ae We About Schmidt By Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor inspired by the novel by Louis Begley January 22, 2001EXT, WOODMEN OF THE WORLD HEADQUARTERS - DAY Various shots of this, the tallest building on the Omaha skyline Its massive structure suggests sturdiness and reliability. TNT. WARREN SCHMIDT’ S OFFICE - DAY A WALL CLOCK READS 4:58. WARREN SCHMIDT, 66, sits at his desk looking up at the clock. The desk is completely clear except for a telephone. Next to the desk are several large CARDBOARD BOXES. They are marked “SCHMIDT ACTIVE DOCUMENTS” and “SCHMIDT FILES ARCHIVE.” Warren looks at the clock again -- 4:59 and thirty seconds. He remains motionless for a full thirty seconds. THE SECOND HAND finally rounds 12. WARREN stands, puts on his jacket, walks to the door. He wistfully pats the boxes, takes one last look, turns out the light, closes the door. OFF SCREEN -- CHEERS followed by “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.” Then -- a THUNDERBOLT. INT. /EXT. CADILLAC - NIGHT RAIN. THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD -- Warren drives. His wife HELEN, 64, sits next to him. OPENING CREDITS begin, wiped on and off by the windshield wipers. Helen spots something up ahead. HELEN Look, Warren -- your name in lights! Warren leans forward and makes out -- THE BIG NEON SIGN outside a STEAKHOUSE. Letters awkwardly spell out “Happy Retirement Warren Schmidt.” Warren nods slightly, leans back in his seat.EXT. STEAKHOUSE - NIGHT The Cadillac pulls into the PARKING LOT. Credits continue. INT. STEAKHOUSE BANQUET ROOM - NIGHT ON THE WALLS -~ framed PHOTOGRAPHS of prize-winning cattle that have been slaughtered for this fine Omaha eatery. WARREN eats his steak. WIDE -~ Forty or so people sit at round tables. Warren and Helen sit at the head table. On a side table lie wrapped gifts. Warren happens to be seated right where two tables are joined. He tries crossing his legs and must mask his discomfort. GARY NORDIN, 40, clinks a knife on his water glass. GARY For my part, I'd just like to say, Warren, that as the new guy taking over for you, I hope I can fill your shoes, because from the looks of the people here and what they think of you, they sure seem awfully big. General courtesy laughter. Credits continue. GARY (CONT'D) As most of you know I recently moved here from Des Moines with my wife Patty here and Kimberly, our 14-month-old, and you've all just made us feel so welcome, and Warren, I want you to feel just as welcome to drop by the office to visit anytime you want. As we've been discussing in the last couple weeks, I might have some questions to ask you about our various accounts and such. So... here’s to you, Warren. He raises his water glass for a toast. All join in. Warren manages a smile as everyone mumbles some variation of “Here’s to Warren,” or “We’re sure going to miss you,” or “Good luck, Warren.” (CONTINUED)yr y CONTINUED: A stout older fellow with a loud, abrasive voice -- RAY NICHOLS -. chimes in. RAY Hey, Warren, how do you feel about these young punks taking over our jobs? Looks like some kind of conspiracy to me! Everyone laughs affectionately. Ray stands. RAY (CONT'D) Now I’ve known Warren here probably longer than most of you have been alive. Warren and I go way back, waaaaay back to the horse and buggy days at Woodmen. But that’s ancient history. We've been best friends not only at work but also out on the golf course and fishing up at my cabin in Minnesota.. Anyway, I know a thing or two about retirement, and what I want to say to you publicly, Warren, so all these young hotshots can hear, is that that gold watch there doesn’t mean a goddamn thing. Everyone falls silent at Ray's language, but Warren finally feels a note of connection with someone, RAY (CONT’D) And this dinner doesn’t mean a goddamn thing, and the social security and pension don’t mean a goddamn thing. Ray’s wife MILDRED smiles uncomfortably as she grabs his hand to get him to take it easy, but Ray is on a roll. RAY (CONT! D) None of these superficialities mean a goddamn thing. What means something, what really means something, Warren... Ray takes a drunken, dramatic pause. (CONTINUED)CONTINUED: (2) RAY (CONT! D) What really means something is the knowledge that you devoted your life to something meaningful, to being productive and working for a fine company -~ hell, one of the top-rated insurance carriers in the nation -- to raising a fine family, to building a fine home, to being respected by your community and having wonderful, loyal friendships. Hearing the part about raising a family, Helen places her hand on Warren's. RAY (CONT! D) At the end of his career, if a man can look back and say, “I did it. I did my job,” he can retire in glory and enjoy riches far beyond the monetary kind. So all you young people here, here’s a role model. Right here. Take a good look at a very rich man. All applaud. Ray leans over the table to shake hands with Warren. In doing so, one side of his jacket trails through his mashed potatoes and gravy. Ray sits back down, and everyone resumes eating. Warren looks at his food, can’t take another bite. He slides his chair out. WARREN (to Helen) Be right back. ANGLE FROM THE DOOR -- as Warren leaves the room behind him, INT. STEAKHOUSE LOUNGE - NIGHT Warren takes a seat at the bar. It’s noisy and crowded. There’s a SINGER accompanied by a GUY with a drum machine and keyboard. The BARTENDER puts down a cocktail napkin. BARTENDER Good evening. WARREN Vodka gimlet, please. (CONTINUED)CONTINUED: Warren sits alone at the bar waiting for his drink. It seems to take a lifetime. CREDITS END EXT, SCHMIDT HOME -- NIGHT The Cadillac pulls into the driveway and parks behind a GIANT RV. INT. SCHMIDT HOME - NIGHT Helen and Warren remove their rain coats and hang them up. The PHONE RINGS. Helen answers. HELEN Hello? Oh, hi, honey. Yeah, uh-huh, it ran a little late, yeah. Of course he is. (to Warren) Warren, get on the phone. It’s Jeannie. Warren takes the phone. Helen gets a rag and wipes up the water they spilled walking in. WARREN Jeannie, how you doing? Uh-huh. Oh, it went just fine, yeah, nice event. Oh, I know =- don’t give it another thought. You've got bigger fish to fry. I know. We’1l see you out there pretty soon anyway. The what? Of course I got it. The robe. Yeah, Countess Mara -- that’s a quite an item. You went a little overboard. From you and Randall, I see. Thank you both. It’s sure going to come in handy now. You betcha. Okay. Bye now. The moment he hangs up, his smile fades. INT. SCHMIDT BEDROOM/BATHROOM - NIGHT Warren unties his tie. Helen is at her vanity table taking off her face with cold cream. Warren continues disrobing and puts on his pajamas. HELEN Did you thank Randall? (CONTINUED)CONTINUED: WARREN I did. HELEN And what did he say? WARREN Well, I just told Jeannie HELEN You didn’t thank him personally? WARREN No. HELEN Why not? WARREN He didn’t get on the phone HELEN Why not? WARREN I don’t know. He didn’t get on the phone. HELEN You should have asked for him. You should make an effort. He’s going to be your son-in-law, and you hardly know him. WARREN I know him well enough. HELEN I wish you'd try to be more positive She’s lucky to have him. WARREN (resigned) Yeah. Okay. Yeah. HELEN You should make an effort. They go about their business. HELEN (CONT’ D} You know, my father didn’t think so much of you at first.INT, BEDROOM - MORNING Warren awakens and looks at the clock -~ it’s exactly 7:00 AM. He heads to the bathroom. Helen keeps SNORING. Camera stays on the bathroom door left ajar. We hear his ablutions -- toothbrush, urine, spit. Finally he comes out and stops, looks at ~~ EXT. DESERT - DAY A DESERT meters away. an endless ocean of SAND. Helen lies in bed some 100 THE BEDROOM AGAIN -- Warren gets his robe and heads out of the bedroom. INT. HOME OFFICE - DAY Warren sits reading the NEWSPAPER. Suddenly he hears an insistent HONK-HONK-HONK from outside. He gets up and looks through the window to see ~~ HELEN in the front seat of the RECREATIONAL VEHICLE, a brand-new WINNEBAGO ADVENTURER parked in the driveway. She smiles and gestures for him to come outside. EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY Still holding his newspaper, Warren wanders out into the driveway. The vehicle is new and clean and still has the sticker. Helen pokes her head out the window. HELEN Where to, mister? Looks like you need a ride! INT. ADVENTURER - DAY Warren opens the door and steps up. Helen is waiting at the tiny dining table. She has prepared a big breakfast -- waffles, orange juice, eggs. HELEN Surprise! (CONTINUED)CONTINUED: Warren musters a weak smile, HELEN (CONT’ D) I thought it would be fun to have breakfast in here today -- you know, see what it’ll be like. WARREN Oh, Fine. He squeezes in across from her. She pours coffee. HELEN Isn’t this fun? WARREN Well, it kind of gives us a rough idea. HELEN We're going to have a lot of good times in here, Warren. Warren doesn’t feel like going anywhere. WARREN Yeah. HELEN Phyllis Cohen told me about their trip to Padre Island. We could drive down there, down to Texas. And I still really want to see the Pacific Northwest and Oregon. And then we could take that cruise to Alaska. WARREN A cruise? Now just hold your horses. We've got plenty of time to figure all that out. Helen holds up her DIXIE CUP of orange juice. HELEN Here’s to a whole new chapter. Warren nods, does his best to seem cheery. They tap their Dixie cups together. INT. TV ROOM - DAY Warren, remote in hand, sits in front of the TV. (CONTINUED)CONTINUED: FLIP A daytime talk show. FLIP A Bob Hope-Phyllis Diller movie. FLIP Close-ups of starving wide-eyed brown and black children, flies buzzing about their eyes and mouths. An 800 number is displayed. VOICE-OVER ...tavaged by drought and famine. You'll join the thousands of caring sponsors... FLIP An exercise class - “Bodies by Jake.” FLIP Back to the starving children.’ A baby with a distended belly is weighed with negligible movement from the scale’s needle. VOICE-OVER (CONT'D) ...the only way possible: one child at a time. All it takes is just 22 dollars a month -- 73 cents a day -~ 73¢ a day now flashes at the top of the screen. VOICE-OVER (CONT'D) =- when you become a World Children’ s Crusade sponsor. You'll work the miracle of granting a future to a child desperately in need. You'll give that child the opportunity every human being deserves -- the chance to live up to his or her full potential, the chance to live a life worth living. WARREN is riveted, moved by this appeal. THE TV AGAIN - VOICE-OVER (CONT'D) Soon your child will begin to hear a voice swell within him -- the voice of pride and self-esteem, the voice that tells him someone in the world cares enough to give a helping hand. CLOSER ON WARREN ~- (CONTINUED)10. CONTINUED: (2) VOICE-OVER (CONT'D) But only if you take action, only if you pick up the phone right now and call World Crusade will one of these children have a chance at a meaningful life -- a life free from despair and hopelessness... Warren picks up the phone, and squinting at the screen puts the receiver to his ear. HELEN (0S) Warren! WARREN Just a minute. HELEN (0S) We're going to be late for supper. WARREN Just a minute. THE TV AGAIN -- more STARVING CHILDREN, looking at us with their big, round, imploring eyes. INT, RESTAURANT - NIGHT A TRAY OF FOOD -~ is carried across the dining room, resplendent with plates of prime rib; baked, mashed or hash browns; choice of spaghetti or vegetable. The WAITRESS arrives at a table where Warren and Helen Schmidt and Ray and Millie Nichols are seated. She flips open a belted tray- stand and begins serving. RAY (eyeing his meat) Saaaaay. HELEN Ooh! MILLIE Isn't this nice? RAY They do a good job here. (CONTINUED)ql. CONTINUED: WAITRESS We all set here? Anything else -~ steak sauce, extra sour cream...? RAY I think we're in good shape. HELEN Thank you. The waitress leaves them. MILLIE Isn’t she cute? They all begin eating. Silent, the four of them consume their prime rib, stare vaguely. ALL LIGHTS DIM EXCEPT FOR A LIGHT ON WARREN, and the din of the restaurant subsides. About to lift another bite to his lips, Warren stops, looks at -- -- Millie wiping mashed potato from her knife onto her fork before raising the fork to her mouth -- peas falling off a fork, bouncing with loud duns extra “au jus” dousing prime rib. WARREN'S EYES dart from place to place. Something in the SOUND implies Warren’s distorted -- or very clear -- perception. -- Helen's greasy lips part every few chews. -- A knife cuts through prime rib, an abrasive SCREECH as the knife reaches the plate. -- The burned-out bulbs on the wagon-wheel chandelier. The waitress’s calves beneath thick support hose. -- The CLOCK. Warren drops his head, pinches the bridge of his nose. Helen notices Warren's distress and leans over to him. But we can’t hear her dialogue, just the distant impression of someone speaking. WARREN No, I’m, I’m fine, Just a little tired, I guess. He takes another bite of prime rib. It tastes like carrion.2s EXT, WOODMEN OF THE WORLD - DAY The building towers over downtown Omaha. INT. WOODMEN OF THE WORLD - DAY Warren steps off the ELEVATOR of this high floor. Dressed in suit and tie and looking ready for work, he walks jauntily toward -- INT. ACTUARIAL DEPARTMENT - DAY Warren walks by the new SECRETARY. SECRETARY Oh hi, Mr. Schmidt. WARREN How are you? Say, is Gary in? SECRETARY He's right inside. Warren gives a little KNOCK and goes into -- INT. GARY'S OFFICE - DAY Warren walks into his former office, now completely rearranged. Gary is on the phone and gives Warren a gesture of “Just a sec. Have a seat.” Warren takes a seat across from the desk that used to be his. He looks at Gary’s little personal touches -- the family photograph, the motivational posters, the stress-reducing squeeze balls. GARY +.-0h yeah, That's my motto. All righty. Bye-bye. (hanging up, extending his hand to Warren) Hey, there he is! What do you say, partner? WARREN Pretty good, pretty good. How are you getting along? GARY Not too shabby. (CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 13. WARREN I see you're all moved in. GARY Oh yeah, oh yeah. So what brings you by this neck of the woods? WARREN oh, I was just driving by and I thought I/@ pop in and see what kind of trouble you're getting into. GARY Oh, you know, keeping busy. Keeping busy. WARREN And I guess I wanted to make sure you didn’t have any more questions about those pre-teen mortality risk models I was working on. Like I told you, they might seem straight-forward at first, but-- GARY No, I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on things. You did a super job of handing everything over. Just super. Smooth sailing all the way. WARREN Because I have been concerned that a few of those open items I walked you through might have slipped through the cracks, and it’s kind of been nagging at me. GARY Nope. That just sits there a moment. GARY (CONT'D) Heck, a business degree from Drake ought to be worth something. They laugh. GARY (CONT’ D) But if anything bubbles to the surface, Warren, 1/1] be sure to give you a holler. You can bet on that. (checking his watch) Oops. (MORE) (CONTINUED)4. CONTINUED: (2) GARY (CONT! D) I’ve got to get to a meeting out west. You want to take the elevator down with me? WARREN Okay. Sure. INT, WOODMEN OF THE WORLD LOBBY - DAY Gary and Warren exit the elevator and walk toward the Farnam Street doors. WARREN Well, good to see you, Gary. Nice to see you're on top of things. GARY (extending his hand) Warren, always a pleasure. WARREN Likewise. (wagging a fatherly finger) But you call me if you need anything. GARY (nodding) Have a good one. WARREN You bet. They start in opposite directions. Then -- GARY Say, Warren? WARREN Yeah? GARY Come to think of it, there is something I’ve been meaning to ask you about. WARREN (elated) Sure, Gary. What is it? (CONTINUED)15. CONTINUED: GARY Is it just me, or did you have trouble with the lock on the left-hand drawers of the desk? Because the key is super tight in there, and I keep thinking it's going to break right off. Any pointers? WARREN You have to pull up on the top drawer while you're unlocking it. That ought to do the trick. GARY Thanks, Warren. I'll give it a try. Gary turns and heads toward his car. EXT, WOODMEN OF THE WORLD BUILDING - STREET - DAY Warren walks around the building on his way back to his car. He passes a row of DUMPSTERS. Next to the last dumpster he happens to notice HIS CAREFULLY LABELED FILE BOXES, now crumpled and soggy froma recent rain. INT, SCHMIDT KITCHEN - DAY THAK! THAK! A butcher knife separates a CHICKEN LEG from a THIGH. WARREN comes in the back door. Helen wears an. apron. HELEN How'd it go at the office? WARREN Oh, fine. Good thing I stopped by. Turns out he needed my help with a few loose ends. HELEN That’s wonderful. INT. HOME OFFICE - DAY SORTING THROUGH THE MAIL shows the usual assortment of bills and ads and do you need (CONTINUED)16. CONTINUED: your carpet steam-cleaned. But one -- THICK YELLOW ENVELOPE bears the logo of WORLD CHILDREN’S CRUSADE in the corner. There is a little sketch of two children, their hands extended in a gesture that suggests asking for a hug, or for money. Warren opens the letter. INSERT -- LETTER Dear Mr. Schmidt, You're about to change the world for little Ngudu Umbo. As you become a WCC sponsor, providing the start of a meaningful and productive life for Ngudu... Warren examines the material. There’s a pamphlet entitled, “What it Means to Sponsor a Child” and a sheet describing the child: SEX M BIRTHDAY Unknown COUNTRY, TANZANIA And of course there’s a PHOTO of Ngudu: thin neck; wide, mournful eyes; black skin; puffy cheeks; close-cropped woolly hair. THE CHECK -- as Warren writes “Twenty-two and 00/100 - 7 WARREN'S EYES -- as he re-reads the material. We hear the check RIP from the pad. THE LETTER AGAIN -- THE LETTER Please consider enclosing a letter to Ngudu. You may want to include some personal information about yourself. You're not just sharing money with your child -- you're sharing your love. Warren picks up the pen, thinks about what to write, puts pen to paper. WARREN (V.0.) Dear Ngudu, My name is Warren R. Schmidt, and I am your new foster father. He pauses, can’t seem to come up with anything more, looks again at the letter -- (CONTINUED)a7. CONTINUED: (2) personal information about yourself...” Warren looks around, thinks, begins to write again. WARREN (V.0.