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THE BIG BANG THEORY

REVISED PILQT

Written by
¡íiii'...
:.Chuck
Lorre
&
Bill Prady

FIRST DRAFT
October 2, 2006

© 2006 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.

This seript is the property of Warner Bros. Entertainment Ine. No
portion of this seript may be performed, reproduced or used by any
means, or diselosed to, quoted or published in any rnedium without
the prior written consent of Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc .
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~.
 COLO OPENING I A
FADE IN:
INT. FERTILITY CLINIC WAITING ROOM - DAY (OAY
1) (Leonard, Sheldon, Althea, Extras)
WE OPEN ON LEONARD, A POST-DOCTORAL THEORETlCAL PHYSICIST, AN
ACTUAL GENIUS -- HIS IQ IS OFF THE CHARTS. HE SITS
IMPATIENTLY FOR A BEAT, SEES A RUBIK'S CUBE ON THE TABLE,
PICKS IT UP ANO SOLVES IT IN A FEW DEFT MOVES. HIS FRIEND
ANO ROOMMATE, SHELDON, ALSO A VERIFIABLE GENIUS WITH SIMILAR
. CREDENTIALS, EMERGES THROUGH' A DOOR.
LEONARD
Took you long enough.

SHELDON
If you had any inkling of what I've

just be en through I think you'd be a

little more sympathetic.

LEONARD
What could you have·been through? You

went in there to ~ake a sperm deposito

SHELOON
Leonard, think about it. We're

selling our sperm to a high IQ.sperm

bank, but we can't guarantee high IQ

offspring. Extreme intelligence is as

much of a mutation as the migrating

eye of the flounder.

~' .. '
THE BIG BANG (FIRST DRAFT) 2.
Upilot"
THEORY 10/02/06 (CO/A)

LEONARD
And this carne to you while you were ...

pleasuring yourself?
THE BIG BANG (FIRST DRAFT) 2.
Upilot"
THEORY 10/02/06 (CO/A)

SHELDON
Yeso

LEONARD
Did you see they had rnovies in there?

SHELDON
I couldn1t stop thinking we were

comrnitting fraud. Sorne poor woman

is going to pin her hopes on my

sperm. What if she winds up with a

toddler

who doesn't know if he should use an

integral or a differential to solve

for the ar ea under a curve.

LEONARD
I'm sure she'll still love him.

SHELDON
I wouldn't.

LEONARD
Sheldon, did you fill the cup or not?
I

SHELDON
Oh, I don't think the cups are

designed to be filled. The size is

meant to facilitate aim, like the

spittoons of the Old West.

THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 3.
"pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) (CO/A)

LEONARD
Did you or.didn't.
you?

SHELDQN
Oh, yeso Eventually. For the record,

I have tennis elbowand 1'm chafed.

 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 3.
"pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) (CO/A)

LEONARD
Come on.

THEY CROSS TO THE COUNTER WHERE A RATHER BORED WOMAN, ALTHEA,

SITS BEHIND THE COUNTER WORKING A CROSSWORD PUZZLE. SHE
DOESN'T LOOK UP.
LEONARD (CONTrD)
Excuse me.

ALTHEA
(INTENT ON THE PUZZLE) Hang on.

LEONARD
One across is "Aegean." Eight downis

"Nabokov," twenty-six across is "MCM,"

thirteen down is - rnoveyour finger

"phylum," which rnakes thirteen

across ... Port-au-Prince. (OFF HER

UNHAPPY LOOK) Ta-da!

ALTHEA
Can 1 help you?

LEONARD
Yes, we've made two deposits. That's

about eighty million egg-seeking

geniuses.
THE B1G BANG THEORY (FIRST 4.
"pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) (CO/A)

SHELDON
Potential geniuses. 1 have a sister

with the same basie DNA mix who

hostesses at Fuddruekerls.

ALTHEA
1111 get you your eheeks.

SHELDON
Hold on, please.. (TO LEONARD) 1

eanlt take the money. Itls not right.

LEONARD
(TO ALTHEA) Can you give us a minute?

Hels having a crisis of eonscienee.

11m sure you get this all the time.

ALTHEA
Not really. Most of the fellas pretty

mueh come and go.

LEONARD
(TO SHELDON) This was your idea. A.

little extra spending money and we

pick up the eight-inch Celestron

telescope with the digital star finder

and the altazimuth mount.

SHELDON
1 khow, and 11m sorry. (TO ALTHEA)

Weld like our ... contribution baek.

THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 5.
"pilot" 10/02/06 (Ca/A)

ALTHEA
You want me to go back there and bring

you your sperm?

 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 5.
"pilot" 10/02/06 (Ca/A)

SHELDON
Yeso

ALTHEA
Should 1 leave it in the cups or do

you want me to see if 1 have a vase or

maybe a gravy boat?

SHELDON
The cups are fine.

LEONARD USHERS SHELDON OUT THE DOOR.

LEONARD
How ls it you can recite pi to eighty

~. decimal place s but you can1t recognize

sarcasm?

SHELDON
Oh, 1 don't think the two are related.

THEY'RE OUT AND WE .. ~

DISSOLVE TO:

r-
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 6.
"pilot" 10/02/06 . (CO/B)

COLD OPENING / B
INT. STAIRWELL - LATER THAT DAY (DAY 1)
(Leonard, Sheldon, Penny)
LEONARD ANO SHELDON, HOLDING BAGS OF TAKE-OUT INDIAN FOOD,
CLIMB THE FlVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS THAT LEAn TO THEIR
APARTMENT.
SHELDON
How long are you.going to be mad at

me?
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 6.
"pilot" 10/02/06 . (CO/B)

LEONARD
1 don't know.

