Flushed Away: The Musical 2

FLUSHED AWAY: THE MUSICAL

Based on the film “Flushed Away”

Created by:
Holly Wilson
CJ Moffat
Ewan Griffiths
Flushed Away: The Musical 3

TIME:

PRESENT DAY

SETTING:

KENSINGTON, LONDON

THE LONDON SEWERS

Flushed Away: The Musical 4

CHARACTERS
RODDY
A posh, yet lonely, upper-class rat who lives a luxurious life in an apartment in
Kensington...until he's flushed away into the sewers by a rat named Sid, forcing
Roddy to embark on a quest to return home.
RITA
Roddy's near-complete opposite, a poor yet tough-as-nails sewer rat barely
making ends meet in her efforts to support her large family, while also avoiding
the clutches of the Toad.
TOAD/LIAM
Toad is the main antagonist. He is Roddy's arch-nemesis and the henchrats
(including Spike and Whitey)'s leader and boss and Le Frog's leader, boss, and
older cousin.
Liam Malone is one of Rita's brothers, a teenaged rat with freckles, braces, and
black hair. He is always bossing people around.
SID/ LE FROG/RITA’S GRANDMA/SHOCKY
Sid is a football frenzied sewer rat who ends up in Roddy's apartment one night,
after being born and raised in the sewers.
Lé Frog is a secondary antagonist and The Toad's French cousin and mercenary
in Flushed Away. Even though he is The Toads cousin, he knows his plans are a
bit extreme.
She is Rita’s grandmother. She is crazy and is a big fan of Welsh singer Tom
Jones.
He is a British, cute little rat. The youngest of the Malone pack.
SPIKE/COLLIN/RITA’S MUM
Spike is a tertiary antagonist and is an evil rat desperate to prove himself worthy
to the Toad. He is assumed to be the leader of Toad's henchrats and is Whitey's
friend and partner-in-crime.
Collin is a Constable who’s only job and life purpose is to protect Lower
London from the scum of the earth, and to befriend all the locals.
Rita’s Mum is introduced to Roddy by Rita and is shocked by his appearance.
She then compliments him during his visits.
WHITEY/HAROLD/RITA’S DAD
Whitey is a quaternary antagonist in Flushed Away. He was one of the Toad's
henchrats and, despite his intimidating exterior, Whitey is in fact courteous, to
the point he forgets which side he is on.
Harold is an apocalyptist who’s every thought is devoted to, what he seems to
think will be, the end of Lower London.
Rita’s Dad is a man of honour and pride, unwilling to give up Roddy for
payment, despite his son's attempts to persuade him.
Flushed Away: The Musical 5

PRE-RECORDED CHARACTERS
COMMENTATOR
The commentator for the football World Cup
TABITHA
She is Roddy’s owner, and is from a high-class society, with rich parents.
PARENTS
Tabitha’s parents are rich beyond belief, and bought Tabitha Roddy to keep her
occupied
SLUGS
The Slugs are characters and supporting protagonists in Flushed Away. They
are harmless slugs who enjoy singing and dancing. They constantly scream and
sing and come in all different colours, shapes and sizes.
Flushed Away: The Musical 6

SONG LIST

ACT ONE
#1 - Overture
#2 - Life Of The Highbrow
Sung by: RODDY
#3 - From The Sewers (Pre-Reprise)
Sung by: SID, RODDY
#4 - In The Sewers
Sung by: SLUGS, ENSEMBLE
#5 - The Jammy Dodger
#6 - Toads Regal Reveal
Sung by: RITA, RODDY, TOAD
#7 - The Crown Jewels/The Escape
Sung by: TOAD, RODDY, SPIKE, WHITEY, RITA
#8 - Overboard
Sung by: RITA
#9 - La Revanche Du Vert
Sung by: FULL CAST

ACT TWO
#1 - Life In The Sky
Sung by: RITA, RODDY
#2 - Bonjour!
#3 - Au Revoir!
#4 - Back To The Sewers
Sung by: RODDY, SID
#5 - In The Sewers (Reprise)/Finale
Sung by: FULL CAST
Flushed Away: The Musical 7

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

#1 - Overture

(Taxi horn)
PARENT ONE
Car’s here!
PARENT TWO
It’s nine o’ clock already! We’re going to miss our flight!
PARENT ONE
Tabitha, did you feed Roddy?
TABITHA
Oops. Roddy, where are you?
(Opens a cage door)
We’ll be back in a few days, so here’s enough food for you.
(She pours some food into a bowl)
Here’s a little more.
(She pours the rest of the food into the bowl)
PARENT 2
I hope you’re not overfeeding him.
TABITHA
Of course not, Mum. Bye, Roddy.
(They leave, closing the front door behind them. RODDY emerges
from his golden cage and begins to sing, whilst strutting around the
house)

#2 – The Life of the Highbrow

RODDY
WHEN THE CAT’S AWAY, THE MICE WILL PLAY
THE HOLIDAY STARTS RIGHT NOW
COME ON EVERYBODY, IT’S OUR HOUSE TODAY
THIS IS THE LIFE OF THE HIGHBROW
Flushed Away: The Musical 8

ANOTHER NEW DAY, ANOTHER NEW PAGE

ME, MY GIRLS, AND MY GOLDEN CAGE
MY HEAD IS SPINNING, THINKING WHAT CAN WE DO NOW?

VOLLEYBALL IN THE AFTERNOON

FOLLOWED BY A DIP IN THE SWIMMING POOL
WATER POLO WITH MY FRIENDS
THE SUMMER FUN, IT NEVER ENDS

WHEN THE CAT’S AWAY, THE MICE WILL PLAY

THE HOLIDAY’S STARTED NOW
COME ON EVERYBODY, LETS GO TO THE PARTY!
THIS IS THE LIFE OF THE HIGHBROW

RACE CAR DRIVING, ROLLER SKATING,

POKER, TENNIS, MEDITATING,
PUT ON A FASHION SHOW
CHESS, DARTS, MARTIAL ARTS,
KNIT MYSELF ANOTHER SCARF,
DANCE TO MY STEREO,
LIGHT READING, DAYDREAMING,
THEN SOME INDOOR TRAMPOLINING,
MAKING A CRÊME BRULEÉ,
GUESS WHO? TOILET BREAK,
TAKING BRENDA ON A DATE,
MAKE MYSELF OUT OF CLAY,
RUBIX CUBE, WATER FIGHT,
WONDER IF THERE’S MORE TO LIFE,
Flushed Away: The Musical 9

DINNER AT HALF PAST TEN,

POPCORN, FILM PREMIERE,
SWINGING FROM THE CHANDELIER,
AND THEN DOING IT ALL AGAIN!
AND THEN WE’LL DO IT ALL AGAIN!
(Spoken)
Are you having a nice night, darling?
(RODDY waits for a response from the doll sat opposite. And then,
as if accepting a compliment…)
Thank you.
(Sung)
I GUESS SOMETIME IT GETS LONELY
JUST BEING HERE ON MY OWN YOU SEE
ANOTHER NEW DAY, SAME ROUTINE,
BUT THAT’S A PERK OF BEING FREE
AND THEN WE’LL DO IT ALL AGAIN
AND THEN WE’LL DO IT ALL AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN,
AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN
AND THEN WE’LL DO IT ALL AGAIN
(Song ends)
Goodnight!
(RODDY’S voice echoes around the empty house. He tucks himself
into bed, and falls asleep)
Flushed Away: The Musical 10

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO

#3 – From The Sewer (pre-reprise)

(RODDY is suddenly awaken by a loud rumble. He gasps)

RODDY
What was that?
(He looks around)
Who’s there?
(There is another rumble. RODDY climbs out of bed, and starts
looking for where the noise could have come from. With another,
gurgle, SID is expelled from out of the sink, into the air. He lands)

