TRANSLATED BY: devon#9704

IN PROCESS OF TRANSLATION…
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“She who enjoys herself ... radiates her complacency in such a way that is instantly shared by
those around him, without the need to make your quality explicit through performance or virtuous
acts. She is so convinced of her merits that she does not feel that she has to beat others, not
even herself”. — CLAUDIO NARANJO

◯ ◦ The beggar disguised as a king:

⠀⠀⠀In general, enneatype 2 believes that living with high emotional intensity and provoking
emotions is what counts the most in life. For that manipulates relationships. It is, in fact, a
surreptitious character authoritative mind, because you want to feel above others arousing
admiration and a special respect that feeds their pride.

⠀⠀⠀Indeed, he believes that his pride is his strength when, In fact, it is the neurotic and destructive
mode of it. The Two falsifies his self-perception: you feel a loving being capable of giving yourself
full, when in reality he is a being in need of love (a beggar disguised as a king), who rejects his
need, which would make him feel too fragile and exposed to abandonment. Therefore he projects
that need in others.

⠀⠀⠀Hers is disguised as generosity. And the stranger catches her on the net of his availability,
which is real but he uses it to feed the order. gullo and idealized self-image.

⠀⠀⠀Defines all E2 people to be proud, enthusiastic, curious, passionate, frivolous, self-indulgent,

witty, libertines, superficial, happy, manipulative, intense, flattering, invasive. You are optimistic,
despotic, naive, exaggerated and somewhat gonzada. It is as if something Dionysian remains in
them in a imperishable and love was the engine of the world. They are the big enneagram
hedonists, along with those with the E7. Now, the Two is a very primary hedonism, which has to
do with the immediate sensory pleasure of being pleased and loved.

⠀⠀⠀Like a child, he is in intimate contact with love, but also with caprice and tyranny. Listening to
Mozart, of the subtype Two conservation, gives us the possibility to feel life as the feel of an E2.
There is color, harmony, warmth, play, joy, enjoyment, a kind of communion with the divine; and
also tragedy, chaos, sadness and a deep pain, cleverly concealed behind a historic smile, hermal,
like that of the protagonist of the movie Amadeus.

⠀⠀⠀The person of this character knew love, was seen and loved. He came like a breath of fresh
air to his house, but he learned too much. I soon realized that love had a price. Where appropriate,
be used as an object, emotional support or merchandise between his parents, which gave rise to
a feeling of humiliation and the development of the I cry like passion.
⠀⠀⠀It is paradoxical that, in reality, these eternal children did not have they saw childhood. It was
the price they paid to continue receiving the admiring love of his parents and maintaining his place
of power: a suffocating ono that allowed him to be seen but left little space to just be a child.

⠀⠀⠀And this is his life: An incessant attempt to reconquer that place privilege that only children
can have. An urge to recover a loving gaze of approval and appreciation that It was necessary to
feel worthy of being loved. Return, after all, to paradise so lost.

⠀⠀⠀And in that endeavor, he has learned how to shine and the art of manipulation, and he knows
how to alternate sweet words with a more or less subtle, depending on the subtype. His developed
empathy is the compass that tells you what others need. And, as a charmer of snakes, he will
dazzle his lover in turn or the person, smearing him with compliments and favors, until the other
finishes thinking that it is a privilege to have you in his life. Of that devotion that he manages to
awaken in the other is what the Two feeds on.

◯ ◦ Let us begin to differentiate the three subtypes:

⠀⠀⠀“My way of being is the result of becoming an adult too soon for not being able to allow myself
to be a child. He thought that “by making me older I would be more loved by my parents, who
praised me for my responsibility. Thus, he did not allow me to live the traits that he associated
with childhood (they say they are from E2 conservation): dependency, irresponsibility, being
capricious, even cuteness. They are part of me. I refused them until I bumped into them in the
therapeutic process. Although I believe I am of the sexual subtype, the Social one is what comes
later. The Social aspects prevailed in me in the first part of adolescence, when what most
interested me was power; I always was the leader or boss of something. In the neighborhood
gang, in the school band, in the boy scout patrol ... I liked to rule. And so it was until the awakening
of the sexual instinct. Then I stopped becoming so interested in ambition, although not entirely,
and I began dreaming of romantic love affairs and looking for the ideal woman”. — LUIS
HERNÁNDEZ

⠀⠀⠀An early accountability, as just described, it can be essential for the formation of this
character. His fantasy sia of grandeur allows you to validate the idea that you are special by what
day not because of who he is. From that vantage point avoid contacting him feeling of inadequacy
that he has since childhood and with his urgency to be protected and guided.

Conservation 2 — Privilege:
⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝

“If the emperor wants me, let him pay me. Well, just the honor of being with him is not enough for
me.” — W. A. MOZART

⠀⠀⠀E2 conservation has been the whim of mom or dad, the girl eternal that continues to seek the
favor of the elderly. Just as the emperador (E2 Social) is the most intellectual, and the king (E2
Sexual), the most emotional, the prince is the most active (and dependent) of the three. He uses
his fragility and “giddiness” to gain favor. He’s selfish, whimsical, cuddly and playful. Unlike the
two other subtypes, he manipulates from a more childish position, much like a child would.

⠀⠀⠀The Conservative Two seems to have the right. He can act like he is superior to others and
expect preferential treatment, reaching be cheeky in your expectation of being pampered and
throw a tantrum if he doesn’t get what he wants. His logic is: “I give and do a lot for the rest; That’s
why I deserve special treatment”. As if, unconsciously, it will count by the hour how much has
been sacrificed for the other. It may seem that he’s going to be a diva.

⠀⠀⠀When he's around the other, he’s the subtype most prone to burnout, regardless of your own
needs. Do not rest enough, you do not spend time. He loves to receive people at home and cook,
but such once he is not allowed to enjoy the dinners and parties that he offers. Rest unconsciously
that their needs are met, but few pieces are able to ask for help frankly, but hopes that someone
else guessed it. In short, he tends to feel like a martyr and to think that the other is in debt for
services rendered.

⠀⠀⠀Proud of his sacrifices, his motto is “I have the right” (to which compensate them). He comes
to this conclusion, as a child: “I’m more important”. And since then he’s focused on satisfying his
wishes; he puts all his desire there. He is the most greedy with his things and the one who shows
the most selfish of the three subtypes.

⠀⠀⠀The demand for rewards for the many sacrifices coexists with excesses of food and drugs to
inhibit aggressiveness. The denial of problems alternates with complaints: he goes from “I don’t
need help. Nobody cares about me.” He often resorts to emotional manipulation, blaming the
other to achieve the satisfaction of their needs. (and when he dares to express them, he seldom
takes the lecture courses offered to you.)

⠀⠀⠀In his less sane expression, the Conservative Twos present such a great negligence with his
physique. Disorders are common eating disorders, psychosomatic syndromes and hypochondrial
disorders. In any case, the repression of emotional needs or aggressive feelings can lead to
serious health problems.

⠀⠀⠀Actually, E2s are generally little cared for, since their great goddess self-image makes them
feel invulnerable.

Social 2 — Ambition:
⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝

“I have long conversations with myself. and I’m so smart that sometimes I don’t understand not a
word I say”. — OSCAR WILDE
⠀⠀⠀The Social Twos are known for their ambition to be in everyone’s heart and to be publicly
recognized as leading people. They directly seek attention and confuse being thought of with
being loved. They may act provocatively or hostile in order not to be ignored. Or marry influential
people and focus your energies on the couple’s goals, raising children to succeed in this world.
Model mothers and competent wives are frequent in this character next to E3.

⠀⠀⠀The worst thing in this world is not being on the lips of others, but not being in nobody’s
mouth. Being talked about is awful. That they do not talk, it is worse.

⠀⠀⠀The Social instinct of the E2 is expressed in the motto: “I’m a friend of everybody”. There’s a
strong desire to be valued by all the people of its social sphere. They like to introduce people and
organize meetings at home. They are very efficient at making themselves needed and experts at
creating networks; today they could be called influencers. The others are surprised at how they
treat almost everyone, from staff to cleaning the manager who does not know anything, with a
close familiarity that makes them trustworthy. Another motto applicable to this subtype is:
“information is power”. And they have made it their own since they were children.

⠀⠀⠀They like to put themselves at the center of attention in the social sphere and have a strong
need to be remembered, fearing to pass unnoticed or feeling left out. They become intimate with
people valued in the group, until they are their indispensable support. If they feel insecure about
their power of social fascination, they cultivate new skills. They try to impress by giving advice;
spiritual, financial, doctors ... or with allusions to important people as if they know in privacy. This
puts them in trouble, because the desire to be known that they are friends of VIPs may lead them
to be discreet and reveal confidence.

⠀⠀⠀Social Twos most trapped in their character structure may frustrate their own by scattered,
with that wide range of contacts and not really paying attention to anyone. They are paternalistic
and like to do favors, but making it clear to the other person all they have done for him: “What
would you do without me?” It’s the classic accomplice Ice that covers up the misdeeds of an
important guy to make him feel in debt.

Sexual 2 — Seduction:
⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝

“In Madrid I never got to step on the street, because every time I appeared At the door of the Ritz,
a legion of knights threw their cloaks at the ground so that I would walk on them, laying before
me a rug that had no end.” — KILL HARI

⠀⠀⠀The E2 Sexual moves between seduction and aggressiveness, and combines fascination
and sensuality. It’s the most explicit, spontaneous and wild of the three subtypes. Just as the
Social Two seduces from the intellectual, and conservation, from tenderness, sexual does it from
the carnal. Is invasive and if he wants something, he takes it, just like the Sexual E4 or the E8.
⠀⠀⠀Sexual 2 puts his empathy at the service of seduction more than out of a true interest in the
other. He knows how to weave cobwebs from which It is difficult to escape because he is
passionate when he is in the conquest.

⠀⠀⠀Is a person who knows himself special and wants to be unforgettable; His only one longing
is to be adored again.

⠀⠀⠀Her basic interest is to find romantic union, fusion, and con merges being desired, where he
is a master strategist, with being loved and valued. He can be a prodigal and forgiving father, or
a lover passionate and caring, or both.

⠀⠀⠀If you meet resistance, press and provoke, to disarm the objections. He can also accuse in a
furious manner, approaching to the E8. Underlying his outbursts of anger is a melancholy desire
for a total and enveloping connection with the other, aspiration close to E4.

◯ ◦ Some common confusions:

“Pride is related to the opinion we have of ourselves; vanity, with what we would like others to
think of us.” — JANE AUSTEN

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 can be confused with Social E3 and, although subtle, there are determining
differences. The image of E3 is more chameleon, unique; Instead, the Two pretends to adapt, as
a means to reach your objectives. The E3 is finer and more sophisticated, and the E2, more called
mative, with a more personal style, which can be a bit eccentric.

⠀⠀⠀The Three controls his emotions more, especially in public, because it gives more importance
to its image being damaged. The Two, on the other hand, in his aggrandizement he doesn’t see
the consequences of his vehemence and condescension. If there is a conflict, the E3 will keep
the forms so as not to lose its image. Person E2 is more counterphobic, she becomes passionate
believing that she will be able to convince the other and ignores the signs indicating that you are
in danger of being excluded.

⠀⠀⠀They are both competitive. The E3 seeks recognition that is good and competes to be valued
for it. Two “knows” what it is the best and wants to be given its rightful place. The E3 experiences
anxiety and doubts for fear of not succeeding. The E2, however, he’s confident that he’s going to
make it: his crazy idea is that he won’t need to compete, when he has been competing all his life,
with father, mother or siblings, even from a place of superiority.

◯ ◦ The fear that hides passion:

⠀⠀⠀In the E2 conservation pride is not as visible as in the rest of Subtypes, hidden as it is by a
childish image.
⠀⠀⠀The proud belongs to the triad of the image (E2, E3 and E4), so the primeval fear, even
before not being worthy of to be loved is to not be seen. Disappear from the sight of the other, be
it princess, queen or empress, it means death. At the same time, your homework is to see the
other, who he only takes into account in relation to himself.

⠀⠀⠀The fear of conservation E2 is to bequeath to helplessness and not be able to support his
basic needs by himself. So I know anchor in its most childish part, seeking dependence and
authorization of someone to protect you.

⠀⠀⠀The sexual E2 is afraid of being alone, so he’s passionate about giving. Like the protagonist
of “How to be a Jewish Mother”, delusional meta about her desire to give herself to her children,
but also about how to create ingrained feelings of debt and guilt.

⠀⠀⠀The Social E2 subtype needs, to feel safe, to be the person of reference to his surroundings,
for which he renounces his emotions and Surrender to his own ambition or a cause.

◯ ◦ Three mothers are talking:

“My son adores me”, says an E4. “He just gave me a ticket for an Alaska cruise”. — “Well, he
idolizes me”, replies an E3. “He gave me the se Well past an apartment in Miami to spend the
whole year under the sun”.

⠀⠀⠀To avoid its latent fear, the conservation E2 disconnects from her sexuality and thus play the
role of a girl. The Sexual E2, of his intellect, to respond to patriarchal models of conquest. And
the E2 Social, of emotion, so as not to lose sight of the ambitional object. Do not feel the
exhaustion or think about the self-demand to which you submit.

◯ ◦ The lighthouse is love:

⠀⠀⠀Each character gives meaning and value to life. In the case of E2 sounds like a lighthouse
and, at the same time, the engine is love. In love with the fantastic image they have created of
themselves, no wonder that is offered as an inexhaustible source of pleasure, well—being or
protection ... even those who are not interested. Its objective is to “Recover what they experienced
as unconditional love in childhood”. The three subtypes seek an intense and inexhaustible loving
contact that fills the void masked behind a childish egocentricity of which no they end up
detaching.

⠀⠀⠀The conservation E2 person lives it in relationships where they feel pampered and protected.
The Social E2, when recognized for its worth, especially who she considers an authority. And the
sexual E2 goes to eroticism, but always to feed the pride of being not with any love, but
exceptional, unique, eternal, that can fill the existential void.
⠀⠀⠀It is said that Two cannot love because she only loves herself same. The truth is that he only
recognizes himself worthy of love when he gives, when he does, when he helps. He does not
know how to love himself for who, yes and look for in the other’s gaze to be kind. Host the idea
that if they need you, they will love you.

⠀⠀⠀So even though I go enjoy king, is nothing but a beggar, a hungry for love, capable of
anything, including manipulation, self-expression, plotting or cruelty, if necessary, to obtain it.

⠀⠀⠀The princess, in love with her childish image, only pretends the affection of her protector on
her turn. The queen goes further; in love of love, she seeks the devotion of her closest lovers and
friends.

⠀⠀⠀And the self-proclaimed empress craves the love of her empire. The Two Social did not find
her place in the family with respect to siblings. Hence her need to please everyone. It is as if other
”systems” will look for that site that she could not find on her own; pleasing the entire audience.

“We have felt orphaned of parents and siblings and we long for that emotional network
continuously. The more the merrier.” — MONICA ANGULO

⠀⠀⠀Of the three loves, all the subtypes share a love compassionate and erotic. They differ in that
the E2 Conservation It has a more compassionate component, like a mother; the E2 Sexual, more
erotic, like a son; and the Social E2, like the father, more admiring.

⠀⠀⠀The proud establish unequal power relations. The E2 sexual is the active one, the one he
proposes, the masculine one. There is in the E2 conserved a more passive-feminine behavior.
Take a stand down, without proposing so much, waiting to be told how to do things.

⠀⠀⠀Offers tenderness, joy, innocence, the adventure that only a child fresh and witty can offer.
The sexual E2 offers passion, fire and intensity, as a teenager does. And the social E2, closer
from the adult world and from a very paternal role, offers security dad, dignity, protection, and
even salvation, if necessary.

⠀⠀⠀Sexual Two is dependent on the intimacy with others. Physical and emotional. If the Two
Social needs to be friends with everyone, the Sexual Two is to be the best friend of a person. It
is concentrated with few people, and he loves to consider himself the friend number one of his
friends, the most intimate confidante of his. It is fascinating spending moments with each other,
telling each other secrets, talking about the relationship and feeling informed about the preferred
topics of the other.

“We seduce, using lies, and we pretend to be loved by ourselves.” — PAUL GRALDY

⠀⠀⠀Seduction comes naturally to all self-conscious. They do it without barely putting conscience
into it, without measure or the slightest scruples, they take responsibility for the consequences it
may cause. The three subtypes despise, in their depths, people who give in to your seduction. In
fact, they enjoy manipulating and humiliating your suitors.

⠀⠀⠀The word seducer is associated with Two in general, but it is applied especially to the sexual
Two. The new guys know how to seduce each one of them. But the E3 Sexual is produced by
paying a lot of attention to you, always available to listen to your problems. A marked Sex
availability can also be part of the picture.

⠀⠀⠀He centers his passion in the act of conquest and in his own eroticism. If you are suddenly in
doubt about your ability to fascinate, a person of this subtype begins to besiege the other, invaded
for the fear of not being descada. He hardly accepts a “No” for an answer.

⠀⠀⠀If the Social Twos like to expand their circle of friends, the Sexual person prefers to have
friends just for himself, becoming extremely jealous and possessive: watch the other if I want to
lose sight of him or have him out of her reach, compulsively controls, and is unable to accept a
bad reaction, even setting traps or tormenting the object of his romantic obsession.

⠀⠀⠀If the Sexual E2 attracts with all her sexual energy, with each part of her person, the
Conservation E2 seduces with an apparent innocence with his naivety, with her ignorance and
inexperience. I can’t do not protect someone so tender and helpless, who wakes up the maternal
and paternal instincts. Less permission is given to choose and he is involved in relationships
devoid of erotic love.

⠀⠀⠀Conservation uses seduction to achieve the first village. Of course, she wants to be laid-back
, but in a “different way”. It is not sold as an erotic object but as a pill rejuvenating, which promises:
“With me you will never get bored”. In exchange, she receives in perpetuity the title of princess
de la casao the Mommy’s right eye.

⠀⠀⠀The Social E2 is active in conquest, but less passionate than the sexual one, since his
purpose is not so much to be dislodged but to obtain ner power through your love relationship.

⠀⠀⠀His seduction is directed at the group, when what he really needs needed is intimacy, and
from the intellectual, trying to reproduce the place of power that I hold as a child. For this it offers
protection, contacts, advice ... adopting an attitude of superiority.

⠀⠀⠀So the Conservation seduces to receive, the Sexual them to share and the Socials to give.

◯ ◦ Lack and overabundance:

⠀⠀⠀The Two is among the most narcissistic characters. With his fantasies of great personal
importance, a concept of himself as a special person, who actually hides a total lack of confidence
in their own worth. Self-image excessively inflated covers another devalued one that, if it emerges,
causes an excruciating shame that can lead to despair.
⠀⠀⠀The E2 does not show the deficiencies of it. That would mean appearing vulnerable, that is,
weak, defective, useless, in the eyes of others: a direct path to rejection and abandonment. To
camouflage his humanity dad, he stands before the world haughty and with a special brilliance.
What a skillful actor, he resorts to the mechanism of repression, with which he mutes any need
or emotion that makes you connect with the internal feeling of fraud and lack.

⠀⠀⠀The three subtypes repress, above all, envy. The one who has the most contact with it is the
conservation E2. To hide it, the Two becomes enviable and seems to offer a generosity shrouded
in optimism. Himself, without explicitly asking for anything in return. Thus, his pride nurtures a
sense of superiority (it would be better to call it invulnerability) that does not allow her to express
his weaknesses but rather indicates rightly, through manipulation, whims, a disdain disguised or
hostile rage.

⠀⠀⠀The generosity of the E2 type is inauthentic, since more than to donate what he does is to
flatter to enchant. It depends a lot on the admiration that he arouses, becoming very attentive to
what he gives and gives, taking care of what is good. Consequently, it is unlikely to thank you.

⠀⠀⠀The sexual and social E2s are so full and lucky, they seem immune even to illness or death.
He says Karen Horney, speaking of neurotic pride: “They avoid any thoughts that might harm their
pride. The more significant example is to avoid thinking about death, because the idea of dying
like any other mortal is unbearable for them. The Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde [A Social E2] is an
artistic presentation, ethics of the pride of eternal youth”.

“l was very surprised when I realized that I was getting older; someone like me shouldn’t have an
expiration date”. Adds a woman of this subtype. — Ana Baza.

⠀⠀⠀Conservation Two, on the other hand, needs you to come see him, to be pampered; there’s
a fear of being left alone in his illness. His contacts lack more than the other subtypes. This adult
who goes out into the world as a child feels less capable, more insecure, he devalues more easily
and shows himself more needy. Express more openly the need for him, allowing himself to claim
and protest more than the sexual Two and the social one, more self-sacrificing and resistant.

⠀⠀⠀When he receives something, the first thing that comes to E2 conservation is that he is
undeserved. He also shares the insatiability with E4: after a whim comes another, and another ...
As if there was a monton of pending wishes waiting for the occasion to be satisfied. What he does
not have and what he does not know can be shown as something.

⠀⠀⠀The proud feel a step above the rest, convinced of being important to the other; and they, at
the same time, self-sufficient. Sexuals are the superabundant by excellence. They do not lack
anything; what’s more, they have everything the other needs, like the mamma with the big tits full
of milk, to feed us all and have us trapped; how could a still full, wonderful and special person
need something or someone? He seduces who has, not who needs, and he will not allow himself
to bring a crack in that image of overabundance so well samblada.

⠀⠀⠀The sexual pride seeks to be someone through love life. Look at his anguish being
irreplaceable. His feeling of importance tancia feeds on the pleasure she gives. The conqueror
and the femme fatale are the characters of a passion for conquest that goes beyond fall in love
or fall in love; what excites him is being indispensable to him object of desire.

⠀⠀⠀The Sexual E2 covers his miseries very well with seduction. Intellectually, to adapt to what
the other wants, you can interact with something, but always in a superficial way. Wake up many
you envy because he seems to achieve everything he sets his mind to ... but also it also fails.
Now that is covered up by his fantasy or his attilondon, so that others can only see the light part.
Minosa of the facade.

⠀⠀⠀The Social E2, in short, is the subtype that establishes the least contact with the lack. He
anesthetizes himself by throwing himself into action. Like the Sietes, he has a dense schedule full
of activities, which makes him feel essential. Like the other subtypes, it takes refuge in fantasia;
where appropriate, laying out plans, coordinating projects or making contacts.

⠀⠀⠀He likes to feel like the director of an eight-ring circus. To E2 Social, that there’re problems
to solve gives meaning to your life and allows you to disconnect from your needs. The maddened
rhythm to who submits keeps the feeling of being insufficient under control and, if for some reason
he falls ill or fails, he locks himself at home until the storm passes with hardly anyone knowing
their situation.

◯ ◦ Deep self-devaluation:

⠀⠀⠀The self-assertive strategies of this Enneatype are thoughts of a deeply damaged self-image
the apparent grandeur of the E2 is corroded at the base, great feelings of humiliation, inferiority,
guilt, inadequate tion and lack of authenticity.

⠀⠀⠀The Two harbors the intimate conviction of a radical lack of value, and that is what triggers
the compensatory impulse of the order. Gullo, which inhibits envy. In order to keep the fragile
walk My journey of pride, you must act to receive continual rewards. The sexual subtype finds
them mainly in relationships sentimental. The Social obtains its triumphs in other areas.

“Joy became an unfathomable well of sadness and disappointment. Later I realized that the main
perception was that neither emotionality hadn’t changed. I didn’t feel any more loved, even
congratulated; I did not feel more valid although I did feel more famous. The unconscious
expectations deposited were that my world of insecure Rity, inferiority and lack of esteem would
have ended and it was not like that”. — TONI AGUILAR

◯ ◦ Fantasy. Better Dream:

⠀⠀⠀Where the E2 navigats best is in reverie. Fantasy is the strategy that all three subtypes use
as a refuge from pain and frustration. Since he was little he has needed to escape from a mess
the emotional world that no one helped him to structure or give exit. He has learned to create a
reality tailored to his needs, more appealing that the one you get out the door or even in your own
home, developing a great ability to disconnect. Color any want failure or loss as something
unimportant ends in depression more or less covertly.

⠀⠀⠀The princess imagines that the whole kingdom has realized what unique and wonderful that
it is, in a fairy tale where all its descos are fulfilled. The queen dreams that she is the sublime
lover, mother, daughter and partner, who they adore unconditionally. And the Empress delights
in knowing herself magnanimous and imagining great works that will be applauded for their
creativity.

◯ ◦ Emotionalization. “I feel, then exist”:

⠀⠀⠀Emotionalization, as the opposite of intellectualization, is common to the proud. They “gawk”

believing that only if you feel with intensity is authentic. Since life is emotion, they like to inject
emotion into everything. They substitute the word “think” for “feel” as if that makes it more real
(what one thinks can be refuted).

⠀⠀⠀Only the emotion counts, then. Minus the guilt. That’s just the Experimental. If anything, a
narcissistic shame of: How not someone like me could.

⠀⠀⠀But all three subtypes deny what they feel, blame others of their discomfort and hide when
they feel vulnerable. With the E2 conservation it is not easy to know what happens to him because
he lives on the surface of his emotional world, in constant denial of the pain and aggression. He
is the most crybaby, but he gives himself the least permission to show your anger and, when you
go out, it is in the form of complaints, irritability and tantrums. Although he is very susceptible, it
is difficult for him to connect with external aggressions; he reacts late.

⠀⠀⠀Sexual and social do have a more direct contact with the rage, being able to stage
disproportionate tragicomic situations nothing and one hundred percent manipulative.

“I call it the “vaudeville”. Life is a theater, a game where hardly there are limits and where
emotions, if they are not intense and dramatized, they don’t seem authentic; they simply are not.
This waste of energy and dishonesty wears out the relationship with the other.” — ANA BAZA

⠀⠀⠀The Two sexual is the most theatrical and intense. You allow yourself to get angry and react
quickly to external aggression. The social Two is more rigid and stiff. Save more forms than
sexual, especially in public, and when it finally explodes, it does so from a position of power that
ensures success. He can then be ironic, cruel or ruthless, with himself and with others.
⠀⠀⠀“I feel like I have great masochistic defenses, giving me things so as not to feel what is painful
and difficult for me; until in the end I connect with that rage and explode and from disproportionate
and excessive. So much so that I can be very hurtful and I don’t see the other at all. There I’m
ashamed of myself for having reacted that way, and I start to suffer for the image that I project.
(The great difference with the E8 is just that, he does not regret or feel that judgment internal
against himself)”. — MONICA ANGULO

⠀⠀⠀The Social E2 is the most intellectual of the proud. To go out into the world and succeed, to
be a leader, you need to use your mind, in order to organize, create strategies and make
decisions, leaving aside the emotional warmth. It inhibits your emotions more, then, than the rest
of subtypes.

⠀⠀⠀The Sexual E2 is the most clearly anti-intellectual subtype. In its life there is no room for
reason. It dispenses with the intellectual; arrives even to despise him, since his feeling is the most
important thing. Flees therefore of common reasoning and logic. It’s the most impressive,
provocative and wild. He needs to feel free, he cannot bear the limits of you and love
transgression. In this, as in the search for intensity, it’s very close to E8, becoming destructive or
self-destructive.

⠀⠀⠀Conservation E2 may be more intellectual than sexual, if thinks that this will promote
pampering and attention or guarantee the protection of a loved one. Also in his eagerness to
appear dependent needs to nurture his intellect. But it does not reach the levels of the social E2.

◯ ◦ Of the dependency:

⠀⠀⠀All Twos are emotionally dependent, although each one with his own camouflage. The
conservation E2 is the most dependent, even if she thinks not and shows the world an image of
self-sufficient. Many leave their family with the idea that distance decreases dependency, but it
does not usually work. In fact, he does not know how to maintain relationships without falling into
dependence. That is why it is so difficult for her to form her own family and commit terseness.
This is the difference between sexual and social, which have less fear of pairing and unpairing.

⠀⠀⠀With the Sexual E2 it’s different. Live each romance as if it were the only and definitive.
Anyway, if it depends on something, it is the love and feeling loved.

⠀⠀⠀Social organizations, for their part, are intolerant of any limitations, their own or someone
else’s, and they act from counterdependency, insofar as they that love does not interest them too
much.

◯ ◦ To responsibility:

⠀⠀⠀None of the three subtypes are attracted to ordinary things, and everyday responsibilities are
very boring. Each one in his own way seeks that life has a more intense tone, bright and quirky.
⠀⠀⠀E2 Conservation, because of its attachment to the infantile, is the least responsible for all
three. He has been quite protected as a child. When asked for something, he tends to think “I
can’t”, “I don’t know how to do it”, “I’m too busy”, or “I’m exhausted”. He overflows, instead of
energy for pleasant things.

⠀⠀⠀The Sexual E2, on the other hand, with its overabundance, sells better your ability to take
responsibility, and shows more willingness to care and sacrifice for others.

⠀⠀⠀Due to its desire for power and to dominate groups, the Social E2 is the most responsible
and hard-working, and assumes high responsibilities in the diverses areas of his life. For that he
needs to be extremely demanding people, rigid and controlling.

⠀⠀⠀Another trait that defines the proud, devoid of limits and given to excesses, is his taste for
freedom. What he really wants is to be pleased. That is, do what he wants, when he wants, with
whom he wants and how he wants. He calls that freedom.

⠀⠀⠀The Two of conservation is capable of giving up freedom to change of affection and

protection. The Social Two buys it while being an important guide and thanks to the status that
he is acquiring; although he is dependent on the group image of him. Those who vindicate his
freedom and they use it in a more intense, provocative and rebellious way are the Twos sexual.

◯ ◦ Permissiveness:

⠀⠀⠀The three subtypes are rigid and, in their polarity, permissive, you and self-indulgent with
your failures or forgetfulness. The Social E2 shows itself condescendingly with the mistakes of
others, but only as a manipulative strategy. And with himself, he can go from a high demand to
the absolute lack of awareness of his responsibility.

“I can go from excess workload and stress to a clear: I’m unemployed and no I don’t even make
the egg ... because I need it. All very polarized. Still, there’s more expensive difficulty in stopping”.
— MONICA ANGULO

⠀⠀⠀The Conservation E2 is very flexible in your everyday life. Does not give importance where
you leave the rags in the kitchen and accept when al. they are moved around, since he highly
values the freedom of He tries to let others do what he wants with his seduction childish,
sweetness and meekness, but you need to make sure you have bation; that is, what he wants is
also what the other wants, laugh, and he’s very frustrated if he pouts at him.

⠀⠀⠀The Sexual E2 is the most permissive, but also the fastest can pass to the demand and
demand of great sacrifices for the other to demonstrate his unconditionality.

◯ ◦ Make to be
⠀⠀⠀The three subtypes are characterized by being dynamic. The Conservation 2 is the one that
focuses the most on doing for the other, I know about your self-care. It’s also the one that least
focuses on its activities. He may know where he would like to go but is entertained by the road.

⠀⠀⠀The sexual are the most emotional among the emotional and, although they appear electric,
they move only when there’s an object. Clear in sight, because the intense emotionality with which
everything impregnates them exhausts them. At work they do what they do, but I know they focus
on what they like, they get lost in the details and they look worth more than content.

⠀⠀⠀The Social E2 is the most disciplined but, at times, fickle. Use your mind to spot opportunities
and quickly move on to specify. Too bad I can’t do everything I know compromises.

◯ ◦ Ambition

⠀⠀⠀The conservation person seeks power through the other, that is, employs his efforts to
conquer the figure of power, rather than wanting to come to power by herself. That is the
difference from the Social E2 colder, stronger.

⠀⠀⠀Conservation Two first of all prefers to ensure a comfortable life, fashion, pleasure and avoid
the efforts that would take a lot power or be very important. Yet the ambition remains, and takes
the form of demand, especially with others. Your process must always be ascending, and if not,
you will let the fantasy make you think yes.

◯ ◦ Maternity

⠀⠀⠀Sexual E2 is the most maternal. She’s usually involved in relationships of much madness,
permissiveness and impulse, more focused on their con. He likes his children, but displays
generosity.

⠀⠀⠀The Conservation E2 is more of a playing mother. She can live like her friend and it takes a
lot for her to live as a grown mother. Give much but wait even more (recognition and love). Be
distressed by how, as her children grow up, she loses importance.

⠀⠀⠀The Social E2 gives the appearance of being bigger, more mature. She maintains an image
of almighty in front of her children so that they depend on her and need her presence more
forcefully. She’s a mother who shines, who “gives herself to the world”.
 SOCIAL TWO ❛ 𝐆𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 ❜

✧ ㅤㅤ࣭ ㅤㅤ ㅤ ㅤˑㅤ ㅤ࣭ ㅤㅤ𓈒ㅤㅤ ㅤ

⠀⠀⠀The feeling of belonging to family, group or tribe is a core and conflicting aspect in all social
subtypes. Social E2 is no exception. This ambitious man is an orphan seeking the necessary and
legitimate place he was not allowed to occupy as a child. Faced with the difficulty of developing a
positive, identifying bond with a secure father or mother figure, he crystallizes his fear and anger
into animosity. In the absence of a figure to look up to and feel valued by, he will come to supplant
her. Thus, the “son of none” will seek to be the “father of all”.

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 will be benevolent and generous as long as he does not feel challenged. But he is
very thin-skin, and any sign that makes him think he doesn’t have absolute control over others
will make him insecure and precipitate a crisis of authoritarianism, as well as a conquering and
invasive reaction.

⠀⠀⠀With a strong sense of revenge, he will try, throughout his life, to conquer what he considers
to be his rightful place as a leader at the top of society. His ambition is fed by a competitive and
destructive spirit that he directs against the source of his feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred.
He has swallowed the disappointment of an overbearing father or a dissatisfied mother, and today
he spews this same frustration at others.

⠀⠀⠀When we allude to the word that gives name to this subtype, dominance, territorialism
“empress” or “emperor”, we speak of authority, leadership and protection. And also of tyranny,
abuse, absolutism and disproportion. Various aspects that draw, in short, a scene presided over
by a marked vertical vision of social relations.

⠀⠀⠀Among the proud, the social subtype makes himself known by occupying space with his body,
with his voice, with his gestures, and with a presence that conveys security and conviction. He is
a histrionic simile, so he adds a serious countenance to his appearance, as of concern and
commitment; the attitude of someone very mature, who knows what to do and what to do. At times
he seems to have the gift of a seer, given his vehemence, and seems to be carrying a heavy load,
albeit with a selfless posture.

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 focuses on reproducing the role and bond he developed at home as a child with
his family in the social relationships he establishes in the world. He wants everyone, not just his
family or friends, to attach a personal importance to him that gives him the role of a reference
person in their lives.

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 took a place near her elders very early on, and from then on he was seen as
someone important in family life, but not as a child. She does not have the experience of having
been a child. Wearing heels too big for her, she was admired by her mother and father for what
she did and not for what she was. Deprived, in turn, of the fraternal world, she does not know how
to relate to her peers except in competition or above, and she will follow the game of triangulations
that is established with the parental system, from early childhood, in the rest of her relationships,
polarizing them into good and bad, or with me or against me.

⠀⠀⠀The confusion that has been made with roles in the family system permeates his relationships
as an adult, which he contemplates from a hierarchical perspective. Social E2 stratifies people
into spheres of influence and power, such that he cannot establish affective bonds, but rather
strategic and practical ones. It ranks people based on how high they are on the organizational
chart of the “institution”, real or imagined, in question. What in a company would be the president,
CEO, etc. he applies to the group of friends, the social groups, or the family.

⠀⠀⠀He confuses a person’s status with his personal value; he neither sees the other nor sees
himself. He confuses doing with being, and only what he can show gives him entity. He can be
said to be the least empathic of the Two, with his high use of strategy and organization. The frontal
and prefrontal lobe functions are most accessible to him: planning, problem solving, error control,
decision making, social cognition, and working memory.

⠀⠀⠀The emperor throws his pride into the social convinced that he is far more qualified than the
others to direct, plan or develop any project or activity that arises. The Social E2 needs, like all
prides, recognition; specifically, that which comes from the groups. Paradoxically, inside there is
an intense self-devaluation and a deep feeling of loneliness. He believes he has much to
contribute and say, so he often fantasizes about the impact of his social participation and his
place.

⠀⠀⠀He believes he has a lot to contribute and say, which is why he often fantasizes about the
impact of his social participation and his place in the world, considering that he leaves others
through his actions and opinions. He likes to think of himself as a very important and fundamental
part of things. In his narcissism, he needs to feel at the center of the scene: he doesn’t care about
not being ridiculous, the essential thing is not to be ignored.

⠀⠀⠀He can be compared to E1 in that he seems to be in possession of the truth, and as someone
very passionate and easily convinced by his certainty and conviction; when in reality he may not
know more than superficially about the subject. His anger can be easily triggered if he is
contradicted or his arguments or desires are questioned, and he seems to be counter-
verbalanced, as he does not come into contact with fear, lack or insecurity.

⠀⠀⠀So he has an image of himself, very close to reality, of a valid, competent, committed person
with great capacity for work; but his difficulty with boundaries prevented him from knowing when
to stop, and he is very demanding of himself; not even the illness can stop him, unless he ends
up in the hospital. He needs someone with authority to impose and fully justify the need to take
care of himself, because his crazy idea of over-abundance prevents him from accepting that he
has reached his limit.
⠀⠀⠀At the same time, he believes himself fit for command, although it cyclically ends in failure,
rarely acknowledged. Once again, his confusion of roles places him in an ambivalent manner in
relation to his subordinates, whom he treats as equals, allying himself to the fraternal system. But
when he has to exercise authority he has to position himself as a father, and nobody likes to be
bossed around by a brother who acts like a father.

⠀⠀⠀He tries, in his false abundance, to satisfy everyone and, coupled with his inability to delegate
certain matters and fulfill everything he promises, he is forced to leave or be expelled.

“When I held a position of authority in a water company, I put an emphasis on strong yet forgiving
leadership, which took a lot of effort for me to be able to listen and try to make everyone on the
team happy. I exhausted myself trying to reach consensus, promising more than I could deliver,
giving the requests that came more value than I could sustain. She wanted to be the most loved
“boss”, despite being in a power system where she had little room for freedom. At the same time,
she wished to gain the esteem of those in the highest positions; and without marme. In short, I
wanted to be loved by everyone, to please everyone, and instead I felt very alone”. — ALBA
ARENA

⠀⠀⠀He gets involved and committed, showing himself to be very conscientious and efficient in all
the projects he starts. However, it is very difficult for him to work in a team: he is a despot with
the other and with himself.

⠀⠀⠀The self-indulgence so characteristic of the proud one manifests itself in Social E2 through
behaviors that can work as anxiolytics, such as sex, food, media, or sports. They are his way of
disconnecting from self-indulgence.

“I demand so much of myself: to do many things, to do them well, to know and be in everything,
to miss nothing ... and with such passion, when something doesn't turn out the way I’d like it to,
instead of self-criticizing and analyzing why (those who charge a lot don’t squeeze a lot, how
come I need to do so much ...) I become self-indulgent and tell myself there’s nothing wrong and
pat myself on the back. It’s hard for me to see my mistakes, and before I admit that I might make
them, I already give myself absolution”. — ANA GONZÁLEZ TEJERA

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 justifies this self-indulgence from a supposed privilege derived from how much
everything he gives is worth. But it is also, we insist, where abandonment is allowed, as the only
way to rest, to escape the control and demand of the inner father.

“If I have to get up for a meeting at five in the morning, I do it without question. On the other hand,
if I have to get up at eight o’clock for any matter related to my personal care, I will find a thousand
excuses to put it off”. — FRESIA NORA ROBLEDO POMA
⠀⠀⠀Another form of self-indulgence practiced by Social E2 is procrastination. It helps to avoid
contact with what is not rewarding or painful. And also as a show of superiority, since he’s the
one who decides when things get done. If the task is socially invisible, routine or trivial, he avoids
it or passes it on to someone else. Other reasons for procrastinating are the fear of success, as
well as the embarrassment of publicly showing failure, and even hearing that he’s not
accomplishing everything he promised. In this sense, he’s usually a person who doesn’t handle
time well, as he encompasses more than he can manage.

⠀⠀⠀Your difficulties with authority are another good reason to procrastinate, for example, if you
have to answer to a superior you don’t recognize. You may delay completing a job by not being
accountable to someone whose ability you question. Even when you validate authority, there may
be delays in delivery because, in your mind, the assignment does not need revision because there
is no room for error.

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 shows a high intolerance to frustration and generates helplessness so that your
projects or ambitions do not prosper. If he fails, he feels anything from annoyed to furious, and
will blame the other person or the situation for it, not being able to recognize his share of
responsibility or the excess of the project. He can easily be ruthless with the people under his
responsibility, even if he thinks he is an understanding, fair and loving boss.

“I was the coordinator of a team of seven people. The atmosphere and relationships with the rest
were increasingly complicated, but I was convinced that the problem was the team and that I was
misunderstood despite all the efforts I made for them. One day in a meeting, one of the educators,
whom I considered lazy, was sharing an intervention that she had not done as I had instructed
her. Suddenly I looked at her very angrily and said, raising my voice: “Next time I’m going to blow
your head off”. I was so angry. Only when I looked away and saw the expressions on the faces
of my companions, between horror and anger, did I have some awareness of what I had done,
but of course I didn’t give it the slightest thought; I saw no excess or disproportionality”. — Ana
Baza

⠀⠀⠀One of your abilities is, using your empathy, to adopt the appearance, gestures, and speech
of the one you are trying to attract at every moment. You can abuse others by manipulating them
to accomplish tasks that do not interest you. To do this, you surround yourself with the best and
sell them on the idea, smear them with credentials and the various advantages they will gain.
They believe it is a privilege to take on the task, and meanwhile, the Social E2 is building his
network of collaborators who do this “thankless” work for him, and so he can devote himself to
the more creative part, the organization, the social relationships, or imagining new projects.

⠀⠀⠀He usually works long hours and is so seriously involved that he tyrannizes and enslaves the
other, without taking into account the care of personal relationships. He wants others to adhere
to him as an undisputed leader, demanding absolute loyalty and dedication from his subordinates
and collaborators, as well as a willingness to match his own. This usually results in a frenetic
pace, which many people are unwilling or unable to afford. He is intolerant of the limitations of
others, living as an uncomfortable obstacle, so he constantly tries to correct and improve the
other. He tends to objectify the people with whom he collaborates, reducing the relationship to an
uncomfortable procedure, which he is necessary with, in order to be able to use the other in the
realization of his plans. He feels that others, family, partner, subordinates, etc. They are an
extension of himself, so they have to appear as competent and brilliant as he is.

⠀⠀⠀He is very skilled at assessing the importance and capabilities of each person in a structure,
whether in his social or work world, he pays no attention to those he perceives on the lower rungs
of the pyramid unless he finds it useful to establish bonds of interest with them. For example, you
may have a very good relationship with the secretarial or janitorial staff of a company.

⠀⠀⠀With the few that you recognize as authorities, you use a seductive strategy, and when you
are recognized by them, you interpret it as a fair recognition, as something that is due to you for
all that you do and how you solve it. It’s easy for him to visualize himself and present himself as
the architect of the successes, even if it is a team effort. If this recognition does not occur, he
trivializes it, justifying it as a sign of mediocrity or envy on the part of authority.

⠀⠀⠀And with his equals, since he has never been part of the fraternal subsystem, he establishes
competitive relations from a self-designated superiority, condescending and paternalistic, which
ends up leaving him very lonely.

⠀⠀⠀Deep down, and following his childhood pattern, E2 seeks to be close to authority, to the
elders, which is his natural place of reference. However, although neurotically he seeks power
and even replaces the leader, reality tells him that this is not what calms his ambition. What he
really wants is to find a family where he is recognized through unconditional love and acceptance.
Ultimately, this domineering, counter-dependent character is looking for someone to finally protect
and care for him.

⠀⠀⠀He even shows no scruples in achieving what he aspires to, and to this end establishes
complicit relationships, including bribery, blackmail, mutual aid out of interest, or temporary
alliances. Of course, this, barring criminal maneuvers, can be seen as logical and reasonable in
an attempt to satisfy one’s own desires, but in Social E2 the motivation will be selfish and devoid
of any compassionate or caring nuance, even though he believes it’s for the common good. The
ambitious one owes and serves only himself. His generosity is part of his seductive and interesting
facade. And he ends up receiving much more than he gave. Besides the fact that debts with him
are hardly ever canceled, and that he charges a lot for the “favors” he may have lavished on them
at the time.

⠀⠀⠀Being a creditor puts the Social E2 in a privileged place to have influence over the other and
use him for his plans. And he is extremely interested in maintaining this debt for two reasons. The
first, because it thereby demonstrates that he does not need what he is owed, which reinforces
his false superabundance. The second, because it is an element of control and dominance.
“When I forgive someone, I do it from above, as if I were a pope giving absolution. I do it because
I don’t like to be excused; an explanation is enough to calm the anguish of not knowing where the
mistake is. One day, an old friend approached me to apologize for a past problem; I did not let
her apologize for everything. Then I realized that this way I could hold her in debt forever”. —
ANA BAZA

⠀⠀⠀An ambitious person has an exquisite sensitivity for herself. It is not enough that she has
been recognized on receipt when someone does not value her in the highest regard at that
moment by the other; she requires continuous confirmation of her excellence or superiority.
Naturally, this is a layer of varnish to cover her deep insecurity and sense of neediness.

⠀⠀⠀The endless expansion of power, influence, and ability to which she devotes herself body
and soul can be seen as an attempt to free herself from those shackles that angrily threaten to
suffocate her until they disappear.

⠀⠀⠀The feeling of being small, smaller than the other, infinitely smaller, of being the weak one,
the dependent one, the needy one, causes an anticipatory anguish to paralyze her facing only
two possibilities: either she is on top, and that gives her security, or she is down, and that leads
to being subjugated, to being abused, and finally to disappear. The Social Two chooses very early
on to survive, and in order to do so, it needs to adopt an “oops” position in everything that concerns
it.

⠀⠀⠀It cannot receive; it does not know. Above all, a gift. If he receives something, he thinks it is
in payment for a favor he has done, or that something will be asked of him. And if he hasn’t done
anything before, he will suspect or think that it is a payment for the benefits the other gets from
his friendship. This character keeps a very detailed accounting of favors, payments, collections
and debts, in a notebook where he writes down the “good deeds”, even those that were not asked
for.

⠀⠀⠀Feeling in need is a Social E2 synonymous with weakness, with danger. Being small terrifies
him because he has never been loved as a boy, as a girl, nor has he been recognized in his
weakness or vulnerability except to be used and abused.

⠀⠀⠀Being a debtor is something intolerable, which undermines the self-perception of being above
bonds or duties to another. It is synonymous with slavery. And if there is one thing he loves, it is
to believe that he is free and without limits. He is suspicious of and outright rejects anyone he
may perceive in any respect, be it emotional, sexual, work or spiritual, as referent or superior. He
carries the trauma of having felt mistreated by his elders all his life, to the point of fearing, for
various reasons, very seriously for his life.

“For the emperor, the empress, to ask is the public and explicit recognition of their incapacity, and
to be helped is humiliating. And to be one without having asked, which is very unlikely, is already
an insult. When he is discouraged, defeated, depressed or absent, he takes refuge in his home
and gives no sign of what is happening to him until he pulls himself together and returns to the
stage. I was on the couch in my house with a pretty serious depression; only my immediate family
knew about it. He didn't go out or talk to anyone. Who would he call? I didn't think anyone would
have a clue how to help me.” — ANA BAZA

⠀⠀⠀She harbors the irrational thought that if she puts herself in someone else's hands, she will
be betrayed and may perish emotionally. It is a mistrust that originates in the relationship with the
mother and that generalizes to life; hence her skepticism in receiving without giving anything in
return and her attitude of constant arrogance in the face of her own vulnerability or limitations. To
maintain this autarky, one starts from the premise that he doesn't need anyone. Two socials are
experts at putting others down if they are not useful for them to achieve their goals. In this way,
he gets few people to approach him, which confirms his self-sufficiency, but also his orphanhood.
Paradoxically, when there is a problem, they tend to turn to him, which narcissistically
compensates their feeling of loneliness.

2. THE NEUROTIC NEED

⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝

⠀⠀⠀To be a reference person, in what it considers its territory, is the desire that makes the E2
Social vibrate. To achieve this, he has developed a strategic mind, the ability to influence, and an
opportunistic and always alert intelligence. But he also needed to banish some characteristics of
any human being such as compassion, tenderness, to allow himself to make mistakes, or, what
this subtype fears the most: love, which baffles him and, at the same time, is the only thing that
can cure him. One could say that Social E2 buried, or rather, banished his heart, his childhood
and his humanity after being commissioned to become an adult in early childhood.

⠀⠀⠀One can say that the social subtype is the proudest among the proud. It does not fantasize
about regaining the warmth of its father or mother, although from them it has learned to feel like
“the chosen one”; nor is it content to captivate a few men or women. Social E2 aspires to conquer
territories, groups, and the whole world if it gets lost. Cleopatra, Napoleon, Eva Peron, Alexander
the Great or Lucifer are examples of this charismatic, trickster and crowd-seducer subtype. Says
Karen Horney, defining such expansive characters: “It’s dedicated to self-glorification, proud
endeavors, vengeful triumphs, and domination of life through intelligence and willpower as a
means of bringing success. Practice your idealized self.”

⠀⠀⠀Social boy E2 felt worthy of being watched with love. However, when he was no longer useful
to his mother or father, or inconvenient for any reason, he was pushed away with gestures and
body language full of contempt, which made him feel humiliated. It is from this downward
movement that the pride and ambition to regain the lost dignity through recognition and to become
again, and in all scenarios, that reference person who was loved “unconditionally” is born.
“I remember that flattery, feeling different and being the chosen one lived with contempt and
humiliation. I had to do my best to remain the chosen one and maintain my position in the family.
The word “pride” literally came up to forget the humiliations and overcome that, drawing strength
from weakness to win my parents over again. It’s as if humiliation threw me into a pit from which
I come out giving everything, thanks to pride”. — ROSA USELETI

⠀⠀⠀Claudio Naranjo defines social as the most intellectual of the Two. Although, like the other
subtypes, he uses emotionalization as his main defense, in his case he represses his emotions
and can be more disciplined because he puts the strategic ambition of conquest in the foreground.
Only an illness or a major failure at work level would put him in touch with his physical limits and
a “slight” feeling of vulnerability.

⠀⠀⠀This unbridled action, this passion for purpose disguises itself as ambition and focuses on
the achievement of goals, territories or groups; all as part of the desperate search for a place in
the world to repay what was not given to him in his own right in his family and to escape the cold
emptiness he would come into contact with if he stopped. Social E2 was not seen for who he was,
but rather for his usefulness in supporting and satisfying one or both parents.

⠀⠀⠀He has played the role of confidant, knowledgeable about information that is not appropriate
to his evolutionary moment. He has already played the role of partner to one of his two parents,
according to gender, starting to compete early with his father. In the case of women, in
adolescence they face head-on the one who could have been their idol, to usurp their role as
“father” of the family.

⠀⠀⠀It has been the unconditional support of his mother. She was the one that one of her parents
wanted to shine for, the one who was going to save the family, and it is common that she has
been used as a tool for attack and blackmail among the adults. However, there is one role he
could not play: that of being a boy, a girl. This experience is what brings him closer to and shares
him with E3 and E8, the two powerful enneatypes of the triad of action, in the personality
enneagram. There was no childhood beyond the age of seven or eight.

⠀⠀⠀In the absence of boundaries, protection, or emotional support from one or both parents, they
survive by growing up prematurely to occupy a place of importance and reference within the
parenting system. They are usually isolated from the fraternal subsystem, as they are somehow
denied or renounced relationships with their peers. The absence of a place of his own, the
mandate of self-sufficiency, and a sticky feeling of loneliness will accompany him throughout his
life and drive him to chase glory.

⠀⠀⠀What distresses Social E2 the most is the contact, on the few times he is allowed, with the
underlying states of disability and depression. The idea that if he falls he might die accompanies
him recurrently in his nightmares. This worry stems from the fact that he was not protected or
supported in his emotional falls as a child; and it stayed with him the feeling that he might perish
without anyone remembering or caring for him. In adulthood, he will be suspicious if anyone cares
for him, and, driven to the extreme, he will succumb rather than ask for help. To avoid contact
with this helplessness and calm his anguish, he put his body and head in the service of strategy
and action, banishing his restless heart, which is as inconvenient as having to attend to his most
basic needs, in love without profit.

◯ ◦ The image of the ambitious

⠀⠀⠀The ambitious can be seen arriving; he is braggadocious although he doesn’t speak. When
he does, he can be heard raising his tone of voice, while gesticulating, entertaining the different
people he always has around him. He smiles a lot, and although he laughs little, he can be heard
from afar.

⠀⠀⠀When she walks down the street it is easy for them to make way for her strong, natural and
graceful gait at the same time. He has an arrogant presence, like someone who knows he owns
the land he steps on and gives the image, like a peacock, of being someone who is “important,
regardless of the context in which it takes place.”

⠀⠀⠀Oscar Wilde is a good example of this subtype, a modern man, in the style of the Renaissance
man in his curious and bucolic openness, and somewhat baroque in his expression.
Contemporary with his time, he likes art and beauty in any of its forms. A well-connected
intellectual surrounded by influential people of his time. Funny, perceptive, witty, and with a wide
network of contacts, he is usually well informed and takes care of his personal appearance, which
he easily adapts according to his purposes.

⠀⠀⠀As chameleonic as E3, however, E2 Social uses his appearance more as a tool to achieve
his goals than as part of an image. He takes advantage of his strategic adaptability and empathy
to identify the defining signs of the different groups with whom he interacts. He subtly transforms
his appearance, but without losing his identity or desire to stand out, and integrates himself into
the group he is interested in, managing to be seen and admired for the value he adds to the group
by his mere presence.

⠀⠀⠀He’s an opportunist who knows how to drink from different sources and make an idea or
project his own. He is not content to copy what others have: he takes what he needs and combines
it with other elements, in a creative way, which gives an innovative result. He is an expert at
patchwork from the different stimuli he receives and, at the same time, giving a kind of light that
makes any company seem possible.

⠀⠀⠀Like Napoleon, the last great conqueror. Only a “reckless” like him, a narcissist driven mad
by his compulsive desire for “more and more”, could conquer almost impossible territories: eleven
countries, including half of Russia, and at a time when the media was not the proper for such an
enterprise. Social E2 are people who, despite being considered a fraud internally, rely on a high
self-confidence, compulsively seeking any opportunity to conquer the masses, like Elvis Presley,
Truman Capote or Eva Perón, a magnificent example of how a Social E2 knows how to sublimate
his ambition: Everything for the people.

◯ ◦ The Great Ambitious. The Conquest

⠀⠀⠀Cleopatra, Julius Caesar, Napoleon or Alexander the Great have something in common:
being great conquerors of masses, of territories. Creators of empires, their legacy survived them,
despite the remoteness of the time in which they lived.

⠀⠀⠀In all their biographies we can see points in common, as well as aspects of character that
make them share a subtype:

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 believes he can do what he undertakes better than anyone else. He does not admit
orders, and even less in those matters that he believes belong to it. Thus, he is able to stand up
against established power, arguing that it is for the common good. Both Napoleon and Julius
Caesar proclaimed themselves emperors thinking that only they knew what the people needed,
but they ended up assuming absolute power, despite having fought precisely against it when
another held it. Something reminiscent of usurping one's father's place in childhood.

⠀⠀⠀When a rule is inconvenient or an obstacle to achieving his goals, the Social E2 ignores it or
adjusts it to his needs, even creating new ones with the desire that they be universal. He does
not value doing something incorrect, but necessary, because the end justifies the means. He
naturally applies the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, for he knows how
to justify any act in the pursuit of a common good goal.

⠀⠀⠀A great ambitious person always wants to change the world and make it a better place for
the underdog: “I’m willing to resort to anything, to submit to anything, for the good of all people”.
— JULIO CESAR

“I didn’t want or want anything for myself. My glory is and always will be the coat of arms of Perón
and the flag of my people, and although I have left traces of my life along the way, I know that you
will take my name and carry it as the flag of victory. [...] If this city asked me for my life, I would
give it to them singing, because the happiness of a single shirtless man is worth more than my
entire life”. — EVITA

“I have a heart, but a sovereign's heart; I do not pity the tears of a duchess, but I’m affected by
the ills of the people”. — NAPOLÉON

⠀⠀⠀He’s certain that he is capable of accomplishing everything he sets his mind to in life and
plans great undertakings for himself and the world. This confidence in his personal resources and
his ability to envision gives him the conviction that he knows how to convey his passion when he
believes in something. He takes risks and is an innovator in his field, be it music, literature, or
war. On the other hand, he is a great strategist and has the discipline and tenacity to achieve the
impossible, as he undertakes actions that others can't even imagine.

⠀⠀⠀He resorts to whatever it takes to achieve what he aspires to; he doesn’t care about the price
to pay or the consequences to himself or others. He has big plans for himself and knows how to
take any opportunity to create something new or to bounce back from possible failure. However,
he is a conqueror and needs the group to find support and for his company to be socially
recognized.

⠀⠀⠀When he wants to win, he is ruthless. But when he succeeds, he is magnanimous. Like Julius
Caesar, with the beliefs and customs of the invaded peoples. It is a sign of tolerance, and also a
strategy of control over the conquered. The Social E2 needs to have everything under control, to
the point of becoming a tyrant capable of turning the group against him.

⠀⠀⠀Conquest gives him the adrenaline he needs to feel alive. He is addicted to the excitement
of the power, influence, and status they carry. What he can't do is stay to keep what he has
conquered, because it would involve protecting, caring, or getting into a routine that doesn’t last
long. Social E2 needs to go hook one conquest after another and leave the care of what has been
conquered to others.

⠀⠀⠀He is insatiable; rarely or only for a short time is he satisfied with what has been achieved.
His ambition drives him relentlessly to keep chasing the impossible. His inability to see and accept
the limits, his own and those of others, leads him to irremediable failure. Just like Julius Caesar
or Napoleon, he intends to go so far that his own excess of wanting to be God leads him, in the
same fall as Lucifer, to failure.

◯ ◦ Recovering lost dignity

⠀⠀⠀The word that best defines the neurotic need of the Social E2 is, therefore, ambition.
Etymologically, it is interesting to follow the trail of other related words that could explain the
genesis of this subtype: dignity and humiliation.

⠀⠀⠀The word ‘ambition’ contains two meanings. In both, one observes the desire to achieve
something with vehemence; which puts us directly in touch with the intensity and proactivity of
this character and his vital “going for it” movement, as Claudio Naranjo points out, following Karen
Horney: The so-called E2 is a surprisingly expansive example, that is, let’s say, that approaches
conflicting situations through pleasure and power and giving up [...] and we would say that the
social subtype is the most antagonistic.

⠀⠀⠀Sticking with this term, the ambition of E2 Social is not prioritized by wealth or image, as in
E3 Social, but more specifically the passion to “be more, be more, do more”. This drive for “the
most” gives him back a sense of meaning in life. If he were to stop his achievement, he would
have to come into contact with his lack: an absence of himself, an emptiness he cannot bear. And
he would also lose hope of being loved and valued. To be one among many would be like not
existing, not having a place in the world.

⠀⠀⠀It’s the passion, specifically, of being someone important to turn to, a reference. If we look
more closely, what he really wants is to have dignity, to be worthy of being loved, to be worthy of
love. However, he does not direct this search toward the authentic value that dignity holds deep
within the human being, but diverts it, believing that it resides in being confirmed by the world,
thanks to his great deeds. Following this thread we come across two of the meanings of the word
‘humiliate’ ‘to hurt someone’s self-esteem or dignity and to go through a situation where the
person suffers some harm’. This is the experience that will give rise to the formation of this
character.

⠀⠀⠀When a human being is born, he knows that he is complete and with full capacity to love and
be loved. The environment of Social E2 reassures the child that he is worthy of being looked at
with love, because it considers him a special being, conveys to him that he is going to do
something important; which in turn keeps his self-concept and self-esteem high.

⠀⠀⠀However, something interrupts this nirvana; the mother, especially, is “absent” or looks away
somehow. Perhaps only because, upon ceasing to be a child, that unconditional gaze is no longer,
but what the Social E2 experiences is that a perverse game begins, where he is the custodian of
high expectations and responsibilities beyond his evolving possibilities. This gives him
overwhelming confidence in his possibilities, but at the same time de-energizes you and cyclically
leads you into states of stress or depression. In exchange, he receives something he will never
stop fighting for: a place of power within the system.

⠀⠀⠀In parallel, another family dynamic feeds the child’s uncertainty about what his place really
is, which will motivate him in the future to gain one in his own right within the groups. From this
place of reference and parity granted to him, he feels, by being treated again as the child he is,
the humiliation of having been “degraded”, deceived, betrayed. This expulsion from the place of
importance, this ambivalence about where he is placed by the significant adults, is experienced
as the primordial humiliation.

⠀⠀⠀When the girl approaches her mother in those high heels, proud and self-confident, the
mother, who doesn't need her at that moment, dismissively pushes her away as if she were more
than just someone untoward. These are the first experiences with shame, humiliation, and
feelings of fraud.

⠀⠀⠀Coming into contact with his inadequacy, the future Social 2 child neutralizes this by raising
his chin and personal goals to show that he is self-sufficient and skilled in whatever he undertakes.
As an adult, he will aspire to rediscover this “primary unconditional” love in the groups he tries to
conquer, confusing territory and love.
⠀⠀⠀Paradoxically, when love strikes him, Social E2 is suspicious and unable to surrender or show
what he considers a weakness: his vulnerability and need for the other. When he considers that
he is not loved or that this love is not proportional to what he expects, he feels betrayed and cuts
the person, the authority or the whole group off; you may also leave without clarifying or asking
what happened.

◯ ◦ The Ambitious Way Out

⠀⠀⠀Like all narcissists, the Social E2 carefully and secretly hides, if he is aware of it, his
shortcomings, his failures and, above all, the emptiness that accompanies him. Thus he ends up
in a circular movement between success and failure, between anxiety and depression. As will be
reported in the chapter on childhood, Social E2 was able to suffer depressions of the anaclitic
type as a child and introjective type as an adult.

“The dreaded scene is that they'll abandon me, that I'm not worth it... that I can’t solve other
people’s lives. I sell myself inflated; I create expectations that then weigh me down because I feel
there isn't much in me. It hurts to see how I despise what I have, how I devalue myself by not
always being thoughtful and witty. I see the colorful cellophane I created; it's worn out, like an old
plastic bottle; underneath you can barely see something small and square: it’s a bar of soap.” —
ANA BAZA

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 lives with the permanent tension of the distance between his narcissistic aspirations
and reality. It’s also about someone with low frustration tolerance, which causes a collapse in his
sense of omnipotence. Faced with this imbalance, there are two possible outcomes: either anger
against the other or as self-aggression, both based, as Kohut says, on experiences of humiliation
or depression.

⠀⠀⠀According to Blatt, narcissists subject themselves to constant scrutiny and exhibit such a
permanent fear of criticism that their depression in adulthood will be introjective: feelings of
worthlessness, inferiority, failure, and shame, mixed with harsh self-criticism. These are, and this
is the most significant, depressions that are difficult to detect, because in their speech it is difficult
to notice that they feel so defeated. It is common for them to be unaware that they have
experienced depressive episodes or to isolate themselves until they recover.

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 is disconnected from his needs and self-care because he associates contact with
his inner child with being humiliated and not being held by anyone.

“I felt a lot of sadness, although I never conceived of “depression”. Among other things, because
I did not allow myself to feel the pain and sadness until well into my personal process. I could feel
the sadness and would immediately transform it by getting angry or withdrawn, disconnecting in
some way.” — MONICA ANGULO
⠀⠀⠀One of the axes of narcissism is the high severity of critical consciousness. And one of the
engines of this ambitious man is precisely a severe and persecuting inner father, who torments
him by whispering that he is not enough, that he can achieve more goals, with more commitments.
This voice comes from a constant search for recognition to which he has been accustomed since
childhood.

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 received an inconsistent message as a child, which kept him on anxious alert
because he could be praised or scolded for the same behavior or attitude.

Horney states, in this regard:

⠀⠀⠀Blind worship can increase your sense of importance. You may feel loved and appreciated
not for who you are, but only to satisfy your parents’ need for adoration, prestige, or power.

⠀⠀⠀And a rigid regimen of perfectionist principles may awaken in him a feeling of inferiority, for
not living up to such demands. Tricks and poor grades at school may be severely reprimanded,
while good behavior or good grades are taken for granted.

⠀⠀⠀Another contradiction to which he has been subjected, and that adds social content to the
experiences of humiliation, is that, in his inner self, the mother shows her disappointment if her
son doesn’t live up to the high ideals that have been generated about him. This is a fundamental
aspect in the formation of narcissistic character. On the other hand, when there are “witnesses”,
both at home and on the street, the message is one of disproportionate praise and blind
confidence in his possibilities, to the point of feeling ashamed of how he is bragged about or
shown off: the humiliation becomes public.

“I felt that I was displayed as an object, a product of my parents. I think this is why it is so easy
for me to “prostitute” myself into seduction and, in fact, remember my parents imitating what they
did to me. Always in search of their lost love. I say “prostitution” as a disloyalty to myself, as a
dishonesty. I ally myself with whoever as long as they admire me, and if I feel the aggression, I
invalidate my feelings and put myself as a punching bag, because as neither I feel nor suffer.” —
MARIO MEDALION SERRANO

⠀⠀⠀In adulthood, Social E2 will pay a high price for this familiar pattern, distrusting anyone who
speaks well of him. Interestingly, although what he wants most is public recognition, he’s easy to
sustain it because he interprets that there is something unreal or false about it, just like when he
was a child. Added to this is the fear of being discovered as a fraud, or of not meeting the
expectations that may be created around him. This is one of the pillars of his difficulty with intimate
relationships and the poor quality of the bonds he establishes.

⠀⠀⠀The term ‘recognition’, so common in the spectrum of Social E2, has an ambivalent, though
not exclusive, meaning. On the one hand, it implies gratitude and thanks, and this is related to an
act of arrogance, in which he thinks he deserves special consideration, in payment for the debt
he incurred with him as a child.

⠀⠀⠀On the other hand, ‘to acknowledge’ also means ‘to admit someone as legitimate’, which is
connected to his fear of being seen as a fraud and that by stripping him of his territory he will feel
the original humiliation again. Social E2 works tirelessly to keep the ‘promises’ that will keep him
in that place or status. However, both his own expectations and those he has generated in others
are so high that he often fears, internally and secretly, that they will find out that he really can’t.

⠀⠀⠀In reality, he is tired of maintaining the image he has built of himself and simply needs to be
recognized as legitimate, showing himself fully with his flaws, his limits, his vulnerability, and his
fears, just like anyone else.

3. INTERPERSONAL STRATEGY AND

ASSOCIATED IRRATIONAL IDEAS
⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝

⠀⠀⠀Attachment represents the central cognitive distortion of character. It is a coherent

interpretation of reality, which the child constructs throughout his or her childhood into adulthood,
adapting to family mandates and social messages, and which becomes an “objective” truth that
feeds the infatuation. Thus, a vicious circle is created, where convictions and perceptions of reality
reinforce behavioral strategies consistent with these interpretations, so that one falls more and
more in love with this way of being, losing sight of the context.

◯ ◦ The false Abundance of the Social E2

⠀⠀⠀The false abundance is the cognitive fixation of Two. It is the distorted belief that one has
more than the others, that there is more than enough, when in fact they have the same as the
others.

⠀⠀⠀The proud suppress their needs to believe that they don’t need it. The abandonment they
have suffered is not conscious and conditions their way of acting. He shows himself to be
abundant precisely because he feels, internally, less. It is a condition mirroring E4s, with the
difference that E2 finds an outlet in the repression of lack and identifies with an ideal and
grandiose image of himself.

⠀⠀⠀The false abundance of the ambitious has, of course, its eyes set on the social. This is a
narcissistic response, where he needs to be seen as he sees himself ideally. This idealization
disassociates him from his deep sense of really being a fraud, and he reactively interprets all his
actions and behavior within the framework of a large company and a kind attitude toward others.
He looks for appearances in which he thinks he will be seen as he wants to be recognized,
avoiding failure and emptiness, and entering the vicious circle of character.

◯ ◦ The Vision of Himself

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 sees himself as someone who, in the future, will achieve his goals, for which the
people close to him will praise his qualities. He projects onto the other the look that confirms his
ideal image, because the internal look is insufficient.

⠀⠀⠀And he constantly lies to himself, fantasizing about actions that will put him in the place he
thinks he deserves. Ultimately, his belief is that he is superior to others, that sooner or later they
will have to recognize him. The narcissistic layer is an overcompensatory reaction of his egoic
shadow, in which he devalues himself. In other words, he needs to fantasize that he has superior
abilities because deep down he doesn’t value the ones he already has, because he doesn't see
or recognize them.

⠀⠀⠀The irrational, or crazy, ideas that Social E2 has about himself touch on the themes of
greatness, omnipotence, being a messiah, and also the fallacy that his love has a different quality.
He believes that he possesses a universal love that sets him apart from the rest of the world and
that he can make everything change. He feels deeply lonely, although he seems to be in contact
with all kinds of people all the time and seems to be available, attentive and friendly. He isolates
himself because he has difficulty tolerating the faults he sees in others, and because he is
frustrated that his idealized image is not recognized. Both this isolation and the extreme
emotionality of his feelings are his defenses in case physical, psychological or affective
experiences, such as illness or sentimental or work failures, can put him in touch with his limits
and “flaws”. It is his way of escaping from depression.

⠀⠀⠀Moreover, he’s a person who works hard because his will is not enough for him to achieve
the goals he constantly pursues, so he becomes a workaholic, in a relentless effort to be
recognized.

◯ ◦ The Vision of the Other

⠀⠀⠀The Social E2 sees others as means to achieve his purposes. Some purposes that are
usually strategic: have friends to feel supported; have a partner to have sex with; have good
contacts to raise; have a good relationship with others to avoid conflicts. There is very little room
for the other, because his ambition makes him lose sight of the fact that he is a person. In fact,
Social E2, even though he claims to have many friends, is abandoned by them, especially when
he feels he has nothing to gain.

⠀⠀⠀In groups, the ambitious one is an excellent attention getter. With his emotional speech, you
hardly ever get bored; he knows where to place the accent to keep the external gaze. This, in
casual encounters, is a great way to captivate; but in the medium term it is inconvenient, because
it seems that he always has to put the cherry on top of the cake and you end up seeing him as a
pest and a cheater.

⠀⠀⠀The Social Two’s nose for what the bond is like helps him to give the other what he needs so
that the relationship does not create difficulties. However, because of his own anesthesia, it is
difficult for him to care for this hyper-demanding person with a connection in a connected way. In
fact, he shows himself to the other, and not only has difficulty admiring a verb he confuses with
envy, but thinks the other is slow, incapable, clumsy, or obtuse.

⠀⠀⠀In their relationships, they care in a superficial way and subtly despise the other in order to
gradually leave him or her in an inferior position in which they feel superior, secretly dominating.

◯ ◦ The World View

⠀⠀⠀Regarding the world, Social E2 is apparently generous, adopting a way of behaving to last.
Basically it is like a quest for immortality through good deeds that resonate with society.

⠀⠀⠀For the ambitious person, the world is a great ladder to climb, a great terrain to conquer. He
considers that there are always more groups to reach and make themselves known, and he loves
to feel part of them, as long as he can occupy a prominent place in them. If she doesn’t occupy a
leading position, she thinks she could do better than her own boss, devaluing him, although she
doesn't assume his responsibilities. She prefers the position to the right of the boss, a place where
she can be recognized and confirmed. However, when contrasted with her own abilities in cipa
groups, or when she is put in her rightful place, she feels this as an offense and a humiliation, and
so tries to run away. When personal charm and trickery give way to real knowledge of her true
abilities, she feels like a fraud and becomes ashamed.

⠀⠀⠀The ambitious person thinks that the world is a place where love must triumph. She often has
a naive and messianic vision, thinking that the pain of the world would cease if everyone loved as
she considers she loves. This is a great difficulty, which stems from the dissociation from his own
shadow, which he does not want to look at. What is said to silence the shadow is that one day it
will reach the final, capital recognition, where all its efforts will be rewarded. Moreover, to silence
his own dissatisfaction and sense of emptiness, he believes in the strength of his bonds in a way
that is disproportionate to his strength and the care he has devoted to them.

◯ ◦ Neurotic Mechanisms

⠀⠀⠀Emotionalization is the typical defense mechanism of E2, whereby he “creates” an emotion

or exaggerates it to the point of dramatization. (The E2 is related to histrionic personality disorder,
although the social subtype is more associated with narcissistic disorder). The goal is to defend
yourself from the real emotion you are feeling, such as pain, fear, or frustration.
⠀⠀⠀In addition, you tend to prioritize the seemingly pleasant emotions, such as happiness or
excitement. That is, instead of giving vent to the emotion that needs to be expressed, it transmutes
it into a seemingly pleasant feeling, forgetting what it really needs to express, thanks to the
interpretation in the light of false abundance: Feeling so full of pleasurable, beautiful, joyful and
vital emotions, it infers that it has special qualities. Then he feels like the Sun King, radiating
happiness everywhere.

⠀⠀⠀This reinforces his forgetfulness of himself and his own ignorance of what is happening to
him and how to express it. For E2, faced with the importance of understanding what he is
experiencing, there is the egoic need for the other to validate his own behavior, because he
himself is not sure that what he feels is true, since it amplifies or alters the primordial emotional
quality.

⠀⠀⠀This is the basis of his dependence on the other's gaze, typical of emotional characters: he
needs the other to endorse the lie in which he lives, because it cannot be sustained, since it is
based on a scant understanding of what he feels internally.

⠀⠀⠀What happens to E2 is obviously the same as what happens to other people. However, his
poor global vision and his egocentric self-absorption lead him to consider what he experiences
as more relevant and significantly different from what happens to the rest of the people. The
recapitulation that would be necessary to overcome a problem through proper judgment frustrates
him by emotionalizing his thoughts and making them less accurate. By no longer feeling like one,
he excludes himself, and there, faced with this lack of a sense of parity with the other, the Social
E2 feels alone and deeply empty; a fraud.

⠀⠀⠀One of the most important ideas that this shameless man equips himself with is greatness.

◯ ◦ The Greatness

⠀⠀⠀Greatness refers to a basic cognitive error, which is to consider that big beats small, defeats
small, or is better. The idea, then, is not to be based on what you have and what happens to you,
but to see it in proportion to others. Greatness somehow becomes the idea that “one must be
more than the other to be included”, because internally he only accepts what he considers truly
superior. There is no place then for what is not great. Everything that is not Social E2 separates
him and moves him into the shadows; this is why he is proud of those who unconsciously remind
him of all those things about him that he hides from himself.

⠀⠀⠀This narcissistic response involves assembling a grandiose shell so that it is not perceived
that, inside, he harbors the feeling of cida. These perceptions erupt from time to time in the state
of not living up to it, which would jeopardize the larger emotional self-image, sometimes by
receiving criticism, and arrive at a cyclical behavior that combines euphoric and semi-depressive
conforming states.
⠀⠀⠀This idea of grandeur also speaks to their social conceptions. The ambitious see their
ecosystem as stratified; everyone belongs to a social scale, and “since big beats small, it is better
to be on the higher rungs of the social scale”. This irrational idea is obviously manufactured in
childhood. There is a certain tendency to relate to older people in the little big ones. Already in
adulthood, “the elders” are not the eldest, but those who occupy a prominent place in the social
scale; in short, authority.

⠀⠀⠀With this idea of greatness, it is difficult to have what Claudio Naranjo calls admiring love,
which corresponds to the way I relate to what is greater than me, such as the idea of the divine,
the authorities, or even the other that I consider valuable. Social E2 has great difficulty with
admiration, which he experiences in two very different ways. One is to exaggerate the capabilities
of the other, responding to his own ideal self. That is, he sees in the other the capabilities that he
himself fantasizes he has or can have. And the other, darker form of admiration is repressed envy.
You want what belongs to others, but without being noticed. And so you are not able to really
admire the other, because you relate to him in an ambivalent way, showing haughtiness towards
the one you admire.

⠀⠀⠀This subtype has a vertical concept of the social, where there is one above and one below.
And the ambitious one wants to be at the top, and considers himself to be below where he thinks
he belongs. This is precisely his driving force to reach a place that, in reality, he cannot embody,
although it represents his ideal of himself. For this, overwork is very important. It’s very difficult to
get a place according to your abilities, if not by lying about them, by being so self-demanding that
it can lead to self-slavery.

⠀⠀⠀This excessive effort ends in the overvaluation of a territorial status as a function of greatness,
which comes, as we have said, from some parents or reference figures who stimulated the idea
that there was something great about this child; certainly due to a paternal or maternal admiration
derived from their own unsatisfied pretensions.

Since I was a child I was good at studying, I liked to learn. I had a passion for medicine: I liked
series about doctors, documentaries about doctors. I watched live operations and always said I
wanted to be a doctor. My parents supported him at all times and started telling me that I would
be a great doctor, that I would discover the remedy for cancer. I was proud to hear them; they
bragged about their daughter everywhere. She was always the girl who would be a doctor and
discover the cure for cancer. The years went by and the whole family knew I was going to be an
oncologist and when COU came and I had to decide on careers, I didn't put medicine anywhere,
not even as a last option. I felt so much pressure from family expectations that I didn’t dare and
chose a completely different career.” — ROSA USELETI

⠀⠀⠀What is the price you pay for greatness? By living in parameters that don’t belong to you.
He’s ahead of his age, so what he has to live ignores; he already wants to be in the next one. And
once an adult, he keeps asking for more: he must be at a certain point, he must be more aware,
more complete... In short, more.
Some crazy ideas about greatness:
• “I’m the most important, you can’t do without me.”
• “The others, always behind me.”
• “I’m better than everyone else.”
• “I’m a reference at home and everyone’s happiness depends on me.”
• “Only I can support my parents.”
• “I’m the prettiest daughter, the most intellectual, the nicest. I am everything else.”
• “I see the world as my subjects.”
• “I’ve done so much, I’m so fast and efficient that others don’t follow my pace; it’s better for me
to think and for them to do what I tell them to do.”
• “The others are on a different level than me.”
• “I’m the most special.”
• “If I’m not great I’m not valid.”
• “If I’m not great I disappear, they don’t see me, they don't love me, I’m not worth it.”
• “One day my greatness will be known and there they will praise me.”
• “My thirst for greatness is necessary to fulfill my mission.”

◯ ◦ Omnipotence

⠀⠀⠀Omnipotence is a belief, which underpins the almost manic behavior of the Social E2, that
he can do anything. It resembles the ideal of the Social E3 in the sense that, in this competitive
society, a person can make himself and work his way up to his full potential, regardless of external
obstacles, his own limits, or the prices that necessarily have to be paid, both his own and others’.
The difference between Two and Three lies in the fact that the former considers that he already
possesses all his manifest abilities, and that the other simply has to acknowledge them, while the
latter knows that he has to “work hard to achieve an achievement and lean more on himself”
strategically on the abilities and strengths of those who accompany him.

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 considers that because he has felt at some point that he is intelligent, he really is.
He has the gift of omnipresence. He overestimates himself: he adds or multiplies, as far as himself
is concerned. Believing himself omnipotent is one of the crazy ideas that hurts you the most. He
has a strong attachment to work, with which he gets the resources he needs to feel abundant and
superior. It is a measuring stick. Being self-demanding in performance gives you certain benefits
and helps you believe that you are omnipotent. It is the self-slavery of the ambitious.

⠀⠀⠀Omnipotence finds its maximum satisfaction in planning actions to conquer, be it people,

status or territories. The moment he imagines reaching the goal, it’s as if he already has it in his
hands: “If I want it and think about it, I already have it” (let's not forget that this subtype is, of the
three, the most intellectual). Often the achievement doesn't require much concrete work either,
because the social E2 is skilled at appropriating the achievements of others, whom he has
certainly already convinced of how much he is helping them or how indispensable he is, with his
incredible skills.
⠀⠀⠀In the latter case, he shows all his false generosity in how helpful and helpful he can be, or
how he can save you by getting you out of so much trouble: “I’ll do it, I’ll fix it, don’t worry about
it. And on top of that, he makes you feel dependent and indebted, that is, his subject. It is very
common to see how the social Two, in relationships, manages to make the other remain at a level
of dependence that is even childish, hooked on the idealization of an authority that is so powerful
and loving at the same time.

⠀⠀⠀All Twos have a radar with which they detect better than anyone else what the other's needs
are. It can have the opposite effect on some occasions. And it is that when the ambitious one
realizes that he doesn't meet the excessive demands he makes of himself, he goes into his
depressive side, even despising the capabilities he possesses. One way or another, avoid getting
in touch with what you are.

⠀⠀⠀His is an attempt to stand out and be recognized, whatever it is, above or below; the important
thing is not to be indifferent. As in E4, there is a difficulty in being in the middle ground, in the
lukewarm. Social E2 flees from mediocrity, and if he cannot achieve omnipotent excellence, he
prefers to go to the exaggeration of everything in which he is deficient.

⠀⠀⠀One of the ways he maintains the identity of being omnipotent is by not valuing actual abilities,
but instead letting himself be carried away by his own fantasy, not only about himself, but also
about the abilities of his peers. Social E2 imagines what others' abilities are like, but is not very
aware of them; there is a certain contempt for the intellectual tasks that would allow one to know
what they are. And, above all, he cannot accept, concretely and intellectually, that the other may
have something that he does not have.

⠀⠀⠀Another idea that social E2s believe in their omnipotence is simply to underestimate what the
other does. The ambitious one focuses on seeing the inept part of the other, which he does
wonderfully among his neighborhood, the perfect social E1 and the very effective social E3. When
someone despises others, he paves the way for the only one who stands out to be himself, and
this is still a form of repressed envy. His rim bombing language is striking, full of absolutes, and
with a vehemence that makes the other start to doubt himself, and start to accept the social E2s
criteria. The speech need not be very thoughtful; sometimes he relies too much on his own ability
to improvise, with words that are often passionate but ultimately have little basis.

⠀⠀⠀Speed and anesthesia are ways of disconnecting from the emotional. The mental among the
most emotional, the social E2, is undistinguished by tearfulness. Only when he sees the failure
or the lie behind his apparent invincibility does he allow himself to enter a closer, warmer terrain.

⠀⠀⠀One of the ways he protects himself from contact with his own limits is by procrastination,
with the pressure he puts on himself to achieve the canons required of him. In this way, the
ambitious person leaves the task until when he has no choice but to do it in a hurry, forcing his
own rigor to be more relaxed. This helps him maintain the idea that he can do everything, because
he does it in less time than others; although he ignores the fact that he maintains a high level of
stress for it, as well as dislikes the task.

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 work often goes to push. Too much effort is followed by a time of rest, or rather, of
necessary detachment, where the social E2 disconnects from the task because the intensity with
which he has performed it has left him exhausted. Then, when he energizes himself again,
coinciding with the deadline, he will once again undertake a titanic effort, which has the dual
purpose of finishing on time and maintaining the idea that he can commit to something and
achieve it, reinforcing the idea of omnipotence.

Crazy ideas related to omnipotence:

• “I don’t need the other; I can handle everything”.
• “I can accomplish anything I set my mind to”.
• “I know what the world needs”.
• “I know everything; I can solve all the problems”.
• “No one will ever be as accomplished as I am”.
• “I can handle everything effortlessly”.

◯ ◦ False good love

⠀⠀⠀E2 seems to love himself very much, it is only a facade. He needs to regain the unconditional
love that he once lacked, and he believes he can achieve it by setting up an exchange in which
he will be type one and the other will need him forever, which will put him in an important place.
By demanding so much of himself to be in a position to give so as not to feel his own shortcomings,
the Two stops giving love to himself and looks for it outside.

⠀⠀⠀He not only longs for his partner’s love, which he devalues, but mainly to get a good look at
the group, which serves as emotional sustenance and as confirmation of his irrational idea of
being indispensable. He regularly dismisses his partner as demanding that he make an effort in
which he sees no social reward, and turns to her when he feels defeated. It is in the social sphere,
in being adored by the masses, that this character finds his gasoline and his chest swells with
abundance.

⠀⠀⠀The social E2 is a mass conqueror. To do this, he seduces, territory by territory, the groups
where he comes to receive a general loving gaze. This stimulates an attitude that we could call
counter-dependent, because in order not to feel his own dependence on the love of the other, he
tries to make him secretly dependent. He infantilizes the other, providing him with everything he
thinks he needs at the moment of conquest. As if it were a monetary system in which he leaves
the other in debt, being able to play with credit. When you owe money or, for that matter, when
you owe love, how can the debtor be malevolent or unloving to the creditor?

⠀⠀⠀Love, therefore, becomes a bargaining chip. The ambitious person, once he has left the other
in debt and therefore manipulated into depending on him, devotes himself to the next conquest,
carelessly abandoning the relationship for which he has worked so hard and which he has already
managed to decant for him. From then on the ambitious person will only return to that relationship
when he needs something, in a self-interested way to increase the debt, but there will hardly be
a healthy relationship in which the ambitious person exposes his vulnerability and confesses his
manipulation; he will always justify himself by thinking that it is the other who needs him. And he
will also believe that, in this way, his love for the other is enormous and that he should be valued
for what he has supposedly deposited in the relationship.

⠀⠀⠀Paternal love has been perceived as mercantilist. It projects onto the child an image of
greatness and omnipotence, and it does not impose limits, with which the child believes he can
become unlimited, developing the crazy idea that: “If the other puts limits on me it is because he
doesn't love me or you don't understand me”. Being loved for his actions, whether good, bad,
loving or not, he is manipulated. Then, the boy, the girl, begins to elaborate the concept that he
receives love when he has done certain things, as an act of buying and selling.

⠀⠀⠀Social Two also thinks that “my love has a superior quality” to other people’s loves. The
previously expressed idea of greatness supports this concept of good love, i.e. “I am loved
because I am great”. Or also: “If I am not omnipotent, no one will love me. And one more step:
the ambitious will love you if you serve the idea that he is great, if you shower him with
compliments.

Some crazy ideas related to false good love:

• “I’ll save you”.
• “If I don’t get the approval of the whole audience, I have failed”.
• “If I don’t look like the man I want, I don’t exist or I’m not enough”.
• “If I win you over, you will always hold me in high esteem”.
• “I am loved because I am great”.
• “If I am not omnipotent you will not love me”.
• “If you fall in love with me, you will always love me”.
• “If you know my love, you will not want to try any other”.

⠀⠀⠀A special form of false good love is what we might call kindness. To be someone who moves
up the social ladder, besides possessing the omnipotence described above, one must have good
intentions. Goodness is a way of covering up hidden egoic interests and displacing them in the
shadows. On the conscious side, it would be something like a form of spiritualization of the social
E2. It is a shortcut to enlightenment to show oneself as someone who has already achieved such
skill and generosity; showing kindness as a way to sublimate ambition and transform it into
something transcendental.

⠀⠀⠀What he wants to become or become the object of his ambition is something that once
achieved he despises and where he doesn't allow himself to be, because deep down he knows
he doesn't have the real ability to display it, or doesn’t deserve it, because among other things,
on the way to reaching regency, he took advantage of others, their ideas and their fruits,
presenting them as his own. Although he is the most disciplined of the Two, power ends up
becoming a burden.

⠀⠀⠀Kindness means attributing goodness to what one does from a real disconnect with what one
desires. It is a cover-up, a falsehood. True kindness is different from walking through life naively.
The inability to understand the degree of shadow cast by your seemingly altruistic actions only
reinforces the self-centered generosity displayed by the ambitious. From there, he can hurt and
wound himself, since he is unaware that his seemingly kind acts actually seek a secret goal: to
dominate the other through dependence.

⠀⠀⠀Sometimes, when the social E2 becomes aware that something goes wrong, a numbness
sets in, a kind of almost dissociative anesthesia. For him, it is as if a saint could act sinfully,
something almost unthinkable. The guilt and shame associated with this moment are capitalized,
mixed with the stupor of discovering some hidden intentions that he had been denying.
Sometimes there you show yourself to be falsely humble, believing that you are running away
from the repercussions of your actions. Other times, you can get in touch with the other,
understand that your superiority is nothing more than a shell, and get rid of its weight, situating
yourself as human before others and before yourself.

Let’s look at some examples of crazy ideas:

• “I am the best support for anyone through my help”.
• “I am one of the best people you will ever meet”.
• “I will save you”.
• “My gift is spontaneity and through it your people will love me”.
• “I do so much for you”.
• “No one will listen to you like I do”.
• “I sacrifice myself for others”.

◯ ◦ The Chosen One

⠀⠀⠀In order to lead groups, or to believe that they are in a position to do so, social E2s consider
the crazy messianic idea that they possess some abilities far superior to others, and that this
makes them significantly different. This idea of being the Chosen One, the son of God, the
designated successor, or being at the right hand of the father, is almost a delusional idea. Being
so narcissistic, he blushes mostly because of his small base.

⠀⠀⠀In short, someone who believes that the world is a social ladder, and that he is capable of
anything, who considers himself intrinsically good and with a different, almost unique love, it is
normal for him to think that he can lead others, or to postulate himself as the new Jesus Christ or
Savior of the masses. Napoleon, Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Evita Peron or Cleopatra
are good examples. They felt that they should lead their people to victory because under their
protection the empire would be better and wiser. Social E2 has a very old instinctive ability to
assert itself in the face of authority, even if it conflicts with it. And this ability was based on having
been an emotional reference figure for his parents.
Some crazy ideas:
• “I have a great destiny foreseen by my parents”.
• “Only I can give”.
• “When they know what I am worth, they will all bow down to me”.
• “One day he will appoint me as his successor”.
• “I am someone special, touched in some way by the hand of God”.

4. OTHER CHARACTERISTICS AND

PSYCHODYNAMIC CONSIDERATIONS
⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝

◯ ◦ Cold

⠀⠀⠀Within Ennea-type 2, who is the most emotional type, this is the least so among the three
subtypes. If the defense mechanism of the E2 is repression, which turns unconscious the
thoughts, cravings and necessities regarded as unacceptable, in the Social E2 this strategy leads
to an almost complete cooling of emotions. There are times in which, faced with a significantly
painful happening, he “freezes” and loses contact with part of his emotional world.

⠀⠀⠀The Social Two can therefore remain impossible with nothing and no one able to question
his aggrandizement. If anyone saw that he cannot do something, that he doesn't know or isn’t
worthwhile, it would be catastrophic because a self-referential must not ever allow himself to fail.
At the same time, this coldness and hardness protects him and helps him cover his terror of being
once again betrayed and that no one catches him in a fall. “To protect himself, he sometimes
laughs at his feelings or ironizes them, in an attempt to avoid them, or altogether trivializes and
doesn't own them”.

⠀⠀⠀He shows himself immensely empathic and emotional when he is set to conquer. Just as he
is emotionally indifferent once it doesn’t interest him anymore or when he abandons it for another
conquest.

⠀⠀⠀The Social E2 can go, from a deep subjectivity, to transgressing the norms thanks to his ease
in diverting responsibility for his acts, nullifying his emotions, justifying inadmissible deeds,
focusing all of his energy on the object of his ambition, above the current moral codes or certain
general conventions.

⠀⠀⠀To avoid contact with his inner lack and vulnerability, he shows himself only from his surface,
with a hidden fear, keeping everyone from knowing his darker, more needy and defective side.
Or rather he covers the mistakes he makes with lies and arrogance, defending himself with total
vehemence and a certain air of innocence, which overwhelms or pushes others away.

◯ ◦ Egocentric

⠀⠀⠀His zest for being in the center of attention giving, organizing, doing or talking, is another way
in which he pales his sense of solitude and insufficiency, as he confirms the conviction in being
the center of the universe. He thinks that from this place no one will be able to question him, nor
degrade him by taking him away from the stage from which he receives a transient admiration
that he mistakes for love.

⠀⠀⠀Ultimately, he is infatuated with himself; he is his most interesting conquest. In this

perspective, he interprets the behaviors of others as referring to himself, be it positively or
negatively. And demonstrates a great talent in entangling others for the satisfaction of his
necessities.

