THE 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

by

,Judd Apatow and Steve Carell

• For
Purpos~s Only
 ESTABLISHING SHOT

EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - MORNING

We reveal a nondescript apartment complex in North Hollywood

California. It is not nice or ugly. It looks like every
other pleasant-looking apartment complex in the valley.

INT. APARTMENT - MORNING

ANDY STITZER, a boyish looking forty year old man, is asleep.

His clock radio goes off. It is playing oldies, which now
consists of rock 'n 1 roll from the mid eighties.

MUSIC UP: "Heat Of the Moment" by Asia.

Andy sits up in bed. Not happy, not unhappy, just another

day.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Andy is doing his morning workout. He is doing bench

presses. He lifts an enormous amount of weight. His face is
very kind, and vulnerable, almost emotionless, but his body
is ripped.
On a book shelf Andy has an impressive array of action
figures and comic books, all in their original packaging.
None of his vintage toys have been opened.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING MORNING

Andy steps out of his apartment and unlocks his bicycle. His
neighbors, JOE and SARA, in their mid-eighties, wave to him
as he pedals off.

EXT. STREET - MORNING

Andy, dressed in khaki slacks and a white dress shirt, rides

his bicycle to work.

ESTABLISHING SHOT

EXT. CIRCUIT CITY - MORNING

Andy rides his bike into the parking loc of a mini-mall. The
mini-mall consists of a dozen stores on two stories.

•
V
 2.

There is a Barnes and Noble book store, a Daily Grill

restaurant, a nail salon, a children's gym and a video store,
but the centerpiece is an enormous Circuit City.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY

Andy walks inside. He says hello to people as he heads

toward the stock room. Everyone politely says hello back but
it is clear he has no close relationships here.

He takes his place at a desk which is in an opening between

the showroom and the stock room. People come ·to him with
their receipts to get their items pulled from the stock room
and delivered to their cars.

INT. CURCUIT CITY - LATER

Andy is stamping a female CUSTOMER'S receipt. PUNJAB, an

Indian salesman, is standing nearby.

PUNJAB
It has been an honor doing business
with you. Enjoy your new
television. Watch River Runs
Through It, it looks amazing on
this thing.

ANDY
Cal will you please help this woman
bring her stereo to her car.

CAL, a pudgy twenty two year-old white man walks out of the
stock room.

CAL
(not meaning it)
I'd love to.

He picks up the customer's television and walks with the

woman to her car.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY

Andy is walking across the showroom floor, headed for the

bathroom. He is stopped by JAY, a tall, handsome 25 year-old
salesman, who is working a 40 year-old black female customer.

l
•
 3.

JAY
Andy knows all about this stuff.
What is the main reason a flat-
screen is better than a rear-
projection?

ANDY
The viewing angle is far better on
a flat-screen. Due to the liquid
crystal display, you can watch it
from any part of the room, and it's
a much better resolution.

JAY
So sure, you'll save a couple bucks
with rear-projection, but you have
more than two people over, they're
gonna have to sit on your lap to
watch TV. But maybe you like that!

The woman laughs.

Andy keeps walking. A very attractive young woman steps in
his path. He looks terrified.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
Could you help me?

ANDY
No.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
But you work here.

ANDY
Yes. I'm not a salesman. I stamp
invoices.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
I just have a quick question about
CD players.

ANDY
(quickly)
Punjab or Abujay will be happy to
help you. They're very nice. I'm
on a bathroom break.

DAVID, a young, shorter salesman quickly runs up to the

woman.

DAVID
May I help you?
\...
•
 4.

......... ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

Are you Punjab?

Punjab walks over.

PUNJAB
I am Punjab. I am here to serve
you.

DAVID
I was talking to her.

PUNJAB
I am Punjab, I am here to serve
you.

Andy keeps walking. David and Punjab get into it.

INT. BATHROOM

Andy breathes deeply, recovering from the interaction with

this pretty woman.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - LATER

Andy is at his post. David, Jay, and Cal are a few feet
away, having a conversation.

CAL
What about Andy?

JAY
He doesn't have any money.

DAVID
Well, we can't play poker without
at least four guys.

JAY
Al1 right. But he's gotta bring at
least 50 bucks, or it's not worth
it.
(to Andy)
Hey Andy, are you busy tonight?

Andy is taken aback at the question. Although he's friendly

with them, they never invite him out to social engagements-

ANDY
Do we have to break down the Sony
truck?
\...
•
 5.

DAVID
No, we 1 re gonna play poker. You
wanna play poker?

ANDY
Uh, yeah, sure, that'd be cool.

JAY
You know how to play?

ANDY
I play on-line.

DAVID
Well it's just like that, except
with real people.

ANDY
(trying to be hip)
So, uh, where's this gOing down?

DAVID
My house. I'll get you the
address.

ANDY
Cool, very cool. Should I bring
some stogies? Some liquor?

DAVID
Could you stop off at Boston Market
and pick us up some chicken? Three
extra crispy, one original, two
with fries, and two with mashed
potatoes, extra gravy. Each one
with corn on the cob.

ANDY
Okay.

DAVID
I'm just fucking with you.

ANDY
I know. You think I'll pick up you
losers chicken? I'll see you guys
at the game .... but do you need
food?

DAVID
No.

\.,,

•
 6.

tt .. I hope he
JAY
has money.

INT. DAVID'S APARTMENT - MIDNIGHT

The four are playing poker. Most of the chips are in front
of Andy, who is a little too dressed up for this event.

JAY
How much fuckin' online poker do
you play?

ANDY
Just an hour or two a night. When
I'm not on Sims.

CUT TO:

INT. DAVID'S APARTMENT - LATER

DAVID
(throws down ONE chip}
Well, Andy, at least I feel like
I 1 ve gotten to know you better,
since you spent the last three
hours fucking me in the ass.

They all laugh.

ANDY
(giggling}
I didn't fuck you in the ass.
Guys, this has been fun. Give me a
call anytime, I'm wide open.

CAL
You know what a gentleman does
after he beats other gentleman? He
takes them out for liquor.

ANDY
I'm game.

JAY
I have to get out of here. I'm
meeting Ellen.

CAL
A little late night action.

\.,,

•
•
(.__
So you just
night
DAVID
go to her place
and bone her and leave?
at
And
7.

she has no problem with that?

JAY
No, she loves it.

DAVID
How come I can't get one of those?

JAY
Do you really want me to explain it
to you? Because I will.

DAVID
Shut up.

JAY
This girl is the best. She will do
anything. There is no filter
between what she wants and doing
it. Everything is on the table.
She-is-game.

ANDY
Sign me up for that. I 1 m in!

CAL
I have got to get laid. It's been
too long.
JAY
How long?

CAL
Like four months.

DAVID
Who was the last one?

CAL
Jill. She was awesome. She had
these huge titties. Oh, I used to
love to bite them. I didn't even
want to have sex, I could bite
those titties all night.

DAVID
What happened to her?

\.,
•
 8.

CAL
She was an asshole. She was mean.
She was a miserable person, but I
so regret breaking up with her.

DAVID
Why did you break up with her?

CAL
I felt like we were in different
places in our lives.

JAY
Yeah, you were in this place where
you were having trouble getting a
job and she was in this place where
she hated your fat ass!

CAL
Basically. I miss those titties.

ANDY
Titties are the best.

DAVID
I had this girlfriend, she loved
the fellatio. Anywhere we went,
she would want to do it.

CAL
Why didn't you marry her?

DAVID
We went to see Ace Ventura: Pet
Detective. And she's going for it,
and the guy who worked there saw
us, but he didn't stop it, he just
watched. It was so gross. And then
I couldn't finish ...

JAY
wait a second, was that Ace one or
Ace two?

DAVID
It was the first one.

JAY
This story is over ten years old.
You don't have a sex story that
happened in this millennium.

~
•
 9.

•'"'" Fuck

That
you.

is
DAVID

CAL
lame.

ANDY
Ah, unbelievable. So lame.

DAVID
Then you give us a good sex story,
Andy.

Andy is stopped in his tracks.

ANDY
I don't kiss and tell.

JAY
Come on, give us a good, dirty one.
The dirtiest thing you've ever
done.

ANDY
I can't. I'm a gentleman.

CAL
Give me a break. You're a freak.
I can tell.

DAVID
Lay one on us.

ANDY
(after a breath)
Ok ... well .... I went with this girl,
she loved having sex. She was so
into it. We would have sex and
she'd be screaming, "I love it . "
It was so dirty. We had sex in
every room in the house. The
bathroom. It was like you guys were
saying. She wanted to do it on the
kitchen table. I came home and she
was on the kitchen table naked
'cause she just wanted me to nail
her ...

DAVID
And did you nail her?

•
 10.

ANDY
I nailed her so bad. We were
swinging from the chandelier. She
was crazy. It was never enough
with her. Never enough.

JAY
What was her name?

ANDY
Tan-dra. Man it was so crazy.

CAL
Sounds crazy.

ANDY
I am embarrassed to even talk about
it. God, I was really into it,
too. It was so much fun.

DAVID
Did you like to talk during sex?

ANDY
She was talking the whole time. I
was hitting it big time. Just
hitting it. She could barely walk
the next day. Me so horny.

They all laugh, and look at each other, realizing Andy is

full of shit.
JAY
So you really used to do her?

ANDY
Oh, I did her so bad.

JAY
What were her tits like?

ANDY
They were good. Good tits.

CAL
Her nipples?

ANDY
Yeah. Nipples.

DAVID
What were they like?

•
 11.

tt.. They were

ANDY
good ones.

JAY
Give us some details. Were they
long nips? Flat nips? Dark
areolas? Were they big silver
dollar nips?

ANDY
They were like a dollar. Like ten
dollars.

DAVID
What?

CAL
Huh?

ANDY
Like ten times a night.

DAVID
Ten times.

ANDY
Maybe twenty.

JAY
Do you last a long time?

ANDY
Oh yeah.

CAL
How long?

ANDY
An hour.
DAVID
Of screwing.

ANDY
Yeah. Sometimes a little less.

JAY
So ten times would take at least
ten hours. Do you rest in between?

ANDY
No. I don't need to.

4...-
•
 12.

DAVID
You start right up.

ANDY
Why not. Why waste time?

CAL
So sex with you could take a whole
day.

ANDY
Yeah. More even.

DAVID
Do you use protection?

ANDY
Sometimes. I don't really need to.

CAL
Do you use a rubber, or a sponge?

ANDY
I always use a sponge. Sometimes
two at a time. What do you guys
use?

ALL
Sponge.

JAY
Did you get a lot of back door
action?

DAVID
Come on, that's enough.

ANDY
That's cool. We did back door.
Side door. We were doing all the
doors.
(joking)
And a couple of windows.

JAY
You have no idea what we're talking
about.

ANDY
Sure I do.

\.,

•
 13.

JAY
(laughing)
Oh my God.

ANDY
What?

JAY
You're a fucking virgin.

ANDY
What? Shut up. Yeah, okay. Tell
Tandra that. If.I'm a virgin
Tandra's a virgin, too.

JAY
You are.

ANDY
Not since I was ten, my friend.

JAY
Unbelievable.

ANDY
Ha. That's funny. This is fun.
When did you guys lose your
virginity?

JAY
No, no, no. You've never popped
your cherry.

DAVID
Leave him alone.

JAY
What?

DAVID
Don't be mean.

JAY
I m not
1
being mean. He's a virgin.
I want to help him. I want to get
him laid.

CAL
Yes. Let's get Andy laid.

ANDY
Come on guys. Very funny.

•""
 14.

JAY
I am gonna make it my mission to
get you laid.

DAVID
Be cool.

JAY
I am gonna be Andy's best friend.
I'm Andy's pimp. We're gonna
change your life.
CUT TO:

INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT

He is pacing around furiously. It looks like he is talking
to his unwrapped action figures.

ANDY
They know, they know, they know.
They'll forget by tomorrow. They
were just screwing around.
(beat)
Oh no! Dammit. Oh no. Oh no.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - NEXT DAY

Andy walks in, hoping nobody remembers.

ANDY
Good morning, David.

DAVID
Morning, Andy.

11.NDY
Good morning, Cal.

CAL
Good morning.

He sees Jay. Oh no.

ANDY
Jay.

JAY
Morning, Andy.

\..,

•
 15.

Andy smiles. They forgot. It is in the past. Haziz walks

up to Andy.

ANDY
Morning, Haziz.

HAZIZ
We've got to get you some pussy.
(turns to female salesman)
This boy needs to get laid.