SID
(Spoken)
Ha! They do not, I repeat not, have food like this in Lower London!
(Sung)
OH, I AM NEVER GOING BACK TO THE SEWERS
LOWER LONDON’S GREAT
BUT THERE, YOU WON’T BE FINDING CHOCOLATE CAKE!
IN THE SEWERS, TROUBLE’S NEVER FAR,
YOU WON’T SEE “HARROD’S OWN CAVIAR”
RODDY
(Spoken)
Not the caviar!
SID
Jackpot!
(Sung)
COCO POPS AND CHICKEN WINGS AND CHIPS GALORE
SAUSAGES ARE WAITING IN THE FRIDGE, I’M SURE.
THIS LOT MUST BE TREATED LIKE ROYALTY,
I’M NEVER GOING HOME THIS IS THE LIFE FOR ME!
Flushed Away: The Musical 11

(Spoken)
RODDY
Perhaps Sir would care to take a whirl in the Jacuzzi.
SID
A Jacuzzi?
RODDY
Hmm.
(RODDY walks SID to the bathroom, and they stand on the toilet
seat)

SID
You know what you are? You’re a real gent.
RODDY
Well, after a hot day of navigating sewer pipes, there’s nothing better than
relaxing in a Jacuzzi whirlpool bath.
SID
That looks so inviting.
RODDY
Yes, yes. The water looks perfect! Now, you hop in, and I’ll press this lever to
get the bubbles going.
SID
Right. In we go!
(SID starts to jump in the toilet, but he stops)
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know we got off on the wrong foot before, but
I think we’re going to get along, don’t you?
RODDY
Swimmingly.
SID
Be seeing you, my friend.
(SID pushes RODDY into the toilet)
You think I don’t know a toilet when I see one?
RODDY
No, no, no! It’s a big Jacuzzi! Deluxe model!
SID
Then you won’t mind if I get the bubbles going, will you?
RODDY
No! Not the lever! Have mercy! No, I can’t swim!
Flushed Away: The Musical 12

SID
Bon voyage, me old cream cracker!
(SID flushes RODDY down the toilet. RODDY swims frantically
through the sewers. Amid all the panic, a GOLDFISH appears)
GOLDFISH
Have you seen my dad?
(RODDY continues to get thrown about the sewers, hitting various
pieces of junk that have been flushed down the sewer. Eventually,
the rush of the water grows louder, and RODDY is thrown out of a
pipe, and lands on the ground)
(Song ends)
Flushed Away: The Musical 13

ACT ONE, SCENE THREE

RODDY
I’m in the sewer! No! Hello?
(It echoes through the sewer)
Help?
(It echoes through the sewer)
I’m going to open my eyes and be home. This is all a bad dream.
(RODDY closes his eyes, and then opens them again and wails at
his surroundings)
Oh, I’m not home! I want to go home! Pull yourself together! I can’t. I’m
frightened. Stop it, stop it, stop it! All right, Roddy old man, you can get
yourself out of here, and you will. Never forget the blood of the courageous St.
James Clan flows through your veins-
(RODDY turns his head and comes face to face with a SLUG)
SLUGS
Aahhh!
RODDY
Aahhh!
SLUGS
Aahhh!
RODDY
Aahhh!

#4 – In The Sewer

SLUG 1
ALRIGHT POSH BOY, LISTEN UP
FORGET WHERE YOU CAME FROM, YOU’RE ONE OF US.
SLUG 2
HE THINKS HE’S FALLEN FROM THE CREAM OF THE CROP,
SLUG 3
WELL, YOU WON'T LIVE A LIFE LIKE THIS UP TOP
 Flushed Away: The Musical 14

SLUG 1
WELCOME, RODDY, FEEL FREE TO ROAM,
YOU’LL FEEL LIKE A TRUE, FREE RAT IN
SLUG 1, 2 & 3
YOUR BRAND-NEW HOME!
(RODDY steps through a door into Lower London. He
unknowingly steps into oncoming traffic. A car horn honks)

COLLIN
(Spoken)
Oi!
HAROLD
The Great Flood! We’re doomed!
FLY LADY
Feed the flies, tuppence a bag!

HAROLD, COLLIN & FLY LADY ENSEMBLE

HEY! IN THE SEWERS
LIFE COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE
WE SCURRY AROUND BENEATH THE
EARTH
IN THE SEWERS
RATS AND MICE TOGETHER
WE HATE THEM SKY RATS,
BUT WE’RE BIRDS OF A FEATHER
ENSEMBLE
RATS OF ALL AGES, SHAPES, AND SIZE
WE MAY NOT BE SMART, BUT WE IS WISE
WE WELCOME ANYONE FROM ANYWHERE,
AS LONG AS YOU’RE A RODENT, WE DON’T CARE!
 Flushed Away: The Musical 15

HAROLD, COLLIN & FLY LADY RITA’S GRANDMA

HEY! IN THE SEWERS
WE ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME
LIAM
SNACKING ON FLEAS AND CHEESE
AND BRINE
SHOCKY
IN THE SEWERS,
OUR ANCESTORS WERE ALL
ACCUSED,
BUT WHEN THEY GOT BOILS,
ENSEMBLE GUESS WHO HAD TO LOSE?
WORLD CUP’S COMING UP,
SUPPORTING THE NATION!
SOUTHGATE BETTER PICK THE
RIGHT FORMATION! SPIKE & WHITEY
LIVING IN OUR CITY, AND WE OGGY, OGGY, OGGY? OI, OI OI!
HAVEN’T GOT A CARE!
CHANCES LIKE THIS ONE, ARE
VERY, VERY RARE!
RATS FROM ANYWHERE, ANY
PLACE, ANY TIME,
ALL GATHER TO HEAR THE FULL
TIME WHISTLE CHIME
WE WELCOME ANYONE FROM
ANYWHERE,
AS LONG AS YOU’RE A RODENT WE
DON’T CARE!
(Song ends)
Flushed Away: The Musical 16

HAROLD
(To RODDY)
The Great Flood! Those floodgates won’t hold forever, you know! We’re
doomed! You think you can back away from the truth?
(COLLIN approaches HAROLD and RODDY)
COLLIN
‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello. What’s all this then?
RODDY
Oh, thank heavens! A policeman! This whacko has been screaming at me-
COLLIN
‘Morning, Harold.
HAROLD
‘Morning, Collin. How are you?
COLLIN
Can’t complain.
HAROLD
Keep an eye on this one. He’s a bit of a loony.
RODDY
What? Me?
HAROLD
We’re doomed, I tell you!
(HAROLD runs off, his hands waving in the air)
RODDY
Are you kidding me?
COLLIN
Right. Let’s give you a police escort home, then-
RODDY
Oh, great! Uh, I live in Kensington. Up there. The surface.
COLLIN
Up Top? You’re trying to get Up Top?
RODDY
Yes.
COLLIN
There’s one person ‘round here might be able to help you. Might.
RODDY
Really?
Flushed Away: The Musical 17

COLLIN
Shady rat. The captain of the Jammy Dodger. If you can find it.
(RODDY stares at COLLIN, bewildered. COLLIN sighs and points
across to the Jammy Dodger, sitting in the dock. RODDY
approaches the ship cautiously)

#5 – The Jammy Dodger

RODDY
Hello? Uh, permission to come aboard?
(RODDY attempts to gain the attention of the shadow clad figure in
the crow’s nest. With no response, RODDY awkwardly scrambles
aboard the Jammy Dodger)
Ahoy there? Uh… I didn’t mean to intrude, Mr. Captain… Skipper… Thingy.
(RITA jumps down from the crow’s nest and threatens RODDY
with a wrench)
RITA
Hey! That’s Miss Captain Skipper Thingy to you.
RODDY
Oops.
RITA
What are you doing on my boat?
(RITA turns the boat lights on)
RODDY
Look, I’ve had a really bad day and I just need your help. You see, I’ve been
thrown out of my own home, flushed down my own toilet.
RITA
Yeah, thank you, too much information. I’ve got my own problems, mate.
SPIKE
(Off-stage)
She’s around here somewhere!
RITA
Stay down. And keep quiet.
(RITA turns off the boat lights)
RODDY
Why? Who are we hiding from?
RITA
Flushed Away: The Musical 18