SHELDON
Do you see your anger fading gradually

like a radioactive half-life, or

suddenly like a quantum shift: angry,

not angry.

LEONARD
l. Don't. Know.

SHELDON
Well, for the moment it appears to be

.holding steady.

THEY CLIMB IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT.

SHELDON (CONT'D)
Do you want to hear an interesting

thing about stairs?

THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 7.
"pilot" 10/02/06 (CO/B)
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 7.
"pilot" 10/02/06 (CO/B)

LEONARD
Not really.

SHELDON
If the height of a single step is off

by as little as two millimeters, most

people will trip.

LEONARD
Two millimeters? That doesnlt seem

right.

SHELDON
Itls true. I did a series of

experiments when 1 was twelve. My

father broke his elaviele.

RESET TO:

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

THEY HEAD FROM THE STAIRS TO THEIR APARTMENT.

LEONARD
ls that why they sent you to boarding

sehool?

SHELDON
No, that was a result of my work with

lasers.

SHELDON PUTS THE KEY .IN THEIR LOCK, WHEN THEY HEAR ...

MUSrC CUE: FUNKY UP TEMPO Musrc

...FROM A BOOMBOX. THEY TURN ANO SEE A BEAUTIFUL GIRL,

PENNY, DANCING WITH RECKLESS ABANDON THROUGH THE OPEN OOORWAY
OF THE APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL. THEY WATCH FOR A FEW
BEATS, MESMERrZED BY HER· RAW SEXUALITY.
THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 8.
"Pilot" 10/02/06 (CO/B)
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 8.
"Pilot" 10/02/06 (CO/B)

LEONARD
New neighbor.

SHELDON
EvidentIy.

LEONARD
A significant improvement over the old

neighbor.

SHELDON·
Assuming qne pr~fers incandescently

attractive women to Harold the old fat

nudist.

LEONARD
May he rest in peace.

THE BOYS WATCH AS PENNY PICKS UP A PHOTOGRAPH OF A HANDSOME

MAN ANO SETS IT ON FIRE WITH A LIGHTER. SHE DOESN'T NOTICE
THEM AS SHE CONTINUES TO DANCE.

SHELDON
This might be cause fer concern.

LEONARD
Could be a red ·fIag.

PENNY REALIZES THAT SHE'S BEING WATCHED. SHE TURNS OFF THE
MUSIC.

MUSIC CUE: MUSIC OFF

PENNY
(RE: THE PICTURE BURNING IN HER HAND)

Oh my God, 1 must look totally insane.

LEONARD
Not totally.

,
"
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (F1RST 9.
"pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) (CO/B)

SHELDON
Unless this is kindling for a·somewhat

larger blaze.

PENNY
(RE: BURNING PHOTO) No, welre just

breakiog up. Burning his picture is

symbolic.

SHE SETS 1T DOWN IN A TRASH CAN.

LEONARD
You mean like a cleansing, closure

kind of thing?

·PENNY
No, my desire to set him 00 fire.

SHELDON
(TO LEONARD) 11m surprised you missed

that.

PENNY
Penny. New neighbor.
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (F1RST 9.
"pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) (CO/B)

THEY SHAKE HANDS.

LEONARD
Hi, 11m Leonard. This is Sheldoo.

SHELDON
(1ND1CATES THEIR APARTMENT) Welre

over here.

PENNY
Cool.

/,.....
\
THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 10.
"pilot" 10/02/06 (CO/B)

LEONARD
Okay, well ... welcome to the building.

SHELDON
There's no spr1nkler system.

PENNY
Got it. See you around.
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 10.
"pilot" 10/02/06 (CO/B)

SHELOON/LEONARD
Bye.

LEONARD ANO SHELDON BACK INTO THEIR APARTMENT, COLLIDING WITH

EACH OTHER AS THEY TRY TO EXIT GRACEFULLY.

RESET TO:

INT. LEONARD ANO SHELDON'S APARTMENT - CONTlNUOUS

THE APARTMENT IS A LIVING ROOM, DINING AREA ANO A SMALL

KITCHEN. DOORS LEAD OFF TO BEDROOMS AND A BATHROOM.
EVERYWHERE WE LOOK WE SEE BOOKS, SCIENTIFIC JOURNALS,
COMPUTER EQUIPMENT, GREASE BOARDS ANO OTHER FLAT SURFACES
PRESSED INTO USE AS GREASE BOARDS, ALL COVERED WITH
EQUATIONS. AS THEY ENTER ...

LEONARD
Should we have invited her for lunch?

SHELDON
Why would we do that?

LEONARD
She's obviously going through sorne

emotional upheaval. We should help.

SHELDON
I'm not aware·of anything in the

social code that suggests we should

intervene.
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 11.
"pilot" 10/02/06 (CO/S)

LEONARD
What about ... damsel in distress?

SHELDON
Twelfth century code of chivalry. Not

exactly current. Also, you'd have to

have been knighted for that to apply.

LEONARD
We're going to be good neighbors. We1re

going to invite her over, make her feel

comfortable and engage her in

conversation.

SHELDON
That doesn't sound like uso

LEONARD
It1s not difficult. You listen to

what she says and you say something

appropriate in response.

LEONARD CROSSES OUT, SHELDON FOLLOWS.

SHELDON
No. Definitely not uso

RESET TO:

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

THEY CROSS TO PENNYIS DOOR AND KNOCK. PENNY·OPENS HER DOOR.

THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 11.
"pilot" 10/02/06 (CO/S)

LEONARD
Hi. Again.

