David Eldridge

Beginning

Bloomsbury Methuen Drama

An imprint of Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
BLOOMSBURY
LONDON • OXFORD • NEW YORK • NEW DELHI • SYDNEY
Beginning was first produced in the Dorfman Theatre at the
National Theatre, London, on 12th October 2017. The
production transferred to the Ambassadors Theatre in
London's West End on 15 January 2018
Laura Justine Mitchell
Danny Sam Troughton
Director Polly Findlay
Designer Fly Davis
Lighting Designer Jack Knowles
Sound Designer Paul Arditti
Movement Naomi Said
Associate Director Joe Lichtenstein
'Who knows what true loneliness is - not the conventional word,
but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask.
The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion.'
Joseph Conrad, Under Western Eyes (1911)

Martha If you wasn't here with me tonight I'd go to the pictures.

Otto What's on?
Martha 'Ben Hur'. It's an oldie, must be ten years since I saw it,
but it's a film you never forget. You ever seen it?
Otto No.
Franz Xaver Kroetz, Through the Leaves (1976)
trans. Anthony Vivis (2003)

The play takes place in a real room, and in real time - but stage
directions are indicative, not prescriptive.

With thanks to Dominic Cooke and Robert Holman.

For Caroline Winder
Late autumn, 2015.
The large living room of a flat in Crouch End, London.
It encompasses a lounge area and kitchen.
It's a bit of a mess. There's been some sort of party. It's late, the
early hours.
Standing is Laura, 38. This is her place. She's drinking wine.
Looking at her, drinking a bottle of Peroni, is Danny, 42.
They look at each other for a long time, for as long as you think you
can get away with.
They both jump as a door bangs downstairs.
He begins to wander a bit in the room, drinking. He evidently came
to the party after work as he's in a shirt and trousers and smart shoes.
Though his jacket and tie were dispensed some time ago.
He has a big ketchup stain on his shirt and is a bit nervous.
Silence.
Laura sits down. Danny doesn't know what to do so he lights
up a cigarette.
Laura You didn't fancy it then?
Silence.
Danny Fancy what?
Laura Getting in the taxi?
Danny No.
Silence.
Laura Why's that then?
Danny Don't know.
Laura Don't know?
Danny Keith told me to stay and finish my drink.
4 Beginning

Laura Keith told you?

Danny Well he said 'stay and finish your drink'.
Laura Right.
Danny That all right?
Laura Yes.
Laura smiles and puts down her wine.
Danny Nice place.
Laura Thanks.
Danny To be honest I said I'd get it.
Laura Get what?
Danny The taxi.
Laura What?
Silence.
Danny Well, you know ...
Laura What?
Danny I thought he was stopping the night.
Laura Right.
Laura laughs.
Danny You see the trouble with me ...
Laura What?
Danny I've got no radar.
Laura No radar?
Danny No.
Silence.
Well it's not that I've not got one at all.
 Beginning 5

Laura Right?
Danny It just doesn't pick up a lot.
Silence.
Laura Danny, what the fuck?
Silence.
Danny You know, 'your radar'.
Laura I don't know, Danny.
Danny Your 'man radar' ... And my ... 'woman radar'.
Silence.
Laura Oh ...
Silence.
Danny I curse it sometimes.
Silence.
Two people could literally be clambering ...
Laura Do people honestly .. .
Danny Like clambering .. .
Laura Do people honestly clamber?
Danny You know, to get across the room to get to one
aother. And I wouldn't notice!
Laura No.
Silence.
Danny No radar, see?
Laura No. No radar.
Laura retakes her wine and has a drink.
Danny I said, honest, I said 'Keith, I'll have the cab back
home, you're bang in there'.
6 Beginning

Laura 'You're bang in there?'

Danny Yeah!
Laura With who?
Danny With you?
Laura I wanted you, Danny.
Silence.
Danny Oh.
Silence.
Like I said ... no ... radar.
Silence.
Laura No, Danny.
Silence.
Danny It's why I've taken up internet dating.
Silence.
That 'Plenty of Fish'. Dear me.
Silence.
At least you know where you stand.
Laura Hardly, Danny.
Danny Have you?
Laura At least if you meet a fella at a bar. Or a party. You
can look him in the eye. And make a judgement.
Silence.
Danny Well they either like you or they don't.
Silence.
Laura He's not my friend by the way ...
Danny Who?
 Beginning 7

Laura Keith.
Danny No?
Laura He's just someone I know.
Danny Right ...
Laura He told you we're friends, right?
Danny Yes he did ...
Laura We're not. I've declined friend requests. On
several occasions.
Danny Harsh bitch.
Laura gives him a look.
Silence.
Danny Like obviously you're not a harsh bitch, harsh bitch.
Laura I should think not ...
Danny Like obviously you're not ...
Laura Well I'm relieved you don't think I'm a harsh bitch.
Silence.
Danny I'm not sure you've got my sense of humour.
Silence.
Keith's a bit of an odd one. A cryptic one.
Laura A bullshitter ...
Danny Sometimes I just say to him 'spit it out mate'.
Laura A blagger ...
Danny There's no need to be so fucking spooky, is there?
Laura Like a monumental and bare-faced liar ...
Danny Laura, I know he's a cunt but he's my mate ...
Laura Alright.
8 Beginning

Danny Like he's my mate.

Laura And he's a bit of a major wally.
Danny Babe, babe. Since when has someone being a major
wally disqualified them from being your best mate?
Laura laughs.
Danny Exactly.
Laura To be fair there were quite a few major wally's here
tonight. That I've not only accepted friend requests from
but I've requested friendships from.
Danny But you'll notice I'm keeping my opinions to
myself ...
Laura You don't like my friends?
Danny Babe ...
Laura Don't babe me, you don't know me.
Silence.

Danny All I was saying is, is thinking about it, Keith has
actually probably got a sort on the go ...
Laura What are you talking about?
Silence.

Danny It's what I was saying.

Laura About what?
Silence.

Does he even know where his dick is?

Danny Who?
Laura Are you for real?
Danny What?
Laura Keith ...
 Beginning 9

Danny Laura ...

Laura What?
. Danny That's who I'm talking about. I know him of old.
I know his moods and his moves.
Laura He slept with a girl on my team ...
Danny I don't understand why he has to hide it. Tell your
mates, Keith. Then we all share the joy.
Silence.
With Keith you only find out about it once he's dumped
them. Or if he's got the right hump. Because they've
dumped him.
Silence.
Laura She quite liked him.
Danny Who?
Laura The girl on my team.
Danny Did she?
I

Laura She got off with him at our summer party. There
was a Bollywood theme and she did look quite nice in a sari.
Anyway, he went round to see her on the Sunday and she
did a shoulder of lamb.
Danny A shoulder of lamb?
Laura I know. She got it from Budgens.
Silence.
Danny Well he's never once mentioned a shoulder of lamb.
Laura He had the roast, shagged her and then drove
home. And then he ignored her texts and calls. She ended
up sending him this long embarrassing e-mail.
Danny Shit.
10 Beginning

Laura I know, I said don't click and send. But the young
ones don't listen to you ...
Danny No.
Laura She clicked and sent.
Danny That won't go down well with Keith.
Laura Why?
Danny Well he's like a hedgehog in that situation ...
Laura A hedgehog? A fucking hedgehog?
Danny Well ...
Laura Within a day she went from feeling a bit shit but
essentially being in the right to feeling like a complete tool.
Danny I feel for her ...
Laura You don't ...
Danny I know how that feels.
Silence.
They sound quite well suited.
Laura laughs.
Laura Like she's got self-esteem issues anyway.
Danny Oh God ...
Laura And like it compounded them. Massively.
Danny If a bird told me she had self-esteem issues ...
Laura What?
Danny In the blink of an eye I'd run a fucking mile.
Silence.
Laura To be fair I read the e-mail.
Laura laughs.
 Beginning 11

Danny Oh, was it cringe?

