CAMELOT THE PANTO

by Ben Crocker

“The wittiest and most original writer working

in pantomime today” AS Magazine

Copyright Ben Crocker

Revised January 2019

Please Note:

This pantomime is fully protected under international copyright laws. All rights,
including performance in whole or in part, video recording and translation are
strictly reserved. This work must not be performed until a Licence has been
obtained from Ben Crocker Pantomimes, and the appropriate royalty paid.

The availability of this script does not imply that permission is automatically
available for public or private performance. In their own interests, all
producing groups are advised to obtain a Licence prior to starting production.

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PRESS REACTION

“A perfect, proper panto.” The Times, Beauty & the Beast

“This show bounds along and by the end the young crowd – like
Cinderella, have had a ball.” The Guardian, Cinderella

“Absolutely delightful panto, put together with wit and verve by

Ben Crocker” The Daily Telegraph, Dick Whittington & His Cat

“A glance around at the children – their faces truly shining, eyes

wide and mouths open – illustrates the delight that pantomime
still provides.” The Times, Dick Whittington & His Cat

“This is a show to be enjoyed by all ages, with enough hearty

laughs to lighten anyone’s winter evenings.” Express and Echo,
Aladdin

“All the ingredients for a jolly good panto romp are chucked into
the mix… a rollicking good laugh from start to finish had the
adults wiping tears of laughter from their eyes.” The Stage,
Sleeping Beauty

“This is a pantomime which will be enjoyed by cast and audience

alike and one that I would recommend, both as a Dame and as a
Director.” Richard Bond, AS Magazine, Sleeping Beauty

“What really sets this pantomime apart is the quality of Ben

Crocker’s script… Make no mistake, any theatre in the land would
be proud to stage this top quality show.” Oxford Times, Beauty &
the Beast

“Bristling with lots of imaginative ideas, this is a bright, upbeat

pantomime with a huge feel-good factor. Ben Crocker takes a new
look at the old fairy tale and comes up with a winner. It’s good,
traditional family fun with lots of laughs and a fast pace.” Western
Morning News, Cinderella

“The best family festive treat in the South West!” Crediton

Country Courier, Aladdin

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LIST OF CHARACTERS

MORGAN LE FAY

VALERIN THE VICIOUS

VALERIN’S MUM

KING UTHER

LAUGHALOT a jester

PRINCE ARTHUR principal boy

GUINEVERE principal girl

NELL Guinevere’s maid and confidante

CONNIE CLATTERBOTTOM Royal Nurse and Bear Keeper (Dame)

TEDDY a sweet natured bear

MERLIN

YOUNG MERLIN

VERY YOUNG MERLIN (a child)

MARLON }
} Knight’s for hire
GARLON THE INVISIBLE KNIGHT }
(Heard but never seen!)

NILREM Merlin’s alter ego. (Male or Female. Cameo part.)

TALKING CLOCK (Male or Female. Cameo part.)

BISHOP (Small speaking part)

GLITONEA }
THITIS }
MORGAUSE }
MARONOE } The Evil Sisterhood (Small parts)
MAZOE }
GLITON }
TYRONOE }

CHORUS as Servants, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Court,

Knights, Evil Sisters etc etc.

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LIST OF SCENES

PART 1.

PROLOGUE.

SCENE 1. Outside Camelot Castle

SCENE 2. A Corridor in the Castle

SCENE 3. Merlin’s Laboratory

SCENE 4. A Corridor in the Castle

SCENE 5, The Great Hall of the Castle

PART 2.

SCENE 6. The Enchanted Forest

SCENE 7. A Corridor in Misty Mountain Castle

SCENE 8. The Haunted Hotel in the Shrieking Bog

SCENE 9. Magical Moments

SCENE 10. The Great Hall of Misty Mountain Castle

SCENE 11. A Right Royal Singsong

SCENE 12. The Royal Wedding

A Note on the Haunted Bedroom

The best way to fill in the aperture through which the bed comes
and goes is to use a thick ‘slash’ - i.e. strips a couple of inches
wide and hanging down – just as they do in the aperture through
which the bags appear in baggage reclaim! There is a very useful
visual reference for this on You Tube if you look up “Graham
Hoadly in the Haunted Bedroom”

Depth is often at a premium, so the bed can be considerably

foreshortened, with the characters sitting up.

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 PROLOGUE

Show cloth or curtains.

(PYRO. MORGAN LE FAY enters L.)

MORGAN. How lovely it is for you all to see me! (Acknowledges boos
etc.) Thank you, thank you… Enough! I am Morgan le Fay.
Queen of the Night, Ruler of the Forest and black hearted
Sorceress without compare!

(VALERIN also enters L, rather taking the wind out of

MORGAN’S sails.)

VALERIN. And I am Valerin, the Vicious! King of the Tangled Wood, evil
beyond belief – and also very bad!

MUM. (entering L) And I’m his Mum.

VALERIN. Mum!

MUM. And I’m a bit naughty.

VALERIN. What are you doing here?

MUM. (proffering it) You forgot your scarf.

MORGAN. Silence! As you know, today is the day when Guinevere arrives
in Camelot, to marry Prince Arthur!

VALERIN. It should’ve been me!

MORGAN. It will be you!

MUM. See? Now, just listen!

MORGAN. Thank you. And, here, as I promised, is the lost marriage

pledge. Signed by Guinevere’s father, King Leo, and proving
beyond a shadow of a doubt that her hand in marriage – (Hands
over a rolled parchment, which VALERIN and MUM open
eagerly.) was promised to you on the day she was born!

MUM. It’s a blank sheet of paper!

MORGAN. Look again!

(MORGAN gestures. Magical MUSIC sting. VALERIN “sees”

the writing.)

VALERIN. Wow! Look, Mum, it’s all there!

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MORGAN. (aside to AUDIENCE) It’s a magical forgery, of course – but
Guinevere must never marry Arthur, for if she does, Camelot’s
future is secure - and I hate Camelot!

VALERIN. Guinevere is mine!

MORGAN. (to VALERIN) There, you see. Your claim is true.

VALERIN. It is!

MUM. Amazing! Funny I don’t remember it at the time.

VALERIN. I’ll marry her and make her Queen of the Tangled Wood! Oooh,
Mum, I’m feeling frisky!

MORGAN. Your course is clear. You must arrive at the court of Camelot on
the same day as Guinevere - and then if they don’t hand her
over … (Weightily) You know what must be done.

VALERIN. YES!!! (A beat) What must be done?

MORGAN. You must take her away by force. Kidnap her!

VALERIN
& MUM. Kidnap her!

(MORGAN laughs evilly. VALERIN and MUM join in.)

MORGAN. Off you go – to Camelot!

VALERIN
& MUM. (exiting) To Camelot!!!

MORGAN. Camelot. The place where I grew up, at the castle - as a skivvy!
Me! Morgan le Fay! But I read Merlin’s books behind his
doddery old back and taught myself every scrap of magic he
knew - and now I’m better than him, younger than him and I’m
bent on destruction! (About to exit L.) I’m mad and I’m bad -
and I’ll see you all later!

(PYRO. MERLIN enters R.)

Merlin!

MERLIN. Morgan!

MORGAN. What are you doing here?

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MERLIN. Yes, I can still appear in a flash, you know – and I’m here
because you’re here. You’re up to no good, Morgan. I know it!

MORGAN. Me, Merlin? Now, why should you think that? Why should I
upset an old man, who’s so thoroughly past it?

MERLIN. I’m as fit as I ever was!

MORGAN. You’re looking peaky.

MERLIN. Peaky?!

MORGAN. You should rest more.

MERLIN. I can run rings around you! (Has a fit of coughing.)

MORGAN. Yes, but first you’ll have to catch me!

(PYRO. And MORGAN is gone.)

MERLIN. She’s gone! But just you wait, Morgan, wherever you are. I am
this close! (Holds thumb and forefinger together.) This close
to discovering the secret of eternal youth! Then you’d better
watch out. (Renewed coughing) You’ll be sorry then. And now
back to my magical laboratory. (Gesturing at pyro.) In a flash I
will be gone!

(Nothing happens.)

In a flash I will be gone!

(Again, no pyro.)

Oh, well - some you win, some you lose. (Hopefully.) In a

flash…? (No pyro. Sighs and exits R.) If only I was a thousand
years younger.

(BLACKOUT.)

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 SCENE 1.

Outside the Castle. Bunting. A Festive Atmosphere.

Opening NUMBER with LAUGHALOT the jester and the

CHORUS as Courtiers, Knights and Servants of the Castle.
The mood is happy and anticipatory.

LAUGH. Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, My name is Laughalot –

and you’ve all paid a lot - so welcome on this special day to –

EVERYONE. Camelot!!!

CHORUS 1. I’m really excited!

CHORUS 2. So am I!

LAUGH. Yes, today is the day that we greet the lovely Princess
Guinevere, Prince Arthur’s bride to be!

CHORUS 3. It’s so romantic!

LAUGH. Of course, the happy couple haven’t actually met yet, but that’s
the way we do things in medieval England. They’ll have all day
to get to know each other – and then get married tomorrow.

KING. (off) Laughalot!

LAUGH. Watch out everybody, it’s King Uther.

KING. (entering) Ah, there you are.

ALL. (bowing) Your Majesty!

KING. Yes, yes, yes, get up everybody. Have you seen her?

LAUGH. Who?

KING. Princess Guinevere of course.

LAUGH. No, she’s not here yet, but we’re ready and waiting to give her a
right royal welcome.

KING. I’ll do that. I am the King, after all.

LAUGH. Yes, of course.

KING. But where is Arthur?

LAUGH. I, er, haven’t seen him today.

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KING. Not seen him? (To CHORUS) What about you lot?

CHORUS. No, Your Majesty.

KING. How is he supposed to fall in love with the girl of his dreams if
he’s not even here to meet her?!

LAUGH. I, er –

KING. I suppose I’d better find him. No point in asking anyone else to
do anything around here. You stay put and keep the crowds
happy. (Exits)

LAUGH. Yes. Right. Absolutely. Now would you all like to hear a really
good joke?

CHORUS. (enthusiastically) Yes!

LAUGH. Brilliant!

CHORUS 4. But you don’t know any really good jokes!

CHORUS 5. Only really bad jokes –

CHORUS 6. Like, what do you call a man with a spade in his head?

ALL. (Laughing and leaving.) DOUG!

LAUGH. Hey, come back! Come back! Oh, dear. They’ve all gone –
maybe I’m not cut out for this jestering business, after all. What I
really want to be is a knight! A noble knight in shining armour -
Sir Laughalot! It’s got a ring to it, hasn’t it?

The only problem is - I’m a bit of a coward. Well, actually, I’m a

lot of a coward. I’m sensitive, that’s what it is. (Coyly
encourages sympathy) Aah. (AUDIENCE respond) I’m more
sensitive than that. (AUDIENCE respond) No, I’m even more
sensitive than that. (AUDIENCE respond) I’m not that sensitive!
It’s just that the thought of being skewered by a ten foot lance,
has never appealed to me in the way it does to some blokes.

I know! Maybe you could help me. Will you do that?

(AUDIENCE respond.) I said, will you do that? (AUDIENCE
response.) Brilliant! When I feel a bit nervous or cowardly, I’ll
shout out, “Help me! Help me!” and you shout out –

“Be bold and brave, Laughalot, it’s probably not as bad as you
think it is and you know you want to be a knight!”