◯ ◦ Demanding and Hypercritical

⠀⠀⠀Inside the Social E2 there is a feracious and insatiable inner father, who shows himself
demanding, cold and without compassion, in the form of two coexistent inner currents. One does
not tolerate that he diverts from the ambition and ideals that he has fixated. Only when reaching
them will he value himself positively, although for a brief period of time, which will rapidly turn to
another objective or territory to conquer. The other current, which flows in parallel, is an
aggressive intentionality, a buried anger not always conscious, which is normally directed at
himself, neglecting his personal care, health, resting times or allowing himself to receive affection
or care.

The Social E2 follows an interiorized message from the parents: “Whatever you do, it’s never
enough”. Because of this he resorts to self-indulgence, occasionally; so that he can lower his own
prosecutory angst or negative judgements that he elaborates about himself and which he sees in
the look of whom he has validated as an authority.

⠀⠀⠀Sometimes, he can simulate withdrawal but as a way to demonstrate how without himself
nothing works.
⠀⠀⠀And this anger against the self also finds a way of discharge onto others in competition or
despise.
⠀⠀⠀As says Karen Horney, these are two sides of the same coin:

⠀⠀⠀“The proud develops a series of values that determine what he accepts in himself, of which
he must be glorified and be proud of. But this system of values has to determine what must be
rejected, disdained and hated; and one is inseparable from the other. Pride and self-hatred are
two expressions of the same process.”

◯ ◦ Depreciative

⠀⠀⠀Similarly to E1, the Social E2 has invalidated his progenitors in some way and has developed,
although this remains on the shadow, a profound despise of mistakes, imperfection, slowness,
stupidity, pessimism or fragility, both in himself and others.

⠀⠀⠀This devaluation starts to generate itself in the oedipal phase, with the polarization of the
maternal and paternal figures, where one is idealized and the other despised, and then afterwards
depreciating both. This leaves him, invariably, in a relational place in which he doesn't belong and
that is horizontal or above the parents. By devaluing them, he lacks parental figures to idealize
and with which to identify. This, in turn, will be the seed for not recognizing, as an adult, the power-
figures, self-referencing as the only trustworthy authority.

◯ ◦ Rebellious and Tyrannical

⠀⠀⠀Ever since childhood they have realized how being close to authority provides him a deal of
favors and benefits compared to his equals. They have learned that holding privileged information
or taking part in decision-making gives him a certain power.

⠀⠀⠀Thus, the Social Twos characterize themselves by believing to know better than others or
that they are more efficient than the rest and by depreciating, like proper envious, others’
attributes. It is truly complicated for them to give up authority for someone, above themselves and
their own convictions.

⠀⠀⠀In many biographies of Social Twos there are life-stories of certain intensity and instability.
These experiences, mixed with their ideas of grandiosity and importance, make him believe that
they have certain privileges or that they’re above others. They could resemble a Conservation E2
in this; notwithstanding, they are different in that the ambitious do this from a manifested anger
and a superb and despot demandingness.

⠀⠀⠀They have their own moral code, with which they decide what norms should or shouldn’t be
respected. This regulamentation can change over time, at his whim, if the circumstances require
it, showcasing a total indifference to the ethical implications of other natures. They use and abuse
a selective memory in regards to responsibility in his issues.

⠀⠀⠀The lack of clarity with respect to his roles and the absence of limits within the subsystems
of the family suppose the greatest obstacle for a Social E2 to manage the tasks related to taking
authority. This character at times wants to be a brother (colleague), and at others, a father (leader)
to the group.

⠀⠀⠀With his critical thinking, scathing and depreciative, and his narcissistic fantasy of
omnipotence, doubts that someone can lead him. Somehow stores in memory that one day he
delivered himself, naively, to his parents’ will, and was used and betrayed. Since then is his
suspiciousness towards authority.

◯ ◦ Intolerant of Limits

⠀⠀⠀The Social E2 doesn’t realize that there are external limits to getting what he desires nor to
his possibilities. Curiously, given his aggressive and confrontational ways, neither does he know
how to impose them to others (even if through humiliation). Because he can’t register abuse or
aggression as such, and may humiliate himself so as not to lose a relationship. Moreover, the
pain he feels in the possibility of loss isn’t so much related to the bond itself as it is to contacting
the idea of not being worthy and the following abandonment, which would be an even greater
humiliation.

◯ ◦ Intolerant of Critics

Without relating to his own frustrations, the ego grows exponentially, because it is very difficult for
people of this subtype to sustain the possibility of failing or being defective to the eyes of others,
as well as risking himself to receive any type of criticism, which seem unbearable.

◯ ◦ Competitive

⠀⠀⠀From this exalted self-image there is no competition possible. If we ask a Social E2 if they
are competitive, they will adamantly say no:

“I’m competent, not competitive. I don’t need to compete. It would be ... vulgar”. — ANA BAZA

⠀⠀⠀You “know” you are the best and want to be given your rightful place. And while you generally
maintain an attitude of temperance, security and confidence, it doesn’t always pay off. Entering
the competition means wanting something you don’t have and that would put you in touch with
lack or envy, which underlie your character; or even more terrifying, with the emptiness that
causes the feeling of helplessness:

⠀⠀⠀I would never have said I was competitive because, honestly, when I was little I saw all the
other girls as so inferior to me that there was no competition possible.
⠀⠀⠀Until I started getting sick because a smart girl showed up in class and I couldn’t take it. I
underwent the stress and strain that made me sick for a year, with severe headaches and
dizziness. This I never acknowledged; what I remember is that when I repeated the year, due to
my absences to go from doctor to doctor, the first thing I thought was:
“If I was doing well before, now I will be no match”.
⠀⠀⠀At work I also suffered this hidden competition for myself when a possible rival appeared. I
have suffered a lot when I have seen a person more valid than me in some aspect, close to my
reference man or woman. There I saw my shortcomings that I lowered by not being on the level”.
— ROSA USELETI

⠀⠀⠀Your ego cannot conceive that there is a worthy competitor. You have already beaten the
most difficult and powerful competitor in your childhood: your mother or your father. Hence your
pleasure in conquering the giant and then despising or abandoning him. The underlying fear is
that if you don't succeed, he will become what you fear most: useless. Then will come contempt
and expulsion, and he will be abandoned, as in his childhood, to a chaotic emotional world and
loneliness.

⠀⠀⠀The person of this character has built his self-esteem around being valid and useful to others.
If it doesn’t work out, there comes the threat of not being useful, with the consequent
abandonment: “Everyone leaves, or I kick you out”, they often say, but it is nothing more than a
way of confirming their narrative of orphanhood and the duty of self-reliance. Faced with this fall,
Social E2 pulls himself together, isolates his fear, shrinks his heart, freezes his emotions, and
swears he won't need anyone.

◯ ◦ Hunger of Success, Blindness to Failure

⠀⠀⠀The person of this character has incorporated, early in life, the expectations that laid upon
her, which drove her to have exit in whatever it is that she purports to. Thus she is not, in absolute,
prepared to fail. Thanks to her fantasy, the defense mechanisms of repression and sublimation,
and her self-concept of grandiosity, she camouflages it so skilfully that it can't be seen.

⠀⠀⠀Ever since she was little she would talk eloquently about herself as someone who does many
things, of which she is certain; and that “all” are done well, which is not as certain. The key is in
the adults believing her and giving motivation to keep being this way, so that she may feel admired
and also quite very powerful. Sees herself as capable of convincing others, including of her lies.
This way she incorporates an image of herself in which she is expected to do important and
innovative things and that she is successful in all she does.

⠀⠀⠀The Social E2, when getting to adulthood, tries to reproduce the same situation imagining
lots of projects and telling this as were done as a little boy or girl. Thus almost all energy is focused
on professional life, mistaking the conquering of territories with receiving love. This way he is kept
in contact with constant objectives that allow him to develop his self-image as competent and
admirable.

⠀⠀⠀He is an expert in sublimating every setback and makes others see that, even under pressure,
his efforts don’t cost him. Recollects exhibit in his different personal and professional campaigns
and this benefits him in such a way that he keeps the feeling of accomplishing everything he
purports himself. Nonetheless, even though he achieves important merits, he sells more than he
can give. In this light he can’t see how many casualties have been left in his way, and that he
does not share, confirming his own neurosis.

⠀⠀⠀Failure in the working ambit is one of the few opportunities a Social E2 will have to realize
how far can go his self-sabotage and the pain he inflicts in others.

⠀⠀⠀All energy, creativity, effort and passion that he puts in work is done in detriment of his
personal life. He sees all that is amorous, familiar, fraternal, or his own physical and mental health,
as a moorland he only visits. He has gotten to the point of forgetting to play, or enjoying the world
of love and affection; all of it to avoid connecting to his own vulnerability.

⠀⠀⠀Taken to an extreme, the Social E2 won’t care about his alimentation, nor his health and most
basic and urgent necessities, that he considers inopportune, faced with tasks of higher priority,
that are the ones deserving of his attention.

⠀⠀⠀When he fails, the Social E2 hides home or escapes by seeking big innovations in life:
changing his social surroundings, his partner or work, maybe even his country. Or he may refuge
in different addictions, such as sex, drugs, gambling... or work, which is the most beloved and
prioritized thing for him. Among the Enneatypes, we may definitely define him as the workaholic.

⠀⠀⠀If he can’t keep a romantic relationship, he will center on friendships to deaden the emptiness.
Even then, if he fails professionally, projects are redirected to the partner with bigger expectations
and demands, planning trips, setting rules to her life and trying to “improve” her, as if he had the
strategic manual of the good partner; in this way he projects his own ambition onto the other.

⠀⠀⠀This obsessive drive to success may manifest itself in the formula of “it’s never enough”,
coincident with the message received from the maternal figure: “You are not, and not ever,
enough”. Every goal accomplished isn't turned to anything if not the fragile confirmation of his
grandiosity and indispensability, but the emptiness is insatiable and demands constant conquers
and astounding deeds.

◯ ◦ Envious

⠀⠀⠀Envy is the monster of the Social Two. Realizing that he envies would be contacting needs,
something he lacks, and this would lead him to inadequacy and the emotional void. Contrary to
E4, he uses Envy as a drive to overcome himself, as a jumpstart to conquer what another has.
But the things, as they are: his eye is aimed at the other: what power they hold, what talents, or
gifts that he hasn’t. Of course that, again in contrast to the Four, this character feeling envy doesn’t
result in a way to be seen. To be admired he must be useful.

5. EMOTIONALITY AND FANTASY

⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝

⠀⠀⠀E2 Social resorts to fantasy for two purposes: first, as a defense mechanism to avoid making
real contact with his more depressive emotions and underlying deficiency states; and second, to
escape from the boredom caused by everyday life or reality itself.

⠀⠀⠀His strong emotionality is functional when he foreshadows that goal he wants to achieve, that
satisfies the passion of ambition, and fantasizes about the sense of accomplishment he will get
from achieving it. And also, as a way to generate enthusiasm and excitement in others.

⠀⠀⠀You have been told by your family that you must know how to contain yourself emotionally.
Many people of this subtype have experienced anaclitic depressions in childhood, but have
learned to mask them. Since hidden depressions appear cyclically in adulthood, fantasy is an
easy resource for escaping them.

⠀⠀⠀Their imagination is fueled by reading, which was often, in childhood, the refuge to disconnect
from their own experiences and from that vast emotional world that no one helped them
understand or regulate.

⠀⠀⠀Despite being an emotional character, there is strict control over emotions, so that few are
available: disgust and anger. The rest is not as real as it seems, because emotion does not flow
with thought and action, but it is fantasy that gives rise to the different emotions and regulates
their intensity according to the interest of the moment. The examination of reality is characterized
by an overvaluation and downsizing that keeps fantasy alive.

⠀⠀⠀By means of obvious stereotypes, the E2 Social modifies reality by orienting itself toward
general thinking, excessively abstract and full of absolutes. These generalizations are intended
to maintain the illusion of understanding reality while completely modifying it. The goal is not to
question the feeling of omnipotence. The reality that E2 Social sees is built, in part, with bricks
taken from factual facts, and also with others taken from a very particular fantasy. In this reverie,
he lives in a world where he is a special, lucky and important being, and the people who inhabit it
live accordingly. And this is how he keeps his ideal of himself high.
⠀⠀⠀The histrionic can also be understood as a lived imagination, where living in the here and
now is replaced by an ideal construction of living. Social E2 constantly creates and recreates in
his mind sublime situations that could happen to him. It is somewhat similar to E7 self-absorption
or the milkmaid in the story. Being an optimistic character, it is difficult for him to see the negative
aspects or the price to pay to achieve his goals.

⠀⠀⠀In general, Social E2 thinks in images, sees what he imagines, and, starting from the fact that
he can with any enterprise he sets his mind to, starts to believe. In fact, he creates an ideal
situation in his mind and tries to make things happen as he imagined, forcing reality, people and
himself, but he will not see failure or how he forces others so easily. He is particularly adept at
“inflating” reality like a turkey unfurling its tail. He is a prêt-à-porter tailor who constructs reality
according to his needs and always in his favor. As Napoleon said after winning the first battles in
Egypt: “I already see myself following in the footsteps of Alexander the Great. I imagine myself
founding a new religion, marching to Asia on an elephant with a new Koran in my hand”.

⠀⠀⠀The ambitious person likes to anticipate in his mind future successes, also to better structure
the goals he must achieve. This positive visualization of his projects leads him to compulsive
action that covers up the deep feeling of emptiness. Moreover, just like E7, he confuses
fantasizing with doing. He gorges himself on fantastic projects by wearing the medal before the
battle even begins. Social E2 uses fantasy to give wings to his emotionality, turning into a gale in
the service of the ambition of the moment. The downside is that he doesn’t take care of
relationships or attend to his basic needs, expecting others to do the same; if he doesn’t see that
match, he gets angry and charges.

⠀⠀⠀He imagines shocking and unexpected events that will solve them, conceives thoughts that
do not follow fixed rules or logical connections, and this very mental mode reinforces the idea of
himself as a particularly intuitive and resourceful person, bordering on genius. Your intellectual
life is very intense, but not always reasonable, and you search for data to confirm your intuitions,
leaving no room for doubt or confusion.

⠀⠀⠀The superficiality that is attributed to you is due, in part, to the lack of contact with your real
emotions. Not touching the pain or not “knowing” what is really happening is a result of the
emotional freezing characteristic of Two and, more specifically, of Social E2, and generates
situations in which disconnection is evident.

⠀⠀⠀We can consider Social E2 a consumer of projects; a glutton for ambition. But he does not
stay to receive love, not even his own satisfaction, which is really fleeting. On the contrary, once
the purpose is achieved, it loses its emotional value, leaving room for new desires, which will
materialize in new goals that will only serve to stimulate and retro feed a blind and overflowing
personal ambition. The goal achieved never finds a level of value that can be considered a point
of arrival, of full and lasting satisfaction. He doesn’t even stop to savor what he has conquered.
He destroys it and moves on to something else. And it is precisely this passage from the fantasy
of possessing to the reality of the relationship with the object that makes him lose interest in the
object.

⠀⠀⠀Like all emotional characters, he confuses desire, or rather, hyper-desire, with needs. The
Social Two, disconnected from his primary needs (to be cared for, loved, recognized as a human
being), transfers organismic satisfaction to the conquest of the public. Dynamics that always leave
him deeply unsatisfied and in that magical thought of being important that gives him the illusion
of feeling his existence.

⠀⠀⠀To build the emotional dynamism necessary to seduce the group and thus receive their
acceptance, she recreates tricks and fireworks in her fantasy to “stimulate” the most hidden
strings of those she wants to convince. There she finds the strength that allows her to show herself
to others as someone solid and self-assured, and therefore worthy of being heard, able to interpret
and give voice to the ideals and concerns of the listener.

6. CHILDHOOD
⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝

⠀⠀⠀The title of this chapter is paradoxical, considering that Social E2, precisely, did not have the
typical childhood experiences and probably never felt like a child. It was very early in his
evolutionary development in terms of psychomotricity, speech, and sphincter control. His intuitive
capacity and ability to perceive the emotions of others and understand the experiences of the
adult world soon become evident. In part, this is because he develops empathy early on,
exercising it with a supportive parent to whom he offered his utmost attention and care.

◯ ◦ The Lack of Limits

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 soon realizes that neither parent is really available to him, so he maintains his own
authority. And in his realm there are no boundaries, either internal or external; anything is
possible. There is no restraint, emotional or behavioral, from any figure. The image of
omnipotence that he will build from his earliest years confirms this capacity for self-government.

⠀⠀⠀Social subtype E2 has not been a particularly difficult child for his mother. He has learned
quickly to be responsible, to mature prematurely and to be considered the right hand of one of his
parents or perhaps, as Paolo Baiocchi says, the left hand, to replace his father as soon as
possible. He was a self-sufficient boy or girl who was mainly supported by his mother, and neither
the mother nor the father had to take care of the child.
⠀⠀⠀The privileged relationship between the mother and her offspring does not allow the entry of
the father, who, in the Oedipal phase, is expelled from the relationship or leaves the family,
becoming a peripheral father to be forgotten or idolized as long as he keeps his distance and
does not interfere with her wishes. If the boy or girl allows some form of rebellion against the
father, it will always be to defend the mother or siblings, who may be being treated in an unfair,
oppressive or abusive way.

⠀⠀⠀From a very young age he shows autonomy in his actions and thoughts, developing a very
severe critical conscience towards himself and others. He is treated as a more mature child,
capable of being supported by adults, so he does not learn what he may need from others, who
can also be a source of support for him.

⠀⠀⠀There comes a time when he begins to take the initiative in his actions, taking on
responsibilities that are usually well received by at least one parent. As an adult, he likes to set
himself up as a point of reference or guide for others, going so far as to intrude on their desire to
help when no one has asked him to.

⠀⠀⠀You place yourself closer to the expectations of adults and the parental system than to the
fraternal system, without experiencing the neglect of siblings or feeling complicit with them. This
leaves you with a deep sense of loneliness and of being in no man's land.

⠀⠀⠀The perception of oneself as someone endowed with magical, healing love has a clear origin
in the childhood scenario of E2 Social and can be attributed to two very important phenomena:
the wound in attachment, which will become mainly ambivalent, and the illusion of being greater
than one's parents.

⠀⠀⠀E2 Social subtype is a good boy, a good girl, in early childhood. He is the joy of the house,
eats and sleeps well, talks fast, is witty, obeys willingly, and is always ready to please those
around him.

⠀⠀⠀At this moment a triangulation begins to take shape, from which he will not escape in
adulthood, reproducing it in his couple relationships. If it is a girl, she feels that she is daddy’s
favorite, above even mommy, whom she soon begins to see as an equal and rival in paternal
love.

⠀⠀⠀Somehow, one or both parents have high expectations and trust that he or she will be
someone important in life and surpasses them. It doesn’t have to be an economic triumph, but
cultural, social and intellectual. However, they do not accompany him or her emotionally on this
yellow brick road. Some Two Socials speak of parents who are too distracted, depressed, or
irritated with the child's emotional needs. Others, of parents who are too busy or unable to tune
into the child’s deep affective experiences. The parents have not developed the necessary
function that would have helped the child process and metaphorize the intense and painful
affective phases. Therefore, the boy, the girl, learned prematurely to distract himself from the
experiences of suffering by drawing others’ attention to his false sense of well-being, feeling
satisfied, or his false sense of fullness, showing easy enthusiasm.

◯ ◦ Abandonment and Depression

⠀⠀⠀An original wound of E2 Social, and one that he shares with E4, even though the output is
different, is the experience of feeling emotionally abandoned by the mother. This, although there
are no objective reasons for dependence on the father, is subject to him, adhering to patriarchal
values of subordination of the feminine to the masculine. In general, the mother – due to the
father’s absence – takes on most of the family commitments, without allowing herself to enjoy the
pleasure of caring for her children or herself.

⠀⠀⠀Sometimes the mother gets sick, works a lot, or has to be absent due to family demands. In
any case, affective contact with the child during its first years of life is insufficient.

⠀⠀⠀The wound of childhood manifests itself as a kind of infantile depression, similar to the so-
called anaclitic depression, which involves a loss of continuity in affective development. The
disconnection during the fusion phase, normal after the first year of life, is not fluid, and this first
separation will be experienced as painful grief. As a consequence, in adult life separations will
cost this character; moreover, he will struggle to seek personal validations in relationships.

⠀⠀⠀The pain experienced by the boy-girl in the bond formation stage will make it difficult for him
in his maturity to create and consolidate deep bonds, including friendships, for which he becomes
a rather lonely person despite meeting many people and being in various groups. This difficulty
makes E2 Social an individualist who seeks relationships from which he does not wish to separate
himself; this is his existential paradox.

⠀⠀⠀The affective contact sought is a neo-proposal of the fusional relationship typical of the
mother-child dyad during the first years of life, a strong hidden affective dependence. From this
derives his constant need to feel confirmed and, although he keeps it hidden, a deep demand to
feel loved.

◯ ◦ Greatness

⠀⠀⠀In the childhood of an E2 Social there is little affective containment from the parent pair. You
learned quickly to be seen, but also gave up early on the primary need to share and understand
your emotions, and to receive support for your problems.

⠀⠀⠀Often this boy, this girl, in order to feel some affective support, has become an accomplice of
a parent. It is the mother who asks him for his concrete support in the practical and effective
management of the family, or even of the couple. And sometimes he is treated differently from his
siblings in family decisions. This responsibility and illusion of being important, which the child
accepts, are interpreted as a love that, although it doesn't warm him, warms his heart and will
soon turn into pride, because it is a mystification.

⠀⠀⠀This paradoxical situation can be managed by the boy or girl resorting to a fantasy of
grandeur, building the illusion of having imaginary powers, of having the strength to bear the
weight of responsibility, of being an essential person within the family. Illusions and convictions
that are confirmed by the manipulative messages of the parents who conspire with such a fantasy.

⠀⠀⠀Simultaneously, a parent loads the child with his or her own dream of personal greatness,
which may or may not have a specific direction. The requirement appears implicitly in everyday
life or can be made explicit in an ambiguous way such as, “You must become great in some way.
In any case, the son, the daughter, feels that he must fulfill this mandate derived from his parents’
need to satisfy his own ideal. Behind this request hides the narcissistic distrust of being able to
show off the little one, or the fear of not being able to respond to his own parental ideal”.

◯ ◦ The King in search of Territory

⠀⠀⠀The conditional love on which he has learned to feed and the consequent affective distance
with his siblings, as well as a subtle competition with his father or mother, lead him to feel deeply
alone. He does not experience a sense of belonging, he has no real place in the family.

⠀⠀⠀Occupying a place that is not his, will be for this subtype the impulse to keep looking for a
place in the world that meets his expectations, with the secret intention of filling his lack of not
being seen and loved by him, which he feels deeply. He was a boy or girl capable of sensing his
parents’ needs and acting accordingly. Sometimes it even seemed to him that he possessed
magical abilities and could know the others’ needs before his own.

⠀⠀⠀Among the painful experiences that this boy or girl hides from others, there is also a deep
sense of shame about the behavior of one of his parents, who somehow represents a danger to
his social image.

⠀⠀⠀The shame for something that has to do with them and the self-devaluation are experienced
by the Social E2 child in a traumatic way and are experiences that will accompany him or her all
his or her life. It will be precisely these secret experiences, which are not recognized by the adults
who have been hidden, that will lead him to narcissistic compensation: during childhood he will
behave like a child older than his age; and as an adult his relationships will always be strategic
and he will maintain a strong intellectual activity.

⠀⠀⠀Most of them were children physically bigger than their peers and siblings, and with a bigger
appetite. Faced with his siblings, he emerges as “the best”, the one who adheres the most to the
expectations of his parents, who also publicly acknowledge him, so he feels committed to
maintaining a very high performance.

7. PERSON & SHADOW: THE

DESTRUCTIVE FOR ONESELF
AND FOR OTHERS
⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 wants to be a hero. He believes he has everything going for him to be one. He has
created a character exclusively of light, banishing to the shadow territory everything that seems
unworthy, inappropriate, absent, or dark. No nuance that devalues him has been revealed, and if
it happens, it will be up to him to project it onto others, to deny or justify it, with unbearable
vehemence.

⠀⠀⠀Maintaining such a high-level character makes it necessary to hide aspects such as envy,
rivalry, resentment, fear of error, and a deep sense of not belonging that leaves him very much
alone behind the facade of resolute control.

⠀⠀⠀As a hero, he not only assumes that he has power, but also that he can abuse it to achieve
an end that he will disguise as a noble common goal. Social E2 turns everything into a power
struggle. In which he obviously aspires to win, without caring about hurting or losing a relationship
(something he doesn’t understand, when it happens). He is very adept at omitting or denying his
failures, because he cannot maintain, even to himself, that he is not capable of doing everything
he commits to.

⠀⠀⠀The vicissitudes of life, in this subtype, resemble a tense surge followed by an equally
powerful hangover: from self-exalted excitement to consequent de-energization. His actions are
frantic and compulsive, without assessing the risks. Their goal is always to go further.

⠀⠀⠀Spontaneity in expression is also used in a manipulative way, with the goal of impressing
others in order to gain their consent and attention. The reality is that this character does not like
to reveal himself: wanting to be perfect prevents him from showing himself as he really fears to
be. Show the butterfly and hide the worm. It is difficult for him to be perceived emotionally involved
in the competition. He wants to dominate, but without “getting his hands dirty”. He doesn’t like to
feel the emotions that can arise from open competition, as this would put him in touch with envy
or fear.

⠀⠀⠀When Social E2 feels his self-esteem threatened, he falsifies reality and lets out his
aggression in order to cover up the sadness and restore a sense of well-being.
⠀⠀⠀Social E2 makes a logical justification of what he feels deeply as painful and, above all, of
what he considers unfair to him. To do so, he makes a transition from what he feels to what would
be fair to do and feel, which activates a hyper-compensation of the experience of inferiority and
of not feeling adequate.

⠀⠀⠀This character lacks reserve, meticulousness, and a sense of economy. You don’t like to
keep secrets, because the need to relate trumps any assessment of timeliness or relevance. By
revealing the confidences that the other gives you, seduced by a manipulative closeness, you
reveal your little intimacy and are unaware of the betrayal. You don’t know a relationship of trust;
don’t believe in it. The result is that he harms himself by feeding his experience of loneliness and
lack of trust in others, of their “generous and friendly love”.

⠀⠀⠀The need to seduce people and groups is closer to devouring the object of seduction than
simply wanting to be loved. It is an oral-receptive character. Although it is difficult for this subtype
to achieve obesity, they are large individuals with a rather self-destructive attitude toward food,
as they use it not as pleasure, but to cover up the feeling of emptiness on the occasions when
they come into contact with it. It is also possible that they deny themselves food, as a way of
denying that they have basic needs, or as a paradoxical form of revenge, denying themselves
what food means in contact with life.

⠀⠀⠀When you are not the center of attention, a deep feeling of loneliness comes easily. This is
why he surrounds himself with many people, even though he feels lonely inside. The approval of
others is the only lifeline in the face of this intense feeling of loneliness and desolation that he
experiences.

⠀⠀⠀He is hypersensitive to criticism and does not like to be challenged. The pretense of
admiration and the rejection of criticism are his way of trying to maintain a self-esteem that,
despite appearances, is very shaky.

⠀⠀⠀He is not aware of his exploitation of the other because he justifies it with a greater need to
fulfill the common mission. Nor is he aware of his affective exploitation when he involves others
in his projects, or when he seduces them with his ability to help, just to feed his self-image of
goodness and to feel that the other needs him.

⠀⠀⠀He positions himself as a spokesperson for the unspoken desires of others, with an
enthusiasm that generates warmth within himself and others.

“Since I was a little girl, I didn’t feel seen or loved. He was the youngest of three siblings; that is
why I always sought affective recognition, based on helping and becoming indispensable,
altruistic beyond the limit. I gave up my life as a child: I was my mother's helper, the daughter she
would like to have”. — ANTONIO MESSIA
⠀⠀⠀Social E2 subtracts the affect from consciousness, so that he is unable to simultaneously
experience the cognitive and affective components of an experience (which are isolated from
each other).

⠀⠀⠀One of Social E2 favorite ways of self-destructing is a taste for addictions. Television, social
media, food, sex or drugs. But the one he practices with the most pleasure is that of work
addiction, which allows him to banish his affective life, his self-care, or his possibilities for
enjoyment into the shadow territory, causing interruptions in the flow of consciousness.
Concealing your needs allows you to continue to ignore them. And when he realizes that he has
neglected what is his and yours, he punishes himself by feeling unworthy and despicable. He has
sold his soul to the profession. His is a perpetual race against the clock, with no satisfaction lasting
more than a brief moment, just long enough to take a breath and embark on a new project. This
addiction helps him to deny the suffering he experiences when he comes into contact with
emptiness or the depressive feelings underlying his character.

⠀⠀⠀The people who surround him in the professional or affective field enter his merry-go-round,
where there is no real exchange, where there is no room for a voice that does not serve to support
his need for protagonism. Social E2 invades the lives of others like an unstoppable wind.
Teamwork means having a team at your service. The result, in the people around him, is a feeling
of inadequacy, of annihilation and alarm. His internal and external “rush” is in service of the fact
that no one really knows him or can get in the way of his expansion plan.

⠀⠀⠀Like the other two subtypes, the E2 Social appears free and uninhibited, but only in
appearance. In reality, his freedom is illusory, as is his supposed courage. Actions with social
impact and courageous behavior are based on a lack of awareness of how they move in the world.
What dictates his behavior is, above all, his annoyance with the rules. You could say that he
constructs a personal morality, composed of his own norms and values that may vary each time.
This is not self-indulgence, as in E7. It is not even justifications for a possible feeling of guilt, as
an E6 would do. These are logical justifications in which the Social E2 faces only himself and
others do not exist as autonomous persons. A self-referential moral constructed to optimize the
functionality of the neurotic project. The consequence of this intellectual process ends with the
confirmation of his own logic, instead of examining reality. This leads him to not cultivate doubt
and to fall into the illusion of omnipotence.

⠀⠀⠀The constitution and maintenance of these maneuvers depend on primitive defense

mechanisms. To wit: The separation of negative representations of self and object from positive
representations; the projection onto the other of the negative aspects of self; and the consequent
devaluation of objects and relationships that are not functional in the project of overvaluing self.
The other is an object, an instrument to use depending on what you need for your project.

⠀⠀⠀His high expectations and the image he has created of himself prevent him from being free
to publicly reveal his limits, his vulnerability, or his needs; including the fact that he seeks support,
care, and protection, which would result in the lowering of his social image and the
impoverishment of his self-image, he idealizes the big da, something that would be very painful
for him. Underneath the god is hidden a child who could never be like that and who grew up hiding
his humiliating smallness.

⠀⠀⠀The denial of vulnerability is a patriarchal aspect of the ambitious, who always wants to be
on the crest of the wave and will never ask. In this way, he cancels out the feelings of inadequacy
that would obscure his self-exaltation. It is the trap of false abundance that, in the long run, turns
against him at the intrapsychic level, with feelings of painful deprivation.

“When the change of conditions no longer requires the effort to maintain the whole, I fall into a
frankly depressive psychophysical prostration, which I fear and hide as much as possible”. —
ALBA ARENA

⠀⠀⠀Intolerant of mediocrity, her passion is in touch with the feeling of self-triumph. For a person
as special as she feels, there is no life without excellence, something that leads to self-destructive
situations. The game of life is to bet on a winning horse.

⠀⠀⠀Another way in which her destructive capacity acts is through impulsiveness.

⠀⠀⠀The primary experience of loneliness is renewed by experiencing it cyclically throughout life.

The person replaces the bitterness and pain experienced by ever new goals that give him, at least
as an idealized fantasy, the illusion of wholeness and strength. The permanence in maturity of
the attitudes of a sucking and biting baby is what characterizes the destructive form of Social E2.

⠀⠀⠀As is evident, the world of relationships and love is greatly damaged and impoverished in
Social E2, who uses it to attack and self-attack. He is afraid of giving up on himself, of losing
control, and of his own inner chaos, so if he experiences them, he puts aside the feelings that
arise. He positions himself as someone who is uncompromising, rigid, and perfectionist,
especially with his family and those closest to him.

⠀⠀⠀His marked elitism makes him very selective with whom he considers part of his inner circle.
And in his arrogance, he thinks it is normal that others want to be his friends, but he cannot
understand what they could contribute to him.

⠀⠀⠀He is a territorial, possessive and very utilitarian person, aspects that are diametrically
opposed to what love is, so that few people stay among his friends. The work overload he is under
leaves him little time for the necessary cultivation and care of friendship, so that he can maintain
some distance relationship, but it becomes almost impossible for him on a daily basis. As a
metaphor, it works with filial love in the same way as with plants: an E2 Social doesn’t usually
have them, because he either drowns them or lets them die of thirst.

⠀⠀⠀For this person it is difficult, and internally he feels it is very dangerous, to establish solid and
stable attachments. He has forgotten in the shadows any need for love; among other reasons,
because he is ashamed to show himself dependent, tender, or needy, and has difficulty submitting
to the wishes of another.

⠀⠀⠀In his “false” need for independence, he finds it extremely difficult to establish horizontal
relationships. Pretending to position oneself as the essential one, the boss, the independent one,
or the most capable one invariably makes the other want to run away, tired of being under the
tyranny of the emperor. This perpetuates their feeling of not belonging and confirms their inner
perception of loneliness.

⠀⠀⠀The damage that is difficult for him to recognize is how he puts the other in a condition of
inferiority, since his greatness is unattainable. At the same time, by transmitting his affective need
to the other, weakened and pending, he keeps him in a double bind: “you always need me, and
you will recognize me as greater than you”.

⠀⠀⠀The theme of love will be dealt with in the following chapter, but it is worth highlighting, even
if briefly, E2 Socials relationship with sexuality. His great difficulty with surrender and trust makes
this terrain extremely dangerous, if not unnecessary, as he considers that there are more
important things to do. There may be two situations that seem opposite, but are not. Either the
fear of sexuality prevents you from having intimate relationships, or the fear of intimacy gives rise
to compulsive sexual behavior. In other words, either they deny or use sex as a tool for
manipulation. The case is not reaching an effective and intimate relationship, something that
would leave you without defenses, somehow losing control of the situation and of yourself on an
emotional level.

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 is, after all, an unprotected child disguised as a moody giant, who gets emotionally
and behaviorally agitated wherever he goes, destroying any possibility of loving and being loved
unselfishly. His final revenge takes shape mercilessly by attacking and attacking himself, denying
himself any kind of love so as not to feel used, betrayed, excluded, or abandoned again; the heart
does not suffer if it is not given the chance to feel.

◯ ◦ Brief clinical Illustrations

⠀⠀⠀For a Social E2, it is necessary to identify the disturbance in the regulation of self-esteem.
The grandiose ego persists based on narcissistic inversions, which prevent the formation of a
normal, compensated superego integrated with ego ideals. As we have seen throughout this
book, Twos expression of pride is an attempt to shake off an insecurity in the realm of self-esteem.
Proud people have in common the elimination and hyper-compensation of those who, on the other
hand, pre-feelings of inferiority and insufficiency dominate in the Four.

“Asking is difficult for me; I feel it as a form of weakness. I often transfer my needs to others and
that makes me feel better; then I don’t notice them. Since taking the SAT I have started to
recognize them”. — MAURIZIO MARTELLI
⠀⠀⠀Anger, whose perception and expression is not difficult for this character, can be a parasitic
emotion that covers up and mystifies sadness. Therefore, it is opportune to take the occasion
when it seems to investigate further.

⠀⠀⠀As for the feeling of excited joy, it may be a defense, linked to intellectualization and strategic
elaboration, to overcome, with an imaginative activity, a difficulty with which one does not want to
come into contact.

⠀⠀⠀It is convenient that this subtype be in contact with deep experience, with the body that
speaks and tells the truth: to stay in the here and now, the only antidote to the intellectualization
and internal dialogues with which one intends to console oneself.

8. THE LOVE
⏝⏝⏝⏝

⠀⠀⠀E2s like to touch, laugh, play, look into your eyes, create an atmosphere in which you feel
that magic is happening. Contact with an E2 becomes a promise of something profound that will
happen in this relationship. And it happens, because for this character each contact represents
an opportunity to recreate the state of fusion with the mother, with the illusion of healing the old
wound of loneliness that he carries in his heart. This form of contact presents a great difficulty,
because it cannot be maintained over time due to its excessive intensity; it seems more like an
excitement than a mature feeling.

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 makes promises that he does not keep. The intensity will be interrupted. Two, in
general, gives more than he promises and promises more than he gives. It invests heavily in
relationships, but is fickle and superficial. Instead of an upward spiral, where the meaningful
relationship is gradually cultivated, deepened and nurtured, the E2's set up is made of rises to the
top with falls in equal proportion.

⠀⠀⠀E2 Social subtype, as a merchant of a paternal love that he does not know directly, imagines
it, idealizing it. He manipulates the relationship by posing as a guide, with the goal of buying filial
and admiring love. He wants to be admired and loved as a child might wish. To do this, he sells
his enthusiasm with projects and goals, proposing himself as a parent who knows where to go
and how to get there. He generously shares it with his children, from whom he expects obedience
and service in gratitude and recognition through his efforts to improve his image.

⠀⠀⠀One or both parents have placed their own unmet needs on him, offering him manipulative,
utilitarian and conditional love. Thus, all their relationships contain these three components,
desperately seeking what they believe is there and what they interpret as unconditional love,
which they idealize and can never get back. This leads to continual frustration, which leads to
revenge in the form of punishment and withdrawal. Thus, he condemns himself to a life empty of
love.

◯ ◦ The Three Loves

⠀⠀⠀According to Claudio Naranjo view, the Two, as an emotional character, represents

compassionate love, the mother. However, Social E2 seems to have a more developed love of
admiration, like almost all social subtypes, precariously inhabiting compassionate and erotic love.

⠀⠀⠀This love of admiration of his is not, however, as Naranjo says, “a love of God or of other
aspects of an abstract kind, such as beauty, music, or art”. Rather, he seeks to impress and be
adored, through his magnified image, like a patriarch. Social Two basically presents two distorted
ways of admiring love. Since he is unable to give himself to something greater, he turns it into
self-adoration. And at the same time, he assigns a disproportionate value to the one he wants to
conquer in order to then feel admired.

⠀⠀⠀E2 Social lacked the love that looks up to heaven, as a model of authentic love from mother
to father is commonly absent. Moreover, since he disguises himself as an adult and a father, he
does not know how to admire, but loves to be admired. He is a child disguised as an adult and a
father.

⠀⠀⠀This love of admiration that he longs for leads him to cultivate a self-image as a charismatic
person, intense and good at the same time. His great desire is to be loved by the people, an
enlightened leader who is followed out of love and not fear.

⠀⠀⠀As for Eros, he belongs to the world of the instinctive, an aspect of himself that is very difficult
for him to accept. Sexuality puts him in touch with something that makes him very uncomfortable:
his animality. He has lost touch with his essential nature, and secretly suffers from sexual shame.
He cannot carry within himself aspects that bring him so close to his need for the other and to his
own humanity.

⠀⠀⠀Despite his innate seduction, he runs away from dedication to pleasure, and even more to
intimacy, because he feels betrayed just when he felt that ecstasy of oneness in childhood. Love
at this level is forbidden territory. The fear of such exposure is overwhelming, and E2 Social
becomes evasive so as not to relive the deep sense of deprivation and betrayal that he
experienced as a child and that somehow meant the death of an essential part of himself: the
capacity to surrender and to trust in being worthy of being loved.
⠀⠀⠀It is useful for Social Two to pay attention to sexuality, to discover it both as play and as a
form of self-love. From there you can loosen your armor to abandon yourself to a state of rest and
surrender that allows you to detect your innermost needs.

⠀⠀⠀Compassionate love is deeply distorted in the person of this character, and is always
utilitarian and exaggerated. Although she has a great capacity for empathy, is generous and
sympathetic, she does so from a manipulative movement. The gesture comes from the heart, but
the ego quickly turns it into an opportunity, in the form of personal benefit, which is no longer
genuine or selfless.

⠀⠀⠀While she has a real ability to see the light in the other, she puts it into play in the form of
cloying flattery and creating a bond of loyalty and debt to her, as a way to create subjects who
will follow her.

⠀⠀⠀She cannot be compassionate because her self-exigence makes it difficult for her to see the
fragility or the possibility of error, either in herself or in the other. This would be a dangerous
opening of the heart, which puzzles her. To avoid this, she maintains a sustained anger that traps
her in contemptuous judgment of everyone and everything. This contempt is a defensive reaction,
and the devaluation of the other has as a consequence a distancing from both the divine and the
human.

⠀⠀⠀He suffers the pain of others, but perverts it through a theatricality born of his
hyperemotionalization. The only available path will be to enter the dark night of the soul and go
through it with the pain and the lack of a hand, opening himself to his own finitude and
vulnerability.

⠀⠀⠀The E2 Social is able to establish supportive relationships and forms of exchange, although
always linked to the pursuit of personal benefit. His own neurosis prevents him from giving himself
the freedom to receive care and attention and to establish relationships in which maternal love
prevails, projecting onto the other his deepest need for affection.

◯ ◦ The Couple

⠀⠀⠀In the couple relationship, the E2 Social is apparently the less dependent Two, although in
reality he is counter-dependent. More than intimacy, he seeks recognition of his special gifts and,
in one way or another, ends up becoming indispensable.

⠀⠀⠀The E2 Social person sells a relationship of parity, but what he really wants are subjects. He
doesn’t know how to function in horizontal relationships, and in the couple it will be no different.
She feels stronger, smarter, faster, more decisive and capable. To prove this to the other, she
enters a competition that only ends when the couple submits and she comes out on top. He
achieves this thanks to his control and his ability to anticipate, organize and take advantage of
every opportunity that arises, leaving the other with a feeling of uselessness, clumsiness,
slowness and lack of reflexes that will inevitably impose an internal distance and an unequal
relationship. The power has already been established.

⠀⠀⠀When the E2 Social is in a relationship, sooner or later he will start trying to polish in the other
what doesn't fit his ideal. Always from a subtle manipulation he will be modeling these little
inconveniences. If the partner makes a mistake or shows some discrepancy, he will be
condescending, like a mother who has to educate her child, or he will start a vehement dialectical
battle loaded with emotional manipulations until, out of conviction or boredom, the other gives up.

⠀⠀⠀It is in the home that the emperor appears most clearly as a gift and laden with rights, who
has far more important matters to attend to than the “occupation” of a home. He gives the love of
a father, but not the warmth and tenderness of a mother's love. What Social E2 likes is to organize,
plan, decorate and, above all, to order what should be done and how it should be done. It may
seem that he is the one who carries the load, but in reality it is the others who take care of the
more domestic and daily tasks.

⠀⠀⠀If someone is visiting, it’s different: Social E2 can creatively dazzle and impress guests, even
if you have to invest many hours of preparation or subject those closest to you to your multiple
perfectionist demands; all for the sake of public image.

⠀⠀⠀He is very possessive and territorial, so if he feels threatened in any way, he will use all his
charm, various tricks, and even his seduction skills: all to get the other back. This also applies to
friendly relationships. If he is able to touch the pain that the fear of loss causes him, he will
experience it first with disbelief and then as something devastating.

⠀⠀⠀Childhood resentment and distrust in the face of possible betrayal, understood as any form
of dissent, appears in the form of revenge, which materializes as silence, contempt, distance,
cynicism, and coldness. The empress and emperor cyclically need confirmation of their value and
position of privilege. Therefore, they expect their partner to make sacrifices that will guarantee
their love. To do this, they may ask you to stop doing activities that interest you or any subject
that is of relative importance to the other.

⠀⠀⠀E2 Social is and is not in the love relationship. Something internally does not allow him to
give himself or commit himself deeply and sincerely, because this entails an archetypal dilemma,
which is my dichotomy between fidelity to father or mother, depending on whether he is male or
female, and fidelity to the couple. On the other hand, and although he aspires to merge with the
other and idealizes love, he is convinced that love is always conditioned and utilitarian, as he
experienced it in early childhood.

⠀⠀⠀They usually have many adventures, but rarely pair up and tend to be long-term relationships.
In the case of women, they are quite faithful and when they break up, they leave room until the
next relationship. There are other cases that have different lovers throughout their lives, but fail
to consolidate a couple. Some reasons for this are their high demands, their need for
independence and freedom, or their prioritization of the professional over the personal. It is
common for E2 Social to leave the relationship, due to frustration of their high expectations,
boredom, inability to sustain commitment and intimacy, or not being dumped.

⠀⠀⠀Sometimes they use sex compulsively, as a form of conquest and domination, but also as a
means of contact, to discharge accumulated tension, and mainly and unconsciously, to avoid the
fear of intimacy. There is no real surrender to Mistress Rose, nor can she easily relinquish control.

⠀⠀⠀The family, as the group, can be the place where the desire for recognition unfolds, occupying
a place of reference: good advice, guidance if needed, and protection. Forced in some way to be
the emotional support of the system, he cannot appear weak or needy. He tries to avoid displays
of affection, as they put him in touch with his vulnerability and he feels he might break.

⠀⠀⠀Social E2 is often used to resolve inter-familial relational conflicts and this gives him a certain
power, it leaves him on ground that is under his domain, but which he cannot share with anyone,
because he excludes himself from the filial system in order to place himself above others, his
siblings and his parents; he is only willing to receive love of admiration.

⠀⠀⠀She feels very strongly the desire to rise above the masses and mediocrity in order to occupy
a privileged place of visibility and personal importance, and she manages to satisfy this need by
helping the couple to achieve a social visibility useful for their personal project.

◯ ◦ Confusion between Love and Territory

⠀⠀⠀He confuses the love he receives from groups with unconditional love. He thinks it is love
when, in fact, it is recognition. Social E2 experiences this as acclaim from those who become part
of his territory. And if we talk about possession, it is impossible that it is love. In his exaltation
before the applause of the person of this character, he confuses being admired with being a
group, loved, accompanied, loved, sheltered, included.

◯ ◦ Maternity and Paternity

⠀⠀⠀Social woman E2 has not, in general, played with dolls. When she observes it in others, she
despises it as something superficial, absurd, and as if it is unnecessarily lacking. She does not
feel the urge to be a mother because of this instinct. The mission to fulfill with the world prevails
and fills everything.

⠀⠀⠀The vital project does not include motherhood in principle. There are many goals to fulfill
professionally, so the couple is often downgraded. She spends a lot of time in a wide social circle,
as she can be immersed in different projects at the same time.
⠀⠀⠀There are different reasons that can spark the motivation to have children, but none seem to
arise solely from love and the satisfaction of a motherhood instinct. The city, or that people around
them are thinking about becoming mothers, arouses in them a buried envy.

⠀⠀⠀Another reason may be, depending on her profession or social position, that motherhood
gives her a status that she sees as an added value: to favor her social image, to be consistent
with what she says in certain contexts in which she is inserted, or to demonstrate that she can
with everything. That’s when she considers it, as one more enterprise to conquer: being a mother.

⠀⠀⠀From the moment she learns of her pregnancy, she starts working as if it were a new project.
She informs herself, reads and attends all the courses to show that she will be a good mother.
She becomes controlling of herself and her surroundings, but a receptive, loving and nurturing
instinct for protection or motherhood awakens in her.

⠀⠀⠀When something goes wrong in parenting, her arrogance and magical thinking leads her to
believe that she is solely responsible. Underneath is the deep sense of orphanhood that has
accompanied her since childhood, having placed herself above her father and mother, and a real
desire to have a family to belong to, albeit, again, from a place of importance.

⠀⠀⠀After you start your new business, you will see everything related to pregnancy and
parenthood as an extension of your self-image.

⠀⠀⠀The Social Two mother prides herself on being active until the last moment, emphasizing her
ability to cope with dignity and calm. In reality, there is little contact with her own need for care
and rest, as her threshold for physical pain is quite high and she is also unaware of the stress that
both she and the fetus are accumulating. He does not want to give up any of his other projects
and will only stop if someone external forces him to do so. There may be illusion, but in reality it
is a reflection of what he sees in others, and he doesn’t seem to be very aware of the changes
that the birth of the baby will bring about in his life or the sacrifices that will be required to be
present in education.

⠀⠀⠀At the moment of birth, he may be a bit alert, judging what is happening. He may even want
to lead the medical team. It is as if it is not happening to her, a mere observer of the event. It may
be that she is planning and coordinating with others rather than focusing on the baby or what she
is feeling from a position of just being a mother. The moment of birth can become more of a
scenario.

⠀⠀⠀Social mother E2 intends to go back to work quickly and delegate the daily care, as if that
part that is so “human” does not correspond to her. In reality, and without realizing it, he harbors
a somewhat disconcerting internal feeling of not knowing and that it is too big for him.
⠀⠀⠀In terms of upbringing, there is an imbalance between neglecting aspects such as contact
with the child, taking him to the park or daily care, and overstimulating others, such as the
intellectual part or the creativity in which he can act with his own child, as in other aspects of his
life: the neocortex, to the detriment of the mammalian brain.

⠀⠀⠀You may find it very difficult to see your child as a being that needs care, attention and
presence, with its own rhythm. It seems that there are almost always other priorities, urgencies,
and dispersions before attending to it.

⠀⠀⠀There is an abandonment of the creature to the extent that it wants to continue directing most
of its energy to its professional or personal projects. In many aspects of parenting, she is fickle
and erratic. As for nurturing, she is an ambivalent mother: she can behave in a very refined and
rigid way, or be careless, as an extension of the carelessness she has with herself.

⠀⠀⠀Mothers of this subtype do not play actively. They prefer to use their sense of humor, read
stories, or stimulate with toys that have pedagogical recognition. They are very creative and set
themselves up as resource providers for their active children at opportunities. They can celebrate
the best birthdays, a car socially. In general, they pay more attention to what affects their image,
of which their daughter or son is now a part.

⠀⠀⠀It is practically impossible for them to maintain boundaries in every way. They do not usually
enforce punishments, and if they do, they are practically never enforced. Their dialogical and
permissive style assures them that their children will indeed respect some minimal rules more
implicit than explicit, but with which they feel respected. They are ambiguous and very lax about
the rules at home, although if they express their anger, it will be blunt, brief, and without
consequence.

Or they become rigid and demanding and ask for everything at the same time.

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE

BY DANIELE UNGARO

"From the sublime to the ridiculous there is only one step"

One of the historical characters who most clearly expresses the social Ez character is Napoleon
Bonaparte.

Little Napoleon was born in Corsica, just a few days after his town was defeated by the French.
As a child he hates France and, although later, he will love it deeply, perhaps it will be a
compensation to the humiliation of the Corsicans the fact of conquering it and finally becoming
his emperor.

Napoleon's family belongs to the Corsican aristocracy, although they are not rich. His father is a
lawyer and, at first, he fights against France. However, once conquered he soon adapts to
French customs, Napoleon will never forgive him for his betrayal, he barely talks about him and
thinks that he likes worldly pleasures too much. The fact is that it invalidates him very soon as a
father.

He dies when Apocón aum is a teenager and there he crystalises the idemification with the
father figure, by occupying early the role of pate family, in the interpretation of himself as a
savior of the family group.

His mother, Leticia, is a very peculiar woman, and Napoleon adores her like no one else. It is
hard, cold, ambitious and austere. He is educated by her and, although they do not lack
anything, he teaches her the value of deprivation and effort. Throughout her life, she will be a
severe mother, who always asks for more and from whom she hears no recognition.

This is precisely the guideline of the social Ez relationship with the mother:

Being the depositary of high expectations along with the fact that nothing is enough, so that
approval or recognition is not received and, if it arrives, it is not enough.

When her son is crowned, she will not attend, because of the rivalry she has with Josephine
Beahuarnais, despite the fact that he tries to calm her down when he marries her: "Don't worry,
mother. She doesn't take anything from you or take anything away from you. The day you die
there will only be inferiors for me. So we see a social Ez that replaces the father early and
receives an ambivalent message from the mother: "You are wonderful but it is not enough, in
addition to an affective deprivation on his part.

Faced with the impoverishment of the island, his ambitious parents have moved with all their
children to France in search of new opportunities. Between the ages of nine and fourteen,
Napoleon lives in a boarding school, without visiting his house even once and with a scholarship
that his father has obtained. He feels alone and humiliated, barely speaks French, full of
resentment towards France and too proud to relate to French students, children of aristocrats.

Shomy, reserved and unpopular, he stoicans the taunts of others, idcando how he will be
compensated by the French. But, as a social E2, it will not keep its convictions for a long time.

At the age of fifteen he enters the military academy and begins to develop a deep contempt for
the luxuries and privileges of the

French nobility. A teacher then defines him as lonely, ca-ilado, selfish, proud, ambitious and
someone who will go far in life. Curious by nature, he is interested in history, laws and some
science. Philosophers like Rousseau deeply impress him. Knowing is essential for the social Ez;
intellectual exercise is one of his favourite entertainments.
He knows that he is destined for something big but he still doesn't know how he will achieve it.
Melancholic and with a great feeling of loneliness and non-belonging, he has suicidal ideas that
will appear in moments of crisis throughout his life. It is the Revolution that frees Napo-lion. He
is fascinated by the idea of the end of privileges and hierarchies. He is a man of his time, an
idealist who, as a good social Ez, engages in the processes of transformation (cultural,
educational, political or social) of his time, in addition to a passionate defender of freedom.

After leaving the army, at the age of twenty-three, he returns to Corsica and enters the politics
of the island. He wants to learn from Pasquale Paoli, the governor and hero of Napoleon when
he is a child. But he is disappointed, because Paoli does not trust him, calling him ambitious,
inexperienced and self-centred. At this point, Napoleon is already more attached to France than
to Corsica and is affiliated with Paoli's opposing party. Finally, he condemns the Bonaparte
family to death for treason, so they have to escape.

He returns to France humiliated, disappointed, although more cautious and asturous and, above
all, now he wants to be French. At the age of twenty-four he takes refuge in France with his
widowed mother and his brothers.

Although it is difficult for a social Ez to recognise authority, there is a hidden desire to find one in
which he can trust and surrender, looking for him to protect him, guide him and protect him as
he would have liked it to happen in childhood.

In France the kings have already been passed through the guillotine, Ro-bespierre is in charge
and they are the most terrible years of the Revolution.

Soon, and in the face of the great incompetence around him, Napoleon Makes notice as a
stracega. In a few of them his audacity, capacity of trico and cnergi laman the arenion of the
commands and starts to ha. cerse known. Write a political treatise supporting the ideas ali.

Cales of Rabespier gaos and this inquire to his vileno pat la gura, France is a giver, in addition
to Napoleon, who needs to ocien around him, in addition to the fact that, like any 1st cial, he
knows how to surround himself with influential people.

In 1795, France had Vuchent consirutional sovereion and has

Forgotten the recent horror. Luxuries are back and everyone wants to enjoy peace. Napoleon,
at that time, has scarce economic resources and its appearance betrays it. He is at a standstill
and manifests autolytic ideas again.

But almost at the end of that year he has a blow. Part of the people is preparing a revolt to
restore the monarchy. Casual.

Mind there is no general in Paris that can contain them and Na-poleón, who is considered a
tenacious man and of passionate convictions, seems the best alternative. Napoleon's response
is brutal and he uses all the weapons at his disposal to achieve his objective. As a result, the
attempt ends in a massacre of hundreds of people. This makes him famous in Paris and is
promoted to general commander. When the Ez has a goal and even more so, when he intends
to seek direct recognition, it is when he becomes coldest, most manipulative and strategist.

We constantly see that Napoleon is an expert in seeing and taking advantage of the
opportunities that are appearing and the war makes it easy for him. In this sense, Napoleon
becomes the providential man, the saviour of France, until he identifies with the nation. This
emphasises an essential aspect of this character, pseudo-nerosity. That is, the enormous
sacrifices asked of the Francis people have not been requested to satisfy the ego of the one
who is going to hold power, but because "France asks for it", fulfilling the nocsity of undertaking
idealistic missions that supposedly go more to their personal benefit.

With respect to the patriarchal ego, Napoleon's contribution to the evil of the world can be
summarised as a process of pseudoliberation. Napoleon practises an unauthentic rebellion,
which allows him to be an accomplice in hierarchical power by feeling innocent. Cóm-plice,
because all revolutionary instances are concentrated in his figure, and as a result, his ego hides
a vertical leadership, with the emotional appearance of a horizon-tal direction style. Innocent,
because the subversion of the son with respect to paternal power allows him to feel exonerated
from the responsibility of the same power. The Father shows the way, assumes responsibility
and faces it without fear of not feeling loved. A son who wants to become a Father, without an
authentic process of transformation, deep down is too weak to accept not feeling loved.

With a new demeanor, he meets and falls in love with Josefina, a widowed mother of two
children who, overwhelmed by debts, tries to survive in Paris. With a languid, charming and
funny appearance, she is said to be a good lover. She is a woman of her time who achieves the
trust of Napoleon. But something else arouses his interest in her: She is influential and known in
the circles of Paris, so Napoleon believes that it can be of great help to her. She teaches him
everything he knows about love and fascinates an inexperienced Napoleon.

Josefina doesn't really love him but he needs protection, so she agrees to marry him. For
Napoleon, she will be an important source of support, even when they are away from military
campaigns.

As he anticipated, marrying Josefina helps him to ascend.

Paul Barras, the most influential man at that time in the Republic and former lover of it,
contributes to being appointed supreme commander of the French Army in Italy. He has never
led an army and no one expects much from him... until they know him. A general says, seeing
him: "I don't know why, but this little bastard scares me a lot." The army is malnourished, they
only eat from the pilla-je. Napoleon harangues them to go for glory and riches with him, and
Captivates them with their ardour. They say he is a magnificent actor, capable of smiling or
inspiring fear or fury, which is an excellent portrait of social Ez.

Naturally, fervent adhesions have often been verified in the context of war and power, but rarely
in history has there been such an intense emotional involvement with an individual who did not
have an organised coercive apparatus, as the great totalitarian systems of the twentieth century
will have. Therefore, it could be said that the greater contribution that the Napoleonic epic offers
to the evils of the world is a manipulative dimension of power based on pseudo-relational
aspects such as seduction, flattery, promises of the future or its tone of familiarity with any
person, regardless of their status or condition.

His first campaign is against the Piedmontese, with a much smaller army. He doesn't know
about the war but he does know what he wants to do: win. Thanks to his capacity for strategy
and innovation and, also to his great recklessness, he wins several battles in a few weeks and
ends the Piedmontese Army. An enemy general says of him: "They sent us a madman who
attacked us everywhere; it's an intolerable way of making war."

His army collects for the first time in many years and he directly expresses his gratitude to the
soldiers. The social Ez is always where it is needed and goes to the side of its men in the battle,
exposing itself just like them. Soon he earns his trust and respect thanks to his presence, his
ability to motivate them and his audacity; they feel his own. This is a common way for social Ez
to create horizontal relationships with their subordinates. It is shown in this way to make them
feel equal, and this is one of the most important difficulties for people of this character, since it
does not usually maintain this attitude over time, even less when it awakens the tyrant inside
him, which will easily appear in moments of stress.

Another of its neurotic characteristics is the use it gives to information. He is a marketing

professional, and he knows that it is not enough Win barbells but you have to control what will
be told about them,

Whatever is left for the bistro. Napoleon is a born propagandist.

Owner of several newspapers, he writes History in his own way. One day, Josefina tells him
how well all the periodicals talk about him. "Of course," he replies. After closing thirty.....
Napoleon even closed all the newspapers that did not support him. He liked freedom but not
that others used it, especially without his consent or if it was against him.

The next campaign is against the Austrians. Napoleon did not follow the rules of war known until
then. Probably not because he is a great soldier but because of a mixture of recklessness,
passion, tenacity and that energy that is capable of mobilising a social Ez when he wants
something. He constantly surprises the enemy because he does not follow a tactic, but he also
needs the blind confidence of his men to be able to beat the Austrians.

His leadership ability will be evident in Marengo fighting for a bridge, when he asks his soldiers
for a test of faith in him. The paradox, as Lefebvre well illustrates, is that the beginning of his
vertiginous ascent towards glory, conquest and domination occurs thanks to an extremely
fortunate coincidence. The change towards absolute power is verified thanks to this victory,
which allows you to change a fortune that already seemed definitive, and transform a defeat into
a victory. For other characters, the risk he ran would have caused a more cautious and prudent
behaviour, but the formidable process of idealisation of himself the social Ez is capable of
transforming the crrores into successful planning; the casual facts, into personal merits; and the
risks run, in the confirmation of exceptional endowries.

From that moment, Napoleon will "feel" neurotically, as a kind of false instinct, that everything is
possible for him and that no obstacle will be able to limit his energies, which he believes infinite.
He is convinced Of his good star and that he is destined to achieve great things. As he says to a
friend: "They haven't seen anything yet. At this time no one has the slightest idea of what
greatness is. It's up to me to give you examples.

Is charismaric power the result of a process of inner transformation, the result of the
development of one's own potentialities?

Or is it, instead, a capacity that seeks to influence to dominate: the obsessive propensity to the
success of social E2 can be manifested with the formula of: "It is never enough", coinciding with
the message it has received from the mother: "It is never, nor are you, enough", Each goal
achieved becomes nothing other than the fragile confirmation of being great, winner,
indispensable. But the void is insatiable and demands a high quota of successes, conquests
and amazing yields. This becomes an arrogant, hyper-demanding and ruthless dynamic that
can never be calmed down, if it is not managed to get over.

From this point of view, the lack of meaning of Napoleon's limit is perfectly understandable to
us. According to the strategic analysis of a contemporary expert on the Russian Campaign,
"Napo-lion should have guided his navy in a prudent, methodical and judicious way. But then it
wouldn't have been Napoleon." This comment reveals a very important trap of social Ez: the fact
that such a neurosis is awarded, in many cases, socially, so how to abandon what apparently
gives you so much?

Napoleon has an analytical mind, can attend to several issues at the same time, works seven
days a week more than twelve hours a day, enjoys an almost photographic memory, likes to be
informed of everything, is involved even in minor administrative matters and rarely delegates.
On the other hand, it takes care of its hygiene more than usual at the time, and takes great care
of its aspect Words make him a very attractive man despite his lack of physical beauty.

Josefina was his companion in every way and his great affective and moral support. However,
love and sex is something totally secondary for him. One day, after having spoken with
Josephine on behalf of her lover, she tells a friend: "My lover does not occupy my feelings, it is
simply a matter of power." I didn't understand why Josefina got angry. "She takes things too
seriously, she always thinks that I'm going to stop loving her; she can't understand that love is
not for me." Here you can observe the emotional coldness of the social Ez and the little value it
can give to the feelings of others. That proclamation so vehemently and disconnected of "love is
not for me" how it resonates in this character!

In three years he has managed to conquer almost all of Europe and governs more than seventy
million people. Since the time of the Caesars, no man has had so much power.
The highest point of Napoleon's vital parable was his self-coronation as emperor of the French
in Paris, in December 1804, at the age of thirty-five. Although he invited the Pope to the
ceremony, he refused to be crowned by the Church. According to him, "religion is an excellent
thing to keep ordinary people quiet and so that the poor do not kill the rich." But beyond his
knowledge of the numbing power of religion, he recognised no greater divinity than his own: "To
do everything one is capable of is to be a man; to do everything one would like to be is to be a
God." And he did it.

The coronation as emperor manifests, on the one hand, the maximum of glory to be achieved
for those who aspire to power, and on the other, the maximum expression of their own neurosis
(as well as the conservational subtype is the princess; the sexual, the queen; and the social, the
empe-ratriz). It is an incredible act of arrogance since it is he himself who puts on the crown,
eliminating submission, to something or someone, implicit when it is crowned. So we only have
their own neurosis left.

A second important aspect of Napo's coronation

Icón is the presence of members of his family (with the exception of his mother, who did not
want to be paralysed, mumque Napolcón will force

David that induces her in the comenorrive painting), They don't attend to eat

Intimate sphere of the sovereign, but as direct emissaries of his podc.

In fact, Rodas receive political charges, in something that reproduces their neurotic need to
belong to the group through links based on the power relationship and not on sharing. It is not
allowed to mask the reaffirmation of his go through a false generosity, Although preceded by
other signs, such as the attempt to conquer Spain, the first fall of Napoleon is undoubtedly
related to the campaign of Russia, where Napolcón is "dernasia-do Napoleonic", trying to
conquer a territory so extensive and empty that it is unfathomable, a good metaphor for the
neurosis of the social Ez. In both the case of Spain and Russia, he makes the mistake, typical of
this enneatype, of ignoring that the others love his country as much as he, France.

The titanic feat that Napoleon embarks on when he invades

Russia could only be tackled with a messianic concept of itself. Its rational collaboration, that is,
the analysis of the conditions for and against, of opportunities and threats, does not matter. Like
the blindness of the lover, who sees the loved one only through his positive projections,
Napoleon, madly in love with himself, sees nothing but the grandiose images of his actions. As
Tolstoy writes, "it was not a novelty for him his conviction that his presence in every corner of
the world, from Africa to the steppes of Moscow, would intoxicate people, immersing them in a
crazy forgetfulness of herself."

When he realises that he has done so much for nothing - as well as the very high and
frightening price in human lives - he decides to withdraw. In the end, they manage to return just
a few thousand men from The six hundred thousand. Even so, Napoleon will not express any
ethical doubt; he only wonders how it is possible to have failed. The inability to accept the limits
and the consequent impulse to change, again, what seems to him an unacceptable order of

Things.

After many years of marriage with Joscfina, he does not tick des-descency, which threatens the
stability of his position. Despite continuing to love her, in his own way, and after thinking about it
a lot, he divorces her. Within its tendency to use people, and although at that time it could be
something not so strange, in the case of Napoleon it is characteristic. Someone hears him
exclaim: "I want to marry a uterus," an example of the objectification of social Ez to people.

Napoleon is forty-five years old and is exiled to the island of Elba, near Corsica. The fall, losing
everything, is not something strange in the life of the social Ez but, as he himself said: "My
greatness does not lie in never having fallen, but in having always gotten up." So he
immediately establishes a miniature court in Elba until, about to die of boredom, he decides to
escape.

Louis xviii had ascended the throne and his incomptitude helped him to be received in Paris as
a hero. In reality, it didn't have many possibilities, Europe had united, panicked: "The devil is
back."

To fight him, Waterloo will be definitive.

According to some sources," when the news arrives at the Congress of Vienna about
Napoleon's escape from his exile in Elbe they start to rcir; they find the news so incredible. The
truth, as Lefebvre maintains, is that Napoleon does not resign himself to his condition as an
exile and tries to risk everything in a seemingly hopeless adventure. As in a Greek tragedy, the
nemesis appears. If the battle of Marengo represented the decisive impulse towards an almost
limitless ascension, but determined by casual factors that had nothing to do with it With the
individual merit of the then first consul, the ball of Waterloo that concludes the Napoleonic
epopoy sumes a series of unfortunate coincidences that seem to give the ration to Tolstoy's
interpreation on the determining presence of a providence totally detigned from personal talent.

Again he is exiled, but this time in Santa Elena, a remote and sinister island far from everything.
Living his last years in a wooden house that had been a stable, he complains: "Dying means
nothing, but to die without glory is to die a little every day." And with the pa-labra, which was the
only weapon he had left, he wrote his merorias, to justify his actions and affirm that the only
thing he had wanted.

Create a new world.

He was heard saying that, if Christ had not been crucified, he would not have been God. He
saw Santa Elena as the last stop of his particular Via Crucis. After five years, boredom slamed
him. That and a deep sadness, perhaps, when you find yourself.
Napoleon was, above all, a man with a great presence and an overwhelming intensity, who was
considered invincible. An ambitious in action that only trusted in itself. A tyrant and a
manipulator who, being the most powerful man in France, dreamed of dominating all of Europe
under French laws. He caused several kings to lose their crown and believed that education
would make people free. As the first consul he transformed the country: he created the Lyceos,
the central bank, roads and bridges, and enacted laws that abolished feudal rights and
guaranteed the equality of citizens.

Thanks to its madness, the Rosetta stone was discovered to be able to decide

Napoleon's phrases that reflect the character of Ez sociali

- There is no distance that cannot be covered and no goal that cannot be reached.

- a Ambition never stops, not even at the top of the great

dezax.

You can't go forward when you don't have the strength.

- A leader is a distributor of hope".

- The truest wisdom is a result of determination.

- Impossible' is a word found only in the dictionary of fools".

- "Never interrupt your enemy when he is committing a

- "Great ambition is the passion of a great character. Those endowed with it can perform very
good or very bad acts.

It all depends upon the principles that govern them."

- "True character always appears in the great circums-".

- "We would never undertake anything if we wanted to assure in advance the success of our
enterprise."

- "I can no longer obey. I have tasted command and cannot relinquish it."

- "Success is the most eloquent speaker in the world."

- "Greatness is nothing unless it is enduring.

- "If I had to choose a religion, the Sun as the universal giver of life would be my God."

- "A general must be a chatterbox."

- "A picture is worth a thousand words."

- "Envy is a declaration of inferiority."

JULIO CÉSAR
BY ANA BAZA

He is one of the greatest conquerors in the world and also one of the most notorious genocidals
of all time. He came to power with an elaborate strategy that has become a reference manual
on how to achieve it. He improved the life of his people and they loved him as much as his
enemies feared him. His legacy is immense. Julio Cesar changed the borders and his influence
still remains in the world. He was never called Emperor of Rome but acted as such, to the point
that he is still remembered. We owe him the 365-day calendar, in which his name is included,
so he even changed the time somehow. A friend of his said, on one occasion, that he only
needed to change the stars of place.

He was a great conqueror, persuasive, calculating, intrepid, and also a relentless, self-centred
and disproportionate tyrant. He was a populist leader and a centraliser of power that continues
to influence politics and war. He turned Roman democracy into a dictatorship and, although it
did not last long at the summit, he was the architect of the transformation of the republic into an
empire larger than its ego.

Gaius Julius Caesar was born in Rome around the year 100 BC, in the sordid neighbourhood of
the Suburra. The Rome in which he grows up is not like the one we see in the movies, prolific in
culture, wealth and land; that is the one he will leave as a legacy. The only son of his parents'
marriage, his childhood was spent in an essentially feminine environment, between his mother
and his two sisters. Like all the young nobles and patricians of the time, fear of the gods,
respect for the laws, the rules of decency, modesty and frugality are instilled. His paternal ria,
Julia, also plays a very prominent role in the education and guidance of the young person
Caesar. It is usual to see in the biographies of the social Ez the presence of a "surrogate"
mother.

Growing up in this very depressed area of the city was a disgraceful fall that impressed the
young Julio. He knew the glorious past of his family and his situation affected him deeply.

Esco could have led him to be a depressed and taciturn man.

However, he made the decision to ascend in politics and society to return to the place that
belonged to him. The social Ez is a transformer of your environment. He believes, like the Er,
who knows how things should be and has a reformist spirit. Faced with the misfortune of the
sinking of his house, instead of letting himself fall into an E4, he relies on his passion of pride to
resurface and take revenge for the humiliations received.

Descendant of the famous Julia family, of modest economic conditions although of aristocratic
origin, he is a relative of some of the most influential men of his time. The historian Tacitus
compares his mother to Cornelia, mother of the Gracos, based on her intelligence, the purity of
her customs and the nobility of her character.' The thing is that his father participates in the civil
war on the side of the losers, so they are stripped of part of their power and influence.

Like Napoleon, Julius Caesar comes from a family with a certain prestige but that has lost
status, something that lives as a shame or humiliation and at the same time serves as an
engine to overcome failure. In the same way, he soon loses his father, and his mother exerts a
great influence both on his education and on the high ambition that will soon be highlighted.

At sixteen years old he is the head of the family but, without money and dishonoured, the only
way to regain his honour is to join the Army. To achieve glory, in Roman society, you need to
stand out on the battlefield. So, at the age of nineteen It is part of different campaigns, where it
will be seen face to face with br dies. He begins as a soldier and over the course of a decade,
he begins to ascend in the chain of command. What makes him different is that he throws
himself into battle but truths, assuming a high ies.

Go personal. l Ez social does not see the possible consequences or com-temple the adverse
aspects of reality when it is blinded by a goal. There is a competitiveness even with oneself, and
the drive to challenge death is enormous, whether in a war, or with excesses or lack of care.

Rome becomes the first power of the Mediterranean, expanding its territory drastically thanks, in
part, to the two million slaves who are building roads through which to access the new
territories, until Spartacus appears, who intends to free the slaves and take revenge on Rome.
When the rebel is at the gates of Rome, Crassus leads the army and Julius Caesar takes the
opportunity to demonstrate his strategic and decisive capacity, suggesting how to take the
offensive and overthrow Spartacus. He knows that if his plan fails Rome will be destroyed but
he trusts himself. He assumes it not so much to reach power, but to defend everything he loves.
After a last massacre they manage to defeat the slaves and Crassus decides to crucify six
thousand survivors. This is criticised by César, who sees it more effective to take advantage of
cities and cannon fodder in battles as labour.

It is curious the parallelism with Napoleon, who also takes advantage of a decisive moment
during an uprising in the middle of Paris, to propose a strategy that achieves the goal and
facilitates his promotion and the consideration of his superiors. We also observe how in
Caesar's mind the possibility of monetising slaves is quickly drawn, not by an act of generosity
or benevolence, but by pure practicality.

He moves to Asia to fight in Mytilene. He practises the legal profession for a while, making
himself known for his careful oratory, aspect Recurring in the social Ez, which is capable of
bringing together and burning masses by seducing them with a careful language, loaded with
images and adapted to each audience. In 73 BC, he succeeded his uncle Gaius Aurelius Cota
as pontiff. And three years later, in 70 BC, Caesar was appointed caestor in Hispania and
mayor in Rome. In the following years it continues to ascend. He is elected praetror urbanus,
and pontifes maxi-mus, at the death of Sila, with which he accesses a religious organism of
great scale in the pious life of Rome.
Despite this success, César decides to travel to Rhodes to expand his training, studying
philosophy and rhetoric with Molón, considered the best grammarian of his time. The social Ez
likes to go to people of reference or recognised in their field, being sibaritas and elitist in
everything they consume.

However, he does not achieve his purpose since he is kidnapped by pirates in Pharmacusa.
When they demand a ransom for him of twenty talents, he laughs and challenges them to ask
for fifty. César shows in this episode his ability to stay serene, his insolence and his ease of
being unbearable. While they wait, he composes speeches that makes pirates hear, whom he
treats as ignorant and barbarians when they do not applaud, before which he threatens them.
The bragging and excess of self-confidence appear here: The social Ez is so convinced that
what he says is sublime that he does not manage to understand that someone does not
appreciate it. Thirty-eight days later, the rescue arrives and the first thing he does is organise a
fleet to capture the pirates, whom he orders to be crucified. In a gesture of "com-passion," it
allows them to be shoundled first." The social Ez calls justice to the necessary revenge that will
come, more or less explicitly, when it is damaged, humiliated or offended. In his gesture towards
pirates you can see the magnanimity he offers to his enemies.

Rome has no emperor or king, but is governed by a Senate and a consul, who is the one who
leads the Armed Forces and holds the most power. In struggle for the position are Crassus and
Pompey, who both attribute the defeat of Spartacus. César loses the ability to take the glory but
is happy to return home with his wife Cordelia and his only daughter, Julia.

Another cause of disagreement is that Pompey intends to distribute land among the soldiers to
reward their effort and loyalty, but Crassus does not agree and the Senate takes his side.

César sees that this situation is not favourable to him and that he is in the middle of an endless
dispure that makes life stop in Rome, as well as its development. He doesn't want it to happen
to him like his father, and he begins to devise how not to see himself on the wrong side. The
social Ez tends to prioritise negotiation to direct confrontation, preferring transformation to
rupture. To do this, he will manipulate, seduce and look for a way to resolve the conflict always
in favour of his interests.

He is thirty years old when his wife Cornelia dies. Shortly after, César loses his aunt Julia, to
whom he had felt very attached. Against the customs of the time, he organises both funerals
publicly and, to challenge Sila, his enemy, exhibits in the burial images of his relatives who had
been considered outlawed. This challenge was highly appreciated by the plebeians.

Here you can appreciate the rebellion and the transgression of the limits that the social Ez
carries out with innocent arrogance, despite the cra-diciones or legal imperatives, attracting to
him the sympathy of the disadvantaged and attributing the Defence of just causes without
anyone requiring it.
Crassus and Pompey are still in their positions and Caesar needs his support and money since
he still does not have wealth. De mode that devises a plan that, even if it seems impossible, will
be brilliant.

If it fails, I will lose everything, but if it has exio it will be the oporunity of

His life to ascend in the Republic. It gathers both of them and sattes them, Offering them a
solution: If they support him to be a consul, they will exercise power in the shadow. Corruption
and lack of scruples are evident. To earn Pompey's trust, Caesar offers him the hand of his
daughter Julia. Although it could be a custom of the time, César does not show any looks when
it comes to achieving his objectives. Finally, in 59 BC he was elected consul, forming with
Crassus and Pompey the so-called First Triumvirate.

It achieves the approval of some laws. One of them reaffirms the Army's loyalty to Caesar: its
agrarian law regulates the distribution of land among veteran soldiers. However, the approval of
these laws is not simple; the Senate does not support many of them, so, under the pressure,
Caesar solves it by using thugs to intimidate senators who oppose his proposals, and arguing
that whoever does not support his initiatives does not serve Rome. He imposes himself like this,
but his image changes and he begins to be seen as such an ambitious man that he will not give
up any method in order to get what he wants.

Social Ez can incur falsehoods, traps, masking and even unethical behaviours in order to
achieve its objectives: although internally it will erase it or reinterpret it, so that it is justified. The
phrase is applicable to him: "The end justifies the means." On the other hand, and although
apparently it may seem that he does it to protect the group, and surely it is partly true, it is also
true that his ultimate interest is to have control, exercise power and take glory.

César increases his fortune; he becomes a powerful and extravagant man, famous for the
parties he organises; his motto is:

"Carpe diem." In one of these celebrations he meets Servilia, who will be his lover for years.
She is intelligent, as much or more ambitious than him, and maintains many and varied contacts
with the powerful of the time, something that César will know how to take advantage of.
Throughout his life he will be his ally but always in favour of his own interests and those of his
son Brutus. Even in the couple relationships of the social Ez there are In incert added and a
uilisation of another; although in which case it is reciprocal.

In addition to conquering territories, Caesar is insatiable when it comes to sex. He has up to four
wives and, being young, re attributes to him a relationship with Nicomedes, king of Turkey It is
not ex-traño, at the time, to have relations with people of both sexes, and Caesar does so. Nor
does he exclude women from his colleagues in the Senate and the aristocras, something that
has many enmities and suspicions for him.

César begins to become unpopular in the Senate, so his two allies decide to dismiss him as
consul. He despairs, since he thinks that being a consul was the first step and not the last. It
occurs to him to undertake a new campaign: He will go to the provinces to conquer more
territories and achieve a new victory, which will save his political career. He decides to go to
Gaul, which is considered an amenzza for Rome; if he manages to conquer it, he will be seen
as a hero. This maneuver, however, is not approved by the Senate, so if it fails he will be
considered a traitor and sentenced to death. But just fantasizing what image he will project on
the public if he succeeds is enough engine to mobilise a social Ez to start any project.

It is common to see one or more failures in the history of the Social Two, but also a resurgence
originated in his determination and high self-confidence. Many of the projects he initiates may
seem the result only of a fantasy of greatness, but it is not surprising that the social Ez makes
them a reality, something that confirms his sense of omnipotence. At the same time we see
again the rebellion and audacity of Caesar to skip the rule, which highlights his ambition. Neither
the Senate, nor the laws nor the eventuality of his own death will stop him.

He is appointed proconsul of Gaul, where he is aggressive that he subdues almost all the Celtic
peoples. Cosar is, above all, a strategist and will know how to use his advances as one of the
first forms of propaganda. When he begins to conquer territories Sends letters to Rome, written
in the third person to make them seem more objective and neutral. They are designed for the
people to read and their fame to thrive, seeing them as a hero who conquers new worlds.
Encouraged by their exploits, other soldiers ask to join their troops. One of them will be Marco
Antonio, who is starting his military career and who will soon get the recognition of Caesar.

The social image is fundamental for a social Ez, and in this case César, surprisingly, becomes
his own war correspondent. This allows him to psychologically influence the people and become
present, loved and admired as a hero, keeping himself in the public eye with the writings about
his feats, despite being thousands of kilometres away. Napoleon did the same; the surprising
thing is that Julius Caesar lives almost two millennia before, so it is absolutely innovative and
creative.

Its domains are extending through France, Belgium, the Netherlands and part of Germany. He
was the first Roman general to penetrate the unexplored territories of Britain and Germania.

Again, you can glimpse a type of leadership that is not only established in the achievement of
common objectives but also in how to get them to support you. In Caesar's case, the loyalty of
his men, who will follow him to the ends of the Earth, is unquestionable.

In Rome, Crassus and Pompey begin to worry about the fame and fortune he treasures and
regret having sent him there. Now he has become more powerful and influential than them.

Crassus goes out to look for fame in the Middle East but what he will find there will be death for
his greed. Pompey takes advantage of the situation and is appointed consul of Rome, a
movement that ends the triumvirate.

In the war conea Larenta milhombrelumbrar the cruciad of Julio Cosar. Massacre forty thousand
men, women and children in the decisive baralla of Aliamomento dee a million, for the duration
of the war.) When, at a certain moment, Vereingétorix lets twenty thousand women and children
leave the fortress, Caesar is merciless and lets them die of starvation. He has been in Calia for
six years and is now facing Vercingétorix in Alesia, who has managed to unite the Gallic tribes
almost to codas. In this battle, César plays everything in one card. If he succeeds, he will be the
greatest conqueror in the eyes of the Romans.

Vercingetorix has to surrender, asks him for mercy for his men and gives his sword. César will
hold him prisoner for five years, to end up strangling him while exhibiting him through the streets
of Rome. Caesar has won more than a battle; he has conquered all of Gaul. This victory makes
Rome expand its borders until it reaches the Atlantic Ocean, so that they own what we know
today as Europe. César only wants to return to Rome to be acclaimed and regain power without
opposition. In an apparent hypergenerosity, he sends gold and treasures for the Roman people
to celebrate their triumph: Banquets, gladiator fights and celebrations captivate the Romans and
make Caesar the most popular and strong man in Rome.

There are hardly any sculptures of Julius Caesar made in life, probably because they were
destroyed after their fall but, considering their character, what kind of image would he want to
convey of himself? In the light of one of the few recovered busts, he did not seem to pretend to
look beautiful or youthful. It shows maturity, concern and the frustrated cessation, as if wanting
to make it see how much he works for Rome and for the people, and how very important it is
that is what is tracked in the hands.

His face coined in the coins at the time must have been shocking, since it was only done with a
few dead kings. Cesas, like E2 social, is a pioneer, and also in this: He was the first in the West
who put his face on money, and so on in any Economic transaction was present. For the
powerful, he had to be arrogant; but the people loved Caesar's gestures because he made them
think that he was a contestant on the margins of the Roman elite.

César's shows were the greatest. On one occasion he held a banquet with twenty-two thousand
tables, with exquisite and expensive fish, which made him especially generous in the eyes of
the people.

César knew how to take advantage of these splendours to be loved (or tame the beasts).

It seems that he was vain in terms of his image. For example, at that time baldness was not well
seen and César did everything possible so that it was not noticed, including putting on the laurel
crown that, in addition to being a symbol of power, disguised his scarce hair.

Pompey sees all this popularity as a threat, since Caesar is more influential than the Senate
itself, so he decides to get rid of him by vilified him. He asks to be captured and processed.

Other senators, who also fear that he is becoming too powerful, support him. Among them is
Brutus. Son of Servilia, he has grown up admiring César, but his mother, who thinks of nothing
but his own benefit, encourages him to face his lover, believing that Pompey's is the winning
side.

Julia, Caesar's only daughter and heiress, dies when giving birth. This fact leaves him alone in
the world and before the decision to accept the insults and the condemnation of the Senate or
enter Rome with his troops. He decides to risk it, again, everything and in January 49 BC he
crosses the Rubi-con, the border between Gaul and Italy, initiating a civil war. He was not going
to allow them to give him orders or take away everything he considered his. Crossing the
Rubicón is the definitive moment of César's career; there is no turning back.

A social Ez, either leaves the family on the sidelines or does not have it. This loneliness allows
him to delve into his obsessive ambition without interference or emotional bonds to maintain.
César will only care about the family, later, in order to leave his legacy to a successor.

That is a decisive moment for him, since he faces the political dase to definitively take power.
The social Ez ur-pa the role of father in the family of origin and that transfers it to other
relationships with auroraity and power. The fact is so decisive that it has given rise to a phrase
made. "Cross the Rubicon" say take a high risk and pass the point of no return'. These daring
are common in this character, who risks to limits that can lead to hard and painful failures. "Alea
iacta est," César exclaimed at that crucial moment ("Luck is cast). Another recognisable aspect
in the social Ez is that he trusts in his luck; something he achieves by stopping thinking and
allowing the emotion of the moment to drag him.

The Senate is frightened and is about to give up, but Pompey proposes to leave Rome, leaving
the city without government, to gather his armies in Greece. The plan is to gather the troops that
are scattered around Asia to fight those of Caesar, who have been loyal to him for years. The
city goes into chaos. Pompey wants Caesar to go there but he goes ahead of him and goes
after him to prevent him from uniting his armies. To do this, he forces his troops, which are 300
km ahead, with his inexhaustible force of energy.

Pompey escapes them but Caesar does not give up and pressures his soldiers to build a fleet.
Despite his numerical disadvantage, César has more experience and skill since he has been
leading his troops for years. The old friends meet to try to reach an agreement, which happens
because César surrenders and is judged. At that time Marco Antonio has managed to reach the
Greek coast and increase Caesar's troops, which changes the situation. The winner will be
considered the greatest general of Rome and will lead the one who is called to be the most
powerful empire in the world.

We can clearly see one of the characteristics of the leadership exercised by the social Ez in
Caesar's relationship with his army, simi-

Be the side of Napoleon with yours: the absolute loyalty of his men.

They felt that he was one of them. He ate, slept, raped and killed Like them. He assumed the
same risks; to make them feel important. Habitually next to the winner, they were delighted to
be participants in their victories. His trust and surrender to Caesar was, therefore, unseeable.
The social Ez manages to focus on the person and transmit an inclusive vision, so that its
followers feel part of something bigger. In return, he asks for absolute loyalty and blind trust in
his purposes.
Pompey flees to Alexandria in the face of his defeat and Brutus is captured. César orders his
men that no one should hurt him, considers him as a son and wants him on his side. In addition,
in this way he protects at the same time the interests of Servilia and his own, since he is
interested in Brutus, belonging to the Roman nobility, supporting him.

Caesar used Marco Antonio to Rome to control the city. He is, above all, a soldier, and does not
trust anyone else. He leaves after Pompey heading for Egypt, one of the richest regions of the
entire Mediterranean, and faithful to Rome.

Prolomeus is the Pharaoh child who governs a fragmented and rebellious Egypt. He should
have co-governed with his sister Cleopatra, but they are at war. Pompey urges Ptolomcho to
support him but he did not just convince him and, when Caesar appears, the Egyptian king
gives him Pompey's severed head as a present.

César is scandalised by this fact and repudiates it, seeing it as an unworthy and degrading
destiny. When Proloneo wants to collect his debt, Caesar refuses and is arrested until he
changes his mind.

For a social Ez, victory has to be clear, recognised and that seems as altruistic as possible. Not
only is he proud but also intends to face men worthy of him, which magnifies his feat.
Prolomeo's act seems humiliating not only for Pompey himself, whom he admires as an enemy,
but also for him because it prevents his victory from being seen with honour.

Rome is without a government and there is a shortage of food. With more than a million
inhabitants, no provisions are arriving and there is no Administration in a position to regulate the
city. Mark Antony It is a good soldier but a pimo regare, It lacks the ambition and the capacity
necessary to govern the capital. He is not capable of

Contain the pucblo and it is only cure to attack the civilians to restrain.

Them. Rome is an unprecedented chaos.

Upon his return, César reproached Marco Antonio for the treatment he has given to the people
and the ineptitude in his absence. It had to be a great disappointment since the social Ez sees
as an extension of itself to its collaborators, although it knows how to apologise for mistakes and
regain trust to those who show loyalty and obedience.

In Egypt, Caesar is still confined and without the possibility of escaping, until a woman enters
the scene who every time she appears in her life will take a turn: Clcopatra. Another social Ez.
Well, although it might seem sexual, everything he does responds to his desire for power. She
is an intellectual, a very ambitious woman who is more than motivated to hold power. Allied with
Caesar, he believes to strengthen his position in the war against his brother Ptolemy. So both
are used; it is a relationship of interest, both thinking that the other is a safe bet.

In 47 BC, Caesar takes, from the hand of Cleopatra, the city of Alexandria and she takes power.
The Roman, impressed by the ambition and charisma of this woman, wants to stay in Egypt.
She also tries to convince him that it is next to him where he can be a true king. But in Rome the
conflicts continue over Marco Antonio's ineptitude, so he finally has to leave to solve the trouble
himself. The social Ez only delegates if he does not see another option, and most of the time he
is disappointed when he does so, which reaffirms his idea that only he can do things properly.

Julius Caesar is about fifty years old; almost an old man for the time. His health is deteriorating,
his indiscriminate sexual relations cause him diseases, he usually causes headaches, fainting
and, although no one knows it except Marco Antonio and some of his generals, he suffers from
epilepsy, which at that time sKnown as the "disease of the gods" or "of the fall". This makes you
see that you can't have everything under control and it's not invincible.

Despite the fact that his disease is increasingly present, due to the stress he suffers, the
unprecedented power he now holds drives him to achieve a stronger and more united Rome.
He has restored order in the Senate and in the city and his next step will be to turn the republic
into what he has dreamed of being Rome, an empire.

The concealment of the disease is a characteristic of this subtype, which endures until it gets so
much worse that it has no choice but to go to the doctor or give himself some kind of care. It is
symbolic that Caesar's disease is called the disease of "the fall", as if nothing could overthrow
this character except the body itself. As for the "disease of the gods" it does, obviously, nothing
more than abound in Caesar's magnification.

Twelve years have passed since he left Rome and has returned to try to recover the favour of
the people, despite how Marco Antonio has treated him. Now he has to reorganise a
government that has turned against him. The senators are waiting for him to take revenge on
them by ordering them to kill. To everyone's surprise, César launches a new strategy by
showing himself magnanimous, and perhaps somewhat in-genuous. But it's just that, a strategy,
supported by their own narcissism: amnesty them all and forgive them despite their betrayal.

It is characteristic of the Ez to show himself, in the face of the error of the other, from
condescending to magnanimous. It is the kind of mercy that only those who feel powerful can
offer.

By forgiving their lives, you will be able to strengthen their alliances and their cause, but
forgiveness comes with a price. César proclaims himself a dictator for ten years. It is a position
of absolute authority, which was only acceptable to the Romans in case of emergency and for
six months. Now he is untouchable and holds the entirety of power, something that attacks in
itself against what the Republic and its Constitution represent.

It is not the first time we have observed in César's biography, as well as in the people of his
character, who tempt so much to luck See how far you can go. Below there is a desco, hidden
incla-

So himself, that someone de-ends his career without end.

Coesar knows what to do, a social E2 always knows it, and now no one will be an interference.
The first thing he does is ga-nase the people, about to die of starvation. He gives them grain
and organises some juices like no one has ever seen, starting their use as a way to condition
popular opinion. The apany circus is born," as a way to placate complaints. Caesar finally
achieves what he had always longed for: the love of the Roman people, who see him as a
magnanimous leader.

As a good social Ez, his actions are oriented both to the confirmation of his own magnified
image and to satisfy the needs of the group, so that he presents himself as the only one who
understands them, loves them and can solve their problems.

He is the first to use skills that seem innate in this character, and that is that he knows how to
put marketing at his service. He intuits the needs of the group and, at the same time, how to
reach their hearts through an emotional speech, loaded with fantastic ideas and suggestive
images; all this transmitted with passion and an intensity, fruit of its vital force, which seduces
and envelops its audience.

