Reflection on Our Bodies, Shells

Pre-production
I think a lot about finding meaning and doing stuff with intention. I always try to track down an
emotional, aesthetic, or personal point before I get started on a project. This project did not start
that way. Instead it started in my head as I was walking. I pictured two people in tank tops on my
porch, I pictured snow on the ground, and I came up with a conversation between them. This
conversation played out in my head as I was walking home after class. They talked in short
words and hushed tones for my whole bus ride. And when I got home I didn’t write any of it
down or think about it, so when later I tried to tap back into that memory not a word had stuck.
All I remembered is they were very existentially concerned vampires. I tried to rewrite the
conversation over and over and I never came up with something that satisfied me so I gave up.
I talked with my partner, Nova, about this assignment, of making a short film for a class
about film in the style of a director I liked and I talked about wanting to do a gore effect,
specifically carving a pentagram into someone’s chest. We built on that together, coming to an
allegory of transcendence from the constraints of the physical body into a more whole and divine
being. Well, that’s where I ended up, Nova joked about it being a fresh new top surgery. Same
thing, really. Eventually I decided that my short film would intermingle the porch conversation
and the transcendent gore. So then I had to write that. And decide on a director to pay homage to.
I ended up landing on Jane Schoenbrun after writing a couple pages of the script while
listening to the soundtrack for their film I Saw the TV Glow. The fit was very natural. My idea
and their works had a similar coalescing of themes, of trans identity and escape from the material
through transitioning and embracing the ephemeral godhood reality which exists just past where
your fingers can reach in our smaller reality but you can reach out and touch it because it’s still
right there, no matter what it’s still right there. So I looked around for actual academic pieces
about their work and, well, there aren’t a lot. But I was attached to the idea now, so I’d make it
work.​
There is no reason for the word vampire to appear in relation to the short film I ended up
writing and creating. The script mentions fangs which we forgot on the day of the shoot so we
put a little bit of blood on our actor’s face, not that you can see it in the final cut (it’s at about 8
seconds if you want to try to catch it). The only reason, as far as I can tell, for them to be
vampires is because I have become extremely fixated on the World of Darkness recently, and
have specifically started running a Vampire: The Masquerade chronicle. There is no other reason.
To quickly explain terms, World of Darkness is a setting which is a gothic-punk reflection of our
world but full of monsters and magic and all of these beings have their own world of lore that all
connects in a philosophically and aesthetically more or less cohesive thesis. Vampire: the
Masquerade is the system used by people to play as vampires in this setting. I like this system, its
world, its philosophical intention, a lot. Specifically to dive into the philosophy a little, and I
swear this is relevant, there are a bunch of quasi-religious vampire run organisations that seek to
enlighten other vampires, some believe that vampires are actually angels brought to earth to
bring judgement on mortals, others believe in a more individual peace and enlightenment called
Golconda, and others believe that becoming a vampire is just the first step and that indulging in
all hedonistic whims is how true ascension can be achieved. This is why in my mind vampires
are a very natural connection to make with bodily ascension to a higher form of consciousness
via alteration of the form.