PENNY
Hi.
THE BIG BANG (FIRST DRAFT) 12.
THEORY
"Pilot" 10/02/06 (CO/B)
THE BIG BANG (FIRST DRAFT) 12.
THEORY
"Pilot" 10/02/06 (CO/B)

SHELDON
Hi.

PENNY
Hi.

LEONARD
So anyway, 1 don't know if you

noticed, but we were carrying bags.

Of food. Indian food. And 1 find

when I'm going through emotional

difficulties, which is what appears to

be going on with you, good food and

company can have a comforting effect.

AIso, curry is a natural laxative and

1 don't have to tell you that a clean

colon is ... one les s thing to worry

about.

SHELDON
Leortard, I'm no expert here, but 1

believe in the context of a luncheon

invitation, you might want to skip the

discussion of bowel movements.

PENNY
Oh, you're inviting me over to eat?

LEONARD
Uh, yeah.

PENNY
That's so sweet. Hang on.
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 13.
"Pilot" 10/~2/06 (CO/B)

PENNY CROSSES TO A WASTE PAPER BASKET WHOSE CONTENTS ARE

ENGULFED IN FLAMES. SHE USES A SPORT BOTTLE OF WATER TO PUT
OUT THE FIRE.

PENNY (CONT I D)
Pictures of us having sexo I was

going to send them to his mother, but

it felt a little skeevy.

SHELDON
I understand. .We tried masturbating

for money this afternoon and I had

similar qualms. (OFF LEONARD'S ANGRY

LOOK) What? Conversation.

CUT TO:

MAIN TITLES

(~
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 14.
"pilot" 10/02/06 (l/A)

ACT ONE

SCENE A

FADE IN:

INT. LEONARD ANO SHELDON'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)

(Leonard, Sheldon, Penny, Wolowitz, Koothrappali)

LEONARD ANO SHELDON LEAD PENNY INTO THEIR APARTMENT.

LEONARD
Well, uh ... make yourself at home.

PENNY
(SWEETLY, CLOSE TO HIM) Thank you.

LEONARD
(SHYLY) You're most welcome.

PENNY SEES A GREASE BOARD FULL OF EQUATIONS ANO CROSSES TO IT

AS'SHELDON LOOKS AT LEONARD AND SILENTLY MOCKS HIS "YOU'RE
MOST WELCOME."

PENNY
Hey, this looks like sorne serious

stuff. Leonard, did you do this?

SHELDON SCURRIES TO THE GREASE BOARD.

SHELDON
Actually, that's rny
work.
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 14.
"pilot" 10/02/06 (l/A)

PENNY
Wow.

r1"'"
I
 THE BlG BANG THEORY (FIRST 15.
"pilbt" 10/02/06 DRAFT) (l/A)

SHELDON
(MOCK HUMlLlTY) Yeah, well, it's just

sornequantum mechanics with a little

string theory doodling around the

edges. That part there's just a joke.

lt's a spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer

approximation.

PENNY
So you're like one of those "Beautiful

Mind" genius/guyS?

SHELDON
(SHEEPlSHLY) Yeah.

PENNY
(RE: BOARD) This is really

impressive.

LEONARD
1 have a board. lf you like boards,

this is my board.

LEONARD lNDlCATES ANOTHER GREASE BOARD FILLED WITH EQUATIONS.

PENNY
Holy smokes.

SHELDON
If by "holy smokes" you mean a

derivative restatement of the kind of

stuff you can find scribbled on the

wall of any men's room at MIT¡ sure.

THE BlG BANG THEORY (FlRST 16.
"pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) (l/A)
 THE BlG BANG THEORY (FlRST 16.
"pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) (l/A)

LEONARD
What?

SHELDON
Come on, who hasn't.seen (RE: AN

EQUATlON ON LEONARD'S BOARD) this

differential below "here l sit,

brokenhearted."

PENNY PLOPS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND STARTS D1SHING OUT SOME
INDlAN FOOD.
LEONARD
Hey, at least 1 don't have to invent

twenty-six dimensions just to make the

math come out.

SHELDON
1 didD't invent them, they're there!

LEONARD
In what universe?

SHELDON
In all of them. That's the point!

PENNY
(RE: THE FOOD) ls it okay if 1 start?

SHELDON SEES PENNY ON ONE END OF THE COUCH.

SHELDON
Um, Penny? That's where 1 sito

PENNY
(PATTING THE COUCH) So sit next to

me.
THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 17
"Pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) (l/A)
.
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 18
DRAFT) .

SH~LDON
No~ 1 sit there.

PENNY·
What's the difference?

SHELDON
What's the difference?

LEONARD
Here we go.

SHELDON
In the winter, that spot is close

enough to the radiator to be warrn, yet

not so close as to be uncornfortable.

In the summer, it is directly in the

path of a cross breeze created by

"". opening

faces
windows there and there.

the television at an angle

It

that

is neither direct, thus discouraging

conversation, nor so far wide as to

create parallax distortion. 1 could

go on, but 1 think I've rnade my point.

PENNY
Would you like to switch?

SHELDON
No, I'm fine.

SHELDON UNHAPPILY SITS NEXT TO HER. LEONARD TAKES A CHArR.

"Pilot" 10/02/06 (l/A)

LEONARD
Okay, well this is nice, huh? We

don't have company a loto

SHELDON
That's not true. Koothrappali and

Wolowitz come over all the time.

LEONARD
Well, yes but --

SHELDON
Tuesday night we played Klingon Boggle

until one in the morning.

LEONARD
Yeah, 1 remember.

SHELDON
1 resent you ~aying we don't have

company.
 LEONARD
1 'm
sorry.

