Kaleidoscope

Volume 10 Article 11

June 2012

Narcissism in Romantic Relationships: An Analysis

of Couples' Behavior during Disagreements
John W. King

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Recommended Citation
King, John W. (2011) "Narcissism in Romantic Relationships: An Analysis of Couples' Behavior during Disagreements," Kaleidoscope:
Vol. 10, Article 11.
Available at: https://uknowledge.uky.edu/kaleidoscope/vol10/iss1/11

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Faculty Mentor: Dr. Peggy Keller

Abstract

Many more people show classic symptoms of narcissism than merit a diagnosis of Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD). This has affected the whole of society, but potentially more
importantly, it has invaded the realm of romantic interaction. This study seeks to fill gaps in the
current research by exploring how narcissists interact within romantic relationships during
problem solving discussions. Participants were 38 adult married or cohabiting couples who
reported on their relationship’s security and functioning, and who participated in two problem
solving discussions. Discussions were videotaped and coded for the presence of narcissistic
behaviors. Those partners who engaged in greater narcissistic behavior during the discussions
reported greater insecurity and greater aggression in their relationships. Findings highlight the
importance of narcissism in romantic relationships, and shed light on how narcissism may affect
interpersonal interactions.

Background

Narcissism is perhaps one of the most recognizable personality traits in society today. If one
were to ask, for example, if someone can name a narcissistic individual, they are likely to come
up with a list of names and examples. Along with this, the idea of narcissism has been in
existence almost as long as society itself. It was the ancient Greeks who first described
narcissism in the form of the mythological character Narcissus.

Narcissus pursued true love throughout his life. Inevitably, however, true love was not to be in
his future, at least not in the way most would imagine. After many failed attempts, Narcissus
stares wonderingly into a pool of water, where he finds the only love he is to ever know; a deep
and unshakeable love for himself. Eventually, Narcissus begins to waste away in front of the
pool, until his death from loving himself. Even the Greeks must have known that the love of
oneself has a limit.

The death of Narcissus due to his self-love is not what the current research intends to investigate.
Metaphorically speaking, the current research attempts to look into the failed relationships of
Narcissus to ultimately understand how his self-love prevented positive interactions in romantic
relationships with others. Simply stated, the present study looks to find what behavioral
strategies are put in place by those with varying levels of narcissistic qualities, and how those
strategies, in turn, affect the quality of said relationships. Before doing this, however, it is
important to understand exactly what narcissism is in psychological terms.

What is Narcissism?

As defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual’s forth revision (DSM, American
Psychiatric Association, 1994), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) includes the following
symptoms: 1.) exhibiting a grandiose sense of self-importance, that is to say, they overestimate
their abilities and inflate their accomplishments appearing boastful and pretentious; 2.) are
preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love; 3.)
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believe that they are superior, special, or unique, and expect others to recognize them as such; 4.)
require excessive admiration because their self-esteem is almost invariably fragile, thus they
need constant attention and admiration and frequently “fish for compliments;” 5.) have an
unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment and become upset or even furious when others
do not cater to them; 6.) frequently exploit others to get what they want or need, no matter what
the consequences and form friendships merely to advance their own purposes; 7.) lack empathy
in regards to the feelings of others often leading them to be emotionally cold or lack reciprocal
interest; 8.) are envious of others or believe others to be envious of them 9.) exhibit arrogant,
haughty behaviors and have snobbish, disdainful, or patronizing attitudes. Although these criteria
altogether represent NPD, not everyone with narcissistic qualities fits the diagnosis of NPD (one
must exhibit at least 5 out of the 9 criteria).

Less than 1% of people with narcissistic qualities merit a diagnosis for NPD (Campbell, 2002).
This in itself presents its own, and potentially more dangerous, problem. With more and more of
the population exhibiting proportionately more narcissistic qualities, society has become afflicted
with the ailment of “New Narcissism,” which is showing an increase even in popular music
(DeWall, Pond, Campbell, & Twenge, 2011), but is able to slip under the radar of current
diagnostic criteria (Twenge & Campbell, 2009). While the definition of narcissism has not
changed, there are more individuals with narcissistic qualities than ever before and these
individuals’ present symptoms are therefore vastly different from the psychological problems of
the past.

Early complaints of psychological difficulties concerned themselves more with obsessive and
compulsive behaviors (Batlan, 2001). In direct opposition, Batlon (2001, p.199) goes on to
explain that today’s patients talk about their problems in more vague and ill-defined terms
“complaining of loneliness, boredom, alienation, and restlessness.” Thusly, the problems have
become more and more centered around the self. In light of what has become a more self-
centered society, it is then important to understand how the narcissist views the self.