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 OK, got that? “Be bold and brave, Laughalot, it’s probably not as
bad as you think it is and you know you want to be a knight!”
OK, I’ll be nervous and you shout out. (Pulls nervous face.)
Help me! Help me! (AUDIENCE response.)

That was truly - rubbish. Do you think we need to shorten it?

(AUDIENCE response.) So do I. How about “Be bold and
brave!”? Let’s give it a go. OK? Help me! Help me! (AUDIENCE
response) Hey, not bad! But I might be really, really scared, so
you might need to shout really, really loudly. Let’s do it again
and this time really, really loud. OK? Help me! Help me!
(AUDIENCE response) Fantastic, now I feel really brave! One
more time, just for luck. Help me! Help me!

(The AUDIENCE respond and ARTHUR enters, plainly

dressed.)

Phwoaahh!! Thank you! Now, I’m up for anything! I’m super

brave! Wow! Look there’s Arthur – and I just want to do some
manly fighting! CHAARGE!!

(LAUGHALOT runs at the momentarily bemused ARTHUR,

who knocks him to the ground.)

Ow!

ARTHUR. What was that for?

LAUGH. I don’t really know. I just had a sudden rush of total courage. I
just wanted to wallop someone. It’s worn off now.

ARTHUR. (helping him up) Well, you be careful. It’s a bit treasonous to try
and wallop me.

LAUGH. Sorry about that. I don’t know what came over me.

ARTHUR. Maybe it’s because I’m in disguise.

LAUGH. But you look just like Arthur.

ARTHUR. Yes, but do I look like Prince Arthur?

LAUGH. Yes.

ARTHUR. But I’m not in Royal clothes!

LAUGH. Why?

ARTHUR. Because I’m in disguise! I want to meet Guinevere without her

realising who I am.

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LAUGH. Oh, I see! Well, it’s a complete transformation!

ARTHUR. Really?

LAUGH. No. (Looking off.) Oh, look, I think she might be coming now.

ARTHUR. You can’t be serious.

LAUGH. Look at my face. (Pulls ludicrous face.)

ARTHUR. You are serious. Quick let’s hide!

(ARTHUR whisks LAUGHALOT off.

On the other side, GUINEVERE enters with her maid, NELL.)

GUIN. Well, here we are at last. In Camelot. Let’s turn around and go
back!

NELL. But we can’t, Ma’am.

GUIN. Oh, Nell. Don’t call me Ma’am, like that. You’re my only friend in
the world. I wish you’d call me Guinevere.

NELL. (with a mischievous bob) Yes, Ma’am.

GUIN. Very funny. I’m shattered. Ten hours in a rackety old coach on
the bumpy roads of olde England – all in order to marry some
dreadful stuck up prince I’ve never even met.

NELL. Well, if you haven’t met him, you can’t possibly know what he’s
like.

GUIN. He’s bound to be awful. Anyway, why should I marry a man just
because my father says I should?

NELL. Because you’re a Princess.

GUIN. But I want to marry for love – and I tell you one thing I really did
not want – and that was to travel right across the land with a
huge round table, as some sort of ridiculous wedding present!

NELL. So you mentioned.

GUIN. A table for half a regiment - just right for an intimate supper with
my new husband!

NELL. So, you will marry him then…?

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GUIN. Oh, Nell. I don’t know. Let’s see. Of course, it would be nice to
love him…

NELL. (stiffening) Don’t move or say anything.

GUIN. Why?

NELL. We’re being watched.

GUIN. Spied on?

NELL. Sssh!

GUIN. I will not “Sssh” (To ARTHUR and LAUGHALOT off.) Hey, you!
Come out here immediately.

(ARTHUR and LAUGHALOT enter sheepishly.)

What are you doing spying on us?

ARTHUR. I don’t know. He’s the boss.

LAUGH. (aside to ARTHUR) What do you mean - I’m the boss? You’re
the boss!

ARTHUR. I’m just the assistant jester.

LAUGH. (aside) But I can’t talk to them - they’re both really pretty!

GUIN. (to LAUGHALOT) Well, come on. Don’t just stand there
gawping and twitching.

LAUGH. Me?

GUIN. Yes, you.

LAUGH. I don’t know. I, er, er (To AUDIENCE) Help me, help me!
(AUDIENCE response.) Wow! That feels gooood – and those
girls are fit! (To Girls) Hey, you two chicks -

GUIN &
NELL. Chicks??!!

LAUGH. You must be a pair of brooms because you’re sweeping us off

our feet!

ARTHUR. (shocked) What are you doing?

LAUGH. I don’t know. (Indicating AUDIENCE.) They made me do it. It’s

starting to wear off now. I, er… (To AUDIENCE) Help me! Help

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 me! (AUDIENCE respond.) Wehey! That’s better! (To NELL,
with renewed assurance.) Were you arrested earlier?

NELL. What?!

LAUGH. It’s gotta be illegal to look that good!

ARTHUR. Will you shut up!

LAUGH. (indicating NELL) That one’s mine. But don’t worry; I’ll do the
spade work for you too! (To GUINEVERE) If I said, you had a
beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

GUIN. No, I’d slap you in the face. (Does so, knocking him over.)

LAUGH. Ow!

ARTHUR. (To GUINEVERE) Look, I don’t know what kind of madness has
got into my friend, but actually I’m not any sort of jester. I’m
Prince Arthur.

GUIN. What?

ARTHUR. We – I mean – I – thought it would be a good idea to sort of

meet you without you knowing who I was… But I see that was a
mistake.

GUIN. Yes, I should jolly well think it was!

NELL. (helping LAUGHALOT up) Are you OK?

LAUGH. I think so, I’m just – a bit confused. I keep getting super brave
and then losing it again. (With a sudden start to AUDIENCE,)
What am I doing? I’m talking to a girl! Help me! Help me!
(AUDIENCE respond. LAUGHALOT re-inflates.) Heeey! Nell,
honey babygirl! What say you we –

NELL. Quiet! Stop it! I prefer you when you’re shy.

LAUGH. (deflating) You do?

GUIN. (to ARTHUR) Well, if you’re going to spy on me –

ARTHUR. It wasn’t so much spying as –

GUIN. Peeping? If you want to marry me – then you’ve got a lot of

ground to catch up. Come along, Nell. Let’s see if they can give
us a cup of tea in this place without someone sneaking up on
us!

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 (GUINEVERE and NELL exit. ARTHUR and LAUGHALOT
look after them. A short pause.)

ARTHUR. What a magnificent woman…! I’m in love!

LAUGH. So am I!

ARTHUR. What do you mean?

LAUGH. Not with yours. With mine!

ARTHUR. So, you love Nell?

LAUGH. I do.

ARTHUR. And I love Guinevere!

LAUGH. What do we do now?

ARTHUR. I don’t know. Let’s go and have a think.

LAUGH. (starting to exit) Yes, let’s.

ARTHUR. Not that way. Connie’s coming – and she’s got Teddy with her. It
might be safer this way.

(ARTHUR and LAUGHALOT exit upstage.

MUSIC. TEDDY, a cuddly looking bear, enters. She is

playfully pulling a lead to which CONNIE (the dame) is
attached. There is a collar – fastened with Velcro – around
CONNIE’S neck.)

CONNIE. Ow! Oooh! Let go, Teddy, you’ve got completely the wrong idea!
It’s me that’s supposed to be leading you!

TEDDY. (Shakes her head and starts to wind CONNIE up in a big

circle.)

CONNIE. No, Teddy! No! Aaaah!

(TEDDY releases the lead and CONNIE flies off stage. There
is the sound of a huge crash. CONNIE totters back on. She
has the collar in her hand.)

CONNIE. (to AUDIENCE) Never work with children or animals. (To

TEDDY) Teddy, you’re a very naughty bear. I only put that collar
on to show you where it’s supposed to go. What will all the
people think?

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TEDDY. (Notices the AUDIENCE and shrinks back with surprise.)

CONNIE. Yes, now you’re all shy and want everyone to think what a nice,
well behaved sort of bear you are.

TEDDY. (Nods and covers her eyes.)

CONNIE. Well, you take this back to the bear-ery and maybe you can say
hello in a minute. (Offers lead to TEDDY.)

TEDDY. (Removes hand/paw nearest to Connie from her eyes and

takes lead. Puts paw back over eyes and shuffles off
sideways.)

CONNIE. Just like children, they are. Bears. Shy one moment – and then
– WHAM, watch out! Well, let me introduce myself. I’m Nurse
Constance Clatterbottom, but you can call me Connie. I’m the
Royal Nurse and it’s my job to look after Prince Arthur. But since
he’s grown up, he won’t let me put him into his romper suit or
anything - and so now they’ve made me the Royal Bear Keeper
and I look after Teddy. Well, her real name’s Edwina, but we just
call her Teddy, Teddy Bear. And she’s a lovely bear, really.

But I tell you what; now Arthur’s grown up, I’ve got so much
more time to look for Mr Right! I’ve even been out clubbing –
that’s the way to get a man, I can tell you… Mind you, I always
take a big club.

In fact, I went out on a date last week. I did, but it didn’t feel right
- so I’m going to try a fig next time. (“Kerching” from drums.)
Thank you. But you never know when you’ll meet the man of
your dreams, do you? Unfortunately, I’ll be asleep. Oh, well,
such is life. Maybe I’ll meet someone today. Maybe he’s here
right now! Can we put the houselights up, please!
(HOUSELIGHTS up.) Ooh no! Put ‘em down again! No, no, I’m
only joking. It’s lovely to see you all…

(Optional ad lib with AUDIENCE, maybe welcoming groups

and parties, at the end of which, TEDDY’S head peeps on
from wing.)

Ooh, look, it’s Teddy! (To AUDIENCE) Would you like to see her
again? (AUDIENCE response.) No, no, she’s very shy. She
needs lots of encouragement. Would you like to see her again?

(The AUDIENCE respond. MUSIC. TEDDY dances on.)

Fantastic! You’ve got her dancing. And do you know, whenever

she dances, I always want to sing!

14
 (Brief NUMBER. At the end of which TEDDY dances off one
way, waving to the AUDIENCE and CONNIE dances off the
other. As she is exiting, CONNIE bumps into VALERIN who
is entering. MUSIC clatters to a halt.)

CONNIE. Oooh! Beg pardon. Who are you?

VALERIN. I am Valerin the Vicious, King of the Tangled Wood!

CONNIE. (to AUDIENCE) Doesn’t he look big and butch!

VALERIN. So do you. Now, out of my way!

CONNIE. I beg your pardon!

VALERIN. Out of my way! Even the mention of my wicked named should

strike terror into your heart!

CONNIE. What was it again, Mr Tangle Bush?

VALERIN. I said - I am Valerin the Vicious, King of the Tangled Wood!!!

MUM. (entering) And I’m his Mum.

VALERIN. (exasperated) Mum!

MUM. (handing over small white paper bag of sweets) I’ve brought
you some jelly babies.

VALERIN. (completely losing his viciousness) Oh, thanks, Mum. I like

jelly babies. (Offering to CONNIE and MUM.) Would you like
one?

CONNIE. Oooh. I don’t mind if I do.

MUM. Do you like jelly babies?

CONNIE. I like these orange ones. (Pops into mouth.)

MUM. I always know when I’ve got an orange one.

CONNIE. (happily) Me too.

MUM. I always spit ‘em out and put ‘em back.

