Driver in universe Primax 496.22 Alpha?
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A: I dunno, but if you ever find out, let me know! Vok tech is always in high demand. I can't keep it in stock. It's literally flying off the shelves. If you're on the market, though, I do have one slightly pulverized Vok Probe. Poor girl had a little antimatter accident. If you're looking for a fixer-upper bit of Vok tech, you won't find better.
- Q: I have a seller with a "slightly used and worn, floating island" made using Vok tech. Would you be interested?
- Swindle's Spiel Put me in touch with him, I'll slip you a sweet finder's fee.
Q: Hey Swindle, whats up?
Have you ever been on a date before? If so, how was it?
A: Of course I have. No point in having money without having someone to spend it with, amiright? I tend to go in for very fancy, very expensive restaurants, luxurious car washes, front-row seats to the Iacon 5000, that sort of thing.
- Q: Who have you taken on dates?
- Swindle's Spiel I had a terrific outing with a Malgus-cluster Swindle after a malfunction with his personal storage dimension (would LOVE to get me one of those!) landed him here. We hit Seizer's Palace and did everything; laughed our chassis off at Armorhide's act, enjoyed Windy's amazing pipes, won a few hands of Praxus Fold 'Em, and generally had a great time.
- Q: Sounds like a blasty blast!
- Swindle's Spiel Oh, we were in the Blasty Zone for sure.
- Q: What happened to that Swindle, Swindle? He sounds quite the charmer.
- Swindle's Spiel Didn't work out, sadly. We had great chemistry together, but Swindle never really took to him. We slipped a few shanix to the authorities and got his case expedited. He's back home now, hopefully making some buckazoids.
Q: Dear Swindle,
Which Swindle do you like more Swindle or Swindle?
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A: You know, they both have their good points. Swindle has just an encyclopedic knowledge of merchandise from all over the multiverse. It doesn't matter if it's an electro-disruptor rifle, a coda remote device, a signed copy of Xal Unbound, or a Mini-Con panel, he knows what it is and how much someone will pay.
Swindle, on the other hand, is a charmer, a real people-person. His empathy protocols are tuned to eleven, because you can't spend five minutes with him without getting the sense that he genuinely likes you and cares about your problems.
And me? I'm the closer. I never take no for an answer. But thank you for asking, and I mean that. So many people assume that we're all interchangeable, and that's absolutely not the case.
Q: Dear Swindle's Spiel,
Does the war make currency markets unstable?
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A: It sure does. A canny bot can make a fortune converting at the right time, for the right rate. I know a Mainframe who became a billionaire just swapping crindars for syli for quatloos for aquillian crystals for cubits for shanix for solari. But whatever you've got in your wallet, drop by Swindle, Swindle & Swindle and I'm sure we can make it work.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Swindle's Spiel,
Have you ever known a reality where Nightbird was an actual Cybertronian Decepticon?
.
.
A: You interested in Drones, son? Then Swindle, Swindle & Swindle is the place to be! Our back-lot is packed to the brim with every kind of Drone you can imagine, and a few that'd blow your mind. We got Blitz Engines, we got Galamen, we've got weaponized Q-Drones, we've got a spare Hellhound, we've got Centurions, we've got Dead Ends... oh, sorry, I'm being told that the Senate has outlawed the sale of Unicron-based technology. So, if you're looking for a Dead End, I'm afraid you've come to a dead end. I couldn't possibly sell you one. <wink>
Terrorcons more your speed? We've got Insecticons, Doom-Locks, Divebombs, Scrapmetal, and one slightly-damaged Command Ravage. Just the IFF software, nothing too critical.
We have Sharkticons and Allicons. We've got a sale running on Mark IV Guardians. We have a pair of Legislators, and if you can get them to say anything other than "Nineteen eighty-four" I'll let you have them cheap.
So, the next time you think "Mindless Drone," think "Swindle, Swindle & Swindle!"
- Q: Hmmmm you got some KSI units? LOVE the versatility of those ones.
- Swindle's Spiel Are you kidding? Stingers are one of my bext sellers!
- Q: Also, how about some Vehicon drones?
- Swindle's Spiel Tank-drones, cycle-drones, copter-drones, and more my friend.
- Q: How about Terrorbots? Specifically the Overcharge or Noisemaze class?
- Swindle's Spiel Got some of each, and Guardminders as well.
October 6, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Swindle's Spiel,
What sort of relationship do you have with Jim Sorenson?
.
.
A: That fragger owes me 600 quatloos!
Q: Dear Swindle,
What's it like being part of a combiner, and how can I become part of one?
.
.
A: I won't lie, it's not an experience for everyone. Your whole being gets subsumed into something different--some might say greater. Parts of you that are very strong continue to guide the new being.
As for how to become one, well, there are a few ways, but I'd recommend buying time on the one and only Enigma of Combination. Now, does Swindle, Swindle & Swindle have one in stock? No, sadly, we don't, but I happen to have heard a very credible rumor about where it is and will gladly sell you a map, plus all the gear you'll need for your long, perilous, expensive journey.
- Q: Who's the best Primax combiner containing your body-type? Bruticus, Battle Gaia, or Baldigus?
- Swindle's Spiel Baldigus? Sounds like a Headmaster!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Swindle's Spiel,
How is Raf able to understand Bumblebee?
.
.
A: How is anyone able to understand anyone? Language problems got you down? Then what you need is a genuine, Institute for Higher Programming-certified Universal Translator! Don't waste your time mucking around with translator microbes or babelfish, get yourself a the only tried-and-true method for interspecies communication.
Yes, with the Universal Translator, you'll be able to understand millions, maybe BILLIONS of creatures in pure idiomatic Cybertronian. Don't speak Cybertronian? Not a problem! For a small fee we can adjust it to translate it into Humanic, Nebuleese, Shi-Laotian, Illixian, High Vestial, Low Vestial, Quintanese, Tyroxian, Tykosian, Klovian, and Bk'nsish. Available to buy or rent. Financing available, so come on down to Swindle, Swindle & Swindle today!
Q: Dear Swindle's Spiel,
What would you do if you met your "shattered glass" or good-guy counterpart?
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.
A: Try to get to know him better! I'm sure he'd have some interesting stories to tell. Maybe he's ascetic, or runs charities, or maybe he's just a giant sucker. Either way, I guarantee you I'd have fun finding out.
Q: Dear Swindle's Spiel,
Have you ever thought that you might want to change your name to one without the unfortunate implications of your current one? For business reasons, of course.
.
.
A: Are you crazy? Do you know how many millions of years I've been working on my brand? How many other Decepticons would an Autobot routinely feel comfortable dealing with, hmm? Besides, my original Cybertronian name has reached such notoriety that it's actually entered the lexicon as a word meaning "ruthless and unscrupulous businessman." You can't BUY publicity like I've got!
Anyway, I just got handed my walking papers, so looks like this'll be it from me. But remember, if you want an unbeatable selection of merchandise at ridiculously low prices, come by Swindle, Swindle & Swindle. We're open 32/8, 256 days a year, and yes, we do honor competitors coupons.
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1505925629721579&id=1419639905016819&ref=bookmarks
- Axiom Nexus News Editor
- ED: ROOK!!!
- Rook: Yes, chief?
- ED: Rook, have you been following the current Ask Vector Prime column?
- Rook: I'm a little busy trying to discover what the Senate isn't telling us about why the Multiverse is blacking out. I don't exactly have time to go reading an advice columnist.
- ED: You gave Swindle free airtime on our network?
- Rook: Um... well... you wanted someone clever, you remember, and his Tech Specs put his Intelligence at a 9.
- ED: You. Gave. Swindle. Free. Airtime. On. Our. Network.
- Rook: I mean, technically, we're paying him, so it's not free, but just to answer questions. Our contract was very clear on that.
- ED: You signed a contract with a bot named Swindle and you're surprised he was able to subvert it? I had to let him go, after we negotiated his redundancy package. First thing tomorrow morning, line up a replacement for him. And this time, can we please try to get someone straightforward? Someone earnest?
- Rook: Earnest. You got it.
Sentinel Shouting
October 7, 2015
LISTEN UP, CYBER FLY MAGGOTS! SENTINEL MINOR IS HERE TO WHIP YOU INTO SHAPE! YOU ONLY NEED TO REMEMBER ONE THING... I AM THE ALLSPARK. I SAY "TRANSFORM," YOU SAY "HOW FAST?" QUESTION MY ORDERS AT YOUR PERIL!
Umm... any questions? Sentinel Shouting is here to whip you into shape.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sentinel Shouting,
Is there a combiner team based on water vehicles?
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A: Water vehicles? What kind of loser bots have a water vehicle for an alt mode? No thank you! Real bots roll on wheels. Remember that, you'll go far. Literally, what with the wheels and all. AllSpark strike me down if you ever catch me cavorting with combiners or non-land bots, or, and I shudder to think of it, non-land based combiners!
- Q: But one of your own subordinates is a non-land based combiner Safeguard. And he's the only combiner you have!
- Sentinel Shouting Non-land combiner subordinate? What are you talking about?
Q: Dear Sentinel Shouting,
Do you know if Fortress Maximus, The Metroplex, or Trypticon Prison are sentient and/or can transform?
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A: Sentient? Why would we make our buildings sentient? Like that makes any sense. "Oh, I'm Alpha Trion, I'm older than metal and I run the Guilds Domesticus and I think that we should cut military spending because I'm a fossil. Hey, walls, what do you think?" "SPOT ON, ALPHA TRION." "Thanks, walls!"
Pffff... sentient buildings.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sentinel Shouting,
We once saw a glimpse of a universe where this 'bot would rise to lead the Autobots, Could you please give us some more insight into this reality?
.
.
A: Now, that is a fine looking bot! Looks a little like one of our commanders during the Great War. You should aspire to be more like him, or me. Good role models are important.
Q: Dear Sentinel Ryhmes,
Word is you are quite the poet. Can you honor us with some of your work?
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.
A: WHO TOLD YOU THAT? I never showed my poems to anyone!
But... if you REALLY want to hear one, I suppose I can regale you with a performance.
Here's one I call Hope of the Commonwealth. Ahem.
Relics of the past,
We need not your grasping, clawing, servos
We need not your ossified views
We need not your outdated programming
Ultra? More like old-tra.
Step aside, step aside
New energon shall lead the way
The new golden age shall come
When new voices are the loudest
When old whispers fade to silence
It's still a work in progress, so don't judge it too harshly. But please, let me know what you think.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sentinel Shouting,
What is the name of the Motorvator Combiner?
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A: What is with all the combiner questions? If the AllSpark had intended us to combine, it would have created us with a Spark of Combination. Anyway, I suppose if a Motorvator Combiner came through my boot camp, I'd call it something like... Big Motorvator!
October 8, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sentinel Shouting,
What is your favorite color?
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.
A: I'm rather partial to blue and orange, myself. So much more noble than a garish red, an undignified green, a cold gold, an immature yellow, or an old-fashioned white.
Q: Dear Sentinel Shouting,
What's the entry requirements for the Elite Guard?
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.
A: Only the best, most physically fit, most driven, most dedicated, most integrity... um... having... sure, why not? Most integrity-having bots are accepted by the Autobot Academy, where the leaders of tomorrow are chosen from the recruits of today. If you're thinking of applying, make sure you can do a thousand transform-ups before breakfast, have a clean record, and don't do circuit-boosters. Stay in school, kids!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sentinel Shouting,
I've been a little confused lately as to the origins of Optimus Prime in the stories told by Michael Bay. One source called him an "orphan" and the last of the Primes, and yet after seeing the hatchlings in ROTF, I hadn't thought Cybertronians in that world were raised by individual "parents".
.
.
A: Optimus... Prime? No way, I don't think so. I'm only a Minor myself, and I'm way ahead of that coward. I'll make Magnus before he makes Major, I'll bet my Skyboom on it!
Q: Dear Sentinel Shouting,
How would you lead a hypothetical campaign against the Decepticons?
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.
A: I'm glad you asked. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this. Basically, what it all comes down to is applying superior Autobot know-how to the problem. There are a lot more planets in the Autobot Commonwealth than there are in the outer-rim dregs Megatron has the audacity to call a "Decepticon Star Empire."
The trouble is, the Commonwealth planets have way too much autonomy. They can build whatever they want, travel wherever they want... I mean, not the planets, they're pretty much in fixed orbits, but the 'bots ON the planets can go wherever they want. So, first off, I'd institute mandatory conscription. Swell the ranks of our army. I'd put an end to the inefficiencies of private enterprise; who needs more widgets and wazoos? We need more ships, more shield generators, more heavy artillery. We've got five times the industrial capacity of the 'Cons, why not use it?
After we've got them outnumbered ten to one, I'd send in our fleet and wipe them off the galactic map, making sure that nothing bigger than a nano-flea gets out without a pair of stasis cuffs affixed. And I'd put a huge bounty on the head of anyone wearing a purple badge, to deal with the stragglers. Decepticons have no honor or loyalty, they'll be falling all over themselves to turn their friends in.
And, one two three, before you can say "Sentinel Magnus," the Decepticons are nothing but an unpleasant memory. We put the leaders on trial, wipe the core programming of the rank and file and put them to productive use as... not Autobots, I dunno, Omnibots or something... and you've got peace and stability forever. Man, if I ever make Magnus, the universe is gonna be GREAT!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sentinel Shouting,
Can you detail to us more about the composition of Technorganic Transformers like Sari or the reformatted Maximals? How much does their organic nature influence their systems and whatsuch? Can they produce hormones or reproduce?
.
.
A: Techno... organic? EEEEEWWWW!
October 9, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sentinel Shouting,
Can you tell us more about your time as a Matrix bearer?
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.
A: What's a Matrix? Do you mean the AllSpark? Yup, I've got big plans. I figure once I'm in charge, I'll cut back on all the Commonwealth funding for useless things like "The Arts" and "Social Safety Nets" and "Scientific Research" and double the size of our space fleet. Then we can find the AllSpark, use it to make a whole army of Omega Sentinels, hunt down all the Decepticons in the galaxy and enjoy the new golden our people were meant to have.
Q: Dear Sentinel Shouting,
Did you know Rook left out a tiny but important detail about who you are writing to. You sir are writing to alot of organics.
.
.
A: ORGANICS! Gaaaahhhh!
I've got to defragment my harddrive, run a complete antivirus check, oh, please, AllSpark, please let my firewalls be up to date.
I'm going to need so much cyber-sol to get the smell out. ROOK! THIS IS BREACH OF CONTRACT! I'LL... I'LL SUE! <shudder> Organics. Guuh.
AND WHY AM I STILL TALKING TO ***YOU***???
<static>
https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=1506333736347435&id=1419639905016819
- Axiom Nexus News Editor
- ED: Andromeda, can you come in here a nano-klik?
- Andromeda: Sure thing, chief. What can I do you for?
- ED: It's about the new advice columnist--
- Andromeda: Isn't that more Rook's thing?
- ED: Rook's just not getting it. Besides, he's been so stressed about clusters going dark--Malgus just dropped off our scopes--
- Andromeda: I thought it was Viron?
- ED: That was four solar cycles ago. Malgus was last night. He was in such a state that I sent him to a party to unwind.
- Andromeda: The Primax 1015.06 Kappa discovery party? It was Rook that got my tickets?
- ED: Er... in any event, about the columnist. He just walked out. We'll need to find a replacement. Probably for the best, he was far too... abrasive.
- Andromeda: Well, didn't you ask for earnest?
- ED: Yeeeeessss... but maybe not quite THAT earnest. He was costing us ratings with the youths.
- Andromeda: We're a news network, Chief. How many younglings watch the news?
- ED: 12% fewer than last decacycle, that's how many. He was getting on everyone's nerves. Your job is to find someone popular. With the kids, you know.
- Andromeda: I think I know JUST the bot!
Bee's Backtalk
October 9, 2015
https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/731533190311987/
Audio: Kzzz-*trumpet noises*-kzzz-Welcome-kzzz-to-kzz-Bee's-Backtalk!-kzzz-Let's go, go, go!-kzzzz
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Bee's Backtalk,
Can you identify the four assistants who accompanied Dr. Hoffman on her adventure that led to the discovery of zombie Starscream?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/731533943645245/
Audio: kzz-Who you gonna call?-kzzz
Q: This has made the internet officially awesome. So Bumblebee, can you tell us what may have happened to Sam Witwicky? You miss hanging out with him?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/734458776686095/
Audio: *Sigh*-kzzzz-I, uhhh-kzzzz-I don't want to talk about it.-kzzz
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Bee's Backtalk,
Bees?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/731534226978550/
Audio: kzzz-*chuckle* That's my name.-kzzzz-Don't wear it out!-kzzz
October 10, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Bee's Backtalk,
For once and for all, what is the secret behind Sari Sumdac? Don't dodge the question, tell us what her origin is.
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/731534663645173/
Audio: kzzz-The, uh....stuff that dreams are made of.-kzzz
Q: Dear Bee's Backtalk,
Do you feel any kind of rivalry with Cheetor as the yellow, kid appeal bot?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/735503379914968/
Audio: kzzz-Say waaaa?-kzzz-I love kids and kids love me-kzzz-You're gonna need all nine lives after this beat-down, pussycat! *meow*-kzzz
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Bee's Backtalk,
In Primax 984.0 Gamma, they tried to defeat Unicron without the Matrix by standing united against him. Ultimately the Matrix saved him but if it hadn't returned, might they have won?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/734477406684232/
Audio: *gasp*kzzz-Game over, man, game over!-kzz-It's the end of the world as we know it-kzzz-You're gonna need a bigger boat.-kzzz
Q: This is my new favorite thing on the interwebs. Bumblebee, do you like being seen as a favorite for children alone, or do you feel it limits you?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/735504176581555/
Audio: Hmmkzzz-See they say that I'm a role model-kzz-But I go tit for tat with/Anybody who's talking this sh-kzzz Uhoh! kzz--I know I'm not supposed to say those things on television. I can't say those words, and I apologize. I am sorry, I am sorry!-kzzz
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Bee's Backtalk,
You often speak of finding humans admirable, but do you ever find us frustrating? For example, when the humans exiled the Autobots in the Generation 1 cartoon, or in Dark of the Moon. Or when the humans turned on the Autobots and hunted them down, like I.I.I. or Cemetery Wind. When things like that happen, how does it make you feel?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/735006723297967/
Audio: kzzz-D'oh!-kzzz-You know you make me wanna (shout)/kick my hands up and-kzz-If he weren't here I swear, pow, right in the kisser!-kzz
October 11, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Bee's Backtalk,
As the guardian of space and time, it seems like you often have to watch when you'd rather be intervening. Is that hard on you?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/732366950228611/
Audio: wookzzz-Nobody puts baby in a corner.-kzzz
Q: Dear Bee's Backtalk,
Is it true that Stinger is more advanced than you? That's what KSI claims.
