EXT.

PARKING LOT OF CONDEMNED CLUB “THE SLAMMER” - NIGHT

Darkness. A distant engine SCREECHES in the snowstorm. JULIAN

startles awake, gasping for air.

CLICK. CLICK, CLICK. A frenzied salvo of clicks, each one

faster and more intense. On the twelfth, his lighter ignites.
The slashed neon “O” of a NO SMOKING sign halos his comb-
over. He glares at the circle, cracking his neck.

Running in a pair of ruby slippers, CARLY stops and catches

her breath beneath a streetlamp.

Julian double-takes. Seeing her again, he burns his left

palm, dropping the lighter into a gutter. MUTTERING words
starting with the fourteenth letter of the alphabet into his
virgin cigarette, he rises up.

JULIAN
Got a lig—

COUGH. Blood. He knocks a brown-bagged bottle back and to the

left, drowning the metallic taste in his mouth. Improv.

JULIAN
Tastes just like it did last
Sunday. Stolen...

He borrows two more diagonal mouthfuls of the communion wine.

JULIAN
Lent. He told me, take it. N-never
said to give it back. Anyway, I
should go. You probably have work
to do. You look like a... working
girl. N-no offense, but this isn’t
working out. Let’s stay strangers.
It’s n-not you, it’s me. You’re
very n-nice and... Good. Please
don’t cry. So anyway, (COUGH) you
got a light?

SILENCE. As the blizzard rages, Julian wipes the sweat from

his forehead. He surveys the frozen parking lot for an
audience that never came. Carly is hypnotized by the cars
passing by, her slender neck adorned with a jewelry store
worth of pearl beads.

CARLY
Are you talkin’ to me?

JULIAN
Oh, n-no. N-not me.
 2.

CARLY
Must be a ghost.

That set bombed. SNAPPING while racking his brain for an

excuse, he remembers the burnt hand in his left pocket and
points it through his jacket into the light.

JULIAN
Put your... hands... up?

Carly freezes. On her shoulder swings a checkered purse.

Sticking out of it is a wooden baseball bat. She LAUGHS at
his short cigarette.

JULIAN
Think this is a joke?

CARLY
I don’t think at all.

She LAUGHS HARDER.

JULIAN
H- (HICCUPS) Hands up! On three.

Carly fingers her baseball bat, too-perfect platinum blonde

hair whirling.

CARLY
Whaddaya want, an autograph?

JULIAN
One.

CARLY
Or a kiss?

JULIAN
Two.

CARLY
Not that. Please, anythin’ but
that...

She reaches for the sky. The moon looms above the level
horizon.

CARLY
Go ahead. Shoot.

JULIAN
Three. (GULPS)

Carly lowers her hands to fix her hair.

 3.

CARLY
Keep it down! Just get my good
side.

Julian scrutinizes his cracked reflection in the ice.

JULIAN
Least you have a good side.

CARLY
Everybody’s got a good side.

JULIAN
Hand it over.

CARLY
Hand what over?

JULIAN
You know... The thing. The things
women drag around and keep their
money in.

Julian SNAPS repeatedly, looking for the word. She runway-

walks back and forth while twirling her baseball bat in a
circle, striking a pose for every snap.

CARLY
Oh. Ah, men?

JULIAN
(taking another swig)
Bless you. N-never met another
person with Tourette’s before.

CARLY
Shouldn’t ya save some for the
bachelor party?

JULIAN
My life is a bachelor party.

CARLY
Figures the paparazzi found me
here. Hard to hide when your face
is on all the posters...

She winks at the cigarette billboard poking forty-five

degrees out of the dumpster behind the scorched club:
“QUINN’S—THEY’RE SMOKIN’ HOT!”

JULIAN
Yeah, I know the feeling.
 4.

Julian COUGHS. Carly tightens her pose.

CARLY
How much longer?

He biopsies the blood he coughed up into his hand.

JULIAN
Two, four months, tops.

CARLY
I dunno if I can hold this position
that long, mister.

JULIAN
Try this. Works for me.

He pours some wine down her throat as she postures against

the streetlight, just like the advertisement.

CARLY
(spitting it out)
Tastes like piss.

JULIAN
A model philosopher.

CARLY
But what are you?

JULIAN
I’m, uh... Flying solo.

CARLY
Freelance? So you’re just a guy
with a camera?

JULIAN
Just a guy.

CARLY
You remind me of... (LAUGH)
Nobody.

JULIAN
N-nobody’s perfect.

A phone RINGS.

MUSIC CUE: “I Don’t Want To Set The World On Fire” by Allison

Young

CARLY
That’s him! Hold my purse.
 5.

JULIAN
N-no problem, ma’am. Oh yeah...

Julian steals the purse and SNAPS. Carly poses again.

JULIAN
This is a robbery!

CARLY
Nah, I got it on sale.

His arms struggle to hold up the triangular Birkin.

JULIAN
What you keep in here, love
letters?

She turns off her phone. 9213 unread messages.

END MUSIC CUE

CARLY
I’m... goin’ away for a while.

He blinks at the neon lights still searing the words "THE

SLAMMER" above a barricaded door to nowhere.

JULIAN
That’s what the judge told me.

An engine RUMBLES as Carly slips away, SCREAMING.

Awkwardly carrying the wine bottle and purse as he is pelted

with snow, Julian WHISTLES Rod Stewart’s rendition of “As
Time Goes By.”

Carly turns around, extends her right arm, and grabs his
fried hand. Julian SHRIEKS in pain.

CARLY
Calm down! I gots an idea. Hit me.

Julian hands her the wine bottle and raises his fist in the
light, then stops.

JULIAN
Buy you dinner first?

CARLY
What were you gonna get for the
shots? I’ll give ya double.

Julian downs another two swigs of wine and gives Carly back
her bottle.
 6.

JULIAN
Shots, huh?

CARLY
You’d shoot a girl but not hit her?

Confused, he pantomimes at the empty parking lot.

JULIAN
Can I ask the audience?

CARLY
I’m beggin’ ya. He’ll have to
reschedule.

JULIAN
Reschedule what?

CARLY
The wedding, dummy!

JULIAN
Wedding? We just met.

Carly takes Julian’s fist and rehearses it hitting her in the

chin.

CARLY
He loves my chin. The perv.

JULIAN
Creeps like that should be hanging
from the ceiling.

The engine ROARS louder.

CARLY
Oh my God! That’s his car!

Julian raises his fist again, slamming it into his bad palm
and recoiling.

JULIAN
Okay. One condition.

Carly starts unzipping her nightgown. Julian zips it back up

and shakes his head.

JULIAN
A match.

CARLY
A MATCH?
 7.

JULIAN
I asked you first!

A freight truck hurtles past. False alarm.

CARLY
Now! If he sees us, we’re dead!
The papers’ll print you shot
yourself three times in the back of
the head and fell down the stairs
and landed in a bathtub full of
battery acid.

JULIAN
Make that two matches...

Carly searches Julian’s purse for a match and hands it over.

CARLY
Sorry. Last one.

Julian lights his cigarette and inhales. A CARCINOGENIC SIGH.

His twitching stops. He flicks the extinguished match towards
the comedy club and walks away with the purse.

JULIAN
You owe me!

He gestures toward himself with the lit cigarette and lights

his late uncle’s suit jacket on fire.

CARLY
Fine. Go!

She sacrifices some wine on the jacket to extinguish the

fire, but the flames get bigger.

JULIAN
That’s my breakfast!

CARLY
And keep the purse!

Julian strips off his smoking suit jacket.

JULIAN
I’m n-never robbing you again.

CARLY
You’re the... (counting on fingers)
second worst photographer I ever
met.
 8.

Julian stomps out the flaming jacket with his hand-me-down

shoes. He puts it back on and dusts off the yellow snow.

JULIAN
Photographer?

Carly buttons up his medium-rare suit jacket.

CARLY
If you wanted a match, why not just
ask for...

JULIAN
Men can’t just say what they’re
thinking! Society would burn down,
until there was n-nothing left but
ashes, like a...

Julian SNAPS with his cigaretted fingers while searching for

the right word.

JULIAN
Like a...

Carly YAWNS. Julian flips the purse over, spills the

accessories, and rummages for a lighter. He tosses over his
shoulder a pair of mint reading glasses, two black hairbands,
a water bottle. He stops. A singed ticket: THE SLAMMER COMEDY
HOUR—ADMIT ONE, dated eleven years ago. He stifles a regal
chuckle.