Laura Oh, it was so cringe. And it made her sound like a
lunatic. You know - and she'd been in the right.
Silence.
Danny Oh well, he probably just changed his mind.
I would.
Laura Do you have any idea what that does to a woman?
Danny What?
Laura That kind of rejection ...
Danny Well we've all had a fucking knock back ...
Laura She was going out of her mind.
Danny Well ...
Laura What?
Danny I didn't do it.
Laura But he's your mate?
Danny And?
Silence.
She probably overcooked the lamb. He's a bit finicky with his
grub is Keith.
Danny laughs.
Danny What?
Laura You sexist, patronising, dick. You're as bad as him.
Silence.
Danny Anyway, I'll have another Peroni ...
Laura If you think I'm opening your bottle for you again
you can do one mate ...
Danny And then I'll get myself a taxi if that's alright, Laura?
12 Beginning

Danny drains away the lager.

Silence.
He goes to the fridge. It's pretty sparse in the fridge. There's no
Peroni but he takes a can of Stella.
He's clumsy and drops it and then without thinking picks it up and
opens it. Lager froths out and spills everywhere.
Silence.
Danny Sorry.
Laura I'm getting rid of the carpet anyway.
Danny I am sorry.
Silence.
Laura Don't worry.
Danny I am sorry, Laura.
Laura Forget it.
Danny I'll pay.
Laura Don't be silly. I had the party.
Silence.
I wanted you to stay.
Danny What d'you want me to stay for?
Laura laughs.
Laura Don't be a dick.
Silence.
Danny I often think the world would be a better place if
people were more modest about their sexual prowess.
Silence.
Laura You often think that?
 Beginning 13

Danny And?
Laura I often think the world would be a better place if
there was peace and no war. If sexual discrimination in the
workplace ended. In fact, if there was genuine gender
equality and no racism or discrimination of any kind. If
children were free from poverty and all kids had a good
education. If migrants were welcome. If we got rid of
Trident. In fact, if we got rid of all nuclear weapons. If
people picked up their litter. If people stopped eating so
much red meat. If people were kind and compassionate and
considerate and generally nicer. All of those things would
make the world a better place. But hey, that's just me.
Silence.

Danny So ... what like ... made you want to buy in

Crouch End?
Silence.

He drinks. Laura pours more wine. She drinks.

Silence.

Danny You sure you want me to stay?

Laura Yes.
Danny You sure?
Laura nods.
Danny You don't know me?
Laura And?
Silence.

Danny Well I have to say, I was bit, you know, shy about
coming to your do.
Laura I told Keith he could bring someone.
Danny I'm only sorry I didn't bring a card.
14 Beginning

Laura Don't worry.

Danny It's a bit shit, like coming and not ...
Silence.
Laura Honestly don't worry.
Danny I did bring a bottle.
Laura I know you did.
Danny It's a lovely flat.
Laura Thanks.
Danny I bet it's not cheap.
Laura No.
Danny You've popped my Crouch End cherry.
Laura A pleasure.
Silence.
Danny drinks and starts to cough as it's gone down the wrong hole.
Laura whacks him on the back. Some lager comes up. He coughs
loads.
Laura You alright?
Danny Fucking wrong hole ...
Laura laughs.
Laura Not the first time I've heard that excuse.
Danny I could have died.
Silence.
The penny drops and Danny blushes and starts to cough again. He
composes himself.
Laura It's only a bit of smut, Danny.
Silence.
 Beginning 15

Danny I think the Chablis' is still in there.

Danny goes to the fridge and looks.
Laura Well why don't you open it for me and come and sit
next to me?
Silence.
It's a bit sad.
Danny That yoghurt's gonna get up and walk out of there
in a minute.
Laura Get the wine and shut the door.
Danny Is that a kiwi fruit?
Laura Probably.
Danny Do you need to refrigerate a kiwi fruit?
Laura I don't know.
Danny My mum has hers in the fruit bowl.
Laura Does she?
Danny She loves a bit of kiwi fruit on her porridge.
Laura Does she?
Danny And a banana.
Laura If you leave that fridge door open much longer
everything will go off.
Danny There's nothing to go off!
He does as he's told.
Silence.
You want to look after yourself a bit more.
Laura What?
Danny Get some proper food in.
16 Beginning

Laura It's a waste of money on your own ...

Danny What?
Laura You end up chucking it away ...
Danny What?
Laura Danny, the wine.
Danny puts down his can and gets the wine from the fridge.
He looks around for a bottle opener. He can't find one.
Laura I don't bother with a weekly shop.
Laura spots one near her and throws it to him, which he catches with
his free hand.
Danny celebrates the catch.
Danny Botham style.
Silence.
Laura Was Ian Botham noted for catching the ball?
Danny I'm not really a cricket man.
Laura I assume you're referring to Ian Botham?
Danny Indeed.
Danny gets to work opening the wine. He breaks the cork as he tries
to get it out.
He struggles trying to get the other half of the cork out but can't.
Laura Just push it in.
Danny uses an arm of the bottle opener to push the broken cork into
the wine.
Danny lifts up the wine bottle to inspect it.
Danny Sorry.
Laura Don't worry.
 Beginning 17

Danny I am really sorry.

Laura Stop saying sorry.
Danny I am such a dick.
Laura You are.
Danny Thanks.
Laura No problem.
Danny I'll get my coat.
Laura Don't be a dick.
Danny I know.
Laura Come and sit down next to me and pour me a glass.
Danny does as he's told. He pours her wine but doesn't sit too
near her.
She drinks.
Silence.
He gets up and goes to retrieve his beer. He looks at the carpet.
Danny I think some cunt's put a fag out on your carpet.
Laura Don't say that word.
Danny Sorry.
Laura I don't mind you swearing. I swear. I just don't like
that word.
Danny I'm sorry.
Silence.
Laura Don't be sorry, just don't say it. I don't like it.
Silence.
Danny Yeah my mum loves a kiwi fruit.
Silence.
18 Beginning

Laura Don't you want to kiss me?

Danny Well ...
Laura Don't you want to?
Danny Well I do ...
Laura Well come and be with me.
Silence.
Danny You're quite forward.
Laura I think you're hot. You're handsome.
Danny Thanks.
Laura I mean it.
Danny Thanks.
Laura I don't believe any of that bollocks about Keith and
the taxi.
Danny Oh no, it wasn't bollocks.
Silence.
Laura You honestly couldn't tell I liked you tonight?
Danny I told you. I've got no fucking radar.
Silence.
Laura Alright.
Danny I'm not forward like you.
Silence.
Laura You don't know me.
Danny No, I don't. And you don't know me.
Laura Have you got a problem with a woman being
forward?
Danny No.
 Beginning 19

Silence.
Danny shakes his head and starts to laugh.
Silence.
Laura What?
Danny What?
Laura You can't just laugh. And then stop laughing. And
not say anything.
Danny What?
Laura You'll make me paranoid.
Danny It was just something silly.
Laura Like what?
Danny Like I was just imagining my Facebook status
tomorrow.
Laura What?
Danny Like 'Really hot lady told me I was hot ... '
Laura 'Really hot lady'?
Danny And?
Laura Fuck's sake.
Danny 'Really hot lady told me I was hot and she wanted
to sleep with me last night and I didn't shut the fuck up and
I fucked it up.'
Laura What about 'woman'?
Danny What about it?
Laura Woman, Danny, woman.
Silence.

You wouldn't put that on Facebook would you, though?

Danny No!
20 Beginning

Laura Would you though?

Danny No!
Laura Over-sharer!
Danny I was just trying to put it out there ...
Laura What?
Danny The elephant in the room ...
Laura What?
Danny You know?
Laura I don't know ...
Danny You know, don't not say what you're thinking ...
Laura Danny have you got low self-esteem issues?
Danny No.
Silence.
I wouldn't put that on Facebook.
Laura I believe you.
Danny I'm friends on Facebook with my mum and my
nan.
Laura You're friends on Facebook with your nan?
Danny She loves it.
Laura Does she though?
Danny She loves a Facebook 'feeling'!
Laura Does she?
Danny Her favourite Facebook 'feeling' is 'blessed'. She's
always feeling 'blessed'.
Laura Oh my God, it's like Peter Andre on Strictly, do you
watch Strictly?
 Beginning 21

Danny Love it ...