I said quiet! There’s rats after me who’d very much like to kill me.
RODDY
All right, all right. Quiet as a mouse.
(RODDY leans on a lever, blaring the horn for all Lower London
to hear)
SPIKE
Over there!
RITA
You idiot!
RODDY
Sorry about that.
(WHITEY appears and grabs RODDY and RITA by the scruff of
their neck, all while sporting a comforting grin)
RITA
Let me go, you pink-eyed freak!
(RITA kicks WHITEY)
WHITEY
I’m upset now.
RODDY
Whatever’s going on here, I assure you I am not involved.
(Yelling)
I’m an innocent bystander!
SPIKE
Rita, Rita, Rita.
(SPIKE and WHITEY cackle at RODDY and RITA)
You thought you could give us the slip. Who have we got here?
WHITEY
I believe he said his name was Millicent Bystander.
SPIKE
(Snorting)
Millicent!
RODDY
Actually, no.
SPIKE
Now, then, where’s the ruby, Rita?
WHITEY
The boss wants it back.
Flushed Away: The Musical 19

RITA
I don’t have your stupid ruby.
SPIKE
Okay, are we going to do this the easy way, or the hard way?
WHITEY
Oh, I think we should do it the easy way. Don’t you, Spike?
SPIKE
Oh. Right! Rip it up, lads!
RITA
Hey, you get your fluffy paws off my stuff!
(SPIKE and WHITEY both laugh)
SPIKE
It’s in here somewhere. I can feel it in me guts!
WHITEY
That’ll be last night’s curry. I’m the same. I got a bum like the Japanese flag.
RODDY
Will you please tell these people I’m not involved in this?
RITA
Fine. Alright, alright, listen up.
(SPIKE and WHITEY both turn to listen)
This gentleman, he’s not from around here. Just look how nicely he’s dressed.
RODDY
Oh, thank you.
RITA
And why? Because he’s an international jewel thief!
RODDY
Precisely. What? No, no!
RITA
He stole the ruby from me! And if you just-
RODDY
No! No, she’s lying!
SPIKE
Alright, alright! It’s time to bring out the Persuader.
(WHITEY brings forth a nutcracker. SPIKE places a nut in its
mouth, and they crack it down. The nut obliterates, and RODDY
and RITA gasp)
Flushed Away: The Musical 20

Your choice, mate. You can talk now, or you can talk later. Ain’t that right,
Persuader?
(SPIKE manipulates the Persuaders mouth, in a marionette
Fashion)
Yeah, in a much higher voice!
WHITEY
The Persuader’s alive, Spike!
SPIKE
You’ll be singing like a tea kettle.
RODDY
I don’t even know her! I don’t know anything about anything!
(RODDY notices a lump in RITA’s back pocket)
I know where it is!

SPIKE
Come on then, spit it out!
RITA
Don’t you dare!
RODDY
Look at her bottom, is it me, or is it oddly shaped?
RITA
You little snitch.
WHITEY
The booty’s in the booty.
(SPIKE grabs the ruby from RITA’s pocket. Laughing)
SPIKE
Thanks, mate! The boss is gonna be so happy with us!
RITA
You’re toast.
WHITEY
So, you're from Up Top, eh? I used to work in a laboratory Up Top. Yeah. Big
shampoo job. I was dark grey when we started. Yeah. Still, it cleared up me
dandruff.
(WHITEY chuckles)
You remind me of the boss Millicent, I think he’d like you.
Flushed Away: The Musical 21

ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR

FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR:
The World Cup has become the most popular sporting event in the world.
(There is an ominous silhouette of a large throne sat in front of a
large TV screen. A hand clutching a remote reaches out and turns
off the TV. SPIKE and WHITEY enter, holding RODDY and RITA)
SPIKE
Are you there, boss? We're back. I've got it, boss. The ruby. I found it.
WHITEY
Well, technically, Spike, it was Millicent that found it.

#6– Toad’s Regal Reveal

RODDY
Um, actually, the name's Roddy. Uh, in exchange for my assistance, I was
hoping you might help me out of the pickle I'm in.
(TOAD swivels around the chair to reveal his large green face.
RODDY yells)
TOAD
Hello, Rita.
RITA
Hello, handsome.
TOAD
And who is this? Is your boyfriend a waiter?
RODDY RITA
Waiter? Boyfriend?
(SPIKE takes the ruby over to TOAD)
TOAD
The prize returns to me. Did you imagine I’d let you steal it from me?
RITA
What? That jewel belongs to my father, and you know it!
TOAD
Your father? A good-for-nothing scavenger, just like his daughter. Dispose of
them.
(WHITEY and SPIKE approach RODDY and RITA)
Flushed Away: The Musical 22

RODDY
No, no, no please! I just want to get home to Kensington!
TOAD
(TOAD gasps)
Kensington? The Royal Borough? Up Top?
RODDY
Uh, yes. Up Top.
TOAD
Huzzah! A man of quality!

#7 – The Crown Jewels/The Escape

TOAD (CONT.)

A MAN OF QUALITY IS RARE AROUND HERE

SO COME, TAKE A SNEAK PEEK AT MY SOUVENIRS
SEE HOW THEY’RE REGAL, THEY GLISTEN AND SHINE
THEY REMIND ME OF MYSELF IN MY PRIME
YOU AND ME RODDY, WE’RE CREAM OF THE CROP
UNLIKE THESE VERMIN, WE CAME FROM UP TOP
WE WERE MADE FOR MUCH FINER THINGS
YOU AND I WERE MEANT TO BE KINGS
(Spoken)
Come, see my collection. I’m sure you’ll find it diverting.

ONE OF MY FIRST, QUEEN VICTORIA’S BUST

THESE JUBILEE FLIP FLOPS, THIS PAIR WERE A MUST
PRINCE HARRYS HANKY, YOU KNOW THE GINGER
WHITEY
I LIKE THE SAUSAGES
TOAD
THATS CHARLES’ FINGER
Flushed Away: The Musical 23

A PORTRAIT OF DI, FOR WHEN I REMINISCE

HER STORY IS TRAGIC-
WHITEY
I THINK IT WAS LIZ
TOAD
MY COLLECTION OF THIMBLES AND MEMORIAL PLATES
RIGHT THIS WAY RODDY, THE CROWN JEWEL AWAITS
(Spoken)
RODDY
Well, I’d love to see the rest of your collection. This is all rather amusing, but I-
TOAD
Amusing? I said you’d find it diverting, not amusing.
(Sung)
RODDY
WAIT, DID I SAY AMUSING, THIS IS ALL RATHER CONFUSING,
AND WITH ALL OF YOUR ACCUSING, WE HAVE GONE OFF
TRACK
SO, IF YOU’D CARE TO AID ME, THERE’S NO NEED TO
SERENADE ME, I WOULD STAY BUT I’M AFRAID I SHOULD BE
GETTING BACK-
(RODDY bumps into TOAD’s collection, sending his prized
valuables crashing to the floor)
WHITEY
Ah, well at least you’ve still got the-
(As TOAD approaches RODDY, RODDY bumps into another
treasure, sending it to the floor, shattering on impact)
WHITEY
Thank God, he didn’t touch the plates-
Flushed Away: The Musical 24

(As WHITEY finishes his line, a plate falls onto the floor, delaying
its fate and wobbling in circles. They all take a deep breath in. It
stops wobbling, they sigh, and RODDY leans on the podium in
relief, sending the plate flying to the ground. He looks up
sheepishly)
TOAD
(Spoken)
Getting back? My dear boy…
(Sung)
TOAD RODDY & RITA___
BEFORE YOU TRY TO TRICK
ME, I’LL PRESERVE YOU LIKE
WALT DISNEY IN MY CABINET
OF FROZEN SOUVENIRS IS THAT A FRIDGE?
IF THEY DON’T BECOME MY
HENCHMEN,
THEY WILL FREEZE IN MY
COLLECTION,
OF THE FOES THAT I HAVE
VANQUISHED THROUGH THE
YEARS
SPIKE & WHITEY
GET THEM BOSS!