CARLY
That laugh...

Carly picks up the black hairbands and ties two pigtails.

Julian takes another sacrament from her wine bottle.

JULIAN
I don’t laugh. (COUGH) Too
dangerous.

CARLY
But where...

He picks up a cigarette that fell out of her purse.

JULIAN
Cigarette?

Carly looks both ways before using it to point to the NO

SMOKING sign.

CARLY
Didn’t ya see the sign?
 9.

JULIAN
Why do you think I started?

Carly pulls Julian under the streetlight and lights her

cigarette off his. His skin is covered in third-degree burns.
GASPING, she caresses his charred cheek. He rips her hand
away and sees a golden bat-shaped engagement ring.

CARLY
Jay!

He stares at the ring around her finger.

JULIAN
I told you, Carly. Those damn
things will kill you.

Carly studies her cigarette.

CARLY
I wish.

Jay blows a ring of his own.

JULIAN
Careful what you wish for.

CARLY
You wish for eleven years in
solitary?

Jay examines his melted face with the mirror in Carly’s

purse. His right cheek is smeared with red lipstick.

JULIAN
Just a dime and change. Gave me a
head-start on my autobiography.

She embraces him, pulling him under the steamy red light.

CARLY
Biography? I never knew you liked
animals!

He bites the filter off his cigarette and spits it over his
shoulder.

JULIAN
But it still needs a title...

Carly’s vermilion lips quiver.

CARLY
I thought you was a goner!
 10.

JULIAN
They don’t give the death penalty
for fourth-degree arson, Carly.
The government saves that for real
crimes. Like tax evasion.

CARLY
Felt a lot hotter than four
degrees...

JULIAN
Not as hot as you, sex muffin.

He snatches the cigarette from her mouth, takes a puff of

both at once from the same hand, throws them away, and kisses
her.

CARLY
There’s still time. We could go
away. Far away. Paris or Fiji or
Detroit!

JULIAN
The past is the past. You can’t un-
smoke a cigarette.

Jay sighs, exhaling a cloud of soot. Carly tries to tear off

her engagement ring. Stuck.

CARLY
We could... Fu--!

He covers her mouth.

JULIAN
Watch your language, Carly Quinn.
There could be kids listening.

Carly removes his hand and absentmindedly places it on her

belly.

A limousine speeds out of a downtown tunnel, headlights

illuminating Jay and Carly like a searchlight. Plate reading
WAYNE, hood ornamented with a silver vampire bat, the blacked-
out limo drifts into nine reserved parking spaces. The eight-
spoked wheels leave a trail of burnt rubber on the frost.

An antique chauffeur, ALFRED, steps out, hobbles to the back

of the limousine, and opens the door. Jay and Carly wait for
someone, anyone to get out. Suddenly, Carly feels breathing
down her neck.

WAYNE (O.S.)
You run fast for a streetwalker.
 11.

WAYNE looks nocturnal with his pale glow-in-the-dark skin and

flat-topped black sunglasses, leather gloves, wedding bowtie
and puffy shirt. A blue flower decorates his lapel.

His short hair is pomaded above his Roman nose and pointed
ears and tailored tuxedo worth more than the world. The air
grows colder. The icy wind blows Wayne’s cape in Jay’s face.

JULIAN
Nice outfit. Where do I know you
from, the blood bank?

WAYNE
(deadpan)
Laughing out loud.

JULIAN
Why so serious?

WAYNE
(to Alfred)
I told you she would be here.

ALFRED
You must be Gotham’s finest
detective.

Carly punches Wayne in the chest. He doesn’t notice.

CARLY
You had me followed!

WAYNE
Protected.

ALFRED
Do you know the etymology of
bridegroom?

WAYNE
No, but that’s never stopped you
from telling me before.

ALFRED
Old English. A portmanteau of bryd,
the word for bride, and guma,
meaning man. Or hero.

WAYNE
Which one am I?

ALFRED
Hopefully not the bride, sir.
 12.

WAYNE
Conduct yourself to Gotham City
Cathedral; assure all thirty three
hundred guests that we shall arrive
momentarily.

ALFRED
I’ll do it one-on-one. And you?

WAYNE
Unfinished business. Won’t take
long.

Wayne rolls up his sleeve. 6:31 AM. The man of the hour is
wearing an entire armful of gold watches, each set to a
different time zone. He removes one, sets an alarm, and
clasps it around Alfred’s ankle. TICK, TICK, TICK.

WAYNE
Be back in six minutes... Exactly.

ALFRED
Indeed, Master Wayne.

Alfred returns to the limousine and drives away.

Wayne embraces Carly. She shivers. Struggling to escape

Wayne’s clutches, Carly gazes into Jay’s eyes and points to
her cheek.

WAYNE
(in Carly’s ear)
What are you doing out so late?
Beside a burnt-down... bordello?

Jay stares at the ruins of The Slammer.

JULIAN
Gentleman’s club.

Wayne GRUNTS unintelligibly, rubbing his eyes beneath his

sunglasses. Carly breaks free and rubs the lipstick off Jay’s
face. She caresses his nose, turning it bright red.

WAYNE
You’re no gentleman.

JULIAN
And you are?

Wayne offers Jay a gloved handshake but sees his blackened

palm and recoils.
 13.

WAYNE
Firstborn of the late Thomas Wayne,
world-renowned philanthropist and
chief executive officer of Wayne
Enterprises, whose subsidiaries
include but are not limited to:
Wayne Biotech; Wayne Entertainment;
Wayne Security; and Wayne
Timepieces, “Customers come first,
Wayne counts the seconds”; Bruce
Thomas...

Jay COUGHS. Wayne begins again.

WAYNE
Excuse you. As I was saying,
firstborn of the late Thomas Wayne,
world-renowned philanthropist and
chief executive officer of Wayne
Enterprises, whose subsidiaries
include but are not limited to:
Wayne Biotech; Wayne Entertainment;
Wayne Security; and Wayne
Timepieces, “Customers come first,
Wayne counts the seconds”; Bruce
Thomas...

Wayne extends Jay a Wayne-brand business card.

WAYNE
Way—

Jay COUGHS again. Wayne rips the business card in three.

WAYNE
Say goodnight to the clown,
Quinnie.

JULIAN
“Quinnie”?

Carly SIGHS and makes a gun gesture with her pointer finger
in her mouth.

CARLY
Quinnie.

WAYNE
That two hundred and twenty-five
thousand plus import fees Matte
crocodile Birkin! You stole it!

Jay picks his cigarette back up and takes a drag.

 14.

JULIAN
Does it make me look fat?

WAYNE
Never...

Wayne caresses Quinnie’s cheek. She quakes.

WAYNE
Never touch our property.

JULIAN
It matches your eyes!

Jay hurls the purse at Wayne, but he vanishes in the cloud of

secondhand smoke.

WAYNE (O.S.)
Not the purse.

Jay turns around. Wayne is KISSING Quinnie’s chin.

JULIAN
You paying her by the lip?

Wayne pokes Jay’s chest with a gloved hand. He peers down

through designer sunglasses, handing the purse back to Carly.

WAYNE
Watch your own mouth in front of my
fiancée before I turn this wedding
into a funeral.

Jay shoves Wayne’s finger away and snatches back his wine
bottle from Carly.

JULIAN
You’re already wearing black.

WAYNE
And what are you wearing? Hunt that
yourself?

JULIAN
It was my uncle Ted’s...

WAYNE
Is something burning?

Wayne points at the NO SMOKING sign. The law is the law. Jay
hides his cigarette behind his back.

WAYNE
Put out that cigarette.
 15.

Jay clenches his fist.

JULIAN
What did you say?

WAYNE
A Wayne never demands anything
twice.

JULIAN
(fuming)
Come and take it.

Carly turns away, covering her eyes. Wayne rescues the

cigarette from Jay’s mouth and breaks it in two. Jay backs
up, steps forward, and rolls up his own sleeves, holding the
wine bottle at a right angle in his microphone hand.

JULIAN
N-

Wayne lowers his sunglasses.

CARLY
Jay, no!

Carly picks up the second cigarette Jay threw away and sticks
it in his mouth to shut him up. Jay lights it off the other
and inhales.

JULIAN
Now you listen to me, you cross-
dressing mortgage-backed
security—the only thing in life
your daddy didn’t give you is a Y
chromosome.

WAYNE
Shut him up.

Jay takes another drag.