The Senate accepts its conditions but it needs more allies, so it tries to put on its side the
youngest, among which is Brutus. César tries to attract him and gives him a preferential
treatment, not only because of the relationship with his mother and with him in other times but,
more importantly, because he can use him in his favour. Bruco is a man respected by the
Senate and represents the most traditional values of the Republic; at the same time, the young
man feels indebted for his betrayal. César flatters him with his confidence and appoints him
governor; little by little he will see him as a substitute son. The social Ez always has a hidden
interest in their relationships.

Then begins a series of reforms that will change the city and the government. Many of Ronna's
habicants didn't have To alleviate this situation, Caesar orders the construction of temples,
libraries or a port; he wants to benefit the people in addition to the nobles. Due to the chaos due
to an inaccurate calendar that cyclically wreaked problems for them, it implants, as we said, a
new one, based on the solar year, that will be applied to the entire empire and has lasted to this
day. Another innovative, unexpected and radical aspect will be to grant Roman citizenship to the
peoples of Gaul. It tries to avoid an uprising, but it is also a sign of a broader look at the
conquered territories.

The Senate receives this proposal as an attack on Rome, but it is really a very cunning strategy
to keep the Gauls under control.

He is a visionary, a mixture of idealistic and boastful, who sometimes achieves the impossible.
Everything in it is pure strategy, aimed at controlling and managing the threads, enriching
himself and increasing his glory.

But at the same time he is a revolutionary, a patriarch who delights in pleasing his children and
increasing common well-being.
A tyrant disguised as a lamb, who wants to dominate other peoples and, at the same time, to be
accepted and loved.

Something sudden will alter and change Caesar's destiny again: the surprise arrival in Rome of
Cleopatra, with Caesarion, the son of both. This will strengthen Caesar's dreams of creating a
dynasty, ruin Brutus' hope of being his successor and it will be his death sentence.

The social Ez also idealises itself in its goals. It is inexhaustible and does not know how to stop,
exceeding the limit of its forces and what is acceptable to the system. This passionate career
translates, inevitably, into increasingly delusional ambitions.

In 45 BC, Julius Caesar begins to fantasise about the possibility that Rome will be governed by
a single family, his own. The delirium of greatness is already unfathomable and unstoppable. He
begins to make statues in his honour, which he places next to those of the gods, builds
buildings in the name of his family, begins to wear a purple robe, Formerly destined for kings,
and declares an official holiday on his birthday; everything he does has arrogance and
endeeding. The Senate is scandalised when it tries to proclaim itself a dictator in perpetuity.

That's when some senators begin to plot how to end him. César, in an action as desperate as it
is bold: he decides to conquer Partia. A new victory would not only bring tributes to the Roman
people, but would also satiate their need to conquer. His war project provokes a reaction, fast
and con-tundent. Fearful that he will triumph and succeed in being crowned king of Rome, they
conspire about how to end him.

A few days before his departure begins, he is summoned to a meeting. They wait for César to
enter the Senate where, suddenly, several friends and colleagues surround him, giving him
twenty-three stabbings. Among his murderers is Brutus. Shakespeare's famous phrase of
Caesar who, seeing it, exclaims: "You too, Brutus?"

Rome is shocked. The people mourn him and come to him from his murderers. The situation
gets out of control in the city and two sides appear, that of Marco Antonio and that of Brutus.
The latter is defeated and takes his own life on the battlefield. Mark Antony flees to Egypt and
marries Cleopatra, with whom he will commit suicide a little later. Caesarion will be killed at the
age of seventeen. With Caesar's death and after years of violence Octavio, his nephew,
becomes the first emperor of Rome for forty years.

Caesar, finally, achieved his purpose of overthrowing the Republic and establishing the Caesar
dynasty.

This architect of the modern world, obsessed with power and domination, did not take into
account that, perhaps, his dream is not shared by everyone. That his changes were going at a
too fast pace for some and that his good intentions were more the result of his personal
ambition than of the ideal that he sold himself. But after him, nothing was the same as before.

Phrases of Julius Caesar that reflect the social Ez character:

- "I'd rather be first in a village than second in Rome."

- "It's only arrogance if I fail."

- "Let me run and I'll fight things that everyone thinks are impossible."

- "If I fail it is simply because I have too much pride and ambition."

- "As a rule, men easily believe what they desire."

- "I came, I saw and I conquered."

- "If you have to break the law, do it to take power. If not, observe it."

- "Men tend to believe what suits them."

- "It is the law of war for the victors to treat the vanquished to their

- "Cowards agonize many times before they die..... The cowards often die before they die... The
cowards are not even aware of their death."

- "Nothing is so difficult that strength cannot achieve."

10

A LITERARY EXAMPLE

Lucien Rubempré

From Lost Illusions, by Honoré de Balzac

Lost Illusions is a novel by Honoré de Balzac, published in three parts between 1837 and 1843.
Balzac deals with a subject intimately related to his own direct experience: his difficult
relationship with the bourgeois society of the time. Between autobiography and sociological
research, halfway between philosophy and the analysis of passions, a mixture of realism and
visionary imagination, he recounts the vicissitudes of Lucien, a provincial poet with great literary
ambitions.

Description

The "lost illusions" are those of Lucien, a young man facing the difficulties of his self-affirmation
as he faces the literary world in search of a future. And they are also the family's lost illusions
about Lucien.

Lucien is recognized for his beauty and talent, but he is a young man without will. He is
indolenc, weak, selfish and unconscious. Witness of his time, he lacks will and is unable to cope
with the ornamental and ruthless Parisian society of fun and appearances.
He is a witness of his time, lacks the will and is unable to cope with the ornamental and ruthless
Parisian society of fun and appearances.

The aspiring writer, in constant search of love and happiness, is a romantic unable to see the
shadow in people and society and participates unwittingly, as a propitiatory victim, in the ante of
oppression. The book gives an account of his existential failure, of illusions destined to shatter,
of the weaknesses of a provincial man who is an anti-hero. Lucien's disillusions are aggravated
by two mirrors, two virtuous circles: the family and the cenacle of truly great men, the
intellectuals of the time to which Lucien belongs, at least in the first period of his life.

Plot of the novel

Introduced in the high society of Angoulême, Lucien, with his grace and affability, immediately
manages to conquer everyone. Men and women are fascinated by his beauty and talent. Still
young, he leaves for Paris with his mentor, an old married woman, to conquer success. This
platonic love is the beginning of many of the illusions that Lucien will lose. When he arrives in
the capital, he tries to publish his poetry but without success, so he withdraws into journalism.

The young duke noticed in Lucien the symptoms of a deep medica-tion, and he was not
mistaken when he guessed its cause. He had revealed to that ambitious person, lacking in a
constant will, but not in desires, the political horizon in the same way that the journalists had
shown him from the top of the Temple, as the devil did to Jesis, the literary world and its riches.

Lucien meets D'Arthez, a liberal philosopher who introduces him to the cenacle, composed of
young people with different political ideas, occupations and social backgrounds, but who shared
a close friendship and were devoted to an ascetic life in the service of art or science.

Lucien attends the cenacle for a while, but he is too impatient to compose a great literary work,
and what he aspires to is to have money, to redeem himself for his family. Above all, he aspires
to easy success. He wants glory, to feel like a hero and, caught up in the whirlwind of the good
life, he forgets all ethical principles and falls into the nets of competitiveness.

It should be noted that certain temperaments that are truly poetic, but of weak will, occupied
with feeling in order to express their sensations in images, essentially lack the moral sense that
should accompany all observation. Poets prefer to receive their own impressions rather than to
penetrate into those of others in order to study the mechanism of feelings.

His soul, his heart and his mind had also undergone a meta-morphosis: he no longer thought of
discussing the means in view of so many results.

He understands that "the press and intelligence were, therefore, the means of today's society".+
He enters journalism and becomes convinced that he is capable of moving in this interesting
and remunerative world, following a much easier path than the poet's. He grows in this world, in
the competitive procedures that characterize it, in the strategic ways of weaving relationships.
He grows in this world, in the competitive procedures that characterize it, in the strategic ways
of weaving relationships. He sees in all this the possibility of standing out for his intelligence and
his supposed astuteness.

His great ambition to make money and go down in history will lead him to ruin.

Let's look at this conversation with his editor:

-Yes," replied Dauriat, "I have already read your article. il in your own ine-rós, of course, I reject
The Daisies! Yes, sir, I will have given you more money in six months for the articles I will be
asking you for than for your unsaleable poetry!

-And the glory? - exclaimed Lucien.

He feels he is the architect and protagonist, when he is nothing more than a pawn of the
system. Lucien begins to sign his articles with the pseudonym Rubempré (the aristocratic name
of his mother), nurturing a deep desire to acquire a title of nobility.

The awareness of his power and strength transcended his physiognomy illuminated by love and
experience. At last she could contemplate the literary world and high society face to face,
believing that she could

to move through them with the airs of a dominator. He falls in love with a young actress named
Coralie and begins to lead a luxurious life. His ambition leads him to become interested in
politics and he changes from the liberal newspaper where he used to write to a proudly royalist
one.

Lucien refused to think about tomorrow. He saw, on the other hand, that his supposed friends
also behaved in the same way, and they supported themselves thanks to lucrative pamphlets
from the publishers and to the retributions for certain articles necessary to support risky
operations, taking everything for themselves and disregarding the future.

Once admitted into the world of journalism and literature on an equal footing, Lucien realized the
enormous difficulties he would have to overcome in order to rise: although everyone agreed to
be his equal, no one wanted him above him. Thus, little by little, he ended up renouncing literary
glory, believing it easier to achieve political success?

Sensitive to flattery, Lucien changed sides and began to write articles defending the
government. His desire is to regain the noble title of Rubempré, which had belonged to his
mother.

The Countess de Montcorner flatters him while she informs him of the rules of the game:

-She has been told that you are as handsome as you are intelligent and she is dying to meet
you.
[...]

But there is only one man in a thousand who has so much talent and such an astonishing
capacity for adaptation.

Louise wanted to obtain from the king a royal warrant allowing her to bear the name and title of
Rubempré. She wanted to bury the Chardon.

[...] Perhaps you will dismiss these ideas as visions and fantasies, but we know a little about life
and we know what a count's title carried by an elegant and charming young man is worth. Try if
not to announce here, in front of some young English millionaire or in front of some heiress:
"Monsieur Chardon", or Mr. Count of Rubemprés, and you will see the difference. The reactions
would be very different. Even if he were in debt, the count would find hearts open, and his
beauty would be enhanced like a diamond on a rich purse.

The competitive and sycophantic world of journalism quickly understands how sensitive Lucien
is to compliments, and falsely praises him for his strategic gifts, comparing his conquest skills to
those of Napoleon, in order to instrumentalize him economically and politically.

Our friend," Finot continued, patting Lucien's hand, "has had a brilliant career in this respect. A

to tell the truth, Lucien is more golden, warmer and more inefficient than all those who envy him.

He is more golden, warmer and more ineffectual than all those who envy him, and moreover, he
is a stunning beauty; his former friends do not forgive him for his successes and say that they
are the result of luck.

This kind of luck never smiles on fools or the inept," said Des Lupeaulx.

Des Lupeaulx, "Can one call Bonapar-te's fate luck? There were twenty chief gencrals ahead of
him to command the armies of Italy, as there are a hundred young men who at this moment qui-
sicran catrar in the house of Mademoiselle des Touches?

Lucien falls into the trap set for him by his fellow journalists and soon manifests all the character
traits of the naive am-bitious; among them, false modesty.

-Are you free? -Michel asked.

-As much as one can be when it is indispensable," answered Lucien with false modesty.

Lucien with false modesty. "°

Convinced that he is indispensable as a journalist, he digs his grave.

The poet was convinced, and rightly so, that his beauty and intelligence would be enhanced by
the name and title of Count de Rubempré. Madame d'Espard, Madame de Bargeton and
Madame de Montcornet held him by this thread like a child clinging by the wings to an abcjorto.
Lucien flew only within a certain circle".

The fall of Lucien and his illusions is accelerated by naivety coupled with a fatalistic view of life.
The change of flag is today to a known opciodico di perence, Sur

new colleagues do not support him.

Very soon Lucien finds himself completely discredited in the milieu, penniless, and is the
disgrace of his family.

Lucien believed in his future by trusting in these profound axioms of Blonder: "In the end
everything works out". "He who has nothing loses nothing."

"We have nothing to lose but the stroke of fortune we hope for."

"He who goes with the flow always gets somewhere."

"An intelligent man, who enters the great world, makes his fortune when he wants to. "12

Lucien goes downhill: his companion dies, he runs out of money and loses the esteem of his
colleagues in the cenacle, liberal journalists and those of the government. He went through
several regrets, alternating with new illusions created in an attempt to make up for the
disappointments. He returns to Angoulême, where he meets his family, has repeated regrets,
and plans suicide.

When his friend D'Arthez writes to Ève, Lu-cien's sister, to hear from him, she tells him:

He lacks the will and the strength to resist the temptations of pleasure and the satisfaction of the
smallest ambitions. Lazy like all poets, he thinks he is clever because he avoids difficulties
instead of overcoming them. Today he may have courage, tomorrow he may be a villain. So it is
impossible to praise him for his courage, nor to scold him for his cowardice. Lucien is a harp
whose strings tighten and give way according to the variations of the atmosphere. He is capable
of writing a good book in a moment of rage or happiness, and of being insensitive to success
after having wanted it so much."

D'Arthez recognizes Lucien's world as a construction of his mind: illusions, disillusions and
regrets.

-Considero d arrepentinieno perisdico wn&.gTan hipoaresia 一tio D'Arthez solemnly-;

repentance in such cases is but a reward granted to wrongdoing. Repentance is a virginity
which our soul must offer to God: a man who repents twice is thus a despicable sychophant.
Much I fear that it is only a form of discharge of conscience. "

Truman Capote

Cloak
Director: Bennett Miller

Year: 2005

As a good social Ez, we can observe a man with a neat, elegant, modern and somewhat casual
appearance. He looks straight ahead and looks at those who listen to him. We meet him at a
party, surrounded by his court, in an open, intellectual and avant-garde atmosphere. It is
inevitable to see the resemblance with Oscar Wilde, although in different times.

With his varied conversation, his conversations and his quick-witted, acid humor, he is the
center of attention. Wildly honest with what he says, he is at the same time so approachable
and joking that one feels privileged to be among his circle of friends. Here are his credentials: "I
am honest when it comes to what I write. If it's autobiographical or has to do with me, I'm not.
The truth at this point in my life I consider the autobiographical novel really boring."

He suddenly switches to another topic and you can see how direct his comments:

I had lunch the other day with J. B. and he told me the plot of his new book: "I just want to make
sure it's not a pro-blematic novel. And I said, "Your novel is about a gay black man who falls in
love with a Jew. Doesn't that seem problematic to you?"

One day he's reading the newspaper and there's news that a family, an entire family, has been
cruelly and mercilessly murdered in a small Kansas town. Truman, opportunistic and shrewd,
realizes the potential of the story. At that moment, and even though he He still doesn't know it,
he is creating a new literary style: the documented novel.

Capote rushes to cover the news together with Nelle Harper, her best friend and future author of
Matar a un ruise. ñor. It is starting, little by little, an epic project that will last five years, to result
in his masterpiece, A sangre fria. that will make Capote the most famous writer in the United
States.

Truman meets Nelle on a train on the way to Kansas. The reviewer, a young black man, enters
and congratulates him on his latest novel. Her friend realises, given the affected by the flattery,
that Capote has paid her to do it. Instead of defending himself, he smiles at his friend's insight.
This scene illustrates the stubborn search for recognition, which does not hesitate to resort to
the traps, of the excessive

It's social.

When he arrives in the small town where the murders have been committed, Capote goes to the
inspector of the case, hoping to receive a favourable treatment, but he realises that neither his
fame nor his slyingy appearance will be of much help to him to get neither sympathy nor
information, which leaves him without resources. It will be her friend Nelle who will gain the trust
of the neighbours.
Truman has no modesty to enter the funeral home and secretly open the family's coffins in order
to see the corpses. Thanks to her friend, she manages to talk to the girl who had killed the
family. From this moment on, Truman is creating alliances using his closeness, familiarity and
emotionality, to build confidence in his person and that what seems like a simple talk becomes a
flow of information that he will then take care of writing. The girl even gives him the diary of the
daughter of the murdered family.

Since it aims to discover ru-man history, as a social Ez, it dissociates itself from the emotion, its
own or others, instrumentalising the people with whom it relates to cover its purpose.

One night, when he returns to the hotel, he tells Nelle that he can retain 94 percent of what he
hears. This is a characteristic of control very typical of the social Ez (in addition to the typical
bragging).

That same night, Truman has a telephone conversation with his partner, Jack, to whom he tells,
sorry, that he is not achieving his purpose. "You already know that normal life is swell. Well,
normal life has never been my thing. People here don't want to talk to me. They like people like
you. They like me badly."

You are not worth your seductive strategies here. He cannot understand the townspeople or,
therefore, empathise with them, and his careful appearance is not adaptive in this environment.
It feels out of place and without resources. He is aware that, in some way, he is failing, but he
diverts his incapacity, despising the people of the town for their excessive normality.

One night, Nelle and he go to dinner at the inspector's house, taking advantage of the fact that
his wife admires him as a writer. Capote shows off his pleasant and funny conversation, telling
them gossip about Hollywood and touching them with an emotional personal story about his
mother's death and how his father told him:

"Speak. Tell me anything. You speak so that I don't collapse." An expression of this type is
heard by most social Ez, when their parents deny their child's emotions and at the same time
ask him to take care of their own.

As soon as he finishes his story, he passes in a cold and mechanical way to the event of the
town, managing to take a new step in his in-resesigation: the inspector shows him the photos of
the crime scene.

We see Truman in different scenes where the social Ez character is again evident. Its demeanor
is elegant and apparently relaxed. There is a theatricality in his gestures and the way of telling
things, knowing how to introduce emotional elements, without becoming em-palagus, to cause
an emotional impact on the other. He knows what Say so that the other person opens up and
confises, creating a fala intimacy. This is one of the ways in which the social 2 roots the other,
just as he was betrayed.

In one scene, Capote is talking to his parcia, who complains that he hasn't seen him for a long
time. Romanian promises him a trip together, to the Costa Brava. They are very typical of this
character to leave the couple aside, prioritising their professional world, and the false and great
promises that they hardly fulfil.

The two murderers have been arrested. By the time they are brought to the county court,
Truman has already earned, through gifts and hala-gos, the trust of the sheriff's wife, thanks to
which he has access to the cell of Perry Smith, one of the murderers. He realises that the story
is for more than an article, calls the director of the New York, Times and convinces him to let
him stay longer.

Perry and his partner are convicted and sentenced to death, so they will be transferred to
Kansas. By then, Truman has already become friends with Perry and asks him to put him on his
visit list, while he will look for a lawyer for his app. In this way, this man generates a debt that
will be charged sooner or later.

In New York, Truman tells a journalist about his new book: "There are two worlds in this country:
that of the quiet and conservative life and that of the underworld, violent crime. And those two
worlds crossed that bloody night." It is as if describing the two polarities that exist in it. Little by
little Iru-man realises that there are many things that unite the murderer and that it is a matter of
simple luck, sometimes, that you end up on one side or the other.

At a party, she and Jack talk funny about their friend:

"Truman, in love with Iruman," seeing how he struts talking to each other. At a certain point they
return to stuck their desco of grandeur and also their perea fialat

Truman bribes the prison ward to have unlimited access to Smith and his accomplice Hickock.
Upon discovering that Perry is on hunger strike, he seems to take pity, although surely the only
thing he intends is to continue using his false generosity, generating a debt in Perry to get his
story. To do this, he takes care of him lovingly, giving him little pots to eat.

In this relationship he discovers the person behind the murderer. Truman continues to make use
of a false intimacy, telling him a hard event of his childhood, to continue earning Perry's trust.
He even goes so far as to tell him that, deep down, they are not so different, trying to create a
horizontal and "brother-mand" relationship, a recurring aspect in the social Ez.

Before leaving the cell he manipulates him and puts a first price on his "friendship." He wants to
take Perry's notebooks, for which he tells him: "If I leave here without understanding what
happened, the rest of the world will see you as a monster, and I don't want that." He is
sublimating his intentions and showing off that he is the only one he can trust to save himself
from death.

Truman then has a conversation with Nelle, who shows some concern about how he is using
Perry.
She tells him that she is not respecting him as a person and Truman not only ignores this
comment, but he cannot see beyond his goal and the recognition it will give him: "Every time I
think about how good my book is going to be, I am out of breath."

Truman returns to the cell to tell Perry that he is leaving for a while. He tells him that he trusts
that the book will help him reduce his sentence.

After, Shacha liquor of No Yon Tramit has given

Tusiasmado with the drafts he has sent him from A cold blood.

Truman complains that he cannot finish the book until Perry tells him what exactly happened on
the night of the murders.

Nelle is going to see them carrying a letter from Perry. Both she and

Jack silently witness the coldness that Truman shows before Perry's regrets and requests. From
one of his comments, he feels that the murderer and he were the two sides of the same coin.
"It's as if Perry and I had grown up in the same house and one day he left through the back door
and I went out through the main one."

Back in Kansas, Truman keeps lying to Perry when he asks him to see the book and tells him
that he has not written anything yet; in reality he is only missing the end. It is the constant
spectacle of one of the specialties of social Ez when it betrays the other: the lie.

Truman returns to New York for the presentation of A sangre cold. Stunned, the audience that
crowds the theatre hears how Tru-man tells two of the chapters of a story loaded with terrible
images for its realism. When he finishes, he receives a warm ovation. Shawn tells Truman that
the book will not only change the way people see their work but also the way others write. It is
common in social E2 that, thanks to the confidence he has in himself, he risks being innovative,
transgressive, which makes him peculiar and creative in the tasks he undertakes.

Perry informs Truman that, thanks to him, they have been granted a suspension of the
sentence. Faced with his reluctance to talk about crime, Capore puts his cruelty at stake and
discovers his true Intentions. "There is no word, phrase or concept that you can't explain to me.
There is only one reason why I keep coming here: the night of the murders; that's the only thing
I want you to tell me.

When you decide to tell me, let me know. In the meantime, I won't be back"

Perry makes Truman come again. He is angry, because he has seen in the newspaper the
news about the presentation of Cold-blooded in New York. Truman lies to him again
shamelessly and without the slightest scruple, telling him that what the Times tells is a lie.

It then focusses on his friendship again, without us knowing if it is real or is simply using the
strategy of flattery again:
"I couldn't pretend to be your friend because the truth is that I couldn't help but be."

Truman gives him some photos of when Perry is a child, and that his sister has facilitated when
he has visited her, lying to her once again; now, about her feelings towards him. Perry, at last,
softens and tells him what happened that fateful night. In principle, they had no intention of
killing anyone but that ended up and he was the only one who shot, killing all the members of
the family. Perry recognises that he is tremendously embarrassed but also that he acted without
the slightest mercy.

Just like Truman.

The novel is finally finished but it needs the judgement to be executed, which continues to be
delayed. We see him talking on the phone in a totally tragic and selfish way: "This is distressing.
The only thing I need is to finish the novel."

Perry continues to ask for help from the one he considers his friend. Tru-man lies to him in
writing, succinctly, getting rid of him.

Nelle has distanced himself from Capote due to his coldness with this issue. She, for her part,
has published her book, from which the movie Kill a nightingale is released, with very good
reception. At the premiere party, she sees him set aside, alone, with his head down, having a
drink. Truman does not congratulate his friend for her success, ruminating in a derogatory way
and between teeth that is not a big deal, and focusses on His complaints: He is his own
universe and nothing else matters. It is possible that I will never recover from this... They are
torturing me.

Truman is increasingly depressed until Perry calls him to tell him that they have dismissed the
appeal. Capore is not able to articulate a word. From that moment on, he seems to be in shock
and refuses to see Perry to say goodbye, to talk to anyone or to get out of bed. Until Nelle
brings him a letter from Perry and the writer decides on one last visit. He begins to see how he
is destabilised by contact with suffering and the emtiness he feels. As a good social Ez, he
hides from the eyes of others, secluding himself until the situation changes or passes.

He enters where the two condemned are waiting for him, already dressed for the gallows,
between head down and defensive. The two men laugh telling him that they understand that he
wouldn't want to visit them. Tru-man seems really affected and tries to justify his performance:

"Maybe I haven't done enough." Perry asks him to go to the cjec-tion to vet a friendly face and
Truman accepts. Then he will return to his complaint, without alluding to the fatal fate of his
"friend": "It has been a terrible experience, I think I will never recover."

When he tries to get rid of the guilt: "No one could have done anything for them," Nelle replies:
"The thing is that you didn't want to either."

Truman Capote did not write any books again.

12

The therapeutic transformation of the Social Two includes a path of humanisation that could be
defined as feeling "one more".

The beginning of the awareness of the compensatory nature of the work and the harmful part
that underlied my impulse to offer support was in the SAT. Claudio Naranjo uses meetings a lot
for January. I remember the profound effect that made me recognise myself similar to other
people of my type.

On the one hand, I felt a great emotional tranquillity, comparable to having found my lost flock
again. On the other hand, a slight sense of anguish, wrapped in the mystery of mathematical
precision in the description of the character offered by the encagram and in the check of such
accuracy in the statements of people in the

When in the end I found orthos Doses sociales, when sharing in the group I realised that the
traits I boasted of and that I thought were the proof of my uniqueness were, in fact, character
programming present in all my neurosis companions. I realised that, until that moment, I had
managed to feel superior to all the Doscs, which allowed me to continue with the illusion of
being unique and special. There began a fracture in the character, due to the fact of To have
perceived its conditioned and automatic nature, which did not allow me to continue to identify
with it in the same way as

Before.

PAOLO BATOCCHI

The biggest obstacle for a social two in a therapeutic process will be to ask for help, since his
identity is based on the belief that he does not need it or be able to show any limit or "defect." If
you get therapy, your greatest effort will be to declare your problems. You can ask and, at the
same time, deny that you have asked; and demonstrate from superiority that, effectively, your
dynamics are already known and the exit is already clear. By doing this, it prevents the therapist
from entering areas that he fears and will constantly control it.

The challenge to authority and the great desire to be the authority himself interfere with
recognising the therapist as someone who can guide him. On the contrary, he will try,
relentlessly, to become very understanding towards the professional, showing himself
empathetic with his work, his tiredness or his eventual problems, which the Social Two
undoubtedly senses and, above all, will be extremely seductive.

This is how the role he had in his family is repeated: to occupy the role of father losing his place
as a son. Distrust of authority and competition to demonstrate its grandeur will be the dynamics
that will occur in the therapeutic relationship. In addition, his neurotic need to be accepted will
return by showing himself magnificent, and it will be difficult for him to believe that the therapist
understands him or values him if he opens his shortcomings.
Another characteristic of social Ez will be to put yourself at the same level, trying to befriend the
therapist by talking about social, worldly or professional issues. For the professional, it will be an
objective to cut so much rationality to be able to enter into intimate issues.

It will be a therapeutic skill, especially in the first eta-pas, to welcome the person with this
character without attacking his need for superiority and, with patience, create a bond where she
can experience that asking or feeling a need is not related Coa not to rener value. And wait until
she can appreciate a mother and a guide who respects her, who gives her a place.

It is very important that the therapist is careful with his own narcissistic need to be indispensable
and to create dependence, because this would be a door to competitiveness with his patient

Two social.

Another area where he needs a thorough job is his passion for territorial conquest. The
satisfaction that this character seeks is to be seen and feed his grandiose image. The
narcissistic games of believing themselves to be the best, the most expert and the leader cover
up a lack of experience of maternal love. He has not known the look at his pro-Fund being, a
sure bond that allows him to trust that love exists.

It is these same narcissistic games that prevent him from being in contact with the deep
loneliness he lived as a child, as a nifia.

Nor is he aware that the high expectations on the part of the family that he was the trophy, the
great winner, caused him a social exposure inadequate for his age; he is not aware that there
was child exploitation.

People of this character often deceive themselves by telling a happy family story, where they
were much loved.

Of course they were, but with very stressful conditions for a

Creature.

The social Ez is not aware that his own father or mother competed with him, pushing him into a
battle for superiority where he lost affective containment and protection. Anyone who now
presents himself to him with the intention of protecting him will be lived with distrust and
challenge. And this can also be repeated with the therapist, who will need to have the patience
to stay in the attitude of acceptance of a capricious child with adult shoes.

In addition, in the relationship with authority he can feel the same ambivalence as with parents:
On the one hand, he was praised and stimulated to be great, and by the orro, humiliated in his
needs More natural or at the moment when he expressed his emotions. The emptiness of an
authentic relationship of care and intimacy fills him with his grandiose self. Give voice to the
child who lost his ninety early. He lives it as humiliating. Asking for help or being affectionately
welcomed puts you in contact with a position of inferiority. His response has been to cool
emotions, create distance and, also,

Depria quier no ponieconque that in lite,

Of its grandeur. The Social Two can't stand confrontation because there is no one who can put
limits on it. There is a risk that he will quickly escape the process of growth and self-knowledge
if he smells from afar the threat to his crazy certainty of being the best. Therefore, this attack on
narcissism has to go in parallel with a realising your inner child strained and unseen. A creature
who was hurt in her healthy pride and who had to mount an inflated self-image to not feel the
criticism and humiliation for being a child.

It will be important to distinguish between humiliation and humility, as Claudio Naranjo has often
explained talking about the virtue of Ez, which is humility. Being small for the social Two has
been humiliating; having emotions or diseases, too. Just as it can be humiliating that there is
someone bigger than him. By not touching the humiliation he does not recognise the courage of
the other; he does not recognise him

What a perisel

That can have a gift or a warmth worthy of being appreciated.

There is a possibility that the social "patient" Two will continue in the therapeutic process if the
therapist can accept this child emperor with compassion, valuing the ability he has had to
advance in life, until he can give value to the inner world emotional nal and see the
ridiculousness of his worldly successes. See, above all, how grandiose narcissism is his prison,
his condemnation to loneliness and coldness, and realises and this is very important of his lack
of freedom.

Another field to work on is the recovery of your natural instinct.

The Two is a seducer and looks like sexual freedom, but his suduction.

Especially in the social subtype, it is at the service of taking over the other. He knows how to
invent attraction and love but he does not know loving intimacy; in the end, he does not know
how to love. This also affects children, as we described in the section on love. We see the great
difficulty of this character to have a warm physical contact. Above all, he doesn't know how to
play. To play is to waste time and, even more than that, it would be like pairs and release the
control of the great Napoleonic general.

Free play, with the natural joy of the inner child, could also help him to a more fulfilling sex life
and a deep enjoyment, instead of relying on an exhibition of sexuality, unleashing his sexual
cannibalism or selling sex to gain admiration.

To achieve this freer and more natural instinctivity, body works can help you, such as massage
or dancing, which make it easier to let go and listen to the body more subtle.
The search for sexual confirmations characterised a part of my life. I actively sought any form of
learning that could increase the effectiveness of my power of seduction and sexual fascination.

To succeed in my leagues I also submitted to endless small challenges with myself, forcing
myself to overcome any form of shame, discomfort, fear of rejection and humiliation, pain for
loss...

Over time, I exceeded many limits in this way and became expert enough in relationships to be
able to have a very rich and varied sex life. However, little by little the superficiality of this type
of relationship put me in contact with a feeling of emptiness and distressing disorientation.
Disorientation when the naive belief that realisation could coincide with the full release of Eros
and libido crumbles.

PAOLO BAIOCCHI

Because of its difficulty in putting yourself in each other's place and feeling real empathy, it will
be an important step to become aware of the behaviours with which it hurts. The awareness of
treating the other As an instrument for one's own success will make it possible to open the door
to know friendship, already as a relationship of loving accompaniment or as an admiring love
towards the other.

This character has to develop a sincere emparic fraternity, recover the sense of humanity and
learn to travel through loneliness.

It will be important for him to see the selfishness behind the false gender and his lack of ethics
in his will to pursue glory.

I approached therapy to look for the causes of suffering and trying to increase my well-being
and strength more and more. When I discovered the damage I did to my character, I changed
direction, starting to worry more about what I did to others.

I then set myself the goal of increasing the well-being and strength of others more than mine,
and developing empathy more than self-awareness. Self-analysis ceased to be the search for
the points in which I felt weak, to become that of those in which I looked unclean and acted
unconsciously as an explorer.

PAOLO BALOCCHI

The fundamental thing is that he realises the consequences he has on others when he uses
them in his thirst for worship, when he exploits them in his conquest of success, when he
manipulates them to appropriate their qualities. In the therapeutic process, the hot chair
technique is very effective, where the patient is accompanied to put himself in the place of the
other in order to feel the emotions of the other. You also learn in this way to listen and receive
the returns without justifying yourself, without resuming the most care of the indifferent at all
speed.
End proeso of self-knowledge is very cicaz of the work of

He knew, where the companions can give him back how they feel distant, difficult to reach and
cold, and how difficult it is found in the

Intirity and in peer-to-peer comp It is important that you cultivate true belonging to a group,
without escaping when you do not feel the most important or special, without fleeing from your
wounded pride.

In my drawing, I painted my tendency to win over the weak of a seemingly hot colour, the colour
of altruistic love. I deceived myself using parental mania to justify, within my consciousness, the
criminal act of selfishly exploiting the fragility of people for a narcissistic confirmation.

PAOLO BAIOCCHI

In the process of awareness, the person of this character realises how success is a substitute
for Being, how he covers his experience of being empty and low self-esteem.

This is a very difficult dynamic to work with because, for an "abundant" person we could say that
it makes no sense to descend from the throne, from the fulness. As you know, it is easier for
someone who feels deficient and deficient to want to get out of that hell.

For the Social Two, it's as if I had to leave paradise.

This is the slowest transformation, which is achieved with the awareness of the prison in which
he lives, of how he destroys himself and of how he is truly alone and without love.

If he opens up to his pain he can learn to love. If he feels his loneliness he can realise that he is
not immortal and begin to give meaning and sacredness to the small gestures, to the daily
actions of his life. If you learn that it is one more, maybe you can value life more and make it
sacred.

The relationship with the practice of meditation is ambivalent.

A social two can use meditation and the spiritual way as a-ramients to improve his state of
narcissistic perfection.

Your great being can take advantage of the achievements achieved with meditation to feel more
likely to be superior to others. With this character, we are really at the risk of a spiritual
materialism, as described by Trungpa Rinpoché. It's Very easy that he can charlatanically put
himself as a guru to promise the salvation of the world (his main delusional idea).

On the other hand, it can be very difficult for him to meditate because stopping the mind and
action for this character means contacting a vacuum that he interprets as a lack. And in the
same way, it is difficult for him to enter into the relationship with the teacher, which requires a
deep devotional love and a surrender to the Teachings with an attitude of obedience and
respect for high spiritual values.

The restorative gesture of the Two is to kneel with his head ga-cha. Learn to fall and get up
again, humbly and without hiding.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Once, during a therapy session, I was asked where my strength came from. At first I didn't know
what to answer, until I began to talk about the illustrious ancestors who inspired me from my
childhood, when my uncles told me stories that I wanted to be part of. Intimately, I wanted them
to talk about me with the same passion, enthusiasm and admiration with which they evoked our
ancestors.

When I remember my childhood, I am not surprised by these airs of superiority that I bring,
because among my glorious ancestors are General Poma, who accompanied Napoleon
Bonaparte in his campaign to Egypt, and a great-great-grandfather whom they called Napoleon,
who came with his father to Merán (Salra, Argentina) to colonise the New World at the end of
the nineteenth century. We can add great artists, members of the Vatican Swiss Guard, a
president of the Swiss canton of Ticino and a cardinal of Venice who was papal. Listening again
and again the stories of these heroes in the family, intellectual and cultural scenarios of my
childhood, I believe That little by little the importance of having a mission to be recognised, of
having fame and changing to have power was sculpted inside me.

Our family, the Poma (which in Italian translates as man-zana'), has its own shield, with two
rampant lions and an apple tree in the field of the shield. My maternal great-great-great-
grandcar, Napoleon Poma, was an architect and came from a rich family of professionals,
which, at the end of the nineteenth century, represented a high level not only economic, but also
cultural and political and, therefore, an influence at the social level. He arrived in Argentina
along with his father Paolo Poma, who had financed and built part of the Trans-Siberian.

Another ancestor closest and more present in family dinners is my mother's grandfather, Carlos
Poma Fantoni, who, along with his brothers, occupies strategic places in Metán's society. He
manages to motivate other wealthy families to get for Merán the installation of the running water
network, electric lighting, the first telephone line, the creation of the hospital, the foundation of
the popular library, the opening of roads, the creation of neighbourhoods and more schools.
And, through various entrepreneurships, he manages to multiply the family fortune.

How could my childish mind be indifferent to so much wealth, expansion, dedication and
generosity? I always wanted to hear more. I remember that I stayed at the table with the adults,
attentive and expectant, while my cousins were going to play.

My father and mother represented the union of two cultures, the Argentine and the Chilean, and
of two social classes: the alcurnia and the people; of two economies: wealth and poverty; of two
educational levels, almost illiterate and university with honours... It seems like the plot of a
South American soap opera (and I was, as a child, a voracious reader of Corin Tellado's
romantic novels)... but without a happy ending. That's how I feel it's my life too: in extremis.
Either all or nothing, white or Regro; with many difficulties to nuance towards a midpoint.

Either I idealise people or I ignore them. My mother devoted her whole life to studying and
taking care of others. She made a career as a lawyer and became a juvenile advocate in the
Courts from a very young age. Perhaps the fact of suffering from polio from a young age
prompted her to study and had a very recognised professional life, first in Metán and then in
Salta, at a time, the fifties, when most women were housewives or, at most, teachers. Perhaps
because of her little experience with men she was captivated by a seductive and charmer who
publicly courted her shamelessly: that was my father. Practically illiterate, she helped him study
and finish his studies. My mother made a lot of money and saved, she had properties and
houses. Heir to the unmarried aunts he took care of while studying Law, they also left him a very
coveted property in front of the Municipality of Córdoba. She was an advance for her time,
because being single, and at the age of thirty, she adopted my sister Natalia.

My father, thanks to my mother's position, had managed to enter an environment completely

unknown to him, surrounded by wealthy, professional personalities and with political and
economic powers. He was Chilean, of indigenous origin, the only illegitimate son who had to
take his father's place in more than one senti-do. He was a miner without studies, and he came
to Salta looking for a new life, because at that time he was married - marriage that my mother
did not know when she married and had two children, whose existence I knew on Facebook
when my father died, in 2012.

My childhood: a hell for me, more hell for others

Do paia few way thing my is that with da

Never you ho don e th tin moico le dn as a father that Age. That brought many consequences in
my life, such as when, at the age of six, the principal called my aunts to complain that the
teacher could not teach because I did not stop whistling and singing.

Without a doubt, my thing was going to be to attract attention.

But it seems that everything was not so normal, happy and cheerful. My family had and has
many secrets, some very well kept and others, impossible to hide. My mother spent a lot of time
away from home, my father stayed with us and abused the young girls who, as a baby, took
care of me. My family recently told me that my father also mistreated and abused the minors
that my mother legally protected at home while waiting for a replacement family to be assigned
to them.

Finally, when I was two years old, my father was imprisoned for abuse of another minor in the
family (a second cousin of mine), and my mother took him out of jail because he got the girl's
mother and grandmother to cancel the complaint. There my mother dropped the blindfold, and it
was the beginning, too, of her own fall.
In November 1973, she was operated on her gallbladder and, at the age of forty-one, she
developed a postoperative infectious process that my uncles, her brothers, both doctors, are not
yet explained. My aunts have always said that she could no longer cope with the situation she
lived with my father. I lost it when I was three years old, and then I also lost my father, who
disappeared from the family scene. I didn't see him again until several years later.

Thus, being still very small, I left my house, my uncles and cousins, my city and the environment
I knew, and they moved me nine hundred kilometres away, to live with other relatives who
would take care of me: a grandmother, a seventy-year-old widow, and a forty-five single aunt:
my mother's older sister. In the adjoining house lived my mother's other sister, married and with
two children.

He now belonged to a family composed of four adults and four children. At five years old I was
already alone on the street; I went to the neighbour's house and rang the doorbell to meet my
friend L., three years old. The neighbourhood was my home; the merchants, my friends: the
butcher, the baker, the florist, the hairdresser, the greengrocer, the seamstress, the master of
the kiosk, those of the supermarket, the shoedresser, the dentist, the pharmacist. It was my
territory, and I walked around there like Pedro around his house, chatting with each other. I
remember that when I was ten years old I attended the florist! I loved making bouquets while the
owner was going to take a nap and left the store for me.

In reality, so much interaction with so many people, circulating in such a large space, gave me a
sense of belonging, but it prevented me from touching what was inside me and what was
happening inside the house. I was looking outside for what I couldn't find inside.

Because there, in the house, I felt like I didn't have a place. At first, I slept in my grandmother's
room, with my sister. Grandma was a silent woman with a sad look. She had lost her husband
very young and was left with five children in her care. He had also recently lost one of his
daughters.

From the age of three to twelve, I lived from March to November in Córdoba with my sister, my
aunt and my grandmother. And from December to February, at the house of other of my uncles
with their four children, or at the house of Uncle C. and Aunt L., with four other children. During
those three months it was easy for us to meet twenty-two people for lunch, dinner, snack.. I
think this makes my concept of family quite broad.

I grew up with my cousins as if they were my brothers and with my uncles as if they were my
parents. But no one assumed parental roles. I did what I wanted, I barked and bit the one in
front of me. There was no authority referent, an adult who had the courage or the patience to
set limits. In the end, I felt that our dog Poggy was the only member of the family from whom
she received unconditional love. He was the only being I hugged and kissed. I didn't want
anyone to know How much was the contact. Sometimes I was asleep when my grandmother
approached, because I knew that I would wrap myself up and that I would put the bangs on my
face, like a caress.
Leading and conquering from childhood

I had to be the centre of any situation; it's not important whether for better or for worse, the
important thing was not to be indifferent to anyone. My specialty was to lead the neighbourhood
gang. I told everyone what they had to do, what to play, the roles of each one...

They always asked me: "And now, what do we do?" Inclux C., which was the greatest of all. It
was important for me to have the management of power with the peers, although I felt even
more pleasure in challenging the elders, who were more difficult to master.

I completely lacked the slightest routine, like brushing my teeth, showering, tidying up my
room... There was no one there to teach me any habits. Therefore, I did not have to take care of
any tarca of the house, because everything was clean, my room arranged and the food served. I
never took care of those things. My aunt S. tried, at least, to instill in me the habit of weekly
cleaning, and I rebelled there whenever I could.

My personal hygiene was neglected. And I was docked by gourmands; they called me La
Kiosco. At first, my grandmother gave me money to buy candy; then it didn't come to me and I
stole it. This total falca of limits, along with the inattention in which I lived, led to all my baby
teeth being loved. They dragged me to the dentist in front of the house, who took out the
remains of rotten teeth that were left without anaesthesia, while two adults held my hands and
feet to the armchair, since my strength and my rebellion did not allow them to bend me easily.

I understood, from a very young age, that it was difficult to stand out. It was the sexca between
twelve cousins and cousins. I felt an atmosphere around me Competitive, which marked all my
relationships from the beginning. We competed for the recognition, attention and love of adults.

But being a niece as a daughter did not have the same weight, so I felt that I had to make an
extra effort when I had to share with each of the families I lived with, according to the time of
year.

Then, my grandmother got sick with colon cancer and my uncle bought a house in the
neighbourhood, near the one we had. My aunt S. went to live there with her husband and her
two children to take care of my abuckla, and I, of course, entered the pack. My sister and my
aunt N., the single one, stayed in the house where we used to live at five. The separation
improved the relationship with my sister with respect to our everyday frictions, but I think we
became two strangers; they could go days or weeks without seeing her. She had a very close
bond with our cousin C., who is the same age, and I was quite envious of the accomplice
relationship they had when they were together.

Me, my own law and the public image

Between the free rein to my whims that my grandmother allowed me, and the constant
persecution to which my aunt N., the single one, subjected me, I came to the conclusion that I
had to be my own lcy, my self-rity, my reference. I started an imaginary game: I had a father and
a mother. And when I went to a friend's birthday, or her parents picked me up by car, I told them
that I had to go home soon because my family was waiting for me. (Actually, my aunts
sometimes didn't even know that I was on a birthday.) This lie to my friends helped me save the
humiliation that meant for me not having a normal family, with a father and a mother who cared
about me. The public image was beginning to make me feel something important.

At the age of six I started going to the hairdresser, the most famous in the ba-trio. Every year, at
school, we were given a complete health diagnosis, including a vision check-up, which in my
case resulted in myopia and astigmatism. However, the reports never reached my family: I was
not going to wear glasses! Impossible. I didn't want to be the "four eyes" in a mixed school,
where there were children I liked! It was very important not to be embarrassed, not to be
humiliated, not to appear as a poor thing. And in this sense, external aesthetic care has always
been a priority. But I never care about fashion; I only take into account what favours me.

Another important issue was my legal situation. My father had lost my custody when my mother
died, I imagine because of his history of paedophilia and the embezzlement of my mother's
inheritance. Until I was eighteen I had as a guardian an aunt of mine, and also the juvenile
Defence, who was going to see in court; this made me feel important in my environment of
friendships, because she was the only one who had such an illustrious tutor. Now I understand
the looks of sorrow and fright of my classmates, frightened that I felt proud to have a defender of
the minor as a guardian, instead of a father and a mother like all. From a very young age I had
already decided to tell any detail of my life as a fan-tastic story, and this tutor came to me like a
ring to my finger.

I had to go and see him regularly; luckily he was a good man. He welcomed me in the tallest
building in the city, a very luxurious place. The walls of his office, lined with wood, were full of
shelves of golden books. He received me with the same suit of Siempre with a vest, very
elegant, and walked, perfumed, until Sit behind a very large table. All this made me feel older. I
was the only one of my friends who drove alone by bus over such long distances, and in
addition, I was able to go to the Courts! In this way I told my friends that my life was very
interesting and glamorous, a habit with which I often continue to speculate.

A covert kidnapping

From the age of three to nine I saw my father only a few days during my summers in Metán, and
each year he came with a different woman. I sat on his lap in the car and made me drive on dirt
roads; there was something in his gesture that made me feel uncomfortable, although he
pretended that I was in charge, that I decided where we were going, because I was driving.

But in the summer when I turned ten years old, everything was different.

My father went to pick me up, like every year, but this time he didn't take me back with my
abucla. I had already planned my kidnapping, and after the hours no one knew where we were.
I think it would be more appropriate to call it covert kidnapping, because now I understand it as
an attempt by my father to give me a family, obviously from a very peculiar and controversial
concept of family.
The season I spent with my father and his partner I lived as an intense and extensive
coexistence with my father, whom I had been seeing only one day loose in summer. It was the
only time, since my mother died, when I shared so many days in a row with him. He took me to
live with a woman and her daughter my age, which luckily I liked from the first moment.

At first everything seemed normal, but little by little things were complicated. It was the
beginning of summer and, therefore, the beginning of the holidays: there were three months
ahead. If I asked him when he was going to return to my house, he said to me: "This is your
house.

We are going to be a family and I am going to stabilise myself. Now I have a Business...". He
had rented a place where he sold sweets and gifts. The name of the trade was Fresi-Nor,
coincidentally the initial syllabs of my two names. This surprised me. Suddenly, I had the feeling
that it was important for my father, maybe this time I had good intentions and that idea of being
a family could be true. Sometimes, I have the feeling of having inherited that same vocation of
selling sweets and gifts in exchange for love.

It didn't take me long to learn the difficulties my father had to fulfil promises and the distance
between his fantasies and reality. Screams and arguments with his partner were constant. She,
fortunately, had the character to defend herself and to defend her daughter and me. B. I was a
lawyer, like my mother. I worked in the mornings and until the afternoon. We saw it almost at
dinner time, and from that moment on the scenes happened one day after another, without tre-
gua. There was always a reason to hear screams and blows.

I lived expectantly and anxious during the day, and at night with a mixture of anger, fear and
excitement, not knowing what was going to happen. I wanted B. to punish my father for
immorality, for lying; and for my father, the next day, to behave differently. But in the end that
never happened, and everything was repeated one day yes, and another, too. I was used to
driving in violent environments, alert to know what was the strategy to follow. And this time I felt
the protector of

C., B's daughter. Although we were both ten years old, our characters were almost opucst, and I
carried the singing voice. Currently the same thing happens to me: I become bigger and braver
when I put myself in the role of defending or protecting.

In front of the gallery, happy family image

While the adults were supposed to

Dante what does pate. et ho vote go

In physical contact with those women. As if by chance, he rested his head on the legs of one or
was in the pool next to another.

Everything was in the light of day, and he did it as if it were the most natural.
Of course, I didn't miss an opportunity to contact B. that same night, and the mess was getting
up. Now I think about the riskyness of my attitude: I was with unknown people, including my
father, with no one to defend myself. But I was not aware of that. It was as if I felt that I could
cope with any situation... And until today.

In parallel, my mother's family had hired a private detective to look for me. It took a month,
approximately.

From when I returned home, I still have some blurred memories, but I don't forget the joy of
seeing my grandmother again. Of course, from that moment on she denied my father any visit.
However, he managed to find me without my maternal family twice

My grandmother, the person I feel loved me the most, died on October 7, 1985, the day before
my fifteenth birthday, a much desired party in South American culture because it is a
presentation in society. Like a mini wedding but without a consort, although with a dress, dance,
dinner, candies, garlands, glitter, etc.

Naturally, there was no party; there was a lot of pain. I was back from school when they told me.
There were no tears in my eyes, they didn't let me see her, I couldn't say goodbye, or touch her
for the last time. I was frozen; I think that was the moment when I decided not to cry-

Tar mส ์s.

A sad and quiet teenager

At the age of eleven they changed my school, and I remember it as quite traumatic algae for
me. I had been since I was three years old in a mixed public school with my cousins, even
sharing the same class, and also with my friends in the neighbourhood. So I went from being
the earthquake and the total drama of elementary school to an autistic in high school.

I was enrolled in a school of nuns, the Mercedarian Sisters of the Child Jesus, where my sister
was in the last year of high school. The change to the female school, religious and private,
represented knowing a completely different atmosphere. In elementary school I lived joy,
diversity, chaos and the masculine, in an easy space to mix with the boys and put my own
masculinity into play. In the new school everything was cloister, confinement, series-dad, order,
discipline, rigidity, uniforms. I also discovered my difficulty in relating to so many women,
because we were only girls. There was no escape: I found them sluggist, slow, counts, fragile,
envious, cocks, stockings, obedient... All that re-represented, in my head, the feminine. I felt
helpless, I felt that in this environment I could not show myself as I was.

I remember the feeling of being cold every morning because at 7:00 we started raising the flag
and praying the Angelus, firm. The first shock bequeathed the first day of class.

As soon as I entered school, the principal and the faculty soon referred me to the office of the
pedagogue, a young woman who had just become a mother and who took care of difficult
cases. I remember clearly that in each session, for, I think, a year, I sat in front of her and
looked at her without saying a single word. I never spoke in her presence, and she got tired of
asking. From en-conces, in each tutoring I arrived at her office, sat down and she continued to
take care of her papers; the doorbell rang and I got up and left. I never understood why the
pedagogue did not talk to the nuns about what was happening. I imagine that she wanted to
continue in her job, or maybe she thought that one day she would talk, or maybe she didn't
know what to do with me and didn't want to admit it.

Interestingly, today I am a psychologist by profession. And sometimes I think that I have

embraced this race to make up for that moment of my life and be able to help other girls as I
would have liked her to have helped me. I would have liked her to have been able to see
beyond my rebellious and proud attitude.

Shame, religion and the feminine entered my life. Soon I had become a girl extremely Sad,
silent and abstracted, completely isolated. I sat on a bench in the back or at the beginning of the
class and didn't talk to anyone; some classmates approached and wanted to talk to me or sit
next to me, and I didn't let them.

It took me a long time to fit into the new space. I need to understand how everything worked, the
structure, the system, the characters, who "commanded. I had identified all the subgroups of the
class, who was friends with whom, who took or not with whom, who was worth approaching,
who was not.

The hardest stage I remember at school is from twelve to fourteen. My colleagues saw me so
sad that they had a surprise party at N.'s house, one of them, and I felt so embarrassed,
uncomfortable and overwhelmed that I couldn't express gratitude. I was angry with them for
their generosity; I felt indebted. Deep down, I had a feeling of not deserting. To date, a surprise
party had never been organised for anyone in the class, and I felt that privilege as a punishment
that put me in the focus of pity. I remember them all screaming for surprise, and I, with a scared
face, unable to respond to so much expectation. Tanca disinterested attention, simply
expressed from affection, was completely new to me. At that moment I felt my orphanhood, my
deep lack. The gesture of affection reached the core of my her-rida, the large emptiness, the
hucco. It is a black hole, bottomless, impossible to fill, and every time some affection falls inside,
it reminds me how empty it is.

By sucrte, in that dry ecapa M. appeared, an eighteen-year-old novice, kind, affectionate and
happy. Without asking permission, he entered completely into my life, sat on the empty bench
that had accompanied me until that moment, and his presence completely changed the way I
was in the class: with my classmates, with the subjects, with the teachers, with the principal
(who was his mentor). And also all my relationships fucra from school. His arrival represented a
rebirth. After my grandmother, it was the first Person with whom I felt the closest thing to an
unconditional love.

His joie de vivre was contagious, and I don't know very well why he adopted an attitude of
protection and care with me.
I remember the living room of the convent where we met, a gray place, austere, without
ornaments. But she entered the room and felt that it was lighting up. His company was a place
to rest emotionally from anger, violence and aggression. At last I felt that someone took care of
me, offering me a constant routine, affection and limires, order and joy of living. Every afternoon
I spent in the convent studying with her and, when I look back, I see that our relationship
allowed me to start a path of emotional stability that I am still travelling.

M. I was only three years old but I felt like an older sister, almost a mother. Since I met her, she
helped me look at my colleagues compassionately; and since I liked crafts so much, I invented
miniature cards, with tiny details, that carried famous phrases from the Reader's Digest
Selections, a magazine that periodically came home. Depending on what he could guess was
happening to a colleague, he wrote him a frasc and at recess he left it on the desk.

At first no one knew who sent the cards, I liked to create that mystery, like a kind of anonymous
saviour. Then they discovered me and ordered me little cards to give away, there came a time
when I couldn't handle the orders. I was already talking to almost all the classmates in the class,
because M. was the principal's right hand and in turn I was her right hand. I also discovered that
that millimetre writing ability served me to make chops for the exams. I became a real
professional; I miniaturised chops in exchange for sweets.

When M. discovered my adventures, he suggested that, instead of writing it so small, which was
quite laborious, I write it in a notebook, and so I began to study with notes. Curiosamen-fe, I had
very good handwriting and was very orderly in the schemes; I I liked that the notebook was
aesthetically clear and visual. This made it very easy for me to remember answers to the
questions of the exams, from the visual memory of what I had written, schematised and
underlined.

Being so close to M. opened a direct path for me with the convent, the nuns and the priests, in
several ways. One was the organisation of my first massive event at the age of fifteen. the First
Meeting of Youth in Christ, with which we prepared for the future visit of the Pope. We received
many congratulations; it was a key moment of recognition for me. It was like having been in a
dark cave and suddenly coming out to the light shining;

I felt like a treasure discovered.

Sexuality, a complicated matter

The boys began to interest me at the age of ten. They always liked several at the same time; at
least one of each group that frequents-ba. Luckily, at that age it was not yet fundamental for me
that they liked me too; it was more important to have a desco object to take it to my fantasies
than to materialise them.

There was one element in all of them in common: they had the face of good guys. If they were
attractive, better, but the main thing was that they were kind. Then, more into adolescence, I
would take another look at them, feline: I wanted to tame beasts; to get a macarra to become a
altar boy thanks to his love for me.
Coinciding with menstruation, at the age of fourteen I met two almost opposite boys, who
showed me another dimension of my adolescence. Both were three years older than me. A. was
a medical student, and P. went to the adult night school. Vcia to A. so mature, so responsible,
that I felt that it was an honour for me to follow him, that he noticed me, a thin and graceless
teenager, according to the image that the mirror returned to me. Although he made me Feel my
curves at the contact of his hands in the back of his father's imported car. I still remember the
pink supe-adjusted corduroy pants that he liked so much. My innocence and his prudence did
not allow us to go further than exchanging kisses and caresses, but for me it was very daring:
When I got home at twelve at night and my uncle R. opened the door for me, I received the
strongest slap of my life.

Then I met P., who had a profile quite opposite to that of

A., with his cigarette, his cat's gaze, his parqueness in words and his passion. She treated me
as if I were a little girl and I felt cared for and protected by someone who folded me in size.
When he hugged me, I made a fence with his arms that cradled me, and I felt that nothing bad
could happen to me, that he would defend me from whoever he was.

We met every afternoon. He was coming from far away; he had to take several buses to get
there, and we took advantage of the dark corners to kiss. They were soft kisses, something
strange coming from a boy with a vast sexual experience: he had experimented in both
directions, with his best friend and with several women older than him. However, with me he
limited himself to kissing me and wiping my tears, which were not few. Once again I felt that I
was with a person in whom I could rest from my aggression, my struggle, my anger. In every
afternoon I shared with him there was always a space and a time to let me fall and cry; I felt that
I was so in love... He was an enigmatic being and had a reputation as a criminal. His personal
situation was very complicated, and that complexity was perhaps what attracted me the most to
him, along with his masculinity and his protection, which allowed me to be fragile and vulnerable
perhaps for the first time with the opposite sex, without being the one who commanded or said
what had to be done.

However, as time went by it became a stormy relationship. I was an emotionally unstable

person and he wanted to "sit head" with me; so far, studies did not interest him much, but since
he met me he signed up for the University. He wanted to be a veterinarian, and he had to go live
in a distant city, Río Cuarto. The distance complicated the relationship. I was very sociable and
went out with my friends bar and the problems began: he was very jealous and I was not careful
with his feelings.

I was aware of the intensity of our relationship one night when we went bowling. I had
confessed to him that I had let a boy kiss me while he was in the other city. And there he
decided to take his revenge. He started dancing with a very striking and sexy ex-girlfriend of his
and kissed her in front of me. I went out, he followed me and told me to get in the car, which
was taking me home, and when we were up he began to collide with all the cars, not caring
about the havoc he was causing. She left me in the middle of nowhere, alone and without
money. Although then he came back and brought me home: I got out of the car without looking
back, becoming dignified and denying the fear that had passed. That's where our relationship
ended.

The following summer was the most romantic vacation of my youth. My sister's boyfriend, H.,
welcomed her and me at her uncles' house. The two of them wanted to make life on their own,
so, without eating or drinking it, I was integrated into that family. Everyone was at the end of the
street except me, who found out at the door. He introduced me to his uncles and his three
cousins and his cousin. The youngest cousin was eighteen years old: J. was attractive, tall and
wide with his back, and his experience with women was noticeable.

Despite the fact that all that came as a surprise to me, luckily from the first moment I really liked
that family. They were very affectionate, communicative and cheerful. They took me to what
would be from that moment on my room, which was J.'s room, the freshest and most collected.
He, transferred to the guest room, had a pretext to visit me often in my room, take his clothes
and take the opportunity to steal a kiss or a hug, because in his house we did not show our
relationship. It was a secret, although so obvious!

Suddenly, I had a wonderful new family, and I felt that we had adopted each other. J. and I
became Inseparable. We had breakfast together, he accompanied me to the store where I
started working, we went to the countryside, to the pool, to fly by helicopter....

I didn't stop surprising me. It was as if he also-

I would have read all of Corín Tellado's novels and I would like to put them into practice.

Despite his sexual experience, and perhaps because we lived under the same roof, J. behaved
with me very carefully. We never kissed in public, only when we were in the cache or in the dark
areas of his brother's bowling alley where we were going to dance. I loved that he hugged me
and danced tight.

I feel that it is a model that I have repeated throughout my life as a couple: I am looking for a
man-good-father-protector, to give him everything, except my sexuality. I seduce and all the
time I attract his attention and provoke his desire and then tell him no. I love to see and feel his
desire, but without sharing. I just want to be an object of desire for the other, but I don't want to
surrender.

The religious in my life

Upon returning from vacation, I got in touch with a religious social research group. The mother
house of the congregation (some of us could see it as a sect) was in the most expensive area of
the centre of Córdoba. When I arrived at the huge wooden gate, which seemed freshly placed, I
roked the doorbell and opened the one that I then identified as the coordinator.

Every week I presented myself to my spiritual guide and confessed everything I had done,
previously reviewing the list of sins. And every week he was commulgating in two masses, one
at school and the other at the Order, which is what it was called this group... which was none
other than Opus Dei.

Much of my academic development, study habits, my skills as a researcher and my lack of

continuous training throughout my life I owe it to the people who accompanied me there during
that time.

But at the age of twenty, when I got engaged to J., my first formal boyfriend, I left the Opus. The
weekly confessions became unsustainable for me. He failed again and again with the act of
contrition!

Well, the idea was not to sin again. And I could no longer deny myself the possibility of having a
boyfriend and feel guilty about it.

However, I needed to continue being part of a se-ligious group, and I began to participate in the
Universal Christian Gnostic Movement, or the non-sex sect. We were captured through their
lectures and courses on Greek mythology, Atlantis, Ancient Egypt, astrology, psychology and
self-knowledge, the Maya, the Celts, the Far East... Gnosis, as knowledge, would be a
compilation of the wisdom of the old schools. For that reason it becomes a doctrine of synthesis,
which is responsible for unveiling all the mysteries so far hidden for humanity. The sect
maintains that people must awaken their consciences and tend to harmonisation, which is
achieved through the elimination of the ego, the psychological auro-examination, meditation
And the use of sexual energy, which is considered the largest energy of the human being.

They considered that the perfect marriage occurred when couples practised coise without
reaching orgasm, so as not to spill semen. They promoted above all virginity and the total
absence of masturbation. They said that we should have monogamous and one-person
relationships in our entire life, because in the sexual act we absorbed the karma of the ochre,
including that of his past lives.

This fit with the virgin arrival to a marriage that was going to be forever of the romantic novels of
my childhood.

This proposal was so attractive to my young mind... At last it seemed to me to have found a
religion that justified me in what I felt about sexuality. I became part of a new religious
movement, full of people who, in addition, could base it academically. It took me twenty years to
realise that my spiritual need did not necessarily have to do with a religion or a secular
movement, but that in reality I was a seeker. But I discovered that much later, when I met my
teacher, Claudio Naranjo.

Compete, above all compete

Something that has always been present in my life is my passion for competing. As a child, I
had no order or discipline, so the message was clear: I had to be intelligent over any other
quality. Intelligent and strategic to survive, to have a place in the family. And throughout my
history this is reaffirmed in a consistent way, in every act, in every thought, in every relationship,
in every

Contact.

My specialty is always about emotions, the issues of co-reason. I was interested in romances,
the sentimental life of people and the art of rhetoric. I also liked to listen to conflicts and
Continuing with the competitive atmosphere that was breathed in my family, where it was
necessary to stand out, you had to show off in some aspect. Money was important, but even
more so university degrees, awards and social recognitions. C., the oldest of all my cousins, has
five university professions: doctor (like his father, his grandfather, his great-grandfather...;
graduate in Political Science, graduate in International Relations, professor of English (and
French, Italian, Portuguese) and public hammer. It's an example.

As for me, I entered university at the age of seventeen; my aunts had advanced me a year from
kindergarten: they had that possibility because my aunt S. was one of the teachers of the in-
child school. And although it was difficult to get that permission, my oral competencies raised no
doubts. Then I lost that year with my first university choice: without a doubt, I was not mature.

Thus, I began the Pharmacy career at the Catholic University, private, which at that time was
one of the most prestigious in the country. We were more than a hundred students and I was
just thinking of attracting everyone's attention, so I began to sneese again and again.

Everyone turned to look at me and there I stopped: objective fulfilled. At least, it would be "the
one they sneeed.

But I left the race at the end of the first year: my concerns were not aligned with chemistry.
Fortunately, before saying goodbye to that college I met one of my best friends, M. I came from
a religious environment in which we did not even dare to mention words such as "bisexuality" or
"homosexuality". However, I began to accompany M. to ambiance bars. She slept at home quite
often and loved to talk when we went to bed. His presence filled me a lot.

And one night, when I was looking for me to confess my intimacies, she confessed to me that
she liked women and that she was going to leave her lifelong boyfriend because she was in love
with me. I stayed in checkers, I couldn't believe it. At that time we were finishing both of our
respective careers, I was still a girlfriend with ].

I don't remember if it was necessary for me to tell him that I didn't; but from there something was
released between us. I no longer felt her need to be intimate with me as an excess; now that I
understood what was happening, I could relax and feel closer to her because we shared her
secret-

1st and that made me feel special. And she totally freed herself, and we decided to share
everything thoroughly. He told me that she had hopes with me because he knew that my sex life
with J. was disastrous. And that was because I hadn't tried with women. That I was convinced
that I would find my true identity there...
I found my vocation: psychopedagogy

My particular vocational orientation process began with a newspaper clipping brought to me by

my cousin, who announced that registrations for the Psychopedagogy career were open. She
suggested that I go and see what it was about. Nothing made me presage that I had found the
beginning of a professional path that would take me along many trails.

From eighteen to twenty-four it was a quite satisfying stage of my life. I had found a place in the
world: love and vocation. In the faculty, I was again in a predominantly feminine environment, in
teachers and students; nevertheless, the climate was completely different: we were there
because we had chosen it. I loved the classes, and having basic notions of philosophy and
other subjects, I could afford the luxury of questioning the teacher and asking questions that
generated debates in the classroom. I was starting again to implement my tendency to
Generate controversial or even conflicting movements in the group. Standing out and becoming
the teacher's favourite in the subjects that interested me was a constant at that stage of my life,
and I continue to act like this in some environments.

Again, my pattern was activated in front of group and institutional life: First, it is essential for me
to have identified all the roles; and, second, I think about how to establish the strategy to
conquer those who interest me and thus cover my needs. Regarding the faculty, I was only
interested in the best ones, and luckily they were almost all there, with few exceptions.

I soon became an assistant professor of two of my favourite subjects, with two of the teachers I
liked the most, Philosophy and Ethics, and Occupational Vocational Orientation.

There I discovered my taste for being behind the one you know. I was nourished by his know-
how and solved his resource management and agenda needs. Perhaps that's why I chose this
field as a specialty; finally, it was a balance between the agenda of the oriented and the design
of personalised proposals to guide you.

It is interesting to see now, in retrospect, how each trail opened a new one. After the summer, I
learned that a new career was being opened, the Teaching in Education of Minors in
Destlessness and Social Conflict (yes, a rather Argentine name). And, in parallel with the
studies of Psychopedagogy, I enrolled in this new career. Orienting myself towards working with
minors connected me deeply with my own childhood: The stories of the children I began to
accompany resembled my own history, but they lacked a moderately containing family, as was
my case. That led me to give a new value to all my uncles and aunts, cousins and cousins:
thanks to them I was not supervised by institutions of minors or in a situation of living on the
street.

I was moved by the need for empires to save those children, to be able to give them something
of what they gave me. So I participated in the possible practises from the first year of the
course, asking Special permits, since the first grade students were not authorised to do
internships. But I resorted to the fact that I was in second in Psychopedagogy and managed to
introduce myself to the institutions. So I could be accompanying minors for five years in
reception centres and institutes for minors in conflict.

I convinced several teachers to make open book evaluations, because the only thing that gave
me time pursuing several careers was to read; he didn't give me life to make notes. In the last
year I got ten in almost all subjects and, as my family expected of me, I ended up with an
average of 8.5, a grade that did not equate with the averages of 9.9 of my cousins, but it was
already closer.

At the beginning of the career of Teacher of Minors, I fell in love platonically with two teachers.
The coordinator of the career, a very religious widower with six children, had everything: he was
serious, intelligent, attractive and morally impeccable. The other was a very renowned
psychoanalyst who worked in courts: sexy, also intelligent, warm, flexible, friendly and smiling.

In my fantasies with the first, I became the mother of his bijoux. The second one was liked by
the whole class, and he, of course, allowed himself to be loved, so it didn't fit with my marriage
fantasies:

Only someone who was exclusively for me was worthy of being fan-taised. But, curiously, from
the first one I only received congratulations.

Instead, I discovered that the second knew how to listen, and towards the end of the career I
began a therapeutic process with which it would help me end my relationship with J., my first
real and formal lover, after a five-year relationship.

The last time I saw my father

At that time, at the age of twenty-four, my father again gave signs of life. He called me on the
phone at my aunt S.'s house and told me that He wanted to see me. We met at a bar; she had
learned that she was a professional and she wanted to congratulate me on it. I hardly remember
the

You'll eat, faith, I've eaten it, you're legendary

Me; his melause and seductive voice caused me rejection; I don't remember how long we
shared, maybe an hour. But I didn't know where I was coming from or where I was going. The
conversation was about my studies and my future, and he seemed interested, but everything
seemed strange to me; the last time I had heard from him I was fifteen years old.

A few specific appearances without content left me cold and indifferent. I would not resume
contact with him until sixteen years later, when I was already at another time in my life.

As it was not enough with everything I was already doing, I signed up for the Law degree, with
the excuse of helping ]. to study. A mixture of companionship and competitiveness emerged
between us, I could not say in what proportion; but I do remember that, from my good exams,
he was activated and began to advance in the race.
That's how we were for three years, but thanks to the work with my therapist I realised that, on
the one hand, I was competing with him to show that he was brighter, more intelligent and
studious; and, on the other hand, I had taken Law classes as a stage to show off with
controversial speeches that put in trouble some teachers who did not seem worthy of
admiration; in short, they deserved it, because I wondered why they were there teaching if they
were not the best. More carde, we could say, "karma" has returned me to similar scenarios in
my own profession as a university teacher, with students who behave like I did.

But the most weighty reason to study law was that I wanted to become a successor worthy of
my mother, and as a cla, to defend minors. When I saw him, in therapy, I left Law and focussed
on finishing Psychopedagogy and Teaching of Minors. And it was good that it was like that,
because this lowered my relationship with J., placing us each on a different professional plot.

Apparent new beginning

J. proposed that I go to live with him in Mcrán, to recover as a couple, but with the very idea of
staying forever in the town I got dizzy. However, he agreed to go and live in Salta, which is one
hundred and fifty kilometres from Meran. I settled in my uncle's apartment, and J. came to see
me every weekend. On the ground floor of the building there was a very chic place, Soon I told
him that I was sorry but that we had to finish. He couldn't believe it, he even proposed to me,
but by then it had already become clear to me that I didn't want to know anything about getting
married, or having children and not being plowed to anything or anyone; I was shot.

Now, finally alone, free and independent, I began a new stage of my life. I soon started a private
consultation treating children diagnosed with gifted people and adolescents with a demand for
vocational and occupational guidance. I felt comfortable and protected living and working in the
same space, and I only went out to buy what was necessary and take refuge at home again. I
still didn't know anyone in Salta, I had no friends or family ties.

I assumed that my father's family would live somewhere in Chile that I didn't know; part of my
mother's family was one hundred and fifty kilometres away, in the town of Metán; and the other
part, nine hundred kilometres away, in Córdoba.

Taking care of childhood and adolescence became difficult for me.

Now I can realise that my shortcomings in those stages and my ignorance create an
impediment when I tried to go beyond the techniques I controlled. My only advantage, and for
which I imagine that I supported the patients a little, was my good relations with the parents and
with the teachers of the centres. I realised that mine was more with the adult world than with the
child, and I began to look for another alternative within psychopedagogy, For several months I
continued in the cave. But looking for alternatives to the consultation I found a job as a teacher
at the Jean Piaget Institute, which at that time was the only one that offered this career. The
family and loving welcome of the owners of the Institute, a mother and her two daughters,
added to my enthusiasm for centre In teaching. Suddenly he had another false family with
whom he compared a little more than a simple labour relationship. I felt valued and supported.
But the little warm of ambition is always in motion: As soon as I feel that I can reach a Syrian, an
internal voice appears that tells me that I need something else. I could have kept the
consultation and the classes. But no, it is always lurking the possibility of going to History, of
being great, of transcending, of being remembered for a great work, something that affects the
whole world. A professional activity where the social world was so limited was definitely not an
interesting life for me.

Parallel to my social voracity, in privacy I had no friends and I lived in relative isolation. So I had
become a partner of Blockbuster and locked myself up all weekend to do a movie marathon. I
had the daily routine of going to the shopping centre and my personal therapy consisted of
visiting all the clothing stores, trying on all the models that caught my attention and buying
everything that suited me.

Every day I ate the same thing, in a complete neglect of my nutrition. An oversight that I
continue to maintain as I write this biography. Personal care requires much more love for myself
than I felt and feel towards myself.

Finally, making friends and friends

After a while I met L., an absolutely charming architect with whom we are still friends. There was
a very nice connection from the beginning; he was so funny, intelligent and witty that I didn't
stop laughing with him. He introduced me to his friends and took me to the bar that his brother
A. had, a year older than him, also funny and intelligent, but with a halo of having lived a lot of
life, like back from everything, although he was only three years older than me.

First level of ambition: directing

At the age of twenty-six, I presented myself to a position of principal of the San Ignacio de
Loyola Private School, a school with discipline problems, something for which I felt prepared by
my experience with institutionalised minors. Today I find it incredible that at no time did I feel
insecure when it came to applying as a candidate, since I competed for the position with
professionals who had experience as managers. The reality of the students was quite complex,
they resembled more institutionalised minors than school students, and that was the main
argument of my candidacy: I think my experience in juvenile centres was what convinced them.

My initial proposal was to make a diagnosis of the situation, interviewing each of the teachers,
which resulted in my proposal to change all the staff. Most wanted to leave school because they
had been holding a situation for several years Difficult and they were left to change centres, so I
negotiated their compensation and the owners of the school agreed. We all won, for my part, I
would have a new team formed by me and I would not have to deal with the inheritance of the
previous management.

So a long recruitment process began, I prepared a written questionnaire, an interview model

and then I presented the profile reports for the final selection.
I look back and see my absence of fear in the face of a situation with no previous experience
and where others believed that I knew what I was doing. The team I chose was very good, but it
was more of intuition than reason. The only drawback was that all people were older than me,
and that meant working my authority. The turning point came when, in the first week of class, I
expelled five students who had assaulted the school kiosk. There I laid the foundations of my
authority, both for the teachers and for the students: by throwing out the most conflicting.

The average age of the faculty was forty years. Therefore, there was less age distance between
the difficult kids that remained and me than between the teachers and me. Given my experience
in juvenile centres, the teachers sent undisciplined students to my office, which brought two
consequences: I had no time left to manage the pedagogical project; and the teachers, for
comfort or disability, completely delegated the authority over the students to me. Due to
inexperience, I took that responsibility exclusively, since deep down it was what I knew how to
do. Soon we began to have a reputation that the school could with the complicated cases and
with those expelled from other schools.

Another quality that I had was that I knew how to contain the difficult fathers and mothers,
including those of whom I expelled in the first week, whom I got a place in other centres. This
gave me a reputation as a fair person, but in reality I did it because I wanted to look good with
everyone and, above all, to show me how the Saviour. When I focussed more on students and
families, everything went to pcor: I was not being a director, and I was not the right person. It
would not be the first time that I convince myself and others that I am capable, and then become
evident.

Second level of ambition: looking for a job, nothing is impossible

I decided then that it would be pertinent to write a letter to the governor of the province of Salta,
explaining the deficits of his minority policy, because as a result of the situation experienced at
the school I contacted professionals and institutions and I was able to get an idea of some
improvements in that policy. What is still a mystery to me is what part of the content of that letter
got the secretary of the Secretary of the Governor to summon me to a

Interview.

I remember that he asked me challenging questions about my letter, and that I put myself in a
competitive attitude. But, fortunately, she saw in me something beyond my arrogance and
ostentation of knowledge, and wisely gave me a warning: "I think you can bring a new air to the
Directorate of Family and Minority, but if you talk to the secretary of the governor as you have
spoken to me, forget to enter this Administration."

Indeed, the secretary worked as a first minister: He was a porteño strategist, everyone feared
him because there was nothing the governor did without his consent, everything went through
the hands of that man. So I was going to present myself to the maximum filter. Luckily, I already
had the warning, and I behaved in a very prudent and restrained way. Then she told me that I
would be the advisor to the director of Family and Minority of the province. That meant that he
would advise the director, a gynaecologist, regarding all programs and institutions for minors. I
couldn't believe it, I went from frustrated school principal to the high levels of government.

I got into contact with a very large technical team in which there was everything. Very prepared
people, but also burned, because they did not want to be led by a gynaecologist who had no
idea, and even less for a twenty-seven-year-old newcomer who remained as if she went every
day to a ficsta, never repeated a outfit, and whose miniskirts and necklines were quite striking
for the past ladies of weight and mothers of families who made up the majority of the Minority
team.

Later I would understand the importance of my appearance and my attitude in the deep
rejection I provoked, but at first I saw nothing or anyone, I went to my ball, I was not aware of
my intense seduction towards everything that moved, mainly authority; and since they were
men, I succeeded. I was aware of my desire to attract attention, but I did not see it as a
seduction, because that would have placed me in the place of a person in need of the gaze of
others, something I would never have recognised.

Third level of ambition: transforming the direction

I started working with strategic planning, in which I was training. Of course I played by ear; the
ones they controlled were S. and C., two techniques trained in Buenos Aires with great
knowledge and experience in that tool. I think it was an interesting meeting for both parties:
Through them, I would be able to make changes effectively, and they, an interlocutor who had
direct access and the trust of the director. Thus we begin a period of transformations in the
Secretariat.

It was not easy, there were resistances of all kinds, especially the techniques with more
trajectory in the area. I didn't see them or listen to them; I was going at a different speed. The
only thing he wanted was to transform the direction from top to bottom, applying the model of
the training he was receiving from the UN and the IMF.

Fourth level of ambition: Ferro Group

Soon my name came to the governor's ears, through a speech about childhood that the
Secretary of Social Development asked me for. My text had caused a great impact and they
asked who had written it. Thus, I was invited to take the methodological aspect of what would
later be called Grupo Ferro, formed by the new generation of politicians that the governor was
recruiting for its collection. In this way I began to meet many lawyers, economists, engineers,
doctors, architects, sons of influential politicians and technicians specialised in different areas of
governance. She was again one of the youngest in the group, but since 80 percent of the group
were men, she had the advantage of having her attention.

Above all, what attracted attention was that I didn't have any godfather. However, it allowed me
to speak to equal judges, deputies and ministers. In fact, I didn't even feel inhibited in front of
the governor, and now I understand that it's because no one recognised him as an authority:
Everyone seemed unworthy or immoral to me in some sense, I knew their weaknesses and
missed them before my eyes.

I acted like someone who has a great godfather, as if he were untouchable; I opined freely
without being afraid or feeling pe-quera before anyone. Someone once told me that she looked
like God's counsellor. That I acted as if I only had to respond to him... but not for him to tell me
what he had to do, but for me to give God the orders.

Something similar happened to me personally: Despite receiving male insinuations almost daily,
I did not pay attention to any. Therefore, he kept me in an immaculate, pristine place. I felt
equality with men and with some professionally masculinised women like me. This led me again
to a loneliness of informal ties, because in the end my relationship with the men and women that
I considered worthy was from the competition; I could not relax with anyone, or show weakness
or vulnerability. She was under thirty years old and acted like the veteran.

During that period I met several single, committed and married men. My basic interest was to
feel desired: I took the situation to the limit where they unfailingly proposed sex to me, and then
it was the signal to leave. I note in this an attempt to preserve a certain "virginity", which has to
do with a disconnection of my libido, in addition to the fact that I cannot conceive sex without
love. In fact, only if I feel loved is there any possibility of sexual access.

I was convinced at that time that I was not made to have a partner, far from it, children. It helped
me to think that the Traditional Argentine prototype was not for me, and even less the salte-ño,
basically macho, where the place of the woman was always one step behind the man. The
woman could be professional, work and have positions of responsibility, but the man took
liberties that she could not have. So my life was going to be focussed on my studies and my
profession.

Expanding the oasis

With all the different jobs I had had so far and with my amazing ease to engage in conversation
with anyone anywhere and at any time, I had my phone book full of diversity. He lived on a
seventh floor with beautiful views of the foothills of the Andes, which made it the ideal place to
organise epic dinners, mixing all kinds of people: fortune tellers, sorcerers, transvestites,
yuppies, therapists, journalists, etc. It was the ideal breeding ground for the possibility of buying,
with my friends V. and T., a bar to enter our lives. There we could gather friends of all kinds,
centralise nightlife and keep the weekend productively busy.

The bar was beautiful. It was called El Caldero. We became the first bar that brought live bands,
from Thursday to Saturday, of jazz, blues and rock. Considering that Salta is a province where
folk music is predominant, it was really a very new proposal. As I continued to work for the
government, we had illustrious visitors such as the Minister of Finance, the principal of the
governorate, who came with all his team and, of course, we closed the bar for them.

At that time I also had a taxi, only as an investment, which I would compare with A., my partner
without the right to touch, who, as I said, also had a bar and began to organise concerts in pa-
ralelo. The emergence of competition diminished the business and for a Time we became the
bar where the musicians came when the concerts in other bars ended; they said it was their
favourite bar. Then the "zapadas" emerged: musicians from different bands arrived, with their
instruments, and new melodies were improvised.

They were unique moments, it was like having a personal soundtrack; I think it was the best
moment of the Caldron, it was filled with a bohemian, artistic ambiance: the home of the
musicians.

Little by little I saw that the political issue was being rarefied, that the crisis was approaching.
You could already see the beginning of the end, although not all people were aware of it. I
realised that I had to look for other options and I began to think about the possibility of changing
countries and Spain entered my plans. It was also a key moment in my professional life. I had
reached the ceiling, there was nothing higher that interested me, because climbing more would
have implied a level of commitment to the ruling party that I was not willing to assume, since
corruption was everywhere.

The specific request for me to join the party then arose.

I understand it now as a way to prove how faithful I was to the cause.

There I realised that I did not want any binding or permanent link; in addition, I had information
with which I was not interested in getting involved. I said then that I was going to take a
sabbatical year in Spain to continue training and bring new tools. It was credible; at that time I
didn't even know I wasn't going to come back.

I had my family, a house, a name, a place in society and politics, and surely today I would be in
some position of high responsibility. But I was missing something and I didn't know what.

Until I met Claudio Naranjo.

Diagnostic Research Merodes in Education. At thirty, it was like having eighteen again. I found
an apartment with two girls, two hundred metres from the faculty. Economically I was resolved, I
had the savings of my whole life, in addition to my mother's pension; I didn't need to work. I
could dedicate myself only to studying, to be the eternal student again.

At the end of 2001, the corralito was produced in Argentina. All my money was left there.
Overnight I didn't have a penny available, and that led me to start from scratch again. I tried to
work in a Mexican restaurant, but I lasted one night.

As a postgraduate degree was not enough, I had also signed up for a master's degree at the
Francisco de Vitoria University and an expertis at the UCM. It was like in my time as a university
student, when I was studying three careers at the same time. I now see my need for intensity: it
was not enough with a career. Luckily, from the master's degree they proposed that I introduce
myself to one of the scholarships available in the internship exchange. That would mean a
resident permit and an income with which to continue the postgraduate courses I was doing.
I got an interview at one of the companies of Unión Fe-nosa, Soluziona. I entered as an intern
and in six months I was promoted to Education and Training Manager. That brought me several
disadvantages with other colleagues who took years to do the process from intern to junior
consultant, senior consultant, project manager and manager.

It is as if in my internal foral I felt a deep lack, which is the engine of my false abundance, and I
had to fill it with merits, domination, self-importance, greatness... I have a lot of confusion about
where the border that separates the truth from the lie is; what I really worth and know, what I am
not worth or able to do for. There are times when I believe the stories that I tell and that I tell
myself, and others in which I see that I have managed to deceive about my talents.

I know my husband

Also in 2001 I met my future husband. The first time I saw him was at his house. I rang the
doorbell and he opened it. When I looked into his eyes, I heard a heavenly choir of angels sing
and I seemed to see a res-

Glide of light coming out of his back. It was ral the impact that in va-

A few hours I couldn't pay attention to anything else.

So handsome, with the sweetest look I had ever seen in my life, his kindness was reflected in
his face. Over time, as he got to know him more, his virtues increased: generous, kind, prudent,
hardworking, organised, good son, good brother, good friend... Years later he also became the
best father. In short, a perfect man. From my idealisation, he represented a combination,
enriched, of all the qualities I liked of the people I had met throughout my life. I was also aware
of the long road I would have to travel to live up to that idealisation.

Eighteen years have passed, and we have shared and overcome countless crises, some very
deep, but today I can say that I would choose it again, because thanks to the teachings I
received later, I have understood that this choice of couple is a spiritual path.

My seven-year yuppie

Working in the multinational opened me to a dimension that I already knew, but in a European
version. It was a small political world, supported by patriarchy, based on hierarchies, machismo,
power games with sides and rumours from the backstage. Again I was in my sauce, I knew what
the matter was about. And to be in tune with the atmosphere, I bought suits, bags, shoes and
glasses that combined wonderfully with my red convertible, "hair in the wind" model.

It fit perfectly into my new job, I entered the world of business consulting, I began to travel in
Spain to sell and develop quality projects, environment and occupational risk prevention. In an
emerging and very competitive environment, I had to learn a lot in a short time; no one asked
me how much I knew about quality; they directly sent me to evaluate organisations.

I specialised in the area of quality. The official formation of the

CEG Club of Excellence, allowed me to be a licensee of the EFQM Model, which enabled me
for what I liked the most: listening to problems and proposing creative solutions, telling
organisations what they did wrong and how they had to correct it. They obeyed me and thanked
me. Oh, it was perfect! My ego danced with joy...

My name began to circulate in the university environment; then, in study groups; and then, in
public administrations. I was starting again to make myself known technically and politically, by
linking professionals and organisations. One of my main skills was to make a bridge.

But I only lasted two years at Soluziona. The reasons? The competitive environment, where I
did not get everyone's admiration, the difficulty of relating to the feminine and, therefore, of
creating bonds with my colleagues, and the total absence of admiration for my bosses. Also the
absence of motivation, since quality systems did not actually generate a real transformation of
the people who supported them, but only an improvement in the formality and language with
which they were present.

My departure from the company came as a result of a conversation with one of my immediate
superiors, which made me realise that I had ascended too quickly and that I had reached a roof
again. In six months I had managed to move from intern to manager, but I wanted more, and I
was informed that it was not possible. My interlocutor told me: "Do you see any women in the
positions that interest you? Well, it's no coincidence. All you have left is Continue to specialise
to handle more and more products, but I would not aspire to more in your place." It was a good
limit.

Then I started again from scratch as a freelancer. Taking advantage of the relationships that I
had developed in the various groups to which I belonged, I managed in a short time to be a
trainer, consultant, evaluator and collaborator in the organisation of events in various teaching
confederations, adding to my credit more than two hundred educational centres, from the
children's to the university level, from all over Spain. My income was higher than my husband's,
and this gave me a license to move and be out as much as I wanted. Again in my selfish sauce.

He travelled a lot giving training and participating in the coordination of early childhood
education conferences and congresses. I was able to further develop my political, strategic and
communicative competencies, which made me famous among my colleagues. I was full, the
centres wanted more training with me, and I had to invent new courses as soon as I finished the
previous one. They said that I injected creativity into their vein, and I was completely happy, I
had everything: A couple who admired me and money that was only the result of my effort and
with which I could finance all my whims and cover theirs as well. However, as always, I was
missing something, and some things did not work wonderfully well or were they totally perfect.

The first clicks

Suddenly, at the age of thirty-six, the biological clock began to emit a forceful tick. It was a
critical moment, because we were both professionally on the crest of the wave, but I managed
to convince him and I immediately got pregnant.
This found us totally green and I was invaded by a wave of anxiety, lack of maternal ignorance
that I can see now, From a distance, although at that time I didn't know. Being pregnant is the
best physical condition for me. For the first time in my life I was able to relax with my body: I no
longer had to wear heels or completely tight clothes. My breasts overflowed and I felt constantly
accompanied, it was wonderful. I didn't feel any typical pregnant indisposition either, I felt better
than good.

I tried to replace with books and workshops that which I did not have a personal experience of:
motherhood. I took a course with a paediatrician and an obstetrician gyncologist, which would
later be very famous in environments respectful of natural parro. In fact, the first patient of the
paediatrician was my firstborn. From there he was a key person in the accompaniment and
support in my mother, because my son had various symptoms. From his hand, I entered the
world of homcopathy and met all kinds of professionals linked to aetiotherapy, osteopathy,
anthroposophic rhythmic massage, eurythmia, Pikler-Lóczy pe-dagogy, and day mothers and
doulas. I began to connect with more psychopedagogical than entrepreneurial aspects.

Twenty-two months later, my second daughter arrived. I didn't breastfeed either of them,
something I deeply regret. I was completely deraged: I had done all kinds of workshops and
courses of a natural upbringing that I could not sustain in the real of my daily life. It was
impossible for me to embody the knowledge acquired.

And suddenly, one day, click!: My partner has a motorcycle accident, his left collarbone bursts,
just his shoulder where he was resting my head to fall asleep.

He could not, as a result, get personal care such as showering or getting dressed, without help,
and neither do household chores or carry the children. At that time I realised how absent I was
in my family, because my work required many trips and intensive schedules, when I returned
when the children were already sleeping. I had a husband and two children who didn't I saw and
didn't know what their needs were. I understood that accident as a message from the universe,
undoubtedly for him, but also for me.

It was like seeing everything he was carrying, while he was out there, in a more masculine than
female role.

In synchrony, I had received from a group of my university students a work on contemporary

thinkers linked to education. The authors were known to me, since they repeated almost the
same every year, except for one: Dr. Claudio Naranjo, a man whose existence he did not know.
I started looking for information about him and began to hallucinate with his videos on the
Internet. It had been a few years since he had published the book Changing education to
change the world. And suddenly, I saw that his foundation was organising a four-and-a-half-day
course called Introduction to the Psychology of Enneatypes, and there I went. My colleagues
asked me what it was about and I told them: "I have no idea, but here I go."

The SAT Program

It was amazing what I found when I arrived at the course, coming from my yuppie world. I
landed up in my eight-centimetre heels perfectly combined with my bag and my tight suits and
my matching glasses. And suddenly I entered a room where everyone was barefoot. And not
only that, they were lying on the floor! Between carpets and cushions. It almost gave me
something.

My first thought was: "Where did I go?" Urgently, I looked for a chair. There were very few
available for the amount we were, but, with the skirt so short I was wearing, I couldn't afford to
be on the floor, God! The other issue is how people were dressed. They looked like they were
taken from a picture from the sixties. All in tracksuits, with long hairs, braids, dreadlocks,
beards, gray hair, without waxing... My God, these people had not visited A decent hairdresser
in his life, and I, of course, came from

Longueras.

From that moment on, I didn't even see them coming. In my mind there was no logical thought.
It was just a bund of emotions that went in and out and I didn't even know what was going on. I
remember that some colleagues talked to the therapists because they were worried about how I
was reacting to the different exercises that were proposed. Almost all the participants came
from gestalt therapy, or were therapists, or had made family constellations, or came from other
processes of personal development. I seemed to be the only one who had no idea where I was.

As the days went by, I was clearer that I had found something very big. For the first time in my
life, information did not enter through my mind, through my understanding. I took noras, but it
didn't matter, because there was no talk of a content that could be caught, as something fixed. It
was my body that understood, and that understanding was something that I could not explain in
words, but that I expressed with emotions. I couldn't remember how long I hadn't cried my
wounds from such a dull pain.

The therapists in the workshop were Assumpta Mateu and the beloved and remembered
Ramón Resino. The last day I approached him and told him:

"Don Ramón, I think that for Claudio Naranjo it would be interesting to get to know me."