SHELDON
1t has negative social implications.

LEONARD
1 said 1'm sorry!

AN AWKWARD BEAT, THEN:

PENNY
What's Klingon Boggle?
THE BIG BANG THEORY . (FIRST DRAFT) 19.
"Pilot" 10/02/~6 (l/A)
 LEONARD
(EMBARRASSED) 1t's·like regular

Boggle ... but in Klingon. (CHANG1NG

THE SUBJECT) Well, that's probably

enough about uso Tell us about you.

PENNY
Me? Okay ... 1'm a Sagittarius which

probably tells you more than you need

to know.

SHELDON
Yes, it tells us that you participate

in the mass cultural delusion that the

sun's apparent position relative te

arbitrarily defined constellations at

the time of your birth somehow affects

your personality.

PENNY
l'm sorry?

LEONARD
1 think what Sheldon's trying to say

is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been

our first guess.

PENNY
1 get that a lot because 1 have a

really strong moon in Virgo.

S~ELDON
Hence our confusion.
THE B1G BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 20.
"pilot" 10/02/06 (l/A)
LEONARD SHOOTS SHELDON A LOOK.

PENNY
1 used to be a lacto-ovo vegetarian

but that got too political, so now 1'm

just eating according to my blood

type.

SHELDON
That I s interest·ing. Leonard can I t

process corn.

LEONARD G1VE SHELDON ANOTHER LOOK. SHELDON SHRUGS, "WHAT?"

PENNY
And 1'm a José Cuervo shot girl but

1'm also writing a screenplay about a

girl who carne to L.A. to be an actress

and failed and wound up as a José

Cuervo shot girl.

LEONARD
Well, if that was a movie, 1 would go

see it.

PENNY
1 know, right? What else? .. 1 guess

that's about it. That is my life.

That is me.

LEONARD
Well, it sounds wonderful--

PENNY
It was. Until ...
THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 21.
"pilot" 10/02/06 (l/A)
SHE SUDDENLY STARTS CRYING. LEONARD AND SHELDON EXCHANGE
DUMBFOUNDED LOOKS.

SHELDON
(TO LEONARD) What's happening?

LEONARD
1 "m not sure. Um.,. (TENTATlVELY

PATTING PENNY'S SHOULDER) There,

there.

PENNY
I'm sorry. It's just this breakup.

It wouldn't be a big deal except 1

still love him.

LEONARD
Sure.

PENNY
Bút at the same time 1 hate his

freakin' guts. Pretty crazy, huh?

LEONARD lS AT A LOSS. HE LOOKS AT SHELDON. SHELDON SHRUGS,

EQUALLY CLUELESS.

LEONARD
No, it's not crazy, it's just ... a

paradox. And paradoxes are a part of

nature. Think about light. If you

look at Huygens, light is a wave, as

confirmed by the double-slit

experiments. But along comes Albert

Einstein ando he discovers that light

behaves like particles, too.

(MORE)
THE SIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 22.
"Pilot" 10/02/06 (l/A)
 a wave,

is it a particle ... or is it both?

PENNY lS MYSTIFIED.

SHELDON
Well, Penny, did you find that

·helpful?

PENNY
It's something to chew on. (PULLING

HERSELF TOGETHER) Listen, my shower

isn't working and I've been moving all

day. Would it.be totally weird if I

used yours?

SHELDON
Yeso

LEONARD
No.

SHELDON
(TO LEONARD) No?

LEONARD
(TO SHELDON) No.

SHELDON
(TO PENNY) No.

PENNY
Okay. .. Where is
it?

THEY POINT SIMULTANEOUSLY TOWARD THE BATHROOM.

PENNY (CONT
'D)
Thanks. You guys are really sweet.
THE BIG BANG THEORY (FlRST DRAFT) 23.
"Pilot" 10/02/06 (l/A)
~:o SHE EXITS TO THE BATHROOM. THE GUYS STARE AFTER HER IN
SILENCE.
SHELDON
Well, this is a first.

LEONARD
What do you mean?

SHELDON
We've never had a woman take her

clothes off in our apartment befbre.

LEONARD
That's not true. Remember at

Thanksgiving, my grandmother with

Alzheimer's had that "episode."

SHELDON
Oh, right. Somehow 1 place this in a

different category.

LEONARD
Yeah.

SHELDON
You know, she's not going to have sex

with you.

LEONARD
What?

SHELDON
Faceoit, Leonard. She is not the

female of the species of which you are

the maleo
THE B1G BANG THEORY (F1RST DRAFT) 24.
"Pilot" 10/02/06 (l/A)
 LEONARD
1'm not trying to have sex with her.

1'm just trying to be a good neighbor.

SHELDON
Oh, of course.

LEONARD
1 mean, that's not to say that if a

carnal relationship were to develop, 1

wouldn't participate. However

briefly.

SHELDON
Hm. Do you think this possibility will

be helped or hindered when she

discovers your Bilbo Baggins liNo

More. Téars" shampoo?

LEONARD
1t's Gandalf shampoo.

THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. LEONARD CROSSES TO ANSWER IT.

LEONARD (CONT'D)
Bilbo Baggins is the conditioner.

HE OPENS THE DOOR REVEAL1NG THE1R FR1ENDS HOWARD WOLOWITZ ANO

DAVE KOOTHRAPPALI, TWO MORE CERTIFIABLE GENIUSES IN THEIR
TWENrIES. KOOTHRAPPALI WEARS A BASEBALL CAP. WOLOWITZ HOLDS
UP A DVD.

WOLOWITZ
Wait 'til you see this.

KOOTHRAPPAL1
It's fantastic.

