THE OFFICE: PROM NIGHT

by
Pete McKeown

339-221-1448
pete.mckeown1@gmail.com
143 Playstead Rd., Medford,
MA, 02155
INT. COLD OPEN - OFFICE - DAY
MICHAEL struts confidently into the office wearing an
oversized West Scranton High School Varsity Football jacket,
with a piece of paper with the name "Big Mike #1" crudely
taped over the real owner's name. A Discman is blaring the
opening theme to "Saved By the Bell" from his budget,
old-school headphones. PAM perks up when he enters,
incredulous at this surprising start to what she thought
would be a boring Monday.
PAM
Hi Michael, nice jack...
MICHAEL
(yelling)
Hey Pamma wamma ding dong! Check
the threads!
Thinking he's in a whisper, he sings a line from the song.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
And my dog ate all my homework
last night.
PAM
What are you listening to? I think
the volume is too lo…
MICHAEL
I see you're mouth moving, but I
can't hear you! This is the
Best…Mix…Ever!
Michael then walks to his office, spinning in and slamming
the door shut in one motion. The people in the room
exchanges glances, listening to him hum the song as he
enters his office.

EXT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - DAY

Camera spies Michael playing guitar with his leg and singing
loudly.
MICHAEL
It's alright, cuz I'm saved by the
bell!
 2.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
I have compiled the opening themes
from all my favorite TV shows. Got
all the major classics: Cheers,
MASH, Friends, 90210, Dawson's.
And there's the theme from Batman,
a personal childhood slash college
favorite of mine. Full House is on
here too because let's be serious,
who didn't love Full House? I
always thought the Olson twins
were so hot on that show. They're
18 now, I checked, so I can say
that legally. Big mix for a big
day.
The cameraman gestures to the jacket.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
Oh my jacket, that's mine? I just
found it with some of my things
from the good ol' varsity days.
The silence causes him to fidget; he can feel that the
cameraman doesn't buy it.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
I went to a High school prom this
weekend…annnnd I stumbled upon it
on the way out. Someone must have
forgot it.
The silence is deafening for Michael. He's whispering now.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
No don't look at me like that, I
didn't steal it, I found it…and,
I'll eventually return it.
He's very red-faced now, unable to hold his secret in.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
I guess you could say…I borrowed
it…permanently.
END OF COLD OPEN
 3.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - DAY
Michael is beaming at his desk in his jacket.
MICHAEL
Jan has been worrying about
relating to children, and since
she's too fat...pregnant, to work
a real job, she's been substitute
teaching.

EXT. SCRANTON HIGH SCHOOL - NIGHT

Camera from prom night spies Michael and Jan as they park
and walk into the gymnasium at the high school. Michael is
wearing a normal tux with a powder-blue cumber bun and Jan
is very pregnant, basically wearing a moo-moo.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
...She invited me to the West
Scranton Junior Semi-Formal to
chaperone. It was awesome,
because I finally got to go to
prom. With a girl.
Camera spies Michael dragging Jan into a picture; she only
takes one, one more than she wanted, so she leaves Michael
to solo shots. He takes multiple, hilarious pictures by
himself, arguing with the photographer and deciding on
ridiculous choices for facial expressions and backgrounds.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Got some very professional glamour
pictures taken; Jan left after the
first one but I got my money's
worth, so I have some by myself
that I may or may not submit to a
model agent.
Camera spies Michael attempting to talk to a group of jocks;
they laugh at him. He makes friends with the nerdy student,
chatting it up with them for most of the night.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Talked for awhile with a bunch of
the cool athletic kids and made
fun of the Dwight's and Toby's of
the class.
Camera at prom shows Michael awkwardly trying to dance with
Jan, adjusting to hold her despite her huge stomach. He is
side-straddling her when he goes in for a kiss, leaning
across her body. She pulls away and he falls hard to the gym
floor.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Also, Jan and I slow danced to "I
Swear" by One 4 All; yeah, I
showed her my moves and we
made-out…it was like that movie
Juno.
 4.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - DAY
He leans back in his chair and adjusts his collar.
MICHAEL
It's fun being popular.
FADE OUT.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Michael is walking to the kitchen, clad in his jacket.
DWIGHT approaches immediately.
DWIGHT
Michael! Great jacket! Preserved
cowhide sleeves, you're so cool.
MICHAEL
Zip it Dwight. The sleeves are
leather, not cowhide.
DWIGHT
Leather is cowhide, Michael.
ANDY seizes his opportunity to step into the conversation.
ANDY
Dwight, you heard Big Mike; cram
it ok? Don't bother the BMOC
(bee-mock).
MICHAEL
Yes, Dwight, go study at the libes
or something, nerd. Andy, exactly
what's a BMOC?
ANDY
Big Man on Campus. Big nickname
for Big Mike.
Michael looks at camera, smiles approvingly to the nickname
and slides into the kitchen.
ANDY TALKING HEAD
ANDY
My nickname to my brothers at
Cornell was BMOC. Pretty cool,
right? Someone told me at the
five-year reunion that it actually
stood for "Bernard, Masturbator of
Cornell," but there's no way
people could know I actually did
it that much, so I highly doubt
that rumor.
STANLEY TALKING HEAD
STANLEY
Bleeping moronic office
controller.
 5.
INT. BREAK ROOM - DAY
JIM is sitting in the kitchen, eating some cereal. Michael
comes in, grabs a string cheese, and sits down with him.
MICHAEL
Jim, Sup? I see you're having
b-fast at work…nice.
JIM
Yep.
MICHAEL
Went to Scranton High's junior
semi-formal on Sat. NBD. That's
no big deal, in case you can't
keep up.
JIM
Why are you talking like that?
And, more importantly, what's with
the new jacket?
MICHAEL
I just got an AOL screen name so
I'm getting used to the lingo and
I found this jacket in my closet;
figured I'd bring it back to
remind me of the glory days.
JIM
Wow, it was in the closet all
those years, huh? It looks so
brand new. What happened here?
Jim reaches to touch the makeshift patch on the sleeve, but
Michael jumps back nervously.
MICHAEL
Don't touch that! The stitching
wore out, so this patch is only
temporary. NWIM?...Know what I
mean? Forget it, too slow.
JIM
It's funny though, because I've
never heard you talk about your
football days. What position did
you play?
MICHAEL
Yeah, Pigskin! I was a
Lineman…backer. A linebacker.
JIM
Wow, that's impressive. You must
have caught a ton of passes.
MICHAEL
IDK the exact number; I probably
had a good…Yeah, I'd say a good
dozen or so TD's. Lots of diving
one-handers.
 6.
JIM
Weird, because, I swore
linebackers didn't catch many
passes, being on defense. So you
must have went both ways?
MICHAEL
Yeah, Jim, sure, I played both,
whatever. I GTG though, I have an
office to run; I'll TTYL.
JIM
So let me get this right; you came
out of the closet, with this
jacket, and when you wear it, you
tend to go both ways?
MICHAEL
Yeah fine, but I don't know what
you're getting…
Michael's face changes mid-sentence as he realizes Jim's
joke.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
OMG, Jim!
He jumps from his chair and storms out.
JIM
(to camera)
LOL.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
I wish I had the Internet when I
was in high school. I pulled my
fair share of honeys, don't get me
wrong, but the Internet woulda
made me like…second to Wilt
Chamberlain. I now have AOL
screename; it's DundyStud, and I'm
also a proud member of some brand
new upstart called
Facebook...ladies are going to
flock to this guy.
Michael turns his monitor around, showing one of the funny
pictures he took at prom.

INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - DAY

Jim is eavesdropping through the crack of Michael's door.
JIM
Ok, I have good news and great
news.
PAM
Ummm, I'll go good, then great.
 7.
JIM
The good news is that we are going
to prank Michael. He and Jan
chaperoned a Scranton High Prom
and that jacket is definitely
stolen from someone on the
football team. It has to happen.
PAM
Oh wow. I knew I had a reason to
come to work today. Game face?
On.
She is smiling, but covers her face, then pulls her hands
away and has an immediate, serious look.
PAM (cont'd)
The great news?
JIM
One word. Two syllables. Facebook.
PAM
That's amazing. Let's find his
page right now; I already have
Facebook up.
She looks right into the camera embarrassingly.
PAM (cont'd)
I barely even have a page; I just
like to look at pictures and
stuff.
JIM
Stop stalking about it and look it
up.
PAM
Haha, whatever work is
borin...God, look at this picture!
I think he's actually serious.
JIM
"Interests: being the glue of
Dunder Mifflin, The ladies,
performing stand-up, crisp bacon,
and directing music videos." A
wide variety, very revealing and
truthful. I see his relationship
status is "It's complicated" as
well. What a complex man.
PAM
Favorite Quotes: "That's what she
said!" and he put himself as the
author. I didn't know he invented
that. The other quote? "You're the
best boss we've ever seen." Wow,
the author for this? Everyone who
has worked under him. Funny, I
don't remember saying that.
 8.
JIM
We need a full proof plan; this
prank needs to be epic. I mean,
Pam, he hasn't even friended you
yet.
PAM
(getting soft)
I don't know, Jim, we might
actually hurt him this time. I
think he's in like his 4th midlife
crisis.
Michael bursts out of his office, smiling, still wearing the
jacket. He addresses the entire office cheerfully.
MICHAEL
Alright, people. Corporate called
and said we need to do some team
building today.
PAM
Umm, all calls come through me and
nobody called from corporate.
MICHAEL
They told me personally, Pam, on
my celly, via text message. So,
today we'll be having an exercise;
our very first, annual Dunder
Mifflin Scranton Branch Prom!
Entire office erupts; some are happy and some are ticked
off. Pam looks at Jim angrily.
PAM
(Mouthing words)
It's on.
KELLY TALKING HEAD
KELLY is overexcited and clapping in the kithcen.
KELLY
Yayyyyy. I went to 2 proms in my
junior year and another 3 my
senior year! 2 formal Bah
Mitzvahs…A Debutante Ball...and
every year on Halloween, I go out
in a wedding dress. I am always
ready for this exact situation.
She walks over to the sink and picks up a very nice mirror
with lights around the edge and a makeup kit, hidden
underneath in an obscure cabinet.
KELLY (cont'd)
And, I have 2 emergency dresses in
my car! Yaaayyy prom!
 9.
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - DAY
JIM
So, you're telling me that
corporate asked you to do this;
the first day following a weekend
where you went to a prom. Complete
coincidence?
MICHAEL
Yes Jim, don't kill the messenger.
Also, corporate said we have to
vote for an office prom king. Any
man, with the possible exception
of Oscar, is eligible to win.
DWIGHT
Michael, I would be glad to assist
in the voting. I know all
standard-election procedures, and
I will enforce the laws of the
voting booth with an iron fist!
MICHAEL
Dwight, I can handle it. You'll
only nerd up my day.
Michael sees that PHYLLIS has her hand in the air; he
angrily points to her.
PHYLLIS
What about prom queen? Do we get
to vote for that too?
MICHAEL
Actually Phyllis, not that it
really pertains to you, corporate
has said they want the new king to
handpick his queen to be fair...to
the sanctity of the monarchy. They
have asked me personally to
oversee all the voting, so I will
be coming around momentarily.
Luckily, Toby isn't here to ruin
the festivities.
The entire office looks over at HOLLY.
HOLLY
Well, as long as we take a shorter
lunch and stay low on the
spending, I think it could be a
really good idea to have a little
fun.
Holly makes eye contact with Michael and they share a smile.
STANLEY TALKING HEAD
STANLEY
I'm very excited for the dumb
dance we're having tonight. Now,
there's no chance I'll get caught
leaving early. As if I cared.
 10.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
I never like to show my emotion in
front of the peons out there; but
I am always excited for a chance
to gain absolute power in the
office. Growing up, my class had
the same 9 children from
kuntergarten to 12th stage. There
were originally 11 students but
two of the weak links succumbed to
typhoid fever early on, real
shame, but my Darwinian instinct
let me rise to the top like the
yeast my mother made me for
snacks.
He shows pictures of himself posing with a crown woven with
beet plants, wearing traditional countryside garb in front
of his entire class; all are emotionless in the picture.
DWIGHT (cont'd)
I was voted beetroot king of my
class. This, of course, was a
major honor, because I cemented my
childhood goal of being the
superior being of my classroom
hierarchy. Now? I hope I can find
a date.
He looks longingly out of the window at Angela. He sees that
the camera has spied him doing so and he disappears out the
door.

INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - DAY

MICHAEL
Ok, party planning...
Phyllis and ANGELA perk up, then give each other evil looks.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
I'll be taking care of all the
arrangements, sorry Phyllis and
Angela but this needed a man's
touch. After all, prom is like a
wedding; it's all about the man,
not the woman...I brought some
decorations, but we need
entertainment and I don't have
much coin to make that happen. Any
ideas? Stanley, know any rappers?
Stanley ignores him, keeps reading a magazine.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
Kevin, Scrantonicity up for a gig?
KEVIN responds, upset by the snub. His anger lasts about a
millisecond.
 11.
KEVIN
It's Scrantonicity 2! And no, I'm
going to have a date so I need to
focus on getting…you know.
He starts giggling and puts up his fist to OSCAR for a
pound, but is left hanging.
KEVIN TALKING HEAD
KEVIN
Hehehe. I have always wanted to
use craiglist to get an escort and
now I have the perfect legal
alibi, a prom. I'd try E-Harmony,
but I'm looking go past first base
tonight.
OSCAR TALKING HEAD
OSCAR
I was too embarrassed about my
sexual orientation in high school
to bring a guy to prom. Now I'm
too embarrassed about my
co-workers to bring a guy here.

INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - DAY

CREED stands up to offer his services, though he's looking
particularly devious.
CREED
Michael, I'll be a team player and
perform; just gotta run home and
get my guitar.
MICHAEL
Creed, ok, just don't make it old
people music. I don't want like...
Rod Stewart stuff. Except maybe
Maggie May. Or that one about
having a sexy body. Ok, let's do
this people!