(CONNIE ceases to enjoy her jelly baby.

A fanfare sounds.)

MUM. Someone’s coming.

15
CONNIE. It’s the King.

VALERIN. And Guinevere!

(Processional MUSIC. UTHER enters with the CHORUS,

GUINEVERE and NELL.)

UTHER. My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered together on

this happy day to welcome a very special addition to our court –

CONNIE. Here, here!

UTHER. Yes, thank you, Connie –

CONNIE. Don’t mention it.

UTHER. I won’t. Now can we please get on?

CONNIE. Certainly.

UTHER. Thank you -

CONNIE. You’re welcome.

UTHER. Right – we are gathered together on this happy day -

VALERIN. I am Valerin the Vicious, King of the Tangled Wood!

UTHER. (totally exasperated) I don’t care who you are, please keep
QUIET!!

MUM. Don’t you talk to my boy like that!

UTHER. Who are you?

MUM. I’m his Mum.

UTHER. His Mum?

MUM. Queen Mavis, the King’s Mother.

UTHER. I’m the King!

MUM. Not of the Tangled Wood, you aren’t.

UTHER. (losing it) Look, can everybody please just button it, shut up
and keep quiet on this happy, happy day…!!!

(LAUGHALOT and ARTHUR enter into the brief hiatus.)

16
 You’re late – and what are you doing dressed like that?

ARTHUR. It’s a long story.

GUIN. (interjecting) It’s all because he wanted to spy on me!

VALERIN. I am Valerin the Vicious, King of the Tangled Wood!

UTHER. (testily) Yes, you said that before!

VALERIN. And I claim Guinevere as my bride by right!

UTHER,
GUIN &
ARTHUR. WHAT?!

(There is general commotion.)

MUM. Guinevere was promised to him at birth.

VALERIN. And I have the paper which proves it, signed by her father, King
Leo! (Brandishes parchment.)

GUIN. My father would never do such a thing!

UTHER. Give that to me. (Takes parchment and unrolls it.) It’s nothing
but a blank piece of paper!

VALERIN. Look again.

(Magical MUSIC sting. UTHER “sees” the writing.)

UTHER. But, this is outrageous! Where’s Merlin?

MERLIN. (Off R.) In a flash, I will be here!

(Brief pause. ALL look off R.)

In a flash I will be here!

UTHER. Oh, come along, Merlin. Hurry up!

MERLIN. (entering grumpily) I am here!

UTHER. And about time too.

MERLIN. I came as quickly as I could.

17
UTHER. Very well, very well. (Handing over re-rolled parchment.) Look
over this paper and tell me it’s false. (To VALERIN.) We’ll soon
settle your nonsense.

MERLIN. (confused) It’s nothing but a blank piece of paper.

MUM. Look again.

(Magical MUSIC sting. Merlin “sees” the writing.)

MERLIN. I don’t know what to say…

UTHER. Well, spit it out, man!

MERLIN. The paper appears genuine. Guinevere is promised to Valerin.

VALERIN &
MUM. (punching the air) YES!!

OTHERS. NO!!

ARTHUR. Hang on a moment! Let me see that. (Snatches parchment

from MERLIN and looks at it.) What is this? It’s nothing but a
blank piece of paper!

VALERIN. (portentously) Look again!

ARTHUR. I don’t need to look again. I saw perfectly well the first time.
(Tears paper in two.) There! There’s your signed agreement.
It’s not worth any more than the piece of paper it isn’t written on.

VALERIN. But that’s not fair! (To MUM.) He didn’t look again!

(ALL cheer.)

MUM. (to ARTHUR) You big bully! You should’ve looked again! Come
along, Valerin. She doesn’t deserve you, anyway.

VALERIN. But I want to marry Guinevere!

MUM. You will marry Guinevere. (To OTHERS.) You needn’t think this
is the end of it, you know. We’ll be back!

VALERIN. Yeah, we’ll be back – and next time we’ll be coming with
reinforcements! Come on Mum.

(VALERIN and MUM exit.)

UTHER. Well done, Arthur. Splendid work! You did just what I would do.
You always please me best when you do what I would do!

18
Now, without further interruption, I think we should get on with
the business of welcoming Guinevere to Camelot – on this
happy, happy, happy day!

(Celebratory NUMBER. BLACKOUT.)

19
 SCENE 2.

A Corridor in the Castle. Front cloth or Tabs.

(GUINEVERE enters at speed, crossing the stage. ARTHUR

is pursuing her.)

ARTHUR. Guinevere, come back!

GUIN. Just because you bravely tore up a piece of paper doesn’t mean
you own me!

ARTHUR. But I love you, Guinevere.

GUIN. That’s a ridiculous thing to say.

ARTHUR. Why?

GUIN. Because you don’t know me.

ARTHUR. Yes, I do.

GUIN. How can you possibly know me? You only met me half an hour
ago and even then you pretended to be someone else.

ARTHUR. Only till I got to know you.

GUIN. Which took about five seconds. There really can’t be very much
of me to get to know, can there?

ARTHUR. That’s not fair.

GUIN. All’s fair in love and war.

ARTHUR. So, you do love me?

GUIN. (a beat) I never said that - maybe I’m at war with you.

ARTHUR. Look, couldn’t you love me just a little bit?

GUIN. Well - I prefer you to that Valerin monster.

ARTHUR. Ok, that’s good.

GUIN. I’m glad you’re pleased. So, if you’ll excuse me, you’ll have to be
happy with that! (Exits.)

ARTHUR. But Guinevere! (makes to follow, but then thinks better of it)
Oh, dear. Maybe I’d better wait a bit… She is wonderful, though.

20
 I can’t believe that my father actually arranged for me to marry
her.

UTHER. (entering) What can’t you believe?

ARTHUR. Oh, nothing.

UTHER. Well? Is she head over heels in love with you?

ARTHUR. No.

UTHER. NO? What do you mean – no? You’ve got to marry her
tomorrow.

ARTHUR. I know.

UTHER. Well, don’t stand around here moping! Your love mojo needs to
be at full throttle!

ARTHUR. My love mojo?

UTHER. Serenade her loveliness - win her over!

ARTHUR. I think I just need to back off a bit.

UTHER. You can’t back off – you need to tie the knot tomorrow. The
future of Camelot depends upon it! Why can’t you do anything I
say?

ARTHUR. Because if you want me to marry Guinevere - which is

something I also want – then you’re going to have to let me do it
in my own way! (Exits angrily.)

UTHER. (to AUDIENCE) How do you like that? I give the boy the benefit
of my age, brains and experience and he throws it back in my
face! Well, I shall keep an eye on him from a distance, and if he
doesn’t shape up – I’ll marry the girl myself! (Exits in pursuit of
ARTHUR.)

(VALERIN enters as if pushed. He is pursued by MORGAN.)

MORGAN (entering) You bungling incompetent toad! Merlin declared the

document genuine and you let Arthur tear it up!

VALERIN. But he didn’t look again!

MORGAN. “But he didn’t look again” - what sort of excuse is that?! Valerin
the Vicious? I’ve seen nastier Goldfish!

VALERIN. I want my Mum!

21
MORGAN. Well, you can’t have your Mum. Fortunately, I’ve arranged for
you to have two fighting warrior knights to help you in your
mission.

VALERIN. You have?

MORGAN. Garlon the Invisible Knight and his brother Marlon.

VALERIN. Garlon the Invisible Knight?

MORGAN. Yes, Garlon and Marlon. Don’t worry, Marlon’s perfectly visible.
They’re both outside. (Calling) In you come, boys!

(MARLON enters with the invisible GARLON. NB Whenever

Garlon ‘appears’ it is vital to make a distinction between
those who can see him and those who can’t. It is also
important to ensure that all those who do ‘see’ him agree
exactly where he is - and all look in the same place! In this
scene, Morgan and Marlon can ‘see’ Garlon, but Valerin
cannot. Obviously, he needs to be voiced offstage and over
the PA, if mics are being used.)

MARLON. (shaking VALERIN’s hand) Delighted to meet you, Mr King

Valerin, sir. I’m Marlon (Gesturing and stepping back to allow
Garlon to pass.) and this is my brother, Garlon.

(VALERIN is shocked as his own hand moves up and down

as if shaken.)

VALERIN. Aah!

MARLON. He’s got a firm grip.

VALERIN. Yes, he has.

MORGAN. Well, that’s the introductions over with. (To VALERIN) Now
remember, you need to come up with a foolproof evil plan to
kidnap Guinevere, take her to your misty mountain top castle
and marry her. And sooner her than me, that’s all I can say –
Garlon, you’re taller than I remember.

MARLON. He’s a big boy, Miss Morgan.

MORGAN. Quite. Well, I’ll leave you to it. (To VALERIN) And remember, no
more mistakes, or you’ll be fish food before you know it! (Exits.)

MARLON. Ouch! It doesn’t do to be in her bad books. But don’t worry,

because me and Garlon, we’ve got some pretty good ideas,
haven’t we Garlon?

22
 (GARLON’S voice. “Yeah”.)

MARLON. And the thing that makes us special, the thing that will help us to
help you is this… Garlon is invisible.

VALERIN. Yes, I see.

MARLON. Can you?

VALERIN. What?

MARLON. See him?

VALERIN. No.

MARLON. That’s good. I thought a bit of him might be poking out or

something.

VALERIN. No, he’s all - not there.

MARLON. That’s alright then. Anyway, what we thought might be a good

idea is – (Looks about to check they are not observed and
goes to whisper in VALERIN’S ear.) hey, why should I take all
the credit? You tell him, Garlon.

(VALERIN leans the other way towards the invisible

GARLON, who appears to whisper in his ear.)

VALERIN. (listening) Oh, that’s good…. Yes, I like that…. That’s naughty.
I like naughty… And then Guinevere will be all mine. We’ll meet
again tomorrow at the crack of dawn!

MARLON. At the crack of dawn!

(GARLON’S voice. “At the crack of dawn!”

A beat as VALERIN and MARLON react to GARLON’S

interjection. Then all three laugh wickedly.

BLACKOUT.)

23
 SCENE 3.

Merlin’s Laboratory. Flasks, jars, chemicals etc. There is a

table centre, with lab equipment. A cloth decorated with
magical symbols covers the table and conceals two people.
Upon the table, two experiments appear to have covers on
them.

(MERLIN is discovered pouring the contents of one flask

into another. Maybe the contents turn from red to blue?
Pouring a clear alkaline solution into a weaker acid solution
with litmus in would do this.)

MERLIN. There. The distilled blood of the Great Dragon of (Local village
or town.) All part of the long road to creating eternal youth! And
my goodness, couldn’t I do with it.

CONNIE. (bursting in) Merlin, I need your help!

MERLIN. If it’s eternal youth you want, you’ll have to wait!

CONNIE. No, no. Not for me. For Arthur!

MERLIN. I’m busy. He’ll have to wait.

CONNIE. But it can’t wait. Couldn’t you make a love potion or something
to give to Guinevere?

MERLIN. A love potion?

CONNIE. They’re hardly on speaking terms and the wedding’s tomorrow.

Slip it into her drink tonight and she’ll be head over heels in love
with Arthur in the morning!

MERLIN. She’ll be head over heels in love with whoever she sees first in
the morning. Love potions have got minds of their own.

CONNIE. But you’re so clever and you’ve got so many chemicals and
magical things – what’s in here?