Narcissism and the Self

The central discussion about narcissists and their own self image is the question of self-esteem.
Specifically, whether or not the narcissist likes him/her self in general is at the forefront. The
answer, however, is that it depends. It seems that in agentic areas, such as intelligence and status,
narcissists rate themselves more positively than they do in communal areas, such as traits like
kindness and morality (Campbell, Bosson, Goheen, Lakey, & Kernis, 2007). Campbell et al.
(2007, p.228) go on to state that, “narcissists do not uniformly dislike themselves deep down
inside… Rather, narcissists report high explicit and implicit self-views on measures of agency,
and neutral self-views on measures of communion.” The argument continues into the deeper
question of self-regulation in the narcissist.

Morf and Rhondewalt (2001, p.177-194) argue that narcissism is more of a personality process
than some trait or difference among people. Essentially, their argument states that the narcissist
perpetually battles to maintain self-esteem, but by the very process of doing so, they isolate
themselves from the attention they crave. It may be best stated that the narcissistic self is in “a
chronic state of self-under-construction, which they relentlessly pursue through various social-
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cognitive-affective self-regulatory mechanisms in not always optimal ways” (Morf &

Rhondewalt, 2001). For example, narcissists tend to think of themselves in very positive terms,
which is not always accurate. When these views are challenged, narcissists present with
maladaptive behaviors such as emotional coldness and lack of empathy for others.

There is much agreement about this self-regulatory process with the exception that Vazire and
Funder (2006, p.154) believe that impulsivity should be added to the framework. Narcissists do
seem to continually undermine themselves in their interactions with others, but this may be
because they do not possess the self-control necessary to allow for positive interaction (Vazire &
Funder, 2006). Narcissists are so impulsive that their actions and the consequences of those
actions are rarely considered. This, along with the argument presented by Morf and Rhondewalt
(2001, p.177-194) provides a bit of understanding into why the narcissist cannot maintain
healthy relationships. Many, however, believe that key to the alleviation of narcissism is simply
to learn to love oneself (Branden, 1994).

The idea that a narcissist “needs” to love the self more seems a bit counterproductive. In fact, as
Campbell, Foster, and Finkle (2002, p.340) argue, self-love can actually come between and even
destroy romantic relationships. In truth, what the narcissist is looking for is not always a healthy
form of love. Many times, what the narcissist really wants with regard, to love is a romantic
trophy husband or wife (Campbell, 1999) because this increases their status and allows them to
have a “#1 fan.” In order to attain what they want in a relationship, narcissists are also more
likely to exhibit a “game-playing” relationship style (Campbell et al. 2002). For example,
narcissists may seek to avoid a dependent partner and focus themselves on sexual opportunities
with others while deceiving the current partner. Whatever the narcissist’s self-regulation
strategy, it may be a byproduct, or at the very least, exacerbated by society.

Narcissism in Social Situations

Social situations for the narcissist can be quite a roller-coaster ride. Initially, others tend to see
them as charming, flattering, and even enjoyable to be around (Campbell, Foster, & Finkel,
2002). However, as social interaction becomes more and more frequent, the narcissist’s
pathology eventually comes to light (Campbell et al., 2002). For example, narcissists often
become extremely defensive with criticism from others, have difficulty understanding and
expressing emotions, and are controlling and deceptive (Atles & Them, 2008; Campbell et al.,
2002; Dimmaggio et al., 2002). The narcissistic view of the self is quite different than the views
of other people.

Narcissists tend to view themselves as smarter, more attractive, and all around better than others
(Campbell, Foster, & Finkel, 2002). Therefore, it would appear that the narcissist lives in a world
of constant social comparison. In fact, people who are high in narcissistic traits tend to
experience more extreme responses to social comparison than do non-narcissists (Bogart,
Benotsch, & Pavlovic, 2004). Since the narcissist tends to be highly oversensitive and is in
constant need for positive attention, a negative comparison to others can be very devastating
(Bogart et al., 2004). Indeed, this may lead to an overly aggressive response from the narcissistic
individual (Bogart et al., 2004).
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Narcissism and Aggression

Highly narcissistic individuals tend to feel more threatened by negative feedback, and thus react
much more aggressively to such feedback (Stucke & Sporer, 2002). Since they hold themselves
in such high regard, when someone else questions the narcissist’s self-view, the narcissist tends
to lash out in response (Baumeister, Bushman, & Campbell, 2000). This aggression may be
physical, verbal, or both (Stucke & Spore, 2002). Indeed, interaction in general must be an
extremely difficult process, but interaction within romantic relationships with a narcissistic
partner becomes even more of a delicate process.