INT. OFFICE - ANGELA'S DESK - DAY

Dwight is standing next to a pillar close to Angela's desk,
pretending to tie his shoe. Pam eavesdrops as Dwight talks
without looking at Angela.
DWIGHT
I would be humbled if you would do
me the honor of attending
tonight's festivities as my
significant other.
ANGELA
Dwight, you know how I feel about
public displays of affection.
Privacy is of the utmost
importance.
 12.
DWIGHT
But Angela, I have…strong stomach
convulsions when I think of you
and I perform at only 95 percent
capacity when I look in your
vicinity.
ANGELA
That is very sweet, but it's my
final decision. End of
conversation.
DWIGHT
As you wish.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Normally, I am a major advocate of
cloak and dagger activity. I could
perform clandestine, dangerous
tasks for the CIA right now, no
questions asked, like any highly
trained professional. It's hard to
do that with Angela because my
only objectives, are, well
difficult to disguise.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - DAY

Michael is sitting in his office, still in his jacket. Jim
enters for phase one of his prank.
MICHAEL
Hey Mr. Downer, come to be more of
a playa hata? Don't hate the
playa, hate the game. "What is a
game, who got game, where's the
games, for life, behind a game
inside a game." Snoop Doggy Dog
singing in He's Got Game. A Spike
Lee joint.
JIM
Public Enemy. I'm actually here to
ask a quick question about... that
big plant you have there behind
you. I'm looking to buy some
shrubbery myself, and, well I'm
sure you know, but you have
impeccable taste.
MICHAEL
Why thank you Jim, I take pride in
my nature.
Michael swivels around to examine the plant and thoughtfully
explain it to Jim. As he turns around, Jim locates the
thermostat on the wall and turns it up to 92 degrees.
MICHAEL
If I'm not mistaken Jim, I believe
this is a rather exotic plant, of
the Eucalyptus species. Now, I'm
(MORE)
 13.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
not sure of its origin but my
botanical prowess leads me to
believe it's in the family of the
Serengeti, so…
JIM
That's great Michael, thanks so
much. I'll make sure to check it
out, huge help.
Jim backs out of the room quickly, smirks at the camera.
MICHAEL
I have no idea what that plant is
and he totally bought it. I am so
on today! This jacket is my lucky
charm.

INT. OFFICE - KELLY'S CUBE - DAY

KELLY
(on phone)
I've been on hold for almost a
half hour. What's the hold up?
PRISON VOICE
(male voice)
Your son will be right with you,
ma'am. Getting him from Central
Lock Up...(Sit down, pretty boy.)
Ok, here he is.
RYAN
Hello, mom?
KELLY
It isn't your mom, silly, it's me.
RYAN
Who is this? Kelly?
KELLY
Wow, you knew! That's so us. I
was just wanted to see how you
were doing. I was wondering if
you maybe wanted a visitor? I
know things ended badly, but I'm
here for you if you need it.
RYAN
I can't believe I'd say this, but
that sounds nice. I'm not doing
so well in here, Kelly. I could
use a friend, any friend. These
days, I feel like everyone's
abandoned me…
KELLY
(Laughing)
You thought I was serious. I was
calling to tell you I'm getting
all dolled up to go to a company
dance tonight with Daryl. Enjoy
(MORE)
 14.
KELLY (cont'd)
captivity, Ryan. You messed with
the wrong lady.
RYAN
You are an absolute psycho! I'm in
frigan prison and you pull this?!?
I can't believe you have the
audac...
KELLY
Don't drop the soap! Bye sweetie!
Kelly hangs up, looks at camera, and smiles like that was
completely normal. Holly is on the other side of her,
listening in horror from her desk.
HOLLY TALKING HEAD
Holly is whispering in the kitchen, vigilant of Kelly's
presence.
HOLLY
I wouldn't wish Kelly on my worst
enemy. I saw a movie last week
about a serial killer, and she's
definitely more cold-blooded than
that guy.
Kelly walks in, gets a snack, smiles, then walks out.
HOLLY (cont'd)
That was so close. You don't think
she heard me, do you? God, I hope
not. She frightens me.

INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTANT'S CORNER - DAY

Kevin is looking at his computer with a phone in his hand.
KEVIN
"49 year old Milf with a wild side
…will do anything, filming
included." Woah, she's the one.
Please, Lord, let her answer.
Kevin dials the number. In the background, you can hear a
cell phone ringing. It rings for awhile and Kevin hangs up.
The camera spies MEREDITH as she answers her cell phone,
then pans back to Kevin.
MEREDITH (OS)
Hello?
KEVIN
I bet she was a hotty.

INT. CREED'S CABIN - DAY

Creed is in a shady party of Scranton, off in the woods at a
well-hidden cabin.
 15.
CREED
One of the many properties I
frequent. This one is owned by a
friend of mine…Paul Internuval, a
French-Canadian locksmith.
He shows a passport with that name, but with Creed's
picture; like the alias he has for all his debt.
CREED (cont'd)
Notice a resemblance?
Creed enters his cabin and starts rummaging around for his
guitar. The room is a sight; one side of the it is littered
with hundreds of folders and pieces of paper and, in the
middle of the room, there are multiple bath tubs set-up to
distill hard liquor. There is a noticeable haze in the air.
CREED (cont'd)
In case you can't tell by the set
up, I am a distiller of liquor.
Got various types of booze in
here; my concoction of the month
is a blend of distilled grapes and
rice, bringing together the
serenity of a Tuscan Villa and the
severity of a Pacific Rim POW
camp; I call it, the Time Machine.
It's basically glorified grain
alcohol; stay in this room too
long, and you'll never smell
anything again. I had a few jigs
of this elixir last week…woke up
in the middle of an Amish church,
in a 15-person orgy, thinking it
was 1968.
He takes a quick shot from a flask and walks out with his
guitar and amp.
CREED (cont'd)
Party time.
END OF ACT ONE
 16.
INT. OFFICE - ANGELA'S DESK - DAY
A confident Andy approaches Angela at her desk.
ANDY
Hey Angel…a. You're looking very
perfect today. I figured I'd shoot
my former fiancé an invite to the
prom before I got snatched up;
I'll get you a corsage. What do ya
say?
ANGELA
I'm afraid I can't accept at this
time...That's all, you can leave.
ANDY TALKING HEAD
ANDY
I learned while I was at Cornell
that pickup lines are the windows
to a girl's soul. Having been
single for the majority of my
life, they have remained the
mainstay in my arsenal of love and
are nearly as trusty as Cupid's
own arrows.

INT. OFFICE - ANGELA'S DESK - CONTINUOUS - DAY

ANDY
The alphabet is the worst because
it didn't put you and I together.
ANGELA
I have an alphabetical question
about a crossword clue I'm working
on. It's four letters, and the
definition is "the most annoying
person ever". It begins in an –A
and ends in –Y.
ANDY
Umm…hold on, I'm really good at
crosswords…
ANGELA
It begins in an A and ends in a Y.
ANDY
Ahhh, I know this. I'm so close!
MICHAEL (OS)
That's what she said!
ANDY
Arby! I hate that guy's damn
restaurant too, gave me explosive
diarrhea just last month! And you
said we don't have a connection!
Andy smiles and leaves. Angela stares angrily at the camera.
 17.
ANGELA TALKING HEAD
ANGELA
I only let Andy near me before to
make a certain someone else
jealous. He no longer serves that
purpose, so I wish he would just
disappear. But not like a
magician. Magicians come back.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - DAY

Michael is in his office still wearing his trusty
jacket…sweating profusely and leaving a voicemail.
MICHAEL
Hey Jan, it's Michael. I've called
a few times now and wrote on your
facebook wall. You said last night
that you'd come to my office today
for our prom. You really gotta
pick up because I have a rep to
uphold and I want to be able to
make fun of the people who don't
have dates. Jan, pick up, pick up?
Nothing has ever been more
important. Bye.
He hangs up the phone and slinks back into his chair.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
Not good. I'm nervous! And I'm
sweating profusely. Jesus, my
phone looks like it just went
swimming. I need to re-hydrate.
He takes off the jacket, surveys the massive armpit stains
and leaves the office. As the door is closing, Jim slides in
very stealthily. He immediately checks the real name on the
jacket. He also notices an envelope on Michael's desk that
says "Prom King" on the front and looks in its contents,
smiles and shoots a mischievous look to the camera. He then
turns the heat down, shushes the cameraman and slowly backs
out. As the door's about to close, Michael walks back in,
obvlivious to Jim's maneuvers. He puts on the jacket and
shoots out the sleeves before pulling out a flip out comb to
fix his hair.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
Time to rock the vote!