ANDY
Good morning, Debra.

Andy runs to the stockroom, and closes the door, and breathes
deeply, almost hyperventilating. Jay walks in.

JAY
Tonight, after work, you're coming
out with us. And it's gonna
happen.

He exits. Andy is white as a ghost.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

Andy is running down the street at full speed. We see David

is chasing him. He finally catches up to him on the median
strip of Ventura Blvd.

DAVID
Andy, stop. Just talk to me.
You're gonna get killed out here.

They sit on the center divider.

ANDY
I don't want to go out with you
guys.
DAVID
Just relax, you don't have to do
anything.

ANDY
I'm busy tonight. I have plans.

DAVID
You don't have to go out with us
tonight if you don't want to.
\..,

•
 16.

ANDY
I'm forty years old, you can't tell
me what to do.

DAVID
Andy. Just relax.

ANDY
This is bullshit. This is total
bullshit, man.

DAVID
I'm sorry.

ANDY
You've invaded my privacy. This
isn't funny. It's my life. I'm
fine. My life is fine.

DAVID
Okay. It's fine. We just thought,
maybe you needed a little push.

ANDY
I don't need a push. You ever
think that some people find sex
sacred? It's not a game. This is
a choice.

DAVID
To be a virgin. I'm sorry. I
didn't realize you were so
religious.

ANDY
Well, I am. Okay I'm not. But
it's my own personal choice.

DAVID
Okay, but why would you make that
choice?

Andy starts crying, his is mouth open in a silent scream, but

no noise come out.

DAVID
Breathe Andy, breathe.

ANDY
There 1 s more to life than sex. I
don 1 t need sex. Why is that so

...., important
big deal?
to everyone? What's the

•
 17.

~-- DAVID
If you're happy with the way your
life is, then fine, but you have to
ask yourself, are you happy? Don't
you ever wonder if there's
something more out there?

ANDY
I lead a pretty full life.

QUICK FLASHES OF ANDY'S LIFE

--Running

--Working out

--Buying action figures

--Building an elaborate model

--Going to sleep. The clock says 9:15 PM.

BACK TO SCENE

ANDY
What am I missing?

DAVID
I don't know. You're not just
missing out on sex, you're missing
out on relationships. How often do
you even leave your apartment?
What about friends and love and
taking chances? And most of all,
you're missing out on sex. What
are you crazy, that's the best
thing on earth. You can't live
your entire life and not experience
that. Hiding from that is shutting
you down from everything else.

ANDY
You know, we've been working
together for three years, and I
think this is the first time we've
ever had a conversation that lasted
longer than fifteen seconds.

DAVID
See, good things are happening
already.

'--
•
 18.

ANDY
So what can I do?

DAVID
Corne out with us tonight. No
pressure. We'll just have some
fun.

ANDY
I don't want to have sex with
anyone tonight.

DAVID
Don't worry. You won't have sex
with anyone tonight.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Andy is walking home. Everything he sees seems sexual. It

is as if he has seen all of this for his entire life but
never noticed it before.

He sees-

A normal looking middle aged WOMANwalking down the street.

He looks away as if she is pure sex.

A gorgeous eighteen year old GIRL with no bra and a low cut T-
shirt.
He turns away and tries to hide at a newsstand. He looks
down.

QUICK CUTS--every cover is of a gorgeous, busty woman.

He walks away and stops at a bus stop, just wanting to get

home. The bus pulls up and on the side of it is a billboard
of a perfume ad with a naked man and a naked woman. We only
see their bodies, no faces. It could not be dirtier.

Andy panics and starts running down the street. As he runs

the bus pulls out and is driving at the same rate of speed as
Andy. He can not escape this dirty billboard no matter how
fast he runs. Finally the bus stops at the next light and he
loses it, but immediately a new bus drives parallel to him
with an even dirtier billboard of a couple, bodies naked and
intertwined, clearly doing something he's never done.

Andy cuts right and starts running through a neighborhood.

He cuts through houses and lawns. He sees two DOGS having
furious sex on a lawn. He cuts into the woods and runs and
runs .

• 4,,,,
 19.

INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT

Andy runs in and closes the door. He lies down on his bed and
turns on the TV. He channel surfs. Every commercial and
program has something filthy on it.

-A soap opera with people kissing.

-A commercial for Viagra.

Paris Hilton almost naked on Entertainment Tonight.

-Teenagers making out on MTV.

-A dirty rap video with tons of barely dressed women and a

ripped rapper.

He shuts the TV and closes his eyes as tightly as humanly

possible.

Suddenly we hear the sounds of his elderly neighbors

laughing, then having very loud sex. The wall behind Andy
bangs and shakes. Then stops. Then bangs and shakes even
louder.

Andy runs into the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Andy turns on the water, flushes the toilet, puts his fingers
in his ears and closes his eyes.

ANDY
( to himself.)
Everything's gonna be ok.
Everything is gonna be ok.

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Jay, David, and Cal are talking to an overdressed Andy.

JAY
David told me to be sensitive, so I
am going to be sensitive with you.
It is important that you lose your
virginity, you are forty years old.
Enough is enough. This is a hump
you just need to get over. Are you
ready to try?

•
~-
 20.

ANDY
David said I didn't have to have
sex tonight.

JAY
David was wrong. You do.

DAVID
Come on, Jay.

ANDY
Tonight? No.

JAY
Yes, tonight. What's the
difference between tonight and any
other night?

ANDY
Ok, I'll try, but ...

CAL
It's easy. Just do what I do.
Only hit on drunk chicks.

ANDY
I can't take advantage of someone
when they're drunk.

CAL
It's not taking advantage of them.
People drink so that they have an
excuse to do the things they really
want to do.

DAVID
That's why I drink ... and smoke
pot ...

ANDY
I don't know. This doesn't feel
right.

JAY
Yes, you do know. You've got to
get this behind you. And it all
starts now.

CUT TO:

l.
•
 21.

INT. BAR - LATER

Andy, Jay, David and Cal are huddled. Jay hands Andy a beer.

JAY
Just walk up to a woman, but if
she's not drunk, just move on.
It's not worth wasting your time.

Andy walks around the bar, scoping out women.

ANGLE ON

A table filled with pretty, young women.

WOMAN#l
I just need to get laid tonight.
It's as simple as that.

WOMAN#2
You've been working so hard at
work, you deserve to just have some
fun. You never do anything wild.

WOMAN#l

L Tonight
nice
I'm going
guy that
gonna take
wild.
even talks
him home and
The first
to me 1 I'm
rock his
world.

WOMAN#2
You go, girl.

Andy walks up to the table.

ANDY
Good evening, ladies.

LADIES
Good evening. Hi.

The other woman move off so Woman #1 can talk to Andy. They
give her the eye like "this is the one."

ANDY
How are you doing tonight?

WOMAN#l
Great. And you?

_...,
 22.

ANDY
Never better. Can I buy you a few
drinks?

WOMAN#l
I'm not really much of a drinker.
But why don't you sit down?

ANDY
No thanks. It was nice to meet you
though. Have a good night.

He walks away. She doesn't understand what just happened.

ANDY
(to David)
She wasn't drunk. Man, this is
gonna be hard.
CUT TO:

INT. BAR· LATER

CLOSE UP: ANDY

ANDY
I like what I do, I just don't know
if managing a stock room is what I
dreamed of doing when i was in high
school.
We pull out and reveal that he is talking to a DRUNK WOMAN
who is passed out, face down on the bar.

David walks over.

DAVID
(looks at the girl)
That I
s drunk.

ANDY
Oh, ok.

DAVID
Come hang out with us. We're
partying with these girls who are
having a bachelorette party.

ANDY
Are men allowed at those?

~
•
 23.

DAVID
Shut up. Come on.

As Andy walks away, he turns to the drunk woman.

ANDY
It was nice talking to you. Have a
good night.

INT. BAR - LATER

The guys are hanging out with eight drunk women, who are
throwing their friend JILL a bachelorette party. The table
is littered with empty glasses and filthy adult novelty
items.
Jay is playing with one of the vibrators. He talks into it
like it is a phone.

JAY
Mr. President. We have a situation
in the erection room.

Everyone is laughing hysterically. Cal has edible underwear

on his face and he is eating through it.

CAL
It tastes like chicken.

They are laughing so hard, as only drunken people can laugh

at semi-humorous jokes.

DAVID
This guy will eat underwear that's
not even edible.
They laugh. Andy puts a huge fake penis on his head, trying
to join in on the fun.

ANDY
Hey, look at me. I have a huge
penis on my head.
They give him a look and a little chuckle, then go back to
their business.
CUT TO:

•
 24.

INT. BAR - LATER

It is a little quieter now. Everyone is a little drunk,

except Andy who holds the same beer which he has not taken a
sip out of. Andy is talking to a pretty blonde, NICKY.

NICKY
(drunk)
The guy Robin's marrying, Jimmy, is
such a good guy. I hated him for
two years cause he cheated on this
other friend of mine. But he's
really changed. He's a good guy
now.

ANDY
That's good that she's marrying a
good guy.

NICKY
She deserves it. We all do. We've
all been friends since we were six.
Isn't that sick?

ANDY
That's nice to have good friends
you've known for a long time.

NICKY
You have kind eyes.

ANDY
Thank you. You have--

She kisses him hard on the mouth. Lots of tongue. When it

ends, Andy looks like he doesn't know where he is.

NICKY
This is getting lame. Let's get
out of here.

Before Andy can say anything, she pulls him up and is walking
him towards the exit. Andy looks back at his friends, who
are so excited that they are high fiving and giving him the
thumbs up.

EXT. BAR
ANDY and NICKY are getting into NICKY'S car.
 25.

NICKY
Are you drunk?

ANDY
No, not really.

NICK
Blow into this.

NICKY holds up a rubber hose that is somehow attached to the

dashboard.

ANDY
(Not understanding.)
... Sure, OK.

ANDY blows into the rubber tube. NICKY puts the keys in the
ignition and starts the car.

NICKY
Thanks!

Off of ANDY's confused look we cut to:

INT. CAR

NICKY is driving.

NICKY
(mid-conversation)
.. . He's like, "You are such a 8-I-T-
C-H," pardon my French, and I'm
like, "Shut up, you loser.,, "I hate
your guts." "I hate your fucking
guts. 11 Pardon my French. You know
what I mean? God, I hate people who
are stupid assholes. They are such
assholes. You know?

ANDY
Yeah, I hate that. Ass ...

NICKY
Who's your name again?

NICKY .1,.s clearly drunk.

ANDY
Andy.

'---
•
•L Andy,
Don't
let
NICKY
me tell you something.
ever be named Dan. Because
Dan is a jerk name.
26 .

ANDY
Okay.

NICKY
I am Total Cereal. Dan is a bad
person name. Dan rhymes with man
and men jerk off, and he was a jerk
off. You know what I mean?

ANDY
I think so.

NICKY'S driving becomes increasingly erratic.

ANDY
(noticeably uncomfortable)
So where do you live?

NICKY
Not with jerk-o. No fuckin' way,
baby. I did my time. He's someone
else's problem now ... Do you think
I'm pretty?

She turns to ask the question and runs through a red light.
Two cars narrowly avoid a crash.

ANDY is quickly appreciating the danger of this situation.

ANDY
(reaction to near miss)
Oh, God. Yes. Crap.

NICKY
Look at me. You're not looking at
me. Come on. Look at my face. Do
you think I am pretty?

NICKY is looking at ANDY. Her eyes don't even glance at the

road. ANDY'S eyes are glued to the road, filled with abject
terror.

NICKY
(screaming)
LOOK AT ME!

L
•
•L ANDY
( screaming)
YOU'RE PRETTY. YOU'RE SO PRETTY.
WANT TO LIVE.
I
27 .

NICKY
Thank you. You know if you men
would just offer up a nice
compliment like that every once in
a while, there would be no poverty.

ANDY looks puzzled.

NICKY
You're cute. Kiss my mouth.

ANDY doesn't move

NICKY
Get over here.

NICKY forcefully pulls him to her.

ANDY is now practically sitting on NICKY'S lap. He looks down

the road, she looks at him.

NICKY
I like you. You're not a jag ...

She pauses to vomit a little in her mouth.

NICKY
... Off.

NICKY kisses him.

ANDY
Maybe I should drive.

NICKY
(playfully)
You don't know where I live.

ANDY
You could tell me.

NICKY
Hey, that's awfully forward of you.

NICKY begins tonguing ANDY'S ear.

 28.

