LOVE IS A FALLACY

Narrator 1: Cool was he and logical. A freshmen in law school. Keen, calculating, acute, amazing,
out of this world- he was all of these. His mind was as powerful as a bomb, precise as a
chemist’s scales and as penetrating as a scalpel.

Genius: And guess what- I’m only eighteen.

Narrator 2: It’s not so often that one so young has such intellect. Consider his roommate Petey
Ballows, his roommate at the university.

Genius: Same age, same background, but dumb as an ox.

Petey: (ox sound)

Narrator 1: Emotional type. Unstable. Impressionable. Worst of all, a faddist.

SCENE 1
*PETEY WHINING*

Genius: Appendicitis. Don’t move. I’ll get a doctor.

Petey: Raccoon.

Genius: Raccoon?

Petey: I want a raccoon coat.

Genius: What for?

Petey: I shouldn’t have spent all my money on textbooks. Now I can’t get myself a raccoon
coat.

Genius: Are people wearing raccoon coats again?

Petey: All the Big Men on campus are wearing them. I’ve gotta get myself a raccoon coat. I’ve
got to!

Genius: Listen, Petey. Raccoon coats are unsanitary, they shed, they weigh too much, they--

Petey: You don’t understand. It’s what’s up right now. Don’t you wanna be in the swim?

Genius: No.

Petey: Well, I do. I’d give anything for a raccoon coat. ANYTHING!
Genius: Anything?

Petey: Anything.

Narrator 1: He knew where he could have his hand on a raccoon coat. His father had one in their
attic back home. It also happened that Petey had something he wanted. Petey’s girl,
Polly Espy.

Narrator 2: Beautiful she was. But intelligent she was not. In fact, she veered in the opposite
direction.

Genius: I believe under my guidance she would smarten up.

Narrator 1: After all, it is easier to make a beautiful dumb girl smart than to make an ugly smart girl
beautiful.

Genius: Petey, are you in love with Polly Espy?

Petey: I don’t know if you’d call it love.

Genius: Alright. Well, I’m going home for the weekend.

SCENE 2

Narrator 2: He went home and secretly toook his father’s coat. He arrived in campus early on a
Monday.

Genius: Look.

*SHOWS COAT*

Petey: Holy guacamole!

Genius: Would you like it?

Petey: Oh yes! What do you want for it?

Genius: Your girl.

Petey: Polly? You want Polly?

Genius: That’s right.

Petey: No, can’t do.

Petey: Alright. Alright.

Genius: Try it on.

Petey: Fits fine.

Genius: Is it a deal?

Petey: Deal.

SCENE 3

Narrator 2: He had his first date with Polly the following evening and this was in the nature of a
survey to find out just how much work he had to do to get her mind up to his standards.

Narrator 1: They first went to have dinner.

Polly: Gee, that was a delish dinner.

Narrator 2: Then to the movies.

Polly: Gee, that was marvy movie.

Narrator 1: Then he took her home.

Polly: Gee, I had a sensaysh time.

SCENE 4

Narrator 1: He went home with a heavy heart. He thought to himself that he has gravely
underestimated the size of his task. He was tempted to give her back to Petey. But
thought of giving her a course of logic. Again, he took her out on a date.

Genius: Polly, tonight, we are going to the Knoll and talk.

Polly: What are we going to talk about?

Genius: Logic.
Polly: Magnif!

Genius: Logic is the science of thinking.

Polly: Wow-dow!

Genius: Let us first examine the fallacy called Dicto Simpliciter.

Polly: Wow-dow!

Genius: It means an argument based on an unqualified generalization. For example, sex is good.
Therefore, everybody should have sex.

Polly: I agree. I mean, sex is just wonderful. It’s---

Genius: Polly. The statement is a fallacy. Sex is good is an unqualified generalization. For
example if your unmarried, sex is not good. You must qualify the generalization. You
must say, “Sex is good in most cases.” Otherwise, you have committed Dicto
Simpliciter.

Polly: This is marvy! Do more! Do more!

Genius: Alright.

Polly: Do more!

Genius: Next, we have Hasty Generalization. Listen close. You can’t speak Chinese. Petey can’t
speak Chinese. Therefore, I conclude that no one in the campus can speak Chinese.

Polly: Really? Nobody?

Genius: Polly. It’s a fallacy. The generalization is reached too hastily. There’s not much evidence
to support such conclusion.

Polly: Any more? This is fun!

Genius: Next comes Post Hoc. Listen to this: Let’s not take Aaron to the beach. Every time we
take her out with us, it rains.

