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White People, You Need To Wash Your Butts: Toilet Paper Is Not Enough

1) The author argues that using only toilet paper to clean oneself after defecating is insufficient and leaves one's butt unclean. People in most parts of the world instead use water, either with a handheld bidet, washing pot, or sophisticated toilet, to properly wash their butts. 2) Wiping with only toilet paper can result in a dirty butt and using water is more hygienic, cheaper in the long run by reducing toilet paper usage, and better for the environment by reducing deforestation. 3) The author notes that the practice of only using toilet paper to clean oneself after defecating seems concentrated in majority white areas like the US, UK, northern Europe and

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191 views3 pages

White People, You Need To Wash Your Butts: Toilet Paper Is Not Enough

1) The author argues that using only toilet paper to clean oneself after defecating is insufficient and leaves one's butt unclean. People in most parts of the world instead use water, either with a handheld bidet, washing pot, or sophisticated toilet, to properly wash their butts. 2) Wiping with only toilet paper can result in a dirty butt and using water is more hygienic, cheaper in the long run by reducing toilet paper usage, and better for the environment by reducing deforestation. 3) The author notes that the practice of only using toilet paper to clean oneself after defecating seems concentrated in majority white areas like the US, UK, northern Europe and

Uploaded by

SALAH EDDINE
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
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Download as ODT, PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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White People, You Need To

Wash Your Butts


Toilet paper is not enough

Indi Samarajiva

Jul 11, 2019 · 3 min read

I didn’t understand this when I lived in America, but you


need to wash your butt after you poop. You can’t just wipe it
until the paper looks clean. 
Like the metric system, the rest of the world has mostly
figured this out.
In Japan, sophisticated toilets wash and dry their butts while
playing music. In Muslim societies, for centuries they have
used a lota, a pot of water, and now use modern amenities.
In almost every Sri Lankan household there is a simple
hand-bidet, what I call a bum gun. Then of course the French
invented bidets, a word which actually means small horse,
and people have ridden that through Southern Europe and
across the world. At the minimum, most people in the world
will at least have a plastic vessel to wash their butts.
Personally, I love the hand bidet. It’s fun and effective, and
quite common where I live. What I’ve discovered, however,
is that are different tactical applications of the bum gun. I
spray and then wipe/dry with toilet paper. Some people spray
and then wash their butts with their hand and soap. The
strategy, however, remains the same. Use water. To wash
your butt.
If you get used to this it is very difficult to go in America or
the UK. If you wipe like the locals you will feel like you’re
walking around with a dirty butt. Which you are. When I do
venture to these backwards countries I try to time my
movements so that I can take a shower immediately
afterwards.
Besides the dirty butt problem, toilet paper is literally
flushing money and the environment down the toilet. The
average American uses about 141 rolls of teepee per year,
spending let’s say $40. In aggregate this contributes to
massive amounts of deforestation, especially in Canada.
For the price of a set of toilet paper, you can get a bum gun
(hand bidet) and drastically reduce paper usage. You don’t
need to wipe till you can’t wipe no more. Honestly,
sometimes it feels like you’re wiping a permanent marker
and paper can fill up the bowl. It’s terrifying. If you just
rinse your butt you can gently wipe it dry one time and be
cleaner, richer, and less of a deforester.
There are really bum washing options for every price point.
The Tesla of toilets — the Toto Neorest — will open
automatically, warm the seat, and clean and massage your
butthole. You can also get seat replacements for existing
toilets. Personally, I think this is one of the better
investments you could make in life — daily spa treatement
for your butt.
At the same time, you can spend next to nothing on a simple
plastic bowl. Get one with a spout and your butt crack will
do the rest. Just clean yourself with soap and water, wash
your hands, and walk confidently throughout the day.

Now, I mention white people in the headline here not to pick


on them, but it is curious that unwashed butts seem to be
concentrated in the US, UK, northern Europe, and Australia;
AKA white people majority areas. The further south you go
in Europe the cleaner the butts.
What blows my mind, however, is that these northern
countries seem to think that toilet paper is cleaner. One
common misconception about bidets is that they’re gross, as
if carrying that mess around in your pants the rest of the day
is somehow better. If you stop to think about it, using just
toilet paper is insane, but if you live in the porcelain matrix
you never realize this.
I lived in America for over a decade and pooped God knows
how many times and didn’t think anything was wrong. But it
is wrong, it’s terribly wrong and people need to know. I’m
sorry to break it to you white people, but you have dirty
butts. Whatever color you are, we all have butts, and they all
need to be washed.

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