Laura He's always going on about feeling blessed .. .
Danny My mum and my nan both like Peter Andre .. .
Laura I want to meet your nan ...
Danny Maybe you will ...
Laura What does your nan say on Facebook?
Danny Well she mostly has rants about the Labour party
and makes the odd inappropriate comment ...
Laura Oh my God, is your nan in the Labour party?
Danny She is . . .
Laura I'm in the Labour party ...
Danny I'm the apple of her eye and all that, but she thinks
I'm a bit Tory boy ...
Laura She's not racist or anything like that is she?
Danny Course she's not ...
Laura Oh I didn't mean she was like racist ...
Danny She's in the Labour party ...
Laura It's oldies on Facebook, you know?
Silence.

Danny She likes Downton and she says things like: 'I'd ride
the Earl of Grantham'.
Laura No!
Danny She does and she posts it on my wall!
Laura No!
Danny I don't even like Downton!
Laura No way!
22 Beginning

Danny It's shit!

Laura How old is your nan?
Danny Ninety-two.
Laura holds her hand up for a high five. Danny high fives her and
then walks away.
Silence.
Laura My cousin's a bit embarrassing on Facebook. She's
really right-wing. I wasn't being rude about your nan. She
sounds amazing.
Silence.
Danny She is.
Silence.
Laura My cousin's a bit racist. Like it's bad enough but you
don't want it on your time line, do you?
Silence.
Danny My mum says it's early stages of Alzheimer's ...
Laura What is?
Danny But it's not.
Laura What?
Danny My nan. I said to my mum 'it's not, if it was early
stages of Alzheimer's she wouldn't be able to use the
computer'.
Silence.
Laura What about your dad?

Danny Oh he left when I was seven.

Laura Oh.
Silence.
 Beginning 23

Danny I can't talk about him.

Laura Why?
Danny It's broken my heart my whole life.
His eyes fill up.
Danny So do you like knock on doors and deliver leaflets?
Laura Who for?
Danny I thought you were in the Labour party?
Laura I only joined in August ...
Danny Oh ...
Laura I haven't got any time, Danny. And anyway, I can be
much more politically active on social media. I mean, I have
to be careful. Because I represent my company in those
spaces and on those platforms. But still. You're not a Tory
are you?
Danny Would it matter if I was?
Laura Because I'm totally with Jeremy.
Silence.
Danny I'm not. I'm not anything. To be honest I don't give
a shit about politics. They're all liars. No one's interested in
real change. I'm sorry, Laura, I just can't talk about my dad.
Silence.
Laura You alright?
Danny I'm not used to this.
Silence.
Laura Man up.
Silence.
Sorry, that was mean.
24 Beginning

Silence.
I am sorry. That was a bit harsh.
Silence.
I think things do get better, Danny. Things will get better.
You know this time next year what's going to happen in
America?
Danny What?
Laura America is going to elect a woman President for the
first time in its history. And then the whole world will know
things have moved forwards. For women. For everyone.
Silence.
Danny Shall we just ... Shall I just call a cab?
Laura No. Don't.
Silence.
Danny She's on Twitter an'all.
Laura Who is?
Danny My nan.
Laura kills herself laughing.
Silence.
You're winding me up now.
Danny She is!
Laura She's not!
Danny She is! She does her own hashtag. Nan-tweets.
Laura You're winding me up!
Danny She loves it ... She gets into spats with Owen Jones
and everything.
Laura looks at him. Danny starts to laugh.
 Beginning 25

Danny Got to admit, I am winding you up.

Laura laughs.
Silence.
Laura I bet your profile picture is like, you at the
Olympics, or you with a pie ...
Danny It's not.
Laura No?
Danny It's me and my daughter.
Silence.
Laura Oh right. You're ...
Danny Yes.
Silence.
Laura Right.
Danny Is that a problem?
Laura No I just didn't ...
Danny Think I ...
Laura Yes.
Silence.
What's her name?
Danny Annabel.
Laura That's a nice name.
Danny Thanks. I chose it.
Silence.
Laura How old is she?
Danny Seven.
26 Beginning

Danny takes out his iPhone and shows Laura a picture of his
daughter.

Laura She's so cute ...

Danny She's three there . . .
Laura Is that a frog on her jumper?
Danny No it's a rabbit.
Laura Are you sure?
Danny I bought it for her.
Laura Sorry.
Danny Frogs are generally green.
Silence.

Laura Don't you see her?

Danny No. Unfortunately not.
Silence.

Laura I'm sorry.

Silence.

Sometimes I hate Facebook so much. It's like death by

Facebook.
Silence.

Danny I know.
Silence.

Laura It's like, if I see another one of my friends, or

randoms from Uni, making more cupcakes, or on a
trampoline in their huge garden, with their kids ... I'll like
- scream.
Silence.
 Beginning 27

Danny Even pretend happy families look better than my

life most of the time.
Silence.
Laura Does that make me sound bitter?
Danny No.
Laura I sound bitter don't I?
- Danny No.
Laura I'm not bitter.
Danny Do I sound bitter?
Laura No.
Silence.
Danny considers the room.
Danny You're alright here.
Laura It's nice. Or it will be when it's done.
Danny Do you own this place then?
Laura Yes.
Silence.
Danny Wow.
Silence.
Laura It's only a one-bed.
Danny Still, nice area, Laura.
Laura I like it.
Danny Crouch End ...
Laura It's great.
Danny Muswell Hill ... Highgate.
Laura I feel very lucky.
28 Beginning

Danny Innit though? It's the pesto triangle.

Laura laughs.
Silence.
Laura Do you live in Essex as well then?
Danny Yep.
Silence.
Laura I don't mean to pry.
Danny No, it's fine.
Laura You don't share with Keith?
Danny No, he's an animal.
Laura He is pretty gross when he wants to be.
Danny He sits on the khazi with the bathroom door open
and covers up with a copy of Four Four Two.
Laura Er, gross.
Danny The man is forty-one years of age. It's no wonder
his wife had enough of him.
Laura I never met her.
Silence.
Danny I don't know how Happy puts up with him.
Laura Who's Happy?
Danny Harry, another one of our mates. From school. He's
on his own as well, though he doesn't care. That boy does
not want for skirt.

Laura For skirt?

Danny What's wrong with that?
 Beginning 29

Laura Like do you think you're Michael Caine or

something? 'Alright geezer ... Sound as a pound ... Sound
as a pound.'
Danny No.
Laura Like am I 'a nice piece of skirt'? Am I though?
Silence.
Danny No.
Silence.
Laura Well Harry sounds like a right charmer.
Danny Fireman Sam, innit?
Silence.
So Keith's your client, right?
Laura Yes he is.
Silence.
Danny He proper made out that you're friends.
Silence.
Laura We took Keith out for lunch. And we all got a bit
trashed. And I said I was having a housewarming. And he
sort of invited himself.
Danny That's Keith alright.
Laura He asked me if he could bring a friend.
Danny He bothered to ask then?
Laura I thought it was a bit of a cheek. But I thought what
the fuck?
Danny Why not?
Laura New people. All that.
Silence.

So you're divorced?
30 Beginning

Danny lam.
Silence.
Laura Recently?
Danny Well obviously not.
Silence.
Laura I don't know, do I?
Silence.
Danny I've not seen Annabel since she was three.
Laura Oh shit. Really?
Silence.
Danny I live back at home with my mum.
Silence.
Laura In Upminster?
Danny Did I . . .?
Laura No Keith ...
Danny Oh. It's alright. I still like it. I'm really fond of it.
It's Upminster Bridge really.
Laura I wouldn't know the difference.
Silence.
Danny I'll get my coat then.
Laura Don't be silly.
Danny Yep well ...
Laura I really don't give a shit.
Danny Seriously?
Laura I like you.
Silence.
 Beginning 31

Danny Seriously, I think I will.

Laura You don't meet anyone when you're our age who
hasn't got a story.
Danny I feel quite ... Er ... Exposed.
Silence.
Laura I've got a story.
Silence.
Obviously nothing like your story.
Danny Thanks.
Silence.

Danny I suppose I've got my baggage. You've got your

baggage.
. Laura Thanks for that.
Laura laughs.
Silence.

Laura Danny?
Danny Yeah.
Laura Hello?
Danny Sorry.
Silence.