Polly: I know someone exactly just like that. A guy named Aaron Valenzuela back home
always--
Genius: Polly. It’s a fallacy. Aaron Valenzuela doesn’t cause the rain. He has no connection with
the rain. You are guilty of Post Hoc if you blame Aaron.

Polly: I’m sorry.

Genius: It’s alright. Now, let’s try Contradictory Premises. Here’s an example: If God can do
anything, can He make a rock so heavy that He won’t be able to lift it?
Polly: Of course.

Genius: But if He can do anything then he can lift the stone.

Polly: I’m confused.

Genius: Of course you are. Because when the premises of an argument contradict each
other, then there is no argument.

Polly: I see.

Genius: We better call it a night. We’ll have another session tomorrow.

SCENE 5

Narrator 2: He again went home with a disappointed. Once again, he considered giving Polly back
to Petey. But he has wasted one evening. Why not waste another?

Genius: Our first fallacy tonight is called Ad Misericordiam. Listen closely. A man applies for a
job. The boss asks him what his qualifications are. He replies that he has a wife and six
children at home, the wife is a helpless cripple, they have no food, no clothes, no coal in
the cellar and WINTER IS COMING.

Polly: That is awful.

Genius: But it’s no argument. The man never answered the boss’s question about his
qualifications. Instead he appealed to the boss’s sympathy. He committed the fallacy of
Ad Misericordiam.

Genius: Next is False Analogy. For example: Students should be allowed to look at their
textbooks during examinations. After all, surgeons have X-rays to guide them during an
operation and carpenters have blueprints to guide them when they are building a house.
Why, then, shouldn’t students be allowed to look at their textbooks during an
examination?

Polly: Good point.

Genius: Polly, it is all wrong. Surgeons and carpenters aren’t taking a test to see how much
they’ve learned but students are. The situations are altogether different, and you can’t
make an analogy between them.

Polly: I see.
Genius: Next is Hypothesis Contrary to Fact. Listen. Jhonny taught Mia about sex. If he hadn’t
taught her about sex, she never would have learned about sex at all.

Polly: True.

Genius: It’s a fallacy. Maybe Mia would have learned it from someone else. You can’t start with
a hypothesis that is not true and then draw any supportable conclusions from it.

Genius: The next fallacy is called Poisoning the Well.

Polly: How cute.

Genius: Two men are having a debate. The first one gets up and says, ‘My opponent is a
notorious liar. You can’t believe a word that he is going to say. Would you mind to tell
me what’s wrong?

Polly: It’s not fair at all. What chance has the second man got if the first man calls him a liar
before he even begins talking?

Genius: Right. A hundred percent right. It’s not fair. The first man has poisoned the well before
anybody could drink from it. I’m proud of you.

Polly: Psshh.

SCENE 6

Narrator 1: It took five grueling nights to bring out a logician out of Polly. Finally, his job was done.
She was now worthy of him. She was now fit as a wife-to-be, a proper hostess
for his many mansions.

Narrator 2: The time had come to change their relationship from academic to romantic. On their
next meeting, he has decided to confess his feelings for Polly.

Genius: Polly, tonight we will not discuss fallacies.

Polly: Great!

Genius: Polly, we have now spent five nights together. We have gotten along so splendidly. It is
clear that we are well matched.

Polly: Hasty Generalization. How can you say that we are well matched on the basis of only
five dates?

Genius: My dear, five dates is plenty. After all, you don’t have to eat a whole cake to know that
it’s good.

Polly: False Analogy. I’m not a cake. I’m a girl.

Polly: Ad Misericordiam.

Genius: Okay, Polly you certainly have learned your fallacies.

Polly: I did.

Genius: And who taught them to you?

Polly: You did.

Genius: That’s right. And you do owe me something, don’t you, my dear? If I hadn’t taught
about fallacies, then you never would have learned about them.

Polly: Hypothesis Contrary to Fact.

Genius: Polly, you must not take things too literally. All this is classroom stuff. You know the
things you learn in school have nothing to do with life.

Polly: Dicto Simpliciter.

Genius: Polly. Will you or will you not go steady with me?

Polly: I will not.

Genius: Why not?

Polly: Because this afternoon, I promised Petey that I will go steady with him.

Genius: You can’t go with him Polly! He’s a liar! He’s a cheat! He’s a rat!

Polly: Poisoning the Well. And stop shouting.

Genius: Alright. You’re a logician. Let’s look at this thing logically. How could you choose Petey
over me. I mean look at me-- a brilliant student, a man with an assured future. Look at
Petey-- a turd, a knothead, a guy who’ll never know where his next meal’s coming from.
Polly, can you give me one logical reason why you should go steady with Petey Ballows.

Polly: I certainly can. He’s got a raccoon coat.

END