TOAD
Time to meet your maker… your ice maker!
WHITEY
Makes me laugh every time that one.
(SPIKE AND WHITEY throw RODDY and RITA into the freezer,
and step inside, closing the door behind them)
RODDY
Liquid nitrogen! That will freeze us instantly!
Flushed Away: The Musical 25

RITA
(In a hushed tone)
There's a paperclip in my back pocket. See if you can get it… in the pocket, in
the pocket! Hand it to me, I’ll try and pick the lock.
(TOAD is waiting outside of the freezer, smugly)
TOAD
Now, let me see the latest addition to my cubist collection.
(The freezer lights turn off, and powers down)
What’s happened to the freezer?
(RITA and RODDY are stood on top of the freezer)
RITA
Oi, Kermit!
(RITA runs down and grabs the master cable and the Ruby from
the desk)
TOAD
What? No! The master cable!
RITA
The prize returns to me!
(RITA kisses the ruby)
You big, fat, slimy airbag!
TOAD
No!
(Song ends)
Flushed Away: The Musical 26

ACT ONE, SCENE 5

(RODDY and RITA are on the Jammy Dodger. RITA is at the stern
of the boat, looking smug. RODDY is playing with the ruby)
RITA
Right, stop mucking around with my ruby.
RODDY
(Teasing)
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
RITA
Please be careful. That ruby means a lot to me. It’s priceless.
RODDY
I’ll give it back if you help me-
(RODDY inspects the ruby)
Hold on. It’s a fake.
RITA
(Chuckling)
No, it’s blooming not. It’s real!
RODDY
No, no, no, look, it’s just glass!
RITA
It’s real!
RODDY
Fake.
RITA
Real!
RODDY
Fake.
RITA
Real!
RODDY
Fake.
RITA
Real!
RODDY
Fake.
RITA
Real!
Flushed Away: The Musical 27

RODDY
Look, look, look. You can tell. Watch this.
(RODDY smashes the ruby on the side of the boat. RITA shrieks,
and looks down at the pieces of ruby sinking in the water)
There, you see? You can’t break a real ruby.
(RODDY glances at RITA, who is seething with rage)
Right. I probably shouldn’t have done that. But look on the bright side. I saved
your neck. Once the Toad knows it’s worthless, he’ll stop chasing you for it.
Roddy St. James saves the day.
(RITA punches RODDY. He falls dramatically)
RODDY
You try to do somebody a favour, and they-
RITA
A favour? That ruby was from Queen Elizabeth’s crown! It fell down the drain
of Buckingham Palace!
RODDY
Well, maybe the Queen wears fake jewellery.
(RITA gives RODDY a threatening glance)
Can we just talk about this?

#8– Overboard

RITA
DAD AND I HAVE WORKED THESE DRAINS FOR YEARS,
DAY AND NIGHT BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT IT’S LIKE BARELY SCRAPING BY.
THERE ARE BILLS TO BE PAID AND ALL SIX MOUTHS TO FEED
EVERYDAY, IT’S MY RESPONSIBILITY
IT’S ALL UP TO ME

‘CAUSE HE BROKE EVERY BONE

TRYING TO BRING THE RUBY HOME
AND CHANGE OUR LIVES
Flushed Away: The Musical 28

THEN YOU APPEARED, AND IT ALL WENT DOWN THE DRAIN.

ALL THE WORK WE’VE DONE, IT’S ALL IN VAIN
YOU SHOULD’VE SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LET ME BE
YOU WALTZ ON BOARD AS IF YOU OWN THE PLACE
THERE’S NOT A THOUGHT BEHIND YOUR STUPID FACE
“A MAN OF QUALITY” INDEED

YOU THREW ALL MY DREAMS, OVERBOARD WITH THE RUBY

RODDY
JUST LET ME TRY
(Spoken)
RITA
Get stuffed, Roddy.
RODDY
No, no, no. I mean it. We can help each other. Back at my place, we’ve got a
jewellery box crammed with rubies and diamonds. So, all you have to do is get
me home to Kensington, and I’ll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
(RITA looks unknowingly at RODDY)
Deal?
RITA
(RITA spits on her hand, and gestures for RODDY to do the same.
He follows her orders, spitting on his hand)
Deal.
(RODDY and RITA shake hands. Song ends)
Flushed Away: The Musical 29

ACT ONE, SCENE SIX

TOAD
Where are those idiots? It's so hard to get good help these days, my boys. Yep,
that's right. Oh, come on out, my lovelies. Cheer your little dad up.
(TOAD pulls a lever that raises a curtain, revealing thousands of
tadpole children, swimming round in a recycled milk jug. He
speaks to them in a baby voice)
Poor Daddy, surrounded by filthy rats in this joyless, sunless void! But don't
worry, little men. Daddy will get rid of them all! He will. They'll all be deady-
weady.
(TOAD gives the jug a huge kiss. SPIKE and WHITEY enter)
TOAD
(Still in his baby voice)
Did you find it?
SPIKE & WHITEY
Huh?
TOAD
(Clears his throat)
Argh! Did you find it?
SPIKE
Ah, well, we got most of it, boss.
(WHITEY holds out fragments of the ruby in his hands)
TOAD
Forget the ruby! It’s the master cable that I want. The one that Rita took.
SPIKE & WHITEY
Oh!
TOAD
Without it, my plan is ruined!
SPIKE
Okay, chief. Yeah. Forget the ruby. Ruby’s gone.
(SPIKE smacks the ruby remains out of WHITEY’s hands)
Moving on, we are your cable guys.
WHITEY
Focused. Cable-centric, boss.
TOAD
You need to be back in time for the World Cup final.
SPIKE
Flushed Away: The Musical 30

Oh! Are we watching the game together, Boss?

TOAD
It’s obvious I should never have sent rodents to do an important job.
(SPIKE and WHITEY sulk off)
Where is my cousin? Why is he always late?
LÉ FROG
(Entering with accompanying karate moves to each word)
En garde! Droit! Parry! Thrust!
TOAD
Lé Frog!
LÉ FROG
Bonjour.
TOAD
You’re late, Lé Frog.
LÉ FROG
Fashionably late, my annoying English cousin. I know no other way.
TOAD
Now listen. Rita and her new accomplice have stolen something irreplaceable.
(SPIKE and WHITE enter carrying a cable displaying an Android
symbol)
SPIKE
It’s all right, boss! We’ve found another one! There was loads of them in the
bin!
(SPIKE and WHITEY force the cable into the plug, and
electrocutes them both)
TOAD
A master cable of unique design and purpose. I want it back.

#9 – La Revanche Du Vert

LÉ FROG
Don’t worry. I’ll get it back for you. I’ll make sure of it.
TOAD
Once it is returned, my plan will be complete. To wash away, once and for all,
the curse, the scourge of rats!
ME AND PRINCE CHARLES WERE TWO PEAS IN A POD
Flushed Away: The Musical 31

LÉ FROG
I KNOW OF THIS STORY, YOU TELL IT A LOT

TOAD
(Spoken)
Shh!
(Sung)
I WAS A GIFT TO HIM ON CHRISTMAS DAY
BUT HE THOUGHT I WAS BORING
TOAD LÉ FROG
AND HE FLUSHED ME AWAY AND HE FLUSHED YOU AWAY
LÉ FROG
I’M TELLING YOU COUSIN YOU’VE GONE WAY TOO FAR
IT’S TIME TO LET GO OF YOUR PAST TRAUMAS
TOAD
IF YOU HELP ME, LÉ FROG, THE GREEN ONES WILL RISE
AT THE WORLD CUP FINAL, I’LL TAKE WHAT IS MINE
AT HALF TIME, UP TOP, THEY’LL GO TO THE TOILET
AND HERE IS THE PLAN
LÉ FROG
NO! DON’T TELL ME, YOU’LL SPOIL IT!
TOAD
THEY’LL FLUSH ALL AT ONCE AND THE SEWAGE WILL GROW
THOSE FLOODGATES WON’T HOLD FOREVER YOU KNOW
WE’LL OPEN THE DOORS, AND WIPE THEM ALL OUT
GET RID OF THE SCUM, THE MUCK, THE GROUT!
THE FLOOD WILL ARRIVE, AND WIPE THEM AWAY
TOAD WILL FINALLY HAVE HIS DAY!
FROGS
THE GREENS WILL RISE AND REIGN SUPREME
Flushed Away: The Musical 32