Narcissism and Romantic Relationships

Within romantic relationships, narcissism is associated with game-playing behavior, controlling

behavior, and concern with the popularity and success of the partner (Kernis & Sun, 1994).
Within the relationship, narcissistic “symptoms” have also been linked to physical aggression
(Ryan, Weikel, & Sprechini, 2008). Interactions with a narcissistic partner are no less like
interactions with a narcissistic individual, in general. Narcissists continue to search for their own
self-gratification with little or no concern for the feelings of others. It is also more likely for the
narcissistic partner to be less committed in their current relationships in large part due to the
perception that there are other options and availabilities out there for potential relationships
(Campbell & Foster, 2002). This may be why narcissists prefer relationships with little closeness
and intimacy (Campbell & Foster, 2002). The gap in current research, however, does not discuss
how narcissistic individuals work through problems in their current relationships.

The Current Research Project

Smolewska and Dion (2005, p.67) state that research is needed to examine how narcissists
regulate emotions and behavior within romantic relationships. Such research will provide a
greater understanding of how narcissism leads to functional deficits, affects others, and can be
ameliorated through intervention. This will be the general focus of the current project.

The goal of this project is to determine how narcissism may be manifested through behavioral
and emotional strategies, how these strategies affect the behavior and emotions of the partner,
and how they are associated with overall relationship functioning. During problem solving
discussions, narcissistic behaviors such as defensiveness, blame, bids for control, bringing up
praise-worthy behavior, and expressions of superiority, and emotional patterns of anger in
response to perceived blame, and disdain for the partner, will be identified. Overall, couples
characterized by these narcissistic patterns of interaction are expected to be less satisfied with
their relationship, exhibit less secure attachments with their partner, experience more frequent
and severe conflicts, and maintain maladaptive patterns of discussion that force the conversation
in a roundabout fashion with little or no resolution.
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Methods

Participants
Participants were drawn from a larger study on families. Thirty-eight individuals participated in
the study. In order to qualify for participation in the study, participants needed to be over the age
of 21, in a romantic relationship with their current partner for at least two years, and have a child
between the ages of 6 and 12.

Participants were recruited through old birth announcements, advertisements placed on public
message boards, and referrals from those who had already participated in the study. Families
were compensated with payment of $130.00 per family for their participation.

The mean age for females was M=37.2 (SD=7.2). The mean age for males was M=38.74
(SD=6.78). 91.3% of couples were married and 6.5% were cohabitating. Religion in females
ranged from 21.7% Catholic, 63% Christian, 2.2% none, and 2.2% other. Religion in males
ranged from 21.7% Catholic, 63% Christian, 2.2% Jewish, and 4.3% other. The distribution of
race was 76.2% White, 19% African American, and 4.8% other.

Procedure
Participants were provided with questionnaires to complete. They then participated in two 10
minute problem solving discussion that were videotaped. Topics were chosen independently by
the partners; each was asked to select three topics that are difficult for them to handle in their
relationship, ordering them from most severe to least severe. Partners were then reunited and
asked to choose one topic from each list that they were both comfortable discussing. Each topic
was then discussed for 10 minutes, with the experimenter alerting the couple when to switch to
the next topic. Couples were instructed to discuss the topic like they normally would at home,
attempting to reach a resolution, and not pretending to have a disagreement. Video tapes were
later coded for the presence of narcissistic behaviors as described below.

Measures
Romantic Attachment: Participants completed the Spousal Attachment Styles Questionnaire
(SASP; Becker, Billings, Eveleth, & Gilbert, 1997), which provides measures of attachment
security and fearfulness.

General Conflict Behavior: Participants also completed the Conflict Tactics Scales subscale for
Psychological Aggression (CTS; Straus, 1996). The psychological aggression subscale uses
higher scores indicating greater psychological aggression. Participants rated their use of
psychological aggression, as well as their partners’ use of psychological aggression. The CTS is
the most widely used questionnaire measure of aggression in romantic relationships
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Results

Pearson’s correlation coefficient was used to assess associations between narcissistic behaviors
during interactions and couples’ attachment security and general conflict behaviors. Degrees of
freedom for reported correlations vary due to missing data. Pearson correlation of .1 are
considered small effects, .3 are considered medium effects, and .5 are considered large effects.
Because of the small sample size, one tailed tests were examined.

During the problem solving discussion, when females were preoccupied, males were more likely
to make excuses r(30)=.38, p<.05, exhibit emotionally cold behavior r(30)=.39, p<.05, and also
utilize the “yes…but” strategy r(30)=.32, p<.05. However, when it was the male who was
preoccupied, it was the female who was more likely to be controlling r(32)=.34, p<.05, exhibit
emotionally cold behavior r(32)=.29, p<.05, and was less likely to challenge the male point of
view r(32)=-.36, p<.05. The male was less likely to fanaticize about power or success r(32)=-
.41, p<.05 and less likely to exhibit controlling behavior r(32)=-.31, p<.05.