I still remember his face. He was stunned and then laughed, very carifously: "Of course! I will
put you in touch with Asunta Hormaechea, who is in Madrid, so that he can put you in touch with
him. Then I asked him where he could continue training and what therapist he recommended
me to start a personal process, and he suggested that I do the next level of training: the SAT1.
He also provided me with the names of Paco Peñarrubia and the Escucla MadriLeña of Gestalt
Therapy, and Pedro de Casso. And that's where I went.

Claudio Naranjo

Shortly after finishing the Introduction to the Psychology of Enaetypes course, I went to
Barcelona to meet the one who would be my teacher, Claudio Naranjo. I had not realised, until
that moment, that with so much search what I was really longing for was to have a teacher, a
reference. Until then I had felt neither the opportunity, nor the need, to admire anyone. On the
contrary: any authority I had encountered was quickly relocated underneath. From seduction,
intelligence, competition or morality, I managed to feel above.

We are at the headquarters of the Claudio Naranjo Foundation.

I remember that he looked at me and smiled at me briefly. Then I walked with my head down
and looked at me sideways: first my hands, then my neck. I never asked him why, but I imagine
that I was trying to identify myself caracterally and that I still did not know where I was leaning
towards. As soon as we crossed the first words and I told him that I wanted to do a research
project with him in the field of education as the basis for my doctoral thesis, my ambition should
have been visible.

Luckily we were with other people, because I was almost silent, except to answer their direct
questions. Given my verb-rrea, I didn't understand what was happening to me: I was like in
shock. His attitude was observant, silent, and he spoke without frills or the typical phrases that
we can use when we first met. That left me dry, I wasn't used to it. I had a speech prepared of
everything I was going to tell him to show him how much he had read from his books and how
intelligent he was with my observations and questions about his thinking. But there was no
place. Luckily, the others occupied the silence, and this made me think that it was going to be a
very short meeting, but I still didn't get the words, not even thinking that I was However, Claudio
invited me to eat with them. The conversation became light and simple, no one talked about
fundamental or transcendent things. And I was still silent, answering questions as I looked at my
plate. I felt completely unknown.

Then, when the desserts arrived, Claudio told me: "You can check the foundation's deposit to
see what you find," And so our meeting ended. At least it seemed that, if I found something
interesting, I could have the opportunity to see him again.

I arrived at the headquarters warehouse and, in an endless world of boxes full of papers, I got
comfortable checking one by one, so I found various batteries of tests and many and varied
responses to different forms, which I was sorting and ordering in separate boxes. At the end of
the day he had managed to gather all the batteries, the answers, the factor analysis and copies
of nine groups of sheets that contained in each game about three hundred phrases grouped by
each of the nine eneatypes. I could not imagine how happy Claudio would be for this, because it
was a material that he gave from the eighties and was typewritten. I see this as a very small
symbolic example of his legacy, which still remains to be ordered, classified and organised, and
which is still partly in boxes, video tapes or CDs.

I wish I hadn't deviated from this path of investigating with him.

In my fantasy, I would have managed to help him in this area where, apparently, he had no
help, and I would also have been able to finish my thesis, even today unfinished. But the neon
lights are too attractive and I stumbled on the same stone other times.
Luckily, there would be more opportunities to collaborate with Claudio. His desire was to get a
personality test with 27 5-calas, one per subtype of the psychology of the enearips, instead of
describing only five dimensions of personality, like Ray-mond Cattell. Thus, we started working
with 240 items, although in recent months Claudio was investigating the option of working with
300. I was convinced that, if we selected Correctly the adjectives and phrases that I had found,
and we crossed them with the results of the NEO Pi grouped by subtypes, we would get a test
that could more accurately confirm specific traits by subtypes, an instrument that so far does not
exist and that hopefully can be achieved in the future, researching on

His legacy.

We formed a team with Javier Hernández de la Luz, Susan Sylvester, Mónica Bustos, Antonio
Castillo, my husband and I, with the aim of taking advantage of the eventual voluntary
participation of the SAT students to pass both tests, the NEO and the 240 adjectives, and we
met in Zamora for the occasion. My husband computerised the instrument, but we never
managed to use it:

I had a hyperneurotic-creative outbreak and, without realising it, I took another course...

I literally transcribe Claudio in one of our emails in August 2011: "I will be very interested in
hearing your proposals in view of bringing teachers closer to the dream of a new education for
the renewal of our world in crisis." And only with that phrase the tsunami was unleashed. I see
now my voracity: I became a machine of ideas. To every thing he proposed to me, I proposed
another one. Every video of him I watched or every text I found inspired me with new proposals.

It was so easy for me to get passionate about every email, meeting, call or Skype, that I wanted
more and offered more. I think I became a stalker: I wrote to him every week, and he answered
me kindly and so immediately that my ideas overwhelmed me.

Claudio had become a source of inspiration and creativity, and I was a help for his memory of
unfinished business.

Coincidentally, one day we met at the airport: he was going to take his flight to Barcelona, and I,
to Madrid. There we could agree on our next meeting, just a few days later. For then, I already
had a kind of Claudian fever: each exchange opened a new window. And Claudio didn't stop
entrusting me Tasks and more tasks, which I often left to fulfil or I saw myself able to fulfil only
halfway. I couldn't cope with my life, and thanks to the SAT, gestalt and therapy I could start
seeing everything more and more clearly: How much I wanted to cover and how little I could
squeeze. I still feel a deep pain for so many promises that I made to him and that I could not
carry out during Claudio's life, and that I do not know if I will ever be able to fulfil.

A change of life

My arrival at the SAT school and Claudio Naranjo's universe meant many changes. First of all,
on a personal level. But also many others, at a family and professional level. For example, we
had always sent our children to expensive schools, such as the Swiss School, where we had an
intense social life as a family, we organised charity dinners and second-hand fairs in order to
raise funds for soup kitchens, participated in embassy gala dinners, etc.

But at the end of 2013, we had touched our economic fund and we could no longer sustain the
life we led: the rental of an arco in Las Tablas, two cars, two private school fees plus dining
room, extracurriculars, a parking lot in the centre, various insurances, etc. I no longer worked as
a freelancer; I had decided to leave all the clients I had to work only for the Claudio Naranjo
Foundation, which was the only thing that at that time made sense to me. This, added to the
economic crisis, which also affected my husband's company, showed us that we were living
beyond our means. For the first time, I lacked the economic security I had always enjoyed.

The most important criterion for changing cities was for the children to continue with an
education that would support us as a family from a holistic podagogy, as Claudio proposed in
his teacher.

"Normal," I said to myself, "they are flowers..." Two nights later I received a relephon call from
Buenos Aires, from my father's wife, telling me that that Monday the 16th he had died.

Three days had already passed, I was already in a grave, I could not go to the wake, or to the
burial, I had no one to talk to, everyone in my family would be happy with the news... I had a
flight to Argentina twelve days later to see us. All my questions went unanswered, waiting for
the meeting that could never be.

Then I tried to see the glass half full. I thought: my biological father has died, but life has given
me a teacher that I feel like an ideal father. That made me enter into a calm that led me to a
daily fast that lasted for twelve days.

Now that, years more carde, I have also lost my ideal father, my teacher, I feel a deep sadness
but also faith in the future and a huge thank you. The bond with him helped me repair the bond
with my father. I have stopped being an orphan.

SEXUAL TWO ❛ 𝐒𝐞𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 ❜

✧ ㅤㅤ ㅤㅤ ㅤ ㅤˑㅤ ㅤ ㅤㅤ𓈒ㅤㅤ ㅤ

⠀⠀⠀When pride invades or parasitizes the sphere of sexual instinct, the emphasis is on being
irresistible, unforgettable. This sphere is not only that of the sexual relationship, understood as
one of the deepest and potentially pleasurable human bonds of intimacy, but also that of the
affective relationship; me-and-you. In the case of Pride, everything that is emotional is oversized
and nurtures the feeling of superiority. It will be in this affective bond with the other that the human
being's natural instinct for intimacy and pleasure will be most visibly deformed. We are faced with
the most seductive characters, placed at the service of attention, love, struggle and... everything.

⠀⠀⠀Pride’s passion for the sexual instinct manifests itself in a personality that is affectively labile
and superficial, seductive and sexually provocative, almost always intoxicated with love, dazed
and prone to illogical thoughts. Her rash behavior, impetuous ways create social problems and
turbulent relationships. She is histrionic and hypomanic, with a tendency to be monotonous and
frivolous, and capable of creating fantastic images that intrigue and seduce the naive.

⠀⠀⠀It is a character most often found in women. Attractive and dangerous, she dislikes the other
and is expert at whetting the appetite in a way that embodies the archetype of the vampire or
femme fatale, who feeds on it. She manifests many narcissistic personality traits.

⠀⠀⠀He is independent, although he puts a lot of energy into being perceived and recognized as
a special person. And it is precisely this detail that reveals a deep dependence on the other, which
he wants to hide. Dependence that leaves him trapped in the relationship, with the result that he
is not free, despite his efforts to appear wild and autonomous.

⠀⠀⠀The origin lies in having been an eroticized girl (or boy) in the primary relationship with the
mother or father. He received confusing attentions between affection and pleasure. Two
dimensions are naturally linked in the child, but in the case of Two, this nature was diverted to
eroticism due to the lack of clarity in the physical and affective contact with the parents. The girl,
the boy, has thus learned that love passes through sexuality, and that provoking pleasure in the
other is a privileged channel to get attention and, ultimately, to get love.

⠀⠀⠀In adulthood this channel is exclusive, with the consequence that one cannot distinguish
between natural sexual desire and the need to have a loving contact. The sexual instinct takes
over and leads the person to be a slave to the need to be desired in an exclusive way, often giving
up or not knowing how to give adequate space to other satisfactions, such as being cared for or
fulfilled in social, field, or professional life.

⠀⠀⠀ Sexual Two has the ability to make others feel at ease: they are generous, forgiving, and
flattering; but they can also be uncompromising and dismissive when their pride is hurt. Hungry
for intimacy, and always relationship-oriented, they are passionate and agreeable while the
feeling lasts. They are also very sensitive, to the point of getting angry when they feel their pride
is unrequited.

⠀⠀⠀They are endowed with a fascinating, often unconventional aura that they use a lot in their
intimate relationships. They seek excitement, fall “madly in love” easily, and become fleetingly
attached to one person or thing after another. They are vigorous, effervescent, lively, generally
good-humored (though temperamental), active, and impulsively expressive. Very lively in their
gestures but with touches of more or less marked shyness, and with a mimicry that is varied but
not always decipherable by their changeable and ambivalent attitude.

⠀⠀⠀They neglect promises and break contracts. Without internal structure or self-discipline, they
succumb to the temptation of new and exciting stimuli.

As this woman recognizes:

“I want to be the best lover, the best friend, the most creative, the funniest...the best and the best
for my partner. In return, I want you to give me everything. And everything is everything! That’s
what makes me tick and gives meaning to my life. And as soon as I feel that he doesn't give me
“everything”, I start questioning the relationship: “It’s not the same anymore.... It’s not like before”.
I get hurt easily and distance myself. I blame the other for not being up to the task and walk away,
certain that I will find other men who can give me what I deserve. In fact, I always have a secret
agenda of possible candidates that I can call (use) to satisfy my inflated image of myself”. —
ANONYMOUS

⠀⠀⠀Sexual E2 bases his strong relational drive on the need to become wanted through a
generous giving and giving attitude, with the secret desire to make himself indispensable.

2. THE CHARACTERISTIC
NEUROTIC NEED
⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝

⠀⠀⠀Seduction, the word that defines his passion, is, in sexual E2, the desperate attempt to fill the
existential void by reaching an unreal love. The intrinsic belief is: “I am not wanted for who I am,
I have to make myself wanted, I have to be irresistible, I have to unleash my weapons”. But the
affective emptiness is not filled; nothing satisfies it. Hence the continuous search for more and
more intensity.

⠀⠀⠀The Sexual E2 uses seduction to the limit of its possibilities, and in both aspects of the secum
ducere: moving toward the other in order to capture, by this passage, the other for himself. It
sharpens your attention to every detail of the relationship so that you can understand whether you
are loved, and how much, and whether you are considered special. He is always welcoming and
forgiving, even when criticizing the recipient of his love (while knowing how to lash out when he
wants to point out his detachment). Warm, humane, and enthusiastic, he enjoys each other’s
company and is able to care for him to the point of anticipating his needs.
⠀⠀⠀However, he traps himself in the net of capture he weaves, to the point where he is unable
to say no to those who show him their appreciation, ending up in relationships he did not choose.

⠀⠀⠀Tolerant to the point of self-denial, she makes a tenacious effort to realize her dream of love.
But underneath is a great lack of modesty and a sense of superiority over her partner, who drinks
of knowing how to meet her most regressive needs and the firm belief that he can satisfy (and
even change) her more than anyone else.

⠀⠀⠀In fact, this sexual subtype is characterized by a deep conviction of being the ideal woman
or man, the healer of the other’s wounds, or the inspirer of their creativity and success. It has
difficulty realizing how demanding and full of mental reservations it is with others, and
consequently how manipulative its warm welcome is, whose purpose is to arouse the other’s
desire, to confirm “that one is loved unconditionally”.

“Being in a couple, I aspire to leave an indelible mark on their being. To be that special person
who will be remembered with a smile and gratitude...forever. — I am fed up with seeing him happy
and I get credit for that; « Thanks to me » I have a place in his soul that is eternal; I know (and he
will realize too) that I was so special...” — ANONYMOUS.

“Secretly I am proud of his progress, he got it because he was with me, he “passed through my
hands” and so are my results, and that is how I calculate. — May he recognize me for how
important I was to him, unforgettable. Like in the song “Remember me”. Remember me when you
sleep and I guess what you dream, when away from our bed it’s me you think of. Remember me
when you look into the eyes of the past, when I no longer wake up in your arms. Remember me
loving you, looking into your eyes, tying myself to your life. That my soul was tattooed on your
skin”. — ANONYMOUS

⠀⠀⠀Fascinated by himself and by his supposed capacity to pour out rivers of love, this character
claims to always know how to steal other people’s smiles, thus ensuring himself a reference image
with traces of delight and voluptuousness, which will serve as fuel for his ever-increasing release
of seduction.

⠀⠀⠀He seduces, yes, only those who deserve his attention, those worthy of interest. And to
seduce, he flatters, lavishing excessive praise on the other so that the other will do the same, and
reinforces his magnified image with flattery.

⠀⠀⠀On the contrary, he is particularly sensitive to humiliation, with frequent expressions of

susceptibility if he receives a reproach. Instead of taking it with a constructive and sincere attitude,
his pride is easily wounded by his claim to be exceptional. Then anger emerges in the foreground,
expressed as a cynical contempt for someone who, at that moment, is not worthy of his attention.

⠀⠀⠀A specific way of seducing the E2 Sexual is abduction. The prey is separated from the rest
when it falls into the spider’s webs, who neither eats it nor kills it, but entangles it with its thread,
to which it remains attached, and leaves it there until it becomes interested, feeding it, with flattery,
seducing it without surrendering to it, while it continues to weave its web for further conquests,
but without leaving him.

⠀⠀⠀The predator seduces his victim by reducing her field of vision. He tries to manipulate her
way of acting, thinking and feeling, so that she becomes someone to his measure, who meets his
expectations, which is not to say that he wants a “coward”, who would no longer interest him. It is
the ambivalence of, “Be as I want you to be and, at the same time, be yourself so that you can be
worth me”.

⠀⠀⠀A Sexual E2 expands the nuances of seduction:

“I have a whole range of resources and ways that cover up the strategy of seduction, in a range
from maximum self-confidence to sobriety.

My wound is: “Look at me... because I don’t feel seen... or even unloved". I sought my father’s
gaze but experienced it sexualized and was ashamed to feel his pride in me. From then on, I
activate my whole repertoire so that you look at me with very good eyes.

It is a constant and irrepressible search for love (in the form of being seen, accepted and valued
in all its expressions). I try to attract your attention to me and be the center. The worst thing is to
be invisible, or to feel “neutral”. I want to please, leaving an indelible and unique impression. To
impress you.

Seduction involves my whole body, emotion and psyche, and comes automatically and naturally.
There is a preference for pleasing the male, but I make no distinction and it is activated with
women, children... even objects. Anything can be seduced; it can be put into action at any time.

The most important thing in my life is relationships, and I distinguish between seduction:

a) Specific. About someone specific that I find interesting and deserves my attention. I want to
attract him to me, win him over, and activate passion (falling in love and falling for him). Here I
put the point of view on the other person, on being interesting in his eyes; I feel passionate about
the way he looks at me.

b) Indiscriminate. About anyone, as long as it feeds the image of myself, for my own passion. The
reference point is feeling good and looking interesting in my eyes.

• They are usually fleeting contacts, where I use relationships to push myself.
• My letter of introduction is my smile, which is also my most expensive. Years ago, before these
medical-aesthetic advances that exist now, I fantasized that the worst thing that could happen to
me was that my front teeth (the ones I clean most carefully) would be missing.
• I show a smiling, sparkling, youthful, fresh image. Animation, enthusiasm, optimism, and fun; I
constantly make little jokes.
• I sell a sense of freedom and security in myself. Anti norms and welcoming.
• I offer: Attention, time, energy, sense of humor, critical sense, understanding, exclusivity,
companionship, interest in you and your things (at least when I want it).
• I flatter with niceties.
• Welcoming, warm, friendly. I have a kind word for everyone, a complicit gesture, a personalized
advice or message; I try to make you feel comfortable in short distances.
• Exquisitely detailed, meticulous in surprises and an excellent hostess, I entertain with gifts. I
remember people’s names. I like my body, my attributes, move with grace and walk with ease,
swaying, light hips and loose pelvis. Corporally attentive (with body slightly leaning forward, I nod
continuously: I make sure I hear you), gesticulate and make faces and other comical gestures,
with an open gaze; whistle and hum easily.
• On a mental level: loquaciousness, expressive ease, and relaxed, multifaceted conversation. I
speak spontaneously.
• With an open, light, flexible, innocent (not standard or trendy), hippie, chic alternative
appearance, my style is natural and I don’t need additives; just putting on some earrings already
feels good.

According to a friend, whom I asked to describe me, my attractions are: smooth white skin,
generous and healthy curves, I exude voluptuousness; clear and mischievously attractive eyes,
hand gestures, body posture, self-confidence in speech and in boldness (I am driven and do not
retreat, even if I do not know where I am stepping), curious and loving. My warrior attitude also
stands out: with character, confrontational, non-conformist, free.

Another friend confessed to me that “there is nothing as seductive as half-veiled shame”, and I
realized that even shame can be used as a seduction strategy. Examples:

With women: We were in a common training and we met the day before. I was very fond of her
and she had to be away for a few days; I made a display of my charms by preparing for him varied
and careful sandwiches for his trip, anticipating and facilitating the logistics. She was impressed
with my predisposition; today we are great friends.

With psychopaths: My friend used to comment on her fear of meeting a possible psychopath. I,
on the other hand, thought: “Total... He’s just a human”, relying on my personal skills and
resources to dissuade him, even imagining that in five minutes of talking to me he would redeem
himself (“psychopaths for me ...”). This same friend reminded me that she once found me in a
cordial attitude with a girl, and when we said goodbye I told her “And the next time you see me ...
don’t hold me back”. It seems that he approached me in an intimidating way to steal me away,
and I redirected the situation with my seductive skills.

To this day I use “conscious seduction” in my work to relieve tension when conflict arises with
angry users. I am very good. I always have under my hat some laughable or funny comment,
flattery, jokes, and other niceties and courtesies to ease the tension, turning their anger into a
smile.
With men: Either I put them on the pedestal, idealized, object of my desire, or they are
underground and I write them off.

Mechanism of attraction: In the presence of a man who attracts me, I activate a “hunting”
automatism. A radar points to him, and even if his back is turned or he is far away, there is a
thread that connects, an energy that intertwines. It is an instinct where all my senses are activated,
focus and emanate towards the person who is the object of my desire, who remains in my sights.

I follow his trail, like an animal on the prowl, with all my attention focused there, while I am doing
other things (I don’t need to look directly at him); only I know, and I am extremely discreet when
other people are around.

I want her to feel desire for contact with me: laughter, glances, irrepressible desire for romance
and skin touch ...

When contact is established, I want to tighten the thread that keeps us close and I focus, receptive
to any indicator, on that person exclusively; my whole life is focused on her. I try to anchor a
powerful thread in your body that keeps me energetically united to you.

Example: We slept in adjoining rooms, although I hardly slept all night, between the summer heat
and the heat of my body from the excitement of your presence. I felt a desire for contact; I liked
him and his body. Two weeks later I was still torturing myself with the question: “Why didn’t I sleep
with him?”

I want someone who loves me and is very available to me (gives me unlimited attention). As the
song says, “I only want a little bit of your whole life”. I am intolerant of total lack of attention.

Example: Someone picks up the phone and looks at it while he is with me, or doesn’t look at me
when I talk to him, or doesn't gesture confirming that he listens to me with interest.

But there is a fine line: if you are too available, I call you dependent, internally I disempower you
and reject you. And if you don’t listen to me, or are not completely available, I act out my anger
and question, disqualify, or despise you with invalidating comments, looking for your flaws; I can
be very harsh and sharp.

Example: He was aware of me, but he saw me as soft, “he pinched” me, he did what he wanted
with me. I punished him by sleeping with his best friend, giving him the message: “I am not
exclusive to you”. In another similar example, he showed no sexual interest in me, and I took it
out on him by going out with his friend.

I have relentlessly sought the love of a partner, idealizing the man and the relationship. The feeling
of falling in love is like gasoline; when I fall in love, I cling to the illusion of how wonderful, how
ideal it will be. Being in a relationship: “With you I don’t need anything else, the whole world is
this, this is now, this is you. And I make your life easier, supporting you in your projects in
exchange for your constant signs and demonstrations that you are for me, because if not, I’ll
demand them or I’ll end up looking for another offer”.

I am attracted to a man with power, but not so much that I can’t dominate (and manipulate) him a
little. In a therapy session I came up with this pearl: If a man with power falls in love with me, “I
have more power than the one with power. My power is that I dominate the man who has more
power”.

Culturally, power is held by the man. For me, sex is the territory where I can exert control to feel
power. I have used sex life as a bargaining chip and I act on hang-ups and “charge” them in bed,
frustrating, if necessary, the man.

The man is also an object of desire. And through sexuality I feel loved. I want to feel desired, I am
insecure about my desire and I can have difficulty connecting with it (I need the other to activate
it).

Without my desire active, I can play the game of feeling used, but with the satisfaction of being
the one providing the pleasure. I can also victimize myself and then experience the man as the
enemy, the invader, whom I reject and blame as the aggressor and violent, defending the “no” of
women, with the idea of “not selling ourselves to men”.

If I have my desire active, I compete for pleasure, adopting a more masculine role.

The pleasure of contact and intimacy are my weak point. The erotic anticipation of the encounter
permeates my psyche. Eroticism and sensuality are at the service of seduction. Sexuality need
not necessarily be my goal, even if there is sexual provocation and coquetry.

It has been relatively easy for me to cross the barrier of the complicity of friendship into something
more intimate with my friends; going to bed has been a way to maintain the relationship”. —
SONIA GOMA

⠀⠀⠀The person of this character, in fact, more than loving the other, loves herself as a lover, and
love, the strong feeling of being in love. That, as long as the emotion is intense, because otherwise
he doesn't know what emotion he feels.

⠀⠀⠀Seduction is natural to this subtype of Two in that it is based on its underlying ambivalence.
It shows and hides, says “yes” and “no” at the same time, gives and takes, stays and takes, sucks
and bites, loves and destroys. This is the ambiguity of seduction, where is rooted that fluctuation
of attitudes, that fickleness and that sense of force emphatically to the point of inauthenticity,
which emerge in E2 Sexual to testify to a defensive conflict.

⠀⠀⠀And for the other ambivalence, in the pair of opposites activity/passivity. Of the three
subtypes, only the two conservationists exhibit a certain passivity, through a more explicit
dependence on meeting survival needs, while the other two seem more active and independent.
But it is a mask. Below, both the social and, more radically, the sexual E2 are dependent on the
gratifications they receive. And their own exhibitionism can be seen as an expression of this
passivity rather than independence, of ambivalence.

⠀⠀⠀Moreover, in E2 Sexual, this activity/passivity polarity finds a further expression in the

interaction of masculine/feminine. The woman of the sexual subtype, being feminine and
receptive, is stimulated by the appropriation of freedom, which is socially more masculine,
because she also does not tolerate too many limits. Often in her childhood history there is a model
couple with markedly masculine-aggressive and feminine-passive or at least complacent poles.

⠀⠀⠀This type of couple relationship has survived in the psyche, along with a proud form of
revenge against authority, which culturally tends to be male, and which it envies and rejects at
the same time, with the usual ambivalence. She seems to like to give, but in reality demands to
get, defying with her motto: « Si je t’aime, prend garde à tois » as fatal Carmen says. She has a
sense of that subterranean hostility that she projects onto the object of her desire: a male to take
and conquer. And she can compete with that male not only by assuming her aggressiveness
disguised as female seduction (cultivating a kind of psychic androgyny), but also by seducing
women, both in her search for an ideal partner and for the pleasure of testing this other aspect of
sexuality in free and unconventional ways.

⠀⠀⠀Often, the E2 Sexual man also had parents in whom the polarity shown is expressed. As in
the following example:

“My mother used to tell me that her husband was proud of her and put her on a pedestal after she
achieved any of the titanic tasks he was so fond of imposing on her. But soon, since she was not
a divine being and was failing at something, he threw her off. My father was like this: he wanted
not only the most beautiful and desired woman, but also the strongest and most determined,
infallible in his eyes. If not, he would punish her without talking to her for weeks on end”. — LUIS
HERNÁNDEZ

⠀⠀⠀Sexual E2 may find that he envies and despises his two parents at the same time, because
he has felt excluded. This painful experience may be expressed in childhood fantasies of not
being his parents’ child, but adopted, secretly, or something similar.

⠀⠀⠀Through seduction, the sexual boy or girl has learned to get a place, an important place. This
is not just a place in the other, but becomes a place in the world. The repeated compulsion to
seduce is a call to be seen, to feel that you control relationships, to feel that you exist. Only with
seduction do you know how to escape the humiliation of not being considered a person and the
abyss of feeling a huge emptiness.
 3. INTERPERSONAL STRATEGY AND
ASSOCIATED IRRATIONAL IDEAS
⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝

⠀⠀⠀The cognitive world of Sexual E2 is distorted by a central idea of superabundance or false

abundance (a name that defines the fixation common to all subtypes of Two), which supports the
passionate feeling of superiority over others. There is an overvaluation and an interpretation of
reality based on the belief of being able to give more than others, of being a “universal giver”,
especially in the field of love, understanding, care, intimacy...

⠀⠀⠀This self-centered generosity is based on a maneuver to hide one’s own need, one’s own
lack. It is always the other who lacks, and one has to give to the other. It is like being a mother to
the poor children of the world, to the people in need. One sees himself in the other and gives to
him: “I have more than enough and you are lacking, and so he covers his own lack with the other
and with himself”.

⠀⠀⠀In this way, E2 disguises his need for love as a false abundance; his sadness, as joy; his lack
of spontaneity, as impulsiveness; his repression, as freedom; his lack of respect for the other, as
excessive attention and submission; and his lack of commitment translates into false promises.

⠀⠀⠀The interpersonal strategy of the sexual subtype of Two is therefore based on his own
illusions about ways to satisfy his need for love. In their beliefs that:

• You have the right to get love by manipulating and seducing;

• You are exceptional and deserve it immediately;
• What you didn't get yesterday is due to you today;
• To arouse admiration means to receive love;
• Narcissistic self-sufficiency corresponds to real autonomy and freedom; he doesn’t need others
so much;
• He is able to meet the needs of others and be indispensable;
• He is completely predisposed to relationship;

⠀⠀⠀Regarding this last belief, in reality, what he is is quite incapable of creating affective bonds.
In fact, he seems to aspire to precisely what he is most terrified of: the love relationship, which
cannot be fulfilled if one is not very capable of building bonds that tend toward everyday life and
equality.

⠀⠀⠀And yet, your basic strategy is, as we know, seduction, due to the neurotic need to arouse
desire in others. You know very well that in a world where erotic desire is “sold” on the market for
personal success, it is a great strategy to be desired. And no matter how inwardly aware of self-
deception he is, he cannot give up the secondary advantage of contact magic. His skills were
honed over the years, but he forgot that it was a means and not an end in itself.
⠀⠀⠀The associated irrational ideas are “If they don’t want me intensely they don’t love me or I’m
not worth it” and “If they don’t match me in everything, they don't love me or I'm not worth it”.

⠀⠀⠀As we have been saying, the generosity of Sexual E2 hides motivations that are not as
virtuous as they may seem, because it is in the service of an ego of pseudo-superiority: “I have
to give. When you think of himself, you see superabundance. And it continually offers its services
to cover up your deep sense of not having and being powerless, of lack, of inconsistency”.

⠀⠀⠀The irrational ideas associated here are “If I show my need they won’t want me”, “If I show
my lack they will realize I am worthless and abandon me” and “Elders give, they don’t show”.

⠀⠀⠀Another strategy, which belongs more to the conservationists, but is present in all E2
subtypes, is to appear as a good boy, a good girl. It’s a way of not getting into open conflict, of
not confronting, a kind of implicit pact of non-aggression. Nobody wants to hurt a child, much less
if he is good. This strategy stems from the children's learning to make themselves loved in this
way, hiding the bad child. If the good child is what is socially accepted, the bad child is the one
who has not hyperadapted to the desires of others, erasing his own. The good child doesn't want,
or doesn't seem to want, or wants only “desirable things”. There, the bad boy is repressed in the
shadow of the unconscious, along with his instinct.

⠀⠀⠀The associated irrational ideas are “If you are confrontational and show your anger, they
won’t love you” and “If you show yourself as you are, they won’t love you.”

4. OTHER CHARACTERISTICS AND

PSYCHODYNAMIC CONSIDERATIONS
⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝

⠀⠀⠀We have already dealt with seduction, false abundance, self-centered generosity, and denial
of need. Let us now look at other traits that are part of E2 Sexual personality.

⠀⠀⠀Some of them stem from the difficulty of sustaining attacks on his idealized image. This
person finds it difficult to admit her mistakes; she is grumpy to the point of intransigence and nosy
when her pride is touched; and she can become despotic when she perceives that the other
person escapes her.

◯ ◦ Aggressiveness
⠀⠀⠀Sexual Two has difficulty asking. He is unable to ask frankly for fear of appearing human and
not divine, so he lets himself be manipulated or takes a demanding position. He pushes and
invades, takes up more space than his own. And he adopts a posture of narcissistic flattery. The
vital strategy he puts into play evokes obtaining a greater space of attention within his family of
origin.

⠀⠀⠀He is impulsive and his motto is: « Make love and war ». When he goes for a goal he scrapes,
he doesn't look around or know any better he signals his desires, which he confuses with his real
needs. His aggressiveness is expressed in the form of impulse in action. Speak up. Buy with love
or whatever it takes. He sets up scenes and, like E8, the end justifies the means, and the intensity
of the action leads to emotional disconnection, which is why he is sometimes confused with the
lascivious character. All this mechanism hides the difficulty of sustaining frustration, the limit, the
“no” as an insurmountable barrier; a boundary that, by oversizing it, seems humiliating.

⠀⠀⠀The person of this character can become violent, brazen, and dismissive. In private, having
reached a certain level of frustration, he reacts with indifference or leaves without much
contemplation or suffering for a long time. Compensates for the loss immediately by seducing
another candidate, thus covering up feelings of loss, frustration and pain.

⠀⠀⠀In this attitude it differs from Social E2, who expresses aggression in a more intellectual way,
with arguments and explanations. And, above all, from conservation E2, where aggressiveness
is hidden under a childish halo of tantrums and temper tantrums more than as explicit violence,
and can also turn against itself, according to the gestalt mechanism of retroflexion. This is
something we are unlikely to see in a Sexual E2, fully capable of releasing the full impulse.

◯ ◦ Hypersensitive

⠀⠀⠀Pride rests on a magnified self-image that sometimes needs to be defended to the world.
When there is confrontation, criticism, or the slightest attack on this image, the pride reaction is
immediate. The volume of the response has little to do with the stimulus, but is due to its
hypersensitivity.

⠀⠀⠀When an arrow goes through the egoic defenses and directly hits the consciousness,
revealing a lie or falsehood, the hyperreactivity explodes, ner. Before allowing himself to be hurt,
before recognizing this truth, he would dismantle his egoic construct, before the slightest scratch
on his self-image, in an automatic impulse he defends himself by attacking. Pride is said to be an
“easy to hurt” emotional state. It is simply the reaction to an old and primary humiliation that hurt
him as a child and left him unable to distinguish between having boundaries, being criticized, and
being humiliated.
⠀⠀⠀The “thin skin” may or may not be conscious, depending on the degree of maturity. But what
differentiates Sexual E2 from the other subtypes is the “spontaneous” compulsiveness of the
reaction, this automatism of maximum “freedom of expression” of the impulse.

◯ ◦ Idolater of Desire

⠀⠀⠀The passion of E2 Sexual is to feel passion. Passion to be dragged and swept along in the
intensity of an idealized, generalized love. Living the drive gives it meaning and strength, so that
it is difficult to give up any desire or to postpone it, especially that of love. Desire becomes an
uninhibited drive that seeks immediate gratification, with whatever manipulative strategies are
necessary. Thus, it is invasive, fickle and impatient, chasing what it does not yet have but believes
it deserves.

⠀⠀⠀The most important desire is the desire to be loved and satisfied, to be special in love. It is
difficult for an E2 Sexual to accept that what he needs most is what he is least willing to give.
What you need is to learn to love. Well, your difficulty lies in loving, committed and deep
dedication.

⠀⠀⠀Look for a kind of love that meets a neurotic need that can never be satisfied. What he lacks
is what he is looking for now he enters unconsciously, and does so by repeating a deficient form
of love based on seduction and the place it gave him by his parents and in his family. The driving
force is to fill the void, that painful feeling that tells you that not everything is so great or so loving,
that borders on envy and puts the entire egoic structure at risk.

◯ ◦ Impulsive and Without Limits

⠀⠀⠀Someone so wild and impulsive needs freedom. There is a lack of limits, a pleasure in
transgressing the rules, in the name of feeling more than thinking. As a Sexual E2 says: “For me,
slogans are just guidelines”.

⠀⠀⠀There is in this character a phobia of feeling the limits imposed from the outside. His
dependence on the emotional state of the moment gives him an air of freedom that can be
mistaken for true spontaneity and that, in reality, responds to a difficulty in giving up the immediate
gratification of the impulse. This is why it seems incongruous and irresponsible.

The E2 Sexual is already accustomed since childhood to getting what he wants, as an echo of
the Oedipal situation in which he reached a place of intimacy with the opposite sex parent. A place
that did not belong to him and that he achieved through seduction — ambiguously induced by
that same parent —, while displacing the same-sex parent, with whom he usually maintains a
conflictive relationship.
⠀⠀⠀He is the wildest and freest of the Two. Much more than the conservative E2, without going
any further, who adopts a childish posture by giving up much of his freedom to obtain the privilege
of his parents, and has to be more of a good boy or a good girl, which entails a greater loss of his
free and spontaneous impulse.

⠀⠀⠀Freedom, or rather feeling “free” is related to this lack of limits that were never placed on him,
or that came from an excessive authority that he seduced to overcome his fear of being crushed,
of death.

◯ ◦ Dependent

⠀⠀⠀Apparently independent, he flags a freedom that he mistakes for debauchery. But in reality,
he is a hidden and disguised dependent; with an indescribable dependence on himself because
he would break his idealized image. He needs the other to confirm him. And also that contact,
affective and carnal, where he gets what he wants.

⠀⠀⠀In denying the lack, the person’s reason for going to therapy is usually a couple crisis, when
he feels abandoned and the building that supports his pride crumbles.

◯ ◦ Histrionic

⠀⠀⠀Nowadays the word “ histrionic” is used to define the whole emotional staging of the E2
character, and especially the E2 Sexual, who specializes in dramatizing emotions. He is also
called “hysterical”, in the sense of intensely emotional and impulsive: the emotional is far ahead
of the rational, and he tends to “emotional outbursts”, but histrionic is more precise and refers to
his theatricality.

⠀⠀⠀This emotional staging may have nothing to do with his deep motivations. It is just a
performance to achieve something else, while hiding the real need that triggered the energetic
mobilization. It is often unconscious, because every motivation or feeling has to do with an aspect
of deficiency, something that does not fit into their expanded self-image, so it is relegated to the
unconscious through the main mechanism of E2: Repression. Although staging is typical of the
Two in general, the theatrical, expansive and aggressive capacity of the Sexual E2 makes it the
most outrageous and brazen subtype.

⠀⠀⠀Histrionism is therefore, in E2 Sexual, particularly evident. The more prisoner of his

character's armor, the better actor specializing in expressing affection in its different declinations.
He differs from the conservative and social ones by the more free and unashamed expression of
passion. He can give himself so much to his effusions that he lacks the words to express
everything he feels, and his eyes, hands, or whole body are not enough to communicate his
feeling: he wants to cross the other with his voice, his look, and with his fire of passion.
⠀⠀⠀The most impetuous personalities are even more capable of expressing anger and struggle,
in an emotional catharsis like the one experienced by the actor in the climactic scene. In
seduction, they can reach the highest levels of creativity and expressive richness: feline rhythm,
a submissive gaze that wants to penetrate the other, a mixture of sweetness and strength, warmth
and instinct, great freedom in physical contact, a natural uninhibition to show themselves naked,
and all those expressions of eroticism that give them enormous pleasure.

◯ ◦ Rebellious and Transgressive

⠀⠀⠀E2 experiences the painful feeling of being a fraudster, which makes him feel false and
therefore guilty. One outlet is disinhibition and transgression of social rules, not as a result of real
autonomy of judgment and action, but as an expression of the neurotic need to stand out, to gain
the admiration of others, to arouse their interest.

⠀⠀⠀The sexual subtype takes him into the field of erotic-affective relationships, even triangular
ones. He sees himself as the repository of new social rules through sexual freedom, with a
demonstration of vitality and a feeling of superiority over the more common relationship bonds.

⠀⠀⠀It is not difficult for the E2 Sexual to advocate triumphs of the libido, even provocatively and
scandalously to common sense, as a form of narcissistic self-satisfaction.

⠀⠀⠀He needs to feel exalted by relationships where he imagines himself at the center of the
other’s desires, and intensely affective, without which he would feel barren, empty, threatened by
isolation, and dangerously sad. All this with the fantasy that it is others who need his generous
welcome, when in reality it is he who needs to feel continually reassured about his worth.

◯ ◦ Hedonist

⠀⠀⠀The E2 Sexual is hedonistic; his pursuit of pleasure is in the service of escaping pain and any
situation that potentially carries a frustration that he cannot tolerate. How can anyone say no to
you? Or not respond to his need to be adored!

⠀⠀⠀By not facing the limit, he can entangle the other in a persistent promise of pleasure. These
seduction games satisfy both Sexual E2 hedonism and his need to break routine with new
experiences. As Claudio Naranjo points out, the desire for pleasure can be considered a
substitute for it; and E2, so in need of eliminating from his life all that is problematic, troubling, or
unsatisfying, seeks it through love. His low tolerance for frustration, when he doesn't feel loved,
leads him to states of anger or agitation that, in turn, serve to break the dreaded routine.
⠀⠀⠀Hedonism makes him a consumer of relationships and objects, as he surrenders to his
intense desire to give and obtain pleasure.

◯ ◦ Idealized Self-image

⠀⠀⠀The sexual E2 is a grandiose and inflated self-image. Radiant and magnificent in fantasy, it
is not grounded in reality by fact. It is a dream, but a contagious dream that convinces not only
oneself, but also others. It is different from the narcissism of the E3, whose image selling is backed
by titles, by a schedule full of specific things to do, by hours in the gym, by a large closet, or by
disproportionate spending on cosmetics or cosmetic surgery.

⠀⠀⠀The image of a vampire, a Femme Fatale, who needs to be loved and attracted, is the
compensatory ideal for a childhood wound. And the energy invested in not crumbling this idealized
image is what causes a disconnect from the depths of her being.

⠀⠀⠀It is a theatrical image, a staging with all the attributes of a lie, made up of intimate music in
the tone of voice, provocation in the seductive gestures and clothing, and an ability to look
suspiciously as exaggerated.

◯ ◦ Inconsequential

⠀⠀⠀In this discrepancy between reality and self-image, the E2 Sexual imagines himself to be
bigger, more generous and more helpful than he is.

⠀⠀⠀He lives too much in the present to remember what he promised the day before yesterday.
He tells you: « I will help you » with such and such a thing. Or: « You know that you can count on
me ». Or: « I will support you in everything you do ». But when the time comes, the promise
doesn't translate into concrete things. It is more a feeling that existed at that moment, the result
of an emotionalized impulse that is holding an image. And when the time comes, it's not so much
the service rendered.

◯ ◦ Universal Donor

⠀⠀⠀Someone who feels so superior to others believes that he has much to give in every way.
One who continuously runs away from pain and seeks pleasure through love cannot show that
precisely this, love, he does not have. On the contrary, he shows himself to be a great giver of
love.
⠀⠀⠀Given or sense of superiority of the proud, his high principles about life, love and relationships
lead him to see himself as a moral marvel, then he stops taking into account the consequences
of his actions and how he is reality.

⠀⠀⠀But how does he turn his need for love into the ability to give love? Says psychoanalyst Karen
Horney:

⠀⠀⠀His need to be proud of himself is so imperative that he cannot tolerate the idea of being in
the grip of his own needs; so he uses his imagination to transform his needs into virtues, to turn
them into qualities to be proud of. But only the compulsive needs that serve his tendency to make
his idealized image come true undergo such a transformation.

⠀⠀⠀In structuring himself as a character, his need for affection and to feel himself the center is
transformed into giving love, into caring. And in all this giving, one thought never leaves him: he
expects others to recognize what he does for them. In his aggrandizement, he puts his attention
on what he is doing for the other more than on what he will receive. It’s a continuous effort to be
seen by others, and with such a high self-esteem that the recognition they expect never comes,
which guarantees persistent frustration.

⠀⠀⠀This effort is a characteristic of E2 Sexual, which contributes to his being able to walk with
his head held high, thus evoking the subterranean idea of undeserving from his humiliated inner
counterpart.

◯ ◦ Anti-intellectual

⠀⠀⠀Sexual E2 is the most emotional. Sexual E4, also a specialist in dramatic and intense
emotional manifestations, has, however, a more intellectual component, because to exercise
competence he needs argumentation. In Sexual Two, the undisputable argument is his emotion:
things are a certain way “Because I feel that way”. This is his assertiveness, based more on his
feelings than on the cognitive and which, in his uninhibited drive, gives him a false sense of
security and the arrogance of achieving everything.

⠀⠀⠀His reading of reality is based, therefore, more on feelings than on the objective view of facts;
emotion contaminates everything in the present moment, and in the name of emotion anything
goes. He passionately identifies with emotion and is disinterested in the logical and structured
world of thought, which seems heavy and dry to him.

⠀⠀⠀Cognitive or intellectual ability is devalued in all Two. True, somewhat less so in the Social
E2s, who create an image of being responsible, serious and hyper-adult. Conservationists, closely
identified with basic needs, are the most interested in concrete action to get what they need.
Sexual E2 also feels more than he thinks, and values the emotional and sentimental world much
more than the cognitive. An attitude that is at the origin of their main defense mechanism:
repression.

◯ ◦ Competitive

⠀⠀⠀The field of competition for the sexual Two is above all the sentimental relationship. Your
struggle to feel unique and unforgettable becomes difficult the moment a third party comes along
and can overshadow you. In that case, you can return to a passionate and passionate energy,
even if it is little or unclear whether you really care about the object you compete for. Nor do you
wonder if you are really interested in that lover or friend, because your interest is in beating the
competitor to feel the best in whoever's eyes. He feels your passion again and believes it, but
once the prize is won, it may no longer have any value.

◯ ◦ Unconventional

⠀⠀⠀E2 Sexual gestures are open, informal and relaxed. He seems spontaneous and loose, feels
at home everywhere, and takes up space by breaking in. Being unconventional is his
characteristic, both in dress and behavior, as he breaks with schemes, being different from others
at all costs. He is capable of doing in public what others would do only in private, such as taking
off his shoes, putting his feet up on the sofa, showing a scar on his private part, sleeping in the
middle of a meeting or something similar, going beyond social conventions. He wants to do what
he wants “where he wants, with whom a tease gives me so much, sweetened by his seductive
strategies and he wins”. It’s because of the fear of being rejected.

◯ ◦ From Erotic Movements

⠀⠀⠀The body of the proud personality was described by Wilhelm Reich, in Character Analysis:

“Its most striking characteristic is overt sexual behavior, combined with a specific type of bodily
agility tinged with a definitely sexual tone. [...] In the typical case, the movements are smooth and
sexually provocative. The overall impression is one of easy excitability”.

⠀⠀⠀The body movement of the Sexual E2 is to speak of the graceful and sensual movements of
a body with few deep muscle blocks. Its body structure is well energized and shapes well-
proportioned and harmonious bodies. It feels integrated and connected, conveying a sense of
activity, aliveness, and agility.

⠀⠀⠀The energy reaches the most distal parts of the body, giving the skin a warm, rosy
appearance. The bright, lively gaze denotes the emotional state the person is in, a trait shared
with the other rigid characters of the bioenergetic classification.
⠀⠀⠀This body defense mechanism is triggered before the imminent appearance of distress, as
this woman reports:

“I couldn’t stop moving, I felt an energy that went through my whole body, it carried me, moved
me without going anywhere if I was a caged animal, my mother told me she was hysterical, but I
couldn't do anything. When I stopped I felt a strong emotion in my chest, a very unpleasant feeling,
and I started to cry inconsolably”. — ANONYMOUS

⠀⠀⠀We see in the statement how the failure of muscular defense makes the anguish appear and,
in this case, the retained emotion that makes it sustain itself. This effective drain means that the
E2, and especially the Sexual E2, rarely overcomes the anxiety. This is converted into smooth,
undulating movements, charged with eroticism and which often confuse the interlocutor, who
receives a double message: on the one hand, of provocation; on the other, not being responsible
for the intentionality of the movement, which is removed from consciousness by the psychic
defense mechanism of the repress.

⠀⠀⠀Its erotic and seductive movement provokes sexual reactions when in reality this is not its
function.

⠀⠀⠀This sensual and undulating movement, provided by the muscular defense of the “chain mail”,
allows us to establish a differential diagnosis with other characters that do not possess such
representative agility and mobility.

◯ ◦ Apparently loose Hips

⠀⠀⠀Juanjo Albert says, speaking of the hysterical character (eneatype Two): « The defensive
function of the erotic pseudocontact and genital sexuality is realized through its specialization and
training to detect the risk of commitment and emotional surrender, and withdraw immediately
when this happens ».

⠀⠀⠀The most extreme form of an E2 Sexual march is the spitting image of the vamp, whose
seduction is conveyed not only by her sinuous and exaggerated movements, but also by the tone
of her voice, the emphasis of her phrasing, her captivating gaze, her expressed voluptuousness,
and the swaying of her hips, which suggests a promise of assurance.

⠀⠀⠀This typical contouring, as well as the retracted hip position, may signify health and
connection to sexuality, but in reality it does not. The “charging pelvis” of two is energetically ready
to express its force through orgasm, but unloading movements are limited by its rigidity, with
reduced anterior pelvic displacement.
◯ ◦ Joyful

⠀⠀⠀Compared to the other subtypes of pride passion, the sexual displays a look of contentment
and expansive joy. There it differs from the social E2, whose expression is less static, a bit more
serious and rigid, due to the feeling of importance that invades it.

⠀⠀⠀This same joy and smile of the Sexual E2 is accompanied, in the conservation subtype, by a
boyish look and face, which often makes him look younger than he is.

◯ ◦ The Spender

⠀⠀⠀Money gives this character crucial autonomy. Here too, the E2 Sexual depends on his own
resources: showing his economic needs humiliates him, and his independence is more a gesture
of pride than of inner freedom.

⠀⠀⠀Economic resources are subordinated to emotional ones and the need for intimate contact.
E2 Sexual shows disregard for saving or possessing possessions. It may have to do with a basic
arrogance and the need for immediate satisfaction in the intensity of the moment. Therefore, he
tends to spend what he earns, but more on others than on himself.

⠀⠀⠀Carelessness can lead to not managing money, not checking your accounts, not knowing
how much you earn, or not paying off loans.

⠀⠀⠀The power that Sexual E2 entrusts to money is therefore to be in the service of meaningful
relationships, to receive affection and admiration in return. The way to obtain them ranges from
generously offering his children's wishes to giving wonderful gifts to his partner or friends, and
thus feeling good and making the other feel like the center of his attention. He even puts his own
survival at risk by following a romantic ideal of generosity, which takes precedence over any other
consideration.

⠀⠀⠀Because of his hunger for love, the E2 Sexual takes more pleasure in giving and spending
than in withholding or possessing. For him, the pride of “giving” is an overcompensation of lack,
of the painful feeling of worthlessness. This is what leads him to exaggerate. Under the mask of
abundance, the counterpart of the miserable beggar manifests itself through the phantom of the
fall. It is precisely this opposite that leads to excessive self-denial: if he does not feel that he
deserves love for himself, he makes sure that he at least deserves it for services rendered.

◯ ◦ Fear of Failure

⠀⠀⠀In his relationship dynamics, where he is the giver rather than the receiver, Sexual E2 finds
it hard to imagine that someone else could take care of him if needed. Of his pride he can demand,
but not ask, because a refusal would do him great harm. This, along with the need for freedom
and autonomy, fosters the ghost of failure, because unable to give, they will have no place in the
world, they imagine that if they are unable to give, they will have no place, they will be alone.

5. EMOTIONALITY AND FANTASY

⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝

Being an early adult gave the sexual E2 privileges that he grabbed as an expression of a secret
superiority, confirmed by that degree of freedom
that he was granted. In the Two, fantasies of secret nobility are not uncommon, which are joined
by the feeling of a prophetic mission: The sexual subtype will be a prophet of love. Such as the
social, of changes in public spheres, or the conservation, of the satisfaction of the eternal child.
E2 therefore lives in a varied world of exultant fantasies, offsetting its intimate lack.

“Given the difficulty of being in the present moment, in the body, in pain, in tiredness or in
frustration, my fantasies skyrocket. My need to develop imaginative states was born when I had
polio. I was in front of two doctors who alternately immersed me in two bathtubs, one with cold
water and one with very hot water, with the intention that my body would react, because I was no
longer able to do anything. In those moments my desire was to get out of my body.”

It is in his compulsive fantasies where the sexual E2 builds its character, who then manipulates
himself and others with his thirst of recognition and superiority, which hides his need for love and
impossibility of expressing it authentically. Let's see how the compulsion is born:

“My father called me stupid with my head in the clouds. He was right, since I fantasized with open
eyes. While I fulfilled my older daughter duties in an increasingly automatic way, I lived in a parallel
and secret world, the only one in which I could feel like someone important, made of grandiose
fantasies, partly hostile and contradictory, but compensatory of the perception of myself. They’d
range from not being the daughter of my parents, but a child of noble origins to being a valuable
and powerful girl who saves her family.

The fantasies of omnipotence were based on two crucial themes: the triumph of courage and
truth. In my mind there was also, mixed with frustration, a constant concern for my mother. She
was always pregnant. I worked for the family without pause and cleaned the floors continuously,
with the fear that she might stumble. Then, this turned into imagining dangers only to save her
and my brothers, seeing the jealous look of my father.”

Childhood fantasies of heroism are frequent in E2, as confirmed by this autobiographical

fragment:

“I have many childish writings, with themes about adventures of knights who rescued princesses,
held prisoners by terrible dragons, in which I used to be the protagonist. Later, my relationships
with women would be affected by these fantasies.”
“Writing the story of my life, my protagonist was a queen. it was titled ‘Between smiles and rages’
(living with the same intensity both). You can't always live as a queen, you don't have to brag, you
have to be prudent and not generate unnecessary suspicions. I also perceive myself as a fairy
(who has a magic wand and leaves a halo of light that leaves splendor, glitter and joy in its wake).
Or a goddess. Or a superheroine...Always someone with superior powers, with the ability to have
a large amount of energy, which I use to save, cover the other and free them from their emotional
difficulties.”

This enneatype has felt precariously that love was repeatedly subtracted from him, giving him an
infinite and denied nostalgia for it. The unmet need is projected on the generous image he has of
himself, of someone capable of offering that love that he hasn’t received.

“I built an ideal image. I liked to provoke men, sexually and intellectually. I looked like a priest of
sex, a woman capable of seducing with her fascinating spells and fierce erotic fantasies. This was
my new rebellious image. In the relationship with my partners, I openly started my troubles and
quickly left. It didn't go beyond reckless pleasures.”

“I seduced men that were almost childish, as irresponsible as I was, but who admired my sexual
and intellectual freedom. In my mind were fantasies of being a sacred cosmic lover, in whose love
there was room for everyone, like a giver of joy and redemption through sex. All without realizing
that it was an attempt to repair my original wound (the deep need for my mother's love) through
the enchantment of the linked bodies.”

“Sometimes the fantasy was transformed and I saw myself as an object annihilated by male
desires and power. But in that chaos I continued to nourish the aspiration for an idealized love
with an equally idyllic man. It was the facade of another even more devastating fantasy: that of
considering myself an ideal woman, hypothetically capable of accepting everything of the other
and satisfying his desires, and at the same time remaining autonomous, free, optimistic and
pleasant.”

“All those omnipotent and magnificent fantasies coexisted with the exhausting underlying feeling
of being inadequate and not authentic. I realize, after years, how much I was afraid of falling into
a deadly depression. To avoid it, I inflated myself, establishing relationships with exchanged
pleasure, admiration and care, distorting my true needs.”

These erotic affective relationships coexist with the idealization of a unique and absolute love
relationship and the sexual E2 is ready to turn his life upside down to pursue that dream.

It is not difficult for him to have a partner for a long time and simultaneously have a number of
fickle relationships. The indulgence makes it possible. However, the other can abandon him

sooner or later; bringing an unsustainable anguish and despair. In a desperate recourse similar
to an instinctive aggression, he disregards the pain, getting ready for new and exciting
adventures.”
6. CHILDHOOD
⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝
The progressive construction of a personal identity implies the recognition of oneself, as someone
not confused with another, and at the same time the development of a feeling of belonging,
different from fusion, in which there is no distinction between oneself and the other.

This path begins from birth, understood as the separation of the fusion with the mother and the
constitution of the individual. For psychological development, this mutual separation between
mother and child happens in a particularly delicate stage. From the numerous biographical
narratives, it seems that the one who has developed a character corresponding to the Enneatype
Two has had a relationship with the mother that did not allow her to develop the ability to belong
or be her own person. Therefore, it tends to continually look in relationships for the magic of an
impossible fusion, a kind of narcissist fascination in which he does not perceive the other as
another person but as a reflection of himself. This is particularly noticeable in the sexual subtype,
with its busy search for the ideal partner.”

In many stories of people with the sexual E2 character, this fusional bond with the mother
developed within the framework of a competitive relationship or conflict between parents. So the
boy or girl, requested by them, had to face the dilemma of taking sides for one or the other, with
the consequent fear of losing one of the two. In the case of women, the consequence has been
to lose the relationship with the mother, to the point of entering into competition with her. While,
for men, the most serious consequence is to remain in a supposedly happy relationship with the
mother, with the impossibility of relating to the father.”

Many times this conflict has taken the nuance of an inadequate seduction on the part of one of
the parents, which has increased the child's illusion of being able to be in the place of the other
parent. A place full of pride and, at the same time, of sadness repressed by the loss of care and
protection that he should have received.

This style of relationship, where you have to earn your place by competing with someone with
whom you have an emotional bond, the sexual two will repeat in his life, both in relationships and
friendships.

What E2 hides is a deep anguish of separation, as described in the following autobiographical

narrative:

“What has made me suffer the most in life has been the fear, almost always unconscious, of being
abandoned. The fear of being nothing, of not existing.”

The original wound came from an excessive attachment to the maternal-sexual space, to the point
of not being able to endure the separations, the horror of feeling the emptiness is paralyzing. The
pride of being the favorite, the only one in the others eyes, came later. Before there was the pure
and simple need to exist while being loved.
In the childhood phases, the child who will develop this character has been required to "be older",
to the point that he has considered it humiliating and a devaluation to show himself as the child
he was. In fact, it is common that early childhood was broken by adult affairs, long before having
met the children's needs to feel protected and welcomed. This occurs because of the family's
need to take care of younger siblings, or because one of the parents seems weaker and more
dependent, or even because of the excessive request to behave like an adult by a parent.

This enneatype had to swallow his childish needs and also swallow envy and jealousy (towards
his siblings or towards one of the parents), which were considered expressions of little personal
value. He was then generous and understanding, but at the same time he let out different attacks
on the bond, through the first outbursts of proud superiority.

He found himself in the position of having to act as if he were more mature than he really was to
acquire value in the eyes of the significant people in his childhood. And at the same time, he
needed to develop the skills of an actor or actress, in a powerful effort of hyper adaptation that
refined his ability to capture the emotions and needs of the other, in order to obtain admiration
and recognition.

Thus, he discovered early that, to get attention, he must use the flattering of words, not
understanding whether the other would prefer him to be truthful. He remains confused in an
indulgent attitude, smiling kindly. Child assertiveness has therefore been modified by the early
and continuous effort to seem up to the task, to be pleasant.

But this has the inevitable consequence of a feeling of guilt and non-authenticity, as heavy to
endure as great is the need for recognition of others.

Very soon the child ended up feeling inadequate because of his smallness, and has inhibited the
ahering of his child's needs. Maybe he felt confused and abandoned, feeling a strong shame and
humiliation for being small and not being up to the task. They reacted by identifying with the
demands of the parents, rejecting their attachment needs, but they had to do it by paying the price
of their sensitivity, learning to imprison the distressing feelings of abandonment with the
overcompensation of a proud superiority.

Thus, the pride of an admirable performance in the eyes of the parents has submerged, but it has
not erased the self-perception of smallness and inadequacy, which, on the other hand, in the
enneatype Four, is more on the surface.

We read this excerpt from an autobiography:

“It is evident that I have a great dependence. It is a source of great suffering for me and for those
with whom I have emotional relationships. But the strange thing is that, in most situations, I have
not been aware of that. In addition, I think "I can do it alone", the greatest self-deception of my
life. Keeping this ego so inflated is barbaric; vulnerability is always under the appearance of self-
sufficiency and the fear of being abandoned becomes an abandonment of others.”

But not all people with the sexual character Two have experienced lack of love in childhood. Some
have felt a fullness of love around them, making them proud. Growing up with the idea that, in
order to maintain such levels of approval, they had to remain very active.

“I was born with the gift of love, since my parents loved each other at the time of conceiving me.
I received a lot of love in my childhood and I was open to receiving it. Then, I couldn't believe that
without doing anything I could continue to maintain this gift; I understood that I had to do many
things to earn it. I was proud not to lose. Life, with its blows, has gradually stripped me of that
feeling of superiority. Falling was important, and falls have always had to do with experiences of
abandonment.”

7. PERSON & SHADOW: THE DESTRUCTIVE FOR ONESELF AND FOR OTHERS
⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝⏝

It is from early childhood that one feels pushed to build, stone by stone, the face of oneself that
presents to others, the relational mask, the person. It is an attempt to affirm and give reality to the
ideal image of oneself, to feel accepted or significant. But the progressive identification with the
person implies a kind of torsion, a forcing of a single aspect of oneself, which is transformed into
a forced identity, not authentic.

Now, the traits that characterize the person do not manage to exclude their opposite, what is
under the mask and we do not know or do not want to know about ourselves, those contents of
self-awareness that we reject and that, pushing them away from us, we project on others: the
shadow. The dark and destructive aspect of our being that, the further from it we go, the more it
grows.

Realizing that the person is only an incomplete aspect of himself, and that he does not deserve
to be inflated and filled with often narcissistic content, implies an awareness of the aspects of the
shadow, the reverse of oneself, the acknowledgment of one's own limitations and shortcomings
And therefore, of everything one will never be. This is why the integration of person and shadow
is fulfilled through a self-transforming process of assumption of one's own shortcomings, of one's
own destructiveness, of the discouragement of those who are disillusioned, in the first place, of
themselves.

E2 is one of the enneatypes that most identifies with a narcissistic expression of itself and with
the most difficulty in realizing its shadow. On the other hand, what in this character appears as
spontaneity, brightness and originality, is the opposite of the fixed mask and the destructiveness
of the shadow.

The narcissistic structure of the personality is marked by a sense of omnipotence. In this

enneatype it is surpassed by exhibitionism. According to Kohut, "the limitless exhibitionism of the
grandiose self [...] is his insistence on being admired," while his omnipotence is "His insistence
on the exercise of total control."

In the sexual subtype, exhibitionism is a particularly destructive trait, both for him and for his loved
ones, since it dirtys precisely the field that interests him most: affective exchange. His thirst to be
loved, the desire to feel intensely desired, tends to be inextinguishable, and with it the sexual E2,
which shouts its love, risks destroying precisely love and relationships.

Let's read the testimony of a man who belongs to this subtype:

“It's easy to be passionate about fantasies, and just as easy to get dispassionate. It is obvious
that to be accepted by others you have to show that you are well and, apparently, offer yourself.
(not fully) The deception has helped me survive. Letting the others believe that with me they had
a jewel in their hands. I've spent a huge amount of energy, even money, to keep the deception
up. Many times I have had irreparable losses and have damaged my health.”

“I have not been aware of most of my crises, nor have I been aware that they coincided with the
fact that I felt abandoned. These crises did not last long; I have a low tolerance for frustrations: I
reacted with other deceptions. When I began to become aware of my limits, I found myself
passionate and brutal. From "I can do everything" to "I can't do anything". The wounds on the
body and soul all manifested at once. I don't see myself as a compulsive seducer; but I do see
myself as a victim of myself.”

Too arrogant to recognize that he receives love or to feel that he receives enough for his needs,
the sexual Ez secretly disqualifies the other. This disqualification from a position of superiority is
born from his taboo of feeling envious. On the other hand, it's easy for him to feel that he is envied.
It could be said that he gives others the responsibility of feeling envious and tries to direct it
towards himself, with the added advantage of being proud of the admiration he receives.

In the couple's relationship, he will more or less subtly infantilize himself or become irresponsible.
Maybe to cover up the underground feeling of unreliability and dangerousness that he perceives
confusingly in relation to himself, or to hold a certain power in the relationship.

If he comes to feel that superiority escapes him, he will attack the bond that he has passionately
created. And in the end, this person who seemed so warm, lavish and passionate, becomes
indifferent when he runs the risk of feeling overcome by loss or by having to face emotionally
threatening situations.

The more strategic it is when creating an intimate relationship, the less it is in other areas of life.

In short, in the person / shadow polarity, this character, which seems boastful, hides shyness
instead. He seems quite self-confident but secretly trembles with fear for the credibility of the
representation he stages, with the anxiety of ending up being defeated by vulnerability and
insecurity.
However, it must be considered that not only is his sense of security false, but also that he hides
his sense of insecurity. Here it does not simply accept its limits, but devalues itself fully: "I'm not
worth anything...I don't know anything....the others are better than me." Then it happens that he
no longer knows what to think, or what to feel, nor does he know what he wants. While he persists
in that feeling of helplessness, he can become frankly dependent on others or take refuge in the
melancholy of feeling alone, hopeless, abandoned.

Continuing in the person / shadow polarity, it seems original and creative, but that will be the
unnatural result of a constant effort to distinguish itself. It seems independent, but it depends a
lot on the impression it arouses in others. He seems passionate, but he's cold inside or he doesn't
know what he really feels. It seems spontaneous and, on the other hand, it is very constructed.

He seems generous and careful, but he hides an aggressive and unsuspectable resentment,
feeling in the depths of his being, tremendous needs for love and reaffirmation that compensate
for the difficulty of feeling, since inside he feels cold, empty and unable to give love, as narrated
in the following autobiographical fragment:

“I don't know which angel has protected me under his wings, because the life I have led could
have easily destroyed me. It seems to me that it has been a strange mixture of passion and
coldness, an emotional debauchery alternating with a kind of cold crust around the heart that, as
it formed, did not allow me to reach others or myself. When I saw my brothers mistreated or I felt
humiliated, I boiled with anger, but then this anger was imprisoned in an iron shell and, beyond a
certain limit, I did not feel anything else. I stripped myself of emotions, simulating a superiority of
which I did not perceive the falsehood through a "I don't need".”

“When I felt this state of hysterical indifference, I could not find the reason, I did not feel credible
and that made my lack of interest begin. Then, this feeling dissolved and I felt the pain and joy
again. However, I was afraid to express my need for love and support; I was afraid that if I started
I would not stop and would be swallowed by the whirlpool of a deadly impotence.”

8. THE LOVE
⏝⏝⏝⏝
Love is what gives meaning to the life of a sexual E2, which is rarely realized in life without a great
love. His motivation is the continuous search for the love of a couple, lived with passionate
intensity and persecuted as the realization of his personal importance, through an exceptional
dream of glory that he feels at the height of realizing.

His eventual range of loving relationships is justified with the search for the soul mate, a very
common way of speaking in this character, which does not realize that it is an illusory and
markedly narcissistic goal.

“I fell in love with someone who I then idealized, adorning them with qualities that I invented in
order to put them on a pedestal on which, since they were not goddesses but human, I could not
leave them for long. And sooner or later came the falling out of love and the aspiration towards a
new greater love. But while they remained on the pedestal, I was their best propagandist, "selling"
them as the best, as people whose value the world will soon give.”

“Now, my delivery was not very good, as if deep down I sensed that all that was neither safe nor
forever. One way or another I left myself an escape route, that would allow me to continue
seducing compulsively, to have an alternative solution in case of failure. So, already putting the
seed for that to happen. I didn't like to be sentimentally committed. Even my defense of the
sexually open couple, despite the damage it caused me, based on an alleged need for freedom.
I think it had to do with this inability to make a commitment to a woman. A single woman couldn't
fill my void with love, but neither will all the women in the world, even if I didn’t understand that.”

Given that the base of the E2 is made of feelings and emotions, this character moves towards
others, it is strongly relational. This attitude is emphasized by the attempt to repair his original
wound: abandonment. As a child he had no space to express his need for attachment and to be
cared for or his pain. Rejection, for this enneatype, is the worst risk of depression.

He therefore puts preventive strategies into action through an anxious conquest of love, which is
represented as a total and timeless satisfaction of desire. The eagerness is such that it makes
him lively and active, but in reality he runs on a mechanical tape, since the love he seeks is self-
referential: He does not know how to love the other for what he is, but for the needs of the beloved

that he believes he can satisfy, in order to maintain this self-perception of greatness. In this way
the eyes of the beloved acquires importance, putting himself in the first person as a necessity for
the other and fantasizes.
It happens, however, that it falls off the pedestal. And then this character defends itself from the
emotional fall with a repertoire of strategies. Which ones? Let's look at its position in the circle of
the enneagram.

Feeling excluded from love and admiration humiliates his self-esteem and that triggers his anger,
but this anger exposes him to recognizing his emotional dependence. An acknowledgment that,
in turn, would deepen the abyss of loss and make his anger more destructive: "This cannot
happen to me, not to me!"

From this convergence results the pride and apparent autonomy of the one who, not tolerating
the narcissistic wound, more than making contact with his desolation reacts by snatching from
the other the effective power over himself. He turns the rejection suffered into rejected exercise -
"that he goes around, he doesn't deserve me" - going from adoration to contempt. Pride defends
him from annihilation and that is why his tendency is to resurface from his ashes, being able to
appear as a strong, vital and positive character.

If he suffers, he hides it from others, including the most intimate ones, since his proud image must
not be obscured by the fall into pain or need. He talks about his difficulties when he is no longer
experiencing them, that is, when he has overcome or cornered them, arousing the astonishment
of others (who had realized absolutely nothing) and admiration for his strength.
He therefore survives pain by isolating or cornering himself: what seems to be joy of living is panic
of death.

Vicality, in the sexual subtype, is expressed through the pleasure given and enjoyed. Pleasure in
its most archaic mode: enjoy food, satisfy the hunger of the other or squirt love like a teak lena,
of which the sexual E2 is always thirsty and at the same time willing to give. I would like to be one
with that pleasure, nourished and nurturing, hunger and food, water and thirst, to never feel private
and never deprive your objects of desire. It's no coincidence that the polarity of the E2 is the
appropriate intensity of the E8, which takes a lot and does not feel obliged to give anything.

It is precisely the propensity of this type to absolute pleasure, which passes over coda rationality,
that returns to the E2 scala emphatic, passionate and romantic; willing to swear "forever" and to
disrupt his life to be able to dilate this illusion of total satisfaction over time. It can then become
extremely sticky and overwhelming in its intention to be everything for the other.

But this powerful drive lives in a structure of character undermined by what this enneatype fears
the most: This source may not be complete satisfaction and, no matter how reasonable and
realistic this is, sexual E2 does not attend to reasons and attacks the risk of insufficient loving
nutrition, with a feeling of false superiority over its source: "I am not the one who needs you." He
arrogantly moves away from the object of desire that could make him suffer or from the one that
has suffered a frustration, until reversing the roles transforming him from a beloved object into a

rejected object. Not being able to grab anything anymore, he becomes inasible (the femme fatale).
The "I don't need" takes the place of his extreme need. Hence the independence, anti-conformity
and exuberance demonstrated by this character.
Karen Horney describes the morbid dependence that is established in the system of pride
:
“Erotic love fascinates this character as the supreme satisfaction. Love is and seems to be the
ticket to paradise, where all evils end; no more loneliness; no more feeling lost, guilty and
unworthy; no more responsibility for oneself; no more struggle with a rough world for which he
does not feel equipped.”

Horney introduces a concept of psychiatry: pardi to or erotic-oral love. The proud person, through
love, not only satisfies the need to feel loved and special, but also sees in love, redemption. He
longs both to be loved and to love. Feeling lonely and becoming one person would allow him to
reach the unity that he is not able to find in himself. And since he believes that he can only carry
out his idealized self through love, by putting so much of himself on the outside, he is easy prey
to insecurities, the panic of rejection and not being accepted. That's why he’s so jealous.

Both men and women sometimes show sophistication and carelessness, and other times,
inhibition and naivety, sometimes withdrawing from the erotic game when the subject gets
serious. And they surrender with astonishing ease to "the most important relationship of their life,"
which they take a back seat when they find another more interesting one, in search of a great
love, which is always the last one they conquer, in an eternal game of "giving to receive."

The proud person can fall into morbidly dependent relationships, where he is fascinated by certain
values of the other.

It can be a matter of independence, of an invincible security or superiority, or of a ostentation of

arrogance or aggression. Only those strong and superior beings - as she sees them can carry out
their needs and take care of her:

There is a marked frustrating character in these relationships, as if what he is really looking for is
the frustration that no one can give him what he wants so much: the total surrender. That, at the
same time, is a feared scene for her, since, if the true fusion were to occur, it would carry the risk
of having to really show herself as she is, with the part that repudiates herself. So it's less
dangerous to look for a new relationship and start over.

The truth is the sexual E2 does not tolerate frustration. It is difficult for him to accept no for an
answer; either for fear of dying, or because in turn. He also does not know how to say no frankly
and feels betrayed if the other refuses. Therefore, he develops an agresividad disguised as a
welcome, conquers the favors of the other with his own, but there is no one who satisfies him,
who covers his emptiness. Then you can despise the person you have conquered and go towards
a new conquest, telling yourself that this time true love will make quality.

Cultivate the fantasy that loving and being loved is an almost religious experience, which leads to
mystical ecstasy. He is averse to the ordinary and to small daily demonstrations of love. He feels
alive only in the romantic and explosive intensity, or in the expansive cough of rebellion, since he
is actually afraid of not feeling anything and discovering the internal coldness that defends him
from pain.

The group agreed that, in order of importance, the first on the list was erotic love; second,
compassionate love and, ultimately, admiring love.

The one of the sexual E2 is a love that tends to the use of the other. both cravés of eroticism and
compassion. Use the other to get something he wants for himself. Already in the erotic love itself
the sale of love is observed. this falsification of true love, which is a "give so that I receive", a
prostitution of love, a love of exchange. There is a demand to be loved, needed and seen.

The person of this character confuses feeling loved with feeling physically desired. One of his
other catastrophic fantasies is not to be physically desired.
Eroticism feels like a weapon. He uses it as a power tool. It confuses the ideal projection of
eroticism with the real connection with its deep erotic desco.
The desire to satisfy the demands of the other so that he loves him implies that he does not see
him. He is not in a position to see the desire of the other, nor his own deep desire.
“The unconditional love that I thought I received was transformed within me into a kind of network
where I could catch those who interested me. That giving love has been all my life "a love in
exchange for..." It wasn't about helping the other; I was satisfying my lack of giving. Sometimes
in an invasive way; other times, degrading for me; and almost always in a manipulative way and
without conscience.”

“Sometimes I have thought that I was fleeing from internal pain looking for pleasure, but it is
something more related to the manipulation of the other. I don't recognize since when the internal
radar of knowing what others need is in me; even that is contaminated by the false security of
believing to know it; but somehow my sense of smell was dedicated to this for many years. With
which he managed to capture his attention and affection.”

The transformation is observed when you work on the love that is, in this subtype, furthest from
consciousness: the admiring love. But to reach admiring love, he must first feel compassion: he
must contact his own lack, that is, his lack of love. When he realizes his hole, his non-
completeness,

You can experience your need and, from this place, see the other as well. If you let yourself feel
your suffering, you can see the other's and, in this way, open up to compassion. There you can
feel the "you to you" contact between equals and then open up to devotional love. To connect

with admiring love, he needs to feel the pain of not having had love and not having been able to
trust a figure of sufficiently stable authority to admire.
It is necessary to develop that first feeling of true self-worth, to have compassion for yourself.
Recognize where it is, what its place is and its value, whatever it is, and from there you can
already value the other.

“I felt that, when I couldn't do it anymore, I still had more to give. The experience of seeing the
need for that helpless, tiny and sensitive being connected me with my own fragility and my world
of needs. My son showed me the emotional path of compassion, the ability to put myself in his
place.”

In admiring love there is also another gateway: Admiring the divine first and, from there, being
able to admire the human.

To feel admiring love for the other, he has to feel his lack and that leads him to the recognition of
the feeling of envy, which he has always covered. It is the great taboo that he has been avoiding
with all his arrogant strategy. Recognizing one's own envy is therefore another door to
transformation: to see what you have that I don't have. That allows him to admire the other one
next to him and, by valuing him, learn everything he can teach him. The haughty position of the
denial of envy has made this character lose many opportunities for learning and nutrition.

In short, this character evolves from eroticism and, through lack, it can integrate compassion and
find the other with his real need, and not in the fantasy that is made of himself. Only by accepting
himself in need can he accept what he is and develop authentic admiration and devotion, which
costs him more.

MATA HARI

The story of Mata Hari - or, rather, of the legendary character played by Margaretha Gertruida
"Griet" Zelle, a Dutchwoman born in Leeuwarden on August 7, 1876 - characterized in an
unparalleled way the character of the "femme fatal" so representative of the sexual E2.

This queen of seduction represented the fascinating face of the belle époque, symbol of free
sexuality and pleasure. In certain aspects she personified the wild, feline and capricious woman
capable of captivating a large public, especially male, with her sacred oriental dances and her
great capacity to attract and please.

When the soberer and more puritanical times of the Great War, the proud, seductive and sexual
personality traits that aroused so much adoration and glory all over Paris and made her triumph
all over Europe as a dancer and luxurious courtesan, were responsible for the tragic end of her
life.

She was accused of being a double agent working as a spy for Germany. After being found
guilty and without conclusive evidence, she was executed by a French firing squad in
Vincennes, near Paris, on October 15, 1917.

1917. As the foreword to the biography written by Pat Shipman:

The most important thing to know about Margaretha Zelle is that she liked men. The other
crucial aspect is that she did not like the truth. By the time she became Mata Hari, she was
already an expert at shaping the world to her liking.

His childhood and his life were marked by his relationship with his father, a very good example
of the genesis of this proud character and his instinctive tendency marked by seduction.

Seduction understood as a promise of surrender and pleasure that her whole being emanated.
A manipulation of love, a game of love that in return demanded everything and where, in reality,
she never gave her heart completely. She turned men into puppets that danced to her tune. A
dangerous vampire who got from them everything she wanted: their desco, their favors and their
fortunes.

"Seduction is the word that best defines the sexual subtype of Enneatype 2, and the one that
best characterizes the life of this courtesan.

most characterizes the life of this courtesan and dancer.

Her father, Mr. Adam Zellc, a hat maker who was nicknamed the Baron by his neighbors "for his
delusions of grandeur and his ability to "build castles in the air," taught her to think she was
special. The relationship with his daughter was based on a special treatment and a charming
and enchanted look whenever she sought him out. Fuc was already used to be the center of
attention and to get compliments and praises. The Mara Hari's proud and sexually sequential
(E2) character was developing in her early childhood.

She was a little princess and the Baron liked to show her off. The kind of love shown to her by
her father gave him wonderful feelings and made him feel as if she was infinitely precious. She
was the apple of his eye and not even the birth of her brothers ever displaced her father's
affection. It is possible that she thought he loved her more than his mother.

In that strongly oedipal relationship, the territory of intimacy that Margarecha obtained from her
father was not the one that would be desirable because of her condition as a daughter and her
age. Rather, she triumphantly displaced her mother and this marked her future way of relating to
the male world, to the hierarchy and to society.

She enrolled Margaretha in the most expensive school in the city despite her modest finances,
and sent her to class on the first day of school in a golden cart pulled by two little white goats as
if they were royal steeds.

Although her father ended up bankrupt, he bequeathed to his daughter the taste for luxury and
the desire to shine, which, a classmate of Margarecha's would say years later, was the most
remembered trait of Margarecha's at school.

The proud, self-important and haughty personality was created on the basis of the feeling of
self-importance and superiority to which her father accustomed her all her life.

He would buy her wonderful dresses in gay and flashy colors, such as a scarlet velvet one she
wore to school.

She would twirl around to show her father how her skirt sparkled, and he would beam with joy
and tell her how beautiful she was. She would do the same in front of her friends at Mrs. Buys'
exclusive school, who would stare at her with their eyes like saucers. They pretended to be
scandalized by a dress they considered inappropriate for a girl of her age, but she said she was
very beautiful.

I thought that what was really happening was that they were simply jealous. The dull colors they
usually wore were more suitable for their companions. They could have afforded such a dress
without great effort, but they could never have worn it with their elegance, Their pale skins and
faded hair, as well as their lack of personality, condemned them.

Only someone like her, with big dark wavy hair, irresistible looks and café-au-lait skin, a person
whose essence was: "Look at me!", could wear it. The kind of bond she developed with her
progenitor created the compulsive script of seeking applause, recognition and passion that
defined her life. The public revered her, especially the men, who stood eagerly and raptly at her
feet.

At the age of thirteen she was a vain and self-centered girl, accustomed to her father indulging
her every whim, making her life easy, magical and fun. But her father's business and
investments went from bad to worse until he was forced to declare bankruptcy. Mr. Zelle went to
work in The Hague and left his family in a cheap apartment with little money to live on,
Margarctha must have felt her first abandonment. After ten months he returned, but the situation
with his wife became impossible and, after a scandalous separation, the mother died.
Margaretha felt a second abandonment when, instead of going to live with her father, she was
sent to relatives, who enrolled her in a high school in Leiden, where a sex scandal soon
followed.

At the age of sixteen, Margaretha was a good student, extremely seductive and attractive, and
had sexual relations with the headmaster of the institution, the fifty-one-year-old Wybrandus
Haanstra, a mature man with a position and a reputation. Although married, he fell madly in love
with her. It would seem that this story represents one of the first triumphs of seductive lasates of
the young Margarecha, where she already proved her ability to attract her ability to attract and
provoke passion.

But in the end she was blamed, accused of scandal and sent home disgraced, while Haanstra
remained esteemed and maintained both his position and his good reputation. Today her
behavior would be considered a sexual offense for having molested a minor, but in 1893 she
was considered the immoral one and the guilty one.

She discovered early on that pleasing a man was a way of gaining power and the

way to gain power and the ability to manage him as she pleased.

The early learning of the erotic charge present in her relationship with her father was
transformed over time into a capacity for seduction in the service of a self-interested sexuality.
She became an expert in opening or awakening desire in the other, in deploying a spider's web
strategy in which her suitors or, rather, her victims fell and became entangled in her disturbing
games of love, in such a way that they lost their will and she could thus live off her favors and
her fortunes. She was a woman of expensive tastes; she liked to squander the fortune of lovers
on luxury hotels, fashionable clothes, restaurants... and all in exchange for her precious love.
She acted as a luxury courtesan.

Was he aware that he was seeking to recreate the magic of his father's love during his
childhood? Surely, no. The defense mechanism of the Ez structure is repression. The
repression of all content that does not conform to an aggrandized image of herself, that which is
so magnificent and brilliant, where, of course, the word "dependence" is excluded from the
language. She would probably never have accepted to be dependent on men; rather she used
them and provoked in them her surrender and dependence.
The pain of having been abandoned by the beloved father became the longing that gave the
impulse to seek male attention an overvaluation that could well last a lifetime.

The background of her love affairs was a false entrepôt. All men loved her, all discarded her,
some had the pleasure of sharing her most intimate moments, but she kept her heart tightly
closed.

She had a weakness for uniforms and, especially, for officers' uniforms,

Margareth responded to a marriage advertisement in the newspaper Nie-was van de Dag, from
a Dutch Indies officer on leave, Captain Rudolf MacLeod, twenty years her senior.

From the first date Margaretha signs the letters as:

"Your future wife who already loves you." She is the prototype of the impulsivity of the sexual z-
type who, when she longs for something, covers up her true motivation with the best possible
intentions. Justifying it,

justifying it, of course, with the very good reasons of the heart and the skin, hiding even from
herself the interests that linked her to an exotic, safe and adventurous future. And in the name
of the fire of love and passion, and by the hand of incongruity, she embarked on a new life in
Java, which soon after ended in failure.

After the honeymoon, the deterioration of the relationship was already evident.

This is how Griet described it in several of her letters: "Well, the marriage changed the moment
the money ran out; I had not married to live without luxuries, and I was flirtatious and he did not
like that, he was very jealous",

Or in another:

He was much older than me.... He could almost have been my father. And besides, a woman
with my temperament... I want to confess sincerely and frankly that when I saw an attractive
young man my heart skipped a beat. And that's something very normal and impossible to
avoid... I was very temperamental. And I also had artistic aspirations, I had inclinations that
made it impossible for a woman like me to be a good housewife.... I would not feel so happy in
the house, I confess it openly:

I wanted to live like a colorful butterfly in the sun rather than in the quiet of my room. After her
failed marriage and unhappy life in the Dutch Indies with her husband and family, one of her
sons, Norman, dies at the age of four in strange circumstances.

Dutch Indies with her husband and family, one of her sons, Norman, died at the age of four in
strange circumstances. Several stories have been written about the possible cause of his death.
The most plausible assumption today is that he was a legendary character rather than a real
one. The most plausible assumption today is that Norman died of mercury poisoning while being
treated by his doctor for congenital syphilis. The death of this son aggravated the family
situation to the point of divorce in 1902.

She moved to Paris, eager to find work, tried acting and posed for some artist, but the only
source of income she had was to please men in exchange for money.

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, Griet appears as Mata Hari in Paris in 1905 after a painful
and hardship-filled period of her life. This is a circumstance observed in the biographies of
enneatype 2: a glorious childhood period in which she is treated like a queen, sometimes
followed by a period of pain and humiliation, and then reborn with strength and determination; a
wounded orgu-Ho who incubates her strength until the right moment for its manifestation. Above
all she sees herself and her interests.

It is as if the time for revenge had arrived in her life as if the time has come in his life for
payback. He is reborn with a keen sense of what can be successful. He develops a series of
"sacred dances" that he had learned in the Dutch Indies.

Dutch Indies. His form had nothing classical about it and seemed rather the birth of an original
style in which he masterfully combined atmospheres of extreme sensuality with an oriental
devotional and religious atmosphere. Passion and drama were united in a dance that was
provocative and sublime at the same time. It was accompanied by excellent costumes that
attracted attention by a transparency that was more than evocative, and Javanese jewelry that
combined gold with precious stones.

Mata Hari explained years later to a friend: I never danced well. People came to see me
because I was the first one who dared to appear naked in public. I acted just like a hundred
other women do; I speculated on sensuality; I flirted and flirted with the whole audience,
something that always comes easy to me, and always has.

Mata Hari's passion was seduction, attracting and pleasing, the power to conquer and fall in
love using her whole body, her movements, her gaze, her voice? Her whole being exuded
provocation and desire. She knew it and took advantage of it. Mata Hari's shows became very
popular all over Europe.

Margaretha invented her origins in a family of Brahmins in India. She imagined that her mother
was a glorious bayadera of the Kanda Swany temple who died at the age of fourteen, on the
day of her birth. That it was the priests of the temple who adopted her and named her Mata
Hari, which means "pupil of the dawn", and that it was in the Shiva pagoda where she learned
the sacred rites of the dance.

Mata Hari allowed herself to invent, create and dream in front of people who asked her about
her past and her history. The emotional motivation of her created dream dictated her pretended
reality, which was molded at the moment and according to the circumstances...

Dates imprecise, events explained in an enigmatic way and with different protagonists. He
changed scenarios, names and cities, hid data and significant facts. All this imagery was
frequent and everything contributed to the creation of a mysterious and exotic halo that made it
famous, ethereal and, above all, desirable.

Its truth, as in the world of pride, is relative, dictated by the emotional reality of the moment, or
rather, of the instant.

The urge to please is irrepressible. Neither details nor objective data matter. It is a truth that is
made to fit into history in order to satisfy the artistic creation of the moment,

magnifying a self-created, fabulous and magnificent image. The sexual instinct endows pride
with the capacity for externalization, dramatization and staging like no other subtype. Conscious
or unconscious emotions find the propitious stage to get attention and applause.

His first public appearance and his successes came. When his acruations began in salons, in
theaters, magazines and newspapers commented on his art, and he reaped good reviews.

When in Paris she had already become the Hindu dancer.

Mara Hari, the chronicle of La Presse of March 18, 1905 spoke of her as follows: "Mata Hari is
Absaras, sister of the nymphs, of the undines, of the valkyries and of the naiads, created by
Indra for the perdition of men and of the wise men".

Parisian Life presents her as "an Indian dancer, voluptuous and tragic, who dances naked in the
fashionable salons. She wears a bayadère costume, as simplified as possible, and at the end
she reduces it even more*.

Her success was based on her characteristic ability to bring her emotions into play for an
unparalleled performance. Mata Hari exploited her histrionic qualities to the maximum in her art
and dance. Every gesture and undulation of her body became sensual movements that not only
insinuated but provoked a passionate response from the male audience. She became an icon of
feline femininity, wildly erotic and mysterious, thanks to seduction and concealment: in order not
to appear as a banal courtesan, but as a goddess, she had improvised her art and invented a
sacred origin.

Her sentimental life was full of lovers, possessors of great fortunes and power: sovereigns,
ministers, ambassadors, bankers, officials, police chiefs... The belle epoque, which had begun
around 1890, was characterized by the squandering and display of luxury in private salons and
fashionable restaurants. Successful men dined beautiful mistresses that they exhibited publicly,
because they were accepted in society.

In Vienna, one of them, Alfred Kiepert, when he separated from Griet due to family obligations,
gave her 300,000 marks, the equivalent of more than one million euros today. She, who liked
luxury and stayed in first-class hotels regardless of the price, found a new rich lover, a wealthy
and handsome stockbroker named Xavier Rousseau, who went so far as to rent a country
castle in Esvres where Mara Hari lived for a long period.
Rousseau, who visited her every weekend, provided her with four magnificent riding horses, a
carriage, luxurious furniture and servants: in addition to his loyal maid, a second maid, a groom,
a coachman, a cook and a gardener. Neither Rousseau's wife nor his mother were able to
persuade him to leave Mata Hari, until Rousseau declared bankruptcy and his wife blamed Mata
Hari for his financial ruin.

The surrender of love was in exchange for large sums of money. What did the irresistible lover
ask of men? Everything. Possession makes sense when we discover Mata Hari's ability to ask
men for companionship, money and favors.

What did Mata Hari offer men? That mix of wild passion, feminine tenderness and entertaining
ability. That perfume of freedom and independence that, together with her amatory arts, bent
the powerful men of her time until they became puppets that moved at her whim.

In need of money, she asked her agent if he knew anyone who wanted to protect artists, and
who was willing to invest their money in her, because she was in a difficult situation and needed
30,000 francs (about 120,000 euros today) immediately. She was practically wanting to use her
agent as a pimp, but she had no moral prejudice; she was a woman who lived as she pleased
and had as many lovers as she wanted.

In 1914 the belle époque was coming to an end; war was declared. Foreigners were treated like
animals and she was arrested on several occasions. The Germans had confiscated her
accounts and belongings at the beginning of the war (living in Berlin, as an ex-foreigner), a fact
she never forgave them and generated in her an intense feeling of revenge.

She moved to The Hague, supported by another lover, Colonel Van der Capellan, but in
wartime Holland life was dull, gray and unglamorous. So Mata Hari decided to put more action
in her life.

Being the official mistress of Colonel Van der Capellan, of the Dutch city, she was also the
official mistress of the Belgian commander Marquis de Beau-fort, and of the Russian Captain
Masslov, who presented her as his bride, and she pretended that she was his great love. This
triple relationship did not prevent her from having passing adventures with an officer from
Montenegro, an Italian, two Irishmen, three or four Englishmen, and five officers from France.

Far from being ashamed, he congratulated himself on it: "I love officers, I have loved them all
my life. I prefer to be the mistress of a poor officer than of a rich banker. My greatest pleasure is
to go to bed with them without thinking about money, and afterwards, I like to make
comparisons between different nationalities."

Yes, he seems to have had a fixation with uniforms. In his biography he recounts his fascination
with a painting showing his father in military uniform riding his horse.

In the autumn of 191s she was visited by Karl Kroemer, a German honorary consul who was
recruiting spies all over Europe, and he wanted to convince her to join his organization by
offering her 20,000 francs, a very large sum. But she said it was not enough, and asked for
more. Kroemer told her that it was only a trial period, and that in the future she could earn more;
she also asked him to write in invisible ink and gave him three bottles.

Later she would express that she was bored, without amusements, and her lover, Colonel Van
der Capellan visited her little. And that, as we have already said, she also resented the
Germans, who had unjustly confiscated her money and fur coats in Berlin.

To convince her to join the espionage network, the Germans used puerile flattery such as: "You,
who are the only one capable of understanding..., "you, who want peace"..., "you, who are the
most influential" .... "you, who could prevent so many misfortunes...".

We see here how an expert seducer falls into her own trap, seduced by flattery and
manipulative strategies of the heart, of peace. Her pride swelled and, feeling herself worthy of
all the flattery, she let herself fall into the net of espionage like one of those presumptuous little
birds in fables.

She accepted the money without ever intending to work for Germany; she went to the canals
and threw away the contents of the three bottles of invisible ink and the bottles containing it.
She did not feel guilty or obliged to do anything despite the fact that she had collected the
20,000 francs. All her life she had accepted money from different men simply because she
needed it and they had it; she always thought she deserved it. So why shouldn't she do the
same now?

Here was the tantrum of a spoiled child, used to getting her own way: lying in a puerile way to a
German consul running a spy agency.

In 1916, Mata Hari fell deeply in love with a Russian officer eighteen years younger. He was
twenty-one, she was thirty-nine. She called Vladimir de Masslov Vadime. And he, her, Marina.
He was perhaps the only man to whom she gave herself, and to whom she even sent money
when he was wounded on the battlefield.

During the war Mata Hari had lovers, officers and politicians, on both sides; she could freely
cross borders thanks to her contacts and influences (which is why she was investigated).