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/734458616686111/
Audio: whakzzz-Son of a-kzzz-why you bringin' up old sh-kzzz-what a piece of junk!-kzzz-stock car flaming with the cruise control-kzzz*sigh*kzzz-I'm sorry.-kzzz-It's just-kzzz-I don't like him!-kzzz
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Bee's Backtalk,
Why are Autobots throughout the multiverse always making friends with young humans? You yourself hang out with Lori, Bud, & Cody.
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/734459576686015/
Audio: oookzz-And I would have gotten away with it!-kzz-if it hadn't been for those meddling kids!-kzzzz
Q: Dear Bee's Backtalk,
What're your favorite cartoons?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/735698489895457/
Audio: hehehekzzz-Ah, boy, here we go!-kzzz-Yooo Joe!-kzzz-Yabba-dabba-do!-kzzz-You eeediot!-kzzz-I'll take the case!-kzzz-Bite my shiny metal a-kzzz-Form Blazing Sword!-kzzz-Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!-kzzz
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Bee's Backtalk,
Do you think humanity could stand against the Decepticons on their own without the help of the Autobots?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/734460176685955/
Audio: kzzz-Might as well be walking on the sun-kzzz
October 12, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Bee's Backtalk,
Aside from the Autobots we know of that were on Earth (Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Crosshairs, Brains, Drift, and Hound), were there any other survivors?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/736421546489818/
Audio: kzzz-We're all searching for 'em-kzzz-I'm just looking for clues!-kzz-I'll let you know if I find anything.
Q: Dear Bee's Backtalk,
What you think about Linkin Park rock band?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/735844796547493/
Audio: -kzzz-I love them!-kzzz-Those guys are ballers, yo!-kzzzz
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Bee's Backtalk,
Is it tough to be an Autobot? Do you sometimes just want to strike out on your own?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/734459246686048/
Audio: kzzz-Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.-kzzz
Q: Dear Bee's Backtalk,
A lot of Autobot leaders, including your counterpart in Primax 1005.19 Gamma and even your own Optimus Prime, sacrifice themselves to save the day. If they ever make you leader, would you be worried about that?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/735007193297920/
Audio: kzzz-Well, this is another nice mess you've gotten me into.-kzzz
Q: Dear Bee's Backtalk,
Can you tell me about Cybertronian music genre - Shock Pop?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/737007956431177/
Audio: kzzz-You can't see it/It's electric!/You gotta feel it/It's electric-kzzzhehehehe
October 13, 2015
Q: Dear Bee's Backtalk,
Didn't it disturbed you that a human couple made out on top of you while your fellow Autobots watched in the background?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/737266193072020/
Audio: kzzz-I...was uncomfortable-kzzz-And I said I was okay, but I wasn't actually. It was kinda weird-kzzzsighkzzz-Yeah, let's talk about something else-kzzz.
Q: Dear Bee's Backtalk,
Why hasn't Ratchet or anyone in Axiom Nexus fixed your vocal processor yet? Be honest, do you like talking through your radio?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/737263903072249/
Audio: kzzz-It's my thing!-kzzz
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Bee's Backtalk,
Why is there a tendency for things in the Tyran cluster to frequently explode, sometimes for seemingly no reason at all?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/735296049935701/
Audio: kzzz-Oh, that's easy-kzz-And the answer is-kzzz *Explosion* kzzz-Son of a-kzz *mechanical shrieks and clicks*
Hound: Bumblebee, 12'o'clock! *static*
Aston: Bad news, sir. I'm afraid we've lost communications with Bumblebee.
Rook: Scrap! His ratings were actually good. Hn, the boss is gonna have my head for this one.
Andromeda: Well, Rook, he was from the Tyran stream. This was bound to happen sooner or later, right?
Rook: *sigh* I suppose. Leave it to a Tyran to have timing like that! Well, let me know if he comes back, I'll go see to the chief. *transformation noises*
Renegade Rhetoric
October 13, 2015
Greetings, Multiverse! For those of you who don't know me, I am Cy-Kill, leader of the Renegades in exile. Some day soon I shall return to my home and defeat Leader-1 and the Guardians once and for all. For now, though, I shall regale you with tales of my grand adventures. I shall expound upon the tragically misunderstood Renegade cause, and perhaps move you to join my crusade as an ally. The time, at long last, has come, for Renegade Rhetoric!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Renegade Rhetoric,
Why is the transformation noise produced when a Transformer transforms? Y'know, TSCHE-CHU-CHU-CHE-TSCHE?
.
.
A: Inefficient engineering, my good man! We Renegades have a much quieter and more dignified conversion process, as befitting our superior technology. Why, my best spy Snoop is so quiet she can convert from one mode to another while standing right behind an accursed Guardian without him ever being any the wiser.
- Q: Can't deny it's an awesome and heroic sound, though.
- Renegade Rhetoric There's something pathetic about looking to inferior designs of the past and harping on the nostalgia of the outdated.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
If you conquer Earth, do you promise to put ALL our brains into Go-Bot bodies?
.
.
A: All of you? What in the name of the Evil One would I do with seven billion new GoBots? Such an honor would be reserved only for the most loyal, dedicated, and talented humans.
- Q: So is there a Renegade equivalent to the S.T.A.R.S program I should join, or what?
- Q: Yeah, I want a GoBody too! Where do we sign up?
- Renegade Rhetoric I thank you for volunteering, and shall dispatch one of my agents forthwith to see how you can best be of service.
October 14, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Renegade Rhetorice,
Can you shed some light on the world the original machine wars took place in?
.
.
A: The original machine wars? You must mean the civil war between the noble Renegades and their heartless oppressors, the Guardians. It took place on Gobotron, of course.
Our ancient leader, the Master Renegade, sought to overthrow the Guardians' unjust reign, and the resulting conflict shattered our world. Rather than concede an honorable defeat, the Guardians arranged a massive asteroid collision with our hapless, vulnerable homeworld, trusting in an unholy system devised by their fiendish Last Engineer to save them. They transferred their nervous systems into new robot bodies, and we Renegades had little choice but to follow suit.
The Last Engineer, rather than face a Renegade trial for his war crimes, went into hiding, and the Master Renegade sequestered himself away on Antares III, awaiting the day he could confront his ancient adversary. In their absence, the conflict continued to rage, with noble Renegades standing up to Guardian exploitation wherever we could. I myself was originally a Guardian, one of three High Protectors, until a Renegade named Zero showed me mercy during a battle on Parthus. I started to question what I had been taught, and soon my eyes were opened to the truth. I renounced my oppressive ways and sought a more just path for Gobotron.
- Q: Who were the other High Protectors?
- Renegade Rhetoric The lesser lights who shared that title with me were Leader-1 and Zeemon. Leader-1 I can almost understand; his talents as a warrior are very nearly equal to my own. Zeemon, however, is more politician than warrior. Why, he couldn't even be bothered to repair his transformation circuits after they were damaged.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
All Hail Cy-Kill!!!
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A: Yes, that's the spirit! I forsee a bright future for you, "Eich Verniz".
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Renegade Rhetoric,
Are there any Earth vehicles or animals you know of that no Transformer has ever taken as an alternate mode?
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A: Personally, I find "Transformer" alternate modes quite limited. Though there seem to be thousand of them running around, they're all quite boring and conventional. Oh, hum, another tank, another jet, oh, a RACE CAR.
Now, my Renegades, we had some interesting configurations, and there were only about forty of us. Oh, of course, we have our share of tanks and jets and race cars, I won't deny that. Be we also have a Rolls-Royce Phantom VI limousine named Stretch. Handsomest Renegade you ever wanted to meet. We have a garbage truck, named Fly Trap. We have forklifts and steam rollers, Spoons and Steamer. A Cessna sea plane named Water Walk, a tandem rotor Boeing CH-46 Sea Knight named Twin Spin. It's quite impressive.
And what is the Cybertronian obsession with new, modern Earth vehicle modes? We're not using human engines, so there's no reason the shell casing need look modern. We GoBots have style. Look how many of us took modes from your second World War. There's the traitor Zero, the Mitsubishi A6M Zero-sen. The accursed Guardians have several as well. Bolt, the Lockheed P-38 Lightning fighter; Ace, the P-51 Mustang; Man-O-War, the Iowa-class battleship.
Yes, give me a good GoBot vehicle any day of the week. Perhaps when I've finished conquering my reality I can return here and show these Cybertronians what-for!
Q: Dear Cy-Kill,
What are your thoughts on the Autobots in general? Do you think they are better warriors than the Guardians?
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A: Neither Autobots nor Decepticons can hold a candle to a properly designed and manufactured GoBot. Why, my understanding is the vast majority of Autobots cannot even fly. What kind of threat do such beings pose to the likes of me and mine?
- Q: GoBots. Superior design, and lower cost.
- Renegade Rhetoric Precisely. Good to see that common sense isn't dead.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Renegade Rhetoric,
Do you believe Time is eternal? Or will there ever be an end to Time?
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A: I believe that the time of the Guardians is severely limited. Tick-tock, Leader-1, your luck won't hold forever.
But now, it is time for this charade to come to an end. No longer shall I be pawing through Vec-Tor's queue like a mendicant searching for scraps. In the future I shall only be answering questions worthy of one such as myself. If my so-called editor has a problem with it, he's welcome to become better acquainted with my blaster.
October 15, 2015
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Seriously, what's with the five o'clock shadow?
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A: It's called style. Perhaps one day you'll have some of your own.
Q: Dear Cy-Kill,
Do you still have the George Washington costume?
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A: Of course. One never abandons an asset that may be of use.
- Q: More importantly, does Crasher have her Martha Washington costume?
- Renegade Rhetoric Fear not, we are well equipped for any Revolutionary War-based schemes, should the opportunity present itself.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
How does your kind obtain earth alternate forms?
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A: We use a device known as the Modifier that installs transforming circuits into our bodies. Some modifiers are set for Earth modes, others for GoBeing designs. Additionally, we Renegades have a special modifier capable of producing more, shall we say, monstrous designs! Mwah ha ha ha ha!
- Q: Who are some of your more monstrous troops?
- Renegade Rhetoric I have some of the most gruesome and hideous creatures to ever scuttle forth from the nightmarish depths of the universe. Vamp and Scorp are beasts designed by the Master Renegade himself. In my brilliance, I created Pincher as an ambassador to these macabre mechanoids, and dispatched him to Antares III, where he secured their loyalty.
- Early on in the war, three other Monster GoBots were amongst the troops: Bugsie, Klaws, and Hornet. They went AWOL shortly after I assumed leadership, presumably to track down their creator. After he resurfaced, they came out of hiding and I welcomed them back into the fold.
- Eventually another Monster GoBot crawled forth from Antares III: Creepy. He defied me to serve the Master Renegade, not realizing that the man was by now but a feeble shadow of the great man he once was. And then there is Bladez, to my knowledge the Master Rengade's final creation. Bladez was built after his creator had gone into hiding from Guardian and Renegade alike. Together with Creepy, he served as his maker's bodyguard and agent provocateur. I am determined to bring both Creepy and Bladez into my service, for the ancient and senile Master Renegade is unworthy of their ghastly service.
- Q: Could you tell me about some of the Renegades under your command with GoBeing vehicle alternate modes?
- Renegade Rhetoric That would be marvelous! Why, my ever-loyal second-in-command, Fitor, transforms into a GoBeing space fighter. Few Guardians can last long in the air against him. Where other, less secure despots might be anxious in the face of such a prolonged absence, I have full confidence in Fitor's ability to lead the Renegades until my glorious return.
- Several others among my troops opted for traditional GoBeing designs, rather than Earth-based vehicles. Tank, and I'm certain you'll find this hard to fathom, is a GoBeing tank, specifically a Pulverizer Mark VII model. Though perhaps a bit slow, his armor is nigh-impenetrable and his firepower second to none. Psycho is a Psychoroid car; quite fast, though his technical skills mean I mostly employ him to operate complicated systems rather than sending him zipping about willy-nilly. Finally, Screw Head becomes a drill-tank, very useful for making unexpected entries into UNECOM facilities.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Are there any unrefined and crude Transformers technologies that you would like to integrate into your forces after they've been refined and improved by superior GoBot science?
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A: Most perceptive, human. There are indeed several pieces of technology that I believe can be of use, especially once Dr. Go has a chance to look them over. I find the concept of Sparks most fascinating, and have Clutch planning a raid on Shockwave's laboratory to acquire his research into the subject. Already I've got a small collection of laser cores, some with sparks intact, some... less so.
Just as we GoBots are not robots, but a fusion of the organic and mechanical, so too do Cybertronians seem to be hybrid beings. In their cases, a fusion of the mechanical and the energy. I haven't yet decided if the bodies of Cybertronians are imprisoning energy creatures, or if the energy creatures are utilizing these bodies to interact on the material plane. A fascinating subject. I expect my research into "astramechs" will yield heretofore unexpected insight into the underlying substrata of reality.
I also purchased a Warp Star from Swindle, Swindle & Swindle--ridiculous name--and fully expect that it will serve Renegade ambitions well. Not Cybertronian in origin, Verronian, but quite intriguing. Highly illegal, of course, but then those mechs don't seem to be much for scruples.
- Q: Perhaps the unusual spark of a Cybertronian named Cryotek could present you with some useful data.
- Renegade Rhetoric I shall take that under advisement, future Renegade.
Q: Dear Uncle Cy,
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Gunnyr was the leader of a group of forgotten Renegades who controlled an area deep inside the planet GoBotron. Once these Renegades were discovered did they take their rightful places as your troops? Where did Gunnyr and his GoBots fit into your command structure?
A: After Gunnyr got himself imprisoned by two of the hapless Guardians he had subjugated, Dart and Ace, I immediately saw the potential of the situation. He was loath to relinquish his position as Lord High GoBot of Level 17, but it didn't take him long to see that service to my glorious cause was preferable to rotting on the Prison Moon of Gobotron. Fortunately for him, the treason of Zero left me in need a new deputy sub-commander, and his leadership experience made him an excellent candidate. Besides, ambitious underlings do tend to keep one on one's toes. Bug Bite, his subordinate, was used to following orders and had an easier time adjusting to his new position.
- Q: What is the story of Zero's treason?
- Renegade Rhetoric Oh, not much of a tale. He was jealous of my authority and took advantage of a minor, temporary setback to lure a few Renegades to his side. He then had the temerity to take Crasher, one of my most loyal lieutenants, hostage. He used her as bait to lure me to Dendron Beta, which he had booby-trapped in a vain attempt to destroy me. He didn't count on my superior cunning; I was able to rescue Crasher and reassert my authority over his disillusioned followers, sending him into hiding.
- Q: You are a rather effective leader, Cy-Kill.
- Renegade Rhetoric Yes, I am, aren't I.
- Q: Which Renegades were foolish enough to abandon your glorious cause?
- Renegade Rhetoric That would be Twin Spin and Geeper-Creeper, initially, later joined by Stretch and Bad Boy. All were appropriately reprimanded, especially Bad Boy for his ambush of Crasher.
- Q: Ever thought about treating your men as allies and friends and not slaves
- Renegade Rhetoric Don't be naive. The Renegades are hardly slaves, but free mechs who cannot tolerate the mealy-mouthed platitudes of the Guardian Council. But just as they are not slaves, neither are they "friends and allies" to me. They are my soldiers, my wards, my responsibility! They look to me for leadership, not companionship. One does not fraternize with the soldiers under one's command. Such behavior breeds an untoward familiarity. My troopers look up to me, as is the natural order of things. There are exceptions, of course, officers I feel close to, but a good leader must maintain a certain level of distance.
- Q: has bug bite every plotted treason against your glorious reign?
- Renegade Rhetoric While I suspect he has hidden ambitions, he has always had the good sense to toe the line.
October 16, 2015
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
While you are certainly one of the greatest minds in GoBotronian history , stories of your vast physical powers have become the thing of legend: Smoke screens, eye beams, mind control, incredible strength, etc. How did you become such a powerful entity? Were you created with all those remarkable abilities, or did you spend time improving yourself?
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A: Some of those I invented myself. I *AM*, after all, one of the greatest minds in GoBot history. Some were developed by the loyal Renegades under my command, such as Doctor Go. Some were developed by Renegade allies, like Doctor Braxis. And still others were stolen from pathetic Guardians like Professor Von Joy. One cannot aspire to rule without a certain amount of intellectual and moral flexibility, after all.
- Q: Why don't you have a flight-capable alt-mode?
- Renegade Rhetoric Why would I need to? I have exemplary flight capabilities in my humanoid configuration.
- Q: Have you acquired mass-shifting?
- Renegade Rhetoric Old hat. I convert from a motorcycle to an eighteen foot tall GoBot; that's difficult to do without mass-shifting, now, isn't it?
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Why do you call _yourselves_ Renegades when you want to impose a new official government?
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A: Because we, unlike some, have a firm grasp of reality. We are, indeed, the Renegades, but this does nothing to detract from our legitimacy. When we take our rightful place, then and only then shall we change our bold banner. Until then, I proudly call myself Renegade.