(CONNIE lifts one of the covers on the table. NILREM’S

head on a dish is revealed.)

Aaah!

NILREM. Put that back!

CONNIE. Who’s s/he?

NILREM. I said put it back. Can’t you see I’m asleep?

24
MERLIN. That’s Nilrem, my alter ego.

NILREM. No, I’m not.

MERLIN. Yes, you are. Do you have to disagree with everything I say?

NILREM. I’m your alter ego, what do you expect? And anyway, I don’t.

MERLIN. You do.

NILREM. I don’t.

MERLIN. That’s enough! Put the lid back on.

NILREM. Don’t you dare put the lid back on!

MERLIN. (taking lid from CONNIE and making to replace it) You’re
always so tetchy!

NILREM. I’m never tetchy – and now you’re going to cover me up! This is
a cover up everybody! Whatever happened to free sp -

(MERLIN clicks his fingers, which silences NILREM in mid

sentence.)

MERLIN Just be quiet and not another peep,

Now close your eyes and go back to sleep!

(NILREM instantly falls asleep and MERLIN replaces the

cover.)

There. Peace and quiet. Thank goodness for that.

CONNIE. But what about this love potion?

LAUGH. (bursting in) Merlin, we need your help!

MERLIN. Oh, no, what is it now?

LAUGH. It’s Arthur.

MERLIN. I know. Guinevere doesn’t love him.

LAUGH. But I’ve had the most amazing idea! You could make a love
potion to give to Guinevere!

CONNIE. A love potion? I thought of a love potion first.

MERLIN. Don’t you both realise how tricky love potions are?

25
LAUGH. But you’re so clever and you’ve got so many chemicals and
magical things – what’s in here?

(LAUGHALOT lifts the other lid. A snake glove puppet pops

up.)

Aaah! A snake! I’m scared of snakes! (To AUDIENCE.) Help

me! Help me! (AUDIENCE shout.) Wehey! Thank you! Now I’m
not scared of snakes! I’m not scared of anything! What’s under
this other lid - another snake?

(LAUGHALOT lifts the other lid.)

NILREM. (suddenly awoken) AaaaaH!!

LAUGH. Aaaah! A screaming head! This is all too scary - even for
someone super-brave like me.

SNAKE. Don’t be scared.

LAUGH. And now the snake is talking to me! That’s even more scary!

MERLIN. It’s only Dave.

LAUGH &
CONNIE. Dave the snake?

NILREM. What’s wrong with that?

LAUGH. (trying to act normal) Nothing. Nothing at all. It’s perfectly

normal, isn’t it Merlin?

MERLIN. No, it’s perfectly magical.

NILREM. No, it’s perfectly normal!

MERLIN. Will, you shut up!

NILREM. Oooh! Mr Grumpy climbed out of the cauldron today!

MERLIN. You were asking me about love potions.

DAVE. Love potions?

CONNIE. Yes, and it was all my idea.

DAVE. It’s a great idea! There is nothing in the whole wide world as
special as love!

26
NILREM. Dave, you took the words right out of my head!

(NUMBER. DAVE starts to sing a romantic ballad such as

“Love Changes Everything”. He is almost immediately
joined by NILREM. Soon, everyone is singing and if it suits,
the song could segue into something more up tempo.

At the end, UTHER enters into the applause for the song,
which he acknowledges as his own.)

UTHER (to AUDIENCE) Thank you, thank you, very much. Quiet please,
I’ve got something important to say. (To MERLIN) Merlin, I’ve
had a quite brilliant idea. We need to give Guinevere a love
potion!

(MERLIN is about to reply but can’t get a word in

edgeways.)

DAVE. Another love potion?

NILREM. Wait in line, Buddy. Everyone’s thought of a love potion.

UTHER. I beg your pardon?

NILREM. The idea’s old hat.

UTHER. Who are these peculiar creatures?

CONNIE. That’s Nilrem and this is Dave.

MERLIN. They’re mine, Your Majesty.

NILREM. (indicating UTHER) Who is this loser?

UTHER. Loser? How dare you. Cover him up. Cover them both up!

NILREM. Oh, no! Not another cover up. This is a cover up everyb -

(MERLIN makes a magic pass which freezes and silences

NILREM and DAVE. LAUGHALOT and CONNIE cover them
up.)

MERLIN. Fun - but they can be noisy.

UTHER. Quite. Now, about this love potion, Merlin -

MERLIN. But I’m not so sure –

UTHER. I don’t want to hear another word. Connie thinks it’s a good idea,
don’t you?

27
CONNIE. Yes.

UTHER. And Laughalot thinks it’s a good idea, don’t you?

LAUGH. Yes.

UTHER. And I think it’s a good idea, don’t I?

CONNIE &
LAUGH. Yes.

UTHER. So, there you are then.

MERLIN. Oh, very well, but I’m warning you, there’ll be tears before
bedtime. Where’s my magic book? I can’t do anything without
my magic book –

(LAUGHALOT gives it to him.)

Oh, thank you - and Connie, could you pass me a bottle of

magic mixture from under the table? Now, let me see, I haven’t
done this spell since I accidentally fell in love with an elephant…

(CONNIE looks to where NILREM obviously is and goes to

the other end of the table. She’s just about to reach under,
when a hand reaches up and passes her the bottle.)

CONNIE. Ooh. It’s just like that lady in the lake!

MERLIN. Now take the cork off and put it carefully on the table.
(Consulting book.) Here we are, we need the freshly plucked
hair of a lusty young lad –

UTHER. (pulling a hair out of LAUGHALOT’S head) That’s easy

enough.

LAUGH. Ow!

MERLIN. And the hair of a beauteous maiden.

CONNIE. (fluttering eyelashes and proffering head to UTHER.) Have

one of mine.

UTHER. Don’t be ridiculous.

CONNIE. Well, really!

UTHER. (to LAUGHALOT and indicating AUDIENCE) You’d better go

down there and get one.

28
LAUGH. What? Down there?

UTHER. Yes, of course. Just go and find a pretty girl and pull some hair
out!

LAUGH. But that’s really scary!

UTHER. Don’t dawdle about.

LAUGH. This is so scary. (To AUDIENCE.) Help, me, help me!

(AUDIENCE respond. Houselights up.) Wow! There’s loads of
pretty girls in tonight! Just wait there girls, because I’m coming
to get me a whole wigful! (Starts to descend into the
AUDIENCE.)

UTHER Hold on! I’ve changed my mind.

(LAUGHALOT stops.)

We’ll make do with one of these instead.

(Pulls one of CONNIE’S hairs, rendering her wig askew – or

even pulls it off entirely - and ad lib through the
consequences!)

CONNIE. Ow!

UTHER. (passing to MERLIN) One hair.

CONNIE. (adjusting wig) Of a beauteous maiden!

MERLIN. Thank you. (Puts hair into bottle.) But now we come to the
tricky bit, because once this spell has been cast, the potion will
exert a powerful fascination on all who behold it. You’ll all be
drawn to it like nothing you’ve ever known before, so hold on
tight to me and I'll protect you.

(CONNIE holds on to MERLIN. LAUGHALOT holds on to

CONNIE and UTHER holds on to LAUGHALOT. MERLIN is at
the pros L or R.)

Ready?

ALL. Ready.

MERLIN. (MUSIC.) Amoroso Immmediatmo!

(MUSIC. Lights change and a tight spot comes up on the

bottle.)

29
CONNIE. Oooh, Merlin, hold on to me tight! It’s pulling me in. There’s just
so much love in this room!

(TEDDY enters. She sees the potion. MUSIC STING. Slowly,

but powerfully, she is drawn towards it.)

MERLIN. Teddy! No! Leave the bottle alone!

ALL. Leave it, Teddy, leave it!

(TEDDY picks up the potion and drinks it. MUSIC shimmer

as it takes effect.)

MERLIN. Oh, no! Hide everybody! Hide!

(MERLIN, CONNIE and LAUGHALOT fling themselves

down.)

UTHER. What?

MERLIN. Hide!

(It is too late. TEDDY has seen UTHER.)

UTHER. No, Teddy. No!

(To the tune of “Love Changes Everything”, or the song

sung earlier in the scene, TEDDY starts to pursue UTHER,
who backs away.)

No. Nice bear, nice bear. Go away! Shoo, shoo!

(BLACKOUT.)

30
 SCENE 4.

A Corridor in the Castle. Frontcloth or tabs.

(MUM is revealed.)

VALERIN. (entering) Mum? What are you doing here?

MUM. I’ve got something special for you.

VALERIN. But this is my secret crack of dawn meeting with Marlon and
Garlon!

MUM. Morgan gave them to me.

VALERIN. What?

MUM. (producing large pair of panto type glasses) Magic glasses.

VALERIN. Magic glasses?

MUM. They make the invisible visible.

VALERIN. Really?

MUM. Try them on!

VALERIN. (doing so) How do I look?

MUM. Really magical.

MARLON. (stage whisper off) Left right, left right, left right… Etc.

VALERIN. They’re coming!

MUM. Can you see Garlon?

VALERIN. (looking off) Yes! Yes, I can. He’s visible! He’s marching with
Marlon.

MUM. (snatching off his nose) Let me have a look.

VALERIN. But, Mum, they’re my glasses!

MUM. (looking) Ooooh! Isn’t he tall!

VALERIN. (whining) Mum!

MUM. Go on, then. You have a look.

31
 (VALERIN puts on the glasses and watches in wonder.)

MARLON. (entering and marching past VALERIN and MUM.) Left, right.
Left right. Left right….Morning.

VALERIN. That’s real precision marching! It’s like they’re glued together.
You have a look, Mum.

(MUM takes the glasses and watches MARLON – and

GARLON – marching. Maybe they put in the odd jump and
skip.)

Isn’t it amazing?

MUM. You’d think they were just one man! (Hands glasses back to
VALERIN.)

MARLON. And backwards! Right, left, right left, right left… Halt! (To MUM
and VALERIN.) Not bad, eh? Now, let’s get down to business.

VALERIN. Yes, to business!

(The four huddle secretively together with their arms

around each other’s shoulders. NB. GARLON’S place
should be one of the middle positions. Two actors each put
an arm around his invisible shoulders.)

MARLON. We’ve checked out the lie of the land and this is the way we see
it. When the hall’s full, just before the wedding – when they think
they’re all home and dry - that’s when we pounce!

VALERIN. What about Merlin?

MARLON. Don’t worry about Merlin. Morgan’ll see to him.

VALERIN. But if everybody else is there, we’ll need some sort of diversion.

MARLON. Good idea.

VALERIN. Garlon, you create a diversion!

MARLON. (a beat) He can’t. He’s invisible.

MUM. You create a diversion, you’re visible.

MARLON. Yeah. I’m visible. That’s my strength. I’ll create a diversion – and
Garlon, using his amazing gift of invisibility, can capture
Guinevere and bundle her out.

VALERIN. What do I do?

32
MARLON. You wait outside with your Mum.

VALERIN. But I want to capture Guinevere!

MUM. You can’t, you’re not invisible!

MARLON. Your job is to wait outside, wearing the glasses. Because this
isn’t just an adventure story -

VALERIN. No?

MARLON. No. This is a story about you and Guinevere. (With increasing
emotion.) It’s a story about passion, commitment and opening
your heart to love!

MUM. You’re right!

VALERIN. It’s a love story!