The French also wanted to recruit her as a spy. Mata Hari accepted again, this time in exchange
for a million francs, which she demanded for seducing and extracting valuable information. With
this exorbitant amount she intended to be able to retire with Vadime. The motivation of love
appears again, this time the fantasy of finally giving herself to the love of her life.

The examining magistrate Pierre Bouchardon, who sentenced her for espionage, never believed
that Mara Hari was in love with Vadime, nor with anyone else, except herself and her sensual
pleasures.

Mata Hari, who had never been faithful either to men or to the truth, who always invented stories
that favored her, finally fell trapped in a plot of interests, in a conspiracy hatched against her that
condemned her.
The interrogations revealed the lack of evidence, as well as Mata Hari's disinterest in the events
of the war.

Accused of espionage, the elegant woman who had seduced all of Europe spent eight months
in the filthy, rat-infested cells of the prison.

Europe spent eight months in the filthy, rat-infested cells of Saint-Lazare prison, alongside
prostitutes and petty criminals. Almost completely isolated, in prison she experienced one of her
greatest ghosts, which she had been able to avoid all her life: loneliness.

Extreme circumstances drive her almost to madness and she plunges into the depths of a cold
and painful hell that causes her collapse, the loss of pride.

She begs for any kind of improvement in her conditions; she no longer demands, she begs. She
asks for help from all her lovers and contacts who have loved her so much, but very few declare
themselves in favor of her, because the moment in France makes it very inopportune to defend
a spy. She is faced with abandonment, from which she has been fleeing all her life.

The viral paradox of Mara Hari is that the queen of love found love once in her life and was only
able to enjoy it for a few days.

All the letters she exchanged with Vadime, "possibly the only love of my life", were tapped and
never reached their addressee.

She lived her manipulation and lack of limits to the fullest until she surrendered to her

deep meaning of the word "love", with which he had so much "love", with which he had played
so much.

The dawn of October 15, 1917 arrives. He prepares to die as he has lived; with elegance and
courage. She refuses the blindfold offered to her by an officer and refuses to be plowed to the
post. She makes a gesture with her hand to the two weeping nuns who have cared for her these
last months and blows a kiss to the priest, in an act of travisso that she cannot avoid, and
another to her lawyer.

She died like Mata Hari, the woman who by seduction had everything and lost everything.

In 2000, the museum of the Institute of Anatomy in Paris announces that the head of Mata Hari,
which belonged to the collection since her death in 1917, has allegedly been stolen by an
admirer. The passion is still alive.

ISADORA DUNCAN

How can we write the truth about ourselves? Do we even know it? There is the vision our
friends have of not-us, the vision we have of ourselves, and the vision our lover has of us. There
is also the vision of our friends. And they are all different. [...] It seems to me that it is not just
one, but hundreds, and that my soul is very Icjana, without any of those adventures actually
touching it.

Isadora Duncan has gone down in history as a dancer who made an important contribution to
the birth of modern dance.

A visionary, she rebelled against the mores of the society of her time and subverted, both in art
and in her private life, the rigid social conventions. She dedicated her whole life to fight for her
"art" in the name of love and freedom. She unleashed merciless criticism or absolute love: she
was called the Divine Isadora, an energetic, captivating, visionary woman; or she was
condemned for her non-conformism. She herself favored her mythical image: in love with an
exalted self-image, she lost no occasion to flaunt provocative and exuberant attitudes,
presenting herself as unique and incomparable.

Childhood

Dora Angela Duncan, in art, Isadora Duncan, was born on May 27, 1877 in San Francisco.
During her difficult gestation, it seems that the mother, victim of a great spiritual crisis, managed
to nourish herself.

only with oysters and champagne. During pregnancy she often repeated:

"This child to be born will not be normal". After the birth, referring to her vitality, she would say:
"You can see she was right: this child is a maniac". Isadora recalls how her mother's malaise
marked her destiny: she began to dance already in her mother's womb. Her mother was a
pianist who gave lessons at home. She was out of the house all day and several hours at night.

As a result, when they left school, Isadora and her siblings could wander for hours at a time.
Discipline, for them, did not exist, not even in the presence of their mother who, passionate
about her music, ignored almost everything around her. Always penniless, they moved
countless times because they could not pay the rent. Isadora did not suffer from poverty; rather,
when there was nothing to eat at home, she took advantage of it to show off her seductive skills
and her ability to take care of the family like a miniature mother:

I was the most courageous of all my family, and when at home there was nothing to eat, I was
the volunteer who was sent to the butcher to obtain, without paying, by trickery and promises,
some lamb chops. I was the one who went to the bakery to arrange a credit renewal. I
experienced a kind of adventurous joy when I made these excursions, and especially when I
succeeded, which, in fact, was not infrequent.

Her parents divorced when Isadora was three years old. The mother, devastated with grief,
decided that all sentiment was nonsense: "There are no wise men; there is no God; there is
nothing but your own spirit to help you," she repeated to little Isadora.
Her first memory of her father was when she was seven years old. Until then she imagined him
as a demon, with horns and a tail, a mysterious guy she wanted to talk about and who had
"destroyed her mother's life.

had destroyed her mother's life>. In reality, he was an artist, a little one who had built fortunes
and lost them several times.

One day he showed up at the front door. Unlike the rest of the family, Isadora welcomed him
ecstatically. She was happy to have, like the other children, a father, and happy, above all, to
receive his attention: "He is an absolutely charming man and he will come back tomorrow to buy
me ice cream".

That "tomorrow" came years later, with a new economic well-being that allowed the ex-wife and
children to live with less economic hardship. Their father's return and economic security were
short-lived: the father left them again for Los Angeles with his new family. The fleeting paternal
experience will leave Isadora with a total aversion to marriage: more than being angry with her
father, she resents the narrow-mindedness of the society in which she lives and which, in fact,
forces women to marry in order to preserve their rights and honor. This refusal to marry is due
not only to her aspiration for a life without limitations, where everything is possible, but above all
to exempt herself from the humiliation of potential abandonment.

She was a very self-confident and enterprising child. When she was only six years old, she
"opened" her first dance school and managed to gather a dozen children from the neighborhood
to whom she taught arm movements. At ten, posing as a sixteen-year-old, with the help of her
sister and the musical accompaniment of her mother, she promoted her method, which she
called the "new system," among the wealthier families of San Francisco. In reality, as she
herself admitted: "There was no system. I followed my fantasy and improvised, teaching the
disciples whatever beautiful things I could think of. His popularity increased and the activity was
quite profitable. Together with her brothers, she appeared in some theatrical performances, with
a discreet success. Not content with that, she began to develop the desire, which would
accompany her throughout her life, to run away in search of a bigger world.

In search of pleasure

I have never been able to understand why, if one wants to do something, one does not do it. I
have never waited to do what I wanted to do. That has brought me disasters and calamities; but,
at least, it has given me the satisfaction of realizing my whim.

Chicago, New York, London, Paris, Budapest, Florence, Mascu....His life was an incessant
series of moves and new beginnings.

With incredible ease he manages to renew and restart many, many times. With her
extraordinary energy she manages, between pretexts and impulsive initiatives: she leads a
carefree life and despises practical matters; she is completely concentrated on her de-scos.
One day she lives in unbridled luxury and the next, she is in ruin. At first she feels physical
repulsion for the pianist who accompanies her, and a moment later, bored with domestic life,
she perceives in him an irresistible genial nature that gives her into his arms.

Her obsessive search for pleasure and, especially, her escape from frustration when she does
not receive the attention she longs for or when she runs out of stimuli, prevents her from settling
anywhere or establishing a stable relationship. In a perennial state of excitement he runs
impatiently towards life: "He ran... to distract the journey and make it shorter.

He had invented all sorts of procedures to give me this illusion. Men, pupils, artists, works of art,
all the people who admired her (yielding to the blandishments of her seduction) and the
ambience of the cities in which she lived.

The cities in which she lived were unforgettable places for her.

better than that of the Sinhalese that springs from the very soil of Hungary? In Florence we
spent several weeks as if in ecstasy, visiting museums, gardens and olive groves. At that time
Botticelli captivated my youthful imagination. I sat for days on end before

But it was above all the lack of stimuli and attention - let's say - that pushed her to transform
reality with her fantasy and to give free rein to impulsivity and debauchery. Her life was a great
adventure, with the illusion of seeking a safe harbor that she never, deep down, wanted to find.
"Pim brought me pleasure - pure and delicious pleasure - at the moment when I needed it most,
for without his offices I would have fallen into a desperate neurasthenia.

[...] "I forgot my sorrow and lived the passing moment: I was carefree and blissful."

Dance

Isadora discovered very early the expressive power of her body.

From an early age, standing on the table, she entertained family and friends by dancing to all
the melodies she heard. Doing cartwheels around a mother caught by her music was just one
way to get her attention. And it was precisely by showing off with his dances that he would
continue, throughout his life, to attract attention.

She appeared on stage with bare feet and a simple white tunic, which allowed a glimpse of her
forms. Without dancing shoes or turú, she adorned the stage curtain with curtains, eliminating
any element that could distract the public's attention away from her per-sona. In fact, for Isadora
it was enough to give free rein to her emotionality, practicing a free and self-expressive dance.
She aimed to exalt the woman's body with its natural movements, freeing herself from the
artificial positions of academic dance. <My ideals did not allow me the least collaboration with
the ballets, whose movements clashed with my sense of beauty and whose expressions
seemed to me mechanical and vulgar."

Her goal was to spread a new culture of dance to elevate it to the same level as the other arts:
as a medium through which the artist expresses her spirit and creativity and which is capable of
forging future generations of women free in their spirit, their movements and their sexuality.
"Man must speak, then sing, then dance. But the word is the brain, the man who thinks. Singing
is the emotion. And dancing is the Dionysian ecstasy that sweeps everything away. drags
everything".

He opened, not without opposition, schools in Germany, England and the Soviet Union. He felt
he had a duty to put his revolutionary ideas at the service of the world, and that these were
fundamental for the transformation of society: "At the end of each performance there was an
appeal to the public to help me find a means of giving to others, with my own life, the discovery I
had made that would enlighten and liberate thousands of lives".

She always wanted to feel indispensable to someone and was willing to make any sacrifice to
satisfy whoever flattered her by asking for her help. In 1921, the Soviet government sent her a
telegram inviting her to open a school: "Only the Russian government can understand you.
Come to Russia, we will give you a school."

In fact, he made only the premises available; he seized the furniture and suspended the hot
water service. These were difficult times and there was much misery. Isadora was surrounded
by desperate parents who implored her to take care of their children so that she could assure
them, at least, a roof over their heads and a hot meal. She was able to give hospitality to only
fifty children. She felt sorry because she felt the limit of not being able to save them all and went
to the agony of caring for those unfortunate ones those who were unfortunate.

Love

The intense need to feel special and desirable found the ultimate satisfaction in the experience
of love. Conquering, seducing, giving herself to the other without limits was the only way she
knew how to appease this feeling of low self-worth. Overwhelming passions, tempestuous love
affairs, encounters of destiny: Isadora devoted herself completely to relationships, without half
measures.

She had countless lovers for whom she was willing to do anything: sudden departures, love
escapes with men she hardly knew, sacrifices, and even humiliation. Under her appearance of
an independent, exuberant and confident woman, one glimpses her desperation and her
dependence on the confirmation of the beloved object: "To live with him was to renounce my art,
my personality; even more, my life, perhaps, my reason. To live without him was to live in a
state of continuous depression, tortured by jealousy".

The theatrical designer Gordon Craig, father of her daughter, found in Isadora the "living
realization of my dreams". He kept repeating to her: "You belong to me. And she, pleased at
such adoration, put up with his sudden mood swings, aggression and fits of jealousy: "Why do
you want to go to the theater and wave your arms around? Why don't you stay at home
sharpening my pencils?".

It was a tempestuous, symbiotic passion, often ending in dramatic arguments and scenes of
jealousy. "He would leave slamming the door. The noise would have been enough for me to
perceive the magnitude of the terrible catastrophe. I would wait for his return and, when he
didn't come back, I would spend my nights weeping bitterly."

The meeting with Paris Singer, heir to the sewing machine empire and father of her first child,
occurred when she had set out to establish a relationship with a millionaire who would help her
found her school. "I understood then that this was my millionaire, the millionaire my mind waves
had gone looking for."

Singer, too, wanted her all to himself. He had grown enamored of the bold and courageous
woman but could not bear her freedom. He used various stratagems to bind her, covered her
with wealth and allowed her to open a school, but his oppressive presence became unbearable
for Isadora, who gave herself to a new love that gave her the courage to flee.

The Russian pocta Sergey Escnin, twenty years younger, is her last great love.

He was the only man she married, forced by Soviet law. She, who knew very few words in
Russian, and he, who spoke no other language, lived an overwhelming passion: intertwined
bodies running around the world among banquets, drugs, alcohol and furious arguments. After
fifteen months of marriage, when the passion was over, they had nothing more to say to each
other.

The disappointments in love could lead her to worrying emotional and physical states: she did
not eat, did not sleep and had nervous breakdowns that prevented her from dancing. The only
antidote was to quickly find a new love to devote herself to, hoping that it would be reciprocated.

I could not work, I could not dance. I didn't worry about whether or not the public liked me or not.
I understood that this state of affairs had to come to a quick end. [...] And as everything we
ardently desire comes, the remedy did indeed arrive. He came into my house one afternoon:
blond, easy-going, young, gracious.

The children

Isadora, who had faith in free love and defended voluntary motherhood outside marriage, had
three children with three different men: Gordon Craig, Paris Singer and a young Italian artist.
She lost all three prematurely: the two older ones, in a tragic car accident when they were with
the nanny, and the third, with whom she hoped to alleviate the pain of the loss of the first two,
died a natural death a few hours after birth.

The pregnancies were difficult: the gestation period made her feel "sick" and hindered her
ambitions, her art and her life.

She did not recognize herself in her changing body, she had a dis-tinct energy and felt the need
to isolate herself and not show herself in public.

I felt a great desire to be alone and to get away from the gaze of all human beings [...] I
struggled with an uncontrollable desire to flee. (...) Where to? Perhaps to the bottom of the black
waves [.../| My adorable body was becoming more and more deformed and I contemplated it
with astonished eyes ... Where (is) my ambition? Where, my fame? In spite of myself I felt at
times miserable and a failure.

Radically different was the experience of motherhood: the birth of her children infused Isadora
with an overwhelming energy, a complete satisfaction. It gave her back all the security and
strength she felt she had lost during pregnancy and rewarded her for the sacrifices and
sufferings. She felt invincible and powerful again.

O women, why do you learn to be lawyers, painters or sculptors, if there is such a miracle? I
knew, at last, the great love that surpasses the love of man. [...] Life, life, life! Where was my
art? My art, and all the arts. What did I care about art? I felt that I was a god, superior to all
artists.

She was an affectionate mother, attached to her children, although she often left them in the
care of their aunt and nanny to travel in the company of new loves or to present her shows.

The death of her three children profoundly marked the rest of her life. The lacerating pain of the
loss, that deep sense of abandonment, created a gap that she was unable to overcome.

It is striking that in her autobiography she repeatedly mentions episodes of clairvoyance,

premonitory dreams and visions where the birth of her children was linked to their death; as if
she was looking for a reason to confirm that she was also in control of that end that she had not
chosen.

The death

On September 14, 1927 Isadora Duncan died in Nice in a rare accident: her long silk scarf got
tangled in the spokes of the wheels of the Bugatti in which she was traveling and broke her
neck. She was happy because she was escaping from a party in the company of her latest
conquest, a twenty-something Parisian. Mary Desti, her best friend, said that her last words
were: "Goodbye, my friends. I am going to glory. Years later she would deny it. According to the
new version, Isa-dora exclaimed: "I am going to love" ("Je vais à l'amour!").

A sensational death, dramatically faithful to her story, because it is to go towards love, to satisfy
that inextinguishable need for love, that Isadora lived relentlessly throughout her life, in the
constant search for someone or something that could fulfill her dreams and thus save her from
herself and her pain.

10

A LITERARY EXAMPLE

From the eponymous novel by Émile Zola

BY ALBA CHARTROUX
Nana is an example, in the field of character study, for the clarity with which the author
describes the fundamental traits of the sexual sub-type of Enneatype 2, as far as its most
exasperated manifestations are concerned.

Naná is born in the miserable suburbs of Paris during the imperial era of Napoleon III.

She is the daughter of a worker who, after an accident at work, drowns his sorrows in alcohol,
and of a washerwoman who, to cope with misery, becomes a prostitute. As a teenager, the
beautiful Naná runs away from her family, attracted by the joy of worldly life; and quickly, with
her irresistible beauty at the service of a devouring desire for luxury and dissipation, she
embarks on a rumultuous social career: first in the demi-monde of the petimetres and then in
the grand-monde of finance and the Parisian aristocracy of the time.

The novel is impregnated with destructiveness. Naná feeds on a social body in a phase of
disintegration that offers a promising environment for her femme fatale plots. Through her
promotions of love and voluptuous offers of her person - which in reality are predatory and
which she later denies, at the very moment when they would seem to give satisfaction -, the
protagonist unleashes ungovernable passions. These passions exceed all limits and fatally
transform Eros into Thanatos. Although she presents herself as a goddess of love, Naná is
incapable of love because for her, "to love was foolish and led to nothing".

It is the story of a beautiful seductress, of angelic and demonic appearance, devourer of men
and estates, and obsessed by an unbridled and compulsive sexuality, far from being
authentically free. It starts on a theatrical stage of operetta doca-dente, a real and at the same
time symbolic environment'. Through this obsession, Naná consumes herself.

The novel begins with the simplicity of amorous feeling and the pleasure that is satisfied with its
manifestation, but that of sexual seduction as a means of manipulation of an unquenchable
thirst, increasingly destructive and contagious, which reaches its apogee at the end of the novel,
with the death of Naná from smallpox while the cries of war flood, dismal, the streets of France,
anticipating the ruin of the community.

The novel begins with the first stages of the protagonist's social climbing. At the age of
eighteen, the impresario of the Variétés theater, who had met her in a brothel, cast her in the
role of the blonde Verus in the operetta of the same name. She is not chosen for her artistic
talent but for the sensual attraction she exudes, for her captivating seduction. Naná acts and
sings in a very bad way, but

*that fat wench who beat her thighs, who cackled like a hen, she exhaled around her a scent of
a life, a woman's power, that everyone was as if stunned.

[...] She only had to turn around and laugh to draw cheers from the audience".

Naná is the "kept woman" of two men who alternate in her bed, apart from other occasional
lovers. She has a two-year-old son, at first given to a nanny and then to an aunt. He is graceful
and silent, almost a small shadow compared to the suffocating impetuosity of the mother. But he
is the only being for whom the protagonist feels something akin to tenderness, a feeling from
which the terrible experience of her childhood has alienated her.

Naná lives in a frivolous well-being assisted by Zoé, faithful collaborator who takes care of her
amorous appointments and protects her from the acree-dors. In spite of the increasing luxury,
the debtors often knock at her door, because Naná dissipates all the patrimony deposited at her
feet.

She seizes it in a breath, teasing those who belong to her, because "she loved to make men
wait".

The pages concerning a gala dinner that Naná organizes after the theater at her house to lure
the rich Count Muffat into her net are particularly important because they highlight the
character's character and frame it.

During the dinner, which lasts until the morning, waves of guests arrive, attracted by Naná's
libertine fame. As the evening passes between delicacies and wine, the behavior of the guests
becomes increasingly transgressive. A fundamental theme of the novel is delineated: the
unscrupulous sensuality incapable of transforming itself into love, represented by Naná and her
court, is dissociated from the other aspects of life and, consequently, venerated as lust.

In the atmosphere of a hypocritical and puritanical moralism, Naná is an idol, the living
personification of a condition to which her victims immolate themselves.

Her relationship with the empress's morigerous chamberlain, Count Muffat, who together with
his wife is the most important exponent of the Parisian aristocracy of the time, is the paradigm of
this type of fatal submission. His religiosity, alranera by his social position but full of fear and
guilt, will not save them from the ruin that Naná represents.

In the licentious ostentation - which is only an unhappy caricature of the freedom of his
compulsive transgression, the sexual E2 hides repression and compresses strong emotions. In
order not to feel the inferiority produced by envy, he exalts himself as axis mundi. In order to
ward off fear and pain, it mocks it. In order to cover up the feeling of guilt, he does not assume
commitments or responsibilities. In order not to feel invaded by genuine anger, he shows
himself susceptible. In order not to feel the thirst for love, he devours and dissipates.

In order not to feel the impotence that can be born from contact with intimate and authentic
needs and desires, he exhibits a completely deceptive affective self-sufficiency. The end result
is histrionics, because emotions and feelings are only dramatized, not felt, played just enough to
represent them on the social and relationship stage like a mediocre comedian.

Returning to Zola's novel, the pages devoted to the dinner at Naná's house contain the gestalt
of this type of character, both in terms of its traits - i.e. the personal aspect - and the context that
allows it to manifest itself - i.e. the collective aspect.
During the dinner, which officially celebrates the debut on the rearal and social scene of the
blonde Vemus, the protagonist exhibits an apparently minor character trait, but one that will
return often during the novel and is worth dwelling on: the repetitive variability of her mood.
From cheerful, uninhibited and flattering,

Naná unexpectedly transforms into an angry, vindictive, touchy and sometimes tearful woman.
The abrupt change in mood and behavior would seem to be an impulsive response to two types
of situations: The first, when she loses the center of attention; the second, when a responsibility
is brought to her attention.

It is typical of this character to tolerate neither. One opens the door to a deadly feeling of
annihilation, and the other to a feeling of inadequacy, both of which are emotionally unbearable.
A consoling word or a withdrawal of reproach is sufficient for the presumptuously magnanimous
restoration of good humor.

In this respect, these paragraphs in which his arrogant haughtiness is evident are descriptive:

Then, as they forgot Naná again, Vandeuvres discovered Daguener, who stuck his head out of
a door and called him with a gesture. And in the bedroom he found the mistress of the house
seated, rigid, her lips white, while Daguener and Gcorges, standing, looked at her with a
dismayed gesture.

-What's wrong with her? -asked the Count in surprise.

She did not answer, did not even turn her head. He repeated his question.

-Well, I have," she cried, "I don't want to be made fun of in my house!

Then she let out a thousand pests. Yes, yes, she was not an imbecile and she saw it clearly.
They had made fun of her at dinner, saying such outrageous things to show that they despised
her, a bunch of bitches who couldn't even reach the bottom of her shoes! She had gone out of
her way to entertain them, so that they would tear her to pieces immediately. She still didn't
know what was keeping her from putting all those pariahs out on the street. And, choking with
anger, her voice broke into sobs.'

It is extraordinary, in the first part of the novel, how the author uses the theatrical environment
as a metaphorical counterpoint to the end of the enoic ramp of the various characters that enter
the scene. Thus, in the au ia prisentation of Count Mun, when he describes how he felt
indifferent to the sensual magnetism of Naná, unable to resist, Zola uie the uncertainty of his
steps on the stage, the restlessness caused by the open balconies to the dark underground, the
suffocation produced by the hot air of the corridors leading to the rooms, by the smells filled with
perfumes and aromas, the caressing temptations of the stage, the sensuality of the stage and
the sensuality of the stage, the anxiety caused by the scorillones open to the dark underground,
the suffocation produced by the hot air of the corridors that lead to the camei.
The progressive vertigo of his beatific morigeration and the whirlwind of ruin that will sweep him
away. But the Count will be only one of Naná's victims, predestined by his wealth and his
position at the apex of the Parisian aristocracy.

As a counterpoint, Naná has the young Georges, a bourgeois teenager with no personal assets
but full of youth and naive adoration for her. For Naná, Georges is a sweet toy whom she
tenderly calls Zizi and who allows her to assume the part of the expert and indulgent woman,
who protects her from everything but herself, while she is filled with virgin fantasies, intact and
sentimental as a teenager with her first love.

Naná, in the arms of the young man, found her fifteen years again.

Under the caresses of that adolescence, a flower of love was blooming in her, between the habit
and the jadedness of man. She was overcome by sudden blushes, an emotion that left her
shaken, a need to laugh and cry, a whole restless virginity, pierced with shameful feelings. She
had never felt anything like it before. Naná plays with her Zizi with a tender and reciprocal
babbling that lasts as long as a breath, alternating with other more remir-Heavian encounters,
such as with Count Muffar or the banker Steiner, who had donated her a luxurious country
house.

Below is part of the seduction scene between Naná and Georges, in which, in a manipulative
way, she assumes the role of the seduced woman.

Georges, however, gave her affectionate kisses on her neck, which increased her confusion.
With trembling hand, she rejected him like a child who tires with his tenderness, and repeated
that he should go away. [...] Then a little bird sang and fell silent at once.

[...] Then, listening to the robin, while the boy was holding her close, Naná remembered... Yes, it
was in the novels that she had seen it all. In other times she would have given her heart to have
a better moon, and robins, and a little man in love. My God! She would have wept, for it seemed
so beautiful and pleasant. Surely she had been born to live decently. She refused Georges, who
was getting excited.

-No; let me go, I don't want to..... It would be a disgrace at your age.... Listen, I'll be your other
mother.

She felt ashamed. I was a big girl. [...] She had never felt such shame. Little by little, she felt her
strength was failing her, despite her scruples and her denials. [...]

-Oh, no...! It can't be, it can't be," she stammered after a last effort.

And she fell like a virgin into the arms of that adolescent, in front of the beautiful night?

The relationship with the young Gcorges leads Naná to fantasize about his virginal freshness,
far from the violent misery of the poor house in which she had spent her childhood, between her
father's alcoholism and her mother's prostitution.
This scene of seduction is preceded by another in which Naná makes Georges wear one of her
nightgowns, effeminating him. In fact, Naná has a deep contempt for men, which authorizes her
to humiliate them.

While he cultivates his sentimental fantasies, he masterfully uses lies and lies to keep a certain
number of lovers.

and lies to maintain a certain number of wealthy lovers to guarantee her luxury and waste, that
compulsive and defensive abundance that characterizes her.

and wastefulness, that compulsive and defensive abundance that characterizes her.

Through a fervent imagination, Naná histrionically changes the characters with which she
identifies herself without integrating them, emblematic of this character:

adolescent intoxicated by pure love, femme fatale devourer of men and patrimony, impulsive
mother, devoted lover, cynical speculator, faithful friend, etc. However, although she seems to
give love, her desires lack pleasure; they have nothing to do with love, but with the triumph of
her narcissistic pride.

Naná is in love with no one but herself.

One of Naná's pleasures consisted in undressing in front of the mirror in her closet, in which she
saw herself from head to toe. She would drop even the ca-misa; then, totally naked, she would
forget everything else and contemplate herself for a long time. It was a passion for her body, a
rapture for the smoothness of her skin and the undulating line of her waistline, and she would be
enraptured, and absorbed in a love of herself."

The love affair lasts as long as it takes for her to prey economically and psychologically
annihilate every man who stumbles upon her flattery. But the inner fire that ignites Naná does
not seem to be dictated by the greed of possessing material goods, which in fact she dissipates,
but by her obsession to corroborate her superiority, her triumph over men or women, her
excessive attitude in a true narcissistic delirium.

And as soon as she finds a man who, while benefiting from her fa-vors, does not submit to her,
then, here she is, a complacent slave of the pleasure of the other, intoxicated by the equally
narcissistic fantasies of an absolute love, now self-annihilating. It is necessary that there be
annihilation; of the other or of oneself.

Chapter VIII begins with Naná in the role of devoted lover.

With offensive impulsiveness worthy of an arrogant queen, Naná liquidates her two richest
lovers and decides to refresh "her old idea of a florist "* through an unforeseen and impetuous
infatuation for Fontan, comic actor of the Variétés. She hastily sells what she can, makes
creditors and lovers lose their hullas, and moves in with Fontan in two furnished rooms,
exhibiting an amorous rapture impregnated with tender melindres, affected simplicity and false
modesty.

However, Fontan soon demonstrates the vulgar violence that characterizes him. Thus begin the
arguments, the slaps, and the kisses, in a crescendo of unmeasured violence. But the
mistreatment increases in Naná an increasingly passionate abnegation. When Fontan, besides
humiliating her in every possible way, steals her last penny and pretends to find the table ready
every day, she prefers, in order not to lose him, to go back in hiding to make the street.

And the more [Fontan] went with her, the firmer she held on, savoring a bitter delight in that
heroism of her caprice, which made him greater and more loving in her own eyes. Since she
went with others to support him, she loved him the more, with all the fatigue and all the
repugnances it entailed. He was becoming her vice, which she paid for; her need, which she
could not do without under the sting of the

the sting of the slaps."

But one day Naná sees Fontan with another woman; and she accepts no rival.... Her love
vanishes suddenly, without leaving a trace. She abandons Fontan and coldly calculates a
cunning strategy to rekindle the passion of Count Muffat, whom she had abandoned long ago
after insulting and humiliating him by revealing his wife's adultery.

She accents her obiety and yudea her life of maintained of lufo, imitated by the other women
and desired by the men.

Then Naná became an elegant woman, rentier of men's folly and lasciviousness and marquise
of the luxurious sidewalks. It was an abrupt and definitive launching (...).

She immediately reigned among the most sought after. Her photographs were exhibited in the
shop windows, she was quoted in the newspapers. When she drove along the boulevards,
people turned and called her name with the emotion of a people acclaiming their sovereign,
while, familiarly reclining in her vaporous headdresses, she smiled with a jovial air, under the
shower of blond curls that fell in the blue circle of her eyes and the vermilion of her lips.... [...]

This fat hussy, so clumsy on stage, so funny when she pretended to be an honest woman,
played in the city the roles of a charming woman without effort. That was the flexibilities of a
lebra, a studied stripping, as if involuntary, of exquisite elegance; a nervous distinction of a cat
of race, an aristocracy of vice, haughty, revolted, setting foot on Paris like an all-powerful
mistress.

In exchange for a guarantee of incredible luxury, Count Muffat obtains from Naná a promise of
fidelity: she must be his alone. This promise is obviously false; she is too fond of luxury and
debauchery. She has affairs with many lovers, playing the role of the outraged woman when
someone doubts her loyalty.
Nevertheless, in her luxury and in the midst of that court, Naná was a real bore. She had men
for every minute of the night, and money even in the drawers of her dressing table, among the
combs and brushes, but that did not satisfy her.

But this did not satisfy her, and she felt an emptiness in her heart, a hole that made her yawn.

Zola emphasizes several times during the novel this feeling of emptiness that grips his
protagonist, this original lack that material riches will never be able to fill. A lack that reflects the
affective deprivation experienced during a miserable childhood and that she confirms, as an
adult, by frequenting the even more sordid environment of an insensitive, hypocritical and
corrupted by the power of luxury.

Unsatisfied and in search of the intoxication of strong stimuli, Naná adds to her love affairs a
stormy homosexual relationship with a friend with whom she frequented the brothels and the
streets, subjugating her with luxurious gifts and demanding infinite gratitude in return.

As for his lovers, he invades their personal lives, eliciting their confidences with an attitude of
indulgent receptivity.

Thus emerges a typical attitude of this character: dealing with the affairs of others with an
attitude that seems impartial and be-revolent, but which in fact is another way of narcissistically
manifesting his personal importance. Nana, through confidences, lucratively attributes to herself
the right to create intrigues to combine marriages, undo relationships, ruin patrimonies or
corrupt prestigious positions in her eagerness to "possess everything to destroy everything"".

But the destructiveness of Naná and the aristocratic society in which he nests, as a reciprocal
reflection, begins to prevail over the glory. The following pages describe this destructive out-of-
control.

Among Naná's lovers there are those who commit suicide, those who end up in jail, those who
ruin themselves, those who destroy their families because of the passions aroused by her with
the haughty indifference of her voracity.

However, the target of Naná's punitive rage against high society is Count Muffat. This, in fact, is
not only the major financier of her extravagant whims; he is more than an aristocrat, he is the
emperor's chamberlain. Although he squeezes him like a lemon

to his (and his family's) complete ruin, Naná behaves as if she were giving him everything, when
in reality she receives only annoyance and ingratitude in return. She subjects him to ever
harsher humiliations, and this is coupled, in Muffat, with his bad conscience: his obsessive
dislike of Naná leads him to the depths of his somberness, to the other side of this prestigious,
austere, moderate image of himself. The relationship becomes more and more degraded and,
at the sexual level, he develops sadomasochism (the shift from Enneatype 2 to E8 and from
Enneatype 1 to E4).
At a certain moment, Nana realizes that everything is disintegrating around her. But he
immediately suffocates this small light of conscience to reinforce the attitude of one who
presumes to give much and receives ingratitude, and to reject the assumption of any kind of
responsibility.

The misfortunes that she felt around her, the miseries she had eaten, drowned her with a warm
and continuous wave of tenderness, and her voice was lost in a dull girlish complaint.

-I feel sick, I feel sick..... I can't go on any longer; this is suffocating me.... It is too hard not to be
understood, to see how the others set themselves against you because they are the
strongest.... However, when there is nothing to reproach oneself for, when one has a clear
conscience.... Well, no, no. No! [...] - Well, no! They'll say what they want, but it's not my fault.
Am I bad? I give everything I've got, I wouldn't swat a fly... It's them; yes, it's them.... I have
never wanted to be unpleasant to them. And they have hung on my skirts, and there they are,
reven-tanting, begging and thrown all into despair [...] [...].

Look, and now I can tell you: when I was with them, they did not amuse me, nor did they give
me pleasure. That annoyed me, word of honor [...] And they crushed me. Without them, my
dear, without what they have made of me, I would be in a convent praying to God, because I
have always been a nun... That's enough! After all, if they have left their money and their skin,
it's their fault. I have nothing to do with it."

With one of her impulsive but shrewd gestures, and considering that in Paris she has nothing
left to devour, she sells everything and, full of treasures and legendary fame, leaves for exotic
destinations. It is known that she lived in Cairo, then in Russia.

After a long time she unexpectedly returns to Paris and meets her son, who lives with his aunt
and is dying of vi-rucla. When he passes away, he lashes out at the aunt accusing her of
neglect and abandonment.

But her irresponsible rage is short-lived: she contracts the disease and dies disfigured in a few
days in a room of the Grand Hotel, while outside the first voices of the war that will mark the end
of Napoleon III's empire are heard. She dies in the decay of her flesh, amidst the murmur of a
crowd incredulous at the end of a legend, with the suitcases full of her last riches still closed.

Liubov Andreuna

From The Cherry Orchard, by Anton Chekhov'. BY CONSUELO TRUJILLO

Almost three years ago, I had the opportunity to do this play, in a small theater in Madrid. And
since the season lasted six months, it gave me the opportunity to navigate the intricacies of the
character and delve into the cause of his suffering.

When you play a character, your job is to empty yourself in order to be even more yourself in
the character, so that the character can make its way through the tangles of the ego and
express itself with freedom and purity. Thus, the more you unburden yourself, the more you
know him; the more you open your vision of life, the more you can enter into his lights and
shadows, unravel his pain and his desire and dare to embody him with lightness, humor and
compassion.

In this transition I was in search of Liubov Andre-vna, daughter of landowners and owner of The
Cherry Orchard, wondering what would be the essential trait of her character, the passion that
dominated her, that conflicted her existence and caused so much suffering around her. In this
writing, I will try to express what, in the course of rehearsals and performances, I was unraveling
about her inner motivation, her madness, her hunger for love and how pride prevented her from
receiving it and kept her away from herself and from everything that could help her to recover
her home, her essence, her garden.

Chekhov wrote this character thinking that it would be played by his wife Olga Skiper -first
actress of the Moscow Art Theater-, as it was. And I sense, from what I have read about her and
the correspondence they had, that many of her character traits (such as her expressive
freedom, her histrionics, her cheerful, egocentric and seductive nature, that enveloping and at
times unconscious femininity that Chekhov was so attracted to) inspired him when writing the
character of Liubov.

Chekhov takes as inspiration for his work the spirit of the Russian landed gentry in the
nineteenth century: a lifestyle in decline, people who lived on their already impoverished
estates, without assuming the decline of an era.

He wanted to make a cheerful play, a vaudeville, perhaps to get away from the sadness of his
life. But little by little, we do not know how, The Cherry Orchard became a drama. Everything
breathes the smell of death. Chekhov stages ruined nobles, an admirable estate destined for
destruction; and his protagonist (the fascinating, attractive and proud owner of the garden, the
admired landowner), he presents her to us already beaten by the blows of life, abandoned by a
younger man and ruined, about to lose the most beautiful property in the county.

The translation of the title of the play is not accurate, since it is not a garden notable for its
cherry trees, but an orchard of a thousand hectares, as Lopajin's character tells us in the first
act. Nor is it about cherry trees (which do not withstand the harsh Russian climate), but about
cherry trees. Chekhov wrote it during the summer of 1902 and the play premiered at the
Moscow Art Theater on January 17, 1904, starring Olga Skiper as Liubov Andrevna, the
mistress of the garden, and Konstantin Stanislavski, the great master, as Lopajin, the former
mujik (Russian peasant who owned no property and lived as a serf), who was on the rise
economically and socially.

The play begins with Liubov's return to the estate one early spring morning, when the cherry
trees are beginning to bloom, after having spent five years in Paris.

Alf has led a dissolute life, as the lover of a man whom he and for which she has lost her
property and every penny. Now she returns to her land, accompanied by her young daughter,
Ania, who has gone to fetch her, with the news that they are going to lose their property if they
do not pay the interest.

In the first act, Liubov returns to her home and we can already feel the emotional and histrionic
display of the character from her entrance to the stage. Everyone looks at her with admiration
and with fear of her excessive reactions, in the face of the tragedy that is coming: the possible
loss of the house. That house where she was born, where she lived her childhood and youth,
where she married, had her children, drowned her youngest son and from which she fled, to
meet her lover, in Farís (leaving behind the mourning, her daughters, Ania and Varia, and the
obligations regarding her property). All in pursuit of love and the intensity that this forbidden love
gave her.

Here is one of her first parliaments, upon her arrival at the house, in which she expresses so
many and so intense emotions, passing, with extreme ease, from one to the other, in a
seductive and falsely amorous tone. Although, of course, she is convinced of the truthfulness of
her feelings:

Is it possible that I'm the one sitting here? (Laughs.) I feel like jumping up and down, doing
crazy things. (Sinking her face in her hands.)

If it were a dream? God knows I love my country, but from the carriage window I couldn't see
anything. I came crying all the time! (In tears.) But, anyway, we have to finish the coffee. Thank
you, Firs. Thank you, my dear old man. I'm so glad to find you alive!

[...]

No, I can't go on sitting. (He gets up abruptly and starts pacing around the room) My dear
armaria! My dearest mesica!

His brother Leonid Gaev interrupts this scene of emotional exaltation, telling him that, while he
was away, his mistress died,

to which she replies, without showing empathy: "I know. Rest in peace.

They wrote it to me.", to continue with the scene of love towards her house, her objects, her
memories....

The theme of this first act is Liubov Andrevna's reunion with her home, with her memories.

Andrevna with her home, with her brother, her adopted daughter, Varia (who takes care of the
house and the servants), her little daughter, Ania (who has gone to pick her up in Paris and has
accompanied her on the return trip), close friends and the people who work for her and,
therefore-as was the case at the time - are in her care.

She will receive the news that the interest has not been paid. And Lopa-jin (former servant, with
a very close relationship with Liubov and Varia's suitor, of mujik origin, who is getting rich with
his business -cs the appearance in Russia of a new rising social class, the small landowners)
offers her a solution, in order not to lose her property: to divide the cherry garden into plots, to
build summer cottages for rent for which he would get big profits, enough to pay off the debt and
much more.

With Lopajin we can say that the modern commercial and practical mentality begins, with land
speculation and what it entails: the ease of obtaining quick money and the destruction of nature.
Here two absolutely opposite senses of life will come into opposition.

LORAJIN: Of course, it would be necessary to remove some things... to clean up a little bit... For
example, tear down those old buildings, this house itself, since it's worthless, and cut down the
cherry garden.

LIUBOv ANDREVNA: Cut it down? Excuse me, dear, but you don't understand anything about
these things? If there is anything interesting and even remarkable in our region, it is our cherry
orchard.

LORAJIN: The only remarkable thing is its size. The trees bear fruit every other year and what is
harvested is of no use because no one wants to buy it.

Two opposing worlds and two characters:

1. Lopajin has built himself from nothing and does not trust what life and his fellow men can
bring him. He is used to work hard and earn everything with his efforts; he knows how to invest
and manage business. He does not mind destroying beauty to achieve his goals; he does not
even think about it.

2. Liubov Andrevna belongs to the lineage of old Russian landowners. She feels the pride of her
class, privilege flows from her blood, there is nothing to do to earn the right, just be who she is.
She lives a life dedicated to enchanting others, to feeling, to exalting love for her way of life, her
home, her memories, her loves, her losses, her garden....

She is a soul accustomed to contemplate beauty because she never had to work for a living. In
Liubov's way of conceiving the world there is no common sense; there is only sensitivity and
emotions, surrender to idealized love for her parents, her children, her lovers.... She feels
protected by her rank, by her place in the world, by being who she is. She does not feel in
danger, she does not believe that anyone can take the garden away from her because it is hers,
just as she did not believe that her son would die in this way, that her lover would abandon her,
that she would be ruined and that her whole world would be shaken.

The whole work is the story of her downfall. Of the fall of a Russian social class embodied in this
kind, attractive, loving woman, admired by all, warm, seductive and powerful. The fall of a
human being who never thought she could lose what she loved the most: her love, her most
valuable treasure, her garden. In reality, the garden symbolizes that intimate, idealized
paradise, of which pride feels to be the possessor and to which he clings, feeling special. A
place deep inside that no one will be able to take away from him.
That place that surely no one understands: emotional, sacred, impossible to be outraged,

violated by the axe that cuts down trees, tramples the flowers and strips the elect of their
untouchable privilege.

There is, in Liubov's behavior, a lack of connection with reality, with the instinct of conservation.
He does not conceive that his life (like the garden) can be cut down.... The crazy idea is: "If I
love this garden so intensely, no one will be able to take it away from me.

My childhood. That time of innocence. In this room I slept.

From here I looked at the orchard and happiness woke up with me every morning. Nothing has
changed. (Laughs with joy.) Everything, everything white.

Ah, my garden! After a dark autumn and a cold winter! To be young again and feel full of
happiness! The angels of heaven have never forsaken you! If only I could shed the weight I
carry in my heart and shoulders, if only I could forget my past.....

Clinging to memories, to the idealized fantasy of what was happiness to avoid suffering, the
pain of loss, the limits of life. And yet, the weight is felt, the descent into reality is becoming
inevitable, the encounter with loss, with decay, with the end of youth.

While I was playing Liubov, in that small theater, I sensed and longed for the rest after
surrender, for the acceptance of reality, for the end of fighting against giants... and I felt that Lin-
bov also longed for it even if he did not know it...

LOPAJIN: [...] Lord: you have given us immense forests, boundless fields, the most remote
horizons in the world, and we who live here should be giants.

LIUBOV ANDREVNA: And why giants? That's fine in fairy tales, but in life they would be scary."

We are in the second act. The action takes place outdoors, among cherry trees, before nightfall.
The atmosphere is rarefied, they should have made a decision and they still haven't done it. The

time of the auction draws nearer every day. She knows that she is going to lose the garden and
yet she remains paralyzed, unable to make a decision. Inside her mind persists the crazy idea
that, in the end, the miracle will happen, because it is impossible to lose her beloved garden,
because life cannot be so unfair to her, because this cannot happen to her. And to the
helplessness of Lopajin (who tries to give her a solution so that she does not lose her farm), she
answers him

opening her heart:

Please don't leave. I feel calmer with you. I feel as if I'm expecting a misfortune. As if the house
was going to fall down on us. [..]
Our sins are many... My sins. I've always thrown money around like a madwoman, and I married
a man who only knew how to do one thing: get into debt. My husband was killed by champagne!
He drank a lot! And I, to my misfortune, fell in love with another man and joined him, and then I
received my first punishment, like a blow to the head; here in the river my son drowned. I went
abroad with the intention of never returning, never to see this place again.

I closed my eyes, I fled in despair, but he followed me, ruthless and rough. He fell ill there and I
bought a house in the country where I spent three years of my life without a minute of respite. I
was consumed with caring for him day and night, and my soul hardened. Last year, when I sold
the house to pay the debts, I went to Paris and there he stripped me of all my money and left
me for another woman. I tried to poison myself, how stupid, how shameful! And suddenly, I felt a
sudden nostalgia, the desire to return home with my daughters. Lord, forgive me my sins, do not
punish me any more! Today I received this telegram from Paris. It asks my forgiveness and
begs me to return. It seems that music can be heard.

This confession reveals the essential traits of her character.

She feels she is a sinner and needs to be understood in her shadow. X. at the same time, there
is a manipulation in presenting herself as a victim, before Lopajin (who is the strongest and
most powerful man close to her).

Blla is expressing her guilt for having ruined her family by abandoning her family.

to her daughters, not having been with her son when he drowned because she was with her
lover. But there is an apology: she was trapped, maddened, devoured by love. She feels she is
a victim of love, there is nothing she can do about this feeling that extracts the best and the
worst from herself. She declares herself an addict. And, on the other hand, she presents herself
as a savior, her lover's nurse, her caregiver to be abandoned by him afterwards.

In this act, we are faced with a crucial event that affects the whole family and all those who work
on the estate: we are just under two weeks away from the day when the auction of the garden
will be held. But what governs Liubov's behavior is the telegram he has received from his
mistress.

Love is also an escape from reality. A disconnection, a way of not finding out that she is about
to lose everything, that she has no dincro, that she is no longer a great lady, that she is getting
on in years, that her time has come? A flight forward, to get away from what she does not
accept of herself, from frustration, from impotence, from limitation, from the fall? And despite the
fact that, in this parley, she speaks of her fall, of how she became a being stripped of dignity
with that man, there is, nevertheless, a pride: a resistance to fall, to bite the dust of defeat.

The theme of the play is, as we have commented, the loss of the estate, the ruin of the
protagonist by a mismanagement of her assets, by a living beyond her means. The individual
problem of Liubor Andrevna is the symbol of this Russian aristocracy that always considered
itself untouchable and that is about to disappear.
*I have always thrown money around with my hands. Like a madwoman..." This disregard for
money - which she mistakes for false generosity expresses an arrogance and superiority (the
overabundance that characterizes the sexual Two) that translates into a:

*To I don't need. In a feeling of being alive in feeling full, while those who are next to her live the
need and the lack that she will cover.

This generosity is an egocentric and narcissistic act, and, at the same time, a

lifejackets so as not to feel the lack. It is grotesque, even comical, to see how she spends, gives
away and lends

how - in the moments when Liubov and her family's state of lack is evident - she spends, gives
away and lends the money she does not have.

There is more pleasure in spending and giving than in withholding and possessing.

For example, in the first act Ania, the youngest daughter, relates to Varia, her adopted sister,
how much she suffered on the journey from Paris to the Russian countryside, because of her
mother's profligate attitude, despite her poor financial situation: "She had already sold her
country house near Menton and had nothing left. Nothing! And in the restaurant at the station
she not only ordered the most expensive, but gave each waiter a ruble as a tip."

Later on (when it has already occurred to him that they are about to lose the estate), Pischik, a
landowner friend, also in ruins, asks him for a loan.

PISCHIK: ... I need two hundred and forty rubles to pay the interest.

LIUBOV ANDREVNA: I have no money, my friend.

PISCHIK: I'll pay you back. It's a trifling sum.

LIUBOv ANDREVNA: Well, let Leonid give it to him.

LEONID: Sure, I'll give it to him... That's what you think!

LIUBOV ANDREVNA: And what are we going to do? Give them to her. She needs them. She'll
give them back. (Exits.)

LEONID: My sister is still in the habit of throwing money away.

This little scene shows us, in a clear way, this compulsion to give, this not being able to sustain
her own lack. While she gives, she does not connect with the fact that she does not have. She
says to the young Pecia Trofimov: "How you have aged! You're older too, Loo-nid!" She can see
decay in others, but not in herself.
There is a rebelliousness in the face of limits, in the face of lack. And also a guilt that expresses
itself histrionically and justifies itself in the inconscience, in the "I have no remedy", in not taking
charge of its acts and consequences and, therefore, neither of the capacity to change, to open
their eyes, to learn, to assume their ethors:

Yesterday I had a lot of money and today I have hardly anything left. My poor Varia, in order not
to spend, cooks garlic soup every day and I throw money left and right. Why did I have to eat
out? That restaurant is worthless.

Money is present throughout the play, but in this second act, especially in a more mysterious
way. Chekhov uses, to make it reach us in a symbolic way, other senses and meanings.

It is nightfall, the atmosphere is rarefied.

"Suddenly there comes a sound that seems to come from the sky. The distant sound of the
string of an instrument breaking. Noise that slowly dies away. "At this noise Liubov shudders, he
feels fear, like a bad omen, a foreboding. The old servant, Firs, says that the same thing
happened before the misfortune. They don't let him finish, but he is referring to the day the little
boy drowned. Ania cries, we do not know why, we sense the sensitivity of a young soul who
feels the love of life and its fragility. And then appears a passer-by, a beggar, slightly drunk?

TRANSEUNTE: Can you tell me if it is allowed to pass through here to get straight to the
station?

LEONID: Yes, come in. Take that way.

(Coughs.) What beautiful weather! (declaiming) "My brother, my grieving brother!

Go to the Volga where the sobs..." (to Varia) Miss!

Do you want to help a starving Russian with thirty kopeks?

(Varia, frightened, gives a scream.)

LOPAJIN (angrily): Rolerancia has its limits.

LIUBOV ANDREVNA (stunned): Here! Here you are! (looking in the purse) I don't have any
silver, but it's all the same; here's a gold coin.

TRANSEUNTE: I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

(Exits. Laughter.)

VARIA (desperate): I'm leaving, I'm leaving! But, mamaital At home the servants have nothing to
eat and you give him a gold coin!
LIUBOV ANDREVNA: What do you want? I'm such a fool... As soon as we get back I'll give you
all I have left. Lopajin will lend me something else, won't you?

LOPAJIN: I'm at your service.

In the face of fear and foreboding, the representation of poverty in the beggar - before that dark
tunnel that she knows awaits her and from which she flees with all her might - it is as if she
cannot be in the presence of the lack, the beggar, the shadow that haunts her; she cannot bear
it. And, compulsively, she gives what she does not have and then apologizes: "I am so
stupid...".

She cannot hold that instant in which she and the beggar are the same and she takes out the
coin she does not have; that instant in which she must admit to Varia that she has made a
mistake and asks Lopajin for another loan. And, as a sea in the background, the omen of
misfortune when she loses her son. And she will lose the house, she will lose herself. She has
received the telegram from her lover and thinks of running away again: he needs her.

And so we enter the third act, the day of the auction, when she has no better idea than to throw
a party and hire musicians she has nothing to pay. Everyone dances and drinks, there are
magic shows, it seems like a celebration, the farewell of a splendorous life.

Liubor comments in an attempt to realize: "It is not really the most appropriate time for
musicians and dancing, but what can you do?

The time has come, she knows it. She expresses her fear, she takes refuge in Peria Trofimov,
the young professor, to open her heart, to let the volcano of her emotions explode. That volcano
that has been, since

needing to remain a good person, a good mother, sister, friend...

LIUBOV ANDREVIA: This telegram is from Paris... That terrible man has fallen ill again, he asks
my pardon and begs me to come back.... Who is going to take care of him there? Ah, what a
stern face he has made, Petia! But what am I to do if he is ill? The poor thing is alone with no
one to take care of him, to prevent him from fooling around, to give him medicine. And why hide
him: why hide him? I love him; yes, I love him. He's like a stone hanging around my neck that
drags me to the bottom, but I love my stone and I can't live without it, Don't think badly of me!
Don't say anything to me!

PETIA TROFIMOV (with tears in her eyes): Forgive my frankness,

but that man has brought her to ruin.

LIUBOV ANDREVNA (covering her ears): Don't say that. No, no, no.

At the end of this act, Lopajin, the former servant, arrives with the news that the property has
been sold and that he has bought the cherry orchard. The servant is now the new owner. The
loss of the garden is the symbol of the fall of pride, of superiority, of privilege. And also, of the
farewell to the beauty that only the chosen ones, with their sensibility, could appreciate. Now the
cherry trees will be cut down and in their place will be built apartments for the verancantes and
thus their owner will make them profitable.

Something that never crossed Liubov's mind because he never believed that he could lose
something that had always belonged to him, his beautiful and proud essence.

If the third act is the representation of the fall of our protagonist, the fourth act is the
representation of how pride, although beaten, can resurrect and adapt to new circumstances:
Liubov will leave for Paris to join his lover. "Yes, I look better and sleep better. It is time.
Daughter, I'll see you soon. I'm going to Paris until that the money your grandmother sent to
recover the pro-perty runs out. But it won't be worth much."

This detail is often overlooked, but that money she takes belongs to her daughter Ania; the
grandmother sent it for her. So, while her mother spends the money in Paris with a lover, Ania -
with benevolent innocence - speaks of her future with hope: "You'll come back, Mom. Won't
you? I'm preparing for my high school exams and then I'll work to help you?

Come back soon, moms.

Liubov loves his daughter, but he can't sacrifice his life for her.

He knows that this trip to Paris and this relationship will be a failure and that he will return again,
penniless, to take refuge in Ania. But she can't help it; she has to feel desired, loved and
needed again; to live the intensity of that passion that keeps her alive. She knows she will be
the last; she is getting older. She will return and life will no longer make sense and (like the
garden), she will die.

All that remains is to say goodbye to the house where she was born and to her jar-din. In the
background, one can already hear the bulldozers that will demolish the house and the axes that
begin to cut down the trees.

"Farewell, dear old house. Winter will pass and you will never see spring again..." She is talking
about herself... and continues to say goodbye: "It is as if I had never seen these walls, these
roofs.... And now I am looking at them with eagerness and tender love. [...] Oh, my dear, my
sweet, my wonderful garden! My life, my youth, my happiness! Farewell, farewell!

It is the farewell to what he always dreamed and believed would be his life. Farewell to the ideal,
to the dream of love, to eternity....Farewell, farewell, farewell!"

12

BY ALBA CHARTROUX
According to the model of the psychology of enkatypes, the character is structured by rather
specific and describable traits, to whose formation a series of social, relational and intrapsychic
dynamics contribute. During growth, every act of life, such as the way of thinking, expressing
oneself, feeling, suffering, loving, etc., becomes conditioned and therefore undefined. The
personal process of self-knowledge, which uncovers these dynamics, necessarily produces a
change, insofar as it activates certain options regarding the way of being and of relating to
others.

This change is a journey longer than life itself, and takes place as the person disidentifies from
the most egoic and limiting character traits. Moreover, it is a journey with a reverse gear. Many
times one returns to the same point, to the same existential knot, although with a different vision
of things that tends to widen as one goes back on the road.

The transformative process is therefore fundamentally one of self-knowledge and begins when
the person begins to understand that he or she is the main cause of his or her own difficulties,
even if he or she has been influenced by various social pressures,

and educational pressures. This process then occurs when one, rather than wanting to change
than wanting to change (by creating a new ideal self, in line with one's own and others'
expectations).

This process occurs when one, rather than wanting to change (creating a new ideal self, up to
one's own and others' expectations), assumes the task of becoming what one is.

This has to do with the task of progressively diminishing and annulling the discrepancy between
one's being as it is and an image, a personality, a way of being in the world that is rather
artificial and defensive, and not so honest. In this sense, the person, with respect to the idea
that he had been building of himself, begins to prefer to be what he is, thus tending to an
overcoming of the ego, which does not mean an annihilation of himself, but rather to become
who he is beyond manipulations.

This involves a voluntary choice and a conscious commitment. The person then ceases to
believe himself to be completely free and already formed; and at the same time ceases to
consider himself to be totally conditioned by the influences of the environment, as if he were a
simple product. He assumes responsibility for what he is (also as a product) and, layer by layer,
strips himself of everything that he recognizes no longer belongs to him.

As this testimony relates:

The behavioral change work was very frustrating for me because, more than changing, what I
experienced was a process of descending into the real world... a painful path towards
discovering who I was. Two phrases from Guillermo Borja were very useful to me: "Pathology is
the denial of what one is" and "guilt is a small child who does not want to assume it.

I worked for a year specifically with the mantra: "Say what I do, not what I feel or think I am",
and the fantasy of myself crumbled before the evidence of my avoidances and denials.
I could not even take refuge in the disconsolate feeling of being nothing, for this represented a
refuge in negative narcissism:

I was the worst of the worst (a noble title). I had to accept that I was the worst of the worst (a
title of nobility).

To be normal and ordinary... to have my ups and downs and, above all, to experience this in-
between zone that, in an anonymous way, was opening its way in front of me and represented
everything I had been rejecting in my life.

TONE AGUILAR

Enneatype 2 often comes to consider its dysfunctional traits as qualities and, when it notices
suffering, it avoids it as quickly as possible, using fleeting enthusiasms or emotional outbursts
and a generally oppressive attitude, which is more the fruit of denial than of genuine trust and
acceptance.

But when the work of self-revelation reveals, in its development, what is hidden behind this
facade of kindness (often accompanied by an apparent and satisfactory self-sufficiency), the
crumbling of the most immature aspects of narcissism begins to be possible. At this point it
becomes truly difficult to continue to feel so special and undesirable, and a voluntary, intentional
change in relationships with others begins.

Thus, Enneatype 2, who throws himself in the front row in an exhibitionist and even invasive
manner, with the intent to capture or at least corner the other, begins to take a step back, to feel
modesty, to abstain. If to the work of self-awareness is added the practice of meditation, this
capacity to abstain can be increased, leaving others free from this invasive attitude.

To begin to take a few steps backwards with respect to the inflated self-image of exaggerated
self-complacency (which does not exclude its alternation with an opposite self-image of
dramatic and exaggerated denigration), leads one to become aware of one's own vulnerability.

This vulnerability, especially in the sexual and social subtypes, is very well camouflaged by the
idea of being indispensable and magnificent, which translates into a compulsive impulse to give
(help, comfort, gifts, maternal care that vampirizes by an overabundance of love) and to
manifest attitudes that initially seem alluistic but rather allow him to maintain a level of
supremacy, a pedestal from which he can offer and offer

level of supremacy, on a pedestal from which he can offer and offer himself.

Even that certain haughty contempt that the sc-xual E2 sometimes displays, making him feel
indebted to the other, can also be conceived as a "giving", in the sense that he also offers his
distance, from a position of supposed superiority: "I don't want to have anything more to do with
you; you don't deserve me".
The rebelliousness of this character is exactly linked to this disguised sense of superiority, since
"you don't deserve me" is also "you limit me", something that causes many relationship
ruptures. In fact, the sexual Two seems indulgent, but it is extremely demanding, and what it
demands is a continuous supply of fuel for its ego, for its inflated narcissism.

Unmasking himself with sincerity as a person calculatedly altruistic and full of pretensions
shatters his podestal, makes him recognize his vulnerability and his own dose of personal
misery (based on the exploitation of the need of others), thus putting himself on the same level
as others.

It is as if the E2 character, despite his longing for freedom, cages himself in the infatuation of
himself in the light of an ideal of emancipation aimed more at the defense of the ego than at true
liberation, since he is not willing to pay a price.

But he does pay a toll: an overvaluation of his own autonomy or, at least, a distortion of the idea
of autonomy, inasmuch as it is based on fantasies of confronting (even if only through
seduction) this "other" potentially experienced as an oppressor. In this sense, rebelliousness in
Dos does not refer so much to the relationship with authority as to submission, whose context
for the sexual subtype is given, above all, in the couple relationship.

However, as well as the compulsive and destructive traits of the character can be traced, one
can perhaps sketch some traits of transformation that are an expression of what, in psychology,
is the most important aspect of the character. The virtue in Enneatype 2, corresponds to
humility.

In order for a change to take place, those ego wounds that the sexual E2 fears the most are
precisely those that can become potential transforming resources, precisely because they help
to break down pride. In this sense, if pride gives way, humiliation gives way to humility, instead
of provoking the typical and conceited offensive reaction.

For this to happen, the person needs to accept the opportunities that daily life offers to take
responsibility, the simplest tasks, with an attitude of learning and the ability to postpone
gratification. Humility in this enneatype can manifest itself through a tendency to put oneself a
tone below how one has always been, while on the other hand maintaining that bit of pride
without pride that sustains personal dignity, the capacity for criticism and a sense of justice.

The Ez becomes aware of his own self-donation, which is totally different from self-indulgence.

As the Ez is pulling back the veils of his egoic defenses, he becomes aware of the insidiousness
of his character and of the painful lack hidden under this apparent self-giving. He begins to be
aware of the fatigue and damage caused by certain strategies of relationship and survival, and
begins to assume responsibility for his character traits.

In a first phase of awakening, Enneatype 2 collapses into the sadness of self-disillusionment,

coming into contact with his most intimate lack. This is a delicate passage of the transformation
process since, again and again, he falls back into his own delusions, unmasked through certain
rabid affirmations of the ego, which certainly do not help him to soften his armor.

In this case the person may even act against it, assuming what he is with the same arrogance
with which he previously unconsciously wrapped his powerful character defenses. In this fasc,
the sexual Ez may show itself to be much less cariful, and enter into

contact with his cynicism, worsening his behavior and manifesting in rude and tawdry ways. His
pleasure-seeking may become more personal, rather than mediated by the compulsion to take
pleasure. He may feel not so "ok" anymore, but that he doesn't care at all.

He may become aware of the passage between the need to receive tenderness and love, and
pride as a preemptive defense to avoid repeating the frustration of that need again. That
frustration that, in its moment, generated the feeling of woundedness and lack and that thus,
instead of loosening the defenses, hardens them again. He discovers his love envy and all the
poverty underneath. Therefore, he may assume egoic traits similar to those of Enchetype 8 but,
if he is aware of his further defenses, this may actually be the last crash of his agonizing
character.

The sexual E2 then lives his dominant instinct (the relationship), beginning to separate it from
his passionate distortion (pride), and seeks a clear confrontation even with the aggressiveness
underlying the impulsiveness that characterizes him, with frankness and without disguise.

He can interrupt his eagerness to conquer, to feel "special" and de-emphasized, and no longer
worry about the effort to pass for altruism in order to feel a step above others. His mood swings
are also attenuated, as a natural consequence of a greater internal coherence.

He begins to see himself as a madman in the arms of his delirium, or as that insignificant little
the insignificant pequericz he has tried all his life not to be.

He notices his disillusionment with himself, but without clinging to the grandiosity of guilt and the
hunger for forgiveness, which would only trigger again all the illusory mechanisms of
compensation for the lack, through a destructive movement that would lead him towards the
egoic traits of Enneotype 4. That is to say, to identify with the lack and to the impoverished
comparison of its value.

If this dangerous regression is also crossed, the sexual Ez begins to accept its limits without
pretending to be what it is not, and sees its own limits as the egoic traits of the enneatype 4.

He even sees others and things as they are, without aggrandizing them in his imagination.
Consequently, he assumes responsibility for others and faces the various endeavors that come
his way without false and grandiose promises. He becomes less complacent and therefore more
sincere.

Then, everything that was excessive gradually gives way to a resized measure, and he accepts
to have simple needs, like everyone else. In short, he realizes that he has lived life as an effigy,
through a constructed image, rather than as an expression of what he simply is. It is enough to
let it emerge.

Love remains a crucial aspect for this subtype, but he no longer exhibits it so much and lives it
with a more intimate dimension, with an authentic interest in the other as he is, rather than as a
terrain on which to excel or as an object, the target of his compulsive pseudo-doaltruism.

Rather than perceiving love as a romantic adventure, he lives it as a profound experience

among equals. In this new state of transformation, monogamy no longer represents a constraint
to be impatiently avoided, but expresses the joy of feeling with the other. In addition, the fear of
being abandoned in love or friendship is reduced as a consequence of a less indulgent and
complacent and more confrontational style of relating.

In the end, love is still very important for sexual subtype 2, but what changes is the way of
understanding it. He does not love less, but he loves more authentically and expresses it in a
less shocking and dramatic way, because his reference is no longer the romantic model of an
unalterable, timeless and unique ideal, but a real person in whose limits he recognizes his own.
At bottom, this has to do with compassion.

As for himself, the sexual E2 becomes more capable of expressing his being with simplicity,
including his needs, and therefore better accepts his limits without pity or shame. Naturally, he
continues to show interest in himself, but less in his image, and learns to ask without
demanding, accepting also the no.

At the same time, he recognizes that the compulsive search for approval has nothing to do with
the human need for love, the satisfaction of which does not depend on his showing off.
Therefore, he learns in turn to say no, without allowing himself to be dominated by the fear of
being humiliated or disapproved of, and therefore unloved. It transforms the most humble algae.
mor into true intimacy, which is something simpler and humbler. Sensuality is no longer
relegated to sexual conquest, but extends to the pleasure of contemplating a leaf, a stone, a ray
of light, or listening to the murmur of water or the roar of a storm. As he ceases to be a slave to
the search for intensity and pleasure, he discovers small and simple joys.

The protagonism of wanting to feel at the center of the desires and admiration of others gives
way to a new perception of oneself, of being simply "nothing special". This also implies the
capacity to slacken the rhythm, modifying the voracious pleasure of stimuli, always new and
intense, with the enjoyment of small pleasures.

Such a process of transforming self-knowledge, which involves the crumbling of pride, gives rise
to phases of bewilderment and passivity which, from a psychopathological point of view, can be
confused with depression, but which from the point of view of the psychology of the enneatypes
turn out to be the expression of certain movements of integration of the more introverted and
modest characteristics of enneatype 4.

The bewilderment also depends on the fact that others notice the change and do not always
appreciate it. These modifications, more or less subtle, do not really make the life of the sexual
Ez easier, but they do make it more transparent. The sense of identity is the result, as always,
of a continuous readjustment and negotiation of the relationship with those from whom one
expects some kind of recognition, but such readjustment is not now to the detriment of one's
own authenticity, since the person is no longer attached to the recognition of others.

The need to enter into a relationship remains, but the style of relationship is modified. The
flattering and indulgent aspects towards others fall away, together with that inevitable quota of
hidden hypocrisy that accompanied them. The person expresses him/herself in a more direct
and sincere way, no longer having the same need to be approved and admired, and integrates
in his/her evolution some aspects of enneatype 8.

This can generate a certain distance with the people with whom he/she usually relates, who
may perceive him/her as less available. This is understandable, because the loving relationship
(in a broad sense and not only as a couple), is no longer governed and deteriorated by a
seductive and indulgent style, but is developed clearly and without any qualms, without
excluding a sincere recognition of vulnerability and of one's own and others' limits.

There is one last aspect in the process of transformation of the sexual Two. It seems a
character capable of living in the "here and now", but only in its most superficial and hedonistic
aspect, and less committed. However, there comes a moment when he realizes that the "here
and now" implies a "there and then" and an "after", which he can put in parentheses, if he needs
to, but not abolish altogether.

Then he has no choice but to stop living each day with the old dose of irresponsibility, but to live
each day as it is, with all its implications, without so much emphasis or nihilism.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

NOTHING GIVES US AS MUCH AS WHAT WE LOSE by CONSUELO TRUJILLO

I arrived in the world in a small village in Cádiz, La Línea de la Concep-ción, on August 2, with
the sun in Leo, at noon. I am the firstborn of four siblings and I was born when the sixties began.

I felt loved and valued in my childhood. From the beginning, I was a father's daughter. "You are
just like dad" was a very repeated phrase by my mother, my abuckles and my aunts. Since I
was a child I have admired him, he was my love, I felt passion for being with him and I valued
his world, his ideas, his qualities... which seemed much more numerous than my mother's. He
arrived from work, whistled from the gate and I ran to throw myself into his arms, and he
received me saying: "You are the one who loves me the most." I would feel that I compared
myself to my mother and that I was better than her.

My mother, with her sexual Three character, facing the outside offered an ideal wife and mother
image, but inside she used to get very angry. She had times when she felt very weak, over-
passed; she got dizzy and got very nervous. I remember the voice of my father, before going to
work: "Take care of mom," and I felt responsible for her. This did not result in me doing many
tasks at home, but in a sense of emotional responsibility that implied, in fact, a feeling of
superiority: A feeling capable of taking care of my brothers, a "I can", "I am stronger-te", "I have
plenty to give"...

With his gaze, my father made me feel bigger than I was, more responsible, more mature,
special; and this attitude was emphasised next to my mother, because she became the girl
before my father and before me. I perceived his weakness, his nervousness, his mood crises,
his dependence on my father. She became small, needed, and I learned next to her not to need,
not to ask, to feel abundant in my resources, in my self-sufficiency, in my superiority. A physical,
emotional, cognitive superiority that grew before my father's gaze. I remember myself as a
cheerful girl, without problems, who did things by herself, who did not miss the family, who could
be well anywhere.

At six years old, the teacher told my parents that it was worth a lot for studies, that they had to
give me the opportunity to go to a better school; and my parents take me to the Teresians,
which at that time had the reputation of applying innovative and more modern pedagogical
methods than was usual in that Francoist Spain and the south of the south.

At the age of seven, my father takes me to the new school, which is Icjos from my house, so
that I can learn the way and later go alone. It was the first day of the course and my mother was
going to pick me up.

The time comes and it doesn't come; I wait for it, I feel fear and anguish but I don't show it; other
mothers and girls ask me and I tell them that nothing happens, that my mother will come. I wait
for her and she doesn't come and, without saying anything to anyone, I start the way home
trying to remember the journey I had made with my father. I get home and everyone praises me:
"Look at the girl, how older, she has come alone," "this girl is unique, "what she is not capable
of.... My mother tells me that he forgot, but the signs of recognition silence my fear, my anger,
my sorrow. Abbundance hides lack, my smallness, my need and my anger. How am I going to
get angry?

How am I going to cry in the face of so many valuation samples? Since then I go to school alone
every day, and then I will take my sister Lorena and my cousins, all in my charge, and I will be
the leader, the guide, the older sister.

Since I was a child, I liked to go up to my grandmother's house, to be with her and my aunt.
They taught me things that made me memorise, I accepted it and they told me how smart it
was, they gave me a lot of affection, they pampered me, they laughed with me... I'm already
starting to look for a place to excel, where I feel loved outside the family core.

At that time, between my three and five years old, my father works in Gibraltar and we haven't
seen him in months; my mother is very depressed. My brother Fale, who was born when I was
sixteen months old, cries a lot and my mother is very worried about him because he came into
the world with an umbilical hernia. I don't claim attention and I learn to do what later, throughout
my adolescence, I will continue to do: leave, look outside what they don't give me inside the
house. And I'm happy with my abucla and my aunt upstairs. They teach me new things, like the
capitals of all the countries of the world; and they applaud my achievements again, they give me
affection, recognition.

I am five years old and there is in my house a girl of about fourteen or fifteen who helps my
mother with the tasks; I agree with her in the green room, where no one usually enters and I
kiss her, I hug her with passion, secretly. My memory is made of these sensations, but now I
wonder: How is it possible for a five-year-old girl to take the initiative in sexual games with a
fourteen-year-old girl? I don't know how it would really happen, but that's how I remember it.

I feel myself taking command, the initiative, in those children's games. Surely, what was behind
it was a fervent need for my mother's love, for her attention, and I think I assumed the role of my
father with her, and he tried to do what he did to get his love.

I remember my father's loving and desire-filled treatment of my mother, and how she resisted. It
was something that was present, in an unobvious way, in his way of relating. For me, it was
clear that my father wanted my mother very much and that my mother was more passive. This
has flowed deep into me and has greatly influenced my sexuality, in my way of living it: in that I
am sexually inclined more towards women and in my way of positioning myself, more active
than passive, taking the initiative and looking for it as a substitute for love or, rather, as the way
to feel love.

A little later, we moved as a result of one of the several ruins that have accompanied my father
throughout his life.

We had no money, but we still lived in the large and stately house that my grandfather had built,
and now we had lost it. There is a lot of sadness in the new house; my great-grandmother dies
of grief and my mother, in depression, does not overcome her death, because for her it was
more than her mother. My mother had lived a very unstructured childhood, without the presence
of her mother, who had to go to Gibraltar to make a living, and without knowing her father, who
died in the war without time to get married. My abucla later married an alcoholic and lively man
from that time, who never took care of my mother, on the contrary. Her only referent, the only
person she felt that he unconditionally loved her was my bisabucla, and when she died, my
mother wanted to die too, and she took refuge in my sister Lore-na, who was very small. This
experience will strongly mark my sister's childhood and life.

I'm eight years old and I'm fleeing from all this; I'm going to the street, to the college, the last
thing I want is to be at home. My father arrives very late, he works all day to get the family
business back afloat, and he also has another job, because if not, we don't make it to the end of
the month. It's a very sad time and I fly, I walk away, I can't

Endure my mother's grief and, at the same time, I feel so responsible for her...

I am eleven or twelve years old. I live another new change of house; now we move to my
grandmother's house: a very small one, in which I hear my parents make love; they are
sensations, sounds, words... I get excited, I get scared, I hide it, but I ever won't forget it.
At that age, my relationship with my body is good; I feel bo-nita, harmonious, tall, thin, cute. In a
pool, I flirt with a friend; he looks at me and my feeling is pleasant, I feel tingling, blush,
seduction. I swim, I feel the water caressing my picl, I'm with my parents on vacation; it's the
first time we've been on vacation, my little brother is very small, we play with the waves, I feel
something like happiness; but I don't know if it's happiness or euphoria.

The sea has marked my life; I also carry in me my father's seafaring heritage, with his
experience of freedom, of longing for immensity, of courage, of going further and immersing
myself in the intangible, of pleasure, cleanliness, of a return to myself. I swim to the bottom, until
I feel danger, and when I feel it, I keep swimming and I see that nothing happens, that the
feeling is even better, and I want to continue swimming, and not stop...

There I don't mind being alone, on the contrary; the feeling is sublime: I find my first sensations
of infinity, of spiritual longing, of being part of the immense. I have always been a very good
swimmer; I learned it from my father. I would have liked to compete, but at that time it was
difficult to pay for trips and training, so I have been a champion among friends and cousins.

One day, my father organised a championship on the beach where everyone was a boy except
me. I swam until I was exhausted, but I hit the first one. What a happiness to beat all the boys!,
and get on the podium and be the best, the best for him, for my father. These small victories in
my childhood gave me a lot of strength, a high, a euphoria that hid the background of lack of
maternal support: the smallness of being small before the big ones.

Then came winter, which was very sad. And at home it was difficult to grow up; I felt different: I
wasn't like my mother, I didn't aspire to be a good girl who got a good boyfriend and got
married. I didn't know who I was, but I always knew that I didn't want that; maybe my only
Defence was my rebellion with my mother. I wanted to go far, be a journalist, teacher,
historian... There I felt locked up and wanted to go out, but I didn't know anything about the
world, about what was out there, beyond the borders of my town.

I'm thirteen years old and I'm 1.68; I'm skinny and I hunch because I don't know what to do with
a body suddenly so long and so strange.

I feel ugly, inadequate, I don't know what the sense of being a woman is. My father moves away
from me; I am no longer his girl, the clegida. And my mother feels so different from her that she
doesn't know what to do with me. Since I was little, she puts hydrogen peroxide in my hair so
that it clears up and I'm blonde like her; she makes me go down the hallway of the house with
books on my head so that I walk more straight, I sign up for children's fashion shows so that I
can walk like the models... I feel that I disappoint her; I have tried but I do not fit into that mould:
I will never be that feminine, blonde, slender and harmonious young woman that she was, well
educated, modest and so attractive to men. I didn't measure up, I felt monstrous and ugly next
to my mother, but I have pride and I don't show her my pain, nor the need I have for her to take
me, for her to accept me as I am and accompany me. So I turned my back on her, rejected her
and considered her inferior to me.
The best thing of my life was school. There I learned, they valued me, they loved me and they
also made it easier for me to travel, leave La Línea.

I participated in summer cohabitations that made it possible for me to meet people from other
places, different from me. I linked myself with the Teresas, I fell in love with my teacher and, for
love for her, I started in the love of God, in religious faith, in prayer. I sublimated the awakening
of my sexuality in the religious experience.

I started reading San Of the Cross and Santa Teresa, I memorised the poems I liked the most, I
saw myself in mystical ecstasy: a love that I already felt full of sexual connotations, when I still
did not know what my sexuality was like. Now I understand that I was attracted to women but no
one had ever told me about it, so I began to look for a strong intimacy with some teachers, and
also with friends, with whom I corresponded, love letters, although I did not tell myself that that
was love.

Now I can perceive how, at that time, my passion for intimacy is awakened, for establishing a
very strong bond with a person I choose, and how I need to be totally special to her. I feel
unrecognised jealousy that makes me suffer. I write poetry, I start my diary, I begin to create an
intimate world of fantasy, sadness and loneliness. In my room I fantasise about my life, I tell
myself that I am different, that my parents and my family do not understand me.

I vay through unknown cities, I imagine myself as the protagonist of a special life, different from
that of my family, from that of the people around me, and wonderful. But the teenager in me
feels lonely, sad, disoriented, with a desco that I don't know where to place and with a body that
rejects. There is no one with whom I can talk about what I feel and I have no references.

My friends start to like boys, but for me they are rude, rude, aggressive; I am unable to share
my inner world with them. I'm thirteen years old and I'm trying: I'm going to gua-icques, I dance,
I let them sob me, I make a gang... but I don't feel it, I don't enjoy it, I'm not myself. Who am I?
What do I need? What do I want, what do I want? What is my place?

A teacher at school tells me that I am like the rich young man of the Gospel, the one who has all
the qualities to be called and, when he is chosen by God, does not follow him. This comment
impressed me and it was very impressed. One day they gave us a strong scolding for going out
late with boys: The stigmatisation of sexuality arrives, feelings of guilt, sin appear...

All remains in my imagination, installed in my memory without being ates-dido because I don't
know how to do it; I just managed to cover it and move on.

So until the age of twenty I will combine my religious commitment, contact with Christian
communities and help to the most disadvantaged with my need to establish strong ties, very
special relationships, the search for union.

The atmosphere is escalating. I am already in secondary education and there the relationships
are more difficult: There are many boys; the teachers are more detached, without the
pedagogical vocation of the Teresas; the treatment is more tense.... It's the jungle. Here it is
better to be hard than intelligent, to subdue people than to study... And I'm fifteen years old, I've
gained weight, I've cut my hair like a boy, I don't feel good about my body but I don't contact it.
What I do is reject what I don't have and hold on more to my way of understanding life: I am not
feminine but I have ideas, strong emotions; I want something that here, in this lost place of the
planner, there is no one who can understand.

I have always had friends, close people who have loved me and groups where I have been a
leader. They wanted me for being a little clown, crazy, cheezy, thrown, affectionate. I had a
special intuition that made me approach people who did me well and helped me grow, like my
friend Pepe Luis, who gave me a hand with Latin and Greek because I had not studied it in the
EGB curriculum. I found good teachers who were my lifeline. Like Immaculate, who made me
recite Lorca for the first time; I began to read poetry and make the words of the poets, their
emotions, their worlds mine...

I am fifteen years old and I am already going to the institute, a greyish building, swelled by the
Levant Sea, which when the strong tidal waves come overflows and floods us. I do a lot to adapt
in studies and in relations with men. I don't feel that I

Buste a lot to the boys of my age, it is cxtrana the relationship with clos. Now I can understand
that I was hiding my sexuality because it was from another indole, but in those years I do not
understand myself and I continue to live in secret my religious vocation; in my gang of friends no
one knows it, in my family either, although my mother smells it and has a critical look at it:
another reason to get away from her and feel rejected.

I'm in sixth grade and I'm a course delegate. You have to make a decision regarding one of the
subjects and I make a proposal. The deputy delegate does not agree with me, there is an
argument and he slaps me in front of the whole class. I feel hurt and humiliated; before the brute
force there is nothing I can do, no one defends me, I despise it and put myself on top to hide my
pain and my fear, and the gap of separation continues to open with the male world.

In my childhood I identified with my father and with the masculine, but now the world of men
does not consider me as an equal and I do not feel like the other girls either: I do not have the
same concerns, I am not in the sexuality market compared to men. What is my place in this
jungle? I continue to take refuge in my religious vocation; in that area I am considered, valued, I
talk about my feelings, I am among women, intimate with people, I give a place, I am not
strange, I am one more and I enjoy a leadership.

Thus, throughout my adolescence I felt drowned, repressed; I could not fulfil the social
expectations of a "good girl", those of a little woman. My mother's demands around my
behaviour in society made me feel strange, insecure, helpless and enormously alone. All this
disguised him as rebellion and disagreement with my parents, their rules and their way of life. In
my inner feeling grew the totally selfish idea of "I am better than them," and also a real concern
to know other aspects of life.
I'm about to go to the University, they start to wake up in social and political concerns. I create a
Christian social action group in a fishing neighbourhood and we work with people

And we celebrate the Eucharist as the first Christians. In this group I feel good with the boys and
I make my first male friendships, which still last me today. Pepe Luis is one of them, and he
strengthens with a friendship that we will later develop more in political militancy in the Socialist
Party of Andalusia;

Later, let's have boyfriends.

'Three new teachers cross my path. Vicky, my contemporary history teacher, opens me to a
new vision of history and what had happened in my country in the twentieth century. Juan, my
contemporary literature teacher, discovered a large number of writers and playwrights from me.
I begin to know the intellectual and artistic splendour that there was in Republican Spain and the
cultural disaster that the Franco dictatorship meant for our country.

Franco had died two years ago and I had been transmitted a very biased vision of the meaning
of the civil war and the dark years that followed it. Another Juan, my Philosophy professor,
introduces me to reflection on a thought that is not supported by the religious vision of our
existence (Kant, Hume, Nietzsche...).

In the year before university, I start to open my eyes, I really enjoy classes, my studies satisfy
me, I'm doing well.

I have always liked to learn, and it is a pleasure that continues to accompany me; I think my
grandmother and my aunt injected me with this passion when, being very small, they already
taught me the main capitals of the world, upstairs of my house. I easily retained the information,
I showed interest and was valued, I felt loved and I was pleased that feeling of achievement, of
overcoming, of feeling empowered.

My father also liked to teach me things, taught me how to swim and helped me present the work
at school, and this made me feel like a daughter. Later I had a profeso ras in the school that
they believed in me and supported me so that I had access to a better education. All this built
my ego but change, in a certain way, it helped me because my experience of life was totally
emotional, I was blinded by the need to feel que-rida, and that my intellectual development was
enhanced in this way in a place where there was so much lack of it gave me a structure and a
lifeline for the storms of love that were going to delay my youth.

Finally, it's time to go to the University. The much-desired moment to get away from my parents
and my people, from that pochy society that, I felt, looked at me with strangeness and distrust,
and in which I had no place. I needed expansion, flying, moving away to find myself. I chose to
study Philosophy and Education Sciences at the University of Seville.

My first years focussed a lot on the senior school, where I could give continuity to what had
been the happy life of my first school. There I enjoyed a position of leader, the sympathy of my
colleagues and the recognition of the tutors. I felt like a fish in the water and spent a lot of time
and energy to keep that place of privilege.

In the classrooms of the university, although academically I had no problem, I no longer felt so
comfortable; that world was bigger and I could not master it. At that time, men were still great
strangers to me, whom I distrusted and with whom I samed. I had not yet learned to relate
seductively to the male world, and I felt that they were not interested. "If they don't show interest
in me, I won't do it for them." Thus, they were excluded from my world and my sphere of

At that time I had my first intense love experience.

I fell in love with a partner and loved her with the passion of a forbidden first love. I had a great
need to be intimate with her and, when I didn't get it, I felt terribly frustrated and unwilling to live.
In our meetings we shared physical affection, deep experiences and our ideals. We never talk
about how we lived having a relationship as two women;

That, in that environment, was a great taboo and we were not prepared to face it.

And for the first time I experienced the suffering of heartbreak. She abandoned me for another
friend and so I entered the first great crisis of my life, to burn myself in the hell of abandonment:
Vomiting, inappetence, I lost twenty kilos, I suspended for the first time, I locked myself up, I
cried in solitude...

I couldn't tell anyone what was happening to me because I couldn't recognise my feeling of love
for her, but I felt it like a tremendous scourge, like pliers in my heart and, above all, with a
tremendous misunderstanding of what was happening. Caught in my young pride and my
overabundance, I could not accept that she loved someone else more than me; that didn't get
into my head. If I loved her with passion, veneration and loyalty, if my love was unique and full,
she had to reciprocate me.

I never showed him my pain. Before her I showed myself plenty and seemed to live the situation
normally. I thought that, in this way, she would return to me, that my strength would win. I was
convinced that I should never show him my anger and pain. The crazy idea was that, if I
lowered myself by showing her my need, she would reject me because she would see my
smallness and feel my incompleteness. This experience was the first love storm of my adult life.

So, I lived my little hell without sharing it with anyone; my pride prevented me from opening my
heart to express my pain. I couldn't bear that others saw me hurt, lacking and needy. Life hit me
and made me drop a few steps from my pedestal. I was twenty years old and a lot of ignorance
of me and my neurotic mechanisms, as well as how unbearable frustration made me accept.
But, even if I didn't understand it, frustration prevailed and I had to endure it; that made me
more human and more real.

There were still many blows left for him to begin to understand that pain is an intrinsic part of the
road.
Now again a woman to whom I had given all my love abandoned me. With it, something broke
inside me and the idea that if I love they will always love me began to crumble. And at that
moment the animal made its appearance: the bug comes out of its cave claiming its place in the
world. I broke my religious commitment, moved away from the female cubicle that was the main
school and threw myself into the conquest of men. I wanted to show myself and the world that I
could conquer them, love them, feel disgred for them and find among them that great love that I
had always longed for. And my first man was my friend's brother. Didn't I have her? He would
have his brother. I tried to be the ideal girlfriend, follow my mother's example and it didn't come
out. Then came Pepe Luis, who has always been present in my life. I began to do theatre in the
university, the world began to open up more and more and to multiply my experiences.

Pepe is the first person I betrayed and damaged without scruples, without conscience; I didn't
know what I wanted and it was pure impulse, desco and search for satisfaction. I loved him as a
friend, but we became boyfriends because he wanted him and I let myself go; I didn't know how
to do things, and he is very good and generous with me. We embarked together on the
adventure of youth, to go to concerts, to travel by hitchhiking or in the old car he inherited from
his father.

We camped in solitary places, we militated in politics... Pepe longed for the intensity of life and
love as much as I did, but he wanted it with me and I was his centre; and for me, he was the
one who made it possible for me to get out of the confinement and experiment, and gave me
security because he took care of me and loved me. In return, I was unfaithful to him in a horrible
way and without any scruples. In an instant the relationship broke up and I moved on to
something else: I had fallen in love with my acting teacher who was older than me and had a
stable relationship with another woman, but I didn't care about that, no one was going to stop
me anymore.

The theatre was from this moment on my god and my vocation, replacing my previous religious
beliefs. I broke up with the one that

until then it had been my life and I immersed myself in the darkest labyrinths of the bohemian,
the night, the despendole, the liberti. naje, sex and independence. In making the decision to
dedicate myself to the theatre, I contradicted for the first time the will of my father, who withdrew
his moral and economic support from me. I was destroying my image of an ideal daughter, I felt
the pain of my father's rejection, but I had already entered the whirlwind of a new life and the
hurricane pushed me to walk away, to lose myself, to go crazy... and I needed it.

At this time, I wanted to be the best in the theatre school where I started my first training, also
the most beloved of my teachers and classmates, especially from the most select group. And I
achieved it: I was one of the best and also one of the most beloved. I had a strong need to
stand out socially; I didn't live it clearly, I was too proud to recognise my competitiveness. This
attitude has detracted from my energy and strength to achieve my goals. I entertained myself by
avoiding the struggle and confrontation, because deep down what I could do most was to get
everyone's love, to have them seduced. And, as I later discovered in the words of de Hugo, my
therapist, "...sometimes to be faithful to oneself you have to betray others."
My experience of sex also rushed with a lot of speed and intensity. I was busy conquering, not
enjoying; feeling desired, not surrendering to my desco. During these years my sexual
experiences were very self-destructive, and my body was a temple desecrated by my need to
have all the men who crossed my path. It was as if in this way I erased my twenty years of
virginity and belief in the purity of love.

I went ahead with the relationship with my teacher, who had a partner and was also not willing
to leave it for me. But all these ingredients made it more attractive to me. Again I was immersed
in a film of forbidden love, turned into the excitement that provided me with the conquest of the
most difficult and unattainable. In these years I had boyfriends, I was unfaithful, I knew what it
was like to be a lover, the clandestinity of love, to do what I wanted, and I did not feel guilty at
any time: I was alive, I could only feel alive in compulsion and intensity. It was the time of drugs,
alcohol-hol, unprotected sex, the night. I removed the plug and my monster came out
demanding his freedom, and he was intense and wild, he wanted everything.

I'm twenty-two years old, I'm at my parents' house showering, my mother comes in and shows
me a paper she finds in my room about the review of my IUD; I'm naked and she calls me
"whore". Again I feel my mother's rejection. I don't defend myself, I just tell her that she doesn't
know anything about my life and every time I come home less, I keep distancing myself. They
are scenes that remain in the memory of my cells, that nourish guilt, the stigmatisation of
sexuality and my way of living it.

Now I realise how much the relationship with my mother has made me suffer throughout my life,
how far I moved away from her, how much I did for not needing her, for placing myself in a
higher position than her that relieved the pain I felt for not getting her recognition. As a child, I
was not the daughter she would have wanted. In adolescence I began to become a different
woman from her.

My commitment to the Teresians was not what she wanted from me either. Then, when I started
being with men, for her I became a whore. When he chose theatre as a profession and way of
life, he didn't agree either. And when he later learned that I liked women, it was the last thing.
How could I have had a daughter so different from her?

My mother's rejection was not evident. There were arguments, quarrels, quarrels, but it was not
evident, but buried: a quiet criticism, a look of disagreement, contempt, disappointment. And his
rejection beated my self-esteem, my strength, and made me feel inco-rect, I was ashamed.
That's the word: I felt ashamed of myself, and so, when I went to my village I hid my way of
living, I changed the way I dress and tried to lead a social life more like the one I thought my
parents wanted for me.

This did not make me happy and created a lot of anguish for me, so I took care of them, so
much so that, at important moments for them, when normally a daughter would have been
there, I was not: an operation of my mother, another of my father, removals...
I didn't tell anyone anything about this, not even to me, so the pain led me to destructive and
crazy behaviours. I always talked to my friends about my parents and my brothers, giving an
ideal family image. I did not recognise, neither before myself nor before anyone, that I had
problems with them that made me suffer. I was running away from that suffering because
recognising it put me in contact with a lack that I could not bear. I had to get very far away to be
able to start questioning my childhood and the relationship with my family.

I began to live from my profession; I worked in a theatre company, I was an actress, I was
fulfilling a dream and this was my life. At that time I learned a lot from the ins and outs of the
theatre: production, distribution, governing, assembling and dismantling scenographs, loading
and unloading vans... everything that entails the fact of theatrical performance. I was on tour
with a function and at the same time we were already rehearsing the next montage.

That living the theatre from all its parts has given me structure, knowledge and strength to make
the theatre a true vocation and fight for it, beyond the obstacles, the lack of help, means or
money. I learned to carry out projects by working very hard, and it gave me a lot of strength to
make a living with it.

This could have lengthened over time, but there is always a moment in my life when, without
knowing very well why, I follow an impulse that leads me to break with what I give to aspire to
something bigger and unknown. I feel a call and I follow it because I can't stop following it. It
happened when I left my town to Seville to study at the university, when I left high school.

Then, when I contradicted the voluncad of evil Father to dedicate myself to the theatre. And now
I felt that I had to leave Seville, the company I worked for, the boyfriend I had at that time, who
loved me and took care of me, everything I had created there, friends, my house... And I did it. I
was not comfortable playing my characters, I felt that something was missing, I felt artificial,
imposed.

