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Berry Jones Correction

OET writing correction

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Yoyo Rashad
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4 views2 pages

Berry Jones Correction

OET writing correction

Uploaded by

Yoyo Rashad
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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Ms Jane Graham

New town
Occupational Therapy
10 Johnston Street
New town

20.06. 2015

Dear Ms Graham,
Re: Mr Barry Jones
DOB: 01.04.1972

Thank you seeing Mr Jones, who would like to return is requiring to return to his work after a good
recovery from his back injury. Your assessment of his workplace would be highly appreciated.

Mr Jones works as is a forklift driver in a large warehouse. His job which requires a prolonged sitting
and occasional heavy- Lifting. You cannot write a paragraph as one sentence. This will reduce your score in
Organization and Layout. Divide them in 2 sentences.

On 21/03/2015, Mr Jones he had a Severe Lower back strain after lifting heavy box off floor at work
without disc problem . Referral to a physiotherapist for daily walking with elevation the distance and
time . he I gave him a certificate for sick leave for a month along with a prescription of painkillers. In
addition to that, I scheduled a regular review every month to for follow up his Condition.
Where is the development of the condition Use balanced structures while listing symptoms
during the subsequent visits? Give a hint or recommendations

Therefore, he was referred to a physiotherapist and a sick leave for a month was given along with a
recommendation to walk on daily basis. Pain killers were instituted to control the pain.
This paragraph needs to be
reorganized logically

Today, Mr Jones he represented to my clinic with persistent pain and stiffness in his back despite
being compliant with the treatment plan. continuous back pain . The moving is still very stiffly stiffy
especially after 20 to 30 minutes of sitting and lying down. However, He has a good recovery of back
strain as long as increasing the range of his motion. Physiotherapists increased elevated gradually
walking time gradually from 10 to 30 minutes per day. Therefore, I allowed him to go back again to
his work with a regular breaks and no heavy lifting. without any heavy leafing because he is bored

Today, Mr Jones’ condition improved partially due to being compliant to the treatment plan and the
extended sick leaves for the previous three month. He reported increasing the walking time from 10
to 30 minutes. However, his main complaint is the persistent pain along with stiffness in his back. Mr
Jones looked very bored and distressed. For this reason, he was allowed to go back to his job with
regular breaks and no heavy lifting.

I will be highly valued if you assess Mr Jones’ workplace and give him advices on any potential
dutyiesduties that he can do to fasten his recovery and avoid such injuries.

For any queries, please contact me

Yours sincerely,

Corrected by Mrs Mahinour Salama. For writing correction service, contact us on Whats APP on
these numbers: 00201094998787-00201272757084. Our courses testimonials is on our page on face
book: https://www.facebook.com./AlexandriaEnglishCoachingCenter/.
RED Colour : wrong need to be corrected.
Blue Colour : the correction for the mistake.

Feedback:
1- Your letter covered the relevant case notes but missed some of them
which is important to continue the patient care.( The occupational therapist
should know that Mr Jones had 3 month sick leave and during them he was
compliant to the treatment plan because according to his assessment and the data
you sent him, he will take a decision.)
2- Use balanced structures while listing data. Try to group data in well
structured sentences.
3- Organize your sentences in the paragraph logically with coherence.
4- Watch your punctuation.
5- Do not write a paragraph of only one sentence, this will reduce your
score in organization and layout.

Assessment Criteria:
Purpose: 2.
Content: 4
Conciseness & Clarity: 6.
Genre & Style: 6
Organization & Layout: 5.
Language: 4

Total: 27 = 355 out of 500.


Grade : B

Corrected by Mrs Mahinour Salama. For writing correction service, contact us on Whats APP on
these numbers: 00201094998787-00201272757084. Our courses testimonials is on our page on face
book: https://www.facebook.com./AlexandriaEnglishCoachingCenter/.

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