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Michael is addressing the entire room again. They are
mildly interested.
MICHAEL
Ok, vote time! Let's keep it to
males in the office who actually
should have a chance to win,
please.
 18.
He points and nods towards Kevin and Oscar.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
I will be walking around and
distribute these pieces of
beautiful Dunder Mifflin paper.
Write down a first name, and your
voice will be heard! Any of the
ladies wants to count the votes?
Pam raises her hand immediately like a diligent student.
PAM
I will!
MICHAEL
Pam! Thanks! The winner will be
crowned at the dance. Good luck to
all, and God bless the monarchy.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
I've infiltrated the monarchy's
corrupt infrastructure. I have
inside information about the
voting system and my drawing
ability should make forging a few
names a pretty simple task. The
only question is, who do I want to
win?

INT. PARKING LOT - DAY

Creed is tuning his guitar behind the building, with an
unlit cigarette in his mouth. He looks drunk; his appearance
and tone of voice is reminiscent of the 1960's.
CREED
First real gig in some 30 years
for me, not since the days when I
was cruising the asphalt dream
with a half a tank of gas and a
pocket full of dust with my band,
Apostle's Creed.
He lights up his cigarette smoothly, taking a long first
drag. He starts free-styling with his guitar.
CREED (cont'd)
I'll start off a little fast, then
slow it done just a little bit for
the lovers out there. It's going
to blow people's minds. Hold that
thought, I gotta go sign an
autograph.
Creed turns and walks to the wall starting to urinate.
CREED (cont'd)
My John Hancock.
 19.
INT. OFFICE - KELLY'S CUBE - DAY
Kelly is doing her makeup at her desk. The light-up, concave
mirror magnifies her face to see every minute detail.
Michael closes in to get her vote.
MICHAEL
Hey Kelly, time for you to do
something you'd never be able to
do back home.
He hands her the piece of paper, he hasn't seen her face
yet.
KELLY
I'm American, Michael; and people
from India have more rights than
you think They can vote!
Michael jumps back frightened after he sees her magnified
face in the mirror.
MICHAEL
Woah, mata hari!
KELLY
What?!?
MICHAEL
I said, "Woah, me so sorry." You
look…awful…ly pretty for the prom.
KELLY
Michael, you're making me blush.
MICHAEL
I'm sure that's just the makeup.
He reaches for her vote gingerly and backs away.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Andy finds Angela in the kitchen as she pouring a glass of
water.
ANDY
Hey Angela, whatcha doin?
ANGELA
Getting water.
ANDY
Wow, that is very peculiar because
I'm getting water too! The
connection between us; it's so
tangible. Let's rekindle that
flame.
ANGELA
How many times do I have to say
no?
Andy contemplates a number in his head, she flips.
 20.
ANGELA
That was a rhetorical question!
Leave me alone!
Angela storms out of the kitchen, leaving Andy alone,
stunned. He tucks his tie into his shirt, leans over the
faucet, and slurps up a few sips of water very loudly and
sloppily.
ANDY TALKING HEAD
ANDY
I don't get it; I'm an absolute
catch! I am done with that woman;
time to let someone else feast on
the Andy Bernard all-you-can-eat
buffet. I layed some groundwork
with Holly a few weeks ago. We
held eye contact for a solid 3
seconds. The hunt begins.

INT. OFFICE - JIM'S DESK - DAY

Michael approaches Jim at his desk. Before Michael can say
anything, Jim snatches a piece of paper, writes down a name,
and folds it up a few times.
MICHAEL
You can't vote for yourself! Jim
did you vote for yourself because
that'd be unfair?
JIM
No I did not. And I definitely do
not appreciate this interrogation.
Respect my privacy, please.
MICHAEL
I need to make sure it's fair for
me…for me office.
He says "for me office" in a bad pirate voice.
DWIGHT
Michael, the collector cannot,
under any circumstance, compromise
the privacy of a voter.
MICHAEL
Ugggh, Fine! I was only trying to
uphold the honor of a democratic
process.
PAM
I thought you said this was a
monarchy.
MICHAEL
I never said that. Dwight, it's
your turn to vote.
 21.
DWIGHT
You have my allegiance Michael,
now and forever.
Dwight writes Michael's name and shows him. Michael
snatches the vote out of his hands and walks away, snubbing
his gesture.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Of course I voted for Michael.
Sure, being the king would be
great, but in today's age,
monarchs are nothing more than
hand puppets, needing the wisdom
of advisors for those meat and
potatoes decisions. I will be the
lifeblood of the monarchy, the
puppet-master of Dunder Mifflin.

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

Kelly walks into the warehouse, wearing her dress and
makeup. Daryl is on his break, eating a snack.
KELLY
Hey Daryl.
DARYL
What's up, Kelly? What's got you
looking so fine?
KELLY
Actually, that's why I'm down
here. We have sort of an office
prom going on upstairs. I wanted
to see if you would go with me.
You know, for old time's sake.
DARYL
That's sweet, Kelly, real sweet.
And normally, if a fly girl like
yourself asks me that, I'd say
yes. Hell yes. Unfortunately for
you, I know that you're a crazed
psychopath and you only wanted me
before to make your pasty boy-toy
Ryan jealous.
KELLY
Well, I'm sorry that you feel that
way, Daryl. We could have had
some fun.
She winks and drops her purse. She slowly, seductively
bends down to pick it up.
KELLY (cont'd)
You don't know what you're
missing.
 22.
DARYL
Yeah, I do. Remember? I tapped
that. The only thing I'm missing
out on is some headaches and a
60-day restraining order. Enjoy
your prom.
DARYL TALKING HEAD
DARYL
Yeah, I think she's a piece. But
Michael Douglas thought that about
Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction,
and look how that turned out.
Kelly slams door to the warehouse across the room and yells.
DARYL (cont'd)
What'd I tell you.
KELLY TALKING HEAD
KELLY
I can't believe he said no! I
look so good! I feel like Jennifer
Aniston after she got dumped by
Brad. I'd cry; but then I'd ruin
this perfect face.

INT. OFFICE - PHYLLIS' DESK - DAY

Michael approaches Phyllis for her vote, with a 5-dollar
bill tucked in with the piece of paper.
MICHAEL
(Winking)
Here you go, Phyllis. Time to
pick your king.
PHYLLIS
Well, Bob Vance is my king...of
refrigerators and he'll be taking
me. Umm Michael, there's a 5
dollar bill stuck to this paper.
MICHAEL
Really? I wonder how that got
there. Why don't you keep it,
courtesy of your boss Michael
Scott, candidate for prom king.
PHYLLIS
(Excited)
Awesome! I love finding money!
She writes down her vote and hands it back to him.
MICHAEL
Well, you didn't really find it,
Phyllis. I folded it and put it
there…don't you know anything
about bribes? The mafia's dollar
bill handshakes? Did you even vote
(MORE)
 23.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
for me?
Phyllis looks guilty, stares at the floor.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
Worthless.
HOLLY (OS)
Worthless?
Michael swings around quickly and Holly is right there.
MICHAEL
Ahh, Holly? Yeah, worthless. I
was referring to…an antique from
my home that I got appraised.
PHYLLIS
Weren't you talking about bribes?
Michael cuts Phyllis off and pulls Holly aside.
MICHAEL
Holly, you have to vote, don't
you! Let's do that over here!
HOLLY
Hmm, I wonder who I'm going to
vote for; it's hard to see who
wants to win.
Michael looks dejected, too proud to solicit her vote.
MICHAEL
I guess vote for whoever you think
is worthy of such an amazing and
life-changing honor.
HOLLY
Ok, how do you spell your name?
MICHAEL
(oblivious)
Umm, pretty easy. M-I-C-H-A-E-L.
HOLLY
I was kidding; that was me trying
to tell you that you got my vote.
MICHAEL
Awesome! Thank you very much,
Holly. I hope to make a good
king. If elected.
They make extended eye contact before he shuffles away,
flustered and red-faced.
 24.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
I don't know what it is today, but
I am never taking this jacket off
again…except maybe to have sex
with Holly.