THE RATS WIPED OUT, AND THE SLATE WIPED CLEAN

LÉ FROG
LA REVANCHE DU VERT!
FROGS
THE FLOOD WILL ARRIVE AND FLUSH THEM AWAY
TOAD WILL FINALLY HAVE HIS DAY!
FROGS RITA
THE GREENS WILL RISE AND ‘CAUSE HE BROKE EVERY
REIGN SUPREME BONE,
THE RATS WIPED OUT, AND TRYING TO BRING THE RUBY
THE SLATE WIPED CLEAN HOME
THE FLOOD WILL ARRIVE AND CHANGE OUR LIVES
AND FLUSH THEM AWAY LÉ FROG
TOAD WILL FINALLY HAVE LA REVANCHE DU VERT!
HIS DAY!
RATS RODDY
IN THE SEWERS, LIFE COULD WHEN THE CAT’S AWAY,
BE SO MUCH WORSE THE MICE WILL PLAY,
WE SCURRY AROUND MY TASK HAS STARTED NOW,
BENEATH THE EARTH GOT TO GET BACK TO
IN THE SEWERS, RATS AND KENSINGTON,
MICE TOGETHER BACK TO THE LIFE OF THE
WE HATE THE SKY RATS HIGHBROW!
BUT WE’RE BIRDS OF A
FEATHER
ALL
AND CHANGE OUR LIVES!
(Song ends. Blackout. End of Act One)
Flushed Away: The Musical 33

ACT TWO, SCENE ONE

(The curtain opens with a horde of hectic pups running aloof
around the stage. RODDY and RITA enter, and arrive to the front
door)
RODDY
Are you sure we should be stopping with all these goons on our tail?
(RITA sighs and opens the door)
PUPS & RITA’S MUM
Rita!
RITA
Mum! Oh, Mum.
RITA’S MUM
Thank goodness you’re safe!
RITA’S DAD
Rita!
RITA
Hello, Dad.
RITA’S DAD
Give us a hug, girl!
(RITA embraces her DAD. RODDY looks on through the window
in longing)
LIAM
Mum, why is there a peeping Tom outside?
RITA’S GRANDMA
A Tom? Oh! It’s Tom Jones!
RITA’S MUM
Mother, it’s not Tom Jones.
RITA
That’s just my… passenger.
RITA’S MUM
He’s very good looking.
RITA’S GRANDMOTHER
Hands off, he’s mine!
(RITA’S GRANDMOTHER grabs RODDY and pulls him in for a
kiss. He manages to avoid it, and heads inside)
RITA
I told you not to come in.
Flushed Away: The Musical 34

RITA’S DAD
So, are you gonna make an honest woman of my daughter?
RITA
Dad!
RODDY
We were sort of thinking of a spring wedding weren’t we, cream puff?
RITA
Look, I just want all of you to know he’s-
(RITA sighs)
LIAM
So, your name is “Roddy”, is that right?
RODDY
Yes, that’s right. Roddy St. James.
RITA’S MUM
What a beautiful name.
(RITA’S GRANDMA snarls at RITA’S MUM)
RODDY
(To SHOCKY)
And who might you be, little chap?
SHOCKY
My parents call me “Shocky”.
RODDY
And why do they call you that?
SHOCKY
(SHOCKY takes out two spark plugs and electrocutes RODDY)
Shocky!
RODDY
Ah! Got it!
RITA’S DAD
(To RITA)
Rita, where are you taking that handsome young man, then?
RITA
Well, actually, that’s why I’m here, Dad. Because he’s from…
(RITA clears her throat)
Up Top.
RITA’S DAD
Kitchen. Now.
Flushed Away: The Musical 35

(RITA and RITA’S DAD exit into the kitchen)

RITA
Dad, I know it’s risky-
RITA’S DAD
It’s impossible, Rita. No rat has ever got past the rapids at Hyde Park.
RITA
Dad, Dad! He’s gonna pay us!
RITA’S DAD
For the last time, we don’t need the money!
(The floorboards break and the oven falls through, splashing into
the water)
But I guess a new oven could be nice?
(Back in the living room)
RITA’S GRANDMA
Sing us a song, Tom!
(RODDY grabs a guitar from the table and plays á la Tom Jones)
RODDY
TALKIN’ ABOUT THE LITTLE LADY
RITA’S GRANDMA
Go, Tom, Go!
RODDY
SHE’S A LITTLE OL’ LADY,
TALKIN’ ABOUT THAT OLD LADY
(RITA’S GRANDMA flings her underwear at RODDY)
AND THE LADY WEARS BIG UNDIES!
HUGE OL’ UNDIES! WOO!
LIAM
Psst! Rita!
(RITA walks over to LIAM who has disguised himself in a plant
pot)

This bloke isn’t who he says he is. His real name is Millicent Bystander, an
international jewel thief. A mastermind, a super-criminal. Looks like he crossed
The Toad and got away with it. He's a dangerous man, but I'm a thinker. I've got
a plan.
Flushed Away: The Musical 36

RITA’S GRANDMA
More! More! That was brilliant!
RODDY
Oh, it was nothing.
(RODDY kisses the guitar, and gives it to RITA’S GRANDMA)
RITA’S MUM
So, you're from Up Top?
RODDY
Yes.
RITA’S MUM
I've met one of your lot before.
RODDY
Oh, really?
RITA’S MUM
Used to be some old lady's pet.
RODDY
That's nice.
RITA’S MUM
Terribly lonely for him, though. He had no one to talk to.
RITA’S GRANDMA
No one to cuddle with!
(RITA’S GRANDMA hugs RODDY tightly)
SHOCKY
No one to Shocky!
RITA’S MUM
Well, it’s no life, is it? Oh, I better get started on the dishes.
RODDY
Oh, please, permit me.
RITA’S MUM
Oh, you’re such a gentleman!
(RODDY goes to head into the kitchen but hears RITA, LIAM, and
RITA’S DAD talking. RODDY stops and listens)
RITA
Good one, Liam. So, you’re saying I hand Roddy over to the Toad and claim the
reward. Then we’re all sitting pretty for the rest of our lives. Is that the idea?
(RODDY leaves, distraught)
Flushed Away: The Musical 37

LIAM
The Toad will pay a fortune for him. He’s a bad nut anyway, so that’s alright,
isn’t it?
RITA’S DAD
Oh, you cheeky little thing. I won’t have any son of mine acting the rat.
RITA
We Malones never go back on our word.
LIAM
He’s gonna steal your boat.
RITA
He won’t steal my boat.
LIAM
He’s stealing your boat.
(We see RODDY climbing aboard the Jammy Dodger)
RITA
He isn’t stealing my – what?
LIAM
He’s like Robin Hood in reverse.
(RITA races out to find RODDY scrambling around the boat,
clearly looking for a getaway)
RITA
Oi! I thought we had a deal!
RODDY
So did I!
(RODDY pulls a lever)
Just start, you worthless old pile of rubbish! You useless, unreliable-
(RITA jumps on the boat)
RITA
Untrustworthy, double-crossing, two-faced, conniving little toe-rag!
RODDY
Ha! Ha! Oh! So, I’m the double crosser? Oh yes, that’s rich! I overheard
everything. Yes! You and your family were gonna sell me to the Toad!