I met Carlos Gandolfo at an interpretation seminar; I got caught up with his job and I decided to
apply for a scholarship and travel to Buenos Aires to study at his school. Then I understood that
this was the engine, but that within my soul there were many other reasons. Here, I can say that
he started a trip that had no turning back, that of moving away to find me. There is a spring in
me that makes me follow some impulses that I feel strongly; I don't stop to edit them, I just
follow that intuition and let him guide me without thinking about it.

I was twenty-seven years old when I arrived in Buenos Aires. There I began to discover the
actress I wanted to be and the theatre I wanted to do.

I travelled through South America, my eyes were opened with the strength of its immense
nature and with its people. I fell in love with a woman and allowed myself to name what was
happening to me, be reciprocated and not hide it from others. The loving relationship was very
passionate and possessive: I suffered by living love and I suffered feeling that I could lose it. But
I also started a psychoanalytic therapy and began to work on the relationship with my parents,
to revisit my childhood and feel the pain and anger of the girl who had never allowed herself to
feel it. There I could start questioning the idea I had of my happy life.

I made many friends in Buenos Aires, I lived intensely everything the city offered me: many
acting classes, body work, voice, a lot of theatre. I went deep into the research of my artistic
expression. There I met Juan Carlos Corazza, we became friends and began an artistic
relationship that later, in Spain, would have an important influence on my life both personally
and professionally.

When I go to live with the woman I had fallen in love with, my passion for privacy appears again.
I live love very physically and, at the same time, with a halo of romanticism. I am convinced that
what I feel is the most special thing, that this love story is unique. It's my life but, at the same
time, it's a novel and I'm the heroine.

I am really convinced that my way of loving is powerful, authentic and dedicated; I want to be a
very good lover and here love is the centre of my life.

I'm running out of money and I decide to return to Spain to guide my future. It was very difficult
for me to separate from my love, from my friends, from my life there, but I felt that it was time to
return. Suddenly, in the moments when I have been able to lose everything for a passion, a
cable has brought me to the ground: common sense, the power of reality that wakes me up with
a shock.

In Buenos Aires the situation was very bad, and in Spain, at the end of the eighties, the doors
were opened to people; culture and art were in a state of grace, there was a lot of creative
potential and hope filled our streets and our nights. It was the prodigious decade. I felt that I
wanted to be in my country at this time, to be part of this resurgence of freedoms. I returned with
great fear; I had changed a lot and I felt very far from my friends, my family and what had been
my life in Spain. I thought that, as I was now, they would not accept me. In Buenos Aires, some
of my masks had begun to fall: What I thought was fervently I no longer believed so much, the
Consuelo of Seville was in question, some veils had been unveiled.

Now it was clear that he loved a woman, that he wanted to live the interpretation in a different
way, that he did not want to go back to what was before, but rather, he wanted to bring here
what he had learned and discovered in Buenos Aires. In short, now I wanted to change others.

This is also a topic that is repeated at different times in my life, a leitmotif. I discover something
that changes me, that makes me grow and makes me passionate, and I want everyone who is
close to me to also discover it, so I stop seeing or considering the other. This has happened to
me with my partners, my siblings, my parents, my friends, my students...

Believing that I have in my hand the possibility of helping, of solving the problems and sufferings
of others, part of a feeling of well-intentioned superiority, of a vocation of saviour. There is a
willingness to help but there is also a not being able to endure the conflict of the other without
having solutions, a difficulty to accompany without acting. The awareness of it has taken many
years, many blows, a lot of inner traverse.
So I finally land in Barajas; I was already an Indian, and there are my soul friends: Jose,
Manolo, Mati, about eighties. Faced with the fear of his rejection and his judgement, I took
strength and confronted them, showing myself with everything I was now and expressing all my
criticisms of his way of understanding life and theatre.

Spiritual superiority, I would call it, like when, from nifa, I felt above my parents and my brothers,
above the people of my town and, in the background, I experienced an urgent need to be
accepted and loved. How much patience my friends had with me and how much loyalty they
showed me!

At that time I didn't know how to live my fear, I didn't recognise it and I had compulsive and
counterphobic reactions. Of course, I got sick, I had a fever, muscle aches, tremors, chills,
pimples, diarrhoea... It was my way of feeling my limits. So I told my boyfriend that I had fallen in
love with a woman, I told all my friends, I managed to get her to come from Buenos Aires, I took
her to my family's house. Thus, all at once, without process, without meditating on it, pure
impulse, emotion: that's what I think.

The most important thing is what I feel; I can't see the other, I can't feel the pain I'm producing to
this man who had waited for me. At this moment I am devastating everything that prevents me
from living what I want to live. Me and my life, me and what I want at this moment; but, above
all, me and my passionate love story.

They offer me a job related to production and organisation in the Andalusian Centre of the
Theatre of Seville and I accept it.

I get a good job, a position of power, money and, in a very short time, I can bring my partner to
live with me in Spain. I move away from the interpretation, from the sense for which I had
invested years of study in Buenos Aires, I neglect myself, I forget my deep desco, I take care of
it and the status. The renunciation of my ideals is justified: I have to take care of it, because at
that moment it needs security, it transmitted it to me at every moment, or at least I thought that
was what I needed. I get a friend of mine to marry her so that she can get the nationality papers
and thus be able to work and settle in Spain. There is again that enormous compulsion to give
to be loved, to give me materially, physically, emotionally, because deep down I feared that she
would abandon me and, therefore, I abandoned my essential being, my centre and my
creativity, to the inner girl who until that moment had accompanied me throughout my life. In the
background, the figure that appears in the shadow is that of the woman who does not feel
worthy of being loved as she is, with her fragility, her incompleteness and her fear. And the
crazy idea is: "If I don't have to give, they won't love me"; that's what false abundance is in me.

This crazy idea has marked my life and brought me illness and a lot of suffering, to me and to
people who really loved me. And that figure in the shadows, the woman who does not feel
worthy of being loved simply for being, has been pushing for coming to light all my life. There
are still days when I realise that I am not focussing on it because my stomach hurts, or I am
excessively tired, or I feel depressed and tears appear at dusk when I return home alone
driving.
And then, when I thought I had given it to her, she abandons me, leaves me for a woman. I live
then the most painful and sad year of my life, I am thirty years old and I want to die. I was
twenty years old when I experienced my first great love crisis. With the Loss and betrayal
collapses my whole life. Sick, lose-20, I don't have the strength to get out of bed... I feel lost and
I need to find meaning.

I leave Seville, work, the house, friends and I come to Ma-drid; I want to meet, I need it
feverishly, I'm not happy; I feel miserable, the angel fell from paradise; I go down to the dark
well-

Weak, sore. This is how a great tower of pride collapsed. How is it possible that she leaves me,
that I have loved her so much? I couldn't believe it and it took me a long time to accept it. At
every moment the pride rammed and he wanted to get his head out again with the thought of
"he's going to come back, and he didn't come back. It will take years for me to become more
aware of the traps of my love, of how what I called love took me away from love.

This time of loneliness, of internal dryness, of heartbreak, resembles how I felt in adolescence,
isolated and alone in my world; and again appears that longing of God, of spiritual search. This
time I channel it into yoga and start doing meditation.

Anger and resentment are hidden. I had an encounter with her and her new girlfriend; the
madness is that I tried to approach them, I am so good, so exceptional that I can sustain such a
situation...; and my shadow is hidden. She will appear more soon, during a new encounter in
which I slap her in public; I feel a lot of violence in the face of the impotence of not being able to
get her back to my side.

I feel very depressed, sadness scares me and I resume the psi-co-analysis. I begin to realise
how love is blind.

I lived subjugated by the ideal of this great love, mine, the best, the one I had always sought
and longed for, and so I did not notice the person in front of me, nor her shortcomings or her
needs. Therapy centres me, clarifies me, strengthens me.

Removing the cobwebs from the mind produced by my overflowing emotionality has always
been healthy for me; clarity strengthens me and contacts me again with joy, the desire to live, to
resume my Artistic vocation. I look at night, still in a compulsive way, stories with women that
make me feel desired, attract, conquer, but something has changed: This does not satisfy me, it
does not make me happy, the hole of love is still there but my wound, little by little, heals thanks
to the balm of love to life, to art, the longing of the search.

Juan Carlos Corazza comes from Buenos Aires and we created a theatre project together; then
I continue to train in acting in his studio for the actor. My life seems to take a course, I can
continue to grow and learn and this gives me confidence; I regain a little faith in myself and in
the relationship with others. I do again what I love most in life, acting, doing theatre, and that
redeems me, renews me. I enter a new stage, I feel more internal strength, the pain has
softened me and I am recovering my inner girl. I have the will to live, I recover the illusion.
In the summer of 1991 he had no job, no money, no love, but he was already taking the pulse of
life again. At that moment they offer me a job proposal in Seville, again I make a living as an
actress, the theatre loves me. There will be two years of touring all over Spain with two works by
Federico García Lorca and some characters, especially that of Adela in La casa de Bernarda
Alba, who gave me the opportunity to grow a lot as an actress.

In September I start the rehearsals and I fall madly in love with Susi. And so I start the most
important relationship of my life.

All the obstacles that Susi put to my conquest were precious gifts that hit my pride with a good
de-vastating effect. She didn't trust, so she wouldn't give herself to me until I passed all the tests
that a sexual Five can put on her partner before surrendering. I had to fight and, above all, be
sincere and frank with her, love her by accepting my limits and hers.

His heart opened little by little and I began to value what is not ideal, nor wonderful, but simply
human and imperfect But amabic. The cloud of false love was cleared to enter the thorns of
Coridian love, of facts, of fidelity, of persevering.

The journey of this relationship I will be unravelling in the passing of the years of this
autobiography, but at this point I can say that here began a love story and a story of pain. Next
to Susi I have lived my maturity as a woman and I have had to face many of my shadows, those
that are more difficult to see because they are decorated with good intentions.

The big hinder was always believing that I was on the side of love.

And how do you question someone who is on the side of love? How do you get into crisis?
That's why my big falls have had to do with love failures. The only thing that makes me question
myself is the loss of love, the frustration of feeling that the loved person does not feel loved by
me, who confronts me in my way of loving. With Susi, seduction was never enough, nor was my
ability to wrap her in an intensity of passion and ecstasy, of demonstration of good intentions;
neither did my loving histrionism conquer her.

He always confronted my falsehood, he always distrusted my excess of caresses and contact,

the staging of my love, even in our intimacy. This was very painful for me, because I did not
want to see my shadow, my manipulation, my pulse of power and my contempt for her, even
loving her as much as I have always loved her, but in such a neurotic way. I wanted to continue
feeding that image of ideal, romantic, generous and sin-free love... and she, from her distrust in
the exaggeration of my staging, looked at me with a magnifying glass and never entered my
seductive game.

Susi's attitude towards me has sometimes been very confrontational and painful, but I have
always felt her love and she has given me the opportunity to see no shadow, your selfishness,
my difficulty with compassion and admiration. For a long time I felt the important part of our
relationship, the one that deserved to be served. Seeing this part of me was strong and painful,
but also liberating.
He came along with the deposcerme of the

Seductive image and daring to be loved for what I am, opening the heart to compassion for my
smallness and that of others, and thus, being able to admire Susi, her greatness, her talent, her
qualities, and being able to be small before her, enjoy the admiration for the being you love so
much, feeling that she is better than me in so many things, and that does not make me
unworthy but lucky.

And taking up the thread of the story, through Susi I know

Claudio Naranjo and, together, we begin the work on the eneagra-ma. Almost at the same time I
start my process of gestaltic therapy, I am immersing myself deeper in myself, in knowing who I
am, in recognising myself, in getting rid of the mask, the costume of seduction, overabundance
and omnipotence, and in knowing my shadow, which for me was a great stranger. I start like this
the hardest and sweetest path: The fall of paradise, of what I was, or of what I had wanted to be
until then; the path of completely losing myself and, little by little, exhausting the known
characters to meet my essential being, with my soul.

In 1994, Juan Carlos Corazza offers me to collaborate with him in his school of actors giving
acting classes. It was a very good proposal for me at that time, since it meant professional
recognition, economic stability and being part of a project in which I believed and that would
allow me to grow. But it was also difficult because it meant choosing, losing that sense of
freedom that I have always sought in my life, feeling that at any time I could go anywhere and
do whatever I wanted. I set foot on the ground:

I was thirty-four years old, I had never known how I would make it to the end of the month. At
this time, the weight of the domestic economy fell mainly on Susi. I needed greater stability, to
take root, to commit to life, to the day to day, to the small, to the people around me, to my
father, to our home. So I started working every day with a schedule, and so I stopped being an
aspiring great actress to become a more worker. I committed to school, to my Students, with
pedagogy, helping people to act, to develop their gifts.

Suddenly, my work was not centred on me but on the others, and my artistic training was joined
with my university training as a pedagogue. Daily work helped me to be more aware of my
limitations and to deal with them, and this gave me, at that time, before I turned forty, more
consistency as a person, a more certain security and the dignified satisfaction of the one who
earns the bread by doing something good.

It was fourteen years of absolute dedication to education and the Study project led by Juan
Carlos, along with my colleagues Lorena, Manuel, Catalina, Rosa, Francisco... We sought to
bring humanity to the interpretation, in a work that would unite new techniques together with a
deepening in self-knowledge, where students could know themselves as human beings to be
actors capable of transmitting the lights and shadows of the characters and stories.

Now there are many schools in our country and much progress has been made in the way of
acting, but then there was more gap in training, schools, techniques that would renew and
nurture the actor's work. The Corazza Study was a pillar, and the team of professionals who
gathered around this project we lived it as a mission that was given to us, guided and inspired
by the mastery of Juan Carlos and by the love of our vocation.

There the foundations of what has later been the work I have been developing in theatre and
acting were laid. It was years of intense professional activity; at the same time that my love life
was stabilising. I was also opening a greater gap for my social instinct, which had always been
strong, but satisfying it was at the mercy of the intense ravings of my heart.

Absorbed by work, I disregard the relationship and I don't know that a new hurricane is coming
that will devastate my life as a couple. Again appears the ghost of abandonment, of betrayal, of
not being the only one. Life beats the armor of my pride hurting me where it hurts me the most. I
broke inside having to

Accept that Susi wanted to leave, and it hurt me more to accept and live with my demon: to
recognise that she also left because I had not known how to love her.

That they leave you hurts, that there is another person hurts more... and "everything that hurts is
ega," I always heard Claudio say. I suffered for me, I suffered for feeling betrayed and
abandoned; but Susi's sincerity, her transparency, made me take a step, go through humiliation,
offence, wounded pride, and open me to the pain of conscien-cia. I began to see my part, to
know how I offended her, abando-naba, despised...

This feeling of failure in love, of love catastrophe, tempted me to abandon and throw myself into
the madness of heartbreak and destruction; but I wanted to know what happened to me with
love, how I could heal my heart; I wanted to learn to live in par-reja.

And then I committed with Susi to a process of review, therapy and, above all, I committed to let
myself be questioned, to let the criticism enter, not to defend myself, to let the water enter
through the crack, to open the dam. How much it cost me and it still costs me to be pointed out
my false love, my selfishness, my tendency not to see the other and to want to be the centre of
the relationship; my tendency to possession, how I make the other a slave at my service until he
has to flee suffocated.

It was two years of in-depth review of our life as a couple: entrenched roles, lies, manipulations,
limits, wondering what each of the relationship wanted... Sex was for me possession, impulse,
genitality, search for satisfaction, covering up the anguish and fear of not being loved, my
eternal confusion of the desired being with the loved being. Sex was also histrionism, a mask
that hides my vulnerability, my inappetence, my frigidity, my insecurity and my fear of the void,
of not doing, of spontaneous and deep intimacy.

This is a whole issue in my life, and until that moment I had not paid attention to such a
difficulty, to that anguish that was inside me and contaminated my relationships. The wound
opened and I began to bleed... and also to heal. They were already arriving
Forty years; it was a time when I felt in the abyss; of pain, reparation and surprises. And it was
also years of rediscovering Susi, listening to her, seeing her, learning to love her in another way
that she still did not know what she was like; and simplicity, sweetness, not knowing, not
pretending, walking together without knowing where, giving us permission to discover together
what our relationship was like at that time.

This has been something that has marked the history of our relationship. I suppose that, being
long, it has been accompanied by our maturity and discovering how everything is changing
throughout life.

As two women, everything is more open, less predictable, and my longing for love was a mirage
full of idealisation and myth, a movie that hurt me a lot and distanced me from the other and my
true ability to love. Believing myself special loving, the idealisation of the love encounter, were
conditionings that left me without freedom and true spontaneity when living love.

In that crisis, we received a lot of help from several psychotherapists. Especially from Suzy
Stroke, who was always a friend and inspiring teacher for our love. And also of Antonio Catalán
and Mamen Duran, our therapists, who can committedly accompanied us on that journey.

To this crisis have been added others that have accompanied us: Separations; not knowing if
we would really be able to continue together, to continue the path we had undertaken... And the
background theme is always the same: I want everything and I don't value what I have, I go
over it, I don't attend, I don't care, I don't stop to listen to your needs, to respect your times.

She feels alone, she feels that when she gives herself completely I don't take care of her, I stop
seeing her, and she walks away, she enters the cave of her distrust and her intransigence, and I
feel abandoned, punished. Breaking this dynamic has been the great challenge of our
relationship, and we continue in it. We have changed a lot, we have been understanding each
other, and it is difficult, because in essence we are very different. Deep down, we are a little
Martian For each other, but when the spark arises we burn and, as the great poet Rumi says:
"That the heart burns is what I want. Burning is everything - even more precious than an empire
in this world - because it invokes God secretly at night."

There was a time when I was embarrassed to name loyalty and, nevertheless, I needed it. Now
I do not name it: It is something spontaneous, genuine, intimate, a treasure, a great act of
freedom, of accepting what we are as a couple and what we want; our seal, the jewel of our
intimacy, of our bodies that are transformed, that change, thin, get fat, begins to hang the chi-
cha on them... The mystery of loving your body next to the other body as they age together.

I resume the thread of the story and I have to talk about the love encounter with my parents,
something that threw me into life and opened the doors to love for myself. When I started
working on my relationship with them, I was already aware of the problems I had with my
mother, but I was still very far from questioning my relationship with my father. To be able to see
all the negativity that they had transmitted to me, to lift the ban on internal censorship, the one
that tells us that it is a sin to accuse your parents, freed me and opened the door to a greater
awareness of who I was and why I was like that.

I remember how, in my first therapeutic work of parental relationships, Enrique de Diego

provoked me representing the figure of my father with all his mechanism of seduction and
manipulation on the girl I was, and how I refused to see him, because I could not recognise his
shadow. The pain was too great; if I de-de-idealise it, what would be left of it in a thousand, what
would be left of myself?

To see his shadow was also to see mine, the manipulation behind love and bonhomy.

I continued this healing process in the SAT Program, and it was key to understanding me and,
thus, understanding them: their history, their colour and their shortcomings. To be able to feel
the pain and hatred of my mother, the

Loneliness of that girl so helpless and full of desco that I couldn't express because I didn't have
anyone.

To know the suffering and anaesthetised anger of my father, to feel him so alone, so
unprotected and mute before his parents. He filled me with love and compassion for them, for
my abucles and for all those who had preceded me. There I felt the divine grace of love for my
parents and the immense gratitude for having given me my life.

But it was a long process, which began to take shape and meaning within me and that lasted
several years. Little by little I saw them more, I related to cllos with more sincerity. Rather, I
began not to lie to them, which was what I had done until then. The guilt was disappearing and,
with it, the games and manipulations, both mine and his. My brothers were taking a bigger
space inside me;

I began to treat them as equals and, above all, to need them, to show myself and share with
them my problems, not only my successes and my abilities.

It happened one day. Suddenly, there was that feeling of needing my parents and my siblings,
their love, of wanting to be close to them and tell them about me. It was a feeling that I didn't
remember, that pride had torn me away when I was still a child. I had related myself to them
from superiority and overabundance; they were the ones who needed me and I was going to
help them solve their problems. From my self-sufficient loneliness I bore the burden, the weight
of everyone, and I did not support anyone, I kept away from his anor, from his protection,
sustained by my omnipotence. Little by little it was happening: It changed our way of relating,
and it was mutual: I changed and so did they.

The definitive turn took place when Susi asked Claudio to marry us; we had to continue
removing layers in all areas of our life, sharing our love, opening it to the world. I travelled to the
South to ask my parents for the blessing; I felt that I was about to live one of the most crucial
moments of my life. I undressed my co-
Bowl and I told them about how important the step I wanted was for me To give. My mother
opened up, cried and shared with me all her feelings and contradictions towards my sexual
clection, and I kept opening up, removing layers; we listened to each other without judgements,
without criticism, accepting with compassionate pain our differences and disagreements. It was
the first time I could be before them with all my truth, without having to do anything to make
them love me.

That night my mother came to give me good night, hugged me and gave me her blessing. I felt
that something that had been separated was united forever inside me: a very strong heat filled
my heart and I slept as deeply as when I was a child. Feeling the love and acceptance of my
parents to everything that I was threw me into life with a new strength and full of a sincere love
for myself.

In the summer of 2001, Claudio married us at the Casa Grande de Quintana de Valdivielso, and
there was a big party that we shared with many friends. It was a moment of glory, celebration
and joy preceded by a great work, the one that precedes the commitment.

This time of crisis in the relationship, between my thirty-seven and my forty-two years, which
culminated in our commitment, was also marked by the consolidation of my SAT process and
my incorporation into its team of teachers. It is true that, when you grow inward, you also do it
outward and life brings you what you need to continue growing; thus, life was very generous
with me. Claudio calls me to collaborate in the SAT with what I know how to do: work with
expression, with theatre... What a great gift to be able to continue with my process and at the
same time contribute with my grain of sand to the great work of my teacher! And, what's more,
being close to the East was a turning point in my life: feeling his love beyond my mistakes and
my genius.

After a regression job at the SAT, I was lying on the floor like a rag; I lacked life, I couldn't move.
I had the senation of being the fallen angel, of sia, walled me, At that moment I saw Claudius
huge and majestic, like a great patriarch Who approached and, from the heights, descended to
me, who was perishing in hell, in an underworld of pain and darkness. He helped me get up and
said to me: "I love you as you are, by yourself."

At that moment my heart opened and I could feel my pain, believe in my sorrow, and thus return
to the kingdom of the living. If the teacher loved me like this, stripped of all seduction, without
any attribute of beauty, power and intelligence; if the teacher loved me being a creature
dispossessed of everything, even the primary impulse of life, what could I do?, what other proof
did I expect to feel worthy of God's love, bow to Him and recognise me as his daughter?

And so I begin a path towards pain and, for the time being, towards love. Until then, I didn't
know they were so close together. But this new path no longer has to do with love relationships,
with the successes and failures, with the brawls of this world. This path has to do with the
encounter with my essential being, with being myself, with being what I have come to be, with
heading towards my destiny.
The experience for a time was hell: To know it, to broaden my understanding of human
suffering, to feel human and mortal, to collapse and raise awareness of the subterfuges of my
pride.

One day, in an experience led by Claudio, I lived a very strong loss of control; I had no notion of
space, nor of time, nor of what was dream and what reality; I only perceived chaos, I felt death,
the terror of dying, of not returning, of doing it alone. I think that in the loss of control the
deepest mechanisms of my ego dissolved and I could not bear it.

I resisted, but the wave was so strong that it collapsed; I was stripped of all Defence, forced to
unconditional surrender, to be born again. I had lived some experiences of cycle, of fulness, but
this time, after living Hell, I did not go to Heaven, but to Earth, next to mortals. I felt bumana and
twinned, I felt the need of others, I was grateful to be here, among them. I remember leaving the
room and I contemplated the rabid and hurt nature, like me; I had aged and at the same time I
felt much younger.

I sat next to my colleagues Vicenç and Muriel, to contemplate the mountains at a sunset and at
sunset. The gray snows covered the peaks and did it in motion, the air was fresh, my hands
intertwined with theirs, and pure tears of humanity slipped down my face: To recognise that I
needed others, I felt relief from being mortal and being next to my brothers in this world.

Since then, in the day to day small revelations were coming: More sobriety, being more inward,
fewer words and less need for contact, but at the same time more need for others.

The hell of pride deployed all its violent and destructive force, resisting, not letting me give up,
surrendering, when only in surrender I found the peace I needed so much. For a while I was
very afraid of this hell, and I was afraid to find it again, as if God thought that I had had had a
great time in this life and now I was going to have to suffer and I was on his side. Later, in
another therapeutic experience, I began to understand that there is no hell, that we create hell,
that after death heaven comes for everyone without conditions and that everyone spends his
purgatory and his hell in this life, because both are part of it.

My path of redemption always goes through pain, welcoming him and living with him, making
me his friend, savouring his honeys. After a painful experience, in which I can feel my pain and
the pain of men, my brothers, my heart opens, I am sponge, I give myself, I enjoy human
contact, the body to cuet-po, the fire of love. Here I recover my deep spontaneity, the joy of
being, the love for others and for myself. I give what I am, to what I feel, to my genuine
expression, the acceptance of everyone and my everything.

I am forty-five years old and I write: For me, the spiritual experience has to do with stripping me
of the solemnity of pride, releasing the written script and rediscovering my genuine spontaneity,
the spontaneity that is not exhibited, that is. This, in my world of relationships, is reflected in a
sincerity free of ma-nipulation, without load; flow, be light and crystalline like water, say what I
think without hooks or density, letting what flows from my heart be expressed and that laughter
and humour are always present.
I remember that the teacher once asked me: "If you were to become a Buddha or a saint, what
would you be like?" At that time, I was very committed to "being very humble," and I told her that
I didn't want to be a saint, an answer, by the way, quite superb. Today I ask myself and I begin
to understand what Claudius teaches us: that passions can be transformed into wisdom; thus,
my Buddha is love, it is burned in the arnor, is pierced by the arrow and is delivered to the arms
of the Beloved. It is generosity and dedication without showing off and without demanding in
return. He is compassionate and benevolent.

He has a joie de vivre that is infected. It has a vocation of service and help to those who need it
without getting above it, from the proximity. accompanying, doing what you can without
pretending to save the world.

He is a fighter and he does it with strength and firmness because he has a greater force, a
purpose, a dream. He can make people laugh and cry, the authentic expression is his gift and
teach it to others, his destiny.

As Claudio says: "The fight against the ego is a stage, not all the way." What I want most at this
moment in my life is to stop doing so that the miraculous appears.

And the miraculous appeared.

March 2005: in a review I was diagnosed with a tumour in my left chest. Everything went very
fast: I was operated on, given the characteristic of the tumour, eighteen ganglia in my armpit
were removed; in the biopsy, it is verified that the first of the chain was contaminated, a good
doctor leaves my chest almost without scars in an "artistic" surgery. And that's where my
journey begins with the disease, something I had not foreseen, the fall of the horse.

From that moment on, everything was called surrender and resignation. At first I did not
understand that my life was going to turn upside down and that from that moment on nothing
remained the same.

I remember insisting on going to my first SAT in Brazil and telling me to wait for chemotherapy,
in the hope that it would strengthen me and give me light. But it was not the time to have in my
hands destiny, nor the decisions, but the time to surrender to that painful force, that devastating
hurricane that is cancer and everything it brings with it. In May I started the treatment of chemo,
the ordeal of destroying my cells, my immune system. In each shot I had to face my anger, my
misunderstanding and my fear, in each shot I shouted a big one: "Why?", and in each shot I fell
a little lower. I had several incomes for staying with very few leucocytes and everything that
derives from that. There was only one thing: my body, which, fragile and painful, was pointing at
me the ca-mino, the path of the fall...

Susi was by my side throughout the treatment and also with everything that came after. They
are the moments when you feel the strength of a great love, the support of those who love you
in everything you are. How difficult it is for me to understand that, even in that state of
weakness, of feeling unassisted, without resources, without strength, there is someone in the
world who can love and take care of me! Susi, with the truth of her love and her unconditional
dedication, was crumbling my lack of faith in that love that expects nothing from me, that simply
takes care of me because I need it. She used to tell me in those days:

"You have needed chemotherapy to give yourself to the disease, and it was true: without the
chemo, I would not have done the journey I made...

After the fourth cycle of chemo, I wrote:

I feel that, for the first time, I do not get on the horse of the mechanism of my mind, by doing
more than I can, empowering myself and going beyond my limits. This cycle has been the
hardest, I have fallen into the dark pit of extreme weakness, importance. Not a drop of strength,
eight hundred leucocytes, neuropenia, my candle was going out and there was no way out of
there. I was so exhausted, so lack of halic of life that I didn't want to kiss, or caresss, just pick
me up in myself, just listen to my body crying, that asked me for help, that I didn't have

No strength to complain. Fever, stings, inappetence, debatement...

Fall, physical suffering and, at times, I felt a slight ancjoria and I already wanted to get well, I
was excited, and fall back into the well. My body tells me: "Let me fall, I can't do it anymore, let
me fall at all, respect my will, I can't do it anymore." And I fall with him, and I am again a baby,
defenceless, sick, in need of everything, of food, of a hand that takes me, that leads me, of the
unconditional affection of a mother, of her care.

And I feel afraid because there is darkness, ca-tastrophic thoughts, physical deterioration... And
Susi is my pillar, my strength, my sister, my friend, my mother, my love, my nurse, my
counsellor; she brings me to life, supports me, and I lean on her, I fall into her arms, I cry on her
lap looking for her consolation, I take refuge in her belly and in her eyes, I have travelled next to
her this Way of the Cross and I can feel in the depths the strength and authenticity of her love.

It was that process of stripping my strength, of vulnerability, of loss of control over my body and
over my life that led me to the surrender of heart to life. It was that process that led me to feel
love, that love that now I could not buy with seduction, with charm, effort, generosity and
abundance. The qui-mio left me like a bird, with no energy at all; it's the closest thing to dying,
although I still don't know how that is. And it is that, truly, in chemo our young cells die, the
strongest and most vigourous, in case they carry the cancer poison that reproduces so quickly,
and with it comes the damage to our liver, our kidneys, the spleen, the picl, the eyes, the hair...

At that time I had a bush of long hair that cra my identity, or at least that's what I thought. When
the oncologist told me that I would run out of hair, it was the first time I cried in everything that
was already going through. And so it was: Before the hair stayed in my hand when combing it, I
cut it with a radical peeling and painted it in colours to comfort me, to play, to rebel against the
stigma of the sadness of the disease. I made myself a wig just like my hair, they recommended
it to me. When it was falling, Susi bought a razor and, every time the lint came out, I cut it to
zero.
Bald and Clean I wanted to be, without weight. I didn't get to wear the wig and I took the
handkerchiefs that disguised my baldness. What a liberation to show me without eyebrows,
almost without eyelashes and without hair, naked with my illness!, what a break to stop hiding
what happened to me. And why did I want to hide it? For not scaring people, for not showing me
weak, for fear that they would not call me to work, for so many reasons

When we are sick we fear the rejection of others;

We live in a world that turns its back on the disease, we feel stigmatised. For a long time I felt
guilty for being sick, as if it were the consequence that I had not done things right; in truth, I
lived it as a punishment. How much omnipotent I found in my mind! As if in me there was the
power to avoid disease, as if I were God, as if in this life there was the law of cause and effect.

I thought that, if I had done this or that, or if I had stopped doing that, if I had taken more care of
myself... My thoughts were going to a thousand, I wanted to grab the formula of life, of being
well, knowing what I was wrong with. How much suffering!, how exhausting!, how much
resistance to my destiny, to recognise that everything was in the hands of something bigger, of
a great

Mind that orders and disorderly; How much anger and cares guilt, ; when-

Shame on you!

Little by little, these thoughts were dissolving; in vain I could try to control the mystery of what
was happening to me.

Claudio told me one day: "Are you taking it as a punishment or as an opportunity? His words
and meditation opened the dam.

There was nothing to do, just live it as I could, not even thank it: live it, bow to that powerful
force that was collapsing me. And so, I began to enjoy the small, the great events of my day to
day: waking up wanting to eat a little, the juice that still tasted like something, reading in the
hammock and feeling the ray of sunshine that entered through the window of my bedroom, the
visit of a friend, being able to do a little yoga with Pepe,

Peeking out on the balcony to drink a little fresh and watch how people passed through the
street, listen to music, the contact with Susi's hand, her gaze... Everything was slow, fragile,
silent, and I was living every day in an intense way what I had avoided all my life: feeling needy,
receiving without doing anything, without giving anything.

There were two moments in this process that I want to relate. In the fifth chemo, Susi got a
movie in Valencia. We needed the money and I didn't want her to miss that experience; I felt like
she was giving me all her life, her time, so I had to ask my little brother Roberto to come and
take care of me. How hard it was for me to ask him and let myself be taken care of by the "boy"
of my family, whom I had always taken care of and advised!
Put me in his hands, that he saw me so weak, that he would accompany me in the process of
lowering the chemo, that he would help me get back, fall down and that he was the one who
consoled me. It united us a lot, with a more sincere union. And as life trac what it wants, and
there is a mysterious wisdom in the events, the last chemo I lived with my parents. And this has
been one of the most restorative experiences of my life: To be the baby I was again, to be the
baby I needed everything, to be a sick daughter who needs them, not that self-sufficient and
superior daughter that I became I was barely five years old, but to be a daughter in need of
comfort.

I'm in bed in one of the falls I had during the ten days after the chemo. I cry with despair, I cry
for feeling so dispossessed of the force of life, and now I realise that, at that moment, I cry so
that they can comfort me and feel their comfort. And my mother, at the headboard, passes her
hand in front, and my father caresses my feet gently. This scene healed one of the wounds that
had raised the tower of my pride, the denial of the deep need that a girl feels for her parents:
that bottomless well that we all feel and that I filled with pride, superiority and abundance.

I'm moved to evoke how those Days my father's cheerful voice around the house filled me with
hope, and how my mother's nervous and exaggerated attention made me feel good. I had them
again just for me, as it was during my first year of life, without having to share them: me, their
daughter, and them, my parents.

Fifteen years have passed and I realise that, among many other things, the disease brought
order to my life, it put things in their place. The doctors were doctors and they were there to cure
me, and I, to let myself be cured; my parents were my parents, my brothers were my brothers;
Susi, my wife, my partner, the family that I have created. I felt the friends who were present and
those who could not be present. The teachers were more than ever the teachers and I needed
them to lighten the darkness that flooded me.

Meditation and the fragility of my body connected me with the divine; the action gave way to
contemplation, to a more subtle perception, to the emotion of beauty. There is a flower in my
garden that represents that fragility. Tall, spiked, she maintains herself and swings with the
movement of the wind, that's her dance, she doesn't offer resistance, she lets herself go...

That's his balance, that's how he survives. Any aggressive movement could cut her stem and
end her existence, but she is there, offering her beauty to the world, fulfilling the mission that
has been entrusted to her. I was flooded with her beauty, I was sure that her life would be very
short and that she could be broken at any time by an animal, a step, a few drops of rain..., but
she had given me her beauty, it was offered in all its splendour at that moment to die later. A life
that lasts a few hours, a life made an offering so that I could contempt it, to contribute to the
beauty of the world.

Then I thought: "That's what I would like to do with what's left of my life: offer myself in the
beauty of my essence without keeping anything, without pretending, without seeking to stay,
without sticking to it." And that day I sighed, I found a sense of what I was living.
In an experience with ayahuasca in Brazil, a year after starting treatment, when I was starting to
recover, I found my death, which told me: "Look at me, I'm here, take me seriously." Taking her
seriously was not fighting with her; it was giving her her place, looking at her from the front and
knowing that she is there and that she has been very close to me. Take my life very seriously.

I had a dream. I arrive at the sea. There is a boat with a boy and a man who had previously
approached me. The man sleeps on deck and the boy is in a loto position carrying the rudder.

I jump on the boat and hold on to the mast. We sail to the high seas, I notice that the wind is
increasing and there is danger. I warn you that I am upstairs, the candle breaks, we are
shipwrecked, they rescue us, there are a lot of people and we are on a big shore; I feel a
pleasant feeling, although I have got wet and there has been danger.

"Decisions spring up when they make their way, through the clouds of our desires, something
more essential than our own ideas.

Then you don't look at the price, nor do you determine the result." (Peter Brook)

When I began to recover, the hardest and at the same time the most glorious moment came:
realising that I was no longer the same and that I could not continue doing what I had been
doing until then. The call of freedom, the call of my instinct, of my heart, was so strong that I
could not disregard it; it was genuine; my body spoke to me in all my cells.

A clear and powerful voice told me: "Consolation, do what you want. Now yes, do it, because
you are in harmony with yourself, with the life that has been given to you again and with your
destiny, because now is the time for your holy freedom, and it is not selfishness, or whim, or
neurosis. It's life, it's the call of blood."

And I felt the deep conviction that I was going to follow him. My war wounds became my
reasons, my strength. Rarely in my life have I felt such a deep conviction. I still didn't know what
I wanted, but I was sure of what I didn't; I knew I had to go,

Although he didn't see where nor did he have any plans. And so began my process of leaving
Esrudio, the project to which I was linked for seventeen years, and separating myself
professionally from Juan Carlos,

It is not easy to leave the family. It was difficult, but I think that in a few moments of my life I
have felt so alive and so present, so clear with what I wanted, so authentic. I suffered a lot and
they didn't make it easy for me; it was painful for everyone: for me, to leave, and for them, to let
me go. From time to time, my seductive energy was under examination, my non-cessity to leave
without being angry, to do everything right, but I had an alarm inside me: I could not betray
myself because my life was at stake and I came out of a very hard process of illness, so I was
not willing to change my mind to please others or to fulfil the great expectation that, I thought,
the group had about me.
After the loneliness, the emptiness of plans, the vertigo of the future, not knowing how I would
earn a living, came the wonderful experience of being free again. I remembered the moment
when I left the Andalusian Theatre Centre when I was thirty years old and travelled by bus to
Madrid with a million pesetas in the bank and without knowing anything about where I would go,
but free as a bird, taking the initiative on my way. I was not on that target, without plans, I
needed time to feel empty, that not knowing; I needed to macerate my soul, give space to my
desco, that the meaning of this new life would be revealed. And it was revealed without making
plans or projects, or building anything, simply living.

Time of uncertainty, of fallowness, and now I understand what I discovered at that time, what
brought me that permission, knowing what was the crux of my path. From that moment, I do
only what I really want, and fulfilling my deep desire is the greatest commitment I can have with
myself and the world. I can no longer get out of it, because when I deviate from this path, when I
get distracted, my body jumps like a spring and gets sick or I begin to wander like a soul in
sorrow, and I know that I am not being faithful to myself.

I always sought to be free, with a neurotic freedom that was to get away with mine, capricious
and selfish. I have a memory of my nineteen in which I wanted to go on a school trip; my father
told me that he didn't have that money, but I convinced him: It was loaded with some reasons
why I had to make that trip and in the end I achieved it.

Today it saddens me to imagine my father's sacrifice and my inability to resign and frustration.
But now I was understanding something more deeper than freedom. It is a challenge to be
faithful to the deep desire, to the call, to take care that my choices, sometimes, involve the
rejection of many, to stop being good for everyone, to accept that my choice does not please
everyone.

It is a challenge to take the path of doing what makes me deeply happy and what nourishes my
soul, the holy freedom, and when I agree with it, my life is good for me and for others, and its
fruits are good for everyone, even for those who did not like my choice.

This need was clearly born from so long that I worked in the Studio and sacrificed myself to
maintain the status of being the right hand of the teacher, of living for his gaze. I struggled hard
to convince everyone to do with the project what I wanted, which I considered to be the best. It
was an unproven effort to insist on being right, which began to poison my relationship with Juan
Carlos and my colleagues; a dark time of fighting to make a community project, in which I
wanted to fulfil my dream without leaving there, convincing them to accept my dream as their
own.

And suddenly, I realised that I didn't have to convince them of anything; simply, I had to let them
go and go in pursuit of my dream, me alone. When, for many years, you have been built based
on a group and have a tribal sense, this hurts and you feel linked from the guts, and this costs;
you feel that you are betraying your family.
Who are you outside of this group? It's like quitting a drug, you have to go through the monkey,
snuggle and walk alone; but, when you pass, the feeling is wonderful. I realised how much
weight I was carrying in my backpack, and how light I was starting to feel now....

After a therapy session, I wrote:

Before I wanted others to do what I dig up, that was freedom for me; in this feeling I was a slave
and my life was built around seduction and manipulation to achieve it. Now I do what I want,
without pretending that others do it too, and this is true freedom.

I'm changing the skin, it's joyful to feel it, but I also feel very naked and it hurts. Today I deeply
believe that doing my way is my choice, my freedom, my right; it is the way to respect my
dignity.

I want to keep discovering myself, finding myself. This is living, feeling my life. And my true
freedom, listen to the desire of my soul and follow it. I say to myself: "Do what you want," and to
hear me say this makes me very happy, I feel that my cells dance joy-sas, they celebrate this
initiation. Yes, "do what you want" contains a great freedom and a strong commitment to my life.

So, at the age of forty-eight, I began the most creative stage of my life and in which I have
grown and expanded more as an artist.

It was to let go, and everything began to open: Research with groups of actors the texts that
interested me and in the way I wanted; to delve into my work and realise how much I could help
people when I was myself, how far I reached the other when I was faithful to my deep intuition,
how magic appears and, curiously, how being deeply myself has to do with ceasing to be me
and being a channel of something bigger. Until then, it had been a boce-to; now I was intensely
painting the picture of my existence.

And then the way was opened to fulfil my dream: to act again, to grow as an actress, to develop
myself. And the great roles came, not because the projects were important - some were
important; others, less - but because the characters were important: They were the ones I had
to do at every moment to take a step, to tell the world, to reveal myself, to go beyond myself, to
face the limitation of my character, with the

Distrust I had about me as an artist who was disguised as omnipotence. How many times I said:
"I don't want to work this way or with such a person because I'm special, because I'm a better
artist." These thoughts hid a great distrust of my possibilities. I was looking for excellence in art
for so long that it had not given me the opportunity to bite the fire and face that great ghost that
was around me, with that crazy idea: "You don't serve, you won't be able to make those great
characters."

But the opportunity came, the one to play, and I played it and I gave myself up, and I play again,
and again. And I realised to each song how much humility it fails to do big things, how much
inclination, how much strength to fall and get up, to fail and continue try-dolo; how much love so
that what matters is not the comfort of my ego, its comfort, but to mud it, fill it with shit, hit it, that
it resists, that everything goes back up so that they give it again where it is most.

Art does not allow ego; art is surrender, it is biting fire, mud and effort. It's like a substance:
either you surrender to him and give everything and go without resistance, releasing control, or
he throws you out, rcpudiates you and you become an art official. But that is not my way; my
way in art is to put my fire at your service, this fire of craving for love, of intensity, of extreme
experience of life. And, finally, I was able to do it. What a rest!

One summer, I was talking to Annic Chevreux and Claudio about my work with the mother's
character in Blood Weddings, and Claudio told me: "You have been able to put your fire on the
stage." And that's right: bet honestly on what I can give in art so that art distils it, refines it,
profiles it...

I just turned fifty-one, I'm rehearsing The Laramie project, the door of the rehearsal room opens
and it's Susi who brings me the news: "Your father has had a very serious accident. The ground
opens at my feet. "No, it can't be, I'm not ready." My father was run over when he was on his
bike, at the age of seventy-eight, Healthy, good and happy, as he was. When I think of his
mucrte, I remember Mayte Martín's song: "Never think about death... and not be sad for
anything while the sun regrets, and die suddenly, the day least thought of, the one I always think
about."

Thirteen days in a coma, thirteen days he gave us to get the idea, to say goodbye, to cry, to
console us, to communicate with him between tubes and cables, to talk to him about so many
things, to say goodbye. Two in each shift, and my mother discarded, desolate... Thirteen days to
feel the greatness of this great little man, of this wonderful father. And one morning, my brother
Fale and I, the two together, gave permission to have his artificial breath taken away. The
doctor told me that he didn't know how long it would last. I said goodbye to him and took the
train to Madrid, for the rehearsals. How could I leave? I left, I ran away...

On the train I called Claudio, I told him that my father was dying, I wanted to tell him because he
had become my other father. I arrive in Madrid and receive the call from my sister-no: she has
already died... And back to Cadiz with Susi and my brother Roberto and my sister-in-law,
travelling all night, what a hard night, to arrive and find my mother immersed in pain, discarded,
dead of fear at the loss of her husband, her love, the foundation of her life.

I was orphaned; until then I didn't realise it. How much greatness, how much life and how much
love there was in the presence of my father; how much absence he left us.

When I met Claudio, a few months later in Mexico, I told him about how I lacked my father's
gaze, how I realised that, before, everything made sense because he looked at me, I had been
orphaned and I had not had time to say goodbye, to value his presence. And now, who was I
going to do things for, who was looking at me? I felt inappetising, as if life had ceased to make
sense, without wanting to live it.
Claudio told me to try to communicate with him, talk to him, and he told me a A moving dream in
which he had met his father and felt his love in every part of his body.

I have felt and feel how much my father loved me, and I can perceive his love in every part of
my body, in every cell. Now that he is gone, I feel that deep down he always loved me as I am
and that he continues to hug me from the stars.

It was two years of mourning, of internal process, of acceptance and elaboration of the loss.
Accompanying my mother was and still is the most difficult. To be by her side is to be next to the
desperation, despair for loss, and it is very difficult for me to accompany her; I want her to stop
being like this, I want her to get well. My mother's pain breaks my soul and makes me feel
powerless. In an experience I opened myself to feel his pain and it was immense,
heartbreaking.

After that, I could feel more compassion for her and less burden, less responsibility. I could be
by her side without wanting to change her, respecting her sorrow.

Two years after my father's death, I met the Yoruba priest José Vilas, from Cuba, and asked
him about him. He told me: Right here he is, with us, and he wants me to tell you to go and buy
many flowers that he likes and throw them away in the place where you left his remains. It is
what he needs to embark on the happy path to the light.

As soon as I returned to Spain, I went down to the south and, in a small boat, my brother Fale,
my mother and I were loaded with flowers and threw them into the sea, where we had scattered
their ashes, celebrating their existence, honouring that good man. This ritual did me a lot of
good: Fulfil his last will, fill him with flowers and know that he ran happily towards the light and
that we would always have his legacy.

These last few years have been intense. Beginning the fifties, the loss of my father, a strong
couple crisis, a separation and a meeting, a lot of professional growth... and again, from time to
time, the encounter with my fragility, the feeling of the

Limits of my body, birthday... Fragility! My soul is in her, in her acceptance, in living her, smiling
at her, cradling her, accepting her, that's me. And now, more: It is no longer like before;
suddenly, the awareness of age, of what it entails to get older, to turn years old. My pride fights
to overcome time and my body, because within me there is an unbeatable "I can, I will not be
like the others, I will be able to do more." Learning to live without having control, with this fear,
with the needs of my body, smiling at my fragility, are part of the way. "In the acceptance of
weakness is true strength."

I think this is a healing mantra for a proud man. Contact with weakness is wisdom, it is a guide,
it enlightens us, it brings us closer to our essence, to love.

How is my life now, at fifty-six years old? What is it like to work, to travel with this body, with this
soul, with this age? What is it like to accept tiredness, the taste for the small, for the
contemplation of life? I always wanted to be present, but it was a prosence that was lost in
pleasing, in showing the other my worth, in doing, that was lost in the gaze of the other, in the
magnification of me, fleeing from how small I felt. It was a life that made sense in intensity.

At this moment I am finishing this story of my life in a place far and lost beyond the seas. The
trip has vapulated me, I have become sick; I have felt insecure, tiny, and what I most like is to
go home, to be sitting in my room, without moving.

I remember that story that Claudio told about the experienced searcher who does not need to
move from his room to find the longed-for blue bird, a metaphor of knowledge, because
everything he is looking for is there, in that centre, in that simplicity. And, along with this need
that is coming and distilled, I feel within me the fear of losing strength, the fear of abysses and,
at the same time, a great need to live intensely, to eat everything.

After my illness, I had years of Heaven, of not wanting to return to the world. It was a time to
leave this world, it was the More spiritual time of my trip. From the age of fifty, it is as if life
devoured me again, with an immense desire to squeeze it, to live it. It is nice to feel it, because
the quality of my experience has expanded, but every now and then I get tired, I want to stop,
calm down, contemplate, stay still, feel the heartbeat of my existence and prepare to let go.

I understand more deeply the practice that Claudio teaches us: Observe the thought, be the
observer who observes one thought after another. I'm not used to it; I observe emotions more.

Now I observe the thoughts, and I realise how all those thoughts weigh me, of the slavery of the
mind. Everything is in my mind, even if I don't realise it, and it roars and conditions my life. And
it is my way to be more aware of my mind, to become more aware of the shadow of my mind;
because that shadow conditions my actions, my emotions, my behaviour.

In another therapeutic experience I could feel in an extreme way the presence of the mind, the
unbridled movement of my thoughts. I could see them as if I had a magnifying glass to amplify
them: their voices, their noise, their chaos... And I realise that it is consciousness that liberates
that space. If I can be more aware of that mental movement every day, it will be liberated and
opening more space: Meditate, observe the mind in the breath, and see if little by little more
space is created between thought and thought. In these spaces there is the liberation of the
mind, there is happiness.

And I realise that, in my measurement time, the intention is to calm the mind, to calm it down,
but not to observe it. My concentration focusses on the body, on the sensations, on the emotion
and on some understandings that come, but there is no specific attention to the knowledge of
the mind, to its darkness and its light. And, little by little, humour and conscience relieve me: the
awareness that the noise of that mind is an unbearable martyrdom that takes me away from my
true life, from the longed-for peace...

When the body decays, it comes time to illuminate the mind to understand the Mystery; it is time
to feed the spirit and let myself be guided by it. It takes the soul to walk in this life.
Don't miss my soul; I want to feel it at every step. Why decipher the sea if the waves return it to
you without thinking.

And I end this story of my life with the inspiration of the words of my teacher, Claudio Naranjo:
"No one is able to perceive the blue bird except with the eyes of an experienced searcher. It
takes the experience and pain of the trip to be able to penetrate the invisible that was always
there."

Four years later I write this epilogue

I didn't dare write this epilogue.

I still resist but that the publication of this book has been delayed and that four years have
passed since I finished this biography give me the opportunity and the impulse to do it.

In October 2018, I return from a trip to Amsterdam with Susi. The relationship is very
deteriorated; it's as if we didn't understand each other in essence, as if we spoke different
languages.

It is hard and necessary to recognise that love is not enough, that sometimes the paths diverge
and that the needs of two beings who love each other are not met.

Susi had been whispering it for a long time, and I also knew that the idea was there, even if I
refused to name it, to give it space between the realities that my mind decides to let in. There is
nothing to say or do: she tells me that she is leaving and, when I return from a SAT Program
course in Russia, she has left home. And I find my home without it and without half the furniture.
A house robbed as a reflection of my existence at that moment. The greatest fear of my life has
taken its name: it is already something I can tell, but it has cost me and it costs me.

On January 1, 2019 I wrote to Claudio to tell him all this, and I share here his answer:

Dear Consolation,

I'm still in Italy, and I haven't even used the phone since my last hospitalisation here, focussing
on finishing my writings before losing the body that is failing me more and more. I am very sorry
for your suffering after your separation after twenty-seven years with Susi, and I wish you not to
shy away from it, so that it serves you to the maximum - since, apparently, nothing gives us as
much as what we lose -

A big hug until a little while longer...

Claudio.

His words fucron for me a healing mantra: "do not shy away from pain so that it serves you to
the maximum," and "nothing gives us as much as what we lose."
It has been more than a year and I have not yet separated by den-tro, nor have I stopped loving,
nor have I detached myself.

In July 2019, our teacher dies. And the question I asked Claudio when my father died appears,
again: Who is looking at me now? Who is a witness to my life? The father is no longer there, the
teacher is no longer there, the loved one is no longer there. Who's looking at me, then? Who do
I live for? Just yesterday I said to a friend: for God, for myself, for that essence that has
accompanied me since I have existed, for my soul.

Path of the heroes, although I would like to keep in mind more heroines, and although there are
fewer examples of them. I think of Oedipus, who until he tore his eyes didn't start to look inside,
and I remember Claudio's words when I got sick: "Have you taken it as a punishment or as an
opportunity?"

I know that what I sweet is ego, to feel the failure of love when I believed that love was
everything in my life, to feel that word: separate-me, to feel abandoned, abandoned; to feel that
everything has collapsed. It's ego because I start from believing that I am someone, that I am
the cause, that I could avoid it. If I could feel the sweet humility there would be pain, sadness,
but no anguish or suffering.

I wrote these words after an intense therapeutic experience in Brindisi, last year:

I realise that everything is dying, that living is dying continuously.

I have the dream I had when Claudio left, in which I wondered why I didn't accompany him in
the pasco. And the answer was in the experience: I stayed here to learn how to die.

It's all about dying, and we don't know how to do it, or at least I don't know.

And to live is that to die at every moment, to every bond, to every bond, to every experience. It
is to stop imprisoning, to postpone, it is simply to let go, to let go and receive the new that
comes, to release again.

I'm about to discover what love is like after letting go, stripping, disassociating me; but the bond
does not disappear; the aradu-ra, the tie, the knot disappears.

At times, a feeling of newly discovered freedom, of deep spontaneity.

A me with me, alone, and enjoy it.

But, suddenly, the anguish brought me loneliness, death, disease, a feeling deep and too
fragile, and making my heart to get ahead and go to the theatre, study, talk to my mother on the
phone, go out on the street, take a plane, give a course, return home, go to bed, make food, buy
clothes, see people.

Everything is very strange and, at times, very difficult.

Within me there is a continuous struggle, with a tendency to let me go, to want to disappear, to
cry and not stop.

And, suddenly, life, the sun, the balcony and the park, the dogs and the theatre; the theatre is
saving me.

Being able to channel into art despair, anger, frustration, impotence, desolation and also love.

Because I feel love.

And I feel very sensitive to the small signs of love of others, and I value them more than ever.

Small things.

And feel what I am: a little being. That would be the cure. The renunciation of the great.

And yet, I continue to reflect, delving into that holy freedom, into that caracre of warrior,
rebellious, wild, animal essence.

How to transform sin into virtue, passion into gift, error into talent? How can we not deny the
essence, that jewel that the girl I was dreamed of in time, full of innocence? To be, to be what I
am, to embrace destiny without shame and without pride, with humility and gratitude.

Take the gifts, create with them. The joy of being!

And poetry helps me; it helps me to read it, recite it, work with it and write it. "One word and
everything lights up," says Mouawad.

Thus, I want to end this story with words that inspire me, enlighten me, heal me, fill with
meaning this becoming in which I feel out of all control, thrown into the abysses, and only poetry
and theatre, which is also poetry, support me.

I usually write from texts that cross me; I like it Make them mine and add my words to them.
This is how I merge with Sophoces, Lorca, Gioconda Belli, Virginia Wolf... All of them are in this
last poem and I myself with all of them:

Make way for the woman who did not fear the tides of love or the hurricanes of contempt...

I need the strength, the energy, the jump, the endurance, to feel the owner, lady of my life, to
recognise myself in my face

Of two, of 30, of 40, of so years.

Now I am Orlanda and I live the gift of having been in the twentieth century, in the twenty-first
century and, why not, in the xxI.

"You are the one who paints the margin that disfigures the image of what was always fair.
Should a law that is inhumane be obeyed?

I do not know, nor now does it come to the case if it was divine forces, the living nature or the
power of the universe who created the immutable and unwritten, unwritten, unmemorable and
eternal laws, arising at the same time as the brilliance of consciousness, which differentiate us
from the beasts, which oblige us and link us by resonating with a remote voice in the depths of
the soul.

I'm not going to obey you by betraying my nature."

But I tell Antigona that beasts are more merciful than the laws of our civilisation, freer and more
you knew.

I would like to be a beast and recognise myself in my animal, and surrender to the limits of my
body, of my father, of my ailments, and settle for contemplating, saying goodbye, hugging
myself and withdrawing, stop fighting, as an older animal that I already am.

And yet... jay!, however... "hope bites me like a dying wolf."

I resist, I rebel,

"I dance, I get naked, I wrap you up, you wrap me up..."

You asked me, what's left to come?

I don't know, because I'm still in this transit.

Amazed at the metamorphosis of my body, my flesh, my san-gre, my bones.

I fear and tremble for what is to come.

And you answer me: love.

And I tell you: not even that, silence.

The metamorphosis will be that of silence, the freedom of silence, the calm, the disappearance
of the eagerness, the ray of sunshine that simply warms, the listening to all my secrets, the
deep embrace, the love I love myself, the love I love you without you having to love me, the
joyful heartbeat, the anhclada conformity, the dance without effort, the surrender to becoming
without conditions; the metamorphosis will be life, life, life, life, the time of the soul of life!

And then, we will travel there, to where Antigona and Orlando, Oedipus and Tiresias were, and
Juan, my father, and Claudio, my teacher; where we all go, to the last metamorphosis.

Flight to death.

Without wings.
Without eyes.

Without a body.

Lady of the stars of burning breath, teacher of night songs, pose me with your frenzy, show me
the light in the dark.

Mom?

Dad?

Love of my life!

Help me!

"Silence is searing.

I am stone meat.

Soon just dust.

Maybe this is what it has to be:

Between being and not being until nothing is."

"Living without yesterday, living without a future."

I dissolve in you, Lady of Souls.

A part of the whole that is everything and is nothing.

Disseminated in the wind.

Released.

Make me dance.

Make me dance.

Make me dance.

CONSERVATION E2: PRIVILEGE

CHAPTER 1: THE PASSION IN THE SPHERE OF THE INSTINCT - HOW PRIDE ACTS IN THE
CONSERVATIONAL
 This subtype feels that existing is enough to have the right to receive affection.
You shouldn’t have to do anything to receive care and love. There is the belief one
cannot be alone, they need another through who he is going to protect his pride and
value. Pride here is not obvious, it may be confused with other enneatypes that seem
more needy and diligent. Depending on their age, family and culture, they will build
their relational strategies to conserve their privileges. To not have to define and show
individuality in front of the world, they will keep a less risky position.
He is a person who since childhood was the protagonist among his loved ones,
making emotional bonds, becoming indispensable by offering love, joy and vitality. He
is permanently dependent on others, which assures their basic survival needs. He
silences his own needs and expects it to be guessed and intuited, which converts on a
demand that will never be satisfied. Compensatory privileges are common due to the
lack of contact with his needs: hiding his lack and not taking responsibility for his life.
He seems to be satisfying all his desires, always managing so that nothing is missing:
who provides for him, who takes care of him, who defends him, who answers for him,
who solves his problems, big or small. Existence is very poor in identity and capacity to
decide for themselves, which manifests in fear, conscious or unconscious, of living
without resources.

His relationship strategies, generally unconscious, only serve one master at

turn, it could be the father, the mother, the partner, his friends or children. All these
related people serve his passion of conservation, to not end up alone, not to suffer again
from the childhood wound of feeling loneliness, rejection and of not being loved,
though they are not conscious of this fear.

At a simple look the neediness and lack of autonomy are not obvious to someone
who seems to lack nothing, and who, with only a look, receives an abundance of
affection from those around him. Beneath this, he has woven a web of acts that point to
a very strong control on who is providing the affection so to never lack in affection and
care. Behind a facade of spontaneity, the unconscious effort is to remain irresistible
because “who is not going to take care of a person so tender, who offers unconditional
love and delivery?”. He is proud of knowing how to take care of his little reserve of
power, affection, intimacy, and knowing how to avoid conflicts and rejection.
A woman evokes the initial confusion to acknowledge her enneatype:
 “I started placing myself in the Two; also a suggestion from my therapist. But I
couldn’t relate to their power and manipulation. They seemed arrogant and cocky,
qualities that never stand out in my character, quite repressive by the way. I was soft,
and couldn't identify the pride in me.
I looked around and went with E3, of a softer and calmer character. When I
rejected the paper and pen that they offered me to write the outstanding features of that
character, I was lost. But it was better to be calm than upset with those hard and shining
prouds. It is easier for me to situate myself in comfort and in the right place.
It costs me to open my eyes when it comes to looking inside. I have to make an
effort and even so it only lasts little; the force of habit pushes me to walk on the surface,
lively and fun.”
– Anabel de Pablo

The testimony ends up expressing “walk on the surface, lively and fun”. He
privileges pleasure, not being troubled. The difficulties of life irritates him and that’s
where his pride is most evident. It is like a child who yells when not receiving the
attention of the mother, as if expressing “who dares to neglect me, who is so
indispensable?”.
There is a constant maintenance of comfort and security in this subtype. Limits,
rules and obligations are rejected. Not openly and not always, he can be obedient or be
in agreement, whenever there is a reward (even if, it will always be difficult for him to
fulfill what he promised).
This story illustrates it:
“At the age of nine, I began to have serious relationship problems at school and
it was hard for me to get up in the morning. When I woke up I was already longing for
the night to come so I could go back to bed, in the nest.
Going to school was facing reality. The group had its norms; there were people
who followed them to the letter and others who rejected them out of system. There was
a leader; a bunch of girls followed her without questioning anything. I was against the
leader but I had no army or courage to openly confront.
I could convince other girls, but not the whole group; I was confused about my
location in it: sometimes I got very close to some and then I moved away and got closer
to very different ones.
I used to get into bed and cover my head and slide to the foot of the bed, curled
up like a snail in its shell. It was a feeling of security; there nobody could hurt me,
nobody could see me. That pleasure lasted only a few seconds; I lacked oxygen and had
to come out to breathe. Then I felt frustration; it was as if my wish could never be
fulfilled.
Around the age of eleven or twelve the sexual instinct began to awaken, but with
much repression. I kept dressing like a girl, I was very underdeveloped and therefore I
couldn’t pretend to conquer anyone sexually. I was looking for ways to share that
energy with my close friends, but I was scared, and I began to masturbate as a way to
channel it. I also had dance and through it I could release that tension.
I felt internally very fragile both for sex and for social relationships. It was easier
for me to remain a girl, because that way I could get what I wanted but warn others that
they should treat me with care. From the place of a girl she could access sex but in a
more calm and controlled way. As a child I always found fathers and mothers who fell
for my seduction and supported me. From that place I could also access power, enjoying
privileges without commitment or responsibility.”
– Ana Escoda

The lack of compromise and responsibility are symptoms of the difficulty to

assume life in its wholeness, signs of fear of the ongoing conflict in the life of someone
who cannot admit their limitations and capacities.
Conservation manifests as “staying in the nest” like a chick that does not want
to run the risk of starting to fly and begs the mother to continue receiving heat and
feeding. It also appears here as avoiding rejection. He does not even notice this
avoidance of rejection, due to his defense mechanism, which is repression. The panic of
rejection is compensated by pretending the other is not so important; although he
needs them, recognizing this need threatens his whole stage. Avoiding rejection, he
avoids seeing himself and how his relations are, avoids questioning the belief that he
won’t be expelled from the nest, the group, the relationship. Avoids inquiring about
their true motivations and fears.
A testimony about that feared rejection:
“Pride was a way of escaping from rejection, substituting one person for
another, one feeling for another… Ten years later, a boy that everyone at school liked
came to my birthday party. I saw myself without options because I didn’t feel pretty,
but giving up was not going to give me any glory, so when he arrived I ran after him to
make him fall in love. The more I ran after him, the more he fled. It all seemed like a
game but I didn’t like to realize that the conquest was going astray.
I thought it would give me satisfaction to have tried. It wasn’t so. But I found a
way to avoid the frustration: I convinced myself that if I didn’t conquer him, it was
because I had tried it incorrectly. I hid from what I felt; it wasn’t me that he rejected. At
the end of the party, of the romantic dances, he was with another and I didn’t like that,
but I was also with another. I pretended that this was the one I liked. I showed others
that I had a partner. Although I also remember the repel that that boy who was with me
gave me.”
– Anonymous

This same woman explains how avoiding rejection has evolved in her:
“Over the years it’s a little more subtle, as if I’ve been diligently preparing to win
a contest and at the same time adopting an attitude of self-sabotage because I don’t
think I could.
I am also invaded by a feeling of falsehood, that the intention to achieve what I
want is not completely real, as a protection to reduce the impact in case of not achieving
the objective. It is as if “doing it” was more important than “achieving the goal”. If the
result is a failure, after all it wasn’t so bad because I got pleasure from doing it.
And how do I infantilize as an adult? When I have to ask someone for something
that costs me, I go blank, all my assertiveness leaves me, and I feel that just by asking I
could already be rejected. So I go and ask disconnected from my need, insensitive,
believing this way the impact will be less if I receive a rejection. My speech then arrives
empty. With some people, that lackluster speech leaves me in a tantrum, because I am
not getting the attention that makes me feel worthy.”
– Anonymous

Not facing the frustrations that lead one to be an adult who must learn to live
with his own resources is consolidated in adolescence and, in the adult phase, turns into
a lifestyle, a way of interpreting reality and to tune in a lot but also expect more
(recognition and love). He is anguished about how, as his children grow up, he loses
importance.

Ambition
The conservation E2 seeks power through the other, that is to say, uses his
efforts to conquer the power figure, more than wanting to reach a position of power by
himself. Prefers, before anything, to secure a comfortable and pleasurable life, avoiding
efforts that would require attaining much power or being much important. However,
ambition remains, and assumes the form of demand, especially on others. His process
must always be ascending, and if not, he will let fantasy make him think so.

Maternity
The conservation E2 is more of a mother who plays. She may live as a friend and
it will cost her a lot to live as an adult mother.
He is very flexible in his everyday life. Does not mind where the rags in the
kitchen goes, and accepts when others change their places, since he values their
freedom a lot. Wants others to do what he wants with his childish, sweet and docile
seduction, but needs to secure having approval.

Doing for being

The three subtypes are characterized for being dynamic. This subtype is the most
centered in doing for the other, neglecting his self-care, it is also the one that focuses
less on their activity. He might know the point he’d like to reach but is entertained by
the road. The shiest subtype needs to be secure that he will obtain a place of privilege,
if not, he is invaded by paralysis, and awaits to receive an order or permission.

Fantasy. Better dream

Where he better navigates is in dreaming. Fantasy is the strategy the three
subtypes use as a shelter from pain and frustration. Since little he had to escape a
disordered emotional world, which didn’t help structuring anything nor gave it an
output. He learned to create his desired reality, more appetizing than what he has when
he leaves the door or in his own house, developing a great ability to disconnect. Coloring
any failure or loss as something with no importance ends up in a more or less covered
depression. The princess imagines the whole kingdom has noticed how unique and
marvelous she is, in a fairy tale where all her desires are fulfilled.

Emotionalization, “I feel, therefore I am”

The emotionalization, the opposite of intellectualization, is common to the
proud. They get sucked into believing that only if you feel intensely it is authentic. “Life
is emotion”, enjoys infecting everything with emotions. Substitute “thinking” for
“feeling”, as if that made him more real (you can refute what one thinks, but not what
they feel). Only the emotion matters, except blame, which he only experiences with a
narcissistic shame: “how could someone like me…”.

The three subtypes deny what they feel, blame others for their discomfort and
hide when they feel vulnerable. With the conservation E2 it isn’t easy knowing what
goes on with them because they live on the surface of their emotional world, in a
constant denial of pain and aggression. He is the biggest crybaby of the subtypes, but
has less permission to show his anger, and when it comes out, it is in the form of
complaints, irritability and tantrums. Although he is very susceptible, it costs him to
connect with external aggression, he reacts late.
He can be more intellectual than the sexual subtype if he thinks that will provide
pampering and attention, or assure the protection of a dear one. Also, in his eagerness
to appear independent he must nurture his intellect, though he does not reach the level
of the social subtype.

Of dependency…
All E2 are emotionally dependent, although each of them have their own
camouflage. It is the most dependent subtype, although he shows the world an image
of self-sufficiency. Many move away from their family with the idea that distance
diminishes dependency, but it doesn’t work. They don’t know how to maintain
relations without falling to dependency and so, it costs him to form his own family and
compromise.

… to the responsibility…
None of the subtypes are attracted to ordinary things nor routine. Every day
responsibilities leave them bored. He seeks for his life to have a more intense tone,
luminous and peculiar. Attachment to the childish, he is the least responsible E2,
usually very protected since little. When asked something they tend to think: “I can’t”,
“I don’t know how to do it”, “I’m very busy”, “I’m tired”. He overflows, instead, with
energy for pleasant things.

… and liberty
 He has a taste for freedom. What he really craves is to be pleased. To do what he
wants, when he wants, with who he wants and how he wants, that, he calls freedom. He
is, however, capable of renouncing his freedom in exchange of affection and protection.

Permissiveness
The three subtypes have a rigid character and in its polarity, are permissive and
self-indulgent with their shortcomings and forgetfulness. Although it seems that the
conservation E2 takes care of himself, he needs someone to take care of him, to provide
that which, in his comfort, he cannot achieve for himself. Being taken care of,
protected, is converted into a passion for which he ends up as a slave. He needs to
maintain his status of helpless and tender.

He protects his fears because without them he’d have to face how he has stunted
to avoid development. He lives yearning with the fantasy of when he will obtain
economic and physical autonomy and be free, free of the demands of others. But taking
care of himself, making decisions and facing reality is beyond him; and if he doesn’t
learn to touch his needs and get to know himself, he is filled with fear, which he covers
with excessive anger against others for not understanding and taking care of him.
To not crash with crude reality, he begins a process of idealization of himself and
others, which also prevents him from growing. Idealizes to depend on and stay below.
He cultivates inferiority by not giving an opinion, not proposing, and keeps the other
big, adult and capable. But this is a false admiration, that only serves the purpose of
having someone to carry his weight, keep his life light, not heavy, easy going, and that
does not suppose burdening difficulties.
He specializes in learning what the adults in his company prefer. Asks “Am I
doing well? Do you like it?”. He is accommodating and seems much flexible, but it is
nothing more than a setup to stay in a relationship attached to the other, to the point
he is at times confused with E9. But his attitude of childish accommodation to not deal
with the risks, not to make himself responsible for the consequences, ends up in a
complaint later. He ends up blaming the other for his bad decisions: “How could I, who
had the best intentions and all the love for the other, not be valued on my efforts?”.
Uses his ignorance and inexperience, which work as defense mechanisms, becoming
much emotional and avoiding contact with reflection and self-criticism.
Great difficulty accepting critics is much present here. When a fault is pointed at
someone of this character, his self image feels hurt. Simply he cannot tolerate it, and
even less the self-criticism, that threatens all the idealized image of himself and his
relations. He feels so fragile in regard to who he believes he is and about what others
mean to him that flaws are a threat to stability of the relation with himself and the
other. He tries to hide the flaws of others, while being a provider of care and he feels
with resources to give and take.
 In intimate relations, when he feels assigned with an unfair judgment, he can
lash out without mercy, becoming very cruel with words. The incapacity for self-
criticism reflects the lack of self also in the lack of limits, in the frequency in which they
allow themselves to be mistreated, to submit and be exploited. Before humiliation or
rejection from who he depends on, he perceives himself without resources, since the
fear of losing the other inhibits anger, and he ends up maintaining the relation at all
costs, manipulating both how he feels and how the other feel, justifying his position of
few authority and his incapacity of being himself.

The E2 conservation that does not live helpless or fragile

At times, the pride in the conservation instinct can manifest in people capable of
greater independence and autonomy in the economic and professional sphere.
However, his emotional dependency shows that the difficulty to know what they need,
come out, and build an adult life remains.
Whatever - for the lack of maturity or differentiation - it can cost him to know
what are his needs, but he presents initially as someone without greater needs or
incapacities, and soon, in his most significant relationships, they reveal little by little
his style of relying on the other.
Some conservation E2s may live alone, maintain an independent lifestyle and
assume multiple responsibilities. Not every of them feel identified with the image of a
girlish little woman or eternal boy, but with the inner process of the personality that
finds itself unable to sustain the hardships of adult life. The fundamental is the inability
to renounce that status of importance, of privilege, of doing what he wants, that is, a
compensation for not having love. He is like a child, taking care of his loved one, for fear
of ending up alone, helpless, with no one to take care of him. He offers his help to the
mother or the father to keep them by his side giving him care and protection. Many
conservation E2s take care of their family, partner, children, and their fragility nor
inability aren’t visible per glance. They show themselves ready, and take over; for the
configuration of the relationships in their life story. However, internally, his own voice
can’t be heard, and in the relation with others, does not manifest, it isn’t present.

The motivation for this lack of existential presence are many, and sometimes he
makes his voice heard during conflict, that shows as a result of satiety, irritability, the
expression of ingratitude of the other, and in the form of anger before the
dissatisfaction of his needs.
For them to remain childish, parents were needed to cultivate that, in a couple,
that lacks joy, tenderness. The conservation E2 is someone who learns to strengthen
his childish affection in a relationship where the father or mother have identified with
his adorable, tender, idealized part.
 His relationships are based on avoiding what’s hard, bothersome, cruel,
frustrating, difficult and the loneliness that is always experienced in life. The person
tends to keep distance from all that results unpleasant, and for this the prideful passion
keeps him distant and ignorant of all that does not suit him.

The person of this character does not have discipline as one of his strengths, and
this makes it difficult to undertake the heroic journey of being himself. So the challenge
of transforming to be will depend on the crisis he is going through. It will need to be a
strong enough stimulus to awake the hunger of turning into a human who wishes to
embrace their dignity.

CHAPTER 2: THE CHARACTERISTIC NEUROTIC NEED - PRIVILEGE

This type of Two presents himself as a charming son, or charming daughter, that
offers unconditional love, with no limits, with the intention of gaining acceptance and
a place of privilege (passion of the subtype) that he is eager for. For that reason he
doesn’t like to shine socially nor show himself too sexual, both things that risk his
childish facade. He doubts his abilities to do admirable acts that arouse acceptance and
validation from those around him.
The desire to be the protagonist, so common for the prideful, is then satisfied in
the sphere of fantasy rather than practical actions. He lives with a self ideal that is
unreachable. Because of this, he carries the constant expectation of being found as a
faker, and then the humiliating public exposure will be inevitable. He desires to be the
center of attention without having to be important through qualification and deeds. For
that reason, it costs him a lot to feel gratified by a compliment, a blindspot prevents
him from discerning with clarity the value of a merit, since he doesn’t know whether
he fabricated it through manipulation or not.
All forms of unrequited love generate shame. When parents walk away coldly or
react with excessive anger over a minor issue, the child, confused, assumes there must
be something bad in themselves, although they don’t know what it is. This
bewilderment is a primordial ingredient in the process of shame.
The societies oriented toward shame teach that control is worthy of pride, and
the lack of self control, a motive for shame. The message is that nothing is ever enough
and you are not able enough. The shame is induced by ignoring the child’s desires and
ridiculing him in front of others. The penalty for shame is abandonment.
The opposite of shame is pride. Rationalization, anger and arrogance are often
used to avoid the feeling of shame. Shame is a twitch and hide, pride, on the other hand,
is expansion, be seen and heard. But pride here is not well supported, and because it
isn’t based on a complete appreciation of who the person is, it does not fit well with his
real strengths and weaknesses. And so, pride is accompanied by a depreciation of others
and adopts a defense of self-sufficiency.
He tends to symbiotic relationships once he feels he found the ideal partner, but
soon the problem of being unable to set limits with the other arrives. Some people use
the pride of E2 to fix the loss of meaning of existence and connection: filling the void
with a grandiose self-image. However, in this subtype the pride is deflated because
shame makes its appearance, making the conservation E2 introduce himself in front of
others as someone tender and childish, someone who wants to be loved without sexual
seduction or social relevance. Seduces, then, through delicacy and fragility.

“Leaving childhood-adolescence has been a difficult job; I’ve been in love with
my teen girl image for my entire life. An image that has seduced me, that has enchanted
me and that I have let it direct my life.
The attachment to the childish is more than a preference; it is a lifestyle where
the responsibilities never rested on me and my decisions, but on the circumstances, on
others or in the randomness of life.”
– Cati Preciado

“It was easy for them to forgive me for everything, because from my childish
attitude I could pass for innocent; with this I achieved pampering, privileges and
comforts.
Physically I represent much fewer years than I have. That allows me, even now
in my fifties, to handle myself in front of others as childish and nice.”
– Roxana Rosas

Origins
The conservation E2 noticed he was loved more than anything for being
pleasant, a smiley and happy son or daughter; that way he learned to hide his feelings
of sadness and discontentment.
 “My father would come home from work and, if he saw me with a sad face, he
would tell me: “I have many problems at work and I want my drop of honey when I get
home.”
My mother used to tell me when I cried to save those tears for when she died.”
– Roxana Rosas

He received the ambivalent message of being the most important person in the
family, in the center of the heart of one of the parents always available to protect and
help him through the vicissitudes of life. But these parents set the condition of not
expressing any negative sentiment, to not present them with problems that they could
not sustain. Parents were always ready to satisfy practical needs with the condition of
not allowing anger, sadness and any kind of lack; and of always staying as the most
important persons of his life. The reward was a lack of demands and clear rules which
translated into a false liberty of not having limits.
The privilege a child could have translates, in adolescence and adult life, in the
obligation of keeping this role of happy child and don’t create problems. The paradox
of this privilege is being a child and at the same time having to take care affectively, and
sometimes practically, of their parents.
Growing up wakes a deep feeling of guilt for having abandoned the parents and
not being grateful for the privilege that was granted of being the protected son and
enjoying, therefore, of a survival insurance. A very subtle humiliation linked to the
frustration of growing up, that has to do with being a man or a woman, because you
cannot do without becoming an adult.
This character lives with an impression that no one will love him if he expresses
his sadness, anger, or any kind of discontentment, and so happiness and optimism are
his forms of interaction, with an almost eternal smile as his best asset. He develops
social abilities such as eye contact, a frank smile and physical closeness but, by not
socially showing his sorrows or anger he leaves undeveloped the ability to set healthy
limits. The only possibility to express his discomfort will be through whims, behind
which he hides his anger, and that will give him the privilege of claiming and occupying
his place at the center of the world.

Simulates an intimate closeness with the other, making them feel special, that
only this person he treats that way, of course he expects to receive the same treatment.
In each relationship he repeats the mistake he learned: I will always be with you, being
your light and joy, and you will always return to me the place of a special person,
indispensable, that is capable of all.
The childish posture that “allows” him to not assume the consequences of his
decisions stiffens so much that, to hold the character, he has to disempower himself;
something that manifests, for example, in the difficulty to gain money or his childish
wasteful spending. It does, also, in the acceptance of tasks without analyzing previously
what he can or cannot do. It is common that he will have to learn on the fly or abandon
them without daring to face, feeling overwhelmed by them.
He is apparently worried for the needs of the other, being the first to ask what he
needs. His attitude in life is as if it was a game of magic and enchantment, instead of
something more human, raw and adult.

His action is governed by being needed for others, which generates a feeling of
debt around him.

“We had dinner, Dr. Claudio Naranjo, Antonio Santamaría, many more and me.
Claudio mentions that he has something written that could be of interest to Antonio,
and asks for his email. As he takes a long time to respond, I immediately say: “If you
want, send the letter to me and I’ll send it to him”. This is how I put myself in the center
of attention, being the articulator of the relationship. This same generates that I cannot
ask for help, because I would have to share the lightbulb.”
– Roxana Rosas

It’s like a bottomless barrel that never feels satisfied. This makes the other feel
in debt, which feels impossible to pay since the person finds no way to satisfy the needy
conservation E2. Psychodynamically, this proves that this character does not trust the
love of the other and to guarantee it he needs to be necessary.

As a child, he built bridges of love, harmony and wellbeing between daddy and
mommy, feeding the experience of occupying a privileged place. Provides help points
seeking not to be forgotten, for that reason he often dedicates to professions of service
and help, where his “passion” is welcomed.

CHAPTER 3: INTERPERSONAL STRATEGY AND ASSOCIATED IRRATIONAL IDEAS

 We will describe here how the fixation of false abundance, typical of the E2
character, manifests in the conservation subtype.
The E2 conservation developed an aggrandized idea of themselves and the belief
that satisfying your own needs is the priority, which he often confuses with desires.
Unless they are the main character, they do not feel seen nor valued and live, as a
consequence, with great emotional instability, switching between sadness and
euphoria.
The neurotic need to keep a place of privilege is associated with an image of
themselves as someone who deserves to be in the center of attention simply because
they exist. The mandate to be the eternal child entails the denial of any initiative that
goes in the direction of becoming an adult. So, on the one hand, he feels irreplaceable,
and on the other, he experiences constant humiliation, since he is not recognized as
having the right or the courage to make his own choices and his own life; until he comes
to believe in the deepest that he cannot be alone, that if he walks away he will die of
hunger or disease, that he has no tools to support himself. Beliefs that support the
hidden feeling of lack or inferiority.
The E2 conservation denies the frustration, the lack of care and the fear of
independence, building a grandiose self-image which is supported by feeling privileged
for his special relationship with the father or the mother. It is not necessary for the
“special” relationship to be characterized by pampering, seduction or hyper protection.
A conflictive relationship is also special; the important thing is to be the pole of
attention.

The grandiose image of the conservation E2 is not supported as much in the

belief of having more value than others, but in being a person that deserves protection,
help, a more particular look. The passion of privilege and false abundance feedback one
another.
 All the “negative” experiences in respect to the satisfaction of deeper, more
authentic needs, or the realization of one’s own independence, are interpreted as of few
value, those are not worthy enough, or with renounce, immediately compensated with
fantastical ideas that it is good as it is or that it will be done in the future, although
without nailing down any plan of action.
Here it is most important to take in consideration the confusion between wish
and need: the E2 conservation child has achieved the satisfaction of his desires and no
attention to the authentic needs for loving care nor to those pertinent to his evolution.
That is why he can easily adopt a capricious claim from his interpretation of abundance,
instead of asking for help to guide him to his growth and fulfillment, which would be
recognizing his limits.

The false abundance manifests also, same as with the other subtypes of E2, in
the mask of being generous, empathic and sensible to the needs of the other. But in this
subtype, above all, it takes the form of not needing more because that way life already
works well for him and he can, surely, get what he needs with his ability to seduce or
the childish preciousness of his presence. Grandiosity manifests as an ideal of self that
does not need to be famous or superior to who he is: solely to keep the unique place of
the loved one, protected, indispensable, a place of privilege in the hearts of others that
guarantees his own existence.
The intense emotionality is unstable and acts as a defense before the deep
emptiness of not realizing yourself, not growing up, whether they are moments of
euphoria for getting away with it or the deep sadness of feeling not free.
The conservation E2 puts his whole energy in pursuing his own desires,
generated by his fantasy, until he is lost like a drifting ship. He is someone little rooted,
with a tendency to move from a place to another and difficulty to settle down and take
control of his life.

In the conservation E2, abandonment and the feeling of loneliness associated are
their most avoided experiences, because they have been recorded in the bodily-
emotional memory in a very intense way. This is the motor of many of his interpersonal
strategies, which are supported by catastrophic fantasies.
Here is a testimony:
“After several regressive experiences in different jobs, the experience at birth is
one of strong abandonment and loneliness. It is the sensation of being alone, of not
feeling the other next to me in a moment of great vulnerability. In those experiences I
connected with the coldness of my body and its rigidity in the face of the feeling of fear
and abandonment.
This experience has awakened in me a "survivor" attitude and supports the crazy
idea that "I can support myself and survive without the need for another", which has
marked my life. There is an excessive and "suspicious" autonomy, very early; an
apparent safety and effectiveness to move in the world, which can be confused with that
of E3, or social E2.”
– Verónica Antón

The strong fear of repeating this abandonment and loneliness leads this
character to an overvaluation of their freedom and independence, which ends up being
translated into a difficulty in being with a partner, if they are not willing to satisfy his
holy will.
The extreme sensibility at the slightest frustration of his will leads to an attitude
that can be described as capricious. The crazy ideas behind it are: “if you don’t satisfy
my desires, you don’t love me”, “if you put limits on me, you don’t love me”, “if you
can’t guess what I want, you are not interested in me”.
He alternates between not listening to his vital needs and moments in which he
is not capable of frustrating his will. It is important to understand this polarity so as to
not confuse it with a “capricious child” who all the time seeks to satisfy his desires.
Here it is also important to differentiate desires (or willpower) and needs. This subtype
is much in contact with his will (what he wants) but it costs him a lot to know his needs,
from the deeper to the most vital and proper to conservation (food, water, rest). That’s
why it is very difficult for him to be clear in his relationships.

This impulse to fervently defend the satisfaction of his desire appears as a

neurotic compensation for the frustration of not being able to satisfy his needs (for the
lack of contact with them). In fact, the perception of need is a blindspot to all E2, and
what is specific to this subtype of conservation is the neurotic compensation that seeks
not to frustrate his will at any price.
Before the question: “Why do you want that?”, the answer can be: “Why not?”,
supported by the following crazy beliefs: “I deserve everything”, “I am capable of
anything”, “if I do not get what I want, I’m not worth anything” and “I have the right
to what I want”.
The fantasy of the conservation E2 can be: “I’m not subject to anything or
anyone”, while in reality this pseudo-independence alternates with a great emotional
dependence in the most intimate relationships, mainly the couple. The desire for
independence can be strong since childhood and it translates in the fantasy of being
totally autonomous and living alone. In this fantasy of freedom and to experiment
outside the family gaze, behind the back of the parents, in adolescence can put him at
risk.
Some testimonies reflect it:
“Since I was little I really wanted to be independent from my family. At nine
years old I imagined living alone, having my money and soon I wanted to work.
 Daring behaviors put me at risk: driving before I was thirteen, running away
from school in high school, having a boyfriend at eleven. I felt I had the ability to
express whatever I wanted.
At the age of eighteen I saved up to buy my own car, I needed to have something
of my own! Move without depending on my parents or public transportation.
My need for “independence” led me to go live alone at the age of twenty-one, as
soon as I had the money to do so. But I did it with the income that would allow me to
have an apartment in a nice area; before, I didn’t feel safe leaving. Since then I
supported myself, I paid for everything.
At times I had difficulty managing myself and being completely self-sufficient;
I always had someone as a “backup” like my boss, then my partner. Even if I didn’t ask
them for money directly, the fact of being able to access their finances reassured me.
It took me many years to realize that I was spending on clothes, food, gifts, going
out and things that gave me pleasure but never on something that would offer me
security, like health insurance, nor did I save for an emergency. I live day by day,
thinking I will always have money, as if the future did not exist.”
– Cati Preciado

It is in adolescence, the phase of omnipotence, that, with the departure of the

family environment, he goes into the world with impulsiveness and the difficulty to see
the limits and the unconsciousness in the face of danger is seen more clearly. The
seduction impulse arises with certain nuances that make it peculiar.
The women have, with frequency, sentimental relationships with people much
bigger than them, and the desire to seduce men or women attractive for their place of
power or knowledge. The seduction can affirm her omnipotence, for example in the
search to transgress a social norm: seduce a priest, a teacher, a therapist, a married
man… In some cases a very early sexuality appears and a need to move in environments
of older people.
We highlight these crazy ideas: “If I seduce you, I will have a place of privilege
and you will protect me”, “if I seduce a person of power, I will have power”, “if I can
attract you, I have value”.

The manipulation of the surroundings is key to their way of relating and he puts
it into play in different ways, according to the life stage. Being a good little girl, she
adapts to what is expected of her, maybe with good results at school level, perceptive,
observant, soft, sweet. Further ahead, with the awakening in the world of relationships
with men and the world, she preserves this image of “ingenuity” or “little girl” but she
lives a double life, where the other face is of transgression, putting herself at risk, but
without being seen.
 This manipulation through hiding information, lying, not showing as it is and
developing a great capacity to seduce in some cases have reinforced the crazy idea of
autonomy, together with omnipotence: “I can do and get all that I propose”, “I don’t
depend on anyone” and “I don’t have limits”.

“I have put myself into play in adolescence and youth in the field of love
conquest. And at different vital moments, it has been moving towards other areas. As
an adult, many times my experience is that I can do what I set my mind to, I put a lot of
energy into making this happen, even at the cost of not seeing my needs, my own limits
or the extra effort I can make, at a very high cost.
This is how in my life I have face “difficult situations”, such as emigrating to a
country where I had no close reference, leaving a good job; make a professional place
for myself in a new environment; or separating from my partner and, despite being
alone and without family, deciding to stay in that country. The “survivor” generates
the internal resources to overcome almost all situations that I may face.”
– Verónica Antón
In the different aspects of life resonates as a common denominator the difficulty
to see the other, of taking them into account. Prime your impulse, your desire, over
dialogue and joint construction. Hence the difficulty to work as a team or to adapt to
rules imposed by the operation of an institution. The conservation E2 feels that he can
be an “exception” to the rule, does not recognize that as transgression, and from there
he imposes his will, without being conscious.

He is in strong competition without being conscious of it, because he justifies it

with the crazy ideas of: “Me, first” and “I have the right to do what I want because I
am special”. We can see the origin for this difficulty with the group relationship in the
triangle with the parents or with the siblings: the mother or father has been seduced
against the other. It is an untenable alliance for a child, but it assures him the place of
privilege in the dual relationship. As an adult, he continues to feel the triadic
relationship as threatening because the other can always take his place. Thus, while
competing, he feels the fear of being excluded, either by one or the other. That makes
him never feel trust in love.
He doesn’t see his own limit or need, making an overexertion from a very great
demand (many people of this subtype have studied multiple careers, held multiple
jobs). But there is a polarity, since this alternates with moments in which they only
assert their will and desire: that “capricious” attitude.
Now, all that resources that have been developed do not go in the direction of
adult autonomy, an assumption of one’s own life, with its limits. The claim and whim
that sustain the ego ideal, narcissism, do not allow the abilities achieved to be a
patrimony for mature realization.
 When the conservation E2 is his own boss, working in a more independent
manner for himself, it costs him a lot to have discipline, meet his goals and value what
he earned with his own effort. He can easily lose sense of his limits: working without
hours until he becomes careless, or not trying hard enough and relying on justifications
to explain his mediocrity.
He may be so focused on his immediate benefit that he lacks follow-up on your
projects. It is as if he did not see the future, in his difficulty to build something with
which to sustain himself in life, to foresee, to see oneself as a person who has a heritage.
It is as if he lives in the moment, which can be confused with spontaneity, when it is
difficult to contact his needs. You hear him say: “I thought that I could do everything”.
He gets into debt, he runs short of money. There is an absence of superego or, better
said, has superego as an ally that prevents him from setting limits to carry out a project.

Another polarity: If on one hand there is a false “independence” of the external

world, on another, in his more intimate relationships, of the couple for example, a great
dependency arises, an insatiable need for affection, physical contact and emotional
fusion.
There is a sensation of needing the other unconditionally, without there being
the risk of discrepancy, confrontation, limit or frustration, which is what confronts this
person with the primary wound of abandonment in childhood: “If I’m alone, I die”.
The limit or frustration, within the framework of an affective relationship, he
can experience as a threat of breaking the bond, and reliving the primitive wound and
abandonment. Since it will be difficult for him to tolerate frustration, the person uses
all the weapons of seduction and manipulation, so that the other does what he wants
and his wishes are fulfilled. The crazy idea behind it is: “I will not survive the pain of
frustration”. As if a part of the E2 lived as the little girl or boy, helpless and abandoned
that at some point they were, experiencing extreme fragility that is much out of tune
with reality.
We provide this testimony:
“In a relationship, it’s like I don’t want to take a wrong step and, at the same
time, I’m always manipulating. I did it my first ten years of marriage, omitting
information, and perhaps projecting my fears: I was the one who fantasized about
leaving the relationship. I thought: “who has me here?”, “what need do I have for this?
I’d better be alone!”. But I never left, even though I really wanted to separate due to
differences and arguments. My partner always complained to me that I didn’t take them
into account, that I acted as if only I existed.”
– Cati Preciado
In his pseudo independence, he is terrified of ending up alone or running out of
resources for survival. This terror of not having anyone can completely invade the life
of someone who, without realizing it, is filled with occupations, with people to attend
to and with whom to do things even if they are not of interest to them.
He seems like a person who adapts to everything, who goes with everything, but
sooner or later his need to isolate will appear, since he is tired of being involved in the
lives of others and not in his own.
This way of filling up with people and being with others is part of his difficulty
in knowing what nourishes him (not what entertains him, in that he is an expert). It
costs him a lot to know what it is that helps him develop, what makes him grow and
mature. Entertainment helps him to evade, to not face what he really wants for his life.
The excessive activity that fills his life increases this unconsciousness and his own lie.