After all, it's not as if I call my faction "Untrustworthy-cons" or some such rubbish.
- Q: What'll you change it to once you win?
- Renegade Rhetoric Perhaps The GoBot Liberation Army or somesuch.
- Q: You should call yourselves "Destructicons". That's an awesome name!
- Renegade Rhetoric Don't be absurd. We Renegades aren't about destruction for destruction's sake. We seek to rebuild Gobotron, make it strong once again.
- Q: But haven't your Renegades destroyed a lot of stuff?
- Renegade Rhetoric Of course, as have the Guardians. In war, some amount of collateral damage is inevitable.
- Q: What about "Terrorcons"?
- Renegade Rhetoric You're clearly not getting it.
- Q: How about "Protectobots"?
- Renegade Rhetoric Go away.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Since coming to Axiom Nexus, have you managed to convert any of the residents to your Renegade cause? If so which ones?
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A: Not to brag, but in my time here I've assembled quite the team from among the so-called "Offworlders." My first recruits were a trio of Mini-Cons, tired of their status as second-class citizens: Pow Wow, the camper; Breez, the twin-blade helicopter; and Odd Ball, whom I've modified into a bestial Gobotic ship. They used to be the Instigation Mini-Con Team; now they are full-fledged Renegades.
After them, I aggressively recruited among the dissatisfied and leaderless Decepticon rabble. Many were interested, but few met my exacting standards. I have assembled quite the command team: Clutch the Chevrolet pickup truck, and Warpath the AH-64 Apache gunship. They have both seen the glory of my cause and have pledged their loyalty to me and me alone.
But even their might pales in comparison to the six Predacons I have swayed to my side. The team leader, Fright Face, was something of a known gang leader in the Heap. He and his band attempted to waylay me as I went about my illicit activity there; a costly mistake! With only Warpath by my side, I managed evade South Claw's freeze ray, obstruct Gore Jaw's gruesome mandibles with some debris, and dodge Heart Attack's cycloptic infarction beam long enough to discover his weak point. Warpath, meanwhile, took to the air and defeated Weird Wing in dogfight, before blasting the cowardly Fangs in his hiding space. Warpath, ever bellicose, wanted to destroy Fright Face and his minions but I sensed an opportunity. I challenged him to single combat, with the loser to declare him and his subordinates to the victor. He put up a decent fight... for a Cybertronian. In the end, of course, I was victorious.
To his credit, Fright Face has thrown himself into the Renegade cause without hesitation. So do I trust him that I used the Puzzler upgrade on his band, enabling them to become the mighty Monsterous. One never knows, after all, when heavy firepower will be advantageous, though of course one with my refinement prefers more subtle means.
Not bad, eh? To arrive here alone, with nothing, and already have twelve such loyal troopers ready to obey my orders without hesitation. I would like to see this "Megatron" I keep hearing about achieve this in a few short months.
- Q: *applauds* Kudos, mighty Cy-Kill! You are quite the charismatic leader!
- Renegade Rhetoric I am, aren't I?
- Q: Do you know where Pow Wow, Breez, and Odd Ball come from?
- Renegade Rhetoric Oh, who can say? Aurex something something I think. Cybertronians make things so needlessly complicated.
- Q: I bet your new recruits would get along fantastically with your troops back in your home reality.
- Renegade Rhetoric Perhaps too well. I must be on my guard that I do not create a Monster GoBot block beyond my control. Vamp and Scorp are sly ones, and their influence on Pincher has been not entirely to my liking. And, though the Monsterous team hasn't given me any specific reason to worry, I will admit to a certain trepidation. Under his fearsome visage, Fright Face has a cold, calculating brilliance. Fangs, though cowardly, is able to bypass nearly any security system. And Weird Wing claims a limited precognition, the ability to sense the death of his victims. It would certainly behoove me to tread lightly where these new recruits are concerned.
- Warpath, I think, will get along fabulously with Blades. Not only will Warpath's alt mode synergize with Blades' Mil Mi-24 'Hind' gunship configuration, but Warpath's laconic bellicosity should compliment Blades' stoic fatalism. Hmmm... when I eventually succeed in recruiting Bladez, that could become confusing. Me thinks one of them will need a new moniker.
- Clutch I'm still not sure about. I find him to be obsessive, which can be beneficial or harmful depending on how he's handled. Perhaps BuggyMan... he's rather competent, and his dune buggy vehicular mode is not incompatible with Clutch's truck mode.
- As for my new trio, that remains to be seen. Odd Ball I find quite unpredictable. Perhaps someone slow and dependable would make a good partner, someone like Block Head. Pow Wow is utterly fearless; perhaps I could use him for undercover work. Snoop has some experience in that arena. Some time I should tell you about her stint impersonating a Guardian. Breez has anger management issues, issues I'm more than happy to exploit. He'd get on well with Stallion, or perhaps Bad Boy.
- Q: Have you met any other wayward Renegades from other realities who are also stranded in Nexus 208.0 Epsilon?
- Renegade Rhetoric Funny you should ask...
- Q: Could you tell us more about the Puzzler upgrade?
- Renegade Rhetoric It would be my great pleasure! The Guardians' use of Power Suits to form Courageous was becoming irksome, so I sought to neutralize their combiner advantage. I commandeered local Earth cars, modifying them to convert as GoBots do but also to combine into one enormous form. They comported themselves well in battle, but were helpless once the control mechanism shorted. That was why I had the brilliant notion of using living machines as my next combiner.
- Q: Which cars did you modify to create Puzzler?
- Renegade Rhetoric I do rather enjoy Earth manufacturing. Probably a hold-over from my days as a decadent, high-society Guardian. Earth modes were quite the status symbol when Stretch first started licensing them.
- Tic Tac was a red Chevrolet Corvette. Jig Saw was a Toyota Celica XX law enforcement vehicle. Pocket was a yellow Lamborghini Countach. Crossword was an orange Porsche 930T. Zig Zag was a blue Nissan 300ZX. And Rube was a black Mercedes 300SL. You see? When I build a combiner, I build it with style.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Who would win in a fight? Zod or Trypticon?
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A: My Zod could defeat that tin-plated tinker-toy any day of the week
- Q: KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!
- Renegade Rhetoric Yes, that would be appropriate.
- Q: Cy-Kill, can you tell us more about Zod and what he is capable of?
- Renegade Rhetoric The original Zod is nigh-invulnerable and barely controllable, even by me. My genius unlocked the secret of his construction, enabling me to create new Zods. Though not quite as potent as the original, they are certainly more than a match for any Guardian.
- Q: What have you accomplished with Zod?
- Renegade Rhetoric I once constructed an enormous fleet of Zods and would have liberated Gobotron and then brought peace to the entire galaxy, but for Guardian treachery.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Can you impersonate Leader-1?
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A: I really shouldn't, it's far beneath my dignity, but I'm feeling indulgent.
Ahem.
"Oooooh, I'm Leader-1. I'm a goody two-shoes who doesn't know when to keep my ugly yellow domino mask out of Renegade business. Doop doop doop. Scooter, make a hologram. Matt, ride inside my chest. Doop doop doop."
- Q: Cy-Kill, you rule!
- Renegade Rhetoric Correct.
- Q: ABSOLUTE SAVAGE
- Renegade Rhetoric No, he really talks like that. It's ludicrous. I cannot fathom how Turbo or Small Foot take him seriously.
- Q: You certainly know how to keep up troop morale Lord Cy-Kill.
- Renegade Rhetoric One of my many talents.
- Q: What's your take on Zeemon?
- Renegade Rhetoric Hardly worthy of my time. A GoBot who can't convert isn't much of a GoBot. I can't understand why he is so respected a statesman. It speaks ill of Guardian values.
- Q: and suddenly you made a enemy of the monoformer community.
- Renegade Rhetoric Oh, no! However will I stand against Triple-M and their many Inaction Masters?
- Q: Is this Matt a human?
- Renegade Rhetoric Indeed. Matt Hunter is a loathsome insect who works for UNECOM. He is an obsequious lickspittle, never far from Leader-1.
- Q: What happened to him and his friends Nick and A.J. after the battles we are aware of?
- Renegade Rhetoric I couldn't care less about those pathetic worms.
- Q: Dear Cy-Kill,
- Please stay. I'll willingly join the Renegade cause if it means hearing your glorious wisdom more.
- Renegade Rhetoric Places to go, worlds to conquer.
October 17, 2015
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Can you honor us with tales of your glorious adventures from after you left the miserable rocky planet Quartex?
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A: Damnation and good riddance to Quartex.
In the years since that woe-begotten misadventure, my Renegades have been busy. There was the time we discovered an ancient temple high in the Himalayan mountains. A careful search yielded a capsule with a cyber-mimetic virus. It nearly forced the Guardians to their knees, but Rest-Q was able to develop a cure at the last moment, thwarting my plans.
Next we encountered an advanced society devoted entirely to automotive racing. I hatched a scheme to assume control by winning the Alienapolis Five Million. I entered my fastest warriors, quite confident of victory. Unfortunately, Leader-1 somehow discovered my plan and entered racers of his own. Rather than risk losing, our forces tried to cheat, but we were discovered by Scooter and Nick and disqualified from the race.
It wasn't long after that Sky-Jack intercepted secret transmissions between UNECOM and Leader-1's Command Center detailing a new invention designed to boost intelligence. I sought to appropriate it for myself, but it accidentally was used on Cop-Tur. His brief stint as a super-genius was taxing to us all; I suspect even he was relieved when he returned to normal.
Some time later, I developed a mutated form of fast-growing plant I called Go-Vines. I used them to cover all of the Earth's important monuments, in an attempt to force UNECOM to surrender. This surely would have worked, had not Small Foot and Sparky snuck aboard one of my Thrusters and stolen the seeds. Not only did Professor Von Joy reverse engineer the virus and create a defoliant, but Turbo managed to use my own weapon against me and clog my Thruster's weapons, forcing me to retreat to hyperspace!
After that, I had one of my most brilliant ideas yet, trapping Leader-1 in an advanced computer simulation of a world where the war was over and the Guardians had won. I thought for certain he would divulge the location of the secret UNECOM technology stockpile, but somehow he saw through my ruse and fought his way to freedom.
There was the time when Leader-1 and I were battling on a seemingly abandoned rogue planet, hurtling aimlessly through the cosmos, only to catch the attention of a hyper-evolved intelligence who abducted myself and my team, pitting us against the Guardian team in a ritualized arena fight. I reluctantly agreed to Leader-1's plan to work together to escape the clutches of what turned out to be an ancient supercomputer, following the instructions of a race long-since deceased.
Crasher grew tired of Scooter's technical expertise foiling our operations, and set a trap to capture and interrogate him. Who could have foreseen that a lightning strike to our Thruster whilst he was having his mind probed by the Brainstormer would result in him switching consciousness with me. It was incredibly frustrating to be trapped in his body and having to elude my own forces, even as he nervously sputtered his way through interactions with my crew. I was nearly dispatched by Destroyer, one of my most loyal troopers!
There were, of course, many other incidents, but I have shared enough for the moment.
- Q: Facinating, which speedy Renegade and Guardian warriors were entered in the Alienapolis Five Million? Which warriors fought the alien arena?
- Renegade Rhetoric My team for the Alienapolis Five Million were three of the fastest GoBots you ever did see. My first choice was Spoiler, who converts into a Lamborghini Countach 500LPS, thinking his boundless enthusiasm would be an asset. Next I selected the wildly independent Stallion, a Fort Mustang. Naturally, I placed Crasher in command. Not only is she one of my most loyal and capable fighters, but her Porsce 959 configuration made her ideal for the mission. They should have been more than a match for the dimwitted Guardians Sparky, Street Heat, and Turbo, but I took no chances and had Cop-Tur lay a series of booby traps for the Guardians. Street Heat was knocked out of the race, but the accursed Scooter discovered our malfeasance and tattled to the officiants. Crasher refused to yield, even after being disqualified, but Turbo edged her out to the finish line anyway. Can you believe he declined leadership of their society, instead telling them to "go your own way" and then leaving? Preposterous!
- As for the Arena of Strife, they snatched Crasher, Slicks, Destroyer, and myself, leaving only Cop-Tur to man our Thruster. We faced off against Leader-1, Scooter, Van Guard, and Defendor. I assume Turbo was left behind as well, for the Guardian Command Center continued to harass Cop-Tur and eventually forced him to engage the Stealth Device and go into hiding. I felt quite conflicted about the one-on-one encounters they forced us to participate in. On the one hand, it was a chance to annihilate a Guardian without them having access to their usual trick. On the other, Cy-Kill is nobody's puppet. In the end, I had no choice but to go along with Leader-1's plan to pursue the unusual energy reading Scooter had detected. It was quite satisfying to watch Crasher's seismic stomp blow the Guerr-O-Vac to smithereens.
- Q: What are Sparky, Street Heat, and Turbo's alt-modes?
- Renegade Rhetoric Turbo is a Gobotic car, one of the only Guardians not to have an Earth mode. Street Heat is, I believe, a customised Camaro Z28. Sparky I know well, for she was one of my guards during my brief stint on the prison moon of Gobotron. She is a Pontiac Fiero, quite a nice car if I'm inclined towards fairness.
- Q: Can you tell us more about your subordinates Slicks and Destroyer?
- Renegade Rhetoric I would be pleased to! Slicks is a Renault RE30 F1 car, and one of my fastest warriors. Had he been available to me during the Alienapolis Five Million, I surely would have used him, but he was back at Rogue Star. He's a bit of an opportunist. In fact, the first time I met one of the Swindles he reminded me a bit of Slicks. He faced off against Van Guard in the Arena, and I'm happy to say he won his conflict through speed and cunning.
- Destroyer is a mighty Leopard 2A4 tank. Perhaps not my most imaginative warrior, he at least knows how to follow orders, and his dogged persistence puts him in good stead. He's also fearless around Zods. His battle against Defendor, a Saladin Mk. II, looked to be a near thing despite Destroyer's superior firepower, but he too managed to win in the end.
- Q: Can you tell us anything more about those annoying Guardians Scooter and Nick? Are they viable threats to the Renegade cause?
- Renegade Rhetoric Scooter is a wretched little thing, unarmed but equipped with quite an array of sensors and tools. As for Nick Burns, another UNECOM cur, unworthy of discussion.
- Q: Do the Renegades have a medic counterpart to Rest-Q?
- Renegade Rhetoric Dr. Go gets the job done. And at least he isn't an ambulance. What a cliche! I notice that the Guardians aren't the only ones who seem to lack the imagination to realize that a medical cyborg need not convert to an ambulance in order to be an effective surgeon. Go's Porsche 928S alt mode indicates a certain level of panache.
- Q: Did Cop-Tur pull any particularly exasperating stunts while he was a super genius?
- Renegade Rhetoric The problem with Cop-Tur the genius was, fundamentally, he was still Cop-Tur. One expects a certain amount of bumbling in a brute like him, and one compensates for it. But when a brilliant spatio-temporal physicist slips and accidentally pulls the activation switch while still inside my own Thruster and turns on the Reality Destablizer he created, that is another matter entirely. I wonder if the Gluon/Boson Inverter he a slipped and shot me with has anything to do with my current predicament here in Axiom Nexus.
- Q: Can you give us any further data about Small Foot and Sparky?
- Renegade Rhetoric And exactly why would I be inclined to do that?
- Q: What is your loyal lieutenant Crasher like?
- Renegade Rhetoric Quite enthusiastic. She loves to hunt down the Guardians and takes great joy in their extirpation.
- Q: She sounds like a magnificent GoBeing.
- Renegade Rhetoric She is! Though I think she's developed a bit of an unhealthy obsession with Turbo.
- Q: Cy-Kill are you aware that the core of Gobotron is in fact cybertronian in origin?
- Renegade Rhetoric That is entirely a matter of perspective. I would say the core of Cybertron is Gobotic in nature.
- Q: I'm surprised a Renegade as illustrious as yourself was ever in a Guardian prison. How did they manage to defeat one such as you, and how did you escape to be with us today?
- Renegade Rhetoric Following the destruction of my Zod fleet, my forces were in tatters with the bulk of my operatives imprisoned. And yet, my few remaining troops had managed to get the Rogue Star operational. I had the materiel, but I needed the men. I allowed myself to be discovered and captured by a squad of Guardians. Once inside, I managed to break free with the help of Fitor, easily disabling the pathetic guards assigned to us. In the aftermath that ensued, we severely injured Turbo which caused Leader-1 and his Command Center crew to abandon the prison moon to attend to his medical needs. Fitor and I were able to free all the Renegades and get the Rogue Star and my fleet of Thrusters back into the game.
- Q: Which Guardians captured you? Who were the guards you managed to disable so easily?
- Renegade Rhetoric There was a pair of Command Centers on patrol near Galleon that fit the bill nicely. Command Center 14 was crewed by Mach-3, Dozer, and Dive-Dive. Command Center 6 was crewed by Dumper, Pumper, and Bullseye. To make it look good, I destroyed Command Center 14 and severely damaged Mach-3 when he had the temerity to engage my ship in a dogfight. I then allowed my Thruster to be disabled and boarded. Confronted with five Guardians, I knew I could surrender without raising their suspicion. Of course, when the Thruster self-destructed, Dozer and Dumper both took further damage, but by that point I was restrained and felt no need to keep up the ruse. Of course, the very notion that a mere six Guardians could best me in combat is absurdity itself.
- If I correctly recall, it was Flip Top, Hans-Cuff, and Blaster who vainly attempted to stand between me and freedom. Instead, we took their powerpacks to reenergize our own weapon systems, then made our way to a small craft I had had the foresight to stash on this barren satellite.
- Q: Oh, and do you have any other particularly fast warriors that would have been good in the Alienapolis Five Million?
- Renegade Rhetoric Hmmm... had he been available, I suppose Stinger would have been a good candidate. He becomes a Chevy Stingray, naturally. He's rather brutish for one so fast, but then that raw power translates rather well to the battlefield. I often pair him with Stallion; their good-natured rivalry ensures they always perform at peak efficiency.