(Fun NUMBER, using the fact the GARLON isn’t there. This
could involve bits of song sung from an off stage mic,
ascending or descending harmonies with the top or bottom
line supplied invisibly, choreography to exploit GARLON’S
invisibility – maybe even an invisible tap routine. Have
fun…

BLACKOUT.)

33
 SCENE 5.

The Great Hall in the Castle. Full set.

(LAUGHALOT and NELL revealed.)

NELL. So. Today’s the day. Right here.

LAUGH. The big wedding. Tying the knot in front of everybody. Scary.

NELL. Yes. Scary.

LAUGH. Will Guinevere go through with it, do you think?

NELL. Oh, yes.

LAUGH. How can you be so sure?

NELL. She’s a Princess. Princesses have to marry Princes. Besides –

LAUGH. What?

NELL. I think she quite likes him.

LAUGH. How d’you know that?

NELL. I just do.

LAUGH. So, they will marry?

NELL. Oh, yes.

LAUGH. And what about you?

NELL. Me?

LAUGH. Do you think you’ll ever, sort of – marry?

NELL. Well, it would be scary, wouldn’t it? To be standing here, with

everyone watching, whilst your hands are bound together as you
make your vows.

LAUGH. Yes, very scary.

NELL. (suddenly) I’ve got the cord right here.

LAUGH. What!?

NELL. I’ll be doing the binding. Like this. Give me your hand. (She
takes his hand and starts to bind his hand to hers.)

34
LAUGH. Eh?

NELL. Woven into the cord are all your hopes for the future… All the
good wishes of your family and your friends… Holding tight
through the happy times and the sad times…

(Their hands are now bound together.)

Scary…

LAUGH. Yes, pretty scary… In front of all those people… (Their heads
start to move closer.) What are we doing?

NELL. I have no idea. (Unwrapping hands) People’ll be arriving any

minute!

LAUGH. Could we talk about this again later?

NELL. Maybe. I must go to Guinevere!

LAUGH. And so must I to Arthur!

NELL. (running off upstage) I’ll see you soon!

LAUGH. (running off upstage the other side) Yes, see you soon!

MORGAN. (entering down L) We’re just coming to the really good bit! Yes,
boo away, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo – I love you too! Garlon and
Marlon are right outside and very soon the seeds for Camelot’s
destruction will have been sown! Guinevere and Arthur will
never marry and Camelot will die! It’s all just so perfectly
horrible!

(Fanfare.)

This is it. They’re coming! Ooooh, I need to go off just to calm

down!

(MORGAN exits downstage L.

Upstage there is a processional entrance involving the

CHORUS as courtiers and knights. MERLIN escorts
CONNIE.

Rather unwillingly, UTHER escorts TEDDY, who is wearing

a floral print dress and hangs lovingly on his arm. There is
a BISHOP and a HERALD.)

35
 From one side, enter GUINEVERE and NELL and from the
other, ARTHUR and LAUGHALOT.)

HERALD. My lords, ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for His Majesty, the
King!

UTHER. Yes, thank you, Sidney. Now, before we begin, I’d like to say a
word or two about marriage –

(TEDDY nestles her head on UTHER’S shoulder.)

Merlin, isn’t there something you can do about this?

MERLIN. I’m sure it will wear off during the interval.

UTHER. But it’s intolerable!

(TEDDY squawks and runs to CONNIE, who comforts her.)

CONNIE. Oh, dear. You’ve upset her now!

UTHER. But, she’s a bear!

CONNIE. She put her best frock on just for you! (To TEDDY) There, there.
Nasty, grumpy, King Crosspatch didn’t mean to hurt your
feelings. (Gets out large spotted hanky to wipe away
TEDDY’S tears.)

UTHER. Merlin, this just won’t do!

MERLIN. I did warn you –

UTHER. I’m not interested in your warnings!

MERLIN. Well, maybe if you were, this wouldn’t have happened!

(SFX. Loud raspberry noise as TEDDY blows her nose into

hanky.)

CONNIE. (to TEDDY) There, there. Is that better, now?

UTHER. Merlin, I want you to go to your laboratory –

MERLIN. But –

UTHER. No buts, Merlin, I want you to go now! And I don’t want you to
come out again until you’ve come up with the antidote!
(TEDDY runs to UTHER, grabs his arm and puts her head
on his shoulder again.)

36
 NOW, Merlin!

MERLIN. (huffily) Well, if Your Majesty absolutely insists.

UTHER. Yes, I do absol -

(TEDDY grabs UTHER’S face with both paws and gives him
a big kiss.)

UTHER. (spluttering and fending her off) Get off me! Leave me alone!

MERLIN. I’ll go right now, Your Majesty. (Exits hastily.)

UTHER. Right. Now, where was I? Oh yes. I just want to say a few words
about marriage -

CONNIE. (Blows nose loudly.) Sorry. I’m just a bit emotional.

UTHER. Oh, for goodness sake - let’s just get them married. Bishop!

BISHOP. (flustered) Oh! Yes, er –

MARLON. (MARLON bursts into the auditorium. He has an ice cream

tray and is dressed as an usherette.) Ice creams! Ice creams!
Get your lovely ice creams! All your favourite flavours,
Honeycomb Crunch, Cookies and Cream!

UTHER. (exploding) Will you shut up!

CONNIE. (to MARLON) You’re early, dear. It’s not the interval yet.

MARLON. Yeah, but the early bird catches the worm. (To AUDIENCE)
Chunky monkey, Neapolitan Dynamite, I’ve got ‘em all!

(UTHER descends from the stage.)

UTHER. (to MARLON) Now, look here. I’m the King and this is a royal
wedding. We don’t want any ice creams. We want dignity and
good old British pageantry. (Bundling a protesting MARLON
out.) So, you go out the door and maybe you can wave a flag or
something. That’s it, out you go…! Right, let’s proceed with the
wedding.

(GUNIEVERE suddenly screams. She appears to be being

dragged off by an invisible assailant.)

What is it now?!

CHORUS 1. It’s Princess Guinevere!

37
GUIN. Help, help!

CHORUS 2. What’s happening to her?

CHORUS 3. Maybe it’s an enchantment!

UTHER. (re-gaining the stage) Will somebody please tell me what’s

going on?!!

GUIN. Arthur, Arthur! Help me! Please!

ARTHUR. Guinevere!

NELL. The Princess is being kidnapped!

(GUINEVERE is finally dragged off L by the invisible

GARLON.)

UTHER. By who? There’s nobody there!

ARTHUR. (starting to exit) Quick! After her!

(PYRO. MORGAN jumps on.)

MORGAN. Ahah!

(COURTIERS scream etc.)

Not so fast!

UTHER. Morgan!

MORGAN. Yes, it’s me, Morgan le Fay!

ARTHUR. Where’s Guinevere?

MORGAN. Oh, wouldn’t you like to know, lover boy! She’s on her way to
King Valerin’s misty mountain Castle - and there she’ll stay! So,
you can kiss good bye to all your wedding plans. You’ll be the
last of your line, Arthur Pendragon!

UTHER. Where’s Merlin?

MORGAN. Back in his laboratory. Where I’ve sealed him in and double
locked my magic!

CONNIE. He’s stuck in the lab!

MORGAN. And there he’ll stay for time is the key,

Locked forwards and backwards, so hard to break free.

38
 He’s gotta travel both ways at the same time
To break the riddle concealed in my rhyme!

CHORUS 5. But how can he travel forwards and backwards at the same
time?

CHORUS 6. It’s impossible!

MORGAN. You’re right. He can’t. That’s the beauty of it. And don’t try to
follow us, because you’ll never cross the enchanted forest, or
the shrieking bog, let alone reach the castle. You’re all doomed!
(Exits.)

CONNIE. What a very unpleasant woman.

UTHER. Never mind, unpleasant. She’s locked up Merlin and stolen

Guinevere!

ARTHUR. We must find her. Whatever it takes. Does everyone agree?

ALL. YES!

ARTHUR. Arm yourselves, prepare yourselves for the quest. Bid goodbye
to your loved ones, we’ll never rest until we find Guinevere and
bring her back to Camelot!

(NUMBER and CURTAIN.)

39
 PART 2. SCENE 6.

The Enchanted Forest. Forest full set.

MORGAN revealed with female members of the CHORUS,

who are the EVIL SISTERHOOD. Ominous MUSIC.

MORGAN. Dark and deep within the wood,

Live the Evil Sisterhood,
Mad and bad we dance awhile,
Bent on all that’s sad and vile.
Wild and free, no man will tame,
All who bear our evil name.
Glitonea!

GLITONEA. Here sister!

MORGAN. Thitis!

THITIS. Here!

MORGAN. Morgause!

MORGAUSE.Here!

MORONOE. And I, Moronoe!

MAZOE. Mazoe!

GLITEN. Gliten!

TYRONOE. Tyronoe!

MORGAN. Sisters, let’s wind up the charm,

So, all who trespass come to harm!

(Sexy, sassy NUMBER, led by MORGAN. After a while,

CONNIE and TEDDY enter and surreptitiously join in. At the
end of the number, MORGAN walks amongst the
SISTERHOOD.)

MORGAN. Do you all swear devotion to the Sisterhood?

ALL. Yes!

MORGAN. Do you all swear to do evil at all times?

ALL Yes!

MORGAN. (stopping suddenly) Do I know you?

40
CONNIE. Only as a sister.

MORGAN. There’s something funny about you.

CONNIE. I make my friends laugh.

MORGAN. Why don’t I know your name?

CONNIE. I don’t know. Why don’t you?

MORGAN. (shooting up a hand to grab CONNIE by the chin.) Who are

you?

CONNIE. Me? I’m just one of the sisters.

MORGAN. (indicating TEDDY) And her?

CONNIE. She’s a sister too.

MORGAN. A sister…? (Suddenly) Do you shave?

CONNIE. (evasively) Not every day…

MORGAN. Even once a week would be suspicious. Sisters! We have a spy!

(The SISTERS rush to capture CONNIE.)

GLITONEA. I hear marching!

THITIS. So, do I!

MORGAN. Take them away and bind them securely. I shall decide what to
do with them later. Come, sisters!

(MORGAN and the SISTERS exit taking CONNIE and

TEDDY.

MUSIC. UTHER, ARTHUR, LAUGHALOT, NELL and the male

CHORUS as KNIGHTS enter.)

UTHER. Everybody halt! Well, here we are, in the enchanted forest.

Where have Connie and Teddy sloped off to?

NELL. They’ve gone to try and find out more about Morgan and the Evil
Sisterhood.

UTHER. Crazy pair of females!

NELL. Jolly brave pair of females, if you ask me!

41
ARTHUR. I should say so.

LAUGH. Me too. It’s really spooky here.

ARTHUR. Never mind that, we have to press on.

KNIGHTS. (cravenly) But he’s right - it’s really spooky!

UTHER. Silence in the ranks!

KNIGHT 1. But we’re all scared!

KNIGHT 2. We want to go home!

KNIGHT 3. And Merlin isn’t here to help us!

LAUGH. Stop it! You’ll get me at it if you go on like this.

(A screech owl hoots.)

LAUGH &
KNIGHTS. Aaah!

UTHER. Pull yourselves together!

LAUGH. But it’s all too scary! (To AUDIENCE) Help me, help me!

(AUDIENCE respond.)

Phwaw! That’s better. Now, I’m not scared – I’m pulled together
completely. What do I care, if Morgan and her evil sisters catch
me? They can tie me to a tree for the wolves to eat for all I care
- or chop me into tiny little pieces to feed to the… What am I
saying?