JULIAN
Thank you, thank you. Good to be
here tonight in this empty parking
lot of an ongoing crime scene
during a blizzard. And the Gotham
City Laundromat called, they said
to come pick up your funds.

He takes another drag and starts speaking faster. More

intense.
 16.

WAYNE
Shut him up!

JULIAN
Tough crowd. Cool cape, Brucie, but
Drag Queen Story Hour was last
week. N-not that there’s anything
wrong with that... And speaking of
people who are in the ground by
thirty-five, your parents are so
dead, undertakers ask if you’re
single! Any single ladies in the
audience? Single ladies?

Wayne puts Carly’s right hand down. Jay spits out a cigarette
stub.

JULIAN
Seriously, Bruce Wayne is so rich,
the last time he cashed a check,
the teller gave him a paper bag and
a ski mask...

Carly giggles.

JULIAN
Sounds like we got a bank robber
here tonight. You know, I always
wanted to rob a bank. My uncle Ted
used to tell me, “Robbing banks is
an art... Most people are only in
it for the money.”

Wayne rolls up his sleeve, gold watches glinting beneath the

streetlight. TICKING. Still looking at the ruins of his old
gentleman’s club to the south, Jay holds Carly’s hand.

JULIAN
Sunglasses at night... Some people
don’t know this, but Mr. Wayne
found his way here via
echolocation. Going out in that
getup, you better be blind! Am I
right?

TICK. 6:35. The sound reverberates through the pagan

pavilions of Gotham City as Jay offers the wine bottle to
Wayne.

JULIAN
What are you, some kind of bat-m...
 17.

Wayne smothers a cigarette butt beneath his alligator leather

shoe as his shadow takes the bottle and raises it over his
head.

SMASH. Carly gasps. The other cigarette flies from Jay’s big
mouth.

The wine baptizes Jay’s hair green. He falls for the second
time, saturated, blood and wine dripping down his cheeks. The
comedian collapses face-first on the curb beneath the red
streetlight, busting his lips.

CARLY
Jay!

Wayne checks his watches. 6:36.

WAYNE
WHERE IS IT?

The limousine honks as it pulls up alongside Jay’s body.

Wayne noses the wine that spilled on his suit.

WAYNE
Smoking Loon...

Alfred steps out of the limousine holding a pressed new

wedding tuxedo. He prepares to return Wayne’s timepiece.

WAYNE
Six seconds early? Would it kill
you—

The alarm sounds.

ALFRED
“To be on time for once?”

Alfred presses the watch’s crown. The infernal beeping stops.

ALFRED
Sorry, sir. I informed the
officiant of your imminent arrival.

WAYNE
That... crook was stealing my
bride’s purse. You saw him.

Wayne holds out his hands. Alfred puts on a fresh pair of

black leather gloves.

WAYNE
He was coming right for us.
 18.

The butler buttons up Wayne’s new suit as he analyzes Jay’s

mangled body. Wayne admires the fabric.

WAYNE
Impeccable stitching. Vicuna? Where
did you get it?

ALFRED
“Gotham City Laundromat.”

The red streetlight flickers on Carly’s face.

CARLY
I can’t... Can’t just leave him
like this!

WAYNE
Maybe you can’t, but we can.

ALFRED
Royal we, Master Wayne?

WAYNE
If our wedding guests wait any
longer, we’ll never work in
Hollywood again. Not with our
clothes on.

CARLY
Bruce... Bruce, I think he’s...

WAYNE
Done committing crimes for the
night.

CARLY
He’s not moving... Is he...

WAYNE
He got what he deserved. You’re
seeing things again, Quinnie.

He pulls out a Wayne Biotech-branded needle from his breast

pocket and flicks it twice with a black-gloved hand.

WAYNE
This is what happens...

He squeezes the plunger with a blank expression as a

sulfurous substance drips, eating through the snow.

WAYNE
When you don’t take your meds.
 19.

Carly SLAPS Wayne, his sunglasses shattering on the September

cement, revealing a pair of beady pink eyes. Her fishnet
gloves leave a chessboard on his face. The blow ECHOES
through the smoky air.

WAYNE
I held up my end of the deal...

Wayne puts his watch hand on Carly’s stomach.

WAYNE
Now it’s your turn.

Quinnie quivers.

WAYNE
Chin up. We both know you would be
face-down in a gutter by now if
Wayne Enterprises had never rescued
you.

Wayne offers a handshake. Carly takes a step forward. He

pulls her into his arms and plunges the needle into a vein,
catching her from behind. Her pupils dilate; she goes limp,
peaceful.

WAYNE
Sleeping beauty.

Alfred dabs the blood off the bridegroom’s cheek with a Wayne-
monogrammed handkerchief, fixes his bowtie and puts a fresh
pair of sunglasses on his face. The old man looks forlornly
at Quinn.

ALFRED
Pardon me, sir, but that film was
about waking the princess up.

Wayne grunts unintelligibly.

WAYNE
If you like movies so much, why
don’t you take the rest of the
night off?

Wayne tears his gold watch off Alfred’s arm and throws it at
the ground, but it ricochets off, undamaged.

ALFRED
Our brand. Indestructible.

WAYNE
You’re relieved.
 20.

Alfred averts his eyes, holds his belfry cap in his hands,
and begins the long walk home.

ALFRED
Yes... Master Wayne.

PATRICE and LOUIS step out of the limousine to investigate

the commotion.

Patrice is an overweight African American in a baseball cap.

He holds his Taurus Raging Judge sideways, but not because
he’s black.

Louis is bald. Louis concealed-carries an MP5 because he has

a small penis. With his bomber jacket and St. Patrick’s Day
sunglasses, he looks like an extra in a FEMA drill.

Louis tilts his head towards Alfred as though asking Wayne if

he should take care of the problem. Wayne holds Louis back.

WAYNE
Quinnie is not feeling well. Armed
guard of color, warm up the
corvette. Baldie, lock her in the
trunk. For her own good.

LOUIS
Baldie? It's pronounced "Loo-wee."
Like a... bird call. Sir. Where are
you going? Mister Wayne? I’m
talkin’ to you. Hello?

Wayne walks away. Patrice touches his earpiece and grumbles.

He hops into the driver’s seat. The vehicle PURRS.

Louis picks up Carly and slings her over his shoulder. Carly
startles awake, WHACKS Louis in the groin with her purse, and
runs to Jay. He vomits blood on his suit jacket.

Dropping the purse, Carly tears off the suit jacket and rips
his shirt open, buttons flying. Wrapping him in her trench
coat, she puts his left arm around her. Without her coat on
we see the anatomically correct heart tattoo on her chest:
CQ+JK.

LOUIS
...teenth. The Fifteenth. The
Sixteenth. Every king in history
was named Louis. Well, all the
Roman numeral ones. Think about it.
I’m ROYALTY. The BLOOD of the GODS
flows through my veins. What are
you, BRUCE? What are you? Nothing.
New money. KNEEL BEFORE FRANC—
 21.

A phone VIBRATES.

Wayne unsheathes a Blackberry from his sleeve. He takes the

call in the back of the limo for privacy, covering his other
ear.

WAYNE (O.S.)
Happy late thirtieth birthday to
you too, Mr. Mayor. Too kind? Over
the phone, you don’t look a day
over twenty-one.

Jay GURGLES.

WAYNE (O.S.)
Better than dying young. Yes, my
father was good. For a rich man...

CARLY
Man?

JULIAN
Bat... (COUGHING up blood) Man.

WAYNE (O.S.)
No, we aren’t worried. Do we sound
worried? Save the worrying for the
photographers.

CARLY
Bad dream?

JULIAN
C... Carly.

WAYNE (O.S.)
Quinnie’s just feeling a bit...
hormonal. Beautiful? She’s a Wayne
now. It runs in the family.

CARLY
What, puddin’?

JULIAN
Come closer. I lo...

WAYNE (O.S.)
Late? Nobody’s late. YOUR CITY has
a lot riding on this, Tony? You
mean OUR CITY.

CARLY
L... luh? Luggage?
 22.

WAYNE (O.S.)
Well you can tell the Lieutenant
that if we’re not at the altar by
dawn, he can scramble an APB!

Carly and Jay kiss. Wayne steps out of the limo, SLAMS the
door, and spikes his phone into the pavement.

JULIAN
Ow, not the lip... (clutching his
groin) Jay doesn’t... feel so good.

CARLY
I owe ya, remember?

Wayne waits for an attendant to bring him another phone, but

nobody comes.