} (CONT'D) I live in Omaha, Nebraska. My older brother Harry lives in Roanoke, Virginia with his wife Estelle. Harry lost a leg two years ago to diabetes. Another pause -- what else is there to say? WARREN (V.0.) (CONT'D) I am 66 years old and recently retired as Assistant Vice-President and Actuary at Woodmen of the World Insurance Company... He pauses a moment -- then the dam bursts. WARREN (V.0.) (CONT'D) sand goddammit if they didn’t replace me with some kid who -- all right, so maybe he's got a little theory under his belt and can plug a few numbers into a computer, but I could tell right off he doesn’t know a damn thing about genuine xeal-world risk assessment. Or managing a department, for that matter. Cocky bastard. Warren suddenly catches himself, looks at what he wrote. He scratches something out, continues writing. WARREN (V.0.) (CONT'D) Anyway, sixty-six must sound pretty old to a young fellow like yourself. The truth is it sounds pretty old to me too. I still can’t believe I’m retired already. Where has all the time gone? IN THE BATHROOM -- Warren straightens his tie in the mirror. He leans forward, squints. CLOSE ON HIS CROWSFEET WARREN (V.0.) Because when I look in the mirror and see the wrinkles around my eyes... (CONTINUED)18. CONTINUED: CLOSE ON HIS CHICKEN NECK WARREN (V.0.) (CONT'D) and the skin on my neck beginning to sag... WARREN’ S PILLOW, the indentation of his head. WARREN (V.O.) (CONT'D) ++sand the hair on my pillow... CLOSE ON WARREN’ S FOOT traced by blue lines like a road map, as he pauses while pulling on a sock. WARREN (V.0.) (CONT'D) and the veins on my ankles, I can’t believe it’s really me. INSERT -- PHOTOS of Warren’s graduation from high school and college. In a group shot of “Future Business Leaders of America,” young Warren holds up one side of the banner. In another photo, we see that Warren was once in MARCHING BAND. WARREN (V.0.) When I was a kid I used to think that maybe I was special, that somehow destiny had tapped me to be a great man -- not like Churchill or Walt Disney or somebody like that. But somebody, you know, semi important. I was also pretty gifted on the trumpet. Sounds silly now, but for a while I even dreamed of becoming a professional trumpet player. A QUICK TILT DOWN STOCK MARKET PRICES in the newspaper stops on “SCHMIDT INTL.” WARREN (V.0.) I got a degree in Business and Statistics and was planning to start my own business someday, build it up into a big corporation, watch it go public, you know, maybe make Fortune 500. THE COVER OF FORBES shows Warren on the cover, arms crossed, smiling the (CONTINUED)19, CONTINUED: confident smile of a powerful industrialist. WARREN (V.0.) I was going to be one of those guys you read about. Warren's picture on Forbes now TRANSFORMS into a black-and-white snapshot in the corner of the WOODMEN WEEKLY BUGLE newsletter. The headline reads "Schmidt Makes Assistant V-P." Next to the blurb is a list of that week's cafeteria specials. WARREN (V.0.) (CONT'D) But somehow... things just didn't work out that way. You've got to remember I had an first-rate job at Woodmen and a family to support. I couldn't exactly put their security at risk. Helen ~- that's my wife -- she wouldn't have allowed it. WARREN sits at his desk, momentarily paralyzed. Then he continues. A DESKTOP PHOTO OF HELEN AND YOUNG JEANNIE -- WARREN (V.O.) (CONT'D) Then what about my family, you might ask. What about my wife and daughter? Don't they give me all the pride and satisfaction I could want? INT. SCHMIDT BEDROOM - NIGHT CLOSE ON HELEN asleep. Her mouth hangs slack, and she SNORES LOUDLY. Warren lies wide awake, looking at her as though at a complete stranger. WARREN (V.0.) Helen and I have been married 42 years. She is the former Helen Myers of Vermillion, South Dakota. Lately, every night, I find myself asking the same question, Who is this old woman who lives in my house? WARREN AND HELEN'S WEDDING PHOTO -- ZOOMING IN on Helen’s young face. WARREN (V.0.) (CONT'D) Is this really the woman I married?20. INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY Warren watches Helen staring obsessively at the items passing the price scanner, checking them against the register’s price display. No discrepancy shall pass. WARREN (V.0.) Why do I feel I don't know her? Why is it that every little thing she does irritates me? Like the way she watches the checkout clerk at the grocery store. EXT, MALL PARKING LOT - DAY Warren carries bags as he and Helen walk to the car. Helen removes the keys from her purse and clutches them. WARREN (V.0.) And how she gets the keys out of her purse long before we reach the car. Warren looks ahead into the distance of the vast parking lot. A superimposed ARROW moving up and down points to their car far away. INT. SCHMIDT UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY A piece of furniture is laden with little STUFFED ANIMALS and FIGURINES. WARREN (V.O.) And throwing our money away on those ridiculous little collections. Turtles and hedgehogs and what have you. INT. TV ROOM - DAY Warren watches TV. Helen bustles in excitedly holding a newspaper, her finger on a full-page AD for a new chain seafood restaurant. WARREN (V.0.} And her obsession with trying new restaurants.21. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Warren and Helen entertain two other couples. WARREN (V.0.) And the way she cuts me off when I try to speak. HELEN -..and the next thing you know, Warren and I are standing there waiting for the hostess to acknowledge us, you know, to even look at us, and she goes ahead and seats the people who came in after us... Warren tries to clarify. WARREN Well, the thing is that-- HELEN ..-which normally I wouldn’t mind, you know, but we had been standing there for at least... INT. BEDROOM ~ DAY Helen sits on the edge of the bed in a vaguely grotesque position gouging under her toenails with a big TOE PICK. WARREN (V.0.) And the way she... Warren's reverie is interrupted by a shrill voice. HELEN (0S) Warren! INT. HOME OFFICE - DAY Warren looks up startled. WARREN (meek) Yes? Helen is at the door. (CONTINUED)22. CONTINUED: HELEN Lunch. He discretely covers the letter. As Helen walks away he notices -- HER SHOES the irritating FLIP-FLOP they produce. INT. KITCHEN - DAY Warren and Helen sit at the kitchen table eating TOMATO SOUP. Helen SLURPS a little too loudly. Not a word passes between them. Finally -- HELEN It’s low salt. WARREN Not bad. INT. HOME OFFICE - DAY Warren enters and eagerly gets back to writing. INSERT -- HELEN'S BUTT HITS A CHAIR WARREN (V.0.) And I hate the way she sits. INSERT HELEN’ S ARMPIT An odd shot. WARREN (V.0.) And the way she smells. INT. BATHROOM - DAY Through a cracked door we see Warren on the TOILET. His pants are around his ankles, and we hear a muffled TINKLE. WARREN (V.0.) For years now she has insisted that I sit when I urinate. My promise to lift the seat and wipe the rim and put the seat back down wasn’t good enough for her. No.23. INT. HOME OFFICE - DAY Warren takes a deep breath, composes himself, glances over at -- ‘A PHOTO of a much younger Warren smiling with his little daughter. WARREN (V.0.) (his tone softening) But then there’s Jeannie. She’s our only. I bet she’d like you -- she gets a big kick out of different languages and cultures and so forth. She used to get by pretty good in German. INT. JEANNIE’S ROOM - FLASHBACK - DAY WARREN'S POV -- Jeannie’s door magically opens, and 6-year-old Jeannie looks up from her toys and runs toward us. JEANNIE Daddy! WARREN (V.0.) She'll always be my little girl. EXT. HORSE CORRAL - FLASHBACK - DAY ANGLE FROM THE fence -- Many LITTLE GIRLS are taking riding lessons. But we quickly focus on one in particular. WARREN (V.0.) She lives out in Denver, so I don’t see her much anymore. Oh sure, we stay in touch by phone every couple weeks, and she comes out for the holidays sometimes, but not as often as we'd like. Little Jeannie looks at us and waves. JEANNIE, Daddy, look! We wave back.24. INT. BATHROOM -- FLASHBACK - NIGHT Very little Jeannie is naked in the tub playing with toys, laughing, perhaps SPLASHING us. WARREN (V.0.) She has a position of some responsibility out there with a high-tech computer outfit, so it’s very hard for her to break away. Recently she got engaged, so I suppose we’ll be seeing even less of her now. UN bY r EXT. “WATERBEDS AND MORE” - DENVER - DAY wok 2 bs A bland suburban waterbed store. Oh, look -- they’re having a sale. RANDALL HERTZELL comes walking out of the store. He is lean and tall and wears a mustache and pony-tail. He waves at us and comes walking over. WARREN (V.0.) The fellow's name is Randall Hertzel, and he's got a sales job of some sort. We met him when we were out there last year. Maybe Jeannie is a little past her prime and has put on a few pounds lately, but I still think she could have done a heck of a lot better. This guy's just not up to snuff, if you ask me. Not for my little girl. INT, GRADE SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - FLASHBACK - DAY Sixth-grade Jeannie plays VIOLIN in an orchestra RECITAL. We move closer to her. We linger on young Jeannie, very concentrated, alternately bowing and counting her rests. WARREN (V.0.) (wist£ul) Oh, Jeannie. My little Jeannie... INT. HOME OFFICE - DAY Warren draws a long melancholic breath, looks back down and decides to finish up. (CONTINUED)25. CONTINUED: WARREN (V.0.) I'll close now and get this in the mail. I've been rambling on and on, and you probably want to hurry on down and cash that check, get yourself something to eat. So take it easy, and best of luck with all your endeavors. Yours very truly, Warren Schmidt. He paper clips the check to the letter, which is by now several pages long. He has trouble folding it. INT. DINING ROOM - DAY Now in his overcoat, Warren looks into the kitchen, where Helen is bent over brandishing a DUSTBUSTER. WARREN I’m going out to mail a letter, You need anything? HELEN No. He heads toward the door. HELEN (CONT'D) Don’t dilly-dally. EXT. POST OFFICE - DAY Warren parks his Cadillac and trots inside, bearing the sealed record of his unburdened soul. INT. CADILLAC - DAY Driving his car, Warren catches sight of something alluring out of the corner of his eye. EXT. DAIRY QUEEN - POV - DAY It beckons. INT. DAIRY QUEEN - DAY It’s Warren's turn. (CONTINUED)26. CONTINUED: WARREN Um, I’11 have a Blizzard with vanilla ice cream and uh.. YOUNG FEMALE WORKER What would you like in it? WARREN Let’s see. 1/1] have some Reese’s pieces and, uh, some cookie dough. Yeah, cookie dough. EXT. DAIRY QUEEN - DAY Warren sits alone at a PICNIC TABLE eating his Blizzard on this overcast day. At the other picnic table sit-a rather large YOUNG WOMAN and her YOUNG SON. Like Warren they enjoy their Dairy Queen treats in silence. EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - DAY