Anger Management Course

What is anger?
Anger is defined as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. The first thing to understand is that
anger is normal. Anger is a reaction to something you are feeling and is not planned. It cannot be avoided.
That's why this course is not called an "Anger Elimination Course", but rather an "Anger Management Course".
It is an emotion that is experienced by all and can be a helpful and sometimes necessary emotion. Anger is a
state that is temporary and does not last forever.
More anger than ever?
You may have noticed that there seems to be more angry people than ever before. You can see this when
watching the news or by reading the comments section of almost any blog or online news story. Furthermore,
more and more people are expressing their anger with violence. Violence is all around us in movies, TV shows,
video games, the workplace, home, schools, public places, etc. There is so much violence that it sometimes feels
normal. In the United States, millions of people have a difficult time managing their anger.
Is anger bad?
Everyone has feelings and the fact that one feels angry is not a bad thing in and of itself. Anger is not
necessarily a bad emotion. Anger can actually be a very healthy feeling to experience and can alert us to dangers
and facilitate what may be necessary responses.
However, anger can be quite bad. If anger goes unidentified and uncontrolled it can destroy personal
relationships, cause termination of employment, and tear families apart. Many people may improperly utilize
anger to express themselves and to get what they want. Showing your anger can be a powerful and destructive
approach to communication if used in this way. During this course, we will not focus on how to avoid being
angry. Instead, we will focus on being aware of your angry feelings, understand why you feel this way, and then
decide how you will choose to respond.
Hello, my name is ___ and I have an anger problem
As cliché as it sounds, the first step is admitting that you may have a problem with controlling your anger and
possibly violent behavior. Once you have accepted that you have a problem, then you are ready to begin
working to improve it. This does not mean that you have to announce to your friends or family that you have an
anger issue or share this with a group of complete strangers with the same issue. However, it is imperative that
you be honest with yourself and identify that you have an anger problem. If you are unable to do this, this
program will not be effective.
The high cost of not managing your anger
One way to look at the importance of managing your anger is to consider if it is easier to change your behavior
or repair relationships. Once you have acted in an angry way toward another it may be difficult to repair your
relationship. It is likely much easier to stick to an anger management plan, and work to change how you
respond to be more appropriate, than to attempt to mend a damaged relationship.
Is this a quick fix?
The short answer is no. Managing your anger takes much focus, reflection, and determination. Simply
completing this course will not "solve" your anger problems. Anger can only be managed by understanding your
feelings and following specific processes that we will outline throughout this program. If you take the time to
read the material provided in this program, apply the techniques to your life, and move forward with a
commitment to improving your anger problems, you can make tremendous self-improvements. This is no
simple task, but can be very rewarding if you stick to it. You will encounter certain situations that will seem
easier after implementing the techniques in this program and there will be other times that it may be extremely
difficult.
You don't know why I'm angry
You're right. Only you know why you have angry feelings and why you react the way you do. This program is
not meant to solve your specific problems. This program is instead intended to help you understand proven
strategies for how to identify and classify your feelings and provide suggestions and a framework for how to
react in a way that you have carefully considered.
Anger awareness
In the last section we learned about what anger is. Now, we can attempt to apply that knowledge to our own
thoughts and feelings so that we can be more aware of our anger. This begins with general self-awareness.
How do others see me?
Have you received feedback from co-workers, friends, roommates, or family about your reactions to certain
situations? Were you surprised by their comments?
You know yourself better than anyone, right? Well, because you are accustomed to your own behaviors it may
be hard to identify when your reactions seem to be "angry" to others. It can be difficult to hear, but listen to
what others are telling you about your behavior. They are likely giving you this feedback because they care
about you and want you to change for the better, or at least be aware of how they perceive your behavior.
You can change!
The good news is that no one but yourself causes you to react in an angry manner. You are in control of how
you respond to situations, and no one else! It is easy to blame others for how you react to particular situations
because they frustrate you. It is also common to hear people indicate that they were mad or angry because of
something that happened. Just because something bad or disappointing happened does not mean that an angry
reaction is warranted.
Self-awareness
Coming to terms with the fact that you need to change your behavior can be one of the hardest parts of
managing your anger. We can become conscious of ourselves through developing self-awareness. Self-
awareness is the ability to be aware of your own self. This can be more difficult than it sounds, especially when
attempting to make yourself aware of angry experiences in the moment. Later in the course we will introduce
you to the concept of using an anger journal which can be an effective way at analyzing the past. The more
difficult approach is to work to identify your anger in real time and make a decision about how best to respond.
Many times we respond to certain situations without fully understanding and analyzing what we are about to do.
Becoming more self-aware requires desire and concentration. You must force yourself to think things through in
detail rather than simply letting things happen.
The third-party perspective
When one has reached the ultimate level of self-awareness, one is able to view things not only from their own
perspective but also from the potential perspective of others. An individual would be able to place themselves in
someone else's shoes and understand how what they are doing is seen and interpreted by others. That can be
very difficult while experiencing certain emotions
Awareness & decisions
It seems like common sense that if you are unaware of what's happening around you and how you are
responding, then things will just happen automatically. The natural response to anger is aggressive behavior.
You can change this by becoming more aware of your thoughts. Concentrate on becoming aware of your
thoughts and feelings and you can change how you decide to respond. How you respond to situations is up to
you. The more you are aware of yourself, and your feelings, the better decisions you will likely make. We will
cover this in detail in the Anger Journal Section.
Remember: Experiencing angry feelings is not the problem, it's how you choose to respond to that anger that
can be the problem. Only you are in control and responsible for how you react to these feelings.
Awareness of physical cues
Becoming aware of angry feelings is only part of the equation. Your body will also give you signs that you are
beginning to become angry. Below are some examples of these signals:
 Becoming Tense: you may feel your body stiffen or tighten up
 Sweating: you may begin either slightly or profusely releasing sweat
 Headache: you may develop a minor or major headache
 Heart Rate: your heart rate may increase noticeably
 Feeling Flush: you may feel light-headed or dizzy
These and other physical symptoms may give you cues that angry feelings are beginning to build and help you
become even more aware of yourself.
Self-awareness techniques
There are several techniques that can be utilized to help one become more aware. Below are some examples:
 Take some "me time": Intentionally tune out your responsibilities and stresses. It may be helpful to
schedule this "me time" so that it is not something that you pass up unintentionally during busy days.
The "me time" can be spent doing whatever you'd like such as exercise, sports, reading, a hobby, etc.
The idea here is to separate yourself from what is causing you to become stressed or angry and return to
the problem feeling renewed.
 Change your perspective: this technique normally involves changing your setting or surroundings from
the ordinary. Try sitting in a different spot than you normally do or go somewhere you've never been
before.
  Laugh: try interacting with people that are humorous and try to find the lighter side of situations.
Laughing can have tremendous positive impacts on how you view things and can give you a much
needed release.
 Reflect: take some time to think about how you have reacted to certain situations. You should reflect on
interactions that you felt were both positive and negative. This can help you to identify what you are
proud of and what you can improve.
What makes me angry?
Different things make different people angry. This answer is usually exclusive to any individual. It can be
helpful to identify what your core beliefs are and from what perspective you see the world. Your beliefs and
perspective can change over time, however most angry feelings likely stem from these things. Religious, family,
