S ES S IO N E L E VE N

Anger and Communication

Introduction
Welcome to the Anger and Communication session of the Living
in Balance program. This session focuses on various aspects
of anger and communication. It reviews the physical signs of
anger and explores unhealthy ways people deal with anger. The
session reviews several positive ways to express anger so as not
to harm recovery.

What is in this session?

This session has two major parts: (1) Understanding Anger and
SESSION 11 HAS
(2) Expressing Anger. TWO MAJOR PARTS:
1. Understanding Anger
4 After participating in part 1, you will be able to
2. Expressing Anger
• recognize the biological signs of anger.
• recognize ways that people stuff or repress
their anger.
• recognize ways that people attempt to delay
their angry feelings.
• understand how people shift their anger to another
person or thing.
• recognize ways that people dilute their anger
and pretend it doesn’t exist.

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

SESSION 11 << PAGE 1

LIVING IN BALANCE

4 After participating in part 2, you will be able to

• recognize negative ways to express anger.
• understand how to be assertive and improve
communication.
• understand positive ways to express your anger.

What will be asked of you?

You will be asked to consider important aspects regarding anger,
including the physical symptoms of anger and unhealthy ways you
might be expressing anger. You will be asked to review healthy
ways to express anger. These are personal and emotional issues.
Reviewing these issues may be somewhat challenging to you.
However, if you proceed through this session, you will learn an
important skill: how to express anger in a healthy way and not
harm your recovery.

Part 1: Understanding Anger

Anger is a natural part of life, although it may not be a pleasant

one. Its effects are especially important if a person does not realize
LEARNER OBJECTIVES he or she is really angry.
FOR PART 1:
You will People use psychological defense mechanisms to ignore
• recognize the biological stress, fear, and the negative consequences of their addiction.
signs of anger. The same thing can happen with anger.
• recognize ways that people
stuff or repress their anger. People sometimes ignore, deny, put aside, and repress their
• recognize ways that people anger. This can be very destructive. Acknowledging, recognizing,
attempt to delay their angry and learning about anger and the symptoms of anger is an impor-
feelings.
tant first step to dealing with anger.
• understand how people
shift their anger to another
person or thing. Biological Signs of Anger
• recognize ways that people Anger is not simply an emotional reaction. Anger has strong
dilute their anger and pretend
biological and physical components. When people become angry,
it doesn’t exist.
their body goes into action, and several physical changes occur.
Many of the signs and symptoms of anger are the same as
for fear.

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

PAGE 2 >> SESSION 11

 ANGER AND COMMUNICATION

These are some of the physical signs of anger:

• The pupils of the eyes open up (dilate) to let in more light.
• The heart pumps more blood to the brain.
• Breathing becomes faster and harder.
• The amount of blood sugar increases to provide more
energy.
• Digestion slows down.
• The skin begins to perspire to flush out waste products
and to keep the person cool.

Anger energizes people for physical attack, just as fear energizes

people for running away to safety. Having this extra energy
is essential for people who need to run for safety or defend
themselves.
However, it can be a problem in other situations. Anger can
become dangerous when it lasts for long periods. Long periods of
anger can cause high blood pressure, stomach ulcers, intestinal
problems, and various other medical problems.

EXERCISE 1 Anger has strong

biological and physical

Please check the statements that apply to you and add
components.
any additional items.

When I get angry, I

feel tense all over.

have tense muscles in my face.

grind my teeth.

tighten my fists.

get red or feel hot in the face.

get goose bumps.

have chills.