THEY CROSS IN.

THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 25.
upilot" 10/02/06 (l/A)
 LEONARD
See what?

WOLOWITZ HEADS FOR THE TV. AT THE SAME TIME KOOTHRAPPALI

CROSSES INTO THE KITCHENETTE AREA WHERE HE TAKES OUT A BOX OF
ALUMINIUM FOIL, TEARS OFF A SHEET ANO REPLACES THE ALUMINIUM
FOIL THATIS LINING HIS BASEBALL HAT.

WOLOWITZ _
It 1, S a Steven Hawking lecture from MIT

in 1974.

LEONARD
This i~n't a good time.

WOLOWITZ LOADS THE DVO PLAYER.

WOLOWITZ
(CREEPY COMPUTER,VOICE) It's before

he became a creepy computer voice.

KOO'l'HRAPPALI
He sounds like Benny Hill, but smart.

LEONARD
That's great. You have to go.

KOOTHRAP PAL 1,
Why?

LEONARD
Itls just not a good time.

SHELDON
Leonard has a lady overo

WOLOWITZ
Yeah, right.

WOLOWITZ TURNS ON THE TV.

THE BIG BANG THEORY (FlRST DRAFT) 26.
"Pilot" 10/02/06 (l/A)
 LEONARD
Shets not a "lady." Shets just a

friendo

WOLOWITZ
Hang on. There really is a lady here?

WOLOWITZ TURNS OFF THE TV.

LEONARD
Uh-huh.

WOLOWlTZ
And you want us out because youtre

anticipating coitus?

LEONARD
No, shets just a friendo

WOLOWITZ
So she1s available for coitus?

LEONARD
No, she's --

PENNY CROSSES OUT. SHE 'S NAKED WlTH A TOWEL WRAPPED

AROUND HBR.
PENNY
Hey, is there a trick to getting it to

switch from tub to shower? (OFF THE

NEW GUYS) Oh, hey. Sorry. Hi.

WOLOWlTZ POPS OFF THE COUCH.

THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 27
DRAFT) .
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 28
DRAFT) .

"Pilot" 10/02/06 (l/A)

.WOLOWITZ
Énchanté, rnademoiselle. Howard

WOlowitz, Cal Tech department of

applied physics. You may be familiar

with sorneof rnywork -- itls currently .:

toodling around the surface of Mars.

PENNY
Hi. Penny.

WOLOWITZ
You smell wonderful. Wbat is that

scent youlre wearing?

PENNY
Itls called b.o~
WOLOWITZ
Ah. Hence the shower, of course.

Leonard, where have you been hiding

this one? Shels charming.

SHELDON
(SOTTO, TO LEONARD) Oh, he's good.

ANO ON LEONARDiS UNHAPPY EXPRESSION, WE ...

FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
."Pi1ot" 10/02/06 (II/B)
 ACT TWO

SCENE B

FADE IN:

INT. LEONARD AND SHELDON S APARTMENT - CONTlNUOUS

I (DAY 1)
(Leonard, She1don, Penny, Wo1owitz, Koothrappa1i)

AS BEFORE.

LEONARD
Come on, 1111 show you the trick to

the shower.

LEONARD ANO PENNY CROSS TOWARD THE BATHROOM.

WOLOWITZ
Bonne douche.

LEONARD!PENNY
What? / 11m sorry?

WOLOWITZ
Itls French for "good shower." Itls a

sentiment I can express in six

1anguages.

LEONARD AND PENNY REACT, THEN EX1T.

SHELDON
(TO KOOTHRAPPAL1) Howls the microwave

radiation these days?

THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 29
"Pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) .
(II/B)
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 30
"Pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) .
(II/B)
KOOTHRAPPALI
Awful. Between the cell phones, the

relay towers and the wi~fi I can

actually smell rnybrain cooking.

SHELDON
How are you handling the gonad

situation?

KOOTHRAPPALI
(RE: HIS CROTCH) Spun iron mesh.

SHELDON
Seems a little medieval. Any problems

with rust?

KOOTHRAPPALI
Only if 1 drink too much coffee. But

it's not without its advantages.

\.

HE TAKES A KITCHEN MAGNET OF ALBERT EINSTEIN'S HEAD OFF THE

REFRIGERATOR AND HOLDS IT A FEW INCHES FROM HIS CROTCH. HE
LETS IT GO ANO IT FLIES TO ANO STICKS ONTO HIS PANTS WITH A
MAGNETIC "CLICK."
KOOTHRAPPALI (CONT'D)
What do you think?

SHELDON
1 think the magnet is yours now.

LEONARD CROSSES BACK OUT.

LEONARD
Listen --

LEONARD NOTICES THE MAGNET ON KOOTHRAPPALI'S PANTS. HE

DECIDES TO IGNORE IT.
 LEONARD (CONTID)
You guys have to go.
 WOLOWITZ
Why?

LEONARD
Because Sheldon·and 1 have to run an

errand for Penny and you canlt be

here.

SHELDON
Where are we going?

LEONARP
1111 tel1 you latero

WOLOWITZ
Leonard, Ilm perfectly comfortable

waiting here. In fact, Dave, why

donlt you go with them?

KOOTHRAPPALI
1 donlt want to go with them.

SHELDON
(TO LEONARD) Where are we going?

LEONARD
(TO WOLOWITZ) Why would you stay?

WOLOWITZ
Well, 1 was trying to be discreet

about the elephant in the room, but

surely all of you saw what happened

between the lady and.me .

.. .......
r r
...
 THE BIG BANG (FIRST DRAFT) 3I.
"pilot"
THEORY 10/02/06 (II/B
)

LEONARD/SHELDON/KOOTHRAPPALI
.No. / Sorry? / What?