Danny Shall we have a bit of a tidy up?

Laura laughs.
Danny What?
Laura Come and kiss me. You lemon.
Silence.

Laura Do you like me?

32 Beginning

Danny I think you're great.

Laura Do you like me?
Danny I can't relax in here, it's like a bomb's hit it.
Laura What?
Silence.
You've been looking at me all night.
Danny Well, you know ...
Laura Come and kiss me.
Silence.
Danny Where are the bin bags?
Silence.
Where are they, Laura?
Laura You are such a dick.
Silence.
Danny Let's just have a tidy up. First.
Silence.
Laura They're under the sink.
Danny goes to the cupboard under the sink and fishes them out.
Danny You don't get me.
Laura I don't.
Danny I don't just jump into bed with girls.
Silence.
Laura Evidently.
Silence.
Danny Alright?
 Beginning 33

Laura Okay.
Danny Alright?
Laura Got it. Loud and clear.
Silence.
Danny Like I'm not saying I wouldn't like to.
Laura Thanks.
Danny Like I'm not giving you the brush off.
Laura I get it.
Danny I'm not playing games.
Laura Okay.
Danny I don't play games. I like to be in the mood.
Sometimes men like to be in the mood as well.
Laura I tell you what, tidying up's really going to put me
in the mood.
Silence.

Well, shall we have a tidy up then or not?

Silence.
Danny You're pretty fit.
Laura Thanks.
Danny I mean it.
Laura Thanks.
Danny I mean I totally would. I mean I totally want to.
Laura Thank you very much kind sir.
Danny I like your hair, Jessie J. It's nice.
Silence.

Like not every bloke is like a dog with two dicks, Laura.
34 Beginning

Laura I get it.

Danny Don't get me wrong. I've thought about you. In
certain filthy ways in the last half an hour.
Laura Nice.
Silence.
-Danny It's been a long time, alright?
Laura Okay.
Danny I like you.
Laura Thanks.
Danny I wouldn't normally ever say this ...
Laura Say what?
Silence.

Danny To be fair I'm a bit poorly maintained in the area of

the groin.
Laura What?
Danny What?
Laura You're poorly maintained in the area of the groin?
Silence.

Danny Fuck's sake.

Laura What?
Danny You know ...
Laura Danny, I don't know.
Silence.

Danny Put two and two together ...

Laura I've got no idea what you're talking about ...
Danny I'm poorly maintained in the area of the groin ...
 Beginning 35

Laura What you've got a problem down there?

Danny No!
Laura Well what then?
Danny I can't ...
Silence.
Laura What?
Danny It's been a long time. Like a really long time.
Silence.
Laura Since you've had sex?
Danny Since I even kissed someone.
Silence.
Laura Is that all?
Danny Oh man.
Silence.
Laura Don't be silly.
Silence.
You know, mate, you need a woman who tells you when to
shut the fuck up.
Silence.
Laura gets up and takes a bin bag from the roll in Danny's hands.
They begin tidying up. They tidy up the rubbish from half the room.
It takes the time it takes. Glasses, crockery and cutlery get deposited
by the sink. Everything else goes in the bin bag.
They're both dying in the silence. Danny eventually breaks it.
Danny The sausage rolls were absolutely top drawer, by
the way. I thought when I have housewarming for my own
place. When I get one again. You know, when I'm with
36 Beginning

someone. That's what I'll do. A buffet like that. Salami.

Artichokes. Mushroom crostini. But you still need your
sausage rolls. Your cheese and pineapple. Class that, Laura.
I had three of them. And I love a Scotch egg.
Laura I love a Scotch egg.
Danny Really, it's your favourite?
Laura I have been known to smuggle a Scotch egg out of
the pub in my pocket.
Danny I love a scotch egg.
Laura So do I.
Danny Good. We've got that in common.
Danny laughs. So does Laura. They look at each other.
Silence.
Danny And 'I love a cheeseball.'
Laura 'I love a cheeseball.'
Danny 'I love a cheeseball.'
Laura laughs hard, getting the reference.
Laura 'Do you like cheeseballs?'
Danny 'I love a bag of crisps.'
Laura 'Mega.'
Danny 'Love them.'
Laura laughs.
Silence.
Laura I see you had a bit of an accident earlier?
Danny Tell me about it. Tomato ketchup's always been my
Achilles heel.
Laura What?
 Beginning 37

Danny When I was a kid my mum always refused to buy

me a hot dog.
They continue tidying up until all the dirty washing-up is deposited
by the sink and on the work surface and all the rubbish has been
bagged up.
Danny My nan always bought me a hot dog.
Laura gets down on her knees and begins inspecting the carpet.
Danny It's over there ...
Laura What is?
Danny The fag burn.
Laura heads where he's pointing.
Laura Fuck.
Danny Where are the marigolds?
Laura What?
Danny Well I don't want to just go rifling through your
drawers, Laura.
Laura stands up.
Laura Danny, it's really lovely and you're really lovely ...
Silence.
Danny It won't take long.
Laura But I have to say I've got a strange ominous feeling
that I'm not going to get laid tonight.
Silence.
Danny Don't say that.
Silence.
Laura It's very sweet, Danny.
Silence.
38 Beginning

You are very sweet.

Silence.
We can do the washing-up in the morning. Or I can do it
when you've gone home.
Silence.
It doesn't matter.
Silence.
Can you relax now?
He nods.
Silence.
Laura goes and sits on the sofa. Danny washes out a wine glass
and pours himself some Chablis.
Laura lifts her glass. Danny fills it.
Danny Aren't you pissed?
Laura I've drunk myself sober.
Danny wanders over to the armchair and sits in it.
Silence.
Laura I'm not like this with every guy.
Silence.
Danny Up to you what you do.
Silence.
Laura I don't generally jump on men. I mean, you're not
exactly the best candidate to be jumped on are you?
Danny Thanks, babe.
Silence.
Like I say.
 Beginning 39

Laura What?
Silence.
I'm not like that.
Silence.
I was with someone for ten years. I was though.
Silence.
I've been on my own for the last couple of years.
Silence.
Danny What, you've not had a bit for a couple of years
either?
Laura No.
Danny What no you have, or no you haven't?
Laura I have had sex. Of course I have.
Silence.
Danny Oh.
Laura Is that a problem?
Danny No. Good luck to you.
Laura Good luck to me?
Silence.
Danny I hope you've had loads because I've had fuck all.
Silence.
The most I can say is I've had a long tortured unrequited
love affair with Aliona off Strictly.
Laura You like her?
Silence.
Danny I mean, you've got to admit she's hot.
40 Beginning

Laura shakes her head and really laughs. A bit too hard.
Silence.
Danny picks something out of his teeth and inspects it.
Laura Danny ... Er, gross.
Danny Fucking cork, innit.
Silence.
Danny Me and Aliona in St. Petersburg. Me and Aliona in
Barbados. Me and Aliona in Disneyland with Annabel.
Silence.
Laura Jay's hot.
Danny He's so dull.
Laura He's not. He's got a bit of reserve. A bit of mystery.
Danny Dull. As. Dishwater. A grey man.
Laura You're just jealous.
Danny Damn right I am.
Laura laughs.
Silence.
Laura We can watch Strictly in bed in the morning if
you want?
Silence.
We can watch it on iPlayer.
Silence.
Danny Have you had a look in your bedroom?
Laura Why?
Danny That girl with the hair fell asleep on your bed with
a pint of red wine. And she had a little puke as well. And
then she woke up and scarpered.
 Beginning 41

Laura bolts out of chair and then stops herself.

Laura Fuck it.
Danny Keith told me.
Laura Great.
Danny One of your other mates took pictures and she
FB'd it. It looked quite funny actually. She already had
thirty-five likes after about three minutes.
Silence.
Laura looks at Danny and decides to go back to the sofa.
She drinks.
Laura Well Keith obviously thought it best to warn you
in advance.
Danny Hum.
Laura Considerate.
Danny Suppose so.
Silence.
Who was that girl with the hair?
Laura I work with her.
Danny She's a bit eccentric.
Laura She's alright.
Danny She thinks she's fucking Paloma Faith.
Silence.
Laura Why don't you see your daughter?
Silence.
Laura Why do you live with your mum?
Silence.
42 Beginning

Laura I got pregnant. When I was first with my ex.