- Ask Vector Prime
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Q: Dear Lord Cy-Kill,
How soon is your return? Our forces grow restless!
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A: Fear not. The plans I have in place ensure that I shall be among the first to return to my home reality, once the current dimensional difficulties are resolved.
- Q: Good luck with that! From what I understand, that's looking rather difficult at this point.
- Renegade Rhetoric Indeed, but I've made contact with a Renegade from another reality who may be able assist me. Mwah ha ha ha ha ha!
- Q: And who might that be?
- Renegade Rhetoric That would be telling, and my plans do not allow for that information to leak just yet.
- Q: Do you have any Renegades with you from your home reality?
- Renegade Rhetoric Sadly, no. But, in adversity there is opportunity! Had I arrived here with my usual entourage of Cop-Tur and Crasher, I might not have been inspired to seek out new recruits. Now the Renegades of Axiom Nexus number a dozen strong, and this forum has proved a boon for finding independent-minded revolutionaries amongst the humans.
- Q: We're ready to storm the UN on your command
- Renegade Rhetoric Take no action unless explicitly authorized by Fitor.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
The hand/fist blasters you use are neat, but do they act the same across all GoBots, or do they have different attributes depending on the individual, as with many Cybertronians' weapons?
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A: Our hand blasters are largely interchangable, though of course we also have unique abilities such as the seismic energy dischargers built into Crasher's feet.
- Q: Could you elaborate on some more of your specific weaponry?
- Renegade Rhetoric Oh, you know, the usual. Eye beams, mind control, corrosive gas, that sort of thing.
- Q: Miniature Stealth Device, Miniature Astro Beam, Shrink Ray, Homing Wheel Frizbees... It all pales in comparison to his greatest weapon, Cy-Kill's keen fashion sense and style.
- Renegade Rhetoric You're quite well-versed with some of the tools I've used over the years. Perhaps you have similar intelligence about the Guardians you'd care to share with me off-line?
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Are any of your comrades triple changers?
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A: Better! My Dread Launchers are capable of assuming two alternate modes at once.
- Q: Who were the Dread Launchers? What's their story?
- Renegade Rhetoric Three versatile warriors, Re-Volt, Chaos, and Traitor. Re-Volt, the leader, converts to a mechanical hawk and a launching crawler. The punctilious Chaos becomes a Grumman X-29 and launching truck. Traitor, ever mercurial, becomes a mechanical insect and launching platform.
- Their most notable assignment was infiltrating the Guardian Academy to kidnap Zeemon. Though they initially succeed, their mission was thwarted by their fellow cadets, the Secret Riders. Cop-Tur's blundering didn't help things either.
- Q: So who were the Secret Riders, and how did they stop the Dread Launchers?
- Renegade Rhetoric The Secret Riders were a group of Guardian cadets. When my men proved too capable, trouncing their scores in the various examination scenarios, their envy prompted them to look closely at the Dread Launchers. They were somehow able to deduce that Traitor, Re-Volt, and Chaos were disloyal revolutionaries out to sow discord.
- As to their identities, it was Tri-Trak who was their leader, as well as Tork and Twister. The fourth member is slipping my mind; perhaps Staks? No, he was a Guardian at least as far back as my first foray to Earth. Throttle, maybe? No matter. They're all filthy Guardians, one is much like another.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Are their any Cybertronians who you think may be able to take you on in a fight and have a slight chance of winning?
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A: Only a fool underestimates his opponents. There are many Cybertronians who possess the raw power necessary to best me, given the right set of circumstances. That is why a true Renegade is ever wary, and seizes every advantage.
- Q: Are there any other Cybertronians that you've faced that you've yet to mention to us?
- Renegade Rhetoric I've had many encounters, some of which were productive for all concerned, some of which left the other parties in, shall we say, sub-optimal condition. Mwah ha ha ha ha ha!
- Q: What if you were on your own, cut off from any subordinates?
- Renegade Rhetoric Then I would certainly be in greater jeopardy, and would be appropriately cautious.
- Q: Do you believe that you could the defeat the Dinobots combined into the Beast
- Renegade Rhetoric A mindless brute like that against my intellect? It would be a short contest.
- Q: Could you beat anyone?
- Renegade Rhetoric Given adequate resources, yes. With enough time, intelligence, men, and materiel, I'm confident I can take anything Cybertron can throw at me.
- Q: Which of your subordinates is best at following these principles?
- Renegade Rhetoric Fitor is probably the best mixture of competence, loyalty, ruthlessness, and ability. No one pulls the wool over his eyes.
- Q: Does "seize every advantage" mean cheating?
- Renegade Rhetoric Of course! Rules are for lesser minds, incapable of seeing the larger picture, and history is written by the winners.
October 18, 2015
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Do you know of a Bot named Vec-Tor? What might you be able to tell us about him?
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A: Vec-Tor is a filthy Guardian do-gooding dunce. As soon as my, ahem, Renegade ally informed me whom I was answering questions for, I immediately put a stop that that balderdash.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Can you tell us anything about Scales, Block Head, Fly Trap, or BuggyMan?
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A: Fly Trap is a capable trooper, useful because of how easy it is to underestimate him. No one pays any attention to a garbage truck. The worse he smells, the more invisible he is.
BuggyMan is a solid officer. He takes the initiative readily and is quick to assess the situation and make a judgment. He is often in command of a Thruster.
The name Block Head might put certain images into your head. You would be right. He's an exceedingly dull GoBot, as bereft of intelligence as he is of culture. On the other hand, he never questions orders and can take a blast better than most. His cement mixer configuration is occasionally useful for construction projects.
Scales is certainly the odd man out among the GoBots listed. He was an early product of my research into Zod duplication. A prototype, if you will. He's not as powerful as a Zod, but does possess the ability to convert to a F1 race car. This gives him a bit of speed and subterfuge that a fifty-foot-long metal dragon is simply incapable of. He's also SLIGHTLY more intelligent than a Zod--a low bar, to be sure. Oh, don't get me wrong, he's still a savage creature, but he understand forty or fifty short phrases, as opposed to the half-dozen commands the average Zod can process.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
How did you get the name Cy-Kill?
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A: I turn into a motorcycle, and I kill things. Do try to keep up.
- Q: It ought to be "Sty-ill," because you love it and have it in spades. Well, it ought to if it translated better, anyway.
- Renegade Rhetoric I appreciate your sentiment, despite how badly you botched the execution.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
I've seen Leader-1 and he seems to sincerely believe that he's a force for good. Is he just an incredible actor, or might he believe the things he says?
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A: Oh, I'm certain he believes he's a force for "good," whatever that means. But Guardian politics is cloying and controlling, not worthy of a free people like my Renegades. Your human author C.S. Lewis put it extremely well.
“Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience. They may be more likely to go to Heaven yet at the same time likelier to make a Hell of earth. This very kindness stings with intolerable insult. To be 'cured' against one's will and cured of states which we may not regard as disease is to be put on a level of those who have not yet reached the age of reason or those who never will; to be classed with infants, imbeciles, and domestic animals.”
This is what we struggle against, and this is why we MUST prevail!
- Q: Cy-Kill for president!
- Renegade Rhetoric I haven't yet told the tale of the time I ran for President of your United States, have I?
- Q: Do tell!
- Renegade Rhetoric I was tuning into Earth broadcasts from a satellite Sky-Jack had hacked into for us, only narrowly avoiding Spay-C or Path Finder or Apollo, one of those spacegoing Guardians. There was a debate on one of your inane television networks between two politicians, each of whom wanted to be candidate for President for one of the major parties. Crasher openly mocked them, and the Cop-Tur, in one of his rare moments of insight, said that I would be a much better president than any of them! And I immediately realized that there was a process in place I could exploit. Oh, I knew the American public would never be wise enough to elect me, but I also knew that I could get close to the future rulers and implement a particularly dastardly scheme.
- After a small amount of research, I dispatched Renegades to every state in the union to gather signatures. It was quite amusing, I must say. Loco conducted a whistle-stop campaign through Illinois. Stinger and Stallion attempted to rally support among auto workers in Detroit. Spoons and Block Head hit up working-class Pittsburgh. Slicks rallied the racing circuit in Indianapolis. Chaos hit the Grumman workers in Long Island; quite literally, as it turned out, which cost me votes in the Empire State. Oh, there were those who complained that my men were using intimidation tactics, gathering petitions at the end of a blaster, and technically of course they were right, but this was in the days before ubiquitous cell-phone cameras. Geeper-Creeper's disastrous trip to Fort Bragg boiled down to his word against Twister's.
- Finally, I had what I needed, and it was time for the debate. My plan was to secretly implant each of the two candidates with an Indoctrination Chip during the debate, but that meddlesome Scooter tricked me by using a hologram to make it appear as though Matt Hunter and A.J. Foster were the candidates. I should have realized something was up when they kept stumbling over simple policy questions. I attempted to grab them as hostages, and at that point was ambushed by Leader-1, Turbo, and Motosan. Crasher, Water Walk, and I engaged them, but were soon driven off. I suppose it was not my finest hour, but in retrospect it was one of my more amusing ploys.
- Ask Vector Prime
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric
Work is making us do more night shifts without raising our pay. What would you recommend we do?
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A: That depends. If the cause is just, and worthy of sacrifice, then to your duty and raise not your voices in complaint. But if you are being exploited to benefit an elite class of parasites, I recommend armed revolution without delay. In my extensive experience, the only language an out-of-touch cadre of rules understands is force.
- Q: So taking a page from the great plans of Cy-Kill, Renegade leader, you could, for instance, acquire brainwave sucking explosive toads from the planet Primus, and leave them in boxes where your enemies will find the in hopes them opening the boxes, having their minds sucked dry and causing the toads to explode. (Picture and story from the pages of GoBots Annual 1986).
- Renegade Rhetoric Oh, my, that was quite the lark.
https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=1230202797006822&id=1099425733417863
- Andromeda - Axiom Nexus News Reporter
- Traffic update for bots in Lower Tesarus. We've just learned that the unprecedented two megacycle delays motorists are reporting are due to what appears to be a terrorist bombing at Director Shockwave's research and development facility, located downtown. Security officials have cordoned off the area in a twenty-block radius and are conducting searches of everybot coming into or going out of the area. We recommend a detour through Outer Helex if you don't want to spend the next few megacycles in a massive gridlock and possibly answering some uncomfortable questions. We'll bring you more as it develops.
- Q: One of yours, Cy?
- Renegade Rhetoric A gentleman doesn't bomb and tell.
October 19, 2015
Q: Dear Cy-Kill,
Have any of your troops ever defected to the Guardians?
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A: Rare, but it does happen. Dart was originally a Guardian, but came with Fitor and myself to the Renegades when I saw the truth of their oppression. Sadly, he was one of several GoBots who fell under Gunnyr's sway deep within Gobotron, and the experience soured him on my cause. We also lost Steamer when he demonstrated an unexpected weakness of spirit, though I was shrewd enough to use his disloyalty to my advantage.
- Q: Did any Guardians become Renegades?
- Renegade Rhetoric Ah, indeed. I believe I already told the tale of my own conversion to the Renegade cause, when Fitor and I abandoned our oppressive ways for the good of all Gobotron. But perhaps you'd like to hear a more recent incident.
- A primitive Guardian ship returned from a deep-space exploration mission, one that had launched shortly after the GoBot upgrade had first been necessitated. Luckily, a pair of Space Hawk scout vessels piloted by Scorp and Crain Brain picked them up as the entered Gobotic space. We engaged them in battle and captured them, but not before one of the crew escaped to Gobotron in his Saturn V rocket configuration.
- Once I had them aboard, I used the brainstormer to discover what they had found--a world rich in mineral resources, the perfect manufacturing base for a new Renegade armada. But I was more intrigued by what I observed between the crew. Decker Decker blamed the ship's captain, Hi-Way, for his role in their capture. And there were two brothers, Bullet and Vain Train, who were clearly in the grip of a deep and intense rivalry. Sensing an opportunity, I used my mind control abilities to exacerbate Hi-Way's imperious nature and Bullet's tendency to belittle his younger brother. My plan worked; when I sent Crasher to lend a sympathetic ear, both Vain Train and Decker Decker were willing to join my glorious cause.
- Sadly, I was never able to exploit the new world they had discovered. Apollo returned with Leader-1's command center, their attack providing a distraction that allowed Bullet, Hi-Way, and Jack Attack to escape. My new warriors were defeated and the Guardians slipped away in their original ship while my Thruster was forced to retreat into hyperspace.
- Q: What were their vehicle modes?
- Renegade Rhetoric Let me see... Decker Decker was a Mitsubishi Fuso Aero King bus. Vain Train, whom I team up with Crain Brain for obvious reasons, is a 200 Series Shinkansen, which would make his brother the 0 series. Jack Attack was a Mini Cooper 1300S with a particularly garish flag emblazoned across his roof. And Hi-Way... why am I not remembering? Some sort of gobotic vehicle, anyway, noting very interesting.
- Ask Vector Prime
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Besides C.S. Lewis, have you read any other human authors?
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A: But of course! One cannot hope to conquer a civilization without some level of understanding. I was particularly impressed with your Machiavelli and Sun Tzu. Nietzsche, Marx, and Locke had some keen insights as well. And I had a rollicking good laugh over the antics penned by Gilbert & Sullivan. Why once we even managed to put on a production of The Pirates of Penzance as part of an elaborate scheme to rid ourselves of the hated Guardians once and for all.
- Q: This, I'd like to hear about!
- Renegade Rhetoric Oh, it was the usual. Traitor learned that an eccentric and wealthy theater enthusiast was leaving his entire fortune to the best production of the season. That fortune included a mystical gemstone with incredible powers, originally owned by the ancient Roman thaumaturge Arcanus Maximus. I wanted to acquire the stone and so put on a show.
- Inexplicably, the old fool preferred the Guardians' production. It was some impenetrable drivel by Kafka, though I must admit that the casting of Leader-1 as a giant cockroach was inspired. Naturally we grabbed the jewel anyway, but were much chagrined to discover that Arcanus Maximus was a fraud and that his stone was a worthless bauble.
- Ask Vector Prime
- Q: I...I kinda want to see the Gobot production of Pirates of Penzance.
- Renegade Rhetoric Oh, it was a sight to behold. Though I had had my heart set on the Pirate King, none of my troops could do justice to "Modern Major General," and so my hands were tied. Bugsie took the Pirate King role, with appropriate panache. Snoop did a passable Mabel, and her chemistry with Re-Volt's Frederic was, appropriately, electric. Or am I mixing a metaphor? Sparks flew, in any event. Literally. Crasher refused to play Ruth, but Psycho turned in a surprisingly good performance in the role. That left Twin Spin's serviceable Police Sergeant.
- Needless to say, we brought down the house. Again, literally.
- Q: Did Cop-Tur have a part?
- Renegade Rhetoric Cop-Tur is an abysmal actor. It takes him ages to get off book, and he never seems to hit his mark.
- He was, however, surprisingly adept in his capacity as stage manager.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
What's it like being a cyborg in a mechanical domain like Axiom Nexus?
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A: Disconcerting. It's as if I am surrounded by shambling zombies. However, a good leader firmly grasps all opportunities, even distasteful ones. Besides, my plans are coming to fruition. I have a sneaking suspicion I won't be here much longer.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Have you upgraded your Mini-Con, Decepticon and Predacon recruits with standard GoBot Blasters and flight systems since they joined the Renegade cause?
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A: But of course! They wouldn't be much use to me with merely Cybertronian levels of technology, now, would they?
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Did you have any adventures between the sound defeat of your Thruster fleet attempting to destroy Guardian mining output and the time you went to Quartex?
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A: I'd hardly call it a defeat, more of a... temporary setback. But yes, there is such a campaign, and it is a glorious tale of Renegade success. One of my operatives, Traitor, learned that the Guardians had developed a new weapon, the Space Hawk interceptor ship, and were working with UNECOM to mass-produce them. Obviously this was completely unacceptable to me, so we launched a three-pronged assault. I sent BuggyMan to kidnap Dr. Turgenova, the Soviet Union's coordinator to the project and a frequent thorn in my side. I tasked Fitor, Klaws, and Gunnyr with leading all-out assaults on the three primary production facilities and all completed craft. Meanwhile, Cop-Tur, Crasher, and I boarded Leader-1's Command Center to capture the prototype while the Guardian's forces were split. We made short work of the token force they left behind and absconded with the prototype.
Though the Space Hawk factories were heavily defended by Guardian Boomer units, Fitor and Klaws were successful in their mission. Gunnyr's team, which was engaged by Leader-1 and his entourage, was repulsed after inflicting only minimal damage. Turgenova was captured, and the brainstormer extracted her considerable knowledge of the project. I decided to use her as bait to draw forth the Guardians in a rescue attempt and allowed one of the their scouts to catch a glimpse of her being transferred to our temporary base on the dark side of the moon. Meanwhile, I had Dr. Go begin production on our own line of Space Hawks.
Predictably, the Guardians responded with a rescue attempt, with Leader-1 launching a frontal assault. This was a diversion, as the real rescue attempt employed stealth. I had anticipated this and left the doctor--Anya, not Go--well guarded, but once again Scooter's holographic devilry outwitted my men and the Guardians freed her. It mattered little, for this waste of time enabled me to get my own fleet of Space Hawks completed. I launched the fleet towards Gobotron, with the output from the remaining UNECOM facility in pursuit. Though we were engaged and repulsed just outside of Gobotron's orbit, I still count the exercise as a success. We had crippled Guardian production of their new weapon while securing a powerful new fleet for ourselves.
- Q: How much brain function did the scientist have after her knowledge got extracted?
- Renegade Rhetoric She was rattled, but the brainstormer did no permanent damage.
- Q: Which Guardians did your forces defeat to steal the prototype?
- Renegade Rhetoric My forces? No no, good sir, it was myself, along with my trusted lieutenants Cop-Tur and Crasher. The Guardians had left Scratch and Night Ranger behind, and we made short work of them indeed.