RITA
What? You dipstick! That was my stupid little brother’s plan. And no one ever
listens to him.
Flushed Away: The Musical 38

RODDY
Ah, must have missed that part.
RITA
How could you think I’d sell you out? When I make a deal, it’s a deal.
RODDY
Oh, God. Rita, look, I’m sorry, alright? I was wrong. I think we should just put
it behind us.
(RITA pushes RODDY off the boat. RODDY lands next to RITA’s
GRANDMA who hugs his leg and giggles)
RITA
This is what you get. Sneaking around, eavesdropping on other people’s
conversations.
RODDY
I was not sneaking around.
RITA
Right.
RODDY
I say, you can’t really intend to just strand me like this. You’re not that
heartless.
(RITA looks RODDY directly in the eyes, and starts the engine)
Okay, maybe you are. Look, if you’re trying to teach me a lesson, consider it
taught! I’m begging!
(RODDY grabs the guitar from RITA’S GRANDMAS clutches, and
starts strumming)
ICE COLD RITA, NEVER DID I MEET A
GIRL WHO’S HALF SO CRUEL
I OFFERED HER A JEWEL, BUT SHE LEFT ME STUCK
STRANDED ON A DUCK, WHAT A SHODDY THING
TO DO TO RODDY. ME.
THAT’S RODDY ST. JAMES OF KENSINGTON
RITA’S GRANDMA
Oh, well done Tom!
(RODDY looks to RITA, and spits on his hand. She smiles, and
spits on her hand. She clasps hands with RODDY and helps him
back on board)
Flushed Away: The Musical 39

RODDY
Am I forgiven?
RITA
No. I was just afraid you’d sing another verse.
RODDY
Rita, I wasn’t eavesdropping, I swear to you.
RITA
Oh, really? What were you doing then, Roddy?
RODDY
Well, I was actually, uh, just watching you with your family, and thinking how
lucky you were.
RITA
Lucky? Stuck with you?
RODDY
So, our deal’s still on?
RODDY
Look, I really want to help out more around here. Just give me a job. Anything,
engineer, navigator. I could drive for a bit if you like.
RITA
In your dreams.
Flushed Away: The Musical 40

ACT TWO, SCENE TWO

(SPIKE and WHITEY are in TOAD’s lair, brainstorming)
SPIKE
Where are they hiding? Think. Think.
WHITEY
To find a rat, you’ve got to think like a rat.
LÉ FROG
Hey, rodents. I’ve had a tip off. They’re heading to West Kensington.
SPIKE
Bingo!
WHITEY
Monopoly!
(SPIKE and WHITEY chuckle)
LÉ FROG
Enough games. I will handle this myself.
WHITEY
Oops.
Flushed Away: The Musical 41

ACT TWO, SCENE THREE

(RODDY and RITA are sat on the Jammy Dodger eating meals out
of bottle caps, using drawing pins as cutlery)
RITA
Mmm. This is actually quite tasty.
RODDY
Thanks. I don’t think it’s too bad, considering I only had a slice of apple, six
raisins, and some… Aldi’s own rice?
RITA
Rice?
(RODDY and RITA look down at their food. RITA bursts out
laughing)
That’s not rice you numpty. They’re maggots.
(RODDY spits out his maggots)
RODDY
Well, that explains why it all ran to one side when I put the salt in.
RITA
You know, I think we did pretty well today. I suppose maybe I misjudged you a
bit. I mean, you’re not-
RODDY
Do I hear an actual compliment coming?
RITA
(sighs)
Never mind.
RODDY
No, no, no. Say it.
RITA
You’re not entirely the useless, whiny, stuck-up, pompous, big girl’s blouse I
thought you were.
RODDY
There. Was that so hard?
RITA
Well, we better get some rest if we’re gonna get you home tomorrow. Catch.
(RITA throws a sock at RODDY. RODDY unravels the sock like a
sleeping bag)
Flushed Away: The Musical 42

#10 – Life In The Sky

RITA (CONT)
Tell me about yourself, Roddy.
RODDY
THERE’S NOT MUCH TO TELL
I’VE LIVED WELL IN MY CHAMBER OF WEALTH
BY MYSELF
RITA
(spoken)
What?
RODDY
I’M IN A BOY BAND IS WHAT I MEANT
RITA
(spoken)
Seriously?
RODDY
YEP! I’M THE POSH ONE, IT’S MY ACCENT
RITA
WHAT ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS, RODDY?
WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?
TELL ME IT ALL RODDY, YOU’VE HEARD ABOUT ME
RODDY
I HAVE BROTHERS, AND SISTERS, AND COUSINS GALORE
WE PLAY GOLF AND GO SKIIING, WHO COULD WANT MORE?
MY LIFE IS PERFECT, AS PERFECT CAN BE,
I HAVE IT ALL, SO WHAT MORE COULD THERE BE?
RITA
YOU’VE COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL
AND IT FEELS LIKE I KNOW YOU SO WELL, AS FAR AS I CAN
TELL
Flushed Away: The Musical 43

BUT YOU’RE NOT THE RAT YOU’RE PRETENDING TO BE

SOMETHING IS HIDING UNDERNEATH

YOU SAY IT’S ALL FINE, RODDY.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO HIDE?
WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOUR LIFE IN THE SKY?
RODDY RITA
WHY DO I HAVE TO LIE TO HER?
WHAT DO I HAVE TO PROVE? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO PROVE?
JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH,
RODDY
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? TELL ME ABOUT YOU
THAT’S ALL TO MY STORY
THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO KNOW
IT’S TIME TO GO TO SLEEP NOW
TURN OFF THE LIGHTS BELOW
DON’T LET THE BEDBUGS BITE I’LL SHUT UP WITH THE
QUESTIONS
I’M TRYING TO BE POLITE
RODDY
GOODNIGHT
RITA
(riffing)
GOODNIGHT
RODDY
(over the top riffing)
GOODNIGHT
(spoken)
RITA
Alright, goodnight, Rod.
Flushed Away: The Musical 44

RODDY
(Smiling)
Goodnight, Rita.
(Song ends. Blackout)
Flushed Away: The Musical 45

ACT TWO, SCENE FOUR

(The lights come up on RITA at the wheel of the Jammy Dodger.
RODDY is asleep in his sock)
RITA
Wakey wakey! We’re getting close to Kensington. Tie down anything loose, it’s
gonna be a bumpy ride!
RODDY
(Yawning)
Aye aye captain.
(A webbed, green hand slaps onto the side of the boat, and various
Henchfrogs clamber aboard the Jammy Dodger and stand in a
clump. RITA gasps, and RODDY holds onto RITA in fear. RITA
shakes him off)
HENCHFROGS
Bonjour!
RITA
Who invited you on board? Hop it. Hop it!
(Lé Frog appears through the clump, sporting a beret and a garlic
garland)

#11 – Bonjour!

LÉ FROG
Ah, the English little girly, she’s so aggressive.
RITA
(Groans)
Lé Frog.
(Song ends)
LÉ FROG
I like a woman with a little fire.
(LÉ FROG kisses RITA’s cheek. RITA slaps LÉ FROG)
You’re going to pay for that, my little chocolate croissant! But first, a word
from our sponsor.
(TOAD steps out from the shadows.)
TOAD
Well done, Lé Frog! I salute you, sir. Now then, Rita, hand it over.
Flushed Away: The Musical 46

RITA
Hand what over?

TOAD
(snarling)
This dance of deception must end! Return what you have stolen from me.
RITA
I don’t have it anymore. It was a fake anyway.
TOAD
What? Oh, the ruby.
(TOAD laughs psychotically)
LÉ FROG
(To RITA and RODDY)
He’s cuckoo, but family.
TOAD
Oh, this is rich! The ruby was a pretty thing, but nothing when compared to the
master cable.
RITA
The master what?
TOAD
The cable! The one you’re now wearing as a belt.
RODDY
Well, if that’s all he wants.
RITA
Hang on. What do you want it for anyway?
TOAD
Oh, you’ll see, come the World Cup Final this afternoon.
(TOAD laughs psychotically again, this time turning into a chesty
cough)

RITA
The World Cup Final?
LÉ FROG
Okay, okay, cousin, take a breath. Leave it to me. We’ll get your Monsieur
Cable, kill the rodents, then me and my team can settle down for a nice brunch.
Okay, men, to action!
(The HENCHFROGS all raise their hands in surrender)
Flushed Away: The Musical 47

HENCHFROGS
We surrender!
LÉ FROG
No! Not that one, you idiots! The Kung Fu thing!
(The HENCHFROGS show off a display of Kung Fu skills,
dismantling and destroying the Jammy Dodger)
TOAD
Lé Frog! Get that cable!
LÉ FROG
Mon dieu!
TOAD
You rats, this is not over yet!
(TOAD leaves, after giving LÉ FROG the signal to attack. LÉ
FROG lunges towards RITA)
RITA
Take those flippers off me!
(After a brief kerfuffle, LÉ FROG grabs the master cable and
knocks RITA onto her back)

#12 – Au Revoir!