INT. OFFICE - PAM'S DESK - DAY

Jim gets up and walks over to Pam's desk.
JIM
How's operation A.C. Slater
coming?
PAM
I sent a message to our special
friend, and I have finished the
project that will overthrow the
monarchy.
JIM
Excellent. Remember, the end
justifies the means.
Jim spins around smoothly and sits back down, unnoticed.

INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTANT'S CORNER - DAY

Michael makes his way to the corner of the room to get the
votes of Oscar, Angela and Kevin.
MICHAEL
Accountants! The best, most
coolest of us all, I've always
said. We got the Crazy Kev over
here; how's this big stud doing?
KEVIN
I called an escort for the prom
tonight…it's going to be the best
night ever. Her name is
Roxxxy…with 3 X's. Very good
sign.
MICHAEL
That sounds fantastic, and highly
illegal; I won't tell anyone if
you give me your vote. Great!
Michael hands Kevin the paper, turns his attention to Oscar.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
Oscar! How's my femme Don Juan?
OSCAR
Don't patronize me, Michael, I
know you just want my vote, and
you're not getting it after that
remark.
 25.
Michael crumples up the piece of paper and drops it next to
Oscar. He turns his attention to Angela.
MICHAEL
Angela, you look not half bad
today...You're not going to vote
for me are you?
ANGELA
I'm not voting at all. If we can't
vote for a woman, I'm not voting
for a man.
MICHAEL
Technically, you could vote for
Oscar. 2 birds with one stone?
Anyone?
Michael laughs but the only reaction is a slight smile from
Kevin.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
Well, I don't want your vote
anyways; I'll win without you!
Michael runs into his office. The camera spies Michael
through a crack in the window shade. He throws the envelope
with the collected votes into his drawer and picks up the
envelope Jim looked at.

INT. OFFICE - PAM'S DESK - CONTINUOUS - DAY

Michael walks briskly with his head down out of his office
to Pam's desk.
MICHAEL
Pam, in this envelope is the king
of the office, chosen completely
legitimately by our humble
community. I now bestow this unto
you, to be announced at prom.
Camera catches Pam as she smiles discreetly at Jim.

INT. OFFICE - HOLLY'S DESK - DAY

Andy checks his breath with his hand and walks over to Holly
at her desk.
ANDY
Why hello there, Holly. Whatcha
doing?
HOLLY
Oh hi, Andy; just working, or at
least trying to. What's up?
ANDY
Actually, I wanted to ask you
something real quick.
 26.
HOLLY
Go for it.
ANDY
Do you wash your pants in Windex?
HOLLY
Umm, I'm not quite sure what you
mean. I'm wearing a dress.
ANDY
Well, if you were to be wearing
pants, and you had washed them in
Windex, I would be able to see
myself in them.
HOLLY
I'm confused, and a little
uncomfortable.
ANDY
Forget that, new question. Ok, are
those space pants?
HOLLY
Umm, still wearing a skirt, Andy.
What are you getting at?
ANDY
Damnit! It's because your butt is
out of this world.
HOLLY
Well, that was very inappropriate.
ANDY
No, it was the second half to that
pick up line, you heard that out
of context! I was gonna ask you
to go to pr…
HOLLY
Andy, you've said enough. Please
leave.
Andy sulks away after the rejection and Holly breaks her
stern expression and looks at the camera with a smirk.
HOLLY TALKING HEAD
HOLLY
I wasn't really mad. I've heard
both those pick-up lines a
thousand times, and, well, that
was easier than saying no.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - DAY

MICHAEL
(on phone)
Come on! Pick up! I am going to
leave such a hurtful messag…Jan!
Thank God you're there; you had me
(MORE)
 27.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
so worried!
JAN
Sorry, I just got out of bed.
MICHAEL
Umm, it's almost dark, Jan.
He holds the phone from his mouth, whispering to the camera.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
She's like a hormonal zombie.
JAN
I heard that you inconsiderate
jerk. I'm 7 months pregnant, what
the hell do you expect? It's like
I have an oversized bowling ball
in my uterus.
MICHAEL
Jan, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
I'm just stressed out because I
didn't think you'd answer in time.
I need to leave the office for a
quick errand, but can i count on
you to be here in like 25 minutes?
JAN
25 minutes, you're joking right?
It takes me that long to put on
shoes! 2 hours at the earliest.
MICHAEL
Umm, it'll be over by the time you
waddle here. Can you please stop
being selfish? It's my dream
to…Jan? Jan?
He hangs up the phone, takes a few deep breathes, closes his
eyes.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
She's not coming. OK, don't panic,
don't panic...Right! I rigged the
election! I'll be king and can
pick Holly as my quee...
He opens eyes, realizing the camera is still in the room.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
My subjects left me no other
course of action. My hand was
forced. I just think, in these
trying times, our office needs a
king who is a natural leader,
charismatic, good looking, funny
and most of all, trustworthy. The
state of the office is more
important than any one man. I need
you to be loyal and keep this
between you and me. You'll be
taken care of.
 28.
Michael gets up to leave his office. He shakes hands with
the cameraman, and makes a clean exchange of a folded bill.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
Someone's seen Goodfella's. Fuhget
about it.

INT. PARKING LOT - DAY

Dwight is in the parking lot, standing next to a pile of
decorations that will adorn the office for prom. It's dusk.
DWIGHT
Michael has asked me to set up for
the party while he went to the
store. We have Kool-Aid mix to
drink; Michael said it was
Stanley's favorite. He left me 50
dollars in quarters to buy various
snacks from the vending machine
caterer. And these decorations
will surely set the mood. Once,
he's king…I'm sure I'll be moving
up to tasks like, assassinations
played off as suicides, or black
ops kidnappings.
He picks up the bag of decorations and walks into the
building. Stanley leaves right as Dwight's going in, but
Dwight doesn't notice.
END OF ACT TWO
 29.
INT. BREAK ROOM - NIGHT
Dwight has already set up the decorations; a Mike's Hard
Lemonade sign with the "lemonade" part of the sign blacked
out; a Michelob Ultra sign With the –ob part blacked out; a
Hooter's sign; and a disco ball set up on Pam's desk. Dwight
is in the break room, buying snacks from the vending
machine. Creed enters, hammered, looking like he's in the
60's.
DWIGHT
Creed, excellent. Glad you could
finally show. I want you to set up
your equipment in the back of the
room next to the conference room.
Creed stares blankly at Dwight.
DWIGHT (cont'd)
Over there. The refreshments and
snacks will be in that conference
room so I want the dancing and
entertainment to funnel in that
direction. It's simple crowd
control maneuvers. Stay with me
here. Sound OK?
CREED
That sounds like a stone groove,
my man. I'm ready to light this
firecracker.
Creed wanders off-balance into the conference room, and the
camera spies him spiking the Kool-Aid with the rest of his
flask. Dwight doesn't see him do it but he sniffs the air.
DWIGHT
(To camera)
Why does it smell like turpentine?