WOLOWITZ
She's is obviously hot for me.

LEONARD/SHELDON/KOOTHRAPPALI
What? / Sorry? / What?· .

WOLOWITZ
Frankly she' s not .even my type I but as

the alpha male in the group, it is my

burden.

LEONARD CONSIDERS THIS FOR A

BEAT;
LEONARD·
Okay I . T think we can go.

LEONARD WRITES A PHONE NUMBER ON A SCRAP OF PAPER AND RANOS

IT TO KOOTHRAPPALI.
LEONARD (CONT'D)
This is my cell phone number. Give it

to Penny when she comes out of the

shower. Come on, Sheldon.

SHELDON
Again, where are we going?

AS LEONARD USHERS SHELDON OUT, KOOTHRAPPALI USES THE MAGNET

TO ATTACH THE PHONE NUMBER TO HIS PANTS, ANO WE:
CUT TO:
 THE BIG BANG (FIRST 32.
"Pilot"
THEORY 10/02/06 DRAFT) (II/e)

SCENE e
1NT. LEONARD' S eAR -.A LITTLE WHILE LATER· (DAY 1)
(Leonard, Sheldon)
A BEAT-UP BUT SERVICEABLE SEDAN. LEONARD DR1VING, SHELDON IN
THE PASSENGER SEAT.
THE BIG BANG (FIRST 32.
"Pilot"
THEORY 10/02/06 DRAFT) (II/e)

SHELDON
Leonard?

LEONAR,D
Yes?

SHELDON
At the risk of being redundant, where

are we going?

LEONARD
We're just going and getting the rest

of Penny's clothes for her.

SHELDON
Why· can't she get her own clothes?

LEONARD
Shé could, she's just trying to avoid

having a scene with the guy she was

living with.

SHELDON
Uh-huh. So this gentleman will be

there?
THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 33
"Pilot" 10/02/06 .
(II/C)

LEONARD
1 assume so, yeso

SHELDON
And you think this quest will win the

maiden's heart?
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 34
"Pilot" 10/02/06 .
(II/C)
LEONARD
1 don't know.

SHELDON
Let me propase another approach which

might have a better chance of

achieving your goal.

LEONARD
Okay.

SHELDON
Lure Penny to a lead-lined shelter

you've built far beneath the surface

of the earth and keep her there until

the rest of humanity is consurned by a

nuclear conflagration.

LEONARD
Why don't we put a pin in that and see

how the clothes thing goes.

SHELDON NODS, ANO WE ..•

CUT TO:
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 34
"Pilot" 10/02/06 .
(II/D)

SCENE D

INT. LEONARD ANO SHELDON S APARTMENT

I - SAME TIME (DAY 1)
(Penny, Wolowitz, Koothrappali)

PENNY (DRESSED IN A PAIR OF LEONARD'S JEANS ANO A T-SHIRT)

ANO KOOTHRAPPALI ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH.

PENNY
So, you guys work with Leonard and

Sheldon at the university?

KOOTHRAPPALI GLANCES AT HER, THEN NERVOUSLY LOOKS AWAY.

PENNY (CONT 'D)

1'm sorry, do you speak English?

WOLOWITZ CROSSES OVER WITH A TRAY OF FOOD.

WOLOW1TZ
Oh, he speaks English. He just ean't

speak when there's a woman in the

room.
THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 35
"Pilot" 10/02/06 .
(II/D)
PENNY
Really? Why?

WOLOW1TZ
Well, basically he's nuttier than rat

droppings in a pistachio factory, but

he's also the best partiele physieist

in the Western Hemisphere.

 PENNY
Oh.

WOLOWITZ
Anyway, Itve whipped us up a little

something. Itts basically melted

string cheese and Doritos, but I think

itts a nice approximation of a fondue.

PENNY
Oh, thank you.

WOLOWITZ
I probably dontt have to tell you the

Swiss regard fondue as the most

sensual of the cheese dishes.

AS HE OFFERS THE FOOD TO PENNY' AND SMILES WAGGISHLY, WE ...

CUT TO:
 THE. BIG BANG (FIRST DRAFT) 36.
THEORY
"pilot" 10/02/06 (II/E)

SCENE E.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)

(Leonard, Sheldon, Kurt [V.O.], Bobby, Extras)

LEONARD CROSSES UP TO THE INTERCOM PANEL ANO RINGS A BUTTON.

SHELDON
The trick is geing to be how you

trigger nuclear Armageddon and still

have her see you as a nice guy.

WE HEAR THE VOlCE OF PENNY'S EX-BOYFRIEND. KURT¡ OVER THE

lNTERCOM.
THE. BIG BANG (FIRST DRAFT) 36.
THEORY
"pilot" 10/02/06 (II/E)

KURT (V.O.)
Yeah?

LEONARD
HelIo, Ilm Leonard and this is

Sheldon.

SHELDON
HelIo.

LEONARD
Welre here to pick up Pennyls clothes.

KURT (V.O.)
Get lest.

SHELDON
Okay, we tried. Let's go.
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 37.
"pilot" 10/02/06 (II/E)

LEONARD
Wait. Wetre not going to give up just

like that.

SHELDON
Leonard, the clothes are in the

building. We have been denied access

to the building. We're done.

LEONARD
Excuse me, if I were to give up at the

first little hitch I would never have

been able to identify the fingerprints

6f string theory in the aft'errnath of

the Big Bang.

SHELDON
I apologize. What's your plan?

LEONARD CONSIDERS FOR A BEAT THEN CROSSES TO THE LOCKED DOOR

ANO FUTILELY YANKS ON IT.