LÉ FROG
Aha! I have triumphed! You stupid English with your Yorkshire puddings, and
your chips and fish, you thought you could defeat Lé Frog?
(He scoffs in a French manner)
Au revoir, Mon Cherie!
(LÉ FROG bounds off, master cable in hand)
RODDY
I’ve got a plan!
(RODDY starts to gather various bits of the broken ship)
RITA
Goodbye, Jammy, me old mate.
(The Jammy Dodger bubbles as it sinks beneath the surface)

RODDY
I saw someone make something on Tabitha’s favourite show “Mr Maker”. This
should be able to use thrust to expel us upwards through this pipe, and help us
Flushed Away: The Musical 48

avoid the rapids, and deliver us home all due to the fabulous minds behind the
CBBC.
RITA
Who’s Tabitha?
RODDY
Um… one of the uh… groupies.
RITA
Huh.
RODDY
Anyway… to Kensington we go!
(RODDY hits a button on the boats motor. The motor fills up the
sail and causes them to lift up through the pipe, to way above
London)
RITA
Whoa!
RODDY
(Eyes closed)
We’re okay, we’re okay, we’re okay, we’re okay-
RITA
Try opening your eyes!
RODDY
(Opening his eyes)
We’re over Kensington!
RITA
Yeah, now it’s only a terrifying 900-foot drop between you and a nice
comfortable bed. Which one’s your house then?
RODDY
Right, now. Let me see. Inverness Gardens, Vicarage Gate, that’s the High
Street. Try and go left.
(They turn left)
That’s it, now a little bit to the right.
(They go a little bit to the right)
Oh, this is gonna be tricky.

RITA
Oh, yeah, because everything else has been a piece of cake.
RODDY
Flushed Away: The Musical 49

All right. Here we go. 45, 47, 49… now!

(RODDY and RITA both let go of the makeshift parachute, and fall
down a chimney)
Flushed Away: The Musical 50

ACT TWO, SCENE FIVE

(RODDY & RITA come tumbling out of the fireplace, both covered
in soot. They look at each other covered in soot, and laugh
together)
RODDY
We did it! I’m home. The crew of the Jammy Dodger survives!
(RODDY realises what he has said)
Oh, oh, of course. I’m such an idiot. The Dodger.
RITA
Wasn’t your fault, Rod. Quite an adventure, though, wasn’t it?
RODDY
Rita, I am so sorry. But I think I might be able to cheer you up.
(RODDY leads RITA to a jewellery box and lifts the lid. The room
is illuminated in gold light)
Ta-da! As promised, the Kensington jewels.
(RODDY scurries through the treasures, and pulls out a sparkling
red jewel)
A genuine star-cut ruby.
RITA
It’s just beautiful!
RODDY
And the best part?
(RODDY taps the ruby on the jewellery box)
Unbreakable.
(RODDY hands the ruby to RITA)
RITA
I don’t know what to say.
(RITA hugs RODDY. He grins)
Well, I suppose this is it.
RODDY
Thank you. For everything.
RITA
You’re welcome.
(beat)
Rod?
Flushed Away: The Musical 51

RODDY
Yes?
RITA
I’d love to meet your family.
(RODDY yells, but catches himself with a hand over his mouth)
RODDY
Um…
(beat. Yelling)
Hello? Hello, hello? Anybody home? Tut. Wouldn’t you know it? Just when
you need them, all out. Every one of them.
(RITA turns round and sees RODDY’s golden cage)
RITA
What’s that?
RODDY
Oh, that! Um, that’s my… that’s my master bedroom.
RITA
It’s a cage, Rod.
RODDY
What? No, no, it’s not actually.
RITA
Then, why the lock and bars?
RODDY
That’s my um, home security system. You know, to keep the fan girls out.
RITA
(beat)
You’re all alone up here, aren’t you? Rod?
SID
(Off stage)
Goal!
RITA
Who’s that?
RODDY
Um, that would be my brother!
(SID walks in, two barbies on his arms)
SID
Well, ladies, what a game! I can’t believe it! He shoots, he scores! Back of the
Net
Flushed Away: The Musical 52

(He spots RODDY and RITA)

Oh, hello.
RODDY
Rita, this is… Rupert!
SID
(He chuckles)
What?
RODDY
Rupert, this is Rita. She’s been so looking forward to meeting you… my
brother. Obviously, there’s not a huge family resemblance. I got the brains
and… Rupert… well, actually, I got the looks too, but we’re close as anything
aren’t we Rupert?
SID
Um-
RODDY
Well, how time flies when you’re having fun!
(RODDY ushers RITA past SID and towards the door)
RITA
Hello, Sid.
(RODDY stops in his tracks)
SID
Hello, Rita. How’s your dad?
RITA
Better, yeah. Thanks for asking.
SID
Rupert?
(SID guffaws)
What was all that about? Come here, you poor little thing.
(SID grabs RODDY into a headlock, and starts scuffing his hair)
You ever seen anything so pathetic?
(SID laughs wildly)
All Mr. Lonely has got is a little wheel to run around on in his cage. Loser!
(SID walks past RODDY, laughing as he exits the room)
RITA
I’m sorry, Rod. I didn’t know. You’ll be okay though, right?
Flushed Away: The Musical 53

RODDY
Okay? Look at this place, Rita. Look at my home. It’s a palace! I can do
whatever I want, whenever I want to.
RITA
Alright, Roddy. I was just trying-
RODDY
I’d say that’s a little more than okay, wouldn’t you? I mean, what do I need a
family for? What do I need friends for?
(RITA looks at RODDY, tears in her eyes)
I’m sorry, but if you have everything that you need, then you really should get
going. I have a serious infestation to deal with.
RITA
I’ll say goodbye, then, Roddy St. James, of Kensington.
(RITA walks past RODDY, looking back in despair. After she exits,
the toilet flushes. RODDY wanders through to the living room)
FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR
Only ten minutes left until halftime. What an amazing match this has been-
SID
Come on, England! Oh, this is fantastic!
FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR
A rare attack here by France, but nothing is to come of it.
SID
(To RODDY)
Come here, bruv! Rupert’s missing his Rodsy-wodsy.
(SID guffaws. RODDY sits next to him, and SID passes him a fruit
shoot. RODDY starts glugging as if it was a beer)
Word of advice, mate. Take it easy with the drink, or you’ll never make it to
half time.
RODDY
What did you say?
SID
The bathroom. I’m waiting until half time. I don’t want to miss any of the game.
RODDY
(explosively)
Half time! He’s waiting for half time!
(We see the various characters in flashbacks, dotted around the
stage)
Flushed Away: The Musical 54

HAROLD
Those floodgates won’t hold forever, you know. The Great Flood is coming!
TOAD
Give me back my master cable.
RITA
Why? What do you want it for anyway?
TOAD
Oh, you’ll see, come the world cup final this afternoon.
(Laughing maniacally)
SID
Half time!
(Back to real time)
‘Ello? Rod?
RODDY
Of course. That’s the Toad’s plan! That’s why he needs the cable! When
everyone up-top goes to the toilet, the whole of our city will be flushed away!
(To SID)
Quickly, come with me.
SID
What? But what about the game?
(RODDY drags SID, kicking and screaming, to the toilet seat)
SID
Please don’t flush me, Roddy! I can’t survive down there! I’ve gone soft!
RODDY
No, Sidney, I want you to flush me. I’m going back.