(exercise continued on next page)

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

SESSION 11 << PAGE 3

LIVING IN BALANCE

have a racing heart.

feel sick to my stomach.

feel a tightening in my neck.

sweat a lot.

have hot or cold flashes.

other: _______________________________________________

other: _______________________________________________

other: _______________________________________________

Trying to Stuff Anger

People often stuff or repress their anger—or try to do so.
There are times when people are angry but hold their anger
in. In some social situations, people may become angry, but they
try to stuff or hide their anger toward others, or even toward
themselves. These situations are common for people new in
recovery.
They may even deny to themselves that they are angry. Even
so, they may appear angry and have the physical signs of
anger, but they believe or think people do not see it. They may
say such things as, “Well, maybe I’m just a little disappointed,
but it’s no big deal,” when what they really feel is “I’m really
angry.” And even though they deny anger, they display all the
physical signs of anger.
Some people were raised to believe that nice people do not
People often stuff or get angry. These people were taught to mind their own business
repress their anger. and not make any waves. These people grow up not realizing that
they, like everybody else, become angry at times. Such people may
say things like “It just doesn’t bother me,” “It’s just not worth it
to get angry,” or “I couldn’t care less.”
These people are stuffing or repressing their anger. Ultimately,
the anger only builds up.

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

PAGE 4 >> SESSION 11

 ANGER AND COMMUNICATION

EXERCISE 2

Select yes or no for the following questions:

1. Were you taught that anger is bad?

Yes    No    

2. Have you ever told someone that you weren’t angry, but
they told you that you looked angry?
Yes    No      

3. Have you ever felt angry and used a mood-altering drug

to temporarily feel better?
Yes    No  

Trying to Delay Anger

Some people mistakenly believe that if they ignore anger, stress,
conflicts, and responsibilities, they will go away. This usually
does not work—not if you are really angry. Of course, when you
are really angry, sometimes it is better to relax and cool down
before dealing with your feelings. However, you still need to find
a positive solution to the problem causing your anger.
Some people believe that if they ignore their angry feelings,
they will go away. This may be true if your anger was caused
by something that irritated or bothered you but then went
away. However, if an ongoing problem is making you angry, you
will need to find a solution. It may mean that you need to talk
with someone or make some changes in your life to resolve the
problem causing the anger. Trying to delay dealing

Trying to delay dealing with anger can make the anger build. with anger can make

This may lead to an explosion of anger in response to a relatively the anger build.

small problem. When that explosion occurs, people are much

less capable of handling their angry feelings and may say and do
things they regret later.

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

SESSION 11 << PAGE 5

LIVING IN BALANCE

EXERCISE 3

Select yes or no for the following question:

Have you ever tried to ignore your angry feelings, causing

them to build up and resulting in an explosion of anger?
Yes    No   

DID YOU KNOW?

Sometimes it may be better to express your anger after you have
It may be better to cooled off so that you do not make the problem or conflict worse.
express your anger However, it is still important to talk about your anger so
after you have cooled off
it does not continue to build. You can do so, though, after you’ve
so you do not make the
conflict worse. calmed down a little.
Some people may not be aware that they are trying to delay
their anger. They may say, “I didn’t realize how angry I was until
now” or “Why didn’t I think of that earlier? I was crazy to let him
get away with that.”

EXERCISE 4

Please answer the following questions:

1. Do you sometimes believe that there will be a better time

in the future to experience your anger?
Yes    No    

2. Do you sometimes get extremely angry at small problems?

Yes    No      

3. Do you feel that it is better to express your anger

immediately or wait until you have calmed down?
Immediately    After I have calmed down   

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

PAGE 6 >> SESSION 11

 ANGER AND COMMUNICATION

Shifting the Anger

Sometimes people focus their anger on a safer or less threatening
person or situation. An example is someone who is very angry Sometimes people focus
with a boss but shows anger at home toward his or her spouse. their anger on a safer or

less threatening person

or situation.
EXERCISE 5

Select yes or no for the following question:

Have you ever expressed anger at one person even though

you were actually angry with someone else?
Yes    No

People who shift anger may suddenly explode at someone with

whom they have little or no problem. They may exaggerate prob-
lems or bring up old problems that have already been resolved.
For the most part, these people are unaware that they are
shifting anger from one situation to another. They feel forced
to repress their anger at one person, but they unconsciously feel
justified in lashing out at another.
Some people may repress their anger toward a particular
person but focus it instead on themselves. This self-directed
anger can produce depression and self-hate.