Danny Did you?
Laura I didn't keep it. I felt like I was too young at the time.
Silence.
Laura I've only ever told my girlfriends that.
Silence.
Danny Darling, I am your black cab driver for the night.
Laura laughs.
Silence.
Danny Did your ex know?
Laura I wish he didn't.
Silence.
Danny It's a nice flat this flat.
Silence.
Laura It's my third flat. Don't you know, I was Mrs
Sensible and bought when I was twenty-three.
Silence.
Danny Did you buy with your ex?
Laura No, he was Australian.
Danny You know some of those Aussies do actually like
settle down and buy property ...
Laura He moved in with me.
Danny And did he earn his crust?
Laura Why are you saying that?
Silence.
Danny Sorry.
Laura He worked in a bar and did a bit of general
handyman stuff.
 Beginning 43

Silence.
I had an ex-local authority place in Kentish town and then I
sold that. And then I bought a flat in Archway. Although it
was mine and I pretty much paid for everything I couldn't
stay there after we split up. But I couldn't quite give it up.
Until now. I couldn't quite give up Waterlow Park. Does that
sound silly though?
Danny The hardest thing I ever did in my life was walk out
of my home.
Silence.
Laura Will you stay tomorrow?
Danny What?

Laura Don't get up and go tomorrow morning.

Danny Alright.
Silence.
Danny You might want me to.
Laura I won't.
Danny Why?
Laura I can tell.
Danny I might be a shit fuck.
Laura Danny.
Danny What?
Laura I hate Sunday on my own.
Silence.
I can't bear another Sunday on my own with a hangover.
Silence. ·
You want to go now, don't you?
44 Beginning

Danny No.
Laura You do though, don't you?
Danny No.
Laura You've changed your opinion of me.
Danny No.
Laura I can see it all over your face though, Danny.
Danny I haven't.
Laura You think I'm needy now.
Silence.
Danny I don't.
Silence.
I'll have to give my mum a bell.
Silence.
Laura What?
Silence.
Danny In the morning. Otherwise she'll fret. And then
Mum'll be on the phone to nan. And then Nan will be
posting embarrassing messages on my Facebook. And then
they'll both think you're a nightmare. Before they've even
met you.
Silence.
Laura Oh you're going to introduce me to your family are
you?
Silence.
Danny I might do. If you play your cards right.
Silence.
Laura Oh, if I play my cards right?
 Beginning 45

Silence.
Danny Do you believe in love at first sight?
Silence.
Laura Yes.
Silence.
Danny gets up.
Laura Talk to me. Properly.
Silence.
Danny You're too good for me.
Silence.
Laura Even to fuck me?
Danny I only fuck girls I might want to be with.
Laura No one only fucks people they might want to be with.
Silence.
Danny It's what you want, innit though?
Laura What?
Danny To be treated as a person.
Laura Yes I do ...
Danny Not as an object.
Silence.
I've got a daughter.
Silence.
Laura Why are you emasculating yourself?
Silence.
My life's a shell of activity.
46 Beginning

Silence.
My parents are both dead. I've got no brothers or sisters.
Silence.
I've got money. Not a fortune, not now. But some.
Silence.
I look out in life. I look up. I look at the sky. I like to walk up
to Ally Pally on a Sunday.
Silence.
If I looked in, I'd fold inside myself.
Silence.
I'm ovulating.
Silence.
Danny You're what?
Laura I can feel I'm ovulating. I always know. I can feel it.
The penny drops. Danny understands what she's saying.
Silence.
Laura You don't know what it's like.
Silence.
All I'll ever be is 'Auntie Laura'.
Silence.
Danny So I'm the spunk?
Silence.
Laura No, I really like you.
Danny You don't know me from Adam.
Silence.
 Beginning 47

Laura My dad always said you can't go far wrong if you

just put your hands up and tell the truth.
Silence.
Danny Well thanks for being honest.
Silence.
I couldn't take my eyes off you all night tonight.
Laura I know.
Silence.
Danny It's hard to trust though, innit?
Laura Maybe.
Danny When you've been hurt.
Silence.
Danny This is all taking me some guts, Laura.
Silence.

Laura And me.

Silence.
Danny Is it though?
Laura I've been trying to find the courage to be with you
all night.
Silence.
Danny D'you think I'm a prick?
Laura No.
Silence.
You returned my gaze.
Silence.
48 Beginning

It doesn't define who I am. It just doesn't. I've done all sorts
of things in my life Danny. But it is what I want now.
Silence.
Danny Well I have to say, babe, I've spent all day on a
Saturday, when I could have been over West Ham, in a room
full of suits in Milton Keynes. I was looking forward to a few
beers tonight. But it's turned out a bit different than I
expected in the end.
Silence.
Have you ever been to Milton Keynes?
Laura No.
Danny Don't bother.
Silence.
Laura What were you doing there?
Danny Recruitment Consultancy Expo two thousand and
fifteen. I can tell you, it was a hoot.
Silence.
Laura It's like sometimes, everything you say is another
obstacle. Another dare not to like you.
Danny What, sometimes or everything I say?
Laura Don't be like that.
Danny I'm sorry. I ...
Silence.
Laura 'If I say this, will she still like me now? If I do this,
will she still like me?'
Silence.
I like football.
Danny Really?
 Beginning 49

Laura I went with my dad.

Danny To the fucking Arsenal I bet.
Laura To Millwall.
Danny No! No! You didn't!
Laura laughs.
Danny No! Laura! No!
Laura Fished in.
Silence.
Danny I wish I'd met you online.
Laura Why?
Danny Because everything would be so much easier.
Silence.
Laura And how is internet dating going for you?
Danny ‘How was', you mean.

Silence.
I couldn't stand my loneliness. I couldn't stand their
loneliness. They all wanted kids. Some of them were more
up front about it than others. But it was always the same.
Silence.
The loneliness. The patency of it.
Laura Patency?
Silence.
You like to rough up your edges, don't you?
Danny I don't know what you mean.
Laura Play the boy.
Danny Not really.
50 Beginning

Laura I bet you went to Uni and did English or something

like that?
Silence.
Danny Where did you go to Uni?
Laura In London. In Mile End.
Silence.
Danny What did you do?

Laura English.
Danny I did History.
Laura Where?
Danny Bristol.
Silence.
I'll never be able to afford a flat like this.
Laura You don't know that.
Silence.
Danny What did you give for it?
Laura Does it matter?
Danny Four-fifty? Five hundred grand?
Laura Something like that.
Danny You must have a good job though?
Laura I'm the MD of the agency where I work.
Silence.
Danny You're MD?
Laura Yes. I'm the Managing Director.
Silence.
Danny What d'you want with someone like me?
 Beginning 51

Silence.
You wouldn't look twice at me online.
Laura I haven't met you online.
Danny Oh, I forgot, you want my spunk.
Silence.
Awkward.
Laura A bit.
Danny Shall we put some music on?
Laura Why not?
Danny The people downstairs won't mind?
Laura They're away.
Danny Cool.
Laura Hence tonight.
Danny goes to the iPod dock and collects the iPod. He has a look
through.
Danny I liked your play list.
Laura D'you want anything in particular?
Danny I'm easy.
Laura Just stick it on shuffle.
Danny puts the iPod back in the dock, finds the party playlist and
presses shuffle.
'Lady (Hear Me Tonight)' by Modjo plays. It's very loud so he turns
it down.
The song plays on. Danny speaks up over it.
Danny Tune.
Danny makes a very awkward effort to dance. So does Laura on the
other side of the room.
52 Beginning

The song plays to its end.