cultural, and moral beliefs can play a significant role in what may make you angry.
Approaches to dealing with anger
There are three primary approaches when dealing with anger. They are as follows:
1. Suppressing: suspend or suppress the anger. This is usually done so that one can have some time to
process. This can yield several results such as; letting something go and forgetting about it, shifting
focus to something else entirely, or bottling your anger internally. It is important to note that continually
not releasing or dealing with anger can result in physical health problems stemming from something
continuing to bother you. This can happen if you are not truly letting something go.
2. Expressing: express your anger. This involves one expressing anger in a number of different ways. For
example, expression could simply be a discussion about why you are angry. However, this could also be
yelling, hitting, or other violent behaviors. This type of reaction may be good for you, but not always for
others. You may feel better, but everyone else has to deal with the repercussions.
3. Managing: manage your anger. In this type of approach, you are neither suppressing nor expressing your
anger. First, you are identifying that you are angry (which is normal) and then you make a well thought-
out decision about how best to respond. Managing your anger is the main goal here.
Understanding violence
Violence occurs when someone is causing harm to someone else through an emotional, verbal, or physical
attack. Violence usually escalates along a continuum of behaviors. An example of a violence continuum is laid
out and described below:
Showing Discourtesy/Disrespect >>> Yelling/Name Calling >>> Physical Presence >>> Grabbing/Pushing >>>
Physical Aggression
Showing Discourtesy/Disrespect: intentionally not communicating with others by ignoring what they are saying
and/or not responding to them in a respectful manner.
Yelling/Verbal Abuse: raising one's voice or verbally insulting another by using derogatory descriptions or name
calling
Physical Presence: utilizing one's body to intimidate or create a path of resistance or intentional barrier such as
blocking a door way
Grabbing/Pushing: forcefully touching another in a manner meant to intimidate or restrict movement or utilizing
physical movements to shove
Physical Aggression: inflicting physical harm on a person and/or causing damage to surroundings or objects
Characteristics of people with anger problems
Below are common characteristics of those with anger problems. Analyzing yourself and asking others if they
believe you exhibit these characteristics may help you identify your areas for improvement.
 Constantly Feeling Mad, Tense, Frustrated, or Stressed Out
 Judgmental of Others
 Allow Others to Hurt You Physically or Emotionally
 Vulnerable
 Perfectionist/Egocentric
 Selfish/Possessive
 Jealous of Others
 Transferring Blame to Others
 Poor Communication Skills
 Afraid to Share Your Anger with Others
 Wants to or Hurts Others
 Abuses Drugs and/or Alcohol
 Feeling Hopeless
 Out of Control with Anger
 Angry Feelings Eating You Up Inside
Which of the above characteristics apply to you? Do multiple characteristics seem to apply?
Are you unsure which ones apply to you? If so, engage others to get their feedback so that you can identify
where your issues lie and what you should focus on to improve.
Degrees of anger
There are varying degrees or levels of angry feelings. These can range from feeling slight frustration to intense
rage. Throughout this program we will be using an Angry Feelings Scale to help in identifying varying levels of
anger. You can see this scale below:
Level of Feeling / Actual Feeling
 1 / Frustrated
 2 / Annoyed
 3 / Angry
  4 / Very Angry
 5 / Enraged
Level 1: feeling frustrated
Frustration is a feeling associated with being upset or agitated. This feeling, like all angry feelings, is normally
the result of an angry thought. A feeling of frustration can occur when your expectations, wants or needs are not
being met. This is considered a mild level of feeling on the scale and usually does not result in changes in
behavior. This can be a fairly common feeling of anger if you are experiencing stress and/or anxiety.
Level 2: feeling annoyed
Feeling annoyed would be categorized as beginning to have real feelings commonly associated with anger. You
may begin to start reacting to people and things around you in a negative way, however your decision-making
skills may remain intact and you are likely in control of your reactions to situations.
Level 3: feeling angry
Others are starting to notice that you are not yourself. You are feeling mad about someone or something and you
are starting to not be able to make good decisions. Things may easily set you off. You may try to hide how you
are truly feeling even though this may be obvious to others.
Level 4: feeling very angry
You are becoming unreasonable and will likely take some action which can include emotionally or physically
hurting others. Verbal abuse including yelling and name-calling is a common reaction to this level of angry
feeling
Level 5: feeling enraged
You have stopped thinking rationally and are focused only on taking action to stop the angry feelings. You are
likely a danger to those around you including yourself.
Rage is the most extreme expression of anger. Growth Central, a leader in Anger Management education, sub-
categorizes rage into five types:
1. Survival Rage: this type of rage occurs during situations such as domestic violence and invasion.
2. Abandonment Rage: this type of rage can occur when you are becoming separated from another.
3. Impotent Rage: this type of rage occurs when one feels like they don't have any control.
4. Shame Rage: this type of rage occurs when one feels disrespected.
5. Seething Rage: this can be the most dangerous type of rage and is commonly seen with mass shootings
when one feels isolated and/or marginalized.
Assessing your level of anger
Determining your level of anger can be a very healthy and necessary exercise for those dealing with anger
issues. Assigning a level of anger to feelings can help you to analyze what has occurred in the past. This can
lead to identification of how you are feeling the next time anger is experienced. The ability to do this is the key
to managing your anger. It is nearly impossible to eliminate angry feelings, however responding thoughtfully to
your angry feelings is key.
Anger assessment activity (10-15 min)
Take about 10 minutes and write down specific circumstances in your life which led to angry feelings. If
possible, provide at least one example for each level of anger:
1. Frustrated
2. Annoyed
3. Angry
4. Very Angry
5. Enraged
Once you have completed this activity, click the next button below.
Tracking your anger
The most important tool used by almost all anger management programs is an anger journal. Keeping an anger
journal can help you to identify and reflect on how you are responding to anger. This tool will allow you to
focus on yourself rather than others. It will also help you further understand the difference between "feelings"
and "reactions". Anger always stems from a feeling and you can choose how to respond to that feeling. Utilizing
an anger journal to track reactions is similar to how someone wanting to create a financial budget may track
income and spending to understand how, when, and why money is being received and spent.
Keeping an anger journal
When keeping an anger journal, you will track:
1. When an event occurs
2. What the circumstances were
3. Your angry thoughts
4. Your feelings
5. Your reaction
Tracking an event
When tracking an event, you will want to record the date that the event occurred for reference. You will also
want to describe the situation in as much detail as you can.
For example, the situation may be "My friend promised to pick me up from work at 5:00 and did not show up
until 5:45." This should simply describe the circumstance.
Now you will elaborate and describe your angry feelings. For example, you may write "My friend doesn't care
about me and only cares about herself." for your angry feeling stemming from the event.
Your feelings
Next you will need to attempt to measure your level of feelings that were provoked. We will use the same
"Angry Feelings Scale" we learned about in the previous section to record these measurements in number form.
The scale will be from 1 to 5, with 1 being frustration and 5 being extreme anger.
Angry Feeling Scale (Level of Feeling / Actual Feeling):
 1 / Frustrated
 2 / Annoyed
 3 / Angry
 4 / Very Angry
 5 / Enraged
Recording your level of angry feelings will help you to be aware of how the event has made you feel and will
lead the way to how you may decide to react. Remember that it is OK to feel angry.
Your reaction
Ultimately, others will see your anger culminate as only the behavior. So, logging how your thoughts made you
feel and how you behaved will help you better understand what type of process should be followed in your
mind so that a potential immediate reaction can instead be a contemplated response.
To complete a journal entry you will need to attempt to measure your level of reaction. We will use an "Angry
Behavior Scale" to record these measurements in number form. The scale will be from 1 to 5, with 1 being
frustration and 5 being extreme anger.
Angry Behavior Scale (Level of behavior / Actual behavior):
 1 / Intentionally silent
 2 / Yelling or name calling
 3 / Physical presence
 4 / Grabbing or pushing
 5 / Physical destruction
Recording your level of angry behavior will help you to be aware of how your angry thoughts and feelings
showed to others.
Anger journal example
Below is an example of how an event can be logged:

Date: 2/8

Event: My friend promised to pick me up from work at 5:00 and did not show up until 5:45.

Thoughts: My friend doesn't care about me and only cares about herself.
Feelings (1-5): 3 Behavior (1-5): 2

Anger journal activity | 20–30 minutes

This is a personal growth exercise. You are not required to submit a copy of your anger journal.
Download the below Anger Journal Worksheet. Take the next 20 to 30 minutes and reflect on at least five
situations that occurred over the past day or two that made you angry. Document these situations by completing
the anger journal. After you have completed the activity, please advance to the next page.
Download the Anger Management Journal Worksheet

Having trouble opening the worksheet?

The anger management journal worksheet is provided as a PDF document and can be opened using Adobe
Reader or any application that supports the PDF file format. Adobe Reader can be downloaded for free
at https://get.adobe.com/reader/.
Anger journal | Activity reflection
This activity should have helped you begin or improve your ability to become aware of circumstances that have
led to angry feelings, and how you reacted. As you are taking this journey in attempting to better manage your
anger, it is recommended that you regularly utilize an anger journal and reflect on your entries. Through the
honest use of this log, you should eventually and more quickly be able to wisely react to angry feelings.
The importance of keeping a journal
Most anger management specialists agree that overcoming anger problems is nearly impossible without going
through the process of keeping a journal. It is important to document not only what you believe to be good
responses to anger, but also bad reactions. Your anger journal is a private place where you can document what
has occurred and then later review it once you have calmed down. It is also important to mention that you do
not have to document events when they actually happen though it is recommended that you complete your entry
fairly soon after. If you are unable to document any angry feelings, and your response to these feelings, then you
are likely not being honest with yourself. All of us feel angry from time to time. When reading entries at a later
time it is important to reflect on how you responded and think through how you may do things differently the
next time. This process of evaluating your reactions to angry feelings is essential to improving how you manage
your anger.
Thinking
We have all learned how to think from our upbringing and our surroundings. Our thought process was
developed with the help of our parents and guardians, friends, family, teachers, mentors, our surroundings, and
society as a whole. Each of these influencers have helped us to shape the way we think about the world,
ourselves, and others today. It is likely that you have never considered that the way you think is potentially
damaging, and certainly not dysfunctional, but this may very well be the case.
In this section of the program we will explore different types of dysfunctional thinking along with the healthy
alternative. It will take some serious effort to honestly look at the way you think as dysfunctional.
All-or-nothing thinking
All-Or-Nothing Dysfunctional Thinking: With this type of thinking you may see things as only good or bad, or
black or white. An example of this would be "My job sucks". Sure, our jobs can seem undesirable at times, but
there are reasons we go to work each day; we get paid, we feel needed, we use our skills, etc.
Healthy Alternative: Rather than viewing things as all-or-nothing, it is much more useful to look at things from
a more global perspective. It is OK for certain things to not be "black or white", but grey instead.
Overgeneralization
Overgeneralization Dysfunctional Thinking: Overgeneralization is similar to "all-or-nothing" thinking in that
you think in absolute terms. However, in this type of thinking you may come to a premature conclusion based
on limited experiences or information. For example, you may have a rude interaction with a male and come to
the conclusion that all males are jerks.
Healthy Alternative: Instead of coming to quick conclusions, it is recommended that you allow yourself to
gather more than just initial information before forming a conclusion. It is also helpful to consider the fact that
your opinions or thoughts about someone or something may evolve over time.
Mind-reading
Mind-reading Dysfunctional Thinking: With this type of thinking you believe you know exactly what someone
else thinks without receiving any information from the party in question. You may also expect others to know
what you are thinking or want without communicating it.
Healthy Alternative: Before coming to a conclusion about what someone believes ask him or her. Don't assume
you know what someone else is thinking or that they know what you are thinking.
Catastrophizing
Catastrophizing Dysfunctional Thinking: This is thinking that is quite extreme. You always expect things to turn
out horribly catastrophic. For example, if you are scared of being on a plane you may think that you are going to
actually die if you get on the plane.
Healthy Alternative: Rather than thinking the absolute worst of a potential situation, thoroughly analyze what
may occur including realistic and positive outcomes.