- Q: Which Guardians did Leader-1 bring on his diversionary frontal assault on your base?
- Renegade Rhetoric I remember that battle well, for I sallied forth with Hornet, Crasher, and Fly Trap. We faced off against Leader-1, Turbo, Bent Wing, and Super Couper. Flytrap rammed into Super Couper, Turbo and Crasher danced their usual dance, and Bent Wing shot my Monster Gobot down. It was all a diversion, of course, which I suspected, but the game must be played.
- Q: Who sprang the doctor free?
- Renegade Rhetoric Block Head and Tank reported seeing Scooter and Tail Pipe. I blame myself; I was expecting a brute-force rescue, not subterfuge.
- Q: Which Guardian did you cunningly allow to observe Doctor Turgenova?
- Renegade Rhetoric The aptly-named Spy-Eye. The dunderhead had no idea we were feeding him exactly what we wanted him to see.
- Q: Out of curiosity, how much do you trust Traitor? That name just makes me uneasy.
- Renegade Rhetoric Traitor has his uses. He's quite good at getting people to trust him.
- Q: Is this Dr. Go? And does he go by any other names?
- Renegade Rhetoric Yes, that's him with Braxis. I suppose, before his degree, he would have been Mr. Go. Doesn't have quite the same ring to it, does it?
- Q: Are there any Renegade Boomers?
- Renegade Rhetoric Yes there are. Boomer tech has been around for some time. We tend to use the Blast model, with more firepower but less durability than the Rumble model the Guardians employ.
- Though, truth be told, we've largely replaced them with the newer Power Marchers. Quick-Step units are faster than Blasts and just as powerful. I imagine the Guardians will follow suit with their counterpart, the Hitch Hiker and Ridge Runner models.
- Ask Vector Prime
- Ask Vector Prime
October 20, 2015
Q: Dear Cy-Kill,
Can you tell us anything about Blaster, Van Guard, and Tork?
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A: They are pathetic Guardians, unworthy of consideration from one such as I.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
What are you takes on Transformers technology like Targetmasters, Headmasters and Pretenders? Would you even use those technologies yourself or on your troops?
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A: My immediate visceral reaction to "binary bonding" is one of repugnance. However, a wise leader considers all possible technologies, and our humanoid allies, such as Braxis or Alva-Mar, have occasionally proven useful. Come to think of it, I did once create semi-sentient transforming weapons, and that did not turn out as I had hoped. In retrospect, giving you weapon a will of its own was ill-advised, for obvious reasons.
Pretender technology seems much more to my liking. Perhaps we could use it to enhance Power Suit technology, bring it to the next generation. Remind me some time to tell the tale of Grungy, our failed attempt to duplicate the Last Engineer's most infuriating gift to the Guardians, Courageous.
- Q: Dear Uncle Cy, please tell the tale of Grungy, your failed attempt to duplicate the Last Engineer's most infuriating gift to the Guardians, Courageous.
- Renegade Rhetoric Another one of my operations--a raid on a Guardian communications hub--was repulsed by Courageous, the combiner made up of the Last Engineer's ship and four Power Suits. I was feeling quite dejected and I may have taken it out on some of my troops. At precisely that moment, the Master Renegade broke into Rogue Star's viewscreen with an offer. He would provide us with four Power Suits and a command ship of our own, but only if he was named leader in my stead. Naturally I refused, only to have Loco, Fly Trap, Screw Head, and Spoiler turn on me and lock me in my own prison, along with Cop-Tur. In retrospect, I shouldn't have been so harsh on them for their failure.
- The Master Renegade came on board with Creepy and Bladez, and, true to his word, created an exact duplicate of the Last Engineer's work. From my cell, I advised caution; they were untested creations, and though the Master Renegade was brilliant he was also sloppy. My men didn't listen to me, and proceeded directly to an assault the Gobotron Fortress protecting Gobotolis, Gobotron's capital city.
- Initially they did quite well, with the suit giving my disloyal Renegades an impressive array of abilities. Fly Trap's P1 suit enhanced his durability. Loco's P2 suit increased his strength. Spoiler's P3 suit increased his speed. and Screw Head's P4 suit gave him short-range teleportation capability. The Master Renegade flew in his ship, observing the battle and occasionally picking off a straggling Guardian.
- Predictably, Leader-1 and his team engaged them, using their own Power Suits. The fight was a draw, prompting the Master Renegade to call for a combination. And that is when things started to go wrong. Loco believed he should be in control of the combined entity, but the Master Renegade's ego could never allow such a thing. Fly Trap and Screw Head sided with Loco, with Spoiler opting for the Master Renegade. Courageous wasted little time taking advantage of their hobbled adversary and blasted them into orbit. He remarked that, compared to Courageous, the Renegade Power Suits were quite grungy. The name stuck.
- And what of me, you ask? By the time they limped back to base, tails between their legs, Fitor, Crasher, and Chaos had returned from their mission and freed me, overcoming Creepy and Bladez to do so. When the dejected quartet saw me, waiting for them in the docking bay, they didn't even put up a fight, immediately surrendering to me and throwing themselves on my mercy. The Master Renegade grabbed Creepy and Bladez and retreated in his vessel. Fitor observed that it was unfortunate we no longer had his ship, but Spoiler said he had gotten a full scan of it, with which Dr. Go could probably construct a duplicate. Surely, the universe has not seen the last of Grungy!
- Ask Vector Prime
- Q: Dear Uncle Cy, Please tell us of the semi-sentient transforming weapons you once created.
- Renegade Rhetoric Certainly. When Fitor brought me news that the Guardians had developed a tetrionic capacitor and were holding it on Gobotron's fortress moon, I immediately staged a sortie. It was repulsed due to their superior firepower, prompting Crasher to complain that it was difficult to attack when we were always out-gunned. This in turn gave me a brilliant idea! I had Dr. Go create three RoGuns, hand-held weapons that could convert into small robots. In our second raid on the fortress moon, I wielded Rifle, the most powerful of the three, who could fire a powerful heat beam. Crasher utilized Pistol, who fired explosive shells. And Cop-Tur was paired with Squirt, who could fire a variety of liquid chemical. Our raid was a glorious triumph, despite the RoGuns starting to express discontent with their roles as living weapons in their incomprehensible binary gibbering. We cowed them into submission and captured the Guardian's new tetrionic capacitor.
- Once back to Rogue Star, I immediately instructed Dr. Go to reprogram his new invention. Why he gave them free will in the first place is quite beyond me. What we didn't know was that Major Mo, Scooter, and A.J. had been performing maintenance on the device and were aboard. They encountered our three RoGuns and Scooter was able to somehow understand their idiotic bleeps and boops. The RoGuns were freed from Go's laboratory, and the ungrateful miscreants turned on us. The three intruders blasted their way to freedom with our own weapon after destroying the capacitor.
- Q: You mentioned a prison moon and a fortress moon for Gobotron. Were there any others?
- Renegade Rhetoric If there's one thing Gobotron is known for, it's moons. It has a knowledge moon, a picnic moon, the moon of fire, industrial moons zeta 1 through zeta 4, a spa moon, the moon of shadows, and a few more.
- Q: I heard there was a fourth Rogun. Is this true?
- Renegade Rhetoric Fourth and fifth, yes. Apparently Professor Von Joy created two more, Scope and Shotgun, and upgraded all their language circuits to enable them to more easily communicate with others. Oh, yes, there's quite the merry little RoGun clan.
- We discovered this when the Secret Riders decided to prove themselves by attacking our base on Mars. Armed with the RoGuns, they had more firepower than we had anticipated. Fortunately for us, we had made an alliance with the savage Bars Barkas and his Barkhon clan, and were able to capture the interlopers. All would have gone well, had not Throttle managed to befriend Bars Barkas' spindly son, Losa and teach him that there are other paths to greatness besides combat. Losa and Bars Barkas kicked my forces off the planet, much to my chagrin.
- Ask Vector Prime
- Ask Vector Prime
- Q: Can you tell us more of Braxis and Alva-Mar?
- Renegade Rhetoric Dr. Braxis is a brilliant, if unstable, human scientist. He has worked with us many times, right from our first foray to Earth. He has helped us mind control the entire Earth, contact other dimensions, even developed a weapon capable of overloading an entire sun. Truly a human after my own heart.
- Alva-Mar was a dupe, but a valuable one. His technology was far in advance of our own... as was his nativity. I very nearly took control of his advanced fleet, but he escaped my clutches.
- Q: And can you tell us more about this weapon?
- Renegade Rhetoric It was called the nova beam, and it was quite potent. Unfortunately, we were prevented from using it to full effect before it overloaded, forcing me to jettison it from Rogue Star and withdraw.
- Q: What dimensions have you contacted?
- Renegade Rhetoric Aside from this one, you mean? I once made contact with the twenty-first level of reality, a plane ruled by Queen Exor and her Insectoid hordes. I sought to use them against UNECOM and the Guardians, but she proved too dangerous to control. As distasteful as it was, Leader-1 and I had to combine forces to drive her back to where she came from.
- Q: And what happened to Dr. Braxis? Is he still among your forces back in your home dimension?
- Renegade Rhetoric Braxis put us in an awkward position. His intellect was far too valuable for us to let him go, but his temperament was far too unpredictable for us to let him stay. Fortunately for us, he spared us the dilemma by stealing one of our shuttles and made his exit from the war. Of course, we hadn't seen the last of him...
- Q: How would you evolve your power suits with Pretender technology?
- Renegade Rhetoric Well, for one, Power Suits do not have legs. Flying everywhere becomes tedious after a time.
- Q: What form would your Pretender shell take?
- Renegade Rhetoric Difficult to say. It's not easy to improve upon perfection.
- Q: So, did you ever build a new Grungy?
- Renegade Rhetoric Eh, Dr. Go had plans for one, but he kept modifying it. By the time I got tired of indulging his fancies and tabled Project: Nemesis, it was most unrecognizable. Some kind of tank thing. I wonder if I should dust it off.
https://www.facebook.com/AxiomNewsRook/videos/995397140503906/
- Rook - Axiom Nexus News: Investigative Journalist
- Rook gets hacked!
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
What's UNECOM?
.
.
A: UNECOM is a loathsome organization devoted to preventing the Renegade message from spreading to Earth. Headed by General Newcastle, most of the humans I've mentioned as Guardian allies are members or affiliates. I recently learned that it stands for the UNited Earth COMmand.
- Q: Seems some UNECOM officials are former NASA astronauts who first encountered the GoBots when they came to Earth, like Matt Hunter, Allison Janmoria Foster (aka AJ) and Nick Burns.
- Renegade Rhetoric Pesky, unimportant details.
- Q: “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.” - Some unimportant pesky human.
- Renegade Rhetoric Knowing the intricacies of human bureaucracies is not what Sun Tzu had in mind when he penned that.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Could you please tell me more about the inhabitants of Quartex, especially the Rock Lords and the Narlis? I want to learn about who they are, and about your encounters with them.
.
.
A: No.
- Q: Could you at least share with us whether there is any benefit to shifting into a big rock that you can see?
- Renegade Rhetoric None that I could perceive. I found Magmar and his cohorts rather pathetic.
- Q: Pretty please?
- Renegade Rhetoric Well, since you asked nicely...
- NO!
- Q: What if we ask rudely? Omfg, dude, just give us the info.
- Renegade Rhetoric If you ask rudely, I shall rip off your arms and feed them to Gore Jaw.
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
If you're so tough and superior, why don't you rally an army and take over Axiom Nexus?
.
.
A: And just what do you think I've been doing with my time, hmmm? Revolution doesn't happen overnight. Besides, I took an important step only two days prior that will help my plans come to fruition.
- Q: You know you've got an army of Quadwal collaborators just waiting for your signal.
- Renegade Rhetoric Very well aware. Subverting the audience that Vec-Tor has built for the purpose of Renegade recruitment has been a delightful bonus to this entire affair.
October 21, 2015
Q: Dear Uncle Cy,
In the world I live in the tales of your accomplishments have become the thing of folklore. Stories told that educate and amuse young and old. There are even conventions in honor of such tales. If you ever find yourself on this Earth, would you attend such a convention as an honored guest before concurring us for our own good?
.
.
A: I would be honored to be so invited. It wouldn't be my first time attending a convention. I once had to attend a science fiction convention in disguise to acquire a scientist necessary for Renegade plans.
- Q: Please do tell us more of your excursion!
- Renegade Rhetoric We learned that the inventor of the Dynamic Asymmetrical Wavefront Nullifier was to be giving a talk at SciFi Con in New York. Knowing that we would never be able to prevail in a frontal assault, we took advantage of the pageantry to sneak about the convention dressed as various characters. Eventually Decker Decker spotted Dr. Faraji and my troops were able to converge on his location. We didn't count on Matt, Raizor, and Turbo being present, also in costume; how could we know they were enormous fans of the alien invasion film Bastille Day? Though outnumbered by better than 2:1, Turbo and Raizor gave a good accounting of themselves. We ultimately captured both Turbo and Faraji, but Matt and Raizor escaped to warn Leader-1.
- Though we were able to modify his DAWN into a devastating weapon, he had built a computer virus into it which infected the ship. The Rogue Star's Stealth Device failed, allowing Leader-1 to find and engage with us. During the battle, the forcefield holding Turbo failed. The thrice-damned Guardian was able to overcame his guards, allowing him and Faraji freedom of the malfunctioning ship. After destroying the DAWN, the two stole a Space Hawk and escaped mere seconds before we activated the Hyperdrive and withdrew to repair our systems.
- Q: Do you remember what costumes you and your men were wearing? What of the Guardians?
- Renegade Rhetoric It was good fun. I chose to a noble Cylon costume. Dr. Go even got the eye right. Crasher was Lara Croft and Cop-Tur was Cloud Strife, mostly so he could wave his sword around. Re-Volt was The Doctor, colorful scarf and all. Decker Decker was Deadpool, Hornet was slave Leia, and Blades was Inuyasha.
- As for the Guardians, Turbo was one of the leads from The Matrix, Raizor was a some man with a chainsaw for a hand, and Matt was a flying armored bounty hunter from Star Wars.
- Q: The Guardians sound maddening. Be honest, which of these three is the most infuriating to you?
- Renegade Rhetoric Easily Leader-1. Everything about him raises my ire. Just look at him! The arrogance, the self-righteousness. His body language tells you everything you need to know about him.
- Scooter irks me due to how feeble he is. There is no room for weakness in the Gobotron I shall build. I sometimes wonder if Leader-1 keeps him around simply to annoy me.
- Turbo is the least irritating of the three. He certainly finds his way into my machinations often enough, but I can't help but get the sense that he'd make a good Renegade, if the universe had taken a different turn somewhere along the line.
- Ask Vector Prime
- Ask Vector Prime
-
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
What was your most audacious adventure?
.
.
A: Hmmm... it is probably the time I stole a moon.
I had Dr. Go modify Rogue Star's two primary particle beam cannons into the largest astrobeam ever created. I dispatched Fitor to beam the communication moon of Gobotron to my secret base in the Magellanic Nebulae, outside of the galaxy itself! I had forty-eight hours with the moon all to myself... or so I thought. Leader-1 had crashed on the planet moments before we had beamed it away. He was damaged, but we had no idea he was there.
I went in with a team of seven Renegades to plumb it's secrets. Leader-1 engaged with my forces one-by-one. He had eliminated half my forces before I even realized he was present, using the communicator he stole from Bugsie to get the drop on them. His dogfight with Sky-Jack in the hollow holographic core of the moon was what alerted us. In another time I could have appreciated our F-14 Tomcat vs his F-15 Eagle. By the time he had defeated Sky-Jack and vanished into the moon's superstructure, there was only Vain Train, Stinger, and I left. Stinger he electrocuted in the moon's power core, and Vain Train he blasted with the moon's coolant.
By that time it was down to just the two of us. We engaged outside of the moon's supercomputer, containing every Guardian encryption algorithm ever devised. I was moments away from achieving my objective, with only one badly maimed Guardian before me. He was burned, frozen, battered, limping, and out of blaster energy. I offered him the chance to surrender with dignity, which he refused, rushing at me with a jagged pipe. I defeated him handily, of course, for I am more than a match for him in optimal condition and he was far from. I taunted him, allowing myself a moment of joviality, saying something to the effect of the time of his defeat being at hand. Imagine my surprise when he started laughing, quite uncharacteristically. I was perplexed, until I heard his taunts. "It's YOUR time that's up, Cy-Kill!" He was right! Even as I raised my hands to blast him into oblivion, he and the moon faded out of existence, returning to its original position in orbit around Gobotron, with its codes once again out of my grasp.
Although the experience, at the time, was nothing but frustrating, as I look back I say to myself, so what if I didn't get the Guardian ciphers. I stole a moon.
- Q: Impressive! And your arch-enemy put up quite an effort as well! Do you entirely hate Leader-1, or is there some small measure of mutual respect for his abilities and determination?
- Renegade Rhetoric I... admit a certain begrudging admiration for my old friend's tenacity, misguided though it may be.
- Q: You're mentioned a team of seven Renegades. Who were the other two?
- Renegade Rhetoric Bug Bite, whom he knocked a pallet of girders onto, and Water Walk, whom he shoved in front of an active communication laser at point-blank range.
- Ask Vector Prime
Q: Dear Renegade Rhetoric,
Are you afraid of what will happen when the local authorities discover you are basically the equivalent of a Megatron? Especially with you implying that you bombed Shockw'ave's lab?
.
.
A: CY-KILL: Not at all! Those fools haven't the slightest inkling of who they are dealing with. In fact, I've--
CHEETOR: In the name of the OZSA, you are under arrest.
CY-KILL: How did you find me?
DETECTAS: I watch ANN.
CY-KILL: Curses. Our ratings are so low, I hadn't anticipated that.
HOUND: You are wanted for theft, assault, murder, arson, terrorism, littering, and violation of Dux non Intruitus.