ANDY
(laughing)
That tickles!

ANDY is now trying to help NICKY steer the car.

She is giggling while tonguing, he alternates between

laughter and paralyzing fear as the car narrowly avoids
striking pedestrians, other cars, trees etc.

Finally, NICKY looks up.

NICKY
(casually)
Oh, this is me.

NICKY pulls the steering wheel hard and the car does a
complete 360 and comes screeching to a halt between two
parked cars, in front of a nondescript apartment building.

NICKY
We're here.

NICKY looks deep into ANDY's eyes.

NICKY
My Mom's staying over tonight, so
let's just do it here.

NICKY starts to take off her shirt.

ANDY
Maybe I should be moseying home.

NICKY starts to cry. She then abruptly begins to laugh. Then

she vomits on ANDY.

NICKY
I am so sorry. I think I ate some
bad shellfish sandwich.

NICKY continues to take off her clothes and kiss Andy.

NICKY
Hurry up, then we can get
breakfast.

ANDY is clearly repulsed and traumatized.

ANDY
I really need to get going.

We see that NICKY has vomit on her cheek.

~
•
 29.

NICKY
Ok, fine, your loss.

ANDY
I'm just gonna go, I think. Thank
you. I had a really nice time.

NICKY
I'll give you a lift.

NICKY puts the car in drive and smashes into the parked car
three feet in front. The second car hits a fire hydrant which
then blasts water through the open window of a nearby
apartment.

NICKY
Oh my God! I can't believe that I
smashed my neighbor's car, and that
his car ran over the fire hydrant,
and that the fire hydrant ruined
the inside of that apartment ... not
again. You have to switch places
with me.

ANDY
What?

NICKY
If this goes on my record, I'll
lose my licence, I won't be able to
get to work, I'll lose my job.

NICKY starts to cry again.

NICKY
Please . .. PLEASE l PLEASE. . . Mr. \\Not
Dan Guy. 11

In the distance, we hear sirens and see the glow of flashing

lights.

NICKY
Just change seats with me. Please,
"Not Dan Guy. "

ANDY
I don't want to get into trouble.

NICKY
You won't "Not Dan, 11
you won't. Do
you have a record?

~
•
•
~ No ...
ANDY
30.

NICKY
Then you'll be fine, believe me, I
know how this works. They'll act
all serious and scary, and then
they'll let you off with a warning.
(beat)
And don't act suspicious, there's a
gun under your seat. It's my ex's.

They quickly switch seats. A POLICE OFFICER leans his head

into the car.

ANDY
Good evening, Officer.

POLICE OFFICE
Everyone alright here?

NICKY
He was driving the car. He said he
was fine to drive.
(to Andy)
Liarl

Off of Andy's shocked look we ...

CUT TO:

INT. HOLDING CELL - NIGHT

The cell is small and is packed with at least thirty hardcore-

looking criminals. We hear them cursing at each other. It
sounds like a gang fight is about to explode. The camera
pans across the faces and finally finds Andy, looking
terrified and slightly bruised.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - MORNING

Andy is in a rage as he complains to David, Jay and Cal--who

can't stop laughing.

ANDY
It's not funny.

DAVID
Tf it wasn't you, you would admit

_..., it was funny.

•
L,_
.. ANDY
You know why it happened?
You don't hit on drunk girls.
Karma.
It's
31.

not right.

CAL
It's so right.

ANDY
There's got to be a better way that
works.

CAL
I haven't found it.

JAY
we didn't tell you to switch seats
with her when the cops came.

ANDY
I was trying to be a gentleman.

DAVID
Why did you even let her drive in
the first place?

ANDY
Because I wasn't thinking straight.
You got me so revved up about
(whispers)
Having sex
(normal voice)
That I didn't use my brain.

CAL
Sounds like you didn't use anything
else. Did anything eventful
happen?
ANDY
She threw up on me.

They explode with laughter.

ANDY
Keep laughing, because this is
over.

JAY
Easy. No it's not. We just need a
new approach.

_.,,,
•L-. DAVID
How about ... and I know this sounds
crazy .. we set him up with girls
32.

that haven't been drinking heavily?

JAY
I don't. know.
ANDY
Well I do. I want to meet a nice
girl. Maybe even someone I
actually like. I am not an animal.
I do not want to prey on people. I
want to find someone who will like
me for who I am.

JAY
First of all I think that's a
mistake. But if that's what you
want, then we are gonna have to
make some changes with you. Some
real changes.

MUSIC UP:

MONTAGEOF ANDY GETTING A MAKEOVER

INT. HAIR SALON - DAY

Andy is getting a haircut. When he looks at his haircut, it

is meant to be short and a little European, but the coolness
of the haircut makes him look silly. The guys look at it and
smile. Andy looks happy with it.

INT. HAIR WAXING STATION - DAY

Andy lays on his stomach on a table. A WOMANpours hot wax

on his back, lets it dry for a moment, then RIPS it off --
leaving a huge strip of whiter-than-white skin in the middle
of his hairy back.

QUICK CUTS

*She strips off several more hunks of hair from his back and
chest.

*We see tears of pain coming down Andy 1

s face. This could
not hurt more.

_.., *Finally
about to
Andy 1 red faced
pull off a huge
and miserable,
strip.
stops her as she is
 33.

He gets up and starts putting on his shirt. Only two thirds

of his body hair has been removed, and he looks insane.

INT. CHESS KING MEN'S STORE - DAY

Andy comes out of the dressing room wearing a Eurotrash

shirt. The guys like it. He is a new man.
CUT TO:

EXT. MINI MALL - DAY

Jay, Andy and David are walking to get coffees.

JAY
You look good.
DAVID
Better than good. Oddly good.

JAY
Now you need to learn how to talk
to women.

ANDY
I get nervous and I lock up. I
never know what to say.

JAY
The key is, you don't say anything.
Make them talk.

ANDY
How do you do that?

JAY
Just ask them questions. Girls
love talking. Let them.
ANDY
What if they ask me a question?

JAY
Then answer their question with a
question.

DAVID
It makes you seem mysterious. You
talk too much about yourself, you
look needy. Put them on the spot.

_...,
 34.

They walk by Brentano's book store. There is a pretty BLONDE

in her mid-twenties putting books on a shelf.

JAY
Go give it a test run.

Andy hesitates. David pushes him. Andy relents.

INT. BRENTANO'S - CONT.

Andy walks inside and approaches the blonde woman. He looks

at her .badge, which says BETH on it.

She turns and sees Andy. He acts very confident.

BETH
Can I help you?

ANDY
I don't know. Can you?

She smiles.

BETH
Are you looking for something?
ANDY
Is there something I should be
looking for?

She is instantly on the spot. For the first time, he

actually has the upper hand.

BETH
We got a lot of great new books in.
It depends on what you like?

ANDY
What do you like?

BETH
Me? I don't know.

ANDY
Do you know?

BETH
To tell you the truth, I don't read
much. So I can recommend a book,
but I would just be ... bullshitting.

•""
•"'-· Thanks for
ANDY
not bullshitting me ... ?
35.

BETH
Beth. And what's your name?

ANDY
It's Andrew.

BETH
Don't tell on me, Andrew.

ANDY
I won't. Unless you want to be
told on?

She smiles. He walks out, cock of the walk. His friends,

who have been listening, walk out after him.

EXT. MINI MALL - MOMENTS LATER

JAY
That was incredible.

ANDY
It felt good, not having to talk
much.

DAVID
That's the key. Make them feel
weird so you don't have to.

JAY
You like her?

ANDY
Yeah, but ... she can't be the one.

DAVID
Why not?

ANDY
'Cause it will be bad with the
first one. What if I want
to ... make her my girlfriend? She
won't do that if it's ... terrible.

JAY
Now he wants a girlfriend? I like
this. We're making some progress.

_..,
•
li.,.
..
INT.

Andy is
ANDY'S HOME - DUSK

cleaning up the already clean apartment when the

36.

doorbell rings. He answers it. It is David.

ANDY
Hey. How did you know where I
lived?

DAVID
It's on the staff list at work.
What, you're not going to invite me
in?

Andy lets David in. David is carrying a plastic bag.

DAVID
I just came by because I was
thinking, it seems like you have
kind of shut yourself
down ... sexually speaking, and I
wanted to help you open yourself up
again.

ANDY
I don't know. I am not into that.

DAVID
What? No. Are you serious?

ANDY
What?

DAVID
What did you mean?

ANDY
Nothing.

DAVID
I just brought some movies and
stuff over that I thought would
help you ... re-energize that side of
yourself.
CUT TO:

INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - DUSK

They are watching TV. They both sit on the couch, but at far
opposite sides.

•"'
 37.

ON THE TV

The dirty scene from The Blue Lagoon.

DAVID
This is good, huh?

Andy looks really uncomfortable.

CUT TO:

ON THE TV

The Brittany Spears "Slave" video.

The Christina Aguilera "Dirty" video.

Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone have sex in 'Basic

Instinct.'

Michael Douglas and Glenn Close have sex in 'Fatal

Attraction.'

Michael Douglas and Demi Moore have sex in 'Disclosure.'

ANGLE ON ANDY AND DAVID

DAVID
This has got to be working for you.
Do you feel the animal in you
coming back to life? Is the bear
waking up from his hibernation?

Andy can't handle it anymore. He takes the tape out and

hands it to Andy.

ANDY
I think you should go now. I am
getting very uncomfortable.

DAVID
Don't act like I am the weird one.
This is how God created us. To be
horny. You are denying his wishes.

ANDY
I am not denying anything, I just
think you should go now.

DAVID
Andy, you are ·1ike all of these
action figures you collect.

•"
•
L,. He pulls
box.
a GI Joe off

DAVID
of the wall. It is in its original
38.

You are all sealed up, in the

original packaging. You've never
let your true self out.

David opens up the box. Andy squeals.

ANDY
You are not supposed to open that.

DAVID
Yes you are, so you can play with
it.

David pulls GI Joe's pants down, revealing a smooth flat

crotch area.

DAVID
Don't wind up like Joe here. You
stay in the box too long and your
dick falls off.

ANDY
He never had a dick!

David exits.

DAVID
You did. Once. What happened?

Andy closes the door on him. He paces around his house.

FLASHBACK
We see Andy as a TEENAGER. He lays on a bed as a gorgeous
young GIRL takes her top off and then jumps on him.

GIRL
I can't believe you haven't done
this yet. You are gonna love it.

She stops and suddenly looks disappointed and a little

annoyed.
GIRL
Jesus Andy, what's the matter with
you?

•"
 39 .

• L- ANDY
Nothing, I just got excited. Wait,
it'll happen again.

GIRL
Not with me. I am not gonna have
sex with someone who is done before
I take my shirt off.

ANDY
I'm sorry.

GIRL
You should be. I was gonna fuck
your brains out.

PRESENT DAY
Andy paces around. He realizes that David left some of his
tapes there. He puts one in.

ON THE TV

The film 9 1/2 Weeks.

ANGLE ON ANDY

It is clear what he is about to do.

ANGLE ON THE TV
The sex scene with all the food plays out.

CLOSE UP OF ANDY'S FACE

He smiles, totally relaxed and relieved.
CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

David is knocking on Andy's door. The door opens and Andy is
standing there looking like he just had the greatest orgasm
of his life. His face looks completely relaxed, he walks as
if he has no energy left in his body.

DAVID
(looks at him)
My God, I have been gone for one
minute. I just got to my car and
realized I forgot some of my
movies.
~

•
•
~-
I'll get
ANDY
them for you.
40.

DAVID
No. You can keep them.

ANDY
I'm sorry.

DAVID
Nothing to be sorry about. Mission
accomplished. You are alive!!!

EXT. ALL STAR SPORTS BAR - PARKING LOT

Andy, Jay, Cal and David are walking from their cars to the
restaurant. There is a huge banner hanging on the building
which says, "WELCOMESPEED DATERS."

ANDY
Speed dating? I don't know.

JAY
It 1 s just like regular dating, but
you eliminate all of the fat. The
talking and the waiting for the
lights to come on to see if she's
good looking.
DAVID
You get two minutes with each girl.
You meet twenty girls in forty five
minutes. It would take you a year
to meet that many women.

CAL
More like a decade.

He laughs and lifts his hand for a high five. Nobody high
fives him.

CAL
That wasn't so bad.

ANDY
I'm scared. I don't do well under
pressure.

JAY
Just do what I told you to do. l,.Bk

... them
spot .
questions. Put them on the
•
~- them to like
feeling
themselves.
JAY(cont'd)
You have a better

awkward
chance
you if they
and insecure
of getting
are
about
41.