Chain reaction
Chain Reaction Dysfunctional Thinking: This is similar to catastrophizing thinking, but instead one bad thing
leads to a progressively worse result. For example, you may think that not passing a test, will lead to failing a
class, which will lead to being kicked out of school, and finally you will not be able to get a decent job.
Healthy Alternative: Instead of thinking in this manner, try focusing on only one thing at a time. Just because
one bad thing happens doesn't mean that another will.
What ifs...
What ifs Dysfunctional Thinking: With this type of thinking you may ask questions to yourself about things that
could happen in the future. These are usually questions that will result in answers you won't be happy with.
Healthy Alternative: Don't pose such questions to yourself. Instead, focus on what is actually happening;
sometimes dealing with that is hard enough!
Shoulds
Shoulds Dysfunctional Thinking: This thinking style applies when you believe that you AND everyone else
should behave in a certain manner. Shoulds can force us to dwell on the past and not on the present.
Healthy Alternative: First of all, try not to focus on what others should do. Also, focusing on what you should
have done when it is already in the past will not do any good. Instead, focus on the present.
Filtering
Filtering Dysfunctional Thinking: This style of thinking causes you to filter out, and then focus on negative
details, while completely ignoring positive elements.
Healthy Alternative: Focus on the positive stuff, too. It's OK to identify the negative things as long as those
aren't the only things you dwell on.
Maximizing / minimizing
Maximizing and Minimizing Dysfunctional Thinking: this type of thinking results in you blowing up your
problems and significantly reducing positive qualities all at once.
Healthy Alternative: Try to weigh the positives and negatives equally. Beating yourself up by focusing on your
negatives can have devastating results and easily lead to anger.
Blaming
Blaming Dysfunctional Thinking: this can occur when you blame yourself for something that is completely out
of your control.
Healthy Alternative: You can certainly only control what you can control. A common religious saying illustrates
this perfectly: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things
I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Jumping to conclusions
Dysfunctional Thinking
With this type of thinking you may make illogical assumptions because you believe something lead to
something else. For example, you may believe that John crashed his car into your car because the two of you
had a fight earlier, when the two may be totally unrelated.
Healthy Alternative
Rather than jumping to conclusions try to check out and confirm your assumptions. They may sometimes be
accurate, but surely not always.
Always right
Always Right Dysfunctional Thinking: in this style you have a hard time believing that you could possibly be
wrong regardless of the circumstances. You may exhibit a great deal of effort to prove that someone else is
wrong just so that you appear correct even if you are in fact wrong.
Healthy Alternative: Come to grips with the fact that you are NOT always right. Try processing the potential
that you may be wrong when discussing things with others. This concept may feel very uncomfortable at first,
but will yield great results when working with others, especially for close relationships.
Relaxation and mindfulness
In many situations we can lead ourselves towards angry thoughts and feelings and away from positive thoughts
and responses. Simple meditative and relaxation techniques can help to bring us to a much calmer state. These
exercises can be utilized before feelings of stress, anxiety, or anger and can also be used in response to
situations that result in these emotions. These techniques have been shown to improve mindfulness and create
feelings of harmony and calmness allowing one to better manage anger and respond appropriately to angry
feelings.
Relaxation techniques
On the following pages, we will try some self-soothing meditative techniques.
If you have never tried these types of relaxation techniques before, they may seem silly or cheesy, however if
you give them a genuine try you will likely find that they can have a remarkable impact on your ability to
remain calm and respond better to stress, anxiety, and anger. The goal is to create an awareness of yourself and
your surroundings and shift your focus away from your angry feelings.
Reaching a meditative or relaxed state involves focusing your attention on one thing like an activity or an
object. You are basically training yourself to be aware of yourself and your surroundings. In addition to
reducing stress and anxiety, and ultimately angry feelings, creating this state of mindfulness should result in an
improved ability to observe what's around you and should allow you to let go of most everything including
negative thoughts of others.
Deep breathing activity | 5 minutes
We will now take five minutes and try one such meditative technique. Please follow the steps below:
1. Close your eyes
2. Breath in and out while concentrating on the air flowing in and out of your nostrils
Deep breathing exercise reflection
Did this work? Did this create a sense of calmness?
By concentrating on just breathing—the air flowing in and out of your nose, you may have been able to feel a
sense of calmness. This may have made you feel sleepy, relaxed, and/or peaceful. This exercise can do wonders
for calming you down when you are beginning to have angry thoughts.
If you found it difficult to stop your mind from racing, this is completely normal. Hit the previous button, and
try it again. It takes practice!
Deliberate walking activity | 10 minutes
Let's try another technique. Take ten minutes and follow these steps:
1. Stand up and face forward
2. Focus on the bottom of your feet
3. Walk 20 steps while concentrating on the feeling on the bottom of your feet
4. Turn around
5. Walk another 20 steps while concentrating on the feeling on the bottom of your feet
Repeat as necessary
Deliberate walking activity reflection
Did this work? Did this create a sense of harmony?
This is a great activity that can be done almost anywhere without others knowing that you are engaging in a
relaxation technique. A walk down the hall, down the street, or in a stairwell should all work.
Not all techniques work the same for everyone, however this approach is fairly helpful to most. Click the
previous button below if you'd like to try it again.
Advanced soft belly exercise | 15 minutes
1. Sit down in a chair
2. Cross your legs and sit back comfortably
3. Recognize how your body feels to be sitting—your legs and back against the chair
4. Close your eyes
5. Begin to breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth
6. Imagine your diaphragm and pay attention to how it rises and falls with your breaths
7. Allow your belly to be and feel soft
8. If necessary, place your hand on your diaphragm to better feel its motion as you breathe
9. Think about how relaxed you feel
10. Bring your attention back to how soft your belly feels as you breathe
11. Notice any tension in your body and allow your breath to go to that place and remove the tension
Take 15 minutes to complete this exercise.
Advanced soft belly exercise reflection
Were you able to release tension in your body once you reached the last step of the exercise? This activity has
been shown very effective in creating a real sense of calm.
If this exercise did not work as intended for you, try it again by clicking the previous button and completing the
steps.
More relaxation techniques
When you experience an angry thought that results in angry feelings, try to utilize these exercises. Below are
some additional techniques that may also work well:
1. Body Relaxation: Breathing from the diaphragm and bring your attention fully from one part of your
body to another until your entire body feels relaxed.
2. Meditation: Breath while focusing on one object and nothing else.
3. Focus on Positive Feelings: Focus on feelings like love, gratitude, and happiness.
4. Focus on Sounds: Focus on a sound nearest you and then gradually on sounds farther away
5. Take a Calming Shower or a Bath
6. Memorize and Internally Recite a Calming Statement or Poem
7. Take a "Time Out": try decreasing your anger by removing yourself from a situation by changing your
environment. Something as simple as taking a walk, listening to music, and/or exercising can be
effective.
Optimism
Optimism is an easy concept to understand; have a positive outlook on your circumstances.
You've certainly heard the question before: is the glass half-empty or half-full? Well, approaching the glass as
half-full could make a big difference in how often you experience angry thoughts and the potential angry
reactions we are trying to eliminate or modify.
People that tend to have a positive perspective, rather than a negative one, may be able to better respond to
situations. Generally speaking, positive thinking accompanies optimism. Positive thinking can lead to less stress
and fewer angry thoughts.
Ignore the bad stuff?
So, should you just ignore the bad stuff that happens and act like everything is OK? Absolutely not!
It is important to not sweep the bad things under the rug. However, approaching these bad situations with a
good attitude (as opposed to a bad one) will allow you to react in a more positive and productive way. This may
also help prevent you from jumping to negative conclusions about what may happen next.
Self-talk
You may be asking yourself; how do I become more positive? Well, this must come from within. Experts refer
to self-talk as the thoughts that are constantly going through our heads throughout the day. Concentrate on your
thoughts and try to keep them positive. The more negative your self-talk, the more likely you will act
pessimistically, increasing your chances of reacting in an angry fashion. The more positive your self-talk, the
more likely you will respond more positively and appropriately to bad and good situations.
Self-talk exercise
Let's take some time practicing positive self-talk by following these steps:
1. Become aware of your internal thoughts or self-talk.
2. Set a timer for 120 seconds
3. Close your eyes
4. Try to think only positive thoughts for the next two minutes
Did you find it hard to have nothing but positive thoughts? Did two minutes seem like a lot of time? Do you
think this exercise could be put into place to generate positive thoughts and self-talk during a normal day?
Thinking the best of others
Having a positive view of others is also a powerful way to change how you respond to certain situations. When
we encounter bad or difficult situations brought on by others, it is easy to rush to judgment and even believe that
the other party did things intentionally or acted maliciously. Instead, give others the benefit of the doubt. This
can be helpful even if the other person involved was intentionally acting in a malevolent fashion. Being
empathetic to others is the key. On the next several pages, we will discuss empathy and how this can alter your
potential responses for the better.
Empathy
Empathy is the ability to recognize emotions being experienced by another. This allows you to share in how
someone else may be feeling or what they may be thinking. Empathy involves being able to experience other's
feelings without needing to be given a detailed and thorough description of how the other party is undergoing
something.
Cognitive empathy
Cognitive empathy, or "Theory of Mind", is the capacity to comprehend someone else's mental state. This is
conscious analysis of what you believe to be going through someone else's mind at a given time. This type of
empathy allows one to spontaneously take on someone else's psychological perspective, whether that person is
real or fictional.
Emotional empathy
Emotional empathy is the ability to respond appropriately to someone else's thoughts and feelings. This type of
empathy goes beyond simply understanding how someone feels and results in an emotional response that
someone else is seeking or expects. Emotional empathy may result in an outpour of sympathy and compassion
for others. However, this type of empathy can lead to feelings of discomfort and anxiety.
Empathy and compassion
So, as you can see, empathy can lead to feeling sympathy and compassion for others. These feelings can help
you consider another's perspective so that you are focused on more than just yourself. This compassion can be a
powerful tool in helping to limit angry feelings when faced with certain situations.
Empathy and anger
It all comes down to this; empathizing with others can lead to less angry feelings.
Several studies have concluded that the better one's ability to understand someone else's perspective, the less
angry one is in response to a provocation. Basically, this means that if you know how someone else is feeling,
you are less likely to respond in an angry fashion if they or others involved were to provoke you.