SHELDON (CONTtD)
It's just a privilege to watch your

mind at work.

LEONARD
Shut up and let me think.

LEONARD CONSIDERS THE SITUATION AS A DEVELOPMENTALLY-

CHALLENGED DELIVERY PERSON, BOBBY, APPROACHES WITH A STACK,OF
MENUS.
THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 37.
"pilot" 10/02/06 (II/E)

BOBBY
Hiya.

LEONARD
Hi.
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 38.
"Pilot" 10/02/06 (II/E)

BOBBY
1 nave a job and make my own money. 1

put one menu at every door. l'm

Bobby.

LEONARD/SHELDON
That's great. / Good for you.

BOBBY PRESSES ALL THE BUZZER BUTTONS.

SFX: MULTIPLE BUZZERS

A BEAT ANO THE DOOR BUZZES OPEN.

SFX: BUZZ
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 38.
"Pilot" 10/02/06 (II/E)

BOBBY
Bye bye.

SHELDON
Did you see which button worked?

LEONARD
Just grab the door.

SHELDON GRABS THE DOOR ANO THEY CROSS IN, AS WE.:

CUT TO:
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 39
"Pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) .
(II/H)
",.....,

SCENE H
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE KURT'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)
(Leonard, She1don , Kurt, Joey)
SHELDON ANO LEONARD APPROACH THE DOOR. LEONARD KNOCKS. THE
DOOR OPENS REVEALING KURT, AN IMPOSING FRAT-BOY-TURNED-
STOCKBROKER. .

KURT

LEONARD
Hi, 1'm Leonard. This is Sheldon.

SHELDON
From the intercom.

KURT
How the hell did you get in the

building?

LEONARD
Uh. We're scientists. Anyway, we

just need to pick up Penny's clothes

and we'll get out of your hair.

KURT
(S1GHS) AII right, come in.
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 40
"Pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) .
(II/H)
THEY ENTER.

LEONARD
(TO SHELDON) $ee? No problem.

RESET TO:
INT. KURT' S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

GLASS, CHROME, ETC. ANOTHER KURT-L1KE FELLOW, ~, 18

SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME ANO HAVING A
BEER.

JOEY
What's going on?

KURT
These guys came to get Penny's stuff.

LEONARD
1'm Leonard. This 1s Sheldon.
 SHELDON
HelIo.

KURT
Want a beer?

LEONARD
No, thank you ..

KURT
You don't drink beer?

LEONARD
No, we drink beer.

KURT
But you're too gObd to drink beer with

uso

LEONARD
1 think a beer would be nice:

SHELDON
l'd like a beer.

KURT RANOS THEM A COUPL~ OF BEERS.

THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) , 4l.
"Pilot" 10/02/06 (II/H)

KURT
Want to teli me how long you1ve been

boinking my girlfriend?

LEONARD
Oh no. There's no boinking.
THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) , 4l.
"Pilot" 10/02/06 (II/H)

SHELDO~
"Boinking"?

LEONARD
Colloquial. Fornication.

SHELDON
Interesting.

KURT
So you're telling me you1re just

running around town for her because

you1re a nice guy.

LEONARD
Um, yeso

KURT
1 don't buy it. Do you buy it, Joey?

JOEY
-.1 don I t buy i t .

SHELDON
Actually, he hOEes to boink her.

LEONARD
Sheldon!

SHELDON
It's not a transitive verb?
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 42.
"Pi1ot" 10/02/06 ( II/H)

LEONARD
Just stay out of it.

SHELDON
We11, he didn't accept your

explanation. 1 thought that if.1

validated his premise we :could

acknowledge the situation and move

forward.

LEONARD
1 don't think these are the kind of

people who need their premises

va1idated.

SHELDON
Fine. 1'11 fo11ow your lead.

LEONARD
Gent1emen, this is clearly an awkward

situation, but I'm sure we can

conc1ude our.business without giving

in to understandable but ultimately

childish emotion.

FLIP TO:

é l.....
(~ ~
...
THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 43
DRAFT) .
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 44
DRAFT) .

"Pilot" 10/02/06 (II/J)

SCENE J

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)

(Leonard, Sheldon, Extras)

LEONARD ANO SHELDON WALK OUT OF THE BUILDING IN T-SHIRTS ANO

BOXER SHORTS.

SHELDON
Leonard?

LEONARD
What?

SHELDON
My mom bought me those pants.

LEONARD
1'm sorry.

SHELDON
You're going to have to call her.

THEY CROSS OFF, AS WE ...

CUT TO:
."P~lot" 10/02/06 (II/K)
 SCENE K
1NT. STAIRWELL - A LITTLE WHILE LATER (DAY 1)
(Leonard, Sheldon)
THE BOYS CLIMB THE STAIRS.
LEONARD
l feel terrible about dragging you

through this.

SHELDON
Itls okay. It wasnlt my first

pantsing and it .wonlt be my

lasto

LEONARD
("..... 1 am such a fool. Even if l'd'gotten

her clothes, packed them in the Ark of

the Covenant and tossed in the Holy

Grail she still wouldn't be interested

in me.

SHELDON
Yes, but we'd have the Ark of the

Covenant and the Holy Grail -- a

veritable E-bay bonanza.

THE BIG BANG THEORY (F1RST DRAFT) 45.
"Pilot" 10/02/06 ( II/K)
 LEONARD
We11, anyway, l'm al1 done with this.

l've got my work and someday 1'11 win

a Nobel prize and after that, 1'11

die.

SHELDON
Oh, come on. You know there's a

fantasy and science fiction convention

in San Diego next week. That's a1ways

a great place to meet "women."