KNIGHTS. We’re going home! (They start to run off.)

ARTHUR. Wait! Knights of Camelot, where is your valour? Your courage?

Where are your hearts?

UTHER. That’s right, Arthur, you tell them.

KNIGHT 4. (indicating LAUGHALOT) But he said -

ARTHUR. (interrupting) We are brothers in arms! We make light of

danger and laugh in its face. We scorn the perils others fear. We
are bold, we are brave, we are knights! Are you with me?

42
KNIGHTS. (raggedly) “Maybe…”, “If it’s not too dangerous”, “I’ve got
childcare issues” etc.

ARTHUR. That’s no good. (Shouting) I said, are you with me?!

KNIGHTS. Yes!

ARTHUR. That’s better, men. One more time - are you with me?

KNIGHTS. (rousingly) YEES!!

ARTHUR. Then let’s show to the world our valour and our courage – our
bulldog tenacity, our fearsome resolve – let us show to the world
the spirit of CAMELOT!!!

(ALL cheer and strike a triumphant pose.

MORGAN and the SISTERS leap on.

The KNIGHTS immediately scream and run off. ARTHUR,

UTHER, LAUGHALOT and NELL remain.)

MORGAN. How lovely to see you – too bad you won’t live till morning.

LAUGH. (whimpering) This is too much! (To AUDIENCE) Help me, help
me! (AUDIENCE respond.) Thank you! Thank you! I feel
courage pulsing through me! (To MORGAN) Now listen to me,
you uppity old windbag –

MORGAN. I beg your pardon!

LAUGH. You barge in here in your slinky black dress and your fish net
tights (or as appropriate) as if you rule the place!

MORGAN. I do rule the place.

LAUGH. That’s what you say, and it’s what I thought you’d say, and you
can keep on saying that until the cows come home, but let me
tell you… I’m sorry, what did you say?

GLITEN. She said, she rules the place.

TYRONOE. And you are so going to be toast!

LAUGH. Er… Arthur?

ARTHUR. I think at times like this, it’s always best to –

LAUGH. Yes?

43
ARTHUR. RUN!

(ALL run with MORGAN and the SISTERS in pursuit.)

MORGAN. After them!

(The chase can be as simple or intricate as you choose to

devise. Insert ad lib dialogue as necessary.

By the end of the chase, LAUGHALOT has become

detached from the group and enters on his own.)

LAUGH. I’m lost and all alone! (He sees something in the opposite
wing and cowers.) Oh, no! I can see a pair of sisters coming
towards me through the trees! I’m fed up being brave, I just want
to be tucked up in bed with a nice cup of cocoa and my
favourite -

(TEDDY and CONNIE enter at speed.)

Teddy – and Connie!

CONNIE. Laughalot! Where’s everyone else?

LAUGH. I don’t know. I lost them. What happened to you?

CONNIE. They had us all tied up, but Teddy gnawed through our bonds
when they went after you lot.

LAUGH. Fantastic! But what do we do now?

CONNIE. We get out of this wood and find the others.

LAUGH. But where are they?

CONNIE. They’ll be making for Valerin’s castle.

LAUGH. Why did I think you’d say that?

CONNIE. Because we’ve got to rescue Guinevere. (Portentously, as if

about to break into song.) I know it’s scary, but it’s something
we’ve just got to do. (They pose bravely.)

LAUGH. Shall we sing a song?

CONNIE. No, let’s just get going!

(BLACKOUT.)

44
 SCENE 7.

A Corridor in Misty Mountain Castle. Tabs or front cloth.

VALERIN, wearing glasses, enters with MARLON (and

GARLON) bring on a struggling GUINEVERE.

VALERIN. Here we are. Welcome to your new home. Steady, Garlon.

GUIN. (Struggling against GARLON) Let go of me, you see-through,

clingwrap clown!

VALERIN. Maybe I should have carried you over the threshold.

GUIN. And maybe I should have kicked you over the threshold. (Turns
to GARLON.) Like this!

(GUINEVERE pushes GARLON away and kicks out at just

below waist height. The imaginary blow is reinforced by a
drum noise from the pit.

GARLON’s voice. “Ooof!”

Bass drum noise to suggest that GARLON has been felled

to the floor.)

MARLON. Ooh, dear. He won’t be happy with that!

VALERIN. Are you alright, Garlon…? Do you want to stay there, or go and
have a bit of a lie down?

MARLON. I think he just needs a little time to himself.

(They watch GARLON crawl in front of them and off the

other side.)

Off you go, old son. (To VALERIN.) You’ll have to watch her
right leg, if you want to stay in one piece.

VALERIN. I think she’s warming to me though.

GUIN. I wouldn’t warm to you, if you were a fifteen-foot bonfire in the

middle of the North Pole!

VALERIN. You see?

MARLON. Well, it’s better than a kick in the wotsits, I suppose. You need to
woo her a bit - you know, charm her.

45
GUIN. How can you charm a woman you’ve kidnapped and then
dragged through forests, swamps and up a mountain?!

MARLON. We didn’t think of that.

VALERIN. But we did it for love, Guinevere.

GUIN. You wouldn’t recognise the word ‘love’, if I spelt it with a ‘U’ and
painted it purple!

MARLON. How else would you spell it?

VALERIN. (falling to his knees) Oh, Guinevere! I love you!

GUIN. And I loathe you!

MUM. (entering) You ungrateful little minx – and after all he’s done for
you! He’s a lovely boy!

(NUMBER, in which GUINEVERE expresses her feelings of

revulsion and VALERIN attempts to woo her, aided and
abetted by MUM and MARLON.

BLACKOUT.)

46
 SCENE 8.

The Haunted Hotel in the Shrieking Bog.

CONNIE, LAUGHALOT and TEDDY enter in a blackout.

CONNIE carries a torch. Quiet, spooky MUSIC.

CONNIE. Thank goodness we got out of that horrible forest.

LAUGH. Lucky we found a hotel.

CONNIE. It’s very dark in here though, isn’t it? Can you find the light
switch?

LAUGH. I’m looking.

CONNIE. What’s this? (She examines the inscription at the foot of the
bed.) The Adventurous Bed… And here’s me just wanting a
good night’s sleep.

LAUGH. Hang on; I think I’ve found it. It’s just here.

(The three gather downstage and inspect the switch which

LAUGHALOT has in his hand.)

CONNIE. Well, turn it on, then.

LAUGH. Righto.

(LAUGHALOT moves the switch and the lights come up.

They are all wearing nightshirts or pyjamas and
LAUGHALOT has a night cap.)

It worked!

CONNIE. So, this is the Haunted Hotel in the Shrieking Bog. Reminds me
of (Local hotel) - (FX. A ghastly shriek is heard. The three
cluster together.) See what I mean?

LAUGH. Those shrieks give me the willies.

CONNIE. It’s just the bog. We should try and ignore it. I wonder what time
it is.

(Doors on the face of the Grandfather Clock fly open. A face

appears. The three jump with shock.)

CLOCK. It’s late; now go to bed! (The doors shut.)

47
CONNIE. Oooh, dear. Just for a moment, I thought that clock told us to go
to bed!

CLOCK. (doors fly open) I did! (Doors shut.)

CONNIE. You see?

(LAUGHALOT and TEDDY nod.

FX Another bloodcurdling scream is heard. TEDDY flings

herself on the bed and covers her head with the pillow.)

CONNIE. It’s OK, Teddy, it’s OK, it’s just the bog. It’s a noisy bog and a
talkative clock, that’s all.

(The doors to the clock fly open.)

CLOCK. I’ve told you before. It’s late. Now, will you please go to bed!

(Doors shut.)

LAUGH. Maybe we’d better do what s/he says.

CONNIE. Good idea. Let’s all just get into bed and go to sleep.

LAUGH. I wish Nell was here.

CONNIE. If Nell was here, you wouldn’t be able to get into this bed.

LAUGH. Why not?

CONNIE. (a beat) Because there wouldn’t be any room. Now, I’ll go in the
middle and you two go either side. Alright? Comfy?

(TEDDY and LAUGHALOT nod and TEDDY whispers to

CONNIE.)

CONNIE. What’s that? You want a nice bedtime story?

TEDDY. (Nods.)

CONNIE. Alright then, we’ll have nice a bedtime story.

LAUGH. Oh, good. I like stories.

CONNIE. Once upon a time, there was a truly beautiful woman who found
herself in a funny old bed with a dancing bear and a scaredy cat
jester –

CLOCK. (doors fly open) That is a ridiculous story!

48
CONNIE. I beg your pardon?

CLOCK. It’s way past your bedtime. Now put out the lights and go to
sleep! (Doors slam shut.)

CONNIE. Alright, alright, alright! We’d better do what the clock says. Put
out the light, and we’ll go to sleep.

LAUGH. Alright then. Ready everybody? Night night.

(LAUGHALOT puts out the light. The bed remains dimly

visible. All is quiet for a moment and then the air is rent by
another scream, but no one in the bed reacts. There is
silence. Suddenly there is a loud fart. TEDDY and
LAUGHALOT leap out of the bed either side. LAUGHALOT
has turned on the light.)

LAUGH. Oy, referee! That’s not on!

CONNIE. It wasn’t me! It wasn’t me!

LAUGH. I don’t believe you.

CONNIE. It wasn’t!

LAUGH. Teddy? Was it you?

TEDDY. (Shakes her head vehemently.)

LAUGH. Are you sure?

TEDDY. (Nods her head)

LAUGH. Well, it wasn’t me.

CLOCK. (Doors open.) It was me. Sorry. (Doors shut.)

CONNIE. Well, really. Come back to bed and let’s try and get some sleep.

LAUGH. Alright, but I want to go to sleep with the light on. This room is
just too spooky for me.

CONNIE. OK, we’ll leave the light on. Are you alright now? Right. Night
night, Teddy; night night, Laughalot.

LAUGH. Night night, Connie. (Yawning) Night night, Teddy.

(The three settle down to sleep. The arm in the portrait

reaches down and removes LAUGHALOT’s nightcap.

49
 Speechless with terror, he looks up and sees it waving
around. The arm throws it on the floor and returns to its
original position. LAUGHALOT screams and leaps out of
bed. CONNIE and TEDDY wake up with a start.)

Aaah!

CONNIE. What is it Laughalot?

LAUGH. The picture threw my cap on the floor!

CONNIE. Don’t be silly, it must have fallen off.

LAUGH. How could it fall off half way across the room?

CONNIE. I don’t know. Just get back into bed, or you’ll get the clock
shouting at us again.

LAUGH. (unhappily getting back into bed) It’s all very well for you to
say ‘get back into bed’, but you wouldn’t say that if it was --

CONNIE. (interrupting) Shut your eyes –

(LAUGHALOT screws his eyes tight shut.)

And go to sleep. Night night.

LAUGH. (miserably) Night night.

(The three settle down to sleep. CONNIE snores. The arm

reaches down and again, removes the night cap, puts it on
CONNIE’S head and disappears. LAUGHALOT leaps out of
bed.)

This is too much. I’m too scared. Help me! Help me!

(AUDIENCE shout.)

Thank you! I’m not scared any more now! I don’t care about all
the spooky things in this room. In fact - I like this room! Let’s say
hello to Mr/Mrs Clock and get to know each other!

(LAUGHALOT opens the doors on the body of the clock to

reveal a GHOST.)