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Michael is pulling a king costume out of a big shopping bag.
It's complete with a crown, robe and scepter and he is
putting it on.
MICHAEL
I thought it would be a good idea
to make sure that the new king
really looks the part. Got them
from a Halloween costume shop; I
know whoever wins king will be
very happy with the purchase.
He smiles and switches gears to impersonate kings.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
Hear ye, hear ye. I decree thoust
must doth be mine date to prom
whilst being the queen in mine
office, or tis off with ye head!
I'm the king of the world!
Titanic.
 30.
INT. OFFICE - PAM'S DESK - NIGHT
ROXXXY, wearing a ton of makeup and a large overcoat walks
into the office. Pam is taken aback when she sees her. In
background, Creed is warming up his guitar.
ROXXXY
(Chewing gum)
Hi, I'm here to party.
PAM
Hi, yeah, you're in the right
place. The coat rack is over
here, and the refreshments and
catering are in that room, next to
the band.
ROXXXY
Cool. I'll make myself at home.
Roxxxy takes off her jacket and is wearing a very revealing
outfit. Andy immediately approaches.
ANDY
Hey, gorgeous. What does a 1,000
pound polar bear do?
ROXXXY
What?
ANDY
It breaks the ice; Hi, I'm Andy
Bernard.
ROXXXY
Awesome…I'm here to meet someone;
is...
She pauses, reads a name off her palm. There are multiple
names written.
ROXXXY (cont'd)
...Kevin around?
ANDY
He's over there. Are you a Pisces
perhaps? I'm getting that vibe.
ROXXXY
I'm an atheist.
Roxxxy pops a bubble and pushes by Andy, walking over to
Kevin. The camera pans over to Kevin as he hugs her and high
fives Oscar behind her back.

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

Michael is at the microphone, ready to address the office.
Meredith is in the refreshments room, drinking; Kevin is
flirting with Roxxxy at his desk; Jim and Pam are at her
desk; Phyllis is standing with Bob Vance; Dwight is
positioned near Angela; Kelly and Andy are alone on the
 31.
wall; Holly is alone at her desk and makes eye contact with
Michael; he smiles before starting things off.
MICHAEL
Welcome, men and women of the
office, to the Dunder Mifflin
Prom!!!
He pauses for applause but only Dwight's clapping.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
The prom king will be announced
after a couple of songs from
Creed.
He looks back at Creed and whispers, "don't suck," but
everyone hears because of the microphone.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
The votes, might I add, have been
compiled completely fairly.
He makes eye contact with the camera, nods quickly.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
Good luck to all, and let the
festivities begin!
Creed steps up to the microphone, tie around his head and
buttons down on his shirt.
CREED
How's everybody doin' tonight?
This is Apostle's Creed and I'm
gonna start you off with one you
may know.
He starts playing "Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, and
he's very good. Bob Vance and Phyllis start the dancing.
Michael walks to his office, and signals Dwight to follow as
others start to dance.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Michael is holding the scepter and Dwight looks perplexed.
"Satisfaction" is playing in the background.
DWIGHT
Michael, you wanted to see me?
Awesome scepter!
MICHAEL
Yes, Dwight, it's ornate. Please,
close the door, time is of the
essence.
Dwight tries to usher the cameraman out.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
No, he's cool. Dwight, I'm
bringing you in here for a special
ceremony. Close your eyes
please, and sit down.
 32.
Michael puts on the crown and the robe now. Dwight awkwardly
reaches out into the air for a seat and has trouble finding
one.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
Why don't you kneel then?
Dwight, now somewhat understanding, opens his eyes.
Incredulous, he kneels to the ground, trembling.
DWIGHT
(Overwhelmed)
Michael, I, I don't know what to
say. Why?
MICHAEL
As you know, the king will be
decided today. I can't tell you
how I know, but I will be that
man. I need a strong, loyal, right
hand man; neigh, right hand
knight. Someone who can be there,
for better, or worse, in sickness
or in health, 'til death do us
part.
Michael brings the scepter over Dwight's left shoulder.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
My friend, Dwight.
Michael raises the scepter over his head, to the other
shoulder.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
Now, you are a knight.
Congratulations.
DWIGHT
It doesn't count if you use a
scepter; you need a sword. And you
need to say I dub thee knight, Sir
Dwight Schrute. I think you were
reading wedding vows.
MICHAEL
You have to ruin everything, don't
you?
DWIGHT
Sir Dwight. I'm a knight now; my
name is to be preceded by sir.
MICHAEL
I make the rules, and nobody is
calling you sir. This should be
an honor. Now, leave me while I
think of a way to properly address
my soon-to-be subjects.
DWIGHT
I apologize, your majesty. I
shall be loyal and true.
 33.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
That ceremony did not befit a
knight of my caliber. A scepter?
I deserve Excalibur itself; or any
sword that has felled many men.
Luckily for me, I received my
patents of nobility. In 1054 A.D,
my ancestor, Otto von Schruttle,
was a knight and aristocrat under
the great king Heinrich IV, making
my bloodline worthy of a
knighting. My motto remains,
always be prepared, or, always
carry proper medieval
documentation.

INT. OFFICE - PAM'S DESK - NIGHT

Lots of people are dancing; Roxxxy is grinding on Kevin;
Phyllis and Bob Vance are going hard; everyone is enjoying
the music. Jim is standing next to Pam's desk while she
counts the votes.
JIM
It's almost not as fun when it's
this easy.
PAM
Almost. Votes have now been
"counted".
Pam does the parentheses signs with her fingers as she says
counted.
JIM
Ok…Doctor Evil.
PAM
Hey, watch it, you've taken this
more seriously than a doctor doing
extensive brain surgery.
JIM
Harsh...I have to admit though,
I'm too invested. I caught myself
remembering the tags to the
license plates of everyone in the
office. I know it takes me 31
seconds to get from my desk to my
car at a brisk walk. If I put a
quarter of the effort into my work
that I do on my pranks, I'd be a
CEO for this company by 2015.
PAM
Yeah; but that would mean you'd
still be at Dunder Mifflin.
 34.
JIM
Very, very true; that'd be
unacceptable. So who'd you
handpick as our new king?
Kevin hurriedly approaches them from the dance floor as
Roxxxy goes to get more booze.
JIM (cont'd)
Kevin!
Pam is still looking at envelope, doesn't see Kevin as he
scurries over, winded and excited.
PAM
No way could I put Kevin, nobody
would buy that…Hey, Kevin!
KEVIN
Oh man, I'm having an awesome
time. My date is freaking hot.
She is totally into me.
JIM
Yeah man, you're really showing
off the moves. Impressive stuff,
you'll have to teach me some…
KEVIN
Sorry Jim, gotta go; I need to
carb up for the next songs,
dancing is a lot of exercise.
Kevin then hustles into the conference room to get a snack.
JIM
Ahh, young love. So innocent.
PAM
Yeah...How much do you think she
costs?
JIM
Pam, love is priceless......No
more than 50 dollars.