CUT TO:
THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRSTDRAFT) 46.
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRSTDRAFT) 46.

"Pilot" 10/02/06 (II/L)

1"""'" ..

SCENE L

INT. LEONARD ANO SHELDON'S APARTMENT - CONTlNUOUS (DAY 1)

(Leonard, Sheldon, Penny, Wolowitz, Koothrappali)

PENNY, WOLOWITZ AND KOOTHRAPPALI ARE LOOKING AT A LAPTOP

COMPUTER. A SMALL REMOTE-CONTROLLED VEHICLE WITH CAMERAS
MOUNTED ON IT SCOOTS AROUND THE FLOOR. WOLOWITZ lS
CONTROLLING IT FROM THE LAPTOP.

WOLOWITZ
So now we,re seeing what the excursion

module camera sees.

PENNY
Oh, that's so cool. And they use

something like this on Mars?

WOLOWITZ
Uh-huh. Okay, let's scoot it around

and see what we see.

THE VEHICLE ROLLS UP BEHIND PENNY AND TAKES A SHOT UP. SHE'S
FOCUSED ON THE SCREEN.

PENNY
What are we looking at now?

WOLOWITZ
Your ass.

PENNY
Ah.
THE BIG BANG (FIRST DRAFT) 47.
npilot"
THEORY 10/02/06 (II/L)
 THE BIG BANG (FIRST DRAFT) 47.
THEORY

JI" ...
WOLOWITZ
Of course on Mars, we'd be looking at

a rock.

PENNY
And you'd have a better shot with the

rock.

WOLOWITZ
Touché.

LEONARD ANO SHELDON ENTER ..

LEONARD
We're home.

PENNY
Oh, my God, what happened?

SHE CROSSES TOWARD THEM. WE STAY WITH WOLOWITZ AND

KOOTHRAPPALI FOR:
WOLOWITZ
(SOTTO TO KOOTHRAPPALI, RE: SCREEN

lMAGE) You want this?

KOOTHRAPPALI NODS.

WOLOWITZ (CONT'D)
You got a flash drive?

KOOTHRAPPALI REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AS WE ANGLE ON:

LEONARD, SHELDON AND PENNY.
LEONARD
So anyway your ex-boyfriend sends his

best and 1 think the rest i8 fairly

self-explanatory.
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 48.
"Pi10t" 10/02/06 (11/L)

PENNY
Oh, 1 am so sorry.

SHE G1VES BOTH OF THEM A HUG.

PENNY (CONT ID)

Thank you for going and trying. You

guys are just terrific.

LEONARD/SHELDON
You're welcome. / Sure;

PENNY
Te11 you what. Why don't you put some

c10thes on? 1'11 get my purse and

dinner's on me.

LEONARD/SHELDON
Great / Thanks.

SHE EX1TS. THEY WATCH HER GO. LEONARD SIGHS, INFATUATED.

 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST DRAFT) 48.
"Pi10t" 10/02/06 (11/L)

SHELDON
Yeah.

LEONARD
1 have to keep trying.

SHELDON
Yeah, you kind of have to.

THEY CROSS OVER TO WOLOWITZ AND KOOTHRAPPAL1.

LEONARD
18 that your new Mars rover?

WOLOWITZ
Uh-huh.
THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 49.
"pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) ·(II/L)

SHELDON
(RE: LAPTOP SCREEN) What are you

looking at?
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 49.
"pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) ·(II/L)

WOLOWITZ
Guess.

LEONARD
Well, that looks like a butterfly, but

what's the surface?

KOOTHRAPPALI
Heaven.

FADE OUT.
ÉND OF ACT TWO

("
\_
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 50.
"Pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) (TAG)

FADE IN:
INT. LEONARD'S CAR - THAT NIGHT (NIGHT 1)
(Leonard, Sheldon, Penny, Wolowitz, Koothrappali)
LEONARD IS DRIVING, SHELDON lS IN THE PASSENGER SEA~. PENNY
IS IN THE BACK, SQUEEZED BETWEEN KOOTHRAPPALI AND WOLOWITZ.
LEONARD
Thai food okay with you, Penny?
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 50.
"Pilot" 10/02/06 DRAFT) (TAG)

PENNY
Sure.

SHELDON
We can't have Thai food, we had Indian

for lunch. That would be spicy-spicy.

We need spicy-savory. That means

either Japanese, which will be

crowded, or Mongolian barbecue, which

1 prefer.

LEONARD
Mongolian barbecue all right with you,

Penny?

PENNY
Sure. (TO KOOTHRAPPALI) ls that okay

with you?

KOOTHRAPPALI OPENS HIS MOUTH TO ANSWER. NOTHING COMES OUT.

SADLV, HE LOOKS AWAY.
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 51.
"Pilqt" 10/02/06 DRAFT) (TAG)

"" ...
 THE BIG BANG THEORY (FIRST 51.
DRAFT)

I WOLOWITZ
(INTlMATELY, TO PENNY) And afterwards

maybe you and 1 can 90 out for a

little karaoke. (SINGING SOFTLY TO

HER) FLY ME TO THE MOON ...

.
SHELDON
(SOTTO, TO LEONARD) 1 don't know what

your odds·are in the world as a whole,

but as far as the population of this

car goes, you're in like Flynn.

AS LEONARD ALLOWS HIMSELF A SMALL SMILE, AS WOLOWITZ KEEPS

SINGING, AS KOOTHRAPPALI ADJUSTS THE ALUMINUM FOIL IN HIS
HAT, WE ...

FADE OUT.
END OF·SHOW

r -_