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

SESSION 11 << PAGE 7

LIVING IN BALANCE

EXERCISE 6

Please answer the following questions:

1. Are there situations in which you feel a need to stuff your

feelings?
Yes    No  

If so, what do you do with your feelings in those situations?

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

2. Have you ever exploded at an innocent person after having

a bad day or incident?
Yes    No   (If yes, please describe.)

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

3. Have you ever been so angry with yourself that others

were scared of what you might do?
Yes    No   (If yes, please describe.)

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________
© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

PAGE 8 >> SESSION 11

 ANGER AND COMMUNICATION

Trying to Dilute Anger

For people in recovery, expressing feelings appropriately can be
challenging. Uncomfortable feelings, such as anger, can be even
more challenging. There are times when people new in recovery
feel angry but immediately try to weaken the anger and pretend
that it doesn’t exist. It is important to know

Consider the following example: While in therapy, Lakeesha the difference between

finally realized that when she was a young girl, her mother had accepting and expressing

physically abused her. Now, years later, her mom is elderly and your anger.

in a nursing home. At the time that Lakeesha realizes that her

mom had been abusive, she says, “I can’t be mad at her. She’s old,
and she did the best she could. She was under pressure.” In this
example, Lakeesha has a perfect right to be angry. Her mom’s
behavior hurt her badly, but Lakeesha feels guilty for feeling
angry and tries to dilute her anger.
It is important to know the difference between accepting
and expressing your anger. If you do not admit your anger, it will
probably build up and cause more harm. When you accept your
anger, then you can decide on the best way to express it.
You can decide whether it is better to talk directly with the
person you are angry at or to talk with someone else about it and
find an alternative solution. Every situation and every person is
different. You have to find the best way to handle each situation
without denying your anger.

EXERCISE 7

Please answer the following questions:

1. How comfortable or uncomfortable do you feel about

expressing your anger? What could you do to make it
easier for you to express your anger?

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

© Hazelden Foundation.
(more writing space on next page) All rights reserved.

SESSION 11 << PAGE 9

LIVING IN BALANCE

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

2. In the previous example, Lakeesha feels guilty for experi-

encing her own anger. Have you ever experienced a similar
situation?
Yes    No   (If yes, please explain.)

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

3. What is so important about becoming aware of unconscious

anger?

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

PAGE 10 >> SESSION 11

 ANGER AND COMMUNICATION

Repressing Anger: An Example

For three years, Chen went to a bar every Friday, which was
also payday, where he spent money on alcohol and other drugs.
He often spent the rent money. Shortly before Chen got into
treatment, his wife, Ming, insisted on picking up the paycheck and
quickly depositing it in the bank.
Now that Chen is in a treatment program and going to
Twelve Step meetings, he wants to pick up the paycheck himself.
Although he doesn’t say anything, he has a lot of resentment
about the fact that Ming still picks up and deposits the check.
He begins to get more angry and depressed. He isolates him-
self and doesn’t talk about it to Ming. He tries to pretend that
nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, it is eating him up inside.
One Friday, despite the agreement that Ming will pick up
the check, Chen goes to pick it up. Ming sees him at the payroll
office. They seem surprised to see each other. Chen is embar-
rassed and blushes. He does not realize that Ming can tell he is
embarrassed and angry. They talk. Chen tries to stuff or repress
his anger during this talk, and he denies that he is angry. He
doesn’t want to make a scene and says it’s a silly mistake on
his part.
By the time Chen and Ming get home, Chen is willing to talk
about his feelings with her. This time, Chen tries to say why he
thinks he should pick up his own check. He tells Ming that he
was angry. Although they decide that Ming will continue to pick
up the checks, they are able to talk about the situation.

EXERCISE 8

Please answer the following questions about this example:

1. How can Chen work on not stuffing and repressing

his anger?

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

© Hazelden Foundation.
(more writing space on next page) All rights reserved.

SESSION 11 << PAGE 11

LIVING IN BALANCE

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

2. What might happen to Chen if he tries to keep pretending

that nothing was wrong?