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

Dwight swaggers over to Angela, who is standing alone in the
middle of the office.
DWIGHT
Hello, malady. I'd be remiss if I
didn't inform you of my new
position. I have been dubbed the
first knight of the office.
He stands tall and proud, then bows to her.
 35.
DWIGHT (cont'd)
I have courted you with the utmost
chivalry and I am deserving of
such a lofty title as your
significant man lover.
ANGELA
Impressive indeed…Wait, who
knighted you?
DWIGHT
Michael.
ANGELA
Great, that's like being baptized
by a stripper. Maybe you should
court Kevin's date. Be gone.
Dwight sulks past Pam's desk and sits in his chair, Pam
notices. Creed stops playing.
CREED
(On microphone)
Alright people, I need to grease
the wheels. Back in a flash.
Creed stumbles into the refreshment room, camera spies
Meredith as she follows him and flashes him. Pam seizes the
moment to speak.
PAM
Ok, everybody, I am done counting
the votes!
Almost immediately after she says that, Michael bursts out
of his office, king costume in hand.
MICHAEL
Great! Let's announce this winner.
Andy, would you do the honors?
ANDY
Sure, Big Mike, but won't it be a
little weird if I win and have to
announce myself?
MICHAEL
Well that's a very super minimal
risk I'm willing to take. Did
anyone vote for Andy?
Nobody raises their hand; Andy drops his head.
ANDY
Then announce I shall.
He sprints up to the stage with gusto.
ANDY
(Very loud)
Helloooo Scaaaaantoooon! How's
everyone doing today?
 36.
Nobody responds, the only sound is the squeaking of the
amps.
JIM
We'd be doing a lot better if you
used your inside voice.
ANDY
Yeah, well I'd be doing a lot
better if you used your shut up,
voice.
JIM
Wow, you think of that on your
own?
ANDY
Yes, I did Tuna, now back off, I'm
heralding.
MICHAEL
Ok! Stop, announce the winner
already! The suspense is killing
me!
He makes eye contact with the camera.
ANDY
Without further ado, the winner…of
the Scranton Branch Dunder Mifflin
Prom…is…One second, people.
Allllllmoooooooost gooooot it. Oh
my God! My friend, your new king,
is...Dwiiiight Schrute!
Michael stops dead in his tracks and a scowl appears on his
face. Dwight is also shocked at the announcement. Jim looks
at the camera, then at Pam who's smiling, beside himself at
her decision to pick Dwight. Michael turns to face Dwight.
MICHAEL
Usurper! You have stolen mine
rightful throne! There's no way
you could have won!
Michael is boiling mad but Dwight immediately asserts
himself in his newfound position of power.
DWIGHT
Michael, the people, and the
divinities, have spoken. I am your
prom king now.
MICHAEL
I demand a recount, or even
another vote; this is an outrage!
PAM
I counted it multiple times;
Dwight won by a landslide,
Michael. How can you be so
confident that you won?
 37.
MICHAEL
Ahh, I, umm, guess I couldn't
possibly know for sure.
The realization that there is nothing he can do without
incriminating himself for fixing the vote sinks in and after
a long silence, he speaks dejectedly.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
Congratulations, Dwight...King
Dwight.
DWIGHT
Thank you, Michael. Hey, maybe
after my coronation, if I'm not
too tired from being the king, I
could knight you.
Dwight then takes the king costume from a reluctant Michael.
Michael slinks into his office without responding and looks
very sad; Dwight approaches the stage where Andy is singing
"The King of Wishful Thinking".
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
Betrayed by one of my subjects. I
really don't care who it was;
coulda been Dwight, or Jim, or
maybe that hooker. It doesn't
matter; I'm really not mad I lost.
I just wanted a date without
having to ask.
He chuckles a little, then sighs and looks at the camera
upset.
MICHAEL (cont'd)
Plus, that king outfit cost me
like, 400 dollars.

INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

Dwight is now fully dressed in the robe, crown and scepter,
standing at the microphone. Angela is intently listening.
DWIGHT
People of the Scranton Branch, I
am honored to be your king and it
will be my mission to do
everything in my power, which is
now quite great, to make this the
best branch in all the realm. I am
now your absolute superior by
divine right, and you all must
abide by my many decrees and
edicts. Playtime is over! And now,
by the law ancient laws of the
office, I shall pick a queen.
Dwight steps off the podium with the microphone and walks
over to Angela, who is utterly emotionless.
 38.
DWIGHT (cont'd)
Angela, I am your king and by
patriarchal law, I can choose
whomever I please as my queen. I
hereby choose you in the name of
Dunder and Mifflin as the queen of
the office. Dost thou accept?
ANGELA
If it is the law, then...I accept.
Dwight hands the microphone to Creed, and the office claps
for the eerily happy couple. Creed goes on stage to play a
song.
CREED
Time to slow it down.
Creed starts playing "Stairway to Heaven". Dwight pairs
with Angela, Phyllis with Bob Vance and Kevin with Roxxxy
(Lots of groping). Pam and Jim go into the refreshment room
and shut the door. Holly is alone at her desk in deep
thought. Meredith is in a trance in front of Creed, holding
up a lighter and swaying back and forth. Michael is still
in his office. Andy psyches himself up and walks across the
room to talk to a sulking Kelly.
ANDY
I'm going to make this short and
to the point. Did you get a
parking ticket? Because you have
fine written all over you.
KELLY
Let's dance.
She said it very matter of fact, no questions asked, and
drags him to the dance floor as he fist pumps.
ANDY TALKING HEAD
ANDY
I told you! Money in the bizaaank.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Michael is quietly listening to the music from his desk.
Somebody knocks on the door.
MICHAEL
Go away!
Holly slowly opens the door and walks in.
HOLLY
Hey Michael, how you doing?
MICHAEL
I'm hanging in there I guess. I
can't believe Dwight won. What
boss loses in his own office?
 39.
HOLLY
Who cares? He looks like a loser
in that cheap costume and he
probably had to cheat to win.
Michael looks at the camera and winces.
MICHAEL
Yeah, I don't know; I'm sure he
looks awful though. It was really
nice of you to come in here.
HOLLY
Yeah, well, everyone's paired up
on the dance floor, so I had
nobody to talk to...or dance with.
MICHAEL
Yeah, I thought I heard Stairway
to Heaven playing.
There's a long silence before Michael has an extended sigh
to fill the void. Holly is standing there waiting for him to
ask her to dance.
HOLLY
Well, I think I'm going to head
out. I'll see you tomorrow.
She turns to leave and starts to walk out when Michael
stands up and walks after her.
MICHAEL
Wait, Holly. Will you have this
dance with me?
HOLLY
Of course.
Michael is giddy, and walks with her to dance. He pulls her
in, and with his head looking over her shoulder, he nods to
the camera with a smile and gives a thumbs up.

INT. BREAK ROOM - NIGHT

JIM
(To Pam)
I don't think you truly grasp how
big of a mistake this was. I
figured you would pick me to win,
or Kevin. Anyone but Dwight.
PAM
(To camera)
I don't know why he's so worried.
I thought Dwight's pursuit of
Angela was cute and he needed our
help. Don't you see how happy they
look?
JIM
Your motives may have been in the
right place, but Pam, Dwight with
the title of king, with Angela as
(MORE)
 40.
JIM (cont'd)
his ice queen? We may already be
at war with another branch.
PAM
Well I think you're overreacting;
what harm could Dwight possibly
cause as the king?
She pauses after saying this, and looks at Jim, horrified at
what she's done.
PAM (cont'd)
What have we done? (Silence) Ok,
we have to open a window or
something. The punch is basically
melting through that bowl.