WAYNE
(to Carly)
If you are not in this streetcar in
sixty seconds, I’m marrying your
sister.

Louis is turning red.

LOUIS
... rhymes with dewy. Look at me
when I am speaking to you! I was a
Wayne man for eighteen years.
EIGHTEEN YEARS. That’s 216 months.
A pregnancy is only nine months. I
could have had twenty-four
children. Twenty-four unloving,
aloof, severely disappointing kids.
Instead, I adopted ONE. BRUCE. You
can’t even pronounce my NAME? I got
you a birthday card. I know you can
hear me, BRUCE. SAY IT. SAY MY—

Carly tears off her gloves to feel Jay’s forehead. Up and

down her arms are needle marks.

CARLY
Hold still, my little egg sandwich.
You’re burnin’ up.

She takes the trenchcoat back off.

CARLY
Wake up. Wake up!

Wayne checks his watch.

 23.

WAYNE
Fifteen.

JULIAN
I’ll be onstage in fifteen, Ted.
Alarm didn’t go off. No, I’m not
hung over...

CARLY
C’mon, boo...

JULIAN
Brother in the back keeps booing...
She’s a what? Come say that to my
face, you double n...

Carly covers his mouth, glassy-eyed.

CARLY
This isn’t funny.

JULIAN
I get that a lot.

WAYNE
(slowing down)
Fourteen.

CARLY
Any symptoms?

JULIAN
Headache, nausea, vomiting, suicide
ideation, loose wisdom tooth,
erections lasting longer than seven
inches, and hallucinations of dead
stand-up comics.

CARLY
Seven inches?

JULIAN
Don’t ask me.

Jay gestures at nothing.

JULIAN
Ask Mr. Giraldo.

Carly cradles his head. Her eyeliner is running too.

JULIAN
Carly?
 24.

CARLY
Duh.

JULIAN
I thought I told you (COUGH) not to
cry.

Jay lifts his good fist and nudges her in the chin.

CARLY
Snowflakes... Get up. We can jack
the limo. Blow this joint.

She reaches into her purse’s secret compartment, pulls out a

golden lighter, and wraps Jay’s fingers around it.

CARLY
Come on. Please.

Louis Hancocks “LOUIS” in black marker on an adhesive Wayne-

brand nametag and sticks it to his own forehead.

WAYNE
THIRTEEN!

Jay bounces to his feet without Carly’s help. Patrice removes

his earpiece.

JULIAN
Did you know that thirteen percent
of the population of Gotham City
commits—

WAYNE
QUINNIE, COVER YOUR EARS!

JULIAN
Made you look.

WAYNE
Yes, I’m looking at a racist, a
sexist, and an arsonist!

CARLY
He’s not a sexist!

JULIAN
Quiet, Quinn, the men are talking.

Jay flicks open his new lighter and ignites another

cigarette.

WAYNE
You want to talk? Talk business.
 25.

JULIAN
Carry the nine... Wait, you can’t
put a price on a woman, Wayne.

WAYNE
Yours wasn’t high enough.

JULIAN
She’s a hooker, not a hacienda. We
live in a society.

WAYNE
Maybe you live in a society, but we
live in Gotham!

JULIAN
Speak for yourself. Quinn and I are
moving to a real city. Detroit!

Wayne clears his throat. Unlocking the door, Patrice pockets

a half-eaten double quarter pounder. He burns all of his
calories to get back out of the driver’s seat. Tries again.
Stuck. Louis gives his healthy-at-any-size coworker a hand
and helps him to his feet.

LOUIS
I love you, big man, but you got a
problem.

Patrice crumples up the cheeseburger wrapper and puts a hand

on his Judge.

PATRICE
Yeah, I’m looking at his bald ass
right now.

The limousine trunk POPS. Another guard, MITCH, rolls out,

followed by a cloud of marijuana smoke. A spliff from the
seventies is still between his teeth. He’s wearing aviators,
but only to hide his bloodshot eyes.

MITCH
Patrice, you seen my Model 11?

PATRICE
You lost a SHOTGUN?

MITCH
Temporarily.

PATRICE
Mitchell...
 26.

MITCH
Don’t “Mitchell” me. What are you,
my mom?

PATRICE
No, but I might be your daddy. You
remember the last time you had the
Remy?

MITCH
Man, I can’t even remember my
middle name!

Wayne CLEARS HIS THROAT again, louder. Mitch, Patrice, and

Louis walk to the trunk of the limousine and each retrieve a
briefcase.

WAYNE
Do I hear one million?

Mitch scratches his head with his doobie and thinks for a
moment, remembers, and enters the passcode, 1234.

LOUIS
Damn it, Mitch. I told you to
choose a four-digit integer from
zero to nine thousand nine hundred
and ninety nine, inclusive.

MITCH
I picked one thousand, two hundred,
and thirty... four.

LOUIS
Your continued failure to be dead
astounds me.

Mitch opens the briefcase: one million dollars, hot off the
presses. Wayne offers a handshake.

JULIAN
No deal.

CARLY
I love this show!

WAYNE
One billion?

Patrice unlocks the second briefcase. Inside is a small

remote. He presses the button, and six doors of the limousine
open simultaneously. Piled from ceiling to floor are mint
hundred-dollar bills. Party favors.
 27.

JULIAN
Do you have that in platinum group
metals? (licking lips) I vote
libertarian...

Wayne CRACKS his knuckles. Louis opens his case and hands him
a bat-themed ornamental dagger. Wayne drags the dagger down
the side of the limo like nails on a chalkboard. The paint
scratches off, revealing solid gold.

WAYNE
One TRILLION!

JULIAN
Once you drive it off the lot it
loses half its value.

Jay extends his hand to Carly, burnt palm up. She hesitates.

CARLY
You sure you don’t wanna take that
deal, Jay? (counting on her
fingers) That’s a lotta matches.

JULIAN
I only need one!

WAYNE
Sold.

Wayne throws a matchbook at Jay’s eye. Jay SCREAMS as they

scatter everywhere. He reaches down, opens the matchbox, and
pockets a single one.

WAYNE
Keep the change.

JULIAN
You out of tomatoes?

WAYNE
If we ever have the misfortune of
meeting again, you’re waking up in
a straitjacket.

JULIAN
Kinky.

Wayne WHISTLES. The briefcases SLAM SHUT.

Louis and Patrice point their weapons at Jay. Patrice is

holding his Taurus sideways, but not because he’s black.
 28.

Covered in Gaelic decals, Louis’s MP5 could have been stolen

from a gun show in Rivendell. Mitch continues patting himself
down for his missing Model 11. He points his finger.

JULIAN
Sweet props. Almost had me going
for a second.

BANG. Carly strikes another pose. Louis’s bald head EXPLODES

like a watermelon, Patrice’s favorite food. Mitch giggles.
Wayne kicks away the MP5.

Wayne’s fixer, HICKS, is leaning against the limo with a

Marlboro in his mouth. His heavily used Colt Peacemaker is
smoking too.

Hicks wears a black cowboy hat and spurs. The last time he
smiled, Ronald Reagan was alive. He takes Louis’s place,
careful not to dirty his boots.

Jay tries not to throw up as Louis’s gray matter hopscotches

across the asphalt. Hicks loads a sixth round into his
revolver, spins the cylinder, and returns it to his holster.

HICKS
(to Jay)
You got a big mouth, boy.

CARLY
(trying to read the skull fragment
with the nametag still attached)
Holy shit! He shot Lucas!

WAYNE
There are some problems Wayne
Enterprises can’t solve.
Fortunately, Hicks is an
independent contractor.

Wayne grimaces at what’s his name’s brains.

WAYNE
(whispering to Hicks)
What did we tell you about killing?

HICKS
I’m not your butler, Bruce. I do
this for fun.

Carly pulls out a phone and starts DIALING 911.

WAYNE HICKS
Drop it. We don’t call the police.
 29.

JULIAN MITCH
I didn’t see the sign! Medical marijuana.
PATRICE
Dindu nuffin...

Wayne appears behind her and SNAPS the phone in half.

WAYNE
There’s only one good cop in
Gotham, and he doesn’t answer the
phone.

CARLY
What are we supposed to do, wait
for some vigilante in tights?

WAYNE
Kevlar.

CARLY
Huh?

JULIAN
Let’s go, Carly...

Jay tries to push Wayne aside. Wayne flips Jay on his back by
the arm, stomping on his face like a cigarette butt.

WAYNE
This is all your fault, you
degenerate.

JULIAN
You sound like my public defender.