Effective communication
Much of the angry feelings we experience can stem from poor communication or could at least be reduced
through effective communication. This can include things we have said, or haven't said, or the way we've said
things.
Almost all relationships, whether professional or personal, are built upon communication. Therefore, effective
communication is the key to successful relationships.
In this section we will present some strategies on how more effective communication can be achieved.
Assertive communication
Use assertive communication strategies. It is important to express how you feel. Do this by stating clearly what
you want or what you want to communicate. Be honest! If you do not share your feelings it can lead to extreme
frustration which may sometimes be avoidable. You must carefully consider how your communication will be
interpreted and keep in mind that sometimes how you deliver your message may be more important than the
message itself. Also, you must demonstrate good and attentive listening behavior. If you want someone to listen
to what you are saying, then you must show that you are doing the same.
Express yourself
Do not keep your feelings bottled up because you don't want to upset someone, especially if it's important to
you. Keeping these things inside can be more dangerous in the end. If it's an important conversation then
rehearsing the interaction may be helpful. Eye contact and body language are also essential.
Attempt to keep your emotions in check during the discussion and stick to the topic at hand. Emotions can get
in the way of delivering your message and will likely cause the other party to shut down and not participate, or
worse, get angry. Being relaxed when delivering your message is essential. Remember that it is difficult to be
angry or anxious and relaxed at the same time. Therefore, relaxation techniques, like those we discussed earlier
in the course, may help you to relay your message more effectively.
Body language
Body language is a key to effective communication. Body language include gestures, movements, and facial
expressions. Body language is sometimes referred to as nonverbal communication. This is a good way to think
of it; it is how you are communicating without the use of words.
Have you ever listened to someone and didn't believe a word they were saying or received a mixed signal? Or
noticed how differently something someone said seems different when it's in written form? That's because of
ineffective nonverbal communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say!
Using body language as part of your strategy for effectively communicating can help you to connect
meaningfully with others and make certain you are expressing exactly what you would like relayed. This can
also help you to improve relationships with others. It isn't easy to concentrate and be aware of your body
language while you are communicating with others. It takes practice and careful attention.
Body language strategies
First and foremost, be yourself. Acting unnatural when trying to implement these strategies can have a worse
impact than not trying to improve these things at all. Don't force it! Using body language techniques that make
you feel strange will surely show to the recipient(s) of your message. It is also a good idea to see how your body
language looks. You can do this by speaking into a mirror. By doing this regularly, you should be able to
identify what you look like when experiencing different emotions such as anxiety, anger, and joy.
Gestures are a key part of body language. Gestures can include "a thumbs up", "okay sign", open hands, closed
hands/arms, etc. Use appropriate gestures to emphasize important points or to get the attention of the recipient.
You will want to make sure the gestures you choose to use are not threatening or too frequent as this can distract
others away from the discussion. It is also a good idea to acknowledge others through slight gesturing when you
notice that they are listening to you. Others will show you they are listening by responding to what you are
saying through small gestures, head nodding/shaking, reciprocal movements, etc.
Facial expressions can be particularly effective in getting how you are feeling across to your audience. Focus on
showing awareness through the use of soft and gentle facial expressions. Facial expressions that show negativity
like a frown, a scrunched up forehead, or raised eyebrows should be avoided.
Utilize general guidelines for good posture. Keep your shoulders raised and sit or stand straight up. Nervous
habits like touching your face, biting your nails, etc. should be avoided.
How we speak
How we are actually speaking words can make a big difference in how others "hear" our message.
The tone that we utilize when communicating often says more than the words themselves. The tone that we use
relays how we are feeling about what we are saying. It is possible to say the same exact words in various ways
which result in a variety of interpretations. It is also important to know that what someone hears in another's
tone is almost always accurate. Tone is rarely misinterpreted. This can be very helpful when listening to how
others are responding to you. If someone is responding to you in a negative fashion, and you are unsure as to
why, take some time to consider what tone you may have used and if this lead to this type of reaction.
Volume is understood as the loudness of how you are speaking to someone else. Volume can range from a
whisper to screaming and yelling. After tone, this is one of the most important elements of verbal
communication. Have you ever given up on a conversation because someone was yelling at you? Loud volume
can lead us to shut down and tune out conversations or may even cause us to become defensive or aggressive
when responding. Try to utilize a volume loud enough so that the recipient can hear you, but not too loud as to
intimidate or distract the person away from the message you are trying to deliver.