'I Owe Thu Nothing' by Bros plays.
Laura is delighted and sings along and begins to dance as she sings.
She's quite flamboyant. She encourages Danny to dance with her, but
he won't.
The song finishes.
'We No Speak Americano' by Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP plays.
They listen to the song.
Two-thirds through it she gets up and switches it off
Silence.
Laura So ... You didn't feel like dancing?
Silence.
Have you got any coke?
Danny No, don't do it. Have you?
Laura No, don't really do it.
Silence.
I think you should just go home.
Danny Did you plan this?
Laura No.
Danny You said Keith could bring a friend.
Laura I got the idea tonight.
Silence.
Danny And you expect me to believe that?
Laura It's the truth.
Danny I don't know, Laur ...
Laura I wanted to be near you and I just thought ...
 Beginning 53

Danny What?
Laura Fuck it.
Silence.
Danny Fuck it?
Laura My daddy called me 'Laur'.
Silence.
Danny Have you done this before?
Laura No.
Silence.
Danny And you expect me to take that on trust?
Laura I'm thirty-eight years old and I've been sensible my
whole life, Danny.
Silence.
Yep I did, I thought 'fuck it, fuck him and see what
happens'. I know another woman that's done it. And. And. I
like you. You've got a nice face. A kind face. You're nice, I
can tell. I want my baby to have a nice daddy.
Silence.
You know, I'm quite capable of getting myself down to a
Harley Street sperm bank. If I'd wanted to. Let's forget it.
Silence.
Danny What's your favourite bit?
Laura Of what?
Danny The sausage meat and breadcrumbs - or the egg?
Laura Oh.
Danny What's your favourite bit?
Laura Egg.
54 Beginning

Danny Runny or hard?

Laura Hard.
Danny Motorway service station dirty Ginsters or Jamie?
Laura Dirty Ginsters every time.
Danny Love a bit of Jamie myself. You ever made one?
Laura No.
Danny It's worth it.
Laura Is it?
Danny Nice bit of pickle on the side.
Laura Gastropub wanker.
Danny You love it.
Laura All you need is HP sauce.
Silence.
Danny D'you cook?
Laura Oh fuck off. D'you want to know if I do the ironing
as well?
Silence.
Danny I didn't mean anything by it.
Silence.
It's hard at Mum's because the kitchen's not mine, but I try
to cook.
Laura Personally, I find Jamie Oliver a bit of a tosser.
Danny You can't knock Jamie.
Laura Why?
Danny I remember watching The Naked Chef. I used to love
it. I used to dream of having a scooter and knocking up some
tucker for me mates like him.
 Beginning 55

Laura That's sweet.

Danny I like cooking. Genuinely, Laura. When I was
married we had a massive kitchen.
Silence.
Laura I can cook for us tomorrow.
Silence.
It's been a long time since I cooked for a man.
Silence.
I can go out for eggs and bacon and a paper.
Silence.
And I can get some stuff in for lunch and dinner.
Silence.
It's been so long since I've done that on a Sunday.
Silence.
Danny I can cook.
Silence.
Laura Let me.
Danny I don't know though.
Silence.
I don't know about staying.
Silence.
Laura Get us out of the hole, Danny.
Silence.
I only wanted to be honest.
Silence.
Danny Nothing's even happened between us.
56 Beginning

Laura You think nothing's happened?

Silence.
I've put my heart in my hand and I've shown you it. Offered
it. Freely.
Silence.
I've been brave.
Silence.
How brave are you, big man?
Danny How stupid d'you think I am, you mean ...
Silence.
You know after everything I've been through you think
I'd ...
Laura I wouldn't know because you haven't told me.
Danny Well you know it's only been an hour, hour-and-a-
half and I'm just about getting my head around what's in
your head.
Silence.
I don't know you.
Laura How many times in your life have you connected
with someone like this?
Danny You think we've connected?
Silence.
I do think you're different. To women I meet. Generally.
Silence.
I do find you attractive. You can see I do.
Silence.
 Beginning 57

Maybe I'll fuck you later. If that's what you want. Maybe I
won't.
Laura I don't want you to fuck me. You fucking twat.

Silence.
Danny I could kill for something to eat. Have you got a
slice of toast or anything I can have?
Silence.
Laura Are you hungry?
Danny I'm hanked, Laur.
Silence.
Laura D'you want a fish finger sandwich?
Danny Do I want a fish finger sandwich?
Laura Yeah.
Danny That's honestly a question though?
Laura Do you though?
Danny Hello - earth calling Laura, mister ketchup stain is
in the building.
Laura laughs.
Danny I'd love one, babe.
Silence.
Laura gets some frozen fish fingers from the freezer and then fishes
some baking trays out of her oven.
She takes one tray and arranges six fish fingers on the tray. She
switches on the oven and puts the fish fingers straight in.
Danny Fan assisted. Nice.
Silence.
58 Beginning

Laura I know it's a cardinal sin when you're buying to get

sucked in to the fixtures and fittings as per. But I loved this
oven and they said they'd leave it.
Laura goes to the fridge and takes out some ketchup and mayonnaise.
Silence.
Laura notices Danny looking at her.
Danny I'd go a Ginsters with you.
Laura I'd go a Ginsters with you too.
Silence.
Danny 'Crouch Endy' were they?
Laura Journalists. Very Crouch End. Like old-school
Crouch End. When I first had a look round she was on her
way out with their son to 'Bongo Babies'.
Danny laughs.
Laura I know. He was a sweet boy.
Danny How old was he?
Laura About ten months.
Danny It's when they start to get fun.
Laura Called Dashiell.
Danny Oh why did they do that?
Laura What?
Danny You've got to pass the playground test ...
Laura What?
Danny He'll get bullied.
Laura Not round here he won't. It's a cute name.
Danny What they staying round here then?
Laura No.
 Beginning 59

Danny Well then ...

Laura I said 'After Hammett?'
Danny What?
Laura They said they just liked the name. But she took
great pleasure in telling me Cate Blanchett had called her
son Dashiell.
Danny Oh what a wanker. Honestly, though?
Silence.
Laura He called him 'Dash' and she called him 'Dashy'.
Danny I mean, that's quite sweet innit?
Laura I mentioned The Incredibles but they didn't get it and
they made a point of telling me 'Dashiell doesn't watch TV'.
Danny God, they sound awful.
Laura I thought, I bet the fucking nanny sticks a DVD on
when they've gone to work.
Danny They've got a nanny?
Laura Yep.
Danny God.
Laura Even if I had that kind of money I wouldn't want a
nanny for my baby.
Silence.
Danny Annabel loved The Incredibles.
Silence.
Laura I was the wanker though.
Silence.
Dashiell took a shine to me and I asked them if I could have
a cuddle.
60 Beginning

Silence.
It was completely inappropriate but I was offering asking
price.
Silence.
It was so wonderful.
Silence.
Danny You weren't a wanker. You're not a wanker.
Laura They've bought a house in Mill Hill. I wouldn't want
a nanny. I wouldn't want my kids educated privately. It's nice
to have the choice. But you have to make the right choice.
Danny We're the lucky ones.
Silence.
Laura I've only been in here six weeks and it already feels
like an admission of defeat.
I kept thinking, why buy a two-bed in an area I don't like
when I can live in Crouchy ...
Danny At least you've got your own place. I'd send my kids
to private school. I'd scrape the fees for Annabel if it meant I
could see her. You do the best for your kids, don't you?
Silence.
Danny goes to the bread bin and takes out a loaf of sliced white
bread.
He takes the butter dish and finds a knife and begins to butter
four slices.
Silence.
Danny You will meet someone.
Laura It's not like that when you're our age ...
Danny You will have a baby.
 Beginning 61

Laura Danny, that's just blind optimism.

Danny You will. If it's what you really want.
Silence.
Laura If that was the case I'd be married by now, with
three kids and in a big house in East Finchley.
Silence.
I definitely wouldn't be making five people redundant on
Monday morning. We don't call them redundancies any
more. We call it 'simplification'. I don't know whether it's
kind or the most ludicrous and monstrous thing I've ever
heard in my life.
Silence.
Danny You didn't know you wanted it until you realised
you might never have it.
Silence.
Laura I don't want a mirror, Danny.
Silence.
You're wrong anyway. It's something I've always wanted
really. Even when I was younger.
Silence.
Danny casually looks at some mail on top of the microwave.
Danny Miss Laura R Eggleston?
Laura That's me.
Danny What's the R for?
Laura Rose.
Danny Laura Rose Eggleston. You're posh, innit?
Laura Hardly though.
Danny Were you 'Eggy' at school?
62 Beginning

· Laura Yeah. And 'The Ston' in sixth form.