The lie also appears as a form of evading frustration in his relationships,

minimizing and accommodating reality, trying to soften and create a seemingly less
hostile environment. This resource ends up turning against him since, when the
conflict comes to light, shame and guilt take hold, preventing the confrontation of
reality, which is what will allow him to take responsibility and mature in terms of
relationships.
Omissions are part of that lie, especially if it is about the defects that the other
sees or could see in the conservation E2. It is another form of not living the frustration.
What he considers not nice in himself he lives as something terrible to act on. Any
aspect identified as a defect magnifies him: “No one would love me if they knew…”
Manipulating the situations by omitting information becomes a form to not run
the risk of rejection, a possible abandonment or the loss of privilege. And so, he does
not assume compromise and the responsibility of showing each other to grow together
in a more authentic relationship. “If they get to know my defects, they will reject me”
and “better to disappear than to show my reality”. These crazy ideas reveal to us the
closeness between the conservation E2 and E4, which are often confused due to the
greater connection of this subtype with the emotionality linked to lack, such as shame,
shyness and the impulse to hide when he feels the image of false abundance may drop.
Part of working with crazy ideas is getting to know them, daring to identify
them, and understanding their cognitive, emotional, and relational mechanisms. And
see also its power to keep the conservation E2 as a slave, in survival and not in living.
Impersonal strategies are a remnant left over from that hunger for affection,
contact and protection. As a child, they were useful, helping him have what every
human being needs and wants: the love of parents and primary caregivers. Today
obsolete, the adult conservation E2 continues to cling to them, believing that in this
way he will be able to stay afloat, guaranteeing his existence.
We finish with this testimony:
“A key opened access to the understanding of many mechanisms of my
personality in an SAT 3, during a regression (rebirth) work. I experienced the first
emotional memory, immediately after birth, as deep sadness and denial. Not because
of the specific conditions of the birth itself, but because of the contrast caused by the
sudden change from comfort to the painful experience that is life. I experienced birth
as an injustice that victimized me. I reacted with revolt and frustration, believing I was
taking revenge for my bad luck, or for the person responsible for that insult, whoever it
was.
I was unable to resist the fact of being born, being alive and subject to pain and
frustration. Then, the strategy of appearing tender and helpless so that my parents
could protect me. A trade also with God, with the “mechanics of life”: “Ok, I’m going
to be a good child, obedient and adequate. In return, I expect the satisfaction of my
needs”.”
As life insists in not fulfilling its part in the agreement, the old wound flares up
and excites the unbearable feeling of revolt and frustration, whose most visible
expressions are outbursts of rage, childish tantrums.”
– Fernando Ramos

CHAPTER 4: OTHER CHARACTERISTIC FEATURES AND PSYCHODYNAMIC CONSIDERATIONS

Dependent
Of the three subtypes, this is the most dependent, although it displays a self-
sufficient and independent facade. He distances himself from his family with the idea
that distance will reduce his dependence, but no, because he compulsively establishes
dependent relationships to ensure his protection and survival. He is a chameleon and
his great intuitive capacity allows him to captivate others.
He seeks relationships with people of stronger character to compensate for his
insecurity, but with this he loses his freedom, sticking to the role of being loved for
being smiley.

Shy
 It is a very notable trait in that childish character. Shyness is related to the fear
of exposing oneself if there is no certainty of recognition.
The passion of privilege hides a search for confirmation and a profound lack of
self-esteem. Since this character does not want to recognize that he has limits and does
not contact that low self-esteem, he hides if he is not sure of being successful. He
prefers to hide behind “I don’t know”, “I don’t want to” or “I can’t”, in a childish way,
rather than admitting that he doesn’t feel up to the task. Shyness and shame are also
played as a childish charm of a seductive nature, with which he avoids confrontations.

Victim
It tends to project blame, since seduction tries to make people see only what
others want to see. The crazy idea behind it is that “to be accepted you have to hide the
bad”. He blames the world for his difficulties and problems, otherwise he would have
to take responsibility for his actions and change. It is easy for him to act like a victim
when he does not feel understood or appreciated, although most of the time he prefers
to close the chapter and leave the relationship.

Idealizer
When you are a child and depend on adults in every way, you idealize them,
seeing them as great, decisive, capable, protective, independent and determined. If
those adults around him do not give him time to digest what is happening to him and
thus make his own decisions, he E2 conservation learns to leave them in the hands of
the elders.
The conflict is that he reaches maturity with an idealized image of what it is to
be an adult, assuming that when he comes of age, gets married, has children or starts
working, the characteristics of an adult will automatically and magically emerge on
him.

“I dreamed that the day I turned eighteen people would automatically treat me
differently. It was a real disappointment when that didn’t happen.
For many years, as a teenager, I looked in the mirror wishing I was a mature, big
woman with a beautiful body. The years went by and my body almost stayed the same,
I didn’t grow and they kept calling me “little girl” or “girl”. I got used to it and, upon
reaching adulthood, I realized that my appearance had changed little. I changed my
idealization of being big and adult to seeing myself younger, eliminating in my mind
the limitations that resisting maturing as a person meant to me internally.”
– Roxana Rosas
Compares himself
This type of E2 has an excessively high criterion of competence, that is, a
perfectionistic and obsessive ideal self, which is what makes it so motor. This comes
from a feeling of inferiority for not feeling loved and, on the contrary, abandonable. The
difference with E4 is that he uses pride to get love and not be abandoned. The conflict
is that he lives comparing himself, disadvantageously and advantageously, with
everyone. This encourages a disdainful attitude (nose raised), like someone from
royalty looking down on others.

Be needed
The underlying theme of the E2 conservation is that he does not feel valuable or
worthy of being loved enough. He then does things for others, seeking to be necessary,
because it is assumed that this way he will not be abandoned and the other will return
protection. He doesn’t realize that he ends up getting overwhelmed and angry when
someone asks him for something. And, since they do not know how to set limits, they
do so with attitudes of rejection and annoyance, looking like a child throwing a tantrum.

Fanciful
Many conservation E2s read avidly as children, seeking to feed their
emotionality. Claudio defines them in his workshops as restrained adventurers, that is,
they long to feel free and travel and be able to do and undo and, failing to achieve this,
they read. Above all, novels that allow them to break the taboos and shoulds that they
assume “bind” them. They feel that their reality is very narrow, and in fantasy they
achieve things that they would not otherwise achieve.

“I was about ten years old and I started reading Salgari. It was wonderful to
become the protagonist of his novels and face, together with Shadokan, the tigers, or
be part of his pirate crew or become Captain Storm. Shortly after I devoured the Genesis
of the Bible, the Divine Comedy and many more books; stories that I recreated over and
over again being the protagonist. It made me feel alive, powerful and, above all, that I
didn’t have to ask anyone for permission.”
– Roxana Rosas
Tomboy girls
“Physically, they tend to reflect a younger age than theirs. Women wear little or
no makeup and relate better to men than women, behaving asexually with them.

My friends, at twelve years old, had already changed from girls to women, but I
didn’t… they began to like boys, while I still liked my girl games.”
– Roxana Rosas
Condescending
Since the conservation two believes that they only love him when he is pleasant
and good, he tends to be condescending (he says yes to everything), without stopping
to think if he wants it or not. This leads him to accept commitments that later weigh on
him and he fulfills with reluctance or abandons without prior notice.
In condescension there is a disdainful tone towards others, a look that considers
them inferior beings in need of support and affection. Sometimes, it is mixed with
humor, producing mockery, sarcasm or cynicism.

Hypersensitive to criticism
The difficulty of self-criticism and receiving criticism from those around you
triggers the core of devaluation that you keep inside. It manifests itself with irritability,
crying and feelings of incomprehension and anger, since it awakens the fear of not
being accepted and, therefore, loved.
It is difficult for a conservation E2 to accept their mistakes. Even if he knows that
he is incompetent or expresses it: that is far from being able to tolerate having his
defects and faults pointed out. This is seen in their outbursts and anger, which can end
in emotional explosions full of complaints to those who criticize them.

Envious / fear of envy

The E2 conservation seems to experience no envy at first glance, as it
compensates for its downward comparisons by displaying an attitude of abundance and
superiority. Envy, human and inevitable, is hidden as a way to cover up shortcomings
and avoid competitive disadvantage. He can live it secretly, letting out some lapses of
indifference and apathy for the people he envies.
The person of this character not only hides envy from himself and others. He is
also afraid of being envied, because that way he is left unprotected. To feel the envy of
others is to reveal that you are powerful, that you have something that others want. And
he fears aggression from others. By being envied, you could be the object of rejection,
criticism and heartbreak; so he will flatter and dissimulate to cover up her privileges or
most desired qualities, he will even show himself to be unproud, to remain safe and
sound.

Tender
The meaning of ‘tender’ is someone who is affectionate, loving and kind. It
generally refers to childhood, to explain a delicate and docile way of being due to young
age and inexperience. The E2 conservation is a person who especially highlights these
traits, who invites that soft and bland experience. This characteristic, in which one
behaves very naturally, is a way of attracting protection, of being cared for, which
guarantees that he remains intact and away from the complications of the roughness
of life and relationships.

Possessive
 The possessiveness of E2 conservation arises from the desire to merge with the
other, in search of the security that they are always available, to ensure that they do not
live the experience of abandonment, or the protection and satisfaction of their basic
needs.
Possessiveness also has to do with the difficulty of seeing people as “other”,
different and independent. For this character, that would be a threatening mirror of his
fear of emotional independence. In the end, the other is an object over which to exercise
power.

Jealous
Jealousy, typical of emotional characters, is in E2 conservation connected with
the neurotic need to be the only one in the privileged place, in the heart and life of the
other. They also have their roots in the triangulation experienced as a child, when the
father or mother involved them in their jealous competition against each other.

Arrogant and egocentric

The proud arrogance of this character manifests itself above all in believing that
what he wants or thinks must always be taken into account and confirmed. It’s not that
he thinks he is intellectually right; it is rather the arrogance of those who claim first
place, a capricious arrogance.

Sadistic
The sadism of the E2 conservation seems contradictory to his tenderness and
condescension. It is evidently expressed when he feels not consented to or betrayed (in
the sense of not being satisfied with what he wants). If the other is not at his service or
attentive to him, they will easily be the object of raw rage and a mistreatment reinforced
by the intuitive capacity of this character to “catch” the weak side of the other. His way
of coldly hurting and leaving the other without possibility of rescue is also sadistic.

Paranoid and controlling

Paranoia explodes in an obsessive and emotionally blind way when the two
conservation projects onto the other the manipulative dynamics that he himself
practices when he wants to please or conquer the powerful place of privilege. When he
feels that someone does not support him unconditionally, or he has to confront
whoever he considers superior due to some characteristic, he immediately feels then
like a rival, an enemy who can take his place. There their aggressive and controlling
weapons are deployed with the crazy idea of having the right to attack those who
threaten them, even fantasizing plots.

Castrator and vengeful

 If someone disappoints him or he feels in competition, he is very skilled at
humiliating them and attacking them until they become a harmless rival. This
manifests itself especially in the relationships of couples and siblings, as if they feel
entitled to make the other person pay the price of being submissive to their order or
whims. But also if he feels offended, criticized or abandoned. Taking power away from
others is a way of taking revenge and thus reestablishing their preeminence.

Self-indulgent
As a character who relies on the idealization of himself, he forgives himself
everything. This forgiveness reveals his intolerance of limits and reiterates his childish
attitude, by which everything has to be allowed. Thus compensates for frustration or
contact with low self-esteem, hidden by the permissiveness granted to a child. It is a
trait short-circuited with the fear of being an adult.

Inconstant
The conservation two is intolerant of discipline; he experiences any job that
requires effort or sacrifice as something impossible to sustain. Obviously, it is justified
with lies or devaluing the objective. He also solves the obstacle by delegating the task.

CHAPTER 5: EMOTIONALITY AND FANTASY

The enneatype 2, in today’s characterological literature, is known as histrionic

character due to its ability to produce emotions. The E2 conservation produces childish
tenderness, to seduce that other person who seems to be the love of his life. He needs
to fantasize an eternal romantic love, in a very similar way to the Sexual Three, with the
difference that, while the E3 adapts in order to be the ideal woman for the other, the
proud person of this subtype fantasizes that the other is exactly how she wants and
needs.
And although it may seem cold and controlled compared to the Sexual Two, it
makes emotionality and fantasy its main defense mechanisms.
 “I have never considered myself very emotional, rather I have always been cold
and controlled. I began to understand my emotionality after a few years of therapy.
Emotionality is an exaggeration of sensitivity to emotions, which results in you getting
lost and no longer distinguishing anything but emotion. In that state you do not think
or, if you think, it is about something that increases the emotion you feel even more.
Many times I am overwhelmed by sadness. It starts with a feeling of loneliness
and then I have thoughts like: “no one loves me”, “I am alone”, “no one is coming for
me”... and then the sadness increases until a point where I lose myself. Everything is
sadness. It is huge and it is a bottomless pit.
But the same thing happens to me with joy. Something good happens, I feel
happy and the process begins: “Life is wonderful”, “I’m great”... And when I realize it,
it’s already joy squared and euphoria.”
– Anonymous

The most characteristic thing about emotionality is, as this woman observes,
that by exaggerating so much one gets lost and can no longer think clearly (to a certain
extent, can no longer think about anything) and does not feel the body either.
Everything is emotion.
The crux of the matter is that this character is lost, either exaggerating what he
feels or not feeling anything so that everything is under control. There is no middle
ground. In a confrontation, when trying to find arguments to defend his actions, he
feels that his attempt is useless. The other has better, more weighty arguments. He
can’t find a reason or he can’t express it. Suddenly he connects with helplessness, his
energy rises and it becomes increasingly difficult for him to express himself verbally.
That’s where the theater begins, the emotionality. Begins a sequence of exaggerated
gestures accompanied by screams; the internal sensation is of death. He says things
without respect, insults, and threatens. From the outside it is as if a crime was
committed. Ends up crying in despair and, sometimes, in abandonment.

“You could say that conservation E2 is “all heart”. Although there is a mental
labyrinth where we get lost, and from which it is difficult to extract a clear message that
tells us about our feelings, needs and desires.
I speak from “I feel…” instead of: “I think…”. My internal world is rich in
emotions, such as sadness, sudden joy, anger… I can start crying uncontrollably
without knowing very well why it is. Only the emotions come and it is necessary to let
it out. Many times, after crying a lot, a nervous laugh has come to me to finish releasing
the tension.
There are gray days when I wake up and I already know that it has to be a day of
cleaning, that is, crying, and crying, letting myself go in sadness and anger. For me it is
a healthy thing to accept it and just let it happen. Although, the truth is, I enhanced the
emotion to make it more “real”, more intense. There is a joy in that.
Other times an extreme internal joy comes to me, my eyes light up, sparkling, I
laugh, I would love to start jumping, laughing, screaming… I am happy to feel alive, and
if on a gray day (which could have been the previous) my world has collapsed, today I
am able to see everything with limitless light and beauty… This ability has made me get
up after many falls.
It is difficult to unravel my “mental skein”. I can seem like a sweet girl,
sometimes hysterical… I contain a being full of internal contradictions, of introjects, of
how things should be, of who I am before myself and before the world, or what I should
be… Bringing my needs, my mind, my body, my deepest desires into agreement, has
been the goal of my life.”
– Vanesa Luna

As we have already mentioned, the child’s emotional world could not find an
authentic form of expression. In general, the mother of conservation two took up a lot
of space with her emotionality, being depressed or histrionic. The child learned that,
through emotions, you can manipulate the emotional world of another. With tears of
sadness, attacks or unsustainable demands can be stopped. With melancholy you can
seduce or ensure that the other does not leave. With panic attacks the great fear of life
can be hidden. And with a great emotional overflow you can avoid facing problems or
failures.
So the two conservation expresses a whole hysterical emotional world that
totally covers up the pain of loneliness, the wound of abandonment, the lack of love.
Deep wounds are denied with an attitude of confused and invasive emotion and, if it is
the fear of rejection and abandonment, a gesture of proud superiority cools everything.
The gesture responds to the command not to grow up, but there is no permission to feel
the child’s authentic fears while demonstrating his greatness of not needing anyone.
We have already discussed the relationship between shame and humiliation. It is
true that shame is an emotion that the conservation E2 often feels and hides. It is not
easy for him to connect with humiliation because it is a childhood wound that the child
received from the same parent who flattered or seduced him. Many times it was a
shocking and unforeseen reality, which he experienced as a betrayal and a revelation of
his intimacy: As if his father or mother had lured him into a trap and left him alone. The
memory of feeling “naked” and ridiculed has remained very vivid and there is a lot of
energy invested in never returning to that again.
Anger is also not allowed because it would be an attack on the parents or the
denunciation that he is not the happy and sunny boy or girl that they want. The direct
expression of anger is taboo and is resolved with avoidance or capricious tantrums and,
in borderline cases, with deep depression.
Many times the only possibility of escape is to disconnect and confine the
emotions in the body; manifestations of asthma, allergies, muscle pains or problems in
the gastrointestinal system are not rare.
Finally, this very emotional character has a hard time feeling. He is imprisoned
in the obligation to give joy and good humor, without deeply asking himself if he is
happy.
It is true that there is a creative fantasy, a fantasy that is not defensive, but this
character is an expert in using that faculty to escape, to believe something other than
what it is. Reality is never as good and wonderful as what you can imagine, and you want
to get back to that fantasy as soon as possible. Therefore, it undervalues what is real by
comparing it with imaginary life.
 For example, you imagine a handsome, intelligent, rich, friendly and wonderful
man. It is clear that in reality this man does not exist; the conclusion is that no man
measures up. Fantasy also favors its own overvaluation; in it, he believes himself
capable of endless things that he has only imagined and never does. Acting is scary.

“When I was a teenager, since I didn’t dare approach the boys I liked, I imagined
boyfriends. I didn’t have them in reality, only in my imagination. I had my first
boyfriend when I was eighteen, and because my mother basically pushed me to.”
– Anonymous

Even as a child, as a girl, fantasy was where she lived intensely. Life always
seemed dull compared to what could be fantasized. She had developed an escape to
fantasy due to the double fact of not being able to express oneself and not daring to do
certain things. In fantasy she could feel free. It is also an antidote to feeling alone, or
not having anyone to play with: she invents imaginary friends… but then in social life
she is shy and almost has no friends. She also finds fantasy in her search for a way not
to sink. The great misfortune of fantasy is that it does not let you feel how bad you are.
It looks a lot like an addiction.

“Romantic fantasies, of being desired, that the other could not stop looking for
me, of being his great love, his light, his inspiration.”
– Anonymous

What is most shocking about this position is seeing how far you can go to not
take responsibility for your actions and desires. Compared to the other proud subtypes,
which “generously” strive to seduce through action, groups (the social ones) or
individuals (the sexual ones), to buy affection and admiration, the conservation E2
seems the least active in seduction, which remains, in most cases, restricted to fantasy.
In the imagination, like the other twos, he looks solicitous, admired and
generous. Fantasy is your great resource for inflating the ego with a feeling of self-
importance, in order to cope with the frustration of feeling incapable and unable to act
concretely in the world.

“The rich internal world of an E2 conservation overflows with capacity for

fantasy; our imagination has no limits. Many Twos are linked to the esoteric world and
spirituality; it is a path to expand the imagination and satisfy the need to be in contact
with God or something greater, at least not governed by the rules of prevailing
rationality.
Since I was little I have had a parallel imaginary world. I played alone to believe
that I was a secret police and that I was different from the rest of the children. I was on
an undercover mission inside the school to capture someone from the FBI… I was
“someone special”. One day my prince charming would come to pick me up from
school, with a big car that would fit all the children in the class and they would marvel
at my luck. I imagined it so strongly that it was simply real, that would happen one day…
I spoke with God and even with the Devil and made my own pacts so that what I wanted
would happen… or that something terrible would not happen.”
 – Vanesa Luna

The person of this character feels insecure about his or her abilities. He keeps in
his memory the painful experience of recurring failure and humiliation due to his
weakness, and that is why he prefers not to risk it; that’s why he resorts to fantasy. His
energy for action is contaminated by the fear that what he does is not enough to be
admired. And this is where it contrasts with the other subtypes, more proactive in love
seduction. He also cares about qualifications and successes, but dreaming about them
is enough to inflate his ego.

“I enlarged and diminished things in an excessive way. For example, a look from
someone could stay with me for years, imagining that person was in love with me
because of the way they had looked at me… There was a big part of shame in clarifying
the situation or, at least, my own desires and feelings and taking responsibility for
them. So that look became the mechanism to believe I was pretty, beautiful, a special
being who, from afar, was capable of making someone fall in love.
And just as I was capable of expanding a small thing in a supernatural way, the
same was true when it came to making myself smaller: I let insecurity destroy all
thoughts and emotions. Simply imagining that, because of a gesture, a distant look (or
that I imagined distant…), I was not liked or criticized… This hurt me enormously, to
the point of feeling very small and very fragile… unworthy, apart.”
– Vanesa Luna

Fear plays an important role. Many fears appear in the social relationships of the
person of this character: fear of being alone, fear of being ignored, fear of not having
anyone in their life, fear of being discovered that they are not capable, fear of not being
able to handle a situation, fear of being attacked, fear of not being able to support
himself if he is alone, fear of losing the support of his loved ones, fear of seeing himself
as someone horrible with defects and failures, fear of being trapped in a situation where
he cannot live his tastes and pleasures, fear of losing your special place with the other.
Fear of getting angry and showing your anger, fear of telling what is painful, what is
vulnerable. Fear that they will discover his lies.

CHAPTER 6: CHILDHOOD
 For him, childhood is a reality that he tries to imagine as fantastic so as not to
touch on frustration and pain and, at the same time, an existential condition in the face
of life, occupying the role of girl or boy forever, even if he does not see himself as such.
In childhood, they are molded into that beautiful child that everyone wants to
have, because they evoke the tenderness that is so lacking within the family and society.

“Note from my mother in my baby book: “She is, in general, a healthy, restless,
playful and good girl, because she does not cry constantly. Somewhat daring for her age
[one year], she likes to climb wherever she can and reach for things that are at hand,
and those that are not. Att: your mom”.
Since I was little I always felt very desired by my parents, I felt that my older
brother and I were my parents’ dream: to have two children, first the boy and then the
girl. I felt tremendous vitality, I danced a lot, couldn’t stop still, I wanted to hug and
kiss everyone, always smiling, ready for anything. Before I was four years old I felt
totally free as if my spirit had no borders and my body, neither.
Smiles, kisses, chubby legs, flirtatious and playful movements. It gave a nice
impression, causing pleasure and sympathy. When I began to speak, my tone was grave
and hoarse; that made me even more special: they noticed me as a different girl, tender
and strong. I felt daring, always daydreaming. I wanted to be physically close to people,
in their arms, legs, receiving affection, praise, and having their attention (and of course
I achieved it).”
– Cati Preciado

Growing among cottons seems very characteristic of E2 conservation, although

cottons are overwhelming and have a price. There was overprotection on the part of one
of the parents, or there were several fathers and mothers (brothers, uncles, etc.),
sometimes with ambivalent attitudes that the boy or girl found difficult to interpret as
sincere and selfless care and, above all, they did not have the function of containing him
in his emotions and experiences. The consequences are a deep distrust in the bond of
love, and intolerance to life’s problems, due to not being used to finding within oneself
the tools to face the hardness, the difficulty.
How does a privileged person come into the world?
 “I was the first daughter, first granddaughter, first niece… Well, I had love from
all sides. They gave me gifts, they took photos of me, I was the center of attention. I had
a room just for my toys. I had a lot of character, I was the true authority of my family.”
– Anonymous

“It is true that I have always felt privileged. I was the firstborn. I was very desired
and, from what they tell me, a very nice and very smart child. I started walking at nine
months and talking very soon too. I was very loved and pampered. I always had what I
wanted and more. My family was perfect and I, by their side, invulnerable. I have always
felt protected.
Now I see that I was too protected: overprotected. That’s why I handle frustration
so badly.”
– Anonymous

By overprotecting their child, parents want “nothing to happen to them”, to

keep them away from all danger or, better said, in the case of this subtype, from the
danger that being “parents” can be for them, with the uncertainties and frustrations
that come with it. They are far from knowing that they are developing an inability to
cope with their needs. Absent parents, at least emotionally; or childish and narcissistic,
who compensate for their immaturity with superficial flattery that is intended to feed
the grandiosity of their own ego; or who give gifts to hide the inability to be in intimate
contact with the child and the intolerance of a bond that can bring limits or frustrations.
Little by little, the E2 conservation learns that it is much more comfortable to
disconnect from its inner world and return to the parents that funny child, an object to
be exhibited, and learns the manipulation of passing the responsibility to the other (the
mother, the father). He develops a certain fear of being poor, of taking risks, since there
has always been someone who has gone ahead of him, who has done his homework or
most of it. Therefore, external knowledge is validated to the detriment of internal
knowledge, with the insecurity that this entails. “The other is the one who knows how
to do it”, “the other is the one who has the solution for my problem”, “if I do it on my
own I can make a mistake” or “it is preferable that someone else does it, so I don’t
make a mistake” are typical internal mandates.

“I adored my father. My father was the strongest, most intelligent and kindest
father in the world. I told him everything. And he explained to me how things were,
which of my classmates were idiots and which were worth it. He also explained to me
what was happening to me, what I felt and, above all, he explained to me what he was
like at my age: much stronger, braver and daring. My reference, until recently, has been
my father. He was the man, the one who knew, understood, and with the power to judge
what is right and wrong. In him I sought recognition.”
– Guillermo Pérez

But it is not about trust, but about introjects derived from the parents’ messages,
functional to the body, the girl, conforming to dependency and developing his function
as an eternal child.
 This “overprotection” feeds the experience of not having the skills to go out into
the world. At the same time, the mandate to be mom’s precious child and the
“privileges” that this mother or father has granted him leaves him confused and
ambivalent, and the only way out is the avoidant or proud response to his fears. The
confusion and ambivalence are even greater when the father and mother use this
“favorite” child as a weapon against each other.
It is quite common that that special place that you have achieved in your
relationship with your parents puts you in a very difficult situation with your siblings.
He receives his envy and his anger and a distance is generated that, unconsciously,
feeds his feeling of loneliness.
This distrust between peers will later be repeated with schoolmates or friends.
Many report that it has been difficult for them to have friends or painful experiences of
rejection.
The parents are in charge of interpreting the external and internal life of the
child, without being truly interested in what happens emotionally, and often in an
incoherent way, according to what the parent feels or wants from their child, who
grows, consequently, with the idea that the other has to know what is happening to him
without having developed a listening to himself and knowing how to give a clear name
to his experience.
The E2 conservation understands that it is not okay to be the way he is, that it is
better to contain himself, because it is not appropriate. “If I don’t bother and I’m good,
they’ll love me” is one of his crazy ideas. The consequence is the withdrawal or
cancellation of oneself so typical of this character. Take up little space, put yourself in
the background, be discreet, extremely careful not to disturb.

“My mother made all the decisions for me. She told me what I should do, what I
should dress, how I should act and, little by little, I learned to repress my desires and
wait for her to tell me what to do. The few times I did something on my own initiative,
she would criticize me and say what I should have done in return. So I simply went on
to do what she told me: obey without thinking.”
– Anonymous

He also learns that his needs come after that of others, that he can wait; first you
have to satisfy the other (mirror of the mother who is always there for him, as long as
he does not bother her with his truth).
There seems to be an incoherence between this experience of withdrawal and the
arrogance of expecting the other to love you without conditions, to be at your service
and to recognize the gifts you have “by nature”. But in reality there is none because the
pride of being special is the egoic structure that not only hides the lack, but it
constitutes the way out of this insecurity by playing the childish role of the son who
takes care of his mother and the adults, helping with the illness, performing practical
tasks and working for others. An attitude that disconnects you from your needs, but
gives you back the central place in the life of the other. Little by little, the “I don’t need
anything” and the inability to realize that one has needs and, with it, omnipotence, are
developing , although at the price of losing true individual freedom.
 “My mother talks a lot, she talks all day. It was unbearable, I could listen to it for
a while, but then I would get tired and tune out. I felt like I didn’t have space to express
myself and then I would go to my room and imagine everything I wanted to say.”
– Anonymous

“I became a girl who learned to dance for her teacher and behave the way mom
wanted at home and school. As a child, I remember seeking my mother’s hugs and
kisses with an effusiveness that surpassed me, and how my mother asked me to stop
and be still. I felt held back, I didn’t understand how mom could reject something as
beautiful as the affection that I wanted to give to her, and that she could give to me. My
father, more receptive, let me hug and kiss him and that helped me not feel so alone
because of the coldness that I felt from my mother.”
– Cati Preciado

The conservation two learned as a child to encourage others, to smile and always
be happy or, in any case, to fake it. All of this, closely linked to lies, is based on the
principle that, if reality is not so beautiful and entertaining, you can always change it a
little to make it more interesting. The intention was, as always, to get attention and be
loved and protected.

“It seems that my birth brought joy to the entire family without exception. There
was no one my age in my family. My cousins were also adults. I lived in an adult world
and had to adapt. I learned very quickly that if I made them happy, they listened to me,
they were with me. I learned to be very cuddly, they asked me for kisses and cuddles all
the time, and I gave it to them as long as they played with me and didn’t leave me
alone.”
– Anonymous

This idea that you can change reality results, in the future, in his ability to paint
life in a rosy color, minimize or omit unpleasant facts or explain life in a more beautiful
way. In not being able to see the “dark” or crude side of life. This interpretation in pink
is the way in which the child responds to family demands, that what is going wrong
doesn’t have to be said or shown. He establishes a very strong alliance with parents so
as not to feel defective or anxious.

“It was important to be close to my mother and be aware of everything she did,
said and felt. Sometimes I got angry or bored accompanying her, but I adapted: I knew
that later she would do what I wanted. Many times, on those errands with my mother,
I daydreamed, fantasizing stories to pass the time.”
– Cati Preciado

Together with the need to smile and make others happy to get approval and love,
there is also the need to convey an image that “I am good, obedient and always
available” and, of course, the fear of being caught lying.
 “With older people I was always afraid of being judged and exposed. My internal
feeling was not being able to control myself. I wanted to be polite and pleasant… my
gaze, whenever I crossed paths with an older person, would compulsively express: “I’m
good”. I so wanted to see a sweet smile… I so wanted protection and approval…
My big goal was to get people to see me as good. Above all, it was the elders I had
to convince. They had the power. A fear that I remember very well and that I still have
is the fear of being caught. I felt very embarrassed when they caught me doing some
prank. I felt the shame of the lie, of the image that I gave. If I wasn’t good, then I wasn’t
worth it. I continually felt this fear with my father.
When it came to believing I was good, better than the other children, there was a
very marked duality. I remember when I exchanged my neighbor (she must have been
five and I was eight) a car for touching her sex ten times. The next day my neighbor’s
mother came to protest about what happened. My mother didn’t ask me if it was true or
not, she just didn’t believe her. Great relief appeared in the figure. Deep down, the
indignity of my mother’s love. The figure of the asexual good boy was so defined that
behaviors that did not adapt to that model were framed in impulsive acts, done
unintentionally, of which I could not take responsibility for without falling off my
pedestal. And falling from the pedestal meant putting in danger the idea of being loved
a lot, at all times, more than others.”
– Guillermo Pérez

In this character, the figure of an absent father, whether in physical or symbolic

form, or his subsequent idealization seems to be a common point, especially in women.

“My father traveled a lot, worked a lot…; in conclusion: he was almost never at
home. And I loved him a lot. I said I wanted to marry him. Since every time he came he
asked me about school and my grades, I started studying compulsively; I wanted to be
the best, I wanted to do something that would impress him so that he would see me, so
that he would be with me. I became the best student at school, then the best student at
university and, finally, the boss’s right hand. When you are in a position like that, you
can’t lose it, you can’t fail and you have to work harder and harder. It’s exhausting…”
– Anonymous

Also the competition with the mother for the father is very evident. There is a
poorly resolved Electra complex, since the father gives a special place to the daughter
(in love with him) and does not put himself in his place as a parent in the system.

“With my mother it was always very intense, as a child; Her trying to “tame” me
and me, getting out of the “pen”. At times, I seemed very polite and obedient, until… I
wanted to get my way. My mother fought with me because of my impulsiveness and
capriciousness. Our relationship was her teaching me to be a good girl, to obey, to
behave properly, to do what is expected of me and to dress pretty. I recreated an image
of a Laura Ingalls style peasant daughter, who just wants to play, live life and have fun.
What scared my mother the most was my unpredictability; how I could change
my mind, tastes, direction, and how I couldn’t focus on anything. She felt distrustful of
what I could do or could be done to me, convinced that they would tease me and take
advantage of me.
With my father it was always as if we were friends, he always had nice music in
the car, he bought us sweets, he took us to the movies, there was never a lack of huge
ice creams, he always suggested going to the theme park, I played with him in the pool;
my father taught me to ride a bicycle and to be light, to not take life so seriously. I saw
him in those matching pants from the seventies, I liked to see his mane of straight jet
black hair and put on his glasses. My father’s presence was a balm of lightness and good
humor.
I had my father’s skin color, my nails were like his. His philosophy was that
fighting for something was not worth it. I have imitated his carefree and relaxed
behavior, giving in, like him, in order not to argue.
I remember defending my father from my mother; I felt totally identified with
him, with his craving for food, his desire to walk, his curiosity about the world. His work
always made me proud; he was a pioneer of computing. His stories about his trip to
Chicago where a computer covered an entire floor… were mind-blowing. I didn’t need
to read histories; my father told them to me. I imagined a life of adventures.
My father showed me his affection with his words and his permissiveness. He
called me: “my little girl”, “my brunette”, always praising my willing and affable
attitude, going so far as to say to my mother: “Why aren’t you more like your
daughter?”. I remember the discomfort of hearing those words. On the one hand I felt
important, but on the other my father reproached my mother for the way she treated us
and him, and I felt like I was betraying my mother.”
– Cati Preciado

The girl really feels that she has more power than the mother over the father,
with whom she wants to be a partner or his accomplice, responding to his suggestions.
There is thus great competition with the mother for that place.

“From early on my focus was the male world, either because of early
infatuations, or because I was already heading towards my father. Before I knew how to
ride a bicycle, I was already flirting with my father and competing with my mother,
posing sensually for photos he took, showing my legs to seduce him.”
– Anonymous

This disordered relationship with the mother and father leads, in the future, to a
difficulty for the woman to find her place among women, being one more, instead of
wanting to be the only one. With men she will always seek the place of privilege, and as
a couple she will place herself in the place of the complacent girl.
In this sense, it will be of great help for conservation E2 women to recognize their
place and that of the mother in the family. Put down your weapons, assume the damage
caused to the mother in this battle and be grateful, abandon the fight for the place that
does not belong to you. As well as recognizing that the alliance with the father cost her
the loss of motherhood. This is a difficult step because your own meaning is created in
relation to this place, but at the same time it will be very liberating and will allow you
to change the pattern of your relationship with other women, sistering and sharing
with them (instead of competing). It will also allow her to forge herself as a woman in
relation to men and abandon the position of a girl.
Statistically, there are fewer men than women of this character. The future male
conservation E2 has an intense relationship with the mother, who transmits to him a
special place and an erotic bond, which leads him to idealize himself as the special man
and, at the same time, an eternal child.
The relationship with the father can be more distant and sometimes competitive,
with the consequences of having difficulties in relationships with men, where he feels
proudly superior and internally not adequate to the adult male role. This childhood
experience often makes him have very sweet appearances and a more “feminine” way
of seducing, characterized by empathy, care and sensitivity.
In general terms, the conservation E2 has had an apparently happy childhood,
full of attention and references that gave him love and taught him what the world was
like, only through manipulated and irrational interpretations. Underneath, it was a
childhood of emotional lack of protection and, many times, with harmful exposure to
the world of adults. With an inconsistency between feeling childish and privileged and
being the repository of confidences that were not appropriate for their age.
He learned to do everything in his power to be the center of attention and get the
looks of his elders, being courteous, kind and obedient. That is the price of love, as this
character understands it in his childhood. Setting or receiving a limit is going to cost
you as much as having confidence in yourself. To make decisions he will rely on external
opinions, those that had value in the formation stage of his character. It has ultimately
fueled a deep distrust in this ambiguous love and in the ability of adults to truly care for
it.
In conclusion, as the expression of your being is “excused” or denied in one way
or another, you will learn to repress yourself in reality and live in fantasy, which will be
your great refuge. Fantasy with which to decorate that which is not pretty enough. You
will understand very quickly that an effective way to get love is to be the joy of the house
and not get in the way. With which you will become an expert in detecting the family
environment. And he will be a child with the Oedipus or Electra complex poorly
resolved, a fact that will bring competitive relationships with peers of the same sex and
difficulty in positioning themselves as an adult in the relationship as a couple.
Conservation E2 children are noisy, fussy, they interrupt, they cannot stand
demands, they are distracting and distracted. Critical, conceited and impulsive, they
always want to get their way. Many of these traits will accompany them throughout
adult life.
Or quite the opposite: they are shy, insecure, quiet and sensitive children, who
forget traumatic events and rewrite reality through fantasy until they lose awareness
of their feelings of aversion, rejection, anger and even hatred towards their parents or
caregivers. Rebellion can appear with adolescence, when they have already learned to
mask their true feelings, and stop fitting the image of a good boy, a good girl, trying to
attract attention at all costs, which implies not only merits but everything that serves
to stand out.
I will conclude with the testimony of my own childhood:*
Hello! This is the writer of this document! I just wanted to clarify this to avoid
misunderstandings. I believe this testimony to be from the writer of the book, one of
Naranjo’s students who continued his work after passing away. It isn’t by any means a
testimony from my person. Sorry for the interruption, now you can continue.
When I was five years old my mother died and my father decided, in many ways,
to die while alive. In fact, a few months later he was admitted to a psychiatric clinic.
Only now, twenty-eight years after his death, have I been able to open that box full of
pain, that episode of my life that I previously counted as someone that tells that he had
had a coffee. Now I can relive the panic I had the night she died, how alone I felt, having
to take care of my brother feeling that I didn’t want to, that it wasn’t my turn to do that,
that what I needed was to be collected. Now I can feel the pain in my chest, a fine pain
that goes through… and then, the rest of not having to hold, of not having to endure
with the armor of my chest the great sadness.
At that moment I felt the pain that my little person was capable of sustaining. I
remember crying a lot at first and the numerous “don’t cry” from those who were
unable to sustain their pain because of my crying. And that’s where I start to freeze my
chest so as not to feel: the beginning of a deep sadness that I still feel lurking around
inside here.
I begin to see all the effort, throughout my life, to not see the pain, replacing it
with two different strategies: one, inventing reality, distorting it, painting the world
rosy; and another, to directly push away everything painful, not to see it. With pride I
can freeze my chest without realizing that something is affecting me.
I wonder if from the emptiness of my mother’s death came the neurotic decision
to pretend that I was full. Yes, it was my way of escaping the tremendous envy I felt
towards others for having a mother, and my shame for feeling so different from the rest
of the children. I answer yes; for me there is a clear relationship between feeling this
great lack and wanting to hide it.
It is also at that time when the demand to do everything very well is born, to be
admired by my peers and loved by elders. I looked for the prime spot shining in the
school. Getting good grades was a guarantee of love from my teachers, so I didn’t
hesitate to put my soul fully into it. I remember my first moment of great anxiety with
studies when I was ten years old, for not having finished all the homework on time.
Would I lose the teacher’s love?
I was always the girl in my father’s eyes. I felt that we had a special bond, I
competed with my mother for my father’s love and she didn’t put me in my place, she
let me be there. After her death I automatically took her place, becoming my father’s
emotional support, fulfilling the Oedipus. I occupy the place of a partner and, inheriting
the role that mom played with him, I act as a mother. Daughter, partner and mother, an
impossible place. But if I felt omnipotent I could occupy it. That’s where I feel my pride
is born, the “I’m worth more than you and I’ll prove it to you”. Taking care of my father,
putting myself above him, made me feel more capable than the rest of the world. That’s
where the “I’m the best” and “men can’t take care of themselves” was born.
I recently heard Albert Rams say that character is formed to prevent something
from being repeated and, in a recent therapy session, I can see how I placed myself in
that place of omnipotence so that my mother’s death would not be repeated. I
discovered myself feeling more capable than God; my mother’s death was his mistake.
At the same time, I feel the great weight that not having been able to save her has meant
to me. Another part of my trait appears: the savior. “I will save everyone”: that is my
deepest crazy idea. It is a defense against something that can no longer be avoided. As
if trying to save everyone who I think needs it (it doesn’t matter if they ask me or not)
would repair my wound.
I also didn’t want the wound of abandonment to be repeated again, when my
mother did and my father was admitted to the psychiatric hospital. There I promised
myself: “I will never need anyone again.”
It was not strange for me, as a child, to be my brother’s mother. The environment
helped. I perfectly remember the rewards from my relatives: smiles and praise for being
so good, responsible, for taking such good care of my brother and for being so strong
and brave! I was the perfect girl they wanted me to be, I was so adorable…
I learned to always be available and to guess what was expected of me to be
accommodating and thus have love. I learned to disconnect from my fear and force
myself to be strong. I learned that taking care of others was more important than taking
care of myself. I learned not to ask so as not to bother and not to disappoint. I learned
to believe myself so good and capable that I could be the best. And, of course, I learned
to seduce with my gaze, my thanks and my eloquence.
This behavior gave me many privileges, in the family, at school. I learned the joy
of having the privilege and how to seduce adults to give it to me. An anecdote: in the
daycare I went to they put us all to sleep after eating. I didn’t want to sleep, and they let
me be with the teachers, or in an area for the older children, playing. Until one day,
while no one was watching, I decided to “free” the little ones from the sleeping area. I
went and opened the door for them; the teachers arrived, alarmed by the noise, and saw
that the two-year-old “little ones” were roaming freely with the door open. That’s
where my privilege ended.
“Privilege”... It sounds to my ears like heavenly music. It is dazzling, a place that
attracts me, traps me… Because it is a trap, a double-edged sword. Only now I can see it
like this. The price I paid for this privilege was high: with my father, always being
available; his needs first, then mine. This will mark my relationships with men in the
future.
The other thing that will mark my relationship with men is the division between
love and sex, which also began to take shape in my childhood. I remember being very in
love with my father and how I loved sitting on top of him, hugging him, being on his
lap, giving him kisses… While I was little, I remember the physical contact with my
father as open; we took showers together, probably until I was five. I don’t remember
how we stopped doing it, although I have the scene of a joint bathing day in which I
asked him something about his penis. And I begin to live my childish sexuality, with
shame and modesty. Something about my desire must have scared my father, who
censured it. I began to sense that it was not good; I could love him but not desire him.
This split between desire and love is something characteristic that still haunts me.

CHAPTER 7: PERSONA AND SHADOW - WHAT IS DESTRUCTIVE FOR ONESELF AND FOR
OTHERS
 Jung called “persona” the image we show to society; at work, at school or in
other social groups. The more dissociated it is from our inner self, the more it will be
used as a mask, with which we will exhibit qualities that we do not really possess.
And he called “shadow” the negative side of the personality, “that is, the sum of
the hidden and unfavorable characteristics, the failed functions and the contents of the
personal unconscious.”.
In short, according to Jungian theory, the shadow is hidden by the person. The
latter, which we create to protect ourselves from the outside world, is also used to hide
from our own shadow, and is the first one we see when we look in the mirror. If, in an
act of courage, we went further, we could see behind the persona the aspects of our
personality that we consider evil and that we are incapable of assuming. Our shadow
will be there.
According to María Adela Palcos, the persona is the side with which we identify,
based on the commands of those who were close to us in childhood. So some aspects of
our personality, those with which we identify, become part of the persona. A
conservation E2 woman, who, for example, in her childhood was treated by her parents
as the prettiest and most intelligent daughter in the family, will recognize herself as the
“prettiest and most intelligent”, and the characteristic of ugly and stupid will be found
in the shadow of this personality. However, if that same girl, pretty and intelligent, also
heard her parents tell her, countless times, that she was aggressive and restless, she
would integrate these characteristics into the persona, and would send the traits of
sweetness and serenity into the shadow of her personality.
Therefore, according to María Adela Palcos’ theory, we can find both in the
persona and in the shadow aspects that are socially negative and destructive for oneself
and for others.
If this character has an essential gift, it is the ability to “empathize”, we could
call it pseudo-empathy. He presents himself as affable and cordial, and that is how he
perceives himself, without revealing his true intentions. When you connect deeply with
the need and pain of others, genuinely and from a neutral internal place, you open space
for humility. But this same ability is what allows you to create all the seduction
strategies to be loved.
 Conservation twos are therefore good girls, or good boys, willing, delicate, happy
and attentive to the emotional needs of others… This is how they show themselves and
use that image to guarantee themselves a place of privilege and protection.
But this empathy can end suddenly if the other person proves to be controlling
or too dependent, because this character cannot stand the lack of freedom. Since the
person does not give themselves permission to be free for fear of lack of protection and
loneliness, they may become trapped in a relationship that overwhelms them, but their
treatment becomes harsh and aggressive. And she, who fears abandonment so much,
abandons coldly or gives herself permission to betray without assuming responsibility.
Thus, the other, who had been so enchanted by his sweetness, encounters someone who
closes or escapes, and forgives himself very easily.
In an intimate relationship, friendship or as a couple, an aggressive competition
can also develop, where it will be very difficult for him to recognize his selfishness or to
enter into a clarifying dialogue. On the contrary, the contempt for the other will be very
strong. And if she accepts her difficulties, it can turn into self-destructive self-hatred.
Finally, the most destructive thing for oneself and for the other is to remain in
immature relationships that feed low self-esteem and the experience of not achieving
true freedom.
The conservation two is not interested in being anything less than special, and
often stops pursuing his own projects for fear of not achieving them, of failure. And you
may also avoid success and self-actualization for fear of losing the support of your
parents, your spouse or other relationships. He fears that, by becoming autonomous,
he will lose his place of privilege and protection. It is an extremely destructive vicious
cycle.

“I see the self-sabotage. It is very convenient. I convinced my parents with great

delicacy that this or that job was not suitable for me because I would earn very little and
thus, I stopped going to interviews countless times.”
– Júlia Pessoa Husseini

One of the aspects of self-sabotage is avoiding contact with your own limitations
and consequently, failure. This type thinks he has to be “better at everything”, and
fears the negatives of adult life. He then maintains the idealization that “I’d be able to
pass the selection process” or that “I’d be accepted in the job interview”, giving
misleading excuses for not moving forward with his personal projects. In this way, it
does not take flight.
The greatest self-destruction of the conservation E2 is to sabotage the conquest
of autonomy and independence. Infantilizes adult life, hiding behind a justification that
supports “childish arrogance” and the idealization that it has not failed, so as not to
lose its place of privilege. He fears that by becoming autonomous he will no longer
belong to the system that initially provided him protection.
It is as if the Two, in his relationships, expressed: “I make everything easier for
you, between you and me, but let me stay here under your protection”. “Making
everything easier”, in this type, requires the ability to read the needs of the other. Uses
his ability to “empathize” to feed his own neurotic need for love, privilege and security.
A conservation E2 says what the other wants to hear and gives him what he needs by
launching his network to create relationships of deep dependence.
In this sense, they not only become destructive to themselves, but also to those
around them. Empathy (in principle, a gift) begins to serve the shadow. At this point,
he is blind. To his real needs and to truly see the other. The only thing that matters to
the person of this character is not to lose their privileged position or the feeling of being
the favorite. When his need to be important and to receive love is frustrated, he
dedicates himself to using his empathetic capacity for evil purposes. Can hurt deeply by
becoming extremely aggressive, demanding and vengeful.
The ignorance that overwhelms their immaturity, the constant negligence in not
wanting to know about the other, about others, about the world, is also very destructive.
The ignorance of not knowing how to handle oneself in life, nor taking responsibility
for the consequences of one’s actions, impulses and outbursts. The difficulty of
learning to read contexts, and their lack of discernment, reflection and patience.
Another aspect of the shadow is the denial of emotions that seem uncomfortable,
threatening, or deep discomforts that try to cry out for help to one’s own needs.
Sometimes, pain; in others, sadness; and also helplessness. Emotions that are difficult
to admit and assimilate.
Emotional disconnection and ignorance are very self-destructive aspects that
lead to the avoidance of authentic and transparent relationships with oneself and
others.

CHAPTER 8: LOVE

When talking about love, it may be worth starting by saying E2s “love”
themselves above others. Or better yet, that they are in love with their narcissistic
image. This fundamentally makes their relationships difficult, since there is no genuine
or real interest in other people. It is difficult to recognize this, because seeing yourself
like this is not something pleasant for the conservation E2. Behind it there is a lot of
shame and guilt. And, furthermore, often a poor self-image (camouflaged under false
abundance) helps to hide this infatuation with oneself.
 “I am incapable of truly seeing the other. I’m not interested. Since I’m the center
of the world I cannot see it, I only realize my needs and demands. Although, since my
character traits are very strong, the initial image that I project is wonderful: extremely
receptive, kind, loving, almost out of this world… When I exercise my power of
seduction, which is enormous, I feel light, I feel like someone special, attractive,
someone who must be a pleasure to be with, to chat with… someone with charisma.
There is a lot of guilt in being the way I am, even though it may not seem like it.
The distance from myself and others causes me a lot of pain; specifically, from my
partner. I am sitting and around me there is a mirrorball. I don’t see the world;
everywhere I look I only see myself. There is no contact, just me and me everywhere.
There is neither world nor people.”
– Vanesa Luna

“Before, I thought that I danced to seduce the other, and surely there was
something to that. Now I find myself dancing, seducing myself, enchanting myself with
how much I like it when I dance, how much I like it when I cook, when I sing. I find
myself looking in the mirror a thousand times a day, checking how pretty I am, or how
beautiful I feel.”
– Tania Rojo

False love is what characterizes this trait. Like the rest of the subtypes, it seems
to give it everything; shows a generous, kind, almost exaggerated love. We talk about
“false” because it is a love with acknowledgement of receipt. Everything the
conservation two does is carefully noted in a list, based on which at some point he will
ask or, rather, demand an account. In couple relationships and also very close
friendships, it reaches a very high level of surrender (better to call it pseudo surrender):
in attention, time, pampering, care… forgetting about himself and his personal
projects; and then later (when you realize it) reproach your partner for self-
abandonment.

“When I fall in love I forget about myself, I go to the other completely, I feel
inside: Ffffbbbbuuuuum! I’m already out there, eager to meet expectations, observing,
analyzing, converging… If I usually have a hard time detecting what my need is, if I fall
in love… it’s almost mission impossible!
I remember not going to university and accompanying him to work. My
obligations came second; the most important thing was to be with him.
[...]
I could give him everything, make him believe that I was giving myself, but deep
down I knew that I was not giving him or showing him even 50 percent of me.”
– Tania Rojo

According to Claudio Naranjo’s theory of the three loves, the person of this
subtype has compassionate love as the gateway to the relationship, like all enneatype
2, in the sense that their false abundance makes them generous and willing to help and
look after the other. The purpose of this false generosity is to involve the other in a
relationship of dependency to feel desired and thus nourish their false image.
He also shares with the other subtype of the two the tendency to idealize erotic
love, but his sexual life is often more in his fantasy and he represses it in reality. Due to
the fact that they have already experienced ambiguous or harmful experiences on a
sexual level as a child, they may find themselves in unwanted sexual relationships,
rather driven to obtain affection and confirmation. While, in romantic relationships,
many times, there is a conflict between love and sex, with difficulty uniting the two
experiences, for fear of true intimacy and because the old sense of guilt is renewed for
having fallen into the seduction of a parent, provoking the jealousy of the other. They
therefore continue with their mandate to behave like a girl or boy, in whose behavior
the sexual does not have much room, in reality, although on the other hand he
eroticizes the relationships.
Among the subtypes of Two, it is the one that specializes in compassionate love,
in taking care of others and supporting them in a concrete way, just as he learned in his
childhood with his parents.
The way a woman of this subtype takes care is to remain attentive to the needs
of the other with her warm and charming ability until the other feels fascinated to have
at his side a gentle geisha who, at the same time is capable of supporting him
emotionally and many times, also in the concrete. Let us remember that, among the
subtypes of Pride, conservation is the most concrete, the one that puts the most energy
into action. But he also suddenly becomes a tyrannical child who, with his capricious
seduction, manages to put the other at his command.

“I used sexual seduction to attract men, but I didn’t want to concretize sex. I just
wanted the attention, to feel desired, not the contact itself. In a repetition of the
childhood game, I was looking for moms and dads on the street. I thought I wanted a
relationship, but in truth I feared contact just like a girl fears.”
– Anonymous

Developing authentic compassion is very good work for the conservation E2

because, beyond the damage he can cause with his selfishness, the greatest damage is
to himself. The lack of self-pity comes from the harshness with which his internal judge
treats him. Developing compassion will help him connect with maternal love, which
will enable him to see the other in a more empathetic and complete way, with their pain
and their joy. And it will also help him connect with self-love, which will increase his
capacity for self-support.

“Working compassionate love on SAT V changed my life. I experienced the

feeling that I couldn’t fit so much love in my chest. I could see other people complete
with their light and their darkness; I had a deep respect for their ways and their
processes. That made me see myself with a more compassionate gaze, which has
allowed me to shake hands in moments when before I would have crushed myself.”
– Tania Rojo
 Admirative love remains in this character very affected by being at the service of
the need of someone who has the power to ensure its place of privilege. He can put a
teacher, a therapist or whoever on an altar, if it guarantees him a refuge where he will
not feel threatened or, above all, without resources.
He can also use this site next to the power to feel worthy, although you will never
fully believe it. On the contrary: this manipulation of someone with power will end up
further reinforcing their low self-esteem, due to the feeling of not being up to par or of
lacking the resources to live autonomously.
The conservation E2 feels admiring love, idealizing some, but like the rest of the
subtypes, it is not authentic love because the belief that “I am superior to the rest of
humans” dominates. And, although he dresses as a boy to seduce, the truth is that he
does not feel that he can learn from almost anyone. He gives his admiring love if he feels
that they are going to be rewarded, but if the person he admires does not recognize or
grant something, it does not take long for his admiring love to disappear and mutate
into something much more destructive.

“Before, my admiration for some people was very strong, in contrast to the
contempt I felt for others, considered less important. Some were granted an almost
divine status, and thus, there was no room for faith in God or devotional love. The “I
am because you are” left me at a zero point where very little was developed.”
– Anonymous

“When I have admired someone, I have tried to learn a lot to be like him or her.
But only so that when, later, I saw their flaws I could feel better than that person. First
I carry out a demanding test to see if they are worthy or not of being admired by me,
then comes a period of idealization, followed by one of looking for some fault in them
to verify that they were not as good as I believed or as he or she said, and be able to cut
off their head.”
– Tania Rojo

The friendship
We are dealing with lonely people who have difficulty sharing and, therefore,
maintaining and deepening friendly relationships. When it comes to making friends,
they become chameleons. Their great intuition dictates the rules of the game with
which to captivate whoever interests them. They are accommodating, fun, witty,
loquacious and with a touch of mystery that, at first, is interesting. They move better
one by one than in a group, although in these their observation skills lead them to
position themselves near the leader, a place of interest to them.
Conservation E2s have a hard time staying on role. They know perfectly well that
their hidden face will appear when they least expect it. As long as the other person is
reserved, they will have a challenge to overcome and will continue to make efforts. But
when you start trusting them, they will gradually lose their image of good and
understanding children. Euphoria appears, they get on, they feel that they have control
of the situation and they begin to play with the relationship. They invade, they don’t
listen, they lack respect. They make bad jokes. They want to be right.
In short, everything repressed in the image of good children they sold appears,
and when the other person gets angry or disappointed with them, they fall into a deep
emptiness; they don’t feel understood. They immediately return to their beliefs, they
prove once again that they cannot act freely, because when they do, others don’t
understand them. They can limit themselves to playing the victim, theatricalizing to
blame the other, but most of the time they decide to abandon and close the chapter.
One of the greatest difficulties of the person of this subtype is taking
responsibility for the fact that they have also caused pain since their egocentric position
makes it difficult for them to see others and, with their self-image, it is difficult for
them to recognize that they are not super good.

“I felt above some and others just for the fact of not belonging, of not being
attached to one environment or the other. This has been the story of my life, a
devastating dislocation hidden by pride.”
– Anonymous

These are distrustful and controlling people, so to show themselves they need to
feel a lot of confidence. They need to have verified that they are in a safe place where
they can open up, be vulnerable and reveal their weaknesses.
They are basically driven by interest. They go into contact so that the other meets
a need, with seduction as a means. They understand relationships as commercial
contracts, as games of favors. The yes because yes is difficult to understand for the
conservation E2; for someone to call him to simply know how he is doing is rare. Thus,
it is very difficult for them to take care of friendships, pay attention to others or show
genuine interest.
As rather independent and solitary people, the internal mandate of self-
sufficiency makes it difficult for them to count on others when they need help. On the
one hand, because they have to be able to handle everything alone and, on the other,
because of the feeling of debt that they have with that person.

The couple
Conservation E2’s life revolves around (romantic) love. When you are in a
relationship, because you have it, and when you don’t have it, because you lack it.
Confusion occurs: he believes that his happiness depends on the fact of having a
partner, so he passes on to the other person (when there is one) all the responsibility
for making him happy.
His life passes in an ambiguous emotional state, due to the combination of lack
and desire for physical contact. Childhood dependence persists in adults on someone
they consider older, more capable and organized, who provides him with physical and
emotional stability. Libido is an important aspect of this combination. The sexual
impulse can be intense, but it is also confusing and loses power in the conservation E2
man when he projects onto his partner the maternal figure, towards whom he had a
frustrated and fanciful erotic desire. Likewise, women with this trait project the father
figure onto their partner.
It is necessary to rebalance the source of satisfaction, more internal and less
external. The growth of a Two conservation involves completing the construction of an
internal reference that gives security in terms of its capabilities and autonomy; most
times, a function delegated to the couple. Admires and feels attracted to stable and
secure figures, to whom he feels he can dedicate more affection than sexual energy.
Sandra Maitri explains, in this regard, that the person of this character, after the
loss of the fusion with the mother, spends his life looking for how to reproduce that
feeling of being fused. And that is what you experience when you fall in love: an
immense (and fleeting) fullness in your heart. Confuses happiness with the sensations
that love as a couple gives him. Instead of directing his energy inward to fulfill himself
as a person and assume the responsibility of being happy by living a full love (not
romantic love), her energy goes outward, to get the piece that fits her so she can be
happy.

“I give the place of “most important thing in my life” to my partner, when I have
one, or to my possible partner, if I don’t have one. I have idealized the love of a couple:
more than traveling a part of the road together, it has to be someone who makes me
happy. I place the responsibility of my happiness on the other, whom I therefore
constantly blame if I feel that something is not right.”
– Tania Rojo

The difficulty of taking care of herself translates into difficulty of taking care of
the other, whose presence she interprets as a limitation to do what she pleases. When
there are children, caring for them and caring for the couple and herself overwhelms
her, as if she could not be present with others and with herself at the same time. So,
even though they seem so accommodating and affectionate, it is difficult for the person
to have their own voice in the coexistence. It’s as if to take care of herself she had to get
others out of the way. And she goes and hides from her partner to do whatever she
wants: eat, go shopping, go out with her friends and, if she dares, with her lover.
The couple becomes the authority, until their interests are threatened; there will
appear the list of complaints or the rebellion of feeling subjected and sacrificed.
Submitting is not assumed to be something she does. And, as for “sacrifice” she lives
by not doing what she likes, not indulging herself, to give the image that she pleases
and is well disposed. It is very difficult for you to feel like a couple: on an equal footing
with your partner. Because being would mean being equally responsible as the other, so
deep down it is not in your best interest. If you assumed your responsibility you could
contact your true needs.
The couple’s life is idealized, she doesn’t want to be alone. The person of this
character wants company but without having to make an effort, as if he expected the
benefits of living as a couple to happen on their own. He will be able to endure various
dissatisfactions, as long as he lives in his idealization, until he exploits and blames the
other, since he believes that he has contributed his affection and his dedication, and
since there is no capacity for self-criticism, when his partner tells him that something
bothers him, he feels very offended and believes it is better to leave the relationship
than face the difficulty.
Some partners of conservation E2s express feeling invaded, overwhelmed,
interrupted, that they cannot count on her, that she goes from being fun to insatiable,
that she is not happy with anything, that she cannot stand criticism… As they also feel
seduced by the apparent lightness, freedom and illusion of someone who does not ask
for anything to be happy and give affection.
When the couple decides to separate, some conservation Twos are surprised,
without understanding the other’s motivations. “How dare you leave me if I have given
you so much”. This confusion prevents you from admitting and assimilating your part
in the breakup. And in turn, when she is the one who decides to leave a relationship, it
can be very difficult for her to stay alone, projecting onto the other the fear of feeling
alone and hurt. Sometimes she is heard saying that she feels “sorry” for the other
person. There is dependency and great difficulty in losing the ideal love that once
existed with the partner, or what she believes it means to her partner.

Relationships “above”
The conservation E2 distinguishes relationships “above” and relationships
“below”. A relationship “above” is one you have with a partner who clearly desires you.
After a stage of seduction and complacency towards that partner to ensure the
conquest, the demand begins to appear, the requirement of this character. A cold and
capricious person emerges with endless desires to satisfy; most of them materials. The
string of desires appears one after the other, so that, as soon as the couple satisfies one,
the second is already in queue and will not take long to be expressed. It is as if she
organized an obstacle course to prove herself and her partner that it is not true that they
love her.

“I had a relationship with a boy six years older than me, a person with a big and
noble heart. I was enchanted by the fact that he opposed me and I continued in that fight
until I won. I fell in love, I became dependent, I demanded heaven and earth and he gave
them to me. I asked him for demonstrations of love, he endured tremendous attacks of
jealousy, scenes… He granted me all my whims, demands, dinners, trips… and I always
kept my eye on what he was not granting me or what I was missing.”
– Vanesa Luna

As he invests so much energy in the process of conquest, little by little she

realizes that the character she sold in the early days is not true and it is difficult for him
to maintain it. When she reaches that point in the relationship, she feels the need to
show the other side of the coin, and she goes to the opposite pole. Long faces emerge,
dissatisfaction, constant criticism, anger (not expressed in an adult way with direct
confrontation, but like a child whose cravings have not been satisfied), jealousy,
accusations, reproaches.

“Very demanding of the other. In fact, so much that he would never meet my
expectations, since a new crazy idea would always be born in me.”
– Vanesa Luna

“I have created a number of scenes in which I have been hysterical, out of my

mind, and my energy was focused on destroying him, annihilating him.”
– Anonymous

Logically, the other does not understand anything, since they are faced with
someone clearly different from the one they had known. Even so, the couple usually
makes an effort to comprehend, tries to understand. But the person of this character is
going to be in charge of gradually destroying the love of their partner, until she can
confirm, once again, that they really did not love her. It will force the end of the
relationship, in fact, she is going to make sure that the couple takes the responsibility
for finishing it, since if she finished it she would ruin her self-image of being good.

“I constantly test the other, until I have so much “proof” that the other is to
blame, that I have reason to leave him.”
– Vanesa Luna

⚠️ R RATED CONTENT ⚠️

Relationships “below”
They are those in which the beloved object of E2 conservation is impossible.
These are relationships in which you feel very attracted to the other person, whom you
idealize to a large extent. He only focuses on the good and wonderful part; he does not
see the whole person and falls madly in love with what he sees. In that type of
relationship, the person of this subtype no longer feels so safe. He is afraid of being seen
only as a sexual object and at the same time he plays with sexuality (very active) as a
way to trap the other; that is, he fears the same thing he does, since he shows himself
as a sexual object. That game is also to gain some false security in front of the other.

““I’m all yours, you can do whatever you want with me”. A sex toy; your sex toy.
How many times have they fucked me in pain and I haven’t said anything; I have put all
my energy into ensuring that it is not noticed, especially that he does not notice; that it
seems like I enjoy…
I already realized that something was not right, but I was unable to verbalize
anything; in fact, I denied it to myself; I would do anything to maintain the status quo,
no matter how painful, crazy and surreal it was.
I have felt the neurotic pleasure of being that sex toy, like an image, like an icon,
sex bomb, porn star.”
– Tania Rojo

⚠️ R RATED CONTENT ⚠️ OVER

In this type of relationship the other, who simply wants to try, and begins
without any commitment, suddenly finds himself with an attractive being but who
demands commitment right away. What this error achieves is the progressive
distancing of the chosen one. And here, the E2 conservations loses its roles. He does not
understand abandonment and demands his return with one eye. Fatal.
Enneagram children do not accept being despised, and sink into misery for a
time. In these “below” relationships, there are cases in which the effort to seduce the
impossible love comes into effect and the objective is achieved. However, interest in the
other plummets at the proportional speed with which desire rose when it was not
reciprocated. When you feel that it is yours, that they have opened up, that they are in
love, that you are close, then the game ends, because the only thing that mattered was
the conquest. What stimulated it was the challenge, getting the other to hang up.

“The challenge appears, to be able to make him notice me. To be able to seduce
him, to make him fall in love, to make him go crazy for me, to have nothing more
important in his life than me… And I became more and more insatiable as I got what I
wanted. The challenge excites me, it fills me. Getting over it was above what I felt for
that person. (Did I feel something?) The challenge blinded me, and I was no longer in
touch with what I wanted or what I felt. I didn’t even know he wasn’t in contact with
me. The more difficult the challenge felt, the more in love I said I was.”
– Tania Rojo
 At the opposite pole of treating the other (whether or not you get it) as an object,
is letting yourself be treated as an object and allowing yourself to be humiliated. Faced
with the fear of loneliness that follows the breakup, a very strong capacity for
endurance emerges.

“My game of seduction has been accompanied by a castrating instinct. As in the

relationship with a boy I didn’t know very well. I admired him from afar because he had
a strong character, because he was a pimp, because he was highly coveted by girls. I
myself had wanted him very much, and when I have him in my hand, I despite him.
Now, the feeling of guilt for that attitude pushed me to enter a new game for me:
that of submitting to humiliation. After that experience I have allowed myself to be
humiliated by men on many occasions, almost as many as I have castrated.
– Anonymous

“In that relationship I completely canceled myself. I let him take ownership of
me, treat me however he wanted. I always blamed myself for everything and he, of
course, also blamed me. I didn’t feel capable of anything if I wasn’t with him. I became
much more dependent than I had been in the previous relationship, although in reality
he did not fulfill me as much and I did not feel good with him, nor in trust, because when
I told him the things that happened to me, or my growth processes or my reflections…
then he used them to throw them in my face when we argued. I was always “the crazy
one”.
After the psychological abuse, the physical abuse followed. I have needed to go
very low, get lost a lot, stop being me a lot, to be able to find myself.”
– Tania Rojo

The humiliation that the E2 conservation accepts from his partner is closely
related to the dependence he feels.

“As I became “independent” from my parents, I became more and more

dependent on my new relationship.”
– Anonymous

The fear of feeling the childhood wound of abandonment again places him in a
childish and timeless place, where he is willing to endure all kinds of situations,
whether or not he is aware that they do not suit him.

Couple trends
When it comes to getting married, many opt for couples with whom they share a
great friendship, and the relationship, more than a marriage, becomes a child’s play
where everyone does their own thing and in general there is little mutual dedication.
However, there are also frequent relationships with people of strong and secure
character who compensate for the insecurity of this childish character. They sacrifice a
large part of their desired freedom and submit to the clear and well-argued direction of
their partner, which can lead to greater loss of responsibility and an almost total
annulment, in exchange for feeling satisfied that desire to obtain the privilege that they
pursue neurotically.
The E2 conservation falls into its own trap, sticking to comfort, although at the
price of playing the role it had in its family of origin: to brighten and decorate. From
that place she distances herself from her partner, whom, if she is a woman, she sees
more as a father than a lover, and by whom she does not feel understood or loved. A
relationship of this type turns off her life since she loses her strength as a woman and
feels more and more invalid. In extreme cases, the relationship leads her to a depressive
state that forces her to abandon everything to start over.

The seduction
“That I was constantly seducing without realizing it caused many people to think
that I was insinuating myself: with my way of walking, tight pants, my moving hair, my
laughter, my gaze, leaving half-sentences… On the SAT I was shocked by the number of
guys who thought that I was “flirting” with them or that they had a chance with me.
Logically, this attitude has led me to many misunderstandings.”
– Anonymous

Although it seems that seduction is his art, in reality the E2 conservation has
great difficulty accepting it and learning to use it, due to the asexual self-image, which
comes from family introjects. He will rarely go head on towards someone he likes, he
may even pretend he is not interested out of embarrassment of showing it. Or, in a fit
or daring, you can use all kinds of strategies to “make the other understand” (at least,
that’s what you think) that you’re attracted to them.

“I have not been seducing “at face”. Many times I have felt in that place of
“privilege” which is being chosen by the one who in my internal world occupied a high
place in the hierarchy. But that’s not what I really wanted. In reality, I was attracted to
another boy, but my inability to approach him and my shame were such that I was
capable of going another route to avoid meeting him.”
– Vanesa Luna

What is the reason for this continuous seduction?

 “The enormous need for contact, attention and tenderness… The feeling of lack
is so close to the surface that it lasts very little when someone arrives with whom you
feel all that…”
– Vanesa Luna

He also falls into compulsive sexual relations, one after another, in moments of
depression, which he does not sustain. Faced with frustration over a lost love or
humiliation, she resorts to sexual confirmation, often far from enjoyment and leaving
there with even more frustration, and with a sense of guilt, for having betrayed the
image of a good and clean girl. Of a good boy, who has betrayed mom and dad.
At work, the E2 conservation seduces his boss, in a similar way to how he seduces
his partner, to achieve a convenient and comfortable position with respect to his
colleagues. He does not like direct competition with his peers, which requires effort in
action, and there he can lose. Know that, if you manage to get the boss to like you, you
will have a lot of advantage over your colleagues, who will, however, be disconcerted by
the privileges you receive, so they will not make your task easier. Hence team
cooperation is difficult and he prefers to act alone, at his own pace; with the consent of
the boss.
The same will happen if you hold coordination or leadership positions in which
you have to directly confront people in your charge. He will feel uncomfortable in that
position and will go to his superior if his subordinates do not “obey” him, something
that will be due to him not taking his place.
In exchange for those privileges, he is capable of almost anything. He submits to
the requests of someone who, more than his boss, is his protector, with whom he
maintains a relationship of affection, and sacrifices his private life for work, as if it were
his own company. The boss’s praise is the reward of the enneagram child, and it spurs
his will to serve to unsuspected limits. He is reproducing with the boss the privileged
relationship he had with that father or mother whom he also seduced. And revived the
relationship with the brothers, with whom he did not compete directly but rather won
over one of the two parents.

“Praise motivates me and makes me give everything for work. By maintaining

my image as a good employee in front of the boss, I am capable of going to extremes, of
working until I am exhausted. But I don’t do it for the job, I do it to not disappoint him.”
– Anonymous

When the person of this character cannot seduce his boss, he goes into crisis, he
is lost, he lacks motivation to work hard, he does not feel seen or valued, he does not
know how to be one more. Can easily throw in the towel.
 “I had a boss whom I couldn’t seduce. I started to hate him. Since at that time
there was an undeclared war between that boss and another of the department, I was
very clear that I would join the other to annoy him. In the end we all managed to kick
him out of the company.”

CHAPTER 9

Nero the Antichrist, the arsonist, the murderer, the matricide, the madman capable of
perpetrating any atrocity, the bloodthirsty. But also the artist, the musician, the histrion and the
one who "oppressed the great but was gentle with the small". (Napoleon Bonaparte)

He was the fifth emperor of Rome, the last of the Julio-Claudian dynasty. He reigned for about
fourteen years, during which he conquered the love of his people, seduced and fascinated by
his "inexhaustible" generosity. At the same time he was hated by the self-rulers, whom he
courageously opposed by taking political decisions that were reckless and too avant-garde for
his time.

Historians, both contemporary and later Christian, passed on to the following centuries the
"black legend" that still accompanies him. While modern historiography, with the archaeological
remains found recently and with therigorous control of the sources, gives a very different image,
perhaps more plausible, of an emperor who is certainly not guilty of all that had been attributed
to him.

He is a controversial and contradictory character. On the one hand, it is easy to recognize his
dependent nature: the Nero in need of love, the "good boy" ready for any kind of renunciation to
fulfill his mother's ambitions and thus protect himself from his own insecurities, external threats
and abandonment. In the same way, his seductive, histrionic, playful, irresponsible, he-donistic
side emerges, seeking in every way to free himself from the power of the other, from
constraints, from social norms, obsessively pursuing the image of himself as an extraordinary
person. His darker side, characterized by excesses, despair, violence and self-aggression, will
emerge in the course of time, triggered by the fear of being left alone and by a feeling of
constant threat to his life and authority.

Nero belongs to an imperial dynasty that carries a long series of bad deeds: deceit, plots and
crimes for which no one feels protected.

His mother was Agrippina the Younger and his father, Cnaeus Domitius Enobarbus, known for
his arrogance and cruelty; it is said that he told his friends who congratulated him on the birth of
Nero: "From me and Agrippina can only have been born a being dangerous and harmful to all".
He never wanted to take care of his son and died when Nero was only three years old.

Agrippina the Younger, an excessively ambitious and power-hungry woman, was immediately
banished by her brother Caligula for being involved in a conspiracy against him; she would see
her son again only after forty years.
Nero spent the first years of his life deprived of the most intimate family affections. He cultivated
a very deep feeling for his paternal daughter, Domitia Lepida, who educated him with love and
awakened his interest in art and dance. Years later Agripina, jealous of the affection between
aunt and nephew, and worried that it might interfere with the projects she had for herself and for
Nero, she forced the latter to testify against her aunt in a political process as a result of which
Domitia was condemned to death.

Back from exile, Agrippina manages to marry Claudius, the emperor, despite being his uncle
and married to Mesa-lina. In the meantime, she provides her son, on whom she pours her
ambitions, with the best instruction worthy of a future emperor.

Nero is ready to do anything so as not to feel abandoned again; he knows that he is

indispensable to his mother's ambitions and pays a high price for the privilege of being the
"chosen one". At Agrippina's request, he marries his half-sister Octavia, daughter of Claudius, at
the age of sixteen and relegates his passion for art and sports to a simple pastime. He has no
contact with his peers until his adolescence because his life is constantly threatened by the
attacks unleashed by the machinations of his mother.

At the age of seventeen, in 54 A.D., he succeeded Clau-dio on the throne, poisoned by

Agrippina. The sources describe his first years of government as prosperous and happy. Under
the influence of Agrippina, Seneca and the prefect of the praetorium Afranio Burro, Nero
implemented a policy favorable to the senators to restore to them an authority weakened over
time and to guarantee them privileges and wealth.

He is a moderate and diplomatic emperor, who refuses the title of Father of the Fatherland
answering: "When I have deserved it". He represses spontaneity and instinct, he is a devoted
and obedient son; his priority is to satisfy the desires of his mother, to whom he delegates all
power. During these early years he fails to construct an identity separate from Agrippina; he
idealizes her and seeks to establish a symbiosis with her. Coins were minted depicting them
together, he chose as a password for the guards the words. "Optima mater", and allowed his
mother to participate, incognito, in Senate meetings.

Nero is very dependent on the mother; the role of emperor is too heavy for his age and he feels
neither adequate nor up to the responsibilities. Rome is a military power. Everything revolves
around battles and bloodshed. Nero, however, has a different disposition. He is sympathetic.
During his rule he did not decree wars of conquest; instead, he took care of the defense of the
confines. He opposed deprivation of life in general and it is said that when he had to sign a
death sentence, to which he was deeply opposed, he remarked, sorrowfully, "I wish I did not
know how to

write."

He imagines himself more as an artist than as a sovereign. What interests him is art and he
loves to spend his time, when allowed, attending chariot races or exercising and exhibiting
himself with singing, acting and poetry. When someone asks him what he would do if he were
deposed as emperor, Nero replies, "Art will always give me a chance to live." It seems that
before his death he uttered this phrase: "What an artist dies with me!

He harbored a deep passion for Greek society and culture; he extolled the importance of art and
aesthetics. He never wore the same suit twice, he loved jewelry and fine fabrics, he spared no
expense because he felt he deserved the best. He was cgo-centric and demanding, like a
capricious child claiming his right to happiness. When it was on display, no one could leave the
theater, not even for an emergency, not even when there was an earthquake!

Some women, it is said, were even forced to give birth in the stalls.

She lives on romantic fantasies and through them she idealizes herself. Fanta-sies, considering
their power, which sometimes manage to transform into "reality. One day it occurred to him that
he should experience motherhood; he was obsessed with the desire to experience pregnancy
and give birth to a child. He summoned the best doctors in Rome to make his bread; exhaustive
explanations about the impossibility of pregnancy and childbirth were of no use.

The exhaustive explanations about the impossibility of lime and, in order to save himself from
the threat of death, he called in the best doctors in Rome to make his bread.

doctors gave her a miraculous potion in which she hid a small live frog. This one, moving in the
belly, would give him the sensation of an advanced pregnancy. In the midst of the pains, the
emperor, thanks to a purge, "gave birth". The frog was paraded through the streets of the city in
a royal chariot followed by the aristocracy.

As a Hellenistic sovereign, he paid much attention to his appearance and in an original way,
which attracted attention. He appeared in public in a simple silk tunic, unusually short, unbelted,
with bare feet and a handkerchief around his neck. Her hair was well cared for but
transgressively long, like those of the poets.

Politics, on the other hand, is just an agenda of duties. Over time, he began to feel the effects of
his mother's oppressive control, discipline and the dramatic choices imposed by his role. He
aspires to reign alone, desires "absolute power" to feel free to do as he pleases and lead a
more carefree lifestyle.

He develops a demagogic policy, giving everyone extreme freedom. He goes down among the
public, he likes to mingle with the common people. At night he leaves the palace to go to the
slums. During the day he delights his people with shows and exhibitions, organizes great games
and events, awards prizes. He forbids the killing of gladiators in the arena. He orders the
distribution of wheat during famines. Devalues the currency to boost the economy. He
sanctioned a tax reform that favored the business classes and penalized the unbridled luxury of
the senatorial class and the powerful imperial freedmen.

This type of policy proved useful and effective. It spent enormous sums to enrich the city with
works of art and monuments, and with it Roman society achieved the highest cultural and
aristocratic recognition. However, the senatorial class, which more than any other had been
affected by the reforms, became his enemy forever.

The rupture was verified when Agrippina, who despised the arristic inclinations and the
extravagances of her son, which she considered unsuitable for an emperor, began to tell
everyone that her stepson, Britannicus, legitimate heir of Claudius, was already capable of
assuming the office of emperor.

Nero was no longer the first, the favorite, despite his renunciations and devout "generosity",
seemed replaceable. Terrified by his mother's intimidations, deeply wounded and feeling
helpless and threatened in his authority, he first poisons Britannicus during a banquere and then
sends his mother into exile, to then order the matricide.

The assassination of Agrippina was a key moment in Nero's life. Already by having exiled her
and limited the interference of his power, he had definitively severed the relationship with the
most important woman in his life, the woman to whom he had sacrificed himself and who, for
better or worse, had contained his feeling of vulnerability and inadequacy. In a way, it had killed
the very meaning of his existence. He often said that he felt haunted by the image of his mother
and by the goshawks and burning torches of the Furies.

Even his faithful collaborators distanced themselves - even if they remained accomplices and
active defenders of his image - because they could not forget the gesture of inhuman violence
of which he had been capable.

Considering his strong dependence on his mother, if he managed to get rid of her, it was
because he felt he could trust his second wife: Poppea. A shrewd and ambitious woman, like
Agrippina she was aware of the influence she exercised over the weak and suggestible lover.

In addition to Poppea, Nero appointed as advisor Gaius Ophius Tigellinus, a coarse man,
known for his cruelty, who shared with her the passion for the with his passion for excesses and
led him to disavow him of sodes and to approve drastic measures against and to approve
drastic measures against the enemies or prospected enemies.

Nero is freed from what remains of the gentle, art-loving, justice-driven child and, overwhelmed
by his need for control and self-preservation, becomes a tyrant.

Tigellinus sowed Rome with spies. Every negative allusion to Nero ended in murder or suicide.
The terrible revenge after the conspiracy of Pison is famous: Nero will eliminate without
hesitation all his opponents and also his preceptor Seneca.

In cl year 64 a great fire had destroyed Rome. Many blamed Nero who, in his delusions of
grandeur, immediately set about building, on the ruins, the Domus Aurea, the largest residence
built by a sovereign in the heart of the city, and also a bronze statue of more than 30 meters, the
colossus of Nero, in which he assumed divine appearances. Probably Nero was unjustly
accused; he was not in Rome when the fire broke out; but the truth is that to divert suspicions
he put the blame on the Christians: thousands of them died amid atrocious sufferings.
During the following years, in the midst of fierce repression, food shortages and rebellions in
Spain, Gaul and northern Africa, tensions against Nero grew stronger.

The crisis could have been resolved, but Nero could only imagine revenge actions or dream of
the repentance of the revolting troops just by appearing unarmed and supplicant in front of
them.

The Senate deposed him and declared him a "public enemy", ordering his arrest and whipping
him to death. The Praetorian Guard left the palace. Nero knocked imploringly at all the doors of
friends, but found no one willing to help him or agree to kill him. "Then I have neither friend nor
foe?" he cried.

Abandoned by all, he took refuge six kilometers from Rome, in the house of a faithful freedman.
In spite of his despair, Nero did not give up easily and hesitated for a long time, unable to kill
himself and to avoid He only when he heard the horses of the approaching preca rians, he
plunged It was only when he heard the horses of the approaching preca rians that he plunged,
aided by the freedman Epaphrodius, a dagger into his neck. He died of forced suicide at the age
of thirty-one, when in the anguish of loneliness he was forced to take action because, this time,
no fantasy could have saved him.

Marie Antoinette

Maria Antoniera is a very representative historical character of the

Ez conservation. The Queen of Versailles exalted her personality traits in a very visible way.

Here is a description by Stefan Zweig, her most prominent biographer

biographer:

'Marie Antoinette was neither the great saint of monarchism, nor the lost one of the Revolution,
but a character of an average type: a woman in reality vulgar; neither too clever nor too foolish;
neither fire, nor ice; without special tendency towards good and without the slightest inclination
towards evil.'

In spite of living in an era where her role clearly had very well marked protocols, Antoinette
sought to live in her own way; trying to dispense with the obligatory and established protocols of
her time, and in the search for her freedom and autonomy.

She and her family ended up in a great tragedy that at the same time portrayed that historical
period: a people and a country that, not being seen or taken into account, full of hunger and
despair, decided to do away with the monarchy and, with it, everything it represented.

A child queen is born

Marie Antoinette was born on November 2, 1755 in the apartments of the Hofburga Palace in
Vienna, the fifteenth child of Queen Maria Theresa of Habsburg. The little girl is baptized as
Marie Antoinette Josefa Juana, and in the family they call her Antoine (or Madame Antonia). In
her book Cursed Queens, Cristina Morars notes: "The court chamberlain wrote in his notebook:
"Your maja-rad has happily given birth to a small but completely healthy archduchess.

At the time of Marie Antoinette's birth, the mother is thirty-eight years old and at the head of the
Austen Empire, she is a sovereign very devoted to the duty of ruling, and in her time she was
one of the most powerful women in Europe.

Marie Antoinette's childhood is described as idyllic. She lives in palaces with botanical gardens,
collection of wild and exotic animals, with various residences for the family according to the
different seasons of the year; she especially enjoys one that is described as her favorite, where
the children enjoy placidly in a country atmosphere and with freedoms that cannot normally be
had within the Viennese court.

Marie Antoinette's father, Emperor François I, a cheerful, relaxed and easy-going character,
helps to ensure that his children are brought up like a normal bourgeois family, with no demands
on their time outside the palace, allowing them to behave more freely:

Everyone is indulgent with the charming Antoinette, including her father, who has a soft spot for
her. Her less benevolent mother, however, labels her as rebellious, impetuous and capricious.
She does not realize that, with her behavior and antics, the little girl is trying to get her attention
(...) The little girl, who has never felt loved by her mother, takes refuge in her sister Maria
Carolina (...) They have a very special bond and both are very talkative and extraverted
children.

The little girl grew up developing artistic talent, participating in celebrations where children
danced, sang and played characters; all this with the encouragement of her parents, who
transmitted to her the love for music; she received instruction from the best masters of her time
for singing and dancing.

All the queen's daughters were educated to become the monarchy of the future, learning the
customs of the time.

Such instruction included attitudes of modesty, submission and skills to conduct themselves
according to custom. In the monarchy, proper and regal behavior was expected to live up to
their expectations in order to continue the lineage.

The pubescent girl is married

At the age of twelve, her mother decides that Antoinette should be the wife of the Dauphin of
France, Louis Auguste de Bourbon. The sovereign can see that she is a very attractive young
girl, with some defects that could be corrected, such as crooked teeth that, in her time, they try
to correct with some wires on the teeth, and a forehead that they say is very wide, and that a
stylist helps to disguise.
For his future in leeks, attractiveness does not seem to be a limitation, but his poor education
does. She can barely write and what she writes is without spelling rules; she has not the
slightest interest in reading, history, literature or languages. Marie Antoinette is cheerful,
charming, and friendly, but this lack of interest in learning and cultivating herself will mark her
destiny: "Playful, distracted, frolicsome, mischievous, little Marie Antoinette, despite her great
facility for understanding, never shows the slightest inclination to concern herself with any
serious matter.

As a preceptor she is assigned the abare Vermond, who describes the pubescent girl in class:

She has more intelligence than was suspected in her for a long time but, unfortunately, this
intelligence, until the age of twelve, has not

has not been accustomed to any concentration. A little laziness and a lot of lightness has made
it even more difficult for me to give her lessons.

At the age of twelve, the little carefree archduchess learns that she will be the dauphin of
France. Her mother, a few months before her departure, spends more time with her, trying to
converse and prepare her for her future reign.

At the age of thirteen and a half, France formally requests Marie Antoinette's hand. The slender
teenager, with small breasts and small stature, does not seem to be the most developed and
prepared for such a role.

However, upon meeting her father-in-law, King Louis XV finds her charming, spontaneous and
childlike, and lets her mother, Queen Marie-Thérèse, know that the French royal family is
delighted and considers her a blessing.

As for the dolphin (her future husband), he is an introverted and unattractive adolescent, who
when meeting her is formal and protocol, without enthusiasm. This will mark their first years of
marriage, full of indifference and tasteless, preventing them from consuming the marriage and
failing to be the idcal couple that the court and the pucblo so much desires.

They pass without many novelties: The young woman, to kill her boredom, plays with the
younger brothers of her recent es-poso, in a life she experiences full of monotony.

At first she is affable in the face of court conventions; but she clearly finds the rituals at
Versailles a nuisance, where from waking to going to bed, every moment of the day is burdened
with strict ways of behaving and being attended to in the French protocol.

Added to this was the constant presence of the court hierarchies, on whom her hygiene, her
dress, her hairstyle, her activities depended. In her service alone, there could be around five
hundred people of different levels, even if she only spoke to a few of them.

Discovering adolescent amusement

When she reaches eighteen, she seeks distractions by attending the opera, the theater and
horse races, in the company of her brother-in-law. He becomes interested in entertainment,
escaping from Versailles at night to spend long evenings in Paris.

From then on, her husband Louis xvI shows more interest in her, makes comments of
admiration and is proud of Marie Antoinette. However, faced with the non-existent sexual life
between the two, due to a problem of phimosis of the dolphin, she seeks refuge in his
distractions:

For years, his sexuality is unsuccessfully explored in this unsatisfactory, shameful and
depressing way, which never once satisfies his appetite. Thus, it is not necessary to be a
medical neurologist to say that her fateful excess of life, that perpetual coming and going and
never being satisfied, that fickle race of pleasure in pleasure, are a typically clinical
consequence of a permanent state of unsatisfied sexual arousal produced by her husband.
Because, in the depths of her being, she has never felt true emotions and has not been able to
calm down, this woman, not yet possessed after seven years of marriage, has a need for
movement and noise around herself, and what was a childish and exhilarating fondness for
playfulness is anxiously turning into an atheism with anxied po in a por ate oneroine di Marfa
Teresa and all the friends try to struggle vainly.

The dauphine becomes queen

A year later, Louis XV, her father-in-law, died, leaving the way clear for Louis XVI and Marie
Antoinette to become the kings of France. Her role as the new sovereign develops between
continuous nightly trips to Paris with the ladies and gentlemen of her petit comité. It will now
also include the decoration of a small palace, Le Petit Trianon, which has just been given to her
by her husband, the new king. Marie Antoinette will spend more than ten years in this place,
using it as a refuge to which no one will be able to enter without her invitation.

Decorated with care and without limit of funds, the protocol followed at Versailles will not be
compulsory. "To be queen, for the nineteen-year-old Marie Antoinette, means exclusively to be
the most elegant, the most flirtatious, the best dressed, the most flattered and, above all, the
most amusing woman in a whole court"?

María Antonieta no desea pasar a la Historia; es una reina adolescente con poca visión del
futuro. Sus intereses no van más allá de su propia persona, sus placeres, y no tiene el menos
interés en aportarle al mundo una ideología: «Desde su infancia sólo es característico en ella
un fuerte, obstinado y a menudo pueril instinto de in-dependencia; no quiere dominar, pero
tampoco ser dominada o influida por nadie. Ser soberana no es otra cosa para ella sino ser
libre»."

Parte del desinterés de Antoniera por lo que sucede a su alrededor radica en su ignorancia de
la Francia de su época, donde una grave crisis económica, con hambruna, atraviesa el país.
Este no involucrarse en los asuntos del pueblo se aúna con las intrigas y rumores que difunden
las hermanas del rey difunto, que siempre la vieron mal. Circulan panfletos acusándola de
amoríos con hombres y mu-jeres, así como de un despilfarro infinito del dinero del pueblo.

There was some truth to these rumors. For Marie Antoinette went overboard in her whimsical
purchases of dresses, shoes, hats, all made of the finest materials of the time, feathers and
precious rhinestones. Not only did she impose a fashion in the capital of trends, but the very
extravagance of those high and large hairstyles made it difficult to transport the most beautiful
ladies, forcing them to go on their knees to move in those carriages.

This was, from the beginning, Marie Antoinette's fatal error; she wanted to triumph as a woman
instead of as a queen; her small feminine triumphs were more important to her than the great
and transcendental ones of universal history; her frivolous heart did not know how to give to the
idea of royalty any spiritual content, but only a perfect form, dwarfing in her hands a great
mission, turning it into a passing game; a great destiny, into a theatrical role'.

Motherhood arrives

At the age of twenty-two, Marie Antoinette is visited by her older brother, Joseph II, sent by her
mother, Queen Marie-Thérèse, to talk to her brother-in-law and convince him to have his
phimosis operated on so that he can consummate his marriage to Antoinette. The second
purpose of his visit is to talk to his sister and call her attention to correct her imprudent behavior.
The visit bears fruit and, after a year, the queen gives birth to a daughter.

Three years after her firstborn, in 1781, her first son, the dolphin Louis Joseph, was born. Four
years later, her third son, Louis Charles, was born, and her last daughter was born in 1787,
Sophie Beatrice, who died of tuberculosis a year later of tuberculosis.

With maternity begins the first transformation of Maria An. tonieta, not yet the decisive one, but
a beginning of it. Pregnancy orders her to deprive herself for several months of her foolish
amusements; the delicate pleasure of playing with her children is soon more attractive to her
than the frivolous pleasures of the green carpet; her strong need for tenderness, until then
wasted in vain coquetry, has at last found its normal use. The road to self-consciousness opens
before her steps.