Effective communication strategies | speaking

When speaking
1. Establish and keep eye contact.
2. Make sure your verbal and nonverbal communications are aligned.
3. Be honest and direct.
 4. Request feedback. Solicit a response.
Effective communication strategies | listening
When listening
Face the person who is speaking and make eye contact.
Show that you are hearing what he/she is saying. This can be done by nodding or verbally acknowledging what
you are hearing.
Repeat back what you heard. This will help confirm that the message you received is what he/she was
attempting to relay.
Ask questions to better understand or clarify what was said.
Listening vs. responding
We've just covered some proven strategies for listening. In many conversations, the speaker may simply want to
voice something and may not be interested in hearing a potential solution from you, the listener. It is a good idea
to follow the recommendations laid out on the previous page and only present solutions to the speaker's
problems when they are directly solicited. Instead, utilize phrases which show you hear what the speaker is
saying along with statements relaying empathy or sympathy for what the speaker is experiencing.
Communication exercise | use a mirror
Think of a conversation you've been wanting to have with someone. The more difficult you believe the
conversation will be, the better. Now, stand or sit in front of a mirror and begin the conversation with yourself.
Note: You will need to role play as if you are also the other party.
(Take 15 minutes or longer to complete this exercise)
What did you notice about yourself when speaking into the mirror? Did the way you looked while speaking
catch you by surprise? What will you change when actually having this conversation? Words? Body language?
Communication exercise | using video
Think of a conversation you've been wanting to have with someone. After getting the other party's permission,
video tape it.
After the conversation is over watch the tape by yourself.
What did you notice about yourself when speaking? Tone of voice? Volume?
Did the way you looked while speaking catch you by surprise?
What will you change when actually having this conversation? Words? Body language?
Now, watch the video with the other participant.
Ask for feedback about how they felt when you were communicating? What suggestions do they have for you?
Are their recommendations surprising? Did you both see things differently when watching the video?
(Take 15 minutes or longer to complete this exercise)
Anger and conflict
Conflict is defined as coming into collision or disagreement. So basically, conflict is when one disagrees or
opposes another. When one experiences conflict, it is commonly accompanied with a variety of emotions,
including anger. Conflict is all around us and can be witnessed at home, work, and in the media.
Conflict is normal
As with anger, conflict is common and will occur with any healthy relationship. No two people have the same
opinions and beliefs, so conflict is unavoidable.
Resolving conflict for all
Resolving conflict for all; this can be difficult. We defined conflict earlier as a disagreement of some sort. The
desire to resolve the conflict must come from within. Though hard, one must focus on creating a solution for all
involved. This type of approach requires that one understand the other's needs and their perspective. It will also
be important to recognize your individual differences. Understanding these differences is essential to finding a
solution agreeable to all parties. One must also be open to changing one's position or opinion based on what
information is shared. Focus on the problem, not the person!
Turn problems into solutions
After you've decided to focus on the problem at hand, rather than the other person, it is now time to change your
point of view. Focus on what can be done to solve the problem at hand rather than focusing on how bad the
problem is. You will likely feel better about the situation after you've decided to make the best of things and
work towards a mutually agreeable solution. Here's the deal; there are no "winners" or "losers" with this
approach, so this means that you cannot focus on who is wrong or right. Instead, view each issue as a challenge,
not unlike a crossword or jigsaw puzzle. Work on it long enough together and you can put together a resolution.
The process of learning how to find this solution is about learning. Learning how to deal with this problem, and
problems that will present themselves after, will lead to success in dealing with conflict resolution.
Conflict and empathy
Empathy is identifying with the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. Using empathy during times of
conflict can help one to develop an openness with another which can help the conflict subside. Empathy allows
all parties to consider how others are feeling about something and what their needs may be. Showing empathy
requires active listening which helps the other party feel like they are being understood.
Examples of empathetic statements include:
 "I am so sorry that this happened."
 "I am sorry to hear that."
 "I understand what you're feeling right now."
 "I imagine this must be very frustrating."
 "You must be feeling pretty frustrated."
 "I can see why you are so frustrated."
 "I can understand why this makes you feel upset."
The point of using empathetic statements is to acknowledge the other party's feelings and relay that you
understand why or how they are feeling. By doing this, you are not necessarily agreeing with their viewpoint or
their opinion, but instead validating their feelings. This can help to ease tensions and resolve conflict, allowing a
healthy conversation to begin.
Being assertive
It seems odd that one recommendation to resolve conflict is to be assertive. Most people associate assertiveness
with aggression and conflict, but when assertiveness is utilized appropriately, it can actually help to resolve
conflict. The main goal of being assertive is not to be polite, but instead is to clearly state your opinion without
creating a defensive reaction from the other party. This can be achieved by using what are called "I" statements.
This is where you talk about how you feel about a particular situation. Examples include:
 "When this happens, I feel..."
 "I do not like it when..."
 "I would prefer if"
 "The way I see it..."
These types of statements will not fix the problem or result in immediate agreement on a particular topic. They
are simply meant to be a way to begin a healthy and meaningful conversation about something. They are also a
way for you to express how you feel about a certain circumstance.
Positive possibilities
All parties will need to work towards positive possibilities to resolve the conflict at hand. This involves
positively re-framing discussions that are heading in a negative direction.
Instead of...
 "This won't work.", say "How could this work?"
 "This is the only way.", say "How else could this work?"
 "This is a disaster.", say "What could make this better?"
You may have noticed that the above negative statements did not create opportunities for conversation.
However, when turned into an open-ended question it solicits involvement from all parties. You are basically
creating a puzzle, and the answers may have positive results. You will see the power of this approach when put
into practice.