CAL
All I need is for one girl in
twenty to dig me. I can work with
these odds.

DAVID
When it's over you tell them which
girls you like, they tell you if
any of those girls want to get to
know you better. And if there are
any matches you guys exchange phone
numbers. Or emails. I'm not sure.

ANDY
Do you think this will work?
DAVID
Any girl who does this must be
desperate, so we are in luck.

ANDY
( to Jay)
Don 1 t you have a girlfriend?

JAY
Not today.

INT. ALL STAR SPORTS BAR - MOMENTSLATER

All of our guys are sitting at different tables. There are

twenty tables and a man and a woman sit at each table.

A BUZZER GOES OFF

ON ANDY'S TABLE

Andy is talking to a BITTER WO~,AN.

ANDY
Hi, my name is Andy. What's your
name?

BITTER WOMAN
My last boyfriend was a cheating
asshole. I hope you're not like
that.
 42.

ANDY
I don't think I am.

BITTER WOMAN
I am just sick of the bullshit.

ANDY
I'm sick of the bullshit.

BITTER WOMAN
Fucking men.

ANDY
You are preaching to the converted.

BUZZER GOES OFF

All of the people move one table over, switching partners.

Andy looks over to his friends, terrified.

CAL
{to Andy)
Isn't this awesome?!

ANDY
No!

ON JAY'S TABLE

Jay talks to a gorgeous BORING GIRL.

BORING GIRL
But I don't see myself as a model,
I am much more creative than that.
But I like to travel and it gives
me time to focus on my writing. I
am writing a book about modeling.

Jay stares at her body.

JAY
You are fascinating.

She smiles.

BUZZER

ON CAL'S TABLE

Cal is talking to an unattractive FIFTY YEAR OLD WOMAN who

looks like a butch lesbian_ He looks miserable.

•"'
 43.

BU'I'CH LESBIAN
So I said to myself, maybe I do
like guys. How will I know if I
don't ever give it a shot? Maybe
it's not as gross as I thought it
was.

BUZZER

ON DAVID'S TABLE

David is talking to a BLACK WOMAN. For some reason he is

talking like a gangster.

DAVID
( like a Wigger)
And I don't play that shit, dog.
I'm all about the benjamins.
Treating my woman real good.
Giving her the sweet bling bling.
I don't mess with no ho's either.
No bitches for this player. I love
ladies with a capitol Lizz-el.
What up with you?

When the black woman replies she speaks in a normal, educated

fashion.

BLACK WOMAN
Well, I see what you are saying,
and I appreciate your candor, but I
have one question. What the fuck
are you talking about?!

BUZZER

ON CAL'S TABLE

Cal is talking to a VERY YOUNG WOMAN. They are getting along

great.

CAL
You are so sweet. We should go out
some time.

VERY YOUNG GIRL

I would love to, but not on a
school night. This is my junior
year of high school and I need to
keep my grades up if I want to get
inco a good college.

_....,
•
~-
How old are
CAL
you?

VERY YOUNG GIRL

44.

Sixteen.
(whispers)
I snuck in here, but don't tell
anyone.

Cal thinks for a beat, then reluctantly gets up and gets one
of the people running the event.

CAL
I'm sorry, but this young lady
should go. She's sixteen.

VERY YOUNG GIRL

What?!! What are you, a faggot?!

She storms out. Cal looks bummed.

BUZZER

ON ANDY'S TABLES

Andy is talking to a woman with tons of scary looking

TATTOOS.

ANDY
I find tattoos to be beautiful. I
like art.
TATTOO WOMAN
I guess you could say I am
addicted. Guys like to kiss me,
but they get really into kissing
Sat.an.
She reveals a tattoo of the devil on her upper chest.
CUT TO

QUICK CUTS of Andy's short dates. Each one cut off by the
buzzer. There are transition shots of him changing tables.

GIRL
Do you like oral sex?

ANDY
By oral do you mean ... phone sex?

•~ Buzzer .
 45.

ANDY
I guess I love Jesus. I don't not
love him.

Buzzer.

ANDY
I think I am kind. I am not mean.
Oh, you want me to be mean?

Buzzer.

ANDY
I think marijuana is fine. If you
like it. I am not a regular
smoker. I smoked it two times,
about eleven years ago. Actually
someone forced me to smoke it. By
force.

Buzzer.

ANDY
No, I have not had sex with two
girls at the same time. Not two.

Buzzer.

ANDY
I don't care if you have been to
prison. As long as you learned
your lesson.

Buzzer.

ANDY
I like to cuddle. I think.

Buzzer.

ANDY
I went to college. Jr. college. I
did not get a degree. There were
no degrees. Actually it was a
technical college. Technically it
was an arts and crafts class at
summer camp.

Buzzer.

ANDY
I never cheat on women. I am quite
monogamous. To myself even .
~
•
•
~- Buzzer.·

ANDY
46.

Do I think I could love you? It's

hard to know now ...

Buzzer.

ANDY
Do I snore? I don't know. How
would you know?

Buzzer.

ANDY
I like riding bikes. I ride my
bike to work. (beat) I don't have
a car.

The woman gets up and leaves.

ANDY
(genuinely concerned)
Are you okay?

Buzzer.

ANDY
How much do I have in the bank?
Are you allowed to ask me that?
Ok, eleven thousand dollars.

Buzzer ..

ANDY
Do I think women should work? If
they want to. You don't want to
work? Ever?

Buzzer.

ANDY
I don't hit people, even if they do
like it. I would feel weird about
that. But I am not judging.

Buzzer.

ON DAVID'S TABLE
David sits down at a table and sees his ex girlfriend, AMY.

... She looks pissed .

4t..
47.

DAVID
I am just here to help out a
friend.

AMY
Bullshit. You are so gross! I am
so glad I broke up with you.

DAVID
I'm gross?! You're here. You're
gross!

AMY
I am not here to get laid. I am
here to find a nice man.

DAVID
At speed dating?!

AMY
This just makes me realize I made
the right decision.

DAVID
And I made the right decision
accepting your decision. Skank.

AMY
Pinky dick.

The buzzer goes off. They switch tables. Suddenly Amy is

sitting across from Andy. She looks enraged.

ANDY
(sensing danger)
Hi 1 I'm Andy.
(beat)
I'm gonna be quiet now.

The buzzer goes off and they walk off.

EXT. PARKING LOT

The guys are walking to their cars, going over their

scorecards.

JAY
At least four I think would do me
right now.

... Which four?

CAL

•
 48.

DAVID
That was a good group. Eleven had
big boobs. Four had good boobs.
And five had small boobs. overall,
a nice turnout. What did you
think, Andy?
Andy can barely talk he is so flustered from this experience.

DAVID
Andy, are you okay?

ANDY
That was ... too much. Too fast.
Very fast. Didn't like. I'm gonna
go home.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - DAY

Jay walks over to Andy.

JAY
Come out to the floor.

Andy walks out on the floor. Cal and David are there. Also
standing there is the FLOOR MANAGER, PAUL.

PAUL
Andy, I am short a man today, so I
need you to be a salesman this
afternoon.

ANDY
What? I am not a salesman.

PAUL
Nobody knows the equipment like
you. I have been thinking about
it, and I think your destiny is on
the floor.

The Indian salesman, Aboojay, walks over.

ABOOJAY
What?!! We need no salesman. I
sell. This is bullshit.

PAUL
This is not bullshit. And I
recommend you show some respect or
you will be selling ... something

~
else ... somewhere else .

•
 49.

•..._ He's right.

ANDY
I haven't earned the
right.

PAUL
What are you talking about? You
have worked here longer than me.
Longer than anyone. It would be
fair if you were my boss.
ANDY
Thank you, but no thank you.

PAUL
(gets annoyed)
Andy, I am trying to get you laid.
The guys said you needed to get
women. There is no better singles
bar than that floor. It is a chick
magnet. So accept my kind
invitation before I rescind it.

ANDY
Thank you.

PAUL
Enjoy.

Paul walks away.

ANDY
Guys. I appreciate you doing this,
but I have to admit, I am really
scared. I am not good at talking
with women. It was hard enough
when they were drunk. And that
didn't even turn out well.

DAVID
Come on. Fear the fear and do it
anyway.

ANDY
You are right.

JAY
The floor is hopping. Look, we've
got a gorgeous young blonde at nine
o'clock. A red head at twelve.
And a brunette goth hotty at three.
Take your pick.

•""
•
l. This is
ABOOJAY
wrong.

CAL
Very wrong.
50.

Come on, he needs to be with a

woman.

ABOOJAY
I don't care about that. Just
don't fuck with my customers. My
customers are my customers, not
your customers. You fuck with
them, I fuck with you.

Jay pushes him away as if he is five years old.

JAY
Aboojay, get the fuck out of here.
Go have a hamburger.
(to Andy)
Ready.
Andy takes a deep breath, nods and heads out onto the floor.
He sees the GORGEOUS BLONDE. He walks toward her with a look
of determination. As he gets within five feet he starts
walking faster, turns a corner and walks up to an OLD MAN.

ANDY
(to the old man)
Good afternoon. And how may I help
you?

OLD MAN
I am looking for a TV.

ANDY
Well, you are talking to the right
guy.

Jay, David and Cal watch with disappointment.

DAVID
When he's done with him we'll get
him to talk to a girl.
DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - AN HOUR LATER

Andy is talking to the old man, only now he has oeveral boxes
in front of him. Equipment Andy has sold him.

l
•
•
~--
He's
hour.
been
CAL
working that guy for an
51.

DAVID
He filibustering so he doesn 1
t have
to talk to a girl.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - ANOTHER HOUR LATER

Andy is walking with the old man to the stock room where Andy
takes his ticket.

ANDY
This man is getting a DVD player,
VCR, Tivo, surround sound speakers
and a flat screen television with
high definition capabilities.

OLD MAN
Thank you, young man. You are the
best salesman I have ever met. You
were such a help.

ANDY
You 1 re sure you don't need anything
else? Possibly a car stereo.

OLD MAN
Not today. But thank you. I'll be
back.

The old man walks off. Andy looks relieved. Right then a
very pretty forty five year old WOMANwalks up to him.

WOMAN
Excuse me, can you help me?

Andy is flummoxed.

ANDY
Help? You? Uhm. I was about to
take my break.

WOMAN
It won't take long.

ANDY
Okay.

~
•
•
~ Hi, I'm
TRISH
Trish.
52.

ANDY
Andy ... is my name.
CUT TO:

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - LATER

Andy is nervously helping Trish.

ANDY
You don't want this VCR.

TRISH
Really? I heard this was the best
one.

ANDY
It's not, really. VCR technology
is very simple. Basically, no VCR
is that much better than another
VCR. The expensive ones don't give
you a better picture, they just
look cooler, and have more buttons
which you would never use.

Andy points out a standard looking VCR.

ANDY
This one has the features you need
and it is a third less than the
cool-looking one. Unless you
really want a cool-looking one.
Then you should get this one.
'Cause it does look cool. It's
black. Has a lot of lights.

TRISH
Looks are not a factor.

ANDY
Great. Then we have found what you
need.

The old man that Andy was helping previously walks over to
Andy.

OLD MAN
Excuse me. Is there anyone who can

_..., help me set up what I bought?

 53.
OLD MAN(cont'd)
I am not very technically minded.
And quite frankly, I can barely see
my own hand.

ANDY
Where do you live?

OLD MAN
Right down the street on Moorepark.

ANDY
I can swing by on my way home from
work and set it all up if you like.

OLD MAN
How much would that cost me?

ANDY
Nothing. It would be my pleasure.
I would enjoy it.

OLD MAN
That's very kind of you.

ANDY
You're doing me the favor. I like
hooking up TVs and stereos. It's
like solving a big puzzle.

OLD Ml\N
Thank you. Maybe I could bring in
something for you to eat.

l\NDY
And maybe I will gladly eat it.
Just give your address to the man
at the stock room.

The old man walks off. Trish looks at Andy. Andy looks at
Trish. She stares at him for a moment, trying to figure him
out. She likes something about him. l\s she figures out what
to do about it, Andy gets nervous.

ANDY
Well, have a good day.

TRISH
Andy. It's Andy, right?

ANDY
Last time I checked.
(nervous laugh)

_...,,
•
~-
Do you want
TRISH
to go out some time?
54.

ANDY
(swallows)
Excuse me?

TRISH
I don't mean to be forward. I'm
sorry.