Warren’s Cadillac turns into his driveway. INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - DAY Warren comes in the front door, hangs his overcoat on a hook. Is Helen still vacuuming? Sounds like it. He walks toward the kitchen door and sees HELEN LYING ON THE FLOOR in an improbable position. She’s not moving now, but it’s clear that before she lost consciousness she was trying to drag a TELEPHONE toward her. ‘The sight sinks in for a moment, then Warren rushes to her, kneels and rolls her on her back. WARREN Helen! Helen! What's wrong? No response. WARREN (CONT’ D) Helen... Oh God... Helen! (panicking, shaking her) Helen! (CONTINUED)21. CONTINUED: Warren awkwardly embraces her. The dustbuster continues to WHIR, sucking at nothing. Note: During the following sequence, Warren remains in the same place in frame while the backgrounds change around him. The effect is one of a swirling out-of-body experience. INT. SCHMIDT KITCHEN - DAY Warren watches while PARAMEDICS carry out a STRETCHER. INT. MORTUARY - DAY Warren walks through a COFFIN SHOWROOM. INT, FUNERAL HOME - DAY : Warren sits across the desk from a MORTICIAN and writes a check. INT. CHURCH OFFICE - DAY Warren talks with a PRIEST, arranging for services. INT. AIRPORT GATE AREA - NIGHT Warren's daughter JEANNIE and her fiancée RANDALL HERTZEL walk off the jetway. Jeannie embraces Warren tightly. INT. FUNERAL HOME CHAPEL - NIGHT Warren accepts warm wishes from friends at the WAKE. INT. CHURCH - DAY Warren sits in the front pew next to Jeannie. END OF SEQUENCE EXT. CEMETERY - DAY Warren is seated under a graveside canopy by the burial plot. The PRIEST is talking, though we hear him only faintly. Warren looks over at ~~ (CONTINUED)28. CONTINUED: THE MOUND OF EARTH covered with a tarp. And at -- THE COFFIN hovering over a pit. And at -- THE CLOUDS on this gloomy day. And at -- HIS DAUGHTER JEANNIE seated next to him. Next to her sits Randall. LATER - ANGLE FROM INSIDE THE GRAVE We look up and see Warren peering down. INT. SCHMIDT HOME - DAY A post-funeral RECEPTION is winding down -- there are glasses and plates everywhere. People are filing out. Jeannie and Randall are beginning to clear dishes and put chairs back in place. Warren says his GOOD-BYES to the last of the guests -- Ray Nichols and a couple of old friends, GEORGE and JOANNE. JOANNE We’ re going to miss Helen so much. WARREN Yeah. JOANNE She was the greatest woman, just the Sweetest, warmest, most wonderful... WARREN Thank you. GEORGE If you need anything -- anything at all -- you give us a call. Okay? WARREN Yeah. GEORGE (emphatically) Okay? (CONTINUED)29. CONTINUED: WARREN Yeah. They leave. Dear old Ray, the last to leave, is quite broken up and has trouble fighting tears. RAY I can’t believe it, Warren. I still can’t believe it. WARREN I know, Ray. I know. RAY She just... she was too young... she was just so... WARREN I know, Thank you, Ray. You're a good friend. They shake hands firmly and reach around for a brief manly hug. RAY You take care of yourself, Warren. WARREN Iwill, Ray. You too. We'll see you real soon, Thanks for everything. Ray leaves, shaking his head, lost in grief. Warren closes the door and heads toward the dining room, where Jeannie and Randall are working. WARREN (CONT'D) Nice of everybody to bring all this food. All these cold cuts. Going to have a lot of leftovers. Warren surveys the food, gets momentarily lost in thought. CLOSE ON -~ =~ yellow CHEESE CUBES. folded slices of ROAST BEEF with a CHERRY TOMATO in the center. -- a plate of RICE KRISPIE BARS. WARREN (CONT'D) Yep. Jeannie approaches her father and hugs him. (CONTINUED)30. CONTINUED: (2) JEANNIE Oh, Dad. WARREN I know, Jeannie. I know. Jeannie cries softly, and Warren strokes her hair. Randall quietly observes this intimate moment, moved by such a deep connection between father and daughter. Unable to contain his love, Randall steps forward and rubs Jeannie’s back. He then extends a comforting hand onto Warren’s shoulder. RANDALL She was a very special lady. Warren opens his eyes and looks at Randall’s face inches away. RANDALL (CONT D) I for one am really going to miss her. I miss her already. I know we all do. Warren now breaks the embrace with Jeannie, an embrace completely sullied by this interloper. Randall picks up an almost empty bottle of WHITE WINE and pours it into three PLASTIC CUPS. RANDALL (CONT’D) Let’s drink to her. He hands a cup to Jeannie and another to Warren, who accepts it reluctantly. RANDALL (CONT’ D) Here’s to Helen, They broke the mold. They broke the mold. (gazing heavenward) Helen, we love you and we miss you. And we always will. Here’s to you. Randall downs his wine in one gulp. Jeannie sips hers. Warren just puts his glass back down on the table. INT. WARREN’S OFFICE - NIGHT Weary from the day, Warren seeks a moment of solitude. He sits at his desk opening and reading notes of condolence. Randall appears in the open doorway. (CONTINUED)CONTINUED: Randall re: Then ~~ 31. RANDALL (very concerned) How you doing? You doing okay? WARREN I’m fine. RANDALL Sure? WARREN Yeah. You ought to get to bed. RANDALL. We're on our way. I just thought I’d check up on you. Must be really tough. I remember when my aunt died. Tt was so unreal. It was the fourth of July. 1/11 never forget it. ~ flects momentarily on the cruel fleeting nature of life. RANDALL (CONT'D) So listen, Warren, I know now’s definitely not the time to talk about it, but before we leave if you want to take a few minutes and get your mind off all this... craziness, there’s something real important I want to talk to you about. WARREN What that? RANDALL It’s an investment opportunity. And one that I don’t think you'll want to pass up. And I want to give you first crack at it. WARREN oh? RANDALL And it’s not a pyramid scheme. A lot of people think it’s a pyramid scheme, but it’s not. It's almost guaranteed you can double your money, maybe even triple it, in the first year alone. I’ve looked into it and... The thing is, Warren, you know, I’m not going to be selling waterbeds forever. I got plans. (MORE) (CONTINUED)32. CONTINUED: (2) RANDALL (CONT'D) We've never had much chance to talk about it, you and I, but I got a pretty good business head on me, and, you know, I been going to a lot of seminars lately and listening to a lot of tapes and I really -- WARREN Can we... can we talk about this tomorrow? RANDALL Oh yeah. Right. Absolutely. That’s what I was saying. Whenever you're ready. WARREN Goodnight, Randall. RANDALL Goodnight, Warren. You hang in there. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Warren is in bed but he can’t sleep. He rolls on his side and stares at the void beside him. He reaches out one hand and touches the empty pillow. His fingers discover a stray GRAY HAIR. LATER ~~ WARREN’ S HAND turns his ALARM CLOCK around. It’s 3:26 AM. INT, HALLWAY - NIGHT Warren pads out of the bedroom and in the darkness makes his way to the stairway. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Warren sits in a chair drinking a glass of milk. INT. TV ROOM - DAY Warren wakes up on the sofa. He looks around, dazed. How did I end up here? (CONTINUED)age CONTINUED: Suddenly his attention is drawn to what awakened him -- the distant WHIR of Helen’s dustbuster. Warren rises and follows the sound. INT. KITCHEN - DAY Warren pushes open a swinging door to reveal -- RANDALL on his hands and knees dressed in sweats, cleaning up spilled coffee grounds. WARREN Turn that off. Randall turns around, startled. RANDALL. Huh? WARREN I said turn it off! Frightened by Warren’s outburst, Randall fumbles for the switch. RANDALL Sorry. I’m sorry, I just... WARREN (composing himself) Use a broom. (pointing) In the little closet over there. Warren exits back through the swinging door. EXT, UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY Warren shuffles upstairs in his pajamas. He pauses briefly to look into Jeannie’s room, then continues on and stops in front of the open doorway to -- INT. WARREN AND HELEN'S BEDROOM - DAY OVER WARREN’S SHOULDER -- Jeannie stands in front of her mother’s dresser, looking forlornly through the knickknacks, jewelry boxes and framed photos. Warren observes her for a moment. Then ~~ (CONTINUED)34. CONTINUED: WARREN There you are, JEANNIE Oh, hi Dad. WARREN (entering the room) Why don’t you take some of those things? Take whatever you want. Jeannie holds up a STRING OF PEARLS. JEANNIE Maybe just this for now. WARREN For God’s sake, take more than that. I’m going to have to go through her things pretty soon and, you know, donate it all or whatever so... JEANNIE I wish I could stay and help you out with all this, Dad, but... WARREN No, I know. I know... JEANNIE, +. I’ve already used up all my personal days this year, not even counting the honeymoon, and Randall’s got to get back to the store, and all the wedding plans... WARREN (a sigh) Yeah. The wedding. JEANNIE (holding back tears) I can’t believe she’s not going to be there. She’s not going to see my wedding. Warren puts his arm around her. We can tell they are unaccustomed to such closeness. They sit on the bed. (CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 35. (2) WARREN (affectionate You know what’s flashing through my mind right now? JEANNIE What’s that? WARREN Oh, just when you were little and we all used to go to Elmwood Park, and you'd swing and ride that thing that goes around and slide down the slide. JEANNIE, Yeah. WARREN And when I used to take you to riding lessons at Ponca. JEANNIE No. That was Mom. Mom always took me to horseback riding. WARREN You sure? Because I distinctly remember taking you to horseback riding lessons. JEANNIE I don’t think so. Maybe once. WARREN I’m pretty sure it was more than once. Well, anyway, that's a nice memory. JEANNIE, Yeah. INT. KITCHEN - DAY Warren is Jeannie is sitting at the kitchen table awaiting the sandwich that preparing for him. JEANNIE, Mayonnaise or mustard? WARREN I like both. (CONTINUED)CONTINUED: Jeannie br: 36. JEANNIE Okay. WARREN And don’t toast the bread too much. I don’t like my bread very toasted. JEANNIE Got it. WARREN And I’1l have some of those barbecue potato chips. Not the plain ones. Those are your mother’s. The barbecue ones are mine. In fact, you and Randall can take those plain ones. They'll just go to waste here. I won’t eat them. Maybe you can eat them on the plane. JEANNIE Fine. WARREN It's so good to see you. I sure wish you didn’t have to get back so soon, Can‘t you stay a few more days? I feel like we really haven’t had a chance to, you know, catch up. JEANNIE I know. WARREN Couldn’t you just talk to them at work? They'd understand. (a feeble joke) Heck, who's going to take care of me? ings over a plate of food and a glass of milk. JEANNIE Here’s your sandwich. WARREN Oh, wonderful. Just wonderful. JEANNIE You know, Dad, you’ re going to have to get used to taking care of yourself now. (CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 37. @) WARREN (mid-chew) Mmm. I know. JEANNIE You're might have to hire a maid. WARREN A maid? Oh, no. I'll be all right. 