CY-KILL: It certainly took you long enough to get your dux in a row.
HOUND: Ugh... we should arrest him just for that.
CHEETOR: Come out of the ANN offices with your hands up and no one needs to get hurt.
CY-KILL: You'll never take me alive, you cheap knock-offs!
<BOOM>
STUNGUN: I'm hit!
CY-KILL: What was that about no one getting hurt? Mwah ha ha ha ha ha!
HOUND: You can't win. We have you surrounded.
CY-KILL: Do you now? Or do I have YOU surrounded? Renegades, engage these trans-cretinous techno-morons! Form Monsterous.
STUNGUN: UNREGISTERED GESTALT! Fall back, fall back.
CY-KILL: Yes, that's right, fool, scurry away like the insects you are. Gong! Manifest yourself in this spatio-temporal location.
GONG: Yes yes, Lord Cy-Kill. I materialize at your and only your command.
CY-KILL: The time has come for us to withdraw from this point in history to one more... accommodating to our needs. Clutch!
CLUTCH: Yes, Cy-Kill?
CY-KILL: Are the materials prepared?
CLUTCH: Yes, Cy-Kill, all of the research you've stolen--
CY-KILL: Liberated.
CLUTCH: --liberated is ready for chrono jump.
CY-KILL: Gather to me, my Renegades. A glorious future awaits you away from this sterile techno-trashheap. Gong, now.
GONG: Yes yes, Lord Cy-Kill. Hehehehehehe! This should be good for a giggle.
CY_KILL: Goodbye, loyal viewers. We slip the surly bonds of time and bid this era adieu. But you haven't heard the last of Cy-Kill, not by a long shot. Mwah ha ha ha ha ha!
<...>
<...>
<...>
CHEETOR: Go, go go!
HOUND: Clear!
DETECTAS: Clear!
HOUND: You certainly are.
DETECTAS: ...
CHEETOR: Knock it off. We've just let a dozen or more dangerous fugitives escape, including a combiner we know nothing about. And Starscream thinks the lab bombing was just a cover, so they could raid his research and we'd have no idea what they got away with. Now is not the time for jokes.
STUNGUN: Are we live on the air?
CHEETOR: OH, <AXIOM NEXUS AUTO-CENSORS ENGAGED>
<STATIC>
https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=1513668948947247&id=1419639905016819
- Axiom Nexus News Editor
- ED: Rook. Have you heard?
- ROOK: Heard? I'm the one who broke the story about Uniend.
- ED: Uniend? No, not that. Cy-Kill has fled Axiom Nexus.
- ROOK: What?
- ED: Apparently he was some kind of obscure faction leader. He bragged about it on the air.
- ROOK: Then why didn't you yank him off the program and contact the authorities?
- ED: One, his ratings. Two, I thought it was all bluster. You know, like that demagogue over at TF-NBC?
- ROOK: Ummm...
- ED: You know, very popular with the Decepticon set, turns into a dog I think?
- ROOK: Rush?
- ED: Yes, right, Rush. He's suspected of being involved in the Shockwave bombing.
- ROOK: Rush attacked Shockwave's lab?
- ED: No, Cy-Kill.
- ROOK: That makes... slightly more sense.
- ED: In any event, we now need a new host.
- ROOK: Oh, no.
- ED: Oh, yes. He was quite popular, so get someone like him.
- ROOK: A wanted criminal?!?
- ED: No, no, but someone LIKE him.
- ROOK: A charismatic villain?
- ED: Charismatic yes, villain no, but... maybe someone with that kind of history. Perhaps a reformed villain?
- ROOK: The applicant pile is getting pretty thin after so much turn-over.
- ED: Just do what you can.
Shark Sonnets
October 21, 2015
This is quite the honor! I'm flattered, really I am. It does this shark's heart proud to see so many thousands of questions, each one addressed to... Vector Prime? Any relationship to Optimus Prime?
No matter, I shall still to my best. And if you have any questions for a humble sea-predator, I'll do my very best to answer them.
Wait, what is that? I need to name my column? Oh, my, I didn't realize. Something alliterative? I can do that. I'm a poet, after all.
Where's my rhyming dictionary when I really need it.
Sky-Byte's Sky-Cites? No, that's terrible! Predacon Pontification? No, no, no one will ever watch a show called that. Maybe Shark something. Shark Sayings? But I want to share original work, not just cliché. Shark Snark? But I'm not snarky, I'm quite pleasant to talk to. Shark Sandwich? Why did I even say that?
Oh, I think I just had a good one. Shark Sonnets. Not technically speaking accurate, but I think some puffery might be excused. Not that I'm a puffer fish, no. I'm a mighty shark!
Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Shark Sonnets,
Why do Decepticons in almost every universal stream have so many combiners? Why did the Beast Era have so few?
.
.
A: We beasts are of too delicate a temperament to easily combine with other, not the way those haughty Decepticons can. What do they care if their minds are hardwired together into one hulking brute, bereft of poetry? They had none to begin with. Not so with a Predacon like me.
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
What are your thoughts on the Seacons and do you think you are worthy of commanding them?
.
.
A: Seacons? I've never met them. They sound delightful! Are they an offshoot of the Predacons? I... I could have my own team of ocean-going compatriots, each of whom looks up to me with bright, shining, questioning optics, confident that Captain Sky-Byte would never steer them wrong.
Where can I find them? You must tell me at once!
October 22, 2015
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
Do you mind sharing with us some of your poetry?
.
.
A: Do I mind? Why, I'd be delighted! I didn't know word of my humble scribblings had reached so far. I'd dreamed that one day, but never dared hope...
Ahem. All right. I've been trying to work out how I feel about this strange new city I've been living in. It goes something like this:
Shining towers soar
all alone yet teeming still
Axiom Nexus
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
Have you met any other Sky-Bytes in Axiom Nexus?
.
.
A: OTHER Sky-Bytes? But... but *I'M* the baddest shark around! And I'm finally on holovision. Don't make me compete with a version of myself. How could I stand up to someone as handsome and talented as me? Why, I could barely make Galvatron remember I existed after that ruffian Scourge inserted himself into Predacon affairs.
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
What are your thoughts on the Rime of the Ancient Mariner? A balled that seems to be up your alley.
.
.
A: Truly, a beautiful work that touched my very spark. That poor, poor albatross. I know exactly how he feels.
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
Have you encountered any Primax Predacons? Did the height difference throw you off a bit?
.
.
A: You mean the very short ones that seem to be everywhere? Yes! When I first arrived, after the processing that seemed to take forever and a day, I was discombobulated, nervous, and feeling quite out of my element. Imagine my relief when above a bar I spotted the noble and familiar insect sigil signifying a Predacon establishment. But when I walked inside, everyone was a third my height! I had to walk with an uncomfortable crouch that did no favors to my back-struts--I have those, because I am a proud vertebrate, and if someone has told you otherwise they were lying! They served me energon, but I felt distinctly unwelcome. There seem to be few TRUE Predacons in this city I find myself in.
Q: Woo! Sky-Bye! You're so cool!
.
.
A: I am? I mean, I am! Yes, there are no sharks cooler than Sky-Byte.
You really think so?
October 23, 2015
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
Have you encountered a Maximal by the name of Cybershark? I think the two of you have something in common.
.
.
A: Is it a cunning military mind? Is it a Spark that pulses for verse? Is it a regal bearing? A scholastic aptitude? Tell me!
Q: I've heard some guy named Slapper call you nothing but a spineless jellyfish!
.
.
A: Slapper said that? But... but I thought he saw me as something of a mentor, a leader, a role model. He knows I'm not a jellyfish!
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
Have you ever considered doing public performances with your poetry? Place like Axiom Nexus, you're sure to find a gig.
.
.
A: They have an open mic night at Destron Pizza, I head there every Marxsol to test out new material. But my dream job in Axiom Nexus would be to emcee at The Blue Deployer. I was speaking to a mech named Cobratron and said he had an in with the proprietor. I just hope it turns out to be a Predacon, not an Autobot or, worse, a Decepticon!
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
First of all, i have to tell you your my favorite predacon! secondly i must ask have you ever worked alongside any other predacons besides megatron and the pred stooges?
.
.
A: Me, your favorite? I'm touched! What did I do to be deserving of such an honor? Was it the time I saved the CGA tower? I'm often asked about that.
But stooges? That's hardly a fair characterization. Slapper is strong, and sneaky, and actually quite funny once you get to know him. Gas-Skunk is more clever than he seems, and most, um, strategic about placing himself in danger. And Dark Scream has a fine sense of loyalty, and a beautiful tenor singing voice.
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
Who are your favorite human poets, if you've read any?
.
.
A: Of course I have. There are so many fine human wordsmiths, it's hard to narrow it down to just a few. Keats and Tennyson, of course. Bashō and Shiki, naturally. The Brontes. Homer and Ovid. Dickenson. Hughes. Bai. Byron. Abī Sūlmā. Shelly. Verlaine, Rimbaud, and Hugo. Hölderlin. Dante. Mayakovsky. Poe.
This is impossible! How can a humble shark narrow down this list to something manageable? He can't! Next question!
Oh! And the immortal bard! One can't forget him and be taken seriously as a poet.
Do you like the list?
October 24, 2015
Q: Hey, Sky-Byte, stop waffling and give us what we want. Haikus!
.
.
A: Waffling? Was I? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
Oh, this is quite a lot of pressure. I hope I'm up to the task.
The hour is nigh
Gauntlet hurtled at my feet
Time to fight and win!
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
Do you like cosplaying?
.
.
A: Ahem.
Bright red racing car
I shall show them all my speed
Megatron? Watch out!
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
What was your life like before the Cybertronian civil war?
.
.
A: Unfulfilled yearning
Water trapped behind a dam
Enter Megatron!
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
Have you ever watched Finding Nemo or Jaws? If so, what did you think of them?
.
.
A: Jaws.
Tension building up,
Is that a fin over there?
Need a bigger boat!
Finding Nemo.
Don't you take his son!
I'm sure he'll get Nemo back.
I'm not crying, no.
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
How can you justify being free and clear after all the harm you caused? I mean, ESPECIALLY helping turn those innocent Autobot protoforms into the Decepticons!
.
.
A: Costly freedom earned
Second chances are most rare
I shall do my best
October 25, 2015
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets
Besides poetry do you have any other hobbies or passions?
.
.
A: My gentle facade
Hides a strong warrior's spark
TSUNAMI BLASTER!!!
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
What's your opinion on the poets of the 60s?
.
.
A: Caesar vs Pompey
In Lucan's Pharsalia
A shark tear is shed
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
Have you ever encountered a Klud?
.
.
A: Noble sea beast swims
Magestic in his freedom
The pride of Pequod
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
What is your favorite drink in which to partake?
.
.
A: Dingy bar can't hide
New friends' luminosity
Old Corroder, please
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
Who are the Predacon Council?
.
.
A: Hidden agendas
Mysterious rulers three
Megatron, their peer?
October 26, 2015
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
Are there any other Predacons from your universe you want to tell us about? I doubt that the entirety of the Predacons consisted of you, the trio, and Megatron.
.
.
A: My people battle
Seeking their birthright through strife
Planet Cybertron
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
Have you ever thought of using limericks
.
.
A: But, but I was asked for exclusively haikus. Oh, what to do, what to do. Perhaps it's acceptable, it's still verse. And I have been playing with the format.
There once was a shark, name of Sky-Byte,
A poet a scholar and white knight
The knave, name of Scourge
And his goons who could merge
Could never best him in a fair fight
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
Haikus are boring. Your boring. Be more interesting. Enough with the haiku answers.
.
.
A: But... But I specifically was requested all haikus! And, wait, here's another one...
.
.
Q: Dear Shark Sonnets,
Limericks are lame. Stick to Haikus from now on please.
.
.
A: Oh, I can't keep up. I give the people exactly what they say they want and then they turn on me. It's all too much for an excitable shark like me. I quit!
Besides, the proprietor of The Blue Deployer loved my act. I'm starting next Gerbesol, going on three times per orbital cycle.
Goodbye, audience! Thank you for allowing a humble shark into your life to entertain you. And so as to not make a lie of the title, I'll leave you with a true Shark Sonnet.
I ply the sea, a solo Predacon
I hunt I search I strike the naer-do-wells,
My path is true, I seek from dusk till dawn
No prize need I, no horns no praise no bells
And yet the road I take leaves me alone
Mem'ries unfold of comrades lost to time
Skunk frog and squirr'l, and leader overthrown
Is their fate just, do their lots fit their crime
And what of me, a shark with a reprieve
Do them I owe a duty unfulfilled?
Or should I be content to simply grieve?
I cannot see the future I should build
The sun rises and blinds me for a flash
And insight comes, and to my task I dash
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1515345288779613&id=1419639905016819&ref=bookmarks
- Axiom Nexus News Editor
- ED: Hey, 'Romy. Looks like we lost another one.
- Andromeda: Again, chief?
- ED: No great loss... he was filling our airwaves with... poetry.
- Andromeda: You don't like poetry, chief?
- ED: I like poetry as much as the next bot, but it's probably the only thing that gets worse ratings that news.
- Andromeda: At least it wasn't traditional Lanarqian percussion hexagons.
- ED: That is... oddly specific.
- Andromeda: I heard some this morning on my drive into work on ANPR. Really got my aleph waves going.
- ED: Yes, well, we need a replacement up, ASAP. Someone exciting! Charismatic! Someone who tells stories.
- Andromeda: But not a terrorist, right?
- ED: Yes, right, I shouldn't have to say that but apparently I do.
- Andromeda: I think I've got you covered. Exciting and charismatic, but not a terrorist.
- ED: And try to get someone, I'm not sure, different than the other guest hosts.
- Andromeda: Different how?
- ED: I'm not sure. Just... mix it up a bit, ok?
- Andromeda: I'll do my best.
Spacewarp's Log
October 26, 2015
Spacewarp's Log: Stardate 301-52-574.3975. Stuck on Axiom Nexus until I can get a visa to go off-world, I have accepted a position with Axiom Nexus News as an advice columnist as a stop-gap while I take stock of the situation.
Observation: Axiom Nexus considers itself the most advanced Cybertron in any reality, but from what I've seen the TransTech are Cybertronians just like any others. They have the same foibles, the same virtues, and especially the same vices. They may have advanced their technologies but psychologically their flaws are as evident as my own. I'm confident that, given a few decacycles, I can punch, gamble, sneak, research, or flirt my way off-world. In the meantime, may as well appreciate this odd little trans-dimensional forum for what it is.
Shoot your questions my way, multiverse! Spacewarp's Log is accepting all queries.
Q: Dear Spacewarp's Log,
What do you think of Megatron?
.
.
A: Megatron? Did he go back to Megatron? I thought he was calling himself Galvatron these days. Talk about an identity crisis.
Anyhoose, Megatron. The Slag Maker. The Big Kahuna. What's his motto again? "Peace Through Tedium?"
Look, don't tell him I said so, but I've got better uses for my time than shuttling around his scrap while he chases Mini-Cons or Cyber Keys or whatever the flavor-of-the-year is. He talks a big game, but he doesn't have the vision to appreciate what a freelance spacefaring captain can accomplish, especially if she has an entrepreneurial bent.
Q: Hey, Spacewarp.
Mind telling me how you smoke a cy-gar with that mouthplate?
.
.
A: Whoosers. Didn't your batch proto-initiator ever explain to you about basic cyber-anatomy?
I assure you. The plate. Comes. Off.
(If this turns into a discussion about the binary-birds and cyber bees, I quit.)
- Q: So then, what do you look like without the mouthplate?
- Spacewarp's Log Hella cute when I wanna.
October 27, 2015
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
What is the most exciting job you have ever done?
.
.
A: Honey, in my line of work, every job is just a little too "exciting," if you catcha my drifta. But fine, I'll bite.
There was this one time, I was out of fuel in Purgatory. No, seriously, Purgatory. I mean, is it just me? Who's toodling along, doing some space exploration and sees a planet and is all "that looks like a scrap-hole, let's name it Purgatory."
Anyway, Purgatory is about as nice as you'd imagine. Three races locked in perpetual war, constantly shifting allegiances so it's always 2 on 1. Vulcanism out the afterburner, and not the pointy eared kind. Moon looks like someone's taken a Unicron-scaled power booster rod and thwacked it.
The thing about Cybertronians is, we're basically more-or-less effectively immortal. So I don't get fuel, I get to spend a couple or three million years on the vacation destination of a lifetime, do not pass go, do not collect 200 shanix. No problem, right? There's a war going on, and if there's one thing war's good for, it's getting people to spend an enormous amount of effort trying to maximize energy density.
I take stock and the best prospect is a military base used by the Yequon, which is the current underdog race in the fight. Don't feel too sorry for them, not five planetary years earlier they were staunch allies with the Gadreel, bombing the lubricant outta feckless Kasdaye. (I might be using the word "feckless" incorrectly. Don't tell me if I am. I love the sound of that word. Feckless. Just rolls off the audio processor.) In five more years they'll reorient themselves again. Like I said, this place was aptly named.
So, military base. The Asphodel. Got huge stockpiles of what I needs, but also swarming with fifteen foot tall Yequon soldiers scuttling along on their six creepy legs and pointing wrath-spears every which way.
(Would you believe that, according to some Purgatorian scholars, the war started because the Yequon thought they were the handsomest of all the races and the Kasdaye took exceptions? Don't even get me started on the Kasdaye, they look like what might result if a walrus mated with a yukka tree.)
I know I'll never sneak my way in, and I'm not feeling particularly amenable to suicide just at the moment, so blasting my way in is out. Which leaves me with one option: bluff! So, I smaltz in, claiming I'm the personal representative of Opulus IX, Grand-High-Arch-Inquisitor of the Yequon Superiot (yes, their nation-state name is the Yequon Superiot) and I'm here to inspect the base.