Hey, it’s a ghost! I like ghosts too! Hello ghost! A ghost? A

GHOST!! I don’t like ghosts! Aaaah!

(LAUGHALOT runs off pursued by the GHOST.)

50
CONNIE. (waking) What was that noise? And where’s Laughalot got to?
(To AUDIENCE) Did any of you see where he got to?
(Response.) A ghost? (Getting up to investigate) Over here?
Are you sure?

(Unseen by CONNIE, the bed slides into the wall.)

Well, I can’t see any ghosts. And I bet you can’t either, can you,
Teddy? (She turns to find that TEDDY and the bed have
disappeared.) Where’s the bed gone? And where’s Teddy?
What? Into the wall? (Goes up to the wall.) Are you sure?
(Notices cap, takes it off and holds it out.) And what am I
doing wearing this?

(The arm reappears and takes the cap from her.)

Oh, thank you dear.

(CONNIE does a double take. The arm gently waves the cap
and then whisks it through the hole. CONNIE runs
downstage screaming.

The bed comes back through the wall without TEDDY, but
with LAUGHALOT.)

LAUGH. Aaah!

CONNIE. Laughalot!

(LAUGHALOT joins CONNIE downstage.)

LAUGH. Oh, Connie, I don’t want to be brave any more! The picture took
my cap, I’ve been chased by a ghost and I’ve just come through
the wall on that bed!

CONNIE. I know. It’s got me spooked this room.

(The bed goes back into the wall, but they do not notice.)

LAUGH. Me too. I’m not going back in that bed. I feel safer down here.

CONNIE. So, do I.

LAUGH. Where’s Teddy?

CONNIE. She went through the wall. There are strange things happening
in this room.

LAUGH. (To AUDIENCE) You will you tell us if you see anything else
strange happening, won’t you?

51
 (AUDIENCE respond.)

CONNIE. Are you sure?

(The bed comes back through the wall with TEDDY and a
GHOST (who remains unseen) under the covers. TEDDY
gets out of the bed and moves downstage towards CONNIE
and LAUGHALOT. The AUDIENCE start to shout.)

CONNIE. What’s that? Behind us? Is there something behind us? There
is? Oh, no. Is it right behind us? It is?!!

(TEDDY comes between CONNIE and LAUGHALOT. She

puts a paw on either shoulder.)

CONNIE &
LAUGH. Aaaaah!

(They look inwards and realise that it is only TEDDY.)

CONNIE. Teddy!

LAUGH. We thought you were a ghost.

(The GHOST gets up, stands in the bed and waves about.

AUDIENCE start to shout.)

CONNIE. What’s that? A ghost? No, you’re just trying to trick us like you
did with Teddy. What, behind us? Are you sure?

(The GHOST walks down towards them.)

Really? Well, I think you’re all a lot of fibbers. There’s no ghost

at all is there?

(RESPONSE.)

Oh, no there isn’t!

(RESPONSE.)

Oh, no there isn’t!

(RESPONSE.)

There isn’t, there isn’t, there isn’t!

(RESPONSE.)

52
Alright. If you’re so sure, we’ll take a look behind us. And you tell
us if you see anything.

(They all turn L and proceed in an anti clockwise circle. The

GHOST tags along, but after a while taps LAUGHALOT on
the shoulder. He turns, screams and runs off L. CONNIE
and TEDDY complete the circle and the GHOST resumes its
position behind them.)

There you see, nothing at all. Hang on a moment - where’s

Laughalot?

(TEDDY shrugs. The AUDIENCE shout.)

What? A ghost? Where? Alright, I tell you what, we’ll look the
other way.

(They both turn R and proceed in a clockwise circle. The

GHOST tags along, but after a while taps TEDDY on the
shoulder. She turns, screams and runs off R. CONNIE
completes the circle and the GHOST resumes its position
behind her.)

You’re just messing us about. There’s nothing at all, is there

Teddy? Where’s Teddy?

(AUDIENCE shout.)

What? A ghost? Is it still there?

(The GHOST stands beside her.)

Beside me? Are you sure? Alright, I’ll have a look.

(Nervously, CONNIE turns to look. The GHOST sees her,

screams and dives on to the bed which disappears into the
wall.)

Well, really!

(BLACKOUT.)

53
 SCENE 9.

Magical Moments. Tabs or Showcloth.

MORGAN is revealed L. She has a crystal ball.

MORGAN. Yes, yes. Boo away. I love it…! (Looking into ball.) Well,
haven’t we had fun and games at the Haunted Hotel in the
Shrieking Bog…?

Too bad that some of Arthur’s party managed to escape from

the Enchanted Forest – but that just leaves me with a little trip to
Valerin’s Castle, to meet up with them all and kill them!

(AUDIENCE response.)

Silence! Or I’ll let down your tyres and put roadworks all along
the A429! (Local Road.)

(There is an electronic beep, or musical jingle.)

What’s this? I’ve got a crystal text alert! (Reads in ball.)

‘Look to Merlin and don’t you gloat,

He’ll find a way to cross the moat.
Over the moat and off he’ll go,
Back on the case and still your foe!’
Curses! This cannot be!

(Rubbing the ball.)

I want to see Merlin, answer my call!

Just what is he up to, magical Ball?!

(Shimmery MUSIC. MERLIN enters R. He has a chemical

flask with a coloured liquid in it.)

(Still looking into ball) There he is! I can see him! But, what’s
this? What’s he got in that flask?

MERLIN. (looking at potion in flask) This is it, I’m sure it is! The secret
of eternal youth!

Whilst moving forwards, yet let me go back,

One sip will show if I’m on the right track!

(MERLIN sips from the flask. PYRO. BLACKOUT and then

the lights come up to reveal a much younger MERLIN,
similarly dressed with a long beard.)

54
YOUNG M. I’ve done it!

MORGAN. He’s done it. He’s cracked my riddle and broken my spell!

YOUNG M. I’m ageing backwards! I can go backwards into the future! Now,
let’s see where we are. (Produces crystal ball, which he rubs
and looks into.) Aha! (He speaks into the ball.) I can see you
Morgan!

MORGAN. (speaking into ball) And I can see you, but you haven’t won
yet!

YOUNG M. There’s just one little thing that you forget,

I’m young, I’m strong and I feel ten foot tall!

MORGAN. I can see all that, right here in my ball,

YOUNG M. You won’t beat me now, I’m back to my peak!

MORGAN. And you won’t beat me, you big bearded geek!
I’m better than you!

YOUNG M. No, you’re not!

MORGAN. Yes, I am!

YOUNG M. That’s rubbish!

MORGAN. You’re rubbish!

YOUNG M. Toffee nose!

MORGAN. Dingbat!

YOUNG M. Wombat!

MORGAN. Cowpat!

BOTH. (simultaneously throwing their crystal balls into the wing)

This is ridiculous!

(Turning to face each other.) I’M BETTER THAN YOU!!!

(Competitive NUMBER. E.g. “Anything You Can Do”.

BLACKOUT.)

55
 SCENE 10.

The Great Hall of Misty Mountain Castle

There are matching doors in the back wall, UL and UR. (If
the stage is small, apertures with curtains could be used
instead.)

BISHOP, VALERIN and MUM (wearing the glasses) revealed.

The latter two wear carnation button holes. MUSIC. Bridal
March.

MARLON (and GARLON) struggle in with GUINEVERE.

GUIN. Let go of me, you repulsive reptiles!

MARLON. Easy, girl. Easy. That’s it Garlon, you hold her shoulders.

MUM. Look, Missie. Either, you marry my lovely boy here, or we’ll just
have to put you into a magical sleep. And don’t think we won’t
because I’ve got the potion right here, from Morgan le Fay.
(Produces phial.)

VALERIN. Be nice, Guinevere. Don’t make us put you to sleep. Marry me.

MUM. We’ve got the Bishop and everything!

GUIN. I don’t care who you’ve got. I am not marrying your odious,
nauseating and revolting son!

VALERIN. Those are just words, Guinevere. You love me, you know you
do!

GUIN. I don’t! I really, truly don’t!

VALERIN. (to AUDIENCE) She does, doesn’t she?

(Negative RESPONSE.)

Are you sure?

(RESPONSE.)

Are you truly, truly sure?

You’ve broken my heart here today. You’ve all of you broken my

heart!

MUM. (giving phial to MARLON) Put her to sleep!

56
 (MARLON endeavours to get GUINEVERE to swallow the
mixture.)

MARLON. That’s it, Garlon. Hold her tight and don’t let her scream.

GUIN. No, no, no!! Get off me, leave me alone!

(GUINEVERE is manoeuvred to the bed. She tries to spit out

the mixture, but swallows some and falls asleep. MARLON
catches her and she is laid out on the bed.)

MUM. Here’s the antidote. (Gives a phial to VALERIN) You can wake
her up later and see if she’s changed her mind.

VALERIN. A nice drop of antidote and a loving kiss. Let’s go and prepare
the bridal suite!

MUM. Good idea. Garlon, you stay here and keep an eye on her.

(GARLON’S voice. “OK.”)

MARLON. Let’s go.

MUM. Come along, Bishop.

(MARLON, MUM, BISHOP and VALERIN exit through the

door UL.

UTHER’s head pops on from the downstage wing.

ARTHUR’S head pops on above UTHER’S. NELL’S head
pops on above ARTHUR’S.)

UTHER. The coast is clear.

ARTHUR. Look! There’s Guinevere.

NELL. She’s asleep!

UTHER. What’s she doing asleep?!

(They rush to GUINEVERE. UTHER shakes her.)

Guinevere, wake up!

NELL. There’s a bottle in her hand. I think she must have been given
some sort of potion. (Reads) Enchanted sleep mixture.

ARTHUR. How will we wake her from an enchanted sleep?

57
UTHER. How do you normally wake a Princess from an enchanted
sleep?

ARTHUR. I suppose you have to kiss her?

UTHER. Well, don’t keep us waiting all day.

ARTHUR. Right. OK. I’ll kiss her…

(Tentatively ARTHUR kisses GUINEVERE.)

UTHER. Don’t pussyfoot about! Kiss her properly!

(Again, ARTHUR gently kisses GUINEVERE.

UTHER bundles ARTHUR out of the way.)

Here, let me do it! A little peck like that wouldn’t wake a dozing
dormouse!

ARTHUR. No, father, no!

UTHER. Why not?

NELL. I really think it would be better if Arthur did it, Your Majesty.

ARTHUR. And I’ve already tried. We need to find Valerin. He must have an
antidote.

UTHER. Come on, then. No time like the present. Let’s try that door
there.

(They exit through the door UL.

The door shuts behind them – and then, as if moved by an

invisible being, it re-opens and shuts. {Strong fishing line.}

CONNIE, LAUGHALOT and TEDDY enter in the Auditorium.)

CONNIE. We’ve done it! We’re in the Castle!

LAUGH. Look at all these people.

(TEDDY is shaking hands, patting heads etc.)

CONNIE. Yes, I know. Strange castle beings… Come along, Teddy, don’t
touch them, you don’t know where they’ve been.

LAUGH. Look! There’s Guinevere!

58
CONNIE. She’s fast asleep. Quick! Let’s wake her.

(They ALL rush up to the stage.)

Wake up Guinevere. Wake up! Wakey, wakeeyyy!

LAUGH. She’s out for the count if you ask me.