WAYNE
You think you’re the only person
who had to pay for other people’s
crimes?

JULIAN
Ask “Quinnie.”

WAYNE
Someone has to take care of her.
Defend her. Watch her.

Wayne’s gloved hand traces the silicon skyline as a black

helicopter circles in the fog.
 30.

WAYNE
You see this city. Full of freaks.
Freaks with nothing to lose. Freaks
like you.

JULIAN
There are no freaks like me.

WAYNE
Like the lowlife who made me look
as he killed my... Never again.
Never. Now she’s with us. Safe.
Until death do us part!

JULIAN
You want safe? Try 133 months in
supermax!

WAYNE
You and your “jokes” poisoned her
mind. Wayne developed the cure. So
what if we give Quinnie...

JULIAN
Smack?

WAYNE
Medication. The finest
pharmaceuticals bullion can buy.
She deserves the best. Isn’t that
right, my little heroine?

Wayne strokes her chin. Carly looks at her broken phone.

JULIAN
Laughter is the best medicine.

Wayne checks his watch. 6:48 AM. Hicks polishes his

peacemaker. Carly sits in the limo. Sixty seconds TICK by.

WAYNE
One thing is more important than
jokes. Justice.

JULIAN
What about love?

WAYNE
Love? If love existed in Gotham, it
would get shot in an armed robbery
by noon.

Patrice takes aim at Jay. Hicks puts his quick-draw hand on

his holster. Mitch lost his wallet.
 31.

WAYNE
Lead! That’s what makes the world
go round.

JULIAN
Looks flat to me.

WAYNE
Nobody asked you. And nobody ever
will. You’re an anomaly, a virus, a
clown!

Jay squeezes Wayne’s nose.

JULIAN
Honk honk.

Hicks hides a grin behind his hat. Pretending to go to the

dumpster to throw out his cheeseburger wrapper, Patrice pulls
Mitch aside.

EXT. DUMPSTER BEHIND “THE SLAMMER” - NIGHT

PATRICE
Is you gonna ask, or me?

MITCH
I already asked. He doesn’t smoke.

PATRICE
Not grass, son. Paper. A RAISE!

MITCH
Us cool kids call it GETTING HIGH.

Patrice finishes his cheeseburger. Mitch admires the gnarled

poster of Carly smoking a cigarette.

PATRICE
I got bills. Child support, my ex-
wife’s child support, your mama’s
child support. Times is tough,
Mitchell.

MITCH
Wait, what was that third one?

PATRICE
How much does Wayne pay you an
hour?

Mitch takes a toke.

 32.

MITCH
Pay?

EXT. PARKING LOT OF CONDEMNED CLUB “THE SLAMMER” - NIGHT

Mitch raises his aviators and looks at Wayne with dilated

puppy-dog eyes. Patrice crosses his fingers.

MITCH
So now that you did Louise, do the
rest of us get a, like, raise?

Wayne grunts unintelligibly.

MITCH
Vacation?

Hicks is polishing his peacemaker.

HICKS
Before you go, how about a little
target practice?

Hicks pushes Patrice forward. Patrice GULPS.

HICKS
Why don’t you show these city-
slickers how it’s done in the hood?

A bead of sweat rolls down Patrice’s forehead. Hicks slaps

Patrice in the back while adjusting his horizontal grip.
BANG. Patrice accidentally pops Mitch, sideways. Mitch slumps
over, sunglasses on, blunt still in his mouth.

WAYNE
Wayne Enterprises strives to
streamline payroll expenses;
however, that was uncalled for.

HICKS
This buck here learned a valuable
lesson about trigger discipline.

PATRICE
Yeah, I should have been aiming at
you instead!

HICKS
You challenging me to a duel?
 33.

WAYNE
(to Hicks)
How did you get past human
resources?

HICKS
On the application I bubbled in
Native American.

Wayne slams the limo in frustration. The CAR ALARM goes off,
catching Patrice off-guard. He clutches his heart and drops
dead. Hicks flips Patrice’s face over with his boot. Frowns.

HICKS
You need to hire better help.

WAYNE
At Wayne, we value diversity,
equity, and inclusion.

Carly comes out to see what happened. Jay raises his burnt
hand to speak.

WAYNE
And you are?

JULIAN
Jay K...

WAYNE
Never heard of him.

Jay massages his wisdom tooth through his cheek.

JULIAN
That's the one.

Carly’s baseball bat near the rest of her spilled belongings

is rolling towards Jay. A little closer.

WAYNE
Do you think this... joker is
funny, Quinnie?

Carly is still trying to remove her engagement ring.

CARLY
I do.

Carly looks from the bat to Jay and blushes. Hicks trains his
slug thrower on Jay’s pretty mouth. The desperado scans his
shoulders for backup but realizes he’s the last man standing.

Jay lurches for Carly’s baseball bat.

 34.

He seizes the slugger and hacks at Wayne’s head. Wayne ducks.

The strike sends the limousine’s vampire bat hood ornament
flying. A crowd is forming. Hicks can tell this town ain’t
big enough. He needs more firepower.

Again. Wayne parries the baseball bat with his elbow and
kicks Jay to the ground. Jay and Wayne tumble together onto
the snowy concrete. Hicks still doesn’t have a clear shot.
The cowboy slides over the limousine, trying to reach the
trunk. Jay hops in the passenger side.

INT. WINDOWLESS LIMOUSINE - NIGHT

Jay squeezes over the black velvet seats and vaults down the
aisle, swimming through mountains of money.

Hicks blind-fires at Jay through the limo. BANG, BANG, BANG,

BANG, BANG, BANG. Bulletproof.

Jay pauses at the back of the limousine and kicks up his feet
on a pile of Benjamins. He looks around: an unopened bottle
of Johnnie Walker Black, the Tibetan Book of the Dead, a Hans
Zimmer CD, a half-empty box of sunglasses.

Jay takes a hit of Johnnie and tries on the sunglasses.

Fisheye lenses.

A cabin-integrated TV is playing Good Morning Gotham, a

segment about a double homicide by a man dressed as a clown.

JULIAN
What next, a talking bat?

He turns off the TV by throwing the bottle of whiskey at it

so it CRACKS.

JULIAN
Boring movie anyway.

Jay jumps out a random door.

EXT. PARKING LOT OF CONDEMNED CLUB “THE SLAMMER” - NIGHT

Taking him by surprise, Jay swings at Wayne’s ankle. Wayne

SHOUTS and headbutts him back. Jay restrains Wayne with the
baseball bat around his neck, lowering his head in the door
frame and preparing to slam it shut.

As Hicks CLICKS OPEN the trunk, he pulls out a Model 11

shotgun. Someone must have lost it.
 35.

Letting Wayne go, Jay MOONSHOTS the shotgun out of Hicks’s

hand. That bat goes flying too. Wayne slithers around Jay’s
legs and hides behind Hicks.

WAYNE
It’s not funny anymore.

CARLY
You’re right.

Jay COUGHS up more blood.

JULIAN
It’s hilarious.

Hicks throws the late Patrice’s Taurus to Wayne. Wayne

winces.

WAYNE
We’re taking you in.

JULIAN
On what charge, smoking in public?

Wayne cocks the Judge between Jay’s eyes.

WAYNE
Show’s over.

Jay closes his eyes and gulps. Sweat drips down his nose. His
whole body is shaking. Suddenly his right hand emerges from
his pocket. He’s pointing his index finger at the tip of
Wayne’s gun, trying to plug the hole.

A JOURNALIST in the crowd SNAPS a photograph.

Blinded by the flash, Wayne pulls the trigger.

BANG. Jay slowly opens his left eye. His vision comes back
into focus: on the ground in a snowdrift is Carly’s ruby
slipper. Wayne is massaging the back of his head. More
GUNSHOTS ring out all around the city as paranoid criminals
look at each other and RETURN FIRE. Chaos.

The spouses struggle beneath the red light in the snowstorm,

raising their interlocked arms in the air. BANG. Carly bites
Wayne’s finger. A bullet bounces off the NO SMOKING sign and
decapitates the streetlight.

Jay runs toward Carly. Hicks arrives from the west and
detains Jay in a half nelson, trying to apprehend the bandit.
Carly stares over her shoulder into Jay’s eyes.
 36.

Wayne holds Carly by her ponytail, pointing his gun at Jay.

She slips his grasp and reaches for the revolver. Wayne pulls
the trigger again. Carly winks.