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

3. Is there a way for Chen to stop feeling angry even though

they agree that Ming will still pick up the checks for the
time being?

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

PAGE 12 >> SESSION 11

 ANGER AND COMMUNICATION

Part 2: Expressing Anger

Negative Ways to Express Anger

It is important to share feelings with others, especially family
members, friends, and other people in recovery. But how you
share those feelings is equally important. Expressing anger does LEARNER OBJECTIVES
FOR PART 2:
not mean trying to hurt someone else. The goal of expressing
You will
anger is to let the other person know how you feel, not to make • recognize negative
the other person angry or upset. The list of negative ways of ways to express anger.

expressing anger that you’ll read next can sometimes make the • understand how to be
assertive and improve
problem worse rather than better. These illustrate ways that
communication.
are intended to hurt other people and make them feel bad. • understand positive ways
to express your anger.

EXERCISE 9

Please check the ways you may have expressed anger in the past.

Blaming and attacking

“It’s your own fault.”
“You mess everything up around here.”
“You are just too stupid to get it right.”

Sarcasm
“If that’s the best you can do, please don’t help me!”
“I guess you’re happy now.”
“Boy, you sure did a great job!”

Exaggerations
“You always mess up our plans.”
“You never think of my feelings, just your own.”
“You’re always late. You take forever to pick me up.”

Yelling, screaming, and using abusive language

“I hate you!”
“You stupid son-of-a-bitch!”
“I wish I had never met you!”

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

SESSION 11 << PAGE 13

LIVING IN BALANCE

Withdrawal and pouting

“No, nothing’s wrong.”
“I just want to be alone, that’s all. It’s not you.”
“You just go ahead without me. I’ll be all right.”

Projecting guilt
“You just didn’t try hard enough.”
“I knew I shouldn’t have counted on you.”
“If you only tried harder.”

“You” statements
“You make me so angry when you come home late.”
“You make me feel so worthless.”
“You annoy me with your attitude.”

Physical violence
Hitting
Throwing objects
Making threats

EXERCISE 10

Please answer the following questions:

1. Think back to a time when you were angry and used one
or more of these ways of expressing anger. What were you
trying to accomplish? How did you want the other person
to feel?

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

PAGE 14 >> SESSION 11

 ANGER AND COMMUNICATION

2. What kinds of exaggerations have you used when you were

angry with someone?

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

3. When you were a child, was yelling and screaming

common in your family?
Yes    No

Is it a common part of your family today?

Yes    No

Do you believe that this behavior is healthy?

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

4. Have you ever hurt someone by expressing your anger?

Yes    No  

Where do you think you learned to do this?

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________
© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

SESSION 11 << PAGE 15

LIVING IN BALANCE

5. What makes “you” statements a negative way of communi-

cating? What might work better?

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

6. When someone else uses a negative way of communicating

with you, how do you feel?

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

Learning to Be Assertive
Everyone needs to be assertive at times. By being assertive,
you may be able to protect yourself from certain events and
stressors that could hurt you and your recovery. Assertiveness
can improve communication by allowing others to realize how
you feel about a certain event or situation and why.
Alcohol and other drugs make it difficult to learn to be
assertive in a positive way. Recovering people who have low
self-esteem often find it hard to recognize and assert their rights.
Some people may feel that they are worthless or not good enough.
But everyone has some basic personal rights.
Everyone needs to be
For example, you have the right to
assertive at times.
• express your own needs.
• say no.
• change your mind.

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

PAGE 16 >> SESSION 11

 ANGER AND COMMUNICATION

• ask for help.

• reject or accept advice as you see fit.
• respond to criticism.
• complain if you feel you are being treated unfairly.
• make time for yourself.
• be wrong.

By being assertive, you can make a point without being offensive,

manipulative, or hurtful.

EXERCISE 11

Please answer the following questions:

1. How hard is it for you to stand up for yourself?

What, if anything, makes it difficult?

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

2. What are some situations when you should be assertive

but don’t really feel like doing so?