1 don’t need that extra expense. JEANNIE At least for a few weeks while you're dealing with this. WARREN That's why I’m asking you to stay and help me out. JEANNIE Dad, I told you. I wish I could, but I can't. I've got too much going on. WARREN I understand. You do what you need to do. I'll be fine. JEANNIE And even if I could get more time off, I've got the wedding. That’s a full-time job all its own. WARREN Now that you mention it, I think you should consider postponing it. JEANNIE Postpone the wedding? We can’t do that. It's all set. WARREN Because I took the liberty of making a couple of calls this week, and if we made a decision right now, we'd only forfeit half the deposit on the church and 25% of the reception hall. I’m just saying you might want to take this opportunity to, you know, rethink things. JEANNIE But everyone’s invited and RSVP’d and everything. (CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 38. (3) WARREN They’d understand. I mean, out of respect for your mother. She would have approved. JEANNIE Uh-uh. Mom wouldn’t want us to change anything. WARREN The thing is, Jeannie, your mother and I spoke a number of times very seriously about you and Randall. JEANNIE And? What did she say? WARREN Just that... she loved you and she wanted you to be happy. And that maybe this thing with Randall... well, she just wanted to be sure you’re not going to have any regrets, that's all. So you might want to keep your options open. JEANNIE But she helped us pick the date, and I was on the phone with her almost every day planning it and ordering things. I really don't know what you're talking about. I don’t think she’d want us to change it at all. WARREN All right. Okay. Have it your way. You know best, you and your mother. JEANNIE, You know, if you want to, you can just tell me what you think. You don't have to hide behind Mom. WARREN I've said my peace. Let's just leave it alone now. JEANNIE Dad... WARREN Let's just leave it alone. (CONTINUED)39. CONTINUED: (4) They sit in silence a moment. Warren continues eating. WARREN (CONT'D) Good sandwich. Jeannie looks at her father as though he were a complete stranger. She gets up and gets a beer from the refrigerator. JEANNIE, Dad? WARREN Hmm? JEANNIE Why did you get such a cheap casket? WARREN What? JEANNIE I could tell you got the cheapest casket. Everybody could. WARREN (swallowing first) That is not true. That is not true. I specifically did not choose, as you say, the cheapest casket. There was one less expensive which they showed me and I refused. JEANNIE You mean... a pine box? WARREN I don’t remember what it was. JEANNIE So you got the second cheapest casket. WARREN Do you know what the mark-up is in that business? Your mother and I agreed we weren't going to throw our money away on funerals. Look, I know you're upset, but I don’t think it’s right for you to focus on one little thing and take it out on me. JEANNIE She waited on you hand and foot. Couldn't you have splurged on her just once? Once? (CONTINUED)40. CONTINUED: (5) WARREN Hey, hey, hey. What are you talking about? What about the Winnebago out there? What do you call that? That’s an expensive vehicle. I didn’t want to get it, but I did. That was completely your mother’s idea. JEANNIE She told me she had to pay for like half of it. She said she had to sell some of her stock to pay for it. WARREN That was her decision, I was willing to go as far as the Minnie-Winnie, but no, she had to have the Adventurer. She wanted the whole she-bang. What was I supposed to do -- tell her she couldn't? It was her money. No, you can’t call me to task on that one. Now the front door opens and slams, and a VOICE calls from the living room RANDALL (0S) Jeannie? Jeannie? JEANNIE In here, Randall. RANDALL (0S) Where? JEANNIE In here! IN HERE! Randall opens the door. RANDALL Oh, hey. There you are. Thirty minute warning. You better get packed. JEANNIE Here I come. Jeannie heads out the door. Randall watches her go, then turns to Warren. RANDALL. Looks like you two were having a little heart-to-heart.41. EXT, EPPLEY AIRFIELD - DAY Establishing shots. INT, EPPLEY AIRFIELD TERMINAL - DAY Randall, Jeannie and Warren step off the ESCALATOR and head toward the gates. Jeannie and Randall carry their hand-luggage. Jeannie suddenly remembers something. JEANNIE Randall, did you talk to Dad about that. book? RANDALL That's right. I forgot. Say, Warren, did you ever read “When Bad Things Happen to Good People?” WARREN No. RANDALL It's really amazing. It really helped me out when my aunt died. You should read it. When Jeannie and I get back to Denver, I’m going to send you my copy. The workbook too. I did most of the exercises, but you can just write next to my answers. WARREN Thank you, Randall. That'd be great. INT. MIDWEST EXPRESS GATE AREA ~ DAY The flight is boarding. Randall and Warren shake hands. WARREN So long, Randall. RANDALL You'll be in our prayers. And I’m going to e-mail you about that investment thing, okay? WARREN Oh, yes. Thank you. (CONTINUED)42. CONTINUED: Warren turns to his daughter. WARREN (CONT'D) Okay, Jeannie. Father and daughter embrace. JEANNIE (in his ear) Take care of yourself, Dad. After a moment, Jeannie releases her arms but Warren holds on, unable to let go, his eyes still closed. FLASH! Randall takes a SNAPSHOT to capture the moment. The camera begins its NOISY AUTO REWIND -~ the end of the roll. RANDALL, That was a good one. That's going to be a really great shot. Warren and Jeannie release their embrace. While she gathers her carry-on baggage, Warren watches her, on the verge of tears. RANDALL (CONT! D) Yeah, I got the plane in the background. Very cool. JEANNIE, (to Warren) Bye, Dad. WARREN So long, Jeannie. JEANNIE, So we'll see you in a few weeks, okay? WARREN Okay. RANDALL Bye, Warren. Jeannie and Randall head toward the JETWAY. RANDALL (CONT'D) You take care. Warren watches them present their BOARDING PASSES to the STEWARDESS, Randall goes first through the doors. (CONTINUED)2 43. CONTINUE! (2) Jeannie gives her father a final little wave, then proceeds around the corner. HOLD on the empty frame. WARREN (V.0.) Dear Ngudu, I hope you're sitting down, because I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. EXT. EPPLEY AIRFIELD PARKING STRUCTURE - DAY Warren trudges back to his car. WARREN (V.0.) Since I last wrote to you, my wife Helen -- your foster mother -- passed away unexpectedly of an aneurysm. INT, CADILLAC - DAY Warren sits in his seat, draws the lapbelt around him, puts his key into the ignition. WARREN (V.0.) The services were lovely and very well attended. Jeannie came in from Denver with her friend, and folks drove up from as far away as Des Moines and Wichita. It was a very moving tribute, anyway you look at it. I wish you could have been there. Warren turns the key in his ignition and is rewarded only with the GRINDING SOUND of a bad starter. His anguish and frustration rising to the surface, he tries again, but this time he keeps the key engaged, forcing the starter to eat itself alive. EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY A TOW TRUCK is backing into position, preparing to haul Warren’s car away. Warren stands nearby. EXT, SCHMIDT HOME - DUSK Warren is dropped off by a TAXI. (CONTINUED)44. CONTINUED: WARREN (V.0. CONTD) But now that all the excitement is over, and the smoke has cleared... INT. SCHMIDT HOME - DUSK Warren closes the front door and turns to face the vast emptiness and silence of his home. WARREN (V.0.) it’s just me and my thoughts knocking around in this big old house. He wanders into the -- INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS -- and absently opens the refrigerator. It’s full of left-overs from the funeral reception. WARREN (V.O. CONTD) Funny thing is, that’s the way it was way back when, before I had a wife, before I had a career... before I had a daughter. Warren digs out a slice of AMERICAN CHEESE and begins unwrapping it. INT. TV ROOM - NIGHT WE MOVE CLOSER TO WARREN sitting next to a lamp, drinking a SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS. There’s a Husker game on TV, but he’s not really watching. WARREN (V.O. CONTD) I believe I mentioned in my previous letter that I was an actuary at Woodmen of the World Insurance Company. If I am given a man’s age, race, profession, place of residence, marital status and medical history, I’can calculate with great probability how long that man will