CONNIE. (taking bottle from GUINEVERE’S hand) Look – Enchanted

Sleep Mixture. No wonder she’s having a snooze.

LAUGH. What’ll we do?

CONNIE. I don’t know. There must be an antidote. Let’s have a poke

about and see if we can find it.

LAUGH. Come on then. Let’s try that door there.

(LAUGHALOT, CONNIE and TEDDY exit through the door

UL.

MARLON, VALERIN and MUM enter through the door UR.)

MARLON. What are we doing back here?

VALERIN. I don’t know.

MUM. We’ve lost the Bishop!

MARLON. We’d better go back and find him. It’s like a maze in there.

(MARLON, VALERIN and MUM exit back through door UR.

BISHOP enters bewilderedly through the door UL. He looks

about and exits hurriedly through the door UR.

Magically, the door UL opens and shuts. Then the door UR

opens and shuts… and re-opens. UTHER, ARTHUR and
NELL come out.)

UTHER. We’ve just gone round in a big circle.

NELL. I thought I heard Connie and Laughalot.

ARTHUR. So, did I.

UTHER. Reinforcements, eh? Let’s go back and find them.

(UTHER, ARTHUR and NELL exit back through the door UR.

59
 MARLON, VALERIN and MUM enter through the door UL.)

MARLON. Still no sign of the Bishop.

(They ALL cross to the door UR.)

VALERIN. We need him for the wedding.

MUM. Better keep searching.

(The BISHOP enters through the door UL.)

M, M & V. Bishop!

BISHOP. (fearfully - and as if being led to MARLON) He’s holding my

arm!

MARLON. It’s only Garlon. (Appearing to hear GARLON whispering.)

What’s that? They’re here? Uther and Arthur?

MUM. We’d better go and nobble ‘em.

MARLON. Let’s go. Good work, Garlon.

(They make to exit through the door UR, but it is opened

and CONNIE, TEDDY and LAUGHALOT burst out.)

They’re here!

CONNIE. Back the way we came!

MARLON. After them!

(CONNIE, LAUGHALOT and TEDDY exit through the door

UR, pursued by MARLON, MUM, VALERIN, a confused
BISHOP and GARLON.

Just before the door UR closes, UTHER, ARTHUR and NELL

enter through the door UL.)

ARTHUR. That’s them!

NELL. They’ll have the antidote!

UTHER. Quick!

(ARTHUR, NELL and UTHER rush off through the door UR.

There is a moment’s silence and then a huge rumpus

behind the doors. Bangs, shouts, clatters etc.)

UTHER. (off) I’ve got it!

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 (UTHER, ARTHUR and NELL burst through the door UR.
Whilst CONNIE, LAUGHALOT and TEDDY burst through the
door UL.

UTHER brandishes the phial.)

UTHER. (triumphantly) I’ve got the antidote!

CONNIE. There it is! The antidote!

(CONNIE rushes at UTHER and snatches the phial and exits

at speed through the door UR.)

I’ve got it! I’ve got the antidote!

(The others stare at each other for a second, nonplussed.)

UTHER. Come back! We’re on the same side!

(EVERYONE pursues CONNIE through the door UR.

VALERIN, MARLON, MUM and the BISHOP burst out of the

door UL.)

VALERIN. The antidote! The antidote! They’ve got the antidote!

(VALERIN, MARLON, MUM and the BISHOP rush across the

stage and also exit through the door UR.

Renewed rumpus behind the doors, at the end of which

EVERYONE except the BISHOP streams severally out of
both doors. They are all exhausted.)

UTHER. Who’s got it? Who’s got the antidote?

CONNIE. I don’t know. I lost it somewhere.

VALERIN. Mum, have you got it?

MUM. No.

MARLON. What about you, Garlon?

(GARLON’S voice. “No”.)

ARTHUR. Well, somebody must have it!

(The BISHOP enters triumphantly from the door UL.)

BISHOP. It’s me! I have it! I have the antidote!

(He brandishes the phial in the air and drops it behind the
bed. FX. There is the sound of smashed glass.)

61
 Oh, no! I’ve dropped it!

ALL. BISHOP!!

ARTHUR. How will we wake Guinevere now? If only Merlin were here to
help us!

(PYRO. YOUNG MERLIN jumps on triumphantly R.)

YOUNG M. In a flash I am here!

ALL. MERLIN!!

CONNIE. You look different, dear.

MERLIN. I’m a thousand years younger!

UTHER. Well, at least you’ll be able to wake Guinevere.

(PYRO. MORGAN jumps on L.)

ALL. MORGAN!!

MORGAN. Not so fast, Merlin. Young or old, you’ll never beat me!

YOUNG M. I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Morgan.

MORGAN. I’ve read all your books, there’s nothing that I’ve missed - and
I’m just plain better!

YOUNG M. (producing a paper) Have a look at this.

UTHER. What is it?

MORGAN. (taking it) It’s just a blank piece of paper.

YOUNG M. Look again. (Gestures.)

(Magical MUSIC sting. MORGAN “sees” the writing.)

MORGAN. (Reads) Of all the spells you have in your head,

There’s one that you may have misread.
It’s this one you see,
Number thirty-one B….
(Aghast) Once spoken you’re very soon dead!!

YOUNG M. It takes thirty one seconds, Morgan, and the clock’s ticking…

ARTHUR. You mean - ?

YOUNG M. Yes, she’ll be dead – unless…

62
MORGAN. Yes?

YOUNG M. She renounces all her magical powers and promises to be good!
Twenty seconds, Morgan!

MORGAN. Aaah, oooohh, aaah… I can feel it, gnawing, biting at my

innards! Aaaaah!

YOUNG M. Ten seconds, Morgan!

MORGAN. Yes, yes, OK, yes! I promise to be good!

YOUNG M. And...?

MORGAN. I renounce my magical powers!

YOUNG M. (with a big gesture) Cease – and let be! (MUSIC.)

MORGAN. Oooh, ah, oooh! I feel better. I feel good…! I am good!

(The GOODIES cheer.)

MUM. Can we be to be good too?

VALERIN. What?

MUM. Do what you’re told.

VALERIN. Ok, I want to be good.

MARLON. And me!

(GARLON’S voice. “And me!”)

EVIL
SISTERS. (entering) And us! We want to be good. Can we be good too,
please?!

CONNIE. Oh, my goodness – what a lot of goodness!

ARTHUR. Er, Merlin, is there any chance of waking Guinevere, now

everyone’s so good?

YOUNG M. Just kiss her.

UTHER. We already tried that.

YOUNG M. Try again.

(MUSIC. ARTHUR kisses GUINEVERE. She awakes.)

63
GUIN. Arthur. It’s you…!

UTHER. (testily) Yes, we’re all here.

NELL. (apologetically) it’s quite a crowd.

ARTHUR. Guinevere, will you come back to Camelot and marry me?

GUIN. Yes, Arthur. Yes, I will.

(ALL cheer.)

LAUGH. Nell, there’s something I want to ask you too!

NELL. What?

LAUGH. I, er, I er… Oh, dear. (To AUDIENCE.) Help me, help me!

(Response.)

Fantastic, thank you! (Very fast) Nell, will you come back to
marry and Camelot me too? I mean –

NELL. Yes, Laughalot, I will!

(ALL cheer.

The KNIGHTS run on.)

KNIGHTS. We’re here! We’re here!

KNIGHT 1. We made it!

KNIGHT 2. Through the forest!

KNIGHT 3. Through the bog!

KNIGHT 4. Up the mountain!

KNIGHT 5. And we’re ready to fight!

UTHER. You’re late.

CONNIE. Never mind, you’re just in time to sing!

(Celebratory NUMBER. BLACKOUT.)

64
 SCENE 11.

A Right Royal Sing Song. Front cloth or Tabs.

CONNIE. Are you all enjoying yourselves? (Response.) Fantastic! Would

you like to sing a song? (Response.) Well, that’s a bit of luck
because that’s exactly what we’re going to do. I mean, here we
are back in Camelot and everything’s sorted! Morgan’s given up
her evil ways, Arthur, Guinevere, Laughalot and Nell are all
getting married – and Merlin’s a bright young thing. In fact, he’s
going to help me magic up some words for you right now.
(Calling off.) Are you there, Merlin, dear?

(PYRO. VERY YOUNG MERLIN, a child with a big long

beard, enters R.)

V YOUNG
MERLIN. In a flash I am here!

CONNIE. Oh, good boy. He seems to be getting younger every day. Now,
could we have the words, please?

(VERY YOUNG MERLIN makes a magic pass and the song

sheet is either flown in or brought on.)

Well done. Didn’t he do well?! Now off you go to the nursery and
I’ll be along later with your egg and soldiers. That’s it. (To
AUDIENCE.) Now, can you all see the words?

(Ad lib song sheet. If desired, Children can be invited on to

the stage to help sing the song. Similarly, CONNIE can
initiate a competition amongst the AUDIENCE to see who
can sing loudest e.g. the boys versus the girls, or the
grownups versus the children, or one side of the house
versus the other etc. Other characters can be brought on
stage if desired. Finally, it is time to sing for the last time.)

Brilliant! You’ve been a really great audience and we’ve really

enjoyed your company. But, I’ve got to go and get Merlin’s
supper, so you can all sing the song one last time with Teddy!

(CONNIE exits as TEDDY skips on waving.

TEDDY opens her arms like a conductor to bring the

AUDIENCE in – and as the song draws to a close, she exits
waving. BLACKOUT.)

65
 SCENE 12.

The Royal Wedding. (Full set as in Scene 5.)

(Walkdown. All turn in as GUINEVERE and ARTHUR meet

UC.)

CONNIE. Hip, hip!

ALL. Hooray!

GUIN. Farewell dear friends our tale is told,

VALERIN. Of love so true,

ARTHUR. (firmly) And deeds so bold!

UTHER. We went through bush and also briar

MORGAN. And thirty one B right down to the wire!

NELL. My brave boy is now Sir Laughalot

LAUGH. (To AUDIENCE) But I’ll still need all your help - a lot.

V YOUNG
MERLIN. I just want to get older and older

CONNIE. By next year he’ll be up to my shoulder,

MERLIN. So, we leave you now a contented crew,

MUM. Goodnight –

BISHOP. God bless –

ALL. And a safe journey too!

(Reprise a NUMBER and CURTAIN.)

66
PROPS LIST

Prologue

Scarf (MUM)

Rolled parchment (MORGAN)

Scene 1

Velcro fastened collar and long lead (TEDDY/CONNIE)

Paper bag of jelly babies (MUM)

Rolled parchment (UTHER)

Scene 3

Table set with flasks, jars etc. (On stage)

Two large lid type covers on table (On stage)

Two flasks with coloured solution (MERLIN)

Merlin’s magic book (On stage)

Corked bottle of magic mixture (On stage, under table)

Scene 4

Magic glasses (MUM)

Scene 5

Cord or ribbon (NELL)

Large spotted hankie (CONNIE)

Usherette’s ice cream tray (MARLON)

Scene 8

Light switch (LAUGHALOT)

Scene 9

Crystal ball (MORGAN)

Flask with (drinkable!) liquid (MERLIN)

67
Crystal ball (YOUNG MERLIN)

Scene 10

Magic glasses (MUM)

Carnation button holes (VALERIN & MUM)

Sleeping potion phial (MUM)

Antidote phial (MUM)

Paper parchment (Spell thirty one B) (YOUNG MERLIN)

Scene 11

Song sheet

68