When females were fearful, they were more likely to blame the male r(30)=.39, p<.05 and to
challenge his point of view r(30)=.32, p<.05 and the male was more likely to fanaticize about
power or success r(30)=.33, p<.05. When it was the male who was fearful, he was less likely to
be in control r(32)=-.339, p<.05 and less likely to be emotionally cold r(32)=-.33, p<.05. The
female was less likely to challenge the male point of view r(32)=-.31, p<.05, the male was less
concerned with the female’s success r(32)=-.30, p<.05, was less likely to fanaticize about power
or success r(32)=-.58, p<.05 and more likely to use the “yes…but” strategy r(32)=.29, p<.05.

When the female was more secure, the male was less likely to make excuses r(30)=-.33, p<.05,
less likely to fish for compliments r(30)=-.35, p<.05 and the female was less likely to blame the
male r(30)=-.36, p<.05. The male was less likely to be deceptive r(30)=-.31, p<.05. However,
when the male felt secure, he was more likely to be dominate r(32)=.33, p<.05.

In the questionnaires, when the female self-reported psychological aggression, the male was
more likely to fish for compliments r(30)=.31, p<.05, the female was more likely to blame the
male r(30)=.38, p<.05, and the male was more likely to challenge the female point of view.
When the female reported psychological aggression from the partner, the male was more likely
to fish for compliments r(30)=.39, p<.05, to exhibit controlling behavior r(30)=.34, p<.05, to
fanaticize about power or success r(30)=.34, p<.05, and be more deceptive r(30)=.30, p<.05.

When the male self-reported using psychological aggression, he was more likely to also make
excuses r(32)=.30, p<.05. However, when the male reported psychological aggression from the
female, the male was more likely to make excuses r(32)=.41, p<.05 and the female was more
likely to be emotionally cold.
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Discussion

None of the participants in the current study exhibited the full criteria to meet a diagnosis of
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual
fourth revision (DSM, American Psychological Association, 1994). In fact, much of what we
found were random, yet significant “symptoms” of narcissism in a small percentage of the
population which is consistent with the findings of Campbell, 2002; DeWall, Pond, Campbell,
and Twenge, 2011; and Twenge and Campbell, 2009. These findings demonstrate that overall
relationship functioning has a great deal to do with the presence of narcissistic symptoms.

Much of the pattern of relationship dysfunction followed a somewhat stimulus-response pattern

exhibited in both males and females. For example, during problem solving discussions, when the
female was preoccupied, the male was more likely to respond with emotional coldness, yet when
the male was preoccupied, the female began to respond with emotional coldness. These findings
are supported by Morf and Rhondewalt (2001) when they argue that narcissism is more of a
personality process than some trait or difference among people.

Individuals high in narcissistic qualities experienced fearfulness in the same way for both males
and females. When females were fearful, the male fanaticized more about power or success. On
the other hand, when the male was fearful, he was less likely to fanaticize about power and
success. This is consistent with the findings of Bogart, Benotsch, and Pavlovic (2004) when they
explain that the narcissistic self tends to be fragile and in need of positive attention. This would
also indicate that the individual high in narcissistic traits is willing to change relationship styles
based upon situational factors in order to maintain a relationship that provides the attention they
need.

The concept of physical aggression can be tied very closely to narcissistic individuals (Stucke &
Sporer, 2002; Baumeister, Bushman, & Campbell, 2000; & Bogart, Benotsch, & Pavlovic,
2004). For example, when the female reported being physically aggressive towards their male
counterpart, the male was more likely to fish for compliments and challenge the female’s point
of view, while the female was more likely to blame the male. When the female reported that the
male was physically aggressive, the female was more likely to blame the male while the male
was just as likely to fish for compliments, be controlling, but also fantasize about power or
success and be deceptive in the relationship. Since males presented more physical aggression,
this may once again be a defense mechanism to protect the fragile narcissistic self by all means
possible (Bogart et al. 2004).

Some shortcomings in the current research are as follows: With a small sample size (38) there is
the potential for a Type 1 error. To reduce this, future research should use a much larger sample
size to achieve better results. This study was also demographically limited. The majority of
participants were white Christians. Therefore, to be more representative, future research should
look for a more diverse sample in order the see if these results are cross-cultural.

The current study was able to verify that couples’ with the most narcissistic tendencies were
overall less happy with their relationship. These couples also showed less commitment and were
more likely to have more frequent and severe conflict. Narcissistic couples exhibited little
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problem solving and discussions proceeded in a roundabout manor. The implications for areas
such as couple’s therapy are tremendous and future research should look into how these
narcissistic dysfunctions can be alleviated through intervention.

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