live. In my own case, now that my wife has died, there is a 73% chance that I will die within eleven years, provided I do not re-marry. He leans his head onto the chair back and rests his eyes, his mouth dropping open. (CONTINUED)45. CONTINUED: WARREN (V.0.) (CONT'D) All I know is I’ve got to make the best of whatever time I have left. Life is short, Ngudu. I can't afford to waste another minute. DISSOLVE TO: INT. TV ROOM - DAY Warren’s face is in the SAME POSITION on the chair, but now he sports DARK CIRCLES under his eyes and a FIVE-DAY GREY BEARD. He awakens. As he gets up, we sense that he hasn’t changed out of his pajamas in days. WARREN (V.0. CONTD) Now I don’t want to kid you -- adjusting to life without Helen has been quite a challenge. INT, KITCHEN - DAY DISHES are piled up. The GARBAGE overflows. Flies BUZZ. WARREN (V.O.) But I think you’d be proud of me. Yep, this house is under new management, but you'd never know the difference. He opens the refrigerator but sees nothing of interest. In fact, there’s almost NOTHING in there. WARREN (V.O.) (CONT'D) Helen wouldn’t want me sitting around, wallowing in self-pity, no-siree-bob Why, she'd tell me to shape up or ship out. He opens a cupboard and finds only a stale package of TACO SHELLS. Warren fishes one out of the box and takes a bite. EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY Now attired rather haphazardly -- perhaps his shirt is misbuttoned -- Warren climbs into the ADVENTURER and starts it up. (CONTINUED)46. CONTINUED: WARREN (V.0. CONTD) So I try to get out as much as I can, you know, try to stay active, stick to my xoutine. That’s very important in the face of big life changes. EXT. HY-VEE SUPERMARKET - DAY The Adventurer arrives, Captain Warren at the helm. It consumes two parking spaces. INT. HY-VEE SUPERMARKET - DAY IN THE FROZEN FOOD AISLE -- Warren stocks up on frozen EGG ROLLS, TATER TOTS, MINI PIZZA ROLLS, HUNGRY MAN DINNERS and cartons and cartons of ICE CREAM, . WARREN (V.0.) Oh sure, I’m not quite the cook Helen was, but I remember a trick or two from my bachelor days. 5 AT THE MEAT SECTION -- Warren selects a tray of EIGHT PORK CHOPS. A WOMAN shopping close to Warren gets a good whiff of his STENCH and quickly moves away. EXT. HY-VEE SUPERMARKET - DAY Warren has just finished loading the last of a DOZEN GROCERY BAGS into the open door of the Adventurer. WARREN (V.0.) It's a lot of work keeping a household together, and I suppose eventually I’11 sell the place and move to a little condo =- you know, less upkeep and so forth -~ but for now I’m getting by just fine. Suddenly he is seized with a mild discomfort, realizes he forgot something, WARREN (CONT'D) Damn. He slams the Adventurer door and heads back toward the store.47. INT, HY-VEE SUPERMARKET - DAY FROM A SHELF -- Warren selects the largest tube of PREPARATION H. IN THE LIQUOR AISLE -- Warren is heading toward the checkout counters, but passing all those inviting rows of alcohol, he picks up a bottle of CUTTY SARK. APPROACHING THE CHECKOUT COUNTERS -~ Warren sees that even the express lanes are JAMMED. At first defeated, he gets an idea. Is anyone looking? Warren CONCEALS the ointment and the bottle on his person and nonchalantly saunters toward the exit. EXT, HY-VEE SUPERMARKET - DAY Five steps out of the store, Warren is approached by a PLAIN CLOTHES SECURITY GUARD and 2 BAG BOY. GUARD Sire sic Warren’s eyes go wide, and he speeds up, pretending not to hear. GUARD (CONTD) (CONT'D) Hey, buddy, I’m talking to you! Warren FREEZES. The Cutty Sark slips and SMASHES on the pavement. INT. HY-VEE EMPLOYEE LOCKER ROOM - DAY Warren sits uncomfortably on a metal FOLDING CHAIR, his head in his hands. On a small table in front of him is the tube of Preparation H. The guard and the STORE MANAGER watch him. The store manager shakes his head -- it takes all kinds. Warren looks in his wallet, pulls out his HY-VEE CARD. WARREN I’ve got one of these. Been shopping here for years. Can’t you let it go just this once? I'll pay you whatever you want. (CONTINUED)48. CONTINUED: MANAGER You should have thought about that before you left the store. Two BURLY OMAHA POLICEMEN come through the door. POLICEMAN #1 This the guy? INT. OMAHA POLICE DEPARTMENT - NIGHT THROUGH IRON BARS -- Warren is in a holding cell, sitting on a bench across froma WINO. OFFICER (0S) Okay, hemorrhoids, Let’s go. Gathering what shreds of dignity left him, Warren rises. WARREN The name is Schmidt. Warren Schmidt. EXT. HY-VEE PARKING LOT - NIGHT No cars remain in this section of the parking lot, none except the ADVENTURER. A POLICE CRUISER rolls up and lets Warren out. WARREN Appreciate the ride, officers. POLICEMAN #2 You stay out of trouble now. INT. ADVENTURER - NIGHT Warren opens the door and climbs in, He dives into his bags like a hyena, and his hands get covered in milky GOO. He holds up the source -- a carton of MELTED ICE CREAM. Now he unearths a box of TATER TOTS and opens it, ravenously stuffing the thawed little puffs into his mouth. WARREN (V.0.) Oh sure, sometimes I can be a tad forgetful and miss a meal or two, but I guess that’s hardly worth mentioning to someone in your situation.49. INT, SCHMIDT BATHROOM - NIGHT Warren lies asleep in his BATHTUB, a newspaper dangling from his hand, his mouth slack. He startles awake, looks around, is completely disoriented. WARREN (V.0.) It occurred to me that in my last letter I might have misspoken and used some negative language in reference to my late wife. But you have to understand that I was under a lot of pressure following my retirement. INT, BEDROOM - NIGHT Warren takes a seat at Helen's vanity table and smells her perfume, even begins to apply COLD CREAM to his face. WARREN (V.0.) I’m not going to lie to you, Ngudu. I miss her. I miss my Helen. It’s been a rough few weeks, and I’ve been pretty, you know, broken up from time to time. INT. BEDROOM - NIGET HELEN'S CLOSET Warren approaches it as though it were a holy shrine. He opens it. INSIDE THE CLOSET -- He’s touching her dresses one by one, smelling them, remembering the times she wore them. WARREN (V.0.) Helen dedicated her life to me and to raising our family. I guess I just didn’t know how lucky I was to have a wife like Helen until she was gone. I was so blessed. MINUTES LATER ~~ Warren is sitting on the floor opening all of Helen’s SHOEBOXES. Her little feet, her little shoes... (CONTINUED)50. CONTINUED: WARREN (V.0.) (CONT'D) (his voice quavering) Remember that, young man -- you've got to appreciate what you have while you still have it. Helen... I just can’t believe she’s gone. He opens one more box but instead of finding shoes, he discovers a slim bundle of LETTERS bound by a purple ribbon. Letters? I never wrote her any letters. INT, HOME OFFICE - NIGHT At his desk, Warren is reading from the letters. With every word he DEFLATES a little more, his face sagging, his eyes clouding. FROM ABOVE -- Warren drops his head in his hands, the LETTERS laid out before him like leaves torn from a book of broken dreams. INT. SCHMIDT BEDROOM - NIGET Warren lugs huge armloads of CLOTHING out of Helen’s closet and dumps them into cardboard BOXES. TINT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Warren empties drawers and cabinets of MAKEUP and TOILETRIES into a BOX. TNT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT Warren runs his arm across the shelves of Helen's COLLECTABLES, sweeping them into HEFTY BAG. EXT. HI-VEE SUPERMARKET PARKING LOT - DAY The Adventurer pulls to a stop in front of a SALVATION ARMY DONATION STATION. The Adventurer’s side door swings opens, and out come BOX AND BAGS of Helen’s belongings, some of them spilling their contents. EXT. BARBER PARKING LOT - DAY THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD OF THE ADVENTURER ~~ (CONTINUED)51. CONTINUED: Warren watches the outside of the shop. Someone emerges. IT’S RAY NICHOLS -- striding toward his Chrysler. Warren jumps out of the Adventurer and heads toward Ray. RAY Jesus, Warren! You scared me. What are you doing here? Warren says nothing. RAY (CONT’D) You look terrible. What's the matter? WARREN I thought you’d want these back. Warren ineffectually HURLS the wad of letters at Ray, and they flutter off in all directions. Ray captures one of the letters against his chest and examines it. As it all sinks in -- RAY Oh, God, Warren. Oh, Jesus. Warren just stares at him, fuming. RAY (CONT'D) That was so long ago, Warren. Must be twenty-five, thirty years. I... oh, Jesus. I never thought... She kept these? (slightly proud) I can’t believe she kept these. Warren rushes Ray and STRIKES him with open palms like a ridiculous windmill. Ray does his best to block Warren’s blows. RAY (CONT'D) Jesus, Warren. Stop it. Stop hitting me. Let’s talk about this. Ray manages to put a car between him and Warren. WARREN You were my friend. Warren heads back to the Adventurer. RAY (calling after him) It was all just a stupid mistake, Warren. (MORE) (CONTINUED)582. CONTINUED: (2) RAY (CONT'D) You were out in Frisco, and things started up and just got a little out of hand, that’s all. I’m sorry. WARREN (as he gets in the Adventurer) It's over. It’s all over. It’s all over. RAY Warren...! VRRRM! VRRRM! VRRRRRRRRRRM! Warren REVS the Adventurer and with a SCREECH pulls violently out of the parking lot, knocking over a garbage can on the way. EXT. SCHMIDT HOME - DAY Warren pulls the Adventurer into the driveway and walks toward his house. MRS. BRUSH is watering her lawn next door. MRS. BRUSH How are you getting along, Warren? WARREN Oh, fine, just fine. How are you? MRS. BRUSH We're fine, but we sure miss Helen. I don’t have anyone to give my Sunset magazines to anymore. WARREN Oh yeah. She liked that. Well, nice to see you there, Mary. Give my best to Julius. MRS. BRUSH Will do, We'll see ya. INT. SCHMIDT HOME - DAY Still smiling from his neighborly exchange, Warren walks through the living room and OUT OF SIGHT down the hall. CAMERA HOLDS on the empty hall. Then -- loud, wailing SOBS waft toward us from the distance. The sobs continue as we wander through Warren's home examining mementos from his life -~ (CONTINUED)53. CONTINUED: =~ A PHOTOGRAPH of a group of men who completed a management training seminar. -- A CERTIFICATE of recognition of 25 years of service at Woodmen. -- A PHOTOGRAPH of Warren shaking hands with SPIRO AGNEW. -- A GOLD WATCH displayed in its velvet case. -- Warren and Helen's WEDDING PICTURE. INT. BATHROOM - DAY A tidy place with lace curtains and patterned wallpaper. Little wrapped seashell soaps and a stack of "fancy" paper napkins sit on the sink basin. Still sniffling, Warren enters, lowers his trousers, and begins to sit. He catches himself and STANDS. He reaches to lift the seat but on second thought leaves it down. CLOSE ON WARREN as his stream commences. He gets an IDEA. He raises first one hand, then the other. The sound of the stream shifts randomly from water-on-water to water-on-plastic to water-on-rug. Now Warren begins to turn completely around -- slowly completing one full circle, then another, finally picking up the pace and SPINNING like a top, anointing the entire bathroom. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Warren is in the midst of a troubled, fitful sleep. We MOVE CLOSER to him, and just as we’re upon him he OPENS HIS EYES. He has had a REVELATION. He rises. WHOOMP! A SUITCASE hits the bed and is opened wide. Warren opens his closet, begins to remove clothes and place them on the bed. THE SUITCASE AGAIN -- As Warren struggles to zip it shut.54, EXT. INTERSTATE - SUNRISE The Adventurer zooms past a sign “Now leaving Omaha.” INT, ADVENTURER - MORNING Warren drives, determined, obsessed. EXT. GAS STATION - DAY A weary and disheveled Warren is at a PAYPHONE. CHEERY WOMAN'S VOICE (ON PHONE) (a recording) You've reached Moon Dog Electronics. If you know your party’s extension -- BEEP-BEEP-BEEP -- Warren presses three digits and is transferred to -~ JEANNIE (ON PHONE) Shipping and receiving, this is Jeannie. WARREN Jeannie, it’s Dad. How are you? JEANNIE (ON PHONE) Totally swamped. What’s up? WARREN Well, I have a big surprise for you. Guess what. JEANNIE (ON PHONE) What? WARREN I'm on the road. I’m on my way out to see you. Right now I'm just outside Grand Island. JEANNIE (ON PHONE) What are you talking about? WARREN Jeannie, I've been thinking about things, and how much you mean to me and how little time you and I have spent together these past few years. (MORE) (CONTINUED)55. CONTINUED: Silence. WARREN (CONT'D) And all of a sudden I realized, what the heck am I doing in Omaha when you're out there and I could be with you? We should be together. JEANNIE (ON PHONE) You’ re coming now? WARREN If I drive straight through, 1/11 be there in time for supper. Then -- JEANNIE (ON PHONE) I don’t think so, Dad. That’s not a good idea. WARREN Sure it is. Don't tell me you couldn't use a little extra help with all those wedding arrangements. I'll help take the burden off. JEANNIE (ON PHONE) The thing is, Dad, we don’t need your help. Roberta and I -- and Becky -- pretty much have everything under control. Roberta’s been amazing, by the way. WARREN Well, I could get your finances in order, or maybe see about getting the house painted like you and Randall were talking about. Look, I've just been sitting in Omaha twiddling my thumbs when I should be out there with you. It'll give us a chance to spend some quality time together and have some good talks, you know, before I lose you forever. JEANNIE (ON PHONE) Dad, you're not listening. It’s not a good time for you to come. It’s just not. (shouting at a co-worker) No, use the bubble-wrap on that one. It’s too big. (to Warren again) I'm sorry, Dad, but I don’t know any other way to say it. Frankly at this point, you'd just be in the way. (CONTINUED)56. CONTINUED: (2) WARREN No, I wouldn't. I'll just sleep in the Winnebago. It's very comfortable. By the way, she’s really handling great on the open road. Smooth as silk. JEANNIE (ON PHONE) Dad. Let's stick to the plan, and you get here a day or two before the wedding like we said. Just turn around and go home. Please. I mean, it’s a nice offer, but like I say, we've got too much going on around here. WARREN (wounded pride) I assume you won't object to me sending any more of those checks. JEANNIE (ON PHONE) Jesus, Dad. I don’t have time for this. MOMENTS LATER - Warren trudges back to the Adventurer. CLOSE ON THE GAS PUMP as the total passes $41.00 with no end in sight. WIDE Warren is filling the seemingly bottomless tank of the Adventurer. It’s as though he were trying to fill his empty soul. A pot-bellied FARMER wanders by. FARMER That an Adventurer? WARREN Yep. FARMER. Thought so. Where you headed? Warren is caught off-guard. That’s a very good question. WARREN Out to Denver. FARMER Denver, huh? WARREN My daughter’s getting married. (CONTINUED)57. CONTINUED: (3) FARMER Say! Congratulations. WARREN But I’ve got a few days to kill on the way, so I suppose I’m going to take my time about it. Maybe see some sights. FARMER You going to visit Pioneer Village? WARREN Now that you mention is, that’s a good idea. My wife and I must have driven by it a dozen times, but she never wanted to stop. FARMER She didn’t, did she? CLOSE ON WARREN WARREN Now I’m going to stop. THE GAS GAUGE AGAIN -- It STOPS on $62.37. EXT. I-80 - CENTRAL NEBRASKA - DAY Warren’s RV makes its way across this flat, sprawling agricultural landscape. The composition of the shots and the music reinforce Warren’s sense of loneliness and alienation. INT. ADVENTURER - DAY Warren drives, a sad, anxious expression on his face. Suddenly ~~ WARREN (mocking Jeannie) “At this point you'd just be in the way.” WARREN NOW SEES A BIG SIGN ~~ “Harold Warp’s Pioneer Village. See How America Grew. Next Exit.” Warren beams.EXT. MINDEN, NEBRASKA - DAY 58. The Adventurer approaches the compound known as Harold Warp’s Pioneer Village. As Warren emerges from the Adventurer, his expression reveals a deep sense of the moment, of arriving at a place long dreamed about. He arrives at the FRONT DOOR to the main building and tries to open it, but it’s LOCKED. He peers through the window and in the distance notices a MAN wearing a toolbelt. knocks loudly. MAN (approaching) We're closed for repairs. Nobody here. Come back after the 22nd. WARREN How's that? MAN (louder) We're closed until the 22nd. WARREN Oh. Thank you. INT. ADVENTURER - DAY Warren is driving, a desperate look on his bleary face. WARREN (V.0.) Dear Ngudu, How are you? I am fine. A week or so ago, I decided to take a little road trip on my way to Jeannie’s wedding out in Denver. Jeannie had wanted me to come out early and help with the arrangements, but I told her I needed some time to myself. EXT, HIGHWAY - DAY The big Adventurer rolls along. WARREN (V.O.) So I decided to visit some places I hadn’t been to in a long time and maybe try to figure out what has made my who I am today. (MORE) Warren (CONTINUED)59. CONTINUE! WARREN (V.0.) (CONT'D) There’s so much of my life I can’t seem to remember, Ngudu, whole sections of my life that are just... gone. The Adventurer now takes an EXIT. WARREN (V.0.) (CONT'D) My first stop was none other than Holdrege, Nebraska. I thought it might be fun to re-visit the house where I was born sixty-seven years ago next April. EXT. HOLDREGE, NEBRASKA - DAY THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD -- The “Welcome to Holdrege” sign replete with logos of Rotary, Kiwanis and Lions. WARREN (V.0.) We moved away from Holdrege when I was not much older than you, and I’ve often wondered what our old house would look like today. Funny, I never forgot the address -- 249 Locust Avenue. I remember my Dad said he paid $11,500 for that place. Believe it or not, that was a lot of money in those days. A STREET SIGN -- LOCUST AVENUE Warren guides his vessel around the corner. WARREN (V.0.) (CONT'D) 249 Locust Avenue. Yes, siz. He looks out the window scanning the addresses. All these old houses: 225, 229, 237, 243 and finally -- LOCUST AVENUE. But wait -- there’s no house here. It’s a -- EXT, FOUR-DAY TIRE STORE - DAY Looks as if that lot was re-zoned. At first crestfallen, Warren quickly decides to make the best of it. After all, he’s come all these miles, waited all these years. The Adventurer pulls into the parking lot.60. INT. FOUR-DAY TIRE STORE - DAY Warren walks into this modern tire store as though walking reverently into his past. It’s all coming back to him. A chipper TIRE SALESMAN named KEN comes up. KEN Can I help you, sir? WARREN No, that’s okay. I’m just looking around, I used to live here. KEN Here... in the store? WARREN Yep. My childhood home was right on this spot. (walking a few steps, extending his hands) In fact my bedroom would have been right about here, the dining room over there and -- (catching himself) Of course, that was a long time ago. Way before you were born. Warren wanders off, lost in his memories. The MUSIC SWELLS with a deep sense of nostalgia, and SOUNDS FROM THE PAST now filter in -- a child practicing piano, a lively dinner, a scolding mother, a game of hopscotch, a barking dog. Warren looks wistfully out the store’s front window. WARREN (CONT'D) You're not going to believe this, but we used to have a tire swing right out front. KEN Huh. Well, listen, you let me know if you need any help with some tires today. My name’s Ken. WARREN (touched) Thank you.61. EXT. FOUR-DAY TIRE STORE - DAY On his way back to the Adventurer, Warren surveys the parking lot as though it were still his front yard. WARREN (V.0.) An awful lot had changed since my day, but it was still good to be home again. Very good indeed. Spotting some LITTER, Warren picks it up and walks it to a nearby receptacle. EXT. HOLDREGE PARK - DAY Warren wanders onto an empty PLAYGROUND. He approaches MONKEY BARS and jumps up, hangs for a second, drops back down. NOW WARREN RIDES A DUCK mounted on a giant spring, rocking to and fro. WARREN (V.0.) I think I was a happy child. EXT. RIGHWAY - DAY The Adventurer zooms past a sign that reads, “Welcome to Kansas.” WARREN (V.0.) (increasingly Charles Kuralt-ish) Next stop -- Lawrence, Kansas, where I paid a visit to my old alma mater KU. I hadn’t been there in years and years, and now seemed the perfect time to stop by. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF KANSAS (LAWRENCE) - DAY The Adventurer heads toward the center of campus. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF KANSAS - DAY Warren walks through campus as STUDENTS bustle about.62. EXT. BETA SIGMA FRATERNITY HOUSE - DAY Warren climbs the steps of this old converted house. INT, BETA SIGMA HOUSE - DAY A DOOR -~ as a hand raps on it. DAVE (0S) Hey, you looking for one of us? WIDER -~ Warren turns and looks down the HALLWAY as two YOUNG MEN with backpacks approach -- PHIL CHOI, an Electrical Engineering student, and DAVE GODBERSON, a good-natured, oafish sort. WARREN Say, you boys live here in this room? PHIL Yeah. why? They push past him, and one of the boys opens the door with a key. WARREN Believe it or not, this was my room too when I was a Beta Sig years ago. Do you mind if I poke my head in for old times’ sake? DAVE I don’t care. PHIL Whatever. INT. BETA SIGMA BEDROOM - DAY The boys put down their backpacks on their respective beds. Warren follows them, draws a long breath, takes a wistful look around the room, DAVE So, you were a Beta Sig, huh? (CONTINUED)63. CONTINUED: WARREN Oh yeah. (suddenly remembering with delight) Uh... Oi Koi. DAVE AND PHIL Kai Ro. Warren and the boys perform the secret handshake, which of course cannot be described here. WARREN Doesn't feel as though any time has passed at all. INT. FRAT DINING ROOM - DAY CLOSE ON -- =~ chicken fried steak -- mashed potato and gravy -- vegetable medley WARREN is eating lunch along with all the current frat members. Charismatic CHUCK WOODARD walks over leans down to talk to Warren. cHucK Word is we have a veteran Beta Sig in our midst. Which one of you might that be? Hearty laughter. WARREN It’s me. CHUCK No, I know. How are you? Chuck Woodard, chapter president. WARREN Warren Schmidt. Omaha, Nebraska. They perform the secret handshake. cuuck And Phil tells me you've never been back for a visit. (CONTINUED)64. CONTINUED: WARREN Not since the fifties. Always too busy to break away for reunions. But I have contributed my share of money over the years. You know. INSERT - A CONTRIBUTION REPLY FORM offering choices of $500, $250, $100, and $75. A pen puts an “x” in the box next to a “OTHER” and writes in $12.00. BACK TO SCENE -- CHUCK Well, the place has probably changed a lot since then, but I doubt the food is any better. That cracks Warren up. CHUCK (CONT'D) Have you had much of a chance to look around the campus? WARREN Not too much, no. CHUCK Why don’t you guys take Mr. Schmidt on a little tour after lunch? DAVE I can’t. I got Spanish. PHIL I have a review section for my Circuits Design mid-term, but I could meet you after that. CHUCK And be sure to show him Schuyler. Warren has a sudden reaction. WARREN Show me what? CHUCK The Schuyler Student Center. PHIL It’s incredible. (CONTINUED)2 65. CONTINUED: (2) DAVE It just opened about six months ago. It’s got everything -- international food court, concert hall, conference rooms, coffee house, computer center, bowling alley, video game room, what else? PHIL Bookstore, travel agency, barber shop, frozen yogurt and cookie store, you name it. And it’s a really cool-looking building. CHUCK And it was donated by Roger Schuyler, an old Beta Sig like yourself. You know who he is, right? Warren looks deeply into his chicken fried steak. WARREN He was my roommate. PHIL You mean in our room? The one Dave and I have now? Warren nods slowly. DAVE Dude! Phil and Dave HIGH-FIVE. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF KANSAS CAMPUS - DAY Phil and Warren are taking their little tour. WARREN You see that tower? In my day, kids used to climb up that thing and unfurl a Go Kansas banner before big football games. PHIL oh yeah? Some guys built a huge bong up there last year. It was pretty hilarious. Warren has no idea what a bong is. (CONTINUED)CONTINUED: They walk feeling. Phil start: back of hi: 66. WARREN A bong, huh? That's great. PHIL Hey, we're having a little mixer tonight to welcome the new pledges and little sisters. You should come. WARREN (a knowing smile) Oh, no. That’s for you young fellas. I know what goes on at those things. PHIL No, really. It’s nothing wild -- just a little reception, I’m sure we‘d all be honored if you came. Chuck said so. WARREN Honored? Really? PHIL Yeah. He said it'd give everybody a sense of our, you know, our heritage as Beta Sigs. WARREN (brightening) Well then, I accept. Thank you. a few steps, Warren basking in the warm fraternal PHIL (pointing) And last but not least, there's the Schuyler Center. THE SCHUYLER STUDENT CENTER is an imme gigantic 1 nse, sprawling edifice. Above the front doors, in etters, are the words, “Schuyler Student Center.” PHIL (CONT'D) Let's go in. 8 to walk toward it, but Warren balks -~ he rubs the s neck, feigns fatigue. WARREN You know, I think I’ve had a little too much excitement for one day. (MORE) (CONTINUED)67. CONTINUED: (2) WARREN (CONT'D) I should let you focus on your studies. You've been great. PHIL At least go in the lobby and have a look at the frescoes. WARREN I'll come back. Thanks for everything. I know I kind of barged in on you. I'll see you tonight. INT. ADVENTURER - NIGHT WARREN TAKES A SHOWER through the blurry shower door, humming an old tune. LATER -- Pulling to a stop, Warren opens the little vanity mirror inside the visor and combs his hair, checks his appearance. INT, BETA SIGMA - NIGHT FRATERNITY and SORORITY STUDENTS stand around the lower "social" floor. Phil spoke correctly -- it is indeed more of a reception than a party, and there is @ stiffness about the affair. President Chuck is addressing the faithful. Warren, the guest of honor, sits in the corner, clearly enjoying the proceedings. He wears « sporty polo shirt beneath his jacket. CHUCK -+. And the second letter, Sigma, is the eighteenth letter of the Greek alphabet. As you math types know -- but 1/1) say it for the benefit of us normal people ~~ Sigma, in math, is the mathematical symbol meaning the “summation of all the figures in a problem.” So I want you new pledges and little sisters to remember that as Beta Sigmas we are a whole; we are the summation of all our component parts. We are a family of brothers and sisters, and with the concepts of Beta and Smigma, we can achieve more together than we ever could as individuals. I hereby welcome you into this elite club. All applaud or raise their glasses. (CONTINUED)68. CONTINUED: CHUCK (CONT'D) By the way, we have among us tonight a very special guest. He’s right over there in the corner... Warren stands up, smiling. CHUCK (CONT'D) ++ and no, he’s not some graduate student crashing the party. Warren gets a big kick out of that. CHUCK (CONT’D) He's one of us -- a veteran Beta Sig brother from yesteryear who represents our very special heritage. You know, the men of Beta Sigma are a unique breed who leave their unmistakable stamp on history. We are found in all walks of life and all fifty states. Most recently, of course, Roger Schuyler, a Beta Sig from this very chapter and head of one the nation’s largest construction firms, based out of Chicago, designed and donated our fantastic new student center. And now, I’d like to present you to someone who in this very house was... Roger Schuyler’s roommate! The applause is so thunderous that no one hears Warren's name. CHUCK (CONT! D) Warren Spitz! SMILING FACES of those applauding, proud to have in their presence a man once in such proximity to greatness. Warren’s smile wilts before he politely freshens it. The music comes back on, and people return to talking. LATER -- AT THE BAR -- Warren lifts a BEER to his lips and takes a big gulp. Chuck sidles up. CHUCK (CONT'D) (to the bartender) Did you check this guy’s ID? He looks a little young to be drinking. They laugh, and Warren laughs a little too hard. (CONTINUED)69. CONTINUED: (2) WARREN -..check my ID. cHucK You having a good time? WARREN Oh yeah. It really takes me back to when I was you fellas’ age. But you guys are too low-key here -- I mean, c'mon. When we had parties in my day, we used to let it all hang out a little more. cHUCK Oh, it can get pretty wild sometimes. You'd be proud of us. WARREN I don’t know. I'm kind of disappointed in you guys. I’m going to have to include this in my report. CHUCK Don't be too hard on us. Chuck moves on. Warren CHUGS the rest of his beer and motions to the bartender to fill it up again. A YOUNG MAN approaches Warren. YOUNG MAN So what was Roger Schuyler like? You guys stay in touch? WARREN You want to know what Roger Schuyler was like? He was a selfish jerk. That guy cheated and screwed around and treated everybody like dog, you know, poop (getting fired up) ...and now he’s running around like he’s some kind of bigshot. You want to guess who took his Statistics final that time so he could get an A and get into Phi Beta Kappa? (jabbing a finger into his own chest) Me. You're looking at him. Me, that’s who. He mention that in his book? YOUNG MAN I don’t know, (CONTINUED)