Danny My mates call me Julius'.
Laura Julius?
Danny No one can remember why.
Laura laughs.
Danny A bloke at work- his nickname's 'Spunk Bubble'.
Laura Why?
Danny His mum and dad had a split condom.
Laura Er, gross.
Danny Don't you think it's funny though?
Laura Fancy his parents telling him that?
Danny And the little shit's proud of it as well.
Laura Is he? What a dick ...
Danny Perhaps we should christen our one ...
Silence.
Laura What?
Laura looks at Danny. They look at each other, examine each other.
Danny goes and sits down.
Silence.
Danny I would do it you know. Part of me's like - fuck it
though.
Laura That's like how I feel.
Danny I fancy you rotten.
Silence.
But I could do it and I could have a fucking brilliant day
with you tomorrow like.
 Beginning 63

Laura I think we would, you know?

Danny And we could do it again tomorrow.
Laura I think we click, genuinely.
Danny And then you could never want to see me again.
Silence.
And nine months down the road there'd be me and two kids
of mine I never see.
Silence.
I don't think my heart could take that.
Laura I was honest with you because I like you and I can
see you're a good man.
Danny You don't know me.
Silence.
Laura It probably wouldn't happen anyway ...
Danny I'm not stupid ...
Laura I know you're not.
Danny What's the chance, one in ten? One in twenty?
Silence.
Laura You know if you did ... And I did ... I would never
do that.
Danny What?
Laura You know ...
Danny What?
Laura I would never exclude you.
Danny That's what my ex-wife said.
Silence.
64 Beginning

It's crazy we're even having the conversation. It's fucking

nuts.
Silence.
Laura Who knows what's going to happen?
Danny I fucking wish you'd kept your mouth shut and said
nothing and just fucked me.
Laura No Danny ...
Danny And held me and told me nothing and given me an
amazing night tonight and day tomorrow.
Laura Danny ...
Danny I need someone to hold me as well. You think a
man doesn't need that?
Laura I never said that ...
Danny You think a man doesn't need warmth and love?
Laura I know, I need it ...
Danny Why couldn't you just give me that and give
yourself that?
Laura I wanted to ...
Danny And deal with your guilt ...
Laura Danny, I can't use someone like that.
Silence.
Danny You think you're the only one that's lonely?
Silence.
I thought nothing could be lonelier than an unhappy
marriage. But I tell you it's got nothing on sitting there with
your mum and your nan on a Monday night after work. And
you've got absolutely nothing to say to each other though.
Nothing. And you're forty-two years of age. And all you can
think of is your daughter you've not seen for four years. And
 Beginning 65

what happened at school that day. And whether she's going

to dancing classes or learning to play the violin. And you go
up to your room. The room that was your room when you
were a kid. And it's still got the claret and blue on the walls.
And you see the toy box in the corner. That was your toy box
when you was a kid. Except now it's full of your daughter's
toys from. Four years ago though. Peppa Pig and, and ...
Silence.
And you haven't got a clue what she's into now. Or whether
she even remembers you. And knows she's got a dad. Your
own flesh and blood.
Silence.
Your whole life's gone. Everything you were certain of. It's
gone.
Silence.
I'd top myself if I knew it wouldn't devastate my mum and
my nan. I'd do it though.
Silence.
I'm not even a shell, babe. I'm candy-floss an hour out of the
maker.
Silence.
When the train was coming in to take us back to Euston this
afternoon. I went there. In my head.
Silence.
And I looked at those idiots that I work with. And I thought,
I won't give you a fucking story that'll be an office joke
within a week.
Laura Fucking hell, Danny. If you're gonna do it, don't do
it in Milton Keynes.
Danny starts to laugh. He wants to cry but he doesn't let himself cry
in front of Laura.
66 Beginning

Silence.
Danny You make me laugh.
Silence.
Laura You'd never do anything like that.
Danny No, I wouldn't.
Laura I can tell.
Danny I worry I'll never see Annabel again.
Silence.
Laura It must be lonely.
Danny It is.
Laura It must be a lonely thing to live with?
Danny You frighten me. They way you look at me. You
unpeel me.
Silence.
It makes me think about the man I was.
Silence.
I'm the bloke in the park on a Sunday morning. Having a
fag. Watching every other dad with their kids. What's wrong
with you, Laura? You can't just decide things like this on a
whim ...
Laura screams.
Laura You think I want a baby on a whim!
Silence.
Danny I'm sorry.
Silence.
Laura Don't worry.
Danny I'm sorry, Laura.
 Beginning 67

Laura goes to the oven and takes out the fish fingers.
She makes two fish finger sandwiches and puts lots of ketchup and
mayonnaise on both of them.
She gives Danny his sandwich and then returns and collects hers.
She eats hers. He doesn't touch his. She finishes her sandwich.
Laura Why don't you see Annabel?
Danny Because she lives in Truro now.
Laura Then get a lawyer.
Danny I've got no money left. She's gone back to Cornwall.
Silence.
Her mother does what she likes. She's so much like me.
Annabel. She's the spit of me.
Silence.
I'm a monthly direct debit. That's all I am.
Silence.
Danny lights up a cigarette and smokes.
Silence.
Laura We moved here when I was thirteen. When Mum
met Dad. And we lived on Landseer Road. I was there until
I went to Uni. It was just me and Mum and Dad. He was
always my dad. I took his name when Mum did. My dad was
a postman and my mum was a teacher. We were a unit.
Silence.
My mum got ovarian cancer when I was twenty and she was
dead six months later.
Silence.
68 Beginning

It was awful. But in a way it was a lot worse seeing what

happened to Dad, though. He was always a modest drinker.
Half of ale, half of bitter. But when Mum went Dad drank.
Silence.
He drank a lot. He smoked. He smoked all the time when
she was gone. I think he found it hard to be around me. He
said I'm so much like Mum. He was dead within three years.
Silence.
I was amazed he managed to hold down his job until he
died.
Silence.
He left me some money. There wasn't much. He'd not been
paying the mortgage. He was a law unto himself once mum
had gone. You couldn't tell him anything. Is that you?
Silence.
Danny No, Laur.
Silence.
Laura I don't need a man. I don't need you. Not really.
Silence.
I'm not desperate for a man. I'm quite happy on my own.
Silence.
Eat your sandwich, Danny.
Danny does as he's told and eats his sandwich. He stops and looks
at her.
Danny How would it work then?
Laura What?
Danny If we go to bed.
Laura Er, I don't know about my bed.
Danny The sofa then.
 Beginning 69

Silence.
Laura We'd just do it.
Danny And?
Laura And we'd cuddle up and go to sleep.
Danny And what then?
Laura And then we'd do it again in the morning.
Danny And what after that?
Laura I'd go out to get breakfast, like I said I would.
Danny And you'd see me again?
Silence.
Laura I don't know. I think I would. I honestly don't know.
I can't say any more than I've said to persuade you. It's not
right. I don't know, Danny.
Silence.
Danny All I've ever wanted is to be is a family man.
Laura I can see that.
Silence.
Danny Do you promise me if I do what you want and if it
happens and you know ... You ... You'll always include
me?
Silence.
Laura They'd always know their dad.
Silence.
Danny Do you promise me you'd always include me?
Laura I can't make that promise, Danny. I don't know you.
Silence.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I've
been completely up front with you.
70 Beginning

Silence.
Danny But Annabel?
Laura What about her?
Danny She'd have a brother or a sister ...
Laura I can't help you with your ex.
Silence.
Danny So it's your call? It's going to be your call ...
Laura Yeah, I think it is.
Silence.
Danny So it's a punt?
Silence.

Laura Or maybe the beginning of something.

Silence.
Laura Why did you split up with your wife?
Danny We stopped listening to each other.
Silence.
Laura And that ended a marriage?
Silence.

Danny We stopped talking to each other.

Laura That's sad.
Danny We had Annabel. A home. But we didn't have each
other. We had Annabel but we forgot everything else we had
1n common.
Silence.
Laura That is sad.
Danny Yep.
 Beginning 71

Laura Especially for Annabel.