The good news: they believe me! The bad news; Opulus IX has recently been deposed by his nephew, and there's a new Arch-High-Grand-Supreme-Inquisitor, Pomperous VII. (I may be making up a few names I don't remember. Then again, I may not. Visit Purgatory and find out!) They throw me in a cell, energy-bars sizzling and cracking and frying little limbobugs who get too close, drawn by the heat, and I'm trying hard not to see a metaphor in them. I figure this is it, I'm gonna get shipped off to their capital city, Tartarus, to get my circuits flayed and my spark used to power Pomperous Jr's nightlight.
Only here's the thing. The bars, they're operating at a frequency of 82.9 gigahertz. Right now I'm seeing the hyper-spatial physics-minded set nodding their heads. This energy is compatible with my own transwarp modulation circuits! So, I do a little surgery on myself, turn my left optic into a mirror, direct one of the beams into my communication relay, and light that base up like it's nineteen nine-ninety-nine... nine-ninety-nine. It takes the Gadreel about eight minutes to get a bombing run in the air. Cage drops, guard is distracted, I give him the old titanium one-two, make my way to the tarmac, grab the fuel, and blow that polymer stand.
I swore to myself, I ain't never heading back to Purgatory, no matter how much Omega Trion pays me.
...so, seven hundred years later, I'm back on Purgatory looking down the business end of a Kasdaye rage-rifle and I say to myself, what the frag is wrong with me? But that's another story.
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
Ever done business with a pirate named Cannonball?
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A: Hahahahahahaha.
Yup.
- Q: The two of you have a history, then?
- Spacewarp's Log You could say that.
Hey, here's one in the VP slush pile I can actually answer! No "Yadda Yadda 1234.56 Dipstick" or anything.
Q: D̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Spacewarp's Log,
Who is Gigatron Z?
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A: I've heard of one, though who can say if it's the one you were thinking of. It was right here in the Offworlder Zone. Big guy, green camo, looked a little like ol' Bucket Head, which was maybe why I was buying him a drink. Went by the name of Armored Corps, which isn't the silliest bot I've ever met but wouldn't make the top ten either.
Anyway, he was an interesting story, an Autobot-turned-Predacon. Turns out he was the warden at Garrus-7, which is where the big bad Devil Gigatron was being oublietted. Only Gigigatron, see, he has no desire to spend the rest of his days locked in an 8x8x8. (Armored Corps only said 8x8, but I'm a star captain, I think three-dimensionally) He gets to chatting with the Autobots who run the prison, and it turns out there's a lot of dissatisfaction. There's all kinds of special protocols for holding these guys, which don't make any sense to A.C. but sound to me like the kind of thing you'd put in place if you had a particularly dangerous time or dimension jumper and you really, REALLY didn't want him getting out.
Turns out, A.C. is the guy who has to oversee these and they're a major pain in his butt. Devil Gigatron, he's got vision and charisma, and A.C. is stuck in a dead-end job. Long story short, pretty soon the whole prison staff is starting to see the beauty of the Predacon philosophy. (None for me, thank you. Protoformed a Decepticon, gonna die a Decepticon, though preferably a long long long time from now. What's the point of being practically immortal as a species if you're just gonna kick the old-fashioned way? But I digress.)
So, Between A.C. and Gigatron, they manage to convince four of the guards, collectively the Scoutforce, to come over to their side. A.C. also pulls in his second in command, Stealth Saber, and his Amica Endura slash vehicle combiner Victory Bomber. (Who together form the imaginatively named Stealth Bomber. Hey, don't blame me, I'm just the messenger.) But the trouble is, even with half the prison on their side, D.G. is still locked up tighter 'n Unicron's docking bay. (Which is really tight, let me tell you. Never thought I'd be able to break into there, much less out!)
D.G., he's always got an angle. He sends Stealth Bomber and Scoutjet to a very specific set of coordinates, deep within the Dark Nebula, where a powerful force called Devil Z was residing. S.B. & S.J. proceed to plead their case for their new master's release, and D.Z. is moved. Or has an agenda. Or whatever. Bingo, Devil Gigatron gets an upgrade and busts free. He's now Gigatron Z, and let the universe tremble. Blah blah blah. So the eight of them go on a new rampage, and only Fire Convoy and his men can stand in their way. You know, the usual. By this time I'd already gotten A.C. hammered enough to roll him pretty good, so I never heard the end of it. I assume the Preds got their skidplates handed to them and A.C. ended up here, but you never know.
Me, I'm smart enough to stay away from mysterious godlike entities. At least, when Primus or Time or Fate or Whatever gives me that option.
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
What all is the Transwarp Blaster capable of accomplishing?
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A: Omega Trion says I've barely scratched the surface with its potential. Apparently, it can "alter the fundamental properties of reality itself." Like, flibble with the gravitational constant, or make electromagnetism use the inverse cube rule, or make strong nuclear forces not so strong. Stuff like that.
Honestly, I mostly use it to make really big BOOMs. Though once I used it to invert a black hole and save an inhabited moon from oblivion. (Don't go getting ideas, I just happened to bond a little with the daughter of one of my business partners who lived there is all. It's not like I'm going around saving planets from rogue singularities. That's hardly behavior befitting a Decepticon star captain.)
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
Are you actually a Decepticon, or do you only wear the badge out of convenience?
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A: I dunno. Never thought about it. I mean, I'm no Autobot. Lesser lifeforms are just that, lesser, and I don't see any reason to suck up to their exhaust like Optimus and his merry band do. I value my freedom and independence too much to ever were the red & smiley. Of course, Decepticons ain't perfect neither. So, like I said, I dunno. Maybe?
October 28, 2015
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
Do you combine with anyone or otherwise have a 'pants' mode?
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A: Excuse me? I'm an accomplished ne'er-do-well space captain. I think my exploits have earned me a little more respect than to be chased around by bots trying to get into my 'pants' mode.
Q: Spacewarp's Log
Have you ever teamed up with other female Cybertronians?
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A: What, you mean besides my sistah-from-another-mistah Boom Tube? Sure, been known to happen.
All right, this one time, Thunderblast--You know Thunderblast? Clingy opportunistic vain chick? Good. This one time, I'm trying to steal the schematics to a Reciprocating Inverted Subspace Knife from a The Vault, in one of the many metropolises of Spensifax D. Or A? Maybe A. Anyway, I bump into Ransack, Crumplezone, and T.B. acting as goons for hire for the local mob boss. To protect the Vault! I'm like, perfect. 'Cons before dons, right? Ransack, though, he's got other ideas. He turns me in for the reward and I got a firefight on my hand. TB, though, she's not too happy about Ransack trying to make some scratch on the side and winds up on the run with me, both of us quibbling over who gets to wield the RISK.
We flew up and down the Spensifax system, dodging quasimatter asteroids, negotiating with the space yeti of Spensifax G's blizzard moon, outwitting the Chessmen of Spensifax F's game moon, and basically having a grand old time. In retrospect. At the time it was terrifying. I went from finding her annoying to appreciated her guile and resourcefulness. Who knows? Maybe she came to appreciate me a bit too. Long story short, I got away with the RISK and she patched things up with the moron bros. To the best of my knowledge, they're still bouncing from one planet to the next, always in search of their next big score.
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
What exactly is the Maelstrom Exchequer, and what does it do?
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A: Exactly what it sounds like, sweetie.
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
Know where a girl like me could get some employment in this city?
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A: You gotta ask? The Offworlder Zone is a powder keg, especially since half of the residents have realized there ain't no way home no more. It's chock-full of low-life scum, gangsters, peddlers, hoodlums, mobsters, thieves, businessbots, cutthroats, mercenaries, philosophers, pirates, knights, barons, dukes, devils, angels, demons, djinn, and any other kinda Transformer you can imagine. I don't know what your skillset is, but I guarantee you someone here will be willing to pay you for whatever makes you unique. May not be pleasant, but then that's why they call it "work" and not "party torus state."
- Q: I kinda like to take care of protoforms......
- Spacewarp's Log Nurturing type? I know a Bulkhead who's looking to expand his art school. Maybe you'd be able to teach the little guys music or circuit-su or something.
- Q: Music is nice! Eurythma Harmonies were my specialty back in Drouhard University!
- Spacewarp's Log Terrific! I'll put you in touch. You owe me one!
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
What do you know about the Decepticon legends of the Ultimate Warrior?
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A: I know from personal experience that it's a load of buffaloidscrap. See, I was hiding out from a nasty bounty hunter on Dykayra when I had the misfortune to stumble upon a cult of ancient Cybertronians, all venerating their living god The Ultimate Warrior. I was so busy watching the skies that I didn't think to watch the ground; they got the drop on me and the next thing I know my hands and feet are bound to a pole with trobulum cables and I'm marched up their ziggurat-dealie.
We get to the top and I meet the big cheese. Never stops ranting as I'm tied to their stone--yes, seriously, stone--altar. He had some pretty grandiose claims, said he was one of the original Thirteen Transformers and that I was to be sacrificed in his honor so he could drink my spark. The Keeper, the local #2, is about to plunge an energon knife right into my transformation cog when I demand to face their god in single combat. Gasps, then the inevitable hush descends. The Ultimate Warrior can't refuse without losing face, so we have to go mono e mono with everyone watching. I'll admit, he's good. Very good. Probably the fresh infusion of sparks from all their sacrifices over the years kept him on his toes, because his design was certainly a dozen or two million years out of fashion. Actually, kinda reminds me of Mr. Mysterious who I'm filling in for.
I realize that I can't win in a fair fight but, haha, I've never cared for those anyway. I grab the Keeper, threaten to chuck him off the tower minus an arm if the Ultimate Warrior doesn't back down. I can see in his optics that he has no intention of doing so... and so can the rest of his tribe. They turn on him lickety-split, and while he's trying to quell the local dissidence, I hightail it outta there in spaceship mode!
...only to run smack-dab into Fracture's vessel. Oops, forgot about him. But that's a story for another day.
October 29, 2015
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
Given the recent blackouts across the multiverse, aren't you afraid your reality no longer exists?
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A: What, is this the part of the feature where I open up and start sharing about my feelings?
Truth is, yeah, it's pretty terrifying. Part of me knows intellectually that sure, there's a whole 'nuther galaxy out there for me to explore, and I'm likely to find versions of my friends and associates. Another part of me, maybe irrationally, starts screaming "but it's not really them!" And I don't know. It looks like them, talks like them, but there are all these... little things, that are wrong. Sometimes big things.
Look, this isn't my first rodeo. I've jumped dimensions before. All I can say is, I hope everyone back home is doing ok. Even the scrapheads. And I'll try to do my best here, in the reality I find myself. Because you spend too much time thinking on this, your processor'll overheat and then where does that leave you?
Q: Dear Spacewarp's Log,
Have you ever encountered a fellow named Astrotrain? He looks a fair bit like you, and even has a similar group of Mini-Cons. What's up with that?
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A: Hey, don't ask me, I only work here. I suspect someone like VP or Rhinox would spout something like "quantum harmonic resonance" but me, I've seen a few realities and I think that maybe there's a higher power guiding us. Primus, The Core, The Big G, Time, Fate, the Quill... whatever name you give it, certain patterns, motifs, ideas, themes... they just seem to repeat. Some repeat a lot, some just a bit. But maybe this Astrotrain fellow and I are examples of that.
Or, ya know, maybe it's just a giant coinkidink.
Q: Dear Spacewarp's Log,
Have you ever encountered any Terrorcons?
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A: Let's see... oh, I know one. You ever hear of Serton? Lovely little planet, beautiful weather, friendly little cabana-bots happy to oblige any reasonable (and some not-so reasonable) requests. I was vacationing there after a little mishap on Tetra Gar, half lying low, half enjoying the sights.
I'd been in this quaint little village, Azurala, getting acquainted with the natives when rumors started spreading of locals getting kidnapped by monsters from the sea. They begged me to investigate and scraped together all of the polished shells they call currency to pay me. Truth be told, it was kinda adorable, in a pathetic kinda way.
So, my team and I set out, after we waterproof my ship mode, and it turns out there's the ruins of an underwater city about 300 miles off the coast, Sertlantia. It's been in tatters for centuries, until a lost Insecticon patrol crashed there. One of their numbers accidentally interfaced with the database that ran the city and merged with it, becoming Chromhorn. Looked just like the the others, only various shades of green. He's been sending out his Insecticons to raid the local villages for slaves, on account of he's trying to fix the ancient Sertlantians' Temporal Analysis & Replication Dampening Interference Subjugator. This machine could basically analyze all possible futures and allow you to choose which one you wanted, out of all possibilities. Crazy, right?
Anyway, for sure I can't let this guy have something so valuable--I mean dangerous--so we try to run off with it. There was a big thing with the Insecticons, I blew up a bunch but got captured. I tricked him into turning the machine on before it was ready and he got himself trapped in his own increasingly unlikely future. Sadly, the machine itself shook itself to bits, so I took all of the captives back to their local villages. They wanted to make me queen but it was about time to be moving on.
Funny coda to that story... one of the shells they gave me wasn't a shell at all, but a Sertlantian time window. Lets me look backwards in time in a certain location. The more impactful the event, the farther back I can view. That's gotten me outta more than one tight jam, let me tell you. I guess no good deed, amiright?
We interrupt your normal programming to bring you ANN's live coverage from the High Senate, where High Chancellor Optimus Prime is about to make an announcement.
https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/vb.664957846969522/742644142534225/?type=2&theater
Rook: Rook and Andromeda here, live at the High Senate building. We're just moments away from a press conference with High Chancellor Optimus Prime himself.
Andromeda: The subject has yet to be announced, but rumors abound that the government will, at long last, will fully acknowledge the Shroud.
Rook: I can only assume that ANN's tireless coverage of this disturbing phenomenon had some part to play in this announcement! And now we-
Andromeda: Wait, Rook, someone's coming-Yes, it's Optimus Prime, and someone's with him! It looks to be...yes, it is, it's Director Shockwave!
Rook: This is going to be big, folks!
Optimus Prime: My fellow Cybertronians, as many of you are aware, we have been experiencing an unexplained loss of contact with the rest of the multiverse. Certain elements within the government have attempted to limit access to this information, in an attempt to forestall panic, at least until our scientists had a better understanding of what transpiring. At my insistence, we shall no longer be pursuing that path.
Shockwave: Minister Rhinox and I have finished briefing the Senate as to the state of the multiverse. As of two solar cycles ago, Primax Cluster is no longer accessible to our quantum harmonic interferometers. The Primax Clusters make up nearly have the multiverse, and contain many of the most influential planes of existence.
Optimus: They were also the last clusters still accessible to our scientists; as long as we could still observe them, our ability to navigate the multiverse remained. Now, however, we are alone. The Shroud, as some have been calling it, has descended fully.
*cries from crowd*
Rook: Optimus! Op-Optimus! W-what does this mean for Axiom Nexus.
Shockwave: SILENCE!
*crowd stops talking.*
Optimus Prime: We are getting to that. The reaction in the Senate was much as it is here in the press, and no doubt among your audience; fear and uncertainty. However, what we learned next provided us with some small measure of hope in this dark hour. Shockwave?
Shockwave: Ever since this phenomenon began, Minister Rhinox and I have employed a variety of techniques to attempt to understand why our instruments were failing. The critical question was if the universes were disappearing, or if this was a mere curtailment of our ability to observe and travel to them. I am relieved to say, just this morning, we successfully made a brief contact with a Gargent reality from a two bot outpost, orbiting one of the most important reality stream, Gargent 1084.29 Alpha
*Crowd murmurs*
Optimus Prime: The implications of this new information are clear; it is now evident that the multiverse still exists, but the walls between realities have been strengthened somehow. With enough power, and the right time and place, signals can pass from one reality to the next. Minister Rhinox and Director Shockwave are already developing proposals to move us forward under the new constraints we find imposed by an unknown, and perhaps unknowable, cosmos.
Shockwave: There will be impacts in the daily life of everyone on Axiom Nexus, Most of our technology, from the smallest cyber-chip to the largest power generators, utilizes reality shifting in one capacity or another, and consequently, will no longer function reliably.
*audience murmurs*
Optimus: You have..probably already noticed the blackouts, and other service disruptions.
Andromeda: Now, our viewers thought that was due to the Waruder invasion.
Shockwave: That was our original hypothesis. It has since been dis-proven.
Optimus Prime: It is difficult for us to see all the myriad ways this brave new world shall impact us. Sacrifices will have to be made. To all in the Offworlder Zone, I especially ask your patience, as we explore what options are open to us. For those who wish to travel offworld, and have the capability of doing so, we shall be expediting visa processing, now that sending you to your home realities no longer seems to be an option.
*Cries and shouts*
I wish we had better news to share. Know that all available resources will be directed towards understanding the current multiversal landscape. Axiom Nexus has always prided itself on it's adaptability and technology. Now that much of the latter is denied to us, we fall back on the former. I have full confidence that, with Autobot and Decepticon, Maximal and Predacon, Protecton and Terrakor, Malignus and Guardian, human and Nebulon, and all other factions, creeds, and tribes pulling together, we shall overcome this new challenge.
*silence, then a couple of claps, then applause.*
Shockwave: We shall now take questions in an orderly fashion. *sigh* Yes, Rook?
Rook: Are you telling us that you still have no idea why the Shroud has descended upon us!?
Shockwave: The term "Shroud" is both melodramatic and inaccurate.
Rook: Uhh, you haven't answered my question
Shockwave: Well observed. Next?
Rook: *grumbling*
Shockwave: Yes, Andromeda?
Andromeda: Now, is there any way to retrieve our people from the outposts orbiting these distant realities?
Optimus Prime: We are doing everything we can to bring them home.
Shockwave: I believe this is a solvable problem, give adequate resources.
Rook: Oh! Oh! So this is just another excuse to raise taxes so the government can consume an ever-upward spiraling amount of our Energon and mineral wealth?!
Shockwave: No, the word "excuse" implies disingenuity. Our increased resource requirements are imposed upon us by outside factors beyond governmental control.
Optimus Prime: That is all the time we have.