BANG. A new pose. Wayne looks in his hand. A wig. He turns

around. Blood stains the bench. More graffiti. Carly
crumples. Right in the chin.

Hicks unhands Jay and mournfully removes his hat.

Jay runs over and sinks to his knees in front of what used to
be Carly Quinn. Pearls are rolling everywhere. A river of
crimson dyes his oversized shoes red.

The cigarette slips from his mouth, melting through the ice.
For the first time in eleven years, Jay LAUGHS.

Stepping over the mess, Wayne stares at the murder weapon in

his right hand, horrified. He unfastens his now soiled cape
and lets it blow away.

Wayne drops his revolver into the dumpster with Carly’s

billboard and throws away his dirtied gloves. Jay grapples
Wayne into the arched back door. Hicks knows better than to
shoot into melee. The barricaded old wood crumbles as the
archenemies plunge inside with two KNOCKS.

INT. RUINS OF THE SLAMMER - DAYBREAK

Splinters SHRED Jay’s open shirt.

Locked up in what’s left of The Slammer, the jukebox is

blasting Toploader’s “Dancing in the Moonlight” like that
Japanese soldier who thought World War II never ended.
Wayne’s ears perk up.

MUSIC CUE: “Dancing in the Moonlight” by Toploader

WAYNE
What is that?

Wayne throws a punch, but Jay scrambles backwards on hands

and feet. Wayne’s fist slams into a stripper pole. Carly’s.
He recoils in pain.

JULIAN
A cover. Uncle Ted couldn’t afford
the rights.

Jay grabs Wayne’s hands and waltzes with him through the
wreckage. They jump from an overturned chair onto the bar
counter and dance all the way down, kicking off abandoned
shot glasses reeking of decade-old booze.
 37.

JULIAN
You ever dance with the devil in
the pale moonlight?

Wayne breaks free and leaps from a truss to the stage. Jay
takes a shot of bourbon to kill his stage fright and swings
across the gap with a microphone cable. Wayne collapses a mic
stand and pierces Jay in the side. Jay CRIES in agony. The
widower hunts him through the wreckage. Jay tackles Wayne
into the jukebox.

END MUSIC CUE

WAYNE
Tomorrow’s top story on cable
news... Former cigarette model
commits suicide during drug-fueled
brawl with her alcoholic ex-
boyfriend.

JULIAN
Sorry, I don’t watch TV...

Jay lifts a cracked flat-screen television above his head

like a guillotine over Wayne’s throat, preparing to end the
set.

JULIAN
I’m more of a gamer.

WAYNE
Eleven years. Eleven years and you
still don’t... Know. No.

JULIAN
Know what?

WAYNE
You bombed, remember? Well, you
were bombed. Never knew so many
words started with “N”. Bad
publicity.

JULIAN
It’s called art. You wouldn’t get
it.

WAYNE
Your hour-long special was
cancelled. So Wayne Entertainment
had to recoup the loss. Bookies ran
the numbers. Saw the fire
insurance...
 38.

Jay looks at the ashes around him where the dressing room
used to be.

JULIAN
Green room. After the show. Downed
the whole bottle. Cigarette in my
mouth. Fell asleep...

WAYNE
Corporate had security destroy the
surveillance footage. Quinn went
into your dressing room to kiss you
goodnight. She snuffed out your
cigarette.

JULIAN
You?

WAYNE
I made the board members promise.
Evacuate the building first. But
the business needed someone to take
the fall...

Jay SLAMS the television into Wayne’s voice box. The walls
shake. Wayne disappears into the shadows. A bat FLUTTERS.

Jay hides beneath a glass table. Wayne punches through from

above and grabs him by the neck, lifting him off the ground
as moonlight leaks through the ruined roof. Wayne’s voice is
now slow, mutilated.

WAYNE
Do you know how much we were fined?
How much we were sued? As CEO of
Wayne Enterprises, I did what I had
to do. For the company. For the
greater good. For my father...

Wayne’s Swiss watches TICK.

WAYNE
What matters more? A billion-dollar
charity? Or one little whorehouse?

Jay tries to pry off Wayne’s fingers around his neck.

JULIAN
Gentleman’s... club.

WAYNE
If you WERE a gentleman, you would
understand. Natural order. The law
of the jungle.
 39.

If Wayne doesn’t run Gotham,

someone else will. Someone less
MERCIFUL.

Wayne tightens his grip.

WAYNE
Everybody in this city works for
me. Especially if they don’t know
it. The doctors, the police, the
judges, the wind, the moon!

The comedian peeks at the cooked cinema chairs for help.

Empty.

WAYNE
I even bribed the audience to laugh
at your jokes.

Jay throws a punch with his good hand. Wayne catches it in

mid-air, crushing it like an egg and bringing him down on one
knee.

WAYNE
You’re no comedian, you fool.
You’re a punchl—

POW. Jay sucker-punches him with his burnt left hand. Wayne’s
black eye drips as his head ragdolls into a metal table. The
comedian grabs Wayne by the bowtie.

JULIAN
That was for Carly.

Wayne tries to WHISTLE for his guards, but only spit comes
out. He WHISTLES again. Smoking against the limousine, Hicks
spectates through the broken window, ashing a cigarette. He
heard everything.

JULIAN
This is for Uncle Ted!

WHAM. Jay punches him in the other eye. Wayne’s sunglasses

shatter as his skull slams into the brick wall. Two red
streams pour down his forehead like horns. In the busted
lenses Jay contemplates his own broken reflection amid the
night sky. He takes a deep breath.

Jay drops Wayne’s collar. He flexes his burnt hand and

wonders, if hurting people is bad, why did he feel so good?
Wayne keels over in the dust, clutching his busted throat.
His black suit has turned red.

Alfred runs in the fire exit.

 40.

ALFRED
Master Wayne! I almost forgot. If
you get in now, we can still make
it.

Wayne’s voice can’t form the words.

WAYNE
Make what?

ALFRED
The wedding.

The sun rises. 7 AM. Broken shot glasses magnify the light.
Wayne’s Swiss watches RING. Bats fly everywhere. Eleven years
of disrepair turned The Slammer into a life-sized bat house.

Wayne tries to remove all the ringing watches, but through

the cloud of bats, he can’t see. He SMASHES the watches
against the jagged floorboards to stop the NOISE, but it’s no
use. Indestructible.

He LAUGHS madly as the RINGING intensifies, CHOKING on his

own blood. Alfred extends his hand.

WAYNE
Always were my... best man.

ALFRED
This time you walk, I’ll drive!

Wayne picks himself up. Alfred holds his hand to guide him to
the exit. The limousine REVS.

JULIAN
See you around, kid...

The filthy comic staggers out of The Slammer.

EXT. ALLEY BEHIND THE SLAMMER BAR - DAWN

LIEUTENANT GORDON is yelling through a megaphone. He doesn’t

need to turn it on.

GORDON
LIEUTENANT GORDON, GCPD. WE HAVE
YOU SURROUNDED.

Jay stops staring into the sun to absorb its energy and
points to himself as though saying “Who, me?” He grabs
Carly’s baseball bat and darts into a nearby alleyway,
clutching at the wound dripping from his side.
 41.

Two COPS follow with a police dog on a leash. The German

shepherd smells Jay’s blood and BARKS. Jay looks over his
shoulder: a SWAT van. No escape.

The German shepherd breaks the chain the skinny cop was
holding. Jay points towards the stars with Carly’s bat.
Called shot.

A swing and a miss.

JULIAN
You call that a strike?

COPS
Freeze!

The German shepherd charges again, fangs bared, chasing Jay’s

reddened shirt like a bull.

He chokes up. CRACK. Whimpering. Half of the baseball bat

goes flying. Home run.

The fat cop starts handcuffing Jay. CLICK.

JULIAN
Am I being detained?

The cop pistol-whips Jay in the back of the neck.

JULIAN
Uhh, (smoker’s COUGH) I can’t
breathe!

FAT COP
Save it, Bozo.

JULIAN
“Bozo?” Don’t you have any real
criminals to arrest?
I think I smell marij...

MITCH
Get down!

Jay hits the deck. Mitch takes another toke, points his Model
11 at the pig, and balances Gotham’s pension plan. BANG.
BANG. BANG.

Mitch’s wrinkled plaid shirt is torn, revealing a bulletproof

vest. Jay drops into a roll and sweeps the other cop’s leg.

Hicks chokes out the SWAT officer from behind, wrestling for
the USP. He pitches it to Jay, who catches it and inspects
the weapon.
 42.