Willingness to resolve
You should ask yourself, "Why is this situation making me angry?" and "Am I willing to try and resolve the
situation?" For a situation to be resolved, all parties must be willing to "give something up" when negotiating or
problem-solving a potential solution. If you are unwilling to be open-minded when considering someone else's
perspective or are unwilling to concede even minor items, then resolution may be unlikely. Ask yourself these
questions when evaluating options with all parties:
 Did we identify our common ground?
  Did we discuss creative options?
 Did we clearly agree on a potential approach?
 Is the resolution "win/win" for all parties involved?
 Does the resolution meet all parties' needs?
What is being mindful?
Being mindful is intentionally paying attention. It seems like a simple enough concept, but we are not built to
pay such close attention to things and then be mindful of our actions. When attempting to manage anger, being
aware of what is happening is not enough; we must be mindful of how we decide to respond.
Mindfulness example
Have you ever read a book for a few pages and realize you have no idea what you just read? Or maybe read the
same paragraph several times without comprehending any of it? That would be a great example of not being
mindful. Alternatively, if you are paying closer attention you may be able to follow the story and tie what you
are reading into plot lines and reference the information later in the story.
Being actively mindful
A key element of being mindful is continuing to do so actively. This requires that you focus on one thought,
then the next, and the next. This is what is meant by being actively mindful. Losing this step-by-step focus will
lead to an inability to remain mindful and you will ultimately lose focus.
Intention and mindfulness
One is not mindful simply for the sake of being mindful. Being mindful normally originates from a specific
reason. This reason is known as intent. Focus will be easier once you have a goal in mind. So, if your intent is to
be empathetic, then your mind would be focused most on trying to understand others and relate to them before
all else from moment to moment.
Intention activity | 5 minutes
Take five minutes and write down some examples of what you would consider as intention.
For example: I intend to be positive.
When you have written out your intentions, click the next button below:

Intention activity reflection

Was it hard to think of an intention and put it in writing? Pick one of your intentions and put it into practice.
Underline or highlight your main intention and focus on carrying this out for a full day. You will find that
focusing directly on your intent will make it more possible. You may also find it challenging, especially when
your mind wanders. Like everything else, practice makes perfect.
Living in the moment
One of the main purposes of practicing mindfulness is to learn how to live in the moment and in a healthy way.
If you feel yourself getting angry, and if you are practicing mindfulness, you may be able to respond in an
appropriate way by basically running through a real-time anger journal entry. If you can focus on your intent,
you can respond the way that compliments what you are focused on. You can also identify when you need to
take a "time out" to calm down and then return to the situation when you feel you can respond well to the
situation.
Taking a time out
Time outs are often associated with misbehaving children. Parents often utilize time outs as a strategy for
disciplining children. Time outs can also be used to self-address situations when you begin to feel angry feelings
and thoughts develop. There are varying levels of time outs. For example, you may feel it necessary to
completely changing settings by going to another room or by stepping outside. In other cases you may just need
to close your eyes for several moments or take some deep breaths. Using these easy strategies for removing
yourself from a situation or taking a quick breather can help you to respond to anger and express yourself well.
Resources
This section contains information for various public and private entities that may be good resources for those
striving to manage anger.
Local social service agencies
2-1-1
2-1-1 provides free and confidential information and referrals. Call 2-1-1 for help with food, housing,
employment, health care, counseling and more. You can also visit their website to find information about your
local 2-1-1.
http://211.org/
https://twitter.com/211us