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

SESSION 11 << PAGE 17

LIVING IN BALANCE

Finding Better Ways to Express Your Anger

If you express anger in a negative way, people will be less likely
to listen to you. A negative expression of anger often makes the
person it’s directed at angry too.
Consider this statement: “You make me furious when you
act irresponsible.” How would you feel if someone said that to
you? There are a couple of problems with this way of expressing
anger. First, no one makes another person feel emotions. People
have certain feelings because of their beliefs about a situation.
Second, because it uses the word you, the statement becomes
an accusation. It puts the listener on the defensive.
A better way to express your feelings in this situation might
be to use an “I feel” statement. “I feel” statements are very simple
ways of expressing even strong feelings without attacking the
other person. They consist of two main parts: (1) stating how you
feel about (2) a specific incident.
An “I feel” statement does not begin with the word you. It
An “I feel” statement does not attack the other person, but simply conveys how you
does not begin with feel. The “I feel” statement should only mention how you feel
the word you. It does when a specific thing happens. Because the “I feel” statement
not attack the other specifically mentions how you feel, no one can argue with the
person, but simply statement. No one can tell you how you do or don’t feel.
conveys how you feel.
The “I feel” statement should mention incidents that are as
specific as possible. Rather than saying, “I get mad when you
act childish,” a person could say, “I feel insecure and angry
when you slam the door and walk out.”
The “I feel” statement should not be an accusation or an
assumption. Don’t say, “I get mad when you walk out—you don’t
care about me.” Rather, state how you feel when a specific inci-
dent occurs: “I get frustrated when our conversation is suddenly
finished because you walk out.” The “I feel” statement doesn’t
blame; it just states facts about your feelings.

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

PAGE 18 >> SESSION 11

 ANGER AND COMMUNICATION

These are some examples of “I feel” statements:

• “I feel angry when you come home at 11 p.m.,
after the kids are asleep.”
• “I feel embarrassed when you bring people over to
the apartment for dinner without talking to me about
it first.”
• “I feel frustrated when I get into the car and there
is no gas.”

EXERCISE 12

Please create “I feel” statements that apply to your life. Select feelings
from the list that apply or write in your own.

Angry Sad Anxious Glad

Furious Depressed Concerned Happy
Confused Irritated Unhappy Distressed
Pleased Resentful Irate Lonely
Troubled Delighted Jealous Mad
Dismal Uneasy Excited Guilty
Annoyed Dejected Apprehensive Upbeat
Frustrated Exasperated Impatient Cheerful
Awkward Enraged Hurt Upset
Fearful Comfortable Ashamed
Disappointed Nervous Joyful

1. I feel ______________ when _______________________________.

2. I feel ______________ when _______________________________.

3. I feel ______________ when _______________________________.

4. I feel ______________ when _______________________________.

5. I feel ______________ when _______________________________.

6. I feel ______________ when _______________________________.

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

SESSION 11 << PAGE 19

LIVING IN BALANCE

7. I feel ______________ when _______________________________.

8. I feel ______________ when _______________________________.

9. I feel ______________ when _______________________________.

10. I feel ______________ when _______________________________.

11. I feel ______________ when _______________________________.

12. I feel ______________ when _______________________________.

Session 11 Summary

In this session, you have considered important aspects

regarding anger, including the physical symptoms of
anger and unhealthy ways in which you might express
anger. You reviewed healthy ways to express anger.
Because these are personal and emotional issues, you
may have found it somewhat challenging. However,
as you proceeded through this session, you learned an
important skill: how to express anger in a healthy way
and not harm your recovery.

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

PAGE 20 >> SESSION 11

 Role-Play Exercise:
Expressing Anger

Preparation

Select two volunteers from the group. One person plays Monica, and
the other plays her fourteen-year-old daughter, Christina. Act out the
following scene:

Background and Scene

Monica is pregnant with her third child. She is sitting at the kitchen
table and has obviously been recently drinking beer and smoking
cigarettes. She is angry because Christina is ignoring her instruction
to turn the volume down on the television. She drags Christina into the
kitchen, demanding to know whether she has finished her homework.
Christina has not. Monica yells at her daughter, saying, “You will never
amount to anything! You are lazy! You never do anything!”