ANDY
No. Don't be sorry.

TRISH
I just ... I don't know, I thought it
might be fun. You seem like a good
guy.
ANDY
I would love to. That seems like
something I would like, and ... yeah.
In fact, I was just about to ask
you.

TRISH
I beat you to it.

ANDY
(nervous laughter)
Yes you did.

TRISH
Great. This'll be fun. And don't
worry, I'm not going to ask you to
set up my VCR.

ANDY
I would do it.

TRISH
I was joking.

ANDY
Oh. Okay.
(not getting it)
But I would do it.

They smile at each other.

 55.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY

Andy is telling David and Jay what happened.

DAVID
See, I told you this was the move.

JAY
Who's the girl?

Andy points to Trish who is paying for her VCR.

JAY
Her. Oh man, you hit the jackpot.
She is a waitress next store. I
went out with her two years ago 1
and she is ready to go.

ANDY
Now I don't want to go out with
her.

JAY
I didn't do anything. We just had
one kiss.

ANDY
Oh, okay.
When Andy looks the other way Jay gestures with his hips that
he had sex with Trish. When Andy turns back he stops.

JAY
Good for you, man. This is good.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Andy and Trish are eating dinner.

TRISH
That's so funny that we work in the
same mini mall and we have never
seen each other.

ANDY
I've seen you. I eat at the
restaurant you work at on Monday's.

TRISH
Really? Every Monday?

~
•
 56.

ANDY
Yeah. I would eat there more, I
just don't want to get sick of it.

TRISH
Have I ever waited on you?

ANDY
Maybe a couple of times.

It is clearly way more than a couple of times.

TRISH
How long have you worked at Circuit
City?

ANDY
Nine years.

TRISH
Wow. Do you like it?

ANDY
Not really. But it's a good job.

TRISH
What would you like to be doing?

ANDY
I have a collection of antique
toys. I would like to open a
store that sells those kinds of
things. Maybe some comic books.
I don't know if I'll ever be able
to do it.

TRISH
Sure you will. You could do
anything.

ANDY
That's nice of you to say. What
about you?

TRISH
I want to work at that restaurant
for the rest of my life. I have no
goals or dreams. They've all been
drained out of me.

ANDY
That's not true .

.....
•
 57.

TRISH
I just want to be happy. I don't
care what I do, I just don't want
it to be too hard. Less hours. I
guess what I am saying is I want to
retire.

Andy laughs.

TRISH
(sweetly)
What is with you?

ANDY
What?

TRISH
There is something about you. I
can't tell what it is.

ANDY
Is it bad?

TRISH
I think it's good. But I don't
know. Are you for real?

ANDY
I'm real.

TRISH
Good.
CUT TO:

INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - DAY

Andy and Trish walk in the apartment.

TRISH
Can I get you a cocktail?

ANDY
Sure. Do you have orange soda?
It's okay if you don't. Most
people don't buy orange soda on a
regular basis. I don't know why.
It's really good.

Out of t.he blue, she kisses him hard on the mouth. The kiso
lasts a long time. At first he doesn't know what to do, but
after about ten seconds, he actually participates.
 58.

When she stops kissing and looks at him, he could not be

redder. He is stunned, but there is happiness in there.

TRISH
Let's go in the other room.

INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Trish jumps under the covers. She pulls off her shirt then
reaches under the sheets and removes her pants and underwear.

TRISH
Come on.

ANDY
Oh. Okay.
Andy gets under the covers with all his clothes on and kisses
Trish, who is now completely nude. He seems to be getting
the hang of it. There is a lot of pent-up energy there.

TRISH
Wow, you really like kissing.

ANDY
I do.
TRISH
Take off your clothes.

ANDY
Really?
TRISH
Is this too fast? I never do this.

ANDY
No.
Andy takes his pants off, but strangely, leaves on his shirt.
Probably to cover his bad wax job.
Trish shuts the lights. They kiss passionately. she takes
off his shirt.

TRISH
Do you have protection?

ANDY
I don't like guns.

She laughs.

L
•
•L Don 1 t worry,
TRISH
You have a silly sense
I think
of humor.
I have
59.

something.

She rea.ches into the drawer in the end table and pulls out a
small whicker basket filled with condoms. She clearly has
sex often enough to need this basket. Andy does not pick up
on this.

TRISH
Put one of these on.

Andy st.ares at the basket, not sure what to do. He has never
worn a condom. He slowly takes one out. He reaches under
the sheets, and we can 1 t see what he is doing but it is
obvious that he is tearing the wrapper open and attempting to
put the condom on.

Something goes wrong. He struggles.

ANDY
It tore. I need another one.

He grabs another one. The same thing happens. For reasons

which are not clear, he can not figure out how to get this
condom on properly.

Andy attempts this many more times. In quick cuts we see him
struggle with at least a dozen condoms as he gets more and
more frustrated with this process. Each time he fails, he
tosses the condom and the wrapper on the floor next to him.

Finally he gets one on.

ANDY
There you go. Sorry about that. I
always have trouble with those
things. I haven't used 'em much.
(beat)
My last girlfriend took pills.

TRISH
I'm sure it will be worth the wait.

Now they go at it more passionately. It seems like it is

going to happen when-

THE DOOR OPENS - THE LIGHTS GO ON

MARLA
What is going on in here?!
•Lr- We reveal Trish's sixteen
next to her is her boyfriend
year old daughter,
MARK.
MARLA.
60.

Standing

TRISH
What are you doing?

ANGLE ON
A stack of condoms and torn wrappers.

ANGLE ON MARLA - STARING AT THEM

MARLA
What are you doing? I can 1 t
believe you are allowed to have sex
but I'm not! That is sooo
unfair!!!

She slams the door and exits.

ANDY
I should go.

TRISH
No, it's okay. I just need to talk
to her.
ANDY
No, I should.

He kisses her then quickly gets out of bed and begins putting
his clothes on. We see his insanely bad wax job has left
random strips of hair on his body. He puts his clothes on
and exits.

TRISH
I'm sorry.

ANDY
Don't be.

He runs out. Traumatized again.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Andy rides his bike to work. He looks confused and consumed.

Everywhere he looks he sees sexual images; billboards, people
walking down the street, etc.
He drives into the parking lot of the mini mall where Circuit

... City is
the girl
located. As he is
from the bookstore,
locking
walking
his bike, he sees Beth,
from her car to work.
•
\.., BETH
Good morning.
61.

Andy thinks. He remembers what he is supposed to do with

her. Ask questions.

ANDY
(after a beat)
Is it a good morning?

BETH
I hope it is.

ANDY
Hmmm.

BETH
Some days I am just not in the mood
to work.

ANDY
What are you in the mood to do?

BETH
( f 1 ummoxed)
Oh, I don' t know ...

ANDY
You don't know? Or do you know?

She thinks he is being sexy, but he has no idea what he is

saying.

BETH
You're bad.

ANDY
Are you bad?

Andy walks off. She looks like she is about to have an

orgasm. As she walks toward the bookstore where she works
she almost trips.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - DAY

Andy is selling a stereo to an UNATTRACTIVE MAN. There are

pretty girls in the store, but Andy has let the other
salesmen handle them. Jay walks over to Andy.

JAY
Don't worry about what happened
last night.
'-
•
•
~
Tonight
Holiday Inn.
JAY (cont'd)
I am having

be earth-shattering.
Are you free?
a party
Room 313. It's
Be there.
at the
gonna
62.

ANDY
I think so.

JAY
I was kidding. I know you're free.

Jay walks off.

EXT. HOLIDAY INN - NIGHT

Andy rides his bike up to the front of the hotel.

INT. HOLIDAY INN HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Andy walks down the hallway looking for the room. When he
finds it, the door is cracked open. He enters.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Andy looks around the suite. There is nobody in sight.

ANDY
Hello.
He turns to leave. A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMANcomes out of the
bedroom.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Hello.

ANDY
Are you here for Jay's party?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Yes.

ANDY
Where is everybody? Are we early?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
No, we're right on time.

ANDY
Then everyone is late. That 1
s not
very polite.
•~.

Andy sits
Come sit

on the couch.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
down.

She sits down right next to him.

63.

Andy does not know what to make of this.

ANDY
So where do you know Jay from?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
We just met the other night.
You're handsome.

ANDY
Thank you. You're pretty.

She puts her hand on his knee.

ANDY
What's going on?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
The party is getting started.

ANDY
Nobody else is coming?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
I'm all the party you need.

ANDY
Oh my God.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Don't be nervous. I'll take good
care of you.

ANDY
Are you a ... prostitute?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
I'm whoever you want me to be. I
can be a prostitute, or I can be
that sweet innocent girl you had a
crush on in high school. You know,
the cute one who never looked at
you but now she realizes she made a
mistake and wants to make up for it
by sucking your cock.

Andy backs away to the other side of the couch. She follows
him .

• 4.,
•
L.- Oh God.
ANDY
Did Jay do this?
64.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
They're good friends. They just
want you to have a good time.
Don't worry, I've been with virgins
before. It's okay that you know
nothing, because at the end of
tonight you are going to know
everything. You're gonna do
everything. Nothing is off limits.
They paid extra for that.

ANDY
How much are they paying you?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Five hundred for two hours.

ANDY
I will give you six hundred dollars
to leave now. Or we can find
someone else that you can have sex
with. I'm sure we can find someone
to use that credit on.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
You don't have to have sex with me.
I've been paid. If you want I can
just go home now. No skin off my
apple.

ANDY
(feels bad)
No, no, no. I'm sorry. I've
insulted you. Maybe I'll want to
have sex. Let 1 s just slow down.
Maybe there is something else we
can do for a minute.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTSLATER

They are laying on the bed watching "Lord Of The Rings" on

pay per view.

ANDY
This is better. This way we can

.....
watch the movie .
•L Get
then

How long
to
maybe
ANDY(cont'd)
know each other
we can

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
is this
a little,
do something.

movie? I only
65.

have two hours.

ANDY
It's three and a half hours.

The prostitute know what this means, and rel-axes. There will
be no sex tonight. She starts watching the movie.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Who's that guy?

ANDY
(more relaxed)
That's the hero of the story. He
doesn't know it, but it's his
responsibility to save the world.

They start watching the movie.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - THREE AND A HALF HOURS LATER

The prostitute is asleep. The credits are rolling on the TV.

Andy gets off the bed and looks at her. She looks sweet when
she is asleep. He gently kisses her on the cheek, looks at
her again, then walks out the door.
CUT TO:

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - NEXT MORNING

Andy is talking to Jay, David and Cal.

CAL
And then what did you do to her?

ANDY
I was like, if this is paid for
then I am gonna get my money's
worth!

DAVID
That's my man!

_...,
•
~- ANDY
So I took her from the
took her from the back.
front. I
I took her
66.

from the side.

JAY
You did the side.

ANDY
Both sides! She was screaming.
She was like, "I want to have more
sex with you. Let's continue to do
this dirty sex."

CAL
How was her ass?

ANDY
It was so ... perfectly in
proportion. And when I took off
her panties ... they were all filled
with baby powder and--

JAY
Oh Goddammitt! Nothing happened!

ANDY
I did her. Did her ... big time did
her.

CAL
That cost us five hundred bucks.

DAVID
Shut up, you kicked in twenty
bucks.

CAL
Sorry if I'm not as rich as you.

JAY
This is bullshit. I give up.
There's no helping you.

ANDY
Buying a streetwalker is not
helping me. I told you I wanted to
meet a nice girl. Someone I might
even like. I am not a pig like you
guys.

_...,
 67.

JAY
No, you are certainly not. You are
pure as the driven snow, and you
plan on staying that way.

DAVID
Lay off, Jay.

JAY
No, I tried to do him a favor. You
know how hard it was to find her.
Someone I thought he might like.
That took work. And does he
appreciate it? No.

CAL
Does she owe us one? I mean she
took the money.

DAVID
No.

CAL
Shit.

ANDY
I'd appreciate it if you took your
nose out of my business!

Beth is walking outside of the store with a FRIEND from work.

She sees the guys arguing, but does not hear the words. From
her point of view it looks like Andy is bossing them around,
and she finds it very attractive.

ANDY
I may be a virgin, but you're the
ones who need to grow up! Life
isn't about sex, it's about being a
good person. And I would rather
treat people well than stick my
wiener in 'em. And I say that
proudly. And if you don't like it,
then I'll get some new friends.
That is if I ever really was your
friend.

A FEMALE CUSTOMER walks up.

FEMALE CUSTOMER
Can anyone help me?