JULIAN
Hey, copper... You ever shoot one
of these?

The skinny cop grits his teeth as he looks at his dead police
dog.

SKINNY COP
Only at gangsters.

Jay pats Mitch and Hicks on the back.

JULIAN
Then tell these clowns. How do you
like it, sugar?

Jay puts the suppressor barrel in the cop’s mouth and makes
him deepthroat it. He CHOKES.

JULIAN
Quiet?

He removes the gun from the cop’s mouth, UNSCREWS the wet
suppressor and places the gun at the cop’s temple.

JULIAN
Or LOUD?

SKINNY COP
You’re crazy.

JULIAN
Do I look crazy? Come on, it’s
50/50. You can’t even get odds like
that in Vegas.

COP
You think this is some kind of ga—

Jay squats and shoots the cop in the knee. He SCREAMS.

JULIAN
Loud it is!

Mitch readies his Remington for a double-tap.

JULIAN
Hey, we’re crooks, not savages.

Jay pushes the shotgun away.

JULIAN
Besides, you’ll ruin my joke...
 43.

Mitch backs off.

MITCH
Whatever.

JULIAN
Guess he doesn’t like stand-up!

MITCH
We gotta work on your timing.

JULIAN
What are you saying?

MITCH
Ask the piglet.

The skinny cop is reassembling his knee like a jigsaw puzzle

beside his faceless dog.

JULIAN
Are you saying I’m not funny,
Mitch?

Jay SHOOTS Mitch in the heart. Mitch keeps smoking, unfazed.

He’s busy searching for his shotgun. It was here a second
ago...

JULIAN
Bulletproof vest?

MITCH
Yeah, so bulletproof that Patrice
missed.

The sirens WAIL. Federals. A whole state worth. Jay tucks the
silenced USP in the back of Mitch’s pants. Hicks glances at
Jay’s injury bleeding through his shirt, takes ten paces
toward the feds and twirls his revolver.

HICKS
Go! I’ll find you.

Jay spots a fire escape. He and Mitch climb to the rooftops.

EXT. ROOFTOPS - MORNING

Mitch sprints along the ceiling of the apartment complex.

Dead end. His aviators plummet six stories into the litter of
cop cars. A spotlight blinds him as he psychs himself up to
leap across the chasm to the school rooftop.
 44.

Mitch lands on his feet, doobie still in his mouth. He stands

up and dusts himself off.

MITCH
Don’t look down.

A police helicopter hovers. Gordon.

MITCH
Or up!

Jay gets a running start. He doubles over, clutching his rib.

His side is still bleeding. Cops break through the roof
access door with a battering ram.

STATIC. The lieutenant.

GORDON
DEAD OR ALIVE!

MITCH
Jump!

JULIAN
What do you think I am, crazy?

The police OPEN FIRE.

Jay stumbles, falling the third time. He reaches for Mitch

with his cuffed arm. Mitch drops his joint cuffing himself to
Jay, bracing against a brick chimney and trying to pull him
up.

GUNSHOTS. Apparently the police didn’t see the signage.

School is a gun-free zone.

Dangling from Mitch, Jay looks down and sees a stopped school
bus. District 22.

JULIAN
Mitch! Let go!

MITCH
Huh?

Jay swings left and right to make himself harder to hit as

the cops UNLOAD.

JULIAN
LET GO!

MITCH
Now is not the time for Buddhism.
 45.

The bus starts moving. Jay tears off what remains of his
shirt to make a rope. Topless, Jay’s fourth-degree burns
resemble a full body tattoo.

JULIAN
HEY MITCH, YOU GOT A JOINT?

MITCH
Sure thing, boss.

Mitch reaches into his pocket to pull out a small plastic bag
of weed. This is the hand that was holding on to the chimney.

Jay hooks a streetlight with his rope to lessen the fall.

Mitch’s added weight makes the shirt RIP. Green light. Jay
and Mitch land on the bus as it crosses the intersection.
BOUNCE.

EXT. TOP OF SPEEDING BUS - MORNING

The bus is breaking the speed limit. It’s late. Cuffed, the
two criminals lay next to each other in pain, arms and legs
outstretched in a T-pose. Jay nervously opens an eye.

JULIAN
Are we... Are we in Hell?

MITCH
I was promised 72 virgins. This
town ain’t got one!

Jay steadies himself on the roof of the bus and tries to kick
open the hatch, but it’s no use. Standing still on top of the
bus, bankrupt stores and homeless people scroll past. Bending
over to search for his wallet, Mitch ducks a traffic light.

EXT. BUS STOP - DAY

The bus stops. Right across the street from The Slammer. Kids
pile in. Suffering from the munchies, Mitch slides off the
roof of the bus, taking Jay down with him.

JULIAN
No, wait!

Jay lands on top of Mitch in the middle of a crowded

intersection. HONKING. Dizzy, they sit up. A party supplies
truck veers to the right and into oncoming traffic. CRASH.
Balloons and clown masks spill everywhere.

The kids at the bus stop loot the party supplies. Jay shakes
the cuffs, still attached to Mitch.
 46.

JULIAN
Forgetting something?

MITCH
Oh, right.

Mitch offers his new friend a joint. The duo lay back down.
Still horizontal on the asphalt as cars speed over them, Jay
takes the devil’s lettuce with his cuffed hand and swallows
it whole with a CHEF’S KISS.

JULIAN
Gang weed.

MITCH
That’s deep, man.

Mitch looks up. A double-decker bus. Jay bull rushes him onto
the sidewalk. The besties line up in front of the octagonal
stop sign with the other kids. Across the street, the police
are setting up a blockade.

JULIAN
You seen Hicks?

MITCH
Nah. You know, I used to see your
act, boss. I still do, but...

JULIAN
Jay. Act?

Hicks dismounts from a taxi, still reloading his six-shooter.

He doesn’t tip. Let the free market decide. His hat is gone.
A shopping bag with a designer logo is hanging from his arm.

MITCH
Where were you? The OK Corral?

HICKS
Using my brain. Try it sometime.

MITCH
How am I supposed to use your
brain, moron?

JULIAN
A little help...

Jay’s still too attached to Mitch. A fatter cop is on patrol,

WHISTLING, hand on his pistol. The gang grab some of the
clown masks and put them on to blend in with the fourth
graders.
 47.

Mitch shoots a mouth hole in his mask with the suppressed USP
so he can still smoke. Jay puts his handcuffed hand in his
pocket to hide it from the law. Mitch hides his cuffed hand
in Jay’s pants too. Jay COUGHS.

Hicks opens his bag and unboxes a stylish purple suit jacket.
He drapes it around Jay’s shoulders to dodge a public
indecency charge. Sandwiched between the other two idiots,
Jay RIPS off the label, destroying the evidence.

The fatter cop slows down, stops. GULP. A donut. Hicks kicks
open a dumpster and hurls his co-conspirators inside,
lowering the lid after himself.

INT. DUMPSTER UNRELATED TO THE DUMPSTER IN SCENE 2 - DAY

HICKS
We’re chiseled. Alfred took the
limo. And the money.

Hicks hands Wayne’s soiled cape to Jay. Jay crushes it in his

burnt fist.

JAY
And the bat.

Mitch is digging through the junk. He GASPS.

MITCH
Veronica!

HICKS
(thumbing towards the officer)
You know that spook?

MITCH
Not the fatty. My lucky apple!

Mitch dusts off VERONICA, his lucky apple, and takes a rotten
bite through his mask hole as he spies on the cop re-entering
the donut shop. Home free. Hicks looks to his right at the
other two stooges.

HICKS
Rough night?

Jay makes a sucking sound and lifts his mask to spit out a
wisdom tooth.

JULIAN
For the audience.
 48.

The three clowns hop out of the dumpster. GEORGE THE BUS
DRIVER opens the door.

INT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY

GEORGE
You look a little tall for fourth
grade.

The schoolkids are all YELLING and SCREAMING with their new
toys. Jay raises his cuffed hand and CLEARS HIS THROAT.

Hicks cocks his peacemaker and BLASTS the handcuffs apart,

severing the Siamese twins. The bullet leaves a Kennedy half
dollar-sized hole in the roof.

JULIAN
How about fifth?

HICKS
My favorite amendment.

George MUTTERS seven dirty words.

MITCH
Field trip!

The costumed boys on the bus CHEER, firing their toy lasers
and cap guns. Jay is buttoning his snazzy new purple threads.