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

Creed is still belting out "Stairway" still in her stupor.
Michael and Holly are dancing and having a conversation,
laughing. Andy and Kelly are making out. Kevin has a firm
grip on his date's ass and she's chewing gum. Bob Vance and
Phyllis are bumping into everyone. Dwight and Angela are
dancing almost robotically, and whispering intently into
each other's ear. The song ends, and Dwight, with Angela in
tow wearing her beetroot crown, steals the microphone from
Creed.
DWIGHT
Former equals, it is time for my
first decrees; if you do not heed
them, a torture will befall you;
I'm choosing between the Shaolin
art of paper cut torture and a
medieval human catapult. The
inaugural decree, from the mind
your queen, says that no daughters
of Eve shall bear skin below the
neck or above the ankle.
Angela looks in the direction of Holly, Roxxxy, then Pam.
Her lips are pursed and she is loving her newfound position
of power tugging Dwight's robe in a rare show of affection.
Michael is barely paying attention because he's still
talking to Holly.
DWIGHT (cont'd)
Also, I will be giving personal
performance reviews for everyone
in the office, starting tommorow.
You will be put through a series
of significant tests for your job
description. Do not be alarmed,
you won't be fired...as long as
you are absolutely flawless.
Lastly, there are to be no more
festivities, of any kind, ever
again. There's a new sheriff in
town, only if a sheriff had the
absolute power of a tyrant. Any
questions? Please ask away, for
this is the last chance to say
(MORE)
 41.
DWIGHT (cont'd)
your piece without paying a hefty
tax.
ANDY
Can I help his majesty purge the
office? I could be like that
Sheriff of Nottingham guy from
that Kevin Costner movie. Not the
king, but enough authority to lay
a cubicle to waste.
DWIGHT
(ignoring Andy)
Any plausible questions?
KEVIN
This question's for Creed; do you
think you could play another slow
song?
Angela and Dwight whisper together intently.
DWIGHT
There's another decree; no more
questions from the subjects. All
inquiries must be placed in a box,
which will then be ceremoniously
burnt every Friday. Ok, I feel
good about this. That concludes
tonight's festivities. Line up in
an orderly fashion, now. Tomorrow
dawns a new era. God Bless Dunder
and Mifflin.
The office is stunned at the announcement and stands
silently for a moment.
MICHAEL
Ok you heard your king, everybody
out of the office! Anyone who
wants to get drinks, let's head
down the road to the bar; first
round's on me!
The whole office erupts in cheers and goes to gather their
things. Michael has a huge smile on his face as he fist
pumps into his office.

INT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Everyone has now filed out into the parking lot and it is
dark. Kevin has his arm around Roxxxy. Kelly and Andy are
walking slowly together. Meredith and Creed are holding each
other up, stumbling blindly to her car. Dwight and Angela
peel out in Dwight's car, in a hurry to get somewhere.
Michael and Holly are walking side by side, still in deep
conversation.
ANDY
So everyone's heading over to Poor
Richard's Pub for a few adult
sodas?
 42.
KEVIN
Yeah, Roxxxy and I are totally in.
Gotta get some booze for her,
ASAP.
HOLLY
(To Michael)
I think I could fit in in my
schedule.
MICHAEL
Awesome, let's go! Oh, crap, I
forgot my jacket. You guys leave
without me. I'll meet you there!
Camera spies Creed and Angela talking at her car.
MEREDITH
(To Creed)
So, rock star, you want to shack
up with me?
CREED
My path leads elsewhere my little
turtledove. Maybe another time,
another life. It's time for me to
get back to the roads.
Destination? Unknown.
He walks out of the parking lot, leaving a bewildered
Meredith at her car. She gets in and immediately passes out
onto her steering wheel, hitting the horn. Creed flags down
a car and gets in.

INT. OFFICE - PAM'S DESK - NIGHT

Pam and Jim are gathering their things, preparing to leave.
speechless.
JIM
Hey, Pam, I think I left something
over on your desk, can you grab it
for me?
PAM
Umm, I don't see anything, is it
your cell phone?
JIM
No, it's my dignity, I can't seem
to find it.
Pam laughs as Michael runs in smiling ear to ear.
MICHAEL
Forgot the good luck charm!
Michael runs into his office. A large black football player
walks into the office.
 43.
TAYLOR
Hey, I'm Taylor Wellington; I got
a Facebook message saying to come
here for my football jacket.
Pam and Jim look at each other, realizing the last phase of
their plan has just arrived. Michael hops out of his office
signing "Danke Schoen".
MICHAEL
Oh, did we get a new warehouse
worker? Hazing!
Michael runs over to Taylor and gives him a quick noogie.
TAYLOR
What the hell man, stop! I'm here
because someone stole my jacket
from my dance the other night!
Wanna explain that...Big Mike?
MICHAEL
You're Taylor Wellington? I
figured you'd be like the kicker
with a name like that.
TAYLOR
I'm not. Now give me my jacket!
MICHAEL
Ok, I'll give you your jacket, I'm
very sorry. The thing is, I've
been having some great luck in it.
So could I maybe swing it by your
school at the end of the week?
Taylor doesn't even respond; he approaches Michael and tries
to tear the jacket off his back. Pam and Jim are
open-mouthed and shocked.
JIM
Hey man, he made a mistake, he'll
give you the jacket and you can
just walk away.
TAYLOR
Stay out of it or I'll beat you.
Jim shuts his mouth in a hurry, Michael doesn't.
MICHAEL
That's what she said.
TAYLOR
That's what she said huh? Making
fun of my mama? Time to go atomic.
Taylor then picks Michael up in a tremendous wedgie and
hangs him on his door knob. He slams the door with Michael
on the knob. Michael crashes on the floori n his office when
it slams shut. Pam and Jim, shuffle out of the room as
Michael groans comically off screen.
END OF ACT THREE
 44.
INT. PAM AND JIM TALKING HEAD - DAY
It's the following morning. Camera cuts straight to Pam and
Jim in break room.
PAM
It has been quite an interesting
Tuesday morning.

EXT. PHARMACY - DAY

Camera spies Michael leaving a pharmacy early that morning,
limping and carrying medical supplies.
PAM (V.O.)
Michael called out of work, citing
"miscellaneous injuries."

EXT. CASINO - DAY

Camera spies Creed waking up in an alley behind a casino, in
a cardboard bed with a homeless woman.
PAM (V.O.)
Oh, and Creed left a message
saying he woke up in Atlantic
city, two thousand dollars in
debt.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

Camera spies Meredith getting woken up by a car door
slamming at the crack of dawn; violently jumping at the loud
noise. Camera spies Kevin walking in disheveled with a
irreplaceable grin. Camera spies Angela putting Dwight's
crown on in his car and kissing him. Camera spies Kelly
dominating a conversation with Andy as they walk in.
JIM (V.O.)
Well, I saw Meredith this morning;
sound asleep against her car
window, which was classy. And I've
definitely noticed that romance
has found a few of our co-workers.
What a night.

INT. PAM AND JIM TALKING HEAD - CONTINUOUS - DAY

PAM
But yeah, Jim and I have decided
to take a hiatus on the pranks, at
least for the time being.
Yesterday was a complete disaster.
In one day we put a dictator into
power and possibly ended our
boss's chance to have a kid. Jim?
JIM
Oh yeah, right, no more pranks.
Someone could really get hurt.
 45.
He stares blankly into the camera, shellshocked.

INT. MEN'S BATHROOM - DAY

Camera cuts to Jim earlier that morning, alone in the
bathroom with water all over the floor. He has a plunger and
fishes something out of one of the toilets. He holds up a
pair of soaking, ripped Batman underwear and gives a "Are
you serious?" look at the camera.

The End