ANDY
I'd be glad to .

• 4,,,,.,
•
L,_. Andy walks
Beth turns
off. The guys
to her friend.

BETH
look depressed. Outside the
68.

store

That guy is so hot. I could eat

him up.

INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - EVENING

Andy walks in, pets his cat, then checks his messages.

ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi, this is Trish. I hope you
don't mind me calling you. Your
friends at work gave me your
number. I feel bad about what
happened the other night and
wondered if you would let me make
it up to you.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Andy and Trish are having dinner.

TRISH
I am sorry I didn't tell you I had
kids.
ANDY
Why didn't you tell me?

TRISH
Most guys don't want to go out with
a "mother."

ANDY
Why not?

TRISH
Are you serious?

ANDY
Yeah.

TRISH
Then I won't tell you. No need to
put ideas in your head.

ANDY
How many kids do you have?

•"
•
L-
Two.
(pause)
TRISH
69.

ANDY
How old are they?

TRISH
Six, twelve and ... twenty six.

ANDY
That's three.

TRISH
Oh. Is it?

They laugh.

ANDY
You must have been really young why
you had the twenty six year old.

TRISH
Why do you say that?

ANDY
Because you are so young now.

TRISH
Are you full of shit or is this
real?

ANDY
Why do you keep saying that?

TRISH
(kind of kidding)
Because if you're for real, I'm
gonna fall in love with you.

Andy blushes.

TRISH
I'm sorry. I'm just goofing with
you.

ANDY
I know.

It is clear she is not goofing.

_...,
•L- more, that
TRISH
I was thinking, if we go out
we shouldn't have
any
sex.
70.

ANDY
Uh-huh.

TRISH
I just think it complicates things
too much, and then you never get to
really know someone because that is
always confusing things.

ANDY
It's very confusing.

TRISH
Does that bother you?

ANDY
Hmmm. Let me think about that. I
see what you are saying. Obviously
I want to
(whispers)
Do it.
(normal voice)
But I can see your point. If we
don't have sex, we can really get
to know each other.

TRISH
And if that works out, then we can
have sex. Like really have sex.

They laugh.

ANDY
Just tons and tons of sex.

They both laugh. Andy could not be more relieved to have the
pressure taken away.

TRISH
(charmed)
You're doing it again.

ANDY
What?

_...,
 71.

INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - LATER

Andy and Trish are watching television. Her daughter, Marla,

comes inside with Trish's six year-old daughter JULIA.

MARLA
{covers eyes)
Is it safe to come in or are you
doing it?

TRISH
It's safe. Marla, Julia. This is
Andy.

MARLA
(uninterested)
Hello.

Julia nods shyly.

ANDY
Hi.

MARLA
We came home because we got bored
and couldn't think of anything else
to do.

JULIA
Can we watch TV?

TRISH
No. You 1 ve watched enough
television for today. Why don't
you guys read?

!"ARLA
I am so sick of reading. That's
all we do all day at school.

ANDY
Hey. Let me show you something.
Do you have a quarter?

Marla digs out a quarter. Andy puts it in his palm and shows
the two of them. Then he closes his palm and opens it. It
is gone.

MARLA
You 1 re not doing magic, are you?

......
•
 72.

JULIA
I love magic. Where did it go?

Andy puts his hands out again, opens them and it is back.
Then he puts it in one palm, closes it, and it is two
quarters. Julia squeals with delight.

JULIA
How did you do that?

ANDY
I don't know, it 1
s, uh ... magic.

Andy closes his hand, opens it and they are gone, then opens
the other hand and there are three quarters. Then he closes
his hands, opens them, and the quarters are gone but the
other hand has a dollar bill in it.

JULIA
That's crazy. How did you learn
how to do that?

ANDY
I have a lot of free time.

Trish smiles. He is great with her kids.

JULIA
Can you show me how to do it?

ANDY
The magicians code says I am not
allowed to say how tricks are
performed.

Julia frowns.

ANDY
But who cares about magicians?
They're creepy anyway. If they get
mad, I'll punch them in the nose.

Julia laughs and Andy starts showing her how to do the trick.
Marla c_an' t help but like him. Trish beams.

EXT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Andy is saying goodnight to Marla.

TRISH
Aren't you glad we didn't do it?

"-
•
•L So glad.
ANDY
Let's never do it.
73.

She laughs.
TRISH
Okay.

ANDY
Do you want to go out again?

TRISH
Uh ...
(quickly}
YES.

ANDY
Like in, I don't know, fifteen
minutes?

TRISH
Or tomorrow.

ANDY
Tomorrow it is.

Andy leans in, and for the first time in the film, he is the
instigator of a kiss. It is short but sweet and heartfelt.

Andy walks off. He looks happy.

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY STREETS NIGHT

Andy drives his bike home. He can not wipe the smile from
his face. He occasionally giggles.
CUT TO:

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - DAY

Andy is talking with David, Jay and Cal by the water cooler.

JAY
This is a huge mistake.

ANDY
Why?

......
•
•
L- She has
JAY
three

ANDY
kids.
74.

So?

CAL
At least we know she's had sex.

DAVID
At least three times.

They laugh.

ANDY
I don't care. I like her.

JAY
What about Beth from the bookstore?

ANDY
I don't know. I want to see what
happens with Trish. I am only one
man. I can't go out with everyone.

DAVID
I love this guy. He's already got
more women than he can handle.

JAY
I don't mean to ruin this for you,
but I had sex with her. On a first
date.

Andy stares angrily at him.

ANDY
So? What is that supposed to make
me not like her--because she made
one terrible mistake?

David and Cal crack up.

CAL
Ooooh! Andy is burning you.

The store manager, Paul, walks over.

PAUL
Andy, I just got back the numbers
from the last few weeks. You are
our number one salesman by far.

•"
•
L.,_. Really?
been having
ANDY
That's great.
a great time.
Well, I"ve
75.

PAUL
Maybe you will have an even better
time now that I have made you the
floor manager.

ANDY
Me?

PAUL
That's right. Now all these
jackasses are working under you.
Enjoy.

ANDY
Thank you.

Paul exits.

ANDY
(looks at them)
Well, what are you sitting around
for? Get out there and make some
sales.

Jay glares at him. David and Cal smile. Punjab walks by

them.

PUNJAB
This the bullshit of all bullshits.

ANDY
No backtalk or you're gonna be
gone ...
(nervous)
My friend.

PUNJAB
I am sorry ... sir.

Punjab heads out onto the floor. Andy is feeling good.

JAY
You're getting in too deep.

ANDY
You have no idea what you are
talking about.

... CUT TO:

•
~. IN TOO DEEP MONTAGE

EXT. STREET - DAY

76 .

Andy rides his bike with Trish. They are having a blast.

INT. TRISH'S KITCHEN DAY

Andy makes the family homemade ice cream. They are all
eating it out of the ice cream maker, happily.

We meet Kim, Trish 1

s twenty six year-old daughter.

ANDY
I can't believe you are her
daughter. You look like sisters.

KIM
One of us should be insulted. I
think it's me.

ANDY
I didn't mean ...

KIM
No, I'm kidding. My mom is
gorgeous!

Trish hugs Kim. They are very close.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Andy is riding a huge grown up tricycle with Trish's six year-
old daughter, Julia. She likes Andy.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Andy is showing Trish's kids some collectible action figures.

We see him hesitate, then take a scissor and open up the
never before opened boxes they are housed in. He hands one
to each of them.

EXT. MOUNTAIN TRAILS - DAY

Andy is riding mountain bikes with Trish's sixteen year-old

daughter Marla. She is impressed by how good he is at the
sport.
 77.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Andy and Trish are kissing.

TRISH
I love kissing you because you are
so in the moment. It's like you
enjoy it so much, you don't want to
do anything else.

ANDY
I don't.

TRISH
You are so sweet~

EXT. STREET - DAY

Andy, Trish, Julia, Marla and Kim are riding down the street.

ANDY
Let's race!

They all ride directly at camera as fast as they can. Andy

is the winner.
~--·

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - DAY

Jay looks upset as he speaks to an ANNOYING MALE CUSTOMER.

ANNOYING CUSTOMER
If I buy it, will you throw in a CD
carrying case?

JAY
Uh ... okay, fine. So, I will write
this up for you and--

ANNOYING CUSTOMER
Hold on. I think I'm gonna need
you to throw in an extended
warranty. On the house.

JAY
I can't do that.

ANNOYING CUSTOMER
Then I am going to have to take my
business elsewhere.

{.,
•
..
•
Iii,.- Fine. Beat
JAY
it.

ANNOYING CUSTOMER
78 .

Okay, I will take it.

JAY
Now you can 1
t have it. Any of it.
Sorry.

ANNOYING CUSTOMER
What? That's not fair.

JAY
Oh yeah. Well life isn't fair. I
just added a hundred dollars to the
price. I can do anything.
ANNOYING CUSTOMER
You're an asshole.

JAY
Now the stereo costs ten thousand
dollars. Will that be Visa or
American Express?

ANDY
Is there a problem here?

CUSTOMER
Yeah. This jack off is trying to
charge me ten thousand dollars for
this stereo.

ANDY
Is that true?

JAY
Yes it is. Actually not. It's a
million dollars. Not fair huh?
Life can be like that.

ANNOYING CUSTOMER
Fuck this.

JAY
No, fuck you. You can't always get
what you want. Next time you won't
think you get to make the rules
because in this house I make the
rules, bitch!

_..,, Andy walks Jay into the stock room.

•
l..,. INT. STOCK ROOM - DAY

ANDY
79.

What's going on?

JAY
Jill broke up with me.

ANDY
I'm so sorry. What happened?

JAY
She just lost her mind.

He starts crying.

JAY
It's so unfair.

ANDY
I'm so sorry.

JAY
She caught me with this girl and
she lost her mind. It wasn't that
big a deal. It's so unfair. To
throw out six years over some
skank.
Cal walks in. Jay instantly acts like he is not crying, even
though there are tears pouring out of his eyes.

JAY
I just think that we should be
pushing the Bose speakers more
because they are clearly of a
higher quality.

Cal realizes something is wrong and exits.

JAY
(the moment Cal is gone)
Oh, fuck me, fuck me! Now I know
why people kill themselves. I
really understand.

ANDY
Well maybe you shouldn't have
cheated on her .

...
•'-" I know.
unfair
learn
JAY
I know.
for her to
that lesson.
But
not
it is
allow
so
me to
80 .

David walks in to get something. Again Jay acts like nothing

is wrong, his face covered in tears.

JAY
I just think I am stronger when you
put me in afternoon shifts. I get
groggy in the morning.

David exits.

JAY
I have nowhere to go. We were
living together, but she dumped all
my stuff on the street.

ANDY
You can stay with me.

JAY
Thank you, Andy. You are a great
man.

Jay hugs Andy.

JAY
I am sorry I ever gave you a hard
time. You were right about
everything. You should never let
sex run your life. Never.

Punjab walks in and sees them.

PUNJAB
This is why I am getting all the
shit shifts. This is the bullshit
of all bullshits.

He storms out.

INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - DAY

Andy knocks on the door and enters. Trish hurries over to

him.

TRISH
I'm so glad you're here. I need
your help.

•"'
•
~.
Sure. What
ANDY

TRISH
is it?
81.

Can you take Marla to Planned

Parenthood? She wants to go on the
pill.

ANDY
Me?

TRISH
Her father is dead set against it.
I am too. But I thought maybe you
could bring her down there just to
get some information. Maybe we
could delay her for a little bit
while we figure out what to do.

ANDY
Isn't she a little young to go on
the pill?

TRISH
She's sixteen. And she won't
listen to me. I told her she
should wait till she's much older
to have sex, but it's hard for me
to say that when I had a kid at
seventeen. So I thought maybe she
would listen to you.

ANDY
I don't know if I am the right
person to do this.

TRISH
Yes you are. She has no issues
with you. She likes you. Gosh,
this was so much easier when we
were young.

ANDY
Yeah.

TRISH
When we were kids, you just did it.
It was fun. It was no big deal.
There weren't all these horrible
diseases. Now the whole thing is
terrifying.

_..,
 82.

ANDY
Truly terrifying.
(beat)
Not like when we were young.

TRISH
I lost my virginity at fourteen.

ANDY
Me too. Fourteen years old. So
young. So very young.

TRISH
Now I wish she held onto it till
she was like, fifty.

ANDY
That's crazy talk.

TRISH
You'd really be coming through for
me if you did this. I wouldn't
forget it.