JULIAN
No. Bad Mitch! We are not going on
a field trip.

The elementary schoolers BOO. Mitch hands Jay a heart-shaped

balloon.

MITCH
Come on, J. Have a heart!

HICKS
It’s just a ride!

The bus stops. A paroled African American in a hoodie and

gray sweatpants darkened near the groin, BILL, gets in. Hicks
fingers his hand cannon.

BILL
This the prison bus?

J POPS Mitch’s balloon.

 49.

JULIAN
Only if we get caught.

J strikes the match Wayne threw at his eye, opens the window,
and flicks it at the pool of wine leading to the gentleman’s
club.

BILL
Now wait a goddamn minute. Ain’t I
know you from the clink!?

J rubs his eyes through his mask.

JULIAN
That really you, OG? Don’t get all
touchy-feely on me now...

He shakes Bill’s hand. Bill sees the handcuffs and recognizes

his old friend from the pen.

BILL
My ni--!

The Slammer bursts into flames a second time. The crowd

retreats as firetrucks pull into the parking lot. First time
it’s ever been so full.

The schoolchildren fire off party crackers. BOOM! Mitch

GIGGLES, watching the fireworks through his “Dopey” mask. J
is blowing up a balloon.

A teenager of ambiguous gender and race, NEWMAN, is too busy

playing a phone game and trying to forget his/her parents’
second failed marriage to notice the EXPLOSION. The hominid’s
Eurasian-Negroid face would have looked grumpy if it weren’t
hidden beneath a surgical mask. Like the clowns, Newman
appears a lot older than the other fourth graders. Held back.

Bill puts a hand on Newman’s knee as the gentleman’s club

BLOWS.

BILL
Je-sus CHRIST!

J looks up.

NEWMAN
(pulling down his surgical mask)
Who?

HICKS
I have an alibi.
 50.

JULIAN
Double Jeopardy!

Mitch throws Bill a clown mask. Newman’s phone game beeps

zip, zop, zoopity bop. Bill masks up and CHUCKLES.

BILL
Zoopity bop?

JULIAN
(to Newman)
We really are the most persecuted
minority.

NEWMAN
For real, boomer. No cap.

J pets Newman’s poodle cut as the inferno cooks Gotham. He

hands his new step-kid a balloon animal.

JULIAN
Where do you mutants come from?
Feds grow you in a vat?

NEWMAN
Bussin’. I’m Newman.

JULIAN
Newman!

BILL
You damn kids and your gamin’ and
your goonin’ and your gonorrhea. In
my day...

GEORGE
In your day you were sitting at the
back of the bus!

Newman falls back asleep. Out of Ritalin. J is engrossed in a

textbook that had been forgotten between the bus seats,
unread: a 1994 edition of Herrnstein and Murray’s THE BELL
CURVE. J LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY, poring through the pages with
his cuffed hand.

JULIAN
The last time I read a book this
funny, it was my autobiography! I
can’t wait to show Ca...

Framed in the passenger-side window as the bus drives away is

all that remains of Carly Quinn. THE CORONER covers her face
with a white veil as a crime scene photographer SNAPS the
final shot of her modeling career.
 51.

J lifts his clown mask to see with his own eyes. As he

watches the stretcher take away his ex through the flame of
her golden lighter, he murmurs something that sounds like
“Detroit.” SIRENS.

HICKS
Step on the fu-

The students all say OOH. Jay flicks his lighter shut.

HICKS
-ing gas, man!

THUD. A civilian.

George turns on the windshield wipers, but the blood only

smears more.

GEORGE
Sorry, I’ve never driven one of
these sober. Where to, Mister...

MITCH
Don’t ask me. Ask J.

Another THUD. A pedestrian. DOUBLE KILL.

BILL
FIVE-O!

Responding to the hit-and-run, three police cars tail the

bus. The bus driver SLAMS on the brakes. One cop CRASHES into
the rear, totaled. The kids CHEER. Newman wakes back up and
returns to xer phone.

The second GCPD vehicle changes lanes to follow alongside,

trading paint. The officer pulls one hand off the wheel and
aims his glock at J. Same face as on the news.

BANG.

The window J was looking out of SHATTERS. He doesn’t move.

MITCH
Look out, Bozo!

GEORGE
Buckle up!

George the bus driver puts a mask on too and floors it

through a garbage can. Papers fly everywhere.

The cop tries to find J in his sights through the cloud of

trash written by Todd Phillips and Scott Silver.
 52.

BANG.

Hicks shields a little black girl. The stray bullet tears

open his left shoulder. She starts CRYING. Afraid of clowns.

The bus driver puts the vehicle into reverse and gets behind
the police car. The officer looks in his wing mirror,
holstering his gun.

George gets into the same lane and speeds up, pushing the
police car in front of the bus like a baby carriage. He turns
hard right and slingshots it into a telephone pole.
Electrical fire.

A FEDERAL AGENT steps out of an unmarked car, holding an IMI

Desert Eagle Mark XIX in one hand and Hicks’s hat in the
other. He raises his Deagle.

The bus driver SWERVES into the glowie and laughs.

THUD. That one was on purpose.

NEWMAN
OH BABY, A TRIPLE!

BILL
Run ‘em over. That’s what you do!

George makes a U-turn, blocking two lanes of commuters.

HONKING. The bus driver decides that today would be a good
day to skip school.

J is still MURMURING to himself, rocking back and forth.

Shell-shocked.

HONKING.

J SNAPS. This time he doesn’t use his fingers.

Hicks pulls a knife to dig out the bullet, but his hand is
too unsteady. J swipes the razor from Hicks and digs into the
shoulder. He could get used to this. Deeper...

The fourth graders stare at the surgery.

NEWMAN
Just like Pornhub!

A bullet CLATTERS. J pockets the razor.

The wounded cowboy puts a fresh cigarette improvised from

some of Bruce Wayne’s hundred-dollar bills in J’s mouth.
Hicks frowns beneath his Happy mask, trying to stem the
bleeding with a whoopee cushion.
 53.

HICKS
Smoke ’em if you got ’em.

JULIAN
Thanks, partner, but I’m trying to
quit.

Hicks lifts his mask halfway and smiles. J unfolds the

rollie, cleans off the tobacco, and hands the money to a
YOUNG BOY reading an upside-down picture book. Finally
somebody else who likes trains.

JULIAN
Get your mommies something nice.

The young boy accepts the donation, murmuring “GRACIAS.”

HONKING.

J jaunts to the front of the bus as forgotten school supplies

roll across the floor. He trips on a pencil, makes it
disappear in the pocket of his new jacket, and meets his
classmates.

Three VIBRANT URBAN YOUTHS are doing cocaine off of their

hexagonal geometry homework. Whatever Pi times seven times Pi
to the seventh was, it was easy to SNORT.

J FISTS BUMPS Mitch as the “Dopey” pothead helps a nerdy

white boy push a cotton candy machine out the rear emergency
exit. The last cop gets PANCAKED in the pile-up. Mitch tosses
the little clown his lucky apple.

The comedian looks back at Hicks in his “Happy” mask and

traces a smile on his own mouth with the razor. Hicks
performs the finger gun gesture from the ending of COWBOY
BEBOP.

Losing his footing as George runs a red light, J steadies

himself on Newman’s seat, covered in lost games of tic-tac-
toe. Newman is cutting up a discarded Bible. The creature
turns Exodus into a “Grumpy” clown mask. J gives his fellow
gamer a HIGH FIVE.

Dancing down the aisle to Newman’s 8-bit ring tone, J slaps

Bill in the ass. What happens in prison stays in prison. Bill
crowns J with a rainbow party hat and “CHUCKLES.”

J finally reaches the front of the bus. Trying to turn off

the windshield wipers, George accidentally turns on the
radio.

MUSIC CUE: “I Was Only Joking” by Rod Stewart

 54.

GEORGE
Where to, Mister J?

Mr. J removes his mask. Adjusting the rear-view mirror, he

observes his bloodstained mouth busted in a perpetual grin.
He puts the mask back on and off, but can’t tell which is
which.

Feeling Happy’s knife in his pocket, he licks his damaged

lips and ponders a facelift.

In the mirror he sees police helicopters in hot pursuit.

Gordon. Finally back in the spotlight, THE JOKER takes a bow.
The party hat falls off as he yanks the microphone away from
the bus driver, chucks his mask out the window, and yells
into the intercom as he watches the world burn with a LAUGH:

JOKER
Next stop, Gotham National Bank!

THE END