Christina replies, “I must be just like you. You just sit around, drink, and
smoke. That’s all you do.” Monica slaps her.

Christina continues, explaining what will happen to Monica’s new baby

if she keeps drinking. She describes the video she saw in school that
depicted babies born with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. Monica
refuses to listen and tells Christina to shut up and respect her.

After some time has passed, both mother and daughter calm down.
Monica explains that she does not want Christina to make the same
mistakes she did. Christina empathizes. Monica decides she needs to try
harder. She resolves to go to a support group. Christina offers to help
her.

Suggested Questions

1. What are some of the ways in which Monica may be dealing with
her anger?
2. What are some of the healthy ways in which both Monica and
Christina could have expressed themselves?

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

SESSION 11 << PAGE 21

 Role-Play Exercise:
Anger and Communication

Preparation

Select two volunteers from the group, one male and one female. One
person plays Juan, a recovering alcoholic, and the other plays his wife,
Cecilia. Act out the following scene:

Background and Scene

Juan has been sober for several months, but he seems angry all the
time. He is not drinking, but he is not going to self-help meetings. He
stopped going to aftercare sessions at the treatment program.

Today, his wife is an hour late coming home from the mall. When she
gets home, he becomes very angry with her, demanding to know why
she is late. She tries to explain that she was shopping for school clothes
for their son.

Juan is red in the face. His heart is racing. His breathing gets faster
and harder. He seems explosive. He yells, “You don’t care about my
feelings. I am just a paycheck to you.” He says that he is unhappy at
his job because his boss treats him poorly. But he says that he cannot
quit because Cecilia likes to shop.

Cecilia begins to cry and tries unsuccessfully to make Juan feel less
angry. However, doing so only makes Juan feel even angrier.

Suggested Questions

1. What are some of Juan’s biological signs of anger?

2. What are some of the reasons why Juan is so angry?
3. What are some of the things that Cecilia can do to deal
with Juan’s anger?

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

SESSION 11 << PAGE 23

 Role-Play Exercise:
More Anger and Communication

Preparation

Select two volunteers from the group. One person plays Jim, and the
other plays Joan. Act out the following scene:

Background and Scene

Jim and Joan have been together for about a year. Jim was married
before and is the father of a son by his previous wife. Because of his
cocaine addiction, Jim had temporarily lost visitation rights with his
son. Now that he is in recovery, he has been granted the right to have
his son on weekends.

Since Jim’s son has started visiting on weekends, there has been some
tension between Jim and Joan. Joan has become very irritable and
short-tempered. It is not fully obvious to either of them that Joan has
become jealous of Jim’s son.

Joan has made plans to surprise Jim with a special evening out. She
does not realize that Jim had planned to have his son spend this
weekend with them. Joan is dressed up and expecting Jim to come
home alone after work. However, Jim shows up a little late, and with
his son. Joan is surprised and disappointed because she wanted to have a
special evening with just the two of them.

Version one. Joan uses the following poor ways of expressing anger:
blaming, attacking, sarcasm, exaggerations, and projecting guilt. Jim
gets angry and attacks back.

Version two. Joan tells Jim about her anger, but uses “I feel” state-
ments. In fact, by using her “I feel” statements, they are able to talk
about jealousy. Jim expresses his desire for Joan to become more
involved with his son. In addition to talking openly about their situation,
they also quickly plan a special night out that includes all three of them.

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

SESSION 11 << PAGE 25

 Suggested Questions

1. In both situations, Joan is angry and disappointed. In which situa-

tion does Joan truly tell Jim how she feels?
2. In which situation will Jim and Joan be able to work things out?
3. What are some of the advantages of using “I feel” statements?

© Hazelden Foundation.
All rights reserved.

PAGE 26 >> SESSION 11