ANDY
Won't she be uncomfortable?

TRISH
No.

ANDY
I would think it would be very
uncomfortable.

TRISH
I don't know where else to turn. I
don 1 t want her to ruin her life.
It' 11 be fine .
CUT TO:

INT. CAR - DAY

Andy is driving a sullen-looking Marla to Planned Parenthood.

MARLA
This is so gross.

ANDY
What?
•
~ You taking
MARLA
me here.

ANDY
83 .

I don't mean it to be gross. Your

mother thought you needed someone
to talk to.

MARLA
Andy, you're a nice guy, but you're
practically a stranger. I don't
want to talk about sex with you.

ANDY
Either do I. I know it's
embarrassing, but you need to
inform yourself. I think that is
very important before you make a
life-changing decision. 'Cause
once you have sex, there is no
turning back. You will never be
the same again, and what if you
want to go back? But you can't.
There are no time machines. The
pandora's box will be open.

MARLA
Okay, I get it. Stop trying to
freak me out. I'll listen.
CUT TO:

INT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD - DAY

Andy and Marla sit across from JUDITH, a counselor.

JUDITH
Coming here was a very smart thing
to do. A lot of young people act
without thinking. Carefully
considering your options is a very
responsible way to act. You should
be proud of yourself.

MARLA
Would it be weird if I just asked
you for the pill right now?

JUDITH
A sense of humor is an effective
weapon in high school. I'm sure it

_..., serves you well.

•I..- I was trying
is no reason
engage
ANDY
to tell
that
in sexual
her that
she needs
activity
to
there

at such a
84 .

young age.

JUDITH
That's true. Your virginity is a
gift. A gift you shouldn't be so
quick to give away.

ANDY
I completely agree.

JUDITH
There are plenty of activities you
can engage in without having sex
that can be fun and safe.

ANDY
( interested)
What kind of activities? I'm sure
she 1 s interested in knowing.

JUDITH
Well, instead of having
intercourse, you might want to try
outercourse.

MARLA
Outercurse. Uch. What's that?

ANDY
Yeah, what's that?

Andy is leaning forward in his chair, way more interested

than Marla.

JUDITH
Outercourse is anything that isn't
vaginal intercourse. It can be
just having fun in a non-sexual way
with your friend. Or it can be
kissing.

ANDY
Kissing is nice.

JUDITH
And there are many ways to be
sexual without intercourse - such

... as body rubbing,

call "dry humping."
which you might

•
•... See, you
ANDY
can do that.

JUDITH
85 .

Masturbation, mutual masturbation.

ANDY
What's that?

JUDITH
That's when you both masturbate at
the same time.

ANDY
(to Marla)
You could do that instead.

JUDITH
There's deep kissing, erotic
massage, oral sex play, role-
playing, and sharing fantasies with
a partner.

ANDY
So there are a lot of things you
can do instead of sex.

JUDITH
It's only limited by your
imagination.

MARLA
I think I'm gonna vomit.

JUDITH
That's very funny, but this is
serious business. Outercourse
offers nearly 100 percent
protection against pregnancy.

ANDY
That's a plus. I didn't know that.

JUDITH
Outercourse can also greatly reduce
the risk of HIV/AIDS and many other
sexually transmitted infections -
unless body fluids are exchanged
through oral or anal intercourse.
But some infections, like herpes
and HPV, can be passed by skin-to-
skin contact.

_.,,,,
• 86 .

~ .. ANDY
This is fantastic. What would
someone do about performance
anxiety? 'Cause I am sure Marla
and her friend are worried that
their sex won't be satisfying, and
then the unsatisfied partner might
fly into a rage and break it off
with the inadequate partner.

JUDITH
Sex takes practice, but there are
many techniques to extend the
amount of time that a man can
maintain his erection. Including
visualization techniques and a
personal favorite of mine, which is
called pinching. What a woman does
is, right when her man is about to
ejaculate she pinches his---

MARLA
I've got to get out of here.

ANDY

••
Marla!

She runs out to the car.

ANDY
Can't you just let her finish?!
(to Judith)
I'm sorry. You have a lot of this
information on your web site,
right?

INT. CAR - DAY

Andy and Marla are driving home.

ANDY
I thought that was very
informative.

MARLA
Can we not talk? I think I'm gonna
be sick.

ANDY
Well, what do you think?

_...,
•L I think
ever.
MARLA
I don't want to have sex
87.

ANDY
I'm with you.

INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT

Andy is talking to Trish.

TRISH
I don't know what you did, but she
has completely changed her tune.

ANDY
It wasn't really me. She is a
smart kid. Once she got all the
right information, she knew what to
do.

TRISH
Thank you. You'd make a great dad.

ANDY
You think so.

TRISH
I know so. I've seen it.

ANDY
(nervously)
Well, I better get going. It's
been a long day.

TRISH
Stay.

ANDY
I can't. I've got to ... go to work
in the morning.

TRISH
I'll make it worth your while.

ANDY
(shocked)
Trish.

TRISH
She's not allowed to do it, but we
are.

•'--
•
L,_. Andy
to
is cornered.
do it,
He isn't
and he doesn't

ANDY
sure what to do.
want to debate it.
He doesn't
He thinks,
88.

want
then--

You crazy chick. I'm gonna have to

give you one of their pamphlets.

He giggles nervously at his own joke and exits before she can
react.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - DAY

Andy is with a FEMALE customer. He is more confident than we
have ever seen him.

ANDY
You could go that way, but for the
extra money you are getting a
product that will be the
centerpiece of your home.

FEMALE CUSTOMER
I don't know.

ANDY
Well, don't decide today. As I
always say, there is nothing wrong
with delaying an important
decision. ·

FEMALE CUSTOMER
You know what, I'm gonna go for it.

ANDY
Great. I will write it up for you.

He walks to the register. Trish walks over to him.

TRISH
Hi, honey.

We reveal David, Jay and Cal watching this exchange.

ANDY
Oh, hi. What are you doing here?

TRISH
I knew you were working a long
shift today, so I brought you a
healthy lunch, and look. I found
you the cutest sweater.

•"'
•
t.i,_. She holds it

I love
up. It

it.
is

ANDY
in

Thank
fact

you.
a cute sweater.
89.

He gives her a quick kiss.

TRISH
Well, I have a lot of errands to
run. Marla and I are going
shopping for prom dresses. I'll
see you for dinner.

ANDY
Not if I see you first.

He laughs at his bad joke. She exits. The guys walk up to

him.
DAVID
How's that healthy lunch?

David and Cal laugh.

CAL
Yeah. Is it healthy?

DAVID
You need to stay healthy if you
want to fit into that cute sweater.

ANDY
Guys. Come on.

DAVID
You are in deep.

JAY
So? Maybe he likes it.

CAL
Do you even know what you have
done? You are dating a woman with
two kids.
ANDY
Three. One is twenty six. Lives
in Ohio. Has a one year-old boy.
Jackson.
CAL
So she's a grandmother.

•"'
•
L.--- I didn't

CAL
ANDY
say that.
90 .

She has a kid. That makes Trish a

grandmother.

JAY
Lay off him. He has fallen for
this woman. And he is happy.
That's all that matters.

CAL
Don't get all soft because your
girl dumped you.

JAY
She didn't dump me. We are giving
each other some space.

DAVID
I'm not saying it's wrong, but I am
saying, you better make sure this
is what you want. As soon as the
Tupperware and the sweaters come
out, it is over. You are as good
as married.

ANDY
Maybe that's what I want.

CAL
Well, getting married would be a
good way to avoid sex.

They all laugh.

CAL
I read that in a "Cathy" cartoon.

JAY
You are such a fag.

CAL
Cathy is funny!

INT. ANDY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Andy and Trish are watching the very end of a film.

...
ANDY
That was a good movie--
•
~- Trish starts kissing

Let's do it
him.

TRISH
right now.
91.

ANDY
Do what?
TRISH
Have sex.

ANDY
Oh, that goes against our
agreement.

TRISH
Fuck that agreement, I want you
right now. I can't take it any
longer.

She puts her hand on his crotch.

ANDY
Maybe we shouldn't have
intercourse.

TRISH
Huh?

ANDY
We're just letting our hormones
think for us. Let's have
outercourse.

TRISH
What is outercourse?

ANDY
Mutual masturbation. Rubbing on
each other with our clothes on.
Fooling around without exchanging
fluids. It's fun and it's
responsible.

TRISH
What the fuck are you talking
about? Are you high?

ANDY
No, I am respecting you .

...
 92.

TRISH
I knew there was something about
you. You're too mellow. Are you
on oxycotin?

ANDY
No!

TRISH
Do you think I'm unattractive?
Old? What the hell's the matter
with me? What the hell's the
matter with you?

ANDY
Nothing. We had an agreement.

TRISH
Not forever.

ANDY
Well you can't just break the
agreement without talking to me
about it.

TRISH
I am talking to you about it now.

ANDY
Well I am saying I want to think
about it.

TRISH
For how long?

ANDY
A couple of weeks. What's the
rush?

TRISH
Because I am in love with you.

She waits for him to reply in kind, but he is stunned. He is

mainly thinking "if I say I love her, which I do, she will
want to.have sex with me. What to do?"

TRISH
(she counts)
Two, three, four, five. Fuck!

ANDY
What?
•...._ If
five
someone
seconds,
Anything
TRISH
doesn't

after
there's
that
say it back
trouble.
is bullshit.
in
93 .

ANDY
You can't put that kind of pressure
on someone.

TRISH
If you love someone, there is no
pressure. I knew I shouldn't have
said that.

ANDY
That's not true.

TRISH
Wow, you still haven't said it.

ANDY
What is going on? Where is this
coming from?

TRISH
You fucker. Don't play head games
with me.

ANDY
What? I'm not playing.

TRISH
You are not just playing with me.
I am part of a family. If that
sucks, tough shit, that's just how
it is.

ANDY
Who's complaining?

TRISH
Get out. Just get out. You liar.

ANDY
I didn't lie.

TRISH
Yes you did. You're not who you
said you were.

ANDY

... Who did I say I was?

•
1...- TRISH
You said you were the one.
one would have passion
would want me.
for me.
Would love me.
But the

He
94.

wouldn't always be moving away just

a little when I touched him. It's
cruel. So, just get out!

Andy is pushed out the door.

INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Andy enters his apartment. Jay is there packing up his

things ..
ANDY
What happened?

JAY
Me and Jill are getting back
together. She's pregnant.

ANDY
With your kid?

JAY
Yeah, with my kid. That's why she
broke up with me. Because she
found out she was pregnant, and she
didn't know if I would be a good
dad in light of the fact that I
cheat on her all the time.

ANDY
so this is good?

JAY
It's the best. I love her sooo
much. This was meant to happen. I
was meant to be with her and to be
the father to this child. I will
never screw around again. I am so
lucky.

ANDY
(sadly)
I am so happy for you.

JAY
Did something happen?

_.,,
•
~ I'm sorry.
ANDY

your good news.

\cause Trish
I don't mean to ruin
I'm just sad
wants to have sex.
95 .

JAY
That's what you wanted.

ANDY
No, she really wants to have sex.
Like right now. What do I do? If
she finds out I am a virgin she
won't like me anymore. She will
think I am a loser.

JAY
No, she won't.

ANDY
She will. What kind of man doesn't
have sex for forty years? And I am
about to turn forty one. If I turn
forty one without having sex,
that's really pathetic.

JAY
Then don't tell her. Just have sex
with her. Give it to her really
good.

ANDY
I don't know how to do that.

JAY
You might get lucky. You might be
good.

ANDY
Really?

JAY
Well ... since you have forty years
of sexual energy stored up, there
is a chance that it might not last
very long.

ANDY
This is what I was worried about.
If I am honest, she'll think I am
defective. If I have sex it will
be bad and she won't want to be
with me. I'll never get a second
chance.
~
•
•L JAY
Hold on, relax.
you some advice
want you to just
I am going to give
right now.
take it because
And I
I
96.

know what I am talking about. I

took my girlfriend for granted. I
didn't appreciate her. I didn't
accept that she was the best person
could ever dream of. And because
of that, I almost lost her. But
now that I have been honest with
her, we are going to have a long
life together. And a child.

J!.!,ffi'RE)
So you think I should just tell her
everything.

JAY
No. I think you should get it on
with that girl Beth from the
bookstore. Pay attention. Learn
as much as you can, then use that
knowledge with Trish.

ANDY
That doesn't sound ethical.