#13 – Back To The Sewers

SID
Back?
RODDY
Rita’s in terrible danger. Everyone’s in terrible danger! Now, you like it here,
don’t you?
SID
Oh, yes, Roddy. I like it here very much.
RODDY
And if I leave my house to you, you will be good to Tabitha, the little girl who
Flushed Away: The Musical 55

looks after me?

SID
I’ll be as good as gold to her, Roddy. I’ll be the best pet ever!
RODDY
Then, congratulations, old boy! The place is all yours!
SID
Sweet!
RODDY
Great, let’s get the bubbles going. I’ve got a big job to do!
SID
Aye-aye sir!
RODDY
So long, Sid!
SID
(Grabbing the toilet lever)
So long, Saint Rodnick Saint something of someplace or other!
RODDY
Geronimo!
(RODDY is flushed down the toilet again. This time feeling much
more comfortable)
(Song ends)
Flushed Away: The Musical 56

ACT TWO, SCENE SIX

(TOAD and LÉ FROG are sat on thrones, watching a TV
displaying the football)
FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR
Just two minutes left until half time! England is leading France three goals to
one. What an amazing game this has turned out to be! Definitely one to
remember!
TOAD
(Laughing maniacally)
It will be one to remember, so enjoy your last moments, you egregious sack of
vermin!
(SPIKE enters, followed by WHITEY holding RITA)
SPIKE
I found Rita, boss! I’ve got her! We found her crying her blooming eyes out in
the dock! Poor little thing… ah well!
RITA
Get off me, you lab reject!
(RITA goes to head butt SPIKE, but she misses. He stands in front
of her, proud)
SPIKE
Ha! You missed!
(RITA kicks between SPIKE’S legs, hitting his tail)
Ow.
TOAD
Ah, Rita. It’s so good of you to return the cable.
LÉ FROG
(Hops over to RITA)
Bonjour.
(He passes the cable to TOAD)
TOAD
At last, it’s mine!
(He laughs psychotically, once again ending up in a coughing fit)
LÉ FROG
Just take it. Drama queen. Au Revoir.
(He exits)
Flushed Away: The Musical 57

TOAD
(Walking over to the desk)
Let there be light!
(He plugs the cable into its plug, and sparks fly. To RITA)
I’m so glad you’re here for the grand opening.
(TOAD pulls down a lever, and the floodgates start to creak open.
RODDY sneaks in, and scampers over to RITA)
RITA
(Gasps)
Roddy!
RODDY
Rita, I’m so sorry. I’ve been such a fool. Rita, you were right about me. About
everything. I should have admitted that, but I was afraid you wouldn’t like me
anymore, and I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.
RITA
Roddy, do you think we can talk about this after we’re out of here?
RODDY
There’s no time. When that whistle blows for half time, and everyone Up-Top
goes to the toilet, it’s going to flush the whole city away.
RITA
But all my family is down there watching the game!
RODDY
We have to warn everyone.
TOAD
(As SPIKE & WHITEY grab RODDY and RITA)
So, you thought you could make a fool of The Toad, eh?
RITA
You don’t need us for that.
TOAD
Oh, Rita, you think you’re so clever, don’t you? Well, I’ll be the one laughing
when every single one of your revolting family, and the rest of this rat kingdom
is flushed away! Then, I shall repopulate the city with my millions of
Amphibikids!
(TOAD pulls down a curtain, revealing hundreds of Milk Jugs, all
filled with tadpoles swimming around viciously)
ALL (EXC. TOAD)
Eww!
Flushed Away: The Musical 58

WHITEY
Nasty!
(TOAD is fascinated by his spectacle of amphibi-kids. RODDY
whispers to RITA)
RODDY
We need to get to that desk and pull out the cable.
RITA
How? It’s impossible.
RODDY
(Looks at a can next to him labelled “LIQUID NITROGEN:
RATHER COLD”.)
(To himself)
Liquid Nitrogen.
(To RITA)
England is winning. Anything is possible.
(RODDY unplugs the Liquid Nitrogen from the cord. It sprays
everywhere and freezes SPIKE and WHITEY)
TOAD
(Groans)
Do I have to do everything myself?
(A whistle is heard, and a crowd cheers)
FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR
There goes the whistle for halftime! We’re gonna take a break, but we’ll be
back in a few minutes.
TOAD
You’re too late to do anything! You and your kind are finished!
RITA
Oh, yeah? Well, come and get us then, you warty windbag.
(RITA and RODDY climb out of an open window and onto a pipe
above the Lower London River. As they celebrate their escape, we
hear toilets flushing)
RITA
Oh, no!
RODDY
We can still make it! Back this way! come on!
TOAD
(Climbing out the window, blocking RODDY and RITA’s exit)
Flushed Away: The Musical 59

Going somewhere? I will make sure you are gone. My city will be clean!

RODDY
Well, you might as well do it now. So come on, Toad, come and get me!
(TOAD lunges towards RITA and RODDY angrily. RODDY and
RITA duck and TOAD stumbles and falls off of the pipe)
TOAD
(Falling)
God save the king!
(TOAD splashes into the river. RITA and RODDY celebrate, but
suddenly a rush of water is heard)
RITA
Roddy! The flood! Think!
RODDY
I’ve got a plan. Quick, back through here.
(RODDY and RITA climb back through the window. We see a
crowd of rats in Lower London, all eagerly watching the football)
RITA’S DAD
(Turning around, he notices the flood)
Wave! Everybody, wave!
ALL (EXC. RITA’S DAD)
(They do a Mexican wave)
England!
RITA’S DAD
No! Look! Giant wave!
(They scream. We see RODDY and RITA on the pipe, holding the
cord full of liquid nitrogen)
RODDY
Please work. Please work. Please work.
RITA
You ready, Rod?
RODDY
Aye, aye, cap’n! 3…2…1…Now!
(As the wave of sewage gets closer, RITA and RODDY jump off the
pipe, and aim the liquid nitrogen at the wave. The wave towers
over the crowd, and freezes. RODDY and RITA slide down the
wave, laughing in glee)
Flushed Away: The Musical 60

SLUG
High five! Oh, yeah.
SHOCKY
Look! It’s Roddy and Rita!
RITA’S DAD
Good on you, girl!
WHITEY
Hooray for Millicent Bystander!
ALL (EXC. RODDY & RITA)
Millicent! Millicent! Millicent!
RITA
You’re a hero, Rod!
RODDY
Rita, I was wondering. If you do build a Jammy Dodger Mark Two, you
wouldn’t happen to need a first mate, would you?
RITA
Aye aye, Rod.
(They both spit and shake hands)
RITA’S GRANDMA
Hello, Tom! Give us a smooch!
(As RITA’S GRANDMA leans in for a kiss, RODDY grabs a slug
and holds it to RITA’S GRANDMA. She gives it a big
smackeroony)
WHITEY
Oh, I love a happy ending.
SPIKE
Oh, you’ve gone soft! You know what I like? Unhappy endings, with lots of
violence.
(WHITEY punches SPIKE)
WHITEY
Are you happy now, Spike?
RODDY
Shall we?
RITA
Go for it.
Flushed Away: The Musical 61

#14 – In The Sewers (Reprise)

RODDY
(Sung)
I THINK I’M GOING TO STAY
ENSEMBLE
IN THE SEWERS
RODDY
THE TOP MAY HAVE IT’S WORTH,
BUT YOU NEVER JUDGE A RAT BY THE LOOK OF IT’S FUR!
ENSEMBLE
IN THE SEWERS
RITA
LOOK AT HOW FAR YOU’VE COME,
IT MATTERS WHERE YOU ARE
RODDY & RITA
NOT WHERE YOU CAME FROM
ENSEMBLE
THE WHOLE IS GREATER THAN THE SUM OF IT’S PARTS,
RUBIES DON’T COMPARE TO WHAT’S IN YOUR HEART
WE WELCOME ANYONE FROM ANYWHERE,
AS LONG AS YOU’RE A RODENT,
(Drum solo)
AS LONG AS YOU’RE A RODENT,
(Guitar solo)
AS LONG AS YOU’RE A RODENT,
WE DON’T CARE! HEY!
Flushed Away: The Musical 62

(End of show.)