Mental health help

American Psychological Association (APA)
The mission of APA is to advance the creation, communication and application of psychological knowledge to
benefit society and improve people's lives.
http://www.apa.org/
https://www.facebook.com/AmericanPsychologicalAssociation
https://twitter.com/APA
1-800-374-2721
MentalHealth.gov
MentalHealth.gov provides one-stop access to U.S. government mental health and mental health problems
information.
http://www.mentalhealth.gov/
http://www.facebook.com/Mentalhealth.gov
https://twitter.com/MentalHealthGov
National Institute of Mental Health
NIMH envisions a world in which mental illnesses are prevented and cured.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/
https://www.facebook.com/nimhgov
https://twitter.com/NIMHgov
1-866-615-6464
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention hotline available
to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
http://www.facebook.com/800273TALK
https://twitter.com/800273TALK
1-800-273-8255
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)
SAMHSA is the agency within the US Department of Health and Human Services that leads public health
efforts to advance the behavioral health of the nation. SAMHSA's mission is to reduce the impact of substance
abuse and mental illness on America's communities.
http://www.samhsa.gov/
http://www.facebook.com/samhsa
https://twitter.com/samhsagov
1-877-726-4727

Substance/alcohol abuse help

Alcoholics Anonymous
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with
each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.
http://www.aa.org/
Narcotics Anonymous
Narcotics Anonymous is a global, community-based organization with a multi-lingual and multicultural
membership that offers recovery from the effects of addiction through working a twelve-step program,
including regular attendance at group meetings.
http://www.na.org/
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)
SAMHSA is the agency within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services that leads public-health
efforts to advance the behavioral health of the nation. SAMHSA's mission is to reduce the impact of substance
abuse and mental illness on America's communities.
http://www.samhsa.gov/
https://twitter.com/samhsagov
1-877-726-4727
Violence help
9-1-1
If you believe you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 for local emergency assistance.
National Child Abuse Hotline (Childhelp)
Childhelp is a leading national non-profit organization dedicated to helping victims of child abuse and neglect.
http://www.childhelp.org/
http://www.facebook.com/childhelp
https://twitter.com/childhelp
1-800-422-4453
Safe Horizon
Safe Horizon's mission is to provide support, prevent violence, and promote justice for victims, their families
and communities.
http://www.safehorizon.org/
https://www.facebook.com/SafeHorizonNY
https://twitter.com/safehorizon
1-800-621-4673
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH)
NDVH provides lifesaving tools and immediate support to enable victims to find safety and live lives free of
abuse. Callers to the hotline at can expect highly trained experienced advocates to offer compassionate support,
crisis intervention information and referral services.
http://www.thehotline.org/
https://twitter.com/ndvh
1-800-799-7233
US Department of Justice: Listing of State Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalitions
https://www.justice.gov/ovw/local-resources
US Department of Justice: Office on Violence Against Women
The mission of the Office on Violence Against Women (OVW), a component of the US Department of Justice,
is to provide federal leadership in developing the nation's capacity to reduce violence against women and
administer justice for and strengthen services to victims of domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault,
and stalking.
https://www.justice.gov/ovw
1-202-307-6026
Managing anger every day
We have covered a lot of material in this program. Now it's time to put it into practice and change how we live.
Remember, there is no easy way to fix anger or change our behavior. There is no quick fix or short cut.
Identifying your anger and then responding appropriately takes a great deal of effort; effort that never stops.
In this section we are going to provide a review and expansion on what solutions you may be able to utilize to
manage your anger and hopefully feel better about yourself and improve your relationships.
Manage your anger
We learned about three primary approaches when dealing with anger. They are as follows:
1. Suppressing: suspend or suppress the anger.
2. Expressing: express your anger.
3. Managing: manage your anger.
You already know that expressing your anger can often result in major issues for you and those you care about.
And suppressing your anger can cause your feelings to boil over.
Always go with #3!

Respond, don't react

It's easy to have a reaction to a situation that begins with angry thoughts and feelings. What is difficult and
necessary is to identify your angry thoughts and feelings and then decide how you will respond, rather than
react. You are in control of how you respond.
Think back to the anger journal exercise. I'm sure if you were able to identify the angry feelings during the
situations that occurred, you could have improved the final result or behavior.
It is essential that the circumstance which caused anger be segmented into the items from the anger journal:
 Date
 Event
 Thoughts
 Feelings
 Behavior – this is where you have the opportunity for this to be a RESPONSE rather than a REACTION
Before responding consider:
 Your goals and how they fit into this particular situation
 The big picture
 Consequences of your actions
 Your response options
Be aware
Become aware of how you are feeling and what you are thinking when an angry event occurs. Awareness is the
key to managing your anger. Take some time away from the situation if necessary and determine what you may
need to do to be OK.
Identify your angry thoughts so you know where your anger stems from.
Remember that angry thoughts may lead to physical reactions such as stiffness, headaches, sweating, increased
heartbeat, etc.
Measure your level of angry feelings and then respond.
Relax
Relaxing can be key in bringing thoughts and feelings from negative and cynical to more positive and
constructive. Utilizing relaxation techniques, like the ones covered in this program, can help to create a relaxed
state. Becoming relaxed will improve your ability to be mindful of your circumstances and how you may decide
to respond to these situations.
Think positively
Having a positive outlook on your circumstances will allow you to respond better to a variety of situations.
Remember to not ignore the bad stuff; the key is to approach these problems with an attitude that's positive.
Become aware of your "self-talk" and concentrate on making it optimistic.
Using empathy and compassion when thinking and communicating with others will help you to achieve your
anger management goals.
Communicate effectively
Use assertive communication strategies. You must carefully consider how your communication will be
interpreted and sometimes how you deliver your message may be more important than the message itself.
Do not keep your feelings bottled up because you don't want to upset someone, especially if it's important to
you. Keeping these things inside can be more dangerous in the end. If it's an important conversation then
rehearsing the interaction may be helpful. Eye contact and body language are also essential.
Attempt to keep your emotions in check during the discussion and stick to the topic at hand. Emotions can get
in the way of delivering your message and will likely cause the other party to shut down and not participate, or
worse, get angry.
Resolve conflict
Keep in mind that conflict cannot be avoided. You will disagree with others and this is normal and healthy.
Work with others to turn the problems into solutions. Be assertive and use empathy when working towards
solutions. Stay positive, be flexible, and decide to resolve the conflict willingly.