Even while showing her new position as a mother and providing heirs to the kingdom, the
rumors and criticisms of Antoinette's conduct do not cease. Her unpopularity continues due to
the constant favors and preferences towards her favorites. And also for her attitude before the
political decisions, from thoughtlessness and oblivious to the needs of her governed, when an
intelligent treatment of the bourgeoisie and the people was most needed, to safeguard the
monarchy, in a country that is tired of being ignored:

The Austrian group tries, without ceasing, to push her towards politics, but it is in vain, because
to reign or reign it would be necessary to read daily, in a constant way, papers and documents
during some hours; but the queen does not like to read. It would be necessary to listen to the
reports of the ministers and to reflect on them, and Marie Antoinette does not like to think.
Already just to listen means for her flighty spirit a severe strain.
"She hardly hears when anything is said to her," complains Ambassador Mercy in Vienna, "and
there is hardly ever a chance to discuss with her any serious and important matter or to draw
her attention to a momentous question. The thirst for pleasure exerts has mysterious power
over her.

Thus, little by little, after ten years of being in power, frustration and hatred begin to germinate,
resentful groups include the nobility and part of the bourgeoisie; pamphlets continue to circulate.
However, she feels immune, believing that she is in no danger, and maintains her proud and
contemptuous character in the face of the calumnies that are gaining more and more strength:
"Smiling and light, Marie Antoinette passes by the side of danger. Words are for her nothing
more than wisps in the wind. To awaken her, a storm must come."

One more scandal at court

Although her nightly strolls in Paris have ceased, she now devotes her free time to decoration.
She acquires a new palace and once again causes the annoyance of the people, earning her
the title of "Madame Déficit". Her taste for theater and the limelight make her want to participate
in a comedy about The Barber of Seville, which she plans to perform in the same theater of the
palace.

At that moment, she is asked to pay for a sumptuous diamond necklace that she has
supposedly ordered and that has been given to a presumed close friend of hers.

This deception will arouse in her the greatest indignation, for she believes that the person
responsible (in reality, as duped as she is) is the Cardinal Prince of Rohan-Guemenée, with
whom Maria Antonicta does not sympathize and whom she sends into exile.

Without investigating or considering the consequences of the scandal, it will be one more
example of her bad decisions, which will plunge the kings into collective disapproval, branded
as unjust and immoral.

Awakening in revolutionary times

Although the Parliament has unmasked the culprits of the affair of the necklace, the poisoned
seed has germinated. The scandal puts Marie Antoinette in the pillory.

The bourgeois society of France is awakening, the influence of Voltaire and Rousseau
questions the privileged lifestyle of the monarchy and the awareness of a new social vision
where the people and the State are no longer slaves of the kings and their whims is born. And
for the first time, exact figures of the financial situation are known:

millions of pounds in financial deficit.

Marie Antoinette begins to react, too late:

A crackling thunderbolt had to strike to startle Marie Antoinette out of her proud and indifferent
Laisser-aller. At this moment she is awake; now she begins to understand what that ill-advised
woman, deaf to all favorable warning in due time, has omitted from her obligations, and with the
nervous impetuosity that is proper to her, she hastens to amend, in a very visible manner, the
most irritating of her faults. With one stroke of the pen she immediately cuts short the costly
train of her life..... For the first time Marie Antoinette lives with her ear to the ground; for the first
time she does not obey the old power, the fashion of her world, but the new, public opinion."

She begins to experience fear of all that she has ignored, and is moved: "Marie Antoinette has
bitten the bitter apple of knowledge and loses her sleepwalker's security, for only he who is
unaware of danger is always without fear"." She decides to withdraw from frivolous
environments; she lives more peacefully in the company of her children, and she would like to
turn back time and make amends for her faults, her mistakes, but the people and the
bourgeoisie do not forget and let punishment for her indifference and contempt for all those
years.

The revolution catches up with the rising queen woman

In the prelude to the Revolution, tragedies do not cease. On June 4, 1789, her eldest son, the
dauphin Louis Joseph of France, died of tuberculosis; Marie Antoinette was devastated.
Although the spirits of the society are heating up, there is still in her and in the king an
innocence of what the people are capable of doing: "This will, rigid and unshakable of Marie
Antoinette before the Revolution, does not contain, however (at least at the beginning), the least
animosity against the people.... She considers the people le bon

peuples."

On July 14, 1789, the Bastille was taken, and the kings had no idea of the magnitude of what
was about to happen. Maria Antoniera's closest friends are fleeing Versailles, among them the
Duchess Yolande de Polinac, whom for years she protected, giving her and her relatives
important positions, for which she was harshly criticized; they are now fleeing in the midst of the
storm.

Ministers suggest to Marie Antoinette to leave the country, but she clings to remain at the king's
side, as mother of the dauphin.

Meanwhile, the enemies of the monarchy and the ambitious fed the rumors with pamphlets that
the queen was promiscuous, ho-mosexual, profligate and, in the end, a foreigner who had
turned the country upside down.

The sovereign never heeded those defamations because she did not know her people, she had
never left her comfort zone, her travels from palace to palace; she neither knew nor cared about
the country she reigned over.

On October 1789, a crowd, mostly women full of hatred and demands, burst into Versailles,
shouting offenses against Matia Antonicra.
Antonicra, manages to escape from the aggressions that reach the queen's quarters, and she
and her family leave.

The next day she and her family left for Paris, where they were insulted and threatened, and
managed to settle in the Tuileries Palace.

After a few months, during which they try to live a normal life in the Tuileries, the kings realize
that their lives are threatened and plan to go to a province where they are protected and from
where they can restore order.

The flight will be at night, but they are surprised and arrested. They enter the city in front of
crowds of people who are waiting for them with insults and threats. They are guarded and kept
prisoners in the palace.

Marie Antoinette has aged in these days of chaos and revolution, she is barely thirty-six years
old but she feels the full weight of her failures on her shoulders. She and her sovereign husband
have lost the power and the place they believed to be theirs forever.

Trying to find strength from weakness, she seeks support, writes letters to other monarchies,
which have left her alone. She writes a letter to Count Mercy-Argenteau, Austrian ambassador
in France, who was her advisor for more than twenty-five years until she left him to serve Marie-
Antoinette's brother, King Leopold:

I do not know what action to take nor what tone to adopt; everyone accuses me of simulation, of
falsehood, and no one can believe - with raTon - that my brother would take so little interest in
the dreadful situation of his sister as to commit himself without sewing, without saying anything.
Hatred and mistrust and insolence are the only things that are now nine in this country.

The royal family is moved to a fortress, after the palace has been sacked, while their fate is
debated. The kings are unaware that the enemies of the revolution are assassinated; among
them, dear friends. Marie Antoinette writes in those days: "In misfortune you discover your true
nature"," and promises not to be weak in the face of terror.

The royal family is about to be annihilated. First, King Louis XVI is taken to the guillotine. Then
the dauphin Louis Charles, the only living male child, is imprisoned and dies two years later of
malnutrition and tuberculosis in an isolation cell at the age of ten.

Marie Antoinette is transferred to a dungeon, not before saying goodbye to her daughter, whom
she leaves in the hands of a princess sister-in-law. After two months, she was brought to appear
and, despite her frail health and weariness, she showed herself whole before the accusations,
without denying anything she had done. She was locked up for a year and at each hearing she
defended herself, serene and precise.

Slanderers and false accusations parade. In one of these hearings, she exclaims:
"Yesterday I did not know the witnesses and I did not know what they were going to testify. Well,
no one has alleged anything positive about me. I will say, finally, that I was only the wife of Louis
XVI, and that I had to be content to acrue according to his will." When Maria Antonicta finally
hears her sentence and is condemned to capital punishment, she hardly flinches.'

On the eve of death, her last words, written to Princess Isabella, who is caring for her daughter
at the time and will never receive the letter, reflect her regret and deep sorrow:

I ask pardon of all those I know, and of you, Sister Inia, in particular, for all the sorrows I may
have unwittingly caused, I forgive all my enemies for the harm they have done me [...]

Farewell, my dear and tender sister; may this letter reach you: think always of me; I kiss you
with all my heart, as well as my poor dear children. My God, how heart-rending it is to leave
them forever! Farewell, farewell!

In the last moments of her already fragile life, still walking without forgetting her bearing, she
goes up, dignified, with a firm step. Already on the platform, she stumbles with her executioner:
"I ask you to excuse me, sir. I did not do it on purpose".

CHAPTER 10

A LITERARY EXAMPLE

Nora

From Henrik Ibsen's 'A Doll's House'.

BY MARINA GUTIÉRREZ REQUENA AND FERNANDO RAMOS

The most interesting thing about this character, prototypical of Ez conserva-tion, is the great
transformation that takes place in Nora as a result of the events. It shows here the healthy way
out for this type of personality, which almost always begins when some issue in relation to love,
its nuclear theme, is disturbed in an important way.

nuclear.

In this play Ibsen, beyond his skill for the psychological description of the characters, exposes,
through his protagonist

(Nora), his conviction that "our society is masculine and until she enters it, woman will not be
human".
After an excellent description of how Nora's abundant, cold and apparently happy life turns into
a suffocating cage, always threatened by the revelation of a lie, the last act opens the door to
change... The protagonist realizes that she has been living in function of others and that there is
no other way out but to summon the courage to take action and assert her personal
independence. After hitting rock bottom, she realizes that she can only rely on her ability to
determine her own existence, to fend for herself, to take care of herself and to abandon
everything, the whole role imposed on her by society, in order to be able to be herself.

This is how she expresses her realization in the end:

HALMER: To leave your home, your husband, your children... And don't you think about what
people will say? And you don't think about what people will say?

NORA: I can't think about those details. I just know that it's indispensable for me.

HELMER: Oh, it is odious! To betray the most sacred duties like that!

NORA: What do you call sacred duties?

HELMER: Do I have to tell you?

Aren't you obliged to your husband and your children?

your husband and your children?

NoRA: I have other duties equally sacred.

HELMER: You have none. What duties are those?

NORA: Duties to myself.

HELMER: You are first and foremost a wife and a mother.

NORA: I don't think so anymore. What I believe is that first of all I am a human being, me,
exactly like you.... Or, at any rate, that I must fight to be one. I know perfectly well that the
majority will agree with you, Torvald, and that one reads something like that in the books. But I
can no longer be content with what the majority says, nor with what is in the books. I must think
for myself and see things clearly.

Written in 1879, A Doll's House was the subject of great controversy at its premiere, due to its
unusual and scandalous ending. It was inconceivable for European spectators at the end of that
century, an advanced and bourgeois society, that a woman would abandon her home and her
marriage; and even more so if the motive was dissatisfaction and awareness of her reality.

Indeed, at that time it was not at all common, but even today we are still burdened with ideas
generated in a patriarchal society that orders us how a woman should be in marriage...and in
the world. For this reason, Nora becomes the most fully feminine and modern woman of all
those who have endured successfully in the literary canon of the nineteenth century.

Throughout the play, Nora suffers from the possibility that she might be found to have forged a
signature in order to borrow money for a trip to save her husband's life.

She has to deal with characters who seek only their own satisfaction even at the expense of the
other. Nora is the only one who acts "thinking of others", of her husband, of Mrs. Linde, of Dr.
Rank..., seeking the reward of recognition, but never taking care of herself.

By the time the forgery problem fades away, things have gone too far. Nora experiences a
reality check and has undergone a catharsis that allows her to make the final decision with no
turning back. The happiness she thought she possessed (husband, house, children and her
whims) are nothing more than a mirage and so she leaves. She does not run away, she leaves
assuming the consequences:

She begins to be an adult individual; she takes responsibility for herself without resorting to
mani-pulations. She renounces everything that ended up becoming a false dream as a child and
discovers the value of authenticity.

The fact that she does not want to see her children before leaving, which caused astonishment
at the time, indicates that her decision is unequivocal, irreversible. She will no longer be
entangled in emotional pressure.

Her eyes have been opened and she begins to be aware of her dissatisfaction and that she is
the one who has to change the circumstances.

In this way she becomes one of the free heroines of literature and, in a certain way, a standard-
bearer of feminism.

Losen opened the doors here to reflections on the emancipation of women and the attainment
of their rights, and put in the voice of her protagonist the struggle against violence,
objectification and the psychological mistreatment of women.

In Nora one can observe dependence, immaturity, childishness and the conscious and cunning
use of one's own charms:

manipulation and seduction. There is a need to be the center of attention and, through these
weapons, she manages to have everyone at her disposal. She is bright, charming, with a sense
of humor and seduces from a young age.

She is the princess of the household, who participates in the solution of the problems of the
house, but according to her own logic.
She has a profligate and generous condition in the face of others, that is, she maintains the idea
of overabundance. He secretly indulges in small whims and may overindulge in food, especially
in sweets. He breaks all the rules from the "I want", giving supremacy to his subjective idea of
justice in the name of Love.

She assumes and plays to perfection her role as a child, as a doll in need of protection and
tutelage; first paternal, then conjugal (one could say that her maxim is: "I am pampered,
therefore I am").

The condition of capricious doll subtly installs her in the field of irrationality or, at least,
histrionics. As soon as she is pressured and blackmailed by Krogstad, she cannot understand
that the rest of the world is not governed by the same values as she is, and that she is she
shelters in the fantasy that a miracle will happen. The miracle would be that her husband acts
the way she thinks he should act.

When her world falls apart, Nora does not end up committing suicide or anything of the sort, but
rather, with great courage, she slams the door and chooses to take control of her life. If her
wishes are not fulfilled, if the miracle she hopes for does not come true, she can become
implacable and cold; she no longer loves her husband, for whom she would have given
everything, she considers him a stranger.

However, this crisis, this collapse of her world, gives her the opportunity to open her eyes and
come face to face with reality, with what she is. His greatest misfortune is also his greatest
hope, because he can recognize his shortcomings and take control of his life. Loneliness will be
an essential refuge to find herself again, with her condition as a human being (like any other)
and to mature:

"What preparation do I have to educate children? It is a task beyond my strength. There is

another that I must take care of first. I must try to educate myself. You are not capable of
helping me in this task.

For that I need to be alone. And for that reason I am going to leave you.

Below are several examples of texts from this play, which illustrate the different particularities of
this sub-role."

Specialists in Love

The good girl, affectionate and capricious. In her physical appearance she looks younger than
she is, her features and her character are childish, she has a special talent for living with
children. Very attached to the family, she can even get sick for others. She shows resistance to
to become an adult, to keep the privilege of remaining a child, with the idea that life should offer
her quick, effortless results. Cheerful, humorous, mischievous, charming.

HEIMER: Has my squirrel been here long?

NoRA: Just now. (She puts the almond cone in the Ilo-bowl and wipes her mouth.) Come here,
look what I bought! [1]

MRS. LINDE: You are very good to take such an interest in me, Nora.

Doubly good, for you don't know the sorrows and bitterness of life.

NORA: Me?... What don't I know ....?

MRS. LINDE (smiling): Yes, woman... I embroider a little bit and things like that....

and things like that... You're a child, Nora.

NoRA (with a gesture of hurt pride): You shouldn't have said it in that tone of superiority.

MRS. LINDE: Why?

NORA: You're the same as the dernás. You're all convinced that I'm not worth anything
serious....[1]

Ana María enters the living room with the children, followed by Nora, who closes the door.

NoRA: What lively, fresh faces you have! What rosy cheeks! They look like apples and roses.
(All the children talk at the same time until the end of the scene.) Did you have a lot of fun?

Very good. Come on! What did you do when you pulled Emmy and Bob out of the carriage? Is it
possible? Both of them! Ah! You're a valienic, Ivan. Oh! Leave her for a moment, Ana Maria...
Munequia (She takes the younger girl in her arms and dances with her.) Yes, yes, mommy is
going to dance with Bob too. What? Did you make snowballs? Oh, what I would have given to
be with you!

No, let me, Ana Maria. I'm going to undress them. Let me, woman.

It's so much fun! Get in there, meanwhile. You look cold.

There's hot coffee for you in the kitchen. (Ana Maria leaves through the door on the left. Nora
strips the children of their coats and hats, which she leaves scattered around. The children
continue talking) Impossible! She ran after a big dog? But it didn't bite. No, dogs don't bite
precious little muffins like you. Hey! Ivan, be careful not to bite the packages! No, no, they have
horrible things inside. What? Do you want to play? Let Bob hide first. Me?

Well, me!

Nora and the children start playing, shouting and laughing. Finally Nora hides under the table.
The children come running, and look for her without being able to find her; but they hear her
muffled laughter, rush to the table, lift up the rug, and discover her. Shouts of Joy. Nora comes
out on all fours, as if to frighten them...'
Flattering and manipulative

They get what they want without having to ask for it from an internal feeling of deservedness,
that they have to be given what they want, as, in the advertising slogan, "because I am worth it".
It is not about the satisfaction of primary needs, because they are not in contact with them, but
about what they crave as necessary; hence the idea of caprice.

HEMER: Agreed. But now tell me, manirrota: Have you wished for something for yourself?

NORA: For me? What does it matter! I don't want anything.

HEMER Of course not! Come on, tell me something you want, something reasonable.

NORA: I don't know... frankly. Although if...

HEIMER: What?

NORA: Fiddling with the buttons of her husband's jacket, without looking at him.): If you insist on
giving me something, you could... you could...

HELMER: Go on, say it.

NoRA (with a jerk). You could give me money, Torvaldo. Nothing, whatever you want, and one
of these days I'll buy something."

[.]

NORA: You know, Helmer? Cristina understands quite a lot about office work and now she is
very interested in putting herself under the orders of a competent man, in order to acquire more
knowledge?

HeIMER: I think that's very wise, ma'am.

NORA: When she found out that you had been appointed director of the bank... A telegram
arrived, you understand.... He rushed to come here, didn't he, Torvaldo, that you will do
something for Cristina to please me? Huh?7

Subjectivity that is present in an overwhelming way.

It is difficult for them to respect limits and they are invasive, at a corporal level, in conversations
and in their attitude. They are easily intimate, even if the other person does not want them to be.
They need to feel needed and are interested in the affairs of others, but find it difficult to really
listen. As a rigid character, it is difficult for them to be genuinely devoted.

NoRA (looking at Cristina, incredulous): But Cristina, how is it possible?

MRS LINDE (smiling sadly while stroking her hair): These are things that happen sometimes,
Nora.

NoRA: So lonely! It must be horribly sad for you. I have three lovely children. You can't see
them at the moment; they've gone out with the nanny. Come on, tell me all about it.

MRS. LINDE: No, no; you go first.

NORA: No; it's your turn to start. I don't want to be selfish today; I just want to think about your
business. I'm only going to tell you one thing.

Have you heard about the fortune that has befallen us these days?

MRS LINDE: No. What is it?

NORA: Imagine! My husband has been appointed director of the Stock Bank!

stock bank!

MRS LINDE: Your husband? How lucky!?

They claim preferential treatment

They expect the best reward in return for the sacrifices they have made. They are over-
protective. Behind their altruistic facade they hide their refusal to give up anything. They give all
the love and attention they need, because their overvalued self-image prevents them from
recognizing their shortcomings and asking for what they need.

MRS LINDE: Listen, Nora, haven't you acted thoughtlessly?

NoRA (standing up): It is thoughtless to save your husband's life?

MRS LINDE: What I consider thoughtless is to do it without him knowing...

knew about it...

NoRA: But if what mattered was that he didn't know anything. Let's go!

Don't you understand? He was not supposed to know the seriousness of his state. It was to me
that the doctors came, telling me that his life was in danger, and that only a stay in the Midi
could save him. Don't think that at first I did not try to speak diplomatically to him! I made her
see how delightful it would be for me to travel abroad, no more and no less than so many other
women. With pleading and weeping, I told him that he had to take into account the
circumstances in which I found myself, that I had to be understanding and give in..... It was then
that I hinted that I could ask for a loan. But when she heard me she almost got angry, Cristina.
He replied that I was foolish, and that his duty as a husband dictated that he should not submit
to my "whims," as he called them. "Well, well," I thought; "anyway, you must be saved. And in
the end, I looked for another way out...."

Not so sober

Within Enneatype 2, she is the counter-passionate one: the one who needs the most from
others, in whom she ends up awakening an attraction that forces everyone to protect and
nurture her at all times. This dependence means that she is not so much in need of herself.

DocTOR RANK: Is it wrong to have loved her more than anyone else?

NORA: No, but to have told me. There was no need...

DocToR RANK: What are you insinuating'... Did you know? (The maid enters with the lamp,
leaves it on the table and goes out.) Nora, sehora, let me ask you if you knew.

NORA: I don't know whether you knew or not... I can't tell you... How could you be so clumsy,
doctor? When everything was going so well!

DOCTOR RANK: Anyway, at least, at present you have the assurance that I am at your
disposal in body and soul.

NORA (to Ms. Linde): What:

MRS. LINDE: He's gone to the country.

NORA: I guessed it on your face.

MRS. LINDE: Come back tomorrow night; I've put some lines in for you.

NORA: It would have been better if you had not. There's nothing to avoid.

Deep down, it's a real joy to be waiting for something wonderful.

MRS. LINDE: What are you waiting for?

NORA: Oh! You can't understand. Go with them. I'll be right there."

Seductresses...

Play the game of seduction, but take no risks, sow pro-mesas, "charm" people. The EzC uses
his sensuality and sexuality, but does not take charge of it.... "It is to weave the cloth and let the
flies come" (in a more sordid language, it would correspond to the stereotype of "cock-warmer").
He can be unfaithful in love and in general, when he has achieved his purpose and has it
secure, he is able to change to something else.
NoRA: And to top it all off, those quantities of port and champagne.... It's a pity that all those
good things hurt the spine.

DOCTOR RANK: Especially when they hurt a spine that never enjoyed them.

NORA: Indeed, that's the saddest thing.

DocToR RANK (staring at her): Eh?...

NORA (after a pause): Why are you smiling?

DOCTOR RANK: No, you're the one who smiled.

NORA: No, it was you, doctor.

DOCTOR RANK (getting up): I find you more of a joker than I suspected.

NORA: It's just that I'm willing to do crazy things today.

DOCTOR RANK: So it seems.

NoRA (placing her hands on his females): Dear doctor, I do not agree that you should die,
abandoning Torvaldo and me.

Torvaldo and me.

DOCTOR RANK: It is an absence that you will forget without delay.

The film tells the story of Queen Victoria I of England, presenting her childhood as unhappy, and
focusing on her coronation and the first years of her reign, until the birth of her firstborn, with a
special interest towards the moment when, in 1837, at the age of seventeen, she becomes the
center of a power struggle, when her uncle William, the king, is about to die without
descendants. Victoria, removed from the court by her mother's will, and relying on the sole
support of her governess, realizes that she has become the first in line to the throne.

The future queen was born in London on May 24, 1819, the daughter of Prince Edward, in turn
son of King George. Victoria lost her father when she was only eight months old and grew up
under the protection of her mother and her butler (and probable lover) Sir John Conroy, far from
the royal family. In that period she already meets Prince Albert, who at first only seeks to please
his uncle, King Leopold of Belgium, who wants to marry Victoria. But Albert will eventually fall in
love with her, which will be decisive for the queen's personal development.

When she was born, Victoria's chances of becoming queen were slim, but after a few years,
due to a succession of premature deaths and marriages in crisis that did not produce heirs, she
found herself first in line to become queen.
succession. However, the little princess soon discovers the price of privilege, for she will be
deprived of her ability to decide and many people will approach her only out of interest.

Some people are born luckier than others. So it was in my case, although as a child I was
convinced otherwise. What child doesn't dream of being able to live like a princess: But some
buildings are not what you imagine them to be; even a palace can be a prison.

Mom never explained to me why anyone had to try ini comi-da, why I couldn't attend school with
other children or read popular books.

When my father died, Mother and her advisor, Sir John Conroy, laid down rules. He said they
were for my protection and called it the "Kensington system." I couldn't sleep in the bedroom
without Mom, nor could I go downstairs without holding an adult's hand. I came to know the
reason for all this when I was eleven years old. My uncle William was the king of England;
however, he and his brothers had only one living descendant: it was me.

The first scenes of the film tell of a very lonely girl, forced to live in a glass bell, hyper-removed
from the outside world, and who was immediately imposed a rigid education in view of her future
as a queen. A "good girl", in short, docile and whose feelings were constantly repressed, who
accepted her fate.

Isolation, the weight of the responsibilities placed on her by adults, and the suppression of her
own needs for support in developing a sense of personal worth are typical of Ez conservation's
childhood. The turning point, which allows the character to emerge more visibly, is for Victoria
the discovery that she is the heir to the throne. It is, however, a painful revelation that makes her
reconsider the reasons for all the attentions, restrictions and deprivations to which she is
subjected, and which allows her to resist the character's typical character traits of duty and
defiance, as a form of revenge.

absence of a father figure, loneliness and the sense of "betrayal" she feels towards her mother,
lead Victoria to take refuge in consoling fantasies in which she can reconstruct an image of
herself as grandiose, stronger and, finally, free.

"Then I began to dream of the day when my life would change, the day when I would know
freedom...and I prayed for the strength to embrace my destiny." In this passage of the film,
images of Victoria on the day of her coronation are superimposed with some moments from her
childhood, in bed, in which she says to herself, "I'm going to be

Prematurely involved in intrigues of power far greater than herself, and in spite of herself,
Victoria becomes the pivot around which all the interests and ambitions of those close to her
begin to revolve. Her mother and Sir Conroy hope that the king will die before she comes of
age, which would allow them to exercise a regency through which they would rule in her stead.

Leopold, the king of Belgium, plans a marriage of convenience with a member of his family,
Albert of Saxe-Coburg. And even the English king is thinking of marrying her to his nephew.
VICTORIA: Have you ever felt like a pawn? In a game you don't want to play?

you don't want to play?

ALBERTO: And you?

VICTORIA: I constantly see them coming up to make the next move.

VICTORIA: I constantly see them approaching to make the next move.

ALBERTO: The Duchess and Sir John?

VICTORIA: Not only them. Uncle Leopold, the king and half the politicians are ready to grab my
skirts and drag me from square to square.

She is indeed the center of attention, but only in view of the role to which she is predestined.
Her privileged position goes hand in hand with a personal devaluation: It doesn't matter who she
is or what she does, she is the center of attention.

The construction of her character is thus the response to this internal short-circuit, in which the
person builds a self-confidence that compensates for her perceived lack of value.

The adolescent Victoria perfectly embodies this self-congratulatory character. She appears
arrogant, indifferent and very self-confident. She allows herself to express her suffering only if
she is protected from prying eyes, and stubbornly endures the pressures and humiliations of her
mother and Sir John, which, as her eighteenth birthday approaches, become more explicit and
violent. But the moment of her redemption becomes ever closer and more concrete.

SIR JOHN: You're too young! You're inexperienced! A porcelain doll on the edge of a cliff!

VICTORIA: Then I'll have to shatter, because it's too late to correct me now.

VICTORIA: Then I'll have to shatter myself, because it's too late to correct me now.

SIR JOHN: Here's what you'll do: First you will refuse your money and demand that it be given
to your mother; second: you will appoint me as your personal secretary at once and I will
become a co-regen- tant with the duchess until your twenty-fifth birthday. Neither she nor I will
accept less!

VICTORIA: Do what you will with the money. (And turning to the mother) If you think I can forget
your silence and your inertia while he has mistreated me, you are deceiving yourself.

On the night of June 18, 1837, King William dies and Victoria, already an adult for a little less
than a month, becomes queen.

Having escaped the possibility of being subjected to a regency, she immediately freed herself
from the rigid rules that had been imposed on her and immediately redefined the roles of power
in the royal household. She made her first official speech to the Crown's advisors, deeply
concerned about the impression she might give of herself emerges her seductive side: "I am
young, but I am willing to learn;

I intend to dedicate my life to the service of my nation and my people. I ask for your help in this,
and I am sure you will not disappoint me. Thank you."

Victoria chooses to appear fragile but generous and willing. Hers is a childlike seduction, which
makes her adorable and keeps her safe from possible attacks. Flattery to those present, to
whom she acknowledges qualities she claims not to possess, is aimed at conquest rather than a
genuine request for help. The manipulation aimed at offering an appreciable self-image hides
the ignorance, typical of this character, of one's own state of need and one's own shortcomings.
Victoria gives orders, strong in her role as queen, but does not know how to ask for help.

The first period of her reign is for her like living in the fairy tale she always dreamed of.

Between trips and receptions, she manages to arouse everyone's interest, she becomes the
center of attention and, finally, she gets to savor the freedom she longed for and make of her
time what she wishes. Thus, the queen becomes totally focused on herself and what her new
position means in terms of personal benefits. She surrounds herself with ladies who never leave
her alone and orders the guards to keep her mother and Sir Conroy at a distance. But the
throne entails many problems to solve and a great deal of social and economic trouble. Her
ascension to the kingship brings with it many criticisms, such as that she is too young and
inexperienced to rule.

Feeling insecure, Victoria places her trust in Lord Melbourne, the Prime Minister

Melbourne, the prime minister, who soon wins the confidence of the young queen. Soon, the
monarch appoints him as her personal secretary, and he shows himself ready to support,
protect and advise her in any matter. It is as if the father who had abandoned her when he died
had finally returned. Lord Melbourne is loving, sympathetic and able to guide her in a world
unknown to her. Thus, as she falls in love with the security he gives her, He will allow himself to
be influenced to the point of losing control over his decisions, as Lord Melbourne has his own
political interests and wishes to manipulate Victoria to achieve his goals and ambitions.

The Ez conservation is a dependent character, he is not autonomous in his decisions and

approaches one or more persons of reference to avoid the danger of loneliness or having to
decide alone. Victoria fantasizes about her freedom but cannot sustain it. Now, having someone
to free her from the responsibilities of her role she even considers it a right, so she cannot bear
anyone criticizing her for depending on Lord Melbournc.

She cannot acknowledge that she needs him and that her stubborn posturing is nothing more
than ostentatious vain shows of strength, and attempts to prove her feigned independence.
"You are confusing stubbornness with strength," her aunt tells her precisely when, despite
knowing she is wrong, Victoria stubbornly continues to support her advisor.
When Lord Melbourne's political decisions turn her against all public opinion, she will end up
being forced to look for a replacement. Until then, Victoria had not considered the possibility of
taking a husband. Probably, she lacked the protection of a father more than that of a lover. And
she imagines that marriage will only be a limitation to her freedom.

But finding herself alone again, she will come to accept Prince Albert as her husband, and will
also fall in love with him, especially after the attack of what the film presents as "a rebel-den,
from which she is saved by Albert.

Victoria and Albert had been in contact since their first meeting years before and wrote
affectionate letters to each other. They felt strongly attracted to each other and shared the same
painful past, as well as the same passion for the arts and the desire to be useful to the
underprivileged.

Alberto wins Victoria over by immediately admitting that his The union had been very much
desired by the king of Belgium and that he had been trained to become the queen's consort, but
also that all he really wanted was to be useful and to be at her side.

It will thus be a romantic and passionate, if turbulent, union: Albert cannot bear her
subordination and Victoria, for her part, fears losing her place of honor as the center of attention
in the society of the time. It is not unusual for this type of character to have an unequal parcja. A
partner who, in comparison, confirms his image of superiority and exceptionality day after day.
Victoria leads a nation while Albert is the "poor" cousin, whose only job is to be the queen's
consort.

One scene in the film portrays a fight between the two, in which Victoria's fury is evident at the
impossibility of recognizing her role. That is, when she is not recognized for how important she
feels, regardless of what she does. It is also curious that she reproaches Alberto for treating her
like a child, behaving, at the same time, like a spoiled child who cannot accept that things do not
go her way.

VICTORIA: How dare you look at me like that in front of them? How dare you take my word
away from me as if I were a child?

ALBERTO: I haven't done anything like that.

VICTORIA: Oh no? You've already made arrangements, you've already arranged everything.

Sir Robert and you, the duke and you; all without consulting me.

ALBERTO: Victoria, I thought it would please you.

VICTORIA: I know what you thought. You thought I was a woman, one to persuade and then set
aside c ignore.

ALBERTO: If it were that simple, we'd be spared other scandals of your creation.
VICTORIA: But have you gone mad?

ALBERTO: What are you surprised about? You've been on the throne for less than three years,
and you and your precious lord Melbourne have brought this monarchy to the brink of the abyss.

VICTORIA: I told you and I repeat it once again: here you are only my husband; you are nothing
else!

ALBERTO: And that's more than enough, rest assured!

VICTORIA: I will not allow you to usurp my role! I wear the crown' And if there are mistakes,
they will be my mistakes and no one else will make them, and I will make them less than
anyone else!

ALBERTO: I'm leaving. Your exaltation could harm the child.

VICTORIA: You'll leave when I say goodbye!

(Alberto walks away.)

VICTORIA: I am your queen and I tell you to stay!

ALBERTO: Good night, Victoria.

VICTORIA: You can't leave! You can't leave! I command you to stay in this room, Alberto!

For the king consort, Victoria is first and foremost his wife, and only then the queen of England.
He is the only one who believes in her courage, who encourages her to take initiatives
independently, trusting her instincts. Not succumbing to the temptation to indulge her whims will
be exactly what will save their marriage. And not only that.

Victoria is so impressed by acting like a queen that she never really understands to what extent
her choices and actions can have concrete consequences on the political balance of her
kingdom and on her life.

However, she is fortunate to find a companion, an ally who, by treating her as an equal, but
above all as an adult, allows her, at least occasionally, to step down from her pedestal and
recognize that she needs help.

This has profound consequences both in the film and in the lime story. Victoria enjoyed a long
reign, lasting sixty-four years, that marked the history of England and Europe for much of the
nineteenth century.

Her "empowerment" as a woman made her a national icon, a pivotal figure in the history of
England and Europe for much of the 19th century her as a national icon, reign as the "Victorian
era," which also represented the height of the Industrial Revolution and the maximum expansion
and power of the British Empire in the world."
In a symbolic final scene, Victoria has Albert's desk brought from Germany and placed in front
of hers.

VICTORIA: I had your desk brought in. I hope you don't mind.

ALBERTO: May I give my opinion about it?

VICTORIA (hugs him, joking about his obstinacy, and confidently): No!

2A): No!

12

BY ANA ESCODA, CATI PRECIADO AND ROSA MEDINA

Transformation' comes from the Latin transformare, which means 'to change form'. The
transforming conversion of character, as described by Dr. Naranjo, is that passion is put at the
service of life, of the Self. This process seems to happen when the holy war against the ego
accumulates enough battles, truces, dialogues and integrations that it becomes a resource for
living without self-deceptions, or as few as possible.

The conservation subtype z does not find it interesting in general to mobilize itself to work
inwardly, since it is always looking for comfort and with a discourse where hostility is outside
itself, that is, in others. It is therefore somewhat difficult for there to be a hunger for
transformation or any change in the way of life, beyond moving from the uncomfortable to a less
uncomfortable and adverse situation.

Perhaps that is why it is sometimes mistaken for an E4 or an Eg, as it endures circumstances

that from the outside seem masochistic or of devaluation, but this Ez does not register the
suffering, the submission or the fury that is being kept and that remains latent with a great
repression and denial.

The privileged position that the Two preservation lives in masks very well the cons of its
relational condition. Privileges are like the candy we give to children to calm their hunger,
irritability and the lack of autonomy they wish to experience.

When this character wants to transform and sets out to do so, it has to burn its ships, to
renounce its former life. It is not a matter of a mere change, but of leaving behind the inner
structure that has sustained infantilism: the modes of relationship and alienation that have kept
the bubble of the ideal world intact.

In a process of transformation there is a deconstruction, necessary to gradually dismantle the

forms, behaviors, communication, beliefs, feelings and all the dynamics of interaction, in order
to be able to make a reconstruction in favor of life. This process will be able to go through, with
fears and resistances that emerge continuously. And it is not about destroying the ego, but to
give it the place where it is needed, not the place of master and lord.
The process requires a lot of courage, tolerance and patience, and leaving the comfort zone.
You may see your affective relationship with your family, your partner, your job, everything that
gives you security and privileges, threatened.

The first aspect that can be noticed is that from the ego Two conservation costs a lot to build
something. Above all, to build the adult, to build a more or less normal life, similar to that of the
rest of humans. This difficulty to build affects all types of relationships, from friendships to work,
family and love relationships. It affects the total development of a profession or even
motherhood.

It has the sensation of being like a butterfly that lands from flower to flower, without a clear
direction or leaving a mark, passing superficially, without a great commitment, without
accumulating a great experience.

A first step in the therapeutic process is to become aware of his false image, because this
character is convinced that he is very spontaneous. It has to do with his neurotic need to be
loved and accepted by everyone, his intolerance to criticism and his interpretation of limits as a
defect and humiliation.

It will be important for him to rescue the true nature of the child and, at the same time, to learn
that, as a child, he was exploited and how much his place of privilege cost him.

It will not be easy because, faced with his own woundedness, he will have the impulse to
escape in order to maintain his idealized vision of himself. Faced with the reality of not being
indispensable and, above all, realizing the ridiculousness of his childishness, he may withdraw
and close himself in his small and familiar world of relationships, or turn the suffering into
physical symptoms.

The therapist will have to convey a sincere empathy for the exploited child, and set limits for the
tyrant child, always keeping the two sides in balance.

The Two-preservation will try to seduce him by showing himself needy, hurt and unable to move
forward. It is not easy to sustain so much childhood suffering, so it will be necessary to be very
alert to have open arms and to set firm limits to the whims.

Reality

Appreciating reality and trying to live with awareness of it allows us to get closer to other people
and gives a motivation to listen. If we truly listen, we become more aware of the suffering of
others and this character is oriented towards pleasure; pain does not know how to either close it
or sustain it. Pain is part of life, part of the other person's life. Running away from pain means
disconnecting from the whole rich emotional world, and wanting to capture it with a positive
excess only nourishes infantile magical fantasies and the fear of being flattered.

Because being an adult for the Two-preservation means having no one to take care of their
wounds.
This is a very difficult step, which often requires therapeutic accompaniment in order to recover
or perhaps build again the experience of the child who, step by step, learns under the guidance
of the adult to face the risks of living.

Depending on the level of disconnection and fragility, it is up to therapy to accompany these

patients to trust in the therapeutic love relationship so that they can sustain a realistic and
constructive vision of their limits, until the ego can also sustain a more direct and forceful
confrontation. On the part of the therapist, constant attention is required to allow oneself to be
touched by the gentleness of the patient's child without allowing oneself to be manipulated, and
a great clarity of the boundary between sexuality and affection.

Reflect

It is fundamental for the Ez conservation to go to the bottom of the cognitive part of the
character: to pay attention to how emotions are sustained by crazy ideas, irrational convictions.
This means becoming aware of how one is driven by a chaotic feeling, which one has as the
only truth, and how the emotions push the acting out by not giving oneself time to either feel
deeply or to process what is happening to them and give it a broader meaning. You have to give
yourself time to recognize the crazy idea behind the experience and begin to see it as subjective
truth.

It is important to give yourself time to reflect. This is linked to the ability to contain anxiety, pay
attention to thoughts, and sometimes avoid the impulse of those rigid thoughts and open up to
something new.

Although for this trait discipline is very difficult, it helps this process of reflecting and holding
back anxiety to practice the meditation, which could be organized in a gradual way in order to
get into the experience of doing nothing and stopping the mind, as Claudio Naranjo transmitted
in the SAT programs.

Seeing, listening, caring

The Ez conservationist has to realize that one of his skills is to bring joy to others, but that this is
not only to have a few laughs, but to see them, listen to them and take care of them.

Paying attention to what they tell him and what happens to others allows him to avoid frequent
interpretations and to develop a genuine empathy, for the good of the other rather than to create
dependence. It allows, above all, to take a more peripheral position in relationships and to learn
to give oneself limits, thus transforming the crazy idea that if someone puts limits on you it
means that he does not love you. It is about opening oneself to love without being so attached
to being loved.

And also, paying attention to all the times you use seduction to get affection or admiration. If
seduction returns to its authentic nature, a way of finding intimate and erotic pleasure with the
other, there is hope that you will regain deeper enjoyment and sexual freedom.
Equanimity

He needs to realize that he has good things and bad things, just like everyone else, and that if
he tries to cover up the bad things so that only the good things are seen, he cannot know what
he truly is. And to recognize that learning, at all levels, is a whole journey, to silence the ideal of
the self, which only wants to be in the most recognized place.

It is about seeing oneself realistically in one's defects and talents and, at the same time,
developing resilience to frustrations and to the failures. Obviously, this entails giving up the
childish view of oneself and appreciating adult life as a place of inner power and not dependent
on external recognition.

Order and chaos

He must understand that chaos leads to misery. It can only be built by following order. And
order is not boring; it is a virgin space to create. It is very important to understand this, because
you have lived a chaotic life, internally, with the belief that this chaos was different, fun,
spontaneous; that it did not follow the canons of normality.

When I created a family, I realized that this chaos is incompatible with the life of a couple and a
family. Trying to change this has to do with not letting myself be seduced by comfort and self-
complacency, and with introducing order and some discipline in my daily life.

ANA ESCODA

Here is another testimony:

One practice that often softens this old wound is to recognize my stature in the face of the
dimension of the cosmos, through the exercise of gratitude.

To recognize life as an opportunity and not as a condemnation.

To rebuild what Claudio has called devotional love, distorted from the beginning by an
opposition to the flows of life and rivalry with any authority that imposes a will superior to mine. I
am practicing admiration for people who can give me an example of this quality of love, and who
are able to feel small in the face of great abstract ideas; not as those who bargain or seek to
control, but as those who accept and recognize their superiority with the serenity and
confidence that life can be more than a vale of tears. Prayer, certainly, can be very helpful. Also
meditation.

FENNANDO RAMOS

In this description we can see how the recognition of one's own capabilities, placing oneself in
the "stature" that one has, in combination with the practice of admiring love, helps the Ez
conservation to build confidence. That is, doing "as if" to be humble (the virtue corresponding to
Pride). It seems said and done.
However, it is a difficult experience for someone who has survived by putting himself superior to
everything and everyone.

Recognizing arrogance and its roots, extended to the whole system of Ez conservation, is
therefore not a punctual work but a continuous one, for life, in a process that evolves.

At the beginning, the most important thing is to discover oneself mercilessly in the traps and
tricks of this character. To recognize oneself in the caprice, in the lack of protection, in the
pretension of privilege, in the victimhood as a strategy to be seen as a good person, in the ways
in which he makes others guilty of what happens to him, in the search to obtain without effort,
and to be admired and recognized without earning it, in the egoistic trap of looking out for
oneself and for one's own benefit by dressing oneself with a false goodness, etc.

By dint of seeing themselves in these ego traps, they lose strength and fall. They stop believing
them. The traps reappear many times, as in an automatic mechanism, but each time they are
more visible, ridiculous and senseless. In the face of them, smiling and leaving them alone is
also a good measure. Not to give them importance, to stop following them.

And in this stop following and fighting with them, a creative search for other more virtuous
answers arises, which have to do with giving what we can honestly give, asking for what we
need, recognizing our own values and talents in a fair measure in order to put them at the
service, without putting ourselves above or below them. And from there, to be grateful for all the
gifts that life offers, in every detail, experience, person... and to enter into a deep connection
with the divine that manifests itself in the Whole of which we are a part.

At this point in the evolutionary journey, the Ez conservation becomes more and more
connected with one's essential being, which responds to the high frequency vibration of great
freedom. One "Is" without the need to do anything extraordinary, like a little bird that sings and
flies freely, and Being what it is, in its simplicity it cheers and brings selfless joy to its
surroundings, without any pretense.

This flying can lead him to service to others, to a loving and free service that does not seek to
be reciprocated. He does not wait for a return, for change. He can give without further ado, in
whatever is needed. In his inner being, he feels free and this brings him a deep joy that he longs
to share with others.

This process of awareness also allows him to stop resorting to victimization as a strategy that
would seem to be opposed to superiority, but which is his polarity: to be "neither above nor
below".

Part of the transformation is to go through the inner wretchedness concealed by your false love,
your false abundance, your apparent availability. When speaking of humility, Naranjo always
recommends not to confuse it with humiliation. It is not a matter of feeling humble, but of
recognizing oneself as one more, and knowing how to recognize the value and power of others.
For this step it is very important to recover the childhood experiences of humiliation.
This recognition is very difficult because the character Two has responded to humiliation with
egoic pride, which it puts at the service of not suffering. In the therapeutic process, it is useful to
support the healthy pride of the child and to reduce the capricious pride of the child who wants
to be powerful. It is essential to learn to discern between dignity and grandiose pride.

Two things have helped me in working with the ego: being a mother and practicing yoga. Being
a mother has been a very strong jolt. It has taught me to love, to be for another person above
myself and my own egoic needs. I have had to let go of my ambitions and whims. Transform my
life in a more responsible way. To make food, to keep the spaces in the house clean; cleaning
habits. Pleasure has changed. It is no longer the whim of doing what I want at the time I want;
now, the pleasure of being for my daughter, listening to her and seeing her fills my soul. It is
very fuere to see how she reproduces my habits and ways of acting and thinking.

It is a mirror that makes me feel the need to transform them. A habit like easy anger is being
transformed into patience. It has always been difficult for me when people do not act at the pace
I want them to, and she has been my teacher.

Yoga has helped me to work on patience and being for others, to be fascinated with the power
of slowness. It has also helped me to go through situations that easily cause me anxiety or
stress, with posture and breathing.

I have had to think about the future. In things like having a house and a stable life project. As an
artist, I have always privileged pleasure; and it had worked for me, until my daughter arrived.
Now I have to build economic independence. And the knowledge I have, to capitalize on it.

I have wanted to separate from my partner since the first year, and I have had to work to keep
us together out of love for my daughter. The presence of both of us is very important to her.

I have gotten into financial and other problems because of my need to help out, and this has
affected my daughter in the end. I am finally starting to see that people don't need what I think
they need.

I begin to think and feel that people do what they can with their lives.

FRIDA ISLAS SUAREZ

Conservation in the service of life helps this character learn to preserve. In aspects as concrete
as economic sustenance, taking care of one's own health or taking care of another.

The process of transformation includes cheating the ego. When you undertake a relationship, a
project, being alone in front of yourself requires more skills, and there are more challenges that
give you the opportunity to commit to go further. It is important that this is part of the
psychotherapeutic strategy of the person accompanying the process, as in this way the patient
will be able to take risks to follow the path of self-knowledge.

Here is a testimony:
When I was beginning my psychotherapeutic process, at a time of great need and vulnerability, I
felt very helped by a woman therapist who lived two hours away from my city. I would make the
trip every two weeks by bus. The first session I spent most of the time crying; I just cried without
knowing what was wrong with me, she patiently accompanied me and told me to take as much
time as I needed. I spent more than a year going back and forth. I didn't realize until years later
that the whole process of going to therapy with her required me to make an effort, a discipline,
to dare to go by myself, to be able to see for myself.

CATI PRECIADO

The everyday, ordinary world, and learning to live there: that is the heroic, the extraordinary.
Being "normal", having defects, not being exceptional is the most difficult transformation path for
a personality full of paraphernalia in order to be the favorite child or the most charming little girl
in the house.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

THE MELODY OF THE HEART by FERNANDO RAMOS

Birth, childhood

I was born in São Paulo (Brazil) in 1968; today I am fifty-one years old. However, I still have a
youthful face and a very acceptable physical constitution. It is said that Ez conservation is an in-
child character, and the truth is that I live a certain feeling of eternal youth, of never quite
reaching adulthood. I find responsibility very difficult.

During childbirth, my mother says that she had to undergo an emergency caesarean section
because, according to the doctor, the uterus was not dilated enough for a normal delivery. She
was also urged to undergo the operation because I was already showing signs of being
exhausted and my life was beginning to be in danger.

I have a clear bodily memory of the moment of my birth. I recognize similarities between what I
experienced in a therapeutic water rebirthing session with holotropic breathing in 2003 and my
mother's account. I clearly identified a feeling of abandonment coming from the origin, an
impersonal feeling that has become a key to my whole personal process of change.

So, just as my mother says happened with her parish work, my rebirth had a slow development.
By the time the whole group around me had completed the experience, and their respoc-rival
catharses were calming down, I was beginning to get tired of breathing and deeply doubtful that
anything rescuable would ever happen to me. People were already starting to leave the pool
when the experience finally began to gain momentum for me, with tingles and teranias.

At the cathartic climax, I was taken by compulsive crying and deep sadness. The person who
was with me at the expo told me that I kept whispering, "I don't want to". I became even more
immersed and felt transported to a place of pain and re-feeling. My cry was a lament for the
imposition of a forced birth: I was forced to submit to the logic of material things, to the
conditions of this "valley of tears" that is the world.

It was an essentially emotional experience, but I understood what happened. To be born meant
to return to a field where the prevailing law is that of suffering and pain; and more than that: to
be born was something imposed against my will, in spite of all my resistances.

The experience allowed me to recognize an emotional matrix formed by the belief that birth is
an unjust obligation. I felt intimately victimized by a sadistic God who thought it best to remove
me from the place of peace and harmony where I was.

And I could see how this primordial sense of injustice has reverberated throughout my life in the
form of rebellion and sadness, despite my good boy appearance, my cheerfulness and my
"good behavior".

The ten years following my rebirth were spent trying to assimilate this basic understanding. The
feeling of having been abandoned by God was a recurring theme in almost all my therapeutic
work. And finally, during an ayahuasca intake (in Bit-sil it is part of our culture, and it is
customary to consider this infusion as a sacrament), I had another shocking experience, which
added a new element.

The psychedelic ré brought me the vision of a prenatal moment in which my consciousness had
not yet entered into a relationship with this body. I understood now that being born was my
decision, that I accepted it of my own free will, that I consciously left the place where I was, and
from which I believed I had been expelled as a result of the inflation of my ego. I understood that
I had lived my personal history as the myth of the expulsion from paradise.

Recognizing, at last, that my arrival in this world had been the result of a choice made by me,
with the prerogative of free will, and not an arbitrariness of the Universe, opened the way to a
re-signification of my history from a less victimized and more responsible place. This new
approach has brought me a lot of health, because it has allowed me to stop justifying all my
frustrations with this feeling of victimhood, blaming my discomfort on circumstances or other
people.

My family

My parents knew how to fulfill the role expected of a respectable middle-class Brazilian family.
My father was the provider, managing the family business and assets; while my mother, a
housewife, took care of the family's daily life.

My father was forty years old when he married her, who was eighteen. A difference of twenty-
two years is no small thing. The fact that we belonged to different generations was the source of
many conflicts and frustrations, which became more pronounced with the passage of time, since
my father reached old age much earlier than my mother, and that was not easy for either of us.
I often heard her lamenting the decision to marry an older man, who had already lived through
many stories, who suffered additions and used to be absent. She complained that she was
wasting her youth and her beauty in the company of a man who did not value her and who
limited her. She gave us to understand that the only thing that kept her there, in that sacrifice,
was us, her children. I was scared to death that she could no longer bear that life and would
leave us.

I am the youngest of three brothers, with a considerable age difference between us. I am eight
years younger than the oldest, and I am fifteen years older than the oldest. When I was born,
my parents had already been married for seventeen years, which means that I came into a
system with many histories lived before I arrived, with alliances and rivalries already well
outlined. I was a late bloomer, welcomed as the baby of the family. In fact, Baby was my
nickname for many years: that's what they called me at home.

My mother was thirty-five when she gave birth to me. Her Polish ancestry bequeathed her a
stereotypical blonde, light-eyed, Europish physique, which made her extremely striking, as it is
an exotic type in a country with so many racial mixtures. She has always been a very beautiful
woman, not only because of her looks, but also because of the impression made by her
remarkable energy and vitality. She likes to say that she has been restless and independent
since she was a child. An ambitious woman, at the age of seventeen she left the small farm
where she lived with her peasant parents to pursue her studies in the state capital.

Gifted with a great imagination, every morning she would tell us the dreams she had had during
the night, which impressed me by the great amount of details she retained. It seemed to her that
some of these dreams were premonitory, and could intuitively influence her choices and guide
her. This attitude of trust in the dream world seemed to me to be a magical gift she had
received, which I always admired and tried to imitate.

However, my mother felt overwhelmed by the responsibility and undervalued, and she kept
expressing it to us with much emotional energy

It bothered him how much the family demanded from him, and he complained about how little
time he had left for her.

She had her demanding, exaggerated and capricious side, and was capable of making a scene
over trivialities, as when she cried inconsolably in a gift store because the wrapping she bought
for a friend was badly packaged.

She was also a loving mother, making us feel her care in a myriad of ways, such as when she
would tell us stories or make up my bed with my favorite blankets.

This inclination of hers to excess maternal care could take on a theatrical tone, on occasions
when she would hug me, kiss me and shower me with compliments with a certain affectation, as
if to demonstrate in public what a good mother she was.
When she was frustrated or confronted, she would become extremely irritated and would
aggressively attack anyone who got in her way. If I broke a glass or dropped a plate, she would
react with such emasculating and invalidating phrases as: "You don't give a damn," or "You
don't do anything right.

I incorporated her compulsive emotionality into my character as a dimension of her unhappiness

and suffering, and I felt that what I could do out of loyalty was to suffer with her. Like my mother,
I was an emotionally unstable nympho, sensitive to criticism and a crybaby.

However, I did not have her strength.

I was also trying to reciprocate what I thought she expected of me: that I would be her darling
little boy, and that I would not cause her the least trouble. I wanted to be her source of joy and
affection in the midst of such disgust as she lived. In return, I expected her to love me, care for
me, and keep me protected from her rage.

The terms of this alliance with my mother were that I would be protected and always close to
her, receive privileged treatment above my other siblings, respond with gentleness towards her
and suffer in her place. My mother still describes me today as a very sweet and loving child. I
learned, in this way, to negotiating with love. Today I can clearly see the effects of that contract
with my mother; for example, how I can impose a soft, smiling manner if I am interested in
gaining someone's acceptance.

My father was born at the beginning of the 20th century, specifically in 1911, in a typical family
of Brazilians mixed over many generations. In my father's lineage, as far as I know, there are
white Portuguese and black ex-slaves, among other mixtures. The eldest of seven siblings, he
said he had to take on many responsibilities and roles from an early age.

In my childhood, I remember him as a tired, vicjo man.

In my earliest memories, he was already over sixty years old and very weakened by excessive
smoking. Although he was affectionate and not at all violent, he was not interested in my things.
He had clearly run out of energy to respond to the needs of a child. I don't remember him
reading a book with me, or playing football, or accompanying me to a party at school, or taking
me to the par-que.

I was not at all intimidated in his presence, but there was no intimacy either. He fulfilled his role
as provider admirably, and I became accustomed to approaching him when I needed something
specific, like money.

On the other hand, he felt admiration for his social image as a respectable and intellectual
lawyer. He became a lawyer in 1937, which gave him the title of "doccor", little joke in a mostly
agrarian and illiterate Brazil. There was great admiration and appreciation in the family for the
status conferred by this title.
It was common for people to think that my father was, in fact, my grandfather. I hated that; I felt
very ashamed and embarrassed and resented the other children because they had young
fathers. Smoking brought on a constant cough and chronic fatigue. He spent many hours of the
day lying down and with little energy. His cigarettes added even more directly to me because
they smoked with that golden brownness and aggravated the asthma I suffered from the age of
three to eight.

As he grew older and more tired and neglected, my mother's resentment grew and I did not
spare her criticism at any time; she did not seem to care much about devaluing him in front of
her children either. To this day, it is clear to me that my mother and the alliance I established
with her influenced the image I built of my father throughout my life. When she complained and
blamed my father for her unhappiness, I swallowed that resentment as if it were my own.

As a result of that dynamic, I began my adult life with an image of my father completely tainted
by my mother's pain and systematic invalidations. I have tried to exorcise these inherited
wounds in order to reconstruct an image of my father with the admiration he deserves, which I
try to guide mainly by my direct experience with him.

I lived with my father until I was twenty years old and, for him, love was expressed through
provision, and he used his talents to ensure that there was no lack of food, clothing, education
and comforts. However, he did not seem to understand well how to relate lovingly to family
beyond these parameters. Indeed, it is true that he was more of an abuclo than a father.

My older brother, who was already a young adult, was the one who did the most to introduce me
to the world from a male perspective.

He took an interest in my games, created projects with me, and took me to soccer to watch my
club's games. To tell the truth, I found him a thousand times more interesting than my father.

My middle brother was very similar to my mother in terms of emotionality.

Temperamental and irritable, he did not hide his jealousy and used to treat me very
aggressively, so the relationship with him was much more difficult.

The picture of my family of origin is completed by a cousin, the son of a brother of my father,
who was sheltered by my family.

He was the same age as my older brother, and came to our home long before I was born.

Relations within the family were stormy. I believe that my arrival signified a renewed hope of
appeasing the conflicts, a promise of peace. Not long ago, one of my brothers literally told me
that he believed I had come to the family as an angel, with the mission of smoothing the
atmosphere at home and reconciling people.

At first the idea seemed absurd to me, but with time I saw that it was a very accurate description
of the place I occupied by conformity and systemic correspondence with what was expected of
me: to be the joy of the house. My mother describes me, in my childhood, as a very docile child,
who did not give her work.

One of my earliest memories gives another important clue about the formation of my character. I
vaguely remember a scene where, as a baby, in my crib, I witnessed a fight between my
parents. I did not understand the motives, but I felt a heavy emotional atmosphere and I
believed that I was dependent on my parents for my life.

I did not understand the motives, but I felt a heavy emotional atmosphere and believed that it
was up to me to reconstitute its harmony.

I have recently realized that this scene illustrates a crazy and fanciful idea, formed at a very
early age, when I came to believe that I was capable of pacifying family conflicts.

Something like a conciliator with extraordinary gifts. It is difficult to establish limits between
memory and projection, in this case, but it is very possible that there really was an expectation
that I would play the role of savior or conciliator, because of the alliance with my mother and the
family divisions that had been dragging on.

The crib scene evokes feelings of anguish, impoverishment and fear of abandonment.

What could a child do to reconcile a divided and conflicting family? The mere idea that

Pocre does something, and that this task would depend on me, already provides a strong
indication of how my ego Two conservation was formed: my reaction to the scene expresses an
affirmation of my pride.

This is a clear expression of my egocentric "generosity" which, as a good E2 conservationist, I

kept rather camouflaged and disguised, since I lived it through an imaginary and fanciful plot,
without the need to do anything concrete or to take any clear initiative, as the other two
subtypes do.

Looking back, I believe that my pregnancy was not planned, and I also suspect that my birth
marked the beginning of the end of my parents' sex life. I have no confirmation of this, but the
fact is that, as I grew older and the crib got smaller, I began sleeping with my parents in their
bed. Soon my father was displaced and went on to share a room with my middle brother.

In my first ten years of life I slept every night with my mother in her bed, symbolically taking my
father's place. This break in the affective hierarchy was fundamental in the formation of my
character and had consequences for the entire family system.

The official justification for this arrangement was that my father had a deafening snore, which
made the experience of sleeping in the same room with him a nightmare, and the only person
capable of enduring that noise was my middle brother. There was also the fear that if I was put
in the same room with my middle brother, I would be at constant risk of being assaulted
because of the jealousy he showed me. However, I suppose my mother simply liked to be near
her young, newborn son, whom she knew would be her last baby. And my father perhaps didn't
like being around me so much, as all indications were that he was no longer so attracted to the
idea of being a father.

And I, delighted to have my mother all to myself, to be able to enjoy her affection exclusively. I
liked to have her physically close to lean on my mother's lap or hug her. I remember clearly how
I would intertwine my feet with hers to warm them.

The substitution of my father for me as a source of warmth and affection may have provoked in
him a feeling of rejection towards me. His bond with my siblings was clearly more intimate and
affectionate. At first, I thought it was because of the phase of his life in which he was born, the
fact that he was more tired to care for me, that he no longer had any strength left. However,
today I understand that part of his coldness was caused by resentment towards the triangle I
formed with the couple, where I rivaled him and took his place.

Honestly, I have no memory of abuse. However, it is not clear to me how the confusion between
maternal and chrotic love operated in me. As I grew older, I realized that there was something
not right about sleeping in my mother's bed for so many years. When I turned seven, I
overheard my friends at school telling each other how nice their rooms or single beds were, and
I realized that my condition was not common.

I did not like people to know that I was still sleeping with my mother, because I felt their censure.
I felt ashamed, and I kept it a secret, with the conviction that I should not reveal the reality. I only
managed to get a bed of my own when my cousin left home to get married, and I started sharing
a room with my older brother when I was about ten years old.

The extension over time of this symbiosis with my mother cemented the stigma of being the
youngest child in the family, which severely hindered my process of assertion as I grew older.
My mother, for a long time, continued to call me Bebe in front of people, even though I made it
very clear to her, in words and gestures, how bad it made me feel.

When I was upset about it and expressed it to her, my mother manipulated me by making me
feel guilty: she told me that I was an ungrateful son. This prevented me from openly rebelling,

The family ultimately became accustomed to seeing me as a hebr and exerted great pressure to
consolidate me in that place. I felt that growing up required much more effort for me than for my
friends, because my family, and especially my mother, just didn't seem to want me to grow up.

The secret family

My mother was my father's second wife. Her first marriage, from which a son was born, was the
result of an arrangement between families, which did not work out. It was only when my father
passed away in 1988 and his will was read that I discovered that he had had another family.

No one had told me until then! So, in my twenties, I was faced with this huge surprise. It seemed
incredible to me that something so important had not even been mentioned by anyone, that it
had been kept from me. My brothers confessed that they already knew about it, and that it was
not mentioned because it was not important.

The subject was a big taboo in the family. From that moment on, everyone was impatient and
reluctant to answer my questions about my father's first family. My mother told me that my
stepbrother had serious psychological problems and that my father had the habit of visiting him
during his childhood, but gradually stopped doing so until he lost contact with him completely.

The official version is that the boy had a psychotic break when he was introduced to the first son
of his father's new family and from then on he never wanted to see him again. My siblings'
version is that they never felt compelled to meet this crazy half-brother; that it was a matter for
my father alone.

I didn't feel good knowing that there was a half-brother I had not been allowed to meet, and
even more so because I realized that my other siblings did not share my sentiment. When I was
able to understand a little more about the dynamics of family systems,

I was oriented in that direction, which became an important theme in my therapeutic work. After
an SAI course in 2010, I decided that I would look for this half-brother of mine, so that I could
recognize him and bring him into my system. I was very afraid of the possible consequences. I
had many nightmares and anxiety attacks before I was brave enough to find out his number and
call him.

When I finally got up the courage and he picked up the phone, I took my time to introduce
myself. He seemed surprised and very anxious. He replied that he was not interested in any
kind of contact with "that branch" of the family, excused himself and hung up.

After that disappointment, I still sent him a letter that I don't know if it reached him. I told him that
I was very sorry for having lived without having the opportunity to meet him, and that I
completely respected his decision to keep his distance. And little by little I forgot about it... until,
recently, I found out that he died, in 2016.

Today I continue to wonder what effects on the system, direct or indirect, might have been
caused by this half-brother being removed from the family. Or even, what effects might this fact
have had on our descendants, mine and my siblings' descendants? This lost sibling felt the
abandonment of the father we had in common in a much stronger way than any of the three of
us. I feel that his absence from our system impacted us all in different ways, in the form of guilt,
in my father, and through anger, in my mother.

Childhood and school

My childhood was free of any kind of responsibility. My family lived on a fair budget, but the
agreement between my parents was that we were exempted from any obligations other than
purely educational ones.
The side effect of my comfort orientation was that I was spared even simple chores like making
the bed or organizing my toys: my mother or the housekeeper took care of them.

In an SAT course in 2005, a therapist on the team told me that my life "should have been more
difficult," implying that my problems stemmed from my low tolerance for setbacks because I had
been so sheltered and pampered.

I grew up in an urban environment at a time when the city was not as terrifying a threat to
people's safety as almost every Latin American city is today.

There was freedom to explore the streets and squares around my home, and to build my own
social network from my affinities. As a child, I remember walking long distances in random
directions, driven only by curiosity. I would walk along the train tracks, climb shingles, enter
tunnels, attend mass in different churches, climb rocks.... Exploring the fabric of the city was a
fascinating game.

He played a lot alone. He was interested in the small animals of the earth, which he discovered
when he buried objects, imagining them as paleontological treasures. I could also swim in the
sea for four or five hours at a time, imagining encounters with fantastic sea creatures. I got used
to all that as a child, they called me a dreamer and told me that "I was on the moons.

Often my attention was immersed in an ocean of images and sensations, from which I related to
the world of the concrete. That world of images and sensations can be a wonderful channel for
creativity, but also a refuge for neurotic fantasies. And I experienced both.

Despite the freedom in which I grew up, I felt a great need to be seen and admired. Between the
ages of nine and ten, I had an experience that illustrates the intensity with which I felt this lack. I
remember going to an acquaintance's house and there was a sculpture carved in wood. It was a
human figure and I found it incredibly beautiful. I really wanted to be able to do something like
that, and I asked myself whether I would be admired if I succeeded. I even made a few

with a piece of wood and a sharp knife, but I soon realized that I couldn't get anywhere near that
result.

I then began to imagine that I could steal the sculpture and put my signature on it to present it
as mine. One day, when no one was home, I jumped over the wall and stole it. As I planned, I
painted my name in ink over the signature of the real author, which had been carved in bas-
relief.

I chose the best occasion to present "my masterpiece, giving it as a gift to a friend of my
brother. Everyone present was amazed and wanted to know more details about how, or when, I
had done it, and I began to invent explanations. At one point, I noticed that my brother and his
friend were pointing to the actual carved signature underneath my painted one, and I
understood from their expressions that my fraud had been discovered.
I felt an avalanche of terrible feelings in cascade: shame for being caught, remorse for stealing
and an immense astonishment when I realized all the risk I took and the energy I mobilized to
set up that farce, whose reward would be, in case everything went well, the admiration of
people.

I remember another similar event, at the same time in my life, when I stole a classmate's sticker
album at school. But the meaning was now much stronger; remembering it still causes me great
remorse. What moved me in this case was not the desire for admiration and recognition; it was
simple envy. I wanted my partner's album because it was more complete than mine. I was able
to sustain the lie, even witnessing the sadness it caused that child.

I knew I had done something horrible, but I couldn't find a way to back out without exposing
myself. I experienced the effects of guilt and remember thinking that there must be something
really wrong with me; that something in me needed to be fixed or repaired.

Until then, I had felt a certain orientation towards petty crime. I used to steal chocolates at the
market, and I would take some billiards out of my mother's purse and my father's wallet. I felt
the thrill of adrenaline and liked to measure my ability not to get caught. This, fortunately, ended
after the business of the

sticker album.

I was a mediocre student until I was thirteen or fourteen, when I failed and had to repeat a
grade. It was a severe fall, since in my family and my environment the stigma of "unintelligent"
fell on repeaters. I had to hear from my father and mother that I did nothing but study, and that I
should do better. I felt at the bottom of the pit and assumed that something had to change in
me, and that the change had to come through the revision of my attitudes.

From that moment on, I took refuge in an inner place under a lot of pressure, and I lived my
adolescence with the certainty that, if I could not change, I would end up worse than bad.

In the following year I adopted a less irreverent and more Apollonian behavior. I started to get
up earlier to organize my homework better, I reduced my free time outside the house to review
the day's lesson, I chose a place in class away from the more talkative ones, I tried not to get
into trouble so easily, etc. The change of class also helped, because with my new friends it was
easier for me to adapt to a new, more responsible place.

In just two years I experienced a transformation that took me from being one of the worst in the
class to one of the best students. The change was so extraordinary that it was a kind of
revolution in my self-image. I began to feel smarter and more beautiful, and even girls became
more interested in me.

At sixteen I had my first girlfriend. She was a cutie from my school. With her I felt worthy,
dignified, capable. In a short time, I went from being "the ugly duckling and half-donkey" to
being one of those who was able to experience an unprecedented ego inflation.
Our courtship lasted about a year and a half, and its end was, in principle, a mutual decision. It
was very difficult because, despite my pride, which did not allow me to admit the truth, I still felt
very much in love with her. Deep down, I was hoping that she would give up and look for me to
resume the relationship. But that didn't happen.

A few months later, I received a severe blow when I learned that she had started dating a boy
who was older than me, had his own car and also played the guitar. A seemingly unbeatable
opponent.... I was shocked when, soon after, I learned that she had become pregnant. But the
coup de grace came when, ironically, she moved in with her partner and newborn son right in
front of my house.

I started seeing her with her new family several times a week.

This caused my self-image to collapse, I lost my internal references and became mentally and
emotionally disorganized. The experience of this abandonment caused my first major existential
crisis. I realized that it was necessary to do more than just correct some habits and attitudes. I
had to be different, and I didn't even know where to start.

At first, my impulse was to try to eliminate the feeling of fragility and abandonment through
denial. I started drinking a-alcohol, competed with friends over who was capable of seducing the
most girls, and experienced some other excesses as an expression of my rebellious and
immature condition. This gave me an awareness of how the shock caused by frustration or
failure produces in me a drop in my sense of self-worth; and it is common for me to experience
the beginning of the downward cycle through symptoms of depression and anxiety. It is as if I
suddenly feel that I am empty.

Out of this denial, a state of melancholic vicissitude arises in me, which then turns into anger
and resentment. In its most extreme expressions, frustration can take the form of a histrionic
demand and rapidly evolve into anger, with loss of control and a lot of aggression.

These reactions of mine can be compared to infantile tantrums, and I experience them as a very
strong emotional turmoil.

It is like a false or theatrical action, driven by a set of disordered but very intense feelings and
sensations.

The curious thing about this state is that I can clearly perceive how the surge grows: it "fuels"
itself with vital energy, which is almost entirely concentrated on preparing the explosion. I feel
the power of its flow; I find it very attractive to let myself be taken by it; that is why the resistance
is so small. I feel pleasure, while a sense of empowerment is artificially created. Once I reach
the point of saturation, I can no longer resist the effects of the olca-da and everything explodes
like a bomb.

However, this energy quickly dissipates and the imposition of my will by force can no longer be
sustained, resulting in an agoration of my power as rapid as its inflation was. Before long the
euphoria gives way to depression, which feeds on the guilt derived from the excessive display of
rage.

Depending on the intensity of the episode, it can take me days to regain my personal
equilibrium, as I end up exhausted.

I experienced this same fall script countless times throughout my life. The only thing that varied
was the frequency and intensity of each slap. Fortunately, it decreased as I began to
understand the mechanism, thus slowing down its development. Today I can recognize the
importance of this first girlfriend in my life and the pain that her abandonment caused me as the
catalyst for many transformations in the direction of realizing how destructive this fall script was.

One of the consequences of that experience was the complete reconfiguration of my

relationships with women. My role models were my middle brother and my cousin, who
harassed their girlfriends in an aggressive tone and manipulated them by trying to make them
feel guilty. I started applying these same techniques with my girlfriend, I was always the one
who was responsible for all the arguments.

Luckily for me, she was less fragile and submissive than my brothers' girlfriends; and, by leaving
me, she allowed me to understand that this was a pattern that was unhealthy to copy. I was able
to realize that I had artificially integrated into my love life a toxic behavior that was not originally
mine, but which I assimilated through the example of the male references I had in the family.

Work

Work, career and professional fulfillment are pending issues. It is an aspect of my life that is
very difficult for me; I see my difficulty, like two conservationists, in becoming an adult.

I have a background that allows me to work in a very broad professional field, involving
architecture, design and visual arts. I have a master's degree and a doctorate, which allow me
to work in research and higher education.

I consider my repertoire of skills a precious inheritance from my parents' efforts to give us

freedom, experiment and clear our minds. My financial situation also allows me, albeit with
some limitations, freedom of movement.

However, several psychological factors operate together in a way that makes it difficult for all
these good conditions to result in economic and personal fulfillment. A therapist who often
attends the SAT program told me, in consultation with my professional dilemmas, that my
problem is that I don't believe in my ability. When I asked him how to overcome it, he suggested
that I revere my father's memory.

I didn't quite understand my father's work practice, as there was nothing very visible or routine
about what he did. He was a freelancer and his office was in a room in our house, close to the
street. He could spend long periods at home, sometimes disappearing on business trips.
There were times when he was paid very well for a service, and then he was happy to distribute
gifts to his children and fill the pantry, and there were times of scarcity when he strictly
controlled the money he brought in. He preferred freedom and autonomy, despite his irregular
income, to a limiting routine with the security of a fixed salary. When times demanded savings,
the atmosphere at home became more austere, and my mother told us to ask for money only for
the essentials.

I remember, from a very early age, how worried I was about whether I would ever be able to
support myself, or even if I would be able to support a family.

I worried about the adult world and its responsibilities, as I didn't seem to believe that I would be
able to develop the skills to meet the challenges I saw around me.

Recently, another therapist who knows my story suggested to me that my professional

difficulties are also the consequence of the alliance I made with my mother to never grow up, to
always be her Baby. The logic would be that, if I do not fulfill myself, I will never have to be an
adult; and, not being an adult, I will always be dependent and will never leave my mother. It
makes a lot of sense, and evokes in me the image that I still need to symbolically cut the
umbilical cord.

I recognize in myself a self-sabotage that limits the development of many of my projects, which I
abandon when they are about to be completed, presented or sold. In fact, it is as if my legitimate
right to feel satisfied and nourished by the results of my work were vitiated by the shame of
feeling like a kind of beggar of recognition. Pride again!

Another friend, half therapist and half witch, visited my house recently and was surprised by the
dismissive way I explained my work. She recognized this belittling as an expression of my self-
boycott, and suggested that I put into practice a simple act of psychomagic action: I was to
place on the walls of my house all the pictures and paintings that I had scattered haphazardly
on the floor and in the corners. Although this is a seemingly simple task, I have not yet been
able to do it.

Although it is a seemingly simple task, I have not yet been able to complete it.

The boundaries between my sense of personal value and the external recognition of my work
are blurred. This confusion paralyzes me in terms of action and achievement, since internally I
feel that the rejection of something I have done is a rejection of me. List crazy idea follows the
script that I will not be loved if I cannot offer something that is worthy of admiration. It also helps
to reinforce my hedonism, which leads me to have many interests at once. This expansive
impulse to look in different directions makes it hell to pursue activities that require long and
disciplined dedications.

I perceive all this as a cognitive dysfunction that impairs my concrete action in the world, linked
to my difficulties to organize myself. I feel a confusion that makes it difficult to organize my
priorities. It is as if I am surrounded by tasks everywhere. Everywhere I look, I recognize
something that demands my attention and I don't even know where to start. This undisciplined
and exhaustive mental entanglement drains my strength without really changing anything.

As a good Two, I feel uncomfortable with routines and bureaucracy, which I see as threats to
my sacred freedom, so it is not easy for me to integrate a discipline into my work. As a
therapeutic orientation for these professional ills of mine, I feel that activities with distinct
methodologies work for me, with which I can organize my objectives by meeting deadlines and
tasks.

Since there is no danger of me turning my need for organization into a compulsion, developing a
practical sense for planning can bring me visible results in the short and medium term, for
developing a practical sense and operating at the level of the concrete in the world is already, in
itself, a healing experience for my neurosis.

Wounds and scars

In my family there was a toxic sense of humor, specialized in identifying someone's weaknesses
and making a fool of them. The person who was the target of criticism did not necessarily have
to be present. We could badmouth someone over lunch, for example. The comments had the
bias of contempt and belittlement, and seemed to be completed when one came to laugh at
them, in a dynamic typical of bullying.

The episodes of moral abuse to which I was exposed are not completely healed wounds, and,
from time to time, they still provoke reactions in me. The disguise of humor makes the
aggression less noticeable; however, it hurt my self-esteem more deeply than any physical
aggression. I can remember the anger I felt. I could not understand the cause or motivation for
those humiliations, which seemed totally gratuitous. I did not know what to do to set boundaries
or express how much they hurt me, as my depression and sadness were treated in my family
environment as softness and laziness.

I got from the Dos Ez conservation the extreme sensitivity that meant I could be hurt by the
slightest comment. My parents didn't seem to realize the effects of such teasing on me. I
recently told my mother that the memories of these abuses still hurt me, and she was genuinely
surprised. In fact, I'm not entirely sure that she was surprised that I meant what I said, or that
she believed me.

I remember a scene, in the presence of some cousins and friends, in which my brothers decided
to have fun at my expense, telling everyone at what late age I stopped taking the bottle, or how I
used to be cheated by a childhood friend, who took money from me to buy ice cream. My
brothers would indulge in teasing whenever they found an opportunity to make a fool of me in
public. It is clear that they realized how much they were hurting me and how humiliated I felt by
people's laughter. And I hated them for it.

I spent a good part of my life without understanding the gratuitousness of those aggressions.
Today I understand that they may have been expressions of resentment because of our
mother's preference for me. A way of telling me that my seduction strategy and my maternal
alliance did not go unnoticed.

My mother had a different style, but she didn't spare me public exposure either. I remember one
day, when I got home, she was talking to two neighbors on the street. I went over to greet the
group and suddenly my mother started saying, "Look how big he is! But to me he's still a
baby..... My baby." I was deeply embarrassed and asked her not to do it anymore, but it was no
use. My discomfort was not validated. I can understand that her intention was not to deliberately
humiliate me, but neither was she willing to release me so easily from the place of eternal child
that we had implicitly agreed upon in my earliest childhood.

When our family was in a social setting, or in the presence of other people, I lived under the
tension and expectation that my mother's embarrassing "love theater" or my siblings' bullying
would soon unfold. It was like living in the bipolarity of being coddled and humiliated by it.

In the long run, these systematic moral abuses provoked a strong feeling of inadequacy in me,
as the urama was invariably directed at showing how inept, cowardly, stupid and weak I was,
and all this made me feel deeply ridiculous. I experienced each of these episodes as an
emasculation, and I felt that I had to exert a counter-pressure on my mother's attachment in
order to have room to grow. The effort also took place within me in the form of conflict and
insecurity, because of what it might mean to grow up and lose that place of privilege I had with
my mother and, by extension, within my family, despite the price I paid.

Even today, despite having looked at it many times, I feel a great reactivity when I find myself in
a situation of being exposed in the spotlight. In negative situations, it takes the form of a
counter-phobia that can evolve very quickly into resentment or explosive rage of
disproportionate dimensions.

Fortunately, I can perceive that, over time, reactions of this type have become less frequent and
less intense, probably as a result of my therapy process. I have learned to recognize some
triggers more accurately, so that it is no longer so easy to fall into the trap.

I have been able to see, for example, how I became a master at responding to all that toxicity
with humor, but under the effect of a transmission belt that transformed me from abused to
abuser and that made me occupy that same role at times, from a chronic resentment that ended
up inspiring rejection in many people.

As long as I could not fall into it, as long as this cycle between the feeling of the abused and the
abuser's attitude was a blind compulsion, I lived under a strong feeling of inadequacy and
isolation.

Some friends I still keep today remember me as an aggressive child, even in the home, even
though my mother and adults in general would have described me as a "sweet and affectionate
child". In fact, between the ages of ten and fourteen I got into fights, beatings and complaints
from the school because my frequent indiscipline caused a lot of trouble. Everything,
reverberations outside the house of the neurosis that I lived with my family.
Somehow, at home they got used to coerce me through threat, although only my middle brother
used to cross the limits of physical aggression. At the onset of the acula age, at eighteen, my
body began to change rapidly through sport and, just in time, I became very strong.

When I matched everyone in size and strength and was able to confront them physically, I
established a new demarcation in dealing with adults at home. I began to communicate with
each one of them in a different way, making it clear that, from that moment on, threats would no
longer have any effect on me, since there was no longer the fear I felt before, and that every
humiliation I received would entail a retaliation. I only exchanged a few blows with my middle
brother, just long enough for him to understand that his advantage in physical strength no longer
existed.

This phase of affirmation, which lasted until I was twenty years old, corrected all my
relationships. But it also coincided with crucial events, such as the death of my father. Just
before he died, at the age of seventy-seven, my father no longer concealed the awkwardness
that existed between us. During the last year of his life, his treatment of me was dry, superficial
and impatient. I lived his death with much ambiguity and confusion. I felt a strange guilt for not
having had a closer and more intimate relationship with him, unconsciously admitting my co-
responsibility for the weakness of our bond. I also felt very angry at his inability to get close to
me, since he was the father and I was the son.

That same year I was admitted to a university in another city and began to disconnect from my
family of origin. My middle brother also left home to live with his girlfriend in another state. My
eldest brother continued to live with my mother and took my father's place as the head of the
family property.

Arrival at adulthood

So, at the age of twenty, and coinciding with the death of my father, I had arrived in the world of
adults, which I experienced as if I was the cause of a fragmentation in the family for having
grown up and tried to disidentify myself from them. Although, since-ramente, I didn't feel bad
about it. In a way, I believed that the strength of the bonds was enough for my relationships with
my family members to be re-signified, but this was never confirmed.

Thereafter, I was able to identify that, throughout my life, I created an image of myself as a
cohesive force that kept the family system from imploding. I discerned the origin of my ego as a
result of this identification with the place of "being so special" in the home, almost like a Baby
Jesus. It is difficult for me to identify to what extent my personality structuring was a response to
what was expected of me and how much arose from my own inclinations.

It is curious how even today I feel responsible for the mediation between people in the family.
Perhaps this idea is an echo of my childish egocentrism, which still fantasizes about a family
pacified thanks to my good offices, to my magnet, that of someone who gives, offers stability
and serves a greater cause of love and unity.
But this can also mean, in a healthier and more mature version of my character, the possibility
of taking responsibility for what I have been able to see of family madness, including my own,
this time without privilege or fantasies of special gifts, in a position to collaborate so that we can
end this journey in a better situation than we began it.

From age twenty to twenty-five, my time as a student-tc in college, I experienced unprecedented

freedom in a regime of semi-independence. I still enjoyed family funds to support me and my
studies, and I had the autonomy and freedom to move about as I wished.

I was more interested in living with other young people my age than in studying. I had become
an average student who attended a lot of parties and get-togethers with friends. I had my
favorite professors, whom I became close to and befriended. They were always the most
alternative, philosophical and abstract. One of these teachers with whom I liked to talk was, in
addition, a macstro of an ayahuasca religion, and he agreed to invite me to participate in a
session.

I was twenty-two years old at the time and very interested in experiencing altered states of
consciousness within a protected environment. I was born in 1968, a year of great upheaval in
the countercultural movements around the world, and it is possible that this fact provided me
with some kind of memory of that moment in my way of being in the world.

When I finally drank ayahuasca for the first time in a session at the União do Vegetal, it was as
if I had the proof I was missing about the existence of spirit. The clarity of understanding and the
beauty of the visions put me on the trail of a deeper and more subtle layer of existence, which I
certainly wanted to visit and explore. The tea brought me symbols, memories, feelings,
sensations, expansion and understanding, but also discomfort and suffering. I thought I had
found the way, and I was totally involved with that culture and the people in it for several years.

Little by little, I was adapting to the profile of the followers of the ayahuasca religion. I was
looking for a more apollonian, disciplined and dedicated sense, because I felt that these were
the virudes that I was missing. I assumed that my life needed more order, and that meant
adopting new postures and habits, and that religion seemed to be the ideal environment to learn
how to be like that.

I was a regular at the Unido do Vegetal for about fifteen years. I experienced many joys there. I
learned the basics about power plant experiences, about the energetic makeup of the systemic
field, as well as the resources for

keep me balanced during the usual storm of its effects on mind and body.

However, I realized that my possibilities for development within that group were losing steam, as
I became neurotically rigid when I allowed the artificial superimposition of a sense of order over
my more spontaneous impulses. Over time, I became interested in other ways of experiencing
the effect of tea, in other contexts and groups, and gradually disconnected from that group.
It was during an ayahuasca ritual in 1994 that I met Ana Paula, and in 1996, at the age of
twenty-eight, we got married. We have been together for 24 years and, to some extent, we are
each other's opposite of what our parents were. Ana Paula is a woman of absolutely gentle and
constant emotion, the exact opposite of what my mother was. On the other hand, the warmth
and spontaneity that interested her in me contrasts with her father's emotional coldness and
control.

She seems immune to my emotional contamination, and does not echo my excesses when they
finally manifest. And this favors my development to the extent that it stops the inflammation of
my ego and defuses all its justification. From the beginning, I felt that it would be a difficult task
to be together, but that it was a great opportunity to learn to master my excessive emotional
expressions. Besides, I had already learned from my teenage girlfriend that healthy women
sooner or later lose interest in abusive men.

Our sense of humor and spontaneity attunes and brings us closer. It also brings us closer to the
fact that we have always been together in the quest for transformation. This made us
companions along the way, even before we were husband and wife. I think we are also drawn to
each other by our neurotic needs. On my part, the search for a woman who could replace my
mother in caring and maintaining privileges.

On her side, perhaps to justify the imposition of superiority of those who offer care. Today I
understand that the challenge that was always imposed on me for marriage to be something
more than a meeting between our two follies, was to be able to abandon my place of
dependence, in the direction of greater autonomy and self-sufficiency. In other words, I was able
to grow up and present myself to her as a man and no longer as a child.

I never had any doubt that my path of growth was to get married and have children. I
understand that this is not necessary for everyone, but I imagine it might have been a much less
rewarding life if I had spent it alone. Parenthood dislocated my perspective to the condition of
having to prioritize other people's needs over my own, something that had never been a natural
condition for me.

It became necessary to live with the discomfort of having to care for someone else instead of
being cared for, and to confront what was in me of selfishness, comfort, inertia and narcissism. I
dedicated myself firmly to the challenge of sharing all the tasks of caring for the children, and
this led to the formation of an intimate bond with them on a level I had not experienced with my
father.

We have three children, ages nineteen, fifteen and twelve. They are different from each other,
and we know that each will have many problems to solve in the course of their lives, but I am
very glad that certain neurotic patterns in my family of origin have not caught up with them; and I
believe that I did not pass them on to them not only because I was able to recognize them (at
the expense of many hours of therapy) before they could contaminate the relationships between
my children and myself.
Unlike my family of origin, in our home there are no theatrical fights, loud arguments or
aggression of any kind. None of my children have ever been slapped. As a key clause in our
marriage contract, Ana Paula and I agreed that being together should always be a conscious
choice. At various times we felt open to renewing our vows and revising the terms of our
agreements as a couple.

There is no control over each other, no jealousy that leads us to alter our behavior. Most of the
friends we have belong to both of us, but we also give ourselves the freedom to have our own
circles of relationships. We find it important to create contexts in which our married status is not
an impediment to our individual development, but rather enhances our experiences.

After completing my PhD in 2008, I dedicated myself to teaching and research in the faculties of
Architecture and Design. It was a brilliant and intense phase that lasted twelve years, in which I
discovered a vocation. I was motivated to study like never before, to structure my classes and
courses and to present content specifically for eighteen to twenty-two year olds, and I felt the
beneficial effects of this immersion on my intellectual and logical capacity.

In some classes, I was able to open myself to less orthodox approaches than the standards of
formal education, proposing dynamics close to gestalt to the students. In this context, I felt a bit
like a therapist, because my proposal consisted in offering something more than the simple
function of transmitting a programmatic content; I worked in the direction of building a field of
unity and trust where classes could take place fluidly. During the classes, I tried to encourage
them to share their processes and difficulties.

I came to know better the potential of compassionate love, so strong in the conservation
subtype. I felt really interested in the students and enjoyed getting to know them closely. It was
a phase in which I felt strongly empathic, with a great openness in which I could share the best
of myself.

Some of my ego traps often stem from the bipolar oscillation in my relationship with authority.
Thus, seeing myself in the position of teaching authority, I was motivated to relinquish this role,
trying to be more egalitarian, with the new reality of being in a more forward crapa. But this
stance had adverse effects on the recognition of authority roles, partly because I insist on being
the <friend of the students> type of teacher. I felt some difficulty in understanding the functional
limits of being a responsible teacher, partly because of my objection to any hierarchical
submission.

responsible teacher, partly because of my objection to prioritizing any hierarchical submission.

And when I realized that, I often found myself in resentful and authoritarian attitudes in class,
especially when some dysfunction occurred in the class related to the need to assert my
authority.

This phase of enthusiasm for teaching also reached its zenith and consequent decline. It
happened in a course in which I felt that I lost interest in dedicating myself professionally to
teaching, as if I had already assimilated all the learning that I could extract from that situation.
What remains to be worked on

In its neurotic version, a proud conservative feels very vulnerable to the challenges of the adult
world, which demands self-assertion and self-responsibility. He does not fully trust that his
abilities are sufficient to protect himself and act in the world, & feels confused by the complexity
of situations and seeks the proximity of people who support him in his insecurity.

The seductive strategy that we develop as proud, supposedly loving generators, is that of
seduction in exchange for affection, appealing to the maternal and paternal instincts of people,
so that they feel obliged to accept or welcome us. In this sense, egocentric

The seductive strategy we develop as proud, supposedly love-generators is that of seduction in

exchange for meaning, egocentric generosity does not imply that we offer anything in particular
as a seduction strategy. Rather, we use a soft vox, a sweet tone, a smile and a relaxed gesture,
and we do not offer much more than warmth, but this is enough to be attractive and to concoct
fantasies related to self-importance and egocentrism.

Perhaps the worst effect of this dysfunction of love is the impossibility of living the enjoyment of
true achievements in an integral way, since satisfaction always seems contaminated by the
distrust of manipulation and the desire for recognition, dislocating perception and leading it
towards a space in which false humility and lack are confused.

Abandoning that place implies, first of all, feeling dissatisfied with the humiliating condition of
behaving like an incapable without being an incapable. It is important to create a sense of
persistence of purpose and to learn to free oneself from the self-critical messages that arise as
soon as something goes wrong. By persistence I mean developing a more consistent sense of
regularity.

It is essential to come to accept that there is a legitimate joy in being content with the results of
one's achievements, even if one realizes how much one secretly wants them to serve as a
means for the world to recognize it. The ego usually wants to appropriate our best results by
smearing them with feelings of shame and complexes. It is a trap to keep us from self-
fulfillment, to keep us faithful to our commitment not to grow.

The proud's urgent desire for freedom cannot be sustained by insubordination. Although anger
moves mobilizes a lot of energy causing an illusion of strength, rebellion tends to function more
as a limiting imprisonment.

From a broader perspective, I feel that the epicenter of this neurosis is the denial of life, and all
these effects appear as irradiations due to its non-acceptance. How can one live profitably if
there is an expressed commitment to denial, operating through non-self-realization? Would non-
self-realization be a gesture of childish rebellion against the arbirariety of life?

My goal is to have confidence in the phrase "thy will be done," from the Lord's Prayer, since for
me it represents a grateful rest in the confidence that life expects nothing from us beyond who
we are, not what we do. The commitment and commitment to this mandate, as Claudio Nrarjo
used to say, are enough for everything else to come to us in addition.

Everything else will come to us as an addition.

And some transformations...

The therapeutic process has opened me to insights that, over time, have become a cloud of
memories, understandings and images that gain clarity and meaning as I establish connections
between them.

I was able to understand how a gestalt can take many years to complete, in its cycle between
identifying a delicate problem and balancing it with a counterpoint. It does not seem possible to
alter the memory of a trauma or pain, but it seems quite possible that its attributes can be
reformulated from new experiences.

An example of this in my personal experience are the notions that my birth was an arbitrariness
of life in spite of my will, which is later completed with the understanding that, despite validating
my painful requests, I recognize myself as fully responsible for the conditions of my birth, once I
come to see them as motivated by my own choice.

But even more important is to become aware of the process that has taken me from a state of
resentment in which my vitality was prostrate, to one where I admit and accept suffering, and
take responsibility for how I manage it.

Undoubtedly, my personal process has led me to know that pain has a role in the maturation
process, and for that reason it should not be rejected with disgust and curses. Pain has brought
me greater depth and has been a raw material for the blossoming of important qualities, such as
empathic patience and sensitivity.

The sobriety that distances us from frivolous superficiality. It creates a greater mass before life
and an existential center of gravity. It is not a question of wanting or seeking pain, for pain
understood and accepted has nothing to do with masochistic suffering. On the contrary, it
becomes a powerful pulling force and a condition for consciousness.

I once heard a therapist's answer to the question of how he had overcome a traumatic
experience that almost took his life. He said that the very space that the accident opened him to
the experience of pain was the space from which love came to him.

On the road of life I realized that transformation operates through continuity and does not skip
stages. I understood that the heart can create beautiful melodies interpreted by love and pain.
And I came to recognize that I like people, and that accepting pain can become a path of
evolution.