JAY
What, she likes you. She wants
you. You would be giving her
something she wants. What's
unethical about that. You aren't
asking her to marry you so you can
steal her fortune.

ANDY
That makes sense.

JAY
I think it is what Trish would
want.

ANDY
Thank you, Jay. I know I have been
tough on you, but without your
advice I wouldn't have gotten this
far.

JAY
Thanks. That means a a lot to me.
Now go get that girl.

fi.,.
•
 97.
JAY(cont'd)
And when you're done--go get your
girl and do her!
CUT TO:

INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY

Andy walks over to where Beth is putting away books.

ANDY
Hey.

BETH
Hey.

ANDY
I was going to ask you to hang out
after work tonight, but I heard you
were busy.

BETH
Busy with what?

ANDY
Busy hanging out with me after
work.

She is not sure what this means, but she smiles. She likes
him.
CUT TO:

INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - DAY

Trish, Marla and Julia are decorating the house. A banner

reads "HAPPY FORTY FIRST BIRTHDAY ANDY."

Trish starts putting frosting on a cake.

TRISH
Come on, hurry up. I want
everything to be perfect when he
gets here.

JULIA
He is gonna be so surprised.
CUT TO:
•
~-
INT. ANDY'S BATHROOM- DUSK

Andy is preparing for his date.

98.

Quick Cuts:
*Andy irons his socks and underwear.

*Using a hand mirror to see his back, he waxes some stray

strips of hair.
*Andy puts deodorant on his underarms, and his palms.

*Andy trims his nose hair. Then plucks his uni-brow.

*Andy opens his mouth. He is wearing the teeth whitening

strips made by Crest. He takes them off, then smiles at the
results. Then he scrapes his tongue.
*Andy pulls a Biori strip off his nose. He looks at it, then
grimaces in disgust.

*We reveal that Andy's entire face is covered with Biori

strips. He starts peeling them off.
*Andy opens a very large box of condoms and puts one in his
wallet. He has to discard lots of other business and credit
cards to make room for it.

CUT TO:

INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Trish, Julia and Marla are sitting at the kitchen table

waiting for Andy.
TRISH
This is so unlike him. He always
comes straight over from work.

They hear a noise at the door.

TRISH
Shhhh. That's him. Come on.

They al.l walk to the door. Trish throws it open.

EVERYONE
Happy Birthday!!!!

•"
•
II,-· We reveal
Chinese
that
restaurant
it is
in
an ASIAN MAN who is
their

DELIVERY MAN
mail slot.
putting a menu for
99.

Thank you. You three weeks late.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Andy sits across from Beth. Both are kind of dressed up.

ANDY
Do you like working at the
bookstore?

BETH
Yeah. It's really quiet. We don't
have that many customers and the
ones we do have are really mellow.
Which is good because I used to
work at a restaurant, and it was
really busy and hectic, and I could
never get the orders right, so I
kind of got fired.

ANDY
You must love reading?

BETH
Not really. I'm not much of a
reader. I'm more of a do-er. But
they have a great magazine rack, so
I like to read those. I know
they're not books, but some of them
are pretty long.

Andy is trying to stay interested in Beth, but. it is

difficult.
CUT TO:

INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Trish is putting on her jacket. Marla and Julia watch.

MARLA
Where do you think he is?
•..,. I don't
nervous.
TRISH
know, but I'm getting
Maybe someone hit him
100 .

when he was riding his bicycle

over. I'm gonna go drive the route
from his house and see if I can
find him.

Trish runs out.

CUT TO:

INT. BETH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Andy and Beth are walking in to the apartment.

BETH
Thank you for dinner.

ANDY
It was my pleasure.

BETH
Care for a drink?

ANDY
Sure.

She gets two glasses of wine. She hands one to Andy. He

drinks the entire glass down when she turns away.

BETH
I have wanted you to ask me out for
a long time.

ANDY
I've wanted to go out with you for
a long time.

BETH
You are so handsome.

She stares into Andy's eyes. She is clearly waiting for a

kiss. Andy locks up. This makes it appear like he is giving
her a white hot sexual stare, but he is just terrified and
not sure what to do.

BETH
You melt me .

...
•
~-

Good.
(long
ANDY
beat)
101.

BETH
I am gonna run a bath. Would you
care to join me?

ANDY
For a bath?

BETH
We can do more than bathe. We can
get dirty.

ANDY
(not quite understanding)
In the bath.

BETH
I am gonna eat you up.

She kisses him on the mouth, then walks to the bathroom,

smiles at him, then closes the door.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Marla is on her cell phone talking to Jay.

MARLA
So you have no idea where he is?

JAY
(on phone-clearly lying)
No. I can 1 t imagine where he would
go.

MARLA
Well, if you hear anything, please
call me.

JAY
I will.

INT. JAY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Jay is sitting with his girlfriend, who we have never seen

before .

.....
•
 102.

JAY
I've got to go.

JILL
If you are cheating on me, I'll rip
your balls off.

JAY
I'm not going to cheat on you.

JILL
I am pregnant. If you did that, it
would be sick.

JAY
I'm not. I have to go help a
friend.
CUT TO:

INT. BETH'S APARTMENT/BATHROOM - NIGHT

Andy is waiting in the living room.

BETH
(from behind the bathroom
door)
Come on in.

Andy walks into the bathroom, and Beth is completely naked.

Andy takes a breath.

BETH
Do you like?

ANDY
I like.

She walks over to him and takes off his shirt.

BETH
Let me help you with that.

She takes off his pants. He gets pale. She leans down and
takes off his underwear. (The nudity is mainly tastefully
hidden.)

ANDY
I could have gotten that, but thank
you.
•l She
kiss
stares
her.

When he does,
at
This
him.

she
is it.

puts
He takes

her
a deep

finger
breath,

on his lips.
then leans
103.

in to

BETH
Before we start I want to show you
what gives me pleasure.

She gets in the tub. Her hand moves down her body.

CLOSE UP OF ANDY
1
For the next full minute we are on a medium shot of Andy s
face as Beth pleasures herself.
We do not hear a lot of noise. A little breathing and the
occasional splash.
Andy's face goes through a kaleidoscope of emotions:
interested, happy, shocked, ashamed, frightened.

ANGLE ON THE BATH

We see Beth for a moment from an angle which disguises what
she is doing, but we see her ecstatic face.

ANGLE ON WHERE ANDY WAS

Andy is now gone. He must have run out in the four seconds
the camera was off of him.
CUT TO:

EXT. BETH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Andy walks out the front door and is surprised to find---Jay
about to knock on the door.

JAY
Don't do it.

Jl.NDY
What?

In the background we hear the quiet sounds of Beth moaning.

As the scene plays out she gets louder and louder.

JAY
Have sex with Beth. If you love
Trish, then it'll all wurk uuL. I'm
sorry for giving you stupid advice.
•
~.
Don't
don't
worry,
ANDY
I didn't. But if you
get out of my way, she might
104.

come out here and force me to do

it.
JAY
Well, hurry. Trish is looking for
you. She's really worried.

ANDY
Okay. I'll get in touch with her
right away.

They both hear the moaning.

JAY
What is going on in there? Is
someone else in there?

ANDY
Just Beth.

JAY
Maybe I should go in there.

ANDY
I wouldn't.

JAY
Yeah, you're right. That was
stupid.

They listen for another beat as Beth reaches her peak, then
both run off--for different reasons.

EXT. STREETS - NIGHT

Andy rides his bicycle home, anxious to call Trish and tell
her how much he cares for her.

EXT./INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Andy locks his bike, and enters his home.

When he enters, he sees Trish looking very upset.

ANDY
(attempting nonchalance)
Trish. What's going on?
•... Maybe you
TRISH
should tell me.
105 .

ANDY
Okay, here's the thing. I realize
I made a mistake. The reason I
went out--

TRISH
What's this?

Trish holds up a stack on movies: 'The Blue Lagoon,' '9 1/2

Weeks,' several Michael Douglas films and several pornos.

Andy realizes this isn't about his date with Beth.

ANDY
Those are David's.

TRISH
And this?
She holds up his speed dating "rating card." On it, in his
handwriting, is the names of women and his comments. We see

•.
phrases like, "she seems nice \\very nice, 11 I like
1
11
her, sh~
was nice, 11 "Nol! She scared me, 11 "nice, smelled like my
grandma .. '1

ANDY
I did that before I met you. It
was silly.
TRISH
(points to the computer)
Your picture is on Match.com. And
you have all these books about how
to have sex. A lot of them have
disturbing pictures in them.

ANDY
Well, when I bought those I didn't
realize the pictures would be so--

TRISH
Why do you have them?! What kind
of sick pervert are you? Are you
some kind of sex maniac?
Everything in your apartment is
about sex. Is that all you think
about? Is that all you care about?
• No.
even
Of course
tried to
ANDY
not. I have
have sex with
never
you.
106.

TRISH
Well, then what the hell are you
trying to do? What are you
buttering me up for?

She takes a beat.

TRISH
You're not going to kill me are
you?

ANDY
No, I, I, I ... I love you.

She stares at him, contemplates what he said then runs out

the door. Andy runs after her.
ANDY
Trish, wait!

EXT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - CONT.

Trish runs to her car. Andy follows. She drives off. Andy
chases her with his bike.
After pedaling hard he reaches her window and drives along
next to her.

ANDY
Trish, stop!

TRISH
Get away before you get hurt!

ANDY
I love you. I swear. That is why
I never tried to make love to you.
I was scared.

TRISH
Why would you be scared?

ANDY
Because ... because, I've never done
it before.
• You said
fourteen.
TRISH
you lost your virginity at
107.

ANDY
I lied. I am a virgin. I always
have been.

TRISH
But, you're forty one years old.

ANDY
You don't need to point that out.
I am well aware of that fact.

'.flll©lll!:
)
I don't know what to believe. But
I am pretty sure I don't believe
you.

She drives off. She slows down for a red, then it turns
green a_nd she takes off. Before she can Andy drives his bike
in front of her car, and drives from side to side so she
can't get past him.

ANDY
Look at me. I collect action
figures. Look how I walk. I ride
a bicycle to work. And I date the
most wonderful, beautiful woman in
the world and I don't just grab her
and ravage her.
(beat)
Because I'm a virgin.

TRISH
Why?

ANDY
It almost happened a bunch of times
when I was younger, but it didn't
work out, then when I got older
there were some close calls that
went kind of bad. Then I got
scared. Then I gave up. Then I
got more scared. Then I met you.

Trish stops the car. She stays in the car as he speaks to

her.

ANDY
I'm sorry I didn't tell you right
away.
•
~ So?

Don't
(beat)

(beat)
leave
ANDY(cont'd)

me hanging here. What

108.

do you think? Am I defective? Am

I abnormal?
Trish kisses him hard on the lips. It is very passionate.
They kiss for a long time.
TRISH
Andy, the most important thing in
my life is my family. I know that
from the outside my situation may
not seem like a bed of roses, but
it is.

ANDY
I know. And I want to be a part of
it.
TRISH
I love you, Andy.

ANDY
I love you, Trish.
TRISH
Now what do we do?

Andy thinks about this.

CUT TO:

EXT. A BEAUTIFUL HILLSIDE OVERLOOKING THE OCEAN - DAY

Andy and Trish are getting married. Everyone is there, all

her kids even the twenty six year old and her daughter,
everyone from work, Jay is there with Jill, David is back
together with his ex-girlfriend, Cal is there with the
_tattooed woman from speed dating. Aboojay from work is there
with his date, Beth.
PRIEST
You may now kiss the bride.

Andy and Trish kiss. The crowd explodes with cheers. They
run down the path as children throw flowers at them.
CUT TO:
•~ INT. HOTEL BEDROOM - NIGHT
109.

Andy and Trish are in bed, under the covers.

TRISH
Are you ready?
ANDY
Yeah. Definitely.

TRISH
Okay.

ANDY
Wait! I need another second.

He take·s a deep breath.

ANDY
Now I'm ready.

TRISH
Here we go.

•.. The screen

GRAPHIC UP:
fades

"THE END"
to black.

CREDITS ROLL

OVER CREDITS WE SEE:

EXT. FANCY BEACH FRONT HOTEL - MORNING

Andy walks out of his room.

MUSIC UP: "THE AGE OF AQUARIUS"

Andy is overjoyed. He breaks into a very elaborate dance.

The employees of the hotel join him in the happiest dance
sequence ever filmed.

Trish comes out and joins in. It is like the Central Park
scene from "Hair.''

It is a new day for Andy.

FADE OUT