Silence.
Danny I had an affair.
Silence.
Laura I did wonder.
Silence.
Danny It was ...
Laura What?
Danny I don't know.
Silence.

Laura D'you have regrets?

Silence.
Danny I don't know if I can talk to you about this yet.
Silence.
Laura That's fine.
Danny You get it though, right?
Laura Of course I do.
Silence.
Are you still in love with her?
Danny Who?
Silence.
My wife?
Laura Well, I guess ...
Danny No ...
Laura I meant ...
72 Beginning

Danny Her?
Laura I guess so - yes. The woman who ...
Danny No, no, I'm not.
Silence.
Laura I mean, it's none of my business.
Danny It's fine.
Laura It isn't though.
Danny I don't mind you asking ...
Laura Really . . .
Danny As long as you don't mind if I don't want to talk
about it.
Silence.
Laura Of course I don't.
Danny I feel ashamed.
Laura Oh don't ...
Danny I feel I let myself down ...
Laura No ...
Danny And I feel like I let Annabel down.
Laura Don't though.
Danny It's true. I'm not a bad man.
Silence.
Laura If you knew everything about my life you wouldn't
like me.
Silence.
Danny I don't think there's a person in this world you
could say any different about.
 Beginning 73

Silence.
I don't care what your past is.
Silence.
I care about now. The now. It's all I care about, Laura. How
d'you want to live your life now? What d'you want to do
now?
Laura You know.
Silence.
Danny Tell me what you want.
Laura You know what I want.
Danny Tell me about what happens next.
Silence.
Laura You walk towards me and kiss me.
Danny I kiss you.
Laura We kiss like it's the kiss that makes you feel like
you're home.
Silence.

You take my hand and we sit next to each other. With ease,
though.
Danny With ease?
Laura And we kiss again. You undress me.
Silence.

Everything apart from my knickers. And you kiss me as you

undress me. My eyelids, my neck, my shoulders, my breasts,
my tummy. But you don't touch me. Not yet. You kiss my
thighs, my calves, my heel, my little toe. And then you rise.·
Silence.
74 Beginning

And I undress you. Slowly. Carefully. Kissing. Just kissing.

You let me touch you.
Silence.
Danny It's been a while ...
Laura I know ...
Danny I think you might be better off letting me get in
there.
Laura laughs.
Danny lights a cigarette. He thinks. He puts it out.
Silence.
Laura We fall asleep on the sofa for a bit. We get up and
turn the mattress over on my bed and change the bedding
and we sleep. You know about tomorrow. But tomorrow
night. Sunday night. When it's time for you to go. You say
you're staying. You ring your mum. And she rings your nan.
Danny laughs.
And you tell her that you're not coming home.
Silence.
We get the W7 to Finsbury Park and kiss each other goodbye
at King's Cross, when you get off. But you go and buy a
clean shirt and some deodorant though. And then you go to
work. And I go to work. And as I walk up Tottenham Court
Road I think about you. And I dream.
Silence.
I dream like I haven't dreamt in years.
Silence.
Of coming home and you coming home to me, and me to
you. And I'll know in my heart I'll never be lonely again.
Silence.
 Beginning 75

No more giving everything to work. Because already life is

beginning.
Silence.
In a year this place is sold and there's me and you and ...
Laura wants to cry. She won't cry in front of him.
Silence.
No more in the gym at seven. No more foreign films on my
own and a meal deal for one. No more reading every book
on the Booker shortlist and making smug recommendations
to Tuesday Book Club. No more just 'Auntie Laura'. None of
it.
Silence.
What's wrong with that?
Silence.
What's wrong with wanting to have a family and be married
and be normal though?
Silence.
My friends are all so jealous of my independence. My career.
My courage embracing being on my own. My travelling. My
dates, my lovers, my embarrassing nights out.
Laura screams.
But it's so, so, so ... You know?
Danny nods.
Silence.
Laura· I want a people carrier. I want a big house in Essex.
I want kids. I want a family. I want a husband. I want to
work from nine till five Monday to Thursday and then have
the day on a Friday to be with my son or my daughter. I
want to be married. And I want a normal husband I can rely
on. And I still want a fucking white dress. And I want to put
76 Beginning

all the pictures on Facebook. Every last single one, though. I

want pictures of you kissing me on the steps of the church.
Of you dancing with me to Bros. Of you carrying me up to
our room when I'm totalled at the end of the night. I want
pictures of me with your mum and your nan. Who both love
me. I want pictures of us with our baby. I want pictures of
me making cupcakes with him. Or her. Or him. Or her. I
want the place on the Amalfi coast. I want to be a size
fourteen. I want us to go to the opera and you to wear black
tie.Just because we've never done anything like it before
and maybe we'll never do it again because we hate it. But
we'll laugh. We'll laugh ourselves sick with laughing. We'll
turn fifty and start looking the same. Me with short hair. And
us in matching body warmers. And we'll cruise. We'll go on a
cruise just like my mum and dad did. Before they died.
Silence.
But we won't die young like them. We'll be like the couple I
saw at Heathrow.
Silence.
Eighty, maybe ninety. Him in a jacket and trousers. And her
in a long elegant violet dress. Holding hands. Holding hands
and never letting go.
Silence.
Danny I'll never be able to give you that.
Laura I know.
Silence.
Danny I've got nothing.
Silence.
Laura I know.
Silence.
Danny You need a man who can give you the life you want.
 Beginning 77

Laura I don't want a cunt with an Audi.

Silence.
I want The You. I want The You. That's what I want.
Silence.
Danny goes to her and kisses her. They kiss.
Danny takes her hand and leads her to the sofa.
They kiss again.
Danny begins to undress her. Slowly, kissing as he goes. Until she's
just in her bra and knickers.
Laura kisses him and removes his shirt. She kisses as she goes.
Laura undoes his belt. Danny stands and his trousers fall.
Danny moves away slightly and takes off his socks. Laura stands.
They both look at each other in their underwear.
Silence.
Danny I'm sorry about my ...
Laura What?
Danny My belly.
Silence.
Laura You'd do this?
Danny I don't want to talk any more.
Silence.
Laura I'm scared now.
Danny Don't be scared.
Laura I am.
Danny Don't be.
Laura I feel like my whole life's on the toss of a coin.
78 Beginning

Silence.
Laura thinks, makes a decision and goes to find her handbag. It
takes a while, but she finds it.
She roots around inside and takes out her purse. She fishes out a
condom.
She offers it to Danny.
Danny Right.
Laura I want to though.
Danny Laur ...
Laura Laura.
Danny I'm cool with it.
Laura If you still like me. And I still like you. In the
morning then we can ...
Danny I am cool with it ...
Laura I've only got this one anyway.
Silence.
Something changed when you came tonight. And you
looked at me.
Silence.
Danny Same.
Laura I know.
Silence.
I've got to trust that though.
Danny I get it, babe.
Silence.
Is there any chance you can flick the heating on?
Laura What?
 Beginning 79

Danny I feel like the last chicken in Sainsbury's.

Laura really laughs.
Silence.
Laura goes to Danny and holds him. They just hold each other.
Laura You getting warmer?
Danny Not yet.
Laura Just give it a minute.
Silence.
Danny If you tell me where the thermostat is though ...
Laura lets him go, goes to the dial on the wall and turns up
the heating.
She stays where she is and looks at him.
Laura You don't think this is crazy?
Danny No.
Laura You sure?
Danny When has anyone ever got it on with anyone and
it's not felt crazy?
Silence.
Like even a tiny bit.
Silence.
Laura I think you're amazing doing this.
Danny Why?
Laura When I put my cards on the table I was expecting
you to just walk out.
Danny Why would I automatically do that?
Laura I don't know, I ...
80 Beginning

Silence.
Danny Laura, you're the brave one.
Laura I'm trying to be.
Laura smiles.
You're absolutely sure?
Danny Yeah.
Laura We're good people. You and me. Come here.
Silence.
I want a good beginning.
Danny nods. Laura advances towards Danny and they kiss.
Danny takes her hand and leads her towards the sofa.
He takes the condom from her and looks at it. He thinks, makes a
decision and places the condom gently to one side. They kiss.
Fade. The End.