*applause*
Rook: As Optimus says, it's a new world.
Andromeda: We are, for the first time in millions of stellar cycles, alone in the multiverse.
Rook: *clears throat* What does this mean for you watching at home? Only time will tell. Stay tuned to ANN to-
*sounds of portal opening*
Rook and Andromeda: Vector Prime!
Vector Prime: Yes, friends. I'm back. And I have quite the tale to tell.
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
Vector Prime is back? Is he going to be taking over the column again?
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A: Dunno. He's in with the chief right now. Me, I'm more jazzed about the idea of them expediting visas to get off-world travel. I figured I'd have to stow away or something, so being able to just fill out some forms and vamoose sounds pretty sweet to me. Especially with the rumors that Offworlders with conventional, non-multiversal means of FTL travel have suddenly become of great interest to Shockwave's little butcher squad. Color me happy that his main facility was blown up, lessin' lil' ol' me might wind up on a dissection table somewhere so he can figure out how I tick.
You hear that, Axiom Nexus? If yours truly goes missing, Shockwave is suspect A number 1.
ED: Vector Prime! Welcome back. We've certainly missed you.
VP: Thank you. It is a relief to be back.
ED: Tell me, you left under such mysterious circumstances, where did you go? What did you do?
VP: Old friend, I'm afraid I don't remember. Not much, in any event. It was like something out of a dream... it was me and a dozen others, and they were all my brothers and sisters. We had a great quest to fulfill...
ED: That sounds... incredible. I wonder if it ties into the Shrouding.
VP: The... the Shrouding?
ED: Yes. That's what Rook's calling it, anyway. The Multiverse was going dark. It was driving Rhinox crazy, and the leadership didn't know what to make of it.
VP: I think, very likely, they were related. I wonder if, indeed, it was me and my brethren that caused this Shrouding.
ED: Don't let Rook hear you say that, he already thinks you're far more than just the founder of the Minister of Higher Dimensional Sciences.
VP: Now, Chief, remember, Rhinox founded the Minister of Higher Dimensional Sciences. I was but a humble university professor.
ED: Humble nothing. You were his mentor. Many times he's credited you with the theoretical foundation of the Universal Stream classification system.
VP: 'Twas nothing but a mere abstraction before my prize student put it into effect.
ED: Regardless, we were lucky when you retired from academia and dimensional research to join us here at ANN. We've tried to keep your show going, but no one has your unique perspective. It'll be good to have you back.
VP: That is what I wanted to talk to you about, old friend. Rhinox has asked me to come by the Ministry post-haste. Given what you've told me, I suspect it has something to do with the Shrouding. If I'm needed elsewhere, I may be forced to lay down the responsibility of Ask Vector Prime.
ED: But, but you're our top show!
VP: I know it's hard. But times are difficult. Sacrifices must be made. Let me see what the Ministry needs. In the interim, it seems that you have found a capable guest host. Was that difficult?
ED: You don't know the half of it.
VP: I look forward to learning. As long as the forum was never used to promulgate malice, I am confident that you did an admirable job as steward of my legacy.
ED: ...
VP: Now, the time has come for me to take my leave of you.
ED: I understand. Do what you need to.
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
Could you tell us a story that you were involved in? Maybe with other Cybertronians?
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A: You not lookin' for specifics, dearie? I got a recent one for ya, here in Axiom Nexus. Local bouncer friend, goes by the name o' Treadbolt. She turns into a bulldozer and gots one o' the best right hooks you ever did see. For an Autobot, at least.
Anywhoose, she got an offer from a local crime boss. Goes by the name B'hgdad. Looks like that tin man from that old Earth movie, rusty and with a stench like you wouldn't believe. He's looking for something from some TT called Ego, apparently murdered in some spark swappin' incident. He had a big ol' personal collection of Macguffins and other powerful doo-dads from around the multiverse that's gonna get auctioned off, and B'hgdad's looking for 'is bird sculpture.
Treadbolt, she needs a little help getting past security and with some counterfeit work--her hands aren't 'xactly made for delicate carving. So we get in, she gets to biddin', while I sneak back and grab the birdie, puttin' the fake one in place. The whole thing went down easy. Way too easy. So, when we got the bird to the guy, he drops a bunch o' energon bonds on us, and put mode locks on our Mini-Cons. Apparently, he put a tracking chip on both us and the fake bird, and planned to lets us get handed over the authorities, who apparently he thought would just "let him have the bird sculpture for turning you in." And that's when I realized this guy don't exactly got the greatest o' minds. So, while he's busy talking with his goons, I modulate my vocal circuits, and open little transwarp portals to throw my voice 'round. Pretended I was the vengeful ghost of Pz-Zazz. While he's scared scrappless and his men are shooting all 'round at nothin', Treadbolt uses her opportunity and grabs the careless thug with the bond's remote, turns them off, and we proceed to beat the living tar out of everything in sight. By that time some Freelance Police members show up, and we turn the sod over to the OZSA.
As for the bird? "Lost" in the fight. Treadbolt seemed to think that I stashed it somewhere. Can you believe it? Moi? She still owes me one for roping me into the whole shebang, but I gotta admit, seein' the oil trickle down old B'hgdad's legs might just o' been enough.
- Q: Is this the Treadbolt you're talking about?
- Spacewarp's Log Woah, someone made a little doll of her? Wicked! She'll be stoked.
- Q: What was the name of Treadbolt's Mini-Con?
- Spacewarp's Log He's not HER Mini-Con, they're partners. Li'l dude's name is Hound.
October 30, 2015
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
Have you ever met Ramjet?
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A: Wowsers! There's a wackbag I was happy to see the back of.
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
You seem much more open to concepts involving the supernatural and spiritual than most Decepticons. Can you tell us more about any experiences that have helped shape your opinion of existence and the multiverse?
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A: You just hit the scraplet right on the head. Experience is why. I rolled off the metaphorical assembly line same as everyone else. The first time I met a ghost I dumped my kernel same as anyone else would. The thing is, you fly around the galaxy long enough, you see some scrap that'd turn Optimus Prime white, and I ain't talking Ultra Magnus.
I think my spiritual awakening happened on Tasmos. I was a much, much younger 'con then, naive as to the ways of the universe. I was a long-distance scout for Megatron back then, looking for a lost tribe of Mini-Cons who had fled the war. I'd already been on my own for tens of thousands of years, and was starting to doubt the orthodoxy. You don't scour the galaxy for rumors and whispers without picking up a few new subroutines, ya hear me?
Anyway, I'd heard that the debris field around Tasmos had some odd signals coming from it. I'm thinking, Mini-Con colony trying to hide their emissions? Worth following up on, anyway. I fly in and start doing thorough sensor sweeps. First odd thing is, I detect a bit of debris that's shaped like a Cybertronian skull-casing. I mean, not like you'd look up in the sky and see a cloud and be all "hey, that looks like a robo-chicken," I mean, "pit-damn, that hunk of flying garbage is a giant Cybertronian skull-casing!" So, me being stupid, er, brave, I fly directly to it. Nothing. That area of space is completely devoid of anything much larger than a free-floating hydrogen atom. Spooky. I start to wonder, maybe I've been out here too long and need to get my sensors re-calibrated, or possibly my imagination systems need a debugging.
I continue the sweeping. Three hours later, I pick up about three dozen Shi-Lai Kukri-class scouts, heading right towards me. I'm about 10 seconds away from turning tail and blasting the other direction when something stops me. I mean, sure, to engage would be suicide. But the whole thing stinks. Why would you attack with an armada of scouts, nasty though they may be? Scouts work best alone or in pairs. And the whole skull-casing thing is bugging me too, and they're coming from the same direction relative to my position. So again, I fly directly towards the danger. I'm waiting for them to get into visual range, confident that there will be nothing there. Imagine my horror when I actually get close enough to spot their fusion burners with my own optics and see something. For a sec I'm all, whelp, you rolled the dice and lost, may as well resign yourself. But then I think further and consider that, philosophically, there ain't all that much difference between my own optics and my sensor array. You can ghost one, you can ghost the other. So I keep charging forward, shields at maximum just in case my little theory turns out to be exhaust smoke.
I see three of them bearing down on me, the rest starting to move into englobulate me. Englobulate, is that a word? You get the idea. Encircle in three dimensions. Ensphere? They're closing in, 1500 miles, 1200, 900, 500, 200, and at this point I'm starting to realize I made the right call. No way they wouldn't have opened up on me. At 100 miles, practically close enough to smell their tritium, they break off but I'm having none of it. I revector directly at the closest one and we collide... or rather, we don't because as I'd suspected, they weren't there. Someone's playin' tricks on me.
I focus all my attentions on the area that something seems determined to keep me away from. There's nothing in that direction. But not normal space nothing, I mean like NOTHING nothing. No debris, no free-floating hydrogen, no radio waves, NOTHING. Suspiciously nothing. So I launch a probe towards the nothing and sure 'nuff, KA-PLAPPO! I fly to the same area, much more slowly and cautiously, and land on... nothing. The instant my feet magnetize to the surface, I can see I'm standing on an enormous space pyramid, gleaming white, bristling with antennas and dishes and scanners and greebling and whatsits. Looks super advanced. I make my way to an airlock, gun in hand (this was ages before I got my hands on the Transwarp Blaster), not sure what to expect to see.
What I do see is a transparent sphere, floating just inside the airlock, with a burgundy cape flapping behind it and an organic brain and spinal column floating within. Inside my processor, I hear its voice. "Welcome to Tetroladice, honored guest. I am Medulus." I'm suspicious, natch', but after Mr. Grey Matter gives me the grand tour, I start to warm up to him. His people abandoned their physical bodies ages ago, and wanted nothing to do with the rest of the universe. They built grand structures orbiting their home world, until they fell under assault by lesser beings, jealous of the evolved Tasmians. There was a great war, the superior technology of the disembodied Tasmians against a large alliance of petty warlords who wanted their technology. Eventually their planet was scorched and the Tasmian megastructures smashed and broken. The remaining Tasmians retreated behind a wall of illusion, and remained so for hundreds of thousands of years. They were impressed with my bravery and perceptiveness, and begged me to keep their secret. I promised to do so, and I have, because I've changed the names and locations just in case the wrong ears are tuned into this broadcast. But meeting the Brain People of Tasmos was definitely an eye-opener for me, teaching me that the galaxy is a bigger place than I ever suspected.
And then there were the upgrades they did to my systems... but let's not go into them. A gal's gotta keep some secrets.
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
Wou look like Jetifre! You know?
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A: Sweetie, body types don't mean anything. I can assure you I'm much more stylish than that fawning Autobot.
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
Does Cybertron have any video games or anything comparable to a computer based interactive entertainment medium and if so can you name a few you have played?
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A: Of course. We have everything from little pixel-based games to full-blown simultronics. Me, I prefer my entertainment reality-based. A nice, hard intoxicant, a nice, hard companion, and a nice, hard night on town are way better than disappearing into your own head. But, then, hey, takes all kinds, I don't judge.
- Q: I'd take you out! ;D
- Spacewarp's Log You couldn't keep up.
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
What's the most boring job you ever had to grind through?
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A: That's a terrible question and you should feel bad for asking it. I mean, how can I answer without boring you? Yeah, I've had tedious assignments, long stretches of guard duty where no one shows up, or weeks spent researching some artifact to find/procure/buy/steal that turned up empty. But by definition, these are the jobs that didn't have any kind of excitement or payoff. So, how about we stick to the interesting bits, ok?
October 31, 2015
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
Who is your number one enemy?
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A: Number one? Pit, that's a tricky one. I've tangled with Cannonball and Vector Prime before, and they're each pains in my skidplates in their own ways. But they have their good points too. Ramjet is a real spawn-of-a-glitch, I've got nothing nice to say about him. At all. And then there are the non-Cybertronians. Plenty have crossed my path, though only a few seem to keep popping up: Empress Lilliopath of the Nano-Spawn; Polterninja, the undead master of martial arts; Diabolicus and the Assassin Synod; and Goliath the Living Asteroid. But none of them feels quite right.
OOoooh! Oo. I know. My number one enemy... myself. Because 9 times outta 10, if I'm in trouble, I put myself there. Is that too cheeseball?
- Q: I thought you liked vector prime
- Spacewarp's Log Don't get me wrong, he has his moments. But we've clashed more than once. You might say it's complicated.
Q: Spacewarp's Log
Those long gaps between the Armada and Powerlink conflicts, and the Powerlink War and the Unicron Singularity - what did you get up to in the downtime?
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A: Well, since I wasn't really directly involved in any of those, I pretty much carried on carrying on. Plenty of memorable encounters there. Maybe my favorite was when I first met Dinosaur Ace.
I was hired by the people of Chakar to prevent an invasion from their suddenly warlike neighbors, the Rolikin. Not my normal thing, but Omega Trion said he had foreseen that this would be important for me. Sure enough, the Rolikin were marching around, riding on grackback, overrunning the whole sector. Loneedo and Nibari had already fallen, leaving just Chakar and S'elar.
I went to Roliak to see what caused this peaceful species to go Full Megatron all of the sudden. That's whete I first encountered Dinosaur Ace. He was easily the best fighter pilot I'd ever met, flying around in a modified Curtiss P-40 Warhawk. Professor Puma had sent him and his sidekick, the neophyte sorcerer Gorilla Ambrosius, to defend S'elar, which explained how they'd held out. Me not being up on my Earth history, I hadn't recognized that the Rolikin leader Ghengis Nahk and her Lognom hordes were suspiciously similar to a similar group from human history. Someone had taken DNA from an old Earth conqueror and spliced it into the ordinary Roliak natives, magically creating the roving bands of space riders overrunning the sector.
Rather than try to face things head-on, (because neither of was daft enough to take on a whole planet) we looked for the power BEHIND the throne. We did some detective work and traced the whole thing to the nefarious Prince Diabolicus of the Assassin Synod. I'd crossed swords with this org before, barely escaping with my life, so I knew this was serious. Dinosaur Ace just laughed and made some quip, and I think I couldn't help but fall in love with him a tiny bit when he did. We entered the belly of the beast.
Things got hot fast. D.A. engaged the Synod's Massacre Master, Space Warhawk against Magotronic Messerschmidt. I dodged and weaved through the Crypt of Reflection, trying to stop Diabolicus from putting a lightning round through my cranium. What the Synod didn't know was that we didn't have to win, just buy Gorilla Ambrosius enough time to reverse their Chrono-Hex on the people of Roliak. Once he did that, the rampaging Lognom returned to normal and there was once again balance in the J'kozian sector.
I asked Omega Trion why this was so important? I didn't get any new artifacts, and the energon the Chakar coughed up was hardly worth the expenditure and risk. He just twinkled in his enigmatic way and told me that allies were worth more than wealth. Maybe that old mystic was onto something, because not ten years later I bumped into Dinosaur Ace again, on Rigel VI, during The Mummy Mechs of Dimension 12 incident.
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
You (and your friend Treadbolt) are quite... erm... blocky for a fembot. Were you protoformed like that?
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A: Wow, rude much?
I'll have you know plenty of mechs prefer a bot with a little junk in the trunk. The two of us and a femme named Strika (another larger gal, I'm sure not your type) hit the town just the other night and we got plenty of attention.
- Q: You're awesome Spacewarp!
- Spacewarp's Log I know it!
Q: Spacewarp's Log,
Between dimension jumping and the Offworld Zone, what's weirder: running into other versions of yourself, or running into a universe's Spacewarp who is completely different?
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A: I'll let you know when it comes up. I like think I'd get along with me, but then I'm wondering if I might stab myself in the back for a few shanix. Hard to know 'till it happens.
Say, that reminds me of the time I met the Clonemasters of Tharkoros II? Hot planet, smothering atmosphere loaded with CO2 and ammonia and other pleasant compounds. I was tracking a fugitive A'ovan warlord named Pya'dorus the Pitiless, and had reason to believe he had gone to ground here. Sure enough, I found him... or, rather, a copy of him. He had made a deal with a species living in the swamps of Tharkoros II to make thousands of duplicates of himself, with the intent of returning to Na'conda (his stomping grounds) and grinding it into dirt. I'm not sure a knock-off is gonna win my my bounty, and besides the dupes have microchips in them to ensure their loyalty to the original, so I had to sneak into the Clonemasters' high sanctum and grab the original. I mean, I'm tough, real tough, and a lot bigger than the Clonemasters or the A'ovan xeroxes, but they have nasty twistspace shotguns that I ain't particularly eager to feel the sting of.
Anyway, I get there, and, WHAT A TWIST, they've spotted me and made a clone of me. Looked identical, except she's got different coloration; white torso, blue legs and arms. Kinda anemic, actually. We get into a tussle, and Pya'dorus is laughing and taunting me, operating the other me by remote. So I pretend to lose the fight, and the clone is standing over me, about to crush my cranial module, and Pya'dorus' ego is so big he thinks he can run me better than I can run me so it doesn't strike him as odd. Her fists come down and I dodge at the last second, and boom, she's wrecked the master cloning apparatus. She goes inert, and Pya'dorus' mini-mes suddenly get full self-awareness and volition. To a man, each and every one starts trying to make himself top dog, and the Clonemasters have no idea what hit 'em.
I grab the sputtering wannabe dictator and go to leave. The Clonemasters are all howling about how I've wrecked their society, and I'm all, "hey, maybe next time don't go making evil dicator clones. It's not, you know, healthy. Or keep doing it, whatever. It's your call."
I wonder how things turned out for 'em.
What's up my peeps? Who has two thumbs and just got approved for off-world travel? This gal!
Looks like Mr. High Chancellor was serious about expediting off-world visas. I think they're starting to have grave worries about the folks in the Offworlder Zone, now that they can't send us home. The safety valve has stopped up and they're doing what they can to keep things from blowing up. Anyhoos, it's been a laff chillin' with ya here at Ask Vector Prime. Time to see what this galaxy has to offer a gal with a winning attitude, powerful blaster, and a tricky processor.
It's been real!