Production
I didn’t really know how to write my script for a long time. I took a walk in the forest near my
home at night and started thinking about the script, and then I decided to just go ahead and
improvise a few scenes in the vein of We’re All Going to the World’s Fair. These spontaneous
improvised videos became the “feeling real” monologue and the dance. After that I felt like I’d
actually struck, finally, on what my intention was with this script and short film so I started
actually writing. I tried to keep it as short and concise as possible, only including key scenes and
keeping the dialogue interesting while giving just barely enough to follow along. I lifted a
cleansing ritual from Crowley that I’d used in my writing before and altered it to fit with a
different overall intention.
I realised I had to start filming this short film when Raye asked me if I wanted to cameo
in theirs. I filmed a handful of segments on my own, then with Nova, then, once we had our
camera operator, Alec we finally spent a little over a day plowing through as much filming as we
could. Part of the problem was that I’d specified that most scenes happened at night. We filmed a
short scene in my room which took too many takes because I kept forgetting my lines, then went
outside and filmed my daydreamed porch scene. In the moment of filming that porch scene
something came back to me and I improvised a change to the script in our exchange, Nova
picked up on it and threw it back to me naturally while staying in character, building off of what
we’d talked about and extending the scene. I think the final exchange is far better than what I had
written initially.
Finally I gathered a little plastic bag of gore effects makeup. I helped Nova copy down a
shortened version of their ritual chant in the script as they struggled to pronounce the names of
God from the Crowley ritual. Then the three of us, Alec, Nova, and I, went off in the pitch black
of night, hardly dressed for the weather, into the middle of the woods. We didn’t have to go far,
I’d scouted an area earlier, still technically on a path, but off the main path, where we could film
without disturbances. We filmed the chant from three different angles, one take was perfect, the
other two had little mistakes in them that I’d be able to cut around fairly easily. Then I lay down
and let Nova stab me with a prop knife they’d bought for their own short film for a different
class. Taking inspiration from Harold and Maude I had filled the handle of the knife with fake
blood so as the blade slid back it forced the blood out. In the process of setting this up I had
spilled fake blood all over the path. As Nova started to carve into me, I realized that I had not
given them enough direction beforehand, panicking, I started directing them in the moment,
whispering micro adjustments for them to make. You can absolutely make out the little whispers
in the final cut. Once Nova had carved a circle I used a q-tip and some black cream makeup to
trace the same circle onto me, then I ripped up several makeup wipes, dipped them in liquid latex
and glued them around the circle to create the effect of peeled back skin. Then I lay down and
Alec poured fake blood on the wound. As they poured I felt the cold liquid run up towards my
sternum and stain my bra. As soon as they were done, they turned on the camera and Nova knelt
down, placing the knife on the spot in the circle where we’d left off. They pulled it back. I lay
there for a long moment. It’s done. This is the final shot. I remembered, dimly, that there was one
final beat in my script. I sat up and moved to bite into their neck. Nova told me afterwards that
they’d completely forgotten about me coming back to life and biting them at the end of the
script, their little yelp was 100% genuine.
I ripped as much of the liquid latex and fake blood covered makeup wipes from me as
possible and stuffed them in a plastic bag and we started the walk back. I had used all the wipes
I’d brought so blood dripped down my skirt, leaving a trail out of the forest. We passed a small
family on our way back. I could’ve sworn I recognized the daughter from highschool but
couldn’t quite place her. When we got home we all collapsed. I took some time and showered.
Got the sticks and leaves out of my hair and washed away the last of the gore.

Post-production
Editing was a nightmare. We’d finished filming the Sunday before the short film was supposed
to be shown to the class on Tuesday. I tried to secure my mom’s laptop which had editing
software I was familiar with already installed. It didn’t end up working out. I downloaded
DaVinci Resolve because it was free and attempted to learn everything about it in under a day
while trying to edit the short film.
I’m not particularly proud of what I ended up showing in class. It became very clear that
the audio was far too quiet very quickly. I had looked for an audio normalizing tool but had come
up with nothing in time. I had stopped editing a little after half the files got inexplicably
corrupted and after fixing them, realized that the film was already thirty seconds over.
After the showing in class I didn’t touch DaVinci Resolve for a long time. I privated the
video on youtube so that no one would be able to see the shortcomings I’d run up against. I
stewed with the incomplete piece unwittingly at the back of my mind. I worked on other
assignments. I made other art. I prepared for a session of Vampire: the Masquerade. I played
video games.
I got your email about the final and panicked. Only after rereading it did I even see that
you’d mentioned being unable to view my final project, this unfinished short film I’d privated
out of shame. After writing the final I went back into DaVinci Resolve. I edited for a full day. I
rewrote a section of my final. I worked for two hours. I reread and submitted my final. I
rewatched and uploaded the short film. I tried to submit a link to the shortfilm in the assignment
folder but couldn’t. So I thought about it. Figured I should submit the reflection too, I can submit
my director’s cut alongside that. I didn’t write my reflection for a few days. I ran a session of
Vampire: the Masquerade. I listened to CJ the X’s “6 Forms of God”. Finally I put on some
music and tried to put it all together into a reflection.
I don’t think this is particularly polished, but at least it’s done.